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Death is a horrifying concept.
It is an idea, a topic that many people theorise about. Jay has heard it all; What happens when you die? Different beliefs bring you to different conclusions, but there will never be a sure answer because, well, dead people can’t answer the question. Death is terrific, it is a word that should not be used lightly. Which is why he can’t bring himself to say that Nya is dead. Because she’s still right there with them.
The universe is cruel and terrifying with the way it exacts things. Jay’s friend used to tell him that the universe was set to screw everyone over from the moment they were born – ‘everyone’ was emphasised. It was the only way to make it fair. And yet… Jay felt that it wasn’t.
The funeral was solemn. Jay had been holding onto his yin-yang medallion the entire time, hands shaking, and yet no tears built up in his eyes. His throat was dry, his body was trembling, his breaths were wavering, yet he didn’t cry. There was a part of him that didn’t want to. Nya wouldn’t want him to cry. She’d pull him into a hug and kiss him and whisper sweet nothings to him until he felt better until he’d have no tears left. Nya once told him that tears make up the ocean, that it was healthy to let it out because mother nature made it that way, and Jay’s heart aches at the memory.
Kai had been beside him the entire time. The fire ninja’s expression was grim, dark with grief, sorrow and regrets, hands folded in front of his body. Just like Jay, Kai wasn’t crying. He just stared at the offerings with a look of pain and Jay understood.
Maya and Ray were different though. They were crying, albeit softly, and there were proud smiles on their faces. Jay understood that too. He was also proud of his girlfriend. She had sacrificed so much for Ninjago. She was the best of the best, the sweetest of the sweet.
When they are done, Jay races to his room and he’s grateful that nobody calls out for him. He just needed time. Time to understand, to think, to regret, to laugh bitterly back at the memories they’ve made. Time he wished he could have more of.
It hurt. Jay doesn’t know how else to put it. It hurt. Because he knew she’d done the right thing. The ocean called for her, this was the life she was destined for, but it hurt because– what about him? What about them ? Were all their efforts, their memories, their days spent together all for nothing? Had he lost it all to a stupid octopus king? Had he lost it all because he’d drunk too much seawater? Had he lost her to something so mundane?
But Jay knows. He knows, despite how much he may want to deny it, that destiny was still on its straight course. Nya was meant to be with the ocean; she’d been named after Nyad, it should’ve been blatantly obvious, and he knows to accept it, but he can’t.
He just can’t. Every small thing reminded him of her. The nail polish in his room, the magazines scattered on the floor, the flowers in the vase, the pictures on the walls. Why was loss so painful? Why was life so cruel , to give up Nya like that? Why was life so cruel to him ? Why’d he have to lose the person he loved so much?
Jay let out a strangled noise as he harshly grabbed a picture from the wall; it was one that they took after the whole djinn fiasco. They were standing side by side, both of them laughing in the picture, the shadow of what could’ve been them in the future had disappeared just like that. He wanted to break it, he wanted to break a lot of things, but he knew he would regret it. So, instead, he simply gripped onto the picture and, finally, he could feel tears in his eyes, he could feel sobs bubbling up his throat.
He misses her so much. It’s only been a few days and he’s already missed her. He wanted to scream and tug at his hair, maybe let his frustration out in the training grounds, but they were still under service and he shouldn’t risk hurting people. But that wasn’t fair. Why was it that he had to be hurt? Why him, why them ?
Jay pulls out his yin-yang medallion and stares. Stares at the reflection of him , and him alone, because Nya wasn’t there beside him anymore. It was just him. And it’ll stay that way for a long time because Nya is gone, and they’re gone. Jay croaked out a sob of frustration, his body shaking with every cry, all the anger in him vanishing.
Life wasn’t fair. Death wasn’t fair. Nothing was fair in the universe, and perhaps that’s what made it fair, to begin with. Jay clawed at the medallion, his grip weakened by his shaky cries. Jay should be happy, he knows that. Because Nya was happy and that’s all he’d ever wanted for her, but he wanted them to be happy together.
Was it selfish? Maybe. Maybe he was the issue, maybe he was what made it worse, but Nya and he had a history like no other. Jay loves his family, loves the ninjas, but Nya was different. She was the love of his life, the person who changed everything for him, the girl who managed to wrangle through his previously irritable personality. She was worth more than the universe ever could to Jay. If he could sacrifice himself for her, he’d do it a million times over.
