Work Text:
"Hey, Shellhead?" Steve asked, walking into the mansion kitchen.
"Hmm?" Tony looked up from a newspaper he was flicking through. "Something wrong?"
Steve held out his laptop computer, feeling bashful even though he knew Tony wouldn't mind helping him out. "I think I got one of those computer illnesses. Every time I start it up, there's this pop up window that won't go away. I thought you might be willing to give me a hand getting it fixed."
"Oh." Tony took the computer and set it on the table in front of him. He levered it open and hit the power button. "That's too bad. Of course I can help you with that."
"If you're busy, I can take it to the computer store down the street. I know they do repairs."
"Of course not. Don't be silly. I've got this covered." He poked at it for a moment, frowning, but when he looked up at Steve, he was smiling. "No problem. I just need to run a few diagnostic tools, nuke some malware. I should have it back to you by this afternoon, okay?"
"That's perfect. Thank you so much, Tony."
"Hey, what are friends for?" Tony winked and bumped his shoulder against Steve's, then took the computer, his newspaper, and his glass of orange juice, and walked out.
Friends. Steve sighed. Yeah. Friends. Because that's what he and Tony were. Close friends. Best buds. Nothing more.
Steve didn't even know how to tell Tony he was attracted to men, let alone that Tony was the man he was attracted to, first as Iron Man, and now as Tony too. And yet, every time Tony did little things like laugh at Steve's jokes during Avengers meetings, or make him extra bacon at breakfast, or fix his computer, Steve's heart did incredibly silly things in his chest.
Tony probably wouldn't mind. He had explained some things that had changed in the world, when Steve came out of the ice, and he'd made it clear his stance on homophobia, one Steve appreciated. But Tony being sweet and kind about Steve's confession would only make it worse, somehow. The gentle but caring dismissal. The way his voice would go soft and he'd whisper, Oh, Steve, a little sadly, like he wished he didn't have to break Steve's heart.
Nope. It wasn't worth the risk.
So Steve would keep getting a little thrill out of all the ways Tony showed he cared, only letting himself pretend that care was deeper than it was in the privacy of his own bedroom at night.
**
Tony had the computer for two whole days, which actually had Steve worrying that something more serious was wrong with it. He didn't really mind not having his computer, he didn't use it for much, but he did have two unfinished mission reports stuck on it and he didn't relish the thought of starting over on paper.
He was halfway through his morning pushups when a knock came on the door, and Tony called out, "Winghead? I've got your laptop."
Steve stood and grabbed a hand towel to wipe the sweat off his brow, then opened the door. "Hi, Tony. Come on in."
Tony waltzed in and handed Steve the computer. "Okay, we might need to have a lesson on internet security cause that thing was messy, Steve. How many sweepstakes winner pop ups have you been clicking on?"
Steve frowned. "I didn't think I was doing too badly. It was running okay until the other day." He sighed. He really thought he was getting the hang of it.
"Hey, it's okay." Tony patted his shoulder. "It's easy to click on the wrong thing. Lots of misleading emails and stuff. You know, if there's anything you're ever unsure about, you're always welcome to come ask me."
"Thanks, Tony. I really appreciate that."
"Of course. Well." He clapped his hands together. "I'm sure you want to get back to your reports. I made sure all your Avengers files and your photos were backed up before I cleared out the garbage."
There was a sudden sense of foreboding growing in Steve's gut, and it started to bloom into a heat that crawled up the back of his neck. "You, uh, you looked through my files?" He hadn't thought that would be a necessary part of the process.
"Oh, no." Tony held up a hand. "Just made sure all your folders were safe. The diagnostic tools found some concerning stuff. I had to backup your files and programs and wipe the whole drive. But I put everything back and reinstalled your word processor and everything. Should be smooth as silk now!" Tony gave Steve's shoulder a pat as he headed for the door. "See you later!"
"Bye, Shellhead…" Steve muttered, entirely focused on the laptop he held in his arms. There was no way Tony saw the - right? I mean, if he had, surely he would have said something. Or at the very least been awkward, uncomfortable. He was too relaxed, too normal, to have been faced with such a bombshell. So he really must have just looked at the main folder and thought Steve's "Videos" collection was from his camcorder or something.
