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It's unfair. Everything is so unfair.
As Ash sits on the edge of his bed, eyes constantly drawn to the sight of the boy sleeping peacefully on the bed across from him, all he can think about is how unfair it all is.
His chest feels tight, heart clenching painfully as he watches Eiji's chest steadily rise and fall. Some part of it is comforting, knowing he's still here despite it all, but... Despite it all. That's the uncomfortable and unbearable reality. Ash can't help but grind his teeth together.
He knows it's his fault. Eiji is alive, despite everything that Ash has put him through. If it weren't for Ash, Eiji would be living a safe and happy life with Ibe. Who knows what he would be doing now? He would have finished taking his pictures in America and returned to Japan by now. He would've started a new career, maybe. Gotten back into pole vaulting, or followed in Ibe's footsteps by pursuing photography. He had a knack for it; it had even helped Ash on occasion.
A rotten shiver creeps up Ash's spine. He has tainted everything pure in Eiji's life, even his photography, staining the lens with his demons. Nothing would ever be the same, he knew that. Eiji had to have known it too. How could he not resent him for it? Eiji could have been happy, but instead he's... he's...
A shift in movement snaps Ash from his thoughts. Eiji shuffles in his blankets before his eyes blink open slowly, adjusting to the darkness to focus on the boy sitting across from him.
"...Ash?"
Ash swallows. The deafening silence that follows seems to wake Eiji up even more. He sits up and rubs at his eyes.
"Ash? Is everything okay?"
"Go to sleep," Ash responds, his voice quiet and unnaturally calm. "It's late."
Ash knows it's not a sufficient answer. He wasn't really expecting it to get him out of this. Maybe a small part of him didn't want it to.
"I am not tired," Eiji responds steadily. He looks like he wants to move, to get up or reach out, but he doesn't.
Please, Ash silently begs. As though his very soul is reaching for him. Please.
"What's wrong? What happened?" Eiji pauses, a few seconds of silence that feel like hours, before he softly continues. "...Did you have a nightmare?"
"No," Ash answers honestly.
Eiji studies him. Ash shifts under his gaze. "Have you slept?"
When Ash is silent, Eiji lets out a small noise of disapproval. That shame creeps up Ash's spine again. Why? How is it that Eiji can make him feel such a shame as this, at something so small? The concern, the care, the love that is so apparent in his words and actions. Ash isn't sure what he's done in his life to lead up to this.
"Ash, it is late," Eiji scolds, but his words carry no heat. His eyes are soft even in the dark of the night. He takes a small breath. "Can I come over to you?"
Ash's throat tightens--the way he asks so steadily, so carefully, tears at Ash's chest. His mind is screaming at him to refuse, to not give in to Eiji's gentle siren's song, but he ignores it and nods.
Eiji carefully removes the covers from himself and swings his legs over the bed, standing up and slowly approaching. So slowly, so carefully, Eiji is always so careful with him. So gentle, so loving. Ash feels that tightness in his throat again as he watches Eiji sit beside him; not too close, but not far. Ash wants to reach out and pull him as close as possible, but this time he listens to his brain and refrains.
"Will you tell me what happened?"
"Nothing happened."
The look on Eiji's face says all that truly needs to be said, but he speaks his mind regardless. "You are thinking. Will you tell me?"
Ash can't help but stare into Eiji's eyes. He feels himself shaking, unable to stop it. He opens his mouth and closes it again, gaping like a fish, unable to bring himself to speak. He wants to, in a way, but he can't. He just can't. Everything seems so impossible. He can hear his heart pounding in his ears, faster, faster, faster, deafening in a way he's felt many times before. Eiji seems to understand and speaks up before Ash can send himself into a spiral.
"It is okay." His voice is soft, hardly above a whisper. "You don't have to. Can I touch you, Ash? You don't have to say yes."
Ash knows he doesn't. That knowledge still sends him reeling, but he knows. He nods quickly anyway, once, wanting his touch so desperately he can hardly breathe. He is choking with it.
Eiji scoots closer and wraps an arm around him, lightly. Ash could get away if he wanted to, he could stand and walk to the other side of the room and Eiji would let him, watching with those gentle eyes of his, full of concern but respectful of the distance made between them. Eiji would never force him into anything.
Ash's mind feels fuzzy and unfocused. He can't help it when his arms wrap around Eiji desperately, clutching onto him as if he were a lifeline. In a way, he was.
Eiji adjusts himself accordingly, wrapping his other arm around Ash, gently combing his fingers through his hair. Ash's breathing is violently unsteady, and he doesn't realise he's crying until he feels the dampness of Eiji's nightshirt rub against his cheek.
What a strange thing, emotions are. Feeling so violently, so intensely. But not out of fear; at least, not the same fear. He feels safe with Eiji. So safe it's almost overwhelming, as though he shouldn't trust this safety. But he does.
