Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Sue,

Hi.  It’s Ponyboy.  Or Mike.  I hope it's alright that I’m writing you.  Your dad gave Johnny and me your address and I know on the phone you said you forgave us, but I still feel bad that we left without saying goodbye.  I’m sorry about that.  I never really got to tell you anything about why I was in New York, but we were scared to tell anyone much of anything.  Anyway, I’m sorry we had to lie to you.  Like I said, I did want to tell you everything before we left…or most of it at least.  There was a lot to tell.  But we found out that my foster sister was willing to testify against that guy we were hiding out from, our foster dad, so we decided to come home, even though that probably wasn’t the best idea.  I hadn’t seen my family in almost a whole year and I missed them a lot.  It worked out okay…they arrested that guy, and my brother got custody again.

Darry, my oldest brother, has custody of me and our other brother, Soda, since our parents died almost two years ago.  Me and Darry used to fight a lot, mostly since he used to worry about me a lot and I didn’t really get that.  Johnny and me got jumped one night after I’d gotten in a fight with Darry, and then we got a new social worker, so I got sent to a boy’s home.  Then I got sent to that foster house.  It was real bad there, so I ran away, and that’s how I ended up in New York.   

Anyway, I’ve been home for a little over a month now.  James (I think you met him…he’s the guy we were staying with when we were in New York) and your cousin came to visit, and Marcus told my brothers and friends all about how I came to your church, and they thought that was real funny.  It’s been good to have them around over the last couple of days.  I wish you could have come visit too so I could apologize, and thank you for getting us jobs and helping us out so much when we were there.  They just went home yesterday after staying a couple of days, and I already miss them.  

I’ve been studying a lot to take the final exams to see if I could pass my sophomore year.  Hopefully I can take the tests sometime next week.  I skipped a year in school before my parents died, but then it was hard to keep up with school in that foster house.  I’m going to try but Darry said that even if I couldn’t pass them and had to redo the year, it would be okay, which you’d know was weird if you’d ever met Darry.  He’s always cared a lot about school, and so have I.  

If you want to write back or call again or anything, you’ve got my address and phone number.  But I just wanted to say thanks again for everything you did, and to try to explain some of it.  I was having a really hard time and it was nice of you and your family to look out for us, and to let us come to church with you.  So thanks.  I hope everything’s okay there.  

Ponyboy Curtis

Ponyboy stared at the notebook paper, fiddling with the edges of his sleeves and wondering if he was making a mistake as the front door of their house slammed shut.  His school books sat in a stack beside him on his desk, shielding the letter from the rest of his empty bedroom, and part of him just wanted to rip it up and toss it.  He could hear Sodapop and Steve talking too loud as they made their way from the front door to the kitchen, flipping on the TV when they passed.  It was nearly five thirty, and he was sure Soda would be heading back out with Steve before too long, probably to a poker game or a race or something since it was still summer break and Steve didn’t have to get up early for school even though it was the middle of the week.  Darry would probably be home soon too.  

Their new social worker had talked to his school from the year before and his old school to at least let him try to go to the next grade if he could pass some tests for science and math, which he hadn’t had great grades in by the end of the year. Darry had told him that maybe he should just repeat the year…that it was no big deal.  That Pony shouldn’t worry about it.  Sodapop had said the same thing…that it wasn’t something he needed to be worried about.  But Ponyboy didn’t want to repeat the year.  He didn’t want to do it all over.  He’d tried so hard for the last year to keep up in school…he didn’t want it to be for nothing.  

He didn’t want his time in that hellhole to be for nothing.

So since the morning before when James and Marcus had gone home, he’d holed up in his room, studying his books and trying to see how far behind he was.  He’d always been good in school, and even in that foster home, he’d done his best to keep up.  The more he read, the more he thought he might be able to pass.  Math hadn’t ever been his strongest subject, but none of this was too hard, and the science he mostly knew too, except when it got into the more advanced chemistry stuff.  That he needed to keep going over.

“Hey!  You done studying yet?” Soda called, opening the door and grinning at him.  Pony tried not to flinch and failed, hoping his brother didn’t notice.  He knew Soda hadn’t done it on purpose.  All the guys, but Soda and Darry especially, tried not to sneak up on him, or make loud noises around him, but sometimes Sodapop forgot…Two-Bit too.  Ponyboy cursed himself for being startled.  He’d known his brother was probably gonna come see him before he left.  He wasn’t scared of Soda.  Ponyboy repeated it like a mantra, although it never seemed to help.

“Not yet,” he told his brother, grabbing a random book off the top of the stack and putting it on top of his notebook, trying to act casual.  His brothers knew a little about Sue, mostly from what Marcus and Mr. Williams had told them, and it wasn’t like he wasn’t supposed to be writing her or nothing.  Still, he didn’t want them teasing him, so he thought he’d keep this to himself for a while.  Besides, he thought, he didn’t even know if he was going to send it.  

“You’ve been studying all day,” Soda whined, coming in and dropping onto the bed.  He was grinning, though, so Ponyboy did too.

“Have not.  I went and saw Johnny on his lunch.”  

It’s where he’d gotten the idea to write this letter.  They’d been talking like usual about stuff back in New York now that James and Marcus were gone.  Pony couldn’t help missing her, and James too, even if he was glad to be home.  He’d liked having a job, and having money, even if they had had to save just about everything they’d made.  If it hadn’t been for the circumstances, it could have been fun.  He’d even like to go back and visit now that he wasn’t on the run from someone trying to kill him.  

They’d gotten to talk to Sue once since he’d come home, and she’d said that she forgave him for leaving without saying goodbye, but he still wanted to explain everything better, especially considering all she’d done for him.  If she hadn’t convinced her dad to give him that job, and if her cousin and his friends hadn’t started looking out for him and Johnny, things could have been real bad for them.  Not to mention, she and her dad had let them sit with them at church, and she’d taken them swimming…she’d been a good friend, and he felt bad for not telling her much of the truth.  

Thus the letter.

But he didn’t know how much to say, or how much to hold back.  Would she even care that his brother had custody of him, or that he was trying to take his exams?  They hadn’t gotten to talk much, between them spending time together at church or when they were both working, and Pony had never really spent time with girls, especially not nice girls like her, so he didn’t know what they usually liked to talk about.

Well…he’d talked to Cherry, but he remembered all too well how that had turned out.

Still, when he’d sat down at his desk after meeting Johnny, grabbing a book to read for a while, he’d found himself opening his notebook instead, deliberating for almost twenty minutes before finally putting pen to paper.  

“Steve and I are going to a race tonight.  You wanna come with us?”

Honestly, Ponyboy didn’t.  He’d gone to the races with Steve and Soda, and a few times with just Soda, several times over the last few weeks while they’d been waiting to find out if Darry would get to keep custody, and after the hearing and that therapy appointment, when James and Marcus had shown up, he’d spent lots of time with them and the guys.  No one seemed to want to leave him alone for too long, and today was the first day he’d been able to spend mostly by himself.

It wasn’t that he didn’t like hanging out with his brother.  He even liked spending time with Steve more now that they were getting along.  But every time he went anywhere with Soda, or any of the guys except Johnny and Dal, he could feel their eyes on him, always watching.  Always worrying.  And he couldn’t blame them for being worried.  After living with an asshole that beat the shit out of him on the regular, and who he’d fought all the time to keep his foster sisters safe, he was different.  A lot different.  Loud noises freaked him out.  So did people yelling, especially at him, but just in general too.  He couldn’t keep eye contact for long, and sometimes, when he got mad, he felt his temper like a stick of dynamite, exploding too fast before he could even figure out what was happening.

So he wasn’t sure if the guys thought he was going to freak out and have a breakdown or black out and beat someone to death, but either way, he couldn’t blame them, since he’d done both in the last few months.  And he knew Soda wanted him to talk…he couldn’t help thinking that it was part of why his brother kept inviting him places, even when he was planning on going with Steve.  Pony had talked to him a little, just about the blacking out when he’d just about killed that guy in New York…the guy and his friends had been threatening Sue and…well, Ponyboy couldn’t remember all of it, but he’d come to when Johnny had pulled him off the guy whose face hadn’t been much more than a bloody mess.

So he’d talked a little.  He’d told the police officer helping his brother his story, and once or twice he’d given Soda and Darry little bits of what had happened.  They knew the gist.  But like Johnny had said, he hadn’t talked about it, and he didn’t want to.  If he did talk to someone, he didn’t want it to be Darry or Soda.  Like he’d said to Sodapop that night a couple of days ago, it would hurt them.  He could see it every time they saw him flinch at something or when he’d mess with his sleeve, making sure to keep his arms covered.  It hurt them.  And he couldn’t stand to see them hurt.  Bad enough Darry had been there when he’d told the cop everything, and that Soda had seen his back where that asshole had belted him, leaving scars Ponyboy worried would never fade.  With his stupid bleached hair and scar running across his cheek from where one of Richard’s friends had gotten him with a beer bottle back when he’d barely escaped from them, he figured they could never get away from reminders that he’d been abused, even if he did keep his shirt on to keep the scars on his back and the cigarette burn scars on his arms hidden.

But, he figured, if things could get back to normal, maybe they would forget.  Hell, maybe he could forget.  

“Nah, that’s alright.  Steve probably don’t want me tagging along anyway, and I need to keep studying if I’m gonna pass.”

Soda grimaced, the familiar worry settling onto his features.  Pony hated it…he missed when Soda was carefree, always laughing and joking around, and not worrying about him all the time.  “You know you ain’t gotta worry about those tests, Pony.  Repeating the year wouldn’t be so bad.”

“I don’t want to repeat the year.”  Pony’s voice came out harder than he meant it to, some of that desperation leaking out, and he tried to move past it fast.  “Besides, I just started studying yesterday, and I know most of it.  Just need to catch up on math.  Darry’ll probably help me when I get to the harder stuff.”

“Yeah…I’m sure he will,” Soda told him, hesitant and trying to smile.  “You can still come out with us for a few hours.  And Steve don’t mind.  I think he’s warming up to you.”  Soda said it as a joke, and Pony tried to laugh and sound normal, even though the reason Steve had warmed up to him was because he’d been taken away from his family, and had been beat just about to death and had had to run away, making the gang think he really was dead for a minute.  

Pony tried to dismiss that thought that, like so many others, seemed to pop up out of nowhere…thoughts of cigarette burns and Rita, his foster sister, sobbing in the bed behind him, trying to be quiet so no one would hear, and Lianne…Lianne who had died behind some bar because she wouldn’t keep her mouth shut.  

Lianne, who he still dreamed about, waking from nightmares sobbing into a pillow and trying not to wake Soda and only sometimes succeeding.

“Y'all go ahead.  Maybe I can come next time.”

“Who the hell said we’d invite you next time?”  

Ponyboy snorted, laughing for real then, turning and finding Steve grinning in the doorway, both of them ignoring Soda’s incredulous look.  

“You still studying?”

“Just started back.  I went to meet Johnny for lunch earlier and read for a while so…” he trailed off, shrugging, and Steve nodded.  

“Yeah, guess you’d better keep on then.  You probably don’t want to repeat the year.”  Steve told him, ignoring the way Soda gritted his teeth, shooting him a glare.

Surprised that Steve of all people seemed to get it, Ponyboy nodded, dropping his eyes when he couldn’t keep eye contact anymore.  He’d managed for a couple of seconds, so that was better than normal.  

“Come on, Soda.  They’re gonna start soon.”

“You sure you don’t want to come?” Soda asked softly, leaning in and resting his elbows on his knees.  “Darry won’t mind since school hasn’t started up again.  We won’t be out that late.”

“I’m fine here.  I’ll see you later,” Pony told him, trying not to hurt his feelings but also kind of trying to get rid of him.  Because he couldn't stand making his brothers worry….especially not Sodapop.

Once Soda and Steve were gone, the house empty once more, Pony went into the kitchen and snatched an envelope and a stamp, hoping Darry wouldn’t mind, then headed back to his room and shut the door.  He’d offered the little bit of money he’d had left over from New York to Darry, but his brother had just stared at him for a long time, looking sad, before he’d pushed Pony’s hand away.  

“Keep it, Pone.  It’s your money.  You earned it.”

So Pony tried to be careful about how he used it, not wanting to have to ask either of his brothers for money for a long time, but maybe he’d spare a little for stamps if she wrote back.  Plus he probably needed new shoes if he was going to go out for track.  Maybe he could find a cheap pair.  Or he could use that money to buy his lunch at school and pay for the bus and stuff so Darry wouldn’t have to give him any.  He couldn’t smoke anymore, so it wasn’t like he would need to spend it on cigarettes.  

Thanks, asshole, he thought with a grimace, picturing Richard’s face and feeling sick.  He’d saved him thirty cents a week.

Pony shook that thought off, trying to move on from it without throwing up.  He was so sick of Richard popping up in his brain all the time.

Track was another thing he worried about.  It would give him something to keep him occupied…maybe it would keep his brothers and the guys from worrying about him so much.  But he was still underweight and got tired pretty easily, so he’d need to start training if he was going to even try.  Who knew if he’d even make the team.  

The front door shut softly, and Pony opened his math textbook, flipping through the chapters to try and figure out the last thing he could understand.  The letter he’d stuffed into the envelope, now addressed and stamped, was in his desk drawer, and his notebook was opened to a fresh page where he scribbled page numbers of stuff he needed to go over.  

Despite the fact that he’d heard his brother come into the house, and despite knowing that he would come and see him, Pony still felt his heart speed up when the footsteps approached his door.  Shaking his head at himself, he squeezed the pencil in his trembling hand.  “It’s Darry,” he whispered to himself, trying to make the shaking stop and failing.  “It’s just Darry.  The asshole’s in jail anyway, and even if he wasn’t, he couldn’t get me here.”

“Pone?”  The knock on his bedroom door, the soft rapping of knuckles barely louder than his voice, still made him flinch, and he shook his head, taking a deep breath, trying not to think about a fist pounding on Rita’s bedroom door, his hands holding the knob and trying to keep him from getting in.

“Hey, Darry.”  His brother opened the door and Ponyboy forced himself to look…forced his eyes to meet Darry’s for a few seconds.  “How was work?”

“It was fine.  You still studying?” he asked, coming in and sitting where Soda had.  Pony knew that Darry kind of got it too…or he got some of it.  He never stood over him anymore.  Not that he’d done it a lot…it was just, he knew he’d never thought anything of standing beside him when Pony was sitting or laying down before.  Darry had never been any kind of threat, no matter how big he was.  But now he made sure to sit down or keep some distance so he wasn’t towering over him.  He moved slower too…not by a lot, but just a little.  Slow and careful, like Soda had moved around that horse he’d loved, not wanting to spook him.  

“Just started again.  I went and had lunch with Johnny and read for a while.”  That wasn’t quite a lie…he’d read that letter he’d written Sue, and before that he’d tried to look at a novel for a few minutes but hadn’t been able to concentrate.  

“You had dinner yet?”

Pony shook his head, knowing he couldn’t lie about that.  He wasn’t really hungry…getting his appetite back after being starved for months had been a slow process but he was trying, mostly because he figured he had to, especially around his brothers.  “Not yet.”

“Burgers okay?”

He nodded.  “Yeah.  Want some help?”

Darry shook his head.  “Nah…but why don’t you take a break?  Come watch TV or something?”

Pony wanted to laugh.  Who’d have thought Darry of all people would want him to take a break from schoolwork. “I just took a break.  I’ll be fine.”

Darry pursed his lips, but he didn’t argue.  “You need help with anything?” 

He shrugged.  “Not yet, but I might in a bit.”

“Just let me know.”  Darry ruffled his hair, grinning when Ponyboy dodged and tried to swat him away.  “I thought you’d go with Soda and Steve tonight.”  He stood, making his way to the door and speaking real casual like he wasn’t worried.  

Unlike him, Darry wasn’t a great liar.

“Nah.  Figured I ought to finish this.  Besides, Steve’s gonna get sick of me sooner or later.”

Darry chuckled, heading to the kitchen to make dinner and leaving him to study…or try to.  As the pain that had started as a dull throbbing at the back of his head started to get worse, he had to fight harder to concentrate.  

When Pony started to smell the food, their front door slammed, making him jump so hard he dropped his pencil, his heart pounding too loud in his chest, and he wanted to scream, helpless frustration washing over him like a wave he couldn’t stop.  People slammed their door every day!  Why the hell did it still make him think of Richard?  Closing his eyes, he put his head in his hands and cursed Richard under his breath, words he’d only heard Dally say a couple of times, and smiled a bit when it actually seemed to help a little.

“Dallas!” Darry snapped, not as loud as usual, but sounding awful mad.  

“Yeah, yeah.  Sorry,” Dally answered, not sounding sorry at all, and Ponyboy smiled for real, shaking his head and wiping his stupid wet eyes before picking up his pencil again.  He’d been working on algebra, and he figured he was in pretty good shape even if the end of the semester had been rough.  “The kid here?”

“In his room.  He’s studying.”

Dallas ignored the unspoken warning to leave him alone and came into his room anyway, not knocking.  “Thought you’d be out with Soda,” he told him, punching him in the shoulder and dropping onto the bed that was becoming more of a sofa apparently.  

“Gotta study,” Pony told him, not looking up until Dally leaned in close enough to knock shoulders with him.  Dally didn’t act much different around him…he was still irritable and he didn’t hesitate to punch him in the arm or wrestle with him like the others sometimes did, but there was still a difference.  He treated him almost like Johnny…like he’d kill anyone that messed with him.  Like he cared a lot about him.  And he knew that Dally had cared before…Dally had always looked after him, and he’d been the one to track him down when he’d been in that foster home.  Then he’d gotten him out of town when Richard had wanted to kill him.  

Dally had saved his life that night.

But now it was different.  Just a little, but different.  Almost softer, if anyone could call Dally soft and not lose some teeth.  Pony certainly wasn’t gonna try it either way.  

“Never did figure out why they had to put letters in math.”

Pony opened his mouth to explain then shut it, figuring Dally didn’t actually care.  “It ain’t so bad,” he told him instead.  

“You think you can pass?”

“Yeah,” he told him, even if he worried it wasn’t true.  “Just gotta take algebra and science.  I don’t want to do the year over.”

“Hell, you ain’t gotta tell me, kid.  Lord knows I wouldn’t want to be in school any longer than I had to.”  

“Is Two-Bit coming over?” Pony asked, putting his pencil down and not mentioning that Dallas had dropped out.  He hadn’t seen Two-Bit around as much as usual, but he figured that was because he was staying home with his sister Susie.  Ever since Richard’s friends had broken into their house looking for information about where to find Ponyboy and had roughed Susie up, Two-Bit had been staying with her more.  The guys didn’t watch her all the time anymore like they had at first, but Two-Bit still kept a closer eye on her than he had before.  And sometimes she came over with him.  Since Ponyboy hadn’t been feeling great for a while, he hadn’t talked to her much, but he’d never minded having her around.  She was a year younger than him, but she still dug okay, and she borrowed his books sometimes.  

He was pretty sure she had some of his now, come to think of it.

“Nah, he met Soda and Steve at the track since Rita is at his place with Susie.”  Dallas lay back on the bed, hands pillowed behind his head like he was going to take a nap or something, and Pony looked back at his homework, lost in thought.

Rita, too, had apparently been staying with Two-Bit sometimes.  Sometimes she’d stayed with Darry and Soda when he’d been in New York, but not often since he’d come back, and he hadn’t seen her around much…it wasn’t like they’d talked much even when they had lived together.  But he’d protected her every night, and she’d patched him up as best she could after Richard had hurt him.  

She didn’t stay with Susie to babysit or nothing…as far as Pony could tell, when she’d run off from Richard’s, she’d stayed with her boyfriend who’d turned out to be an asshole too.  The guys had all taken it upon themselves to watch out for her, and had all offered her a place to sleep if they could.  She seemed to take Two-Bit up on it most of the time, but he knew she’d stayed with Dally at Buck’s once or twice.  A few nights ago, she’d told him that Dal, in a rare show of manners, had offered her his bed, not taking no for an answer, and not being sleazy about it either.  

“You feeling okay, kid?” Dally’s question jerked him out of his thoughts and he turned to find him staring at him.  Wondering how long he’d been lost in thought, and wishing he could quit losing time like that, he nodded.  

“Yeah.  Tired.”  It was an excuse that worked with most people.  But Dally wasn’t most people.  

“Even if you’ve gotta repeat the year, you’re gonna be fine.  You’ll just have to graduate on time instead of early like everyone else,” Dallas told him, almost nice.  

“I know,” he told him instead of arguing, rubbing a hand over his eyes.  His head was starting to hurt, and he didn’t know if it was from stressing out about everything or all the reading he’d been doing.

Dallas sat up, grabbing Ponyboy’s arm and pulling them both to their feet, and Pony let himself be pulled, going along without argument.  It wouldn’t have done any good anyway.  

“Give the books a rest for tonight.  Come on.  Let’s go see if your brother’s got dinner ready.”  

Figuring his friend wasn’t just making a suggestion, Pony nodded, putting his notebook in his book and shutting it to keep his place, then following Dally out into the kitchen.  He supposed his studying could wait.

Chapter Text

On the very long list of things Ponyboy hadn't talked with anyone about was how hard it was to eat now. For lots of reasons. Probably, he thought, because he'd gotten so used to being hungry that he hardly felt it anymore. He'd barely been able to eat at the boy's home, and they'd only let them eat at certain times anyway. Then in that foster home, they'd barely been allowed to eat anything, and the only time he'd had money for food was when his two foster brothers, Tyler and Mark, had given him some change to get something at school. He'd figured out quick that he could eat bread and drink lots of water to fill up. And if there was no bread, just water would do. When Dally had given him a dollar to get something to eat after he'd picked him up from school that one day after finding him, he'd made that dollar stretch for more than two weeks, barely ever using it unless he was desperate.

Ponyboy had quickly realized that he'd never actually been hungry before. His family had always had enough food. He'd never had to skip a meal, and he'd never missed a meal only to be denied food later. The thing he learned real quick about hunger, at first it was unbearable. Then it was annoying. Then it mostly went away.

Even when Johnny had been with him in New York and they'd had just enough for food, he'd still found it almost impossible to eat, forgetting half the time before Johnny had joined him, then mostly just thinking of food because he'd figured his friend was hungry. He knew it had worried Johnny, but they hadn't talked about it much.

Since he'd been back, it would have made more sense if he'd been hungry all the time. There was always food in the kitchen, and he knew that his brothers wanted him to eat if he was hungry. He could always make a sandwich or get a coke if he wanted one and they had some. They had leftovers sometimes too, and easy stuff to make like pasta and chicken and snacks like crackers and potato chips most of the time. Cans of soups too. And there was almost always a cake in the ice box. So he could always find something to eat if he was hungry. At school, before he'd gone away, he'd usually spent lunch with Johnny and Two-Bit, and sometimes Steve, and if he didn't have money for whatever reason, they'd always spot him…even Steve. Or they'd go to the DX and Soda would give him something.

The only problem was, most of the time, he didn't really get hungry all that much anymore. Usually, when food was in front of him and he hadn't eaten in a while, he could stomach it. He might even start to feel hungry once he'd started. But any time he felt anxious, which seemed like most of the time now, he'd feel his stomach turn at just the thought of eating, and he'd want to throw up if he tried to make himself, which he did sometimes if his brothers were watching him and looking worried. Before, he'd eaten a lot. Cake for breakfast with eggs too, and two sandwiches for lunch. He'd almost always have seconds at dinner, and his parents, then Darry, made sure there was always enough for everyone to eat their fill.

Now his fill was just a couple of bites, even though the doctor had said he was underweight…he couldn't seem to make himself feel hungry. So when he sat down with Darry and Dal for dinner, he had to force himself to take small bites, praying that his brother and friend were engrossed enough in their conversation about whatever it was they were talking about that they wouldn't notice….he couldn't seem to focus. He didn't know if it was because he wasn't eating enough, or because he was almost always on alert, waiting for something to happen. It felt like it had almost been better in New York, which didn't make any sense. He was safer here than he'd been there, with more people to watch his back, and his family was around. But in New York…well, he felt like he'd been living in a haze for a lot of it, and there were parts from when he'd first gotten there that he didn't even remember. He knew he'd been scared there too, and he'd been freaked out by all the same stuff, like people yelling and eye contact and loud noises, but it felt worse now, because the guys could all see it. Even worse, his brothers could see it. They could see how different he was and they were worried and he didn't know how to fix it.

He thought about saying all of that to the therapist lady, Doctor Song, that he had to go see once a week until she said he didn't anymore, but he didn't think he could. He didn't know how to say those words…didn't know how to get over the shame of being so scared all the time and being so…

Broken. Shattered. That's how he felt. And he didn't know how to put those pieces back again.

A foot slammed into his shin none too gentle and he jerked his leg back, head snapping up to glare at Dallas who smirked a little.

"Ow," he snapped, leaning down to rub his leg but not daring to yell at him. Before, he might have. Before, Darry's presence might have made him brave enough. But now…now he couldn't bring himself to.

"Pay attention, kid. I asked if you wanted to come to the movies with me and Johnny tonight."

The memory of the last time he'd gone to the movies with Johnny and Dal came vividly back and he shook his head, determinedly not meeting either of their gazes. "Nah, not tonight. I'm gonna study some more."

Dally shrugged, acting like he didn't care, but Pony got the feeling he did.

"You want anything else to eat?" Darry asked, taking his plate over to the sink and smacking Dally on the head as he passed, making Pony wonder if that was possibly retribution for kicking him a second ago. Their buddy swatted at him, half hearted, and Ponyboy stood, nudging his brother out of the way to start washing the dishes since he'd cooked.

"I'm alright."

"Cake?" Darry offered, a smile in his voice, and Pony grinned a little, shaking his head as he dumped his partially eaten burger in the trash.

"Yeah, I'll take some," Dallas put in, making Pony bark out a laugh. Darry snorted, shaking his head and snapping a towel at their friend who jumped back.

"Wasn't talking to you. Get it yourself," he said, snapping the towel again. "Pony, you want some? We've got plenty."

"No thanks."

Darry just nodded, looking worried as always, but Ponyboy didn't know what to do about that so he just started washing their plates while Darry wrapped up the leftovers for Soda to have later. Dally grabbed the cake from the fridge, cutting himself a slice and leaning against the counter beside him, Darry heading into the living room.

"You sure you don't want to come along, kid? We won't be out too late, and your brother don't care."

Pony was almost tempted to say yes, since Dal was being so nice. He'd almost always been willing to let Pony and Johnny tag along with him…almost like he actually liked having them around. Still, he shook his head. "I'd better get some more studying done."

"Man, you ain't done enough of that over the last two days?"

He shook his head again, grinning when he glanced over and saw the chocolate on his face. "I wanna pass those tests, Dal."

"Yeah, alright. Maybe next time." Dal patted him on the shoulder, leaving his hand there for a minute. "See you around, kid." He left the half eaten piece of cake on the counter beside the sink, heading out and telling Darry he'd see him later. A few seconds later, the front door slammed.

Ponyboy turned back to the dishes, ignoring the cake.

He let his sleeves get wet rather than pull them up as he washed the dishes, and he was glad Dally hadn't said anything about it. James was, so far, the only person who'd really talked about him about his sleeves. Johnny had tried once or twice, but Pony hadn't wanted to…he still didn't want to, but James didn't care if he'd wanted to talk or not. Instead, he'd pulled him aside one more time before he'd left, the two of them alone out on the porch while Marcus had talked to his brothers.

"If you ever find yourself in New York again, my couch will be free."

Pony had wanted to tell him that he wished he didn't have to leave. He'd wanted to tell him how glad he was to see him, and that he was going to miss him a lot. James had done a lot for him…had practically saved him. He'd gotten his buddies to stand up for him too, and they'd all fought that guy that had sent his guys after Pony and Johnny. Pony didn't know how to really thank him for that. Instead, he'd just nodded. "You guys too," he'd said simply. "We always got room. What did you think of Tulsa?"

"I don't know. It's pretty boring compared to New York."

He'd laughed. "Yeah, I guess it is. That ain't a bad thing all the time though."

"I guess not." James had sighed, staring out at the yard for a bit before turning to him. "You gonna be alright, kid?"

"Sure I will."

"Yeah? 'Cause you're already hot in that sweatshirt, and according to your brother, you're on the track team. You gonna run in long sleeves?"

"Thought you weren't gonna bug me about that anymore." He'd said it with a little smile to show he wasn't actually upset. James had snorted, cuffing him in the back of the head but not hard.

"The sooner you do it, the sooner you're gonna get over it." And that's all he'd said about it, but the words echoed through his head all the time. The sooner he did it…the sooner he just came out of his room with short sleeves or even just rolled them up, the sooner everyone would get used to it. He hated the idea of them making a big deal of it…of people staring. Especially his brothers. Soda had been real upset when he'd seen his arms, and his back too…and he knew Darry had too. But he didn't think there was any way to stop that.

It was going to hurt, and he couldn't stand the thought of hurting his brothers.

Before they'd gone inside, James had held out a piece of paper. "I figured you still had it, but just in case, here's my number. Try and call before you end up on my doorstep if you gotta sleep on my couch again, yeah?"

"Sure. Thanks, James. And uh…for coming…it was good to see you." The words had sounded lame…not enough. But his friend had just grinned.

"You too, kid." He'd patted his shoulder, and that was the last conversation they'd had.

Back in his bedroom, Ponyboy shut his door before changing out of his now wet shirt, yanking the sleeves of his new shirt down before he could see his arms and dropping back into his desk chair. Maybe, he thought, he should have gone with Dal. That, at least, would keep Darry from worrying. And it wasn't like he was going to go to the movies and it would all happen again.

Just the thought made him shudder, stomach turning. No…Darry wouldn't let that happen. And he wasn't going to get into any trouble. Not now that he was finally safe again. Hell, not ever, if he could help it. And he didn't think Dal would bug any soc girls again with him and Johnny around. Next time, he told himself, when someone invited him to go somewhere, he'd go. Especially if it was Dally and Johnny.

It wasn't until he'd been staring at the same list of math problems for almost an hour that Darry finally knocked on his door again, peeking his head inside. "Kiddo, you sure you don't want anything else to eat?"

Pony blinked tired eyes and turned, nodding. "Yeah, I ain't really hungry."

Darry gave him that same concerned look he'd had all the time back before all this had happened…the look Pony used to mistake for him being irritated or upset or something. He wasn't though. Pony knew that much. Darry was just worried, like he was worried all the time nowadays. But he didn't say anything else about him eating. Instead, he came into the room and peered over his shoulder, glancing over his notes. "How's the studying going?"

"Can't really concentrate," he admitted, wiping a hand over his face.

"Maybe you ought to give it a rest for tonight. You feeling alright?" he asked, pressing the back of his hand to his forehead.

"Just tired." Darry nodded, looking at him like he didn't believe him, and Pony wished he could say something to make him quit worrying. Or ask for Aspirin for his headache without making him worry more. "I'm gonna go to the library tomorrow. I've gotta take some books back." They weren't due just yet, but he wanted to get out of the house and do something that wasn't sitting around or being babysat. But he did make sure to let Darry know where he was going to avoid any kind of arguments. He didn't want to fight with Darry…didn't want to know how he'd react if his older brother got angry enough to yell. Would he start bawling like a baby? Or would he hit him until someone pulled him off…until Darry had to hit him for real.

"You want a ride?"

His brother's voice jerked him out of his thoughts and he shook his head. "Nah, that's alright. I can walk. I need to get back in shape for track anyway."

Darry looked like he wanted to say something…to argue. But after a minute, he nodded. "Yeah, alright. Just try not to push yourself too hard, alright? And take a blade."

He would. He always did now. He'd gotten in the habit when he'd been in that foster home, and it had paid off.

That night, Soda woke him when he finally crawled into bed, smelling like an ashtray. Ponyboy wrinkled his nose and turned his face away, the smell reminding him that he couldn't smoke anymore, and of the scars that dotted his arms. Of how it felt when a lit cigarette pressed into his bare skin. "Hey," he grumbled, rolling over and looking blearily at his brother in the dark. "How was the race?"

"Good…won five dollars. You should have come."

Pony hummed noncommittally and dropped his head back on the pillow, closing his eyes.

"What'd you do tonight?" Soda asked, shaking him a little and making him grin as he shoved him off.

"Dally came over for dinner. Then I kept studying." He didn't mention the fact that he'd tried to read for a while in his room, but that his head had ached and the words started swimming around on the page after a while, so he'd just taken a shower and had gone to bed hours earlier than usual. He'd heard the bedroom door open, and he'd felt the back of Darry's hand rest lightly on his forehead again, but he'd just pretended to be asleep as his brother had pulled the covers up a little before leaving him to sleep. "I'm gonna go to the library tomorrow. Do some studying there and return some books."

"You're boring," Soda teased, huffing out a breath and dropping onto his own pillow. "How come you don't want to do anything fun anymore?"

"We went to a race last week," he reminded Soda. "And we all played football Sunday with Marcus and James."

Soda snorted. "Remember the look on Darry's face when Marcus tackled him?"

Pony grinned into the darkness. Marcus was just about as big as Darry, and strong too, and it had been a long time since anyone had managed to knock his brother over like that. Everyone had laughed, and Darry had finally grinned, dropping that dopey surprised look and had taken the hand Marcus had held out. "Yeah. Bet he's gonna hit the gym even harder now."

When it was quiet again, Ponyboy almost ready to fall back to sleep, Soda spoke again. "Is someone giving you a ride to the library?"

"Nah, I'm gonna walk. Gotta get back in shape for track."

"You sure? You still ain't looking great, you know?"

"Thanks, Soda," he told him dryly, and his brother elbowed him.

"You know what I mean." Soda sighed, and Pony knew he was different…before, he would have confided anything in Soda. He'd told his brother just about everything. But now…there was so much more to tell, and Pony didn't know how to do that anymore. Not after so long out of practice…not when so much of it could hurt him.

Let me help you carry it. That's what Soda had said. But Soda wasn't strong enough to carry this…he'd about broken down when he'd seen Pony's back, and he knew that, had Soda been there when he'd given his testimony to the cop helping them, he would have lost it. Pony wasn't going to hurt him like that.

Still, he tried, starting with something simple. Almost easy.

"I just want things to be normal again." He swallowed, teeth clenched together tight for a second before he made himself relax. "Running track, studying…hell, going to school. Walking to the library without you worrying about me."

"I always worried about you, Pony," Soda told him softly, and it sounded like he was trying to smile. "I don't know if you noticed, but we live in kind of a rough part of town."

Pony rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I think I got that when Bob Sheldon about drowned me."

"I ain't trying to get on your nerves or nag you or anything, Pone. I just…I want you to be alright. You're my little brother. I want to protect you."

He didn't get it though, Pony thought with a sad smile. Pony had to protect him. Sodapop was tough but not when it came to his family. If he just broke down and told him everything…if he told him that he'd spent nights wishing Richard would just kill him, or how he'd spent hours curled up on the floor at the end of Rita's bed, sobbing as quietly as possible because he was so hungry, and everything hurt so bad…if he told him any of that, it would hurt his brother so bad Pony worried he would break. But instead of saying all that, Pony just smiled a little, scooting over and resting his head on Soda's shoulder. "I know," he murmured, hoping to comfort him, and Soda rolled over, throwing an arm around him and holding him close. "But I'm fine. Now go to sleep. I'm tired."

Soda laughed, squeezing him tight before closing his eyes, and Pony closed his too, hoping that if he had nightmares, that he at least wouldn't wake the whole house.

Who was he kidding with 'if?' Nightmares were inevitable. They came almost every night.

Ponyboy woke with his face buried in a pillow so deep he about couldn't breathe, and he jerked his head away, gasping for breath, tears running down his cheeks and soaking the pillow cover. It was nothing new…these nightmares seemed to wake him about every night, but now he always remembered them. Pressing his shaking hand to his face, he tried to breathe normally, not wanting to wake his brother who slept on, oblivious beside him. He was almost glad that he'd stopped screaming when he had nightmares, even though the thing that had apparently broken him of it was being beaten on every time he woke that asshole up.

Soda rolled over. "Pone," he asked, his voice an exhausted whisper, and Ponyboy held his breath for a second, cursing silently and hoping his brother would think he was asleep. He waited for Soda to settle again before getting out of bed, glancing at the clock on the nightstand that told him it was only three in the morning before he left the room.

He went to the bathroom first, washing his face in cold water and trying to stop crying. He wasn't scared, he told himself. Richard was in jail. So were a lot of his friends. He wasn't even in any danger. He wasn't afraid. He stared hard at himself in the mirror, willing himself to calm down. To stop being so damn scared all the time.

Then, giving up on that, he went out on the porch, leaning on the railing and staring bleary eyed at their backyard. His whole body shook, but he couldn't make it stop so he tried to ignore it. What was his problem? He was home! He was safe now! Richard was in jail and his brothers were with him and he wasn't alone anymore!

The soft squeak of the door opening made him stiffen, but he didn't look up.

"You shaking because you're cold?"

The fact that it was Steve's voice startled him, and he tried to remember if he'd even seen him on the couch, or if he'd known he was there. Steve had been staying over a lot recently, and he wondered how bad things were with his dad…if his dad had ever belted him until he had scars, or if Steve would have fought back…would have grabbed that belt and hit his old man across the face with it.

Or maybe, he thought, when faced with someone like Richard, they would all be scared. Even Lianne had been scared in the end.

"No. I'm shaking because I keep having those stupid fucking nightmares and I can't stop," he snapped, the anger making him flush hot as he clenched his hands into fists on the railing. He wasn't mad at Steve…Steve had been cool since he'd come home. But suddenly he wanted to hit something so bad he couldn't stand it, and part of him thought Steve would do just fine. Maybe that would make it better. Tears sprung to his eyes and he shut them, dropping his head onto the railing and wishing he could make it all stop. He didn't want to be scared anymore. He didn't want to be mad at Steve over nothing.

He didn't want to dream about Richard anymore.

He wanted to forget.

Why couldn't he just forget?2

A hand landed on his shoulder, squeezing hard, and when Steve spoke, his voice was surprisingly gentle. "You want Soda? Or Darry?"

"No. I'm sick of making them worry all the time."

"They ain't gonna quit worrying about you anytime soon. None of us can," he admitted softly.

"Glory, I know it's bleak when Steve Randal is worrying about me," he tried to joke, and Steve snorted, punching his shoulder.

"Shut up. You better go back in. You fall asleep on the porch and your brothers are really gonna worry."

"You think this'll ever be over?" Ponyboy hadn't even meant to say it…hadn't meant to ask Steve of all people. He was desperate, though, and he just wanted to hear that it would be okay. That one day, this might be over. That he might be alright again.

His brother's friend was quiet for a minute before he threw an arm around his shoulders. "You're the toughest kid I know, Ponyboy. You're gonna be fine." For a second, he squeezed him in an almost hug, then pushed him away, knocking his fist against his shoulder again. "Go on. Get back in bed before Soda wakes up and comes looking for ya."

Chapter Text

"How are you feeling today, Ponyboy?"

Pony couldn't help smiling a little, feeling his guard drop just a bit, nerves settling. Despite himself, he liked Doctor Song. It wasn't that he wanted to tell her anything about what had happened...he hoped that one day he'd be able to…that maybe everyone was right, and that he could talk about it and let some of it go that way. But the biggest part of him didn't want to say any of it…didn't want anyone to know how bad it had been…how many times he'd given up, only to wake up the next morning, still alive. Still breathing. Still suffering in that hellhole.

