Chapter Text
Demo stood on the side of the road, party hat on his head, one raccoon on a leash in front of him, another strapped to his chest in a baby carrier.
Soldier stood next to him, wearing a party hat on top of his helmet. He had a raccoon under each arm, as well as one casually climbing around his back and chest.
They both thought it was a pretty good end to the afternoon.
“Where the hell is the bus?” Solly asked.
The highway stretched before them, sandy and barren. There wasn't anything for miles except for desert, the bus sign, and the town of Teufort behind them.
Demo checked his watch.
“Should be another five minutes or so.”
“Hmph, back in my day the buses had the decency to run on time!”
“I've never been a fan of them myself.” Demo nodded. “More of a train man.”
One of the raccoons under Solly's arm gurgled, surely in agreement with their opinions on public transportation.
“Aww someone's sleepy.” Demo smiled.
Solly looked down at the creature with a grin.
“Don't worry private! We'll get you all home quick as quicksand and you can spend the rest of the day on company mandated nap time!”
Solly put the other raccoon on his shoulder, moving to hold the tired one in a baby carry. The raccoon yawned, licking its chops where bits of pink frosting were still crusted to its fur.
“Thanks again for helping wrap the presents Tav!” Solly said looking up at his human companion.
“Ah wasn't anything.” Demo replied, scratching the head of the animal on his chest. It gargled at him, but they both knew it was just for show. “Always happy to help out with your beasties.”
“I mean it! And I am sure they would expression appreciation for your gifts if they could, wouldn't you Sargent Scratchy?”
He went to scratch the raccoon under its chin. It bit his finger and drew blood. Soldier did not mind. The BLU team's medic had synthesized a cure for rabies years ago with the help of his various animal bites. He'd even been the first to test it out thank you very much!
Demo smiled, watching him coo over the vermin like a mother over a baby. Hell if anything, they were Solly's children. And, being his children, Demo was nothing but proud to be trusted with their care and happiness. They were actually quite adorable when you got past the eating habits and teeth.
“Well I'm glad to hear they appreciate me.” he laughed.
“I also appreciate you.” Solly said, looking back up at him.
He leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. The raccoons between them snarled and scratched at each other, instantly quieting when they parted.
“Always happy to spend some time with you too.” Demo smiled. “Promise I'm not using you just to play with these little trash eaters.”
“Ha! They prefer me anyways! They know I have the best trash this side of the Mississippi!”
“Pretty good taste in pizzerias too.” Demo agreed. “We should go back sometime. I need more of those garlic sticks.”
“And the ice-cream cake!”
“Oooh yes I want one of those my next birthday!” he grinned, mouth watering already at the memory of the sugary goodness. “You American's certainly have perfected the art of overly sugary artery clogging sweets. They're worth shaving off the extra months of my life.”
Jane nodded, quickly retrieving his Tactical Notebook to write down this important piece of information. Sargent Scratchy gave only minimal disapproval at being used as a table top.
Eventually the bus arrived and the two men and five wild animals hoped on. The driver was very easily convinced to drop them off at Solly's place despite it's divergence from the planned route. A few minutes later they arrived safe and sound at the former hotel building where Soldier made his home. Still condemned, still covered in various warning signs, and still smelling vaguely of mold. They climbed up to the second floor and quickly collapsed into the room Soldier had long made into his apartment.
“What's the time now Degroot?” Jane asked, closing the door behind them and locking all twelve of the locks.
“2pm exactly, right on schedule!” Demo announced as he let Lieutenant Cupcake out of the baby carrier. Jane likewise set his pets down onto the ground and watched as they they scurried off to parts unknown.
“Wonderful. Should be just in time for check in!”
“Just let me freshen up a bit,” Demo said unleashing Private Pumpernickel, watching her scurry away to her favorite pile of bullet casings in the corner. “I should be ready to head out in a few minutes.”
He headed to the restroom, discovering one of the creatures had beat him there and was intent on watching him urinate. Which reminded him...
“Oh, could you make me some coffee for the road?”
“On it!” Jane called back, fishing Tavish's favorite coffee from the cupboard and slapping the brew together with practiced precision. He had no fridge, no oven, and no microwave, but by god he always had a coffee maker. And he always made sure to keep stocked up on Tavihs' preferred band for it whenever he stopped by.
Back in the bathroom, the Scot could smell when the the coffee began to percolate. An invigorating scent that gave him the boost to wrangle Lieutenant Licks away from the sink.
“You alright in there?” Jane called.
“Yeah yeah. Just trying to wash my face.”
Lieutenant Licks was quickly tossed out of the bathroom, the door closed swiftly behind him. Jane watched as he waddled towards the kitchen looking for snacks.
“In that case, I shall rally the troops for our departure!”
Jane looked over the rest of the birthday boys and girls with stern approval. Scratchy and Pumpernickel were wrestling in the corner, Licks was already half asleep under the table. Bites and Cupcake were sniffing around the trashcan, confused by its emptiness.
“All right maggots, listen up!”