He's safe with Eiji.
"I am here, Ash." Eiji's voice is barely audible, the words reserved for Ash only. The moon and the stars in the night sky outside shine brightly through the window, but not even they have the right to intrude, to listen in. "I am always here."
"I know," Ash croaks. He flinches at the sound of his own voice. Stop talking, his mind screams at him. But he doesn't listen to it. "You're just- Eiji, you're so... I'm- I can't-"
"Shh," Eiji gently shushes him, and Ash hiccups a sob as he digs his face further into Eiji's chest. "I know. Breathe, Ash, focus on breathing. Do you want me to help you?"
Ash manages a nod. Eiji's fingers never stop their gentle ministrations in his hair.
"Okay. Together, then." A small pause. "Breathe in, through the nose." They breathe in. Ash's breath is unsteady, but he follows Eiji as his chest rises, moving Ash's head with it. It is comforting to feel it move. So full of life. "And out, through the mouth." They breathe out in unison. Ash's eyes are closed as he tries to focus on the feeling of Eiji, as though he is breathing life into Ash with every breath of this simple exercise.
"Breathe in."
They breathe in.
"And out."
They breathe out.
Together. Always together. It is them and it will always be them.
They continue a few more times until Ash's breathing has evened out a reasonable amount. Eiji doesn't pull away, holding him in his arms with so much care as they sit silently. Eiji's nightshirt has soaked through. He does not notice.
It isn't until Ash shifts that Eiji moves him back slightly, enough to look him in the eye. It takes Ash a moment to be able to meet his gaze, but he does, eventually. He expects to see eyes full of pity, but he doesn't. He sees soft eyes full of love. His breath hitches at the sight.
"Are you alright?" Eiji asks softly. Ash doesn't respond right away, lost in the heaven that is Eiji's eyes, but eventually he nods and haphazardly wipes his tears away with his arm.
"Yeah." His voice is still wavering slightly, but less so than before. "Yeah, I think so."
Eiji smiles, his eyes gentle as they scrunch up with it, and he lifts a hand to cradle Ash's cheek. Ash leans into it immediately. He wants to close his eyes as he basks in it, but he can't tear them away from Eiji's. He needs this. It almost scares him how much he needs it.
"You don't have to talk about it," Eiji begins, "but I am here if you want to. It doesn't have to be now. I will be here forever."
And Ash knows that he means it. As Eiji stares at him, gaze unwavering as he speaks, Ash knows. The knowledge scares him in a way, but he desperately clings to it regardless.
"You're just--" He pauses. Eiji sees the cogs in his head turning and patiently waits for him to find the right words. "It's not fair."
Eiji's brows furrow slightly. "What isn't?"
"Everything," Ash breathes. "Everything."
Ash lets himself close his eyes as he brings Eiji in close again, head tucked into the crook of Eiji's neck. Eiji moves with him.
Ash continues, voice quiet. "I don't know why everything has to be this way. I don't know why life is like this, why I ended up here, and why you have to..." He pauses, willing himself not to cry again. He follows the rise and fall of Eiji's chest. Alive. So full of life. "Why you have to deal with it all too. You could've been so happy, Eiji, and now..."
When Ash trails off, Eiji speaks up. "Who says I am not happy?" He whispers. Ash's throat tightens. "I am very happy, Ash. You have no idea how happy I am."
"But you could die." Ash's voice breaks at the word, the fear he has always tried so desperately to push away now being spoken aloud to the one he worries for the most. "You could die, and if you did, it'd-- it'd be my fault, and--"
"Ash." Ash forces himself to stop. Breathe. Breathe. "You are not forcing me to be here. You have never forced me to be here. If I truly wanted to go to Japan, I would have simply listened the first thousand times you told me to." Ash lets out a short, choked laugh. Eiji's hand begins rubbing soothing circles on his back. "I am here because I want to be. I want to be with you. I have never been so happy in my life. You have such a beautiful heart, Ash, such a beautiful soul. When I'm with you, it's as if your soul merges with mine. It is a feeling I have never known before and I am so happy to share this feeling with you."
Ash's tears are without fanfare this time. They simply fall from his eyes, effortless and without strain, soaking Eiji's shoulder as his breaths come in soft shudders.
"I don't understand," Ash whispers, voice wavering. His grip around Eiji tightens. "I don't understand, but... But me too. I mean, I feel it too, you know, and..." His shoulders shake with a pathetic laugh at his inability to speak, to put his thoughts into words. "I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologise," Eiji gently scolds. His hand finds its way to the back of Ash's head, his fingers returning to gently work through the knots there. It's the most soothing thing Ash can remember feeling. He breathes in deep. "I know."
