Archive of Our Own ^beta

Oh, we left it all unspoken

Oh, we buried it alive

And now it's screaming in my head

Oh, I shouldn't go on hoping

Oh, that you will change your mind

And one day we could start again

Well I don't care if loneliness kills me

I don’t wanna love somebody else

 

- I don’t wanna love somebody else by A Great Big World

It feels like Marcus has loved Esca for so long that all the time he hasn’t known Esca is just a grey mess of nothing. He has loved Esca so much that letting go feels impossible. So he has kept holding on to Esca despite knowing Esca doesn’t remember them together. Because they were friends before they were anything else and Marcus thought that would be enough. For a whole year he has told himself it is. 

(It isn’t). 

So when Esca tells him, during one night out after work, that he’s been seeing someone, Marcus’ heart takes a nose-dive and whatever is left of it burns in the flames. 

“I met her at work” Esca continues, voice low, almost embarrassed as he absentmindedly taps at his beer bottle. 

Marcus can’t breathe. 

Desperately he glances around the table to see if any of their friends might have noticed. Cottia’s eyes meet him first, green and worried. Her smile quivers, trying so hard not to fall into the realm of pity. 

Marcus can’t do this. 

The tears are already burning behind his eyes as he gathers up his coat. Esca still doesn’t meet his eyes and Marcus knows he can’t demand that of him, because he doesn’t remember. He doesn’t remember that he has loved Marcus for the past few years. He doesn’t know that Marcus was ready to propose. He wants to be angry, but he has no one to be angry at because this isn’t even Esca’s fault. 

Marcus has tried. He has tried so damn hard to be supportive through it all. To be a good friend if he can’t be anything more. So he tries, wrecks his mind for the right words and ends up saying: “If she makes you happy…”

He can’t even complete the sentence before he feels bile rising in his throat and he has to push back from the table. Without explanation or a goodbye he rushes outside. 

He manages to make it a couple of feet down the street before he needs to bend over, dry heaving. 

There is a tapping of heels against the concrete behind him. Then Cottia’s hand is resting between his shoulder blades. 

He retches a bit more. The wind is biting, clawing at their skin, digging beneath their clothes as if it wants to get in. Somewhere deep and inescapable. 

“Marcus” Cottia hums, her voice has always had a song in it. That’s how Esca used to describe it, as if her voice naturally strung words together until they sounded like poetry. Marcus had laughed when Esca, drunkenly, had tried to make his point. Now he misses that moment so hard he is breaking with it. 

“I know I should let him go…” His breathing is ragged and there’s nothing he can do to not make it so. “But I… I don’t know…” how? How do you let go of the best thing you’ve ever had? 

“I know, I’m so sorry” she tells him, repeating the words over and over until it's just background noise to his crying. By that point she has wrapped her arms around him and he feels like she is the only thing keeping him together and as much as he loves her for it, the arms are wrong. They’re not his. 

Eventually Cottia starts shivering against him and he realises that she hadn’t grabbed her coat in her hurry to follow him. 

“You should get back inside” he manages once the hiccuping has stopped. 

She’s quick to reassure him, though Marcus can clearly see how she is gritting her teeth against the biting cold so he tells her he’s fine and gently pushes her back towards the entrance. 

“Promise you’ll text me when you get home” 

Marcus just nods. 

“What will I tell them?” she continues and all Marcus can do is stare at her. 

What could she tell them? That Marcus stills loves Esca more than anything and that he’s held on to a dying hope for way too long already? 

It’s obvious Esca’s memories aren’t coming back. 

“I need time” he settles on eventually. “To sort myself out. Tell him… Tell him that I want him to be happy. That’s all”

Cottia nods, and if Marcus didn’t know her better, he would say she has tears in her eyes. 

Marcus considers hailing a taxi, but eventually decides against it. He needs to feel the air. He’s too unsettled to pack himself into the backseat of a car, he needs to roam. Lose himself in something else than his own emotions. The trek home to his apartment takes him half an hour. They always go to the place closest to Placidus or he’ll throw a fit, because no matter what the nickname implies, Placidus is neither placid nor gentle.

The lift is still out of order, as it was when he and Esca first moved in, as it will be the day the bricks crumble in heaps around it. He’s soon up on the landing though. The key gets stuck as always and it seems that no amount of oiling the key-hole will make it easier. There is a joke in here, a rude one Esca always liked to remind him of when they stumbled in late at night. Limbs all tangled up, too drunk to actually do anything other than fall into bed and then fall asleep. 

More than anything, Marcus misses sleeping with Esca wrapped up in his arms. Misses his snoring, even though Esca denied ever doing it. Misses all the times he accidentally kneed Marcus in his bad leg because Esca is never still, not even in sleep. 

Marcus stares at the empty bed and realises he can’t sleep another night alone in it. Not while knowing that as he thinks about holding Esca, Esca is lying in his own bed, in his new apartment, thinking about someone else. 

Marcus’ been meaning to visit his uncle, his only remaining relative, up in Silchester, for some while now and he thinks that this might be as good a time as any. So he packs his bag with the necessities, and then some more. The things he can’t live without while pretending the objects could somehow replace Esca. Yeah, he’ll go to his uncle’s estate. Just for a while, he tells himself. Until he knows what to do with himself. Uncle Aquila would understand. Marcus just needs to get away. 

When he’s done packing, he decides to continue being impulsive by not sleeping on it and stuffs everything into the backseat of his Fiat 500, that according to Liathan looks like a clown car in comparison to Marcus built, but that Marcus affectionately keeps because it’s easily parked and it’s Italian. He feels like he owes it to his father’s side of the family. 

Before he leaves London, he does one last reckless thing. He drives past Esca’s apartment block, even though it’s a detour, and because he can’t just drive past, he parks his car a few streets over and tries to talk himself out of this. But he loses the argument against himself and steps out of the car. 

He walks in circles for a bit, thinking he can delay the inevitable but soon enough he is standing on the street in front of Esca’s apartment building. The biting November rain is cascading down over him and for a moment it feels almost like a funeral. He can’t decide whether that makes leaving easier or not. 

He looks up to Esca’s window, seeing that there is still a light on and he does his very best not to imagine Esca getting ready for bed, even as he knows the routine intimately. A part of him wants to just catch a glimpse of him, just seeing him one more time. But he doesn’t think he can leave if he actually were to see Esca’s sharp jawline and those intelligent, all-seeing eyes. 

In the end he just stands there, allowing himself to get absolutely soaked until he is a shivering mess, hoping against hope to catch the sight of a shadow moving behind the blinds. 

“You’re free now, my friend” he whispers before he leaves. The words sound stupid even as they leave his mouth and they don’t bring the sort of catharsis he might have hoped for. The tears blend into the rain already wetting his cheeks and he walks back to the car and heads north. 

Stephanos, his uncle’s butler, meets him on the doorstep. 

“What on earth are you doing here in the middle of the night?”
It’s getting closer to morning than anything else. The sun will soon be over the horizon, that is to say, if the rain will stop. 

“Stephanos, who is it?” calls his uncle’s voice from inside the house and like a child, something in Marcus keens at hearing the voice and he just wants to be picked up and carried like he was when he was still a kid. Have someone hug him tight, keep him sheltered from the nightmares and kiss the bruises better. 

“It’s Marcus” Stephanos calls back. 

“Marcus?” Then his uncle is at the door, his thick white-eyebrows raised up to his hairline. “My boy, why didn’t you call?”

“I…” Marcus starts but can’t make his voice work. “I needed… away. It’s wasn’t… planned”
“Oh, you must be freezing!” Stephanos hurries him inside. 

Absentmindedly, he shrugs out of his coat and lets Stephanos take care of it as his uncle leads him towards the kitchen. 

While they’re seated, Stephanos bustles around preparing tea. His uncle grabs his hands in his own wrinkled ones and by just gazing into his eyes he seems to understand. It’s a look that says: You don’t need to tell me, I know. 

And Marcus has decided that he’s cried enough on this subject for one night, so he sits in silence, sipping his tea absentmindedly. His mind is somewhere far from his uncle’s kitchen in Silchester. 

oOo

Take your eyes off of me so I can leave

I’m far too ashamed to do it with you watching me

 

- Love in the dark by Adele

 

 

After he had been released from the hospital, Esca had stayed a short time in what apparently was his and Marcus’ apartment. It was full of memories of a life Esca had no memory of living. There was just one bedroom, and while Marcus slept on the couch, Esca still felt uncomfortable occupying the bed. As if he was nothing more than an intruder. 

This wasn’t his life anymore. 

There was just one thing worse than his own disorientation, and that was the constant looks of gut-wrenching worry and hurt that Marcus struggled not to drown him with. Esca couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t be what Marcus expected him to be. The more time he spent stuck in the apartment, trying to recollect memories that weren’t coming forth, the more he began to feel like an imposter. This wasn’t fair on either of them. So after a couple of weeks he moved in with Liathan and Finn instead. Thinking that maybe, with some time, his memories would come back and in the meantime, the strain on his and Marcus’ friendship would hopefully lessen. 

Still on sick-leave, he settled into waiting. 

But nothing came. 

No memories resurfaced, apart from splintered images without context with which he could piece nothing together. Nothing made sense. In the lost years, for that was the only way he knew how to refer to them, Liathan had grown less bitter. It was odd, seeing him somewhat at peace with life, when Esca still so vividly remembered the lingering despair after his girlfriend had walked out on him and their son. And Finn, well, Finn was a lot older than Esca remembered, having shot up from the ground like weed. Not yet a teenager, but on the verge of breaching that line. Esca didn’t know how to talk to him anymore, how to approach him. He’d baby-sat this kid since the very beginning and now they didn’t know each other anymore. 

In the meantime, Cottia had started dating Liathan’s sister, Aileen. Esca remembered a time when Liathan would knife anyone for even trying. 

But the thing he still couldn’t wrap his mind around was Marcus. They rarely saw each other ever since Esca had moved out, Marcus having allowed himself to get swallowed up by his work. Now they only saw each other when their friends were around. Which felt odd, because what he last remembered was seeing Marcus all the time . They’d just hang out, nothing more but still, Esca didn’t spend a single day without seeing or calling him. And now Marcus was as fleeting as shadow. He guessed he could understand him, after all, Esca was supposed to love Marcus, be in love with him. The problem was that Esca just couldn’t remember the point in time that had tipped their almost brother-like friendship in that direction. He didn’t remember falling in love with Marcus and eventually he was forced to tell him just as much. 

It was an awkward conversation, taking place in Liathan’s living room. It felt like walking on eggshells, and Esca had never been the kind to tread lightly. 

“I just don’t…” Esca began, not sure how to continue. He was staring down at his black coffee as if it would provide any answers. He took a deep, shuddering breath, gathering strength. “You’re my best friend but that’s… That’s it.”

Marcus refrained from reaching out, though Esca could see how much he wanted to. He could see the fires of hope still burning in Marcus’ eyes, and something ugly twisted in his stomach at the sight. He felt stuck, and though never having been a coward, Esca desperately wanted to run away. From this conversation. From Marcus’ heartbreak. 

“Maybe we could…I don’t know, try? Go on a date, just… see if it leads somewhere. No obligations, just…” 

“Considering you’ve been avoiding me…” 

Marcus’ desperation was almost too much to look at. “I’m sorry, let’s just…”

Esca forced himself to meet Marcus’ eyes, knowing he at least deserved that much. 

“Marcus, I’m just not in love with you” right now. 

oOo

And all that we have will be locked into memory

Like everything that we’ve had before

So I will stay awake

And I will watch the fire burning

And keep the hungry wolves from the door

 

- Underwater bride by Passenger

Marcus calls in sick and sleeps until the afternoon in the room that had been dubbed his after the time he spent there during his recovery. When he finally wakes up, the sun is already on its path down and the slanted light is spreading a warm glow over the river. He can see it without even needing to leave bed. 

The first time he had brought Esca here, they’d spent a lazy afternoon playing poker in bed with the springtide as backdrop. It had been the first time that he had been able to associate that room with something other than pain and frustration. So many of his memories with Esca had been just that; not simply firsts, but firsts on a path to happiness. He feels stupid for not having cherished all those moments more then. 

Eventually he manages to drag himself out of bed and through the shower before he joins his uncle and Stephanos for dinner. They’re both giving him looks of pity and commiseration when they think he can’t see them, though his uncle has always had a better poker face than Stephanos. 

They’re eating a roast of some sort. He barely notices the taste, only vaguely registering the texture of meat on his tongue. Right now good food is a waste on him, but he eats because he knows he needs to. As soon as he’s done he thanks Stephanos, nods at his uncle and heads back to his room. 

He ends up on his side in bed, staring out at the river outside. Watches it as if he can trace every drop of water flow by in an intricate weave. Eventually the sun is gone and the house is wrapped in darkness. He stays awake watching the river, only falling asleep when the first beams of light hits his ceiling. 

The cycle repeats for the following few days. 

He can hear worried steps outside his door, followed by hushed voices. It reminds him of the time after his discharge. But unlike last time his uncle isn’t trying to force him out into the real world, instead he lets Marcus’ stew in his grief. Because yes, he is finally mourning. Until now he had been so caught up in holding together Pandora’s box, fearful to let the last hope slip out. But Esca had torn the box from his grasp and as it fell to the floor between them, the lid had slipped loose. 

Eventually his boss calls him. Marcus expects a “What the hell are you up to?” but instead he gets a: “How much time do you need?” and Marcus thinks he could cry in relief. 

It takes another two days, during which Marcus has become more recognizably human again, before Placidus, of all people, shows up on his uncle’s doorstep and drags Marcus out for a walk. 

Marcus doesn’t mind Placidus’ company, of course he doesn’t, otherwise they wouldn’t be friends. It’s just that… apart from both of them having families who migrated to Britain, they have very little in common, and the truth of it becomes unavoidable whenever they spend longer times alone with each other. But Placidus is there, it is more than could be said about his other friends right now.

They are slowly making their way along the riverbank, following treadup paths towards the city centre. It’s quite a bit of walking to get there. 

“Did you know that Silchester used to be an old Roman town?” Placidus asks. 

Marcus holds a low hanging branch up so that they can both pass beneath it, while he does his very best to bite his tongue. 

“Yes” he says. “It’s why Uncle decided to move here” 

Placidus bites his lower lip. “Right”

Marcus’s uncle is an author of Roman military history. There is nothing of historical interest in Silchester that he hasn’t told Marcus about at least a billion of times. 

