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The squeak of sneakers on linoleum floor, the beat of the music on repeat, heavy breathing, the heartbeat in his ears.
Again.
One more time.
Not clean, do it again.
Foot slipped, start over.
He continued, he kept going until his chest hurt, until his breathing became laboured, until his knees couldn’t hold him up anymore. Sitting, crumpled, against the wall, the cold of the floor was grounding, cooling his overworked body. But his mind started to run, the distraction of movement now gone. A million thoughts, most of them not positive; invasive, self-critical, pessimistic. What he’d been avoiding for hours.
Officially, practice had finished in the afternoon. The dancers had left, the staff had left, Euisoo had left. Taemin had stayed. Just like he had every day this week. He kept going, kept running the choreography, kept reviewing the movements, carefully watching himself in the mirror, picking apart every movement down to the smallest gesture. It had to be perfect, he had to be satisfied.
His breathing became even more shaky; it wasn’t just the exhaustion of his lungs now, it was the panic and worry rising in his chest. Squeezing his eyes shut tightly, he willed the feelings, the thoughts, everything, to go away. To leave him alone. He was tired, he didn’t have the energy to fight his own mind today. He pressed his palms into the floor, hard, trying desperately to control his breaths and his rising heartbeat. He tried to tell himself positive words, but when he didn’t believe them himself, there was no tricking his head. He tried all the breathing exercises, all the grounding techniques. Nothing was helping.
He curled in on himself, tucking his legs tightly to his chest and wrapping his arms around his knees. His head hung low, he was out of energy, completely spent. He succumbed to the panic, it washed over him in waves, terrifying, shaking his whole body, tears dripping down his face. He felt boiling hot and freezing cold all at the same time. It was like he was drowning. Water in his ears, lights too bright, everything too much to process and handle.
He didn’t hear the light knock on the practice room door, he didn’t react to it opening.
“Taeminie, are you here?” Key scanned the room, he nearly didn’t notice the man curled into a ball in the corner of the room. Immediately, he dropped his bag on the floor and raced to him.
“Taeminie, hey, it’s okay, it’s Key, you’re okay,” he softly comforted as he kneeled next to the crumpled form of his maknae. He knew Taemin didn’t always like physical contact when this happened, he didn’t want to overwhelm him, so he left some space between them for the time being.
Taemin whimpered in response, still caught up in waves of panic and worry, shivering and gulping breaths of air that felt like they didn’t make it to his lungs.
“You’re okay, I’m here, you’re safe, okay? You’re safe, keep breathing Taemin,” Key was hastily messaging the other members, he knew they were still in the building. Key had been recording for his album, and Minho and Onew had both been at meetings that evening. Something in him had prompted him to check and see if Taemin was still there too once he had finished, despite knowing his scheduled practice had ended long ago. Now, he was thankful he had.
“Is there anything I can do Taemin?” he asked softly.
There was silence for a while; it broke Key’s heart to watch Taemin shake as he waited for a response. He looked so small, like the scared barely-teenager he’d met so long ago.
“L-lights,” Taemin stuttered out, so quietly, Key nearly missed it. He immediately went to turn the lights off. Without the fluorescent lights on, it was almost pitch-black in the room. The only illumination was the lights of the speakers in the corners of the room and a lamp in one corner.
“Keep breathing, nice and slow,” Key reminded as he sat back down. He wanted nothing more than to gather Taemin into his arms and hold him until everything was back to normal. He hated seeing him like this, no matter how many times it happened. It always tugged at his heart. Key felt helpless, he just wanted to be able to make it all go away. Taemin didn’t deserve to be tormented like this, he’d been through enough. He noticed the shaking was starting to subside a little.
“Hyung.”
Key hummed quietly. I’m listening. Anything you need, I’m here.
“H-hug?” It came out as a question. Taemin hated asking for things, he always had as long as Key had known him. He didn’t like to ask for help, he wanted to prove he could do anything. Key knew how long it had taken for Taemin to get to a point where he knew that asking for something from any of the members was not bothering them, especially not in situations like this.
Key wordlessly shifted closer to Taemin and wrapped an arm around his back, pulling him close to him gently. The younger curled into him. His breathing was still shaky, and his eyes squeezed shut, but he was coming down now. Key traced repetitive, rhythmic patterns on Taemin’s shoulder, ensuring his own breathing was slow and levelled for Taemin to emulate.
After a short while, Key heard the soft click of the door, and there was sudden light in the room, illuminating the situation, before it was gone just as quickly. Two pairs of footsteps coming closer, quiet.
“Taeminie, you can do it, it’ll be over soon,” Onew’s always gentle voice. The eldest kneeled down in front of the pair.
“We’re here to help, Taemin, it’s okay,” Minho was equally as soft-spoken as he seated himself next to Key.