They stay like that for what feels like hours, wrapped in each other's arms, gently rocking back and forth. The air is surprisingly light around them, the heaviness having lifted enough to breathe properly again. Ash feels as though he could fall asleep upright, leaning against Eiji, lulled by the rise and fall of his chest.
Eventually, though, Ash pulls back. Eiji lets him and watches as Ash wipes the rest of his mostly-dried tears away, eyes red and swollen.
"Thank you," Ash whispers. He takes in a deep breath and slowly lets it out again, savouring the feeling of air in his lungs. "Thank you, Eiji."
"Of course," Eiji replies, voice gentle and sweet like flower petals. "I am here, Ash. Do you think you can sleep now?"
If it's next to you, Ash wants to say. His cheeks flush briefly at the thought and he almost wants to laugh at the unexpectedly boyish reaction. Instead he grips the bottom of his shirt and bites his lip, nodding once and averting his gaze. "Yeah."
The look in Eiji's eyes tells Ash that he knows something is off, but he says nothing. Ash can't tell if he's grateful for that or not. "Okay," Eiji responds, carefully standing and making his way back to his own bed. Ash immediately misses Eiji's weight on the mattress; it feels unnatural now, without him. "I will only be here if you need me."
"Okay." Ash's voice is barely a whisper as he shuffles up the bed and into the covers. He hears Eiji lay down but he doesn't look, laying on his back as his eyes stay stubbornly fixed to the ceiling.
The room is quiet around them. All Ash can hear is his own breathing, and occasionally Eiji's when he lets out a deeper exhale. The noise is somehow simultaneously too soft and yet unbearably deafening.
His mind races. How much time has gone by? He can't see the clock from here and he doesn't want to move to check. The moon still shines bright outside. Has it been minutes? Hours? That can't be, it must've been at least four in the morning when Eiji woke before. If it had been hours, the sun would have definitely been rising by now.
And yet Ash can't stop shuffling, trying desperately to just close his eyes and sleep, but he can't. He can't stop thinking and he feels so empty, like something's missing, like...
"Eiji," his voice sounds weak to his own ears and he's speaking before he can even think about it.
"Yes?" The response is immediate. Ash's heart pounds against his chest.
"Can you, um..." Why is he so nervous about this? He tightly grips the blankets around him with his fists. "Can you... come here?"
There is a split second of silence and Ash is about to think up a lie, an excuse as to why he asked, but Eiji responds before he can. "Of course."
Ash finally moves his gaze to watch as Eiji gets out of his bed and approaches him. His heart only pounds faster. What is he going to do once Eiji gets to his bed? Is he going to know what he's asking for? Will Ash have to ask him outright? Will Ash be able to ask him?
He doesn't have time to think himself into too much of a panic, as Eiji's voice snaps him out of it. "Do you want me to..." He clears his throat, clearly a bit embarrassed. "You know... Sleep beside you?"
Ash's heart beats so fast he feels as if his chest might burst. "If you want to," he murmurs quietly. Eiji shakes his head.
"Only if you want me to, Ash." Ash's heart skips for a different reason this time. Anyone else would have taken the hint, but Eiji is too understanding, too caring. It's what Ash adores about him. Ash squeezes his eyes shut briefly as he feels pleasant tingles creep up his spine to his fingertips and forces himself to admit it aloud.
"I do."
Eiji smiles, eyes warm. "Okay, then scoot over." Ash obeys immediately, shuffling to the side to allow Eiji to lay down. Eiji does, and the pieces in Ash's mind finally begin to fall into place. He can't imagine sleeping without that weight beside him.
Ash looks over at him and Eiji looks back, eyes wide and shining. Ash feels something so strong, so intense in his chest that he hardly knows how to describe it. He doesn't know what to do with this feeling, so he simply acts; he reaches out and holds onto Eiji tightly, head buried in his chest as he breathes in deeply. Eiji's arms wrap around him with no hesitation.
"Thank you," Ash breathes. He feels comfortably warm and pleasant, like this is where he's meant to be. Eiji begins rubbing soothing circles in his back again, and Ash sighs in content.
"Of course, Ash." He speaks into Ash's hair, a whisper, sending lovely shivers down Ash's spine. He feels no embarrassment, no fear. It just feels right. He feels overwhelmingly safe.
Ash has never fallen asleep faster. He doesn't dream tonight. Tonight, he only feels.
And when he wakes up, Eiji is still there. They are wrapped around each other, limbs tangled and breathing steady and calm. Ash can't bring himself to move. He doesn't care what time it is. For now, there are no gangs. No wars. Everything else melts away as he closes his eyes and focuses instead on Eiji's deep breathing and the calmness in the room as he sleeps. Ash smiles.
He thinks he might be starting to understand.