"I'm alright," he told her, not sure how to answer that question to a therapist and going with basic manners. "How are you?"

She smiled, hands in her lap. "I'm doing very well, thank you. Last week, we talked a lot about your family…your brothers. Are either of them here with you today?"

He shook his head. He'd slipped out of the house early that morning, leaving a note that he was going to the library after meeting Doctor Song, and his backpack with his books sat at his feet. He figured his brothers would be upset…Soda had mentioned riding with him up to the therapist's office the day before, but Pony didn't want him to…and he hated that he didn't want him to.

"I rode the bus by myself."

"Did they want to come with you?"

He pressed his lips together, deciding it couldn't hurt to be honest. "Probably. Soda said something about it. But there ain't no reason for him to." She nodded, looking interested, so he tried to clarify. "It's his day off so I figured he ought to be doing something fun instead of sitting in a waiting room for an hour."

"Do you think he was bored waiting for you?"

"Um…I mean, he don't do too good sitting still, cooped up inside. Plus you said we'd be meeting for an hour from now on, right?" She nodded. "He'd rather be doing something else."

"Did he say that?"

"No…I mean…I just know him." Pony shrugged. "He…I don't need him to come with me. I'm alright by myself. Besides, I was going to the library after anyway, and he wouldn't want to do that. His friend is off too, and they'll probably want to do something."

"Do you like the library?"

It was such a different question than he thought she was going to ask that he was quiet for a second, defenses about Soda taking a second to drop. "I…yeah, uh…I do. I mean, yes. Ma'am."

"You don't need to be formal here," she told him, that calm, friendly look still on her face. "You can talk to me like you would a friend, or one of your brothers." She paused, letting him take that in, then went on. "So do you go to the library a lot?"

"I've just been going the last two days since I've been studying to take some tests to see if I can pass the last year."

"I saw in your file that you'd skipped a grade. If you pass these tests, will you be a junior?"

"Yeah." He nodded, stopping himself from correcting it to 'yes ma'am.' It was easier if he didn't have to remember to be so polite like he usually would be with adults. "It was hard to keep my grades up when I was at that house, but if I can pass the tests for math and science, my grades were enough that I can pass the year."

"So you've been studying quite a lot lately. Do you prefer studying at home or the library?"

Wondering what that had to do with anything but not brave enough to ask, he shrugged. "Uh…the library's quieter, I guess." Plus Darry and Soda weren't hovering or bugging him about studying too hard or worrying about these tests too much. He'd gotten so used to being alone that it had been almost a shock to have Johnny around all the time in New York, and even more so to have his brothers and the gang around all the time..but not in a bad way or anything. Just…different.

"How do your brothers feel about school?" she asked.

"I mean…they want me to do good. Darry graduated with real good grades. Soda dropped out 'cause he never liked it, but he's not dumb or nothing. Just…never could sit still for long. And he likes working on cars. Darry and me used to fight because he was kind of hard on me about grades." Pony closed his mouth, not having meant to say that, and he worried for a second she'd fixate on it, even though she'd told him that she wouldn't report anything as long as Pony didn't tell him that his brother was being abusive.

"What about now? Does Darry help you study, or tell you to study more?"

Ponyboy had to smile. "No…it's kind of weird," he admitted. "Uh…he says it's fine if I have to do the year over. I thought he'd be mad about my grades last semester but he wasn't…he told me it was okay. That he wasn't mad." He stared down at his lap for a second. "But I don't want to do the year over. I think…I mean, they're both worried that I'm studying too much and that, uh…they think I shouldn't worry about it."

"It's completely understandable that you wouldn't want to repeat a year of school."

He thought about Two-Bit and grinned, and she tilted her head, obviously curious. "My friend had to repeat his junior year but he didn't mind. I think he just likes to socialize," he told her, hesitant about making any kind of joke, but to his surprise, she laughed.

"It sounds like you have a lot of good friends. Will you tell me about them?"

So he did, relaxing once more as he told her about Two-Bit, who was a crack up but who always looked out for him, and Johnny, who had come to New York with him and had a job at a grocery store now…who used to be scared all the time but who was different now. Tougher and calmer, everything Pony wasn't. He told her about Steve too, who had been oddly nice lately, but who used to get irritated when he tagged along, and Dallas, trying to tone down some of his more problematic behaviors and focusing on how he'd gotten him out of town, and how he always invited him to go places and kept an eye on him

"And what about friends your own age? Maybe friends from school? Or you said you were on the track team? Do you have any close friends there?"

Pony's mind flashed to Sue and he wanted to shake himself. He barely knew her! Why the hell would he think of her? Probably because he'd mailed that letter the day before. "Uh…before my parents died, I was kind of close to some of the guys on the track team but…after…and then I got bumped up a grade so I didn't see any of my old friends as much."

"Was that difficult? Being moved up a grade?"

He thought about it for a moment. He'd been so focused on his own grief, and then the fear that his brother didn't want him around and fighting with him…then everything with Bob and what had happened after…

"I…I don't know. I didn't think about it much," he admitted. "My parents died pretty soon after and…we all just kind of lost touch." He'd never been real close to anyone outside the gang anyway. The guys from the track team were alright, but they weren't greasers for the most part. He'd never really wanted to have them over, or hang out after school.

She accepted that, nodding slowly and seeming to think for a moment. "Other than going to the library and studying, what have you been doing this week?"

He spent the rest of the session talking about James and Marcus visiting, mentioning that Marcus was the cousin of a girl he'd worked with in New York. She didn't ask about the girl, and he was glad. He didn't really know how to talk about Sue. He told her about visiting Johnny on his lunch breaks too, and how he was thinking about going to the school track to run some laps and try to get back in shape. And then the hour was up, and he strangely felt just a bit lighter…like talking to a stranger, even if it wasn't about anything too serious, had helped somehow. He didn't have to think about making her worry about him, or how she might feel about him…it was just her job to sit and listen.

Pony stood when she did, finding it was almost easy to meet her eyes. "Alright, Ponyboy. I'll see you next Saturday. Good luck on your tests."

"Thanks, Doctor Song."

He shut the door behind him, then jumped a little when he stepped out of her office to find Sodapop sitting in the waiting room, arms crossed, an eyebrow lifted as he lounged in one of the chairs. His brother was the only one in the waiting room, and Pony glanced at the door, lips twitching as he thought about making a break for it. Soda might be faster than him now though. He really did need to start running again. And this would be a great time to start.

Instead, he tried to lighten the mood, lifting his own eyebrow and crossing his arms. "You look like Two-Bit."

Soda rolled his eyes, and Ponyboy grinned to himself, heading for the door and knowing his brother would follow. He also knew that Soda wouldn't start anything in the doctor's waiting room, too afraid to get them kicked out by. But once they were out on the sidewalk, Soda turned to him, looking actually upset. "Why didn't you wait for me to come with you? I told you I would."

"I don't need you to come with me." Ponyboy said it before thinking, then hurried to go on when his brother flinched back a little. "There ain't no reason for you to be bored for an hour in that waiting room. It's not like you can come in the room anyway."

"I told you I didn't mind."

Pony stopped just short of telling his brother that he didn't want Soda to come with him…that he was working full time trying to keep his brothers from worrying, and that it was exhausting, and having some time to himself after talking to that doctor was what he actually wanted. But that would hurt Soda even more, so he just shrugged, trying to pretend it didn't matter. "Okay. Fine. If you want to sit in a waiting room by yourself for an hour…"

"Damn it, Ponyboy. I'm…I just want to help!"

He couldn't help. Soda couldn't carry this. Darry, maybe…but Ponyboy didn't want to find out…didn't want his brothers to have to bear the weight of something like this.

"How is sitting in that room gonna help?" he asked, harsher than he meant to. He didn't want to fight with Soda! Why couldn't his brother back off? Just a little?

Soda just stared at him, looking so lost and helpless that it just about killed him, and Pony ran a hand over his face, lowering his voice.

"I knew I was going to the library after this anyway. I gotta study if I'm going to pass those tests. And I knew you'd be miserable sitting for an hour in that room with nothing to do, and that you wouldn't want to spend all day in the library. That's all, Soda. Honestly."

His brother seemed to be fighting with himself for a minute, but he finally nodded, throwing his arm around Ponyboy's shoulders, seeming more resigned than anything. "You want to get something to eat? Before you go to the library?"

It was only eleven, and the closer it got to time to take those tests, the less Ponyboy could stomach food, anxiety a hard knot in his stomach and apparently taking up most of the room there. He'd been going to see Johnny around lunchtime, accepting the bag of chips or sandwich his friend would offer and trying to choke it down. He asked Johnny all about work, and how things were at home, and how the movie with Dally had been, trying to keep his friend talking about himself so Johnny wouldn't ask anything about him or notice he was just picking at the food. It mostly worked, even if he thought his friend had caught on to him.

Still, he'd upset Soda enough, so he nodded. "Yeah. Alright."

Soda took him to a little diner a few blocks away, the two of them sitting across from each other in the booth, and after several minutes of almost awkward silence, Pony decided he needed to try…to give him something. But nothing hard...just enough to fix his hurt feelings. "James works at a diner."

"Yeah, he mentioned," Soda muttered, obviously still upset.

"I only saw him eat once the whole time I was there before Johnny came. Even after that…I didn't know where he worked or nothing until after I got sick. I thought he might have a secret fridge in his room."

His brother thawed a little, grinning and glancing up to show he was listening…Soda never could stay mad at him for long.

"He didn't have a TV, but he kept his radio in his room."

"He didn't have TV?" Soda asked, taking the bait, eyes wide.

"Said he didn't want to pay for cable." Pony shrugged.

His brother was quiet for a second, something on his face telling him that he realized what Ponyboy was doing, and he leaned in, hope on his face again. "What did you do all day? Before Johnny got there?"

This was okay, Pony thought. This was safe. Most of New York was safe to talk about. He could give his brother this much. "Uh…I'd walk around the city. Sneak in the movies. I went to the library and read some. Walked around some more." He didn't want to say that he'd been in a daze…that the days had run together and he'd been so scared and he'd missed Soda and Darry so much that he almost hadn't been able to stand it. He also didn't want to tell him that he didn't really remember that much of those first few weeks all that well, so he went on. "When Johnny got there, we'd go to the library together and read in the back, or go to the movies. Same stuff. James brought his radio out of the bedroom when I was sick and he let us listen to it."

Soda nodded, lips pursed as he took all that in, uncharacteristically serious, and the waitress came by with burgers and shakes for both of them. Then Pony went on.

"He got a library card too. Let us borrow books on it so we could read at his place."

"That was good of him." Soda took a bite of his burger, obviously calmer now. Not so upset…so Pony went on.

"After we got a job and had some extra money, me and Johnny went to a diner a couple of times. Looked just about the same as this one. I don't think James worked at that one though. Never did see where he worked." Taking a chance, he decided to give a little more. "We went swimming once. With Marcus and some of his friends. Sue too." He tried not to change his voice when he said her name…he didn't want his brother teasing him about her. Ignoring the way Soda lit up just a bit, he took a bite of his own food, then drank some of the shake. The food was good, and he didn't feel sick, so that was a plus.

"What was she like? Sue?" Soda asked, just like he'd known he would, and Pony reminded himself that teasing was better than being upset. Still, he tried to stay neutral.

"She was nice. I didn't get to talk to her that much since she was working too."

"Her dad said you helped her out once."

That made him look up from his food, blinking in surprise. He hadn't known that Mr. Williams had talked to his brothers about that. "Uh…yeah. When I first got there. Some guy was bugging her and I got him to leave her alone." He shrugged, leaving out the part where she'd kneed the guy between the legs and had pulled him out of that alley. "It wasn't no big deal."

"That's not what her dad said."

He shrugged again. "She was the one that got us a job. We went into her store when we were looking for jobs, and she got her dad to hire us."

"Yeah?"

Pony nodded, unable to help noticing how closely Soda was watching him. "Yeah…and you already know they went to that church."

Soda smirked at that. "Yeah, that's what Marcus said."

Sick of talking about himself and worried he would let something slip he didn't mean to, he took a drink of his shake. "You and Steve doing something today?"

"We ain't got plans."

Ponyboy nodded slowly, sitting back and crossing his arms, grinning a little. "So that's what this is. You just wanted me to entertain you all day."

Soda gave a reluctant smile, shaking his head and kicking him, but not nearly as hard as Dally had. "Not hardly. You're boring anyway."

Pony managed to eat most of his burger, and he even drank his milkshake, feeling surprisingly full at the end of the meal…which felt pretty good. When they were done, Sodapop walked him to the library, and Pony didn't even try to argue with him about it. He hated fighting with Soda more than anything, even worse than fighting with Darry.

He'd thought that his brother would ask him more about New York, but he didn't ask him anything. Not about New York or therapy or how studying was going. He just walked with him, ruffling his hair and jumping out of the way when Pony went to smack him once they'd reached the building.

"Alright, kiddo. I'll see you later. You want me to come by and walk you home?"

"Nah. I'll be fine. I've got a blade," Pony told him, shoving his hands in his pockets, and a flash of surprise passed over his brother's face before he nodded.

"Yeah, okay. Don't study too hard."

Finding a spot at the back of the second floor, Ponyboy curled up in a chair and flipped through his math textbook, going over the formulas he'd need to know and solving as many problems as he could. He hadn't studied this hard in ages…hadn't needed to, but he had to make sure he passed. He couldn't bear the thought of repeating the year…of doing it all over.

Someone dropping into the chair across from him was what finally pulled his attention from the science textbook he was reading, and he jerked his head up, grinning when he found Johnny. His friend was bruise free, smiling at him as he leaned back in the chair. "Hey, man. Soda said you were still studying. Ain't you tired of that yet?"

"Gotta pass," he told him with a shrug, closing the textbook on his lap.

"You're gonna be in the same grade as Two-Bit. He'll probably copy off you all year."

Pony frowned, somehow having forgotten that. "Oh yeah…Two-Bit didn't pass."

"Nah, man. Flunked a few classes and wouldn't retake them. I'm surprised he ain't gonna drop out…but he promised his mom."

Pony nodded. "Yeah…he can copy off me. I don't care. Wonder why he didn't pass."

"Two was having a rough time of it," Johnny confided softly. "Didn't hardly stop drinking until Darry had a talk with him."

"Is that why there's a hole in our wall?" Ponyboy hadn't asked his brothers about it since he'd come home, but he couldn't help being curious. Johnny shook his head though, looking real serious.

"Nah. It just showed up a couple of months after you left and everyone was too scared to ask where it had come from."

Pony had to laugh a little at that. "Scared Darry would put a hole in you?" he joked, but Johnny just nodded, wide-eyed.

"Yeah, man. He about broke Steve's jaw when he made some dumb joke about you not being around to tag along. He didn't mean it," Johnny hurried to amend when Pony flinched a little. "It was stupid. I think he was just trying anything to get Soda to snap out of it. But Soda wouldn't talk to him for days, he was so mad." He hesitated for a second, then leaned in. "Can I ask you something?"

He nodded, hesitant. But Johnny had given up everything just about to come to New York with him, so he guessed he could answer a question. "Sure."

"Are you mad at Soda about something?"

Pony blinked, taken aback. "No. Why?"

"You just…you never really seem to want to be around him anymore."

"Sure I do." He did…right? He'd spent time with his brother…they lived in the same house! He saw him every day! "He came with me to that doctor." That was kind of an exaggeration but Soda had technically come with him. "And we just went to lunch."

Pony had always loved hanging out with his brother. It was part of why Steve got so irritated with him…he was always tagging along with him. He'd followed Darry around too, of course, but Darry had been so much older, and he'd felt almost like a grown up, even when he was only a teenager. Sodapop was close to his age, though, and he'd never had a problem with Ponyboy hanging around as long as they weren't taking girls. His brother had always looked out for him. He was the person he'd always been able to talk to. He was the one that always understood…but for the first time, Pony thought he might have gone through something that Soda couldn't understand.

It hurt just to think about it.

"He's worried about ya, you know?"

"Yeah. I know," Ponyboy muttered.

"He can't help it. Darry neither."

"I just want things to go back to normal, man," he told his friend, shaking his head. "They ain't gotta worry about me. I'm fine."

Johnny didn't argue, even though Pony could tell he wanted to. He was grateful. Instead, they read for a while, and he almost felt like things were back like they were in New York, or even better, back before he'd been taken from his family. Like things were okay. Pony told him about what he'd been studying, and when his friend asked, he even told him that therapy was fine, and that he didn't really mind going.

It was true. Out of everything he had to worry about, he didn't think therapy was half bad.

Chapter Text

Ponyboy sat in the uncomfortable straight-backed chair across from his principal's desk, hands clenched so tightly in his lap that it almost hurt. But he'd take hurt over the lead ball sitting in his stomach, threatening to rise up and choke him. The man across from him was impassive as he looked over the papers in his hand, flipping through them as though he had all the time in the world, which, Ponyboy guessed he did. Pony tried to make his face look normal, like he too had all the time in the world, and not like he thought he might throw up at any second.

That was how he'd felt since he'd gone to bed the night before, skipping dinner and lying to Darry about eating earlier. His brother hadn't looked convinced, but Pony had gone to bed early anyway, lying awake in his nearly silent room until Soda had come in. His brother had whispered his name, putting the back of his hand against Pony's forehead, and he'd muttered and pretended to be pulled out of sleep, swatting him off.

"Pony? You alright?" Soda had asked, climbing into bed beside him. Pony had grunted out a 'yeah' and then had pretended to sleep until Soda had settled beside him, apparently giving up on talking and going to sleep. But Pony hadn't been able to ignore the soft sigh from the other side of the bed, and it had made his heart twist painfully in his chest.

He knew his brothers were worried, even more than usual. Since Saturday, when he'd nearly fought with Soda after therapy, his brother seemed to have backed off a little, but he'd been able to feel Soda's worried gaze on him, and Darry's too. Hell, even the guys had been watching him closer than usual, their eyes following him when he happened to be around them, which wasn't all that often since he spent most of his time out of the house at the library or at the school track. He saw Johnny plenty, but his friend seemed to know he hated being watched all the time, so Pony knew he made an effort not to. He had been studying nonstop for days, even asking Darry for help with some stuff he couldn't figure out, and after seeming to fight with himself, Darry had dropped next to him at the kitchen table, going over it with him until he got it.

If he could just pass these tests, he kept telling himself, then he could go on to the next grade and everything could finally go back to normal. He'd be in school and hopefully track and his brothers would stop worrying and everything would be fine. Maybe he'd even feel okay again! Maybe running track after school would make him feel hungry again, and maybe doing homework and letting himself think about college would crowd out thoughts of Richard and Lianne and a hole in the ground out behind that bar.

Lianne. She was like a stab wound that just wouldn't heal…one he couldn't make himself stop poking.

She'd only been thirteen.

Not now, he told himself desperately as he stared at his hands. Not in front of the principal. Hell…not ever.

That morning, he'd woken before anyone else, getting started on breakfast without really thinking about it. Darry had come into the kitchen next, pausing when he'd seen Pony at the stove, and even though he hadn't turned around, he'd known that his brother had been looking at him with that look he'd been giving him so often lately.

"Morning," he'd said instead of turning, flipping the egg in the skillet, and Darry had sighed softly behind him

"Morning, kiddo. How you feeling?"

"Fine. You want an egg sandwich?"

"Sure. Thanks." There had been a moment of silence, Pony wishing he could figure out the magic words to say to make Darry treat him like normal…actually, he thought as Darry had grabbed some plates from the cabinet, he'd even take the yelling from right before he'd been taken. At least that wouldn't be worry. Then again, people yelling made him freak out now, so maybe that wouldn't be great either. "What time you gotta be at the school?" he'd wondered.

"Nine. I can walk."

"I'll drop you off on my way to work," he'd told him, voice not leaving any room for argument, and so Pony hadn't argued.

The three of them had been quiet over breakfast, and something about that had been worse than the usual questions about how he was feeling. But Soda hadn't said a word apart from a tired 'good morning' and asking Dary to pass the toast. Pony hated the thought that his brother was mad at him…but better mad than worried, he'd told himself as he'd picked at his own food. Darry had kept glancing between the two of them, looking wary, but he hadn't asked any questions. Pony didn't know if he already knew about their almost-fight or if he just didn't know how to ask.

Soda had gathered the dishes, pausing beside Pony for a second. "You ready for these tests?" he'd asked, unusually subdued, and Pony had felt a pang of worry. Was he really acting that different? Why couldn't he just act normal?

"Yeah, I think so."

Soda had nodded, patting him on the back. "Good luck, kiddo." Looking sad, he'd gone back to doing the dishes, and Pony had pulled his shoes on, following Darry out to the truck, not wanting to make him late and not knowing what to say to Soda to fix any of this.

It wasn't far to the school, but it had felt like an even shorter drive than usual, Pony's heart pounding too hard in his chest. This was it, he'd thought as they'd pulled into the parking lot. This was his chance to move forward…to leave the last year behind.

"Hey, Pone?"

He'd looked over at his brother, stomach twisting at his serious tone. "Yeah?"

Darry had been looking straight ahead, seeming torn over something. When he'd spoken, it had been careful, like he was thinking real hard about his words. "I know you don't want to take the whole year over, and I don't blame you." He'd shaken his head, finally turning to look at him and meeting his eyes. "But I promise, even if you do, it's gonna be fine. Alright?"

Pony had nodded, knowing that it wouldn't be. "Yeah. Alright."

His brother had gone on, though. "I mean it. I ain't gonna be mad. No one's gonna be upset with you. I'm proud of you for even trying. Hell, Pony, I'm so proud of you for surviving all that and getting the grades you did." He'd reached out, resting his hand on the back of his neck, and Pony had forced himself to meet his eyes. Darry's smile had been soft, and he'd wondered how he'd ever thought his brother hated him. "I mean it, kiddo. I'm so damn proud of you. Mom and Dad would be too. So no matter what happens, you're gonna be fine."

He'd dropped his eyes, swallowing hard to keep from crying, and had nodded. "Thanks," he'd whispered, the word feeling inadequate, but it had felt impossible to say more.

"I'm gonna be back in a couple of hours to pick you up."

That had made his head snap up again, and he'd frowned at his brother in confusion. "Ain't you gotta work?"

"I told my boss I need most of the day off, so I'm just going in for a couple of hours. I'll pick you up when you're done, okay?"

Pony had started to argue…to insist that his brother could go to work, and that he didn't need to be babysat. But Darry had looked so earnest that something had made him stop. He'd been brushing his brothers off so much, never wanting to go out with Soda and only asking Darry for help as a last resort. He'd decided then that the only way to get his brothers to stop worrying so much was to try and act like himself again. Well…not himself. He didn't even know who that was anymore. But the person he'd been before all this had happened. Not that he remembered exactly who that had been, but he could try. So instead of arguing like he'd wanted to, he had smiled a little despite his surprise that Darry would take off for this. "Yeah…okay. Thanks."

Darry had squeezed his shoulder, seeming relieved that this wasn't going to be an argument. "Good luck. See you in a little while."

"Your social worker spoke to me last week." The principal's voice jerked him out of thoughts of his brother, and he looked up at the man, stomach dropping. "She explained why you missed the last few weeks of school last May."

Pony just nodded. It wasn't like he'd expected any of it to be a secret, but he'd sort of hoped he'd never have to talk about it at school.

"You've always been an exemplary student, Mr. Curtis, much like your oldest brother. And based on your grades on these exams, and what your social worker told me, I believe that you would be fine continuing on to your junior year." He paused, and Ponyboy was unable to help from sitting up straight, eyes wide.

"So…I passed?" he asked, hesitant. It wasn't that the tests had been all that hard, but his hands had shaken the whole time he'd been taking them so it was a wonder they were even able to read his writing.

"You did," his principal told him, nodding. "But I'd like to know what you want to do. If you'd feel more comfortable taking your sophomore year over again, your brother has already informed me that that would be acceptable too. Either way, the choice is entirely up to you."

"I don't want to repeat the year," Ponyboy told him, trying not to let the desperation leak into his voice.

The older man looked at him for a moment, his expression somewhat sad, before nodding and giving Ponyboy an almost smile. "Alright. Congratulations, Mr. Curtis. You'll be advancing to the next grade. Report to Mrs. Simmons for homeroom." He held out a piece of paper that Pony took, letting him know which room to go to, and what classes he'd be taking. He'd get a real class schedule on the first day, but still, he stared at the piece of paper, feeling almost giddy, his grin uncontainable.

"Thank you, sir."

"Of course."

Ponyboy shoved the folded paper in his pocket, fingers brushing against his blade for a minute as he made his way out the front doors. It was almost a comfort, something he'd never expected to feel when holding a pocket knife. Before, he'd always been afraid that pulling out a weapon would make a fight worse. Now, he was just grateful to have a way to defend himself, even if he was just in the school parking lot…and even if that meant having to hurt someone.

He glanced around, ready to sit down on the steps and wait for his brother, when he spotted the familiar truck parked near the school. He hurried over, opening the door and feeling almost shy when his brother jerked his head toward him. "You been waiting a long time?" he wondered, pulling himself up into the truck.

"Nah, just a few minutes," Darry told him, watching him intently.

"How was work? Your boss mad that you took off most of the day?"

"It was fine. He ain't mad." His brother was looking so serious and impatient that he had to grin.

"I passed."

The tension melted from Darry's shoulders then, and he laughed aloud and grabbed Pony and yanking him into a hug that he returned, laughing as he squeezed his brother back. Darry put a hand on the back of his head, patting him on the back, and it reminded him so much of something their dad would do it hurt a little.

"I'm so proud of you, kiddo," he murmured into his hair, giving him a last tight squeeze, and Ponyboy tried to swallow down the tears that sprang to his eyes.

"It wasn't no big deal," Pony told him, trying to brush it off, but his brother just shook his head.

"Sure it was. No one would have blamed you if you'd had to repeat the year after everything that happened."

Pony didn't answer, not wanting to talk about what 'everything' entailed, and his brother softened, squeezing his shoulder.

"Come on. Let's go tell Soda. Then we're gonna celebrate."

"Celebrate?" Ponyboy asked, interested despite himself.

"Sure. You're going to be a junior in high school! Besides, we never got to celebrate your birthday."

"Or yours," Pony reminded him, smiling a little. "Or Soda's." Or Christmas, he thought, but didn't say. That had been real rough, and he didn't want to think about it.

"Exactly," Darry told him, patting his shoulder before pulling out of the school parking lot.

Pony wanted to ask what exactly 'celebrate' entailed, even though it didn't matter. He felt like a weight had been lifted off him…he'd passed! He'd done it! He didn't have to do any of it over! He couldn't help his grin, and when he looked over at his brother, he was smiling too, looking more relaxed than he had in days. Pony guessed his brother really had worried about him passing those tests despite what he'd said.

When they pulled into the driveway, Soda was smoking on the porch, a sight odd enough to surprise Ponyboy. His brother almost never smoked, and judging from the butts at his feet, he'd been at it for a bit. They climbed out of the truck, and he shoved his hands in his pockets again, grinning up at Soda.

He didn't even have to say anything. His brother lit up, like he'd gone from black and white to color, throwing the cigarette away and whooping as he leapt off the porch. Pony laughed, grabbing onto his brother when he picked him up and spun him around, still hollering.

"You passed?" Soda confirmed, pulling away just a little, and Pony nodded.

"Yeah."

Soda pulled him in again, and Pony squeezed him tight, feeling almost normal again…like they could just be celebrating anything. "Glory, I'm proud of you, kid," he whispered, and Pony had to blink hard to keep from crying.

"Thanks," he whispered, still grinning when Soda pulled away and staring at him for a minute, like he was looking for something. Pony was about to ask what was the matter when Darry stepped in, a hand on each of their shoulders.

"You two hungry?"

"Yeah, if you're buying," Soda told him instantly, laughing and ducking away when Darry went to swat him in the back of the head.

"Smartass. Go get changed. Both of you. Put on something presentable." He pushed them both towards the door and Soda leaned in towards Ponyboy.

"I think he's embarrassed of us."

"I am!" Darry called, following a few feet behind, and they both laughed, hurrying up the steps and to their room to find some decent clothes, the mood lighter than it had been in weeks.

They both managed to find something halfway nice to wear, although Sodapop came out with a tie tied over his button up shirt , making Pony laugh. Darry rolled his eyes, unable to help from grinning. "Take it off or I'm gonna strangle you with it, Pepsi Cola," he warned, reaching out and grabbing for it, and Soda barely managed to get away. Ponyboy couldn't remember the last time both his brothers looked so happy, and he promised himself he'd do his best to keep it this way…to keep them from wasting all their time worrying about him.

All he had to do was act normal.

Once they were ready, they piled into the truck, Soda in the middle, and Pony crammed against the window as his brother continued to grin and speculate about where they could be going. Darry just rolled his eyes and shook his head, chuckling to himself while Soda talked a mile a minute. Finally, giving up on guessing when Darry wouldn't tell him anything, he turned to Pony instead and asked him about the tests and if they'd been real hard and if he was excited about next year. Pony made himself answer his questions, pushing him away and laughing when his brother got too excited and started to shake him.

"You're going to be a junior in high school! Only two more years and you're free! Geez, Pony, you've almost made it farther than I did!"

"He ain't gonna make it any further if you make me run this truck into a tree. Will you stop," Darry griped, elbowing their brother, but Pony could hear the smile in his voice.

Soda sat still, but he turned back to Pony with that ever-present grin. "Two more years, Pone!" he said in a stage whisper as if Darry couldn't hear. "You're gonna be in the same grade as Two-Bit…I knew you'd catch up to him."

Pony laughed. "Yeah, Johnny said he flunked a couple of classes. Surely he ought to know all that stuff by now. Did he just not go to class?"

A shadow passed over his brother's face, but he kept the smile. "It don't matter. Now he's got you to keep him on track."

When they finally pulled into the parking lot of a really nice steakhouse, Ponyboy couldn't help being surprised. "I passed a test, Darry, I didn't graduate from college or nothin'," he joked, then climbed out of the truck when Soda kept pushing him. "Alright, I'm going," he griped, swatting at Soda who jumped out behind him, still smiling.

"Not yet," Soda told him, grabbing his shoulder and squeezing him sideways into a hug. "When you graduate college we're going somewhere even nicer. But this ain't just for you passing. It's your birthday too. And Darry's and mine." His brother softened. "We didn't get to celebrate together last year, so we wanted to do something before you started school."

Pony had thought his brother had been joking…he hadn't thought they'd go somewhere this nice! "You didn't have to…"

"Who said this is all for you? Maybe we just want steak," Soda joked, pushing him away and grinning as he made his way toward the restaurant. Darry came up behind him, wrapping an arm around him and leading him forward, a paper bag in his hand that Ponyboy hadn't seen before, and he craned his head to try and get a look inside. Darry caught him by the back of his shirt so casually he had to grin.

"What's that?" The feeling of lightness between them made his chest ache in the best way possible, and he tried not to think of their birthdays…of drawing those pictures for them and wondering if he'd ever see them again.

"Don't worry about it," he answered lightly, making Pony laugh as the two of them followed Sodapop up the front stairs of the restaurant. They'd come here with their parents once for their Dad's birthday years ago, and again when Darry had graduated from high school, but they almost never went to places this nice.

Once inside, they were led to a table in the corner, which was nice because most of the people there were dressed better than they were, and Pony felt a little self conscious, but there weren't that many people there and no one really paid any attention to them. He sat beside Soda and across from Darry, the three of them ordering drinks, and Pony even ordered a steak, albeit the smallest one, since he didn't want his brothers to think anything was wrong. Not that it was, he told himself firmly. Nothing was wrong. He was out with his family and they were apparently celebrating him passing some tests and their birthdays and that was good.

He didn't need to think about why they hadn't been able to celebrate together the year before, or how the night after he drew first Soda's birthday card, he'd curled up in a ball in that boy's home, sobbing as quiet as he could, or that when he'd drawn Darry's, he'd been living with the asshole, and he'd wondered if he'd even survive to see his oldest brother again…to apologize for everything.

He'd wondered if they would return his things to his family after Richard finally killed him…if someone would find those cards under his mattress and give them to his brothers, proof that he'd been thinking of them...that he hadn't given up on seeing them again. That he'd died wanting his family.

Looking up at Darry, laughing at something Soda must have said, he suddenly wanted to apologize again. All of this…it was all his fault. Fighting with him all the time and staying out late and then running off…why had he done it? Why couldn't he see that his brother loved him, and that when someone hated you…well, it looked different. A lot different.

He took a drink of his water, willing himself back to the present, glad his brothers hadn't seemed to notice how his mind had wandered back to that house for a minute. Things were fine. He'd passed his tests. He could move on. And that meant trying to be normal around his family again. Well…around everyone, but he'd start with Darry and Soda. So when their meals came out, he made himself eat most of his food, and he laughed at Soda's stories and answered his questions and tried to stay at least somewhat present. He'd always had trouble with that, and Darry said he had his head in the clouds too much, but now Ponyboy actively fought it. He didn't want to think…didn't want to remember. He just wanted to have a good time with his family.

Once they'd all eaten their fill, Darry reached down and grabbed the bag he'd brought in, passing it to Ponyboy who stared at it for a minute in confusion, then looked up at his brothers, laughing a little. "What is this?"

"Happy birthday!" Soda told him a little too loudly for the room they were in, grining, and Pony lifted an eyebrow.

"My birthday's in December in case you forgot."

"Of course we didn't forget." Soda's smile was strained then, and Ponyboy cursed himself for bringing that up.

"I didn't get you guys nothing."

"Yeah you did," Darry reminded him. "They're still on the fridge, remember?"

Pony wanted to argue…to tell him that those hadn't been real presents. That they shouldn't count. That nothing from that year should count for anything. Instead, he opened the bag, then blinked in surprise. Inside was a shoebox, and when he pulled it out and opened it, he found a pair of running shoes…good ones, and he swallowed hard, trying not to think about his last birthday, or Darry's or Soda's, or Christmas…or any of it. He didn't want to remember. But he couldn't help it. And it felt like those memories might just break him.

Darry reached out, gripping his wrist. He didn't say nothing…didn't try to make him feel better. Instead, he just sat there, the three of them existing in silence until Ponyboy swallowed again and shut the box. "Thank you." He tried to make his voice sound normal, like he wasn't about to start crying over something as dumb as a birthday present. "I'll need 'em for track."

"You been training?" Soda asked, and he nodded. He'd been going to the high school track and running some after going to the library, but he'd need to spend more time running and probably eat more if he was going to get in shape by the time the season started. At least it would give him something to focus on.

"Yeah, need to do more though."

"Just don't push too hard, alright?" Darry warned, and Pony nodded, not about to argue. Before, his brother telling him what to do would have gotten on his nerves. Now, all he could think about was Richard, and the way he'd worn his hatred right out in the open for everyone to see. Darry didn't hate him...Darry had never hated him. He was looking out for him.

Why had it taken living with Richard for Pony to learn the difference?

"Sure. I'll be careful." He put the shoes back in the bag and took a drink of his water, needing something to do. He figured Darry would go ahead and pay, but when he glanced up at his brothers, they were looking at each other, seeming to have some kind of conversation without talking. He looked back down, putting the bag beside his chair on the ground. He'd thought he'd been acting normal...he figured he just needed to do a better job at it.

Sodapop's voice pulled him out of his thoughts, and he glanced up, trying to pay attention...trying to forget about Richard and the things he's done. "Hey, Steve's got a date with Evie tonight. You wanna come to the races with me? We ain't gonna be out too late."

And, since he'd told himself that he'd go the next time someone invited him somewhere, he nodded, knowing it was worth it when his brother lit up. "Sure. Sounds fun."

Chapter Text

Darry Curtis sat in his recliner and stared at the book he'd started an hour ago, unable to focus for the life of him. He wasn't even that tired…it wasn't like he'd gone to work, despite what he'd told his brother. He had to smile a little…did Ponyboy really think his boss would let him come in for two and a half hours? Honestly, he figured the kid had a lot on his mind and hadn't given it a lot of thought. He'd decided days ago to just go ahead and take the day off, but had figured Pony would fight him on it, so he'd exaggerated a little.

It wasn't work making him tired these days. It was his brothers. Not that it was either of their fault, and he sure didn't blame them. Ponyboy was trying so hard not to cause them any trouble that it was heartbreaking to watch, and Soda trying so hard to get through to him was almost worse. They both knew Pony was desperate to pass those tests, and Darry had wanted to go down to the school and throw things…to grab the principal by his shoulders and shake him. Why couldn't he just let him go to the next grade? He'd tried so damn hard in that hellhole they'd put him in, and now they were making him jump through hoops. He didn't care that Pony hadn't taken his last tests…what the hell did that matter compared to what he'd been through? If anyone deserved some kind of exception, it was his little brother.

Soda had come to him a couple of days ago when Pony had been out…probably at the library. Darry had tried not to quiz him every time he got home…had tried to give him some space to make things feel normal, even though every time he saw that scar on his brother's face, or the long sleeves he kept pulled down to his wrists, Darry wanted to go hunt down Richard and kill him. But no matter what he wanted, he had to try and make things seem normal. Or at least as close to normal as they could get right now. He'd been in the kitchen, making dinner that Ponyboy would pick at if he ate at all, when Sodapop had come home. Surprisingly, Steve hadn't been with him, and when he'd asked where their buddy was, Soda had told him he had a date.

"How you doing, Soda?" he'd asked, remembering Sandy and wishing he was better at all this. For both his brothers.

"I'm fine. Pony home?"

"Not yet."

"He still at the library?"

"Probably."

"Darry…"

He'd glanced at his brother then, wishing he could do something about the raw fear on his face…wishing he could do something for their youngest brother, who had turned into a different person but who was trying so damn hard to seem okay.

"What if he don't pass those tests?"

It was the same question that had been haunting him since Pony had found out he needed to take those tests…since James and Marcus had headed home and Pony had devoted just about every spare second to studying. What if, despite all his work, he didn't pass? Darry hadn't wanted to tell Soda the truth…that he worried not passing would be the thing that broke Pony, and he didn't know how they could put him back together. It wasn't like Ponyboy ever came to them for help anymore.

Everyone noticed, although no one said anything. Pony had always talked to Soda…had always tagged along and had confided in him about just about everything. After they'd taken him, Soda had told Darry that Pony had thought he didn't want him around…that he'd wanted to put him in a boy's home. And Darry had known that they fought too much, but he'd never suspected Pony thought something like that. Now Pony didn't talk to anyone except maybe Johnny. Johnny had been with him in New York, though, so it sort of made sense he'd be more comfortable with him. Plus he saw that therapist, Doctor Song, and Darry was surprised he hadn't complained about it more after fighting with Soda when he'd wanted to talk to him about it.

"Darry?"

Soda had sounded so lost that he'd turned, leaving the food on the stove and grabbing his shoulder. "We'll get him through it...even if he don't pass. He can redo the year if he has to." The words had sounded hollow, even to him. How were they going to get him through that? They couldn't seem to get him through anything.

