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It is his final year in college. Requirements are swarming, problems are adding, migraines are rushing in. Sunoo couldn’t even find time to breathe. It has been his cycle for months already and he’s getting tired of these restless days, thinking when it would end. Not to be pathetic or what, but he just wants to rest, that’s all. He understands that people have to go through hardships and he’s currently experiencing it一on the time that he should feel more energized and inspired that he’ll graduate soon! However, his thoughts are being clouded and he could feel even sadder as days go by. He just wants to breathe, be free, and be happy, even for a single day. If he could just run away for a day or two, hide from everyone, and just spend his day being away from the busy streets of Seoul, he would.
Sunoo doesn’t like to disturb other people, especially when he feels like this is only an episode of his outburst. That this will end later, this will disappear when he resumes doing his unfinished tasks, this will go away once he sleeps. Regardless of the uncountable times, he keeps on saying these in his head, it’s just there. The feelings do linger and he could only cry himself to sleep just to survive the day, and just wait for the next to come.
It’s unbearable if he would admit it. But he would rather let himself eat alone with his thoughts rather than make his friends worry about him when they’re also busy finishing their own things. He would just give the warmest and brightest smiles to his friends in order to cheer them up on the toughest times while letting himself suffer in silence. That’s what Sunoo is, and has always been. Ready to be there for other people yet couldn’t figure out how to solve his own feelings, and just let it drift away when he’s already past that phase. Still, these times were too suffocating for him. Not that he’s wishing someone would notice (but he kinda hopes, someone might), but he’s wishing for these thoughts to leave him and just bring back the energetic and optimistic Sunoo who has been the sunshine for the people around him.
His life isn’t as perfect as it seems, just because he’s an extraverted and free-spirited person, doesn’t mean that he hasn’t faced any kind of challenges. Sunoo experienced losing his grandmother at such a young age, and being the closest grandchild made him grieve even more. Sometimes, even just watching a drama and there’s a scene that would show a fondness among grandparents and grandchild, he would cry himself to sleep because of it. He wished that he could’ve spent more time back then yet he knows that wherever his grandmother is, she’s surely happy and proud of what he has become right now.
Sunoo also experienced failures, too. Not to mention that he has recently overcome a failing grade on this specific activity he worked hard for. Of course, who wouldn’t be mad? He spent sleepless hours finishing an activity just because that specific professor was pushing them to do work that's unnecessary and irrelevant to their course. Sunoo has no choice but to do it, but it irks him to the fact that even the administration couldn't even speak up and just let the professor do his own way. How annoying.
He takes a break from his essay, standing up from his seat to make himself a cup of coffee just to make him awake for now. He should finish the essay for the remaining hours before its submission. Yet his mind couldn’t process anything and he’s getting more frustrated at his phase. He still has a lot on his plate and overthinking things wouldn’t solve anything, but he just can find himself doing it for now and he knows that his body and mind badly need a rest for now. He would, but only for a couple of minutes. He feels guilty whenever a portion of his time is getting wasted on doing nothing, yet staring at the screen while having a blank thought would also give him nothing but a zero grade, which is one of the last things he could wish for.
He wishes he could talk to someone right now. Just to check him on what he’s up to, or just to destress from all of the worries that he has on his plate right now. He wishes he could stay at home, spending time at home where his parents are, giving him food whenever he’s tired of studying. He wishes he could spend time with his friends where they don’t mind any single requirement and just have the time of their lives. He wishes he could be with someone… someone special who gives him hugs and kisses whenever he needs one. He just shakes off the thought in order not to feel sadder in his situation. He just wishes to have more free time to relax and have fun, but now isn’t even the time for that.
After making a cup of coffee, he goes by his terrace, staring at the busy world while wondering about his life choices. Am I sure what I’m doing? Am I on the right track? What if I fail? What am I gonna do? What could happen to me after that? Thoughts have been rummaging in his mind and Sunoo’s getting so, so lost into it. But he does not falter, that isn’t very Sunoo. If Plan A doesn't work out for him, there's always a Plan B, even Plan C, D, and so on for him. His initial plans may not work out, but that isn’t the end of the world (unless there could have been a pack of zombies who decide to eat him and just let himself be one of them).
He smiles contentedly, despite what he thinks and feels right now, he’s alive and somewhat hanging on. He’s still thankful for everything that he has right now. He feels great, even though he feels sad at times. It’s normal, he acknowledges it. This fleeting feeling might bug him for now but he’ll get over it in time. He just got to endure it and he’s doing his very best to do so. He’s proud of himself for being strong and brave for himself. He sips again from his cup of coffee, inhaling its aroma which awakes from his thoughts that makes him become lost of the time.
