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Olivia had been hesitant to come to the Stabler family Christmas, let alone bring Noah. But she knew it was his way of trying. Trying to repair the damage of the last 10 years and nine months. Family was everything to him, as were the holidays, so to be invited to family Christmas was just about the biggest olive branch he could have extended, and quite frankly she was tired of fighting what seemed inevitable.
That didn't mean it came stress free.
Holidays for Olivia growing up had been quiet, if celebrated at all. She spent many years on the force working her way through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the New Year so those with big families, like Elliot, could be with their loved ones. When Noah came along, holidays were much more enjoyable, but still small nonetheless.
Showing up to Elliot's with all his kids, his mother, his grandkids, the noise, the chaos… It was a bit much. Noah was having the time of his life playing with Eli, and Tommy and Davey, Maureen's two boys. But about an hour into the event, after they'd eaten and cleaned up the dinner dishes and everyone had spread about to talk and laugh, Olivia started to feel overwhelmed. Elliot had been watching her like a hawk all night, a goofy smile on his face that she wouldn't lie and say she disliked, but she just needed a moment.
She crept out to the terrace. Someone (probably not Elliot, as Bernie had reminded her more than once about the home decor and Christmas decorations) had strung up some lights that shone brightly because it was that time of year where it got dark as hell far too early. Somewhere off in the distance she could hear the faint tinkling of the bells from Salvation Army kettle collectors. There was just enough chill in the air that light flurries were falling. It was calm, peaceful, to be standing off to the side near the gate where nobody could see her and she could breathe for a minute.
Until she heard the sliding door open.
She figured it was Elliot. Lord knows if one person in that room was going to realize she disappeared it was going to be him, and definitely not Noah who had already expressed interest in wanting to stay all night.
Olivia was just about to turn around and ask Elliott if he'd put a tracking device on her phone too when she realized he wasn't the one who stepped out onto the terrace at all. It was Eli.
He was startled a bit when he saw her move from the shadows.
"Oh, hey, sorry," he said. "Um, I can go back in."
"No, Eli, this is your house," Olivia said. "I just came out to get some air. I can go in if you'd like to be alone."
"No, it's fine," Eli said. "That's why I came out too. To get some air."
Olivia wasn't quite sure if they should talk or not. She could tell since the Stablers had been back Eli was the most skeptical of her. He likely didn't know her role in his birth story, and she'd been at the funeral, then at their house, the cemetery, the trial, and everything this past week. Eli had never known her in the context of her partnership with Elliot, or her interactions with Kathy or the kids. To him, she was just some woman, another woman who was in his dad's life.
"Sometimes it's nicer to watch the chaos from the outside," Olivia said, gesturing towards the door. "It can be overwhelming in the middle of it all."
"Yeah," Eli said. "Wish you could do that with life too. Just kind of walk out when you need to breathe."
Olivia understood what he meant. She felt like that so often after Lewis. That the mere thought of just doing something normal made her feel like she was suffocating. How she'd just wanted to take a step out of her body and view the situation objectively, like she used to be able to do. But she couldn't do that when the PTSD made her feel like she was drowning.
"Are you doing okay today, Eli?" Olivia asked.
"Yeah, fine," Eli said, a little too quickly. "Everything's fine."
"But, you know it's okay if it's not, right?" Olivia said.
"I know you were there for everything the past few days," Eli said. "But that was just a slip up. Everything's fine now. Just too hot in there with all the running around with the kids is all."
Just the way he said that made Olivia realize that everything might not be as fine as he wanted her to think.
"You know, I have an anxiety disorder," Olivia said. "PTSD. Just like your Dad."
"Really?" Eli asked.
"Really," Olivia said.
"How'd you get it?" Eli asked. "Or, like, what happened?"
"I've always had a little bit of it," Olivia said. "My mother was an alcoholic. She used to break things in the middle of the night. It made me anxious. And then many of the cases I've worked over the years added to it."
"Do you still have it?" Eli asked.
"I do," Olivia said. "But over time it got easier to manage. But sometimes, in crowds like this, the pressure to be social, to be around other people, to have to do anything more than just be, it's too much and I have to step away."
"That's why you were out here?" Eli asked.
"Yes," Olivia said. "Even just taking five minutes to quiet your thoughts when you feel overwhelmed can help."
Eli sighed a deep sigh and wrung his hands.
