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Craig Tucker
“I hate this fucking song,” Craig grumbled, pulling the flaps of his hat tight against his ears, as he walked down the hall.
“Oh come on ,” Kenny joked, laughing as he elbowed Craig lightly in the ribs. “It’s not that bad! It’s Justin Bieber, after all.”
“That’s the problem,” Craig replied, glaring at the speakers mounted at random intervals above the lockers and classroom doors for failing him so horribly on an otherwise perfectly fine Friday morning. “Only Justin Bieber would have a song so predictably half-assed and tragically obvious in its target audience-”
“Okay woah Mr. Music Critic,” Kenny said, laughing. “Where is this intense hatred coming from?”
“It’s not intense hatred!” Craig cried, waving a hand dismissively. “It’s perfectly reasonable to be annoyed by a song that relies on the word Yummy, on purpose. Especially when it’s clear the song was only produced in an effort to go viral with how intentionally catchy it is.”
“Whatever you say, dude,” Kenny replied with a laugh as Butters’ appeared from around the corner.
“Yeah you got that yummy yum, that yummy yum,” the blonde sang, as if to prove Craig’s point.
“And that’s my cue,” Kenny said, winking at Craig as he turned and wrapped an arm around Butters’ shoulders. “But seriously Craig,” the blonde called back over his shoulder as he continued to follow Butters’ stride, “lighten up, okay? It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow!”
“Oh heya Ken!” Craig heard Butters say as he was just going out of earshot.
“Hey Buttercup,” Kenny replied in a flirtatious tone, “want to sing more of that yum yum song for me later tonight when we-”
“Kenny McCormick, do not finish that sentence!” Butters cried in embarrassment, and Craig finally laughed, pausing his walk to stop by his locker.
As soon as he opened it, he sensed the presence of someone next to him, and turned to find Tweek Tweak standing off to the side, clearly deep in thought.
“Tweek?” Craig asked, feeling nervous like he always did as soon as Tweek came around. He tried to swallow it and focus on the fact that the blonde was shaking intensely, more so than usual. Focusing on making sure Tweek was okay always seemed to calm his own insecurities. “Are you okay? You look…you’re shaking. I can get you more coffee if you’re out-”
“No thanks!” Tweek cried, as the speaker above their head continued to play Justin Bieber. “I’ve got a fresh cup here!”
Fuck, Craig was officially at a loss then. What the hell could have Tweek looking so nervous?
Come on, keep it together Tucker. You need a science partner today, remember? Just take a deep breath, like you practiced, and ask if Tweek wants to sit next to you. Once you’re in class, you can ask him why he’s so jumpy.
“Well then do you- would you- um- class?” Craig asked, immediately wanting to smack himself in the forehead. But thankfully he managed to point with his thumb at their classroom which was just across the hall. “It’s, um, partner day.”
Horrible execution Tucker, fucking horrible.
“You want to partner with me?” Tweek squeaked, and it was so adorable Craig wanted to melt. “Sure!”
See? He said yes! Wait, oh my fucking god he said yes! Dude, say something, for crying out loud!
“Yes,” Craig replied confidently, only registering what he’d just said as Tweek’s expression changed to one of confusion. Instantly Craig squeezed his eyes shut and walked away before he could do any more damage.
He plopped down in a desk and waited for Tweek, or death, whichever came first.
“Would’ve been fine if it wasn’t for that stupid Justin Bieber song,” Craig grumbled under his breath, as Tweek finally walked in the room and sat down next to him.
“Do you…like Justin Bieber?” Tweek asked, still looking incredibly nervous, as they waited for class to start.
“Absolutely not ,” Craig snapped. “Lady Gaga would’ve gotten way more attention in 2009 and 2010 if it wasn’t for Justin Bieber.”
“Is his music really that bad?” Tweek asked curiously, and Craig could have sworn he almost saw a smile on Tweek’s face. Was it something Craig said? No way, he’d been nothing but a mess so far.
“I mean, I’m sure some of it is fine,” Craig said, rolling his eyes. “But for the most part, it’s just so cringey.”
“Then maybe you haven’t heard the right songs,” Tweek said, giggling as he ripped a sheet of paper out of his notebook. “I’m sure some of these will change your mind.”
