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Kaeya and Diluc are like brothers. Both of them are prosperous, and both of them put on a facade for a show. In truth, Kaeya understands that Diluc and him are the same type of people, which Diluc insists otherwise, and so does Kaeya.
Nevertheless, unlike Diluc who has no reason to not wish to be Kaeya's brother and is publicly emitting it, Kaeya is privately keeping to himself. To say that Kaeya wants to be Diluc's brother is the same as spouting a fable. Throughout the years, the blue-haired's thoughts never wavered. Kaeya didn't want to be Diluc's sworn brother, and he hated it much more to be Diluc's non-biological adopted brother. He hated to be related in that way to Diluc, but at the same time, he's a bit relieved by it.
Kaeya knows how much the word ‘brother’ pressures someone to the point that they can no longer breathe at ease. He knows that it's like wanting to love but is forbidden to. He knows that it's the love he'll never get to have and give, to cherish and keep, hence he hates being related to Diluc.
Because he yearns to be loved by the red-haired.
(Because he's already in love with the former.)
At the same time, he's soothed. To be Diluc's sworn brother means to have the privilege to stay by his side. It means being able to be in the presence of the red-haired and being bathed by his scent. That alone was enough for Kaeya to wish for nothing more.
Until he started coughing petals.
At first, Kaeya believed that it was nothing. He dumbly tricked himself into thinking that a flower petal accidentally got in his mouth and he just happened to cough it.
But then it started acting up.
Every time he's near the red-haired, his throat will start to ache, and his lungs seem to get obstructed; not allowing him to breathe. Eventually, finally, Kaeya chose not to dismiss it and went to the hospital. To tell the truth, Kaeya knows that whatever is happening to him, it's related to Diluc. Otherwise, why would he be in pain whenever he's in the same room as the red-haired?
Going to the hospital was suddenly a great idea. Kaeya ultimately understood that he was but a hopeless man. Going to the hospital was a great idea. That was for his body, but not for his heart .
Going to the hospital wasn't a great idea, because he had to learn in a cruel way that he wasn't loved . It's not like Kaeya didn't know that Diluc would never look his way. It's not like he didn't know that the red-haired wasn't interested in him, but at some point, at least, he hoped that the former would at least have the tiniest bit of affection for him.
But oh boy, he sure is just a hopeless man.
Kaeya at that point wanted to curse at whoever, at whatever started hanahaki disease. To his demise, there existed none.
Thankfully though, there lived a cure. But it was nonetheless still hopeless. Kaeya was to choose whether to continue loving Diluc under the premise of death or to be loved back and be freed from death.
But what if he doesn't want to choose at all?
What if Kaeya just wants to stay by Diluc's side and never go? What if he just wants to be there until nothing remains?
“...A simple question, if I may.” Kaeya put on a small smile, his train of thoughts flying away. He had his usual brotherly aura, sitting on the sofa of Diluc's office.
The sudden interruption made the red-haired who was typing on his laptop stop and glance at the blue-haired. He didn't need to say anything at all because Kaeya understood that he was permitting the blue-haired to speak.
And so Kaeya opened his mouth. But then no words came out.
The blue-haired had no choice but to put on an apologetic smile, apologizing at the disturbance, saying that it was but a small matter, so Diluc needed not to pay any mind. The red-haired didn't say anything and just went back to typing. And it would be a lie to say that Kaeya wasn't a bit hurt.
Without saying anything, Kaeya stood up and left the room, closing the door without any noise so as to not disturb Diluc any further.
Whoever is above would know that it was a pain to endure not coughing petals in the presence of Kaeya's unrequited love, much less hold back a whole flower inside his throat.
The second stage has begun.
But Kaeya still didn't want to choose from the option of getting cured. He didn't want to die, either. He wanted neither. He just wanted to stay by Diluc's side and never falter.
But oh, maybe he soon will.
Days passed since Kaeya tried to ask Diluc for the first time, which was a failure. He had to drink and get tipsy without losing his mind before facing Diluc, and he hated that he didn't have the courage to do so without being tipsy.