It’s 2 AM. He wonders what his friends could be doing right now. He checked his phone, grinning fondly seeing the latest updates of his friends which amuses him for the time being. His Heeseung hyung has been sleeping since an hour ago, while his Sunghoon hyung is teasing his Jaeyun hyung for posting a picture of the latter, almost falling asleep with his mouth open. He shakes his head at the two for always bickering yet not leaving each other’s side. Riki’s been catching up with his current anime watchlist while Jungwon scolds him for not studying. He’s contented, seeing his friends are just doing fine. That’s all he could ask for now.
However, he couldn’t see any tracks of Jongseong’s whereabouts. Weird. Considering that they talk almost every hour of every single day, he hasn’t heard from him since a couple of hours ago, when he told him that he’ll focus on studying. Sunoo gets worried, it’s unusual for Jongseong not to send any updates, whether he’s eating his dinner, studying, or even going to sleep. Although he thinks that it’s either of the three, he couldn’t help to worry. He proceeds on sending a message to Jongseong at first.
To: Jonge :>
Jongeee?
You awake?
Five minutes have passed, he hasn’t received any replies. Sunoo gets even more worried and that’s the time he decided to finally call Jongseong. He just wants to hear him safe and sound and he could finally breathe in ease. It only takes three rings before the call was answered.
“Hmm…” Sunoo hears a soft hum from the other line, making him sigh in relief. Jongseong was just sleeping, confirmed. “Hey, Sunoo.” Jongseong’s voice is clearer and more understandable now. He smiles in comfort. Hearing Jongseong’s voice was one of his havens. The relief it brought to Sunoo is incomparable to other things that people could ever think of.
“Oh, hi…” Sunoo replies, feeling a bit shy because he woke up Jongseong in the middle of his sleep. He couldn’t help it, he was worried about him. “Have you eaten your dinner?” He couldn’t think of anything, for now, he just wants to ask about Jongseong. He missed him, even though it was only a few hours since they last talked, Sunoo missed talking to Jongseong already.
“Yes, I did already… an hour before I fell asleep. Sorry for not messaging you also,” Jongseong replies and Sunoo gets worried. “Hey, no… Don’t be! I’m the one who should be sorry for disturbing your sleep… you should be resting by now, it’s almost three…“ Sunoo answers. It’s true, Sunoo feels guilty whenever he felt that he’s a cause of disturbance towards others.
“Kim Sunoo.” He senses Jongseong’s stricter tone upon hearing him say his whole name. He gulps before laughing shyly in reply. Sunoo hears Jongseong sighing on the other line. He feels bad, but Jongseong stops all of it as soon as he speaks.
“Sunoo-ya… What did I tell you before? You‘re not disturbing me, okay? Not at all. And I’ll always wake up for you, no matter what time it is or whatever I’m doing. You deserve someone who will wake up in the middle of the night and answer your calls without hesitation. And that’s me for you, Sunoo-ya… Don’t ever forget that, okay? And you don't need to worry, I'm always here for you. I'm here only for you.”
And that’s what Jongseong always reminds him. That he’s always there for him. And he keeps his promise, as always. Like tonight, even though Sunoo feels so down earlier, hearing Jongseong’s voice instantly lifted him up and he couldn’t even ask for more. He feels his heart become lighter than a while ago. And they spend the dawn talking about things, where Sunoo pours his heart in, confiding everything to Jongseong, and the latter listens carefully. This is what he needed, and he’s thankful to Jongseong for always being there for him.
“Mhm… thank you, Jongseong,” Sunoo feels great. His heart is now at ease, thanks to Jongseong. “I’m happy because you listened to me,” Sunoo follows. He hears a genuine laugh being emitted on the other line, making him giggle softly as well.
“Silly…” Jongseong starts, “I want to listen to you, like always… because I’m… yours, so I have to.” Sunoo sighs in content and smiles at Jongseong’s words. “Go to sleep now, Sun… I’ll go to you later, hm?”
Sunoo unconsciously nods before pulling the covers closer to him, keeping him safe and warm. “Good night, Jonge…” he says before closing his eyes, soothing himself to the humming sounds from the other line.
“Good night, my Sun,” Sunoo hears Jongseong says as he continues lulling him to sleep, feeling the warmth and comfort of his words and presence, as if it’s made only for him alone.