Chapter Text
It was early. Early enough that it wasn’t dark anymore, but the gray hue peeping through the windows couldn’t yet be considered sunlight. At least that was the astute observation Matt’s brain was capable of making in its drowsy haze. Without giving it any more thought, he closed his eyes once again and felt himself start to fall back asleep. Just as he began to drift off, a rustling noise caught his attention. He remained perfectly still while he listened to the sound of soft footsteps approaching his bed.
Mello. The groggy thought was affirmed as he felt the covers shift around him, bringing with them the familiar scent of old books and floral shampoo. He must have just come back from the library, he thought blearily as the blonde settled beneath the heavy blankets. He kept his eyes closed and willed his wild heartbeat to still as he felt his friend’s arm slip around his midsection, gently pulling him until his back met the blonde’s front. He silently prided himself in suppressing a shudder once he felt Mello’s nose brush against the sensitive skin at the base of his neck. But his victory was short-lived the moment warm breath tickled the space behind his ear, causing him to shiver involuntarily. He twitched again as he felt the blonde’s signature smirk form against his neck and let out a defeated huff.
“I knew you weren’t sleeping.”
Matt chose to ignore the teasing tone and nestled further into his pillow, trying to hide his flushed face. It annoyed him that Mello’s actions still had such a crippling effect on him, regardless of how long it had been since their relationship had evolved. Well, he supposed it hadn’t really been that long, in the grand scheme of things.
Though it felt like a lifetime, in reality, it had only been seven months- not even a full year. That seemed like such a small number compared to the magnitude of moments they had shared as…more than friends. That’s the extent to which Matt was willing to call it in his head; using other terms to define their relationship seemed awkward to him. He didn’t like labels in general and felt that they took away from the meaning of things. Besides, the feelings he felt towards Mello and the memories they cherished together were simply too special to be shoved into one box and labeled as such. Perhaps he was overthinking it, he knew what he meant anyway. He also knew Mello felt the same way, though they hadn’t outwardly talked about the most recent developments of their relationship in such specific terms.
They were friends until they were something more, simple as that. He supposed it had all started one day, last December when they had been running around outside in the freshly fallen snow. Mello had slipped and landed on his back, and Matt had rushed to his side. Only instead of helping him up as he intended to, he had stood there like an idiot. He’d taken one look at Mello- with his golden hair fanned out on the frozen ground like a halo, and his bright, piercing eyes glittering in the fading sunlight- and had been paralyzed by the fondness in which he’d felt.
Wow, he had thought. Then a second later, Beautiful. Matt recalls this moment as lasting for an eternity. But in reality, it must have only been a few seconds, because in the next moment, Mello’s rosy cheeks had stretched wide into a rare, genuine smile, and Matt had felt an overwhelming sense of clarity, eloquently expressed by a simple oh. And from then on, he understood that his feelings for Mello were no longer strictly platonic.
He’d kept those feeling hidden out of fear of losing the friendship, but it had only lasted a few months. It happened on one seemingly dull March afternoon, about a month after his 14th birthday. They were in the library, huddled together on the floor as they had done a million times before- Mello with his head buried in a thick book and Matt doodling miniature Pokémon in the margins of his notes. Then, out of nowhere, Mello had shut his book with a definitive thud and turned to face Matt before planting a kiss on his unsuspecting lips.
Matt’s brain had subsequently short-circuited, and his suave reaction was to splutter and flush for a few agonizing moments as his entire body when into a full system reboot. Eventually, his mind got with the program, and he didn’t waste a second longer in returning the kiss. It had been awkward, as it was both of their firsts, but eventually, they had gotten the hang of it and shared a few sweet kisses before Mello broke away for air, smiling knowingly. Matt had smiled back, understanding that the feelings he had been silently agonizing over were now shared between the two of them. It had been a relief knowing that this bond of theirs was just as natural as the one they had shared as friends. And from that moment on, they spent each passing day closer than they had ever been before.
Mello shifted behind him, snapping him back to the present. It wasn’t uncommon for Mello to crawl into his bed, but he was typically careful about it. Usually, around this time he would have been getting out of Matt’s bed and into his own as to prevent the chances of someone walking in on them. They both understood that they had to be careful about hiding their relationship because there was no doubt that they would be separated, which was the last thing they wanted.
“What’s up?” Matt murmured the question quietly into his pillowcase before slipping his hand down to settle against Mello’s. Mello returned the gesture by flipping his palm so that he could interlace their fingers together. He didn’t speak for a while, and before Matt could ask again, he let out a long sigh and burrowed his face into Matt’s worn t-shirt. He waited patiently, wondering briefly if Mello had fallen asleep.