And Jay knows, he swears he knows, that, eventually he will have to get over it. Nya was happy in the ocean, that was where she belonged, and Jay would simply have to find happiness some other way. But not now. Not anytime soon. Grief is taxing and he wants nothing more than to cry for days and weeks. He couldn’t so much as look at the mirror without seeing the faint image of Nya lingering in his mind.
He’s scared. He’s scared of letting go. He’s scared of accepting the pain. He’s scared of losing her. He’s scared of getting over her.
What if it was all for nothing?
What if they forgot about each other? What if Jay one day forgot how she sounded like, how she acted like?
And…
What if Nya had already forgotten about him in the ocean?
What if Nya was happier that way?
Unable to contain the sudden pang of pain that had practically stabbed through his heart, Jay cried even harder, pushing the medallion to his chest. He could feel the headache that was bound to come soon. He would just have to deal with it, because he couldn’t stop himself from crying. It just hurt so much , he had to let go of it somehow. And if crying was the only way he could do it without breaking something in relation to him and Nya… then he would.
He doesn’t come out of his room for the next 9 days
Only Maya and Kai come in to bring him food.
The first time he finally comes out of his room, the monastery is empty. It’s quiet, it’s tranquil, and it reminds him too much of the fact that Nya was no longer with them to fill that silence. Feeling his throat tighten, he decided to stop thinking about it for a day. He… needed a break. Just to himself. He needed to eat and sleep and stop thinking about her.
Distantly, he wonders how other people dealt with the loss of a loved one so well. Cole with his mother, Zane with his father, Lloyd with a number of people (one of which died multiple times). Jay doesn’t understand it. He wants to get over this, he wants to just jump to the last stage of grief and accept it all, but he can’t . There’s still a part of him that doesn’t want to let her go. There’s a part of him that’s bitter and sharp and painful and it doesn’t want him to forget. And he never will, of course, not. He won’t ever forget about Nya. He just wants to forget about the pain, pretend none of this ever happened.
He entered the kitchen sluggishly, reaching for the fridge which, thank FSM, nobody had touched his pudding. He would’ve started crying again, as stupid as it sounded. He couldn’t handle any more stress for the day. He just wanted to relax and forget .
Jay begrudgingly begins walking to the living room of their monastery. He sees Kai on the couch, his eyes are equally as red-rimmed as Jay’s. Sorrow is all there is in his distant red eyes. He stares off at the TV with a look of pure anguish and defeat. Jay feels bad, but he’s also a little happy to know he wasn’t alone in his journey of loss. The other ninja dealt with it too, of course, but Kai and Jay were the closest to Nya. One was her brother the other was her boyfriend.
Kai acknowledges Jay’s presence with a nod of his head, forcing a smile on his face. Jay nods back, sitting on the other side of the couch as he turned to the TV. It was a cartoon, probably the only other channel that wasn’t talking about the huge incident a few days ago, so he’s grateful Kai had left it on a child-friendly channel. Otherwise, he might’ve started crying again and that was the one thing he planned to avoid that day.
Both ninja are staring at the TV, but Jay knows neither of them is actually paying attention to the show, still preoccupied with the neverending racing thoughts of Nya. Jay doesn’t know what to do to stop the questions. So he lets them sit in his head until he feels good enough to find an answer.
Cole enters the room then, freezing in place when he noticed the two other ninja in the room, looking like a deer caught in headlights. Jay would’ve laughed, he wanted to laugh, but his body felt too weak to do anything. He was already barely managing to eat his pudding. A laugh would probably result in his grip wavering and the pudding falling out of his hold.
Cole recovers as quick as he steps into the room, composing a small smile as he walked over behind the couch. “How you feeling?” he asked quietly, aimed at the two of them, no doubt. Kai grumbles something incoherent, but Cole seems to understand his answer and nods his head. Then he turns to Jay and the lightning ninja stops eating his pudding for a second.
How was he feeling? He doesn’t know if there are words to describe everything that he was undergoing at that moment. Jay shrugs. “I dunno. A lot has happened, I guess. I’m tired.”