Curious, Craig looked over at Tweek’s desk as the blonde wrote out his list, his adorable face squished in concentration.
“That one doesn’t count,” Craig murmured, and Tweek turned, just enough for Craig to realize their faces were now so close that Craig could smell the coffee and chocolate on Tweek’s breath, a scent he would’ve hated on anyone else.
But on Tweek he didn’t mind it at all.
“What doesn’t count?” Tweek asked, swallowing hard but staying right where he was.
“…Ss-Stay,” Craig finally responded, his brain still in the process of freaking out. “It’s technically not a Justin Bieber song-”
“Oh please, just kiss already,” Eric Cartman snapped, rolling his eyes as he walked down the aisle on the right side of Craig’s desk. Before Tweek or Craig could turn and say a word, Cartman put a hand on the back of Craig’s head and pushed him right into Tweek, causing the pair to bump foreheads. “There, I even gave you a push, freaks,” the brunette said with a laugh.
Craig was up in a flash, the only thought in his mind being that no one fucks with Tweek and gets away with it.
“Oh god, what? Are you gonna fight me?” Cartman demanded, just in time to take a fist to the face.
“Holy shit! You broke my nose, Fucker,” Cartman howled, blood dripping down the middle of his lips and onto his clothes.
“Craig Tucker!” the teacher cried, having just walked in behind him.
“No!” Tweek cried, jumping up, but was silenced immediately by the teacher.
“I know, I know,” Craig said with a frown, already grabbing his bag and heading for the door, ignoring Tweek so he didn’t have to worry about whatever look of disappointment was probably on the blonde’s face.
He sat through the short and borderline cruel meeting with the principal, not even bothering to plead his case to someone who’d already written him off as worthless.
I didn’t even get to ask Tweek to be my Valentine, Craig thought, crying once he was finally locked behind his own bedroom door, alone except for his mother’s angry shouting. It was a suspension, of course, because this wasn’t his first fight, and probably wouldn’t be his last. Usually he could ground himself, and push down the urge to throw a punch if Tweek was there, but all bets were off if someone even thought about harming the blonde.
“God fucking damnit,” Craig cried, sobbing into his pillow.
Kenny McCormick
“1-800-Cupid,” Kenny sang into the phone, as he picked up Butters’ call, “you’ve reached one sexy-ass angel.”
“Heya Ken!” Butters cried, laughing at Kenny’s Valentine’s bit, “are ya coming over later?”
“Is that even a question?” Kenny asked, smiling. “It’s Valentine’s Day Buttercup! And you’re my prisoner of love for the whole day, no exceptions.”
“That sounds great Ken!” Butters replied happily. “As long as there’s movies and chocolate involved.”
“Oh, so the prisoner has demands, does he?” Kenny joked, switching the call to FaceTime. “I don’t recall approving requests,” he continued, as Butters’ face came into view.
“Please Kenny!” the blonde begged, pouting just a bit, “I already picked out a few movies!”
Kenny rolled his eyes dramatically. “Oh I suppose- hey, did you give Tweek my number?” he interrupted himself, confused.
“Yeah! Yesterday, after science,” Butters said, casually. “Why?”
“He’s asking for Craig’s number,” Kenny replied, still confused. “Why would he want that?”
“Oh, it must be because of Eric,” Butters said softly, like he was remembering something he didn’t like.
“What did that fatass do?” Kenny demanded, growing increasingly concerned.
“He…pushed Craig into Tweek in class yesterday,” Butters replied. “Made them hit their heads together real loud. Sounded awful painful.”
“Shit,” Kenny growled. “Well, Tweek wants Craig’s number, so I guess I’ll pass it along. But damn that pisses me off.”
“Nothing we can do, I suppose,” Butters replied with a shrug. “Be-besides, at least Eric wasn’t getting cross at me again.”
“What are you talking about?” Kenny’s eyes snapped up from looking at the keyboard to meet Butters eyes in the shrunk upper corner window on his phone screen. “Has Cartman been bullying you?”
“Not just me,” Butters said, visibly uncomfortable. “But sometimes, yeah.”