He had been doing everything he could…telling Pony over and over that it was okay if he didn't pass. That he didn't need to worry about Darry being mad at him no matter what happened. That everything would be okay. Because he wasn't going to let things get back to how they'd been before…not ever. His brother wasn't ever going to think that Darry didn't want him around. He'd seen in his eyes that Pony didn't believe him, but he'd kept saying it anyway. When Pony had finally asked him for help with math, he'd forced himself not to say it again…that Pony didn't have to worry. That it was okay. That no one blamed him for not taking those tests in the first place. That he should stop pushing himself so hard. Instead, he'd just sat down with him, pretending everything was normal and helping his kid brother with his homework like he'd been doing for as long as he could remember.

But it wasn't the same anymore. Pony wasn't the same anymore. He jumped at just about everything, even though he tried to hide it. He'd told Darry that it was because Richard had come home that way when he was drunk…loud and slamming doors…he'd told him he couldn't help it, like it was something he was ashamed of, and Darry had wanted to kill someone for doing this to his baby brother. He was quieter too, which Darry hadn't thought was possible. And he always carried a blade now. Didn't even have to be reminded. That one seemed the worst somehow, even though Darry had always been on him about it before. But Pony wasn't supposed to be like them. He never had been. He had been the quiet one. Dreamy and soft spoken with his head in the clouds. The nice kid who dug poetry and sunsets and who was so smart…he was still smart, Darry reminded himself sharply. Still so smart.

And so damn scared, he carried a knife everywhere he went…and Dary didn't doubt for one second he'd use it.

A couple of nights before, he'd woken to a door shutting, and he'd gotten up, planning on checking on Pony. Instead of his brother, he'd found Steve in the living room, sitting on the sofa, hands clasped in his lap, looking oddly solemn.

"Everything alright?" Darry had asked, rubbing his bleary eyes and looking around for Pony. After a year apart, it was what he found himself doing every time he entered a room…looking for Pony. Making sure he was okay. He hadn't been there for him before. He'd let himself worry so much he'd found himself frustrated with the kid more often than not, always getting on him. Now he just wanted to take it all back. To grab his former self and shake him… to warn him that he was going to lose his brother if he didn't stop being such an idiot.

"Sorry…didn't mean to wake you," Steve had told him. Then, after a pause, he'd looked up. "There's something wrong with the kid."

Darry had just frowned, stepping into their living room and crossing his arms.

"He was out on the porch, shaking like a leaf. Said he keeps having nightmares."

Darry had known about those, but only thanks to Sodapop. He'd known that Pony didn't wake up screaming very often anymore, but that he still had them. Soda had told him that he'd smother himself in a pillow rather than yell, even in his sleep. Darry remembered what Mark and Tyler, Pony's foster brothers had said…that Richard would beat on him when he yelled in his sleep.

So yeah, he knew about the nightmares.

He also knew that his brother almost never ate full meals anymore, and that he was still underweight, his face so thin and sharp that sometimes he looked like a different person. That he'd catch a glimpse of the kid out of the corner of his eye, blond and tall and too-thin, that scar making him look mean, and he'd start, like a stranger was in their house. He knew that Pony was holding so much inside that one day, Darry was afraid he was just going to explode. But he also knew what that therapist had said when he'd first met her.

It had been the evening after Ponyboy's first appointment with her. Darry had figured with James and Marcus there to distract him, he could get away with stepping out for a while. So, telling them he was off to get groceries and waving away Soda's offer to help, he'd driven down to that therapist's office, going right into the waiting room and asking the receptionist if he could speak to her. Thankfully, she'd been between appointments, and after a moment's hesitation, she'd invited him into her office.

"I'm Darrel Curtis, Ponyboy's older brother."

She'd nodded then, shaking his hand. "It's nice to meet you, Darrel. I'm Doctor Marissa Song. What can I do for you today?"

"I just…I need to talk to you about Pony."

She'd hesitated, looking him over. "You are aware of doctor/patient confidentiality, right? I can't tell you anything about what your brother has discussed with me."

"I know." The social worker had told him all about that, and he guessed he could respect that, even if it was involving his little brother. "That's not what I mean."

She'd gestured for him to take a seat, and he had, watching as she did the same in a chair across from him. "Alright. I have about fifteen minutes before my next patient arrives. What did you need to talk about?"

"I just…" He'd bitten his lip, shaking his head and trying to make the words come out right, wishing he'd rehearsed this. "I know he's having a real rough time after everything. I don't blame him…it was awful, and I don't think he's even told me all of it. And I …I need to know how to help him. I don't really know what to do to fix any of this and…" he'd trailed off, hoping she could make some kind of sense of that.

"I can tell you love your brother very much," she'd told him after a moment, surprising him. Of course he loved his brother. His brothers meant everything to him…they were the only family he had left! "And I get the feeling that you're a problem solver. You like to fix things. Am I right?" She'd been smiling, just a little, and he'd nodded.

"Yeah. I just want him to be okay. But he doesn't want to talk about any of it and our brother's about going out of his mind trying to get him to…I think it would help if he'd talk to us."

"I agree. It almost certainly would help." She'd paused. "But…and I'm sorry, because I know you won't want to hear this, he isn't going to talk about this until he's ready. People in these situations have had every ounce of control taken away from them, and trying to force them to talk almost always has the opposite effect."

"Then what can I do?" he'd asked, practically begging.

"The best thing you can do for your brother right now is be there for him. Let him know that you're on his side, and that he's safe with you. Listen to him without judgment if he does talk. But know that pushing him will probably only make him withdraw more."

So Darry had kept that in mind, reminding himself every time he'd been tempted to just order Ponyboy to talk to him that it wasn't going to work. That it would only make it worse. Instead, he'd tried to do what she'd said…to be there. And he'd told Soda too, pulling him aside once when Pony was out with his friends from New York, Dally and Johnny tagging along. He'd told him about going to see that doctor and what she'd said, and he knew that Soda was trying…he was doing his best to give their brother space and to keep from pushing.

But Darry also knew it was killing him to have Ponyboy shut him out after being gone for so long.

When he'd sat in that parking lot for more than two hours, waiting for Ponyboy to come out, he'd been preparing himself. If he was upset, or if he was angry, Darry had told himself that he'd sit and he'd listen. He'd comfort him or let him yell or cry…whatever he needed. And he would be there for his brother as best he could.

Then he would go into that school and start throwing things because how the hell could they do this to him after he'd already been through so much?

But when Ponyboy had climbed into the truck, asking him about work with that little gleam in his eye, it had been almost like old times, and as he'd pulled him into a hug, Darry had felt his brother deflate like a weight had been lifted off of him. And then, after that lunch with just the three of them, it had felt almost like old times. They'd cleaned the house some, figuring the people from the state could be coming at any time, and then, around eight, Soda and Pony had headed out, just the two of them. And things had been almost normal.

Except they weren't, Darry knew. He could tell Pony was trying his best to act like nothing was wrong, but Darry had seen the way he'd sit there, mind wandering, jaw going tight like he was scared. He'd seen how his breath would catch, and how he'd jerk back to the present, always looking around for a second, and Darry didn't know if it was because he was scared someone would notice, or scared someone would hurt him. Either way, Darry tried not to act like he noticed…tried not to say anything.

Don't push him. Let him come to you when he's ready. Just be there. Those were the things he'd told Soda…the things he kept telling himself. But part of him was scared Pony would never be ready…that he'd keep all this pushed down until he blew up and couldn't take it anymore. He didn't know what that would look like, but it scared him to death to even think about it.

When Pony and Soda came home around eleven, they were followed by Dal who dropped onto the sofa, grunting out a 'hey' and draping an arm over his face, but not before Darry caught sight of the dried blood on his cheek.

"He got into it with Tim," Pony told him, voice low as he passed just far enough away that Dal couldn't swat at him, Soda closing the screen door softly behind them and heading for their room.

"Tim was there?" Darry asked, trying to be discreet about looking Ponyboy over. He looked the same…no new bruises or anything. So apparently he hadn't been in this fight. He swore if Dallas got Pony involved in some kind of mess with Tim Shephard, he'd skin Dal and Tim both.

"Yeah. Said Dally cheated him or something."

"I won that money fair!" Dallas snapped, but he didn't move his arm.

Pony snorted, soft enough that Dallas might not have heard, walking off towards the bathroom, and Darry had to grin as Soda emerged from their room and went into the kitchen. Darry heard the back door slam shut and wondered if Soda was out smoking. He'd been anxious lately, smoking more than usual, and even though Darry hated to see it, he didn't get on him.

He'd never even really got on Pony about it…although that wasn't an issue anymore. An image of Pony's arms came to mind and he shuddered.

"Why do you always have to antagonize Tim?"

Dally just rolled his eyes and lifted his middle finger, not looking up when Ponyboy came back into the room with a damp rag he dropped onto Dally's face.

And that's when all traces of normalcy vanished.

Dallas swore, grabbing the wet rag and jumping up so fast Pony took a step back, breath catching. Dal's fists were clenched and Pony's whole face seemed to drain of color as he turned his head and put his hands up. Not to fight…

To protect his face.

Darry's book was on the floor before he knew it, his whole body poised to jump up, when their friend froze, taking Ponyboy in for a moment.

"Sorry," Pony choked out, backing away another step and blinking too many times, hands still half raised. "I didn't mean to…your face…"

If Darry wasn't wrong, there was remorse on his buddy's face, and just that made him relax back into his chair. No way in hell he'd let Dallas hurt his brother, but he knew he didn't have to worry, so he just picked the book up, trying to be discreet about it.

"Yeah…thanks, kid," Dal said simply, holding the wet rag to his bloody cheek as he sat back down, and Pony nodded, turning and disappearing into his room as Soda emerged from the kitchen, a bottle of Pepsi in hand.

He froze when he watched their door shut, eyes going from it to Darry to Dallas. "What's going on?" he asked, holding the bottle by the neck. "Is he okay?"

Darry rubbed a hand over his face, not knowing how to answer that. Dallas sighed, standing with the rag still pressed to his face, and without a word, ambled toward Pony's bedroom. He knocked once on the door, but didn't wait for an invitation. "I'm coming in, kid," was all he said before entering, and Soda watched him, baffled.

"Darry?"

"He's alright. Dal was just…being Dal." It was the only explanation he had, and he wondered if he should have gotten up…should have put an arm around Ponyboy and told Dal to back the fuck off. But that wasn't normal…that wasn't how he'd have acted before. Granted, Ponyboy hadn't been this skittish before. But still…he was trying to be normal. Trying to walk the line between protecting him and giving him space, but glory it was so damn hard. Almost impossible. And he was pretty sure he was messing it up.

Dally came out a few minutes later, lifting his eyebrows when both Darry and Soda stared at him, but didn't offer an explanation as he dropped back onto the sofa, pressing the rag to his face. After a long moment of silence, Dallas glanced at them. "He's fine. Will you two calm down?"

Darry reached out, grabbing Soda's arm before he could lunge for their friend.

"No we can't calm down," he hissed, trying to yank his arm away, but Darry held fast. "He was finally acting normal and you had to go and…"

"He wasn't acting normal," Dal snapped, sitting straight up and clutching the wash rag in his fist, dripping water onto the sofa. "Kid jumps out of his skin if you shut a door too hard near him, and he looks like a stiff wind might knock him over. That ain't normal!"

"You think I don't know that?" Soda managed to yank his arm away then, fists clenched, and Dallas stood too, the two of them face to face. Darry jumped to his feet, grabbing both of their shoulders and wondering why Dallas seemed to be trying to piss everyone off in one day.

And then he got it, looking into their friend's eyes. Dally was angry. Angry at the people that had done this to the kid he'd always tried to protect in his own way. Angry that Pony had gone through all that shit…that he had burns on his arms and couldn't hardly look none of them in the eye anymore. But he couldn't go after the man who'd done it…Dally's first instinct had always been revenge to protect the people he cared about, but that wasn't possible now. So the nearest person would have to do.

Glory, Darry thought with a sigh, maybe he ought to try being a therapist with the way he was analyzing people these days.

"That's enough," he told them, fighting to keep his voice down. "You two gonna go at it in the living room? How you think Pony's going to feel about that."

Soda's shoulder shook under his hand, and he knew his brother was on the verge of doing something reckless. He was always on edge these days, and someone hurting Pony was the surest way to set him off. Dally didn't have anything against Sodapop, Darry knew, but he also knew that if his brother hit him, Dally would hit back. It was how he always dealt with things.

"What the hell are you even fighting about, huh? Pony's fine."

"He ain't fine!" Soda whispered, voice breaking as he turned to Darry, and he felt a wave of relief when Dally relaxed a fraction. "Shit, Dar…Dally's right. He's not acting normal."

"He's acting, all right," Dal put in, sitting back down but keeping a wary eye on Soda. "That's all the kid does nowadays."

"He's doing the best he can," Darry told him, patting Soda's shoulder. "Just…" he looked at Dallas, jaw tight. "Look out for him? That's all we can do." It wasn't exactly what he meant, but Dally got it anyway, nodding and acting nonchalant like none of it mattered.

"Yeah, man. You know we all will."

And he did. It's why Darry had never minded Pony hanging out with him. Because after all the shit he'd been through, Dallas Winston didn't care about much. As far as Darry could tell, he only really loved two people in this world. Johnny Cade and Ponyboy. He'd do anything to make sure those kids were okay, including lying to everyone about getting Ponyboy out of town, even letting them all get pissed at him and letting them think Pony was dead before putting him in danger of someone finding him.

He also knew that Dally would be more careful. Lord knew it didn't come natural to him, but he'd do it, because Darry would put money on the fact that Dally never wanted to see Pony look at him like that again…like he'd probably looked at Richard.

Soda went to bed pretty soon after that, probably wanting to try and talk to Pony, and Darry let him go, not about to argue. He knew how upset Soda had been when they'd taken Pony…had heard him crying at night over it. And even though Ponyboy was different now, Soda still wanted him close. Still needed him close.

"Was he okay tonight?" Darry asked once both his brothers were in bed, sitting back in his recliner.

"Quiet. Kept close to Soda. Me too when I got there." Dally hesitated. "He was gonna fight Tim."

Darry felt himself go pale and he leaned forward, sure he'd misheard "He was gonna what?"

Dallas just nodded. "Tim got me good. Twice. Had me down on the ground. Then I looked over and saw Pony…he was coming over, this look on his face...mad like I ain't never seen him. Soda was watching the race and talking to some girl, but Pony…I don't even know how to describe it, man. I gave Tim his money back…hell, I threw it at him, and I grabbed the kid before he could do something stupid."

"What the hell would he do something like that for?" Pony had always, for as long as they'd known Tim Shephard, been wary of him. Sure, he palled around with Curly, but he was always quiet around Tim. And Darry didn't blame him. So what the hell would make him do something like even act like he'd fight Tim? Because he'd hit Dal? Dally and Tim got into it all the time, fighting over money usually, or Dally doing something stupid. But never anything too serious. And it wasn't like Tim would kill him or nothing. Those two reminded Darry of two feral dogs, getting along one minute and at each other's throats the next, and when they were like that, it was best to stay out of their way.

Why would Pony try to step in?

"When I grabbed him it was like he just…snapped out of it or something. Looked at me like he didn't know who I was for a second." His friend shook his head. "I don't know, man. He asked if I was okay and I told him I'd kill him myself if he ever got into it with Tim. But we went back over to Soda and he seemed…well, what passes for fine these days. Soda didn't even notice. It didn't take more than a minute."

The image stayed with him long after he'd laid down to go to bed. Ponyboy seeing Dallas fighting with Tim. Ponyboy leaving Sodapop's side…ready to fight Tim Shephard. Why? What the hell made the kid think he needed to stand up for Dallas Winston, who was more than capable of fighting just fine on his own? Especially when he couldn't even hardly look his own brothers in the eye anymore. Drifting off to sleep, he tried to put it together, but none of it fit.

It was kind of late when something woke him a few hours later…a door. Their door was always opening and closing as their friends came and went, even in the middle of the night, but since Pony had come back to them, it seemed to wake him up every time. Grumbling under his breath, Darry sat up, wondering if there would ever be a time when he got to sleep through the night, then immediately regretted it. He wouldn't trade having Ponyboy back for nothing, not even a full night's sleep. Hell, not for a lifetime of full night's sleep.

Moving into the living room, he hesitated when he saw someone laying on the couch, and it took him a second to recognize the long blonde hair. The girl jumped a little when a floorboard creaked under his feet and he held up his hands, stepping back a little. "Sorry, Rita. I thought Pony was up."

She smiled in the dim light, yawning and sitting up a little. "Hey Darry. I hope you don't mind me crashing on your couch again."

He grinned at her, shaking his head. "You're always welcome to stay over." He meant it. Pony had done everything he could to protect her, and he'd suffered plenty for it. Now the rest of them would take over. "Anytime you want. Everything alright at Two-Bit's place?"

"Yeah…" she hesitated. "Him and his girlfriend were having some kind of argument in his room when I got there...didn't want to interrupt. I didn't think it would help, her finding another girl at his place. So it was this or walk all the way to Buck's and sleep on Dally's floor." She jerked her head toward the back door. "Ponyboy's out on the porch. He woke up when I came in."

He nodded. "Thanks. You should some sleep."

She dropped back onto her pillow, a real one, and Darry realized Pony must have gotten her a pillow and blanket from the closet. He couldn't help smiling a little. Sure, Pony was different now, but he was still such a good kid. The kind that would help a strange girl he'd just met on the street. The kind that would stop his abusive foster father from hurting the older girl in the room next door, even if it made him into a target.

The kind that would fight Tim Shephard if he thought his friend needed help.

Darry headed for the porch, finding his little brother leaning on the railing, hands shaking as he clutched them together. He let the door shut behind him, stepping out into the cool evening and watching his brother flinch a little at the noise. Not sure what to say, he just wrapped an arm around him, squeezing him tight and remembering all the days he couldn't…all the mornings he'd jerked awake, jumping out of bed to check on his brother before remembering that he was gone.

Darry had half expected Pony to pull away like he tended to lately, acting like everything was fine, or even to get irritated, but instead he turned, resting his head on Darry's shoulder, shoulders relaxing as he leaned on him.

"You know I ain't gonna let anyone hurt you," he murmured, speaking before he could really think about it.

And part of him waited for Ponyboy to call him a liar. To tell him that Darry hadn't protected him. And there wasn't anything he could say to argue that. He hadn't protected his brother. He'd fought with him and he'd hit him and then he'd let those people take him, and he'd been too damn scared to find him..too afraid they'd never let him come home if he did that. And while he'd been waiting for someone to give his brother back, Ponyboy had been put with that asshole.

But Pony just nodded, gripping his shirt like it would keep him from pulling away, taking a shuddering breath that made Darry's chest ache.

"I'm not going anywhere," he told him softly, rubbing his back and wondering, not for the first time, why Pony was turning to him and not Soda. Because Darry was closest? He hadn't seemed mad at Soda earlier, and he'd gone to the race with him, but something was going on there, and Darry didn't know how to ask about it. Or if he even should. "You alright?"

Ponyboy nodded again, and Darry was at a loss as to what to say, so he just held him for a while, the two of them staring out into the darkness of their backyard. Finally, though, Pony broke the silence, voice barely over a whisper.

"Hey, Darry?"

"Yeah, kiddo?"

"Can I ask you something?"

Darry didn't let himself hesitate, just nodded and braced himself for whatever it might be. Whatever it was, he could take it. After everything his brother had been through, he could answer a question. "Of course."

There was a long moment of silence, then Pony pulled back enough to look up at him. There was a hint of a smile on his face, but it looked wrong. Tired. Resigned. And Darry knew that whatever he was about to ask, it wasn't what he really wanted to know.

But he would keep waiting. Keep being there. Keep listening. It wasn't never going to be like before.

"Why's there a hole in our wall?"

Darry had to smile, letting out a breath and wondering why it had taken so long for him to ask…then again, his brother seemed to be in something of a daze nowadays. He'd barely seemed to notice anything when he'd first come home, and those weeks between coming home and their court date had been awful rough for him, especially with the nightmares.

"I asked Johnny, and he said everyone was too scared to ask after you about killed Steve."

He rolled his eyes then, huffing out a laugh. "I did not," he told him with a grin, cuffing him in the back of the head and feeling relief when Pony just laughed.

"Johnny said you just about broke his jaw."

"He said something stupid," Darry told him, flinching when he remembered how Soda's face had gone pale at the joke, and how he'd spun around, swinging his fist before he'd even realized what he was doing.

Steve had stumbled back, eyes wide, a hand on his face, and the whole room had gone silent, the gang watching with wide eyes and open mouths as Darry had grabbed him by the shirt, stopping just before slamming him into a wall. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" he'd asked, voice hoarse from the pain of it all. His brother was in a boy's home…the worst thing that could ever happen had happened, and Pony was all alone somewhere Darry couldn't get to him, and fucking Steve Randal was making jokes.

Steve had shaken his head, blood flowing from his busted lip.

"You ever say shit like that again…" he'd trailed off, shaking his head, unable to think of a threat good enough. And Seve had nodded, a hand covering his mouth, slinking off while Soda had refused to meet his eyes. The others had looked away from him too, Dal and Two-Bit obviously pissed, Johnny horrified.

"Soda told me they were putting you in a foster home," Darry confided, speaking softly as if that would make it not true. Reaching out, he gripped Pony's shoulder, needing him close. "They wouldn't even let us call. They didn't tell us officially that they'd moved you until a week later. But when Soda told me you'd called…" He shook his head. "That's why we've got a hole in the wall."

Pony nodded, dropping his eyes, and Darry pulled him close again, not wanting to remember how it had felt to lose him. To hold him one last time before those people had taken him away…before he could make any of it right. When his brother spoke a few moments later, his voice was weak, but he was trying.

He was trying so damn hard.

"Don't you think you ought to fix it?"

Darry laughed, the sound strained, but he was trying too. "Yeah, I guess I should."

Chapter Text

"Maggie, customer," the other salesgirl whose name Rita hadn't quite committed to memory yet peeked her head into the storeroom, and Ritta nodded, hurrying past to greet them.

"Thanks!"

"I'm going on break. See you in fifteen." And, pulling a cigarette out of her apron pocket, the other girl headed out.

Her heart fluttered a little in her chest as she stepped out and saw a man, which wasn't all that typical since this was a women's clothing store, but the adrenaline rushing through her eased up when she saw a familiar red-head and not her asshole ex-boyfriend. The last time she'd seen him, he'd given her a black eye, and she'd given him one right back, running before he could get ahold of her again. Now she carried a blade wherever she went, but she'd been lucky so far…since finding a job in Ponyboy's hometown, she hadn't seen him around.

Keith Matthews, who Ponyboy and his friends all called Two-Bit for reasons that had quickly become apparent, grinned at her, that sunny, easy-going smile that he seemed to always have, and she found she couldn't help smiling back.

When she'd first met Ponyboy's friends in the hopes of telling them she would testify to what Richard had done to her so it would be safe for him to come home, she'd been a little nervous. They were all tough looking guys with greasy hair and Dallas, especially, had scared her at first. But she'd quickly learned that they were all good guys…that they would protect her because Ponyboy had. She could see where he'd gotten it…the desire to protect her. The urge to stand up to that asshole they'd lived with. He was just like his brothers. And yet…different somehow.

She'd been staying with Ponyboy's brothers or friends on and off, trying to stay out of the way and wake up before anyone else so that she could be gone early. Darrel Curtis had told her the first night she'd stayed with them, before Ponyboy had even come home, that she could stay as often as she needed, and had told her where to find towels and blankets and anything else she might need, but she could rarely bring herself to actually use them.

It was easier at Keith's house. His sister Susie had immediately taken to her, and she had to admit, she'd felt better, having a woman and another girl around. His mother had been thrilled to meet her, giving Keith looks she'd pretended not to notice, and then she'd given her a tour, insisting Rita use their shower anytime she needed and help herself to anything in the kitchen. It was the same thing Darry and Sodapop had done, but this was a woman, and it was easier with a woman, even if she did like Ponyboy's brothers. There were always guys around in that house, and sleeping in their living room tended to make her feel antsy…like anyone could come in.

Once, right after Ponyboy had come home but before she'd found her job at the clothing store, she'd wrapped her coat around herself, using her backpack as a pillow as she'd curled up in the corner of the empty lot by their house. Two-Bit had been out with his girlfriend, his mother working and Susie at a friend's house, and Ponyboy's brothers had been so focused on him, she hadn't been able to bring herself to bother any of them. She wasn't their friend or anything…hell, she was part of the reason Ponyboy was so…

Broken. Shattered. She'd watched that man beat him and she hadn't even tried to stop it…she'd been too afraid. Always afraid.

So she'd closed her eyes, drifting off to sleep, but jerking awake when she'd heard footsteps coming too close. Opening her eyes once more, she'd found a man standing over her and had gasped, voice dying in her throat as she'd scuttled backwards, hands fumbling for the knife in her jeans pocket. But the guy had lifted his hands, taking a step back.

"Easy, it's just me," Dallas Winsotn had told her, as if he wasn't a guy, just as dangerous to her as Richard had been…as any man was. As if he wasn't someone everyone in this town was scared to cross. She'd heard more about him than any of the others since coming to this town and deciding to stick around. Dallas Winston, buddy of Tim Shephard who everyone seemed afraid of. Every greaser in this town knew not to mess with Johnny Cade or Ponyboy Curtis because if you did, Dallas would come after you and no one wanted that. Ponyboy's brothers too, but Dallas was dangerous. He carried a gun.

No one tangled with Dallas Winston.

She'd also heard that he'd harass girls sometimes if he was in the mood, but he'd never been mean to her, so she'd tried not to let herself think about that part. Because he was Ponyboy's friend and apparent protector and it seemed that protection extended to her now.

So she'd tried to look calm. "Hi Dally," she'd greeted, as if she was in her own home and not sleeping outside.

"Man, what the hell are you doing out here?"

She'd looked around, smiling a little. "Is that a trick question?"

He'd snorted, shaking his head and muttering something she couldn't hear under his breath. "Come on. You ain't gotta sleep outside. You can sleep at my place."

Rita had taken the hand he'd offered, giving him a more genuine smile as he'd pulled her to her feet, her throwing her backpack over her shoulder. She hadn't exactly known he'd had a 'place' but had heard that he stayed at a bar sometimes, and that he worked for creepy Buck racing horses. "Thank you, Dally."

He'd just shoved his hands in his pockets. "I aint got my car, so we gotta walk."

It had been a long walk, but she hadn't complained, and once they'd reached the bar, she'd tried not to wince at the loud music…or at the couple stopping just short of actually having sex on the pool table. She'd immediately felt eyes on her, and had done her best not to look affected. She got stares everywhere she went, and she knew why…knew why men looked at her the way they did. But then Dallas had thrown an arm around her, and when she'd glanced at him, he'd been glaring out at the room.

And she'd felt a little part of her relax.

This one looked scary, but he was safe. At least to her.

Once they'd been at his 'place,' which turned out to be a bedroom upstairs, he'd pointed toward a rumpled looking twin bed, seeming almost uncomfortable. "You can sleep there if you want."

She'd opened her mouth to tease him, to laugh and say 'what, never had a girl in your room before?' But then she'd shut it, dropping her eyes. He was safe, but she certainly wasn't about to push it. "That's okay. The floor is fine with me…it is better than outside after all."

He'd shaken his head, still looking gruff and awkward. "I ain't sleeping in a bed while a girl sleeps on the floor. Go on," he'd ordered, dropping onto the floor where a couple of blankets were already piled up. And, shrugging to herself, she'd taken the bed, smiling at the ceiling when he'd brushed off her thanks with a muttered, 'whatever,' lighting a cigarette in the dark.

So now she took turns, sleeping at Keith's place most of the time, but sometimes at the Curtis house and other times, when he offered, Dally's place. The night before, though, she'd approached Keith's house only to hear loud voices from inside…a girl's voice she'd never heard before. Figuring it was his girlfriend, she'd turned around, heading to Ponyboy's house instead.

The kid in question had woken up when she'd come in, peeking his head out of his room as she'd sat down on the sofa. "Hey, you okay?" he'd asked, and despite everything, he was the same kid that had done everything he could to protect her. He looked different…tougher. A little scary sometimes, when he'd stare off into space, that scar cutting across his face. But when he saw her, he always softened, and she'd remember again how young he was.

And what he'd done for her.

"Hi. Yeah…do you think anyone will mind if I sleep on the couch tonight?"

He'd waved her off, both of them keeping their voices real low. "Nah. You can always sleep here. You hungry?"

"I'm okay. Thanks though." She'd hesitated. "How are you doing?"

He'd shrugged, immediately uncomfortable. "I'm alright."

"Do you start school Monday?"

"Yeah."

"What grade are you in?" After everything they'd been through, it kind of surprised her that she didn't know.

"I'll be a junior."

"Just two more years…that's not so bad."

He'd shaken his head. "Nah. Not too bad. What about you? What have you been up to?" Ponyboy had come into the living room then, perching on the recliner.

They'd never really talked before…but it had felt nice to talk to him. It had been a long time since she'd had a friend. "I got a job in town two weeks ago. A clothing store. I'm saving up for my own place. Then maybe college, if I can move up. Or get a second job."

Ponyboy had smiled. "Yeah? That's pretty tuff. You always had good grades, right?"

"Not as good as you. I certainly never skipped a grade." Even in the dim light coming in through the curtains she had been able to see his ears burn a little and she had smiled. "But yes. I'd…" she'd hesitated, feeling dumb, but it wasn't like he'd go around telling anyone. "I'd like to go to college. Study science and stuff. I know not a lot of girls do that but…I always liked science."

"You could do it, no problem. And you ain't gotta worry about staying with us. Or Two-Bit. None of us mind."

She'd dropped her eyes, feeling warmth rush through her. He'd sounded so sure…and yeah, he was younger than her, but he hadn't said that was dumb or even looked like he thought it was funny like her asshole ex-boyfriend always had.

Rita had heard him stand, and when she'd glanced up, he'd been headed for the closet, coming back with a pillow and blanket. "Here," he'd told her, tossing her the pillow and setting the blanket down on the sofa. "It's getting cold. You'll need more than that," he'd said, jerking his chin toward the throw blanket on the back of the sofa.

She'd thanked him, laying down and covering up, and then watched as he'd gone out to the back porch. It hadn't been a full minute before his oldest brother had emerged from his room, and she'd done her best not to listen to the two of them talking outside.

Now Keith Matthews grinned at her, arms crossed as she approached. "Hey, Rita."

"Good morning. Can I help you find something? A dress or a skirt, perhaps?" she asked, only a hint of a smile breaking through her professional sales girl face.

He chuckled like she knew he would. Keith was the exact opposite of her ex…the exact opposite of Richard too. Come to think of it, those two had been kind of similar. But Keith, like all of Ponyboy's friends, was always polite to her. Always friendly. And he was laid back. Funny in a way it was hard to find in guys. So she knew he wouldn't take offence…call her a stupid bitch and ask what she'd meant by that. With Keith, she could relax a little.

"Yeah, I was thinking something in pink."

"Of course. In your size, or your sister's?" She dropped the act when he snorted. "How'd you know I worked here?"

"Asked the kid. He said you worked at a clothing store, so I figured I'd try all the ones in town. Got lucky after the third one. Did that girl call you Maggie?"

"Yeah…I figured it would keep my ex from finding me if he came to town and asked around." He frowned, brows furrowing, but she went on before he could ask about that. "Did you need something?"

"Just wondering why you slept at the Curtis place last night. You know you can always stay at my house. Hell, I think my mom's drawing up adoption papers and everything."

"I figured I'd give you and your girlfriend some space. She sounded pretty upset." Rita heard footsteps and knew it was her manager, coming out of the back, so she raised her voice a little. "You're looking for something for your sister? Let me show you what we have."

He followed her eyes and then went along with it, not missing a beat. "Yeah, she likes darker colors. Hell, half the time she just wears pants, but Mom wants her to dress up sometimes."

She blinked at him, honestly surprised.

"What, you think I ain't never bought Susie clothes before?" he whispered once they were standing by the display of skirts.

"Does your buddy Dally know you pick out skirts for your sister?"

"Hell yeah he does. I bet you all the money I've got he'd do it himself if she asked."

She grinned. "How much money you got?"

He shook his head at her, still smiling as he glanced over at her manager who was keeping a close eye on them, but keeping her distance. Then he sobered a little. "That was Cathy. Last night. She uh…she broke things off."

She looked up at that, dropping her smile. "Oh…I'm sorry. I hope, uh…I hope me staying over didn't have anything to do with it."

He shook his head, shoving his hands in his pockets as she grabbed a skirt at random, holding it up. "Nah. Just, uh…she's saved up and she's going to college. Said she wasn't gonna stick around for me if I wasn't even gonna try to graduate high school. I don't blame her. She probably deserves better than some bum like me."

"You're not a bum," she told him firmly, then closed her mouth, reminding herself it was none of her business, no matter how nice he'd been to her. "Anyway, I'm sorry. Really."

"Yeah…" He nodded a little, glancing around the store. "Anyway, just wanted to let you know that you can stay over any time. Long as you need." With another glance at her manager, he grabbed a dark blue skirt she'd been holding up, checking the size and carrying it up to the front.

"Keith," she hissed, about to ask what exactly he was doing, but he just sat it on the counter.

"Alright, she convinced me," he told her manager, handing over the money before RIta could make it to the front. "I just came in here to price something for my little sister, but she was so sure my sister would like this, I had to get it."

She fought a smile, shaking her head a little at his back. Her manager, though, looked impressed as she handed him the bag. "I'm sure your sister will love it. Have a good day."

"You too." He turned, grinning and winking at Rita as he passed. "I guess I'll see if Dal wants to help me find her some shoes," he teased, then ambled out of the store as she tried not to laugh.

Five hours later, she too walked out of the store, her bag thrown over her shoulder. She liked her job fine…it paid pretty good, and she was on her way to saving up enough for an apartment…even a tiny one in a bad part of town would be better than staying with Ponyboy's friends all the time. But she sure was glad to be off. Figuring she'd find something for dinner before going back to his house, she turned toward the grocery store a couple of blocks away, nearly running face first into Ponyboy and Johnny when she turned the corner. They both stumbled back, eyes wide, and she had to smile at how small this part of town was. Then again, she knew that Johnny worked at the grocery store since she'd seen him there a few times, so she figured those two were on their way somewhere.

"Hey, Rita. You just get off?" Ponyboy asked, hands shoved into his pockets as he grinned at her. Johnny, too, was smiling, looking friendly. Of all of them, she had to admit, she felt safest with Ponyboy and Johnny. They were similar in a way it was hard to put her finger on…both standing just a little taller than her, they were quiet kids, mostly keeping to themselves. She knew they read all the time, and went to movies a lot with Dally, but from what she'd heard around town, these two never bothered girls or got into much trouble, except with those rich guys that had attacked them a year or two ago.

But she knew they could fight. She'd seen Ponyboy hold that gun to Richard's head, his eyes cold and so full of pain and anger she almost hadn't been able to take it. Oddly enough, she'd felt safer with him holding a gun, standing between her and Richard, than she ever had.

"Yeah. You work here, right Johnny?" she asked, even though she knew he did. They'd never talked, and she didn't need him to think she was following them around or anything.

"Yeah. I just got off too. We were going to the diner to get something to eat. You wanna come?"

She almost turned them down. It wasn't like she had all that much extra money, but Ponyboy was looking at her like he wanted her to tag along, and besides, she told herself, he'd done a whole lot for her. She figured it was time she actually tried to get to know him.

"If you don't mind some company?"

"Course not. Come on," Ponyboy told her, jerking his head for her to follow them to the nearby diner.

Johnny took over the conversation then, asking her about her job, and if she liked it, and she answered his questions as the three of them headed inside. It wasn't a place she went often, and just like in the bar, she felt all the eyes turn to them. Ponyboy shrank back a little, dropping his gaze to the floor, and she watched Johnny step in front of him a little, eyes narrow and cool as he looked out over the diner. Everyone went back to what they were doing, and she caught Ponyboy and Johnny exchanging some kind of look.

While they were waiting for their food, she got a good look at Ponyboy. Before, they'd talked mostly in passing, and she'd rarely had a minute to just sit and look at him. He was so thin his face looked almost gaunt, dark circles under his eyes making him look a few seconds away from falling over. As their food came, her eyes traced the scar on his face, then watched as he messed with his sleeves. She hadn't seen his arms since they'd lived together, and even then he'd covered up more often than not, especially as his collection of burns had grown. He picked at his food when it came, and she got the sense it had been Johnny's idea to get dinner. The other guys were always looking out for Ponyboy, and she thought it must be nice to have friends that cared so much.

She understood why he couldn't eat. They'd rarey had any food in that house, and she'd got used to living on scraps and whatever she could swipe from the grocery stores. She'd gotten in Tammy's purse a few times too, swiping money for lunch, and after she'd met her ex-boyfriend two years ago, he'd started buying her lunch. Dinner, too, when they went out. He'd expected her to pay him back in other ways, of course, but it had been worth it to eat.

After a while, though, she knew that hunger stopped being important. Stopped being so insistent.

She also saw how Johnny nudged him a couple of times, even as the three of them kept up their conversation. Each time, he would roll his eyes a little or sigh, but he also always took a bite of food.

When they got the check, Johnny pulled out his wallet, shaking her head when she went to pull hers out too. "Don't worry about it, I got it," he told her, elbowing Ponyboy who was also reaching for his wallet. "You either."

"You ain't gotta pay for me," Ponyboy told him, still reaching, and Johnny pushed him a little, swatting his hand away from his pocket. For a second, she saw Ponyboy freeze, just like she would have, but then he grinned, shoving Johnny back, and she wondered if they were going to start wrestling in the diner. She had to smile at the thought.

So this was what he was like.

But the two of them sat up straight all of a sudden when the waitress came back, looking unimpressed. Rita laughed, feeling something in her chest loosen. Ponyboy grinned at her, then, looking the same way she felt, and she couldn't help hoping that maybe someday they'd both be okay again.

The three of them headed back towards Ponyboy's house, her walking between them and getting ready to ask about school to have something to talk about when she spotted him. He was right outside the shop where she worked, hands in his pockets, a cigarette in his mouth, and she missed a step, stumbling on the sidewalk and staring right at him before ducking her head and swearing under her breath.

"You okay?" Ponyboy asked, following her gaze to Brian.

"I'm fine. Let's go," she urged, grabbing his arm and pulling him along as she hurried away from the shop in the hopes he hadn't seen her. Johnny half jogged to catch up, glancing back at the guy.

"You know him?" Johnny asked.

"Yeah."

"Is that your ex-boyfriend?" Ponyboy asked softly, hesitating, but she pulled on his arm again.

"It is, and I don't really want to deal with him right now."

She could tell Ponyboy wanted to argue and possibly confront him, and she really did appreciate him for that, but the last thing she needed was these two kids getting tangled up in her mess. Again. Hopefully if he didn't see her around, Brian would leave. Head back home and get on with his life. Ideally even find some other girl and forget about her.

"Come on. Walk me to Keith's?"

The boys exchanged a look, but after a moment, then both nodded. "Yeah," Ponyboy told her. "Of course."

Figuring she'd deal with Brian another day, she sighed in relief and together, the three of them made their way to Keith's house where she'd be safe from asshole ex-boyfriends.

