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Suhyeok doesn't know much about Namra. He doesn't know her favourite colour, whether she has a pet or even if she knows he exists.
But what he does know is that she's the most diligent and hardworking person he's ever met; that she prefers sitting at the back of the class nearest to the window and hates sitting in the front. He knows that she smells like strawberries and that she sings slow love songs under her breath when she thinks no one is paying attention. But Suhyeok is always paying attention, always the first to perk up when he catches a glimpse of her.
The most certain thing Suhyeok knows regarding Namra is that he is utterly in love with her.
He admits it was accidental. By the time he notices his habit of looking for her in every single room he enters, it's suddenly too late and, instead of fighting against it, he welcomes it with arms wide open. Love is unfamiliar territory for Suhyeok; no one has ever caught his attention like she has, and he can't help but indulge in every little desire to get closer to her.
He hears that the whole falling in love thing is the most difficult part, yet he can't imagine why. He doesn't understand how the rush of warmth from seeing her small smile or the stupid heart eyes he sends her can feel anything but beautiful. Realistically, he knows they're strangers. It's been almost a year since they've met, and he's barely any closer to her than he was when he first saw her. His pathetic attempts to get to know her end with very little success, so he accepts to admire her from afar and learns to be happy with whatever she manages to give him.
Their first interaction that semester catches Suhyeok way off guard and leaves him screaming, crying, and throwing up. Suhyeok finds himself on the roof of the school, gathering as many moments of solace as possible before going home. As much as he likes to be an active participant, there's a certain peace he finds in watching his classmates live their own lives and experience happiness. He watches Cheongsan do his everyday routine of taking Onjo's bag and hand as they cross the field and Wujin walking to the gym to meet his sister. He sits still on the ledge until the scorching summer heat becomes unbearable, so he makes the decision to take off his blazer rather than leave, wanting just a little more time to himself before going.
He hears the sound of the roof door opening and is met with the unfamiliar sight of Namra holding a lighter and cigarette in her hands. They hold eye contact for a moment before she breaks it in favour of looking down and giving him a once over. Her eyes linger on his arms, and suddenly Suhyeok has a million hopeful thoughts running through his mind before feeling the dampness of his armpits. He quickly realises the noticeability of the stains that have him rushing to put his blazer back on, much to his discomfort.
"Wait!" He calls out as she turns to leave the roof, but his attempt is useless and he's once again the only occupant. Suddenly, being left alone feels more suffocating than peaceful as he berates himself for making her uncomfortable. This first interaction of the semester had Suhyeok screaming into his pillow that night and avoiding Namra for a week.
The group invites themselves to Cheong-san's family restaurant, much to Cheongsan's dismay, while Suhyeok secretly rejoices at the thought of free food. Hunger prevents Suhyeok from keeping track of the conversation, but soon they're discussing school clubs, much to Gyeongsu's complaint of thinking about school beyond school hours. "It's a requirement to be in at least one." Joon-Yeong comments, "I'm pretty sure the only things available are the book club and student government." The group scrunches their noses in disgust at the options. "I think Ji-Min's in the government one, but I don't know about the book one."
"Namra's in it." Suhyeok supplies before he can stop himself, unknowingly softening his voice while saying her name. He feels the rapid filling of butterflies inside his stomach, and a small smile escapes before he can collect himself. God, it's been a month since he's fallen in love and he's already acting like Daesu with Hari. Somehow, deep inside, he doesn't seem to mind; he never minds anything that involves Namra. However, everyone else at the table appeared to be.
"Why'd you say her name like that?" asks Gyeongsu with a small laugh. All eyes flicker between the two boys before ultimately returning to Suhyeok. Even Daesu and Wujin pause their inhalation of Cheongsan's chicken to listen and look at him with a mischievous curiosity. He feigns innocence with a raised eyebrow, knowing that his voice will definitely cause more harm than good. Gyeongsu continues, "You know, you said it all lovey-dovey, kind of shit."
The table is quiet with anticipation of Suhyeok's answer, but all he can focus on is his palms gradually getting sweatier as he unintelligently takes too many blinks, his brain scrambling to find an answer. He's not embarrassed about his interest in Namra, but he knows there's a 70% chance of one of them telling the entire school, and he'd at least like a chance with her before completely embarrassing himself. Before he can respond, Cheongsan hits Gyeongsu in the back of the head. "Lovey-dovey? You've been watching way too many dramas with your grandma again, haven't you? " Gyeongsu flushes and immediately protests while Cheongsan continues to playfully berate him. Soon, the other boys join in, forgetting all about Suhyeok's little hiccup. All except Cheongsan, who sends him a glance that has Suhyeok looking anywhere but at him.
Against his better judgement, Suhyeok volunteers to help Cheongsan and his mother clean up as a thank you for the free meal, while the other boys quickly pack up, not wanting to be roped in. Suhyeok thanks any and all Gods for Cheongsan's mother as she sweetly asks him question after question, preventing her son from even getting a word in. They eventually finish cleaning, and Cheongsan's mother heads to the car, bidding him goodbye with a small meal for his grandmother and a pinch on the cheek.
