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Saki wasn’t exactly sure when she started intently listening to Honami’s drumming. She knew that drumming was the pillar of all bands, a steady beat that kept everyone tethered to each other, aligning their specific parts. She knew that Ichika and Shiho also listened to her dumming, that they trusted her hand to guide them - that if they played with her they would be in sync, harmonies blending like layers of intermixed colors.
Still, this was definitely a little more than “intently”. Intently would imply she was doing it out of a want to succeed, to stay in sync. If anything, she could call this an obsession, almost.
She couldn’t stop thinking about the way the heavier beats contrasted with lighter ones, the way the sticks danced across the surface of the drum kit, and the way Honami controlled it all with a serene smile, yet fire in her eyes.
Thump. Thump.
Taken aback by the sudden tightening in her chest, she missed her cue to start her solo. So much for staying in sync.
Shiho stopped playing and soon everyone did too, “Saki, you were late. Let’s try it again from the chorus.”
“Saki, is everything okay? You’ve been spacing out this entire practice,” Honami added, her voice laced with concern as she looked straight at Saki.
Quickly trying to clear up that no, she was fine, she wasn’t having a heart attack or anything (which was more of a concern than it should be). That she was just daydreaming a little, Honami finally sighed, relieved, and got ready to play.
This time, Saki made sure to come in at the right time, her fingers playing the complicated melody with practiced ease. Once she finished on the last chord, she looked around the room for approval.
Shiho’s slightly upturned lips and Ichika’s sparkling eyes said that they were proud, that she did it just right, and suddenly all the hours she put into practice were worth it. She whipped her head around to get a good look at Honami, and she was looking back.
Right. Drums weren’t playing in this section.
The floor was so interesting right now.
Why was the room so warm? Weren’t they in the classroom sekai? She should tell Luka to turn it down.
“Saki, you missed your cue again.” Shiho’s voice rang out.
—
Saki had a problem. A human shaped, apple pie loving, drum playing problem.
Perhaps she was being dramatic - Honami didn't really do anything, so maybe the one with the problem was Saki, really.
Love was weird. She already understood that when Tsukasa went out of his way to get her Hinamatsuri dolls even in the muddy rain, or when her parents constantly worked just to pay off her bills. Love was the reason people tried so hard for others, overcoming people being self-centered and selfish, all for someone you love.
But her understanding of love was simply wanting to go the extra mile for someone you love, because you want to see them happy and you want to see them succeed.
What she was feeling must be different, then?
Saki took a moment to glance over at Honami. Nope, she was definitely feeling some type of love.
Honami smiled at Saki back, before taking a drink of her water. She noticed how Honami's arms were tense - probably from playing for so long.
Whenever she looked at Honami, she could feel like the sun was beaming straight into her face, that seeing Honami content and happy was enough for her life and she could just die fulfilled. That whenever she was around Honami, every single thing mattered so much more, because Honami was there and if it wasn't perfect for Honami, she wasn't happy with it either.
Every action felt so important and monumental just because Honami was in the picture, that those moments should be cherished like stars in the sky.
They felt so important yet so homely, comfortable, like a nostalgic memory embedded in a page of a childhood album.
It made her sad, almost - that she missed so many of these moments because of her sickness. That her own album of memories was missing an entire chapter's worth of moments with Leo/need, and Honami.
"You alright, Saki?" Honami asked, still looking at her but with a concerned expression instead.
Saki raised her head and erased her solemn expression, replacing it with a smile, "Yeah, just thinking about some things, " like you and how I want to chat with and hug you every single second of every day just to make up for lost time, and more. And maybe give you a little peck on the cheek. That would be nice. “Like studying for the math test in a few days.”
“Oh? Me too! Maybe we could arrange a study session together?” Honami responded innocently, not knowing the damage she was casting on Saki’s heart. Which was a lot. A lot of damage.
Something told Saki if she accepted she would be too close in proximity with Honami to even speak right, that for her own dignity she might as well decline and then spend the rest of her week licking her wounds over regretting that decision.
Something also told Saki that if she declined every group study session, she would never experience the fun of not actually studying, with textbooks and worksheets strewn everywhere as everyone has an enlightening conversation about whatever piques their interest over chips and soda.
“Of course!” Saki’s mouth moved faster than her brain, eager to hang out with her friends, despite her turmoil over the request.
Honami’s smile turned angelic, pleased that she could study with everyone, of course, it was no question that Ichika and Shiho would join them too, “How about my house, tomorrow, right after school?”
“Sounds good!” Saki did a cheesy thumbs up, and immediately felt her face burn with embarrassment.
—
“-so, Tsukasa went all woosh and bam, and hit straight into his bookshelf. Then, some of his books came tumbling down on top of him!” Saki said with exaggerated humor, before letting Ichika and Honami laugh, as Shiho watched with an amused smile.
Honami responded, “I hope he’s okay though.. Must’ve hurt at the very least.”
“Yeah, he’s fine! Just a little bruise,” She waved her hand casually, “he’s all good.”
“That’s good to hear!” Ichika chimed in, as Shiho nodded decisively next to her.
