Work Text:
It starts, because of course it does, on a Monday.
Dazai is sluggish and tired as he drags himself into his chair at the Armed Detective Agency— already battering off a growing hangover. Kunikida drops off a stack of paperwork the second he's settled, which is just rude.
Ignoring the fact that it's all the work he didn't do last week, of course, it's almost downright cruel . Dazai should really call up HR about how Kunikida treats him.
He manages to pile off most of it to his beloved little protégé—and the stuff he doesn't… Well, by the time he gets around to it, it's already his lunch time. Oh well! What a shame. Really.
Though, when his phone goes off with a piercing ping on his lunch hour, his first instinct is to crawl under his desk and never come back out, cup noodles be damned. Because the noise is loud and is the worst and he wants to die—
—And then the noise finally registers as familiar.
He yanks his phone off the desk with a speed he would later vehemently deny. Pausing his new incredibly important business only to put the damned android on silent.
Slug
literally what the fuck do they mean there are no letters from "adieu" in todays game
they're fucking lying
Oh jesus christ
Wrong number. Ignore this, Dazai
You
wtf.
I will not. tyvm.
What are you talking about
What game
Can I beat you in it
I mean I definitely can bc I beat you in everything but
Name?
Name please
Name!!
Now!!!!!!!!
Slug
Kill yourself.
You
no not today I moved that to tomorrow's plans
Slug
Oh. What. Something new come up?
You
ya
beating you in this game
now the naaaameeeeeeeeeeeee!!???
Slug
Absolutely fucking not.
Dazai glares at his phone as he shoves it back onto the desk, wincing at the clang it makes.
Fine, then. If Chuuya wasn't going to tell him, he could find out in other ways.
Correction: he would find out in other ways.
By Tuesday— oh, by Tuesday, does Dazai fucking know what Wordle is.
A stupid game. An idiotic game, even. One that Dazai did not spend multiple hours on an unlimited version, absolutely not. He doesn't need to practice, because it's so simple that, really, he could guess it in one try, if he wanted to.
"What the fuck do you mean there's no letters from fucking tears!? " He shrieks, slamming his head against the wall. Atsushi jumps from where they were sitting beside him, but he pays it no mind.
He just… is playing on hard mode. So he wasn't figuring it out in one go—like he absolutely could —for ultimate… uh, practice. To make sure he's the best.
Obviously.
Dazai's eye twitches as the X/6 stares him down.
Just a practice game.
Obviously.
"Ah, Dazai-san… could I have my phone back now?" Atsushi asks, silently shuffling back to where they were before. Dazai lets out a long-winded sigh, draping his arms over his face.
"This game is rigged." He says, voice high and whiny as he knocks his head against the wall again, pathetically.
On purpose, of course. He's always aiming for sympathy, after all. Because seriously, is Atsushi's phone better than his own, and he really doesn't want to give it up yet—
"... Eh?" Atsushi says, eyebrows furrowed as they stare at Dazai.
"Well—I mean, really, Atsushi, look! The board is bullshit!" He curses, shoving the phone into Atsushi's hands so they can perceive the absolute hell that Dazai was given. That he did not put himself in.
He only slightly mourns the loss of the phone. Because Dazai is mature.
"Permission to speak freely, Dazai-san?" Atsushi asks, after a moment. Dazai raises an eyebrow.
"... You only put down loser for five of them—and then tears for the last column?"
"Yes?"
"... Why?" Atsushi asks.
"I thought it was lying." He says simply.
Atsushi nods, eyes barren as they go back to looking at their phone. A small ah noise being the only verbal reply Dazai gets.
It's a Wednesday when Dazai does not give up. Because Dazai Osamu does not give up.
It's a Wednesday when Dazai… calls in a friend. Asks for the faintest bit of assistance. Allows someone to be considered in his Wordle plans—something very important. Fucking obviously.
So. No, going to Ranpo is not cheating. It is… allowing his close friend to also have a moment of thought. A mindless warm-up to get his thoughts going. It's important for a detective to be sharp, after all. So, honestly, Dazai was doing Ranpo a favor by going to him.
That's all to say—
"What the fuck is Wordle?" Ranpo asks, legs crossed as he sits on top of Dazai's desk.
Goddamnit.