The raccoons listened, as much as raccoons could.
“Me and Tavish are going to be gone for the next eleven days on a combination vacation and anniversary get away in Las Vegas!”
They all chittered in recognition.
“Lieutenant Cupcake is your commanding officer until then!
Lieutenant Cupcake ambled up to him and climbed up his leg, clearly wanting to be held for a bit now that he was free of the baby carrier.
“I have scheduled sporadic rib delivery to the dumpster out back while we are gone. As usual, you can all climb out from the hole in the closet to get to it. The pipe next to it is still leaking, so there should be plenty of liquid to go around.”
He wasn't entirely sure it was water leaking out of the pipe, but it had yet to kill either his troop or himself after being consumed, so it was perfectly fine.
“You're all familiar with Stabby from downstairs.” Jane continued.
“That meth addict that's always threatening to stab us?” Tavish called from the bathroom.
“The very same!”
“How's she doing?”
“Good!” Jane replied “She recently threatened to stab me!”
“Well, glad to hear she's doing alright.”
“Agreed! Now,” he pointed at the various raccoons in front of him. “I have given Stabby Spy's phone number, emergency phone number, base phone number, and the number to his private phone in his bedroom. Should any emergency occur and require backup, Stabby has been instructed to call him and order up the cavalry. Pray to god you will not need it.”
“How much trouble could they get up to?” Tavish asked, now properly freshened as he left the bathroom.
“Do not underestimate them. Their tiny hands are perfectly suited for thievery, chicanery, and common misbehavior.”
Tavish looked down at the fat little furballs between them. Most of them had chosen to pile atop one another in the overturned armchair by the front door.
Jane returned his attention to the cozy creatures.
“Your mission, for the duration of our leave, is to enjoy yourselves and defend this here home base. Understood?”
The raccoons were all looking at him, but Tavish could not tell if they were listening.
Jane, however, much practiced in the art of beastspeak, could see they were all fully cognizant of their duties.
Soldier saluted his platoon. Demo also saluted them, just to be polite.
“Alright, now that they have been briefed, any last minute provisions?”
“I don't think so,” Tavish said as he looked over the apartment. “Bags already packed, trucks fueled up. Did you have anything?”
They looked over the place to see if there was anything they'd forgotten. Tavish had insisted on doing a brief clean up before leaving. It was always best to come back home with no chores to worry about, in his opinion. No dishes, no laundry, and no cleaning. Just a bed to collapse on and sleep.
Jane never really bothered with things like dishes or laundry or cleaning, but had agreed just to see what it was like. His usually messy apartment was now the picture of pre-vacation orderliness. The windows were freshly re-boarded and dusted. The trash had been taken out and the fridge emptied of the many old leftovers he'd been holding onto. All of the emergency rations were neatly stacked in their corner, guns and knives tucked into their secret locations. His haircut magazines were neatly organized on the night stand and his boxes of ammo tucked under his bed. The row of furniture that Jane used to blockade the front door had been realigned, wiped down, and sprayed with pine scented air-freshener.
Hell, they'd even swept up the floor!
As far as either of them could tell, there was nothing left to do but go.
“Nope.” Jane finally answered. He shrugged and went back to the kitchen, turning off the coffee maker and pouring the fresh drink into a thermos with just the right amount of cream and sugar. He returned to Tavish's side and handed him his drink.
“Are you freshened?”
“Thank you,” he said with a smile. “And yes, fresh as a daisy. Should be able to stay awake til we get to the hotel.”
“Outstanding!”
There luggage was ready and waiting by the bed. Tavish up three of his bags. Jane, however, seemed dead set on taking as many bags down at once. When he opened the door the figure that tumbled out in front of him was more suitcase than man. He watched as his partner teetered back and forth, maneuver himself carefully towards the stairwell.
“Do you need help?” Demo asked, trying to hold back a laugh as he locked the door behind them.
“Negatory.”
“You can always make two trips you know.”
“Two trips is commie talk!” Solly declared, barreling out the front door, down the stairs and disappearing to the floor below.
By the time Demo reached his truck Solly had thrown his stuff in the back and was huffing up a storm on the tailgate.
“Well I can't say that wasn't impressive.” Demo said tossing his stuff in as well.
“Like I said, two trips I com-where are you going?”
“Have to go up and get my last two bags!”
A few minutes later when the truck was started up and Soldier was eagerly noting their time in his tactical planner, the two were finally ready to go.
Demo turned to Soldier, hands on the wheel, smile on his face, head and heart racing with the week ahead.
“Ready for the most romantic and spectacular Combination-Valentines-and-Anniversary vacation Mr. Doe?” he grinned.
“I have never been more ready for anything in my life!” Soldier said, his own crooked grin wide across his face, his own skull and chest doing a rumba of anticipation.
With that, Demo revved the truck around the parking lot and Soldier turned on the radio to their favorite station. They headed out onto the road, towards the highway, and on towards Las Vegas. It only took them two minutes to realize they were going the wrong way before turning around.