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“What’s on your mind, Padfoot?”
“What? Nothing, I’m good.”
“You say that like I don’t know you,” Remus smiled sadly. “Come on, it’s just me. What’s going on in your brain?”
It was one of the nights where Sirius was crashing at Remus’ apartment for the weekend. The two friends did this quite often, they would have sleepovers where they would watch countless movies, drink an ungodly amount of tea (and alcohol), and spend time one-on-one, just like all best friends do. Because that’s what they are, just friends.
“It’s nothing important,” Sirius shrugged, adjusting his head that was resting on Remus’ shoulder and bringing the shared blanket up to his chin.
What? Best friends can share blankets and cuddle with no hidden feelings. Because Remus totally didn’t have a crush on Sirius and Sirius also didn’t have a crush on Remus. They were only friends who were really close… that’s all they were and they were totally fine with that.
“That’s not what I asked,” Remus retorted as he gently ran his fingers through Sirius’ hair. “Talk to me, Pads. Please?”
“I just… okay,” he began after a moment of silence. “Do you ever get a little bit tired of life?”
“Well-”
“Like, you’re not really happy but you don’t want to die?”
“Like you’re hanging on a thread,” Remus continued with a knowing look on his face. “Because you’ve got to survive?”
“Yeah…”
“I do,” he nodded slowly. “I know the feeling, Sirius, I really do. What else?”
“I know I’m here, my body is in this room, I know it’s here, but…”
“But you’re not really here,” Remus finished quietly.
“I just… I feel so broken…”
“It’s okay to feel that way, I promise.”
“Am I past repair?” Sirius asked as he looked up into his best friends eyes, tears filling his own eyes that he fought back to keep from falling.
“No-”
“I’ve got small little tricks to cope, but I’m never fully fixed, you know? I’m broken and broke…”
“But?”
“But I’m numb,” he whispered finally. “Do I make any sense?”
“You do, I understand,” Remus replied in the same tone.
“Does it stop? Does the numbness stop?”
“Eventually…”
“That was the least reassuring reply you could have given…”
“The numbness goes away after a while,” Remus began to explain, tucking the blanket around him and Sirius and continuing to run his hand through Sirius’ hair. “I mean, it took me years to actually feel like I wasn’t numb. Years of half-smiles and pretending that my laughs were real. People would say things, hell, you and James would tell jokes, and I would laugh because I knew they were funny but I just… they didn’t feel funny.”
“But you never said anything?”
“It wasn’t something I wanted to broadcast. What would I have said? ‘Hey, guys! I know I’m laughing but I feel absolutely nothing but I don’t want to hurt your feelings so I’m going to laugh and pretend that I felt like what you just said actually made me laugh.’”
“You didn’t feel anything?”
“I remember sitting in my window and just wishing that I cared. I wished that I cared for myself, hell, I would wish that I cared for other people. People would tell me things and I knew that I shouldn’t feel numb when they told me things and I wished that I would feel the anger or sadness or anything because they were trusting me with so much, but my body wouldn’t change.”
“When… when I would tell you things?”
“Sirius…”
“I’m not mad, honestly, I just… I want to know if this is all normal…”
“It’s not normal if you ask a mentally stable person with a good childhood, but it’s normal for me.”
“I don’t like feeling this way,” Sirius stated quietly, shuffling around under the blanket and draping his arm across Remus’ stomach to absorb more warmth. “I don’t like it, Moony…”
“I know,” Remus acknowledged sadly. “It’s never fun and it really sucks. But it won’t last forever, you just need to wait it out-”
“I did my waiting, 12 years of it!”
“You’ve been numb since you were 10?”
“Wait… how old am I- stop laughing!”
“Four years out of school and you still suck at math-”
“I don’t suck!”
“You really do though-”
“I do not suck, Remus!”
“So you’re a pillow princess?”
“Fuck off!”
“You’ll be okay,” Remus continued to llaugh as he pulled Sirius into his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around his best friend. “Maybe not in the math department, but you’ll feel again.”
“Are you still numb?”
“Some days I feel numb, but I can assure you that I’m not numb today. I’m all yours, okay?”
“Thanks, Moons,” Sirius smiled softly, looking up at Remus.
“No need to thank me,” Remus replied, mirroring the same smile Sirius had. “Do you want to watch a movie? Keep talking? Commit a crime?”
“If I had energy and I wasn’t so comfortable then I’d say crime…”
“Movie it is then. I’ll always be here for you, okay?”
“And I’ll always be here for you, numb or not, you’re my best friend.”
“And you’re mine. We’ll get you through this, I promise.”