“A question, if I may?” Kaeya asked, smiling as he did. As expected, Diluc still permitted him to speak. Kaeya wishes Diluc wouldn't.
“It might seem a tad strange,” Kaeya bit the insides of his mouth before continuing. “But how are your lungs?”
Huh. Diluc thought that it was indeed a strange question. Before he could give an answer, Kaeya cut him off and continued.
“Are your lungs in pain?” ’cause mine sure are aching. Kaeya answered his question in his thoughts. It's clear to the blue-haired why his lungs are aching. But it wasn't to Diluc who doesn't know a thing.
“It's alright,” Diluc answered. He contemplated before adding a question, “May I ask why you're asking me that?”
Kaeya made an indescribable expression, sneering in his heart. “To answer your question, the only answer I can give is no. ”
Shrugging and paying no mind, Diluc just said okay. “Suit yourself.”
“I will,” Kaeya chuckled, leaving the bar on his own.
“Does he not seem weird to you? Because he does to me.” Itto blurted once he saw Kaeya disappear. Childe and Thoma, as well as Ayato and Zhongli, agreed.
“He does indeed seem different,” Zhongli stated.
Hearing that, Childe couldn't help but nudge Diluc. “Aren't you going after him?”
Diluc deadass stared at the former before answering. “Why should I?”
He's answering a question with a question that only made the others shrug. There's no helping it, they thought. Perhaps tomorrow, the two will remain the same as always.
And they did.
The only difference was that Diluc started seeing a particular bouquet on his work table from that day. He thought that someone brought it to his office and forgot to tell him, so he just set the bouquet aside and started typing.
The next day, and the next after that, however, the bouquet kept on appearing. Although it was a bother, Diluc started to investigate. To his demise, not only was there no evidence, but it's also unclear who, and how the bouquet always gets there.
Until he witnessed Kaeya coming into his office and going to the bathroom empty-handed, then coming out with a bouquet of the very same flower in his hand before placing it on Diluc's desk.
A bouquet of blue roses.
But why, and how?
Ever since that day, Diluc started wondering as to why Kaeya would do that. He racked his brain and tried to think of possibilities, which soon left him with one truth that he would never dare to think of.
He tried to hide what he just got knowledge of. Tried to think of other things and tried to put them in the back of his mind. But doing so just made it obvious that he knew of Kaeya's feelings.
Which Kaeya also hid.
Diluc now knows that Kaeya likes him. But so what? It's not like Kaeya's asking for anything. He just thinks that it's a waste to flush down the flowers he worked so hard to cough out, to throw up. And since the reason for the disease was Diluc, it only makes sense that he's giving it to the red-haired.
Weeks after that, Kaeya never would've anticipated having his question bounce back to him. He didn't know what was going on in Diluc's mind, asking him if his lungs were hurting.
Of course, they're hurting. Kaeya wanted to utter profanity, he wanted to explode. But the sensation of the air in his lungs deliberately forfeiting against his heart, Kaeya would be a liar if he were to say that he did not like it.
Because he liked it.
He loved how every time he coughed flowers, he was reminded that he was in love with Diluc, which also reminded him that he wasn't loved. Taking a deep breath, Kaeya shook off his thoughts before looking directly into Diluc's eyes.
“Wanna try?”
Diluc frowned. “Try what?”
It turns out, the red-haired only learned that Kaeya likes him. He didn't know that Kaeya has the hanahaki disease at all.
“Want me to stab your lungs and ask you if they aren't hurting?” Kaeya sneered, an attitude in his tone can be heard.
What Kaeya said silenced Diluc. He had nothing else to say. Then it occurred to him, why're the blue-haired's lungs hurting? Could it be lung cancer? Thinking of that, Diluc glanced at Kaeya who was walking away.
“Do you have lung cancer?”
Kaeya only laughed at him. “It seems that this time, you're the one who's inefficient.”
Diluc was then left with nothing to argue with, and nothing to understand. A case left unsolved only riled him up. The problem is, he may be too late to start.
