Chapter Text
After spending so many years drifting from one friend’s couch to another, Darlene learned how important it is to only pack the bare necessities. She can’t have all that extra shit weighing her down; she needs to be able to get up and go when the time calls for it. Her simple purple backpack was all she needed; it was roomy enough to only fit what was required and nothing else.
Which is why she can’t fathom how she became such a pack rat.
“Wow.” She can hear Dom from somewhere behind her. “I didn’t know you had so much stuff.”
“Me neither.” Darlene is helplessly staring at the mess piled around her ankles. “This is all your fault.”
The redhead steps into view; she’s holding a tall mug of coffee in one hand, and her expression is incredulous. “How the hell is this my fault?”
Darlene drops to her knees and starts to sift through the junk, frowning when she picks up an old Raspberry Pi. “Because my hoarding problem didn’t start until you came along.”
Dom snorts into her mug. “You mean it started when you got a fixed address. I just happen to share this address with you; I have absolutely nothing to do with your hoarding problem.” She watches Darlene sort through some clothes. “Where did you even keep any of this stuff, anyway? Did you have a storage unit or something?”
She raises her head to glare at her girlfriend. “I kept some shit at Cisco’s and Angela’s.”
“So you were still a hoarder, except you hoarded at other peoples’ places.” Dom sticks her head into the closet and marvels at all the free space now that Darlene’s shit is all over the floor.
“Whatever.” Darlene tosses a few cables over her shoulder. She huffs as she sorts through more things: An old laptop, three burner phones, more cables, another Raspberri Pi, at least four different pairs of shoes she’s sworn she never wore before-
“Whoa.”
“What?” Dom pulls away from the closet and turns to face Darlene, who’s gawking at a small black box cupped in both of her hands. “What is that?”
Darlene can feel her chest contracting as she slowly flips the lid open. She stops breathing when she spots the engagement ring tucked inside. The moderately sized diamond is twinkling back at her, almost like it’s grinning.
She’s suddenly transported to that night at the restaurant. She remembers the sound of gunfire and breaking glass. She remembers the way he crumpled to the floor with a gaping hole in the side of his head. She remembers the blood flecked on her face and clothes, warm and sticky. Fresh.
“Is that-” Darlene twitches at the noise; she was so lost in thought that she didn’t even notice Dom kneeling next to her. The redhead is gesturing at the ring with her coffee mug.
It takes a few seconds for Darlene to find her voice. “Yeah.” She can’t tear her eyes away from it. “I didn’t even know I still had it.”
Dom squints at the ring. “That’s a decent diamond. I wonder if the Dark Army has an engagement fund you can dip into.” When Darlene doesn’t laugh at her attempt at a joke, she frowns. “Are you okay?”
The redhead’s words unlock another memory from that night, and she laughs humourlessly to herself. “You asked me the same question that night.”
Dom blinks. “Did I?”
“You did.” Darlene’s eyes are still fixated on the ring. “After…everything happened, you asked me if I was okay, and when you were sure I wasn’t hurt, you left to talk to the cops.” She sucks in a breath; she’s still staring at the ring. “I thought I lost this.”
She isn’t really sure what she’s feeling right now. It’s something sad, that’s for sure, but she doesn’t know exactly what brand of sad she’s feeling. Regret, maybe? It’s similar to what she felt in the weeks that followed that night, when she was holed up in that safe house by herself. She remembers the endless searches for vacation packages to Budapest, the lonely nights she spent curled up in an unfamiliar bed with the tiny black box cradled in one hand.
She can feel a lump forming in her throat and she’s not really sure why. Maybe she’s just sad because this stupid ring is digging up a handful of memories she really doesn’t want to remember. That’s the most logical explanation. It’s normal to look back on stuff - especially all the crap she’s been through - and feel sad about it. Isn’t there a word for that? She’s sure there is; it’s on the tip of her tongue, and it’s driving her crazy. Cisco probably would’ve known what it was; working in a library got him to rack up quite the vocabulary.
Fuck, what’s that word? This is going to bother her.
Darlene is suddenly yanked out of her thoughts when she feels the warmth of Dom’s hand curling over her wrist. Her grasp is gentle, but also reassuring.
“Jesus.” She laughs quietly before closing the box and running a hand through her messy hair. “You scared the shit out of me.”