They fall silent. 

The path is slippery from all the November rain and the wind doesn’t exactly invite to a peaceful Sunday stroll either. Marcus’ leg doesn’t enjoy the cold, wet weather while Placidus is wearing a pair of fine leather Oxfords and his tweed coat.

“So…” Placidus begins after a while, but interrupts himself by cursing. For one as occupied with presenting the perfect image, Placidus swears like a sailor. It is one of his most redeeming qualities. “Esca is straight now?”

“Fuck you”

“I just mean… Can you forget your own sexuality?”

Marcus grits his teeth against Placidus’ stupidity. He’s the most closeted of closeted men Marcus has ever had the misfortune to meet and he’d spent five years in the army.

“Esca was always bi”

“Oh, okay” Placidus picks a twig out of his hair and as he holds it clenched between his fingers, his eyes go wide with a sort of incredulity at its audacity to stick in his hair of all people’s. It’s so stupid and yet it sets Marcus off into a fit of laughter. The incredulous look then shifts to him and Marcus only laughs harder. 

“What?” Placidus asks. “What now?” 

“You’re ridiculous” Marcus says, still chuckling. “You come dressed in your Sunday fucking best and drag me out on a march through the mud”

“What about it?” 

“Just… you and your limp wrist wouldn’t survive a day in the army” 

Placidus pushes his nose into the air with a huff. “Like you and your limp leg?”

“Okay, fuck you”

“Too soon?” 

Placidus looks to smug for his own good so Marcus ends up hitting him in the shoulder. 

Eventually they reach the outskirts of the town centre, and with one shared look they head for the closest bus stop. The bench is a bit wet, but Marcus doesn’t really care and with relief sits down to stretch out his leg with a small sigh. Placidus remains standing, hands in his coat pockets, rolling on his feet. 

“The government should really invest more in public transport.”

Marcus rolls his eyes. “Stop voting Tory and it might” 

Placidus looks at him as if Marcus has just offended his entire family and well, he might as well have. Placidus' grandparents might have been immigrants like Marcus’, but in comparison Placidus' family had always been rich and ambitious. His parents had sent him off to Eton without even looking at the price tag. 

“Harhar” 

“Why did you even come here?” Marcus asks, feeling like a snake darting in for the kill. 

This time Placidus stares at him as if he’s the one who’s stupid. “Because you’re my friend.”

And yeah, Marcus knew that but at the same time it catches him off-guard to hear Placidus admit it so openly. He can’t be arsed to stand up until the bus actually comes but he reaches up to squeeze Placidus' arm. 

“Thank you” 

Placidus immediately goes rigid, his face scrunching up as if he’s full of gases. His tell-tale expression when someone else’s emotions makes him uncomfortable. Liathan always says it’s the reason he can’t score any dates. (Marcus secretly thinks that the reason why Placidus isn’t dating is because he doesn’t like children and Liathan unfortunately has a son).

“Whatever” Placidus shrugs after a moment and Marcus releases him in time for the bus to roll in before them and they go back to the house.

oOo

How long, baby, have I been away?

Oh, it feels like ages though you say it's only days.

 

- Meet me in the woods by Lord Huron

Esca didn’t know what had happened. He had woken up in a hospital bed, the room a bleak beige colour and the smell of antiseptics lay heavy in the air. His head hurt and there was an ache to the rest of him as well. Like a bruise you press your thumb into, just to see how much you could take. 

In the span of maybe five minutes he had been awake, there was only one thing he could say with a certainty that he knew. 

Marcus.

Esca had never had a so-called ‘best friend’. Not because he didn’t have a steady stream of friends and acquaintances, some for whom he’d probably take a bullet, knowing they would do it in turn. But he found the whole idea that one friend would be better than the rest to be utterly idiotic. Like how did you even measure something like that? Did you have your friends compete for the spot? He still had most of his childhood friends left in his life, a few who had even followed him to London. People who’d seen him at his best and at his absolute worst. Still, they were just his friends, nothing more but also nothing less.

That was until he met Marcus Aquila. And by god had he hated the bloody prick at the start, but Marcus was the kind of stubborn that just grew on you and recently he had become, for lack of better words, Esca’s best friend. 

And there he was, sleeping in a hospital bed with his head tilted in an angle that was bound to ruin his neck. Esca should probably save him from that fate, but he was too stunned by the look of him to think of much of anything else. He looked… different. There was a scar crossing his eyebrow. His face looked padded out and his hair was longer than Esca remembered. It had just been a couple of days since he had last seen him, hadn’t it? Marcus had always kept his hair incredibly short, not quite a buzz-cut but still not far from it. It was just one of those things he hadn’t been able to shake from his army life.

Sp how the hell had he been able to grow his hair out this much in just a couple of days?

Wait, fuck, had he been a coma?

The thought distracted him for long enough that he didn’t realise Marcus had woken up until the man was grabbing his hand. 

“Esca, you’re awake!” 

His hand was warm, his eyes shining with tears. His hair was too long and there were wrinkles around his eyes that Esca had never noticed before. Everything was wrong.

Esca’s throat was dry. “What happened?” 

“You were in a car accident” Marcus explained, his thumb stroking over Esca’s skin. The touch was too intimate. “Fuck, Esca, I’m so…”

There were a hundred questions running through his mind. When had the car accident been? Why was Marcus touching him like that? Shouldn’t he call a doctor or a nurse? How long had he been in the hospital? How bad were his injuries? When would he get released? His exams were coming up soon, he needed to get back to studying. Why was Marcus still holding his hand?

Esca drew back as subtly as he could. “What the fuck have you done to your hair?” 

Marcus startled, staring at him while subconsciously reaching up to touch his bangs. It didn’t look bad, just… odd. Specifically odd on Marcus. 

“What about it? I thought you liked it” 

“Eh, I’ve never seen it like this before”

“Esca…” Marcus reached out again to touch Esca’s cheek. His touch was light and sent a shiver down Esca’s spine. 

“What are you doing?” 

Marcus froze. “I’m just… What is the last thing you remember?”

Esca stared at him for a long while. Marcus had retracted his hand but he seemed reluctant to back up. 

That was a stupid question. Esca had just been in a car accident… Or at least that is what Marcus had said. He couldn’t remember it. He didn’t have a car so obviously he hadn’t been driving. Had someone hit him? Had he been sitting in the passenger seat? Is that why Marcus looked so stricken? Had Marcus been the one driving? No, he didn’t have any scars or bruises. What had actually happened?

The last thing he remembered? Who fucking remembered the last thing they remembered? Isn’t remembering a memory of its own?

Before his inner eye, he sees Finn sitting on his couch with a colouring book while Esca is on the phone with Marcus. Liathan should have picked Finn up half an hour ago, but his work days are always unpredictable. Esca has his course books open on the kitchen counter. He should be studying, but he has purposefully called Marcus to avoid it. 

“Studying” Esca said after a moment. 

“Studying?”

“Yeah, for my bloody finals”

“Your finals?” Marcus stared at him and it was starting to become unnerving. 

“How else am I going to pass my courses?”

Marcus suddenly rose from his seat. His face had gone blank, which Esca had learnt by now to interpret as him being freaked out by something but not wanting to worry anyone else.

“I’m getting the doctor” he said, before he crossed the room. His usual limp worsened by having been seated for so long, making him look a bit like a wooden figure. It would be sort of funny if Esca didn’t know he was probably in pain and the situation had started to become creepy. Soon Marcus was out in the corridor, gone from Esca’s sight. 

What the bloody hell was going on?

oOo

Maybe it's all gonna turn out alright

And I know that it's not, but I have to believe that it is

- Appointments by Julien Baker

After waving Placidus off, Marcus goes to his uncle’s office and without invitation he sits himself down on the sofa beneath the large window. His uncle briefly looks up from his typewriter. He has always been the old-fashioned sort, it probably comes with being a historian. When Marcus was younger, his uncle had shown him how to use it and he’d become quite proficient at it, so when Marcus had lived here after his discharge and felt particularly useless, his uncle would let him write while he dictated. It gave him some sense of purpose for a couple of hours and taught him more about Roman Britain than he had ever wished to learn. 

“Your friends always boggle me” his uncle says absentmindedly, his gaze back on his work. 

Marcus chuckles. “How so?” 

His uncle merely shrugs. “They’re never what I expect them to be” 

“You were the one to introduce us” Marcus says, before lying down on his back to stretch his leg out better. It is true that his leg didn’t favour the weather, but it is also true that for the past year, Marcus hasn’t trained as much as he should to keep the muscle mass up. Other things than his own health had occupied his mind.

“Well, I suppose” his uncle says, then glances up at Marcus again. “Leg troubling you?”

“Among other things” Marcus tries to shrug, but it’s kind of hard when lying down. He goes quiet for a moment, simply watching as the tapering light travels across the room. He takes a deep breath and gathers his courage. “How… How did you move on after Julia?”

The typing that had filled the room stops abruptly and his uncle pushes back from his desk. Marcus watches the firm set of his thin lips as he moves to the liquor-cabinet. 

“Do you want some sherry?” 

Marcus has always found sherry to be a bit too sweet for his taste, but he nods all the same and scoots over on the sofa to give his uncle space to sit down. His uncle hands him a glass. 

“Saluti!”

Marcus takes a sip and watches as his uncle empties half of his glass in one gulp. 

“Julia” he murmures. She had been his wife, had gotten an untreatable strain of cancer and died just a couple of years after they had gotten married. Marcus doesn’t remember ever having met her, but he knows there exists a photo of him sitting in her lap. “I don’t think you ever do. You simply learn to live with it”

Marcus nods, a bit dismayed. 

“Not what you wished to hear?” his uncle guesses. 

Marcus tries to laugh but it comes out as nothing else than a wet sound. “I know it’s not the same, but I feel like a widower sometimes. People treat me like he’s gone, but he’s… alive. He’s still alive”

There is sadness in the tilt of his uncle’s lips before he wraps his arm around Marcus’ shoulders and holds him. Just… holds him. 

“Does one ever get used to losing people?”

“No” his uncle shakes his head. “Not as long as we keep loving them”

He doesn’t know whether that is reassuring or not. 

They sit like that for a moment until his uncle says he needs to get back to work. Marcus decides to pick up a book from the shelf and lies back down. It ends up being one about Scotland, because of course it is. They stay like that in a peaceful silence, only interrupted by his uncle’s typing and his own turning of pages. Stephanos comes knocking in time for dinner. 

It’s fish this evening. 

Stephanos is talking about something he heard on the news, but Marcus struggles to follow. He thinks about the book on Scotland and it doesn’t quite leave his mind as he heads to bed. 

As he’s about to go brush his teeth, he ends up calling Liathan instead. 

He doesn’t even have time to say hello before Liathan spews out: “What the fuck have ye been up to? Esca’s been worried fucking sick about ye. Could at least have bloody called him, ye cunt!”

His heart stutters. That part that still is, and might always be, hopelessly in love with Esca whines at the words. While a recent resentment that has been growing in unwatched moments rears its ugly head and he thinks that Esca has no right to worry about him anymore.

“He could have called me.” Marcus mutters. He knows it’s childish, but he can’t help it. “I’ve been staying with my uncle.”

“Yeah, a fucking know. Placidus told me” 

“So, what’s the big deal then?”

“Ye cannae cut him loose” Liathan says, his voice having calmed down a bit but still as accusing as ever. “He’s still yer friend”

Marcus decides to ignore him, with a twinge of guilt twisting his heart. Instead he asks the thing he called for in the first place. 

“Your uncle still has that cottage up in the highlands?” 

“Yeah, what about it?” Liathan asks, seemingly uninterested. 

“Think I can rent it for a week?” 

That grabs his attention and he asks: “Ye’r going to Scotland?” 

Marcus shrugs, watching himself through the mirror. He looks taunt, aged, and he thinks, foolishly perhaps, that the highland air might do him some good.  

“Why not?” Marcus says. 

“In fucking December?” Liathan asks. “Ye’r not going hiking, ye suicidal prick!”

“I promise” Marcus says, only slightly offended. “I just think I need some time away from everything”
“Yeah?” Liathan asks. “How are ye?” 

“Not great”

“A’m sorry” the silence stretches out a bit. They’ve never had much of a heart to heart, unless you count that one time Liathan almost knifed him because he thought Marcus was hitting on his sister and they ended up having a screaming match instead. But that was early on in their friendship, after Esca had just introduced them. It slowly got better after that, and when Marcus and Esca started dating, both Marcus and Liathan decided to actually make an effort to get along. For Esca’s sake. 

“Ye know, Finn’s been asking about ye”

“Finn? Why would Finn be asking about me?”

“Escapes me” Liathan says, and then after a moment. “He doesn’t really get why ye and Esca ain’t together anymore. Thinks that if Esca still remember he loves him, Esca should remember he loves ye too”

Marcus sighs. “If only it was that easy”

“Yeah, kid’s logic is mad”

Marcus can’t help but laugh at that and he suspects that was Liathan’s intention because he can hear a weirdly content hum. Since they don’t have much else to talk about they soon hang up. Marcus tells him to say hi to Finn and to tell Esca he’s doing okay, all things considered. Liathan hums non-committedly, but at least he doesn’t call him a cunt again so Marcus supposes he will actually do as told for once.

oOo

And I'd rather be sad with you

Than anywhere away from you

And hey

I can't believe I captured your heart

 

- Wake Me by Bleachers

Esca had been casting glances at the clock every other minute now. The meeting should have ended half an hour ago but one of Esca’s colleagues had dragged a query out into absurdum. For the past fifteen minutes, Esca had wanted to strangle him, consequences be damned. Marcus would probably visit him in jail anyway, or maybe they could run away á la Bonnie and Clyde. The thought of him and Marcus in a shoot-out was so amusing that it kept him from tapping his fingers on the table. Eventually even his boss was starting to grow sick of the whole thing and with a loud sigh and a “It doesn’t look like we’re getting any further on this subject today” she rose from her seat and dismissed them.

Esca refrained from running, at least until he was out of the door at which point he threw caution to the wind. He rushed by his desk to grab his stuff before he headed towards the elevator. 

It was Friday, who the fuck let meetings run overtime on a Friday? Esca was pressing the button for the entrance floor, while rolling on his feet impatiently. He sent a quick text off to Marcus, telling him he was on his way and that Marcus wouldn’t need to send him letters in prison. Marcus sent him a couple of question marks and then a couple of hearts.