"I'm not feeling okay," Eli said. "I think I'm fine and I'm just doing whatever and then I remember what happened, or that Mom isn't coming back. Or that Dad left us for five months and I don't really like the friends I've made here and I just want everything to go back to normal. And I get so upset that I feel like I can't breathe, but I can't tell anybody about it because Grandma has her own problems, and Kathleen is trying so hard to take care of everything, and if I do something to send Dad over the edge he might go back undercover again."
The words were spilling out of Eli like he didn't expect them to and he couldn't stop them even if he tried. Olivia's heart was breaking. This was far more than any teenager should have to take on.
"Why don't you come sit with me," Olivia said, gently touching his shoulder and leading him to the bench by the gate, out of view of the party.
When they were sitting she began to speak.
"I'm not sure all of what they told you at the hospital, but those are anxiety attacks, Eli," Olivia said. "And after everything you've gone through, they can happen. I still get them from time to time. I'm sure your Dad does too."
"How do you stop them from happening?" he asked. "Like, before they happen."
"Sometimes you can't," Olivia said. "But you can control them, get over them more quickly. Like doing what you did tonight. Taking a step out, taking a deep breath. Sometimes that helps. Other times distract yourself by talking to someone. It might be different every time."
"I don't like feeling this way," Eli said. "I never used to feel this way. I just don't want to make things worse for Dad."
Olivia knew the second that doctor told Elliot that Eli's primary concern was for him that it would force him to figure things out. In a way she was glad, but also sorry it had to come to that for him to realize that they all needed him to stick around.
"Eli, your Dad is going through a lot too," Olivia said. "But I know him well enough to know that you and your brothers and sisters are the most important things in the world to him and nothing you do or say or feel is ever going to change that. All he's ever wanted for you, from the day you were born, is to be safe and healthy."
"You were there that day," Eli said.
"I was," Olivia said, surprised he knew that.
"They talked about you, Mom and Dad, sometimes on my birthday," Eli said. "About how Olivia saved us. I never really knew who you were. You were always this kind of storybook character, some superhero."
"Definitely not a superhero," Olivia said with a laugh. "That was one of the scariest days of my life. If anything happened to you or your Mom I don't know if I ever could have faced your Dad again."
"Why did you guys stop talking for 10 years?" Eli asked.
At fourteen she was pretty sure he didn't know just how loaded a question he just asked. Because Olivia herself couldn't even answer that question. Elliot may have said it best the other day. They just didn't know how to begin.
"I don't know, Eli," Olivia said. "When your Dad left the department things were kind of… a mess. And then we just lost touch."
"But he called you the night everything happened with Mom," Eli said. "You said so in court."
"Well, he didn't call me on the phone," Olivia said. "He sent out a radio call for me to visit the scene. I didn't know it came from him until I got there."
"Does he really love you?" Eli asked. "Like he said at the intervention? Is that why we moved away and he didn't talk to you for 10 years. Because he was married to Mom and loved you?"
While this conversation might have been calming Eli's anxiety, it was ratcheting Liv's up to a new level. How could she explain to Eli what she and Elliot were to each other when she didn't even know herself?
"Can I be honest with you, Eli?" Olivia asked.
Eli nodded.
"I don't actually know how to answer those questions," Olivia said. "Your father and I have always had a complicated friendship, partnership, whatever you want to call it. I did not have a big family like this growing up and when we became partners your Dad and the other people I worked with became my family. And you know how your Dad feels about family. He takes it very seriously."
Eli chuckled.
"He looked out for me so I didn't have to do everything on my own all the time," Olivia said. "So I do think your Dad loves me, but I don't know in what way. But I do know he loved your mother very much. She was a good wife, and a good Mom, and a good person."
Saying that last part was a little hard for Olivia. She'd believed that, wholeheartedly, until a few months ago when Elliot showed up drugged and told her about the letter. That proved that Kathy didn't reciprocate Olivia's friendly feelings. But the kids didn't know that. They never needed to know that.
"Do you love him?" Eli asked.
Olivia thought for a moment. She knew the answer without hesitation, but wanted to put it delicately for the boy.
"I do," Olivia said. "But I'm also not sure in what way. He was my very best friend for many years and then he was gone for a long time. But I love your brother and sisters, too. And your grandma. And even you, if you can believe, even though you don't know me as well as they do. It was hard to be away from all of you for so long, and it's been confusing to get to know you all again, and without your mother around."
Eli had an expression on his face that was all Stabler, but Olivia couldn't read it.
"What I can tell you is that your happiness is the most important thing," Olivia said. "No matter how your Dad or I feel, no matter where our friendship goes, if you're uncomfortable with me and Noah being around, we will go and there will be no hard feelings, ever."
