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A single truth.
Neil wanted the entire world to swallow him whole.
It occurred to him in these moments that his place at PSU did not solely exist on the Exy Court, at least according to his academic records. It barely registered to him that he was not just some walking poster boy for the Foxes on the days he sat inside a classroom and not within the walls of the Foxhole.
Too many times did his leg bounce up and down, too fast or too slow. Too many times did he tap his pencil against the surface of his desk until he received sly glares that he constantly picked up on. The professors’ words reached him, to say the least. He was a decent student, even at Millport, but it took some time to train his eyes to not constantly wander over towards the clock, or the emergency escapes, or the door itself for a way out if someone looked for too long or got too close.
It was the reason why he always sat in the back. Having a solid wall to lean against and enough space to keep an eye on everyone provided him, perhaps unsurprisingly, an entire world of calm and relief.
But, right at this moment, if he were being brutally honest, Neil would have much rather preferred being locked inside the Court for forty-eight hours with the version of Kevin he met on his first day at Palmetto than dealing with this.
If he could have predicted it even a year and a half ago—no. He couldn’t have.
Survival. He had only wanted to play Exy and survive back then. Day by day. He wouldn’t have dared to believe he shared the same lives of those he collected the same classes with, or if he ever could. The only ‘parties’ he attended were always hosted by one of the other Foxes inside Fox Tower. Eden’s was its own thing. Neil had ulterior motives going there, and it had nothing to do with getting drunk or stepping onto the crowded dance floor or allowing the booming music to bleed his ears out.
He would be caught dead at any of Palmetto’s frats, usually composed of almost every other PSU athlete, but he often caught the faraway sound of drunken cheers and the scent of weed, alcohol, and all the other likes when he went on his late-night runs.
Never did he think that he would be cramming himself into the small desk chair provided by PSU inside the dorms with scattered papers already strewn over the surface and several textbooks tucked under his shoulder. Renee had lent him some leftover index cards and Post Its she no longer needed now that she was graduating along with Dan and Allison. Their looming departure had already taken a somber ambience within the locker room, and the lackluster South Carolinian weather ended up canceling the team’s weekend trip to Allison’s house by the shore to prematurely celebrate the end of the school year.
It turned out that grades eventually did have to take the front seat, albeit Exy being the sole reason that Neil’s brain functioned, according to Aaron. Aaron gave him the stink eye when he complained about the upcoming exam schedule to Kevin, who had been too deep into the historical wormhole on YouTube to respond to either of them.
A stern scolding from Wymack was also warmly included.
Still, despite his tirades against the educational system, Neil had found a rhythm that worked for him since winning the championship last year. He had good grades. Enough to pass. Enough to continue playing Exy. On Thursdays after his last class of the week (Advanced Spanish I), Andrew would wait outside for him and they’d head off together towards the rooftop to sit on hard concrete and be away from the others, at least for a few hours before pre-Friday night match practices began.
This year, after another stellar season, the Foxes were eventually knocked out by the Trojans who fully learned their lesson and adapted after last year’s massive headlines. It turned out to be an amicable departure for them in the end. Kevin still hadn’t found a way to make his mooning over Jeremy Knox less obvious, and having Jean on the USC roster this time around only made the game more of a bitch to push through.
It was how Neil found himself having to fully focus within the thickets of final exams, believing that one full day of studying during the weekend would help him out in the long term. ( Short-term , according to Andrew, who barely lifted a finger towards his own textbooks).
Despite making it known to the entire team that he would be unavailable for the day, Neil still found himself denying the other Foxes’ advances and invites (mostly Nicky’s) with a firm head shake that eventually faded into low grumbles and the finger if they were lucky.
Matt and Dan offered to take him out for quick breakfast at the diner just around Palmetto’s shopping district. He had to say no. Allison had asked him to fix the lock to the girls’ suite that had mysteriously broken. He told her to go ask Matt. Nicky begged for him to say hi to Erik via FaceTime. He didn’t bother to acknowledge that request.
By the fourth hour, Neil wondered if it was legal for faculty to assign this much material onto one exam, but he couldn’t act surprised. His linguistics professor had practically handed out entire manuscripts each class period since the spring semester began all the way back in January. Now, at the beginning of May, most of the PSU student body were running zombies between three places and three places only: the dorms, cafeterias, and the library.