Marcus had booked them a table at the very same restaurant that they had had their first proper date. When Esca had asked what the special occasion was, Marcus had simply smiled at him and backed out the front door. That smug smile had been on Esca’s mind for the rest of the day. At lunch he even called him to try and wheedle it out of him, but Marcus had only laughed at him before hanging up. It had pissed Esca off enough to finish his work in time to have a fifteen minute break before the meeting.

The restaurant wasn’t far from Esca’s office so instead of trying to get a hold of a taxi, he decided to just jog. Marcus had forced him out on enough runs that Esca had actually become a pretty good sprinter, but he wasn’t that desperate… yet. Though curiosity was starting to get the better of him. 

He rounded the corner and hurried on. Soon enough he could see the sign across the street. There was a familiar figure pacing back and forth a bit off to the side. The honourable bastard! Every bloody time he would rather wait outside in the cold for Esca, than go inside alone. 

Esca cupped his hands around his mouth. “Marcus!”

He watched as Marcus glanced up and then slowly his lips stretched out into one of his brilliant smiles. It didn’t matter how many times Esca had seen that smile directed at him, he would always be equally stunned by it. He had a brief moment to think about how unlikely it was that they had ever met, even more unlikely that they would ever get together. 

As he started to cross the street he thought about how lucky he was. 

Then the car hit. 

oOo

Morning will come,

And I'll do what's right;

Just give me till then

To give up this fight.

 

- I can’t make you love me by Bonnie Raitt

The next morning Marcus starts his day by calling Mr. Guern. 

Mr. Guern is the director of the Veteran programme that Marcus went to when he’d come back from his last tour, an honourable discharge in his hand and no will to live. Going to the group sessions had been hard in the beginning, but doing it had slowly given him a sense of purpose when he realised that he wasn’t alone and he could help others like him, so after a while he started to volunteer at the Center. Eventually Mr. Guern approached him with an offer of hiring Marcus. He’d asked for some time to think about it, and then promptly gone home in something of a daze. It was one thing to volunteer when and where he could, another thing entirely to have the pressure of employment upon him. Not to even speak of the fact that he was so unqualified for it. He’d told his friends later and Esca had almost shoved him off the stool when Marcus told them he considered saying no. “Are you fucking mentally impaired as well? You love that place!”

So thanks to Esca’s stubbornness and straightforwardness, Marcus got a job. 

“Hello, Marcus” Mr. Guern greets him. “Are you coming back to us yet?”

Marcus looks at the river outside, tapping his finger against the wall. “Actually… I was thinking about taking some vacation days, and I can work over Christmas instead, if you need me”

“Oh… Well, that sounds like a good enough deal” Mr. Guern says. “Are you going on a trip?”
“Yeah, Scotland. Renting a friend’s uncle’s cottage, I just need… time”

When Esca had first told him he didn’t love him anymore, it hadn’t been as devastating as Marcus thought it should have been. He had thrown himself into work, thinking it would work itself out somehow. But hope was deadly. Now Esca was no longer available, there was nothing left to wait for, and he couldn’t take going back to work just yet. Mr. Guern was a very understanding man. He’d seen battles more gruesome than Marcus could imagine, and he’d never looked down at anyone for being affected by their mental wounds. His mantra very much being: If you weren’t there, you can’t judge. 

And so he isn’t judging Marcus now, even if it’s a year after the accident and anyone else would expect him to have moved on, but Mr. Guern knows that time means nothing and healing is not linear.

“Enjoy your vacation then, and I’ll see you when you’re ready” 

Marcus thanks him, and with a lighter chest he goes down to breakfast and declares his attention to travel. 

“Is that so?” his uncle says, raising his eyebrows. 

“Yeah, I just need to go back to my flat and re-pack”

“I hope you don’t intend to hike in this gruesome weather?” 

Marcus sighs. “I’m not actually that stupid. I’ll probably just sit in front of the fire and read”

His uncle gives him a concerned look but doesn’t say anything else. He has come to understand that questioning Marcus will only cement his resolve further. 

After breakfast, Marcus decides it’s time to get going. He hugs both his uncle and Stephanos, thanking them both for allowing him to stay with them. 

“You're always welcome, son” his uncle reassures him. “Anytime” 

Marcus hugs him a second time just for that. 

Then he packs his bag into his tiny Fiat and heads back to London. 

His apartment is dark and smells of the thin layer of dust that has settled in his absence. He’s tired, but he knows he’d be doing himself a favour if he starts cleaning now before heading out on a new trip. So he drags out the vacuum cleaner from its hiding spot in the closet and he waters his dying plants. When he’s done, he remembers to send off a text to his friends that he’s back in London. Not even half an hour later, there is a knock at his door. With trepidation he moves to the hallway and glances through the peep-hole. He breathes a sigh of relief when he realises it’s just Cottia. 

“Heard you were heading to Scotland” she says in lieu of greeting him, wrapping her arms around his waist in an absentminded hug, before she shrugs off her coat, kicks off her shoes and goes to throw herself down on the couch. Marcus is left to stare after her in surprise. 

“Eh, yeah, I was gonna go tomorrow”

Cottia glances up at him over the back of the couch. “Good, I’m coming with you”

“You are?” 

“Well, you can’t go alone” she says with certainty, her phone is out and over her shoulder he can see that she is compiling a list of things to pack. 

He sighs and settles down beside her. “It was kinda the point, to go alone I mean.”

“We just don’t want you to do anything stupid”

“Why is everyone convinced that I’ll commit suicide by hiking? I’m fine!”

“You’re not really fine though” Cottia says matter of factly, while patting his bad leg consolingly. “It’s Esca really. He’s worried about you”

“No, he feels guilty, there’s a difference”
Cottia gives him a very stern, reproving look. “He may not be in love with you, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. Now, you and me are going to go to Scotland and when we come back, you’re gonna behave yourself”

“I am behaving myself!”

“You’re running away.” Cottia shoots back. “How many times have you and Esca just hung out without the rest of us being around since he moved out?”

Marcus doesn’t really have to think very hard on that one. “I suppose waiting for the rest of you doesn't count?” 

“No, it really doesn’t” 

“Fine, I’ll see what I can do about it when we get back”

“Pinky-promise” Cottia says, thrusting her pinky forward. 

Marcus stares at her. 

“We’re adults!” He protests but she’s unrelenting. Eventually he gives in and closes his own pinky around hers, wondering when in their friendship she had become the little sister he had never asked for. 

oOo

We could let our friends crash in the living room

This is our place, we make the call

And I'm highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you

I've loved you three summers now, honey, but I want 'em all

 

- Lover by Taylor Swift

They were the perfect team, really. Esca liked to invite people over and Marcus, taking a lot of pride in his Italian heritage, wasn’t too bad in the kitchen. Actually, Esca hadn’t found a room he wasn’t good in yet. Marcus was standing by the stove, stirring his home-made tomato sauce when Esca crept up behind him and curled his arms around his waist. He pressed his face between Marcus’ shoulder blades and they just stood like that for a moment. 

“Everything alright?” Marcus wondered. 

Esca hummed. “Perfect”

And truly, it was. He didn’t think he’d felt this content with life since… well, probably since he was a kid. Marcus and him had just moved into their new apartment, their first together. They were creating a home, building a life. 

Marcus chuckled, glancing at him over his shoulder. “You know how much I love you, right?”

“Always” Esca said, then pushed himself up on his toes to kiss Marcus’ neck. “But no harm in a little reminder”

“Later maybe. Your guests should be coming here soon” 

“ My guests?” Esca squeezed his arms tighter around Marcus’ waist. “I’m gonna tell them that. I’m sure they’ll appreciate to know you’re not considering them your friends anymore”

Marcus shook his head, turning around to kiss Esca’s forehead. “You want me to cook for you or not?” 

Esca caught his lips. “You know what I want you to do, but you’re too busy making tomato sauce”

“Good god, you’re gross” a sharp voice interrupted them and they turned over to see Cottia and Sassticca standing in the doorway. Cottia had a feigned look of reproach on her face, while Sassticca did her best not to laugh at them.

“Stop barging in on people if you don’t wanna see stuff like this” Esca shot back. 

They had wine with them though, so Esca quickly forgave them. A moment later, Placidus arrived and then Liathan, Aileen, and Finn. 

Soon enough the pasta was done, the wine opened and they settled in around the kitchen table. Marcus placed his arm over Esca’s chair and Esca leaned his back against his side, while in the middle of listening to a joke Finn had heard in school. The kid loved having the attention of the entire table, and even though he botched the punch-line everyone laughed in genuine humour. Esca reached over and ruffled his hair. Not for the first time did Esca think about having children of his own. He just had to work Marcus around to the idea. With the soft look Marcus directed Finn’s way, he thought that maybe it wouldn’t be too hard. 

Aileen had baked a cake and after dinner they all jumped on it like starving rats. Esca, however, was soon full and offered what was left of his piece to Marcus. From the other end of the table, Cottia crowed. 

“This is so annoying, you’re bloody perfect for each other!”

“Jealous?” Esca asked. 

“Nah, it’s just her pride forbidding her to admit she’s secretly a romantic” Sassticca said. 

Cottia threw a balled up napkin at her. “Oi, pot meet kettle!” 

Esca glanced up at Marcus, who looked back at him with a sugar-sweet, love-struck expression and Esca had to suppress a laugh as he pushed his face into Marcus’ shoulder. 

oOo

We don't need our bags and we can just leave town

You can sit beside me when the world comes down

 

- Mona Lisa by The All-American Rejects

The snow begins falling just as they’re coming up on the driveway up to Liathan’s uncle’s cottage. Liathan had, in a rare moment of charity, insisted that they should not take Marcus’ car and hence had lent them his own pick-up. However he hadn’t been able to hand over the keys without throwing in a little threat as well. “If something happens to ma car, not even Esca can save yer sorry arse, ye hear me?”

“Loud and clear”

Marcus puts the car in park before the front step, then he nudges Cottia awake. She comes to groggily and spies up at the cottage. 

“Hm, it’s smaller than I imagined” 

“Really? What had you imagined?” 

Cottia merely shrugs and they look at each other briefly, steeling themselves before they head out in the snow. 

“We should celebrate Christmas here sometime” Cottia says seemingly out of nowhere as they’re grabbing their stuff from the backseat. 

“Trust me we won’t fit”

They hurry inside as fast as they can, stomping off the snow on the porch. It’s cold and Marcus heads to the living room to start up a fire in the stove while Cottia inspects the rooms. Thankfully Liathan’s uncle had provided them with enough firewood to last them for the few days they would be staying. 

When he’d gotten the fire started he rises back to his feet and notices the carpet. He thought Liathan’s uncle would have thrown it out long ago, but he supposes the man never noticed the stain. Marcus walks over to the sofa and peeks beneath it and there it is. When he and Esca had realised it wouldn’t wash away they had decided to just turn it around and hide it. He knew it was immature, but it wasn’t exactly like it was a wine stain. 

“You want the master?” Cottia shouts from further down the corridor. 

Marcus is still staring at the stain, memories of his and Esca’s first trip to the cottage resurfacing. 

“Marcus?”

“No” he calls back eventually. “You take it.”

It takes a moment but then Cottia’s voice calls out again. “You and Esca shagged in here, didn’t you?”

Marcus rises to his feet to walk over. He leans against the doorway to the master bedroom. Cottia looks up at him, curling her nose slightly. 

Marcus simply shrugs. “If it’s any consolation, we’ve kinda shagged everywhere”

“Seriously?” Cottia says, then she turns around to murmur to herself. “Guess it was a good idea to persuade him not to come then”

“What? Who?”

“Who do you think?” Cottia rolls her eyes, but then her eyes soften and she reaches over to nudge his arm. “When Liathan told us you were going to rent his uncle’s cottage, Esca insisted that he should come with you. No idea why, maybe he really thought you were going up here to off yourself” She shrugs slightly, and an uncomfortable, cold feeling creeps down Marcus back. “Me and Liathan eventually managed to talk him out of it”

Marcus can’t help himself. “Why?”

She raises her eyebrows at him, and Marcus eventually nods. His gaze drifts to the bed. 

“Yeah, maybe you’re right”

oOo

I don't think I have ever been in love like this before

Like the Holy Ghost is wrapped up in the clothes thrown on your floor

Please get too close to me

 

- Buzz by Maddie Medley

Esca helped Marcus up the steps to the cottage, his weight resting heavily against his shoulder, along with the water dripping from Marcus’ hair. Together they made it into the living room, where Esca dumped Marcus on the couch not too gently before he turned to start a fire. Hands shaking. 

“Esca?” Marcus called. 

“What?” Esca bit back without turning from his ministrations. The gods knew he couldn’t look Marcus in the eyes ever again. 

“When you’ve decided to talk to me again, there’s something I wanna tell you”

At that he couldn’t help but glance back over his shoulder where a soaking wet Marcus clutched his bad leg, grimacing in pain. They should probably go to the hospital and get it checked up, but the stubborn bastard had refused and Esca sure as hell wasn’t his mother, he wasn’t going to baby him. 

“And?” Esca prompted when Marcus kept silent. “What did you want to tell me?”
Marcus glanced up at him. The pain was still visible around the corners of his eyes, but he managed to produce a smile that was surprisingly heartfelt. 

“I’m in love with you too”

He said it as if it was the easiest thing in the world, when it had taken Esca rage, fear and frustration to string the words together. Esca was left to stare at him, the piece of wood he’d picked up fell from his grip. 

“Did you hit your head or something?”

Marcus only laughed at him as he slowly struggled up to his feet and went over to Esca, opening up his arms in invitation. “Come here”

Tentatively, Esca took a step closer, reaching for Marcus’ outstretched hand. Immediately Marcus pulled him closer, wrapping his arms around his waist. 

“Can I kiss you?” 

Esca swallowed. “Thought you’d never ask”
Marcus smiled and leaned in. His lips were warm and plush. Just as soft as Esca had always imagined them to be. The pressure was light, clearly Marcus was waiting for Esca to kiss back. When he finally did, Marcus’ lips parted for him and their tongues met, wet and velvety. Esca’s knees buckled under him, only Marcus' strong hands holding him up. Marcus tasted like fucking heaven and even better for the wait. He was everything Esca thought he’d never need. 