"I'll be right there," Cheongsan calls after her before turning to Suhyeok. Suhyeok opens his mouth but is quickly interrupted by a raised hand, "I just want you to know that," Cheongsan's pause has him holding his breath. "I will now use this information as payback for everything you did to me with Onjo." Suhyeok punches him as a retort and is grateful to have Cheongsan in his life.
The next day, Suhyeok arrives late for class and sees that Cheongsan has quickly made good on that threat, as he has managed to change the entire seating arrangement, leaving the only seat available beside Namra. The day after that, he sees his name written in Cheongsan's horrendous writing under the sign-up sheet for the literature club.
Suhyeok is no longer grateful to Cheongsan.
Suhyeok is well aware that he's not the most studious student in any of his classes and has absolutely no interest in anything that requires more work. He's already a part of two extracurriculars, but he finds himself religiously attending the meetings for the book club for reasons different from others. The members dwindle considerably with every weekly meeting, and soon enough, the only members are basically Suhyeok, Namra, and five other students.
He finds this week's choice boring, and he's only made it through the prolog. He's glad the other students are very engaged and dedicated to pioneering the conversation, considering he and Namra never participate. Suhyeok knows the general hostility many people feel towards Namra and wonders if she generally doesn't have an opinion or isn't welcome to share hers. He decides to take a leap of faith and moves to sit beside her. "What do you think about it?"
"What?" Her eyes bore into his, and he couldn't seem to look away. He turns his entire body this time, waiting for her response as she looks down at where their knees are barely grazing each other.He repeats himself again and hopes he didn't make a complete fool of himself for bothering her, and right before he clears his throat to apologize, she actually answers. Namra starts off slow and soft, but the more he nods and hums at her thoughts, the more she feels comfortable and Suhyeok can barely function after hearing more than five words come out of her mouth.
The meeting ends, but Suhyeok doesn't want their conversation to, so he grasps at straws, attempting to formulate questions about the book he initially thought was boring but which suddenly becomes interesting when Namra describes it. They talk until they reach the school gate, and Namra turns to him with pursed lips. " I can't believe I spent the whole meeting just talking about myself. I didn't even ask you anything. "
"You don't have to apologize. I like it when you talk." The truth comes out easily and he grins as he watches her turn her head down to smile. Internally, he prays that this won't be the last time he makes her smile.
"Do you want to continue this tomorrow?" She gives him a surprising look that he recognises as hopeful. Namra wants to continue talking to him, he realizes, and suddenly the word "no" is not in his vocabulary anymore. He stutters out a soft okay and even adds a ridiculously over-eager nod to further his point, then watches her smile once again before turning to walk home.
He shows up exhausted the next day and his eye bags have multiplied, having spent the entire night finishing the book; but he will gladly do it again and again if it means getting to sit with Namra during lunch on the rooftop to continue their conversation.
After that, it becomes a recurring occurrence. They spend enough time together that their conversations gradually flow from books to more personal matters. He shares anecdotes about his grandmother and woes about his future, while she does the opposite-complaining about her mother while sharing dreams about her future. She makes his head dizzy with every little peek into her life, and he makes her laugh with stories about his. Suhyeok used to believe that these opposites would be obstacles that would hinder being able to know her, but now he realizes that they are stepping stones closer to Namra.
They're friends, he thinks, but he's never had a friend to make him melt with a glance, daydream about what their hands feel like, or stay up all night thinking of conversation starters. She's now shifted from stranger to friend to something more, but not quite, and he doesn't know what that something more implies for their future.
The rooftop somehow becomes their unofficial meeting place, which allows Namra to be herself and Suhyeok to be with Namra. Each conversation creates a sturdy foundation for friendship and cracks within Suhyeok's weakening resolve to protect what they've made and tell her how he feels. It's mid-October-almost two months since their first interaction-when he learns that her favourite colour is blue, that she doesn't have any pets, and that she just might see him just as much as he sees her.
Namra takes a little bit more space in his heart after that.
The shared animosity between Suhyeok, Daesu, and Wujin towards history sparks a daily competition between the three to see which two can get the seats in the back and who has to sit in the front. His previous class is located on the opposite side, causing him to lose most days, and he finds himself in the familiar action of dragging his feet towards the front row. Yet today, there's a slight variation to the daily cycle in which an extra empty seat appears in the back row. Suhyeok sees this as a miracle, wasting no time rushing towards the back and feeling no guilt towards the person he's about to steal the seat from.
That's when he notices Namra isn't here and stops his hurried strides to that last seat in the back. He feels a slight irritation towards himself as he slows down and starts to turn back towards the front row of the class. He knows her seating preference, and no matter how much he despises the class, he doesn't have the will to force Namra to sit in the front. As Suhyeok sits in the front, he wonders if this is why people find love so difficult.
