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quackity didn’t take losing charlie well.
none of them did, as frustrated he made fundy, as annoying he was to foolish, how often sam had disregarded the simple creature, none of them liked the emptiness his absence left.
it felt like losing him all over again, when quackity and foolish realized slime left them a message, and then walking into his room and knowing he was gone. it hurt, because this time they couldn’t bury their noses into books or try to find answers, he just wasn’t here anymore. and maybe it was the days pouring over nonsense about how slimes could never gain sentient thought, or how they were nothing more than bacteria aging for centuries in damp corners of caves to annoy the occasional miner, but after losing him again , quackity truly felt the loss hit him.
it was like the fight left him, the tiny dash of hope squeezed him tight and let him loose, like a balloon being let go and deflating into nothing but a loose piece of rubber.
he would've collapsed right there on the dirt outside the tiny hub they had built for charlie back when they knew he was planning to stick around. but foolish, strong and caring foolish, had ignored quackity’s aversion to being touched and held him up until he gained his footing to walk back towards the space needle. his energy was gone, his will to find answers had been swiped from him, and even with the onset fear of dream or techno coming for their revenge couldn’t get him to push his legs forward and prepare . for their attack, for a search for charlie, for death. none of it mattered.
quackity can barely register the warm light from the candle on his bedside table, just the feel of the cold unused sheets of his bed on his cheeks before he was unconscious.
—
quackity honestly felt horrible, so he immediately knows he’s slept for more than his usual 3-4 hours he’d been barely managing the last few weeks. the sunlight was hidden behind the blinds, but he can see where someone intentionally left them open so a sliver of light could get through, knowing the avian couldn’t resist waking up with the sun. his bones ache, his head hurt, he hissed a sting as his sensitive skin rubs along the sheets, refusing to care for the burns he gained jumping into the lava after slime, as if he could’ve ever saved him from that.
quackity doesn’t know how he manages to cry even now, but the tears build and he shoves his face back into the duvet, ignoring the stinging from his burns as he tries to regain composure.
he gets his face impassive again just as there’s a knock on the door.
“quackity?” sam’s soft hesitant voice sounds from the other side, like he knows the avian’s already awake. quackity would find that habit sweet, but he can barely feel anything over the pain in his aching body and the burning hole in his heart.
“yeah, sam.” quackity replies, his voice hoarse from sleep, knowing the other would have just waited until he was invited in, no matter how long it took.
the door opens, and sam is doing his best to keep his eyes from revealing just how concerned he is for quackity, another habit he wishes he could appreciate, instead it just makes him feel even more tired.
sam starts by giving him a general run down of updates since he’s been out. foolish had to make a quick trip to get some finishing supplies for the casino opening, fundy was officially moved into the las nevadas hotel, and no sign of dream yet.
as he speaks he subtlety picks up around quackity, quackity more exhausted than he realizes when he sees how sam had set out a clean set of clothes for him to change into, as well as laid out bandages and some homemade balm for his burns.
when he finishes, quackity just stares from his bed, sam is patient, but quackity can see how the worry is hidden behind those eyes, hidden from anyone not looking enough. quackity wants to thank him, wants to yell at him for not keeping dream locked away, wants to cry into his arms like the child he sometimes feels like. he thinks sam would let him, he knows he would. it makes quackity ache, how maybe to a lot of people on the server they wouldn’t think quackity or sam deserve sympathy or comfort, but how badly they both ache for each.
quackity doesn’t realize how long they stare at each other, sam at quackity and quackity at sam, though only one of them really seeing the other. long enough for sam to break, and a weak sad “ alex .” to come from his lips. if quackity had the capacity to feel any more pain, he would imagine his chest would’ve twinged, a tiny tugging at his heart at the sound. as it happens though, it’s like tugging open a wound already bleeding, he can hardly feel it over the existing pain.
quackity closes his eyes, eyelashes damp from either his last cry or the tears building now, he doesn’t know. he see’s overwhelming oranges and reds behind his lids and he forces them open. “okay, okay .”
he gets dressed, sits there in his undershirt as sam lathers more than enough of the cream on his burns, it smells like something medicinal, with a hint of aloe and something else floral. it’s all he smells as he sits there until sam sees fit, and it somehow pushes past the ever-present scent of burnt flesh.