Like lightning, an acute need suddenly shot through him and Esca’s hands dug beneath Marcus’ sweater. Their kissing grew heated and urgent, as Esca finally got his hands on the expanse of Marcus’s firm stomach. His skin was cold from the stream and the biting winds hadn’t made it better. 

“Need to get you out of these clothes” Esca panted between the kisses. 

Marcus chuckled, chasing his lips to nip at them. “I knew you wanted to see me naked” 

“That too” Esca agreed, already in the process of pushing Marcus' sweater over his head. 

“You know” Marcus started, tracing a path down Esca’s throat with sweet, addictive kisses. “Body-heat is apparently good to gain back temperature”

“Yeah?” Esca asked only to moan as Marcus sucked at his pulsepoint. “Fuck!”

“You like that?” Marcus asked against his skin. 

“Yeah, fuck, get your clothes off!”

“Should we take this to the bedroom?” Marcus pulled back. He was smirking, the bastard. 

Esca traced his hand down inside of his trousers. “You really think you’ll last that long?”

“Esca” Marcus groaned, his bed leg deciding that was the moment to give in on him and they both sunk down to the carpet. 

Esca straddled Marcus' lap and tilted his head up to kiss him deeply. 

“On second thoughts” Marcus said once he let him up for air. “Here’s good”

“Yeah?” 

“Fuck yeah”

oOo

But I still get to see your face, right?

And that's like nothing they can take, right?

So there won't be no feeling in the firelight

 

- An evening I will not forget by Dermot Kennedy

Marcus works over Christmas, trying to keep himself as busy as possible. It’s a little sad perhaps that he’d rather spend his Christmas Day with traumatised vets than with his own friends right now, but he’s more than okay with the company. At least he isn’t alone and that’s always something. His uncle invited him for Christmas dinner and he’s sad he’s having to miss it, but that’s all in the choices he made. No one else to blame but himself.  

Two days before New Years he meets up with his friends in the evening. They’re finally to meet the mystical woman Esca’s met at work. The one who holds all that Marcus once held. 

Marcus hasn’t sweated this bad since that fateful day he had meant to propose. He tries on different outfits for almost an hour until he finally gives in and calls Cottia to help him out. For once, she doesn’t answer and Marcus is already running late so he just grabs a warm sweater on random, some black jeans and pulls on his coat over it. 

He grabs a taxi and somehow manages to be the first to arrive so he heads inside and grabs their usual table. The bartender greets him like an old family friend and they end up talking for a bit. He’s pleasant enough to converse with and, if Marcus is to be honest, he isn’t bad to look at either. Marcus surprises himself with that last part. It’s probably just nerves making his mind erratic. He catches himself before he can accidently start flirting. There are after all bad ideas and worse ideas.

Placidus arrives next, seemingly straight from work. He has weird work hours just like Marcus but gets better paid for it, hence the suit and tie. 

“Hello, how was Christmas?” he greets and they end up talking about their respective holidays spent working until Cottia and Aileen arrive, arm in arm. After them comes Sassticca, dressed in a short, black leather jacket despite it actually snowing outside. Aileen shudders just looking at her but Sassticca just shrugs. 

For every person arriving, Marcus feels his pulse rise in anticipation until he recognizes Esca’s familiar laugh. Past Placidus' head he watches as Esca leads a blonde woman over to the table with his hand low on her back. Marcus wants to bolt, but Cottia is quick to place her hand on his knee and he just sits there; anxious, sweating and with a growing embarrassment in his chest at the fact that it’s been over a year and he still hasn’t been able to move on. 

Esca has a bright smile on his face that could rival all the Christmas lights in London and Marcus actually hates himself for still being so easily charmed by him. 

“So Liathan called, he couldn’t get a baby-sitter” Esca greets them, nodding to each of them in turn. Then he points at the blonde woman. “This is Nina. Nina, these guys are the best of the worst” 

“Talk for yourself” Placidus mutters, clearly miffed by the fact that Liathan won’t be joining them. 

“I’m Cottia” Cottia introduces herself, rising to her feet to greet her, apparently set on taking this poor woman under her wing. Marcus doesn’t miss the grateful smile Esca sends her way. “This is my girlfriend Aileen, imported directly from Scotland. The bird in leather is Sassticca, I prefer to call her Sassy, because with a name like that you either adapt or perish. And that stick in the mud over there is Placidus”

“Actually” Placidus says, reaching out to grasp Nina’s hand. “My name is Servio”

Nina chuckles awkwardly. “Why do they call you Placidus then?”

Esca urges her to sit down next to Sasstica. “Latin joke, right Marcus?”

“A poor one, but yeah” Marcus finds himself saying, mouth moving on it’s own accord. Still he can’t stop staring at the arm Esca has thrown around Nina’s shoulders. “I’m Marcus by the way… As Esca said” 

He’s blushing despite himself and Cottia pats him on the knee in consolation. 

“So you’re Marcus?” Nina asks, smile perking up. “Esca talks about you all the time”

“Really?” Placidus and Sassticca speak at the same time. 

Nina raises her eyebrows at them but nods. Meanwhile Marcus eyes drift to Esca, who is awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. For a brief moment their eyes meet and Esca’s smile grows taut. Marcus drops his eyes, staring down at the table, dragging his finger through the ring of perspiration left from the beer bottle. 

“You were in the army weren’t you? Esca says you’re the bravest person he’s ever met”

Marcus nods at her, and tries to smile but it feels strained and probably looks even worse. He pities her, she seems so naive somehow. Esca obviously hasn't told her that Marcus isn’t just his best friend but also the ex he can’t remember, and Marcus gets that. He does. It would be a weird fucking conversation to have anyway. It just… feels hippocrytical somehow, having to lie to her face like this. Cause that’s what Esca expects him to do right?

And maybe Marcus is the spiteful, wounded lover who can’t behave in public anymore because to rid himself of all the attention his mouth decides to throw Placidus under the bus. 

“Well, there is also Servio here who’s in love with a psychopath, that’s pretty courageous”

“Marcus!” someone chastises him but he can’t quite tell who, while Placidus looks over at him with eyebrows knitted together in confusion. 

“Since when am I in love?” 

Marcus chuckles. “Honestly?”

“Yeah, honestly. What the heck, mate?”

Across the table Esca is glaring at him. “Really Marcus, you’re gonna call Liathan a psychopath now?”

“Who said I was talking about Liathan?”

“I’m not in love with Liathan!” Placidus protests to no one in particular, and Sassticca reaches out to pat his arm, whether in consolation or commiseration is hard to tell. 

“Time-out” Cottia says, and grabs Marcus by the arm and drags him to the toilets. 

She drags him into one and closes the door behind them. It’s really too small for two people to stand comfortably in. It smells of smoke and piss. 

“What did you do that for?” 

“I don’t know, alright?” Marcus says, dragging his fingers through his hair in frustration. “He talks about me”

“So? I tell people about you to”

“Yeah, but we’ve never dated”

“Eh, I beg to differ” Cottia protests. 

“Your cousin’s wedding doesn’t count” Marcus is full on tugging his hair now. “She doesn’t know about me. I thought he would… Honestly, I don’t know what I thought”

Cottia reaches out to ruffle his hair. “I understand it’s weird, but try, please. I know it would mean a lot to him.”

Marcus nods eventually and they head back out to the others. Marcus leans over to apologise to Placidus, who seems to have become a broken record in their absence. “I am not in love with Liathan.”

“Again, I’m sorry”

Marcus sends an apologetic glance Esca’s way and Esca nods shortly in return. 

The night wears on and eventually the conversations flow easier. Nina turns out to be a really sweet, if somewhat shy, woman. She isn’t what Marcus would think Esca is into, but then again Marcus is probably extremely biassed. However, she is interesting enough to converse with and Marcus can tell she is really making an effort, so he swallows his own pride and does the same. 

They order another couple of beers as they all get to know Nina better. Somehow she and Marcus end up having an almost forty minute long conversation about history, the kind of conversation where it feels like the rest of the room just disappears. In his perferi he notices how Esca twists in his seat in an unusual display of nerves, his gaze never leaving Marcus. He tries to cut in a couple of times, but either Nina or Marcus talks over him. It’s weird, but Marcus can’t help but feel a sick sting of victory unfurl in his chest. The devil in his hindbrain is belting out: you may have moved on, but you’re not getting rid of me. He hates himself for it, he will probably wake up with a hangover in the morning and he’ll end up texting Esca an apology, but that is then. Now is here, and Marcus takes pleasure in monopolising Nina’s attention. Once Marcus realises she has read a couple of his uncle’s novels, it’s done for. In the end it’s Cottia who has to break them up and Marcus blinks owlishly at her. She and Aileen have put on their coats and are clearly about to leave. Esca looks restless as he taps his fingers on the table while Placidus, drunk as a fucking skunk, is talking his ear off. Once again, it just hits Marcus how weird this is. 

They end up calling it a night. Esca and Nina say their goodbyes and walk away hand in hand. Jealousy pricks at Marcus’ heart and if he thought that liking Nina would lessen it he was dead wrong. Cottia and Aileen climb into a taxi, and Marcus is left with Sassticca, smoking and slightly bored looking, and a plastered Placidus. 

Placidus reaches out to grab the lapels of Marcus’ coat, about as threatening as a rabbit. “I am not in love with Liathan!”

“No, I know, I’m sorry” Marcus says, prying his fingers off of him. 

Sassticca extingues her fag under the sole of her black boots, looks Marcus up and down and says. “Do we hate her or not?”

“She’s sweet” Marcus shrugs. 

“Unfortunately”  Sassticca commiserates, then she grabs Placidus arm. “It’s time to get you wild thing home”

Placidus tries to protest, but he’s barely able to string a full sentence together, there’s not a chance he’s going to manage to get home alright on his own. Marcus mouths a thank you to Sassticca, who blows him a kiss and begins dragging Placidus down the street. 

Marcus heaves a deep sigh, glancing up at the muddy-black sky overhead. It’s way too polluted by light for any stars to gleam through and he suddenly misses Scotland with a vengeance. 

Eventually he hails down a taxi. 

His apartment greets him with emptiness and he tries not to think about what Esca’s doing right then. And just like when you’re told not to imagine a red balloon, it’s all he can think about. He imagines Esca inviting Nina up to his apartment, he imagines him leading her over to his bedroom, of their limbs tangling together on rumpled sheets, and that’s about the time Marcus takes out the whiskey. 

He falls asleep half a bottle in and is woken up roughly three hours later by his phone ringing. Without looking he swipes it up from where it has fallen to the floor and answers blindly. His traitorous heart beats a little faster, thinking that maybe, just maybe it might be… 

“Hello?” His throat is dry, voice raspy. 

“I’m in love with Liathan”

Marcus sighs and rubs a hand down his face. “Congrats, mate, you’re officially the last to know”

“Liathan knows?” 

Marcus wants to tell him that Liathan probably wouldn’t recognize love even if it hit him with a sledgehammer, but that seems a little too depressing even for him. So instead he shakes his head, then remembers Placidus can’t see him. 

“No, course not”

The line goes silent for a bit and Marcus hopes that Placidus has fallen asleep, but no such luck. “Why does it have to be him?” 

And Marcus couldn’t agree with him more. Why could the heart never settle for what was reasonable to want?

“Because love is… like bloody Russian roulette”

Placidus is probably still plastered because the next thing to come out of his mouth honestly sends Marcus into a giggling fit. “Preach brother!”

“Go to sleep” Marcus orders once he’s calmed down again and before Placidus can protest, he hangs up. 

He’s about to throw his phone back on the coffee table when he notices he has a missed call and a voice-note. 

It’s from Esca. 

He must have called while Marcus was still talking to Placidus. Seriously? Couldn’t Placidus have had his epiphany literally any other time?

He scrambles to get the voice-note playing. 

“Eh, hi… I’m sorry for calling so late, it’s… shit, three a.m. Shit, fuck… I just… It was nice seeing you and… Do you wanna grab a coffee after New Year? Or you know, something?”

Marcus is gobsmacked for a moment, he stares up at the black screen of his TV where he can vaguely make out his own shock-slack face. But then he remembers Esca’s words from after he had moved out, it feels both like ages ago and yesterday. You’re my best friend but that’s it. 

oOo

You don't know what it's like, baby

You don't know what it's like

To love somebody

To love somebody

The way I love you

 

- To love somebody by Bee Gees

Some dick at work had asked if Marcus felt like less of a man now that he was crippled (yeah, Esca wanted to punch his fucking teeth out) which of course had lead to Marcus setting out on some kind of masochistic mission to prove him wrong. Marcus was going to go hiking through the Scottish Highlands, and Esca… God, Esca really had no choice but to come with him and make sure that he wasn’t going to disappear in a glen somewhere. 

They had been walking for maybe one and a half hours when Marcus’ bad leg slipped on some rolling stones and before Esca could reach out for him he was slipping down the side of the narrow trail. 

“Marcus!” Esca screamed, stuck watching as Marcus tumbled a couple of metres down into the brook they had been following. On pure instinct he skidded down after him. “Marcus!”

When he reached him, Marcus was pushing himself up into sitting. He was more or less drenched in water, looking like a drowned kitten. Esca grasped the sides of his neck, staring into his eyes. How the hell do you tell if someone’s concussed?

“Marcus, are you alright? Marcus?”

Marcus was gasping, staring back at Esca all-wide eyed and shook. Then he began laughing like a bloody maniac. 

Esca genuinely panicked. “Marcus!”

“It’s okay, it’s okay” he breathed out after a while. “Bruised but okay” 

“You wanker! You scared the living shite out of me!”

Esca refrained from hitting him in the chest, instead helping him up on his feet. It became obvious then that Marcus wasn’t as okay as he claimed to be. 

“Fuck” Marcus swore, not quite able to support himself on his bad leg. Something had pierced through his trousers and the edges of the fabric were bloodstained. It was hard to determine whether it was just a scratch or, horror of all horror, if Marcus scar had burst open. Esca had heard shit like that could happen and the mere thought of that happening to Marcus was terrifying.

“Common, here” he said, curling his arm around Marcus while Marcus put his arm around Esca’s shoulder. 

Climbing back to the path with Marcus wounded was a struggle to put it mildly. The hike back to the car was no fucking walk in the park either, but luckily the old wound hadn’t reopened, but his leg had twisted up pretty bad.

