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Juwon realizes he doesn't have his shit together.
I mean, of course he knew, that was the whole reason he went to therapy since he was a kid but– he thought now that he was an adult, that he was different– better, not alone, he thought he had it together, that he was fixed. But he's not.
Juwon sits in bed, too cold, too big, too soft, for him to sleep. Sheets drawn up to his legs, which he hugs with his arms, in a literal attempt to hold himself together; the clock reads 5:31am, he really could and should be sleeping for two hours more at least, but he can't.
"He's coming back soon, don't be ridiculous." He tries to put as much intent as he can on those words, but talking to the empty room, in the empty house, it's just as much as a whisper than anything.
Still he thinks over his words. He's coming back soon, he's coming back… soon, he's coming back right? He has to, at some point right? He wouldn't just leave, when he knows you're in his house and you will be when he comes back.
"He has to come back at some point," he muses, the collar of his shirt goes into his mouth, the one nasty habit he could never get rid off, he holds it between his teeth, just pulling on it as he blankly stares outside the window.
Logically he knows Dongsik is coming back, there's a huge list of reasons why he'd come back, but the biggest one is how Dongsik himself told him– weeks in advance, when he was going, where he was going, why he was going and when he would come back. There was no reason for him to be acting like this, but a part of his brain just wouldn't stop worrying about it, the ever existing possibility of what if– he sighed, big and exasperated, upset at himself, the fabric falling from his mouth wet spot cold against his collarbone, just one weekend and he was losing it.
Then again, he never gave it any thought to it before, but ever since he arrived to Manyang there barely was any time where they weren't together and this was all before they even were– well, together. Even then, there wasn't a single day where they didn't see each other, maybe drawn away in the night to do something, find someone, ever the hound dogs the two of them, working hours or not; but then the next morning both of them would be at the station, pristine as ever.
But the fact remained that– conscious or not, dating or not, this was the first time Juwon spent more than 12 hours without Dongsik. And thinking about this, god it makes him feel so pathetic and needy, it makes him pathetic and needy, which is the only thing keeping him from messaging Dongsik, his fingertips itch to dial the number, he doesn't have it saved because he… he just doesn't want to but he has it memorized, he dials all the digits but one and then just locks the phone and throws it to the bed.
He's not tired.
He can't sleep.
But he doesn't want to be awake for this, so he just… closes his eyes.
"Juwon? I'm home," Dongsik's voice rousing him from sleep, he's so stiff, passed out while still sitting, he stretches out his neck, his arms. Just about to call out to his boyfriend when he enters their room, pushing the ajar door fully open; he doesn't know what gets to him but he feels choked up when he sees him again. "What a punk, you're still in bed? I don't think I've ever seen you in bed past 10am… and it's kind of almost 4pm"
He says with no ill meaning, laughing as he sits on the bed too. But Dongsik notices something's off, so he asks just as much.
At first Juwon simply shrugs, looking small where he sits hugging his knees close to his chest, fragile. It's not a new look in him, but once he'd only seen it during bad situations.
"Come on dear," he motions for Juwon to come closer, even when he himself is the one moving close to him, now sitting against the bed's headboard too. What he doesn't expect, is for Juwon to actually move towards him, hugging his middle and trying to bury his face against his abdomen, he rubs his face against the fabric of his shirt; was his boyfriend not so distressed he'd find it funny with how he curls his legs, getting them all tangled together "what's wrong, hm?"
He wraps one arm around Juwon, and then with his free hand he starts running his fingers through his soft curly hair, he feels Juwon starting to release some of the tension on his shoulders, sagging against him, sinking further into the bed. There's a murmur, words which he cannot make out, Juwon must know it too because he finally turns his head to him, their eyes meet for a second before the younger looks away.
"I said… I know it's really stupid– but, I just missed you." He keeps his eyes closed, balling his fists where he holds the sheets, he wonders if Dongsik will laugh, push him away, get upset, he feels him shifting and his heart jumps to his throat.
"It's not stupid at all, I missed you too, so much. My Juwon," Dongsik starts to pull him up, with a bit of struggle until Juwon gets the hint, looking at him with big doe eyes, perhaps a bit glassy looking. He breathes again, not even sure when he even started holding his breath. My Juwon, he starts repeating in his mind, it makes his heart skip a beat.
They just stay like that for a bit, Juwon absorbing the information and urging himself to believe it– of course he believes it, but he needs to convince every bit of himself, specially the one that tells him Dongsik is going to get sick and tired of him at any given moment, same one that tells him he needs to stop like this– this needy.