Cole nods in understanding, leaning slightly closer to the couch and feigning focus on the TV. Jay knows he doesn’t actually care about the show either. There’s a moment of silence, only the sounds of the cartoon characters speaking can be heard over the deafening quiet. Jay sinks into the couch.
“Master Wu suggested that we go out and take a break,” Cole begins quietly, grabbing the attention of the red and blue ninja. “He, uh, said you didn’t have to come if you weren’t ready. But they’re currently preparing some stuff by the beach. We have the whole place to ourselves as compensation for saving Ninjago. Um, again. ”
The beach? Really? Jay would laugh at how blatantly obvious Wu’s plan was if the thought of water didn’t make his stomach churn in remorse and grief. “I hate the ocean,” Jay mutters, his voice wavering violently as if showcasing how much of a lie that was. Because it was false and everybody knew it. Jay and Nya used to love going on beach dates together, if not the amusement park.
“No, you don’t,” Cole says quietly, shaking his head. He was right, of course, so Jay doesn’t bother trying to argue. He doesn’t hate the ocean, he can’t, but he sort of resents it.
“Well, uh, if you guys are joining, we’ll be leaving in 10,” the earth ninja says one last time before he reluctantly left the room, sparing them one last glance of concern from the doorway as he disappeared. Soon after, Jay catches onto the sound of Cole and Lloyd talking in the hallway. He decides to blur out the conversation for his own sake.
3 minutes have gone by and it’s only been pure silence between him and Kai. When Kai opens his mouth, Jay feels his shoulders tense.
“Should we catch up to them?” Kai asks, finally turning over to him hesitantly. The purple bags painted under his eyes did not belong on Kai. Not on the fire ninja who was hot-headed and prideful and loud. Not the red ninja who was abrasive and content with almost anything in life.
Then again, it didn’t belong on Jay either. He let out a groan. “Do we have to?”
“No. I don’t want to either, but Nya wouldn’t want us to sulk around like a sack of potatoes,” Kai mutters, a hint of playfulness in his voice, but the two of them knew that it was true. Nya wouldn’t want them to sag around. She’d want them to get up and do something productive. Jay bit his lip, feeling his face scrunch up as he looked up at Kai. “...fine. You’re right.”
Just 2 minutes before the land bounty would take off, Jay and Kai step out, faces still pale and purple with pain. Still mourning. Yet everyone gives them big and happy grins, as if them stepping out of the monastery was something revolutionary.
And, maybe, it kind of was.
“Good to see you’re joining us,” Lloyd greets with a nod, leading the two of them inside of the bounty. Pixal and Zane were sat by the panel of the vehicle – the sight of them together sends a wave of jealousy coursing through Jay’s veins, but he should be happy for them. He is. He just wished he could have it too.
The ride to the beach is strangely comfortable, despite the tense atmosphere around Jay and Kai. Lloyd and Pixal were having a conversation by the control panel whereas Zane and Cole were by the couch, exchanging their opinions on food recipes. Usually, Jay would join their conversation to poke fun at Cole, and Kai would join Lloyd by the panel, but this was not usual. This was the first time Jay’s been around so many people in the past few days.
It kind of reminds me of the time they thought Zane had died (Jay finds it hard to believe that Zane had ‘died’ a total of at least 3 times). It was silent and quiet and it had been a miracle to know that he was alive. Except Nya’s situation was more complicated. She didn’t die, that word was a far too simple concept. She became one with the ocean, whatever that meant, but she’s not dead. She’s just gone. From them. She’s happier and alive, just no longer with them.
Arriving at the beach is… weird. He’s so used to being there with Nya, hand in hand while kicking at the sand together. Nya would always elicit a water battle – which Jay always claimed to be unfair considering her advantage – but water is no longer an element to master. She is no longer there with them.
Lloyd and Cole look a lot more excited than anyone else did. It made sense; the two of them barely ever got the time to go out and, even if they did, the beach was a crowded and busy place. It’d be boring to visit such a wide area by yourself anyway, so, if Jay had to guess, this was probably their first time voluntarily being by the shore. The two of them run off while giggling to each other, Zane and Pixal walking at a slower speed behind them, while Kai and Jay stand by the bounty a little longer.