Diluc didn't know how much time had passed. It only went to his head when the blue-haired entered his office as if nothing happened. Beside Diluc's table was the bouquet of blue roses. He knew that Kaeya was the one giving him that, but he doesn't know that Kaeya knows that he's aware of the blue-haired's feelings.
“The city is crowded and lively as ever,”
Diluc glanced at Kaeya before averting his gaze to the window. “Indeed.”
The blue-haired smiled in return before sitting on the sofa. After he sat down, Kaeya didn't utter a thing. To others, it may seem like Kaeya's acting like the usual. But to Diluc, it certainly seems that the former isn't acting like he usually does.
“If perhaps I asked you something so unachievable; a favor that's almost like being forced to walk another path, would you say yes?”
“...” Diluc grimaced. “I have no response to that unless I learn what the favor you're speaking about is.”
Kaeya stared at Diluc's face before saying, “Let's see, if I were to ask you to die for me, would you agree?”
“If it's for protecting you and everyone, I will not hesitate.”
Kaeya sucked in the air and stood up. “I see,” He walked to the door before looking back. “I have something to do, I'll go now.”
With that, Kaeya left.
And when Kaeya finally did, he had to flee to the nearest restroom and cough up flowers. The crimson stain on his hand made him laugh at himself pathetically as he plopped down on the harsh floor with a heavy breath. It seems that trying will only lead him in vain. Kaeya being aware of Diluc knowing that Kaeya likes him isn't enough.
He wants to be loved.
He grew even more pathetic as time passed by. He was content with staying by Diluc's side without acquiring anything in return. He was so sure that he'd pick neither of the options. But now he's wishing for Diluc to fall in love with him.
Now he wants to feel loved.
Wouldn't it be only fair to be loved? Kaeya even wanted to share the butterflies he feels whenever Diluc's around. He wanted to soar even higher with the red-haired, to be loved by and to love Diluc. But he's the only one in love, and that'll never be enough.
In Kaeya's book, a story of him is inscribed. On every leaf, he wanted Diluc to be there. He yearned to write off their ending with a grandiose happily ever after, like the ones in fairytales. But such a thing can only be considered a dream.
“Where are your manners, Ragnvindr?” Kaeya snickered, tsk-ing at the wall. ‘When are you gonna fall in love with me and save me from this agony?’
If Diluc pleaded for time and space, Kaeya would most likely give it to the red-haired. In truth, he'd even let Diluc and him swap hearts; for it may help Diluc decide. Perhaps that little theory could work out. Perhaps he can be loved if they swapped chests. Perhaps he could leave this unrequited love if they did. Wouldn't he?
“You only have a month left, Mr. Alberich,” The doctor, found it hard to deliver the news without hurting the patient. But the patient didn't care and just said the same thing.
He wishes for more time to consider.
At this point, the doctor was worried that Kaeya was determined to die. He had seen a thousand patients choose death over surgery; saying that it's meaningless to live if one were to forget the love they have for their unrequited love.
“Mr. Alberich, I am aware of what you're feeling and I get that you still want to think things over. But please, it'll all be too late if you were to decide when you have five days left.”
Upon hearing that, Kaeya's heart clenched. Suddenly, he laughed. “Give me two weeks. I'll give my answers then.”
After the appointment, Kaeya went straight to Diluc's office. He barged in there and sat on Diluc's sofa, staring aimlessly at the ceiling.
“Is there anything bothering you?” Diluc spoke, which made Kaeya tremble in both pain and pleasure.
“Nothing,” Kaeya chuckled. “I just wanted to bother you, brother .”
The red-haired stiffened at what he had just heard. It has been a long time since Kaeya called him that. Diluc just went ahead and typed again, completely ignoring the blue-haired.
And the ignored started feeling heavy. Kaeya wanted to scratch his throat open, tear his skin, and dig out the flowers in his lungs, taking everything out without ever forgetting his beloved.
Oh, to love without pain.
Finally at his limit, with tears forming on the corners of his eyes, Kaeya stood up and left the room, hurriedly running to the nearest restroom.
