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Ryan liked to think he was decent with his words. He knew how to make things rhyme, at the very least. His job was to lay out the basic drafts, throw pretentious similes and metaphors at the wall to see what would stick, but Min-Gi was the one who perfected it. He made it sound natural, made it sound like it meant something. It was great for their band, great for their practically nonexistent career which hadn’t yet been given the chance to thrive yet, but it posed a problem. Ryan had to do this alone.
Saying that made it sound a lot more dramatic than it was. It wasn’t anything tragic or treacherous, and wasn’t like he was going on some solo fantasy quest about ghouls, goblins and grand sentient castles, it was just something he knew he couldn’t tell anyone about. Not yet, at least. He knew it was something he needed to leave eating away at his insides, despite how badly he wished he could just swallow his pride and say something, say anything. He had it bad.
Ryan and Min-Gi had been living out of his van and shitty rundown motels for around three months now. Well, technically Ryan hadn’t had a proper house for around a year, but that was a solo sorta thing. He moreso meant Ryan and Min-Gi as a joint unit.
It was tough. He liked to lie sometimes, tell the strangers he hoped and prayed he never saw again that they were living the high life, drowning in money and parties and other less than holy ventures. The truth was significantly more depressing. Neither of the pair had eaten a healthy meal in a solid while, mainly surviving off greasy fast-food and free handouts from venues. Their backs had probably sustained permanent damage due to the hard mattresses they slept on. It wasn’t exactly all he’d dreamed it to be.
There were good times too, though.
Tonight had been one of those good times. They had a small show earlier, in some local bar with a somewhat pitiful audience, but receiving any applause no matter how small was an achievement he would gloat about to anyone who’d listen. What’s most important however, in terms of actual survival instead of self actualisation, was the fact they were paid.
“So, what do you think is more important Minsters, a nutritious, three course meal in the fanciest restaurant a crisp hundred dollar note can get you, or having a comfy bed to sleep in?”
“The bed, but from those descriptions I don’t think that’s what you wanted me to choose.”
“There’s only so many greasy burgers my poor rotting stomach can handle, I’m probably on the verge of getting scurvy here man!”
“Why did you give me the choice then?”
They both turned to face each other, Min-Gi with a face all smug and condescending, which was apparently such a soul cutting insult that Ryan began to raise his hand to commit the most violent act he could possibly think of.
A flick on his forehead.
“...Rude.”
“Fine, whatever, since I value your thoughts and feelings so, so much, I will sacrifice my poor, suffering innards so you can have a little cosy night sleep.”
He smiled.
“Thank you, Ryan.”
Really, who was he to turn him down?
-
Their motel wasn’t exactly the peak of luxury. The beds were ever so slightly hard, the walls just a little grimy, and the carpets a bit more sticky than either of the pair would’ve liked, but considering how cold the nights were getting, anything was better than their single mattress in the back of Ryan’s busted van. At least he had the opportunity to wash his increasingly greasy hair with actual water.
“Now, Mins, this is the place dreams are made of! Don’t you just wish you could stay here forever? Keep inhaling that mould for the rest of your life?”
The grimace on his face suggested otherwise.
“Also I call dibs on the shower. Longer hair privilege.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever man. Just don’t take fifty years, half the reason I wanted to come here was so I could finally wash myself.”
Dumping his excessive luggage of one bag and a guitar case on the floor, Ryan winked before flicking his hands into finger guns and putting far too much faith in his spatial awareness as he walked backwards into the bathroom, before locking the door behind him.
The bathroom was exactly as he expected. Slightly more grimy than anyone would be comfortable with, but he would take what he could get. He wasn’t too excited to touch the slightly vile tiles with his bare feet, though.
The temperature dial looked deceitfully simple, but he knew better than to trust any shower that wasn’t from his own house. It was never too complicated, but he didn’t exactly enjoy trying to crack some obscure puzzle just to wash his gross hair. After a few seconds of struggling, a pitiful trickle of water began to run.
