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Kou robotically prepared breakfast for him and his siblings, his mind elsewhere. He was pondering how to bring up something that had been weighing on his mind recently. Teru walked in the kitchen sleepily rubbing his eyes. Kou greeted him and went silent, looking down.
He'd been thinking a lot. About his friends, what it means to be a Minamoto, the differences between right and wrong. If humans and supernaturals were actually all that different. And also about love, if love should ever transcend one's morals. And soon enough, all these things began to weigh on him. He usually bottled up his emotions, but there were things he wanted to discuss with his brother.
Truthfully, it was probably a bad idea to talk to Teru about any of things in his mind. Teru is weird when it comes to supernaturals, after all. That's how he's always been. Kou is probably insane for wanting to talk to him about how he loved a supernatural the way a woman loved a man and how he loved another supernatural as a dear friend.
He could only dream of ever talking to his brother about his best friend, Hanako. Teru already hated his guts; surely he could not stand his little brother gleefully recounting memories of Hanako stuffing so many donuts in his mouth that he got sick. Or the multiple times Kou walked into the girls' bathroom and heard Yashiro screaming something about how Hanako was a pervert or how she wasn't a radish or whatever. He couldn't dramatically whine about Hanako and Yashiro's pining, how he wished they could just get together already. He could never tell Teru about any of the fun times he had with his friends, for one of them was a supernatural.
And he could never even think of telling Teru about Mitsuba. He wanted to tell his brother all about the boy he held dearest to him—the supernatural he was in love with. He wanted to be able to gush about his stupid pink hair and his stupid funny faces. His stupid grin and the stupid way he constantly insults him yet he knows in his heart that Mitsuba never means anything with it and his stupid... Well, everything. Kou wanted to talk about how he was willing to die for him, to give up everything he's ever been taught by his family for him.
After all, there was once a time where Kou could talk to his brother about anything. A time when they were much younger, more naive. He could talk about his homework, his mean math teachers. Then they grew up, and they talked more about Teru's exorcism jobs and their newborn little sister and they began hiding things. They began hiding their emotions; their grief for their mother's passing, the resentment Kou felt for being her substitute, Teru's jealousy of his younger brother.
"Kou, what's for breakfast today?" Teru asked him as he took a seat. He seemed to have noticed Kou's odd behavior and tried to snap him out of it. Kou set down Teru's plate, a slice of bread on it, in front of him. After receiving silence, Teru looked more concerned. "Kou. What's wrong?"
"Teru-nii..." Kou swallowed, but the lump in his throat didn't seem to budge. "What would you do if I became a supernatural?" Kou didn't know what came over him for him to ask something like that. He tried his best to look at Teru firmly, waiting for an answer.
Teru froze in place and comedically dropped his bread, flabbergasted. "That would be the worst!" He exclaimed.
"Why would you want to be a supernatural?" Tiara walked in, laughing at Teru's shocked face. Kou handed her her plate, a wobbly smile on his face.
"I don't. I was... Just wondering. Yeah, just wondering. Forget it." Kou tried to change the topic, avoiding Teru's gaze. But with the look Teru gave him, he knew he was going to confront him later. He dreaded the impending talk, but for now, they kept pretending to be a big happy family eating breakfast for Tiara's sake.
-
After breakfast, Kou swiftly did the dishes and retreated to his room. He opened his door and saw his brother sitting up on his bed wearing an expression he can't describe. Was it anger? Concern? Sadness? He couldn't tell.
"Ah, Teru-nii." Kou jumped a bit before remembering his and Teru's silent promise during breakfast. His stomach dropped and his eyes widen.
"Kou. Do you want to elaborate on what you said earlier?" Teru was looking at him, an intimidating and stern look.
Kou nervously chuckled. He decided to play dumb, for whatever reason. "Uh.. What did I say?"
"You know exactly what you said."
Kou shuddered. It wasn't often he heard Teru's voice go so cold, but it always sent him the chills. He figured there was no going out of this situation and gave one last fruitless attempt at getting Teru off his back. "Just... Forget it. I didn't mean anything. Just forget I ever said anything, please."
Teru just looked at him, his eyes narrowing but losing the hard look he had just a few seconds ago. To Kou's surprise, he sighed, getting up from Kou's bed. He walked up to Kou, staring down at him. "I don't believe you. These days, you're always keeping secrets from me." Kou's breath hitched, and he could almost taste the bitter undertones of Teru's words. "But I won't press any further. Just... Please remember, I'm always here if you need to talk. I'm on your side always." He spoke gently with a soft smile, rubbing Kou's head before turning to leave his room. Kou hated how he always instinctively leaned into the touch and how he immediately missed his brother's hand in his hair. He hated how loud his sigh of relief was. And he hated how he snarked to himself how Teru was a big fat liar, saying he's always on his side.
"And don't do anything stupid." Teru finally said before he closed his door, leaving Kou to stand behind, still craving the ghost of his brother.