Chapter Text

Ponyboy's arms pumped as he ran, sweat dripping down his neck despite the cool air. He was grateful that September was turning out to be kind of cold. Even with his sweatshirt on, sleeves pulled down to his wrists, he felt fine. Kind of dizzy, but fine. He figured the dizziness just came with running again after not doing it for so long...and yeah, his legs felt kind of heavy, and he felt oddly tired after only a few laps, but it was fine. That was probably normal.

It was the Sunday before school started, and he'd slipped out of the house early that morning, thoughts of Rita's ex-boyfriend and the socs he'd have to face soon and actually being in his old school again driving him out of bed before his brothers. He'd left a note, telling Darry he was going for a run, so he'd walked to the high school track, running a few laps and trying to drive thoughts of Richard and Lianne and that house out of his mind.

Normal. He had to act normal. That meant going to school, and getting back onto the track team. He could do that. He could run. He didn't have to think about anything but breathing when he ran. Maybe he'd go to the movies or try to find Johnny later...or the library. He could do that too. That was normal. He wasn't really sure what his brothers had planned for their day off, but whatever it was, he didn't really want it to involve him. The last thing he wanted was for Darry and Soda to spend the whole day babysitting him.

So he had a plan. Run, sneak into the house and take a shower, then find Johnny.

Trying not to think about the way his head had started to spin, he kept pushing, remembering Darry's warning not to overdo it and deciding to ignore it. He was on his third lap, jogging at a regular pace to try and build up his stamina again. He'd need it if he was going to get back on the track team…but he also knew it was going to take some time to build it back up. So he stopped after his fourth lap, hands on his knees as he took deep breaths. He had some time, he told himself. Tryouts wouldn't be for two weeks after the start of the school year. At least he didn't have to worry about cutting back on his smoking. This was better than he'd done over the last few days, so he tried not to feel bad about being so winded after just four laps. Wiping a hand over his face, he straightened, blinking hard when he felt himself sway a little. Swearing under his breath, he cursed himself for not grabbing something to eat that morning. He hadn't been hungry, as usual, but he'd have to remember to eat if he was going to be running.

Shoving his hands in his pockets as he left the track, Pony closed one of them around the knife he carried all the time now. He kept an eye out as he headed down the street toward his house, wondering how long he'd been out. The sun was still low, just barely rising, and he figured all the socs were still asleep, having partied hard the night before the first day of school. Two more years and he'd be done with high school. Strangely enough, the thought was more scary than exciting. What the hell was he going to do after high school? Darry wanted him to go to college, but his future seemed to stretch out, terrifying and impossible to predict. What would he do in college? It had been so long since he'd actually thought about what he wanted to do with his life…he'd been too focused on surviving.

Now he had to actually think about that stuff. And make sure he got a scholarship so Darry could finally get on with his own life and not have to worry about him anymore. And in order to do all that, he was going to have to get himself back to normal.

When he slipped into their living room, he listened for a second, grinning when he realized neither of his brothers were up yet. It was nearly ten, and he'd left at eight, so he'd been gone longer than he'd thought. Grabbing the note he'd left on the table, he ripped it up and threw it in the trash, then slipped into his bedroom to grab a change of clothes. Soda muttered something when he closed the dresser drawer, but he didn't seem to be awake, so Ponyboy hurried out of the room and to the bathroom.

He was halfway through his shower, eyes closed so he wouldn't have to look at his arms, when he heard the front door slam. He put a hand on the tiled wall of the shower, taking deep breaths. He was home, he told himself, opening his eyes so he could see the tiled wall and the water pouring down on him. Home with Darry and Soda. If he yelled for them, they'd come running. That wasn't Richard. Richard was in prison and even if he weren't, Soda and Darry would never let that asshole hurt him.

Only they had, a terrible voice in the back of his head whispered. Dally had found him. They could have found him. They could have stopped all of it if they'd just come looking for him.

His hand formed a fist against the wall and he had to force himself not to slam it against the tiles. No. That wasn't fair! Darry and Soda wouldn't let anyone hurt him. Besides, it wasn't Richard. It was probably Steve or Dal…maybe even Johnny. It was a Sunday morning. Their friends came over all the time on the weekends. And during the week. Still, he rinsed his hair and turned off the shower, fighting the urge to throw his clothes on and jump on the nearest window. Instead, he dried off, trying to get his heart to stop pounding, then gave in and pressed his ear to the door.

He could hear muffled noises, but no one sounded upset, so he took a breath and got dressed, trying to calm down. He was being dumb, he told himself firmly. No one in this house would hurt him. Darry and Soda would never let them. Besides, it was probably one of the guys...he was freaking out for no reason. But when he opened the door, he was suddenly staring at a fist.

Pony jerked back, flinching before he could tell his stupid brain that it was his brother, his hand up to knock on the door.

But for a second it wasn't his brother. It was Richard and he'd thrown Rita's door open and Pony had to protect her…he had to make him stop but he couldn't…all he could do was stand up no matter how bad it hurt and take the beating he knew was coming and pray he survived a little longer.

Or pray he didn't.

Darry dropped his hand, stepping back a little, eyes wide and worried, and Pony snapped out of it.

"Hey," Ponyboy said as if his heart wasn't pounding so loud he could barely hear anything else, reminding himself that it was just Darry. Darry wasn't going to hurt him. He was fine. Things were fine. Normal. He needed to be normal. So he forced himself to…well, he couldn't manage a smile but he was pretty sure he did something close. "Sorry. Wasn't expecting you to be there. You need the bathroom?" he asked, moving off to the side, but Darry just shook his head.

"Just looking for you. You been up long?"

Ponyboy shook his head, lying without thinking about it. "Not really. I can go make breakfast."

"Soda already said he was on it." He looked like he was going to say something else, but Pony just nodded, carrying his old clothes to the bedroom where he dropped them into his hamper. When he turned, Darry was gone, but Dallas was leaning in the doorway, arms crossed.

"Hey, kid," he greeted, nodding. Ever since Dally had snapped at him, jumping up like he was going to come after him, he'd been quieter with him than normal. That night, he'd felt a little comforted when Darry had dropped his book, leaning forward like he was going to bash someone's head in, but he'd mostly just been focused on Dallas, whose expression had gone from angry to startled when Pony's hands had come up without him even realizing it.

It was something he was real good at now. Put your hands up. Protect your face. Run if you could. But always get back up so he couldn't get to Rita.

And then Dally had looked almost sorry, holding the wet rag he'd grabbed to his cheek, probably saying something, but all Pony had been able to do was nod and practically flee to his room, shutting his bedroom door behind him. Part of him had wanted to jump out the window…to make a run for it. But that was stupid, he'd told himself, dropping onto the bed and his face into his hands. He was home. He was safe. Darry wouldn't let anyone hurt him.

Darry had let them take him away. Darry hadn't come to find him. Had Darry given up? Had he been relieved to be rid of him, just like Pony had always feared?

Dallas had knocked once, telling him he was coming in, but Pony hadn't looked up…hadn't even bothered trying to look normal when Dallas had shut the door behind him, sitting beside him on the bed. He'd been quiet for a minute, but Ponyboy had felt his eyes on him as he'd tried to dismiss his own ridiculous, painful thoughts.

"Sorry…I didn't mean to…" Pony had started, but Dallas had gripped his shoulder.

"Man…don't." For a moment, Dal had just sat there, hand squeezing his shoulder, and Pony had been surprised at how much the contact had comforted him…how his heart had been slowing down a little. "You alright?" he'd asked then, looking uncomfortable, the question thrown away like he didn't really care as he'd stared at the wall.

"Yeah," Pony had told him, not knowing how else to answer. Because he wasn't…he'd never actually been afraid of Dally like that before. And it wasn't even Dally he was afraid of.

Deep down, he didn't know if he'd ever be alright again.

Dallas had huffed out a breath, and then he'd spoken, voice softer than normal. "Even if I wanted to hurt ya, man you know Superman would have me flat out on the ground before I could try it."

"I know," Pony had whispered, trying to smile. "It ain't you. Not really."

Beside him, Dal had nodded, still not looking at him. "Yeah, man. I can dig that."

And not for the first time, Pony had wondered what his life had been like when he'd been younger…back before they'd met him, with an old man that had made him into the person he was. Had he been scared too?

Ponyboy wouldn't ask…not for a long time.

Dallas had saved his life. He'd gotten him out of town. He'd given him money and a gun, sending him to someone he knew would look after him. And then, when he'd come back to town, Dally had taken that gun back, talking him down from when he'd been ready to shoot Richard and keeping that cop from shooting him.

He owed a lot to Dallas. Hell, he owed just about everything to Dallas.

"He's in prison, kid. And if he ever steps foot in this town again, you know we'll hunt him down."

Ponyboy had nodded, not bothering to explain that it didn't matter where Richard was. Not really. The damage had already been done.

He'd already managed to break him, and Pony didn't know how to put himself back together.

Now he nodded hello to Dallas, fighting the urge to tug at his sleeves to make sure his arms were covered.

"Hey, kid. Johnny and I are going to the movies tonight. You want to come?"

He nodded, reminding himself that he needed to act normal, and acting normal meant hanging out with his friends. "Sure. Sounds good."

To Soda 'making breakfast' apparently meant cutting them slices of chocolate cake, and Darry huffed out a laugh as he took his own slice, rolling his eyes but not complaining. Soda grinned, poured everyone glasses of milk and dug into his 'breakfast.' Pony made himself take a bite, then another, taking sips of the milk and finding a few bites in that he was actually hungry, even if eating much all at once tended to make him sick.

He was grateful that Dally was there, making conversation with Darry and Soda and keeping their attention off of him as he tried to eat as slowly as he could, and Johnny showed up before he'd eaten his whole slice.

"Hey, Johnny. It's cake for breakfast," Dally called, and he grinned, cutting himself a slice and sitting beside Ponyboy at the table. "How you been, man? How's that job?"

"It's alright…"

Pony tried to tune in as he finished his slice of cake. He felt like kind of a crappy friend…the two of them hadn't spent all that much time together since Johnny had started working. Sure, he'd gone over to the grocery store plenty of times to have lunch with him, and the day before they'd had dinner together, Rita tagging along. But they hadn't really gotten to talk much.

"Right, Pone?"

Cursing himself for zoning out again, he looked over at Johnny apologetically. Johnny didn't get mad though. He didn't look worried either unlike Darry and Soda, but he guessed Johnny was used to him acting this way now.

"Mr. Williams will give you a recommendation when you turn sixteen," he clarified without being asked, and Pony nodded.

"Yeah, that's what he said." He turned to Darry, trying again for normal. "You said I could get a job when I turned sixteen," he reminded him, noticing the face he was making.

"We'll see, Pony."

He opened his mouth, then closed it, nodding instead. Part of him wanted to remind Darry that their parents had let both of them get jobs at sixteen…but he didn't want to bring up their parents…didn't want to think about how they'd feel about any of this. Another part wanted to remind Darry that he'd already had a job…that he'd gotten one at fifteen, younger than either of them, and that he'd been fine, but that would just lead back to thoughts of why he'd gotten a job so young and that was another dangerous path.

So he just drank the rest of his milk and carried the dishes to the sink to start cleaning up. Dallas dumped his dirty plate in the sink a minute later, splashing him with water. Pony smacked at him without thinking about it, getting him on the arm, and Dally grabbed him before he knew what was happening, a surprised laugh escaping when his friend put him in a headlock. "Hey!" he cried, throwing an elbow back but missing.

Johnny was on Dally's back then, getting his own arm around Dally's neck and messing up his hair, and Pony managed to wiggle out of the headlock, helping Johnny to wrestle their laughing friend to the ground. Dal fought back, managing to throw Ponyboy off and into the cabinets, but he got right back up, helping Johnny to pin him to the floor.

"Careful, you three," Darry called from the table, but Ponyboy could hear the smile in his voice.

This was normal. He could do this.

They let Dally up, laughing when he shoved Pony's outstretched hand away. "Cheaters, the both of ya," he told them, roughly messing up Johnny's hair and mock punching Pony in the arm, and Ponyboy couldn't help noticing how Soda smiled sadly down at his own plate, his fork clutched too tightly in his hand.

Once the dishes were done, he and Johnny headed to the library, telling Dally they'd meet him at the movies later. Darry didn't even remind him to carry a blade, which felt weird, but it was in his pocket anyway. He figured he brother already knew that...everyone else did. They were quiet as they walked, but Pony could feel Johnny's eyes on him, so he tried to head him off before he could start asking if he was okay.

"You gotta work during the week when school starts?"

Johnny gave him a strange look and Pony realized he might have already said that when he'd been eating breakfast. Still, he nodded. "Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, three to seven" he told him. "My boss knows I'm in school and he said if I needed to cut back I could."

"That's cool of him. Think Darry'll let me try to get a job next year?"

"Maybe…" Johnny trailed off and Pony turned to look at him. "Pony?"

"Yeah?"

"You feeling okay?"

Pony lifted an eyebrow, copying Two-Bit, and his friend's lip twitched as he shook his head, punching his shoulder and making Pony laugh. "Sure. Why?" Normal, he told himself. Just act normal.

"I'm serious, man. It's just…you've been awful quiet. Like more than usual, and I didn't think that was possible." He was grinning when he said it, but Pony still dropped his eyes. "You feeling sick or something?"

"Nah. I'm fine." He ran a hand through his hair, trying to think of something else to talk about. "I guess we don't gotta worry about our aliases holding up for school. One more year and you're done."

"Just two for you," Johnny told him, bumping his shoulder against his.

"Yeah…what are you gonna do? After?"

Before, when they'd talked about life after high school, it had all felt so far away…now, it seemed too close.

Johnny grinned a little, the two of them climbing the steps to the library. Pony couldn't help noticing how different he was now. Like…he wasn't nothing like a scared puppy anymore. He reminded Pony more of Steve and Soda now, grinning, hands in his pockets, acting like he had a right to be walking the streets. He'd never been a coward before, but he thought New York had changed his friend for the better. He had a job he liked, and he didn't seem to let his parents get to him as much anymore. And Pony was glad for him.

But he wished he could do the same.

"I think I'll try to save up…go to college, you know? Study something and get out of here. Before we went to New York, I'd never even left our neighborhood." Johnny was quiet until they'd grabbed books, just like in New York, the two of them picking a spot in the back upstairs where they were less likely to be overheard. "What about you?"

"I don't know," Pony told him honestly. "Darry wants me to get a scholarship and go to school.."

"You're sure smart enough. Don't you want to?"

"I guess." He shrugged, staring down at the book but not opening it.

"You got plenty of time to figure it out," Johnny told him, and even though that didn't feel true, he nodded.

"Yeah…I guess so." He swallowed, glancing up at his friend who was watching him real close. "I wrote a letter to Sue."

Surprise washed over his friend's face. "Yeah?"

"Yeah…I just…I wanted to explain. At least some of it." He shrugged again. "It was probably stupid, but I felt bad for leaving the way we did."

"It ain't stupid, Pone."

They read for a while then, Pony wishing he could talk more about it but not knowing what to say. He cared, for some reason, that Sue didn't think bad of him. He hated the thought that she'd just remember how he'd beat that guy in the store…that she'd had to see that. But he didn't want Johnny to tease him about it, and he didn't feel like joking about it or anything like that. Maybe that wasn't fair…maybe he wouldn't tease him. Still, he didn't know what to say, so he just turned to his book and tried to focus on that.

Dally found them at the library a couple of hours later. It wasn't until Ponyboy heard footsteps approaching that he realized him and Johnny must have stuck around too long, lost in their respective books.

"Hey, Dally," he greeted softly, putting his book down. Johnny jumped a little, putting his own book down. "Are we late?"

"Nah, man, we got time. Figured you two would want to get something to eat." Dally looked around the empty corner they'd stationed themselves in, reaching out and messing up Johnny's hair. Johnny grinned, shoving him off. "You two gonna sit here all day?"

"Not as long as you're buying lunch," Johnny joked, laughing when Dally went to swat him again.

They put their books away, neither of them wanting to carry them around all day, then followed Dally out of the library, all three ignoring the librarian that watched them like a hawk as they passed, and Pony found himself missing the nice library lady from New York. She hadn't ever looked at them like that...she'd been realinice.

This time was nothing like the day Johnny had stabbed Bob Sheldon, but Ponyboy's brain kept going back to that night. They went to a different diner, and Ponyboy couldn't bring himself to blow straw papers at the waitress this time. When they got to the movies, Dallas was quiet beside him, keeping an eye out as he and Johnny crawled in through the bottom of the fence. There were no soc girls in sight when they took their seats away from the cars and up toward the front, Pony in the middle of the two of them just like before.

Two-Bit joined them after a while, but he didn't yell or try to scare them…just dropped into the seat beside Johnny and reached over to pat Pony on the back.

"Hey, kids. How's it going, Dal?"

"It's going, man."

"Enjoying one last night of freedom before your big brother has you on lockdown?" Two asked, shaking Pony's shoulder, and he laughed, passing him the bucket of popcorn Dally had bought them.

Everyone in the gang knew Darry wouldn't hardly let Pony out of the house on a school night. Used to, that had made Pony madder than anything, and he'd sulk all night when Darry told him no. He'd even snapped at him once, reminding Darry that their parents had never been that strict. He'd regretted it afterwards though…still, he hadn't apologized. He'd just slammed his bedroom door and avoided his brother for the rest of the night.

Now, he couldn't help remembering the couple of nights he'd spent sleeping in the woods out behind that bar…how he'd sneak in and out of the house, trying his best to never get caught. How cold it had been...and how Richard would have been happier if he'd just stayed gone. So yeah, he'd take a curfew any time. A curfew meant Darry cared if he was okay. It meant his brother wanted to keep tabs on him…to make sure he was safe. It must have scared him to death when he hadn't come in until 2am that morning…he must have thought something had happened to him.

It made him want to apologize again, although that would probably just worry Darry even more.

There were no run-ins with socs that night…no arguments or appearances by Tim Shephard. No tire slashing or cokes thrown in Dally's face. They all just left after the movie, Two-Bit walking Ponyboy all the way home, which was kind of weird since it was late, but Pony didn't say anything. He just walked with his surprisingly sober friend,one hand gripping his blade in his pocket as the two of them waved to Johnny and Dal. Two's eyes followed the movement of his hand to his pocket, narrowing a little.

"You still have the one Dally gotcha?"

"Yeah. Managed to hang onto it the whole time I was gone," Pony told him. "I always kept it on me at that house."

Two-Bit nodded, and Pony thought he might ask him something about that, but he didn't. "I gotta get a new one," he mused instead.

"You break your black handled one?" Pony asked, surprised. He'd been really proud of his black handled switch.

"Nah. Gave it to Susie."

"Yeah?" he asked, turning to look at his friend.

"After those guys came after her…I needed her to have some kind of way to protect herself. She always carries it now. Keeps it under her pillow…but I think having Rita around makes her feel safer."

Ponyboy felt his stomach sink. "She alright? Susie?"

Two nodded, knocking his shoulder against Ponyboy's and grinning like everything was fine. "Yeah, she's a tough kid. And now everyone's keeping an eye on her…plus Rita's around."

He hesitated for a second, then decided he'd better tell him. "Two-Bit?"

"Yeah?"

"Me and Johnny ran into Rita a couple of days ago when she got off work…that day you asked where she worked. She went to dinner with us."

"Oh yeah?" Two-Bit asked, sounding a little confused as to why Ponyboy might be telling him this.

"When we were walking her back to your place, we passed that shop where she works and there was a guy hanging around outside. She got pretty upset…acted like she didn't want him to see her."

His friend slowed down a little, crossing his arms, and Pony went on, turning around to walk backwards for a minute.

"She said it was her ex-boyfriend."

"He see you guys?"

"No. We kept walking. She said she didn't want to deal with him."

"What's he look like?"

"Black hair. Not greased…cut short. Tall. Mean."

"Let me know if you see him around again. I'll talk to Rita too."

Pony nodded, hoping she wouldn't be upset that he'd told Two-Bit, but he couldn't risk that guy going after her…or Susie. Especially not Susie. Not after those guys had scared her so bad.

Once they reached his house, Ponyboy figured his friend would come in with him, but he just patted him on the shoulder. "Alright, kiddo. I'll see you around."

"You don't want to come in?"

"Nah, I'd better get home. Go on and get inside before Superman worries."

Ponyboy opened his mouth to tell him that he still had more than an hour before he had to be inside, but then he remembered the night he'd fought with Darry…and how he'd gone to the lot with Johnny first, talking until they fell asleep. Did Two-Bit think that was his fault? He hadn't been able to help noticing that Two-Bit didn't drink much anymore either…he'd assumed it had something to do with taking care of Susie.

But maybe it had something to do with him too.

He didn't ask, though. Didn't really feel up to a heart to heart this late, especially with the two of them standing outside by the street. "Alright. See you." And, with a wave, he headed inside.

Chapter Text

On his first day of school, for the first time in a while, Ponyboy was the last one up. Before, it had been Darry most of the time, and he'd usually make breakfast, leaving Soda to drag Pony out of bed. But these days, Pony couldn't seem to sleep too well, even when he wasn't having nightmares. He knew as soon as Soda shook his arm that it was Monday morning, and he blinked up at his brother, rubbing his eyes and fighting the urge to pull the blankets back over his head. He yawned, laughing a little when Soda dropped back onto the pillow beside him.

"We gotta get up," Soda told him, not making any move to do so.

"Now?" Ponyboy whined, throwing the blanket over Soda and making him laugh. "Ten more minutes?" he asked, closing his eyes.

"Steve's gonna be here soon."

"He can wait. He loves waiting."

Soda snorted. "I thought you wanted to go back to school."

"I do. I just think school could start later," he grumbled, rubbing a hand over his eyes.

"You got that right," his brother muttered, pulling the blankets up higher, and the two managed another few minutes before Darry was poking his head in.

"Come on, you two. Time to get up."

They both groaned, and he came into the room, pulling the blankets off of them and ignoring their protests. "Soda I thought you were already up."

"I was, but he makes some convincing arguments."

Darry huffed out a laugh and Pony opened his eyes when Soda gave a startled cry, jerking away from Darry who Pony realized was tickling him. Deciding to try and rescue his laughing brother, he sat up and grabbed the pillow from under his head and whacked Darry with it, then scrambled back when Darry lunged for him, grabbing for the pillow. But Soda was already swinging his own pillow, and soon it was an all out war between them, only ending when Darry managed to get both of their pillows, tossing them into the corner of the room.

Their front door opened then, right as Soda was about to try his luck at tackling their brother, and they all froze.

"Soda! You guys ready?" Steve called, and Ponyboy looked at himself, then his brother, the two of them still in the clothes they'd slept in.

"No," he called back, grinning when Soda punched his arm.

"Just about!" Soda called, hurrying toward his old bedroom where he still kept some of his clothes while Ponyboy opened the closet, trying to find something to wear, immediately eliminating anything with short sleeves. Darry chuckled to himself, leaving them both to get dressed and shutting the door behind him, and Pony was surprised to realize, as he pulled on a sweatshirt, that everything felt almost normal.

He just had to keep it up.

It was the first day of school. His junior year. And people had probably heard about him being sent to a foster home…but it was fine. Because everything was normal. He was fine. It was just school.

"Get a move on, will you kid?" Steve called, sounding irritated, and Pony rolled his eyes, combing his hair back. "We gotta go!"

"You want something to eat?" Soda asked, poking his head in. Ponyboy shook his head, grabbing his backpack and slipping a hand into his pocket, double checking that he had his blade.

"We're gonna be late."

"It was your idea to go back to sleep," Soda grumbled, running back to the kitchen table and practically sticking his face into his bowl of cereal.

Darry caught Ponyboy as he was on his way to grab his shoes. "Here," he told him, dropping a dollar and two quarters into his hand. "For lunch."

"You don't have to…"

"You need to eat. Take it. Eat at school."

Not having the time to argue, Ponyboy just nodded, dropping the money into his pocket and running to grab his shoes, scooting over on the sofa when Soda did the same, wiping his face with the back of his hand. Darry had already grabbed his tool belt and was heading out the door with one last look at him.

"See you guys later." And with that, he was gone.

Pony, Soda, and Steve followed soon after, the three of them piling into Steve's car and dropping Soda off at the DX on the way. Soda turned around from the front seat, giving him a long look, and Pony really hoped they weren't about to have an emotional talk or something in front of Steve. Normal. He wanted things to be normal. Hell, this was already kind of weird…Steve didn't usually give him a ride to school, and Soda usually rode with Darry. He hadn't said anything when Steve had offered to give him a ride, though, figuring it was better than walking.

Soda seemed to stop himself at the last second, reaching out and knocking his fist against Pony's leg. "Alright, kiddo…be good. I'll see you tonight."

"See ya," Pony called, waving as he climbed out of the car, watching his brother head inside as Steve pulled out of the parking lot.

Pony only waited a few seconds before he climbed over the seat and into the front, Steve elbowing him and rolling his eyes when he managed to drop into the seat his brother had vacated. Part of him wanted to ask why Steve was giving him a ride, but he knew the answer and he certainly didn't want to talk about it. Another part wanted to ask if he could count on this kind of service all year round, but he couldn't help being just a little scared to open his mouth. So he just stared out the window until they pulled into the school parking lot, Steve parking his beat up old car among the other beat up cars that most greasers drove.

He couldn't help risking one parting comment as he got out of the car though. "So…am I supposed to tip you or something? I ain't never ridden in a taxi before."

Pony managed to jump out before Steve could land the punch he'd thrown, laughing and half jogging away from the car. Steve slammed his own car door behind him, shaking his head and snorting despite himself.

"Just for that, you can walk home, you little brat," he told him, lips twitching as he fought a grin, and Pony laughed to himself, hands shoved in his pockets as he headed toward the school. To his surprise, Steve came up to walk beside him, scanning the parking lot as they made their way toward the front doors. All around them were greasers sitting together on car hoods or leaning in windows like they were at the drive-in or something, and girls walked together in groups, laughing or talking real quiet. The socs were on the other side of the parking lot for the most part, doing the same, just in nicer clothes.

Ponyboy broke away from Steve when he spotted Evie, waving a little and telling him he'd see him around. Steve nodded, looking almost concerned, but Ponyboy just turned and walked off. Normal. Normal was walking into school. Maybe running into Johnny. Saying hi to the guys he knew from around town. Avoiding socs and going to class. He could do normal.

He was walking up the steps when he first felt the eyes on him. It wasn't like he ought to be surprised…everyone around town knew the story, or some version of it. Still, he glanced over his shoulder as he pulled the door open, meeting the eyes of Bob Sheldon.

Bob Sheldon, who had held him under the water of the park fountain a year ago, nearly drowning him. Who was the reason Ponyboy had been taken from his family and put with Richard in the first place.

Bob was smirking at him, just a little, like he had something planned, and Ponyboy let his eyes go cold. He knew he could look mean now…meaner than ever before. That scar helped plenty. Glaring right at him, he hesitated for a second, then headed inside.

Ponyboy put a neutral look on his face as he headed for his homeroom and didn't let it drop, not even when he heard the whispers as he passed.

"He and Johnny Cade nearly killed Bob…"

"…Sodapop Curtis's little brother…"

"Bob was drowning him…

"...he tried to pick up Bob's girl…"

"You know Dallas Winston was the one that started it…"

"...got put in foster care…"

"Cade was the one that stabbed him…"

"They're all hoods…"

"...heard that man nearly beat him to death…"

"He runs around with Dallas Winston…"

"...arrested that foster dad for murder…"

Pony ignored every bit of it, not letting it show on his face how much he hated the attention. He'd learned plenty during his time in a boy's home, then in foster care, including how to ignore stuff. Or at least look like you were ignoring it. He kept his gaze straight ahead, only turning when someone called out to him, usually a guy he'd known on the track team or an old friend. He nodded to them, not dropping his default 'tough' expression. If he didn't give them anything to talk about, he figured, they'd find something more interesting.

When he reached his homeroom, he headed straight for the back, taking a desk by the window. Most of his classes were advanced, like English and History, so there were lots of socs to look out for, but in homeroom and study hall, there was a mix of people, so he didn't have to worry about watching his back so much.

He was pulling out a book, hoping that and the look on his face kept everyone at a distance, when someone grabbed the novel he'd been holding out of his hand. He started to push himself up out of his seat, more than ready to fight if this meant people would leave him alone afterwards, when he came face to face with a grinning Two-Bit.

"Fancy running into you here, kid."

Pony huffed out a breath, rolling his eyes and grinning. "What are you doing here?"

"I ought to be asking you that. This is my homeroom." He dropped into the desk beside Pony and tossed him his book back.

Pony dropped it into his backpack, figuring he wasn't going to get any reading done with his friend around, not that he minded. When he glanced up at his friend, he was surprisingly serious. "I heard you and dear old Bob crossed paths this morning."

"Barely," Pony scoffed. "He was standing outside when I walked in."

"He didn't say anything?"

"Nah. And I don't plan on saying anything to him neither." It was true. All Ponyboy wanted to do was get through the year with good enough grades that he might have a shot at that scholarship Darry was always talking about, get on the track team, and try to make himself back into a normal person.

"Good. I gotta tell you, kid, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm kind of hoping this is a boring year."

"Me too."

The teacher came in then, calling attendance and passing out their schedules. Two-Bit didn't wait three seconds before leaning in, reading over his shoulder. "When have you got study hall?"

"Last."

"Yeah? Me too. We can skip out. Head home early."

"I'm sure Darry will love that."

"Come on, it ain't even a real class."

"It would be a great time for you to actually do some homework."

Two scoffed but didn't argue. "I gotta tell ya, Johnny's more fun than you."

"Yeah? Maybe you should have passed. Then you'd be in homeroom with him."

He shot a hand out, ruffling Ponyboy's hair and making him grimace as he tried to fix it. "I don't know how you got so mouthy."

"Learned it from you."

They parted in the hallway, Two-Bit calling that he'd see him at lunch, and Pony headed for class. He made it through the first three no problem. By the time lunch rolled around, he was pretty sure he could do this. Acting normal in school was easy…way easier than around his brothers. Everyone still whispered behind his back but no one said anything to his face, so he didn't have to worry about talking about any of it. All of his teachers seemed fine, and apart from one of them, a new lady, who seemed hesitant to even get near his desk as she handed out the syllabus, none of them seemed to care much about last year, or the rumors about him.

And then it was time to head to the cafeteria. He hadn't done anything much all day, so he wasn't really hungry. Or…maybe he was, but it was hard to tell anymore. Still, Darry had given him money and he knew his brother would ask, so he was starting to make his way down the hall, keeping an eye out for the guys, when he saw Johnny.

His friend had his arms crossed, eyes narrow as he slouched by the lockers, and Pony's defenses went up immediately when he saw who was in front of him. Not wanting to look like he was hurrying, he ambled over, moving to Johnny's side as his friend glared at the guys across from him. It was Bob and Randy, the four from the back seat conspicuously absent, but all around them, greasers and socs alike were slowing down to keep an eye out in case this turned into a rumble. Ponyboy propped his elbow on Johnny's shoulder and cocked his head.

Sometimes he didn't mind looking mean.

"Well look who it is," Randy said with a grin, posture easy like they were all friends.

Pony remembered seeing him on the bus when he'd been with his brother and guessed he'd been wrong. It seemed things weren't all going to be fine with the socs after all.

"What the hell you want, man?" Johnny asked, sounding just as mean as Dallas.

"Just wondering why they're letting trash like you roam the halls of our fine school," Bob told him, smirking. "I heard you got put away for a while, greaser." He jerked his head at Ponyboy who didn't react other than rolling his eyes. It figured that that was one of the rumors. "They should have kept you there."

"Last I checked, you were the ones tried to kill us," Pony reminded him, surprised at how reasonable his own voice sounded. After living with Richard, he thought, these guys were nothing.

"Yeah, I catch you talking to my girl again, I'll finish the job," Bob growled, taking a step forward, but neither of them flinched, and Ponyboy couldn't help being proud.

"So will I," Johnny told him, a hand going to his pocket, and even though Pony knew he was bluffing, he had to admit, his friend sounded pretty serious.

Bob's hands clenched, and Randy moved in, acting like he was about to attack them, and the hallway got real quiet. Pony was ready though, his own hand slipping into his pocket and closing around his blade. Dally had given it to him on his fourteenth birthday. He'd always been too scared to carry it around…but not anymore.

"I heard about your foster sister, greaser. Too bad…how'd you get away with it?"

Pony didn't let himself think about Lianne…didn't even let himself think her name. He wouldn't give these assholes even an ounce of satisfaction. Instead, he let himself think of Richard and slipped the knife out of his pocket, not opening it but letting them see it, and beside him, Johnny did the same.

"How'd you like a hole in your back to match your buddy's?" he asked, leaning in and giving him the kind of grin Dally would give someone right before breaking their teeth.

"What do we have here?" Two-Bit's voice came right before he threw an arm around Ponyboy's shoulders, and Pony and Johnny both pocketed their blades. They wouldn't need them with backup on the way. And sure enough, Steve came around the corner next, coming to stand on Johnny's other side. "We having a little party in the hall? Kid, I told you, you gotta invite me to these things."

Bob scoffed, but he and Randy took a step back. Two-Bit's voice was light, but even those two weren't dumb enough to pick a fight outnumbered four to two.

"You two better watch your backs," Bob told them simply, backing away and grinning right at Johnny.

"You ever get to play football again?" Pony wondered, making his voice curious. "Or did you get benched all year?"

Steve huffed out a sigh, but Bob just smiled at him, shaking his head and pointing his finger. "Your buddies won't always be around, greaser."

Steve and Two-Bit waited until Bob and Randy were gone, the four of them heading to the cafeteria, before they let him have it. "Seriously, kid? One day? You can't even make it one day without pissing them off?" Steve snarked.

"Pony didn't start it. They did," Johnny told him, throwing an arm around Pony's shoulders for a second, his voice defensive, and Steve blinked at him, obviously surprised. "Besides, they were gonna come after us anyway."

Johnny had told him that during the year Pony had missed, he had stuck real close to Steve and Two-Bit, never really going anywhere alone, so Randy and his buddies hadn't had a chance to get to him. Bob had been out for most of the year anyway, recovering from home, and had been homeschooled for the most part. He was back now, though, and apparently they were ready to get some revenge.

For just a second, Ponyboy thought that sounded fine with him. Hell, he'd like some revenge of his own. But then he shook that thought off. He wasn't going to go out of his way to get into it with Bob and Randy. He was trying to focus on school, he reminded himself. Not some grudge match. So, trying to push that thought from his mind and ignoring the looks Two-Bit was giving him, Ponyboy got in line to get food behind Johnny, Two-Bit and Steve behind them to watch their back, and tried his best to act normal.

Whatever the hell that meant anymore.

At the end of the day, Pony and Johnny walked home from school together, both keeping an eye on the street as Mustangs and busted up junkers both roared past them. A few guys screamed out their windows, calling them greasers, but they didn't pay it any mind since those cars didn't even slow down.

"You think Bob and Randy are gonna be a problem?" Pony asked as they walked, hands in his pockets, one closed around his blade.

"Not as long as you keep threatening to stab them," Johnny told them with a little smile, but he didn't look amused. "Glory, Pony, you looked like you meant it."

He shrugged. "I ain't gonna stab them no more than you are. But I'm sick of them bugging us. They were the ones that attacked us that night, and we're the ones that paid for it."

Johnny didn't point out that really only Pony had paid for it, but they both knew it. "I heard Cherry broke up with him…that's part of why he's so pissed at us. She heard that he jumped us when he was drunk and nearly killed you…then after they took you away, she broke up with him a week later."

Pony could only vaguely remember liking her and couldn't really think of a response. Sure, they'd talked that night, and she'd seemed cool…he remembered thinking she was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen up close, and being impressed that she liked sunsets too. Now he could hardly remember what she looked like. "Good for her," he said simply, shrugging.

Now when he thought of girls he liked, his mind kept flashing back to Sue, with her smile and the ribbons in her hair that matched her dress sometimes, or how she'd found them at the library and invited them to go swimming after he'd nearly killed that guy in front of her and after him and Johnny had gotten jumped. That was dumb though, especially since he'd probably never see her again, so he tried not to think of girls much at all. Cherry wouldn't give him the time of day anyway, and besides, he didn't think he wanted her to.

"You find out when track tryouts are?" Johnny asked then, seeming to sense Pony didn't want to talk about Cherry.

"Yeah. I went before study hall and talked to the coach. Tryouts are in two weeks, and if I make the team I've got to get a physical, and Darry's gotta sign the permission slip and stuff. But two weeks is plenty of time to train for it."

Johnny didn't look too convinced.

"What?" Pony asked, a little affronted at his skeptical look.

"You sure two weeks is gonna be enough? I mean…you still look kind of…" his friend trailed off and Pony crossed his arms, fighting a grin at how sheepish he looked.

"Kind of what?"

"Come on, man!"

"You think I can't run?"

"I didn't say that," Johnny told him,relaxing a little when Pony grinned.

"I'll bet you a dollar I can beat you back to my house." Before his words were even out, Pony was running, and Johnny cried out behind him before taking off. They were close enough that Pony could just about run flat out, sprinting down the familiar streets and trying to breathe and laugh at the same time as his friend fell even further behind, calling him a lousy cheater the whole time.

Normal, he thought with a grin. This felt normal.

Chapter Text

"You sure I can't convince you to ditch this class?"

Ponyboy glanced up from the math worksheet that he'd already pulled out, grinning a little at Two-Bit who dropped into the seat beside him, huffing out a breath and looking bored. Pony had to admit, he was kind of surprised at his buddy. He'd expected Two-Bit to have already headed home, but two weeks into the school year and he was showing up every day, always sitting beside Pony in homeroom and study hall, the two of them talking and working on homework.

He was starting to suspect that Two-Bit was only coming to class every day to keep an eye on him, since Bob and Randy had been doing their best to make his and Johnny's lives has difficult as possible, doing everything from shooting a foot out in the hall to try and trip them to 'accidentally' knocking into them and shoving them into lockers. Ponyboy was also pretty sure that they were the ones who had spread the rumor that he had been the one to kill Lianne, a rumor he didn't even let himself think about lest he give in and follow through on his threat to put a matching hole in Randy's back.

He had nightmares about it though, waking up at two or three in the morning with his face buried in the pillows so deep he couldn't breathe before sitting up, gasping for air and trying not to wake Soda. Sometimes he'd scoot closer to his brother, desperate to feel some kind of comfort, and his brother would usually mutter something and throw an arm around him, asking if he was okay while still half asleep.

Once or twice though, Soda had woken up. The first time, Pony had been curled up as close as he could get, shaking so hard his teeth had chattered. He'd tried to stop, not wanting to wake his brother, but Soda had stirred after a minute, an arm going around Pony's shoulders before he'd even been fully awake.

"Pony?" he'd muttered, and Ponyboy had felt him shift, a hand rubbing his back. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he'd whispered, but of course Soda hadn't believed him…Pony hadn't given him any reason to considering how hard he'd been shaking…and how close he'd pressed himself to Soda, like he was hoping his brother would protect him from monsters in the room…just like when they'd been little kids.

Soda would always protect him.

But he hadn't.

Soda hadn't pushed him to talk like Pony had feared he would. Instead, he'd tightened his arms around him, making sure he was covered by the blanket, and he'd rubbed circles over his back until he'd drifted to sleep once more, this time sleeping until morning.