Steve cleared his throat roughly and locked the door to his bedroom. He sat on the bed and levered open the top of the laptop. He pushed the power button and typed in his password when prompted. Trying not to panic, he clicked on his Personal folder, then Videos, and his heart dropped. It was all gone.
He'd seen the advice online somewhere, that you should label folders you didn't want people to find with a lot of letters and numbers instead of a name. Then it would look like a system folder instead of files. So Steve had done that, but apparently when Tony ran his computer diagnostic tools, it had found that folder.
The question, Steve supposed, was whether Tony had automatically deleted anything the tools found, or if he went and looked and found -
Well.
13 gigabytes of gay pornography.
There were a lot of confusing and challenging things about 20th century technology, but Steve had learned about internet pornography pretty early on in his research, and he'd found a website with an immense library of videos, each of which could easily be downloaded with the click of a button.
At first, he'd been worried that what he was viewing on his computer would somehow be public, but after some sly questioning, he determined that his search history was private.
Maybe it was immoral, almost certainly it was unhealthy, but when Steve had grown up, his urges towards men weren't something he was even allowed to acknowledge, let alone indulge in, and when he'd seen the button offering men-with-men videos instead of the standard fare he'd first clicked through, well he hadn't entirely been in control of his own fingers anymore as they slammed down on the mouse.
Once the videos were downloaded, Steve could watch them anywhere, and any time. And so the collection had begun, hoarded like Steve had hoarded food when he'd woken up and found it so abundant. He was a young man, with a… healthy body, and he wasn't immune to loneliness, so sometimes he indulged in a little self-care, and when he did, he watched something from his collection.
It wasn't just sexual, it was also comforting, in some way, to see men together. Even if they were only pretending to enjoy each other, it was still nice to find stories like that so readily available. And it wasn't not sexual either. Steve had always found men beautiful, enticing, mouth-watering, and knowing that the purpose of the videos was to have the actors lusted after by other men made the deep-set guilt he'd carried most of his life melt away.
But now it was all gone, every video, and the grief of the loss was more intense than Steve had expected. He knew Tony absolutely hadn't meant to upset him, it hadn't been cruel or targeted, but his chest still ached with hurt, like Tony had tried to delete the part of him that was like that, that wanted that.
And now he was faced with the horrible question of what to do next.
He could thank Tony again for fixing his computer, go back to the website - if he could find it again - and start re-downloading things. Perhaps it was healthy to have a fresh start, clean slate. Perhaps he could keep the size of the collection better under control this time.
Or… he could ask Tony if there was a way to get them back.
Steve would be the first to admit that while he picked things up quickly, the actual inner workings of computers was much beyond him. It was why he asked Tony for help in the first place. He'd heard of things like file recovery and backups, and maybe there was something like that, where he could get the whole thing back with the push of a button instead of painstakingly rebuilding a multi-year collection from scratch.
But to do that, Steve would have to tell Tony what it was he wanted back. He couldn't just say "all his files" because Tony clearly found dangerous files that he shouldn't have on the machine. And, for the first time, Steve wondered if maybe the videos were the bad files. Maybe what Tony had been getting at earlier about not clicking on things was that he shouldn't download pornography like that.
"Shit," Steve said to his computer, deflating with a sigh. The fundamental truth was that he either needed to give up on the videos or come clean to Tony. Come out to Tony. His heart stuttered in his chest. He'd never told anyone. He knew Tony was okay with it, theoretically, but it was different when it was someone you knew.
What if Tony hated him? What if he rejected their friendship? That risk wasn't worth it for a bunch of porn videos, surely.
And yet…
Maybe it was time.
There was an underlying desire to share this last piece of himself with his best friend, because he was tired of hiding, tired of lying by omission, and maybe hoping, desperately, that he could experience acceptance for the first time.