Sometimes, all of the time, Kaeya wonders why. Why did he have to get this disease when all he ever wished for was to love Diluc from afar. Why did he have to foolishly put himself in misery by being near Diluc when he knew so damn well that it'll only bring him pain. He wonders why he always endures it just to be in Diluc's presence when all it ever gives him is agony.
An excruciating pain where he wishes to just dig his heart out right there and then give it to Diluc, saying what he feels and proving it with his own beating heart.
Sometimes, Kaeya wonders why he chose to cough flowers, petals, and blood instead of living without pain, instead of living without love.
But what even is living if it's without Diluc?
“Kae.” A deep, familiar voice brought Kaeya back to reality. “Are you there?”
Hearing the footsteps, Kaeya immediately wiped his tears, only to find out that he just stained his face with blood. Choking the flowers back, Kaeya struggled to stand up and calm down, panicking nonetheless.
“I'm here,” Kaeya managed to call out, wiping his face and hand with the clean tissue he found. “Do you need anything?”
Kaeya's heart thumped, even more, when Diluc didn't answer and silence was but the only thing that resonated in the area. Sweat went on to dribble down his skin, sticking his clothes to his body. Biting himself hard on the lips, Kaeya swallowed the thorny flowers back his throat. Perhaps it's because he's nearing his end that the pain seems to be amplified to the point that he can't even breathe through his nose. To the point that he feels like someone's torturing him to death.
“Do you need anything? " This time, Kaeya repeated, pissed at how Diluc was acting.
“...I don't,” Diluc finally spoke. “But have you seen any bouquet of blue roses on my table earlier?”
Kaeya almost threw up all the flowers he was forced to swallow. “I didn't,” He bit his lips hard enough that it started to bleed. “The restroom is such an undignified place to talk, Diluc. ”
Diluc. Even his name was painful to say.
“Let us talk later when the environment is adequate.” Diluc eventually got the hint and went back to his office room which made Kaeya's situation better. The blue-haired never once thought that he'd wish to get away from Diluc's presence.
It was too painful to stay.
“Remember what I said about favors?” Kaeya started the conversation right after he entered Diluc's office, clothes switched out to a new one.
“...hmm, I do.” Diluc glanced at the blue-haired. “What about it?”
“Do me a favor.” Kaeya gave a smile. “Can your heart rate rise even just a bit for me ?” He bit hard on his lower lip and stared right into Diluc's eyes who had no emotion on them. “Would you be so kind and fall in love with me? ”
Oh, the wonders of an illusion. As if Kaeya would have the courage to ask that kind of favor.
“I've been thinking about it and I think you're right,” Kaeya smiled. “That's how you always are.”
Kaeya left the office without even giving Diluc the chance to talk and ask about the roses.
It's been three weeks since then. Three weeks since Diluc had stopped receiving flowers. Three weeks since Kaeya disappeared from everyone's sight. Three weeks since the blue-haired spoke to him.
And on January 24, year unknown, Diluc finally received a bouquet. Unlike the usual blue roses without containers, the one he received that day was placed in a vase and was tainted not with blue, but with an absence of color and light.
A bouquet of black roses.
Instantly, Diluc had a bad feeling. He thought he needed to find Kaeya.
But it was all too late. It was all in vain. Because Kaeya himself went back. With a smile on his face, with nothing but the bright aura on his back.
“Kaeya.” He called.
But Kaeya didn't look at him and didn't answer his call.
Diluc once again, called, in a louder voice. “Kaeya.”
Kaeya. Kaeya, Kaeya. Kaeya. Diluc desperately called.
And then he was gone.
Instead of the office, Diluc stood in breezy weather, where the grass touched his pants and the scent of flowers was around the sky. Where everyone disappeared in his sight and all there ever was, is Kaeya, lying on the grass with his eyes closed.
“Kaeya,” Diluc tried to call, but no words came out of his mouth. It seems that Kaeya did hear him though; the blue-haired glancing at him.
“Diluc.”
“Diluc, wake up. ”
“Kaeya's long gone.”
Diluc, remember,