Neil considered it a lucky treat that most of his other concentrated courses were not as deadly to his passing status.
Andrew had been sporadically popping in and out of the room, either to grab random things or to use the bathroom. The longest he stayed was during lunchtime, propping open the window next to Neil’s desk and lazily slouching against it to light a cigarette. Neil said nothing, flipping through more pages of nonsensical examples and diagrams, but he appreciated the silent company.
When Andrew finished and stubbed it out, he remained by the windowside for a few more minutes, lightly tapping his fingers against his knee before sliding his gaze onto Neil.
“You’ve been staring at the same picture for the past five minutes.”
It had become a recurring theme for Neil to partially lose his concentration whenever he and Andrew shared the same space alone.
“Hm?” He hummed, finally breaking his gaze between visuals on paper and Andrew. A distracted mumble became his only offering. “It’s important.”
Andrew said nothing in reply, instead turning to close the window again before Neil quickly let him know.
“Can you leave it a little open?” Despite the abnormal weather, the dorms still became atrociously overheated.
Andrew halted his movements, not pushing the window any further down and deftly planted both feet back on the floor instead. Aaron yelled for him from somewhere inside the suite, and soon he was back out and disappeared past the door. If it weren’t for Neil’s dry throat to go look for a drink afterwards, he wouldn’t have noticed the water bottle and bowl of mixed fruit plainly laid atop his dresser, cut up just the way he liked it.
By the seventh hour, Neil was barely able to register the moment when Kevin nearly broke down the same door to stomp over where he still sat. He had written down so many notes that he wondered how close the bones in his fingers were ready to snap off. His entire body ached so much that he actually contemplated how Aaron even boggled being a student athlete while also majoring in medicine. Kevin slammed down two miscellaneous items onto the desk, one in a small wrapper and the other cased inside a plastic bottle. The mysterious liquid swirled orange.
“Eat this. Drink this.”
“What.”
Kevin ignored him, continuing on. “These were approved for our nutritional plan a few weeks ago, so it fits.”
“Huh?”
Kevin pinched his nose in frustration. “You need to eat something.”
Confusion still riddled Neil’s face. He was still processing the abrupt interruption. “Andrew left some fruit for me earlier.”
“That was hours ago. I don’t need you passing out at practice tomorrow morning.”
Neil glared. Kevin’s attempts at caring were always blended between outright antagonism and actual worry, but he took the protein bar anyway and set aside the energy drink for later. Their practices had hugely scaled down in intensity as summer break approached and they no longer had championship matches to fret over, but Kevin still treated each one as if it were the last one ever taking place in his career.
Neil was just content enough to still be on the Court, already searching for places where he could practice around Columbia during the off-season that didn’t include Exites. That didn’t involve where he and Andrew were going on their own, something small planned between both of them where no one else would butt in. Neil knew the others were curious, even Kevin who raised both eyebrows when Andrew revealed he wouldn’t be driving him to Eden’s for around two weeks in July.
The thought made Neil take a little break, smushing his face against the textbook as the clouds overhead turned grayer and light rain began to fall. He liked the idea of going on vacation with Andrew. He liked that they could be alone without the presence of others hoverboarding over them like previous times at the cabin. Maybe, just maybe, Neil held a spark of hope that it could become a regular thing.
By the time the clouds partially parted and the sun began to set, even Neil, who had years on his belt of learning how to stay awake for multiple days on end, had evidently found himself barely grazing the surface of consciousness. Slowly, he found his head dipping forward only for him to whip it back up again, blinking furiously to stave off the exhaustion. If his mother could see him now…she would kill him for acting like this. Perhaps even pull at his hair to keep him upright. He was pretty sure every equation and vocabulary term had been steamed and pressed onto his brain from every angle.
The door creaked open a few moments later as Neil changed sitting positions with the textbook in his lap. He wasn’t quite sure what he was trying to memorize anymore, but it was still an attempt to stay awake and study. The chills had only gotten colder and the crack in the window began to let in too many breezes that made him shiver. His loose T-shirt and matching armbands barely provided protection on that front.
But he was grateful for the brief interruption. Neil lifted his eyes to peek at the miniature version of the Foxhole’s photo wall above his own desk lamp, slightly enamored by the way the light was currently hitting it.
