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Iwaizumi was just a simple farmer, who enjoyed nothing more than tending to his miles of wheat, and takign care of his animals. He would spend all day tending to his crops with the help of his farm hands, and then go feed and clean and make suer that his cows and chickens and sheep were happy. He loved all of this animals, but a few of them were problematic. Actually, just one of them. His cow that his nephew named Oi-cow-a.
This cow was the absolute worst, and Iwaizumi told it every single day, albeit in a cheerful, happy voice so it would hopefully change it's ways and become a much nicer cow. It couldn't understand his words anyway, but Iwaizumi still hated Oi-cow-a. He had never hated anything as much as he hated this cow. It was strange to describe a cow in this way, but this cow was extremely self centered, and the way it mooed made Iwaizumi want to turn it into his next hamburger.
But he couldn't eat him: not when Oi-cow-a constantly won best in show, bringing in extra money for Iwaizumi. He really wanted the newest tractor that was coming out before any of the other farms around him did. He didn't think that he could see Tsukishima Kei's face at being the first one to get the newest tractor again. It was horrible.
On this particular day, Oi-cow-a was being especially arrogant and mooing especially obnoxiously.
"Shut the fuck up Ass-cow-a," Iwaizumi growled, not even bothering to hide his annoyance. He was stressed as it was with harvest season coming up in only a few days, he didn't have time to appease a spoiled cow.
Oi-cow-a mooed even more obnoxiously back.
Iwaizumi sighed, dumped feed in a bucket for the cow, and decided that it was time to hit the hay. He had a long day of preparations tomorrow, and needed all the sleep he could get. "See you tomorrow Oi-cow-a, I hope you aren't as obnoxious as you were today."
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The next morning, Iwaizumi woke up feeling strange. The first sign that he got that something was wrong was when he opened his eyes to see that he was in the barn rather than his own little farmhouse. He blinked, wondering if he had fell asleep while taking care of Shitty-cow-a.
No, no, Iwaizumi thought. I remember eating chicken and then falling asleep last night. I told that stupid cow goodnight, and then walked to my house. So why am I here?
The next sign he got was when he tried to stand up, and instead of standing on his two legs, he stood on four legs. "What the fuck?" He tried to say, but found himself mooing in shock.
Iwaizumi's eyes got wide. Suddenly he realized what horror had befallen him: Iwaizumi was Oi-cow-a.
He rammed himself into the side of the barn, mooing angrily, and trying to open the gate with his hooved legs, but to no avail. This could not be happening. He had seen movies about people swapping bodies before, but he hadn't even swapped bodies with a person: he swapped bodies with a cow.
Oh my god. Oh my god. What do I do. Holy shit. I must be dreaming. But the pain that Iwaizumi felt as he slammed his large body against the door was nothing that he was dreaming of. This was real. Iwaizumi felt sick. And the worst part was that there was a cow in his body, running around the farm somewhere, probably taking shits everywhere except the toilet.
"I wish somebody would help me!" Iwaizumi attempted to say, but again, simply mooed.
"I can help you." Iwaizumi heard. He stopped mooing and looked down to see a chicken standing before him, looking a little smug, which was a strange face for a chicken to have.
"Did you just talk?" Iwaizumi mooed at the chicken. The chicken clucked, which oddly sounded like laughter. Weird chicken laughter.
"Yes, I did. Now that you are a barnyard animal, Iwaizumi, you can understand us all. Even the humans, which I suppose now is Oi-cow-a in your body." The chicken clucked.
Iwaizumi just stared. How did this chicken know who he was, or even what was happening here? "How do you know this? What's your name? I don't think you're one of my chickens...."
The chicken clucked again. "They call me Suga, and I know what's happening because I did this to you. I saw how rudely you treated Oi-cow-a, and how rudely Oi-cow-a treated you back. So I decided that you needed to spend a day as each other and appreciate one another. What is that human term for this again? Walk a mile in each others shoes?" The chicken paused for a moment before saying, "Although for you I suppose it would be walk a mile in each other's hooves." He clucked excitedly, as though he was laughing.
That's so fucking weird. Iwaizumi thought. So this chicken... Suga...he managed to do all of this. This was really weird and Iwaizumi hated it. He did not want to spend all day as a cow. But he supposed he had no choice. "Fine. I'll spend the day as Shitty-cow-a and appreciate this barnyard life."
Suga clucked in approval. "As long as you appreciate one another by the time you go to sleep, you will wake up tomorrow morning as yourself."
"And what happens if we don't?"
But Suga said nothing and just walked away. That made Iwaizumi a little nervous.
"Moo! Iwa-chan~" Iwaizumi heard his voice calling to him, and he turned in dismay. He saw his body walkign awkardly up to him, waving his arm and flailing his limbs about. Iwaizumi made a disgusted face at seeing his body controlled by a cow. And what was up with that horrible nickname? Is that what Oi-cow-a always said to him? Or, mooed at him?