"B is dead."
Matt’s heart lurched, his entire body tensing up as he processed those words. Surely he had heard wrong…
"What?"
"B died last night. L told me."
Matt wondered if he was still dreaming- or maybe Mello was delirious after staying up all night to study. Absolutely none of what he was saying made any sense. He tried to turn to face him, but his actions were cut off by the blonde, who tightened his grip along his midsection and squeezed his hand, pinning it to his own chest.
“Mel, what are you talking about? B is in prison and L is…not here.”
He knew for a fact B had been in prison for a little over a year; L hadn’t been to visit in nearly three. He wondered why Mello would make up something so ridiculous. It wasn’t like him to joke about either of them, especially B.
“Last night…” He paused to clear his throat and Matt detected a hint of weariness in his tone. “Last night, when I was working in the library, Roger came to find me. He told me that L called and was requesting to speak with me… At first, I thought he had finally reached a decision about the successorship, but…” he trailed off for a moment and Matt could feel his breathing becoming shallower. “I was wrong, he called to tell me that B died in prison. Heart attack. He suspects it was Kira.” He spat the last word out vehemently, shattering the quiet stillness within the room and filling it with a sudden heaviness.
Matt inhaled sharply once, a familiar queasy feeling settling firmly in his gut. A terrible image of Mello sobbing briefly flashed into his mind and he recognized it as being from the day they had learned about what B had done. That day had been over a year ago, but it would be forever cemented in Matt’s brain. He remembered the shared sense of betrayal everyone had felt, and the new notion of having to live with the gut-wrenching knowledge that someone you were close with had done something so terrible. But worst of all, he remember how hard it was on Mello. He remembered the denial, the sobbing and screaming. The naked sorrow and the blinding pain all reflected in a face he cared for so deeply.
It had been difficult comforting him. When Mello was upset, he liked to be alone, which Matt understood but it didn’t make it any easier to witness. The problem was that if you tried stepping an inch past his boundaries, Mello was sure to weaponize his rage and despair against you as means of retaliation. He’d say things he didn’t mean and scream until he was blue in the face. It was intense and terrifying, but Matt was willing to endure it if it helped Mello feel better. Because Matt knew that Mello secretly did want to be comforted, he just didn’t know how to accept things like pity or sympathy. He hated feeling weak.
It had been especially difficult comforting him after learning about the LA BB Murders. Regardless of what Mello’s reaction would have been, Matt would have still found it difficult to empathize with him. He’d kept his opinion secret because he didn’t want Mello to take it personally, but the fact of the matter was that Matt had never liked B. Well, there had been a time, Matt vaguely recalled, when they were all very young. A was alive and B had been different, he'd been happy and less dangerous.
B had always been…strange. Which, Matt supposed, wasn’t entirely fair because they were all pretty strange if you really thought about it. However, BB had been strange in a different way. What stood out to Matt the most was how much he had changed over the years. His erratic nature was unsettling, and he had always carried a certain darkness with him. If Matt tried his best to remember all the way back to when he first arrived at the House-at the ripe age of 6- he can slightly recall a time where B had been normal. He could be a bit obnoxious and in your face at times, but it had always been in good humor. Matt supposed it had been kind of like having an older brother- though he never had one of those, so he wasn’t really sure. What he remembered of those years was B’s seemingly endless energy; his teasing and poking and prying. But also, his thoughtfulness. That combined with his competitive nature was what really stood out to Matt. To put it simply, B had been one of them.
Then A had hung himself. B was never the same after that.
That’s when his strangeness really came to light and took a turn for the worst. Matt supposed he wouldn’t have taken it so personally if Mello hadn’t gotten mixed up with it all. But he had.
Unlike Matt, Mello had always been drawn to B. Maybe it was the brotherly nature he once had, or maybe it was because he was the closest to L, and therefore -in Mello’s mind- the closest to success. Matt couldn’t place when exactly it started, but there had a point in which Mello had been completely infatuated with B. Mello had idolized his dark and mysterious ways and B had noticed and used it to his advantage.
To the unobserved eye, it would have appeared to be a normal mentorship, but Matt knew that it had devolved into something a bit more sinister than that. Though B didn’t outwardly harm Mello, Matt knew the things that he taught him were somewhat damaging and deranged. Essentially, B brought out the worst in Mello.