When they finally returned to the parking lot, Esca had worked himself up into a foul mood. 

“This entire bloody hiking thing is fucking stupid!” he said as he watched Marcus dig through his pockets for the car keys. “Fucking idiotic, actually!”

Marcus paid him little mind. He’d been running on adrenaline but now the pain was coming through and he gritted his teeth against it. Esca swiped the keys from his hands. 

“You’re not driving!”

“Had no intentions to” Marcus said, before sinking into the passenger seat. 

Esca heaved a sigh, but crouched down before him to assess the damage better. The blood came from nothing more than a scratch. He might be bruised but that would hopefully heal out on its own. So far content, Esca rounded the car and climbed in behind the wheel. He turned the key and revved the engine, making Marcus wince, probably in sympathy with the car. He was just that kind of guy, probably had named the fucking car as well but Esca had not managed to drag that out of him yet. 

“Why would you need to go hiking in the first place? To prove your fucking masculinity?” Esca snarled, unable to keep his temper at bay. 

From his periphery he could see Marcus rolling his eyes. “You didn’t have to come, you know.”

“Obviously I did!” Esca shot back. “You’d probably be dead in a ditch without me!”

“For crying out loud, it wasn’t that bad!”

“Yeah, and you should be grateful for it!” Esca shot back, turning to glare at Marcus. “Who are you even trying to prove yourself to?” 

Marcus stared back, somewhere between angry and surprised. “Why is this such a big deal for you?”

“Because you don’t think! You just throw yourself into stupid shit like this. And you… you have nothing to prove, alright? You’re bloody amazing and…”

“Esca, why are you so upset?”

“I’m not fucking upset!” 

“Yes, you are” Marcus immediately argued back, but his voice had taken on a note so gentle the compassion of it pierced Esca like glass. 

“No!”

Marcus was relentless. “Yes, you are and I wanna know why”

“Because I’m in love with you, you limp biscuit!” Esca practically shouted, leaving Marcus stunned. 

The car became deadly quiet after that. Esca’s cheeks were burning redhot with shame and he made sure to keep his gaze fixed on the road. Nausea rising and falling in his stomach. He’d never meant to admit that. 

After a moment, Marcus cleared his throat. “Limp biscuit?” 

That’s what he chose to focus on? 

Esca gripped the wheel tighter. “I’m not talking to you”

And Marcus, the bastard, had the fucking audacity to laugh.

oOo

I buried a hatchet, it's comin' up lavender

The future's unwritten, the past is a corridor

 

- Smoke Signals by Phoebe Bridgers

Esca waits for him outside of the Italian bakery that Marcus’ mum always used to take him to when she was still alive. He looks nervous and that somehow helps ease Marcus' own anxieties. He’s not quite sure what to do but he goes in for a hug anyway. Esca seems surprised but wastes no time hugging him back. It’s brief, that kind of ladsladslads hug with the three accustomary slaps on the back, but just holding Esca, for however short, is enough to soothe some of the ache in Marcus’ chest. 

“After you!” Esca says and holds up the door for Marcus to enter. 

They settle in by the window, Marcus taking the seat with the wall at his back which gives him a clear viewpoint to observe the place. It’s one of those things he can’t seem to shake, no matter how many years he has been a civilian now. It’s better though than it used to be. 

Marcus orders cappuccino and grilled focaccia, while Esca and his sweet tooth goes for tiramisu. It’s so expected that Marcus can’t help but laugh. 

“What?” Esca says, looking up at him with his brow knitted together and by the gods, this is hard, Esca has always been at his most adorable when puzzled by something. 

Marcus smiles fondly. “Nothing, it’s just…” I forget you’re still you. 

It’s probably better to shift the conversation before it gets into something neither of them are comfortable with, so Marcus asks about Esca’s job. How New Year has been. How Nina is. 

“She’s alright” Esca answers somewhat curtly, distracted by digging his spoon into his dessert. “Actually, she was too scared to ask, but do you think you can get your uncle to sign a copy of The Ninth Legion for her?”

“Yeah, sure” Marcus says, struggling somewhat with cutting his grilled sandwich in a civilised manner.  

“Just eat with your hands.You always used to do it, ” Esca tells him, a gleam of amusement sparking in his eyes. “Or am I too fancy for you now?” 

Marcus glares at him. If it wasn’t for the fact that they were in public and that the grilled focaccia had been expensive, he’d probably tore off a piece and thrown it at Esca. 

“Maybe I’m too fancy for you” he shoots back instead. 

“You always were, you limp biscuit” 

Marcus goes rigid and because Esca, despite everything, knows him better than anyone else notices it immediately. 

“What did I say?” 

“Nothing” Marcus says quickly, but he has to physically shake his head to rid himself of the assaulting memories. I’m in love with you, you limp biscuit. 

He remembers watching the back of Esca’s head as Esca busied himself with lightning a fire to avoid having to even look at Marcus. Remembers the startled surprise, the glowing hope. I’m in love with you too. 

And by gods if he doesn’t remember Esca’s fingers skimming over his skin. The weight of him on his hips,, trying not to put too much weight on Marcus’s bad leg. The heat of him as he pushes inside. It wasn’t perfect, not really. It was rushed, clumsy, Marcus was still in pain, but it didn’t matter. It was their first together. 

He can’t exactly say how these thoughts became inappropriate but he knows that with Esca’s amnesia they did, so he takes a big gulp of cappuccino in an attempt to swallow down the burning embers of arousal suddenly rising in his throat. 

Esca studies him closely and Marcus is only too grateful that he’s no mind-reader. After a moment he digs back into his tiramisu with renewed attention and Marcus can only breathe a sigh of relief. 

They start talking about meaningless things then like football and politics and as always they can’t agree on a single thing initially, but both of them have this way of talking the other round to their own point of view. and by the end of it Marcus does think that Celtic should win The Premier League and Esca agrees that UN’s military intervention might be good in some instances. Soon they start laughing like fucking idiots once they realise that they’ve been arguing about these things for the better part of two hours. 

Esca is drying tears from his eyes. They’re all shiny and the grey-blue of them is breath-taking. 

“I missed this” he says and he makes it sound so easy. “I missed you”

And Marcus doesn’t know how to say that he has missed Esca too without making it come off like some self-punishing prayer. 

“I mean…” Esca starts. “I’ve obviously seen you but… You know, just you and me hanging out” 

Marcus nods in understanding, cause fuck he does. He does understand. He does miss Esca. Misses just talking with him like they have all the time in the world and how none of their conversations ever end cause they just pick it up the next time they see each other. Maybe, Marcus thinks, people are right when they say that dating ruins a good friendship. It’s just that Marcus has always thought that their relationship was better for it, because they had a strong foundation to build upon. Slowly, he’s beginning to realise that that foundation is still there and he becomes suddenly terrified that he will somehow ruin it. 

He wrecks his brain for things two mates can do in an ice-wrecked London in January, but Esca beats him to it.

“Have you ever tried paddle?” 

Marcus laughs before he realises that Esca is perfectly serious. “Really? You’re doing paddle?”

Esca shrugs. “It’s never too late to pick up a new hobby”

“It’s just… you used to think golf was some rich knob game and I kinda thought you’d think the same of paddle”

“Nina introduced me to it” Esca says, licking his spoon as if he hadn’t already licked it clean ages ago. “It’s fun and I don’t think it would be too hard on your leg”

Marcus can’t really take his eyes off of his lips. They are thin but well shaped and Marcus knows them better than his own and that’s part of the tragedy isn’t it? 

“Sure” he says eventually. “Sounds fun”

Because it doesn’t really matter if it isn’t, as long as he gets to spend more time with Esca.

oOo

I'm in love with a boy I know

But that's a feeling I can never show

 

- Jesus Christ 2005 God Bless America by The 1975

It was Cottia’s birthday and she had decided to drag the lot of them to a karaoke bar, not because she enjoyed karaoke but because there was nothing she loved more than embarrassing her friends in public. And Esca had to agree that it was hilarious, sipping fancy drinks he didn’t bother learning the name of while watching Liathan and Placidus murmur their way through a love ballad. They both looked like they were planning Cottia’s murder, and the two of them working together on something was a truly terrifying idea. But Marcus had told him that he thought the two of them would actually be good for each other, that they would mellow each other out. 

Shame, really, that Marcus didn’t seem to see the same thing with himself and Esca. What a fucking masterpiece they would be. 

As soon as Liathan and Placidus were back in their seats, Cottia started to haul on Marcus’ arm. 

“Come on, big boy, it’s your turn!”

“No way!” Marcus protested loudly. “I don’t sing”

“Neither does Liathan, alas…” Esca edged in, only for Liathan to throw an empty pack of cigarettes at him. Esca managed to duck in time, only for it to hit the couple sitting behind him instead. The guy turned around with a half confused, half furious face and Esca had to bite his lip not to burst out laughing when Liathan had to apologise. 

“Next round. Let someone else get a chance to sing” Marcus tried with Cottia then, who scoffed at him, telling him in no uncertain terms that he would get up on that stage before the end of the night or so help her . Marcus raised his hands disarmingly. “I promise, just let me get another drink in me first”

“Fine” Cottia said, content to watch as a couple of drunk women from a hen-do took over the mic with a horrendous rendition of I will always love you. 

“Should be bloody illegal to do Whitney if you’re tone-deaf” Esca grunted close to Marcus ear, sending Marcus into a fit of laughter so massive that eventually Esca had to slap Marcus’ back before he choked on the pink thing he was drinking. 

“Stop making me laugh when I’m drinking something” Marcus said, still a little teary around the eyes and Esca couldn’t help but be smug about it, pushing his finger into the meat of Marcus’ chest. 

“Stop finding my jokes funny then”

“Save us all the torture and get married already” growled Liathan, having broken Cottia’s rules of ordering exotic drinks to nurse a whiskey instead. 

Esca gave him the finger for that, grateful that the bar was dark enough for his pink-tinted cheeks not to be so obvious. 

“So…” Marcus said after a while. “I got a job offer”

“What? When?” Cottia asked, leaning over the table to be included in the conversation. 

“At the place I’ve been volunteering” 

“That’s amazing” Esca said, patting Marcus on the shoulder. 

Marcus just shrugged. “I don’t know… It’s fun and all but…”

“You’re already there so much, why not get paid for it?” Placidus butted in. 

“Hate to agree with him, but he’s right, you know” Esca said, making Marcus smile slightly and look up at him. 

“It’s just… I have no proper education for this stuff and it’s a lot of responsibility and…”

Esca decided that was a perfect time to shove him for being so fucking stupid and self-depricating, and Marcus, a bit drunk and unprepared, almost fell off the stool. Making Esca immediately scramble after to steady him. 

“Are you fucking mentally impaired as well? You love that place!” Esca said once he was certain that Marcus wasn’t going to fall. “You help people and you're bloody good at it as well, common! If you don’t like it, quit, but don’t be a fucking idiot and not take the chance” 

Marcus stared at him, probably surprised by his impassioned speech. After a moment he downed what was left of his drink in one sweep and stood up. 

“You’re right!”

“I’m always right.” Esca said, then: “Hey, wait, where are you going?” 

Marcus shrugged. “None of us are escaping until we’ve all sung. Might as well get it over with”

Cottia practically squealed at that. “Oi, I’m deciding the song!”

“After you” Marcus said, motioning for her to go ahead, while he turned back to Esca with a grimace. 

Esca laughed, and didn’t stop until Marcus stood on the tiny stage, clutching the microphone like it was a lifeline. He was making throat-cutting motions at Cottia, who decidedly ignored him. Then quick as a viper, she jumped up on the stage beside him and snatched the microphone from Marcus grasp and turned back to their table. 

“This song’s for our good friend Esca! Because he just talked this oaf here into taking his dream-job!”

Marcus looked like she had cut his balls off, which sent both Esca and Liathan into another fit of laughter, because hey, they were in their mid-twenties, that kind of humour was still hilarious. 

Then the music started playing, and Esca’s laughter stilled into a gentle smile as he recognised the tune. 

I call you, I need you, my heart's on fire

Marcus' words were tentative, more spoken than actually sung. He was shifting his weight from foot to foot in a way that was frankly adorable. His gaze firmly fixed on the tiny tv-screen that displayed the lyrics. 

Give me a lifetime of promises and a world of dreams

As he sang more, his voice carried stronger and Esca realised that he had never heard Marcus singing before. His voice was deeper than when he talked, but that could probably be summed up to his nerves. It wasn’t bad. Far from it. He was actually quite good. Esca looked around at the others and apart from Cottia, he saw the same looks of surprise as was probably written all over his own face.

Marcus looked up then to seek them out and as soon as Esca met his eyes, he raised his drink in a salut. And like a spell, there was no one else in the room. Just Marcus and his surprisingly good singing voice. Esca couldn’t look away even if he tried. It was like a car crash, wasn’t it? And Esca, well, he’d been licked from the start but now he was truly fucked. 

You’re simply the best, better than all the rest. 

Marcus' eyes didn’t leave him either, and for one crazy moment, Esca thought that maybe, just maybe, Marcus felt it too. That spell, like lightning. A wire gone taut between them. Maybe Marcus would finally see what was right in front of him. Maybe… 

The song went on, people started applauding and by the end of it, Marcus was belting out the words. From the corner of his eyes, Esca could see that Sassticca had picked up her phone and started filming it. Perhaps Esca should have done that too, but then again, it would have distanced him from this moment. Either way it didn’t really matter, because Marcus standing on a stage, singing The Best for Esca, and seemingly Esca alone, was something he could never forget. 

Oh, tear us apart? No, no

Baby, I would rather be dead

The last chord played out and Marcus came back to the table. They started up a thunderous applause for him that made him laugh in embarrassment. Esca was on him in an instant, hitting his shoulder with a closed fist. 

“Why did you never tell me you could sing?” 

“I can’t” Marcus said. “I don’t”

“Fucking lying bastard”

He was so close to leaning in right there and then, but Marcus slapped him on the back good-naturedly before excusing himself to the loo. Suddenly looking through Esca as if he wasn’t even there. 

The spell was broken. The magic gone. 

Esca needed fresh air, so he bummed a cigarette from Liathan and went outside. 

What the fuck was he thinking? Marcus hadn’t chosen that song. He didn’t sing it for Esca, not really. Fucking hell.

