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Sex Education 101

Summary:

A/N: No no no it's not what you think.

Just Itadori Yuji being a curious teenage boy and Fushiguro Megumi and Kugisaki Nobara having no choice but to deal with Yuji's shit.

Notes:

I was bound to take a nap at 4 AM last February 11 but I couldn't stop thinking and laughing about this idea. I couldn't even stop laughing while writing this whole thing. It's full-on crack, as per usual 🤣

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

“Do you guys wonder what sex is like?”

“Itadori, what the fuck?”

Yuji looked at Megumi, who just said the last line, and Nobara, who was giving him a weird look.

“No, I was just wondering. I mean, how do people do it?”

The two continued to give him weird looks. They were sitting on the marble garden set under an acacia tree on the school grounds. They were quiet for a while, the birds and the wind becoming their background noise.

“I don’t know if I should ask something, but I feel like I should,” Nobara said, her face still scrunched in confusion and disgust. “Yuji, what the fuck?”

“I don’t even know if I want to hear what’s next,” Megumi quipped.

“No, no, no.” Yuji waved his hands. “I mean, what happens if people have sex?”

“They get pregnant and die,” Megumi quoted Coach Carr.

Nobara raised a brow at Megumi. “Did you just quote Mean Girls?” Megumi just looked at her then went back to Yuji.

“No, they don’t. If that happened then there would be no babies,” Yuji replied.

“Then you know what happens if people have sex,” Megumi told him. “Did you sleep during our biology classes?”

“Yeah, yeah I know but what happens during?” Megumi covered his face with his hands and groaned when Yuji continued. Nobara slammed her forehead down on her forearms that were resting on the table. “What does it look like? How does it feel? I bet it’s painful.”

“Yuji, you need to find a new hobby, for crying out loud,” came Nobara’s muffled reply.

“Don’t you already know what happens?” Yuji gave Megumi a questioning look when he asked. “Like, you know what they do?”

“No, I don’t.” Yuji shook his head.

“Huh. That’s a surprise. I thought you watch porn,” Megumi said with a straight face.

“I don’t watch porn.”

Nobara raised her head. “You look like a guy who does.” Megumi laughed and Yuji said “huh?!” out loud. “Come on! You have posters of girls wearing nothing but bikinis taped on your walls! You gawked at Jennifer Lawrence at that one scene in Red Sparrow! I bet you even have hentai manga tabs opened on your phone.”

“No, I don’t!” Yuji raised his voice. “And I don’t go into the hentai category!” He hissed at her.

Megumi sighed. “Can we leave this to the married people? Why are we even talking about this?”

“Even non-married people do it,” Nobara added. Megumi turned to her and grimaced, his face saying ‘you too?’ “What? I watch movies and series, ya know.”

“Do they show it there?” Yuji asked her.

Nobara’s cheeks went red. “No! They only imply the act. And those movies are PG, ya know. I don’t watch R-rated movies.” Her voice lowered when she said the last sentence. “Seriously, you could’ve watched porn and kept your mouth shut about it.”

Megumi huffed a sigh again. “Okay, to finish this discussion. Where do you want to get answers?” He asked Yuji. “The internet or the library?”

Nobara closed her eyes and slouched over the table. “Please do not use the internet. I am not ready to see what the internet has to offer.”

“So, library?” Megumi asked again.

“Can we get answers from the library?” Yuji said.

Megumi blinked at him in disbelief. “Yuji…”

“No! I mean -”

“Dude, there are medical books in the library. We even had biology classes. You should’ve gotten your answers from it.” Megumi stated.

“Or do you want to talk to Shoko-san?” Nobara suggested.

Yuji’s hand went to his chest. “Oh god no.”

Nobara and Megumi waited for Yuji’s answer. He dropped his shoulders. “Fine. Library it is.”

They all packed up their stuff and headed to the library. Yuji and Nobara followed Megumi as they led them to a maze of shelves. Megumi stopped by a shelf and ran his long fingers along the spines of the books. Then his finger stopped on one and pulled it out of the shelf. Quietly, he nodded at them and they settled to the nearest table. Yuji and Nobara each pulled a chair and settled on Megumi’s sides.

Megumi set the book on a wooden book stand and flipped the pages to the table of contents. He traced the bullets with his finger until he stopped on a line. He flipped the pages until he arrived in the reproductive system section. He placed the book back on the stand and pushed it to Yuji.

“Knock yourself out, Itadori.”

Yuji pulled the book closer to himself and scanned the pages before him. He turned the page and it showed him the anatomy of the female and male reproductive systems. “Uh, yeah. We had this in biology.”

Nobara perched her elbow on the table. “I am not sure what you’re trying to find out, Yuji.”

Yuji studied the female reproductive system. “I always wonder how a baby could fit in there. It must hurt.”

“Periods could already kill me, what more giving birth,” Nobara pointed out.

“Now where does the penis go again?” Yuji muttered.

“Definitely not in the ass,” Megumi hinted. Nobara and Yuji cringed at the idea.

“You know, some people do that,” Yuji told him.

“Itadori, no!” Nobara hissed and the librarian, who was sitting at the entrance feet away from them, hit the desk bell. “How the hell do you even know that?”

Megumi shut his eyes tight and pinched the bridge of his nose. “No, I don’t want that cursed image in my head. And besides, why do you know that?” He opened his eyes and turned to Yuji.

“Uh, I read it somewhere.” Yuji continued to study the pages. “Dude, the vagina looks so narrow, how would the baby get out of it?”

“You clearly didn’t listen to sensei, did you?”

“Ugh, Itadori, can you stop talking about my reproductive system?” Nobara growled.

“I am not?” Yuji retorted.