Ryan didn’t exactly enjoy showering at the best of times. Tedious amounts of washing and being forced alone with his thoughts and weird naked body? It’s not really what he’d call a good time. The pathetic water pressure of the shower wasn’t really helping. He’d take what he could get though, as he’d been telling himself for the past year. He’d never found it too difficult to swallow his pride and settle for less than stellar experiences, but since the addition of Min-Gi, things have been different. He was a different case. Sometimes it helped, sometimes he was there to remind him about the better options they have, about how he doesn’t always need to settle for the immediate solution that’ll satisfy his monkey brain. But it was obvious that sometimes it was too much. Sometimes Ryan felt like he was forcing him into a life he doesn’t want, convincing him to waste his life away over a shared pipedream. He couldn’t shake the feeling no matter how many times Min-Gi told him that this is what he wants, that this is the happiest he’s been in a long while. It was hard to believe that the feeling was mutual.
That was enough of that. He didn’t want to waste all the hot water, Min-Gi would kill him. Or at least that was his excuse, his reasoning for cutting his thoughts short. Whatever he needed to say to keep him kicking.
“Yo, Min, the bathroom’s ready for your taking!”
“Took you long enough, felt like I was gonna start growing mould if I spent any longer unclean in this room.”
“Shut up, man.”
He didn’t need to drag Min-Gi down with him.
-
To the surprise of no one, it was difficult to sleep when your mattress felt like concrete. Especially when the room this concrete mattress was in felt like the equivalent of sleeping in the middle of the arctic.
“Psst, Min, you awake?”
The muffled groan he got in response was all the answer he needed.
“Min, it’s freezing in here! How are you even slightly successful in getting to sleep? I’m really regretting letting you pick our course of action here man.”
After another mumbled sound of irritation, he was finally met with actual words as a response.
“Dude, what are you talking about? It’s fine in here. Go to sleep.”
He wasn’t going to take that lying down.
“What are you talking about! Has the stress of whatever you’ve got going on finally got to you? You wearing a coat under there?” Ryan whisper shouted, as he’s just so considerate of the other patrons of this high class motel. As a way to emphasise his dramatics, he sat up to stare Min down.
But as he stared at the other, he realised something. If that vague shape was what he thought it was, he wasn’t sure he could live down the embarrassment.
Figuring out that squinting really super hard wasn’t exactly helping, he reached over the bedside and aggressively flailed his hand before it landed on his glasses. After putting them on, his humiliating suspicion was confirmed.
“Dude. That’s so unfair.”
He was beside the radiator. Of course he was beside the radiator. Why wouldn’t he be?
“Ryan, what are you talking about?”
“You’re hogging all the heat! Obviously you’re gonna be fine when you’re right next to the radiator and didn’t feel like telling me!”
“Oh my god. If it’s that big of an issue, just come over here, sleep on the floor or something, just please go to bed.”
That was the easiest solution, really. But Ryan didn’t exactly feel like giving himself permanent back damage in exchange for not freezing to death.
“Don’t be so stingy, shuffle up a bit. These beds are big enough for two.”
Ryan didn’t feel like he took up much space anyways, with his gangly limbs and overall lanky stature, so it shouldn’t be too difficult.
It seemed Min-Gi agreed, as he sighed and complied, scooting up next to the edge of the mattress.
In the few seconds he’d been in the other bed, he already confirmed with himself that he made the right choice. From either the radiator or the body heat of someone else being near, he was infinitely less cold. Perhaps even warm. Who could tell.
“Now, goodnight Ryan.”
“Night, Min. Thanks.”
-
Today had been another day of mild success. Another midsized crowd for a reasonable applause and a more reasonable amount of money. Ryan decided it was his turn to make the decision, which had been to have a meal which wasn’t soaked in grease and, possibly, even had some nutritional value. Great for their stomachs, less great for their spines, as it meant yet another night spent on their treasured and valued van mattress. Not like their luck with motels had been much better.
After packing their instruments away, they both found themselves sat out the back of the van, doors wide open. Not because it was particularly warm or because they could bear witness to anything especially interesting, but simply because it was somewhat pleasant to breathe in the night air, even if it was a bit chilled, freezing their lungs from the inside.
The night also seemed to have another quality of prompting Ryan to spill his guts. It’s always been easier to say things at night anyways, maybe because the darkness covers any hostile reactions, or maybe because the day’s been going on for so long that he just can’t get himself to care anymore. Neither theory really mattered, in the end, what mattered is if he could finally form a coherent sentence about his thoughts. Unlikely, considering his track record. Always worth a shot though, he supposed.
“Min, listen, I kinda have something to tell you, but you gotta cross your fingers and promise not to freak out.” Ryan said, breaking their pleasant silence. Here goes nothing, he would say if he were lying. Here goes a lot.