sam hadn’t been around much lately when it came to the opening of the casino. after his builds, and their meetings at the prison, sam still hadn’t committed to becoming a las nevadas native. quackity wonders if dream had still been locked up had sam spent as many days out in the desert after charlie died. he doesn’t want to know the answer.
there isn’t much left to do with the casino, foolish’s final trip to collect materials was only for cosmetic purposes. the machines were ready, the floors long finished, the quiet humming of running electricity greeted them as they made final rounds through the large ballrooms. it was a slow round, quackity feeling every inch of his aching body, both from jumping into the lava and from refusing to get treated after. the balm for his burns helped keep his skin from feeling like it had the last few days, like it was being ripped apart every time he breathed, but he was still weak. but quackity was a professional, and he knew how to shove that deep down when it comes to getting his work done, even if sam and fundy had to avoid their eyes when he winced and pretend to prolong their conversation so quackity had a minute to rest by the slot machines.
by the end of the day, quackity could barely keep his eyes open. it was only after lunch when sam and fundy cleared them for the day. they usually went through the checklists long into the evening, only returning once the sun had set, but with the excuse of nothing left to be done until foolish returned, and quackity’s healing body they called it quits.
he’d usually grumble and demand they don’t treat him like glass, but his burns were hurting again, the temporary solution of the balm now fading, his skin begging for more. more awake than he felt in the morning, quackity doesn’t want to allow sam to follow him up to his room to help.
“i can handle it on my own, sam.” quackity tells him from the doorway, sam looking like he’s ready to push past him or force himself in.
“ale– quackity, i can help, it’s fine.” sam was struggling to keep his concern from his face, the urge to help him fighting with his knowledge that quackity could easily cut him off if he catches an inkling of pity in his eyes. quackity doesn’t have the heart to tell him he can see it anyways.
“no, sam, go home.” sam’s eyes flash with a hint of hurt, and quackity curses under his breath, calming his tone so he doesn’t hurt the creeper’s feelings. “you’ve been out here every day, get some rest.” quackity nods in the general direction of where he assumes sam heads out to when he needs time to himself. “sleep, eat something good, goodnight sam, come back when foolish gets here.”
sam places a palm on the door before quackity can shut it. “who’s going to watch over you?”
it’s the most honest question quackity’s heard from him in weeks, he’s no longer hiding how overwhelmingly concerned he is for the avian. how badly he wants to watch over him. quackity doesn’t understand it, how both he and sam have lost and pushed away so many, but still managed to want to give their love to those who may not deserve it, including each other.
there’s a want in quackity too, to give in, to let sam take care of him. there’s an undeniable paternal instinct that sam has, to protect, and quackity wants to be protected. it doesn’t matter that they are merely a few years apart in age, there’s a part of quackity that sees something in sam that he’s never had, even if it’d be embarrassing to admit out loud.
and maybe some of the reason quackity is pushing him away now is because of his history, of quackity’s aversion to touch, to trusting people, to let sam in is to trust that sam won’t leave. but there’s another that sees the concern and the exhaustion in the creeper’s eyes, how he’s been in that prison for months, how he’s had to be by quackity’s side despite everything quackity had thrown at his face. how he didn’t hesitate when foolish told him that they needed him, that quackity needed him, that something has happened and quackity was hurt.
if sam staying showed he cared, then quackity asking him to leave was quackity showing that he did too.
“i’m okay, sam.” quackity knew it was a lie, he wasn’t. but for the night, he thinks he could be. even if he got no sleep, couldn’t reach all the places his burns sat on his own. he could manage for a night, just one.
sam looked ready to argue, but he also looked closer to giving in. before he could do either, fundy appeared around the corner, clearing his throat at the tension in the air.
“foolish is here.”
sam nodded, opening his mouth to reply when fundy looked up to meet quackity’s eyes dead on.
“he’s not alone.”