“I’ll kill him,” Kenny growled, hitting send on his text, and redirecting his attention to Butters. But one look at the blonde and he sighed at the thought of ruining his perfect day with Butters just to beat Cartman’s ass. “But that can wait until after Valentine’s Day, I guess.”
Tweek Tweak
Tweek continued to panic even as he finally got a reply text from Kenny, thankfully with Craig’s contact info shared, no questions asked. It was one thing to ask Kenny for Craig’s number and calm his anxiety by reminding himself that it was entirely possible Kenny wouldn’t want to just hand that out, and therefore Tweek wouldn’t actually have to go through with this horrible, horrible plan.
But then the contact info came, and Tweek had no choice but to open a text to Craig. He quickly typed out a message that upon immediate reflection was not at all good enough to send and had to be deleted right away. This process repeated five more times before Tweek was finally satisfied enough to hit the send button.
The reply came immediately.
“Sure. Front door should be unlocked.”
“Wow. That was easier than I thought,” Tweek said, taking a deep breath and hopping down from his front porch to head over to the Tuckers’ house. He had forgotten to mention his name in the text, but hopefully Craig wouldn’t be too upset about it.
As soon as he pushed the front door open, he was immediately hit with the smell of cookies.
“Tricia Tucker!” A woman’s voice screamed out from somewhere deeper in the house. “How many times have I told you not to leave your breakfast on the table! I need space to put down these cookies!”
“I’ll clean up later!” A shrieking girl’s voice screamed back, and Tweek’s eyes widened, having never heard so much yelling over something as simple as cleaning off a table. He quickly located the staircase and raced up to the second floor, where he was met with an array of doors, only one of which was covered in photos of guinea pigs and space posters.
“What?!” Called out Craig’s voice after Tweek knocked twice on the door.
“Um, hi Craig,” Tweek announced his presence, pushing open the door.
“Holy shit! You’re not Clyde!” Craig cried, clearly surprised to see Tweek standing in the doorway.
“No, I’m…not,” Tweek confirmed slowly. “Are you expecting him or something? I can always go-”
“No!” Craig cried, reaching out with an arm even as he was still trapped by blankets and pillows on his bed. “I mean, uh, no,” he said, much more calmly, “you can close the door and come in, if you want.”
“Well that is why I walked all the way over here,” Tweek said with a nervous laugh, as he shut the door and walked over to Craig’s bed. The noirette had risen slightly, and Tweek could see how red his eyes were, like he’d been crying. “But, is this a bad time?” He gently pointed at his own eyes, looking at Craig with confusion. “You seem like you were upset maybe?”
“What? No,” Craig tried to play it off immediately. “I, uh,- was just doing…laundry.” He gestured at the blankets around him as if that would make it more believable.
“I’m so sorry about yesterday,” Tweek blurted, before he could stop himself. “I really wish Cartman hadn’t done that.”
Craig looked uncomfortable, eyes nervously glancing from Tweek to his bed before finally landing on the blanket in front of him. “To be fair I would have gotten in trouble no matter what. I couldn’t just let him get away with it. So, don’t worry about it, okay?”
“It just wasn’t fair!” Tweek protested, pulling his backpack off his shoulder and rummaging around inside. Finally he pulled out a sheet of paper and awkwardly handed it to Craig. “I didn’t get to share my list with you.”
“Fair or not, I’m still suspended and- did you just say list?” Craig finally registered what Tweek had said. He accepted the paper, and unfolded it to reveal a short list of Justin Bieber songs.
“JB Songs that are on my Craig Tucker playlist,” Craig read softly, before scanning the list.
Love Me
Somebody to Love - feat. Usher
Beauty and a Beat - feat Nicki Minaj
Anyone
Stay - feat Justin Bieber
“I don’t- I don’t know what to say,” Craig said, clutching the paper right in his hands, like someone had handed him something precious.
Tweek coughed awkwardly and said, “That’s not…all that’s on the playlist. But you said you don’t like Justin Bieber and I just wanted to share some love songs that he sings that make me think of you,” Tweek said, mostly speaking into his coffee thermos by the end of the sentence. His cheeks were bright red. “Just in case I could change your mind.”
“I know his music isn’t all bad,” Craig said softly, still staring at the paper. “I just hate that song they were playing yesterday, it’s cringey as fuck. But, really, I didn’t mean to bash on an artist you like.”