Now, there was no denying that Mello had somewhat of a dark side all on his own. He was fearless and incapable of backing down from a challenge. He sought out danger and mischief and liked a good thrill. When he got mad, he got furious. He could be raw and unhinged, terrifying and relentless if pushed hard enough. Those were things that Matt actually admired about him, he was exciting and passionate, and unwilling to change. He was unapologetically Mello- which was funny given that his name labeled him otherwise. But, despite how much Matt enjoyed his friend’s chaotic side, he knew that those qualities were bound to get him into a lot of trouble. In hindsight that's probably exactly what caught B's attention. He admired Mello's defiance. He was passionate and devout; a rule breaker through and through. B saw it all as potential.
And thus began a strange and turbulent relationship. The fearless student who’d stop at nothing to get to the top, and the unhinged teacher who wanted to make his mark on the world. It was a recipe for disaster, and Matt had been its sole witness. Well, maybe he was making it out to be a bit more dramatic than it actually was. The truth of it all was that B had taught Mello things that he probably shouldn’t have learned until they were much older. Some of the things had been useful, like how to pick a lock or trick someone into telling you the truth. But from what Matt could tell from his position as a distant observer, there were definitely some things that B shared with Mello that changed how he viewed the world.
Ultimately, there became a point in time in which the lines between good and evil became very blurred for Mello. With what little Matt picked up on he could tell that Mello had started looking at things through a different lens. When given the opportunity, he’d choose the most drastic or aggressive approach. He was no longer willing to be patient, nor did he find merit in labored observation- which was the method they’d all been conditioned to think was the most efficient. Everything had to be quick and decisive and spectacular. In tandem with his need for success came the newfound want for chaos and infamy.
It hadn’t been like that before. Mello had always followed the path of greatness, but whatever it was that he gained from following B around all the time had manifested itself into this inescapable desire for destruction. Not to mention all the lengths he went through to impress B. Whatever B wanted, Mello would find a way to get it for him. He’d do anything for the slightest nod of approval, the tiniest crumb of validation, and B had known it. To be fair, Matt figured it could have been a lot worse, but B still got Mello into a lot of trouble. He’d been the little devil on his shoulder, his subconscious from hell.
He’d been caught on multiple occasions stealing things for B. What they were for Matt had no idea, but he did know that the consequences had been pretty severe. If he wasn’t stealing for him, he was tampering with records or defacing property. He also took to handling his disagreements with violence by lashing out with precise and harmful blows-which he undoubtedly also learned from B.
Mello did whatever B asked, which essentially boiled down to setting tiny fires here and there and making Roger’s life a living hell. To Matt, it looked as if B might have had some kind of reason for it all, perhaps a methodical approach to achieve something he thought was worth fighting for. But upon observing his subsequent descent into madness, and now learning of the downfall, Matt realized that there probably wasn’t a real purpose for any of it. Maybe he was bored or wanted attention, or possibly it was an act of revenge of sorts, for A. Maybe it was all three. Or maybe he was just batshit crazy.
Matt didn’t really give a shit about why B did what he did, but he’d always wondered if Mello had felt used by B. Especially now, as he listens to Mello’s muffled, shallow breathing in the wake of this new information. Matt lets the silence drag on for another moment before attempting to move again.
This time Mello doesn’t try to stop him, and he’s successful in turning to face the blonde. Mello doesn’t meet his eyes but lets Matt maneuver him until his upper half is securely tucked against his chest. He’s tense, wound tight enough that Matt can see the ridges of his spine rising through his thin t-shirt. Matt absentmindedly traces a finger down each boney line and feels Mello shudder against him before pressing his face flush against his neck. His eyelashes tickle the sensitive skin under his chin and his slender nose fits oddly well against the protrusion of Matt’s Adam’s apple. It's nice, being so close to him like this. Matt enjoys the rarity of it for a moment until he feels Mello’s bottom lip waver against his throat.
Matt feels bad for him, he really does. Despite what Matt thinks about B, it doesn’t change the fact that Mello had once idolized him. Maybe even had considered him family- a concept that was foreign to them, yet cherished nonetheless. Even though a lot of their relationship didn’t make much sense to Matt, some of it did.
B had been the backup; Mello was currently the runner-up. Matt didn’t like to think about it, especially in the face of B’s fate, but the parallels between the two of them were obvious. Perhaps that’s what had made B so captivating to Mello. Perhaps he had found a certain comfort in thinking that there was someone who understood what he was going through. The constant pressure, the crushing rejection, the taste of failure, the inexplicable and unhinged need to be number one. Matt couldn’t really blame him for empathizing with B if that were the case.