There’s concern etched all over Dom’s face. “You went quiet - like, really quiet, and you stayed like that for awhile. Where did you go?”
Darlene shakes her head, but she can still see the safe house. She can still see the ads for Budapest. “Nowhere far.” She sucks in a breath and rises to her feet so she can place the little black box on top of the dresser.
“What are you gonna do with it?” Dom pipes up from behind.
She shrugs and turns away from the dresser, but she quickly glances over her shoulder to stare at the box one last time before returning to the mess by the closet.
“Dunno yet. I’ll figure it out.”
Darlene is slouched over the table the next morning, rubbing her eyes with one hand and reaching for her coffee with another. The ring is still sitting on the dresser, way out of view, but she knows it’s there.
She barely slept last night. She spent the majority of the night lying on her side, her body specifically angled so that she has a clear view of the box sitting on the dresser. Sometimes it felt like the ring was staring back at her.
“You look tired.” Dom remarks; she’s sitting across from her with a half-eaten slice of toast on her plate. “Did you sleep at all last night?”
Darlene shrugs before taking a sip of her coffee. She’s in desperate need of the caffeine boost. “Not really.”
The redhead frowns. “Are you still thinking about-”
“It’s too early for an interrogation, Dom.” Darlene throws her a glare before stretching an arm across the table to grab the piece of toast, rolling her eyes before shoving it into her mouth. She isn’t really hungry, but she needed something to do, and forcing herself to eat breakfast is better than heading back to the bedroom to sulk over that stupid ring.
“Sorry.” Dom mumbles before reaching for her own mug of coffee. “You’ve just been acting weird since you found…you know.”
She shakes her head. “It’s just…I wasn’t expecting to find it, and it’s bringing back a lot of unpleasant shit.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.” Her answer comes immediately after Dom finishes speaking, and her tone is a lot harsher than she intended. When she eyes the soft shock on Dom’s face she sighs. “I think it’s something I need to sort out on my own first before I can talk about it.”
Dom’s expression relaxes a bit, but it’s clear that she’s still concerned. “Okay, but you know you can talk to me if you need to, right? You don’t have to go through this alone.”
“I know.” She swallows hard as her eyes drop to her coffee. “I appreciate it. Really.”
The redhead doesn’t look convinced. “Okay.” She slowly stands up and takes her plate to the kitchenette, quickly washing it before heading back to the table to grab her handbag. She double checks her belt, making sure her ID badge is clipped on the front and her holster is strapped to the back. “I have to go. You’ll be okay on your own?”
“How old do I look to you?” Darlene rolls her eyes again. “I can take care of myself, thanks.” When Dom’s expression doesn’t change, she heaves a sigh and stands up, shuffling over and raising her hands to rest them on the redhead’s cheeks. “Seriously, I’m fine. Go.”
She pushes herself up on her tiptoes and pulls her girlfriend in for a chaste kiss. When she pulls away, she can’t help but smirk at the tinge of pink dusted across Dom’s face.
“I’ll see you tonight.” Dom sheepishly rumples her hair with one hand before leaving their apartment.
The second Dom closes the door, Darlene rushes to the dresser to grab the box. She flips it open and her eyes immediately drop to the ring. The diamond is still here, twinkling in all its glory.
She doesn’t know why she feels compelled to look at it. It’s almost like there’s an invisible force enticing her to come closer, a pull that wants her to close the distance between them.
…Okay, she knows how insane that sounds.
She tosses the ring back on the dresser and growls out of frustration, nervously pacing the bedroom with her fingers running through her hair. She feels like she’ll explode if she stays here any longer. She has to get out. The fresh air would probably do her good.
But where could she go?
She wishes she remembers how she ended up here.
She doesn’t even know if she’s been to this bar before, but all of a sudden she finds herself sitting at a booth with people she thinks she knows with a shot glass full of bourbon in one hand.
What time is it?
She digs through her pockets for her phone, her eyes bulging when she sees Dom’s name tacked next to several missed call notifications on her screen.
She ducks out from the booth - but not before taking the shot, of course - and retreats to a quieter corner of the bar so she can quickly dial Dom’s number.
“Where the hell are you?” She’s pissed, as expected. “Do you know what time it is?”
