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jake and sunghoon rarely had fights. the last argument sunghoon could recall that happened between them was during the first day of moving inside their newly bought apartment. sunghoon would giggle whenever he recalled the scent of cardboard boxes, newly purchased furniture, and burnt pancakes that day. he tried to cook pancakes for the two while jake was downstairs, talking to the receptionist. unfortunately, his plans of crafting a scrumptious snack turned into a disaster. jake was furious. not because the 2 dollar pancake batter went to the trash bin before they could even eat it, but because of the sight of thin smoke coming from the kitchen area that terrified him. jake thought sunghoon started a fire and was worried about his safety. jake lectured him and sunghoon thought his efforts went unappreciated. they made up that night though, under the crescent moon whose light seeps in from the window next to their bed.
whenever they were at the brink of fighting, sunghoon would lock them both inside their bedroom. he would get the nearest gadget, open spotify, and play the playlist they both created during their second month of dating. sunghoon would pull jake to the small space in front of the bed, place the latter’s hands on his shoulders, and sway jake to the sound of the music. and if jake was mad seconds before that, his head would end up pressed to sunghoon’s chest after minutes of dancing. they would just move and feel each other’s heartbeat inside that small, lamp-lit room. once they get tired, sunghoon would pull jake to the bed and they would cuddle until someone musters up the courage to talk about the situation.
that’s how it has always been. everything has always been under control.
until everything changed.
but sunghoon doesn’t know what changed. was it their schedules? was it jake? or was it him? was it their love for each other? he couldn’t answer.
because he doesn’t know what changed.
or maybe he does. he just couldn’t believe that their bond would turn out like that.
four years into their relationship when something definitely changed. they hardly met during the day. they were in their third year of college. despite studying in the same university, their buildings were on other ends of the campus perimeter.
they were part of the same friend group when they met during high school. he was never wary of their friends. jungwon and riki were very supportive of their relationship. plus, the two were dating.
so when jake found new friends within his course, sunghoon felt something he never knew he would feel. it was a feeling he was ashamed of. he was ashamed of feeling that green monster because he knows he shouldn’t. he should trust jake. there was no reason for him to get jealous.
jake loves him very much. he felt guilty for his heart whirling in jealousy whenever he would see jake laugh with heeseung from across the campus. whenever heeseung would snake his arms jake’s shoulders. whenever jake would text him that he would go to heeseung’s place to work on their project. whenever jake would talk about something heeseung told him earlier that day. he was jealous of heeseung.
he tried to suppress the feeling. he would ruffle jake’s hair and nod to his every word, even if some of the words he spewed were heeseung’s name. he would listen to everything jake had to say and shake off his unwanted thoughts. after all, he was the one who jake goes home to after a long day. he was the one jake kissed every morning before going to the university and every night before closing their eyes to sleep. he was the one jake loves, not heeseung.
maybe he tried to stop the jealousy. but maybe trying to store everything instead of confronting it was a bad idea. because like a teapot pouring tea onto a teacup, the teacup would spill once the tea reaches past the amount it could carry.
it was one argument. they quickly resolved it with their usual slow dancing and cuddling. but one turned into three. three turned into six. six turned into twelve. suddenly, their relationship became a multiplication math problem. their fights multiplied until they couldn’t count even count how many times they argued about the issue over and over again. sunghoon didn’t dare to count the rest after their make-ups stopped after the fourth one.
somehow everything changed. sunghoon and jake rarely had a decent conversation. most of the time, they were too tired from the pending schoolwork and daily arguments. they didn’t even have the time to talk about *it* properly. they stopped cuddling, stopped giving each other morning kisses, stopped rewatching their favorite netflix show after fridays, and stopped saying i love you.
and that went on for months. no one tried to resolve it. no one spoke about it. when one asked how the other’s day went, the other would reply with a simple “it went fine.”
it was only one night when sunghoon realized he messed up. after they ate together in silence, sunghoon gathered their plates and utensils and brought them to the sink. jake went inside their room first. when sunghoon finished washing the dishes and wiping the table and kitchen counter, jake was already tucked in bed, sound asleep.
he stared at jake’s sleeping figure. his heart hurt at thinking of their situation. he kneeled beside jake’s side of the bed and that’s when he saw the tears that were still wet on his lover’s cheeks. that night, sunghoon cried inside the bathroom. he cried out of frustration and regret. he wanted to punish himself for hurting jake. for hurting his precious jaeyun. he hated himself for breaking his promise that he wouldn’t hurt jake. the promise he made when he courted jake 4 years ago.
so on the saturday morning that proceeded that night, he decided he would let jake go. jake deserved someone who wouldn't doubt him. jake deserved to be in a relationship. jake deserved someone better than sunghoon.
and on that day, jake cried in anger and ran outside of the apartment. he didn’t return. sunghoon understands. he knew jake probably went to jungwon and riki or heeseung.
and on that day, he packed his belongings inside a tiny suitcase. he only kept a few clothes and necessities. he left his hoodies inside the closet because jake loved wearing them when it was cold. he left his socks inside the cabinet because jake loved the cute designs. he left his perfume that jake loved to sniff before they part ways during mornings. he left all the things he knew jake loved. and if jake decides he doesn’t want anything from sunghoon, he’d let jake throw them out.
he finished at dusk. he opened a cup of instant noodles. he wasn’t used to eating something that’s not cooked by jake, but he finished it all. he had to get used to it because that might be the only thing he could eat for the next few days.
he sat by the window. it was his favorite spot to lounge in. he savored the view of the full moon for one last time. and at the silence of the room, he broke down in tears.
he curled up his knees and cried and cried and cried. he cried like a newborn baby wanting his mother’s warmth. he was a baby. he was a baby that misses jake’s warmth.
he cried until his eyes hurt. he cried while thinking of the future they both planned. they planned to buy a house once they were financially stable, move in, adopt a dog, and adopt a child if they were ready. they planned a future that he stupidly ruined.
sunghoon just sat there, head pressed to his knees. he was still sniffing the evidence of his intense breakdown. he just stayed there in silence.
but the silence that was broken with the sound of the guitar strums of his favorite song. he raised his head and was surprised to see jake next to the dresser, looking directly at his eyes.
jake walked toward him slowly, matching the tempo of the song that’s coming from the phone placed on the dresser. and when jake held out his hand, sunghoon felt the wave of tears resurfacing on the eyes he thought were dried out.
with shaky hands, sunghoon grabbed jake’s. the shorter pulled them to the space where they used to dance almost every night. jake didn’t say a word but hooked his hands on sunghoon’s shoulder, a gesture that sunghoon missed so *so* much. sunghoon was sobbing when they were swaying. he couldn’t look at jake in the eyes. he felt ashamed.
“hoon,” jake called in a soft voice once the song reached its end.
sunghoon broke down on the floor. he cried while saying infinite “i’m sorrys.” jake also sat on the floor in silence for a few seconds before pulling sunghoon to the bed. like muscle memory, they went to their cuddling position. and like the usual, they sorted things out while bathing in the light of the full moon. this time, their conversation went on for hours. they caught up with the stories they hesitated to tell during those long months. they resolved everything. they made new promises that they know they will keep.
for the first time in months, they fell asleep in each other’s arms again.
for the first time in months, they finally slept with a smile etched on their lips.
maybe the night really holds a little hope for them.