“Mells…I’m really sorry. B didn’t deserve to die. Not like that.”
“Didn’t he?” Mello shot the question back in the same defensive and bitter tone he’d use whenever anyone brought up B. He was always walking this thin line; never knowing if he was trying to defend him or condemn him.
“No. He may have been messed up, but he didn’t deserve to die.”
It was the same logic he’d used to comfort Mello when B had been sent to prison. He’s not all bad Mel…he’s just a little messed up… It had sounded just as lame back then as it did now. He felt some of the tension leave Mello’s body and took it as a sign to keep talking.
“No one deserves to die like that. You know better than anyone that what B did was terrible, but that doesn’t give Kira the right to murder him. That isn’t justice. Which is exactly why L is working so hard to catch him. Kira really fucked up, now L has a personal reason to take him down.”
At that Mello snorted and huffed out an indignant laugh.
“Fat chance. L doesn’t take anything personally. Especially B.”
“Why do you say that?”
“C’mon Matt, don’t be dense. L doesn’t give a damn about B. He never has.”
“How would you know? It’s not like he’d tell you either way.”
“He did tell me actually. Well, not explicitly, but it was pretty apparent based off the way he spoke of him.”
“What exactly did L say then? When you spoke to him last night.” As much as he tries to act indifferent, L has always secretly fascinated him. He really was curious about what his opinion of B was. Mello was silent for a few moments; Matt couldn’t tell if he was gathering his thoughts or choosing which bits to leave out.
“He said a lot actually. He told me all the details of the LA BB Murder Case.” If Mello’s body hadn’t been weighing him down, he would have shot up in disbelief.
“Are you serious? But why would he-“
“I don’t know. But he did. He told about three of his past cases actually. The other two have no relation to B, so I’m not sure why he chose to share them. But the third exploit was the LA BB Murder Case. He concluded it by telling me the most recent development, that being B’s death...” Matt waited for him to elaborate, but he got the sense that Mello would have gone into more detail if he wanted to.
“How long did you guys speak?”
“Only about two hours…you know L, efficient as always. I spent the rest of the night writing down everything I could remember. Just some notes, I think I’ll turn them into full accounts eventually, but for now…for now I think I’d like to keep them for myself.”
Matt supposed he should feel jealous or slighted in some way, but he was honestly pleased that out of the three of them, L had chosen Mello to be the one to receive this information. He was the most deserving in his opinion- as biased as it may be. He hoped it would act as some kind of comfort to Mello, maybe whatever L had shared with him would address some of the things he wanted to know about BB’s case. Matt knew there were a lot of things that Mello kept to himself. It was kind of hard to deal with given that they were so close, but Matt wasn’t the type to stick his nose into other people’s business. Besides, he knew well enough that if Mello wasn’t willing to share what was on his mind, there was no point in trying to get it out of him. He had a tendency to keep things bottled up until he reached his breaking point, Matt wished he’d just talk about it so he wouldn’t feel so alone.
“Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me. I can’t wait to see the look on Near’s face when he finds out that you had L’s undivided attention for two whole hours. Kid’s probably gonna shit his pants.”
He felt slightly bad for making fun of Near like that, but feeling Mello laugh against his neck and hearing his rare, sweet giggles made it totally worth it. After a beat, Mello shifted to lift his head and Matt felt his own heartrate pick up again upon seeing his pretty face. It really was nice being this close to him, Matt silently wished that he could forever stare at the way Mello’s nose scrunched when he laughed.
“Thanks, Matt”
“For what? I didn’t even do anything.”
“For being here I guess.”
“Of course, I go where you go.” Though he hadn’t intended them to, the words came out softly- which made him blush. It was the closest thing to “I love you” he’d ever said, and he meant it. Mello, intuitive as ever, raised an eyebrow and tilted his head to meet Matt’s gaze. After a beat, he simply exhaled then flashed him a smile brighter than the sunlight seeping in through the window. Matt smiled back at him and reached out to tuck a strand of his hair behind his ear, marveling at the way the blonde glistened like gold in the morning sun.
Mello kissed him once, then twice more before resting his head on its previous spot beneath Matt’s chin. Matt wrapped his arms around him a little tighter, willing his racing heartbeat to still yet again. He’d let Mello keep as many secrets as he pleased if it meant he could hold him like this. Matt exhaled once more as he settled further into the covers, content to watch over him as he slept. And when the sun began to fully rise, Matt raised his palm to settle against Mello’s cheek. As he shielded him from the bright rays of light poking through the window, he silently vowed to himself that he would endure anything to protect him.