—
quackity can sense how tense fundy and sam are as they approached the toll bridge. he himself was feeling it too, but he wasn’t worried so much as… awkward?
they didn’t have the whole story, at least not the latest one, so they stood up straight and defensive as foolish and the newcomer stepped into las nevadas.
sapnap looked as bright and handsome as ever, he carried a share of materials foolish had set out to collect, the two strolling casually like their greeters weren’t clenching their jaws at the sight of him.
quackity thinks he has about twenty seconds before they’re in earshot to explain to his two right-hand men that sapnap is not an enemy.
all he has the chance to come up with is, “don’t worry, he’s cool.”
sam scowls immediately, knowing there’s a story there, meanwhile fundy loses his eyebrows into his hairline, but otherwise relaxes just a bit.
sapnap is smiling slightly when they meet eyes, though he’s apprehensive. their last conversation hadn’t been the greatest, one of the worsts actually, but they had agreed to stay allies, and quackity had told him he was welcomed, even if his other half was not.
there’s also a worry in sapnap’s eyes that’s already there before he can properly see quackity, see his burns and his red tired eyes. so foolish must’ve at least mentioned something during their trip. quackity isn’t sure if he’s upset about that.
sapnap smiles easily though, only at quackity. he nods politely at the other two, but he’s only got eyes on the avian.
“hey, q.” his voice is like warm water flapping at his cold feet, nervous but inherently good .
“hey, sap.” the nickname falls from his lips just as easily, and the fondness in his tone can’t be helped. he feels sam tense next to him, and he childishly feels like a kid being caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
it’s quiet for a moment, the two just taking each other in, sapnap isn’t obvious in how he glances him over, taking note of every burn and visible wound he can see, but quackity can see it and lets it happen anyway. he’s learned long ago there’s not much he’d say no to when it comes to sapnap.
foolish coughs awkwardly, “uh, anyway, got the stuff. i know i was supposed to be back tomorrow but sapnap offered to help with the load so i was able to get it all in one trip.” foolish held out his half to fundy, who took it and struggled slightly under the weight of them. “it’s kinda late though, so we could start on the finishes tomorrow?”
he looks at quackity for an answer, but quackity doesn’t miss the calculating look he tosses to sam. he knows if he told them to, they’d start working on it tonight, but with sam breathing down his neck about him resting he knows that’s a fight he won’t win. well, not one he’s willing to try to win anyway, quackity hates losing.
“yeah, that sounds best,” quackity can feel their relief, and doesn’t let them sit in their win for long. “sam was just leaving actually.”
foolish and fundy turn to sam, concerned, knowing they don’t have as much luck when it comes to getting quackity to rest or let them watch over him. sam rolls his eyes, turning away from his watch on sapnap to face quackity directly.
“quackity i told you–“ sam started, frustrated and bleeding with worry.
“no, sam.” quackity wasn’t harsh, but he was stern, and he was tired. they all watched with sadness in their eyes at how obvious it was. quackity burned with embarrassment for being so vulnerable, hoping sapnap had unlearned to read him so well so he’d miss the exchange. “i told you , go home. get some rest. all of you, we’ll work in the morning.” he swallowed down the lump in his throat, ears red hot from the admittance of his weakness. “i’m fine, you don’t have to watch over me.”
there it was, the acknowledgment of what they were doing. despite all of his mistakes, despite losing charlie, despite forcing them to work for him and manipulating their trust. even after all that, they were here, them. making sure he slept, that he ate, that his burns didn’t worsen. they did their best to not say it out loud, even though it was obvious, for his benefit, so he wouldn’t feel ashamed and weak . but he was tired, and so were they, so if admitting it would get them to rest as well, for him to get a minute alone, then he’d do it.
“he’s right.”
quackity turned to sapnap, not forgetting his presence but wishing it weren’t there, to not see him so vulnerable. but here he was, agreeing with him. quackity felt a tug at his bleeding heart, this one not causing him any pain. sapnap hadn’t taken his eyes off of him, and the sun behind him created almost a halo around his entire being.
quackity appreciated the back up, even managing a real smile, a tiny upwards curl at the corner of his lips. it grants him one back, a bright one, the one sapnap use to give him when quackity would press kisses to his hands when they sat alone in the garden. he blinks away that memory, and sapnap is still shining so brightly in front of him.
“see, sapnap agrees,” quackity uses to fuel his argument, turning back to the unimpressed eyes of sam, and the curious ones of foolish and fundy. “i’m fine on my own.”
before the three could argue, sapnap interrupts.
“ actually. that’s not what i meant.” quackity turns to glare at him, no real heat behind it, but otherwise still annoyed. sapnap’s cute smile turns just a bit amused. he steps closer, not close enough to touch quackity, but to make it clear they were on the same side here, facing the others now.
