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The hospital smells disgustingly clean, just as it always has. It’s quiet in this hall, and Felix’s boots click against the linoleum floors. He brushes back a stray strand of hair in annoyance, other hand tightening slightly around the bouquet of flowers in his hand.
Felix hates hospitals.
When he finally reaches the right door, he pauses to stare at it for a moment and debates leaving. Just as he always has. Like always though, he shoves it open with a sigh. The hinges squeak loudly and it causes the man in the room to look over, a faint smile immediately blooming in his face.
Felix scowls at him automatically but Dimitri’s smile doesn’t falter. Sunlight falls through the open blinds and the warm light causes his blonde hair to almost shimmer. It’s stupidly pretty and Felix immediately wants to shove Dimitri’s head into the pillows so that he’d stop looking at him like that.
He resists the urge and instead walks into the room, shutting the door behind him. Something in his gut unclenches at seeing Dimitri sitting there. Felix thinks his cheeks look a little more gaunt than the last time he’d been there, and his frame was far from what it used to be.
His eye is still bright though and genuine happiness quirks at his lips, so Felix just stalks across the room and shoves the bouquet in his face.
Dimitri laughs and brings a shaky hand up to take the flowers, smelling them before he looks back towards Felix. “What are they?”
Felix scoffs, rolling his eyes. “Flowers, obviously. Are you blind in your other eye now too?” Dimitri huffs and gives him a very pointed look. Felix decides to act like he doesn’t see it.
After a moment Dimitri speaks again “What kind of flowers? They are very beautiful, Felix. Thank you.”
Warmth blooms in his chest unbidden and a smile threatens to tug at his lips. Felix is tempted to say he doesn’t know, but decides to be nice just this once since it was Valentines Day. How cheesy. “Not sure on all of them but the funky purple one is pulmonaria or somethin? The uh red and yellow ones I think were called primrose? And I think the dark red ones were carnations.” After he finishes speaking he scowled, eyeing the bouquet in annoyance. He hates that he knew that.
Dimitri is smiling up at him sweetly though and the fingers of his other hand come up to ghost lightly over the petals, before he turns to gently place it in a vase on the bedside table. His voice is soft when he speaks. “I love them.” Felix promptly turns away to hide the flush on his cheeks, looking instead towards the window.
He can hear Dimitri chuckling behind him and refuses to look, but then turns around after hearing him wheeze, a frown coming to his face. Dimitri has a hand pressed to his chest, a grimace on his face as he struggles to take in a deep breath. Felix sighs and walks forward, sitting on the edge of the bed as he waits. “I guess I shouldn’t make you laugh when your lungs are even more useless than the rest of you.”
That..wasn’t what he meant to say but Dimitri gives him a soft look anyways and Felix decides not to bother trying to say it better. They sit there in silence as Dimitri catches his breath, and then Felix finds a shaking, scarred hand curling around his own. Any other day he would push him off. Probably. But he doesn’t today and instead just lets himself enjoy the warmth.
Even after all this time and sickness, his hands have remained warm and deceptively gentle. It was ridiculous. “I’m sorry.” Felix turns to look at him startled, and Dimitri is looking down at his lap where his other hand lays, twitching faintly at random intervals. Felix opens his mouth to ask but Dimitri cuts him off before he can. “I know you..probably do not want to be here. I can not blame you.” He huffs a self deprecating laugh and yet he doesn’t let go of Felix’s hand. If anything, he holds tighter.
There’s sharp bewilderment in Felix’s voice when he speaks into the pause between this sentence and the next the man probably intends to start. “What are you talking about? You think you can make me go places I don’t want to?” He almost winces after he says it. When Dimitri wilts, he actually does wince. “I didn’t mean it like that.” He says quietly.
Dimitri shrugs slightly, free hand curling around the shitty hospital blanket in his lap. “No, no it is alright. You are right, I have never been able to make you do what you do not desire to.” He looks up and offers Felix a smile, but after the warmth of earlier, the falseness is transparent.
