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his therapist had told him to write down seven things he liked about himself in the third person. min yoongi was… definitely not doing that. not exactly. not when he was being tortured by a fucking headache for the third time that week.
the way he barks back at dogs.
how he never lies to agree with someone out of kindness, he just agrees to disagree.
instead, he was writing down things that he hated about park jimin.
he acts like he can't do things that he clearly can, just to make me help him.
present tense. wrong.
he acts like he can't do things that he clearly can, just to make me help him.
he acted like he couldn't do things that he clearly could, just to make me help him.
right. sometimes, yoongi would still forget that they weren't a couple anymore. it's just a habit. his therapist, on other hand, would say that this was his subconscious being present, that he subconsciously still wanted to be with his ex.
bullshit.
yoongi hated all of this freudian talk. his therapist would say that this was only a defense mechanism because he knew, deep down, that at least this time, the psychoanalysis was right.
again, total bullshit.
he looked at his small notebook again. two pages full of stuff he hated about jimin. yoongi didn't remember when he stopped counting, but clearly it was way more than seven things. and he would show this to mr. choi next week. he grabbed the pen again.
how he used to smile right after replying to something mean i said with an even meaner joke.
"i mean, okay, we were a good match. he would remind me that people had feelings and i could hurt them by poking my own feelings."
his therapist lifted his head from yoongi's notebook, "do you need to be reminded of that, yoongi?"
"i- yes, sometimes. i can lose track of my words when i'm having fun. and provoking people is fun, everyone says my tongue is sharp, you know? so, sometimes… sometimes he would stop me from crossing some lines by provoking me . it was part of our routine."
"i see. then, it wasn't fun anymore?"
"actually, it was. i didn’t mean routine as something negative, it’s actually something that i feel is lacking in my life, to rely upon a structure. i liked to be provoked too, jimin was one of the few people who could do that without making me upset." yoongi couldn't help but chuckle.
it was 3am, three weeks later, and min yoongi was listening to the playlist jimin had made for him. it wasn't his fault that his ex had such a good taste (after all, he did choose him as his partner. in the past.), especially in music. yoongi remembered how he would stay awake all night in his studio to finish a track, and how sometimes jimin would wake up and stay with him, giving hints and comments trying to help yoongi finish the job sooner, so they would go to bed and- well, not rest.
it wasn't his fault that he missed jimin's comments on his new mixtape. it wasn't a sign that he wanted it all back.
the playlist was still there, jimin hadn't deleted it. not yet. and yoongi said to himself that that wasn't a sign either.
unfortunately, what was a sign, or at least felt like one, was the fact that yoongi immediately thought about jimin when he was at the park near their old apartment. yoongi heard dogs barking there. two days before, he had finally admitted to his therapist (and mostly to himself) that he wanted to apologize to jimin. for everything. because he had grown as a person, for himself only, and he realized he should stay with the things he wanted, even if that meant having attachments. and he wanted jimin.
and just like that, the subject showed up. the barking, he wondered hours later, was probably a sign from the gods (or just his weird brain) telling him to run, to come back to his old fears and avoid everything, to get out of that park immediately, but he didn't listen, not anymore. yoongi was distracted by park jimin, walking with his dog (or, yoongi's ex pet).
"yoongi?!" he heard jimin gasp, 5 meters away from him, "what the fuck?"
holy started barking again. jimin had changed his hair– it was pink the last time they saw each other, during that last fight– but now, it was black. yoongi wondered if it had anything to do with him. probably not.
right. present time. jimin was almost turning his back to him when he realized that moment was happening, truly happening, and he should have said something, "wait! jimin!".
the boy turned back, staring at yoongi with pure anger.
"how are- how's holy?" wrong speech.
"holy?! he's doing just fine after you ran away. what are you even doing here? weren't you supposed to be discovering your passions far away from here? far away from me ?" ouch. he did say that. wrong speech again, old min yoongi.
"sorry, i- i came back," to be honest with yourself, you should be honest with other people first, he heard his therapist say in his head, "actually, i couldn't leave."
seeming to have cooled down his anger, jimin sighed, "well, you seemed pretty determined to leave the last time we talked."
"and i'm sorry i did. i was afraid of you. hm- actually, afraid of me and what we had and what i would do in the future." the words kept coming in a fuss from yoongi's mouth. it was weird, he never talked to anyone about the things he learned in therapy. "i discovered i have this fear of attachment, so, yeah."