A stew of emotions, Steve closed his laptop and decided to sleep on it, but he had a fitful night of weird dreams and woke up feeling no better or more confident in his decisions than he had the night before.
Steve went down to the kitchen for orange juice and toast once the sun was up and found Tony already there, taking some notes on a pad of paper with a mug of coffee sitting at his elbow. As soon as he saw Steve, he lit up with a brilliant grin. "Good morning."
And suddenly, Steve couldn't keep it a secret anymore. If Tony really cared for him, he would still care for him knowing this, and if he couldn't, well maybe they shouldn't be friends. "Good morning. I actually have a question about my computer. Do you think I could come down to your workshop later?"
"Uh, sure. Of course." There was an edge of confusion that made it clear that Tony was wondering why Steve couldn't just ask him right then and there, but Steve went to the toaster and started making his breakfast, firmly ignoring the curiosity. "Come down any time," Tony said, as he pushed his chair back and left the kitchen with his mug.
Steve forced himself to finish his breakfast and do his morning regimen in the gym and the combat simulator, then went to his room and got his laptop and jogged downstairs to Tony's workshop.
Tony was elbows deep in part of Iron Man, but he set his tools aside as soon as Steve walked in. "Hey, Winghead. What's the problem?"
"So," Steve said carefully, "some of my files are missing. And I wanted to ask you if that was because they were bad files I shouldn't have downloaded, or if it was a mistake."
Tony tilted his head to the side, clearly thinking. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to delete anything important. I took a full backup, just in case, so I'm sure I can get your files back. Which ones are missing?"
Steve swallowed hard and shifted around so he was holding the laptop in front of himself, the closest approximation to a shield he could manage right now. "My… videos. That I downloaded from the internet."
Tony's expression twisted into deeper confusion, then realization visibly dawned. "Oh," he said flatly. "Um." His cheeks flushed bright red, and Steve considered just turning around, walking out, and pretending this had never happened. "Those were - oh." He rubbed a hand over his face. "Steve… I'm so sorry."
Steve opened his mouth ready to - something - apologize? Explain? But then he processed Tony's words and he blinked at him instead. "What?"
"I'm so, so sorry." Tony took a half step forward then stopped himself, twisting his hands together. "I just assumed, you know, that it was an accident, I saw some, um, titles, and I made an assumption, and that was so horrible of me, and I'm so sorry." He was babbling now. "And I mean, of course, someone's porn preferences don't necessarily say anything about them, I've certainly dabbled in some questionable content, and since I've already made an ass of myself once making assumptions, I'll just - uh - I'll let you - um…" Tony trailed off.
Steve wondered what kind of face he was making but the truth was, he didn't know how he should react. "You're apologizing," he said, "for assuming those weren't my files?"
"Well, yes?" Tony sort of half-shrugged. "I assumed you - I -" he sighed. "I assumed someone like Captain America wouldn't even watch porn, let alone -" he coughed.
"Let alone two men together?"
"Yeah."
"I see."
"But that wasn't very nice of me, because obviously you're not just an icon, you have - um - needs. You're a - a person -" Tony gestured vaguely.
"A gay person," Steve said flatly.
"Pardon?" Tony had gone very, very still.
"I'm not just a person with a sex drive, Tony. I'm a gay person with a sex drive. I'm gay. I've never told anyone that, but I'm attracted to other men. The pornography on my computer was mine, collected by me, because I wanted to watch men being intimate with each other, especially since I can't have that myself. I'm sorry if this has stressed you out, I really am, but all I need to know is if the files were safe to have and if I can have them back. If they were dangerous downloads with malicious software on them, or something, just let me know and I'll leave you to your work."
"Why can't you have that yourself?"
Steve blinked. "What?"
"You said you wanted to see men being intimate with each other because you can't have that yourself."
"That's what you -? Yes, I - Tony, I'm Captain America. I can't just go out and date a man."
"You want to date a man."
Steve's humiliation morphed into frustrated disappointment. Tony was being so odd and was clearly deeply uncomfortable, so Steve's fear was coming true. He tried to keep his emotions under control long enough to get out, get alone, and nurse his wounds. "Tony, can I just get my -"
"I want to date a man too," Tony blurted out.