Some nights, though, Ponyboy would give up on sleep and get out of bed, slipping out of their house and standing on the back porch for a while, taking deep breaths of the cool morning air and doing his best not to think about the thirteen-year-old girl who'd died out behind a bar.

On some of those mornings, he'd find Rita on their sofa, sound asleep, and he was always careful not to wake her. She mostly stayed at Two-Bit's place though, and Steve's dad seemed to be laying off some since he usually slept at his own place now, so most of the time, he was able to sit outside on his own until he worried about waking one of his brothers or falling asleep on the porch, and he'd head back inside.

"We could go to the DX. See if Sodapop will buy us some sodapop."

Two-Bit's words pulled him out of his thoughts and he grinned a little at his math homework, but didn't rise to the bait.

"I'll bet we could get Johnny to come too. I'll distract his teacher, you get his attention…I got my car fixed, so I can drive us. Sure beats walking home, don't it?"

"Thirty-five more minutes, Two-Bit. You can do it."

His friend huffed out a sigh, tapping his pencil on his desk until the teacher shot him a look.

"If you do your math homework now, you won't have to do it later."

This time his sigh was even louder and Pony glanced over to see him rolling his eyes. But he did pull out his text book, grumbling under his breath the whole time as he started scribbling out the problems on the paper. Two-Bit wasn't dumb, Pony knew. He didn't even mind school…it was the actual school work part he seemed intent on not doing. But he'd promised his mom that he'd graduate, and it seemed this year he was actually going to try and make good on that promise.

Pony focused on his own work, yawning into his hand and fighting to keep his eyes open. The night before had been another restless one, and he'd woken up at two in the morning. It had taken him hours to fall asleep again, and he just wanted to go home and drop onto the sofa…sleep until his brothers made him get up. So he planned on finishing his homework first, then doing just that.

When he yawned again, Two-Bit glanced over, lifting an eyebrow. "You get any sleep last night?"

"Couple of hours," Pony admitted, looking back down at his work.

Two-Bit didn't ask him any more about it, not when they were in class, but once the bell rang and they were on their way out the front doors, the two of them heading to his car, he turned to Ponyboy. "You been having those nightmares?"

"Just couldn't sleep," he lied, shrugging a little.

Two let it go, turning and grinning at Johnny who joined them, backpack thrown over his shoulder. It was Thursday, so he had to work, and Two-Bit had offered to drop him off even though he still had almost an hour before he had to be at work. Susie would get a ride with him sometimes too, but Two-Bit told them that she was going to a girlfriend's house after school, so he'd pick her up later. They all climbed into the car, Pony in the front, and him and Johnny grinned when Two-Bit floored it, trying to race a Corvette out of the parking lot. Johnny grabbed the door handle like he might bail out, but he was laughing, eyes bright as they sped out just a few seconds before the socs did.

The guys driving the Corvette flipped them off and sped around them once they were out on the road, and for a second it seemed like Two-Bit might try to catch up, but he just laughed and settled somewhere around the speed limit.

"Johnny, those two assholes been bothering you?"

"Nah, not really. I haven't seen them around much."

Johnny had most of the same classes as Steve, so they were able to watch each other's backs. Bob and Randy were in all honors classes of course, and Pony was glad they were a year ahead of him so he didn't have to deal with them in his own honors classes. There were plenty of other socs in his classes, but none of them seemed overly interested in him, other than the handful who called him a greaser when he walked by, and he figured that after everything else, he could deal with that.

Two-Bit dropped Johnny off at the grocery store, then turned to Pony. "You want to stick around for a while? I'm gonna hang around and give Rita a ride home."

Ponyboy knew that Two had been giving Rita rides home a lot lately, and that they sometimes went out to dinner when he picked her up, but as far as he knew, they weren't dating or anything. Not that it was any of his business. Sure he felt like he ought to look out for her, but all the guys did too, and Two-Bit was nothing like Richard or her ex. He wouldn't hurt a girl.

"That's alright. I'm gonna head home. Say hi to Rita for me."

"Will do, kid."

Sticking his hands in his pockets, Pony closed his fingers around his knife, keeping an eye out as he walked the couple of blocks home. It wasn't too far, so he didn't really have to worry, and when he got home, he had every intention of starting dinner after he finished reading. Instead, he kicked his shoes off and lay on the sofa, book for English class in hand, and the next thing he knew, someone's hand landed on his shoulder.

Pony jerked awake, his whole body going stiff as he pulled back, face turned away. He didn't even think…his body moved without him meaning to, and he was about to jump up and make a run for it when his brain caught up to the rest of him. He was in his living room. On the sofa. He'd never slept on the sofa at Richard's house…had barely gone into the living room at all. Looking up, wide-eyed, he saw Darry, his face pale as he held both hands up as if in surrender. But before his brother could apologize for something that he shouldn't have to be sorry for, Pony made himself laugh a little.

"Hey…did I fall asleep?" Obviously he had, but he didn't want to talk about what had just happened and it seemed Darry was willing to play along because he nodded real slow, dropping a careful hand back onto Ponyboy's shoulder.

"Yeah. It's almost six. You feel okay?"

"I'm fine. Just sat down to do homework…" he yawned, rubbing his hand over his face. "I was gonna start dinner. Sorry." He'd known it was a bad idea to lay down and try to read, but he'd just been so damn tired…

"That's alright…" Darry trailed off, looking like he wanted to say something. Instead, he pressed the back of his hand against Ponyboy's forehead. Pony grimaced but didn't move out of the way like he wanted to. He didn't have a fever…he felt fine apart from how tired he was, but he sure didn't want to irritate Darry.

Besides, the feeling of his brother's hand on his forehead and the concerned look on his face made something in him relax, and he couldn't help remembering the countless nights when this was all he'd wanted…when he would have given anything to have his big brother sitting in front of him and worrying about him.

"You finish your homework?"

"Yeah." He did remember that…he'd gotten most of it done in study hall and had read the chapters he needed for English class. "I was gonna make meatloaf. That okay?"

"Sure."

Instead of dropping into his chair or even heading to the bathroom to take a shower like he'd expected, Darry followed him to the kitchen, pulling out ingredients, the two of them working in silence for a moment to get dinner ready. Pony's plans to skip the vegetables went out the window when Darry pulled out the frozen peas and grabbed a pot to boil them.

"School going okay?"

"Yeah. It's fine." Pony hesitated, then decided to remind him. "Track tryouts are tomorrow after school."

"You still want to try out?"

"Figured I might as well since you got me those shoes and all."

Darry grinned a little.

"I'll have to get a physical and stuff though."

"That's fine."

Pony remembered the last time he'd gone to the doctor and grimaced. He really didn't want a physical…didn't want to have to take his shirt off or anything. He'd managed to avoid it up until now, except when he'd gone to the doctor the first time, and he knew he'd have to wear short sleeves to run the next day. Still, he thought, he'd cross that rapidly approaching bridge when he came to it.

Soda burst into the house not too long after Pony had put the meatloaf into the oven, and he dodged on instinct when he brother went to ruffle his hair, shoving him away and laughing when Soda went for him again, trying to put him in a headlock.

Sometimes it was kind of like he was standing outside himself and watching…like his life was a play, and he had to direct himself. Don't flinch away when one of your friends or Soda wrestles with you. They're just playing. They aren't really going to hurt you. Don't think about the man that hurt you every time he touched you. This isn't like that. This is normal. This is fun.

He'd always loved roughhousing with Soda and Darry and the guys, and before they'd do it until their mom would give them an exasperated look and tell them to take it outside, but she'd always been smiling as long as they didn't break anything. It had made their parents laugh to see Soda and Pony work together to pin Darry, or to see Darry grab one of them and carry them around. They hadn't had siblings…they'd both grown up alone…

He forced himself to snap out of it, like he was jumping back into his own body when Darry grabbed Soda by the back of his work shirt, pulling him off Pony where he'd had him pinned and was slugging him on shoulder.

"You two are gonna break something, I swear," he grumbled, but he was smiling, and Pony and Soda moved together like they'd planned it, trying to pin him. It didn't work though, and he just shoved Soda towards the bathroom. "Go clean up for dinner! And as for you," he turned back to Pony who turned, about to make a run for it, but Darry got an arm around him, knuckles digging into his head for a minute.

"He started it!" Pony cried, squirming and slipping out of his brother's arms. Darry let him go, laughing to himself and shaking his head as he went back to stirring the peas.

He glanced over at his brother as he headed into the living room, wondering suddenly why it had been so hard to get along with him before. Was it because he'd thought Darry had hated him? Because he'd been terrified of being sent away? No, he thought, shaking his head. That wasn't all there was to it. Darry was different…or, he was kind of like he'd been before. Still real serious. But before their parents, he and Ponyboy had been closer... at ease with each other. Pony had always looked up to him, and Darry had looked out for him. They'd been friendly. And yeah, Darry was still stressed a lot of the time, but Ponyboy couldn't help noticing that he was a little different now. Less likely to yell…hell, he almost never yelled anymore, and never at Ponyboy.

Was that just because of how Pony was now? Was it because he was different?

Would he ever be normal again? Would Darry go back to being mad at him all the time? The thought hurt even more than he'd thought it would, and he wondered if he'd ever be able to talk to the therapist about that. He figured it'd be easier with her than it would be with Soda or any of the guys, even Johnny.

But he still didn't want to.

Pony hadn't snuck away to go to therapy again…hadn't been able to bring himself to after how upset Sodapop had been that first time. If he was going to act normal, that meant he had to let Soda come with him, even though he knew his brother couldn't be having fun, sitting in that waiting room for an hour every week. He'd assumed that after the first time or two, he'd want to make other plans, but apparently he was in it for the long run.

He'd thought about asking that doctor how long they had to keep meeting, but he knew it had to be for longer, since they'd barely gotten into any kind of hard questions yet. He'd talked some about how him and Darry used to argue, and he'd admitted to being worried about track and not making the team. He'd talked some about school too, but had left off anything about those socs, not wanting to talk about Bob and Randy and the threats they'd made.

Ponyboy tried not to be too quiet at dinner…he answered questions his brothers asked about school and track and told them that Two-Bit actually seemed to be doing his homework this year. He asked them about work, and he tried to stay focused when they answered, but he could tell they were exchanging glances when he wasn't looking. They didn't say anything though, so when dinner was over he left Soda to do the dishes and watched TV in the living room with Darry who read his newspaper like always. Sodapop joined them when he was done, dropping onto the sofa beside him, and everything felt okay. That's what Pony had to keep telling himself.

Everything was okay.

This was normal.

The next day seemed to drag on, and he found himself tapping his pencil against his leg during study hall, his nerves a ball in his stomach. That morning he'd barely managed to choke down any of his cereal, dumping most of it before Darry could notice. Soda had been practically sprinting out the door, him and Darry riding together to work, and once more, Steve had showed up to give Ponyboy a ride. He'd been doing that every few days, and Pony tried not to irritate him so much that he'd stop.

Still, it was weird.

Steve had watched him pour most of his cereal into the trash before dropping his bowl into the sink. He hadn't said anything, but he'd watched Pony a little too closely for a minute.

At lunch, he'd been too anxious to eat anything, and he'd picked at his food, glad it was just him and Johnny. Steve was somewhere with Evie, and he had no idea where Two-Bit was. He didn't ask either, too focused on his own nerves, but his friend had showed up for study hall, sitting in his usual spot beside Ponyboy in the back corner. Pony hadn't seen him since homeroom, and he glanced up, hoping for a distraction, but his friend just pulled out his science textbook and started skimming the text, looking bored.

Pony suspected he might have gone to see Rita but he didn't ask, not wanting to bug him about it when he had his own stuff to worry about.

He was surprised when, after the final bell rang, Two-Bit stuck with him, going out through the side door by the gym and towards the track. Ponyboy gave him a questioning look, but his friend just stuck his hands in his pockets and grinned at him a little, lifting an eyebrow, the two of them walking together until Ponyboy gave in.

"What are you doing?" Pony finally asked.

"Thought I'd check out track tryouts. See if you're as good as they say you are."

Pony rolled his eyes. "Who said I was any good?"

"You're the youngest kid on the A team, so just about everyone."

"You ain't gotta stick around. I'll be fine walking home. I've got a blade," he reminded him.

"Shut up and get changed kid," Two ordered, pushing him towards the outbuilding that held the locker rooms and heading toward the bleachers. Pony wanted to argue. It was bad enough he had to wear a t-shirt for this. The uniform was a tank top, but he knew he'd be able to get away with a t-shirt for tryouts…still, that wasn't much better. And he hated that a bunch of strangers and his coach and the couple of guys he knew on the team would see, but it was worse if Two-Bit saw somehow.

He didn't want anyone to see. But if he wanted to run track he had to wear the uniform.

What had James said? The sooner he did it, the sooner it would be over.

Ponyboy didn't look at anyone as he yanked his long-sleeved shirt off and pulled on the t-shirt he'd grabbed that morning…he was pretty sure it had been Soda's at some point, but he couldn't remember for sure. He felt sick as he pulled his shorts on, then stared down at the pristine white running shoes Darry and Soda had bought him.

They had to have been expensive. Darry and Soda had probably saved up for them.

So, he thought, gritting his teeth, he wasn't going to let them go to waste.

Not looking down at himself or even letting himself look at anyone else, Pony hurried out to the track with the other guys, nodding hello to the couple of guys he knew and had talked to before. He had no idea if their eyes strayed down to his arms…he didn't let himself make eye contact. He glanced over at the bleachers and found Two-Bit lounging at the top, arms crossed, like he might just go to sleep, but Ponyboy wasn't fooled. He was keeping a close eye out for some reason. Still, his friend couldn't see his arms from that far away, he knew. That thought, at least, made him feel a little better.

The coach introduced himself, giving the same speech he'd given the year before, and Pony let himself tune it all out, his whole body shaking with the anxiety that made it impossible to focus. He felt….off. Tired. Maybe because he hadn't slept well the night before, waking up at 4 from nightmares he could, unfortunately, remember just fine. He'd huddled beside Sodapop, the blankets up over his head like he was a little kid hiding from monsters, and Soda had slept on, oblivious, protecting him without knowing it.

When it came time to run, Pony got into position, fingers touching the ground, forcing himself back to the present. He was going to do this. He was going to run, and he was going to make the team, and things were going to go back to normal, and everything would be fine.

And so, when the coach blew his whistle, he ran.

He ran without thinking…without letting himself think. He ran, arms pumping, head spinning, but it didn't matter because he was fast. He'd always been fast, faster than Soda and even Darry…faster than the things that chased him. When he was running, he didn't have to think about his arms or his back, or the fact that hearing their screen door slam or watching his brother take off his belt made him feel so sick he thought he might throw up. That he didn't even feel safe in his own house half the time because Richard seemed to lurk around every corner, and because Lianne watched him, sad and scared and reproving, just out of sight.

Why hadn't he saved her? Why hadn't he tried harder?

For now, all he had to do was run.

He won two of the races, and placed in the top five in all the others, ignoring the way his head spun, and the way he felt like he might drop to his knees on the track because by the end of practice, they didn't want to support him anymore. Two-Bit cheered for him every time, whooping and hollering, and the other guys all laughed a little, shaking their heads at him, most of them knowing Two-Bit Matthews at least by reputation.

Tryouts lasted almost an hour, and by the time Pony half stumbled into the locker room, he'd almost forgotten about his arms. He was one of the last guys to shower, pulling his long sleeved shirt back on and then finally giving into the urge to sit on the bench by the lockers. A couple of guys waved to him as they headed out, one of them shouting that it was good to have him back, and Pony wanted to thank him or something, but all he could do was grin and wave and try to stay upright, elbows resting on his knees as his head drooped and blood roared in his ears.

And then Two-Bit was standing over him, brow furrowed in concern. "Kid, you okay?"

Pony stared up at him for a long time, wondering what he was doing there before nodding, realizing his friend had asked him a question. "Yeah," he muttered, wiping a shaky hand over his eyes. His heart was pounding too fast, seeming to echo in his ears. Ever since he'd sat down, he'd realized how loud it was beating.

His friend stared at him for a minute, still looking real worried for some reason, then held out a hand. "Come on, Pony. Let's get you home…you ain't looking too good."

"I'm fine," he told his friend, trying to brush him off. "Just needed to sit for a second."

"Okay…you sat. You've been in here for almost half an hour. Everyone else is gone."

Gone…yeah, that made sense, he thought, since he hadn't heard anyone talking for a while. He'd gotten changed…he knew that much. He'd covered his arms back up. No one could see his arms. And he'd done good. He'd run as fast as he could and tryouts were over. So now…now he needed to go home…right? He opened his eyes, looking for a moment at his friend's hand.

"Yeah," he agreed, even though Two hadn't asked him anything, taking his hand and jumping to his feet like everything was normal.

And then he was on the floor.

He wasn't sure exactly how he'd gotten on the floor but Two-Bit was swearing up a storm and patting him on the cheek, fingers pressing into his neck.

"Ponyboy! Kid! Hey, wake up!" he called, shaking his shoulder.

His heart was beating too fast, breaths coming in pants like he was still running, and when he opened his eyes, dark spots danced in his vision for a moment. He had to blink a few times before they disappeared and he was left staring up at his friend, the world spinning so fast it made his head feel fuzzy as he squinted past the fluorescent lights. "Two? What are you doing?" He grimaced, starting to push himself up, but Two-Bit planted a hand on his shoulder, looking almost mad.

Why was he mad?

"What?"

"What the hell, kid?" Two-Bit snapped, gripping his shoulder and dropping his chin to his chest for a second, looking exhausted.

"Why are we on the floor?"

His friend's eyes went wide. "Because you…you just dropped! Jesus, Ponyboy…" He shook his head, taking a second like he was trying to gather himself. Then something seemed to occur to him. "When was the last time you ate something?" he asked, jaw tight, stormy eyes so intense Pony had to look away.

"I…I ate lunch."

"No you didn't. Johnny told me you barely ate two bites!" Two-Bit grabbed both his shoulders, helping him sit up, and Ponyboy had to blink hard, trying to make those black spots go away. The world kept spinning too fast, but Two-Bit's hands on his shoulders helped to ground him. "What's going on?"

His voice left no room for argument, and Ponyboy was too dizzy and out of it to try and lie. "I ain't hungry."

"Kid…"

But Pony went on, not looking him in the eye, but looking just past him at the lockers, his voice dull and flat. The words came and he couldn't stop them. He was so tired of lying to everyone, and he couldn't make himself do it right now.

"Not hardly ever…I was hungry all the time at first. In that house. They didn't let us eat and I was so damn hungry." He didn't tell his friend the lengths he'd gone to to find food…he couldn't. The shame was still too heavy for him to admit he'd dug through the trash, he'd been so desperate for something to eat. "Half the time they gave us their fucking table scraps like we were dogs. And Mark and Tyler, they gave me some change when they could, but they almost never had any."

Two-Bit was frozen, so quiet it was like he was barely breathing, but Ponyboy had started and he couldn't stop. Not until he tried to explain. Because he didn't want to be like this either, but he didn't know how to stop.

"Then…then I wasn't hungry anymore. I just…it went away. I'd forget to eat until I had to…until I got sick. I'd try to remember because if he was going to beat the shit out of me every night, I had to be able to get back up…for Rita. But at the end…glory Two-Bit, I didn't care if I got back up."

Two wrapped his arms around him, so suddenly it made him jerk back to attention, eyes focusing again. He was shaking, and after a second he dropped his forehead against his friend's shoulder, too exhausted to do anything else. Swallowing back tears, he closed his eyes.

He hadn't meant to say any of that. He'd mean to come up with some kind of lie. Why the hell had he said all that?

When he spoke again, his voice was weak, hoping they could just move past it…forget he'd ever said anything. "Be a pal and don't tell Darry and Soda. Please. They'll freak out and…and they've got enough to worry about."

His friend sighed, pulling away and looking at him so close Pony wanted to dig a hole and hide. He didn't need Two-Bit knowing exactly how messed up he was.

Still, after a second, his friend nodded. "Yeah, I'll keep my mouth shut. On one condition."

Pony had a feeling he already knew what it would be, but he waited anyway.

"You've gotta eat. Okay? I mean it, kid. You have to. Every meal. Three a day. And if I catch you skipping one, I will snitch to your brothers so fast it'll make your head spin, savvy? I will sing like a goddamn canary."

He nodded, lips twitching into a small smile, not sure he'd be able to follow through but knowing his friend would. "Yeah. I dig."

Two put a hand on the back of his neck, squeezing gently like Darry would. Or like his dad had.

"Alright kid. Let's get you out of here. Can you get up?"

"Yeah." Pony spoke with more confidence than he felt, taking his hand and letting his friend pull him up, not about to spend anymore time on the floor even though he swayed a little. The last thing he needed was someone else coming in and finding him like this.

Two-Bit put an arm around his shoulders, casual as anything as he led him out of the locker room and then to his car. His friend didn't say anything until he was pulling into a drive through, and even then, it was just to order cheeseburgers. He parked, handing one to Pony and digging into his own, but Ponyboy wasn't fooled. Two-Bit was watching him, and they weren't going home until Pony ate. So he did, forcing himself to chew and swallow, and after a few bites that seemed to sit in his stomach like lead, he realized he was kind of hungry…and that it tasted good.

So he ate the burger, and then the fries that Two-Bit pushed toward him, and only then did his friend drive him home.

Chapter Text

"How have you been feeling?"

The question shouldn't have been hard to answer, but as Ponyboy sat across from Doctor Song, he thought about the nightmares that made it almost impossible to sleep through the night, and how he'd nearly collapsed after track practice, and part of him wanted to scream.

How did he feel?

He felt…displaced. Like an actor playing himself. Like something broken that could never be fixed. He felt scared, all the time. He felt sick from the breakfast he'd made himself eat. He felt like the world was pressing in on him, all of his worries overlapping until it was almost impossible to think.

And he couldn't help the thought, as Darry and Soda watched him like they were waiting for him to break; maybe he never should have come back.

"I'm fine. How are you?"

Doctor Song smiled, friendly and a little bemused. "I'm doing well, thank you. I saw Soda in the waiting room. Are things with your brothers going okay?"

Pony nodded. They were…fine. Sodapop seemed glad that he wasn't fighting him on going with him to the doctor's office, and although he and Darry never asked how therapy was going, they were still around, seeming like they'd listen if he wanted to talk. He never did, though. It was almost impossible to talk to his therapist, so there was no way he'd be able to talk to his brothers. Not when every word he had to say would hurt them more and more.

Why hadn't they found him?

Why hadn't he tried harder to tell them how bad it was?

Why hadn't he tried harder to save Lianne?

"Yeah. We're all getting along and everything. Darry has to work today, but he's off tomorrow."

"And school? How is that going?"

"It's fine. I tried out for track yesterday. I think it went good." That was a bit of an exaggeration but that was fine. No one needed to know he'd passed out afterward, or that he was pretty sure Two-Bit would be watching his every move for a while to make sure he was eating.

"I'm glad to hear it." She shifted in her seat, leaning back a little. "We've talked a lot about your friends and family. You all seem very close. But I know that you were sent to a facility before being placed into foster care."

He felt his stomach drop. So…they had to talk about this now? To be honest, he'd hoped they could talk more about Darry and Soda, or even school. Hell, he'd tell her about passing out after track if it helped. But he didn't think she was going to be distracted. And his social worker had told Darry that he had to see this doctor…so if he refused to talk, would they get in trouble?

Would they take him again?

Feeling vaguely sick, like he was stuck in a trap, back against the wall, he nodded. "Yeah."

"That must have been really hard. To be separated from your family."

He swallowed hard, his mouth suddenly dry. "Uh…yeah. It…it sucked."

"Your file said that because of your social worker's mismanagement of your case, you weren't able to contact your brothers while you were separated from them."

He nodded again, but he knew he'd have to say something or she'd just keep trying and if he refused it might get him in trouble and they might take him away again and…and just that thought made his stomach churn. "I…I uh…I did, though. Twice at the boy's home. And once when I was with…when I was in that foster home." He shrugged, looking away and telling himself he couldn't get in trouble for it now. "I wasn't supposed to but…I snuck and did it. I called the gas station where Soda works so…so I was able to talk to him for a couple of seconds."

"I see. Did talking to your brother help at all?"

He shook his head, clenching his jaw so hard it hurt. "Not really. It just…it made me miss them more."

Those days had been some of the worst…not as physically painful as that foster home, but the waiting…the hoping, every morning, that he'd get to see his brothers again, and then going to bed every night and knowing another day had passed…it had hurt so bad he hadn't been able to stand it. Other kids had gotten to see their families! They'd gotten to at least visit! Then, after he'd heard Soda's voice, it had just hurt more. Because he hadn't been able to see him…hadn't even been able to talk to Darry after everything. And those same fears had been ever-present.

What if Darry didn't actually want him back? What if he'd given up? What if he was allowed to visit, but just didn't want to?

They kept talking, him giving out little bits of information, just a tiny piece at a time, and she was patient, ignoring the way his eyes watered a couple of times when he'd turn his face away, making it apparent that he didn't want to talk about that. He talked about easy stuff mostly…the schedule they were on, and how the school had been. How he'd tried as hard as he could, knowing Darry would be upset if his grades dropped.

Only Darry hadn't been. Not at all. He'd cared more that Pony was okay, and glory that just made him feel worse for some reason. Of course Darry had wanted him back. It was what he kept telling himself. Of course his brothers had missed him. What kind of person did it make him if he kept doubting it?

When the hour was up, he was shaking, hands clutched too tightly in his lap, eyes hot as he tried to push it all back down. He was fine, he reminded himself, but even as he thought it, he knew it was a lie. He'd told her all about that place. He'd told her about how alone he'd felt, and how bad he'd missed his brothers, and how he didn't think he'd spoken more than a handful of words to the other kids and teachers there. And now he just wanted to go back to bed. It was like he could feel it again, that aching, never-ending loneliness and hopelessness he'd felt in that top bunk as tears had poured down his cheeks at night…that pain so deep he hadn't known how he could survive it.

He'd never wanted to talk about it again…had never wanted to feel it again.

Doctor Song leaned in. "I can give you a moment alone if you need it."

He nodded, knowing that if he opened his mouth, he'd start bawling.

"I can leave the room for a moment if you prefer. Or would you like me to get your brother?"

He knew he ought to say no. He knew that calling Soda in was just going to hurt him and that he didn't need to be making his brother even more upset than he already was. He needed to get a grip. He needed to pull himself together and go out there and act normal!

But he nodded anyway.

The door opened, and he could hear her soft voice as she spoke to his brother, and a few seconds later, hesitant footsteps approached. Soda stood beside the couch for a second, but Pony didn't dare look at him. Finally, he sat, and Pony remembered calling the DX from the boys home, huddled in a corner and praying he'd get to hear Soda's voice just for a second before he was caught. He hadn't cared if they sent him to his room without food, or if they took away his time outside. He had just needed to hear Soda's voice.

But then, when he had, it had just made it hurt worse.

Soda's arm draped around his shoulders and he knew he ought to pull it together, but all he could do was turn, hiding his face in his brother's chest, a sob shaking him as he clutched at his shirt.

"Hey…it's okay," Soda murmured, holding him close, his voice soft and pained, and Ponyboy was so sorry. He was so sorry that he was hurting him. He was sorry that his brothers had to worry so much after everything that had happened…that this awful thing that had happened to them still wasn't over. But he needed just a second…or maybe a minute. Maybe a few minutes. But he could do it. He could pull himself back together and act normal and finally stop hurting his brothers.

"I missed you so much," he whispered, wishing he could stop but not being able to. "I missed you so much, Soda, I couldn't hardly stand it."

Soda nodded, rocking him back and forth like he was a little kid. "I missed you more than anything, Pone," he whispered. "I must have cried myself to sleep every night, you know? Darry too…some tough greasers we are, huh?"

Pony laughed through his tears, his chest loosening a little. "The toughest," Pony agreed, grinning when Soda put a hand on the back of his head. How many times had he cried himself to sleep at that boy's home, wishing he could have this? Even now, though, it was like he wasn't supposed to be doing this. Not now, when his brother was already so worried about him.

"I love you so much, kid."

He nodded, trying to stop crying like such a baby. He was fine now, he reminded himself. Safe. With his brothers again. There wasn't anything to cry about.

But the memories, when they came up, seemed to be just as bad as the actual thing had been, and he couldn't stop remembering how much it had hurt to lay in that top bunk, wishing so hard for his brothers. So, feeling selfish, he kept clinging to Soda until the pain and the fear had eased up a little and he could breathe normally again.

Soda didn't act like he minded though, just held him. Just talked to him, his voice soft as he rocked him a little. "I'm right here, Pony," he murmured. "You're home, kiddo. You don't ever have to go away again. You're stuck with me."

"What about college?" Pony asked, smiling despite himself, and Soda's arms tightened around him.

"Heck, Pony, I'll go with you." That made him laugh, and Soda squeezed him one last time, patting his shoulder. "You want me to get Darry up here?" He looked like he was half kidding, but Ponyboy shook his head anyway, laughing a little and running a hand through his hair.

"Nah. I'm alright. He's at work."

"He'd come in a second if you needed him to." Soda hesitated, gripping his shoulder. "You know he missed you too, Pony. I never saw him that upset before…not even after Mom and Dad. He missed you so much. I ain't kidding about him crying either. He was torn up."

Why didn't he find me then?

Pony shoved that thought away, hard. He wouldn't ask that, not ever. What kind of ungrateful asshole would he be, asking something awful like that?

"I know…he don't hardly yell anymore. Never gets on me about anything." He swallowed hard, dropping the teasing tone. "I never believed you. Before…when you told me how much he loved me, or when you said he was just stressed out, and that's why he yelled." His voice died a little but he tried to smile. "I should have believed you. I wish I'd listened."

Soda didn't say anything, just nodded and squeezed his shoulder.

"I really thought he hated me," he whispered, telling himself he needed to stop talking.

"He didn't. Not ever."

"I know."

He had to stop. Because if he started talking about how exactly he'd figured out how it felt when someone actually hated him, he'd have to talk about Richard, and he couldn't stand the thought of bringing him up. And he could tell that Soda wanted to talk more, but he couldn't do it. So he wiped his eyes and swallowed. "We better go before she kicks us out. She's probably got to see other people."

Soda nodded. "Alright, kiddo. Why don't we go get something to eat? I don't know about you, but I sure could use a chocolate milkshake."

And although Ponyboy wasn't even remotely hungry, his stomach still a tight ball of anxiety, he nodded. Partially because he really did like chocolate milkshakes, but mostly because that was one meal taken care of that Two-Bit couldn't get on him for missing.

"Yeah…okay. As long as you're paying, I guess."

Sodapop grinned, shoving him a little as he jumped to his feet, and Pony followed, ducking into the bathroom before they left the building and washing his face off. He guessed it wasn't too bad that Soda had seen him crying. He'd cried plenty in front of his brothers at this point, but he sure didn't want random people on the street to know he was being such a baby.

They went to the same diner as before, and the air between them felt lighter. Pony was kind of surprised at that. He'd figured Soda would be more upset after he'd cried all over him, and that he'd be more worried than before. Instead, Soda was all smiles and laughter as he told Ponyboy stories about the DX and the tuff car he'd worked on a few days ago. Pony was content to listen for the most part, forcing himself to eat the food and drink his milkshake.

He was pretty sure Two-Bit would eventually spill the beans about what had happened after track tryouts, but he wasn't about to give him a reason to.

They headed home then, and Pony figured Soda would meet up with Steve and go do something pretty soon. He didn't ask, though, not wanting his brother to think he was trying to get rid of him or anything. But Pony thought he might try to find Johnny if he hadn't picked up a shift at the grocery store and hang out with him or something. Maybe go to a movie or go to the library. Pony rolled his eyes at himself, grinning a little as he ran up their steps. He sure had gotten boring, Soda was right about that.

Just as he was wondering what Dally was up to, Soda called for him, their screen door shutting softly and deliberately behind him.

"Yeah?" he asked, poking his head out from the refrigerator where he'd been hoping they still had some Pepsi. He'd snagged the single bottle from the back that someone had probably hidden back there, and he popped the cap, taking a long swig.

Soda came into the kitchen, looking kind of hesitant, and Pony held out the soda. "Last one," he told him, and Soda grabbed it automatically but didn't take a drink.

"You've got mail," Soda told him, holding out an envelope. His brother was trying real hard to look unaffected, and as soon as Ponyboy took it, Soda tilted the bottle up and drank about half of the pepsi. Pony didn't really notice, though…just stared down at the envelope in his hands for a minute.

Sue Williams. It was a letter from Sue.

She'd written him back.

"Thanks," he muttered, folding it and sticking it in his back pocket.

"Sue is your old boss's daughter, right?"

Soda wasn't teasing him. That much was obvious. He was real serious, and curious, but that was all there was to it, and Pony told himself that it was fine to talk about her. He'd told him a little already. So he could tell him a little more.

"Yeah. That's her." He took the Pepsi back and drained the rest of it. "I wrote her a couple of weeks ago. Just…wanted to explain, since she was so nice to us, and then we left without saying goodbye."

Sodapop nodded, thoughtful. "What does she look like?"

He shrugged. "I didn't exactly take her picture, Soda. She looks like a girl." That wasn't true. If pressed, he was pretty sure he could describe her real well. But then he hesitated, remembering something. "I drew her," he offered, and Soda perked up.

"Can I see?"

"Yeah, sure." He didn't usually mind showing Soda his drawings since he didn't tease him like Two-Bit did sometimes, pretending there were naked girls in his notebook or something. Two-Bit never got to see any of his drawings anymore, not even the ones he'd done of him. Pony went to his room, Soda right behind him, and he was careful to open it a couple pages in, well past the drawing he'd done of Lianne on the porch. Soda put a hand on his arm, trying to slow him down while he flipped through the pictures.

There was Johnny, the way he'd looked standing up on a ladder and looking down when they'd worked at that grocery store. All around them were shelves filled with boxes he hadn't given much definition to, much less drawn labels or anything, but you could tell it was a grocery store. On Johnny's apron, Pony had written "Pat" even though they hadn't had their pretend names on them. It had made Johnny laugh, regardless.

"Pat?" Soda asked softly, and Pony grinned a little, sheepish.

"I told everybody my name was Mike. Figured Ponyboy was too easy to remember. And uh…when Sue asked what Johnny's name was, I kind of panicked. Patrick was the first name that came to mind."

Soda huffed out a little laugh, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and tapping the paper. "That's a real good picture of him."

Pony just shrugged and turned the page, knowing what was next but not skipping it, even if they hadn't made it to Sue yet. When he'd drawn the view from the corner of the library they'd spent so much time in, he'd wanted to make it as detailed as possible. Every single book he'd been able to see was drawn and labeled, and the shelves extended to the end of the page. And in the middle was Johnny, curled up in his usual chair, looking engrossed as he read Dune.

James's living room was next, with the nest of blankets on the floor, a card game laid out on the coffee table. James sat cross legged on the floor…he still didn't know that Pony had drawn him…he'd been too embarrassed or maybe just shy to show him. Maybe he'd like it…maybe he'd think it was tuff. In the picture, his hair hung in his face as he stared at the cards in his hands, looking bored and kind of tired, the radio on the floor beside him.

Then the church. Pews filled with heads turned to the pastor in front. Ladies in nice dresses with white gloves, fanning themselves with funeral fans. Men in suits. Kids sitting still except for swinging legs, all of them from Pony's point of view from the very back of the church. And in the front, the pastor who had smiled and shaken his hand and told him it was good to see him.

Soda took all of it in like it was a window to somewhere he wished he could go, eyes raking over the drawings and flipping the pages himself, always hesitant, like he was waiting for Pony to stop him.

And then, finally, Sue.

Her eyes were bright and soft where she smiled, showing the gap between her front teeth, her hair in long braids that had taken him so long to draw and shade and get just right. He hadn't been able to capture in a sketch how dark her skin was, or how she had seemed to glow…he wasn't good enough. Maybe with paints and practice. He knew the ribbons braided into her hair were pink, but he hadn't had paints, and there was no reason to tell Soda that.

"Wow," Soda murmured. "You could draw people for money, you know that?"

Pony rolled his eyes. "I could not." He started to close the sketchbook but Soda stopped him, a hand on the page but not touching the drawing. He just looked at it for a long time, like he was trying to figure something out.

"You were right. She's real pretty."

Then he moved his hand and let Ponyboy close the sketchbook.

"I'd like to meet her. Your boss too…thank them for looking after my kid brother."

He dropped the sketchbook on the desk, fighting the urge to hide it away in a drawer. Soda wouldn't snoop in his stuff. He didn't have to hide it. "Their phone number is on the fridge," he reminded him.

"Yeah…but I wanna see where you worked. Your first job…and the first girl you ever spoke to."

Pony swatted him, making him laugh. "Go to the store where Johnny works. It's about the same. Speaking of girls, how about that one you were talking to at the race? I thought you got her phone number. Ain't you gonna call her or something?" He knew he was taking a risk, bringing up girls like this, but it had been a long time since Sandy, right?

"Nah. I figured I was too busy for girls…got too much other stuff going on."

Pony lifted an eyebrow and looked around their messy room. "Like what?" he asked, disbelief heavy in his voice, and Soda laughed, dropping onto the bed while Pony started gathering laundry they'd left strewn around the room. "What was her name?"

"Alice."

He nodded. He hadn't exactly paid much attention to the girl Soda had been talking to since he'd been mostly occupied with watching Tim and Dally, but he knew she'd been pretty. He hadn't recognized her though. "She go to our school?"

"Yeah…she's a senior."

"Has she come by the DX yet?"

Soda grinned. "A couple of times."

"She's gonna quit coming if you don't call her."

He snorted. "When did you become such an expert?"

Pony ignored him, carrying the laundry to the washer and dropping it all in. They'd been trying to keep the house clean since the people from the State were due to stop by any time, but with everybody coming and going all the time, it got kind of messy sometimes. When he came back into the bedroom, Sue's letter burning a hole in his pocket, Soda was still on the bed. He jumped up when Pony straightened the blankets though, helping him make the bed.

"How about this?" Soda asked, smiling a little. "I'll call my girl if you call yours."

Ponyboy threw a pillow at him, rolling his eyes. "I ain't got a girl, and neither do you."

Soda seemed to take the hint, laying off, and together they finished cleaning up the house. Darry would be happy, Pony thought, with one less thing to worry about, as long as they could keep the guys from making a big mess again. He wondered when the people from the state would come, and was going to ask Soda what he thought, but when he looked up from where he was drying his hands at the sink, his brother looked kind of antsy.

"What?" he asked, crossing his arms and leaning against the sink.

"I was gonna go meet Steve…"

"Okay. See ya." He started to head to his room, then paused when his brother didn't move. "What?"

"You want to come?"

Pony shook his head. "I'm gonna go meet Johnny in a little while," he told him. "Thanks, though."

"You can come if you want. You know?" Soda's voice was soft and earnest, and he was doing that thing again, moving slowly and being careful, and Pony hated that he even had to think about stuff like that. Before, Soda had never been like that. He was different now, just like Ponyboy was different, and he hated Richard even more for making his brother that way…for hurting him. For making things between them harder than they'd ever been before.