“ what did you mean?” sam asks for them all, his usual unimpressed tone heavy in his voice. quackity would think it’s funny, had he not been weak and mourning, he would have blushed and giggled, maybe turned to the right and made a joke about disproving parents to another in a bright-colored hoodie–
quackity’s chest aches, and he leans on his right foot, as if to add just an inch of space between him and sapnap.
sapnap gives quackity a little curious look, quackity raising his eyebrows at him. “i can watch him.”
“ you?–“
“wait what–“
“okay, no.”
“ watch me?!” quackity turned to him, now angry and offended, glare hard and mean. it would’ve had foolish or fundy squirming, calling for sam to meddle, but annoyingly it just makes sapnap grin.
“yeah, watch you. take care of you.” sapnap explains like he’s talking to a toddler and not the leader of a nation and shrugs. “you’re not well enough to be alone, that much is clear.” he gives a dramatic wave at quackity’s person, as if his physical appearance is proof enough, and it was.
foolish and fundy had their eyes blown wide, glancing at quackity like he could explode any minute. they’d spent so long careful with their words, never outright saying how they’d been taking care of him, and here sapnap was, announcing it to the world.
quackity was offended, he was annoyed , but he also hadn’t felt anything but pain for days, and sapnap was looking at him like he wanted him to disagree, ready to prove him wrong. and quackity felt a bit more alive than he had since before he thought dream escaped prison.
but still, quackity didn’t need a handler.
“i know you don’t.” sapnap answers before quackity could realize he said that out loud. “but you’re not looking too hot right now, quacks, and i think we’d all rest better knowing someone could keep an eye on you.” quackity didn’t like it, or at least didn’t want to like it, how easily sapnap spoke to him, how he didn’t hold back his words. sapnap never did, not with them. not with quackity, not with… with karl.
“i don’t need anyone to keep an eye on me.” quackity was losing the bite his tone, suddenly the exhaustion creeping up on him all at once. he looked away from sapnap as a new familiar ache reached him, and he somehow managed to feel his bleeding heart pulse as it recalls even more loss he still hasn’t recovered from.
sam looks worried, and angry, and quackity knows if he said one word, sapnap would be kicked out of las nevadas, before any of them could protest.
but sam also looked tired, and so did foolish and fundy. quackity may have lost his best friend, but they lost someone too, even if they hadn’t grown as attached as quackity did, even if they don’t carry the guilt with them like he did.
and sapnap. sapnap was warmth, standing next to him, he was heat and comfort and someone quackity used to know. no, not used to, because quackity made a promise on that thunderous day when his world fell apart for good, he made a choice. and he told sapnap he was always welcome. and quackity has lost too many friends lately to not stick to his choices.
“… but maybe just this once.” quackity settled on. he knew he couldn’t take back the words once they were out there. and the look sapnap gave him made him sure to never regret them. he looked both relieved and pleased, and his smile was warmer than any sunny day the desert could offer.
“perfect, so let’s start by getting you inside. you look tired, q.” sapnap knew the quicker he could get him inside the less chance he had to change his mind. and as annoyed as the comment made him, he was tired.
he can see sam’s hesitation, and the three others follow him up to the doors of the elevator. sam gives him one last questioning look, and quackity placates him by offering something he hopes is a smile.
“got any of that balm left?” quackity asks him, and sam relaxes his shoulders, releasing out a tired sigh.
“yeah.” sam nods, and it sounds like an answer to a question no one else hears. “i left it on your counter. i’ll bring more tomorrow.” sam eyes him one last time, and allows his worry to bleed through before he leaves. “call me, whatever hour, i’ll be here in minutes.”
quackity doesn’t deserve it, sam’s comfort, but he also doesn’t deserve quackity’s, so quackity answers him as genuinely as he can. “of course, sam. get some sleep.”
sapnap gets him into the elevator, and the doors shut and they’re moving upward, the tired eyes of his friends fading as they speed toward the top.
the doors open again and quackity is glad that sam had cleaned up this morning, the knowledge finally hitting him that sapnap is in his room with him. not for the first time, but the first since… that night.
sapnap doesn’t make a big notion of it, just gently guides quackity to the bed without touching him. quackity isn’t sure if it’s because of their newfound distance or because of the burns that litter his skin. but he appreciates it nonetheless
“take off your clothes.”
quackity blanches, “ what the fuck did you say?”
sapnap laughs, loud and embarrassed, “sorry that came out wrong. i'm gonna run your bath. leave your shit here and i’ll get it.”
quackity shakes off his own awkwardness, ignoring the way he can feel his blush growing to his ears. “you don’t even know where all my shit is.” he complies anyway by taking off his outer top, taking his time unbuttoning it so he doesn’t tear open his healing wounds.