Conversations like these always make me so happy, Saki idly thought. It was just a small balloon floating into the sky that was her headspace, yet that small moment was so important to her, the balloon bright and pink against the monotonous blue of the sky.
Maybe it was out of some nagging selfishness still stuck in her, but she wished those days would never end. She deserved to be selfish one or twice, right?
The sun was shining on her face, her friends were right beside her, and her mind was littered with pink balloons. She skipped between tile to tile, hopping over the cracks in the cement.
They continued making idle chatter till they reached Honami’s house; a warm, inviting place stuck with smells of spiced apples and fresh herbs, with cream white walls and smooth wooden floors, and a winding staircase to the upper rooms. Saki liked Honami’s house. It felt like a home away from home, remnants of Honami’s last baking adventures or her amateurish attempts at painting clear with each visit.
Reaching Honami’s room, they unloaded all of their textbooks from their bag, Saki being able to breathe a sigh of relief from the sudden weight off her back, and she helped spread them all out on the floor.
“I’ll go get some snacks for us, wait here!” Honami spoke up, before hurrying out of the room to the kitchen, padded footsteps getting quieter with each second. Saki took out her pencil case and her notebook, the latter decorated with numerous stickers; her favorite being the ones of the phoenix wonderland mascots.
Ichika started taking out her things, but Shiho hesitated, “Saki, is Honami distracting you?”
Eh?
Saki made some kind of non-committal response, the kind said when you were listening and heard everything, but had no idea what to say. Or maybe closer to when all the air was sucked out of your windpipe and you had nothing to say because you couldn’t will your breath to make coherent words.
Either way, you got the point. Saki was speechless. Totally astonished. Absolutely confounded. You get the point, right?
Hearing Saki make some kind of choked up strangle in her throat, Shiho decided it would be best to elaborate, “You’re sometimes flustered and fumbling during practice, and every time, you’re looking at Honami, so I thought that her drumming might be distracting you.”
Of course, it wasn’t like that, but Saki couldn’t refute it, and just let Shiho continue, “Her beats are important to keep everyone steady, but if the motion and sound is distracting,” she paused to think for a bit, lowering her eyelids and grasping her chin, “We could always swap places - a little unorthodox, but nothing unheard of.”
“No, I’m good where I’m at!” Saki said, with a little more excitement than expected, “I like seeing Hona-chan play the drums!”
“Are you sure? It seems like it’s distracting you,” Shiho replied, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
“No..!” She squinted her eyes and shook her head, “I’ll never give up my precious viewing spot! Don’t think you can steal her away from me, Shiho!!” She said, teasingly.
Although, even though she was teasing Shiho, she still didn’t want to give up her spot. It was special to her, the back right corner, the place where she was at just the right angle to catch the sunset when they played till late, the afterglow coating her keyboard in a gorgeous orange sheen with tinges of gold streaking through the window. The place where posters piled up on the blackboard next to her, the elementary school musical posters hidden under club recruitment flyers from Miyamasuzaka, becoming a colorful collage on the wall.
There was also a direct view of Honami, but that was a different story. Completely unrelated.
Saki stuck out her tongue at Shiho while she disapprovingly stared back, neutral facial features slowly turning into an unimpressed frown, until Ichika suddenly spoke up, “Oh, I get it now!”
“Get what..?” Saki didn’t like the sound of this, based on Ichika’s past deductions.
Ichika smiled, a comforting expression that was not comforting nor calming down Saki’s rising panic, “You have a crush on Honami, right?”
Saki immediately felt the sun on her face, not a gentle sun under a field of sunflowers, but a scorching, searing, hot sun on a killer summer day, as she tried to make sentences, but just sputtered and spitted out a mish-mash of syllables and half-finished words. Her heart had been just stripped bare for both Ichika and Shiho to see, and… and…
They looked happy for her.
She then realized that they weren’t going to make fun of her, they weren’t going to laugh and say “you have a crush on Honami? That’s hilarious!”, that they weren’t going to shy away from her, ashamed that she would have a crush on a girl, or that they would suddenly get aggressive, not wanting to be friends anymore. Not that she doubted them, of course, but it was… nice.
The way Ichika had stars in her eyes, so happy that love was blossoming in Saki’s heart, as she leaned forward in excitement, while Shiho stayed reserved in the back, still not without her own smile, reassurance that her feelings weren’t something to be embarrassed about and that she was here to support her in any way possible.
She didn’t need to answer, not when the pink on her face already said so much, instead, she walked over to give both Ichika and Shiho a big hug, both of them letting her rest her face into their shoulders.
Saki heard the door click open, “Oh, is this a group hugging session? Mind if I join?” Of course, nobody had to answer that either, as after Saki heard a clink on the table Honami joined them in one big hug, her steady arms lacing around Saki’s back and Saki felt Honami press against her right side.
Honami was warm, like a favorite wooly sweater, or maybe like spiced apple pie. Honami was a lot of things, and Saki loved them all.