They waited silently, the only noise in the room was Taemin’s slowing breathing, finally starting to return to normal. His brain was less overrun. His other senses weren’t overwhelmed. He felt safe in the arms of Key, surrounded with his hyungs. He opened his eyes slowly and was met with the concerned face of Onew.
“Hyung.”
“Hey, how do you feel?” Onew shifted himself close enough to gently run a hand through his dongsaeng’s hair.
“A bit better,” Taemin lifted his weight off Key, but appreciated that Key kept his arm around him still, a steady reminder that he was safe.
“Is there anything we can do?” Minho asked, leaning around Key.
Taemin shook his head, “Just need some time.”
“As long as you need, we’re here.”
Taemin was grateful, eternally for the men with him now. They were so much more than just his members, more than even family sometimes, it felt. They had been through everything together. They’d fought, they’d argued, they’d cried, they’d grieved, they’d done amazing things, and they always supported eachother without question.
After a while of staring into the blank darkness of the room, Taemin had quietened his mind enough to function properly.
“Thankyou,” he said to his hyungs.
“It’s okay, you know we’re always here,” Onew smiled softly.
“Next time, call if you start to feel anxious, okay?” Key scolded lightly, but hugged Taemin closer to him.
Taemin nodded.
“Have you been practicing all this time? Didn’t you finish at 4?” Minho asked.
“I… I had to keep going.”
“Taem… it’s eight o’clock. You definitely don’t need to practice that much, you know that’s not good for you.”
“But-”
“No, Taemin. You need to let your body rest.” Onew said seriously. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen Taemin work himself to this point. They’d all done it, especially in their rookie days, but it was something Taemin had never really outgrown. He was too much of a perfectionist, and dancing was how he escaped all the things that worried him, but as Onew had reminded him on several occasions, it was a temporary solution. Eventually, he had to face whatever anxiety, whatever worry was stuck on his mind.
Taemin knew Onew was right, and he could tell what the others were thinking without hearing them say it. He needed to learn to stop. He did this every time he had a comeback, he kept going and going, until eventually, he broke.
“I’m tired,” he admitted. Every night for the last week he’d stayed until at least 7 o’clock at night, sometimes much, much later. He hadn’t been eating well, he hadn’t been sleeping well. His body had nothing left to give.
“Come on, let’s get you home. I’ll stay with you tonight, if you want,” Kibum offered as he helped Taemin up.
“You don’t have to…”
“I want to, do you want me to?”
Taemin shyly nodded, “Yeah.”
“Okay then. Minho, could you look after the dogs tonight?”
“Of course, they love me.”
Key grumbled, “Love you more than they love me.”
“Where’s your stuff, Taemin?” Onew asked while the other two jokingly argued about which one of them Key’s dogs loved more, which made Taemin smile. He gestured to a chair at the side of the room.
Onew gathered Taemin’s things together and bought them back. The other two had managed to get a laugh out of Taemin, which made them all smile. They all made their way to the carpark of SM, farewelling eachother with a tight embrace before Key followed Taemin to his car. He held his hand out to Taemin, “I’ll drive, you rest.” Taemin fished for his keys in his bag and handed them gratefully to Kibum.
All the way to Taemin’s house, they drove in silence. Taemin listened to the sounds of Seoul at night, enjoying the peace, knowing he was safe now. Even if his brain was to start fighting him again, Key was there, he’d be okay. He nearly fell asleep, but Key gently woke him when they’d arrived.
He shuffled up the stairs to his apartment, dragging himself sleepily behind Key. He was suddenly very grateful he’d given the members the code to his apartment lock, even keying that in seemed like too much effort right now. Kkoong greeted them at the door and Taemin reached down to pat her, enjoying the familiarity of her soft meows as she weaved between his legs.
“Go to bed, Taem, I’ll feed her, you’re too sleepy.”
Taemin was too tired to protest, he was barely keeping his eyes open. He shuffled his feet to his bedroom and collapsed into the soft sheets. He listened as Key chatted to Kkoong while he fed her. Kkoong meowed in response, it was like they were having a conversation.
Key gently pushed open the door to Taemin’s room, “Do you want food?”
“No, help yourself,” he mumbled into the cushion.
“Not hungry either. Okay, goodnight Taem, try to get some sleep,” Key made to close the door.
“Wait, hyung-ah,” Taemin pushed himself up a little, “you can’t sleep on the couch, come share with me.”
“You just want more hugs,” Key protested, but was making his way toward the bed anyway.
“Maybe,” Taemin shuffled to make room for Key, who joined him under the soft blankets. ‘Thankyou, hyung. For everything.”
Key toyed with Taemin’s hair, “You’re welcome. You know it’s no problem.”
“Means a lot though, really. I love you guys.”
“We know, we love you too. Get some sleep Taem, you need it.”
Moments later, Taemin was out like a light next to Key, who spent a while just observing a finally calm, peaceful Taemin, before allowing himself to succumb to his own tiredness.