Dan and Renee helped set it up for him at the beginning of the year, and he was given full choice of which ones he wanted to have hung up. Most of them were of the team in blazing, glorious action. One was of him and Kevin last year holding up the Exy Championship trophy together, too many emotions on their faces to be able to pick out just one as they held it high over their heads. Neil’s own feelings were so amplified during that ceremony that he could mask the fact that he witnessed Riko’s murder firsthand, or that he had also been threatened with the same fate if he did not deliver. For him, staring at the elation upon his and Kevin’s faces, those were the memories he constantly tried to remember of that day, and of Dan’s tears, and of Nicky’s screams and of Matt’s bone-crushing hugs. Of the small kisses that he and Andrew shared at the back of the bus as they all finally went home.
Of his team. His family. The ones he was never going to let go of.
A year later and now the girls were about to graduate, and soon he glazed his eyes over to a few stills of them behind-the-scenes. Perhaps Neil’s favorite was taken by Wymack, of him being interviewed by one picky journalist while Dan and Allison made faces behind the camera. Renee stood by Neil’s side, a calculating smile across her face. Andrew stood on Neil’s other end, holding both of their helmets in one hand, expression as stoic as ever.
The most recent one was of Renee herself taken by Matt, smiling big at the camera with her newly dyed hair that transformed into full brown in preparation for graduation. Neil had helped her dye it the previous weekend inside the bathroom belonging to the girls’ suite, and even he could feel himself sensing that twinge of already missing someone’s presence. He had asked Andrew what he thought of Renee leaving, but Andrew only shrugged while looking up towards the molten sky. They would be keeping in touch, he said, and Neil believed that perhaps it was all that they needed.
The connection would never be severed.
Neil had one Polaroid specifically of Andrew, his favorite of them all, but he had tucked that one inside his desk drawer under some folders and Exy pamphlets. The dying sun now melted shadows upon streaks of waning sunlight onto the memories, and somehow Neil had fixated his attention fully onto it, studies tossed aside.
“Neil.”
The familiar voice made him pause in his thoughts, whirred. He sighed quietly, mostly to himself. “You don’t need to say it.”
A short silence passed. Andrew seemed to have walked closer. Neil could see their silhouettes blending in together at the far wall.
“You are a sentimental junkie.” Andrew finally said, leaning down. His mouth dangerously brushed against the curve of Neil’s ear. “Enough for the day. Yes or no?”
Neil set his pencil down, tired fingers loosely wrapped around it. His blinks were slow even as he tilted his head back to catch a glance of the man who traded him promises and truths and enough kisses to stir him forever. “Yes.”
He closed his eyes and turned his head back at the slightest angle, a relieved breath escaping once he felt the familiar touch of Andrew’s hand on his jaw and an arm across his chest.
His shoulders visibly relaxed to release pent-up frustration and information overload, slouching against the worn chair that even Andrew felt. The wheels scooted back a few inches, softly hitting the solid weight of the goalkeeper’s figure.
“Stubborn.”
Neil finally let the quirk of a small smile grace his lips, devouring whatever of what Andrew wanted to offer him at this very moment. His brain felt like mush, in both academic and other miscellaneous Andrew-related ways. “Mmh.”
Andrew pressed a soft kiss to Neil’s neck, a warm shiver dripping through Neil’s whole body like sweet honey. He smirked despite it all, eyes still firmly shut.
“Your neck fetish is equally unattractive.”
Andrew grunted, tugging on Neil’s sleeve before wandering over towards their bunk. He rolled over onto his own bed, now sporting a black hoodie over his T-shirt that hung abnormally large on him.
Neil watched Andrew get comfortable, then leaned over to fully shut the window. The evening springtime chills had arrived in full force around Palmetto’s grounds, and Neil at long last set aside his own textbooks. He was done for the day.
Though he cursed under his breath once he stood up and could barely sense his own legs. After shaking them out a bit, he walked over slowly and laid his knee atop the mattress, feeling it bounce underneath. Andrew stared at him with unrestrained calm, patient despite tapping his fingers once again against his leg.