(If Saki was a poet, she could write ballads and scriptures detailing each and every thing she loved so dearly about Honami. She could write winding papers describing finely the way her eyes shined in the moonlight, illuminated by the stars, her large eyes reflecting the starry night sky whenever she pointed out a new constellation on their night group excursions; or how her words had the warmth of hot mugs of cocoa on a chilly day and smooth tones like violin strings played by a well-rosined bow, with the vibrato performed just right. But, Saki wasn’t a poet, so she settled for loving everything, without needing to understand why.)
They stayed like that for a good minute or two, before they all realized they weren’t getting any studying done at this rate, and broke away. Saki went to work on her textbooks, using a section in her notebook to take sparse notes while resting her cheek on her fist, the arm of which was firmly pressed into the floor so that it ached - not so much as to make her want to change positions, but enough for it to be known.
Honami touched her finger to her chin and spoke, “Oh! I brought some snacks! Here you go, I took a while cause I brewed some tea, sorry!” She brought a tray to the floor, 4 cups of tea and a large pot on the tray as well as a plate of cookies.
Ichika grabbed the tea and sipped, “This tastes great, Honami! Different blend than last time, right?” Pointing out her finger as if she was a character in a detective game, she took another sip.
Honami chuckled, her voice so light and airy and however long she laughed wasn’t nearly enough for Saki - how could a laugh be so addicting? It made her almost want to break out Tsukasa’s posse of dad jokes he would always tell Saki, most of them memorized by now, just to get another chance to hear that laugh again.
She moved her elbow so it would no longer pound against the hard wooden floor, and stared at Honami, silently. The way Honami carried herself gently, with elegance and grace, yet still felt homely, not cold or disconnected, but as if Saki could jump into her arms and she’d feel the encompassing warmth of her home.
This is what it felt like to be in love, right?
Saki, she was, “-in love with you”.
She hummed, until she saw Honami’s face, frozen in surprise, and she grabbed at her mouth realizing she spoke out loud. She stared at Honami’s eyes, but Honami was staring back at her with her large pupils and suddenly her vision started darting everywhere for anything, anything else to look at.
Ichika was no help, all she did was smile and gave a thumbs up. Shiho nodded her head in approval although she could also see the sweat drop forming on her forehead, and she looked for something, anything, else; her notes had little hearts scrawled on the paper, the picture Honami hanged up of them in Phoenix Land had Saki’s arm around Honami’s shoulders. Honami's backpack still had the keychain that Saki gifted her a month ago.
It was futile, so she stared back at Honami instead.
Her face was painted with anticipation, a light dusting of pink on her cheeks, and Saki absentmindedly thought she looked really beautiful when the light hit her skin and hair with a soft radiance, giving her a golden glow.
Confusion in her tone, Honami asked, "Could you repeat that again, I'm afraid I might've misheard you."
Saki found herself muttering and stumbling again, letting words spill out, "I'm, in uh, love with you, I guess.." Her face felt like it was on fire, that someone just lit charcoals under her chin, and the smoke was clouding her brain, making it hard to think. She touched the tips of her fingers together, and tried not to meet Honami’s gaze.
Honami didn’t speak for a second, her face getting redder and redder gradually, as the pinks and reds spread on her face like freshly painted watercolor with too much water that it started to bleed into the paper.
Saki turned away, not being able to bear facing Honami anymore, “I’m sorry!” She said, but after a few beats of silence, she tacked on, “But I don’t regret falling in love with you. Not one bit.”
Then, Saki heard Honami’s characteristically angelic laugh, and all of a sudden, she felt arms wrap around her waist and Honami pressed into her back. Saki whipped her head around, and looked into Honami’s eyes, her round, brown eyes that people might have the gall to call plain, but they reflected the colors of her surroundings, making them awash with undertones of vivid hues. She noted the hints of yellow and pink, making Honami’s eyes seem even more lovely than usual.
Honami smiled, all fluster and embarrassment, “It’s okay, because,” she flushed even harder, “I fell in love with you too.”
They leaned into each other, suddenly laughing like they heard the funniest joke in their lives, how funny it was, that they fell in love with one another.
—
It was a little windy, but good weather, sakura petals scattered across the pavement in irregular patterns, creating piles of petals in some spots, other spots completely bare of petals. Saki thought about how it would be nice to enjoy a piping hot apple pie on the porch, the warmth of the pastry contrasting with the cold spell outside.
Ichika elbowed Saki, “So, how’s you and Honami?” Her expression was slightly mischievous, but not malicious. She smiled back, awkwardly, as remnant heat from her imaginary apple pie spread to her cheeks.
Saki thought about Honami, how she was so good (not perfect, none of them were by themselves), how she was so kind and elegant and everything that Saki thought she was amazing for. How she was strong, strong enough to support the two of them, how she was smart, witty enough to make their relationship work despite Saki’s lack of intelligence when it came to romance, how she was thoughtful, that she would share homemade baked goods with Saki just when she needed a sugar break from studying.
Honami was everything she never knew she wanted, and nothing she always thought she wanted, yet when Saki was with her she was…
Saki chuckled, strands of hair getting stuck in her face as she plucked them off, before she turned to face Ichika, “Perfect.”