But he couldn't blame Soda…he'd screamed at him in the street just a few weeks ago when he'd tried to push him to talk about therapy. And he was so quiet now, quieter than before, and even though he didn't know how to fix it, he couldn't stand that Soda thought he had to be careful with him.

Or that he was right.

"That's alright," Pony assured him, trying to sound nonchalant. "Besides, there's got to be a limit on how much Steve will put up with me." He made himself laugh a little so it sounded like the joke he was trying for, and Soda nodded, but when he spoke, it was still real hesitant.

"You want me to stick around for a while?"

Pony smirked. "You scared I'm gonna burn the place down or…"

"I just…if you want me to stick around, I will." Soda was looking at him like he was trying to tell him something, and he knew that his brother wanted him to talk more. To tell him everything. To talk more about what he was talking about in therapy, and tell him all about Richard and Lianne and that house. But he couldn't do it. And he didn't want to. Maybe not ever. Earlier had been bad enough, and yeah, Soda had seemed okay, but he was doing his best to act normal and move past it all and he couldn't do that if he kept crying about it. Bad enough his therapist was making him. There was no reason for Soda to waste his whole day off worrying about him. So he grinned and pretended not to understand.

"I'm fine. I'll probably head out soon."

Soda sighed, nodding and reaching out to squeeze his shoulder. "Yeah…alright. See you tonight."

As soon as their front door shut, Pony hurried to his bedroom, shutting the door beside him and pulling out the letter. He was careful as he ripped open the envelope, hand shaking a little for reasons he didn't understand. The notebook paper was creased from being folded, then folded again in his pocket, but he didn't mind, eyes skimming over her small, neat handwriting.

Ponyboy,

That's some name, huh? It's a good one, though. Ponyboy and Sodapop and Darrel Curtis. I'd like to meet them sometime. See what they're like. I wish you had told me your real name. I was mad when you left. I can admit that. I showed up to work, and my dad told me that you and Patrick, or Johnny, as I guess I should get used to calling him, were gone, and I was mad, because I thought we were friends. Then you called, and I was still kind of mad, but I understood better. I get it now. I understand why you had to lie so much, and why you were having such a tough time. I can't imagine running away and being on my own like that. You both must be pretty brave. I knew you were both tough, especially after you stopped Peter and his friends from hurting Tessa and me that night at the store. And the first day we met…not a lot of guys would have stopped and did what you did. And I never really thanked you for that. But I was scared, and I'm glad you stopped and helped me, and I'm glad I met you, even if I was mad at you for a while.

I was really excited to get your letter, and I hope you'll write more. School just started, so I don't really work in the store much anymore. My dad doesn't want me working and going to school, even though I know he could use the help. I was jealous that Marcus went with James to visit you, but he came back and told me a lot about it. He told me about your friends, and how you guys are like him and his friends, like family. He told me he tackled your big brother in football, and how for a second he thought he was going to be mad, but how you all laughed. And how you guys let him stay on your couch. He said you were all tough, and that people around there call you greasers. But he also said you were good people, and that you looked after each other. I wish I could meet them too.

Things are going fine here. I'm a junior in high school too, and I have most of my classes with Tessa who you met at the store a few times, and at church. Do you know what you want to do after? I know I want to go to college. My dad wants me to stay close, but I was thinking about Howard University in Washington DC. That's where Tessa wants to go. Or maybe even further. I've never been far from New York, and I was to see the rest of the country. I thought I'd like to be a teacher, or maybe I could study English. I've always loved reading. It seems like you do too, since you and Johnny spent so much time at the library. What's your favorite book? I just read a book by Wilson Rawls about a boy and his dogs that was so good I read it twice. I saw Johnny was reading Dune, but I never could finish that one. I liked Valley of the Dolls too, which is new, but I had to borrow it from Tessa and hide it from my dad because they talk about drugs and stuff like that.

I'm sorry…Tessa always says I go on and on about books when I get started. I thought about throwing this paper away and starting over, but maybe you'll forgive me for writing so much about books because you like them too. We never really got to talk much, even though we worked together all the time, and if I'd known sooner that you liked to read, I probably would have talked your ear off about it.

I hope you'll write back and tell me if you passed your tests and how school is going. You can call too, if you want, even though it's long distance and you probably don't want to pay that. Anyway, write me back and tell me about Tulsa and your brothers if you want to, and tell Johnny hi for me. And tell him that I'll probably think of him as Patrick for a long time.

Sue Williams

Pony read through the letter twice, grinning a little more with each line, and he was glad that Sodapop had left, because even if he hadn't teased him before, he sure would if he saw him smiling and pouring over her letter so much. She had gone on about books, but he didn't mind, and he found himself wishing that they'd talked more in person…that he hadn't been so scared and sick half the time that he hadn't been able to talk to her and ask her stuff and have a real conversation with her.

So, figuring he had a little while before anyone would come looking for him, Ponyboy pulled out a blank sheet of paper and started writing out a reply.

He really was going to have to buy stamps. But he didn't mind.

Chapter Text

Brian

"Have you seen Two-Bit?"

Pony looked up at Johnny as he dropped into the chair across from him in the cafeteria, his tray smacking against the table and making him tense a little before he got ahold of himself. School, he reminded himself, pulling himself out of thoughts of track and back into the present.

That morning, the track coach had put the names up of everyone that had made the team, and his had been right there on page one. In his backpack, the permission slip felt like it was burning a hole through the fabric, and part of him wanted to just throw it away and forget about it. Because a permission slip meant telling Darry he had to have a sports physical and a sports physical meant another doctor.

"Hey…uh…I think he went to see Rita at lunch."

His friend hadn't confirmed it, but Ponyboy had walked with Johnny to the grocery store on Monday after school, and after parting ways, Ponyboy had stepped into the store where she worked, feeling out of place and kind of dumb, like someone was going to kick him out. It wasn't like he had a sister or a girlfriend or anything to buy clothes for, and even the thought of a girlfriend, which had brought to mind Sue and the letter he'd written her, had made his ears kind of hot.

"I know for a fact you don't have a sister," Rita had told him, approaching from the back with a smile that had immediately become pained, and he had known for a fact that both of their minds had flashed to Lianne.

Just you, he'd thought but hadn't said, because their relationship had always been more complicated than that. She was though…at least to him, just like Johnny was his brother.

"What brings you here?" she'd asked then, voice softer.

"Just walked Johnny to work and was heading home…thought I'd see how you were doing."

Together, they'd moved to a display of blouses in the corner, and although he didn't think there was any way her boss would think he was the kind of person to buy a blouse, no one said anything to them. "I'm okay," she'd told him with a smile that was surprisingly fond.

"Do you like working here?"

"It's not too bad. Pays alright. And…Keith usually brings me lunch." She'd said it hesitantly, like she wasn't sure she was supposed to be saying anything, but he'd nodded.

"Yeah, I heard him and Cathy broke it off."

She'd flushed a little, dropping her eyes. "It's not like that. He's just…he's nice."

"Yeah, he is," he'd told her, not wanting to push it. He couldn't help being kind of glad though. Out of all the people she could go with, he knew Two-Bit would always be nice to her. He wouldn't hit her or nothing like her last boyfriend had either. "Is he gonna walk you home?"

"I think so…he does most days."

"You seen that guy around?"

She'd shaken her head then, glancing at the windows like he might be out there. "I don't think so. Hopefully he's gone home."

The lady he'd guessed was her boss had moved a little closer then, and he'd jerked his head at her before backing towards the door.

"Yeah, alright. Call if you need to. One of us can give you a ride home or walk with you if you want." The words had made him think of that day he'd been jumped after the movies so long ago, and he'd wondered if things would have turned out differently if he'd taken someone up on that offer. "Really," he'd pushed when she'd started to wave him off, parroting the words. "None of us mind. Any of us would do it."

She'd looked at him, nodding slowly like she got it. "Okay. If he doesn't come by, I will."

That night, Two-Bit had driven her home, and Tuesday too. On Wednesday, Johnny had walked with her after work. Then, the night before, Pony had been sitting on the sofa, doing his homework, radio blasting, as Dallas had played solitaire without much interest, when the phone had rang. He'd grabbed it, rolling his eyes when Dally hadn't so much as made a move to turn the music down.

He knew that Two-Bit had gone out with Soda and Steve, none of them taking girls since they were going somewhere kind of rough…maybe Tim's. Ponyboy had been kind of surprised to find Dallas sitting on the floor in front of their coffee table when he'd gotten home, an open beer on the floor beside him, a piece of cake half eaten on the plate Ponyboy had doubted he would wash. He'd have expected Dal to go with the others…but he hadn't asked. He'd just dropped onto the sofa and gotten started on his homework, grinning when Dally had turned the music up.

They all knew he liked it loud.

"Hello?"

"Hi…it's Rita. Is this…" she'd trailed off.

"It's Ponyboy," he'd told her, pressing the phone closer to his ear to try and drown out the radio. "You okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine. I just…I just got off work and…and I don't think my ex is around but…"

"Give me a few minutes. I'll be right there."

That, finally, had caught Dally's attention, and he'd leaned over to turn the radio down just as Ponyboy had hung up the phone, cards forgotten on the table. "What's going on?" he'd asked, watching Ponyboy stand up.

"Rita just got off work. I'm going to head over and walk her back to Two-Bit's."

"Yeah, alright. Leave your brother a note and we'll go," Dally had told him, jumping up and looking bored. So, pushing back his own surprise and trying not to let it show on his face, Ponyboy had, figuring Darry would forgive him, especially since he was with Dal and not walking the streets alone.

On the way, Pony had decided to fill him in, telling him about her ex boyfriend, and how he'd been hanging around her store.

"That the one that gave her a balck eye?" Dally had wondered.

"Uh…yeah, I guess. I think she's only gone with the one guy." It wasn't like they'd ever talked about it, but as far as he knew, that was true.

"Point him out if you see him," he'd said, and that had been the end of the discussion until they'd reached the clothing store where Rita had been waiting for them. She'd smiled, looking happy to see them, and Ponyboy had wondered if maybe she had seen her ex around somewhere and she just didn't want to say. Still, Dallas had been unimpressed, crossing his arms and looking put out.

"Wait inside next time," he'd ordered, shaking his head.

She'd given him a surprised look, but then she'd seen Ponyboy grinning at the ground and she had too, obviously picking up on the fact that Dally wouldn't have bothered saying anything if he didn't care. "Yeah, okay. Sorry. I'll wait at that grocery store next time."

Dal had nodded, the three of them heading back towards Two-Bit's house without another word said about it.

When Pony had gotten home, Dallas trailing behind him, Darry had been starting dinner. Pony had almost expected his brother to get on him or something, but he'd just nodded hello, watching as Dally had dropped onto the sofa, turning the radio back up.

"Hey. Rita okay?"

"Yeah. Her ex is in town, and Two-Bit and Johnny weren't around. I told her to call if she needed someone to walk her."

His brother had nodded, looking down at the cake batter he was mixing, and Pony had wondered if he'd been thinking the same thing…about that last Friday Pony had been home, when he'd been jumped by those socs on the way home from the movies…how he hadn't called for someone to walk him home. Not wanting either of them to think about that anymore, Pony had stuck a finger in the cake batter, licking it and jumping away before Darry could smack him.

"Can you stop? At least wait for me to cook it!" Darry had snarked, rolling his eyes, but Pony had just grinned, making sure to stay out of reach when he opened the fridge and grabbed the milk, pouring himself a glass and resisting the urge to just drink from the carton. Darry did manage to catch him before he could stick his finger in the batter again though, giving him a push toward the living room. "Will you go away? From now on Soda can make the cakes and deal with you."

Pony had just grinned. "Yours are better!" He'd called over his shoulder and headed off to the living room then, but not before he'd caught his brother shaking his head and smiling a little down at the bowl.

See, he'd thought to himself. He could be normal.

Now he and Johnny finished their lunch, and he knew his friend was watching him real close, probably spying for Two-Bit to make sure he ate. He wouldn't doubt their friend had told Steve and Dally too, since it felt like everyone had been watching him closer than usual, which was saying something these days. But it was okay…he felt alright. He'd been eating at least a little for every meal, even if he wasn't real hungry, and the night before he'd eaten a whole slice of cake, which felt like an improvement.

"You want to head to the movies or something tonight? After I get off? I'll bet Dal and Two-Bit will come along too," Johnny offered as the two of them were carrying their trays to the trash. "We can walk Rita back to Two-Bit's place first."

"Sure." It was getting easier to accept when people invited him places. It was almost better to be out, but for different reasons than before. If he was with other people, he didn't have to think about worrying Soda, or how bad his brothers obviously wanted to talk about everything. "I'll check with Darry first, but I can meet you at the store?"

"Yeah, sounds good."

They both headed to class, and Pony did his best to pay attention. He knew he was doing real well in most of his classes, and the homework wasn't usually too hard. He could knock most of it out in study hall, him and Two-Bit working together in silence until Two lost interest and decided to bug him instead. Things were almost normal again, if he didn't count the ever-present nightmares about that house and Lianne, or the weekly therapy that left him feeling both lighter and somehow drained of energy, or how loud noises made him jump, or how Soda and Darry moved around him like he was a wild animal sometimes.

He could do this. He could be normal. Things could go back to how they had been before.

Johnny's last class of the day was PE, and Ponyboy met him by the doors to the gym, sidestepping Bob Sheldon who went to slam his shoulder against Ponyboy's as he passed.

"Greaser," he muttered, like it was a curse, his buddies all grinning nastily at him, and for a second Ponyboy wished they would just do it…just come at him. It might feel nice, he thought, to break Bob Sheldon's nose. To get him back for what he'd done…for what he'd caused. Instead, he took a step back, giving Bob a cold glare as he passed, then turning back to the doors to wait for his friend. He leaned against the wall, watching everyone leave until Johnny came out, eyes widening a little when he saw him. Then he grinned.

"Hey, man. You ready to go?"

"Yeah…since when is Bob in your PE class?"

"He had to sit it out last year since he was hurt. So I guess he's taking it now."

"Does he bug you or anything?"

Johnny smiled, knocking his shoulder against Pony's. "No, he sticks close to his buddies. Why? You want to beat him up?"

Pony shrugged. "Sure, if you want."

They both laughed, making their way out the front doors and down the sidewalk., passing the time by catching up. Pony told him that he'd made the track team, but didn't mention the physical, and Johnny told him about work until they parted ways. Since Johnny didn't get off until later, he had plenty of time to finish his homework, then check on Rita and see if she needed someone to walk her home. He had to admit to being kind of surprised that Darry hadn't minded him leaving the house on a school night like he had, but maybe, he thought as he started on homework, Darry would relax the rules a little now that he was older. He'd sure never been as strict with Sodapop who stayed out all hours and who came and went pretty much as he pleased. Then again, he didn't have school or anything, so Pony guessed that was a little different.

Soda got home before Darry, and by then, Pony was curled up on the sofa, reading a library book and trying to stay awake. The radio played softly in the background, mostly because he liked the noise but also to try and keep him from falling asleep, and his brother called out a greeting as he passed, kicking his shoes off and heading to the bathroom to take a shower.

"What are you up to tonight?" Soda called, glancing over his shoulder.

"Going with Johnny to the movies. Two-Bit might come too…and Dally. You want to come?"

"Nah. Me and Steve are gonna meet up with Tim and some of his guys." The shower turned on, but Soda kept talking, practically shouting over the water. "Maybe we'll do something tomorrow! Get something to eat and get the guys to play football or something!"

Ponyboy couldn't help noticing that Soda's plans always seemed to involve him eating somehow, but he didn't complain, checking the time instead. "Yeah, alright. That sounds good."

Darry came home then, taking his shoes off at the door and hanging up his tool belt. "Hey, Pony. Finish your homework?"

"Yeah. Is it alright if I go meet Johnny? We were going to see a movie. Probably walk Rita home too, if Two-Bit doesn't."

"Yeah, sure. Just be back before midnight. You eat?"

He hadn't, but he didn't think it counted since he still had time. "Not yet. We'll get popcorn at the movies."

He could tell Darry wanted to tell him to eat more than that, but miraculously he managed to stop himself. "I'll save you a plate just in case."

Pony wanted to tell him not to bother, but he didn't want to have that fight so he just nodded. "Okay. Thanks. Um…" he hesitated as he made his way to the door, trying to decide if he wanted to tell him now or later. "Can you sign the paper on the table? The permission slip for track?"

Darry's eyes widened. "You made the team?"

"Yeah. I gotta have a physical and everything, but the paper's on the kitchen table. See you later!"

Darry opened his mouth as if to call him back, but Pony was already out the door, hurrying out to the sidewalk and sticking his hand in his pocket, fingers closing around his blade. He still had money from New York, since he tried to never spend it except when he had to, so he didn't even have to ask his brother for money. He was going out with Johnny and the guys, and they were doing something totally normal. Darry wasn't mad at him, and Soda was going out with Steve. Everything was fine.

And then he passed the alley by Rita's store, freezing in place when he glanced to the side and saw her.

Her back was pressed to the brick wall, her hands clenched into fists like she was ready to fight. Her ex boyfriend stood too close, and he remembered Sue, her back against a different wall, and how she'd kneed that guy between his legs.

He remembered Rita, sitting up beside her pillows the first night he'd stepped into her room to sleep on the floor, looking terrified of him before he'd sat down at the foot of her bed.

He remembered Lianne, sobbing at night, because they were all younger after it got dark.

"Hey, Rita," he told her, making himself sound casual. He wasn't going to lose it. Not again…not like he had in New York. He was going to be calm. Cool. He was tough, and he looked mean, but he wasn't going to kill this guy, or beat him half to death. He was going to get Rita out of here and convince this guy to hit the road. "You just get off?"

He knew she had, and he figured Johnny was probably on his way to meet him so they could walk her back. Or maybe invite her to the movies. Did she like movies? He didn't know.

Rita didn't answer, but her eyes darted to him as he came to join her, moving forward just enough that he was between her and the guy who watched him with something like disgust. "How's it going, man? I'm Ponyboy."

"What the hell kind of name is that?" he scoffed, seeming taken aback for a second, and Ponyboy felt a thrill of anger that he shoved down hard. Then the guy narrowed his eyes. "I've seen you around…you and that red-headed asshole and that dark haired kid. You been talking to my girl?"

"I ain't your girl!" Rita snapped, but Pony didn't take his eyes off the guy that stood almost as tall as Darry, the two of them eye to eye.

"Come on, Rita." He said it with a smirk, and Pony had to fight the urge to punch him in the face for talking to her like he was being stupid. "Stop doing this. Come to dinner with me and…"

Pony slapped his hand away when he reached out for her, using a little more force than necessary, then stepping closer to him, Rita hidden behind his back. "I don't think she wants to go with you." He was still talking real quiet, his voice calm and reasonable, but he could feel something inside him ready to snap. This was Rita…she wasn't his foster sister anymore, technically, but she still felt like family, and he'd still do anything to protect her. "So why don't you head on home?"

"Why don't you mind your own business, asshole?" The guy shoved him into the brick wall, hard, and Pony was moving before he'd even decided to, swinging with a right hook that would make Dallas proud. Her ex boyfriend staggered and Ponyboy went in for another punch, knocking him back a few steps.

Turning to Rita and feeling the weirdest sense of deja vu, he pointed at the mouth of the alley. "Go!"

She did, racing off without hesitating unlike Sue, and Pony barely had time to turn around before a fist hit him in the side of the head so hard he staggered against the wall, seeing stars. Glory that guy could hit hard, and Ponyboy was pretty sure he was wearing a class ring. But before he could run after Rita, Pony reached out and grabbed his arm, giving him a hard shove and swinging at him again. From far away, he heard Rita talking to someone, but he was too busy ducking away from the fist coming at his face, and he threw himself at the guy's middle, taking them both down.

They grappled on the ground for a minute, both getting hits in, and the guy had just gotten him pinned, making him regret the decision to tackle him, when the guy was yanked off him. Pony managed to get himself back to his feet, ready to keep fighting, when he saw who it was that had stepped in.

Two-Bit had the guy up against the brick wall, a switchblade Pony hadn't seen before pressed to his throat.

"Who's your friend, kid?" Two asked, sounding almost friendly.

"Didn't catch his name," Pony told him, wiping his bloody nose and coming to stand beside him, wishing he could get another punch in. "He's a real asshole though."

"Yeah…that's what I thought. You got a name, pal?"

"Brian," he ground out, glaring at Two-Bit like he'd like to kill him, but his friend wasn't intimidated. He just grinned.

"Well, Brian, how about you get the hell outta town, huh? I don't think your ex-girlfriend wants to talk, and I gotta admit, I don't like you."

"Who the hell do you think you are? Fucking greasers! What are you doing with this trash, Rita?" Brian snarled, and Two-Bit glanced at the girl standing behind them, arms crossed.

"You okay?" Two-Bit asked her.

"I'm fine."

"I think Johnny's probably off by now. Pony, why don't you two go find him? I'll just be a minute."

Pony nodded, a hand on her shoulder steering him away from Brian and Two-Bit, not wanting her to see whatever was about to happen, no matter how bad he'd like to keep punching him…again and again until he couldn't move anymore. Until he couldn't ever hurt Rita again and she was safe. It wasn't until they reached the alley that she spoke, her wavering voice bringing him out of his dark thoughts.

"Are you okay?"

He blinked at her, kind of surprised. "Sure, I'm fine."

She stared at the ground, lips trembling, and his heart dropped.

"Hey, I'm okay. Really. Hell, he can't hit half as hard as…" He stopped himself then with a lurch, not able to believe he'd almost just made a joke about it. She looked up at him, wide-eyed, then shook her head.

"It's not fair…Ponyboy it's not fair that you keep having to do this for me," she whispered.

"Rita…you don't have to worry about me. I'm fine. We can all fight…we do it for fun sometimes," he told her, trying to grin.

"It's my fault."

"It's not." He shook his head, his hands on her shoulders, his eyes hot all of a sudden. He needed her to hear it even as he lowered his voice. "It was never your fault. None of it. Not then and not now. I…shit…I regret a lot of stuff, you know? A lot of stupid stuff I did. But I don't regret trying to help you. Not ever."

She gave him a trembling smile, cheeks going kind of red. When she spoke, her voice was barely a whisper. "I kind of wish you really were my brother, you know?"

He ran a hand through his hair, feeling his ears get hot, but he had to smile. "I mean…legally, I think I am."

She laughed at that, wiping her eyes, then, in a move that stunned him, she wrapped her arms around him. And yeah, they'd hugged when he'd come home and they'd first seen each other again. But this was different, somehow, and it took him a minute to hug her back, wrapping his arms tight around her like he could protect her…or maybe she could protect him. She got it…she was probably the only person that ever could, and for a second, he just wanted to cry into her shoulder like a little kid, and talk about all the awful shit that had been done to them, and ask her if it would ever be okay again.

If they would ever be okay again.

When he pulled back, Two-Bit was standing a few feet away, looking kind of grim. But when they looked at him, he smiled, crossing his arms and looking almost amused. "Glory, Ponyboy, can't you go a couple of days without getting in trouble?"

"Hey! I was winning that one!"

"Yeah, it sure looked it," he laughed, dropping a hand on his shoulder and getting a better look at him. "Your brother isn't gonna be happy." Rita blanched a little and Two-Bit hurried to go on. "Muscles gets a little testy when people mess with his family. Since that includes you now, he's gonna be twice as testy."

"I'm fine. Darry don't even need to know," Pony insisted, and Two-Bit lifted an eyebrow.

"Yeah, alright, you try hiding that busted lip from him and see how well that goes."

Pony tried to push that thought from his mind as they went to meet Johnny, figuring he'd deal with Darry's reaction later. But Johnny stopped short when he stepped out the front doors of the store, eyes widening when he caught sight of Pony's face.

"Man, what happened to you?" he asked as they fell into step behind Rita and Two-Bit.

"Rita's ex showed up and we got into it," Pony told him, trying to brush it off, and, seeming to realize he didn't really want to talk about it, Johnny just nodded.

"Yeah? You alright?"

"I'm fine."

And he left it at that.

The four of them got dinner that Two-Bit insisted on paying for, and then Dally joined them, making Johnny and Pony scoot over instead of crowding Two-Bit and Rita. Since she was with them, Dally toned down his usual swearing but still threw a few in, which Pony figured meant she fell somewhere between cousin and total stranger on the scale of girls Dally knew.

Maybe a friend. He wasn't sure Dally had ever been friends with a girl before. But he seemed to be doing okay.

After eating, and Pony had made sure to eat every bite, well aware of Two-Bit's eyes on him, they'd asked Rita if she wanted to come to the movies with them, and she'd agreed, seeming at ease just like she'd been when he and Johnny had taken her to dinner. It had been fun, Pony thought as he stepped through the front door later that night right before his curfew…so much fun that he'd almost forgotten about the new bruises and cut on his face.

Dally had been taken aback too, demanding to know what had happened as soon as he'd sat down, and Two-Bit had given him the rundown. Now Two-Bit slipped past him, heading straight for the kitchen and, if Ponyboy knew him, the chocolate cake Darry had just made.

Darry looked up from his recliner, whatever he'd been about to say forgotten as he jumped up, eyes wide. "What happened?" he demanded, reaching out to tilt Ponyboy's face to the side. Before, he might have gotten irritated, but glory there wasn't a thing he wouldn't have given to have Darry patch him up just a few months ago. So he stood still, smiling a little, letting his brother get a good look at him.

"We met Rita's ex boyfriend. Brian."

"Brian's an asshole!" Two-Bit put in cheerfully from the kitchen, poking his head in the doorway, face already covered in chocolate cake. Darry spared their friend a brief disgusted look.

"Will you use a plate?"

"He had her cornered. Two-Bit chased him off." Pony put in.

"You did most of the chasing kid. I just provided the back up."

Darry glanced at the kitchen doorway once more, then back at Ponyboy, eyes raking over him like he was looking for other injuries.

"I'm fine. Really. So's Rita."

Despite his reassurances, Darry still looked worried, and Two came in just as Darry was pulling him into the bathroom, putting the toilet lid down and pointing to it. Pony sat obediently, kind of bemused as his brother pulled out the first aid kit from under their sink. He thought this was bad, Pony thought, he ought to have seen him after Richard…

The thought almost made him sick and he swallowed hard, dropping his eyes to the floor and trying to focus on breathing. Why the hell did his brain keep going back to that?

He was fine, he told himself firmly. He didn't have to think about Richard. He'd gotten into a fight and Darry was being over-protective and that was normal. Everything was normal. Richard didn't have nothing to do with it.

"Pony?"

He jerked his head up to find Darry crouching in front of him, a hand hesitating just above his shoulder. "Huh?"

"He get you in your head? You okay?"

"Yeah…I mean…he didn't. Not really. I'm fine. It wasn't a big deal. It was hours ago."

Darry looked like he was about to argue…about to push. About to ask him what had made him look so scared all of a sudden. But he just pressed a rag soaked in alcohol to Pony's temple where he must have gotten a cut, flinching a little when Pony didn't. It burned like crazy, but Pony sat real still, his mind going distant for a second like it tended to when something hurt.

"Of course it's a big deal," Darry told him lightly, and Pony made himself come back as he put a bandaid over the cut. "Nobody beats on my little brother and gets away with it. Where is this Brian guy anyway?" he asked, voice deceptively casual.

Point wasn't fooled. Two-Bit hadn't been kidding about Darry getting testy when someone messed with him or Soda.

"Two-Bit had a knife to his throat and told him to get lost, so hopefully he went home."

"What's he look like?"

Pony gave him the same description he'd given the others and Darry nodded. He was sure they'd all be on the lookout just in case he came back around.

He went through the same routine when Soda got home later that night, his brother freezing in place as he kicked his shoes off, eyes going wide. "Pony?"

"It's fine. Rita's ex boyfriend is an asshole. His name is Brian. Two-Bit chased him off," Ponyboy recited, turning back to the card game he had going with Darry and Two-Bit, and Two grinned down at his cards, a rare beer in his other hand. The fact that he almost never saw Two-Bit drink was weird in and of itself, but Pony found that he was almost used to this new sober Two-Bit who hung around more and who actually did his homework.

"Yeah, I'll do some chasing myself if I meet him," Soda grumbled, dropping onto the sofa beside Ponyboy and putting a hand on his shoulder. "You sure you're okay."

Pony realized then that this was the point where he'd usually go to his brother for some kind of comfort. But he didn't need it. Compared to everything else he'd been through, Brian hadn't seemed like much of a big deal. Heaven knew he could take a punch. Still, he smiled, trying to comfort Soda at least a little. "Yeah, I'm sure. I almost won this one. I might have if Two-Bit hadn't interrupted."

Soda chuckled along with Darry and Two-Bit and gave him a gentle shove against the back of the sofa before trying to get a peek at his cards. "Alright, I get it. You're too tough for me now."

Pony didn't flinch…didn't let himself. He couldn't let Soda see it on his face…not that he was too tough, but that he had to protect him. That he had to protect both of his brothers. That he had to forget all of it and move on and yeah, that meant he was tougher now, but part of him was still dying to have Soda put an arm around him and tell him it would all be okay.

Instead, he put his cards down. "You want to play?"

"Sure. Deal me in."

And for the rest of the night, they all kept on pretending everything was the way it had always been.

Chapter Text

Two-Bit huffed out a sigh as he sat back on the cold bleachers, pulling his jacket a little more tightly around himself as he balanced his history textbook on his knee.  He was going to pass this damn class if it killed him.  No way Ponyboy Curtis was graduating before him…although he guessed graduating together wasn’t much better.  Still.  He was going to do it.  He’d seen how hard his mom had taken it when he’d flunked again…when he’d spent so much of the last year drinking and doing his best not to think about the missing member of their gang.  But what the hell else could he do when Ponyboy Curtis had been taken away from his family because of him?

Darry and Soda didn’t see it that way, he knew.  And he was glad.  He didn’t think the rest of the gang did either.  But he’d spent those months going over it again and again, remembering how he’d left Pony and Johnny, going home to drink some more instead.  How long would it have taken him to walk those kids home?  A few minutes?  He should have known Ponyboy Curtis would do something like accidentally fall asleep outside, despite the fact that he wasn’t wearing a jacket in September when it was freezing out.  And then, like dominos, everything else had fallen into place.

A fight with his big brother who’d probably been worried sick about him.

Darry, trying to single-handedly keep his family together and pay bills, more stressed than any twenty-year-old ought to be.

Pony, who’d told him just hours before that his brother hated him and wanted to put him in a boys home, running off after having his fears confirmed.

And those socs…Bob Sheldon and Randy Adderson, drunk and looking to jump a couple of kids who had walked their girls home.

It felt inevitable, looking back.  A kid scared and grieving for his parents and living with someone he thought hated him.  A guy who’d been destined for college and better things than this shit town robbed of all that suddenly raising a fourteen-year-old.  Those two would have blown up sooner or later, Two-Bit knew…but he could have stopped that night from going down the way it had.  He could have walked Pony back to his house.  Convinced Johnny to stay at the Curtis house or even come back and sleep on his couch.

He’d gone over it a million times.  Hell, he’d dreamed about it.  Over and over, he’d stopped Pony and Johnny from going to that lot, driven by a feeling of foreboding he hadn’t been able to remember the reason for. 

“Come on, you two.  Glory, Pony, ain’t you freezing?  Let’s go before you die of pneumonia.”

He’d go in the house with them.  Say hi to Darry.  Cover for the kid before his brother could see him so he wouldn’t know Ponyboy had forgotten his jacket.  And then he’d head home.

And Ponyboy Curtis, the kid who wasn’t like the rest of them…wasn’t mean or cold or willing to use a busted bottle to fight off a group of socs, would never know what it felt like to have cigarettes put out on his arm, or have a man beat him within an inch of his life.  He’d never have scars on his arms and back he was so desperate to hide.  He’d never have to put himself between a teenage girl and a man intent on hurting her. 

And Two-Bit would never meet Rita.  Rita, who’d scoffed, shaking her head at him when he’d told her about Cathy.  

“You’re not a bum.”

He shook all that off, looking back down at his history book.  He was getting to sound like the kid, he thought, stomach twisting.  Was that really all it took for him to fall for a girl these days?  Her saying he wasn’t a bum?  Still, it didn’t matter, he told himself as he tried again to focus.  He was going to graduate from high school.  He sure as hell wasn’t going to be like his old man, bumming around his whole life, getting drunk for fun and then leaving his family.  

So ever since those assholes had broken Darry’s window and his buddy had sat down and told him they were worried about him, he’d been trying to drink less.  And then, when those same assholes had broken into his house and hurt his sister…when he’d walked into Darry’s living room to see his little sister, huddled up under a blanket and shaking, reaching out for him…he’d barely had a drink since.

The guys on the track team came onto the field then, and he looked up from his book again, immediately finding Ponyboy who was talking to another guy on the team.  Pony had always been pretty well liked at school, and he’d had friends on the track team and friends from class, but Two-Bit had seen how withdrawn the kid had been lately, not really talking to anyone, even the guys who probably would have liked to catch up with him…he’d also seen how lots of people kind of kept their distance now, looking nervously at that scar on his face and probably listening to the rumors floating around the school.

Two-Bit couldn’t see the scars on his arms from his spot on the bleachers, but he was wearing the usual uniform of a tank top and shorts even though it was getting cold out…he guessed they wouldn’t be cold once they started running.  Still, he counted it as a win that the kid was letting people see his arms when he’d been so adamant about hiding them at first, only letting his brothers see and only for a second. He’d eaten lunch too, which Two-Bit knew because he had Johnny and Steve spying for him.

He’d promised Pony that he wouldn’t tell his brothers, which was a promise he fully intended to break, but not just yet.  He had, however, told both Johnny and Steve, and together, they’d come up with a very simple, and yet effective plan.  

Make the kid eat.

They couldn't do anything much about breakfast, since they didn’t pick him up for school every day, and he walked a lot of the time, even though Steve gave him rides a couple of times a week.  They just had to trust that his brothers were keeping an eye on him.  For lunch, he’d been eating in the cafeteria with Johnny sometimes, or riding with them to the DX where he’d get a sandwich or something.  And any time any of them went out with the kid anywhere, they made sure to involve food somehow.  

It seemed to be working for the most part, and Pony was scared enough of him telling Darry and Soda that he was putting in the effort.  But glory if Two-Bit couldn’t stop seeing him drop…couldn’t stop hearing the words Pony hadn’t been able to keep in.

They hadn’t fed him.

He’d stopped being hungry. 

Every time Two-Bit learned something else about this guy, the urge to hunt him down and give him a taste of his own medicine got stronger and stronger.  But he was in jail, and there was nothing he could do, so he’d just held the kid like he held his sister when she was upset, trying to hold the kid together…to let him know that he was safe.  That no one was going to let it happen again.

He guessed it didn’t matter too much though…it had already happened.  The damage was done.  And sometimes he was afraid that it would never be fixed.

Two-Bit dismissed that thought as he watched Ponyboy run.  The kid would be fine.  He’d make sure of it.  He’d look out for him, and make sure he ate, and…damn it, he didn’t know, make the kid be okay through sheer force of will.  He’d seemed okay all week, at least.  When Two-Bit had pulled Rita’s asshole ex off of him, he’d been afraid that Ponyboy would be hurt…or scared, like he got sometimes when someone startled him or slammed their front door, or when he was wrestling and playing around with them…sometimes he’d get this look in his eyes, like he was there, but not really… there .  

But when Two-Bit had pulled Brian off him, he’d just jumped back to his feet, obviously ready to keep fighting, and he hadn’t seemed freaked out or anything.  Just mad like him that this guy was bugging Rita.  Later, when his brother had gotten home, Pony had obviously been more amused than anything at Darry’s fussing, letting him clean the cut on his face and not arguing or anything, but not seeming to understand why he’d bother.

Come to think of it, Two-Bit guessed, compared to everything Richard had done to him, a black eye and a couple of cuts were no big deal.  The thought made him kind of sick.

Two-Bit cheered when Pony turned the last corner of the track, coming second out of all the guys, and the coach gave him a bemused look. 

“Tryouts were a week ago, Mr. Matthews.”

“Just thought I’d watch,” Two-Bit told him with a grin.  “Ain’t nothing good on TV.”

The guys on the team all laughed, used to him, he guessed, and Pony gave him a funny look before shrugging to himself, probably figuring that if Two-Bit wanted to sit outside in the cold and watch people run, that was his own business.  Two-Bit just grinned at him, remembering suddenly how they’d taken him…how Soda had looked the first time he’d called the DX, and how he’d come to the Curtis house one day and found a hole in their wall.

Darry had just taken the kid to the doctor for a sports physical on Monday after school, and Two-Bit had to admit, he was surprised the kid had passed.  He was fast, alright, and was apparently in better shape than he’d been last week when he’d passed out after practice, but the kid still looked too skinny, especially since he was taller now.  His face still looked kind of hollow…hollow and haunted sometimes.  And Two-Bit knew that he was still talking to that doctor every Saturday, and that Soda was going with him…Pony never talked about it, but they all knew.  He didn’t think Pony had even talked to Sodapop about the stuff that had happened to him, and he also knew that it was about killing Soda.  

Both his brothers were worrying their heads off, and Steve had told him about how Pony had shouted at Soda in the street, fists up like he was ready to fight.  Two-Bit couldn’t hardly believe it.  He couldn’t imagine Ponyboy Curtis ever fighting with Soda…not like that.  But according to Steve, the kid had been real mad…mad like he hadn’t seen him before.  Two-Bit figured Soda just wanted Pony to talk to him about everything, but it seemed like the kid wasn’t having it…so they’d all just have to wait, which wasn’t really Soda’s style.

He went back to his textbook as they all lined up to run again.  He’d meant to finish this during study hall, but he’d done all his other work first and had run out of time, mostly since he’d lost interest and had decided to bug Ponyboy instead, telling him about how he’d gotten his new switchblade, which had been a feat in itself since the guy at the hardware store still remembered him.  

He could have worked on it at lunch, but on the days he didn’t take Pony over to the DX, he’d been going to see Rita, taking her something to eat for lunch or just hanging out behind the store where he’d smoke and they’d talk.  The first time, he’d offered her a cigarette, not sure if she smoked since he’d never seen her do it.

She’d smiled at him, a sad, almost pained smile that had reminded him of the kid, and had flipped her arm around, pulling up her sleeve to reveal a scar right at the inside of her elbow.  He’d jerked back a little, feeling sick, but she’d just shrugged. 

“It only took once for me to stop.  I never liked it much anyway…started when I was twelve to look tough.”  

She’d told him a little about her life before Richard…that her mom had raised her until she couldn't, and how her dad had split before she’d really known him.  That she still had a cousin out there somewhere that she’d been real close to, but hadn’t seen since she’d been nine or ten.  She almost never said anything about that house though.

“At first, I wanted to yell at Ponyboy, you know?  When he kept smoking…tell him to just stop.  But…I get it now, I think,” she’d told him that day, covering the scar on her arm up again.  “He fought harder than any of us except Lianne…didn’t want to let Richard win.”

He had, though, Two-Bit had thought, remembered how he’d offered Pony a cigarette once and how he’d shaken his head, a hand moving automatically to pull his sleeve down.  But he sure was proud of the kid for fighting.  