Neil had to hold back his own retort of staring , grinning instead as he glanced over how much the fabric consumed Andrew’s upper frame. “Who stretched your hoodie in the wash?” He lifted a brow, and Andrew replied with a firm nod. He slowly joined him on the bed, using a pillow to prop his arm against to keep him awake.
“Tell me.”
Andrew made a face, glaring. He directed his eyes up at the low board above them.
“There’s only so many problems one man can have.”
Neil quirked a brow in curiosity. “Tell me who. It wasn’t me.” He paused, attempting to guess. “Who can’t wash a simple sweatshirt in the laundry room?”
“Think.” Andrew offered.
“Nicky?”
Andrew said nothing.
“Matt?”
Nothing.
“Allison?”
Nothing. Again.
Andrew appeared as if he could remain as still as he lay for the rest of the night, but apparently even he couldn’t hear anymore of Neil’s incorrect attempts after seemingly rolling over the entire roster and still not getting it.
Neil parted his lips in small surprise once he realized.
“Kevin? Was it him? But he never washes clothes.”
Andrew released the closest thing to a breath of amusement, shaking his head. “There’s your answer. Should I give you a trophy? Remind me to never let Kevin inside a laundry room by himself ever again.”
Neil muffled a noise dangerously similar to a snort of laughter. He almost wanted to shove the door out and find Kevin to chastise him about it, but instead of his body moving to get up, Neil’s head only lolled to the side. The pillow was calling his name. His blinks were teetering on the slowest gear.
Andrew’s eyes were following his. He lowered his voice. “Go to sleep, Josten.”
Neil nodded absently. “Yeah.”
A comforting hum. He thought of something while looking up at Andrew’s stray bed hairs, feeling the urge to pat them down but kept his hands at bay. He said it without any particular reason, a lazy smile on his face that was reserved for Andrew when they were like this. “You know. I want a cat someday.”
His thoughts hurdled back towards the single Polaroid tucked inside his desk drawer, of an away game at Belmonte where they were forced to wait inside a lounge while a pet support program simultaneously took place on the other side. Neil’s attention could barely stick. His entire body ran sore and he only wanted to get on the bus and return to PSU until one kitten padded its way towards Andrew’s feet. Andrew’s body became rigidly still next to Neil’s, but he didn’t react in any other way. Their entire team watched in varied levels of astonishment and blank horror as it climbed up his leg and reached his lap. It nuzzled and purred so loudly that it was to Neil’s surprise that no one had come to take it away.
His eyes had been glued onto Andrew and the kitten, so he only assumed it was Nicky who nearly barreled over Dan for the camera. The resulting picture was given to him when Andrew was out with Aaron at Bee’s.
Back on the bed, Neil added on, a shit-eating smirk adorning his features. “One day. I heard they’re good for stress relief.”
“You want a what?”
“A cat?” Neil grumbled. Perhaps his words were jumbling together and he hadn’t realized.
He stuffed his head deeper into the pillow, curling onto himself facing Andrew where a safe gap of space existed between them. Despite the windows being closed, the room was still in a perpetual state of a weirdly cold chill every once in a while. Even his long sweatpants were still too thin and there was no blanket in sight.
Neil offered another sleepy smile once he felt Andrew’s fingers curl around his shirt. He stared unabashedly, eyes jumping from every corner of Andrew’s face. He liked doing that. He also knew that Andrew liked him doing that too.
Andrew breathed in and out quietly, as he always did.
“Yes, Neil.”
It still staggered Neil sometimes, of just how much one word could make his entire body flip and quietly shudder. He leaned forward just a slight, waited for the okay, and then pressed his lips against Andrew’s, needing it after the long day. The connection was lucidly perfect enough for him to drag his mouth sleepily down Andrew’s chin after the fact. He was so tired that he barely had the energy to lift his head away from the crook of Andrew’s shoulder. Barely did he feel strong arms wrap around him, holding him in a solid place.
“Stay.”
“Hmh. Okay.”
Andrew’s fingers tangled in his hair several moments later, and it became the last of what Neil remembered before the gesture immediately sent him into a deserved slumber.
There were not many moments in Neil’s life that he remembered dreaming, often rendered static or doused in hellish disguised nightmares, but that night he dreamed enough to cover infinite skies. An anchor to this world and the next, and the ones that followed would always bring him back to the present.