Esca grew up in Glasgow. Boys don’t cry in Glasgow, especially not over their best friend not being in love with them. So he stood there with his back leaning against the wall, pretending that the sting in his eyes came from the unlit cigarette between his fingers. 

oOo

'Cause all the blessings are somebody else's

They're flowers in my neighbour's pot

I'm torn exactly into two pieces

One who wants you and one who's gone dark

 

- 45 by Bleachers

As Marcus had thought, paddle wasn’t his thing, but he was too competitive not to play. Also, if it was the only excuse he had to hang out with Esca, he would exploit it to the best of his abilities. Even if seeing Esca in shorts and a t-shirt with the arms rolled up was enough to almost drive him crazy. 

Still, Marcus somehow managed. 

They continued meeting up to play paddle well into Mars, when Esca noticed that one of the instructors kept checking out Marcus. 

“You’re mad” Marcus says, ready for another serve, but Esca won’t let him, crowding in next to his shoulder to point out the instructor’s unsubtle gaze. 

“You should go talk to him” Esca urges, he’s so close that his breath hits Marcus cheek and Marcus has to steel himself not to visibly shiver. Esca’s closeness and touches have become more frequent, almost as if he can’t keep away. Marcus doesn’t know what to make of it, so he decides not to think about it. 

“What if I don’t want to?” Marcus says. 

Esca rolls his eyes. “It’s okay to just have some fun, you know? Doesn’t need to mean anything.”

Marcus bites his tongue, before he says something along the lines of him having had everything and now he doesn’t know how to settle for less. Instead he shrugs his shoulders. “I’m too old for it to mean nothing”

“You’re not even thirty yet!”

“I’ll be in a couple of weeks” Marcus protests and then. “Common, let's finish this set”

The weeks, it turns out, rolls on with frightening speed and Marcus wakes up one day to Cottia calling him to wish him happy birthday. 

It’s too early and he wants to hang up on her, but she is relentless. 

“We’re going out tonight,” she says. “Wear something nice, I’ll pick you up at eight”

And since Marcus doesn’t have work today, he is left to worry about the coming evening for the better part of the day. He doesn’t really wanna go out, but it’s tradition by now, isn’t it? All he really wants to do is sleep. No one warns you about how tired you get when you’re growing older. Or maybe they do, but he’d been too busy with other things to listen. 

The congratulations trickle in throughout the day. He talks with his uncle for almost an hour. He has a video call with some of his old army mates, during which they rib into him about everything they can think of and it’s such stereotypical army lingo that he can’t help but laugh at their attempts to make fun of him. Placidus emails him a Happy Birthday, while Sassticca sends him a colourful gif. 

Esca calls him before lunch. 

“Hi, you wanna grab a bite?” he asks. “I know I’ll see you tonight, but I wanna have you to myself before the others get their hands on you, you know?”

And whether Esca is aware of it or not, he’s making Marcus’ heart squease with an endless, aching yearning. 

Marcus meets him up at a saladbar of all places. Jokingly he jostles their shoulders together.  “Nina really wanna get you in shape, does she?” 

“Nothing wrong eating something that isn’t deeply fried every once in a while.”

“I’ll have you know that I almost ate an apple for breakfast today”

Esca’s eyes wrinkle up in laughter. “With emphasis on almost” 

This bantering is so easy that Marcus forgets himself and throws an arm around Esca’s shoulders. To his surprise, Esca leans into the touch and they stand cueing like that for a moment in peaceful quiet. 

They order their food and go over to sit down in the corner. They're half-way through their salads when Esca suddenly draws out a small plastic-bag from his pocket and places it on the table between them. 

“What’s this?” Marcus asks. 

Esca doesn’t give an explanation. “Go on, open it” 

So Marcus does. He unravels the plastic to find a carved wooden bird inside. Marcus lifts it up, lets his fingers trail over the delicate details. 

“Did you carve this?” Marcus asks, knowing that Esca used to do that before. 

“Yeah, took it up again.” he shrugs. “It’s an eagle. There was something about your father, wasn’t there?” 

He’s remembering. Or the very least, trying to. In the beginning, small memories would trickle in every now and then, followed by headache and dizziness that Esca tried and failed to hide. But in the past year those moments of sudden reminiscence have only been coming rarer and eventually the doctors concluded that the years lost are just that, lost. 

“He… took you birdwatching in the spring, didn’t he?” Esca continues, and Marcus nods with tears in his eyes. Marcus had been very reluctant to talk about his father with Esca in the beginning of their friendship, only once they were together did he tell him about how his father had died in action under mysterious circumstances. How he’d been blamed for charging his men into their death. There had been a lot of shame holding Marcus’ tongue.

“Yeah” Marcus nods, tears in his eyes. “Eagles were his favourite and in extension mine, I suppose”

Esca smiles at him, and clasps his hand. He doesn’t let go for a long while. And Marcus, despite knowing how fruitless an endeavour it is, falls in love with him all over again. 

Then Esca has to return to work and Marcus walks home with the carved eagle cradled gently in his hand. 

By the time the clock nears eight he has changed into some black slacks and a simple striped shirt. There is a knock on the door just as he is about to put his shoes on, and before he can fully process what is happening, his friends well into his apartment with glittering balloons spelling out 30, a big cake with rude writing and too much liquor for them to ever be able to consume. 

“Surprise!” Cottia shouts in his ear as she clings around his throat. He automatically wraps his arms around her and squeezes back. 

“What the hell?” he says, looking between them. 

“Esca said you were feeling old, so we thought a surprise party might shake things up a little” Cottia answers, before she brushes past him with the party decorations. 

Liathan carries two full bags of booze and Finn carries a third. Though he’s going on twelve and sprouting off the ground like a small tree, Marcus quickly unburdens him the load and carries it out to the kitchen. The others have gathered in the living room. Aileen and Sassticca are helping Cottia, Nina is putting the cake on the coffee table while Esca and Finn are getting plates and spoons. Placidus is opening a champagne bottle, pouring a glass and thrusting it into Marcus’ hand. 

“For he’s a jolly good fellow” they start singing, competing to sing louder than each other and Marcus breaks out into something between crying and laughing, making him sound hysterical. 

They eat cake and Marcus listens as his friends tell him about their respective days, aware of Esca’s eyes resting on the eagle that Marcus had strung up on a leather band to wear around his neck. 

Eventually, after a couple of hours, Marcus retires to the kitchen. 

He just needs a breather. He loves his friends, he does, they’re a crazy bunch, crazy enough to arrange a surprise party in his apartment. It’s nice, but overwhelming.

He pours himself another glass of wine, the cheap one Liathan had brought that isn’t actually supposed to be enjoyed, just consumed. 

He takes a deep breath, feeling the anxiety ease from his bones. There is happiness here, he can be happy again. It’s the kind of small revelation that creeps in through the seams almost unnoticed, but when you start poking at it, it becomes world-altering. And it really is world-altering to imagine that he can truly be without Esca. 

As if summoned Esca, slithers in next to him. He opens the small kitchen window like it’s second nature, before he hoists himself up on the counter. 

“Happy?” he asks, noticing Marcus’ smile. 

“Getting there” Marcus nods. “Turning thirty isn’t what everyone makes it out to be”

“How so?”

“It’s just another number really”

Esca shakes his head with a smile and they fall into a peaceful silence. It feels nice. If they can manage to keep this up then Marcus might actually be able to content himself with just having Esca at a friendly distance. 

“There’s something I wanted to tell you” Esca says then. “I wanted you to be the first to know”

“Okay, hit me”

“Me and Nina are engaged” Esca says with a small, almost embarrassed smile. Marcus has never seen him like that, like a school boy with his first crush, and maybe that twists the knife in Marcus’ chest more than his actual words does. 

“Really? Isn’t that a little rushed?”

Esca shrugs and swipes Marcus’ wine glass from his limp fingers to take a sip. “I’m turning thirty soon too, maybe it’s time to settle down, you know? I mean, I can’t always babysit Finn, he’s growing up as well and I… I want kids of my own. Nina… She can give me that”

Marcus hears his own voice go deadly cold, he’s not proud of it, but it’s too late to take it back now. “Is that how you rationalise it?”

“What do you mean?” Esca grows tense. 

“Just… Love isn’t something you're supposed to talk yourself into. It’s not just some exchange of favours”

Esca empties what’s left of Marcus’ wine in one gulp. “Well, it’s not bloody passion all the time either. It’s something you build with patience and time”

“I know” Marcus says, throwing his hands up in frustration. “ I know, do you?”

Esca bristles. “I loved people before you, Marcus. I know what love is, I don’t need you to explain it to me”

Marcus watches as Esca jumps down from the counter, ready to storm out on him, but before he can leave the kitchen, Marcus reaches out to grab his elbow. Esca stops short to glare at him. 

“I’m sorry” Marcus says and that seems to punch some of Esca’s vindication out of him and he reaches out absentmindedly to trace his fingers over the tattoo hidden beneath his dress-shirt. Marcus recognises it as Esca being conflicted about something. Confusion flashes through his eyes and Marcus tries to peer deeper inside before Esca pulls up his walls again. 

“Okay” Esca says after a while. “That’s a start”

Marcus stares down at their feet, toes standing so close and yet, no matter how he tries, he always manages to say something that puts oceans between them. 

“I’m happy for you. You really do deserve the world”

Instead of smiling, Esca looks unbearably sad and for a moment Marcus just wants to fold him in his arms until that expression has been chased away, but then he realises what he’s seeing is pity. 

“You do too” Esca says, tentatively reaching to grab at Marcus head. It’s not an odd thing for Esca to do. He used to do that sometimes even before they started dating, but now Marcus has come to associate that gesture with Esca leaning in to kiss him and Marcus has to pull back. The familiarity of being so close to Esca has never felt more strange, and Marcus isn’t sure he can take it. He is almost relieved when Nina comes to find Esca. Almost, because jealousy is a fucking ugly thing and no matter how many times he tries to swallow it down, it sticks in his throat and he’s almost choking on it. He watches Nina kissing Esca’s cheek while Esca’s eyes are still locked on his and Marcus suddenly realises why everything feels so wrong. Because no matter the reality of the situation, his heart isn’t seeing his ex falling in love with someone new, it sees the love of his life, his once-but-never-happened husband, the future father of his imaginary adopted children, having an explicit affair right in front of his eyes. He knows it’s fucked up ant yet…

Marcus can barely breathe. 

Suddenly he hates his friends for having a surprise party at his place, he can’t throw them all out just because his mind is collapsing in on itself. He desperately wishes he could still leave, like a caged animal ready to gnaw off his own fucking leg to escape. 

And all the while, Esca’s eyes never leave him. There’s nothing mean about it, but it kills Marcus’ all the same. The eagle presses down on his breastbone like a bullet. 

oOo

All I’ve ever known is how to hold my own

All I’ve ever known is how to hold my own

But now I wanna hold you, too

 

- All I’ve ever known from Hadestown

Both of Esca’s brothers were going to celebrate Easter with their respective girlfriends’ families. Bran at least had the decency to call him and tell him in person, while it took Anndra two days to reply to Esca’s message. Sometimes he seriously wanted to take him to the doctor to see if an x-ray scan might reveal a brain somewhere in there. 

Being the eldest of three meant a lot of things. He had been the test-child, what hadn’t killed him wouldn’t bruise his brothers. It also meant that when their parents passed away, Esca was left as the head of the family and it was up to him to organise everything. Maybe he should be relieved that neither of his brothers seemed particularly interested in spending Easter with him, at the very least it meant less work.

That’s how he decided to explain it when Marcus asked him what he had planned for the weekend. Marcus, however, looked at him pittingly with his compassionate, loyal dog-eyes. 

“You could come up with me to my uncle’s” he said. “You know, if you wanted to?”

And as much as Esca liked to believe that he could say no to Marcus, the entirety of their short but intense friendship pointed to the opposite. 

That’s how he ended up in the passenger seat of Marcus car as they turned onto a small country road leading up to what Esca could only describe as a fucking mansion. 

“You’re uncle rich or something?” Esca asked, leaning forward in an attempt to see better. 

Marcus chuckled. “He’s an author of historic books and novels” 

“Yeah? What’s the difference between a book and a novel?”

Marcus shrugged slightly. “You’ll have to ask him”

They turned up on the drive and Marcus parked outside the main entrance to the three stories house. It was the kind of house he and Liathan would sometimes take the train to look at when they were kids, dreaming they would one day become rich enough to buy one for themselves. 

On the steps leading up to the house, two elderly men waited on them. One shorter and with his back slightly bent, while the other stood tall and observed them with an intellectual chill of the kind that always made Esca uncomfortable. Made him feel like he didn’t belong. By the description Marcus had given him in the car that was probably his uncle Giuseppe, though Marcus told him only to call him that if he had an acute desire to make a bad first impression. 

Marcus grabbed their bags from the back and urged Esca in front him towards the steps. Marcus’ uncle was the first to approach him, regally reaching out a hand to shake. 

“You must be Esca” he said. “We’ve heard a lot about you”

Esca took the hand and shook it. “Good things I hope”

Marcus’ uncle gazed into him like a fortune teller would a crystal ball. “That’s to be decided”

“Uncle” Marcus admonished lightly. 

“Sorry, where are my manners?” the old man laughed, eyes sparking up with amusement. “You can call me Aquila, everybody does these days. And this here is my butler, Stephanos, he will help you to your room”

Okay, the man was rich enough to have a butler. Perhaps Esca should start to write a couple of books of his own. If that was the route to success it would be stupid not to try it, right? 

“No need, Stephanos, I’ll show him” Marcus said, and with a gentle hand on his shoulder, he guided Esca through the house. 

The guest room wasn’t that big, but it had a lovely sight out over the garden and beyond that a river snaked around the property. 

“My room is next-doors, come over when you’ve settled in?” Marcus said, and Esca nodded absentmindedly, far too wrapped up in the view. 

But soon enough he took to unpacking, and like Marcus had asked him to, he went and knocked on his door. Marcus had changed into a t-shirt and some low-hanging sweatpants that barely clung to his hips. Esca stared, then realised he was staring and quickly looked up to meet Marcus’ gaze. They gleamed with amusement. 

“Stephanos is making dinner, what do you wanna do?” Marcus asked. “I thought we’d track around the grounds tomorrow, if you don’t mind?”

“Sounds good” Esca said, stepping inside Marcus’ admittedly much larger room to sit down at the edge of the bed, where a large window framed the river outside like some old naturalistic painting. 