Namra is the last to show up to class and locks eyes with Suhyeok before eyeing the seat across the room, closest to the window and furthest from him. He takes a glance too, and it's bathed in sunlight, almost acting as a beacon to lure her away and mock Suhyeok for choosing to sit in the front. Suhyeok's expectation of her striding past him shatters as she gracefully slides into the seat next to him and prepares for class. He's dumbstruck and his gaze must feel heavy as she returns his gaze with a curious one.
"There's a seat in the back. You don't have to sit here. " He advised, and if this was anyone else, they'd probably think he was kicking them out. But this is Namra, who looks him straight in the eye before replying.
"I know."
Suhyeok still tries to beat Daesu and Wujin, but the losses don't feel as bad when he sees Namra occasionally switch seats to keep him company.
The snowy weather creeps up and catches Suhyeok and most of the students at Hyosan High School off guard. He spends the day thinking about how difficult it's going to be to walk home as the snow swirls around, making layers upon layers. He hasn't found enough time to buy a proper winter jacket, so he settles for multiple layers of sweaters and a knitted scarf to keep him warm. This dilemma seems to be a shared occurrence as he sees Onjo huddling up to Cheongsan and Joon-Yeong and Wujin sandwiching Daesu as they wait for him at the side of the gate after school.
With the constant after-school rooftop meetings, it becomes a routine for Suhyeok and Namra to walk together, and he refuses to break tradition no matter how many texts he receives from Joon-Yeong about wanting to go home already. She eventually emerges in a jacket that's somehow thinner than his and makes a beeline straight for him. With each step towards the gate, Namra subconsciously moves closer to him for warmth. Their conversation comes to a slow stop as Suhyeok sees Namra's shiver starting to worsen, and they've just reached the gate. He sees her nose and cheeks turn an alarming shade of red before stopping them both to take off his scarf and place it on her.
He's already reaching behind before she can protest, gently lifting her hair to wrap the scarf around her neck. Suhyeok admits he spends a few extra minutes unnecessarily fretting over the security of the scarf, carefully tucking it so it won't jostle too much when she walks home. He steps back and admires how nice it compliments her and somehow finds a rare moment of confidence to tell Namra that. He doesn't mean to cause a scene in front of the school, but her shifting eyes make him suddenly aware of everyone around him. Gagging noises and teasing faces are made behind Namra's back by his friends, but Suhyeok doesn't pay them any mind. They exchange "get home safe's" and "I'll call you's" and a light brush of hands before he's dragged away by Onjo and Cheongsan.
Namra has a small halo of snow in her hair the last time he sees her before the winter break. He's aware of the high possibility of them catching a cold by continuing to go to the roof, yet he refuses to miss any moment of seeing Namra wear his scarf. The fuzzy, red material does well at keeping her warm, and the sight makes him feel warmer than any of this winter's attire. She's worn it to school every single day since Suhyeok gave it to her. He hasn't made any advances in asking for it back and she hasn't offered to return it.
He doesn't know if it's the holiday spirit, or the warmth radiating from his arm from where she's leaning on him, or even the excitement from moments before of her agreeing to join him at Onjo's small gathering over the break that finally pushes him over the edge of spilling out his feelings to her. The words seem to tumble out of his mouth, all clumsy and messy, and everything the opposite of what a girl like Namra deserves. No matter how many times he's rehearsed this in his head, it still falls somewhat awkwardly. He suddenly couldn't stop talking, spilling out every little detail of his fondness and adoration for her. Suhyeok can't tell if he's doing it from the surge of confidence of being completely transparent or the fear of the deafening silence that's going to follow once he stops.
Eventually, the silence does come as Namra surges up to place a quick kiss on his lips to shut him up. She’s slightly off center, but he finds it perfect, and wonderful, and completely them. Her eyes remain closed while he forces himself not to blink, etching every small detail, from her fluttering eyelashes to the slight part in her lips, into his mind. Their foreheads are touching, and he can feel her breath when she stutters out his name. He swallows at how vulnerable she sounds.
When he sets the rule for himself to accept whatever Namra gives him, he doesn't expect her to give him her whole heart wrapped in a fluttering kiss. He knows how much it takes for Namra to be this open, and he gently accepts her heart in steady hands and holds it close to his own. It's as if their kiss has given him a moment of clarity; as she opens her eyes, he sees a reflection of evident amounts of tenderness and trust brimming at the surface, and he finds it almost surprising that he's missed it all this time. Suhyeok kisses her again and again, and it remains as sacred and sweet with each press of her soft lips against his.
He walks her home that day and places their intertwined hands in his pocket to keep her warm. Suhyeok is happy, and he can tell Namra is too, by the content smile on her face. She doesn't bother hiding from him anymore. The shift from being an observer of her life to an actual participant still leaves him reeling, but he's grateful to Namra for allowing him to find his first love in her.