"It's—how have you not heard of Wordle?" Dazai asks, incredulous. Ranpo shrugs, leaning over to stare at Dazai's phone, and the very, very empty Wordle board.
"Isn't this the thing you got into like, two days ago?" Ranpo asks.
"No. Obviously not. It's been a hobby of mine for months— "
Ranpo gives him a flat look.
Dazai hates that fucking look.
"... Fine. Yes. It is. You have to guess what five letter word it is, and you have six tries. I need to know what Today's is." He explains, handing Ranpo the phone. He takes it, and looks at it like a cat looks at a mouse it killed.
Like it doesn't know what to fucking do with it.
"Can you not… play it and figure it out?" He asks, and Dazai wants to scoff.
"No. Because I need a perfect one. I need it to be immediate, first try."
" Why?"
"... No reason." Dazai says. Suddenly incredibly uncomfortable with the conversation. He coughs, rubbing at the back of his neck as he diverts eye-contact.
"Oh my God. Is this a fucking dick measuring contest with—" Ranpo's hands fly around for a minute, obviously looking for something that seems to be evading his mind. "—Fucking, uh, Mr. Fancy Hat, guy?"
Dazai stares at Ranpo for a moment.
" Is that what you call Chuuya?"
"Chuuya. Yes. That's his name. I knew that." Ranpo snaps his fingers. In a way that tells Dazai that he absolutely did not know that.
"... Well. Like you knew his name. I've been playing Wordle. So I need Today's answer." He stresses, and Ranpo nods, but still looks just as lost. A strange look for the detective in question.
"Do you want me to just fucking… put in a random word?" He asks, and Dazai quickly nods.
"I trust you better than I trust myself." Dazai says, and does a quick prayer to a God he does not believe in as Ranpo puts in the answer and—
"Oh my God."
Oh my God.
Dazai is not overreacting when he throws his phone when Ranpo does guess it on the first try. How dare you ever say that.
It's Thursday. Twenty-four hours remain, and all that.
See, for all the intense training he's had over the week, he allows Thursday to be a calm day. It's absolutely not because he actually has to like, do his job, or anything. No. It's completely in his control and of his own choice. Being dragged around by Kunikida while they hunt some dude down so they can arrest him is just a part of that choice.
He's needed fresh air, after all. What's fresher air than the air of an abandoned building? Absolutely nothing. That's what.
They get back later in the day—closer to when the Agency locks up than not, so Dazai decides that the paperwork can wait for a different day. He's done enough Today. He nullified a man's Ability! That's a lot of work! He had to touch the guy.
Which was awful. For reasons outside of sensory. The guy obviously did not shower and Dazai is pretty sure he can still smell the greese on his palm.
So. Paperwork is an obvious no. Which leads him to what has been his favorite hobby over the past week—
Slug
This one was easier than usual
Fucking better be after lapse
Literally what the fuck was that
You
No literally fuck lapse
And also fuck watch
Slug
FUCKKKK WATCH
Wordle 287 2/6
🟩⬛️🟨🟩⬛️
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
You
Wordle 287 5/6
⬛️⬛️🟨⬛️🟩
🟨⬛️⬛️⬛️🟩
🟩⬛️🟨⬛🟩
🟩⬛️🟨🟨🟩
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Fuck you
Slug
EAT SHITTTTTT
You
FUCK YOU
Slug
YOU FUCKING SUCK SO MUCH ASS
You
SHUT THE FUCK UP
DIE
FUCK YOU
SHORT FREAK
Slug
YOU ARE FUCKING ILLITERATE
You
SAYS THE ONE WHO WAS IN A STREET GANG??????????
Slug
IT WAS FUCKING HOUSE DAZAI
HOUSE
HOW DID IT TAKE YOU FIVE FUCKING TRIES
You
I'm going to manifest in your home and destroy everything you love
And then, it's Friday.
It's fucking go time.
Everything— everything has been leading up to this. Everything in his life. Every pain and agony has led up to this moment. Every laugh, every tear, every broken bone. Everything.
He is fucking ecstatic. And it shows.
He doesn't shoulder off any work—though, he deserves to, on a day like this—and with every paper he files away and gets to, the unhinged excitement simply builds.
