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Bruce doesn’t know where he went wrong in life, but he knows he doesn’t deserve this. The rest of the league is play ‘fuck, marry, kill’. A high school game. And, worst of all, they are using famous people Bruce knows. Not on a personal personal level, but personal enough. It was awkward to say the least.
“Isn’t he good friends with that Bruce Wayne dude?” Yes, in fact, Bruce is indeed good friends with Sebastian. Not close enough to be considered besties, but friends enough that Bruce would vouch for Sebastian if it ever came to it. (It has, Bruce took that bitch down within a month. Sebastian sent him an expensive drink. Inside joke.)
“Oh! Fuck, marry, kill Bruce Wayne.” Diana!
“Oh, fuck. Definitely.” Flash’s immediate answer.
“Kill.” Fuck you too Oliver.
“I’ll have to say marry. That man screams marriage material.” Clark sends a wink to Bruce.
Bruce groans, vocally.
The teams looks at him. “Batman, fuck, marry, kill Bruce Wayne.” Flash says a little too excited.
“Kill.” Ya. He’s gonna throw himself out of the watch tower here in a minute.
Flash blinks. “Wow. He didn’t even think about it. Why are you against Wayne? From what I’ve read, he seems like a decent guy. For a rich person that is.” Green Arrow and Bruce both huff at that.
Green Lantern hums from his spot. “I gotta agree with Flash on this. The guy honestly doesn’t seem that bad. Other then the fact he does turn up with random kids just as often as you.”
Bruce gapped in his mind. His face was completely blank. “Wow. Thanks.”
Clark pats Bruce’s shoulder. “Hey now guys, don’t drag the kids in.”
“No. Let’s do! You guys remember the Jason kid? What the fuck happened to him?”
“Car crash is what the news said.”
“It doesn’t seem right. You’re telling me, Bruce Wayne, billionaire, who seems like a decent dad from what I see, can’t find a good driver for his kid”
“THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING!” Flash shouts, happy to be finally heard.
“And then the Drake kid. Wasn’t he Wayne’s neighbor?”
“Ya, the Drakes. They’re dead now, long story. The kid is adopted by Wayne now. Even runs the company.”
“Wait, wait. Circle back to that Jason. I thought they said he was blown up?”
“Uh…”
“Guys, there’s like, twenty stories. None of the Waynes have answered, not even the butler.”
“It’s a shame. I’ve actually met the Waynes, long story as well, when the kid was alive. He was cute. Sarcastic little shit, but cute. Really smart too. Had a thing for… oh what was it? Shakespeare I think it was. Reminds me of the second Robin actually.” Flash, under his breath, says, “RIP kid, you woulda loved to see Hamilton.”
Bruce gives Flash that. Jason, in fact, did enjoy that musical. He went with Dick (more like dragged Dick), Damian, and Duke the other month. (Cass and Tim, sadly, where busy the entire week it was in Gotham.)
“Wow. Shakespeare? Wasn’t he 15 when he passed?”
“Ya. Like I said, smart kid. Loved, I mean fucking loved, plays, musicals, poetry. It was like you put someone from them Elizabethan Era in his body. He, in the few minutes I knew him, would say random lines from what he’s already read.”
“Wow.”
The team sits back, silently morning the teen they never met. (They have, even though they don’t know.) ((they were thinking of the second Robin as they sit quietly.))
Bruce is a statue. Clark tightens his grip. “Let’s change the sub-“
“His oldest, Dick Grayson right?”
“Ya. His parents were in the circus. Died there too.”
“Flash, why do you know that?”
“Why not? They were actually kind of famous in the circus world. They were call The Flying Graysons. Dick, the kid, was apart if the act too. Something went wrong. Line snapped I think. He’s a cop last I heard.”
“Wait. How did the Drake kid come in?”
“Neighbors. We said this. Keep up Lantern.”
“Exactly, jackass! He was a neighbor. And they are rich. Like, rich rich. Neighbors for their types of neighborhoods aren’t exactly… neighbors. Each house would at least be a mile or so out. And, from what I know, the Drakes never went to an event Wayne held.”
“The Jason kid was only a couple of years older. Not even. Friends from school?”
“Maybe.”
The conversation pauses. Bruce hopes this is it.
“Doesn’t Wayne have a daughter?”
“Ya I think. Cassandra I believe.”
Bruce is pretty sure his jaw is going to explode. Clark desperately tries to cut in again. No one seems to notice. He’s grateful for the attempt at least.
“She’s pretty. I remember seeing her in the news once for an event. Not in a creepy way!”
“No, no. We got you Lantern.”
“There’s two more right?”
“Think so. His bio kid, Damian, and some other kid named… Duke. Duke is pretty new from what I remember.”
“Wait, wait! Wayne has a biological kid!?”
“Ya! It was pretty big in the celebrity world! How did you miss it!?”
“I don’t know.”
“Dumbass.”
“Fucktard.”
“Circling back to the Grayson kid, you said he was a cop? Wasn’t he in college for something?”
“Dropped out. I think.”
“Flash, seriously, why do you know so much about the Waynes?”
“Why not? Fuck off, I don’t have a life.”
“Far enough.”
Bruce shakes. Not a lot, but enough that Clark noticed. “Why,” he clears his throat. “Why are we talking about this?”
“Because the meeting is over.”
Bruce shakes his head. “No, I mean, why are you speaking of this. Surly there is something so much more interesting to talk about.”
