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Kate never felt more agony than when she kissed Max. She enjoyed kissing her, loved being around her, felt so much affection and comfort and joy around Max, and that's what caused her so much pain.
Every touch from Max stoked a fire within Kate, and every time they kissed it burned hotter and hotter in her. It took more and more self-control to push Max away every time. Her lack of control made her want to curl up and sob, and it took all of her willpower to pray for forgiveness instead. She always prayed after Max left though, she didn't want to hurt her.
Max.
Jesus Christ help her.
Max caused her so much agony. No, no she shouldn't blame Max. Sin came from within oneself, caused by no one other than Satan himself. It was Kate's fault for being so weak, for falling so deeply into temptation.
It wasn't fair to Max. She wasn't fair to Max. She agreed to get into this relationship, knowing completely that what they were was a sin, a crime against God. She knew all of that when Max confessed but. But.
She was so… pretty. The freckles splattered haphazardly across her nose and cheeks, the bags under her dark blue eyes, a quiet blue that didn't scream out for attention, her light brown hair framing her too pale face, encircling all of the imperfections. Kate found it hard to take her eyes away from her at that moment, found it impossible to turn from the reddened cheeks and down turned eyes and the teeth worrying at her lower lip.
She couldn't say no to her. She couldn't stop her selfishness from encompassing Max.
She was corrupting Max, hurting her all the time. She could see the hurt every time she pulled her hand from Max's, every time she shrugged Max's arms off her body, every time she shoved Max away when the heat became too much, when she was on the very edge of her control. She saw the hurt and shock on her face, her furrowed brow and down turned lips and she always asks if Kate's okay and it makes her sick. She hurts Max so much, but she always asks if Kate is the one that's okay, and she is just too sweet for Kate to handle.
She doesn't know why Max stays with her. She's just a coward, a good for nothing sinful coward that selfishly pushes and pulls one of the few truly good people in her life.
Kate jumps when she hears a knock on her door. She unwraps her arms from her legs and slides off of her bed. She takes a deep breath, afraid that it's someone that wants to bully her, and slowly opens the door. She peeks through the crack and sees Max. Her face lights up when she sees Kate and Kate's heart skips a beat. Lord in Heaven, her smile always makes her heart stop.
“Hey Kate, mind opening the door all the way? I have a bunch of stuff to bring in, and that's kind of hard to do through a crack in the door.” She laughs a little at the end, lighthearted and endearing and God help her she's so pretty.
“Uh, yes, come in,” she stutters, opening the door wide. Max walks in with a giant bundle of blankets in her arms, DVD's balanced on top and her hand clutching her guitar on the bottom of the pile.
“Max, do you need help? I-I can take some of the blankets…”
Max stopped beside Kate's bed and laughed, “Actually can you take the DVD's off the top please? I don't want them to break or scratch, and I already used a lot of my luck on the walk over here.”
Max squatted and Kate took all of the DVD's from the pile and placed them all next to her TV. Max dropped the blanket bundle on Kate's bed and set her guitar next to the foot of her bed. Max turned to Kate and wrapped her arms around her, kissing her forehead. Kate's face flushed with contentment and she lightly returned Max's hug, nuzzling her face in Max's neck.
She felt safe, away from the eyes of others, away from the judgment of family and, if she concentrated enough, away from the judgment of God. She knew that it would end sooner or later, her contentment, but she was too exhausted to fight her fondness for Max right now.
“How was your day?” Max murmured next to Kate's ear, warmth tickling her neck, and she could feel the red spreading from her face to her neck.
“Good,” she said, answer muffled by Max's shoulder. “No one bothered me too much today. I heard Victoria laughing at me behind my back in the hall.”
“Victoria laughs behind everyone's back, but it's surprising that she didn't laugh to your face. Great, but kinda strange.”
Max pulled away from Kate and picked up her DVD collection. She brought them over to Kate, fanning out the four plastic covers for Kate's inspection.
“Okay. We are going to continue your education of awesome movies tonight. I came over a little late so I thought it would be best to watch only one movie or two tonight. I brought Spirited Away, The Royal Tenenbaums, Little Miss Sunshine, and Princess Mononoke,” Max smiled up at Kate, “I know how you feel about horror movies, being too tied to demons and the devil and all that, so I brought the least scary movies I own.”
Max stared at Kate, her blue eyes so full of light and joy and affection. It made her heart ache so much. Max made her ache so much, and she deserved so much better than Kate. She deserved someone that could love her and give her attention without any reservation. Someone that would give her all the attention and stability that Max deserved.
Why did she stay? Why did she always come back? Why-
“Me?”
Max's eyebrows rose then furrowed in confusion. Kate stabbed her teeth into her bottom lip, face blazing from mortification.
“Kate? Something wrong?”