“Um, okay..?” Min-Gi replied, tilting his head slightly to the side.
“Listen, I think, I kinda, you know…”
He was trying. He was trying so hard. But his mind could not have possibly gone any more blank. He liked to think he was good with his words, but the universe seemed insistent on proving him otherwise.
“Fuck.” Ryan lowered his head into the palms of his hands, covering his face.
“Hey, are you alright?” Min-Gi was looking at him with such genuine concern that he felt ridiculous. Surely it couldn’t be this hard. No need for dramatics, just get it over with.
“Please don’t think I’m weird but could you like, close your eyes or something? I don’t think I can handle eye contact right now.”
Yet again, Min-Gi looked at him with very sincere confusion, but he still hesitantly complied. He could do this. It’s just a few words, how hard could it be? It was only their entire friendship at stake. It was only the risk of ruining their shared dream through awkward discomfort and being forced to swallow his pride and drive them both home, pretending they never left in the first place. No pressure.
Looking at Min’s face in the moonlight made Ryan wish he were bolder, wish he lived in a fantasy world where Min felt the same and he could just grab his face and get it over with. But he doesn’t, and he needs to conjure up these stupid words before he completely loses his nerve and makes this any more awkward than it already is.
“Okay, if this makes you feel uncomfortable or weird or whatever you can just totally ignore the fact I ever said this and I can drive you home and, yeah, I’m sorry. I think I like you, and I know it’s so embarrassing to say it like that and I know you probably wish it was anyone but me saying this but,”
“Ryan?”
He’d opened his eyes. Here was the horrendous eye contact Ryan was hoping and praying he could avoid. Lord have mercy.
“Ryan. What?” Min-Gi repeated, and Ryan wished he had some kind of way to tell what the inflection in his voice meant. Fear? Disgust? He could never really figure it out. Probably not the best trait to have.
“Sorry, I’ve probably made stuff awkward between us now, and I’m really sorry but it was eating away at me, man. We can totally like,I don’t know, share less if it makes you feel weird, we could just pretend this never happened if you want, I never wanted to make you uncomfortable and I’ve never meant anything weird by anything I’ve done so like, if it came off that way I didn’t mean it,” Ryan was honestly astounded at his word vomit. Who’d have thought he could say so much in one breath? Maybe the singing was expanding his lungs or something. Maybe this isn’t what he should be focused on right now.
His thoughts were immediately halted by the hand on his shoulder, which only seconds after being placed on him was swiped away once he looked in Min’s general direction, who was also apparently now aggressively avoiding eye contact.
“Ryan, it’s okay. I’m not uncomfortable, I don’t need you to drive me home. I’m not leaving you,” He paused, probably only for a short while, but every second currently felt like at least fifteen decades. “It’s just, kind of a lot to take in right now.”
After tilting his head upwards and staring down one of the stars like it personally upset him, Min-Gi finally turned to face Ryan again.
“Thanks for telling me,”
Another pause.
“I’m sorry, you’ve kinda put me on the spot here.”
He didn’t know when he should speak. He didn’t know if he should speak. So, he simply gazed upwards at the stars. Maybe if he were just slightly more pretentious he could’ve said he was looking at them for guidance, but really he just needed something other than Min to stare at.
It was a long silence. Not as agonising as it could’ve been, considering he at least had a pretty sight to stare at, but still not the best conditions. His heart felt like it was beating fifty times a second and his hands were possibly the grossest amount of clammy they’ve ever been in his life, so definitely not doing the hottest. But not the worst. It was bearable. Barely bearable.
Finally, Min-Gi spoke.
“Ryan, I think I like you too. I’m pretty sure, I mean. I just, I really need this to be taken slow, please. It’s a lot.”
Which was not exactly what he expected to hear.
“Wait, what? Are you serious or are you just like, trying to spare my feelings or something?”
“Ryan, I’m not that cruel.”
Suddenly, he understood why Min-Gi needed all the processing time he took.
Turning back to face Min, which feels like something he hasn’t done in an unreasonably long time, he met his eyes. It was still a little awkward, Ryan could’ve probably been a little more eloquent, but it was done. He found his stupid, cheesy, pretentious words.
“Yeah, I know.”
Slowly, Ryan reached his still somewhat clammy hand over to reach Min-Gi’s, and simply smiled, before being met with an ever so slightly embarrassed reflection of his expression.
Once again turning to face the star filled sky, he felt like everything would be okay.