Shit. She totally forgot to check the time.
“Sorry.” Darlene smacks her forehead with her free hand. “I know it’s late-”
“It’s fine.” Dom sighs. “It just would’ve been nice to know where you were. I haven’t heard from you all day.”
“I’m just with some friends.” She glances back at the booth; maybe one or two of them look vaguely familiar, and that’s a big maybe. “I’m actually on my way out. I’ll be home soon.”
She can hear Dom sighing again. She’s not sure if she believes her. “I’ll even stay on the phone with you for the whole way back if that’ll make you feel better.”
“You don’t have to do that.” Dom sounds tired, which only makes her feel worse. “Just get home safe, okay?”
“I will.” She hangs up and hurriedly makes her way outside. She briefly thought about saying goodbye to the people she was sitting with, but she still isn’t completely sure if she knows them. They probably didn’t even notice she left.
At least she isn’t shit faced. She was worried she might’ve drunk herself to oblivion without being fully aware of it, but she’s sober enough to know where she is, and she can walk in a straight line.
It’s a quick subway ride back to the apartment. The lights are off and Dom is already in bed by the time she’s inside. She quickly washes up and changes before slipping under the sheets; the redhead immediately reaches out to her, curling an arm around her waist and pulling her close.
“You worried me for a second.” She murmurs into her hair.
“I’m sorry.” Darlene apologizes again, reaching up to place a hand on her girlfriend’s cheek. “I should’ve called. I just needed to get out for a little while.”
“Were you still thinking about-”
She cuts her off before she has the chance to say it; she knows that if she mentions it, she’ll feel compelled to look at it again. “Yeah.”
“This is really messing with you.” She can hear the frown in Dom’s voice. “Tell me what’s going on.”
Darlene shakes her head. “I just want to sleep this off. Is that okay?”
There’s a long pause, and it’s making her uneasy.
“Okay.” Dom sounds unsure, but she wisely doesn’t press any further.
Darlene sighs before closing her eyes and nestling closer to her. She knows Dom doesn’t believe her, but she really doesn’t want to talk about it right now.
She doesn’t even know if she can.
The dreams don’t start until a couple days later.
They always start with her suddenly popping up in a vaguely familiar location, and it would take a few seconds for her to remember why it feels like she’s been here before: The pool hall he frequented with his Dark Army friends every weekend, the dimly lit lounge where she’d kick his ass at every video game they’d play, the park where he first asked her out and she laughed in his face and called him a loser before finally relenting. Sometimes she’d show up in his apartment; she’d be sitting on his bed or standing in his kitchenette and he would be at his desk hunched over his computer.
But the location never really made much of a difference because the end result would always be the same. She’d call out to him or wave her arms to get his attention, only for him to ignore her completely. She’d stand in front of him and shout until her vocal cords went raw. She’d grab him by the shirt and flip his hat off his head, and he’d go about his business as if she wasn’t there. She slapped him in the face once and he didn’t even flinch; he just kept scrolling through his phone and dragging on his cigarette.
The others would show up a week later. She’d be in the same bougie coffee shop where she recruited Trenton and Mobley into fsociety; they’d be sitting at the same table, happily chatting amongst themselves, and when she would try to join their conversation they’d continue talking like they can’t hear or see her. Sometimes her dreams would take her to Trenton’s family’s old house or Mobley’s apartment. She even ended up at Susan Jacobs’ house once with Trenton, Mobley, and Cisco crowded around the dining table tinkering with their laptops. She kicked Mobley in the shin as hard as she could and he continued typing away, completely unperturbed.
Tonight’s dream is a little different, but not in a good way.
The walls are still white. There aren’t any photos with the faces blocked out. The kitchen and living room areas aren’t cluttered with rotary phones and copies of Lolita. Qwerty is doing laps around his tiny tank.
She hears a noise coming from the bedroom, and a lump suddenly materializes in her throat. She knows what - who’s - in there, and she wants nothing more than to run in, capture her in a bear hug, and never let her go, but at the same time she can feel an unexplained dread clawing at her insides. Her feet are rooted to the ground and her fists are trembling by her sides. She doesn’t know what to do.