She loved Ponyboy, he’d realized pretty quick.  Loved him like a little brother.  He knew they hadn’t talked much when they’d lived together, but he figured that didn’t matter compared to what Pony had done for her.  And he’d heard them once he’d chased Brian off, promising to make his next visit to town a lot more painful.  He’d turned the corner to hear her tell Pony that she wished he was her real brother, and to hear him remind her that he was, and Two-Bit sure got that.  These people, Pony and his brothers and Steve and Dally and Johnny…they were his family, just as much as Susie and his mom were.  

Rita wasn’t like a lot of the girls around town that he’d known growing up, or that he’d gone to movies with or taken to dinner.  Those girls were loud and funny, and they wore a lot of dark makeup and would two time you without even feeling bad about it…even Sandy, in the end, he thought kind of bitterly.  She wasn’t like the socs either, classy and stuck up, who wouldn’t give a greaser the time of day.

No…she was kind of like the kid, which he guessed was part of why they got along so well.  She was quiet, and kind of dreamy a lot of the time.  Smart too, and funny, but in a quiet, dry way.  He didn’t think he’d ever liked just standing around and talking to a girl so much before.  They didn’t really see each other much even when she stayed over, since she worked and seemed to try to be gone a lot of the time.  At first, she’d said that she had a friend in town, but he was pretty sure she’d been lying, since he’d never seen her with any other girls.  

When he’d asked her earlier what she did when she wasn’t working, she’d told him that she went to the movies sometimes, or read books from the library, and he’d laughed.

“You and the kid…you’re cut from the same cloth, huh?”

She’d crossed her arms, lifting her eyebrows and giving him a smug little smile.  “And, just a few days ago, I went and watched Dally’s race.”

“ You went to the races?”

“I did.  And I won a dollar.”

“You went to the races and gambled?  Glory, you’re turning into a hoodlum!”

She’d laughed at that.  “A no good juvenile delinquent,” she’d agreed, eyes sparkling, and damn if it wasn’t hard to go back to school when she smiled at him like that.  

Ponyboy won again, and he cheered, just as loud.  The kid looked embarrassed by that point, crossing his arms and glaring, but there was just a hint of a smile on his face too.  He’d missed that kid so much…it hadn’t been right with him gone.  They weren’t the gang without Ponyboy who was like the collective younger brother…the smartest kid in town, just like Darry, both of them too smart for this place.  

Figuring he had some time to kill while the kid ran some more, he finally managed to finish up his reading, then shut the book and shoved it back into the backpack he had to carry now that he was actually doing homework.  The first time his mom had seen him carrying it, her eyes had gone wide, and he’d felt himself flush a little when she’d patted him on the cheek.

“I’m proud of you, Keith.”

He’d waved her off, shaking his head, unable to stop himself from smiling a little.  “Come on, ma.  It’s a backpack.  It ain’t no big deal.”

She’d let it go, but she’d also kissed his temple and he’d let her, holding her close for a moment before she’d been back to cooking dinner and he’d been off to his room.  

He waited until Ponyboy left the locker rooms, thankfully with the other guys this time, to stand up, hopping down from the bleachers and joining the kid who rolled his eyes at him, but still waited.  “Roll your eyes all you want kid, but I don’t see you turning down a free ride,” he teased, giving him a shove.

Pony grinned, pushing him back.  “Are you coming to practice every week from now on?  I thought you’d be hanging out with Rita.”

He lifted an eyebrow at the kid.  “You know what?  I changed my mind.  You can walk home.”

Ponyboy laughed at that, adjusting his backpack on his shoulder as they made their way towards Two-Bit’s car.  

“How’d you know I was hanging out with Rita, anyway?  You having me followed or something.”

“Yep.  Paid a guy and everything.”

Two shook his head, elbowing him.  This kid…he guessed he’d had plenty of smartasses to learn from.  He couldn’t help feeling kind of proud. 

“She told me you brought her lunch sometimes,” he told him, throwing his backpack onto the floorboards as he climbed in, Two-Bit walking around to the drivers’ side.  

“Speaking of girls, your brother call that one that’s been hanging around the DX?”

Ponyboy nodded, grinning.  “Yeah, last night.  He’s meeting her tomorrow after work.”

Just the day before when he’d taken Pony and Johnny to the DX for lunch, they’d spotted her inside talking to Sodapop, him leaning on the counter and grinning.  Instead of going inside, they’d gone to a fast food place, grabbing burgers and speculating on this girl and whether or not Pony’s brother was going to ask her out any time soon.  Pony had claimed ignorance since he hadn’t really met her, but Two-Bit had a feeling he’d been trying to get him to call her.  

“Where are they going?”

“Dinner and the movies.”

“Your brother doesn’t like movies.”

“Yeah, I know.  I guess she does,” Pony told him with a laugh.  “You could always take Rita,” he tacked on, and Two-Bit shook his head.  

“Now why would I do that?”

The kid looked at him then, all traces of teasing gone, and he tilted his head like a confused border collie or something.  “I thought you liked her.”

“I like her fine.  How about you worry about yourself, huh?  Get your own girl before you start telling me how to take one out.”

The kid smiled to himself, shrugging and looking out the window.  “Just figured you’d have an easier time with a double date…” he muttered.

Two-Bit shot out a hand and messed up his hair, making him laugh.  “When I want advice from a twelve-year-old…”

“Hey!” he called, trying to swat his hand away, but Two-Bit kept on, managing to dig his knuckles into Pony’s head and drive in his own lane at the same time.  

“...then I’ll come right to you, Ponyboy Curtis.  Until then, you can keep it to yourself.”

Ponyboy laughed, finally smacking him and scooting towards the door like he could get out of arm's reach.  But, Two-Bit thought, that answered a question he hadn’t really known how to ask.  Rita was kind of like family…the kid’s family anyway.  He’d taken plenty of shit for that girl, letting Richard beat him half to death just so she’d be safe.  He’d protected her, and now the rest of them protected her.  It wasn’t like any of them except Two-Bit had any sisters…still, it seemed like it would be an unspoken rule that you don’t go out with girls that are family.  Although he’d kind of thought that his sister might have a crush on Ponyboy…and he didn’t think he’d mind the kid taking her out when they were older…maybe.  

Then again, the thought of his little sister going out with any guy made him itch to grab his new switchblade and do some threatening.  

But Ponyboy was practically encouraging him to take her out.  So…he didn’t care?  Not that it really mattered…

Except it did.  Ponyboy was his buddy.  And Rita was like Pony’s sister.  So…it mattered.  

Not that he’d admit that out loud.

Chapter Text

Ponyboy leaned on the pinball machine to watch Johnny play, making sure not to push hard enough to tilt it, but hard enough to bug him as he leaned over in the way. His friend looked over at him when he lost, shaking his head and fighting a grin.

"I swear, you might look just like Sodapop, but you sure are the spitting image of Two-Bit sometimes."

"I don't look any more like Soda than you do," he scoffed, crossing his arms and backing off the game, ignoring the Two-Bit comment.

Johnny grinned at him then, looking at him kind of close. "Yeah you do. Except for your hair's lighter now…your faces are real similar."

"They are not. Soda's good looking."

"Shoot, so are you."

That made his ears red and he huffed, wandering away as Johnny laughed. He and Johnny had decided to stop by the arcade in the bowling alley after school since he still had a while before he needed to be home. It would just be him and Darry at home since Sodapop had his date later, and he didn't mind, not like before when he'd have done anything to keep away from his oldest brother.

Last week, the therapist had wanted to talk about the boy's home, and he'd made himself do it. Then he'd broken down and cried on Sodapop who had probably told Darry about it too, since his brothers had both been kind of quiet around him, like he might spook or something. He didn't want them worrying about him…he was fine! Things were normal! He was doing well in school and running track and he'd even done that stupid physical exam. He was hanging out with the guys too, not reading too much or staying to himself too often.

It felt like he was walking a tightrope. On one side was what part of him wanted…withdrawing from everyone completely. Just hiding away and reading books and trying to hide from it all. On the other was telling his brothers everything…just giving them what they thought they wanted, only it couldn't be what they really wanted because it would hurt so much Pony didn't think they could all stand it. And right in the middle was where he had to stay. He had to go to therapy and talk some because it meant he could stay with his brothers. He had to do well in school to keep Darry happy. He had to go out with the guys and joke around and act normal to keep them from getting suspicious. And he had to keep some distance from Sodapop, lest it all come pouring out of him.

And damn it if he didn't come close to letting it all pour out of him sometimes. Especially when he had those nightmares, waking up sobbing into a pillow, or Soda shaking him awake, pulling him close and holding him like he always did and making him want to just tell the truth.

The real truth.

That part of him blamed his brothers for this. Because they hadn't found him. Dallas had found him. Dallas had come to see him! Why couldn't his brothers? And yeah, he'd asked Dally not to tell them, but since when did Dallas Winston listen to him?

Why hadn't they come after him? Or at least come visit? Why hadn't they protected him? They were his big brothers! They were supposed to protect him!

"Pony?"

He jerked back to attention, spinning around and finding Johnny standing beside him. "Huh?"

His friend hesitated. "You've got that look on your face again."

"What look?"

"That look like…like you're not really here. I mean…you're here, but your mind is off somewhere else, you dig?"

He did…he understood perfectly.

It had started with Richard…when he would put cigarettes on his arm or when he'd start hitting him and he couldn't hit back anymore…he'd go away. He'd think about Sodapop and Darry, or their parents. He'd think about the guys…about Dally, and how he'd dropped that knife into his hand on his birthday, ruffling his hair and grinning at him. "Happy birthday, kid."

Or Two-Bit, telling him they would look after him on the next day when he'd been crying on the porch over his parents. Hell, he'd even think about Steve, and how he and Soda would do acrobatics off the porch until Darry yelled at them that they were going to break their necks.

Or Johnny. He'd think of his best friend, quiet and mournful like a kicked puppy, only he wasn't anymore. Now Ponyboy was like a kicked puppy…one that was just as likely to bite as to cower. Because that thing where he went away…at first he'd been able to control it. He'd been able to go away when he wanted. But when he'd been in New York, and those guys had been acting like they were going to hurt Sue and Johnny at the store…it had been like a switch had gone off in his brain. Like the lights had gone out.

And the next thing he'd known, Johnny had been stopping him from beating that guy to death.

"Yeah," he whispered, trying not to do it again. "I dig. Sorry."

"You ain't gotta apologize," Johnny murmured, nudging him. "You feeling okay?"

"Yeah…yeah I'm good."

"You want to play?"

He shook his head. "Nah. I didn't bring any money." All the money he had on him was the little bit he had left over from New York and what Darry had given him for lunch. He'd tried telling his brother that he didn't need lunch money since he had some of his own, and besides, he could bum food off Sodapop at the DX sometimes, but Darry had just given him a look, shaking his head.

"Take it. You need to keep eating. Every meal. You hear me?"

"Yeah, I hear you," he'd grumbled, immediately losing his irritation when his brother had squeezed his shoulder, patting him on the back before he'd gone to work on Monday morning.

He couldn't help remembering when he'd been so hungry that he'd gone through the trash, and that thought made him ashamed of himself for being irritated that his brother would care if he ate. Of course Darry cared that he ate. Hell, everyone seemed to these days, making him think that Two-Bit really did have the gang spying on him.

"Here." He looked down at the coins Johnny was holding out, about to shake his head, but his friend just nudged him. "Come on, man. I got a job now. I got plenty of money."

"Yeah, say it a little louder so the whole place hears."

Johnny looked around the almost empty arcade and out through the bowling alley, grinning. "I think we can take them."

Ponyboy couldn't help being a little on edge. His therapist had called the night before, talking to Darry while they'd been eating dinner. Pony and Soda had gotten real quiet while he'd talked until he'd finally hung up the phone.

"That was Doctor Song. She had something come up Saturday morning and asked if you could come at four instead. I told her that was fine."

Pony hadn't exactly been able to argue…it wasn't like he had plans later or anything. So much for his hope that Soda would stay out so late on his date Friday night that he'd sleep through the morning therapy appointment. Still, he'd nodded, telling Darry that was fine with him, and ever since, he'd felt anxiety like a lead weight in his stomach. He didn't know why…it was no big deal. But now he had the whole day Saturday to be anxious about it.

Because he was pretty sure she would want to start talking about that house. About Richard.

Could she tell the State to take him away if he didn't? Could he get taken away if he refused? He didn't think he could do it…he couldn't stay balanced on that tight rope if she made him talk about it. He'd fall. And he didn't know if he'd ever get back up.

He and Johnny played at the arcade for a little while longer, taking turns at the pinball machine and heading to the snack bar to drink pepsis. A few other guys from school, mostly greasers but a couple of regular guys too, stopped in to say hi on their way to the arcade or the pool tables, and considering the growing number of socs out in the bowling alley, Ponyboy was glad they were around. He had a feeling that if he got into a fight right now, he wouldn't be able to stop.

He felt keyed up, like he couldn't stop his leg from bouncing, or his hands from picking at his nails, and he wondered if this was how Soda felt sometimes, unable to stay still. If Johnny noticed, he didn't say anything, but he did pass him another bottle of Pepsi while the guy who'd come over took a swig of his beer and asked if they'd had any more run-ins with Bob Sheldon and his buddies. They hadn't, which was kind of weird, since Pony had a feeling Bob was planning something, but he didn't have enough energy to think about it too much, what with all his focus on the next day.

That night at dinner, Pony took the smallest bites he could, torn between not wanting to worry Darry and being pretty sure that if he ate too much, he'd throw up. Darry must have noticed though, because he stopped his line of questioning about school and what him and Johnny had gotten up to and looked at him for a second, eyes narrow in concern. "You feeling okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." He took another bite, trying not to grimace as he swallowed it, then decided to try and distract him. "Johnny and I saw that guy you went to school with…uh, Jerry something, and he told us his brother got locked up again."

"What for this time?"

"He got drunk and stole some guy's Mustang. Crashed it over by the railroad tracks."

His brother shook his head, muttering under his breath about idiots with too much free time, and Pony made himself take another bite, moving his food around so it looked like he'd eaten more. He was pretty sure he managed to distract Darry enough because he didn't say anything when Ponyboy took his plate to the sink and cleaned it, starting on dishes.

Almost without thinking, he started to roll his sleeves up, then froze at the sink.

He'd worn the tank top during track practice…and no one had said anything. That was two weeks in a row. And it was just him and Darry, so Darry probably wouldn't say anything either, even if he did get upset. He wondered if it just made him worry more to see him unable to even roll up his sleeves to do the dishes.

So, pretending he didn't feel like throwing up, he pushed them up to his elbows and started to clean their plates.

And nothing happened.

Darry barely seemed to glance at him as he cleaned up the kitchen, stacking the dishes beside him at the sink, but Pony knew that he noticed. Darry noticed everything. He didn't say anything, though, so that made it bearable, and by the time he was done, he barely noticed it himself anymore. When he was done cleaning, he just dried his hands and pulled his sleeves back down right in time for Johnny to come in the front door, calling out a greeting and dodging Darry when he went to mess up his hair.

They spent a couple of hours playing cards and listening to the radio while Darry joined in for a game or two before going back to his newspaper. Then, around eight, to Pony's surprise, he put the paper down. "You two going out anywhere tonight?"

Johnny looked at him and they both shrugged. "Didn't have plans to," he told him.

"Dally might come by," Pony put in. "He'll probably want to do something."

"Yeah, okay. I'm going to meet some friends. I'll be back before midnight, alright? So don't even think about staying out all night, you hear me little buddy?"

Pony tried not to let his jaw drop and did his best to keep the stunned look off his face. Darry hadn't gone out with friends since…he tried to think back, coming up blank. Since before he'd come back from New York. Before they'd taken him, it hadn't been all that uncommon for Darry to meet up with some old friends and go to the gym, or hang out at their houses on the weekends, always coming back before Ponyboy's curfew and never drinking much or anything, at least, not since their parents.

It occurred to Pony then that maybe Darry was trying real hard to pretend things were normal too.

"Yeah…sure, Darry." He smirked a little. "Didn't know you had other friends but.."

His brother knocked him upside the head, messing up his hair roughly while Johnny laughed and backed out of smacking distance. Part of Ponyboy thought that should have freaked him out…like wrestling sometimes did, as hard as he tried to hide it. But Darry was laughing a little and shaking his head, and besides, he wasn't Richard. His brothers were safer than anyone…Darry never hurt him.

Okay…he'd smacked him once, but that had been nothing in comparison to everything else. And he'd immediately apologized.

Richard had never apologized, not once.

"You need to spend less time with Two-Bit," Darry told him, echoing Johnny, a grin in his voice as he rubbed his knuckles into Pony's head, then finally let him escape. "I swear, you're getting mouthier all the time."

"You're right. I'll spend more time with Dally from now on."

"Lord help us." He was still smiling though as he rested his hand on Pony's head, and he realized that his big brother smiled more now. Like he was real glad he was around.

Maybe, he thought, scolding himself, Darry would have been happier to have him around before if he hadn't fought with him so much.

Darry hesitated as Ponyboy tried to force himself back to the present, patting him on the shoulder before pulling away, looking at him like he was afraid he would disappear…or like he was guilty. Guilty for leaving, Pony wondered?

"You be careful tonight, okay?"

"I'll babysit him, don't worry," Johnny assured him, laughing aloud when Pony lunged at him, tackling him to the ground. Behind him, he heard Darry laughing to himself as he grabbed his wallet, Pony finally managing to pin his friend.

"See you tonight."

"Bye!" Pony called, triumphant as he pinned Johnny to the ground right before his friend got him in the ribs, knocking him off.

"Try not to break anything, you two," was his last resigned request before he was off, and Pony found himself on the ground, Johnny holding him down.

"Holler uncle!"

"No way!"

Johnny was safe. Johnny had come with him to New York and he'd spent more time with him than just about anyone. He'd known Johnny what felt like his whole life, and he was his best friend. So when his friend mock punched him in the arm, there was no reason for his heart to race in his chest…no reason for his mind to flash back to a belt whistling through the air, or a foot slamming into his back.

What the hell was wrong with him? He was worse than usual today.

And then Johnny was climbing off him, doing his best not to look concerned as he gave him what must have been his best attempt at a carefree grin. "You seen Dally around?" he asked, as if Pony's heart wasn't racing in his chest and he wasn't fighting to keep his mind from shutting off.

"Nah," he told him, trying just as hard to act normal as Johnny. "Not for a few days. What do you think he's up to?"

"Maybe he's found another girl."

"Or got back together with Sylvie?"

Johnny shrugged. They'd figured they'd see him around sooner or later, but neither of them particularly wanted to go anywhere. Johnny suggested a movie, but Pony wasn't really in the mood since he couldn't sit still too well at the moment, and Pony wondered if there was a drag race or anything going on, but Johnny didn't think that's what Darry had had in mind when he'd told them to be careful, at least not when it was just the two of them. Sure, they could hold their own pretty well, but they both knew Darry preferred it if they went with Dallas or Two-Bit when they went to those kinds of places.

So instead, they hung around the house, listening to the radio and playing cards, then taking turns reading aloud from one of the books Pony had grabbed from the library, just like they had in New York. And, Pony thought, it was nice. The knot of anxiety in his stomach was still there…still painful and heavy, and his mind still drifted to his therapy session more and more as the time passed, but at least Johnny was with him.

Part of him wanted to tell Johnny why he was so anxious. He knew his friend could tell that something was up, but he didn't ask. It wasn't like before, though, when he'd been able to tell Johnny just about everything. Soda too. Now…now it felt impossible. A dozen times he opened his mouth, starting to tell Johnny that he was pretty sure he'd have to talk about Richard in therapy the next day, and a dozen times, he shut it again.

He couldn't do it. Not anymore. It had been so long since he'd confided in anyone like that…it was like he didn't know how. If he'd been sent back to his brothers when he'd gone to the social worker the first time, right after Richard had put a cigarette out on his arm, he thought he would have told them everything. He was still the same then. He would have cried and they would have held him, and he would have told them how much he'd missed them at the boy's home, and how awful it had been, and how much it had scared him to live with Richard. He'd probably have told Johnny too, and his friend would have listened and thrown an arm around him and told him he didn't have to worry anymore.

But then…then she'd taken him back. And he'd seen what he was doing to Rita. And he'd stopped him…over and over, he'd stopped him, and he'd paid for it. He'd paid so much. And he was different now. He thought back to that day he'd been jumped, right before he'd been taken away from his family, and how he'd cried on the sidewalk, he'd been so scared. How Sodapop had held him, promising him that they weren't going to hurt him anymore.

Then he thought of Sodapop and the look on his face when he'd seen his arms, and he knew that it couldn't be like that anymore. He couldn't be the reason he looked like that. Hell, it was bad enough he'd cried to him after therapy the week before. He couldn't do that again, he told himself firmly. No matter how much Soda pushed…he had to keep his brother safe. He hadn't kept Lianne safe, but he could keep Sodapop safe.

Dally never did come by, so they assumed he really had found a girl. Johnny left around 11, and, exhausted from a day of worrying himself to death and trying not to worry anyone else, he went to bed early.

Ponyboy barely woke when Darry cracked his door open to check on him, or even when Sodapop crawled into bed sometime early in the morning, and he spent most of the next day avoiding them as best he could, which wasn't too hard since Darry left for work at nine and Soda slept until almost one. When his brother finally did get out of bed, Pony asked him about his date and managed to get him talking. He really was glad he'd had a good time, and he seemed to like this Alice girl a lot.

He started to suggest Soda call her again…maybe do something today. Like…literally anything that didn't involve him taking Ponyboy to therapy. Because Pony knew that today was going to be hard…harder even than last week, and he was afraid. If he had to talk about Richard, then he'd probably break down crying again, and he wasn't going to put Soda through that. It would be easier if he was alone. Maybe that doctor would just let him be alone in the room for a while…if Soda wasn't around, he wouldn't ask for him. She wouldn't even be able to offer.

Pony didn't suggest it, though. He didn't want to hurt Soda's feelings, even if part of him thought that hurting his feelings might get him to back off some. And that was what he didn't know how to explain. Soda needed to back off, or he was going to get hurt! Pony wasn't strong enough not to break down. All his brother had to do was throw his arms around him and it could all come pouring out…all the awful, painful questions he wanted to ask. All the accusations he wanted to scream at him.

Why didn't you find me?

Why didn't you protect me?

Did you even try?

He couldn't let that happen.

Like always, Pony and Soda rode the bus together, Pony leaning on the window and staring listlessly out at the city as it passed. Soda didn't say anything, but Ponyboy could practically feel him struggling to stay quiet. He obviously wanted to ask what was wrong…had wanted to ask all day. But he managed to keep his questions to himself, just putting an arm around his shoulders when they got off the bus and headed towards the doctor's office. And just that contact was almost enough to break him.

When they reached the waiting room, he patted Ponyboy on the back before dropping into his customary chair. "Alright, kiddo. I'll be out here."

Pony almost didn't go in. He almost grabbed his brother's arm and confessed right there.

'I can't do this. I can't. It's going to hurt so much and I thought I was tough enough but I'm not! I can't face it! I need your help, please. Just take me home. Please, Soda, just take me home.'

He didn't say it though. He just nodded, making himself smile when his brother held up a magazine as if showing that he'd be fine right where he was, and, feeling like he was about to face a firing squad, Pony went into her office.

He sat down on the sofa, hands clasped in his lap to try and keep them from shaking. She smiled at him, the smile she always gave him, warm and friendly, and clasped her own hands in her lap, looking perfectly at ease.

"Good evening, Ponyboy. I'm sorry about the change in schedule."

"That's alright." His hands shook despite holding them tightly together and he tried to make them stop with sheer force of will, his heart pounding so loud he thought maybe she could hear it. "I didn't have plans or nothing," he went on just to fill the silence.

"Good. We should be back to normal next week."

He nodded.

"Alright, Ponyboy. We talked some about your stay at the boy's home last week. I know that wasn't easy for you to talk about."

He was silent, wishing suddenly that he could scream for Soda. Beg him to just take him home so he didn't have to do this. Somehow explain to Darry that this was going to make everything worse…that he didn't think he was going to be able to get through this. He'd tried. He really had. But he couldn't do this.

"I looked through your file before we started meeting. You remember that, right?"

"Yeah."

"So I'm pretty familiar with your case. I know there was a lot of abuse in the foster home where you were placed. The foster father in that home abused all four of your foster siblings as well as you, is that right?"

"Yeah." His throat had never been so dry, and he wanted to ask for some water but he didn't know if he was allowed and he felt sick just thinking about it. Or maybe he just felt sick in general. He'd skipped breakfast and lunch since Soda had been asleep and there hadn't been anyone to report back to Two-Bit, and he was suddenly glad, sure he would have thrown up otherwise.

"I know that the two other boys in the foster home left town right before they turned 18. Is that true?"

He nodded.

"And your oldest foster sister, Rita, testified against him?"

He nodded again. He could talk about Rita. Maybe they could just talk about Rita! Save the harder stuff for later. "Yeah, she…she works around here now. At a store in town by the grocery store where Johnny works part time. She stays with us sometimes. Or with my friend, Two-Bit."

She was quiet for a moment. "I see. So you'd say the two of you have a good relationship?"

"Yeah. She, uh…she hangs around with us." The words felt dumb and clumsy even as he said them. He could have told her how they'd all gone to the movies, or how they'd gone to dinner together with Johnny that one time. He could have told her that him and Two-Bit had stopped her ex boyfriend from bugging her, leaving out the actual fighting which might get him in trouble. But he couldn't seem to make his mouth work, so he just shrugged a little, feeling uncomfortably like a bug under a microscope.

"In her testimony, Rita mentioned that you were also close with your other foster sister."

He swallowed, nodding and staring at the floor that felt like it was suddenly dropping out from under him. Not this. He'd changed his mind. He'd talk about Richard. But not this.

This was even worse.

"Ponyboy, today I'd like to talk about Lianne."

Chapter Text

Sodapop bounced his leg on the floor as he flipped aimlessly through the same car magazine as last week. He pretty much had this one memorized, but he wasn't about to complain. He was pretty sure if he said a single word about being bored, Ponyboy would try even harder to get him to stop coming, and after last week, that wasn't going to happen. Not ever. He'd seen the way his brother had refused to look at him…had tried too hard to keep it together after talking about that boy's home…and the boy's home wasn't even the worst of it! At least…not as far as Soda knew. So far, the only information Pony had been willing to give him about the boy's home was that he didn't want to go back and he'd missed them.

What if it had been real bad like the foster home?

No, he thought, turning the page and wishing briefly that he could afford a real tuff Mustang like the one in the picture, all cherry red shiny. Pony had called him from the boy's home and he'd been sad and everything, but when he'd called from the foster home, he'd been different. Different than Soda had ever heard him.

Soda knew the basics of what had happened in that house. He knew that Richard had put cigarettes out on his arms and that he'd beat Ponyboy and that he'd about starved all those kids. And he knew some about New York, thanks to James and Marcus who'd told him and Darry stories about Ponyboy and Johnny…about how Pony had gone to that church, and how Johnny had stood up to one of the guys there at that church when he'd been saying they shouldn't be there.

That second night, after Pony had gone to bed, James and Marcus had sat in their living room, all four of them drinking beer and playing cards. Johnny had gone home too, almost asleep on his feet after working most of the day and then hanging out with Pony and Dal and their friends from New York. And the room had felt kind of tense all of a sudden.

"Will you tell us how he was in New York?" Darry had asked, putting his cards face down on the table and looking like he was bracing himself.

James had hesitated, looking over at Soda for a second before shrugging. "He slept about the whole first day he got to my place. Looked like he needed it. Kid was…" This time, he'd glanced over at the bedroom door, like he was checking to make sure Pony wasn't about to come back into the living room and overhear. "He was worse than he is now. He got a lot better when Johnny showed up. But that first few weeks, kid barely said two words, at least not to me. Hell, I wasn't really aiming to talk to him either. Too busy with my own shit. Kid bought his own food but he hardly ever ate, even though he looked half starved…worse than now, even. He'd leave the apartment and…hell, I don't know. Go to the library, apparently. Walk around. I had my buddies on the lookout for him to make sure no one messed with him or nothing. Dal told me I'd better not let anything happen to that kid or else he'd sick his big brother on me."

Darry had grinned a little at that.

"But…he woke up some when Johnny showed up."

"First time I saw him was when he came to our church," Marcus had put in. "He left right at the end of service, and Sue went after him. My uncle tried to stop her, but she just walked right down the middle aisle and went after him while everybody was supposed to be praying. Told us later he'd saved her from some asshole she goes to school with. That he'd been walking by and had just happened to see them. So she walks out after him, and I followed her. She chased him down the sidewalk and he turned and looked at her like she was crazy." Marcus had been quiet for a moment, thinking. "I couldn't hear them…I was just standing by the church. But they just talked, and then I guess he went home. The next time I saw him was when he was working for my uncle. Then, after he stopped those guys from hurting Sue and her friend, my buddies started looking out for him too."

Sue. He'd protected that girl twice, and now they were writing letters. And the way Ponyboy had drawn her…there had been something about that picture that Soda hadn't seen in his pictures before. Something about the way that girl had seemed to glow…and Soda knew it probably wouldn't be an issue, since she lived in New York and Ponyboy was in Tulsa. But if those two liked each other…Soda shook his head.

If Pony liked her, then Soda would sure as hell support him. And he knew Darry would too. Not to mention the gang. And if anybody wanted to say anything about it, then they could answer to all of them.

But that wasn't his most pressing issue right now. He knew a little about New York. Pony had talked some about that too. He'd even told him about beating up that guy that had tried to start trouble in the store. But he hadn't said a word to Soda about that foster house. Not really. He'd told the cop about it because he'd had to, but he'd done it when Soda wasn't there and Soda had a feeling that Pony had done that on purpose.

Why, though?

Before, Pony had talked to him about everything. Any time he'd had a problem just about, he'd come to Soda, even when their parents were alive. And if something had been bugging him and he hadn't come to Soda, Soda had gone to him, and he'd been able to get him to talk no problem. Now, though…now he seemed to be hell bent on avoiding him. Sure, he'd go places when Soda invited him, or hang out if he was around, but he didn't seek him out anymore. He didn't ask Soda if he could come places with him, or even talk much before they went to bed. And Darry had told him to wait…that the doctor had said that they needed to let Pony come to them. So he was trying awful hard. But he knew that Pony had been worried about this doctor's appointment all week, and it had only gotten worse as the day had gotten closer.

Darry was doing a real good job of not asking. Soda knew he was worried though. But he didn't yell anymore…not that Pony ever did anything to make him mad or anything. Pony seemed a little more relaxed around Darry these days, and Soda really was glad. It had been killing him to see those two fight all the time, Darry always stressed and irritable and Ponyboy sullen and angry. Now Pony got along with him real well…

But he didn't seem to want anything to do with Soda.

He went back to his magazine, glancing at the clock. Twenty minutes left. He never could hear anything from behind that door, and even though he was dying to ask Pony what they were talking about, he never did.

And still, after almost two months of being back, Pony still never came to him.

The door to her office opened then, and Soda jumped a little, looking up. The week before, it had been Doctor Song who had asked him to come in, and he was ready to do it again if his brother needed him. But it wasn't her…it was Ponyboy, and Soda could tell immediately that things hadn't gone well. Behind his brother, the therapist watched Ponyboy leave the room with pursed lips, her eyes kind of sad.

Pony didn't look sad though. He looked…

Dead.

That was the first word that came to mind and Soda brushed it off as he jumped to his feet. Pony wasn't dead. He was fine. He was just…pale. He looked sick, like he was just a few seconds away from falling over, but when Sodapop reached out for him, he pulled away almost absently, stepping around him and walking towards the door with a single-minded focus that scared him.

It was his eyes that looked dead. Flat and far off like he wasn't seeing the door he pushed open as Soda hurried after him. It wasn't right…Ponyboy wasn't supposed to look like that! He wasn't supposed to be like this!

He followed close behind his brother, feeling so sick and helpless he couldn't stand it. So he did what he'd always done before when Pony hadn't wanted to talk to him. He talked instead. "Hey, kiddo. I thought you still had some time before you were done."

Pony didn't answer, pushing the door to the lobby of the building open and making Soda catch it before it shut in his face.

"Pone? Hey, wait a second! Not all of us are on the track team, you know." When his brother didn't respond, he tried a different tactic, half jogging to keep up. "What's going on? Did she say something…"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Pony…" He knew better than to push. He knew it wouldn't work…Darry had told him as much, and he would know because he'd talked to that doctor about it. But this was Ponyboy…his baby brother that had always talked to him about everything! And he had to figure this out!

When his brother spoke again, his voice was just a little lighter…a little more normal, like he was trying so hard to seem okay. "I'm going to the library. Gonna get some books before they close."

"I can come with you."

"That's alright. I've got a blade." Pony shoved his hands in his pockets, heading in the direction of the library, and Soda knew he ought to let him go. But he couldn't stand this. The last time he'd been upset at therapy, Soda had been able to get through to him. Maybe he could do it again. So he smiled a little, making his voice gentle as he followed right behind Ponyboy.

"You want to tell me what you guys talked about?"

"No."

"C'mon, kiddo…"

"I said no, Soda." His voice had wound tighter into a warning, a tone he'd never used with Soda before they'd taken him away. Sometimes it was like they'd taken his brother away and he'd never come back, and Soda hated them for that more than anything. It reminded him of that day before he'd gone to therapy for the first time…how he'd thought for a second that his brother was going to take a swing at him.

Still, he tried again, reaching out and catching his brother's arm, tugging him back. He'd let Soda comfort him the week before. Maybe if he just tried a little harder he could get through to him! So he made his voice soft. "Hey, wait a second!" he urged, trying to get him to look at him. "Honey, I know…"

"You don't know anything!" Pony snapped, yanking his arm out of Soda's grip and whirling around, fists clenched like he'd like to throw a punch as he took a threatening step forward and practically yelling in his face. "Back the fuck off!"

Soda flinched like Pony had slapped him, feeling the same hopeless fury rise in him as that day they'd taken him away. Pony just turned, storming away without looking back, and Soda wanted to bawl right there on the sidewalk, he was so angry. Part of him wanted to grab his brother again…shove him, right there on the street, and have it out. Let the kid hit him if he really wanted to. If that would make him feel better, then Soda would do it!

But even he knew that Pony wasn't mad at him…not really. His kid brother reminded him of a dog caught in a trap. His eyes had been wide and terrified, ready to attack because he didn't know what else to do. Like he was gonna chew his own leg off if he couldn't get out. Soda wanted to grab him…to scream at him. I'll get you out! I'll help! You just have to let me!

But it didn't seem like Pony could even understand him anymore.

He went home first, head against the window of the bus as it took him back to their neighborhood. He threw their door open, letting the screen door slam behind him, then paced back and forth in the kitchen the kitchen, fighting the urge to grab some plates and start throwing them. God knew how Darry would react to that, and even as upset as he was, he knew that he didn't want to have to replace them. Feeling like he was about to explode, he yanked the fridge door open and grabbed a beer, downing it, then in a move he couldn't seem to control, he threw it against the wall with a scream, feeling a thrill go through him when it shattered.

What was he supposed to do? Darry had told him they had to wait…let Pony come to them. But what if he never did?

What if his brother was gone?

He reminded Soda of Dallas. That's what it was. He wasn't mean…but he could be. He had it in him to be mean now. Cold and cruel and dangerous. And it wasn't his fault! That was the worst part! It wasn't even his fault!

Richard had made him like this.

Soda stormed out of the house without bothering with the glass on the kitchen floor, hands patting at his pockets as he searched for a cigarette. He didn't have any, and he swore under his breath, then again, fighting the urge to scream some more. He couldn't fix this...he didn't know how to fix this. He needed to fix it though! He had to! He had to make Pony talk to him somehow, even if his brother took a swing at him! He couldn't keep doing this! He'd rather they just fight!

He wanted a fight.

And so he went to a place where he was sure he could find one.

He and Darry both had told Ponyboy not to go over to the bar where Buck Merril worked. Darry didn't even like him going there, but he hadn't outright told him not to and besides, Soda wouldn't have listened. He didn't go too often though, since drugs weren't his idea of a good time, and neither was country music, to be honest. Still, he threw the door open, going right to the bar and ordering a double, gripping the shot glass in his hand and throwing it back, then tapping the bar for another.

It was only about six when he got there, and he wasn't sure what time it was when Dallas joined him, but it couldn't have been too much later. Maybe an hour…he didn't know. All he knew was that he'd had two beers along with the shots and he was just waiting for some asshole to come along that he could fight.

His buddy gave him a long look, sitting on the stool beside him, beer in hand, not seeming put off when Soda ignored him. "Buck said one of the Curtis boys was here drinking himself to death…I gotta admit, I wasn't expecting to see you. Figured I'd have to skin the kid myself then take him to Darry and let him finish the job."

Sodapop threw another shot back, wondering if this was his third or fourth glass. He needed to slow down, he thought as his head spun, but he didn't want to. He didn't want to slow down…didn't think he could.

"Kind of early to be starting on the hard liquor, don't you think?"

"Beat it, Dal," he snapped, nodding when the bartender filled his glass again. His friend got a dangerous look in his eyes then, and Soda grinned. Maybe he could get into it with Dally…that might help him blow off some steam. And break some ribs, but he didn't care at the moment. Dally would fight fair, he was sure, if only to prevent Darry from coming after him.

"What the hell's your problem, man?" he snapped, and Soda spun around, the shot glass shaking in his hand. Then Dallas narrowed his eyes a little, looking closer like he was trying to see something. "What's going on? Something happen to the kid?"

"He wants me to back the fuck off," he told him, all but shouting, his voice slurring a little and his hand gripping the glass so hard he thought it might shatter…he wanted it to shatter! He was grinning a little, and he felt…hysterical! That was the word. He felt hysterical. "That's what he said! That's who my kid brother is now. Some…some asshole that screams at me in the street!" He didn't mean it, not even as he said it, but glory it felt good to yell. His whole body shook with how bad he just wanted to start screaming! "What am I supposed to do with that? How the hell can I help him when he…he hates me now!"

"That kid don't hate you," Dallas told him, somehow reasonable. Usually Dally would be all for screaming and fighting…but maybe, Soda thought, he was different now too. Maybe this had changed all of them.

That fucking asshole Richard had changed all of them.

Soda scoffed. It felt good to scream and curse and provoke someone who he might actually be able to fight. "What the hell do you know? It's like he never even came back! All that shit he went through…he's a different fucking person! And it ain't even his fault! It's not fair, Dally! It ain't fucking fair!" he screamed it, throwing his glass against the wall with a shaking hand, making the bartender slam a hand down on the wood, pointing a finger at him.

"You, out! Now!"

"Yeah? Who's gonna make me?" he shouted right back, jumping to his feet, hands shaking with how bad he wanted to throw a punch.

"Dallas…" the bartender started, a warning in his voice, and just this once, Dally was the voice of reason.

"Yeah, yeah, we're going!" he called to the bartender, one hand lifted like he was surrendering, the other one grabbing Soda and pulling him toward the doors. "Cut him some slack, alright? He's going through some shit." Then to Soda, "Let's go, man. You want him to call the fuzz?"

Let them, Soda almost shouted. Let them call the fuzz and I'll fight them too because I sure as hell can't beat the shit out of my little brother! Instead, he let Dallas drag him out, grabbing a chair and shoving it across the room as hard as he could on the way out.