Kate's mouth opened and closed, squeaking noises escaping. She felt like a marionette being controlled by a ghost set out to embarrass her. God please help her.
“It's, um… It's nothing, really, just…”
Kate looked at Max, her face staring at Kate with confusion. She knew Max would make her talk, there was no way to get out of having this conversation, and Kate felt like she was on fire.
“Kate,” Max said, slowly stepping towards her, “Please. Tell me what's wrong.”
Kate hunched over, trying to shrink into the ground. Her breathing was starting to get faster and faster, and she knew she was going to panic, she was going to lose it in front of Max, she-
She felt arms circle around her bony body, giving her body even more warmth. She could feel Max's soft hair brushing lightly against her cheek, could feel Max nuzzle into her neck. The angle must have been uncomfortable for Max, she was crouching down in an awkward squat. She didn't seem to mind, focusing her attention on comforting Kate, hand rubbing slow and smooth circles on her back.
“Please Kate,” Max murmured into her neck, “I can't help you unless I know what's wrong. Whatever it is, I promise I won't be mad.”
Kate took a huge, shuddering breath and whispered, “You promise?”
“I promise.”
Kate took unsteady breaths and eventually calmed down enough to gently push Max away. She pushed Max into a sitting position on the floor and slowly lowered herself down in front of Max. She stared at Max's hands, wanting to hold them and feel the soft yet solid comfort they gave, but she clenched her hands into too tight fists.
Kate turned her head down, unable to look at Max. She took shaking breath after shaking breath and muttered, “Why me?”
“What?”
She screwed her eyes shut. She already sounded so hurt. God please give her strength… She took another deep, unsteady breath.
“Why… me? Why do you want me?” Her voice sounded so small, so weak, so pathetic, and her eyes were watering from the shame of sounding so tiny.
“Kate, why would I not want you?”
“Because I do nothing but hurt you!” Oh no, oh God, the words were spilling out, “I do nothing but push you away then pull you back in! I want your comfort and your affection but I never give anything in return. I just take and take and take and never give you anything and I feel so awful about it. I don't know why I agreed to be with you. You deserve so much better, someone that can give you everything you give in return. Someone that isn't afraid to hold your hand in public, that isn't afraid to kiss you and hug you. All I do is corrupt you and hurt you. I'm bad, I'm a coward, and you shouldn't associate with me.”
Kate was shaking violently, her harsh breathing the only sound in the room. Moments after she finished her word vomit, she felt arms wrap around her and pull her into Max. She squeezed Kate, a soft and constant pressure, and Kate was just frozen and tense.
After long minutes pass, Max's soft voice fills the room. “You want to know why I chose you?” Max doesn't continue and Kate realizes that she wants a response. Kate doesn't trust her voice, so she nods, her hair and chin brushing lightly against Max.
“When I look at you, I feel warm. I feel like I'm by a fireplace in a home, cozy and warm and familiar and safe. You're so kind, one of the few truly kind people I've met since I came back. If I remember right, you were the first one that talked to me here. You were timid and quiet and a bit awkward but I was, too. That took guts to do, guts and kindness, and a whole lot of them.”
Max pulled back and took one of Kate's hands into her own, smoothing the skin and coaxing her fingers to unclench. “I thought you were really cute back then, but then I heard you play the violin one day. I was passing by your dorm when I heard you. It was one of the most beautiful sounds I have ever heard. I, uh, stood outside your door for a long time, listening. I think that was the moment Victoria decided that I was a freak.”
Max laughed a nervous little laugh, and Kate's heart twisted even more. Max lifted Kate's chin, forcing Kate to look into kind and soft eyes.
“I'm jumping around a lot here. Sorry, there's just too many reasons. They're all just jumping around, trying to get to the front of my head, like bunnies on a sugar high.”
Kate huffed out a little laugh, a tear escaping her eye. Max brushed it away with her thumb and kissed the corner of her eye.
“Kate, you are amazing and beautiful and one of the greatest people I have ever met. I'm really sorry you feel like this, and that you can't see what I do, but I'm gonna try my hardest to make you see, okay? You deserve nothing less than happiness.”
Max stood up and pulled Kate with her. She turned to the blankets and said over her shoulder, “Oh, and that stuff about giving back what I give you? You can give back by helping me build a blanket cave, setting up the TV, and cuddling me a lot.”
Kate looked down and grabbed her arm. She was red all over and smiling at the floor like an idiot. Oh God, she's been such an idiot. An ungrateful idiot.
She walked over to Max and started helping her arrange the blankets. She knew that she would still be conflicted and torn between Max and God, that she would still be afraid of showing her love in public, but she would work on it. Max was worth the work.
And as she cuddled into Max in their blanket cave and watched her watching the screen, she realized that she wouldn't ever have to figure it out alone.