“I’m not offended,” Tweek said. “I actually thought maybe we could listen to music together today, if you don’t have any Valentine’s Day plans already?”
“I’m suspended,” Craig said flatly. “I’m not going anywhere for a while, according to my mom.”
“Can I keep you company?” Tweek asked.
“You’d want to keep me company?” Craig asked, clearly surprised. “But what about your own Valentine’s plans? Don’t you have someone-”
“No!” Tweek interrupted. “I don’t have any plans. That’s why I asked Kenny for your number.”
“You asked Kenny for my number?” Craig repeated. “But-”
“Here!” Tweek shrieked, throwing an airpod at Craig, who somehow managed to catch it. “I gave you the right earbud, because it’s my favorite.”
“Then don’t you want it?” Craig asked, dumbly trying to hand it back.
“Just put it in your ear!” Tweek cried, putting the left one in his ear and holding up his phone. “We’ll start with the first song on my playlist.”
“Oh-okay,” Craig said, putting the earbud in his ear. Selena Gomez’s Naturally began to play in their ears, and Tweek nervously took a seat beside him on the bed.
How you choose to express yourself
It’s all your own and I can tell
It comes naturally…it comes naturally.
Tweek glanced at Craig to see if he could tell how the noirette was reacting to the song. To his relief Craig looked happily surprised, maybe that meant the playlist was working.
You can do it Tweek, ask him to be your Valentine.
“Hey Craig-” Tweek tried, but the words died in his mouth as nerves overtook him the moment Craig’s head turned.
“Yeah, Tweek?” Craig asked, looking far too calm while Tweek was devolving into a mess.
“Um, do you like the song?” Tweek asked, internally trying not to cry. Why was it so hard to just say how he was feeling? Cartman sure simplified things, slamming their heads together. If it was as easy as all that, then why couldn’t Tweek just ask ?
“Of course,” Craig said, a hint of a smile on his face. “I didn’t know she made music.”
“You didn’t know…” Tweek was shocked. “But you’ve heard of Justin Bieber!”
“I didn’t say I lived under a rock,” Craig said, slightly offended and rolling his eyes dramatically. “I just didn’t know Selena Gomez did more than acting.”
Well at least this was something Tweek could talk about. “Yeah, of course! And this is just her old music, there’s so much more,” Tweek said, getting excited. “Not all Disney stars had to turn into a hot mess.”
“You sure know a lot about pop music,” Craig said thoughtfully. “Is that all you listen to?”
“God no!” Tweek cried. “I like lots of genres, I just thought- well happy pop music is really popular for Valentine’s Day. Unless you’re alone, then maybe Adele would be more appropriate,” Tweek said, laughing a bit.
The blonde was so caught up in looking for music, he didn’t see Craig’s expression until it was too late, and the longing look on Craig’s face was gone.
“Right,” Craig said, awkwardly, before leaning in a bit and asking, “So…can we listen to that song again? I really liked it.”
I really like you, Tweek thought, but instead he said, “Yeah, of course!”
“Cool,” Craig replied, as Tweek searched for the song.
As Tweek was pressing play, footsteps stopped just outside of Craig’s door. “Craig!” Mrs. Tucker called from the other side, “Why do I hear you talking in there? Did you invite Clyde over? I specifically said no guests!”
“Shit,” Craig said quietly, irritation in his eyes as he scanned the bed around him. “Here,” he said, grabbing a blanket, “lay down until my mom is gone, get behind me.”
But there wasn’t enough time. The door handle jiggled as Tweek threw the blanket over his head and after a frantic moment of panic, dove straight down into Craig, who let out an “oomph” from the impact just as Mrs. Tucker walked in.
It took a moment for her to speak, likely she’d searched initially for signs of another person in the room, but of course found no one. “Craig Tucker,” Tweek finally heard his mother say, her voice dripping with suspicion and anger. “What did I tell you about talking to Clyde on the phone?”
Oh no, my airpods , Tweek groaned internally, not daring to breathe. He tried to think about how fucked this was about to be for Craig, but if he was being honest it was kind of hard to focus. He’d never been this close to Craig before, with his face buried in Craig’s side and the rest of him curled up by Craig’s legs and his blankets and pillows, and all he could smell was Craig. It was every dream he’d ever had, except Tweek was too scared to ever ask for this to happen naturally.