"Stop thinking so loudly dear," Dongsik says softly, using his thumb to ease the frown on his face and resuming petting his hair immediately. "I worry that I might've not paid enough attention to you before, this doesn't seem like a new worry hm?"
He hates how smart Dongsik is, hates knowing that he hasn't been as good at hiding how he felt as he thought, but then again you shouldn't hide how you feel from your boyfriend right… right. He raises from where he is, getting on eye-level with him, with full intention of telling him how he feels, what makes him worry at night, but he findsthat said out loud– well he can't, can't figure out exactly what makes him worry, why it makes him worry, other than–
"I am afraid of you leaving... me, and I'm afraid to tell you when I feel like that, because you will think I'm annoying and immature and just, well, leave me, hah." His eyes fill up with tears as soon as the words leave his mouth, very much so on the verge eli a meltdown. Finally putting all those negative feelings and thoughts into actual words, it's no easy task.
"I'm not going anywhere, it was my idea that we live together, remember? I couldn't want you more here with me, in my life, in our house… but I know firsthand that it's not easy to just let go of a feeling like that just because someone else told you to let go so–" Dongsik pulls him again, hugging him properly now, Juwon can't stop the tears that escape him, hiding his face on his boyfriend's neck, clinging to him and to this feeling of safety and belonging, "I'll just make sure to remind you on the daily how much I love you and how much better my life is with you being here. You're not annoying for feeling worried."
Juwon just nods, quietly sobbing as he allows himself to be hugged. They've hugged each other a million times, but it was always a brief touch, just something preceding a kiss, a reward before going to sleep but being hugged like this– comforted like this… he loves it, loves Dongsik.
"I love you too," he whispers after a while, dropping a kiss on Dongsik's neck, just a peck, there's a hand petting his hair still, he gets a squeeze with the other just resting on his back.
"Yeah? That's good, would've been awkward otherwise," the older man jokes, making both of them laugh, "alright big guy, let's go down to the kitchen so I can make us lunch."
Juwon might not be good with being verbal about feelings, but Dongsik has always been good at reading him and he doesn't mind at all having to maneuver around the kitchen with his boyfriend acting like a koala and wanting to hug him even when he's chopping onions.
ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ—––◇–––
It's not that Dongsik is surprised– it's been several weeks already since he had to go to Seoul and then had that talk with Juwon when he came back, the younger had become more open about him wanting attention, usually in the form of physical touch, and not just hugs, just always sitting against him in the couch, grabbing his hand whenever possible, trying to tangle their legs under the table when they ate dinner; it was new but definitely welcomed. But now that he had to leave again, just two days instead of three, Juwon had gone back to being quieter, never a good sign.
"You should come with me." He breaks their silence, they got into bed several hours ago, and Juwon had just plastered himself where he was sitting, reading a book, he had his head against his chest, arms around his middle, the way his neck was bent couldn't be comfortable but he wasn't gonna tell him off in any way; weren't it for their layers of clothing– both of them in sweaters to fend off the winter cold, he would've thought Juwon was doing this to try and hear his heart beating, perhaps he was.
"No, no… this will do me good, I know you'll come back." He says, yet they've been like this for over two hours.
Dongsik even picked a book he had been reading, first resting his hand on top of Juwon's head as a joke, but when he didn't move or complain he switched to petting his hair with one hand, and resting his hand holding the book on his boyfriend's back, he stopped playing with a strand of hair in order to flip the page.
"That's right, I don't know which I hate more, having to go to the Seoul police offices or having to leave you, so I'll come back as soon as possible." That earns him a quiet chuckle, shoulders shaking, making him lose the paragraph he's reading. "But, I will call you, and text you throughout the day, and I fully expect for you to answer when you have free time okay?"
"So needy," it makes him laugh in earnest, it eases his mind, hearing Juwon joking back about it all.
"Guilty, now come up here and give me some kisses, not gonna be able to kiss you for two whole days…" Juwon does as asked, feeling dizzy with the attention he's given, feeling wanted, his boyfriend indulging him on how much he loves it. They kiss once, twice, thrice, never enough times, "maybe you should actually come with me."
Juwon laughs against Dongsik's lips, kisses his cheek, his jaw, loving that feeling of his boyfriend not having shaved in two days; before he goes back for another kiss, a real one. They kiss until he's out of breath, truly dizzy in all senses of the word now.
It's so easy to feel loved like this.