The bedroom door finally opens, and when Darlene catches a glimpse of her pale blonde hair and even paler blue eyes, the tears start to flow. She’s humming to herself as she scrolls through her phone. She’s decked out in exercise gear, and her wired earbuds are swinging to and fro as she moves around her apartment.
“Angela.” Darlene utters, but she knows it’s useless. She knows she can’t hear her.
Angela brushes past her so she can make her way to Qwerty’s tank, and Darlene can smell her perfume. She watches her old friend feed her pet fish, and for some reason it makes her cry harder.
It doesn’t last any longer than a few minutes. She doesn’t even get to see her leave the apartment. She wakes up with her face streaked with tears and her shirt soaked with sweat, and she decides then and there that sleeping just isn’t worth it anymore.
So she chugs mug after mug of coffee. She grabs cans of energy drinks at the bodega around the corner and gulps one down every hour. Dom is obviously concerned, but she shrugs her off every time she asks.
“Did you have another dream?” She asks her one rainy Thursday afternoon. They just finished dinner and Darlene is cracking open another energy drink.
“Can you stop with the questions?” She growls before dumping half the can into her mouth. “It’s way past annoying now.”
“It’s been a week since you started this caffeine binge.” Dom frowns. “This isn’t healthy, Darlene. You can’t keep doing this to yourself.”
“Says the person who didn’t sleep for five fucking years.” Darlene quickly finishes the rest of the drink and chucks the can into the garbage.
“You’re right - I didn’t sleep for five years, and that seriously fucked me up.” Dom points out. “I don’t want that happening to you.”
“Too late. It’s happening and you can’t do anything about it.” Her hands haven’t stopped shaking since she stopped sleeping.
“What happened?” Dom watches her anxiously dart from one end of their apartment to another. “Was your last dream diff-”
“I said fucking stop with the questions, Jesus fucking Christ.” Darlene stops pacing and frustratingly runs a hand through her hair.
“You can’t expect me to stop when something’s clearly bothering you.” The redhead’s eyes are forlorn. “You haven’t been right since you found-”
“Stop.” Darlene is yelling now. She can feel the little black box staring at her from its spot on their dresser. She hasn’t touched it since she left it there. “Seriously, Dom. Fucking stop this right now.”
“Okay, I’ll stop.” Dom waits a beat before sighing in defeat. “I’m sorry.”
Darlene finally raises her head to look at her, and her chest collapses inwards when she notices the hurt strewn all over her girlfriend’s face.
“Fuck.” She shakes her head and takes a few steps closer towards her. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have bitten your head off like that.” She raises her hands to place them on Dom’s cheeks. “I know you’re just trying to help. I appreciate it, really. I’m terrible at showing it, but I really do.”
Dom doesn’t look convinced, but she sighs again before turning her head to kiss the heel of Darlene’s palm. “I’m really worried about you.”
“I know.” Darlene mumbles as Dom leans in to kiss her on the forehead. “I’m worried about me too.”
“So talk to me.” Dom wraps both arms around her waist and pulls her in. “Let’s figure this out together.”
“I don’t really know where to start.” She shrugs. “It just feels like there’s a pileup of shit in my head and none of it makes any sense.”
“We don’t have to figure everything out right away. Let’s just take it one step at a time.” Dom presses her cheek against her hair. “It started when you found Cisco’s ring, right? That’s when things changed.”
The mention of the ring causes her to tense up, and she knows Dom can feel it because her arms instantly tighten around her. “I don’t think I can talk about it yet.” She sighs. “I know you want me to, and I know I should…but I can’t. I don’t know what I’m feeling and I don’t know how to describe it. I don’t know if I ever will.”
“Then…” Dom pauses for a second. “What can I do to help you figure it out?”
“I don’t know.” Darlene shrugs again. “Just…be here, I guess.”
“Okay.” Dom’s tone is uncertain, and she hates it. She knows that’s not the best answer, but what else can she say?
So she lets her hold her for now, because that’s all Dom can really do. She leans into her embrace and buries her face into her shoulder, and she sighs when she feels Dom’s hand slowly rubbing circles on her back. It’s not much, but it’ll do for now. It’s enough.
But how long can she last on just enough? She knows she can’t keep scraping by like this. She has to do better - not just for herself, but Dom too. Dom deserves better than this.
She’ll figure this out soon. At least that’s what she’s telling herself.