-
"Teru-nii, have you ever been in love?"
It was an unexpected question, it made Teru stop in his tracks for a second. He had been walking to their table for lunch. He was a bit early today, hoping he could somehow get something out of Kou about earlier. Kou was, as usual, preparing their lunch. Teru felt a pang of guilt at not being able to do anything to help him. Despite their... Discussion easier, the brothers had somehow maintained their peace throughout the day. Perhaps they were just pretending there wasn't the air of an unasked question following them.
Teru cleared his throat and decided to deflect as he took a seat. "What's this about? Has my little brother got a crush? Do tell me about her. Do I know her? Oh, is it Yashiro? You're always hanging out with her, after all." He chuckled at Kou's increasingly flustered face.
"Wh—?! It's nothing like that. I'm just wondering."
"That's what you said earlier too."
The mood dropped between them at the mention of earlier. Kou felt goosebumps, averting his gaze away from Teru. He can feel his brother's stare on him. Teru looked around for Tiara, and concluded that she probably forgot about lunch and was probably in her room playing with dolls or something. Teru answered his younger brother's question.
"Well... There's someone I like."
Teru spoke almost shyly, Kou had to do a double take before confirming that it was, in fact, his brother. Kou was rather surprised: His brother was quite popular, he had admirers of both men and women, he was basically a celebrity at school. He could have anyone he wanted.
He beamed at his brother. "Really? Who is it?" For once, he wanted to talk to his brother about normal teenage stuff. Crushes, TV shows, people they didn't like at school, and the people they do like. He knew it was his family's job, but he didn't want all of his conversations with his brother to be about supernaturals or exorcisms or how all supernaturals were evil. He wanted to keep pretending they were a big happy family.
"I'm not telling you. Guess." Teru grinned. Kou dramatically brought his hands to his jaw into a thinking motion.
Then it hit him. He barely knew the first thing about his brother. He didn't really know what Teru liked to do in his free time, who Teru was friends with at school, or what Teru thought about all the trending TV shows. He only knew that Teru was his brother, an exorcist, and that he thought all supernaturals were evil. He thought back to when they were much younger and he'd sneak out to watch Teru on his exorcism jobs. He was always so cool. He'd always beam at him, saying how he wanted to be just like him when he grew up. He remembers how Teru would look caught off-guard when he said that, but he'd quickly recover and smile and ruffle his hair. Kou can barely seem to remember anything else about his brother.
"I don't know who you hang out with at school... We're in different divisions after all." Kou admitted defeat, realizing he'll never figure out who Teru's secret crush is. "Why don't you ask her out? You could literally have anyone you wanted. You're like everyone's dream boyfriend."
Teru frowned at that. He frowned because this mysterious crush wasn't a "her." He frowned because Kou sounded like everyone else at school, blindly idolizing him. He frowned because his brother was thinking of high school romances while he thought of late night exorcisms. His brother would live the rest of his life freely, hanging out with friends and falling in love, staying out late at night and talking about girls while Teru was trapped by his family's name. What an ugly emotion, this envy. Kou is his own brother, standing in the same kitchen, yet he feels so far away right now. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "Exorcists have no need for something as trivial as high school romance."
Kou's smile dropped as he stopped walking as well. He understood what his brother was saying, but he still thought it was a bit sad. "Why is that?" He asked. Teru deserved to love someone and be loved, even if its not needed or if its trivial or whatever.
"Exorcists don't need a partner to exorcise supernaturals, do they?" Teru responded as Kou set down a bowl in front of him. Kou didn't know how to answer him. He was right, but Teru was more than exorcist. He's his brother, a friend, a student, the student council president. He could also be someone's boyfriend or future husband or even future father. He's his own person. So Kou tells him all that, because it's true.
Teru smiles sadly, then turns to look at his bowl, moving his spoon but not actually picking anyting up. "Maybe."
Kou had no clue what he meant by "maybe." But he didn't like all this gloomy talk. So he runs his fingers through his hair and smiles in an attempt to look cheerful and asks, "So, tell me about your crush."
"They're in love with someone else." That's all Teru says before he begins eating, leaving Kou to stand behind him dumbfounded. He takes it as a cue to stop talking and calls for Tiara to eat lunch.
They swiftly ate lunch in silence.
-
After lunch, Teru lays on his bed and thinks about love. He thinks about what Kou had said earlier, how Teru was his own person and how he deserved to be loved too and other pretty words that Teru could never understand. Sometimes he resents his little brother. He has all these childish fantasies about falling in love while Teru was the one who gave up his childhood for him to have said fantasies.
Teru thinks about love.