She rolled her eyes. “I am a female, naturally I have that!” She pointed at the page. The librarian hit the desk bell again and the three of them winced. “What would you feel if I start talking about that?” She pointed at the male reproductive system.

“I don’t even know. Depends on what you’ll say, I guess.”

Nobara’s back hit the chair and she slouched, leaving Yuji with his study. The pink-haired boy continued reading the page while Megumi was quietly scanning the page with his eyes. Yuji then turned the page and he and Megumi let out an “oh” in varying degrees. Nobara glanced at them and saw what they were looking at.

“What in the everliving fuck…” She muttered.

The next page was a cross-section of the reproductive system in sexual intercourse. The penis was fully inserted in the vagina, the tip hitting the entrance of the cervix. Their eyes widened at the page. In the image, only half of the penis entered the woman.

“So, does that answer your question, Itadori?” Megumi asked him.

Yuji gulped. “I have more questions.”

“Oh god,” Megumi and Nobara sighed simultaneously.

“Okay, hypothetically -”

“Wow. ‘Hypothetically.’ Big word,” Nobara tattled.

“- can this -” he pointed at the penis - “go any further up? And how would that feel for them?”

Megumi shook his head in surrender. “I don’t have answers for you, Yuji.”

“I mean, you know that thing comes in different sizes, right?” Yuji continued and his two companions proceeded to slap their faces. “I’ve measured mine one time.”

“I certainly did not need that information.” Cold sweat was starting to form on Nobara’s forehead. Megumi’s forehead hit the table and he whined.

“Now, how would that feel? I bet that hurts. Nobara, you think that would hurt?” Yuji looked at Nobara.

Nobara felt like her soul left her earthly body. “Why would you ask me that?” Her voice came out as a squeak.

“Because you have these?” He turned the page back and pointed at the female system.

“How the hell would I know?!” She whisper-yelled. “I’m fucking sixteen!”

Yuji turned the page. Megumi peeked and groaned. “Oh, you’re not yet done. Someone save me.”

“I bet that hurts,” Yuji muttered. He unconsciously turned to Nobara again.

“Stop looking at me, Itadori!” She pushed his face away.

Megumi got back up and slouched on his chair. “Are you done?”

“What are you three up to?”

Yuji, Megumi, and Nobara shot from their seats when they heard Gojo’s voice behind them. Megumi grabbed the book and closed it shut. The bookstand slid off the table but Yuji caught it before it crashed to the tiled floor.

“Uh, nothing! Just…studying.” Nobara gave their homeroom teacher a lopsided grin.

Before Gojo disturbed their peace, he was already standing behind them undetected for almost a minute. Even with his blindfold on, he had already seen what Yuji was looking at and he was muffling his laughter like a teenager. He also heard part of their conversation.

He took a step closer to them and he read the book. “You guys were reading the medical book? Why?” Gojo already knew why but he just wanted to ask for the heck of it. “Assignments?” He suggested so the three would stop turning tomatoes.

“Yeah, yeah!” Yuji replied and the librarian hit the desk bell again. They all wince. Gojo pouted his lips and tapped a finger on his lips. “Yeah,” Yuji repeated in a hushed tone. “We were just looking for answers.”

“Alright!” Gojo put his two thumbs up. “Then I shall leave you with your…search for answers.” He smirked and walked away.

The three of them looked at each other. “Did…did you notice him anywhere near before he spoke?” Megumi asked when he was sure their teacher was out of earshot. The two shook their heads. “Why does he sound like he had an idea of what we were talking about?”

Nobara slapped her forehead, already getting secondhand embarrassment. “Oh please tell me he hasn’t heard a single thing.”

Yuji looked around, checking if there were other people aside from them. “I don’t think he did.”

“Okaka.”

The three of them jumped when they heard Toge’s voice somewhere behind them. Megumi wrapped his arms around it as if trying to hide it from anyone. Yuji kicked the floor and his chair slid from the table. Nobara stood and faced the source of the voice. The librarian slammed his hand on the desk bell again.

“Inumaki!” Nobara hissed. “Show yourself!”

Toge emerged from the shelves behind them. “Konbu?”

“How long have you been standing there?!” She whisper-yelled, startling him.

“Uh.” He scratched the back of his ear. “Takana.”

Megumi stood up and lightly slapped the book on Yuji’s shoulder. “C’mon, I don’t think Inumaki-senpai heard us.”

“Okaka. Shake.”

Megumi turned on his heel and faced Toge. “You heard us?”

Toge chuckled. “Shake.”

Megumi grimaced and slammed the book to his forehead. “For fuck’s sake.” He walked towards the shelves and stopped next to Toge. The white-haired boy already had a sly smile on his face. “Please forget what you’ve seen and heard.”

“Sujiko,” he challenged mischievously.

Megumi glared at him and Toge just chuckled underneath his high collar. “Please get lost.” He walked past Toge and returned the book back to its shelf.

Toge faced Yuji. “Takana?” He asked him.

Yuji tilted his head to the side, not knowing what Toge’s question meant. Nobara threw her head back and followed Megumi. “Go ask Toge, Yuji. He might know something. He looks like he knows something.” She tapped Toge’s shoulder and left.

“Ikura?” He pointed at Yuji, who just dumbly stood in front of him. “Sujiko. Tsunamayo?” Toge raised his hands and made a ring form with his left and his right index finger pointed at the ring.

Yuji realized what Toge was gesturing and his eyes widened. “Uhm, so you’ve heard?”

“Shake.”

Yuji pulled his hood over his head and he fell on his knees. “Oh god no.”

Toge chuckled. “Tsuna, tsuna.” He ruffled Yuji’s pink hair.

Notes:

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