Iwaizumi mooed at Oi-cow-a in greeting, and out of habit, Oi-cow-a mooed back. "Ugh, I can't believe I'm stuck in this hideous body!" Oi-cow-a groaned, holding out his arm like it was the most disgusting thing he had ever seen in his entire life. "You're so hairy and dirty and gross. And I still have no idea how to use these hands. They're so weird."
Iwaizumi mooed at him. Oi-cow-a laughed. "Oh my god, you sound so stupid. I don't even understand you in this body! It just sounds like a dumb human mooing at me! I love it!" Oi-cow-a smiled and held up a peace sign. "I discovered this this morning," He explained to cow Iwaizumi. "It's very cool, very hip. I like it." Iwaizumi let out the best sigh that he could for a cow. No wonder Oi-cow-a mooed so much: all he was doing was talking to him about stupid things.
"Well Iwa-chan, I'd love to stay and talk with you, no really, I would, but I want to experience things with this body. I want to run, hit my hand against somebody else's hand, maybe kiss one of those other guys walking around. Then I want to hit Cow-geyama Tobio. I fucking hate that cow. He thinks he's better than me, that he'll do better at shows, but he's won't. I'm the best. I always win. Me." Oi-cow-a ranted at Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi had no idea that there was so much drama amongst cows.
"I don't fucking want you kissing anybody in my body, fuck off Shitty-cow-a," Iwaizumi mooed. But alas, Oi-cow-a could not understand him. He just laughed, flashed another peace sign, and awkwardly jogged off, leaving Iwaizumi alone.
"Well shit," He said, looking around for something to do. He supposed that he could always strike up a conversation with one of the other cows. Maybe Cow-geyama would prove to be a good conversation partner. He wanted to fully experience this cow drama. And so Iwaizumi ambled over to where Cow-geyama was slowly munching on hay and swatting away flies with his tail. He was a bit younger than Oi-cow-a was, but in Iwaizumi's opinion, just as beautiful, or even more so. He was sure to win contests in the future.
"Good morning Cow-geyama!" Iwaizumi mooed cheerfully. Cow-geyama eyed him shadily, as if Iwaizumi was up to something bad. He frowned, wondering exactly what kind of cow Oi-cow-a was.
"Good morning Oi-cow-a-senpai." Cow-geyama mooed back, turning to face him. "Do you need something?"
"Not especially, just a little bored!" Iwaizumi said.
"Ok." Cow-geyama said. "So eat something. If we're going to become the best show cows, we need to stay healthy you know." He immediately turned around and went back to slowly grazing, staring off into the distance.
"Ahh...yes...okay...." Iwaizumi answered, going back to his trough. Being a cow is boring, he decided. I can't do anything but eat and shit. No wonder Oi-cow-a tries so hard to talk to me. He must be bored and lonely. Maybe I shouldn't be so rude to him.
And so Iwaizumi spent his day slowly eating and losing his mind out of boredom while Oi-cow-a did God knows what around his farm. He spent that time thinking about how hard it must be to be a cow, never knowing if each time a farmer or farm hand comes by, if they are planning on slaughtering you or taking you to a show. It really must be terrifying. Scary and boring, that was the life of a cow.
Does this count as appreciating Oi-cow-a? Can I turn back into a human?
Soon nightfall came, and at last Oi-cow-a came back to visit Iwaizumi. His hair and clothes were a mess, and his face was flushed. "Wow!" Oi-cow-a exclaimed. "This was the most exciting day of my entire life. Honestly. Even winning state for best looking pales in comparison to this, although it is pretty close. But I did not realise how hard it is to be a human. You have, like....responsibilities. It's gross. And you have to take shits in a little bowl! That's weird! So while this has been a blast, and I've had so many fun experiences, I think I'm ready to be a cow again."
Iwaizumi nodded in agreement. He was ready to be human again to. He was about to moo when suddenly Oi-cow-a started speaking again.
"I just want to do one last thing." And he flipped off Cow-geyama, who did not notice or care. "Haha, yeah! Fuck you, asshole!" Then he paused, staring at the cow. "Oh my god. I could have ordered for him to be slaughtered. But it's too late, everybody's gone. What have I done." He fell, looking despaired. Iwaizumi just mooed in laughter.
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Iwaizumi woke up the next morning to find himeself back in his own bed and body. He sat up, touchign his face and chest to make sure that all of this was real, then threw on pants and sprinted down to the barn, where Oi-cow-a looked as thrilled as Iwaizumi felt.
"Moo!" Oi-cow-a said.
"Moo to you too Shitty-cow-a!" Iwaizumi said, but he smiled and patted Oi-cow-a on his head. Everything was back to normal, and they could now continue their normal lives, but better, because now, this man and this cow, were friends, and their friendship would last an eternity.
The End.