“Sorry mom,” Craig finally said with a sigh, his arm shifting to take the earbud from his ear.
“Where’s the other one?” she demanded, a moment later. “I know how this shit works, you’ll just call Clyde and use the other earbud. Give me both, now .”
Fuck, fuck, fuck! Tweek’s brain went into loop, a full on panic setting in. If he had to get out of the blankets, Craig would get in so much trouble.
I just didn’t want him to spend Valentine’s Day alone, Tweek thought, miserably. Now I’m ruining everything.
“Uh, I kind of lost it,” Craig replied calmly. “That’s why I was only using one.”
There was a long silence, and then finally she said, “ Fine . But if I hear voices again, you’ll regret it,” she said, before turning and exiting the room.
“You- you can come out,” Craig said softly, as soon as she’d been gone a few minutes.
“That was close,” Tweek replied, coming out from under the blanket, though he didn’t move back away from Craig’s side. “I’m sorry I’m getting you into this much trouble.”
“It’s worth it,” Craig said, his face pink. “I’m just sorry you’re stuck here on Valentine’s Day with me.”
Stuck? Did Craig really think Tweek didn’t want to be here? “I chose to come over here,” Tweek reminded him softly, putting a hand over one of his shaking ones. “I came to listen to music with you.”
“But why ?” Craig asked sadly. “I’m nothing but trouble and problems.”
There it was, the question Tweek had been asking himself ever since he first realized how special Craig was to him. Why? Why was it Craig who Tweek couldn’t get off of his mind?
Well, it wasn’t because he thought Craig was trouble, or nothing but problems. It was more because Tweek didn’t think he deserved to be with someone as calm and confident as Craig, and yet he dared to hope that maybe he could be.
Why ? The word echoed throughout his mind.
“Well, because-” Tweek began, just as his phone rang. “Oh god damnit !” he cried, forgetting he was supposed to be quiet. He grabbed the device from his pocket, and switched it to Silent mode.
“Tweek-” Craig said, alarmed.
“No!” Tweek cried, frustrated. “I can’t believe I’ve been here all afternoon, and can’t seem to just fucking say what’s on my mind!” he cried. “And you!” Tweek turned on Craig. “How could you think I’d have anywhere better to be? As if I’d want to be anywhere else than right here with you!” Tweek cried, flailing his arms, almost whacking Craig in the face.
Any other day the thought of almost hurting Craig would’ve spiraled Tweek into a nearly inconsolable panic, but now he could hardly be bothered to care. Maybe Craig deserved a fucking smack to the face for thinking he wasn’t the one who could be out there with literally anyone else having a fucking amazing Valentine’s Day, and instead was entertaining Tweek Tweak of all people for god knows why! It was ridiculous!
“You mean you do want to be spending Valentine’s Day with me?” Craig looked stunned. “I just thought you felt bad about yesterday…you were the only one who said anything in my defense-”
“ No !” Tweek cried, still frustrated. “That was just incredibly unfair! But I just- I’ve been wanting to ask you for the past fucking week if you’ll be my Valentine, and now it’s Valentine’s Day and it’s too late.”
Craig looked stunned, but didn’t say anything. Tweek sighed. “I should just go. I’m sure your mom is about to bust your door down any minute anyway because of me. I’m sorry for fucking this up.”
“You want to be my Valentine?” Craig asked, like he couldn’t believe it.
“I do,” Tweek said, avoiding meeting Craig’s eyes, staring at the bed beneath them instead. “But the day is almost over and I guess I fucked up all my chances.”
Not wanting to embarrass himself anymore, Tweek hurried to get off the bed, but stopped as Craig wrapped his hand around Tweek’s wrist. “Don’t go,” Craig pleaded. “I’ve been such a dumbass, but maybe it’s not too late, if you stay.”
“What do you mean?” Tweek asked, turning his head to look back at Craig, just in time to be pulled back into Craig’s lap, the two of them colliding as song lyrics continued to pour from Tweek’s phone.
“Be my Valentine, Tweek,” Craig begged, wrapping his arms around the blonde, “please.”