"you're telling me like i didn't know that."
"you did?!"
"of course, and i told you that, but you didn't listen and-"
"i'm sorry. i'm listening to you, now. i just needed to discover it by myself. i didn't lie about that back then, i needed to clear and solve some things. actually, i have a therapist now. yeah."
jimin seemed surprised, almost smiling. it was a coincidence (not a sign) that they both didn't have their masks on today. the weather was so warm that yoongi left it in his car. he wanted to breathe in the air and feel the sun in his skin, which was something rare. he felt thankful– because of that, he could see jimin starting to smile more as he kept talking, and he was sure that jimin felt the same way, looking at yoongi and seeing that new, bare honesty.
they were interrupted by holy, who started barking when the sun came down, probably anxious to come back home.
"hey hey, calm down, we're going home," jimin said to the pet, barking softly back at them so no one near would hear it. yoongi chuckled. how he had made himself believe that he hated this in the past? yoongi didn't have the chance to really look at the pet yet, but his chest ached when he noticed that holy was sitting right next to his feet, as if no time had passed since the last time they saw each other.
"can i come with you?"
jimin's face became hesitant, like he had just remembered their situation.
"i am trying to sell the apartment. we're moving."
"what, why?"
"why do you think, yoongi?"
honesty. he knew jimin wasn't talking about what he was going to say, but he said it anyway. he was done with the mind games. better than to keep it in your heart, yoongi. to omit can be something heavy, stone cold.
"i think you should stay. with me. i'm staying, and we should stay together," park jimin kept silent, and yoongi cringed at his own awkward words, "i'm sorry i said stay so many times, this is all new to me and-"
he got cut off by jimin's lips, a hurried kiss to make yoongi shut up. it was still the same, jimin's lips were the same and also its taste, just like the way they matched with yoongi's. that remembered him all the times he would do this to jimin, and that remembrance filled him up with heat and certainty. he would make jimin his again.
"i think we should go home-" jimin breathed into yoongi's mouth, his face becoming a bit more red, "hm- to my apartment. and talk."
"weren't you selling it?!"
"i lied, to see your reaction. lucky you, i liked it." yoongi laughed, weeks ago, this situation would definitely go on the list he had made about the things he hated about his ex. now? he just wanted to kiss that stupid face again, "come on, we definitely should talk."
"good talk," min yoongi said, yawning right after. he shifted in park jimin's sheets, looking for his hand until he grabbed it and kissed, his mouth still tasting like jimin.
the other man laughed, "i didn't know you were missing me that much," yoongi giggled, feeling comfortable for the first time in months while he waited for jimin to lay down on his chest.
"we actually should've talked before ending up doing... this ," jimin continued with a sigh, after cuddling up in yoongi's warm body, "you see, you weren't the only one who made mistakes. i'm sorry, too."
"you know who didn't do anything wrong in his whole life? holy. i actually came back for him-" yoongi was cut off by a punch in his arm.
"i hate you."
but yoongi saw jimin trying to hide his smile on his chest, "what? saying 'i love yo' is too cringy?"
"cringe culture is dead, min yoongi."
"i think i resurrected it after saying all that stuff to you in the park," jimin laughed.
"oh, you were so awkward," he sighed, "but it was cute. that was the only thing keeping me from punching you in the face. so- this all means holy is your dog again?" he said, in a hurry. yoongi giggled.
he couldn't believe it, but park jimin, the most direct person he ever knew, was too embarrassed to ask if they were together again. yoongi also felt a little guilty. if it was up to him, he would never make jimin feel like having doubts about their relationship.
"jimin." the man felt the seriousness in yoongi's voice and sat up, looking at his eyes. yoongi smiled at him, holding jimin's hand again, "yes, i want holy, dummy, and every pet you want to adopt from now. i'm not going anywhere. i want you again, and all of your life to be part of mine. i want it all."
jimin let out a shaky breath, looking at yoongi with water on his eyes, "you- you're being cringy again." the older man laughed.
"come here," he pulled his boyfriend for a kiss, shifting in the bed until he was on top of jimin, "wanna talk again?"
"yes, please."
yoongi felt like he had driven two thousand light years until he finally reached his home, once again, to never leave anymore.