The ocean is beautiful. Maybe that was why Nya was the embodiment of it. Jay may have frequently visited the beach, but he’d never been able to fully capture the ocean, glistening with the rays of sunshine, moving along with the wind and smoothening out the sand with its waves.
To think that Nya is somewhere in there; somewhere a part of that… Maybe Jay hopes to see her. Maybe he hopes that she’d appear in front of them and hug them and reassure them that she was fine, and that she loved them.
Kai relishes the sight of it as well. There’s a faint smile on his lips that makes Jay’s lips twitch upwards too. It makes him feel less alone, makes it feel more real and grounded.
“Well, what are we waiting for, short stack?” Kai teases, jabbing at Jay’s side with an elbow. The lightning ninja lets out a squeak of surprise, earning himself a laugh from the taller ninja. “Hey! I’m not even that short anymore!”
Kai laughs louder, but his chuckles abruptly stop when Jay shoots out a string of lightning at him. The words in their eyes were the same; challenging and smug. Jay shoots another round of lightning at Kai and he dodges with ease, running off to a nearby tree and it feels alright for a second. It feels like it normally would, it feels like everything’s back to normal, even though it wasn’t, because things can never be normal without Nya.
The chase doesn’t last long. When they’re by the side of the shore, Kai stops in his tracks and stares out at the continuously vast ocean ahead of them, eyes glazed with emotion that Jay can’t name himself. Endearment, adoration, saudade. Jay replicates the look, looking at the setting sun by the coast of the sea.
He wonders if Nya can sense that they’re there. He wonders if Nya is currently looking back at Ninjago too.
It’s silent for the most part, since the beach was entirely empty except for the crew. They can distantly hear Lloyd, Zane, Pixal and Cole play volleyball, the sounds of seagulls squawking in the sky, Wu and Misako talking to each other under an umbrella. It’s the type of silence that Jay doesn’t mind for once. Kai as well.
“You know, I really miss her,” Kai admits in a hushed tone, looking at his reflection on the water with a grim smile. “You probably know it too. She loved going to the beach. Maybe she knew that the ocean would call for her since a long time ago.”
Jay considers that as a possibility, and it makes him feel a little better. At least Nya is comfortable and happy , and that’s all Jay could ever ask for. He nods. “Maybe. Though I wish we could’ve seen more of her before she left. I wish we could’ve spent a day doing the things we wanted to before she–...” he trails off, unable to find the right words to use. Kai understands.
“She loved you, Jay,” Kai says, saying the words with so much confidence and ease that Jay can’t help but trust them entirely. His shoulders relax and he looks up at Kai with a lopsided grin. “And her to you, Kai.”
And then it’s silent for a few more seconds. Jay shoves his hands into the pocket of his pants and Kai lets out a silent breath.
“Suddenly, the ocean seems a lot more therapeutic than it had been.”
Jay can’t help but laugh, shaking his head with a snicker. “No kidding. I think… the more I look at it, the more I realise this is all for the best.”
Another beat of silence as a wave of water rushes under their feet. Kai nods his head, adding his own two cents. “The more I look at it, the more real it all becomes.”
“Yeah,” Jay agrees simply, staring at his own reflection on the water. “She’s living the life that destiny had prepared for her. And she’s happy, even without us. We should… we should be happy without her too.”
And maybe… maybe things could be different. They’ll never stay the same, not without her, but they can learn to be better. Nya would want that. She was living the best life that could’ve been offered and Jay has to learn to do that too. For the sake of Ninjago, for the sake of the team, for the sake of Nya, and for the sake of himself.
Distinctively, he thinks Nya would be proud of the progress he’s made in the last few days.
A round object hits the back of his head with a loud ‘thunk!’, followed by an ‘OOPS! I am so sorry, Jay!’ from Lloyd and rounds of laughter from everyone else in the team (most notably, a particularly loud guffaw from Cole). And Jay… Jay’s smile reaches his eyes for the first time in weeks as he grabs the volleyball and aims it at the earth ninja's face. The black-haired ninja lets out a pained squeak, and it was Jay's turn to laugh at him.
“Ow-! You little-! You’re on!”
The universe can be cruel with the events that take place, but they happen in order to change that person for the better.
And Jay might not be able to change quite yet, but he would. Nya would want him to and his family did too.
Life wasn’t fair so it was his job to find that balance himself.