Green Arrow waves him off. “No, not really. Besides, it’s not like Wayne can hear us. Unless is he randomly got superhearing.” Bruce wants to die.
“Hey! Doesn’t his daughter do dance!? I think I’ve seen her on tv.”
“Lantern, you have a weird obsession with Ms. Cassandra.”
“I promise it’s in the least weird way possible.”
Bruce is going to throw up. Kill his team, and throw up again. Why is he still here? His phone goes off. He ignores it. More conversation about his family and then the towers phone goes off.
The humor and conversation immediately dies. Bruce, more then thankful for this to end, answers within seconds. “Justice-“
“DAD! TELL D- NIGHTWING TO GIVE ME MY FUCKING COFFEE BACK!” Tim is in the frame with his mask on. Thankfully.
Dick, with his on as well, is on the ceiling with Tim’s coffee. “DAD, HE’S HAD 8 IN THE PAST THIRTY MINUTES!”
Jason, who’s on the other side of Tim with the phone, is laughing historically. Also with his mask. In fact, all of his children are wearing them and on the screen. Bruce is going to kill them.
“Dad, you don’t understand-“ wheeze, “Red Robin is literally vibrating. Nightwing, I hope you fall and break your neck.”
“I hope you choke.”
“I did. On my own blood and pieces of flesh stuck in my mouth when I blew up-“
The team winces loudly. Bruce looks at the ceiling.
“FATHER, TI- RED ROBIN HAS STOLEN MY PENCIL! THE GOOD ONE!” Damian shouts from- being tapped to the wall????
Cass comes from the other side of Tim and tackles Dick to the ground after a big leap into the air. The two tumble and Tim reaches out to grab the coffee. None of the team finds out if Tim made it because Jason dropped the phone and dove at a Damian who freed himself and was going for Tim with a knife.
Bruce sighs once again.
Duke, oh blessive Duke, smiles from picking up the phone. “Hey, Pops. How is your day.”
Bruce smiles at Duke. At least he has one normal-
Duke screeches as Dick and Jason tackle him to the ground and fight for the phone.
Duke fights back.
Get rid of that last statement. Duke is screaming at inhuman volumes and scratching Jason and Dick at anywhere he can reach to keep the phone.
“BOYS! and cass.” He adds the last part when he sees her reaching for the scissor and being them closer to Damian’s head.
Everything on that side of the phone freezes.
The camera is in perfect view of everyone where it landed when Duke took the last resort of throwing the damn thing.
Tim is holding a poor Damian down, pinning him and Cass is nearly pissing herself as she holds the scissors above Damian’s head as Damian whips his head back and forth, Jason, Dick, and Duke are in a cartoon-like ball of pulling hair/legs/ears/anything they can get their hands on.
Alfred is in the back with tea and a book.
“I’m in the middle of a meeting. This line is for emergency use only.”
Jason, letting go, pouts. “Dic- Nightwing started it!”
“I don’t care-“
“No- you don’t understand!”
“well, make me.”
“Ok, so, I was minding my business right-“
“Bullshit.”
“I WAS! Anyway, I was minding my business and Ti-Red Robin comes in my room right? SCREAMING about his poor coffee-“ Tim nods sadly, looking at the broken mug with longing, “and, naturally, I try and figure out what’s wrong.”
“Go on.”
“So, Nightwing comes in right after Red and glared at him, right? He tells me that Red had gas like 10 fucking coffees already. So, being a good older brother Nightwing is, he knocks Red out-“
Bruce sighs deeply. He waves vaguely as Jason paused.
“Red wakes up after a few minutes and rages. Because he can’t do anything to Wing, he goes for Robin, right, and well…”
“Well?”
“Orphan was in the room, and Red spills the dirty paint water on Orphan’s new, white dress, not on purpose, as he goes for his pencils. Before you ask, no I don’t know why she was in the room. Naturally, she’s pissed off-“ Jason takes a large breath, “And chances him around. Red grabs Robin’s pencil and ends up chasing her-“
“No, me grab, not him.”
Jason’s head turns to her confused. “That’s what Robin said?”
Cass rolls her eyes. “Robin wanted have reason to stab Red.”
“Ah.” Jason turns back to the screen. “Got that?” Bruce only nods with his eyes closed. He doesn’t want to look at his team. Or his children. “Right. Anyway, Robin here is more then ready to stab Red. I call you, you didn’t answer, so I called the tower.”
“… right.”
“Oh! And your bedroom, bathroom, and office is on fire. Alfred has call 911 already. Actually, I think I hear the sirens-“
“My office is on fire!?”
“Ya, I just said that. Use your ears Dad. Bats are supposed to hear really well-“
“Jas- Hood, listen to me very carefully.”
“Um. Ok?”
“Fuck. Wait- Jesus Christ.”
“What?”
“Adoption papers for Du-Singal.”
“Oh. Don’t worry, A has them.”
“A has- A why did you go into the fire- actually, I don’t care. All of you are grounded. Goodbye.”
“WAIT!” They all shout at once.
“For fucks sake. What now?”
“HEY GREEN ARROW!”
“Add six months to that grounding.”
“HEY GREEN LANTERN!”
“You’re never leaving the house again.”
He hangs up before they can say anything else.
The team looks at him.
They will never truly understand how chaotic his children are. No amount of media ether. It’s just not possible.
Now, for that ‘How did Jason Todd die?’ thing…
Bruce really needs to get on that one day.