Felix reaches up and gently flicks his nose, Dimitri twitching back in surprise. “I-“ he grimaces and licks his lips, before speaking carefully, voice stiff. “I want to be here. I..would not be here otherwise.” Dimitri smiles at him, tentative but more real. Felix feels like he has to say something more. Ugh. He squeezed Dimitri’s hand tentatively, looking down. “There’s not-“ he pauses, biting his lip. “There’s not anywhere I would be instead.”
Felix thinks his ears might be burning and he refuses to look at Dimitri’s face. The idiot probably had some stupid sappy look on his face. After a moment he gives into his curiosity however and glances up. Dimitri was staring at him with a soft look, a wide smile on his face. Felix flushes and shoves his free hand into Dimitri’s face, snapping “don’t look at me like that!”
Hot air is huffed onto his palm as Dimitri chuckles and internally Felix is relieved he’s back to normal. Dimitri being all sad and self deprecating just..doesn’t feel right. Dimitri brings up his hand and rough fingers curl gently around his wrist, cradling his hand carefully. Dimitri gives him a sugary sweet smile and then presses a soft kiss to the palm of his hand.
A strangled sound rips itself from Felix’s throat as warmth floods his chest. And his cheeks. He scowls but he knows it’s weak as a smile tugs at his mouth. Dimitri lets their hands drop down to the bed though, and Felix adjusts so that he’s facing his partner, their hands linked between them. It felt stupidly cheesy.
Dimitri sighed quietly, voice soft. “I am sorry, though. I wish..I wish that we could have our Valentine’s Day elsewhere. Anniversaries are better spent in places far away from rooms like this. You..deserve better.”
Felix sighs. Does he really need to say this? Apparently so. His words are awkward, and fit funnily in his mouth, but they work. “Well, yeah. I don’t want to be here. Neither do you. I’m with you though. That’s..good enough.”
Felix feels like he’s both said far too much and entirely too little. Dimitri was looking at him though with that stupidly soft smile on his face that he got whenever he thought Felix had said something romantic. His blue eye shines beautifully in the afternoon light. That same light made the skin of his forearms look near paper thin though, and Felix finds himself reaching out to trace the visible veins.
Dimitri twitches under his touch but doesn’t move away, instead just leaning forwards to gently bump their heads together. Felix sighs quietly and lets himself bask in the moment. “I need to go soon.” He says softly. It might be Valentine’s Day but he hadn’t been able to get off work that evening. “Tomorrow, though. I have all day tomorrow.”
Dimitri smiles, and one of his hands pulls away from Felix’s to reach up and comb through his hair. He’d left it down today. “You left it down.” Felix doesn’t bother responding. “You know I love your hair being down.”
Felix grumbles, but there’s no heat behind it. “I didn’t leave it down for you. So self centered .” They both know he did, but Dimitri doesn’t call him out on the lie. After a moment Felix pulls away, squeezing Dimitri’s hand in his own and getting up off the bed.
His hands feel cold without Dimitri’s warmth but Felix squashes down that feeling immediately. Dimitri is looking up at him as he heads for the door. Felix pauses, with his hand on the doorknob, turning to look over his shoulder. “Next year, we can go to that nice restaurant downtown. The one everyone always talks about.”
Dimitri smiles and nods. “Next year.” There’s something sad in his voice, but Felix pushes it off as being sad to see him go. Dimitri has always been emotional over silly things. He opens the door but as he walks out, Dimitri calls him back. “Felix?”
He turns, tilting his head. “Somethin wrong?”
Dimitri shakes his head, fiddling with his hands and Felix realises he’s holding the little stuffed boar he’d given him last year. He hadn’t even known Dimitri kept it in here. Felix hadn’t seen it before now. “I love you.”
Felix blushes and ducks his head, but responds. “I love you too.” He turns and leaves, the door clicking shut behind him.
_________
(Dimitri is left sitting in a too-large-too-quiet hospital room with a shaking hand pressed to his chest. “Tomorrow.” He whispers, and it falls like a prayer off his tongue.