“You have a deck?” he asked after a moment. 

“Sure” Marcus said, rumbling around in the bedside drawer, producing a deck of cards quickly enough. Marcus settled down by the headboard and Esca rearranged himself to face him as they played some stakeless poker. 

Then dinner was announced. 

Esca stayed mainly quiet, keenly observing the conversation around him. How much respect there was in Marcus towards his uncle, and how fond Mr. Aquila was of his nephew in turn. 

It was nice. 

Peaceful and calm.

After dinner, Marcus and Esca stayed up playing chess in the drawing room, until night swept around the house and nudged them to bed. 

The next morning, straight after breakfast, Marcus took him wandering around the grounds as promised. The sun was bright and spring lured around them with all its brilliant colours. Marcus' eyes were bright and his lips never trembled far from a smile. Esca found himself mesmerised. 

They came to a small stream, nothing more than a trickle of water really, that Marcus with his long legs and familiar steps easily crossed. On the other side he reached out a hand for Esca to grab. Esca gripped it and jumped after him. Marcus’ hand was warm and dry, sending shivers and sparks up Esca’s arm. Shocked, Esca pulled back and brushed past Marcus on the trail. 

Marcus guided them down to where a small strip of sand eased into the river, and they settled down side by side on a log that someone had mostly dragged down in the purpose of making a spontaneous bench. 

“Everything is so silent” Esca said after a moment, watching the river absentmindedly. 

Marcus stretched out his leg beside him. “Hm, you’ve never really been to the countryside have you?” 

“Nah, I guess I just exchanged Glasgow for London” Esca watched as one of Marcus hands massaged his bad leg. “Does it hurt a lot?”

“Sometimes. Depends on what I’m doing. Most of the time it just goes stiff.” 

“What happened?” Esca had always been too afraid to ask, had always thought Marcus would tell him if he wanted to. Perhaps they had both waited each other out, for Marcus looked at him with soft eyes and an even softer sigh. 

“It was an ambush in the night” Marcus began then went silent. For a long moment Esca thought he would leave it at that but then slowly he continued. “A car exploded, I got parts of it over me”

His gaze was lost in the middle distance, somewhere over the breeze rustling the water. Esca was struck by the vulnerability of the moment, by the trust Marcus bestowed on him and before he could think better of it, he reached out to grasp Marcus’ hand. A sudden urge to touch. And be touched. 

Marcus turned towards him, gaze unseeing, clearly still lost in memory. 

“Thank you for telling me” Esca said in an attempt to lure him back.

Marcus nodded slowly. “You… You never treat me like a wounded soldier. You don’t expect me to be… someone I haven’t been in a long while”

Esca squeezed his hand and said nothing. 

They went back to the house. Stephanos had made lunch and since the weather was so nice they decided to eat it out in the garden. In the middle of the meal, Marcus got a phone call and he excused himself to take it. 

In his absence, Mr. Aquila turned his contemplative eyes on Esca. His fingers were closed around the stem of a wine glass. He seemed to consider Esca deeply as he took a sip. 

“You’re good for him” Mr. Aquila said after a moment during which Esca felt a slight sweat break out. He hadn’t been scrutinised like this since he’d met his ex-girlfriend’s parents. Something clicked in his mind. Was that what Mr. Aquila thought? Did he believe that Esca was Marcus' friend ?

Well, it wasn't like it was the first time people had confused him and Marcus for lovers, but for the first time Esca found he didn't really mind the implication of it. Marcus was honourable, loyal and righteous. Though he could sometimes be prone to moodiness and getting stuck in his own head, in the end he was a kind soul. A good friend. Esca’s best friend. 

It didn’t hurt that he was also handsome. 

“Your friendship is the first thing Marcus has taken an interest in since he came home.” Mr. Aquila continued. “I would like to thank you for that, for bringing a smile back to his face”

“No need” Esca said dismissively. 

“All the same” Mr. Aquila said, taking another sip of his wine just as Marcus returned to the table. His brow was furrowed as if in pain, but once his eyes met Esca’s, his face lit up with a brilliant smile that had Esca gasp for breath. 

And just like that, something settled deeply in his chest as he realised that he never wanted to go a day without seeing that smile. 

“I believe Esca had a question for you, uncle” Marcus said teasingly as he sat down.

Mr. Aquila quirked his white eyebrows. “Is that so?”

“What’s the difference between a book and a novel?”

oOo

Old flame, new shame

Now this love is haunted

 

- one night by Isaac Gracie

“So would you do it?” Placidus asks, having invited him out for brunch. “If he asked you, I mean”

Not shortly after he had told Marcus about his engagement, Esca had declared it to the rest of their friends and everyone had suddenly been stuck in this weird limbo. He supposed it must be a little like watching an intense tennis match for the rest of them. On the one hand they were supposed to be happy for Esca’s engagement, on the other hand they felt sorry for Marcus, whether he asked them to or not. The ball was constantly flying through the air, never landing anywhere. Maybe this is why people divide their friends between them after a break-up, like property in a divorce.

There were also the endless speculations. When would the wedding be? Would it be big or small? Where would the venue be?

Placidus seemed perversely interested in who would be Esca’s best man. 

Marcus shrugs. “He’s not going to ask me” 

“Don’t be so sure” 

“I like to believe he isn’t that cruel”

“Would you go at all?” Placidus asks then, cutting through his grilled ham with a precise incision. 

And Marcus has contemplated that question too. To be completely honest he isn’t sure. There are no manuals about these kinds of things, are there? What is right and what’s wrong? Not going to your best friend's wedding because it will inevitably break your heart? Or going only to bring the entire atmosphere down? 

Well, Marcus doesn’t know, it’s a muddy grey situation. So he decides to change the subject. 

“So are you going to ask Liathan out for dinner or not?”

Placidus gives him the stink eye. 

“What? You get to hound me with questions but I don’t get to ask you even one?” Marcus tilts his lips upwards somewhat to soften the blow. He knows he’s been grumpy recently, after Esca’s announcement. 

Placidus heaves a sigh. “It doesn’t matter. It wouldn’t work”

“You don’t know that” Marcus protests quickly, maybe he is getting too invested in his friends’ relationships as a distraction from his own loneliness? 

“I do know that” he says and that is the end of it. 

They talk about nothing in particular for the rest of the brunch until Marcus has to get to work. The day passes by uneventfully and Marcus feels wrong for desiring an incident. He just wishes for something, anything to wrap his mind up in. 

He’d promised to pass by Nina’s apartment after work to hand over the signed ex of The Ninth Legion he’d managed to wheedle out of his uncle’s hands. 

Nina lives in a nice area, where the wall paint isn’t cracked and there are flowerbeds and parks. He calls her when he’s at the entrance of her building and she invites him up. The book suddenly feels slippery in his sweaty hands, but he can’t deny her either. A part of him is curious about what her apartment looks like. What it says about her. If he can find any traces of Esca. 

She’s smiling brightly at him as she opens the door and he’s pushing the book in her hand.

“Thank you so much, Marcus! I’m really grateful you would do this”

“It was nothing, really” Marcus says, while discreetly trying to peer around her at the open plan of the apartment. It got an artsy, 60-70’s vibe to it. Houseplants everywhere and colourful modernist art on the walls. 

“Would you like to stay for tea or coffee?” she asks, and there is something in the way she wrings her hands together that hints to it being more than just a courtesy. When he agrees, she almost breathes a sigh of relief, before instructing him where to place his shoes and jacket. 

He’s invited to a small kitchen, even smaller than his own. It’s bright yellow and the late evening sun is only adding to the citrusy tones of it. 

“Would you prefer tea or?” she says a little awkwardly, as if she hadn’t quite planned this far despite clearly wanting to talk to him.

“Tea’s good” Marcus nods, and then in an attempt to lighten the mood. 

She sets a kettle to boil then, the old fashioned way, and considering her apartment that shouldn’t surprise him. 

Her fingers tap restlessly against the counter and the silence between them goes strained. Eventually Marcus has enough, his curiosity getting the better of him and he asks: 

“Did you want to talk about something?”

Nina looks up at him startled, almost as if she has already forgotten he is there. But then her face breaks into an expression of relief. 

“Yeah, actually…” she starts just as the kettle whistles and she bustles to get the tea served. Once she has placed a cup in front of Marcus and settled in with her own opposite of him, she continues. “You seem to know Esca better than anyone, and I was… Well, I guess I was wondering… You see…”

Marcus smiles patiently at her, urging her to take her time to get her thoughts straight. 

“I just feel like there is something he isn’t telling me” she says eventually. “I know he was in an accident and suffered amnesia, so maybe I can’t demand that he would know it himself but…”

Her eyes then go up to meet his, and Marcus shudders at the intensity of it. “There is something about you.”

Marcus swallows. “Something about me?”

“Sorry, don’t get me wrong, but… I just… feel like there is something I’m missing, about you and him.”

So, this was it? Confirmation of Marcus’ suspicions that Esca hadn’t told her about them. Was this the time to lay the cards on the table? Shouldn’t Esca be having that conversation with her?

“Please, Marcus” she says, as if reading his mind. “He won’t tell me”

“I…” Marcus starts and doesn’t know how to continue. “We… Me and Esca… We were dating.” 

She nods, not seeming particularly shocked at this revelation. “I suspected as much. Was it before the accident?”

Marcus stares at her, trying to determine what it is she wants to hear. He knows what he wouldn’t have wanted to hear, so he merely nods. Suppose it’s easier to hear that they had broken up before Esca’s accident, than knowing your boyfriend’s best friend is still in love with him. 

“Thank you, Marcus” she says. “I just needed to know.”

Marcus tries to smile, but it comes out as a grimace. Thankfully, Nina is too occupied with staring down at the swirling shades of her tea. 

“I don’t understand why he wouldn’t tell me” she says after a moment. “Doesn’t he remember it?”

“He knows” Marcus says, unable to look up at her. “But, no, he doesn’t remember us”

Unlike everyone else Marcus knows, Nina doesn’t give him any pity. Instead her brow only furrows more. They drink the rest of their tea in silence, then Marcus makes sure to leave quickly. Nina thanks him again for the book and then she closes the door behind him.

oOo

Oh, once in your life you find someone

Who will turn your world around

Bring you up when you're feelin' down

 

- Heaven by Bryan Adams

When Esca’s parents had died, Esca had quit his bachelor to take care of his brothers. He had roughly one year left, but even with the inheritance, it wasn’t enough to make ends meet so Esca had begun working instead. Some years went by and he was content, or as content as he could be, with that solution. But then he’d met Marcus and Marcus, of all people, somehow managed to convince him to take up his bachelor again and finish it. 

Now he had his course books opened on the kitchen counter, reading while simultaneously frying some sausages. From the living room, where Finn was sitting with his colouring book, he could hear the theme song of Spongebob playing loudly through the speakers. 

He felt tired, lacking motivation. Sometimes it felt like it would just be easier to go back to working full-time again, but he supposed that a degree might get him a better paid job. Hopefully, at least. 

“Finn, will you turn that down a bit?” 

Not even a second later the sounds coming from the living room had quieted somewhat. 

“Thank you!”

An insistent headache had started to creep in, and who was he kidding, there was no chance he was going to be able to focus now. He served Finn the sausage. The kid’s face lit up with a big smile and he thanked Esca politely. Esca reached out to ruffle his hair before he returned to the kitchen. 

After some thinking he ended up calling Marcus, after all, if Marcus had made him do this, studying again, then he could bloody well bear to hear Esca complain about it. 

Marcus answered almost immediately. “Hi, has something happened?” 

“Nah, just wanted to talk. Are you busy?”

“No, no, I’m just taking care of some laundry so talk ahead” Marcus said. “What are you doing?”

“Trying to study, but right now Finn’s colour book seems more interesting.”

“Say hi to the little guy from me.” Marcus said, and Esca could hear his smile. He wasn’t exactly a natural with kids, but he did have a soft spot for Finn. “You want some help with the studying? I could come over this weekend maybe”

“That… would be great, actually”

“Well, I lured you into this so…”

“Yeah, you better take some bloody responsibility” Esca laughed. 

They continued talking for almost an hour, and would probably have continued if Esca didn’t need to return to the reading and looking after Finn. He was sad to hang up, but the knowledge that Marcus would come over that weekend mollified him somewhat. 

He went over to the living room and curled up on the couch beside Finn. 

“Was that your boyfriend?” Finn asked, big and innocent eyes staring up at him curiously. 

“What boyfriend?” Esca asked, surprised. “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

If it was possible, Finn’s eyes grew even bigger. “You and Marcus aren’t together?”

Esca laughed, but it stuck in his throat. “Eh, no.”

“But don’t you like him?”

“I do, but not… Not like that”

“But dad said…” Finn insisted. 

Esca took a deep breath to collect himself. How do you tell a kid that their dad is a fucking nosy idiot? 

“Your dad is your dad, but he doesn’t always know what he’s talking about, okay?” Esca settled on eventually.

oOo

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,

Or tell you that.

But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it

Where's the sense in that?

 

- White Flag by Dido

It will soon be June and lately Cottia has been pestering Esca and Nina about their wedding plans, suggesting a summer wedding would be cute. Everytime it had come up Esca had derailed the conversation, changing subjects with the same efficiency as a politician would. It irks Marcus and it clearly bothers Nina too. She never says anything, when Esca does it, but Marcus can see the way her lips thin out. 

Marcus doesn’t say anything either, but maybe he should. 

When Esca turns twenty-nine they go out drinking after Esca had basically threatened the lot of them not to throw him a party. Cottia had sighed but relented. 

They went to another bar then they usually would, spicing it up a little per Liathan’s insistence. 

“Where’s Nina?” Placidus asks when Esca comes in alone. 

“Visiting her parents”

“It’s yer birthday, mate!” Liathan says, sounding scandalised. His mind is probably whiplashing back to the time when his girlfriend had walked out on him and their thirteen month old baby. That was long before Marcus met Esca and by extension Liathan and Finn. As if in consolation, Liathan heads over to the bar and buys shots for Esca. 

Meanwhile Esca throws himself down in the chair beside Marcus.

“You okay?” Marcus asks instinctively. 

Esca glances up at him. “Shouldn’t I be?” 

“Didn’t say that” Marcus raises his hands disarmingly. 