“no, but i can look around and find out.” sapnap calls from the en suite, setting the water on and sticking his hands under it, flicking his hand dry when it’s the desired temperature. he comes back to quackity in just his pants. he does a good job at looking at quackity’s burns without making quackity feel anymore naked than he actually was, politely looking away when quackity shifts in his seat. “it’s ready, do you need any help, uh,–“ he finally shows some discomfort, rubbing the back of his neck, though he doesn’t seem completely opposed to helping quackity bathe.
quackity chuckles at his embarrassment, and sapnap relaxes at the sound. “nah, i got it.” he steps up to the bathroom, sapnap moving out of his way, just before he closes the door behind him he gives him a quiet, “thanks.”
sapnap smiles, “if you need anything…”
quackity doesn’t answer him, but closes the door with a smile.
—
quackity didn’t have time to really think over how weird it was to have his ex-fiancé in his home being his temporary caretaker so his somewhat adoptive father got some fuckin’ sleep for once.
he had planned to contemplate it over in his alone time in the bath, but the water as comforting as it was had completely washed away the balm for the burns, and his skin was starting to sting. he can handle the pain, he was good at that, but with the knowledge of where these wounds came from, he was working himself into a panic attack in the bath.
he can feel it coming, each shift in the water had him rub against his sensitive skin and he’d wince and shut his eyes and see red and orange and smell burnt flesh–
quackity shifted out for the water too fast, eyes forced open as he tried to get his breathing under control. he moved too quickly, and his body ached, curled over the edge of the tub. he managed to calm his breathing, but the slosh of his movement definitely caused some noise, because only a second later there was a knock at the door.
“quackity?” sapnap called, and he didn’t wait for an answer as he opened the door slightly, not enough to see inside but enough so they’d hear each other better. “you okay?”
quackity was still trying to catch his breath, and used the first excuse he could, because it was the truth. “y-yeah, just moved too fast.” quackity let out a sigh, just wanting sapnap to shut the door while he calmed himself. “i’ll be out in a minute.”
sapnap hesitated, quackity can still feel his presence at the door, but he knew better than to ask again. “i’m right outside if you need me.”
quackity let out a long breath, “i know, sap.”
sapnap waited a minute more, then shut the door again.
with the door shut quackity didn’t hide his groan, he picked himself up onto the edge of the tub, letting the water drip over the edge of it and wet the floor, he didn’t care. he waited until his breath was completely back to normal before attempting to dress. and he took notice then that sapnap had just brought him a pair of shorts and an old shirt with the sleeves cut off.
he didn’t bother drying his hair, running a towel over it once so it didn’t drip, but he could feel tiny droplets fall onto his shirt. the act of it exhausting him more than it should.
sapnap had set the bed while he waited, pulling back the covers. he had also set up a tiny station by his desk where quackity assumes is his next destination, if the open balm sam had left behind and lit candle were any indication.
sapnap smiled at him, again, and quackity found it easier each time to smile back. “come here.” his voice was quiet, low and gentle like the light flickering from the candles.
quackity didn’t question it anymore, the bath had taken any bit of his energy left. he sat on the stool with a calm sigh, a yawn escaping as sapnap lathered his hands up with sam’s cream.