Eli was silent for a few more moments.
"I don't want you to go," Eli said. "Actually…"
He took another deep breath and closed his eyes.
"I actually want to know if I could talk to you more," Eli said. "Like text you if I'm feeling anxious and stuff, if I feel like I can't tell Dad something. You seem to understand."
"Well," Olivia said. "I've had a lot of practice learning about the many moods of men named Elliot Stabler from being annoyed for 12 years by the original version. And I would love to be able to be there for you if you need me. Day or night, anytime. Phone call, text, FaceTime, meeting for coffee. You name it."
"I really screwed up this week," Eli said. "I just didn't feel like I could tell anybody."
"If you ever feel like that again you can always come to me," Olivia said. "You're not in this alone. Ever."
"Thank you for coming back," Eli said, which caused Olivia to furrow her eyebrows. "Even when we push you away. I know it sounded like I didn't want you there when you came with Dad to get me from the station and the hospital. I know Dad said some not so nice stuff to you at the intervention. So just, thanks for coming back and giving us second chances."
"It's what partners do," Olivia said. "And your Dad once told me we were partners for life. You and the rest of the family, that comes with the package."
After a few moments of silence, Olivia spoke up again.
"Feeling better now?" she asked, gently putting an arm around his shoulders.
"Yeah," Eli said, standing up. "I should probably go save Noah from my nephews. Maybe he and I can play video games or something."
"I think he'd like that," Olivia said. "He could use a good role model."
"I'm not a role model," Eli said, walking toward the door.
"I think in his eyes you already are," Olivia said. "And the way you're working to make sure you get better and you better understand yourself and your emotions, that makes you one too."
"Thanks, Olivia," Eli said.
"Anytime, Eli," she said as he disappeared into the house.
Olivia sat for a few more moments of quiet until the door opened again.
"You hiding on us?" Elliot asked, stepping out onto the terrace and handing her a mug of cider.
"Just enjoying the quiet," she said as he sat down next to her. "Your family is loud."
"Your son is amazing," Elliot said. "He's so you it's unbelievable."
"Quiet something for being adopted, huh?" she asked with a smile and Elliot's eyebrows shot up his bald head.
"Really?" Elliot said. "I never would have guessed."
"Your son is pretty amazing too," Olivia said.
"Well, I know you're not talking about Dickie," Elliot said with a chuckle. "Wouldn't doubt you don't still want to smack him for asking you if you ever slept with your partner."
"That was well over 12 years ago," Olivia said. "I think I'll forgive him. But I was talking about Eli."
"Yeah, I saw him come in. I didn't realize you were out here too," Elliot said. "Everything okay?"
"He came out to get some air like I did," Olivia said. "Just a little overwhelmed. He's working on it."
"Should I be concerned?" Elliot asked.
"I don't think so," Olivia said. "I hope you don't mind, but he's going to start texting me when he feels overwhelmed. Just so he doesn't have to carry all his anxiety alone, if he thinks it might be too much for you."
"He's not too much for me," Elliot said, going rigid.
"It's only been a couple of days," Olivia said, touching his arm gently. "He loves you and just wants you to heal."
"I'm going back to therapy," Elliot said. "Got a session on Monday. I'm not going to let him down."
"You never would," Olivia said, feeling his hand slide into hers between them on the bench.
Elliot leaned in closely, speaking right into her ear in just a whisper.
"My friend, Olivia," he said. "Always saving guys named Elliot Stabler when they need it the most."
"Force of habit," she said with a smirk. "Although, I think I got a better shot with that one. He might listen to me."
Elliot laughed and unlocked their fingers to put his arm around her.
"I guess I deserved that," he said, taking a sip of his cider.
"Well, partner, I did miss out on 10 years of needling you," Olivia said. "Turns out it's just like riding a bike."
"This is a two way street now, friend," he said. "So you just wait."
Just then, Noah bounded onto the terrace.
"Mom, Elliot, c'mon," he said. "Grandma Bernie said we're going to play a game."
He didn't wait for them before dashing back into the house.
"Grandma Bernie?" Olivia said, standing from the bench. "She's adopted him already?"
"He is family," Elliot said. "Because he's yours."
"I think us Bensons could get used to having a bigger family," she said, leading the way inside.
"That's what I'm counting on," Elliot said. "Merry Christmas, Liv."
"Merry Christmas, El," she said, placing a hand to his freshly shaven cheek before stepping back into the hustle and bustle once more.