Soon enough Liathan is back with a tray of shots, which he resolutely puts down on the round table between them. The clinking of the glasses vibrates through the air as Liathan sinks down between Esca and Placidus, who does his very best to ignore Liathan’s proximity. 

“We’re gonna get ye drunk, mate, don’t worry” Liathan reassures Esca by slapping him on the thigh, before he pushes two shot glasses into his hands. The rest of them get to help themselves to the liquor. 

By the end of the night Liathan is the drunk one. He’s telling rude jokes and leaning half of his weight against Placidus, who due to his unfortunate infatuation is the only one who hasn’t pushed him off yet. Placidus is blushing a bright red, but everyone has the good graces not to mention it. 

Marcus leans over to whisper in Esca’s ear. “How long before Liathan crawls into Placidus' lap?”

“Give it five more minutes and a tequila” Esca whispers back. 

Cottia is the first to leave, what with Aileen babysitting Finn, she wants to go home. It’s a feeling Marcus has never experienced, he’s never had anyone to go home to because whenever he went out Esca was always right there with him. And nowadays… Well, he goes home to nothing. 

Eventually Sassticca gives up on them too, leaning down to kiss Esca on the cheek, wishing him a happy birthday for the second time before she walks out. 

A very flustered Placidus eventually rises to his feet, making Liathan faceplant into his vacated chair. 

“I think it’s time to go home” he says primly. 

“Spoilsport!” Liathan slurs at him. 

“I think you’ve had enough”

“Oi, it’s ma mate’s birthday!” 

“Yep, he’s had enough alright” Esca says, helping Liathan stand up. With some help from Marcus they manage to guide him out of the pub and down the street. The fresh air does nothing on him, but Marcus feels better for it. 

“He’s not gonna be able to make it home on his own, is he?” Marcus says. 

“Hardly” Esca mutters. “Well, that’s that then.”

He goes to hail a taxi, leaving Liathan resting against Marcus' shoulder. Those dark eyes suddenly glance up at him with a drunkard’s haunting intensity. 

“Ye shouldn’t have fucking let him go” he mutters. “He still fucking loves ye.”

“What?” Marcus says, shocked like a spooked horse. “What did you say?”

But Liathan has already lost the plot. 

“Placidus!” he shouts straight into Marcus' ear. “Yer good at maths right? Finn needs a tiu…a tue… a tuitoor” 

“A tutor?” Placidus corrects surprisingly gently for being Placidus. 

Liathan only glares. “Didn’t a fucking say that?” 

A taxi has driven into the curb and Marcus starts hailing Liathan towards it and together with Esca they settle him in in the backseat, but before Esca can join him, Placidus rests a hand on Esca’s shoulder to hold him back. 

“It’s your birthday, you shouldn’t have to deal with this drunk ass”

“Who’re ye calling arse?”

“Ass” Placidus corrects. “As in donkey”

“Then say fucking donkey!”

“Are you sure?” Esca asks and Placidus shrugs. 

“Not in the slightest. But… it is your birthday”

Esca nods and thanks him. Then he and Marcus stand on the pavement watching as the taxi takes off. 

“They’re gonna kill each other” Marcus says and Esca turns to him with a wicked bright smile before he breaks down into laughter. 

They start walking down the street towards Esca’s apartment. They’re both blissfully drunk and, despite the mild night breeze, Esca shivers. And while Marcus knows it’s no longer his concern, he shrugs off his own jacket and gently wraps it around Esca’s shoulder. Esca gives him a smile, and draws it closer around himself. 

“Is this new?” he asks, sniffing the collar in a very innocent manner that still makes Marcus blush. 

“No” he says, rubbing the back of his neck. “But it’s been hanging in the wardrobe for ages.”

“Shame. It suits you”

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah” Esca hums, before he sticks his arms through the sleeves. Then he does a twirl in front of Marcus, patting down the jacket. “What do you think?”

Marcus has to bite his tongue before he says something stupid. But before he can think of anything normal to say, Esca’s hand has found its way to the breast pocket of Marcus’ jacket. 

Marcus' eyes widen. 

He’d forgotten about that . 

He’d just grabbed it last minute from the wardrobe, only when already on his way had he realised what jacket he had actually taken. 

“What’s this?” Esca asks, his eyes focused on the small, velvety black box resting on his palm. 

“Nothing” Marcus says quickly, then tries to snag the box out of his hands but Esca’s reflexes are good even while drunk. 

In horror Marcus watches as Esca opens it. The ring is plain, just a silver band really but with ancient celtic carvings. Esca had been studying his own family history in the months before the accident, and Marcus had wanted to honour that. 

“Are you… Are you seeing someone?” Esca asks slowly and there is something in his voice that Marcus can’t quite decipher but it doesn’t sound like relief. It’s enough to distract him and he doesn’t immediately shake his head. 

“You should have…” Esca begins to say, and then he reaches up to touch his temple as if in pain. 

“I should have what?”

“Nothing” Esca shakes his head. He studies the pattern closer. 

“It’s…” Marcus starts but stops, not sure how to continue. “I haven’t met anyone”

Esca looks up then, uncomprehending. For a long minute he just stares at Marcus but then realisation dawns in his eyes. It is both terrible and beautiful in the very same breath. 

“When?” he asks. “When did you intend to…?” 

“When the accident happened” Marcus answers. “I had ordered a table and I was gonna…”

Esca takes a step back, fingers holding the engagement ring in an iron grip. Marcus hadn’t used that jacket since, simply hung it away. He hadn’t been able to touch the ring either. Didn’t know how to dispose of it. Perhaps it had just been easier to forget. Or at least pretend to; out of sight, out of mind. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Esca asks, but his voice is accusing, clearly angry. 

Marcus tugs at his own hair. The smell from a fish’n’chips shop down on the corner assaults his senses, while Esca stares him down like he’s a fucking enemy soldier or something. He feels trapped. 

“Tell you what? You don’t even remember we were dating”

“Still you should have told me” Esca insits. 

“It wouldn’t have changed a thing, so why does it matter? You don’t love me anymore and…”

“You don’t get to tell me what I feel”

“You told me yourself” Marcus says then, wretched. “You told me you’re just not in love with me. I should have thrown that fucking thing out ages ago”

Esca’s eyes are stars, bright and piercing the darkness around them. “Why didn’t you then?”

Marcus… Marcus is tired, alright? No, he is fucking exhausted. He has tried so hard to be a good friend. To be what Esca needs him to be. He can’t anymore. Can’t pretend his heart isn’t fucking breaking with every second Esca doesn’t love him. 

“You know why”

It’s as if the night knows what a fucking disaster this will be and it just goes eerily silent around them, like it doesn’t want anything to do with this.

Esca stares. Doesn’t say a word. 

Marcus suddenly thinks of that moment in Love Actually when Keira Knightley discovers that the guy from Walking Dead is secretly in love with her. This moment feels frighteningly familiar to that one, except Esca once loved him back. 

“You fucking coward” Esca says then. He’s always had a sharp tongue, sharper than anyone Marcus’ knows with a perfectly keen intellect to match. He has always known how to push Marcus’ buttons, seemingly from the very start. No one has ever gotten under his skin like Esca. 

“You have no right…” 

Esca refuses to let Marcus finish, pushing himself straight up into Marcus’ space. “You don’t get to run away from me. You don’t get to withhold everything you know about me, about us, just because you think it’s easier, while at the same time you’re staring at me as if you’re expecting me to come running into your arms any bleeding second”

“I can’t fucking force you to feel something you don’t!” Marcus practically roars at him. Through all of this, he’s never screamed at Esca until now. “I’m not trying to hold you back! In fact, I’m trying very hard to let you go but… Would you have dealt any better? Watching the love of your life forgetting about you to go falling in love with someone else?”

“I wouldn’t have let him go”

That’s it . 

“Fuck you, Esca! Fuck you!” 

Marcus reaches out and grabs the ring, clenching the black box so hard in his hand the edges will leave indentations. He stalks off without his jacket, as fast as he can until he’s rounded the corner of a building and despite his leg protesting wildly he forces himself into a sprint. 

He spends the rest of the night wandering aimlessly. When dawn finally cracks, he is frozen to the core and he has no idea where he is. At least he has his phone. Should probably thank his lucky star or something for always keeping it in the back pockets of his jeans. He walks over to a bookstore on the corner. It’s still closed, but it’s a guiding mark for when he calls Cottia to pick him up. 

oOo

Just in time, I found you just in time

Before you came my time was running low

I was lost, the losing dice were tossed

My bridges all were crossed, nowhere to go

Now you're here

 

- Just in time by Dean Martin

Maybe Esca had had a little too much to drink, maybe he just didn’t like the look of the fucking bastard spewing homophobic slurs at the end of the bar. Whatever the reason was he soon found himself outside, with the fucking clunse trying to get a hit on him while a ring of people stood around them chanting: fight, fight, fight!

Esca jabbed the man in the stomach, but he didn’t so much as stagger back. Fuck. 

Maybe this had been a bad idea. Where was Liathan and his bad temper when you needed it?

The man hit him over the eye and Esca stumbled back to the ground. Hitting his back hard against the pavement, while the fucking bastard stood bent over him with a leering grin. And fine, Esca had gotten himself into this situation so maybe he deserved it, didn’t mean he looked fucking forward to having his face pulped to shreds. He turned his head, and suddenly met the green eyes of a tall young man with wide shoulders and dark hair. A feeling he’d never before felt in his life, and probably couldn’t explain even if given a century to do it, overcame him then. It was a weird sense of recognition, even though he knew with a certainty that he had never seen the man before. 

“Enough! That’s enough!” the young man cried out, his voice clear as glass, bearing that kind of self-borne authority that usually made Esca want to spit at people. 

The young man broke through the barrier of people. He carried himself like a soldier would, despite the slight limp in his leg. In a quick move he had reached out to grab the elbow of the man who had just punched Esca. 

“Fuck off!” the clunse growled, but the soldier, or whatever he was, would have none of it. 

“Get out of here” he ordered and just like that pushed the man back, and for some reason the fucking idiot listened to this stranger, gathering his crew of hangarounds and leaving down the street. The rest of the crowd around them quickly scattered after that as well. 

Only the tall, young man remained, reaching out with a hand to help pull Esca back to his feet. 

“Are you alright?” the man asked, his forehead furrowed in concern. 

“I’ll be fine” Esca muttered. 

“You might need some ice for that” the man continued, seeming intent to help Esca no matter what and with a hand on Esca’s back he guided him back into the pub and over to the bar, where he asked the bartender for a towel with some ice. He pressed the pack against the side of Esca’s face, making Esca hiss. 

“Sorry” the man said. 

“It’s alright” Esca gritted out. 

“I’m Marcus by the way” the man, Marcus, settled down beside him. 

“Esca” Esca stuck out his hand for Marcus to shake. “Why did you step in out there”

Marcus didn’t quite meet his eyes. “No reason. Meant nothing by it.” 

And how the hell was Esca supposed to read that?

“Well, it meant something to me” Esca said, the melted ice had started to drip down his cheek and he was starting to feel as pathetic as he probably looked. After a while he asked: “You drink coffee?”

“Yeah, sure” Marcus said,  blinking at Esca almost sluggishly, surprise written over his face. 

“Good, meet me at the place over the street tomorrow at 10” Esca said before he stood up. “I owe you”

With that he left, fully intending to free himself of any potential life-debt or whatever towards Marcus by that one coffee, not yet knowing the impact the man would have on him. Not yet knowing that he would never be able to imagine a future without Marcus by his side. 

oOo

Oh, I don't love you, but I always will

Oh, I don't love you, but I always will

Oh, I don't love you, but I always will

I always will

- Poison & Wine by The Civil Wars

Marcus is tired. There had been an incident at work, with one of the vets having an episode. It had taken some time, but eventually Marcus had managed to talk him down. He didn’t pity the man, but he sympathised with him. 

His mind is still so clouded by the day’s events that he doesn’t immediately notice the figure sitting on the landing with his back pressed against Marcus’ front door. It’s only when he is almost tripping over Esca that he really notices him. Notices the state of him. 

His eyes are red-rimmed, as if he hasn’t slept, or worse, as if he has cried. 

Marcus sinks down into a crouch before him. “Hey, what’s happened? Are you okay?”

“I broke up with Nina” he says, peering into Marcus eyes and seeing right through him. 

Marcus reaches out to brush a thumb over his cheek. “I’m so sorry” 

Surprising even himself, he truly means it. And Esca seems to realise it too, for not even a second later he slumps against Marcus’ shoulder, wrapping his arms around Marcus’ middle, almost bowling them over. Marcus cards his fingers through Esca’s hair in a manner he hopes is soothing. 

“It’s gonna be okay” he murmures. 

Esca only clings to him harder. “My body won’t let me bloody forget about you. It seeks you out like it’s fucking starving from your touch.”

That isn’t what he expected. Marcus' heart is beating too fast, probably too loud too but he doesn’t know what to do about it so he just wraps his arms tighter around Esca. 

Esca’s breath is hot against his throat. “I don’t remember falling in love with you, but I guess it doesn’t matter”

“How so?”

“It was always inevitable” 

“What was?” 

Esca leans back, his eyes are shining. “You and me. Me falling in love with you, over and over.”

Marcus is on the verge of crying but he can’t do anything but look at Esca, trying to memorise every line of his face, as he should have done from the very start. Because life is fleeting and Marcus, perhaps more than anyone, should have known that, and yet happiness had blinded him. 

“We’ll take it slow” Marcus promises. 

Esca chuckles at that. “It’s been one and a half years, can it be any slower?”

“Odysseus needed ten years to get back to Ithaka” Marcus smiles. 

“Stop with the ancient references and unlock your door. I’ve been waiting here for three hours and I really need to use the loo”

“Anything” Marcus says and together they climb back to their feet. Marcus opens the door and lets Esca enter before him, and the feeling that he is finally bringing Esca home settles upon him with a rush of overwhelming contentment.

oOo

You're asking me will my love grow

I don't know, I don't know

You stick around, now it may show

I don't know, I don't know

 

- Something by The Beatles

Maybe one day, Esca will try to carry Marcus over the threshold only to give up not even five minutes in and Marcus will sweep him off his feet with a laugh so loud that only Esca kissing him will temper it. 

Maybe one day, Marcus' hands will fasten a baby carrier around himself, their baby snuggled up close to his chest and Esca’s throat will close up from the love he feels for them both. 

Maybe one day, they will grow old together.