“if it hurts at all…” sapnap told him, and quackity just nodded, not knowing how to tell him it always hurts.
it takes a moment for quackity to realize it's the first time he’s had sapnap’s hands on him in… months. since before the fight, where quackity had refused to get too close, since before las nevadas, and kinoko… since.
quackity can’t remember. but sapnap’s hands are warm, and it reminds him of something someone told him, how when you get a burn you should put it under warm water not cold. and it feels so nice, the balm warming under sapnap’s hot hands. the way they’re rough from sword fighting, from building, from all the mess and fights he gets into, but still gentle and soft. he rubs gentle palms on quackity’s arms, over his knuckles even though those healed the easiest and the quickest.
quackity doesn’t notice he’s crying until he feels sapnap tilt his head back and the tears fall from the edges of his eyes. sapnap looks devastated for him, but continues his process of caring for his wounds. quackity chokes on a sob when sapnap gets onto his knees and caresses along his knees, practically massages his sore legs.
when he’s finished and every inch of exposed skin is covered in soothing aloe scented cream, he sits up on his knees and tilts quackity’s crying face down to his level.
quackity doesn’t move, doesn’t reach for him, let’s sapnap hold his face in his gentle, gentle hands. he cries, tears flowing like all he has left in him are tears. he hiccups as sapnap shushes him, caressing his thumbs over his eyes, brings his forehead to his and just rests against him.
“s-sapnap i– sap–“ quackity tries to say something , an apology for crying, to beg for more comfort, to ask him to leave so he won’t see him like this, he doesn't know.
“shh, q, shh, it’s okay.” sapnap whispers, like quackity is delicate , not weak, but like he wants to protect him. quackity sobs again, and can’t help it when his hands come up to hold sapnap’s wrists, rubbing circles along the soft skin there.
he’s babbling before he can even notice, all the pent up anger, the hurt, the pain, all of it, he sees and feels nothing but his bleeding heart exploding and sapnap’s caring hands on his face. “it’s my fault, he’s gone and it’s my fault–“
sapnap shakes his head, softly so he doesn’t dislodge their touch, “no, q, it isn’t.”
he cries harder, gripping sapnap’s arms like he’d fade if he let go, and a part of him wishes that was true. that he’d fade into nothing so the pain could leave him.
“y–yes it is, he’s gone and i couldn’t stop it–“ quackity hiccups and ignores sapnap’s attempts to comfort him, overwhelmed with it, everything all at once, doesn’t stop the next words that escape him. “c–couldn’t stop you leaving, everyone leaves, y–you left, and so did k–k–“ quackity can’t say his name, not on top of everything.
sapnap shushes him, his hold remaining soft and careful, but becoming more , like sapnap wants to hold him tighter without hurting his healing body. “no, q, i'm here aren’t i?”
quackity shakes his head, sapnap keeping him steady so they could stay pressed together like they were, forehead to forehead. “no, you’re g– gone.”
sapnap pulls away to look him in the eye, only a breaths away, wiping his tears so quackity can see him clearer, though his tears were still flowing. “i’m right here , quackity. do you see me? do you feel my hands on your face, do you hear my voice? i’m here. i’m not gone. never, i’m right here.”
and quackity couldn’t argue with him, he could feel him, see him, see how intensely he saw quackity. he had stayed, sent everyone else home and he stayed here, when he didn’t have to.
quackity hiccuped again, breath calming but still crying, and sapnap smiled at the sound.
“you’re here.” quackity told him. and sapnap smiled that smile again, the one he used when quackity use to do something cute when no one was looking, like steal kisses from him in the garden when they had nothing to hide.
“i’m here , quackity.” sapnap answered, and tilted his head down to press a delicate kiss to his hair. “i’m here, baby.”
quackity seemed to be all cried out, but the hiccups kept coming, his chest was still aching, but sapnap was here, he was here.
“i miss him.” quackity tells him, when he can speak without stuttering over a sob, and sapnap was still wiping tears from his face. sapnap doesn’t ask who him is, but he can take a couple of guesses. he decides to go with the one he didn’t know about.
“tell me about him?” sapnap asks, caring and careful. and maybe if it was someone else, sam or fundy or foolish, he’d say no. because quackity can’t do it, can’t talk about him without opening other wounds, other places he messed up, other mistakes he made.
but sapnap is asking, and sapnap stayed, sapnap won’t leave, at least not tonight. so quackity takes a deep breath, and sapnap leans forward to kiss at his hands still gripping tightly on his wrists.
this entire night the bleeding chest had been flowing without stopping, hurting, and quackity decides if it’s going to bleed he’ll push the blood forward and create a wave with the pain oozing out of him.
he picks open the wound, and holds sapnap’s hands as he does it, because sapnap asked.
sapnap watches him the entire time, patient and understanding and here.
quackity sighs, and the tears are still falling, and he nods.
“so… his name was charlie…”