“Your Valentine?” Tweek repeated, unable to believe it, his back fitted against Craig’s stomach. “You mean it?”
“Yeah,” Craig replied without hesitation. “I mean it.”
Tweek dared to tilt his head up, to look at Craig’s face. The noirette’s eyes were shining, and he was smiling down softly at Tweek, looking so adorable the blonde could hardly stand it.
“Craig…” Tweek said, sitting up and turning so he could face him. Hoping he wasn’t making a mistake, Tweek leaned in and kissed him, squeezing his eyes shut in case he’d fucked up and Craig didn’t actually want him. If Craig pushed him away he would just go, and never speak of this, or even look at Craig ever again.
To his complete relief, Craig didn’t push him away, but wrapped his arms around Tweek’s waist and gently pulled him closer. Tweek didn’t open his eyes, but he relaxed a bit, and actually registered that this was really happening . Not only did Craig want to be his Valentine, but they were actually kissing on Valentine’s Day, and it wasn’t a dream.
“Wow, um, you- do you really mean that?” Craig asked, blushing intensely when they finally pulled apart.
“Of course I do,” Tweek said, breathless. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”
“Craig Tucker! Do I hear voices again?!” Craig’s mother screamed from the other side of the door.
Tweek sighed, and shared a look with Craig, before diving under the blankets once again. Only this time, he knew when Craig’s mom was gone, they could go back to listening to music, and have real conversations now that things were finally changing in the way Tweek had always dreamed.
Maybe Eric Cartman had done them a favor after all. Tweek almost laughed, before remembering Craig’s mom was still in the room scolding her son suspiciously. No way was he giving Eric fucking Cartman the credit for his new relationship with Craig.
“Okay, the coast is clear,” Craig finally said, some time later.
At those words Tweek lifted the blanket and sat up, smiling when his eyes landed on Craig’s face. “Hey I was thinking,“ he said, still holding onto Craig’s hand. “Since your mom is paying so much attention to whether or not you’re talking, maybe we could watch a movie?”
“I have a better idea,” Craig said, pulling his own earbuds out of a drawer by his bed. He handed one to Tweek and said, “Is this alright? I… kind of want to hear the rest of your playlist.”
Tweek’s eyes widened, a smile growing on his face. “Even the Justin Bieber songs?” He asked, excitedly.
“Yeah,” Craig said. “Let’s play those first actually, but only after we listen to Naturally one more time. I really like that song.”
“I really like you,” Tweek said, finally having enough courage to speak his mind. He leaned up and kissed the noirette again. “Happy Valentine’s Day, Craig.”
Craig smiled and kissed him back before lying down against the pillows and settling in to listen to more of Tweek’s playlist with the blonde snuggled in close beside him. “I really like you too. Happy Valentine’s Day, Tweek.”
Kenny McCormick
The next day, at school, Kenny was heading for Butters’ locker, when he caught sight of Tweek. The blonde was glaring at Eric Cartman, with burning hatred in his eyes.
“It’s not worth it,” Kenny said, walking over to Tweek. “I promise.”
Tweek glanced at Kenny, and scowled. “It’s just not fair! Craig shouldn’t have to suffer because Cartman wanted to be a dick. And the asshole always gets away with it!”
“I get that,” Kenny said, giving Tweek a sympathetic smile. “But like I said, it just ain’t worth it.”
“No,” Tweek admitted. He had a dark smirk on his face though as he turned to walk away towards his next classroom, “But it sure would feel good.”
Kenny laughed in understanding and waved goodbye to Tweek before heading over to Butters’ locker, where the blonde was pulling out a Chemistry book.
“Hey Buttercup,” Kenny said, smiling and poking Butters lightly in the arm. “How’re you today?”
“Happier now that you’re here,” Butters replied, closing his locker door. “Sorry again about cutting Valentines short. I hate that I got grounded in the middle of our date.”
Kenny smiled. “That’s alright Leo, we’ll finish the date another time. I’ve got lots more movies we can watch after all.”
Butters smiled, “Aw that sounds great Ken, thanks!”
“Anything for you Buttercup,” Kenny said, taking Butters’ hand and walking with him to their next class. “As long as we’re together.”