"What?"
"I'm also interested in men. You're not alone. And it's not as bleak as you think. I've dated quietly. It can be done." He took a full step closer this time, then reached out and rested his hand on Steve's forearm. "This came out all wrong. I'm sorry. Steve, I'm really glad you trusted me enough to tell me this, though I'm sorry you felt like you had to because I deleted the wrong files. I can get your videos back. I'll scan them and make sure everything's safe, then I'll transfer them for you."
The roller coaster of emotions pounding through Steve meant he was barely able to say, "Thank you." He was still stuck on Tony admitting he was interested in men too. Any particular man? Steve wanted to ask.
"Are you okay? Are we okay?" Tony asked.
"Of course." Steve shook his head to clear it. "Yes, of course. Always. Thank you. For understanding."
Tony looked relieved. "I mean… you're not the only man with needs." He winked.
That made Steve laugh and the tension released a little. "Maybe you have some recommendations for me." His cheeks got hot before the words were even out of his mouth.
Tony's teeth ran over his bottom lip and he leaned a little closer. "Based on the size of your collection, I think it might be the other way around."
"You've - uh - you've dated men in real life, though?"
"A few times." Tony nodded. "Nothing really serious. I mean it, you know. You can have that, if you want it. I can help protect you from media backlash. Captain America might not really belong to you anymore, but Steve Rogers can have that life. We can put extra measures in place to make sure those two are never connected. You deserve love, Steve."
Heat pressed against the back of Steve's eyes. "Thank you."
Tony swallowed. "I mean… I already love you, so. I know for a fact you're very lovable. And you should be loved by the person you want to be loved by."
Steve couldn't tear his gaze away from Tony's face. There was a vulnerable openness he hadn't seen there since he found out Tony was Iron Man. "I -" Steve took a breath. "It - it sounds like maybe I already am?"
Tony's eyes grew slowly wider. "Really?"
"I really don't want to make you uncomfortable, Shellhead, but if you're okay with hearing it, I've wanted to tell you how I feel about you for a long time now."
Tony gave a solf, relieved laugh. "How about that? Me too."
"I think I've been in love with you since I woke up in a new world and the first thing I heard was your voice."
"Oh, Steve," Tony whispered.
Steve opened his arms, and Tony tipped into them, pressing his face into the crook of Steve's neck and breathing out slowly. They'd hugged before, but this was so different. This felt like a promise, not just comfort but connection. "Be mine?" Steve asked, and maybe it was cheesy, but he could feel Tony's smile against his skin.
"Of course." Tony's face reappeared and his smile had twisted wry and cheeky. "Not sure I'm flexible enough to do some of the things in your videos though, hope you'll still have me."
Steve shook his head. "It wasn't about the sex, most of the time. I mean, as I said, I am a young man with, you know. But I had so many of them because I was looking for something they almost but not quite gave me. I just wanted to see men allowed to be close and intimate and loving with other men. I never got to have that before, not in that way, not romantically. And I know pornography isn't real, and it's rarely romantic, but…"
"It was a taste of what you thought you couldn't have."
"Yes."
"You can have that." Tony's arms tightened around Steve's waist. "We can have that together."
Steve brushed his knuckles across Tony's cheek, thrilling at the boldness of the touch and the way Tony leaned into it. "Thank you."
Tony backed up, taking Steve with him, to a comfortable couch in the corner of the room. He sank down onto it, with Steve beside him, then leaned back, drawing Steve along until Tony was on his back across the cushions, and Steve was pressed tightly along his side, his head on Tony's chest, his arm across his waist, their fingers wound together. It was the safest and coziest Steve had ever felt in his life, and he was nearly drowned by an overwhelming wave of emotion he couldn't quite put a name to. Like coming home after a long, long time away and seeing that everything was exactly as you'd imagined it, just as warm and welcoming as it had been in your heart.
He didn't care if he never got a single video back that he had lost. He didn't need them anymore; he had something real instead.