Akane Aoi. A half-supernatural. How ironic, the devoted exorcist falling in love with a half-supernatural. Teru hated and loved Akane. He hated how he made him feel - jealous, bitter, ugly, callous. He hated how he loved watching him, as Teru tied him up and watched him squirm and laughed in his face. The fleeting sense of superiority was addicting, like a drug. He hates how being around him makes him feel a faint ray of hope that perhaps he too could live a normal childhood. But he loved how he's the only one who sees Teru for who he truly is: a coldhearted jerk, a nasty bastard. He loves how he doesn't have to keep up his perfect student and perfect son and perfect everything persona. Teru also loved the reassurance that he could never have him. Akane's heart was for Aoi, and only Aoi. Teru would never fall into temptation because Akane's heart already belonged to someone else. Akane would never look his way, and the apple that had always been begging him to bite would finally begin to rot.
Thinking too much has never done him any good. He might just get carried away and hope for a little bit that maybe he'll grow up and fall in love and be loved and die in love and loved. He's an exorcist before he's human, after all. His duty is to exorcise supernaturals, marry a woman, and have children to carry on the Minamoto legacy. He's not supposed to fall in love with a supernatural or another guy. Teru begins to drift off, stumbling into dreamland where he could hold the hands of the boy he loves and tell him that he loves him.
-
"What if a human fell in love with a supernatural?" Kou mused to himself as he and his siblings got situated at their dinner table. He wanted to see how Teru would react, and maybe, just maybe, he would approve of Kou loving a supernatural.
"They wouldn't be able to get married!" Tiara said as she drooled at the soup Kou had made.
"That's true." Kou said, eyeing Teru from the corner of his eye as he helped Tiara get her fix. He waited for Teru to give his input, but he remained unfazed. Kou continued, "I read a book where a girl falls in love with a ghost. They were cute together, but their relationship couldn't last long." Kou hadn't read a book like that. He was thinking of Yashiro and Hanako. Yashiro, the girl, and Hanako, the ghost. Though they weren't dating, Kou could tell they liked each other. But Hanako is a supernatural. And as much as he'd love for them to be happy together, he knew it couldn't happen. Perhaps he was projecting his own feelings towards Mitsuba onto them.
"What's the point of pursuing a romance like that, when you know it won't end pretty?" Teru finally commented, his eyes drooping as a result of his earlier nap.
"Maybe they just want to love someone while they still can. Or something like that." Kou wasn't experienced in the love department at all, but he knew that to have loved someone was way more worth it than having never loved anyone in the first place. Maybe it was his mother's death that made him think that way. Maybe it was the way he watched Hanako yearn for Yashiro, even when he knew he couldn't grow up alongside them. Or maybe it was how Kou himself also loved someone who couldn't grow up with him.
"They must love each other a lot! Like the Beauty and the Beast." Tiara glowed as she was reminded of one of her favorite Disney classics. This makes Teru raise his eyebrows a bit, but he doesn't say anything.
"That type of stuff only happens in stories. In real life, there's no hope of anything like that happening." Teru spoke, sounding more like he was trying to convince himself than his siblings.
Kou nodded because he knew deep inside that Teru is right. He knows deep inside that he can't make Mitsuba human again, even if he promised. Kou begins to wonder if there ever really was a difference between the two Mitsubas; he would die for either of them, he would kill for either of them. He loved Mitsuba, but he couldn't tell which one it was that he loved. Was it the sullen, smiling boy he met on that spring day in middle school, the dead ghost with the charming smile with the camera on the rooftop - the one he held in his arms and cried as his body was deformed and he died, or the artificial supernatural with the cheeky grin who was born from a fragment of Mitsuba's soul and tearfully begged Kou to be his friend on that night? Maybe he just loved Mitsuba himself and all of his forms and all of his smiles. They all had the same girly voice and the same pink hair and the same pink eyes and the same cute smile.
He doesn't have anything to counter his brother's statement, so he stops talking, silently eating his dinner, still thinking about Mitsuba. He thinks about his mother. He misses her - her kind smile, her gentle eyes, the way she held him when he was a child, how she ruffled his hair, the sweet scent of pancakes in the morning. He wonders if she would approve of Mitsuba. Approve of him being in love with a supernatural, another boy, someone he could never have.
-
Teru finished his dinner with a lump in his throat. He stands up and bids farewell to his siblings, retreating to his room.
In his room, he starts looking through old photos of his family. He sees a younger Kou, so innocent and happy, and he compares it to the Kou he sees recently. Dark eye bags, empty smiles, the light in his eyes slowly fading. He thinks about to when they were children and Kou would look at him with so much awe that Teru didn't know who Kou was talking to, and he'd tell him how he wanted to be just like him when he grew up, and how Teru always remarked in his head how he hoped Kou never became anything like him. He finds a picture of him and Kou holding a baby Tiara, grinning and full of excitement for getting a baby sister, their mother smiling, weak but genuine, in the back. Their father is nowhere to be seen. Teru wonders just where their lives went wrong.
It always seems to root back to his family's title. To be a Minamoto is to be cursed with an empty, hollow life. If he could, he would make his own Noah's Ark for his family. And if there was a God, maybe he'd spare his family of this curse.