There are no gods left to hear his pleas though.)
_________
Felix gets a call from the hospital at about 9am the next morning, and he rolls over in bed to grab it off the side table. He sleepily presses the answer button, holding the phone up to his ear. “‘ello?”
A female voice responds, voice gentle. “ Felix ?”
He groans and rubs at his eyes. Wait. He recognises that voice. “Byleth? Why are you calling? Is something wrong?”
Byleth is quiet, and suddenly, Felix knows exactly what’s wrong. He doesn’t say a word though. He needs to hear her say it. “ He’s gone Felix.”
Felix thinks there might be a tremor in his voice. “Say it.”
“Felix-“
His voice breaks and there’s more venom than he means for there to be when he says it again. “Say it.”
Byleth exhales roughly. “Dimitri- Dimitri died this morning. Thirty minutes ago. He’s gone. I’m sorry.”
Felix’s entire world shatters in that moment and he’s barely even aware of what he says next. “God, what kind of doctor are you? You were supposed to save him, he was supposed to get better, he was getting better, what the fuck did you not do?”
He only realises when he hears a choked sob come over the line. Shit. He goes to say something- apologise probably, he’s not sure- but Byleth continues on. “He was. He was- but then it got worse again and I can’t tell you when he didn’t want me to. He didn’t- he wouldn’t let me Felix I promise I would have told you if I could.”
He knows. He does. Felix doesn’t reply though and hangs up the phone anyway, powering it off and curling back up in bed with the massive blue, fur lined blanket Dimitri had given him years ago wrapped tightly around him. It had been theirs, their blanket and their bed, their house, theirs . Had been.
There’s a photo on his nightstand and Felix almost reaches out to throw it across the room if only so he wouldn’t have to look at Dimitri’s stupid smiling, healthy face. He doesn’t partly because he doesn’t want to move, and partly because Felix thinks he might break if he does.
He buries his face in the pillows and screams.
_________
The funeral is a quiet affair, more so by Felix’s request than anyone else’s. He stands, dressed in fine clothes, before the casket that is being slowly lowered into the ground. He can hear crying behind him, but he doesn’t turn to see who it is. It doesn’t matter.
It’s raining. Water drenches him to the bone and the cold seems to have reached down into his very soul. Water slides off the casket and the hole it’s to be lowered in has become muddy and churned. Felix holds an umbrella in his hand, but doesn’t open it. He’ll probably get sick, but it doesn’t matter.
When the casket is released, settled in its final spot, Felix is the last in line. Everyone files before him, tossing a handful of dirt, or a flower, or a handful of kind words at it. He thinks everyone may leave immediately after they finish, but he doesn’t bother checking. He gently places a bouquet of flowers onto the casket, right over where he knows Dimitri’s chest must be.
It’s the same set he had given him on Valentine’s Day, with the single addition of a pink carnation. His voice is rough and grinds in his throat when he speaks. “You’re a bastard for leaving, and an even bigger bastard for not telling me.” Felix’s eyes burn and he thinks he might be crying, but if he is, the rain washes away any trace of his heartbreak. “Fuck you.” He chokes back the sob that’s lodged in his throat, chest so tight it’s almost painful.
“I miss you, you asshole. So fuck you for making me feel like this.” He turns and walks away, and then there are hands gently coaxing him away, but Felix shoves them off. He just wants to go home. (It’s not home anymore.) He just wants to be alone. (He doesn’t, but the person he wants isn’t there. )
They leave him alone and Felix only takes the time to change when he gets home because he doesn’t want to damage the stupid blanket. He didn’t know where Dimitri had gotten it from but even if he did, it wouldn't be the same. It wouldn’t be the same.
Felix curls up under the blankets and lets sleep take him, wanting to be anywhere that wasn’t here.
_________
(Felix Fraldarius died of a broken heart, they’ll say, when they find his body that next Valentine’s Day, with a smile they hadn’t seen in a year curled on his face.
They cry, but they hope he is happier now, because they didn’t think this world could not have given him anything that would make up for what he’d lost.)