Ranpo only watches with a knowing gaze while every other Agency member steers clear of Dazai throughout the day—understandable, really. His incoherent murmurings under his breath make no sense to anyone but himself, after all.
By the time lunch rolls around, it's both been too long and not long enough. He's almost too excited to remember to shove the absolutely not microwavable cup noodles into the microwave.
Chemicals be damned. Boiling water is too much fucking work.
And then, on cue—
Ping!
—Like the cat that got the goddamn cream, Dazai grins.
He looks down at his phone, the screen flashing over and over again as more and more messages come through.
Hm. He pretends to be shocked. Seems he's busy during lunch once again! Drat, his noodles were almost done, too. What a pain , really.
To not keep his important messenger waiting—he only drags on his meal for another seven minutes before finally tiring of the notifications and opening his phone as he walks back to his desk.
Slug
No seriously do you know what it is
I don't even care about cheating at this point
I need to keep my fucking streak
Ask your fucking detective dude to text me if you don't want to fail I don't know
Give me SOMETHING you ASSHOLE
Dazai.
DAZAI
Wordle 288 X/6
🟩⬛️🟨⬛️⬛️
🟩⬛️⬛️🟨⬛️
🟩🟩⬛️⬛️⬛️
🟩🟩⬛️⬛️⬛️
🟩🟩🟨⬛️⬛️
🟩🟩🟨⬛️⬛️ fuck this
Dazai grins down at his phone, unhinged glee filtering through as he pushes himself back into his office chair. Doing a little spin, even, for good measure. He would laugh, too, do the full nine yards, but no, no, that must wait. Good things come to those who are patient, after all.
And Dazai has been a very patient man, this past week.
You
?
What does the X/6 mean
Slug
Fuck you
It means I didn't get it
You
I know.
I just wanted to see you say the words
Slug
Fuck you
Fuck you
Fuck you
Go straight to hell
I hope you fucking die
Fuck you
You
Oh
BTW
Wordle 288 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Slug
FUCK YOU
Dazai only hums as he shuts off his phone once again. Anything further would surely let out a floodgate of reactions he's barely holding back. His phone continues to ping, somehow managing to seem more and more violent with every vibration. Still, his lunch break was ever-so-quickly over, and who was Dazai to cause stress to his lovely, lovely friends? He would never. He's a changed man, really.
(This is ignoring the grin spread across his face. So wide it surely hurts. This is also ignoring the burning feeling of victory that pools around his entire body, leading his legs and arms to tingle).
… Though, it's only ten minutes after everyone settles back into work mode, that his phone starts going off. And after the seventh call, Kunikida glares at him. A look that could and would kill, which makes Dazai flush, giving his partner an apologetic look.
"You mind if I take this?" Dazai asks, voice filled with incredibly real and true kindness and sympathy. And definitely not glee. Not at all. No.
"If you don't, " Kunikida hisses. "You will not live to see tomorrow."
"Awh," Dazai grins. "You promise?"
He narrowly dodges the book that slams his way, and doesn't look at the caller as he tucks his phone under his shoulder. His legs stretch out automatically, resting comfortably against the papers he still needs to file.
He, in turn, of course, dodges another book.
"Hello, Chuuya!" He chirps, all too sharp. He hears garbled, angry, loser noises from the other end of the call. He barely holds in a hyena level cackle.
" I'm going to fucking kill you." Chuuya hisses out. All bark, no bite, and Dazai sighs.
"Uh-huh, so harsh, slug. You know that's no way to talk to your best—"
" Finish that sentence and I will—"
"— Friend~! In the whole world, right? Right?"
There's a pause. A pause so long Dazai is almost concerned that Chuuya hung up on him.
"Did you know it only takes a forty-five minute drive on the motorcycle to reach your fucking Agency from my apartment?"
Dazai goes still.
"Chuuya— hey, hey. Listen. That's—we don't have to go that far, right? What's a little word play between friends, right—?"
"You will not fucking survive to see Monday."
"This is not as fun as a threat as it was the first time—"
Dazai's phone beeps pathetically as Chuuya hangs up on him.
Well. Looks like someone is still a sore loser. Not even ages fixes that, it seems.
… He'll also keep the semi death threat to himself. Today had been boring, after all. What's a little attempted murder between friends?