He almost laughed when it slammed into the chair some big soc was sitting in, and the guy jumped to his feet.

"Oh for fuck's sake, Sodapop!"

Soda didn't hear the rest of what Dally said, but he kept going while Soda shoved the front doors open, turning and walking backwards and grinning when the soc and his buddy stepped out of the bar behind them, pool cues in hand.

There was no warning. One second they were facing off in the parking lot, and then a pool cue whacked him so hard in the head he went staggering, groaning in pain, but he didn't fall. Beside him, Dallas was throwing himself at the other one, and Soda followed suit, grinning every time his fist made contact. Those socs fought hard, but Soda barely even felt the blows as they landed. All he could feel were his shaking hands as they pummeled the guy he'd gotten a hold of. If he didn't look too close, he could pretend it was Richard he was beating half to death, pool stick long forgotten. He could pretend that he had the man who'd nearly killed his little brother, his hand fisted too tight in the collar of his shirt as his other fist came down again and again until Dally yanked him off, shoving him away.

"Enough, man, holy shit! You wanna go down for murder?"

"Shit…" he muttered, staggering away from the prone body on the ground, and Dallas grabbed his arm, half dragging him away. His head felt like soup, which was a weird thing to think, but everything was all…sloshy.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" Dally went on swearing, sounding more worried than mad as he dragged him up the back steps of the bar, and Soda was pretty sure they were in his room, but the last thing he knew, he was falling over, landing on something soft.

When Soda opened his eyes, he was laying down on a bed. And he smelled smoke. And everything hurt. Turning, he saw Dallas, his buddy's face lit only by the faint lights coming from the parking lot and the burning end of his cigarette.

"Man, the next time you and the kid fight, find another bar to drown yourself in, would ya?" Dallas touched his own nose, flinching. "Goddamnit, Sodapop. You know I live here, right?"

He blinked at his friend, groaning at the way his head pounded just from that little action. "How long was I out?"

"It's almost eleven so…four hours? Five? Give or take."

"What, you just left me to die?"

"Let you sleep in my bed, didn't I?" Dally grinned a little. "You gonna be able to make it home without picking another fight?"

He nodded, wincing when that hurt too. He might have won that fight, but it sure didn't feel like it. Glory he was sore. He did feel less drunk though, so that was probably good. He couldn't tell if his headache was from the poolstick he'd taken to the head or the beginnings of a hangover. "Yeah. I'll be fine." His mouth felt like it was full of cotton and he glanced over at the nightstand, spotting a glass half full of what he guessed was water. Soda grabbed it, downing the whole thing, not caring that it was lukewarm.

"What's going on with the kid?"

"Nothing new," he muttered, not wanting to get into it, then forcing himself to his feet, swaying when he managed to stand and wiping the back of his hand over his mouth. "I gotta get home before Darry freaks out."

Dallas didn't argue, and so Soda began the long, painful walk home. Thankfully some guy driving around offered him a ride, probably because he felt sorry for him, and it was nearly midnight when Soda finally stumbled through the front door.

Darry looked up at him, eyes going wide as he jumped to his feet. "Glory, Soda, what happened to you?" he hissed, his voice barely above a whisper as he glanced at Pony's closed bedroom door.

Soda tried to shoulder past him, eyes hot as he fought not to break down crying like a baby, but Darry caught him, hands on his shoulders as he looked at his bleeding lip and crooked nose. That soc had got him good, but Soda had won…there was no reason for him to cry. Especially not when it had been his fault in the first place.

Except for the fact that his little brother didn't seem to want anything to do with him anymore. The fight sure hadn't fixed that.

"Where have you been?" Darry asked when it was obvious he wasn't going to answer, tilting his face up, and Soda fought the urge to pull away. He wanted to fight some more…to find another soc and start something until he could stop feeling so damn helpless. But taking a swing at Darry wasn't going to accomplish that.

"Buck's," he answered, voice flat as Darry dragged him to the bathroom, ignoring the reproving look his brother sent him.

"Are you okay?"

"Will you stop? I'm fine," he grumbled when his brother pressed a rag to his bleeding face.

"Stay still," he reprimanded, shaking his head. "What did you do? You look like somebody took a baseball bat to you or something."

"You should see the other guy," he replied automatically.

Darry's eyebrows flew up. "Does he look worse than you? Hell, is he dead?"

"He's fine," Soda muttered, sullen. He was pretty sure the guy had still been breathing, at least.

"What's going on with you, Pepsi Cola?" Darry asked softly, pulling back just a little, and Soda felt like he was going to break all of a sudden, the heat returning to his eyes as he fought not to cry. Darry softened, putting a hand on the back of his head where he probably felt the knot that throbbed in time with his heartbeat. "Hey…what's wrong? You hurt anywhere else?"

Soda shook his head. "I'm fine," he whispered. "Just…got in some stupid fight. Dal was there. He backed me up. It's nothing."

"It ain't nothing." Darry hesitated, then grimaced. "Does this have something to do with Pony?"

"It's my own fault. You told me not to push him…I did it anyway. It was dumb." Darry just waited. "Sometimes…Dar, sometimes it's like he never came home." He sniffed, wiping a hand over his eyes. "I know it ain't his fault but…I just want him to be alright, you know? Sometimes…when I try to help, he lets me, but other times, it's like he hates me for it."

"Yeah…I know," Darry murmured, patting his shoulder. "But you going and getting yourself beat all to hell ain't gonna fix that."

"Ain't nothing going to fix it," he whispered, shaking his head and feeling so dizzy he couldn't stand it. "What if…Darry, what if…"

What if he was always like this?

What if he finally blew up?

What if he did like some guys and turned to drinking or drugs or something to cope?

What if they lost him for real?

"Stop," Darry commanded, shaking his head. "Pony's gonna be fine, you hear me? We all are. He went through something awful, Soda. We can't just expect him to suddenly be okay."

"But if…if he'd just talk to me…" Soda trailed off, wiping impatiently at his eyes. "He always used to talk to me. But now he doesn't want nothing to do with me."

Darry squeezed the back of his neck. "Kiddo, that's not true."

"Yeah it is." He was silent for a moment, then he looked up at Darry, feeling his stomach clench. "Do…do you think he blames me?"

Darry shook his head, looking sick. "Soda, if anything he ought to blame me."

He didn't know what to say to that…how to argue it or make it any better. Because there was still a part of him, an awful, mean part, that did blame Darry. Darry had been the one to hit him! To fight with him all the time! To insist they couldn't go find him because if they did that, they might lose any chance they had of getting him back. But Soda couldn't say any of that.

Instead, he pulled away. "Guess I'd better go to bed. Sleep this off." He tried to give Darry a smile, then went into the bedroom he shared with his little brother, hesitating only a second before opening the door.

Pony was sitting at his desk, staring down at a textbook, but when he looked up, he froze, jaw literally dropping, and the look on his face would have been funny if Soda hadn't been hurting so bad. Or if he hadn't still been pissed off at him. Because he was, he realized. Even if it wasn't Pony's fault, he was still mad. He dropped onto the bed, head hitting the pillow painfully as he tried to push down his anger. He wasn't angry with Pony, he told himself again and again. It wasn't his fault. He was trying so hard…

But that was a lie because Soda was so mad he couldn't stand it, and somehow fighting that soc hadn't fixed it.

"Soda? What happened?"

"Nothing," he told him shortly, closing his eyes. Part of him wanted to go to his own room and lock the door…if Pony wanted him to back the fuck off, he'd back the fuck off. But as soon as he thought it, he hated himself for it. His little brother still had those nightmares, and although sometimes he'd leave the room, other times he'd tuck himself real close against Soda's side, like he needed Soda to protect him from monsters.

That's what he'd said once when he'd been real little and he'd climbed into Soda's bed.

"Soda? There's a monster under the bed."

And instead of telling his five-year-old brother that there was no such thing as monsters, he'd nodded, pulling him close like he remembered Darry doing for him when he'd been younger, and he'd told him the same thing their nine or ten year old brother had told Soda at the time. "It's okay, Pony. I'll protect you. Nothing can get you when I'm around."

Pony never came to him anymore.

"Soda…"

"You wanted me to back off, I'm backing off!" he snapped, turning and glaring and daring his little brother to keep pushing.

Pony looked pale and scared all of a sudden, nodding and swallowing hard as he dropped his eyes. And Soda wanted to scream some more. They'd finally gotten to the point where Pony had started to relax a little around them. To meet their eyes without his hands shaking. And now he'd probably ruined it, because he couldn't do a single damn thing right.

Eyes hot, he dropped onto the pillow and rolled over, trying not to start bawling. He heard the click of the lamp, and as he glared into the dark room, he felt Pony sit on the bed behind him, then lay down, hesitant like he was scared. He didn't want Ponyboy to be scared of him! No matter how mad he was, he'd never wanted that. Not ever. So he reached back, grabbing Ponyboy's arm without looking, squeezing over the fabric of his shirt that hid the cigarette burns he never let anyone see.

I love you, he wanted to say. I love you so much I'd do anything for you but I don't know how to do this!

But he was quiet, and so was his brother for a long time, but he heard his breathing even out a little, like he was calming down.

"Today…Doctor Song…she wanted me to talk about Lianne," Pony whispered into the darkness like a peace offering, and Soda felt his little brother shudder. He moved without thinking, rolling over and throwing an arm around Pony, and for a second he thought his brother was going to cry…to finally let some of that pain out. Because he knew Pony was hurting. He knew that it was building up inside of him, no matter how he wanted to ignore it. But Pony didn't cry. He just took another deep, shuddering breath and rested his head on Soda's shoulder, scooting closer like Soda could still protect him from the monster in the room.

He would. He'd protect him from anything. But it was too late.

The monster had already gotten him.

"Did you?" Soda asked, keeping his voice neutral and trying to sound like he wasn't crying.

"No. I…I couldn't do it."

"Will you talk to me about her?"

"I can't," he whispered, almost pleading, and it felt like something in Soda's chest fractured when his brother sniffed, like he was trying so hard not to cry it hurt.

Soda knew he ought to quit, but, like he'd told Pony, he'd always been dumb. Too dumb for school, and too dumb to quit when he ought to. "Please? Will you tell me something about her? Just one thing?"

Pony was quiet for so long that he thought he might have gone to sleep…or maybe that he was just ignoring him. But then, so soft Soda could barely hear him, Pony spoke. "She wanted to go to Australia," he whispered, and when Soda glanced over at him, his brother was staring at the ceiling, a tear running down the side of his face. He talked like he was prying the words out. "She told me that she…she read about kangaroos in a book once, and she was crazy about them. Asked me to draw her one and I did. She told me that she was gonna get a job and buy a plane ticket to Australia and never come back."

Pony's voice broke at the end, and Soda pulled him close, holding him tightly like that could keep him together. Like he could fix it for him. "We'll have to go for her one day," he whispered, a hand against the back of Pony's hair as he gripped Soda's shirt. "We'll save up…I bet kangaroos are pretty tuff. I'd like to see one too. Me, you, and Darry…we'll all go."

Pony nodded, his grip on Soda's arm painful, like he was holding on for dear life. "Okay." He buried his face into Soda's shoulder, shaking hard, and Soda held him tighter. "Soda?"

"Yeah, kiddo?"

"I'm sorry."

Soda wanted to scream.

He wanted to hunt Richard down and beat him to death with his bare hands.

He wanted to slug Dally in the face for not bringing Pony right to him when he'd first found him, and he wanted to go back in time and shake himself…to scream in his own face that he needed to find Pony right then, the social workers be damned!

He wanted to grab Darry by the shoulders before he could ever hit their little brother and shake him until he got through to him. "They're going to take him! If you can't stop fighting with him, we're going to lose him and I don't know if he'll ever be okay again!"

He wanted to go back to the first time Richard had tried to put a cigarette out on his brother's arm and shove the thing down his throat, then wrap his arms around his scared, lonely little brother and promise that it was okay. That they'd run away together because he wasn't going to let this happen.

That he'd protect him.

He wanted to look Ponyboy in the eyes and beg him to be his little brother again…the one who'd trusted him with everything. The one who'd been his best friend and who'd never screamed at him in the middle of the street or raised his fists like he was just barely able to stop himself from hitting him.

Instead, he smoothed his hair back, tucking Pony's head under his chin and holding him like a monster was in the room, and he was going to protect him. "It's okay, honey. It's okay."

And he didn't let go until he fell asleep.

Chapter Text

Darry stood in the bathroom doorway for a long time, staring at Soda and Pony's closed bedroom door and feeling, for the thousandth time since his little brother had come back, that he was failing. He couldn't seem to do anything for Ponyboy who was trying so hard to act like everything was normal that Darry could hardly stand to watch after everything, and Soda…glory, he thought, Sodapop was having an even rougher time of it than he was, and that was saying something. Soda had never been someone to go out looking for fights like this. It was getting to him…all of this shit with Pony…he'd been watching them both closely for weeks now, wondering which of his brothers was going to blow up first.

Soda, apparently.

He'd gotten home earlier around six, more tired than usual and hoping against hope that someone had started dinner. He may have stayed out too late the night before, he'd thought with a sigh, hanging up his tool belt, but it had felt like he had to do something. He knew that Pony was trying awful hard to act normal, and he'd decided to do the same. So he'd headed out, leaving Ponyboy with Johnny and meeting up with some old high school buddies.

His friends had all been glad to see him, and they'd asked about Ponyboy. They all knew his kid brothers, even though they weren't close to him or anything like the gang. Those guys were like family. These guys…they were just old friends he met to go to the gym with or, occasionally, before his parents had died, to go skiing with.

Darry had given them all half answers, assuring them that Pony was fine, which was a blatant lie. Of course the kid wasn't fine. And it was Darry's fault, he knew. It was his fault for fighting with him all the time…for always getting on him over every little thing. For letting his own stress and frustration spill over until Ponyboy had started just avoiding him altogether. It was his fault for hitting him. His fault for not trying to find him after that third phone call when Soda had been so worried, telling him that something was wrong…really wrong. That Ponyboy had sounded different.

Scared. His brother had been scared.

Why hadn't he pushed harder? Why hadn't he asked Dal for help? His buddy had already been looking for Ponyboy! He'd never said anything to them about it, but apparently Dally had been looking for him since day one. Why hadn't Darry? Why had he been so afraid?

Because he'd known that if they got in trouble, they'd never get him back. They'd lose what slim chance they had of seeing him again!

But it still hurt like nothing else to know that this was his fault.

When he'd gotten home, the house had been silent. So, giving up on the idea of dinner being ready and figuring Soda had taken Pony somewhere after therapy, he'd gone into the kitchen, not noticing the glass until it had crunched under his shoe. He'd jerked back, looking around at the bottle that had been shattered on the kitchen floor, more perplexed than angry for the moment.

Who would break a beer bottle in their kitchen and just leave it? Especially when they knew it would piss him off…

The door had opened and shut then, quiet enough that he knew it wasn't Dallas, and he hadn't figured Steve would come around since Soda was out, so he'd taken a guess. "Pone?" he'd called.

"Yeah?" Pony had asked, footsteps approaching, but Darry had held up a hand as his youngest brother had appeared in the doorway.

"Don't come in here."

"What's wrong?" Immediately Ponyboy's voice had gone real tense as he'd looked around, and Darry had tempered his own voice a little, not wanting him to worry.

"Nothing. There's just broken glass on the floor. Don't want you to get cut."

Pony had followed his gaze to the shards of glass all over the floor from where he'd stood in the doorway, eyes narrowing in confusion. "You drop a bottle?" There had been plenty of skepticism in his voice, and Darry had shaken his head.

"Wasn't me. I just got home."

Something had passed over Pony's face then, almost like guilt. "Then who was it?"

"No idea. Grab me the broom?" Darry had asked, and he'd nodded.

"Sure."

"You go somewhere after the doctor?" Darry had wondered as Pony had gone to do as he'd asked, and he'd marked him off his potential list of suspects. He didn't think Pony would have gotten home, drank a beer, broken the bottle, then left. Hell, even if the kid had drank some, he would have cleaned it up to hide the evidence.

"Yeah. The library," he'd told him, handing the broom over.

Darry had bit back all of his questions about the actual appointment, reminding himself of what Doctor Song had said. No matter how hard he wanted to push, he wasn't going to do it. He'd already screwed up enough. The doctor had given him real clear instructions and by god, he was going to do at least one thing right.

"Did Soda go with you to the library?" he'd asked instead.

"No."

Darry had glanced back, unable to help his surprise at Pony's tone. There it had been again…guilt. Worry. Something else. "Where'd he run off to?"

Pony had just shrugged.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah, sure."

He hadn't believed that, not for one second. But he also hadn't known how to ask for more information. "You eat yet?"

Pony had hesitated, and Darry had been sure that he was about to lie. Instead, he'd shaken his head. "Nah. Just went to the library and came home."

"What do you want?"

The kid had just shrugged. "Doesn't matter. I ain't really hungry."

Darry had nodded slowly, fighting the urge to feel his forehead…to ask if he was sick, or if he'd eaten earlier, or if it was because of that doctor's appointment that he was feeling bad. To ask what they'd talked about, and if it was helping, or if dragging all this back up was just making him feel worse. "Yeah, alright kiddo. You still gotta eat something, though. How about soup?"

He'd nodded, and when it had come time to eat, he'd picked listlessly at his dinner, managing to eat the food Darry had set in front of him, then cleaning up the dishes, rolling up his sleeves again. Darry could hardly believe it. The first time he'd done it, Darry had about tripped over his own two feet. He hadn't let himself speak…had barely let himself look. But Pony hadn't said anything. He'd just done the dishes, both times, and had gone on to his room. And Darry had cleaned up the kitchen behind him, pretending that this was totally normal…that the last time he'd seen his arms hadn't been that first day on the porch, when he'd looked up to find Pony's eyes unfocused and far-off.

He knew that Pony was running track, and that he had to have short sleeves for that if he was wearing the track uniform. So maybe, he'd thought, Pony was getting better. But Darry knew that pretending that everything was okay wasn't going to work forever.

He went to bed right after Soda did, figuring he ought to get some sleep. He and Soda were both off the next day, so maybe they could all do something. Play football or grill out before it got too cold…or maybe Ponyboy would shake his head at their invitations like he almost always seemed to these days and go off on his own, or with Johnny, and Soda would try not to be hurt, and Darry would be stuck on the sidelines, not sure how to fix any of this.

It was the door that woke him. Every once in a while after a nightmare, Ponyboy would go out onto the porch, just standing there and staring out at nothing. Usually, he headed back to bed pretty soon, but this morning, Darry heard the door shut and several minutes passed with no other sounds. He couldn't fall back to sleep without knowing that the kid wasn't going to accidentally freeze to death on the porch, so he climbed out of bed, rubbing his eyes as he looked at the clock.

2:30am. Fantastic, he thought with a sigh. Well…at least he was off the next day.

He looked around the living room first, then, when he didn't find anyone, he headed to the kitchen and looked through the back door, finding Ponyboy exactly where he'd expected him to be. He waited for a minute, wondering if the kid was going to come back inside or even look over his shoulder, but he seemed pretty intent on the empty backyard. So Darry opened the back door, trying not to notice when he flinched, and moved over to his side, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

He couldn't help his smile of relief when Ponyboy leaned against him, relaxing at his side. Before they'd taken him..back when he and Darry had been fighting so much, Pony had stopped coming to him. For anything. He hadn't acted like he wanted anything to do with him, and looking back, Darry couldn't really blame the kid. But Darry had sworn afterwards that as soon as he got him back, he would fix their relationship. That he would be his big brother again…the one he could go to for anything.

He hadn't realized at the time how hard it would be…or how different Pony would be.

But he was trying so hard to fix it.

And despite everything, and how much shit his kid brother was going through, it seemed to have worked, at least a little. The kid leaned against his side instead of pulling away, huddled against him, head dropping onto his shoulder like he was tired. Since it was only about two in the morning, he wouldn't doubt it.

"How long have you been out here? You're freezing," Darry murmured, rubbing his hand up and down his arm.

"Sorry," Pony told him, shivering a little, and shrugging. "I know I don't use my head." He said it with a sad smile, and Darry flinched like he'd hit him.

"I wasn't gonna say that." He wasn't ever going to say those words again. Hell, he'd like to go back in time and shake himself. To ask himself, do you know what you're doing to him? He's fourteen! He's scared and hurting, and if you don't stop, it's going to get so much worse!

He'd had no idea how much worse things could get.

"Come on, kiddo," he urged instead. "Let's go inside. It's too cold out here."

"Darry?"

Pony's voice stopped him in his tracks, and he looked down at him, but he couldn't see his face. He was staring down at the ground, and Darry wanted to tilt his face up…to look him in the eye and somehow see what was going on in his head. "Yeah?"

Ponyboy was quiet for a long time, but Darry just kept his arm around him, squeezing him hard in a hug, trying to convey without words that it was okay. That whatever it was, he could say it. When he finally spoke, his voice was weak…almost scared. "It's…it's my fault. That Soda went out and got into a fight."

Darry shook his head. "It's not your fault, Pony…"

"I yelled at him. I…after therapy he…he tried to get me to talk about it and…" He shook his head. "I don't know what's wrong with me, Darry," his voice broke and Darry turned, holding him close, a hand resting on the back of his head. He wanted to tell him that nothing was wrong with him…that Darry wouldn't let anything be wrong with him.

But something was wrong with him. Something bad. And Darry had no idea how to fix it.

"I walked out of therapy." Ponyboy swallowed, gripping the back of his shirt and shivering harder, but he didn't know if it was because of the cold or because he was scared. "She wanted me to talk…but I couldn't. I couldn't do it," he whispered, and Darry wanted their dad so bad he couldn't stand it.

He wanted to ask their parents what to do. Ask them how he was supposed to fix this! They'd left him in charge and all he'd done was screw up worse and worse and now…what the hell was he supposed to say to that?

"It's okay," he murmured, feeling like a fraud. How the hell was he allowed to do this? How could Soda and Pony look to him for anything when he didn't know what the hell he was doing. "It's okay, kiddo." He rested his hand on Pony's head and ran the other up and down his back, wishing their dad were there to do it instead. Ponyboy didn't cry…he just hid his face in Darry's shirt, holding on for dear life, and Darry decided to go for some honestly. "I don't know how to help," he whispered, like he was admitting to some awful crime… it felt like one. "But I'm here, okay? I'm right here with you, kiddo. Always will be."

"I missed you," Pony whispered, shuddering again. "In that boy's home…and…that house…I missed you so much."

Darry squeezed him harder, remembering that pain that had seemed to encompass him every single day while his brother had been away, back before he'd known he was safe. "I missed you too. More than anything."

"I'm sorry…about before. I kept fighting with you…"

"Stop," he ordered softly, not able to stomach that apology. "It ain't like that anymore, Pony. You don't have to apologize."

"It was my fault. All of this…"

"No it wasn't. It wasn't just you, Pony. I shouldn't have been…". He shook his head, taking a deep breath. Soda had always been better at stuff like this. But he had to try. "I made plenty of mistakes too. None of this was your fault."

Pony just gave that sad, resigned smile he'd started to dread seeing. He didn't believe him…but that didn't mean Darry was going to stop saying it. Not ever. Not until he believed him.

The wind blew, making someone's windchimes jingle in the distance, and Pony shivered, looking around like he'd just realized where they were. "It's cold out here."

Darry couldn't help laughing a little, rubbing his back again and grinning as he pulled away, keeping his hands on Pony's shoulders. If Pony wanted to change the subject, then that was fine. This was something, he told himself. Pony had turned to him for something. So he was counting that as a win. "Yeah, kiddo. It's almost October. And it's 2am." He squeezed his shoulders. "Let's go inside," he urged, and Pony nodded, following him inside, then letting Darry wrap a blanket from the sofa around him, rubbing his arms to try and warm him up.

He wanted to ask if he felt okay. If he was awake because he wasn't feeling good or if he'd had nightmares. But he didn't want Pony to think he was upset with him and he didn't want to get on him and he wanted to act normal. Sometimes he felt like all of this was a balancing act, and he was sure to fall any second. So he just rubbed his arms, then pulled away, trying to suppress a yawn and only sort of succeeding. "You want to go back to bed?"

Pony nodded, dropping the blanket and rubbing his eyes, and if it hadn't been for that scar on his face, he would have looked just like a little kid. His hair was growing out, his natural brown pushing out the blond, and Darry wondered how long it would be before he could cut the blond off…and if that would make things seem more normal.

Darry went back to bed when Pony did, listening for a little while to make sure his brothers both stayed in bed, then finally dropped off.

When he woke, the sun was coming in through his curtains, making him groan and roll over. He hadn't set an alarm, and it took him a minute of staring at the clock to realize it was past noon. Their house was oddly quiet, and he wondered if that was because Pony and Soda were trying to let him sleep or because they had run off somewhere. Deciding to investigate, he climbed out of bed and poked his head into Pony's room. It was empty, the bed haphazardly made, but it looked like those two had at least cleaned up some since there was no laundry on the floor. The bathroom was empty, and the kitchen and living room were silent. On the stove was a plate wrapped in foil, and he pulled it off to find a bacon and egg sandwich.

He sat at the kitchen table, picking up the note there and taking a bite of his sandwich, not caring that it was mostly cold.

"Pony went to meet Johnny. I'm taking Alice to hang out with Steve and Evie. -Soda."

Well, that answered that.

Darry decided to take advantage of the empty house and got some cleaning done, figuring the people from the state would probably be coming by soon. Then he grabbed the mail, flipping through the junk he threw away and the bills that he dropped on the kitchen table, then freezing when one envelope caught his eye.

Ponyboy Curtis.

A letter for his brother…from Sue Williams.

Darry knew next to nothing about Sue. She was the daughter of Pony's old boss. He'd helped her out when some guy had been bothering her, and had protected her from the guys that had come to the store to cause trouble. She had gotten him and Johnny that job. And Soda had told him that she'd written him a letter that neither of them had asked Ponyboy about.

Apparently, Pony had written back.

From the time Darry had gotten custody of his brothers, he'd been too busy to think much about when his youngest brother would finally discover girls. Soda had been seeing Sandy since before their parents, and she'd come over sometimes, so he was used to it with him, but whenever Soda asked their little brother if there were any girls he liked in his class, Pony had apparently always brushed him off. He knew that Soda had been really torn up about Sandy, but he hadn't talked to Darry about it, and now he seemed to like this Alice girl pretty well, which probably meant he'd bring her by sometime. Pony, on the other hand, had never brought a girl over. As far as Darry could tell, he'd never really talked to girls much. But this Sue girl was writing him letters, and they'd talked on the phone once…

So what did that mean?

He took the letter into their bedroom, placing it on Ponyboy's desk, then paused, fingers resting on his sketchbook.

Pony had never really cared to show them the stuff he was drawing. Darry would sometimes look over his shoulder, watching him sketch animals or one of the gang…his drawings of Dallas were uncanny. He could always get that look on his face…the dangerous one, where his eyes glittered, mouth turned up in a feral smile, just right.

But just because Pony never minded showing them his drawings, that didn't mean Darry had ever gone through his stuff. Because he didn't. Not ever. They didn't have a ton of privacy, squished together in that little house, especially since Soda slept in his room. Their friends knew just about everything about their life, and he knew that got on Ponyboy's nerves sometimes. So Darry didn't get into his stuff, especially not his sketchbooks or anything like that, and he knew that Soda didn't either.

Glancing over at the empty doorway and feeling guilty, Darry rested his hand on the sketchbook. He knew he shouldn't be doing this…he really did. But also…this was the sketchbook that Pony had brought back from New York. So maybe…maybe he could just take a peek…get a glimpse of his little brother's life from those months when he hadn't been in it.

The first picture was a park and Darry let out a relieved breath. Parks were nice. It was a good drawing. Pony was talented…always had been good at art. So maybe his brother had spent a lot of time at the park. That wasn't so bad.

And then he turned the page.

The teenage girl stood on a sagging porch, elbow resting on the railing, a cigarette hanging from her fingers. She was smirking, rolling her eyes skyward, looking at the ceiling of the porch. Lianne, he realized suddenly. This was her. Darry had tried not to think too much about Lianne, the other girl Ponyboy had tried so hard to protect. But here she was. A thirteen-year-old girl. And she was dead. Ponyboy had watched her die…no…that wasn't all. He'd watched those men rape her and stab her…and then Richard had tried to kill him too.

They could have been together in that makeshift grave behind the bar where he'd hidden. That cop could have come by that night to tell them that they'd found Ponyboy's body behind that bar.

Darry swallowed hard, looking away from the pretty dead girl and feeling sick, then shut the sketchbook, looking around the room like his brother was going to pop up and yell at him or something. He'd seen Lianne's picture in the news, back when her body had first been found. He'd felt sick then too, looking at that girl's picture flash on the screen before Soda had changed the channel.

Was she why Ponyboy had walked out of therapy, he wondered. Had the doctor wanted to talk about her? Or about Richard? Glory, there was so much his kid brother couldn't stand to talk about…so much Darry couldn't stand to ask him. So many accusations he kept waiting for his brother to make.

Why didn't you find me?

Why didn't you protect me?

Darry opened the sketchbook again, shaking his head at himself and flipping past her picture. He knew he shouldn't be doing this. There was no better way to break his brother's trust…but Pony wasn't there, and he couldn't ask him about New York, so maybe there were more clues here.

Thankfully there were no more pictures of Lianne. Instead, he found pictures of Johnny at the grocery store where they must have worked, and then at the library. James in what must have been his living room. A picture of the church he must have gone to. And then, a picture of another girl.

Sue. It had to be.

And Darry had never seen a drawing of his brother's like it.

The girl practically glowed. If Darry had to guess, he'd say she was about Pony's age, with her hair in braids, her smile bright and sweet.

So this, Darry thought, was Sue. Marcus's cousin. Their boss's daughter. And, if he had to guess, the girl his brother liked. He doubted it would be much of an issue…after all, she lived in New York.

They were writing letters, though. That had to mean something.

And, Darry thought grimly, shutting the sketchbook again and placing the letter on top, if it did turn into something else, there were going to be people that didn't like it. But if they wanted to hurt his little brother, they were going to have to go through him first.

Darry left his brother's room, then grabbed his newspaper, dropping into the recliner and trying not to look guilty, which was ridiculous since he was alone. He wasn't sure what time his brothers would be back, but he figured that Dallas would join Pony and Johnny at some point, and Two-Bit was most likely with Rita, so he decided he'd enjoy a rare day to himself without people running in and out of the house, blasting the radio so loud he worried that someone would call the cops.

It was nearly three when the phone rang, making him jump a little, dropping the newspaper to grab it. Wondering if one of his brothers was checking in, he sandwiched the receiver in between his shoulder and his ear, looking back down at his paper. "Hello?"

"Hello. Is Ponyboy there?"

Immediately his hackles went up, but he stopped himself from snapping at the girl on the other line, reminding himself that this was, in fact, a girl, and that not every person that called them out of the blue was a threat. Hell, they almost never were…maybe he was still a little on edge because of Richard.

But there had to be an explanation as to why a girl was calling for Pony. Maybe…maybe his brother knew a girl at school? Two-Bit hadn't said anything but he might not know.

"He's not home right now. Who's this?" he asked, trying not to sound abrupt. Or suspicious. Normal, he ordered himself. Just sound like a normal person.

Glory, maybe he needed to talk to that counselor.

"Oh, sorry. Um, this is Sue. Sue Williams."

Oh, he thought dumbly. Sue. Immediately his mind flashed back to the picture his brother had done of her. This was Sue.

His first instinct was to start asking questions. Why was she calling? Why were they writing letters? What had he been like in New York? Did she like him? Were they just friends?

But he knew that his little brother would be even more upset about that than if he found out Darry had gone through his sketchbook without asking, so he reigned himself in, reminding himself that he'd probably have to get used to girls calling and asking for Ponyboy. Soda, too, since his brother apparently had a new girl now.

"Hi, Sue. I've talked to your dad some. This is Darry, his big brother."

"Oh, Ponyboy told me about you. Nice to meet you."

He blinked in surprise at that. Pony had told her about him? What exactly had he told her? Once more, he didn't let himself ask. "You too. He'll probably be back later tonight. I'll let him know you called, though."

Sue thanked him, and he put the phone down, staring at it for a long moment before picking his newspaper up again.

A girl was calling for Ponyboy. His brother had walked out of therapy and fought with Sodapop. He was writing letters to a girl in New York.

But there was nothing he could do about any of that at the moment, so he finished reading his paper, then decided to run to the grocery to grab some food before he started making dinner.

Chapter Text

Sometimes it felt like time was dragging by so slow, Pony didn't know how he was able to stand it, but then, he'd look up and realize a week had passed without him noticing. In class, when he was listening to his social studies teacher go on about the Romans or the Greeks or whichever one they were learning about now, it felt like every hour lasted a whole day. Then it would be time for lunch and he'd ride along with Steve and Johnny and go see Sodapop, or eat lunch in the cafeteria with Johnny.

Greasers didn't usually eat in the cafeteria, but Darry kept giving him lunch money and it didn't feel right not to spend it at least sometimes, and Johnny would always sit with him, so he had someone watching his back. Sometimes the guys from the track team would join them too, and they were all cool with Johnny, the group of them talking and laughing. The socs didn't usually bother them since Johnny and Pony were both pretty well known as guys you didn't want to mess with, and besides, they wouldn't start nothing with all the track guys around.

Bob and Randy still gave them sideways looks, scowling and looking down at them like they were going to jump them the first chance they got, but Steve or Two-Bit were usually around and besides, Ponyboy had his blade. Johnny too. And everyone knew it. Steve kept close to Johnny in PE, and they'd all find each other between classes, talking and catching up, or sometimes going outside, the others smoking and Pony just standing around and trying not to breathe it. Trying not to remember the smell of his skin burning, or how it felt, after, when he'd try to clean the burns with cold water and alcohol.

Pony did his homework, and he ran track after school. He helped clean up dinner and he told himself over and over that Soda being distant with him was a good thing. His brother was around, of course. He was always ready to listen if Pony wanted to talk. He was friendly, and at night, when Ponyboy woke up with nightmares, he would hold him if he was awake, telling him that it was alright. That he was home, and he was safe. But it wasn't the same as before, and it felt like that might be the thing that finally broke him.

Soda wasn't mad. But it was like…like he'd backed off. Just like Pony had wanted.

He'd hoped, when he'd first started therapy, that he'd be able to tell his brothers everything someday when it didn't hurt anymore. That he'd be able to say all of it, just like Dr. Song could tell her own story, and that he wouldn't break down or cry or feel like it was all happening again. But every time he even thought about it, it felt impossible. Because it was going to hurt. So much. He was going to start talking and he was afraid he wouldn't be able to stop.

But Soda being upset with him was just about the worst thing in the world.

It wouldn't make either of them feel better if he started talking, he knew. Hell, it might even make Soda more upset with him. It was better, he told himself, that Soda had backed off. That's what he wanted! But by the time Friday rolled around, he didn't know if he could take it anymore.

And everyone knew that something was going on. Darry kept giving them looks, lips pursed like he was going to say something, but he never did, not even when Sodapop left the house without even saying goodbye to them. And Pony certainly never volunteered anything. When Johnny had finally mustered up the courage to ask, Pony had just shrugged and told him Soda was seeing some new girl, so he guessed he was spending his time with her.

But he was always back in time for bed.

Just like Pony had been.

Always make sure to be home before Richard went to Rita's room.

Always make sure to be home before Ponyboy had nightmares.

And then a whisper came from his right, a hand moving towards him from the corner of his eye. "Hey!"

Pony flinched so hard he slammed his back into the chair, his whole body jerking away from the hand that had reached for him, and he cursed himself for letting himself space out like that again. He hadn't done it in a while…had managed to stay present. But Soda being upset with him seemed to make everything harder…seemed to make him worry all the time, like was he doing the right thing? Was he ever going to be okay again?

Everyone in study hall had turned back to glance at them, but they all turned around when neither he nor Two-Bit made any move to look back. Instead, his friend leaned in, a slow hand landing on his shoulder. "What's wrong, kid?" he asked, still whispering, once the teacher went back to their own work.

"Nothing."

Two-Bit narrowed his eyes, crossing his arms and giving him a look that told him he didn't believe that for a second. For a second, Pony hoped that he'd let it go, but no luck. "You feel sick or something?"

"No."

"Then what's going on?"

"Nothing. Don't you have homework?"

Two-Bit narrowed his eyes and Pony stared down at his paper, wondering why it was hitting him so hard today. He wasn't scared of Two-Bit. He wasn't scared of any of them. He was fine. He was being normal. It had been working!

Why had the therapist brought up Lianne?

And what about the next session? Would she push him to talk? Or had she told the social worker that he'd walked out? Would the social worker come to the house? Ask him why he'd walked out? Take him away again?

Why was he thinking about this? He'd avoided it all week!

Ponyboy shoved his seat back from his desk when his stomach rebelled, ignoring all the eyes on him as he hurried out of the room, muttering the word 'bathroom' to the teacher who didn't get the chance to stop him.

He dropped to his knees in the first stall, losing what little lunch he'd managed to eat, his hands shaking as he struggled to hold himself up. A hand landed on his back after a few seconds and even though he told himself it was probably Two-Bit, his mind flashed to Richard anyway…Richard holding a cigarette to his arm or pulling back a foot to kick him…Richard standing over Lianne…

He threw up again, even though he'd barely eaten breakfast, and Two-Bit managed to kneel behind him in the tiny space, a hand rubbing his back. At least…he was pretty sure it was Two-Bit. Those same hands caught him when he would have pitched forward, and he opened his eyes in time to clarify that it was his buddy before a rag was pressed into his hand, the sound of the toilet flushing the only noise in the too-quiet bathroom other than the overhead fluorescents. Just that sound made his head pound, and he closed his eyes, wiping his mouth and wishing he didn't have to stand up again.

Two-Bit wrapped an arm around him, holding him close like Darry had on the porch…like Soda had just the night before. Only Soda was keeping his distance now, and it was his own fault, but he couldn't lose Soda too…not after everything. If he had to see that look on his brother's face one more time…that distant, resigned smile…it might kill him.

"I thought you said you weren't sick," Two-Bit murmured, not like he was teasing, but serious as he put a hand to his forehead like he was checking for a fever. But Ponyboy didn't feel hot. He felt cold and clammy, his hands trembling, the rag balled up in his fist.

"I'm not," he muttered, knowing how stupid it was to insist on that after he'd just thrown up.

Two-Bit hesitated, then sighed. "Stay here for a second."

Ponyboy just nodded, resting his head against the stall door, then frowning at the hand that appeared as if by magic to press against his forehead. Had he fallen asleep, he wondered dully. Two-Bit was holding out a hand, and he took it, letting his friend pull him to his feet and realizing at the last second that Two-Bit had his backpack.

"We still got a half hour left."

"You don't. You're going home."

"I can't, Two-Bit."

"I told the teacher you were sick."

"They'll call Darry!"

Two-Bit pulled him along and he didn't have the energy to resist. Hell, it felt like he barely had the energy to walk. Then again, he hadn't gotten more than a couple hours of sleep all week, it seemed, since the nightmares had only gotten worse since last Saturday and his fight with Soda. Even though he'd apologized…even though Soda hadn't seemed mad.

He was different. Pony had hurt him and he was upset and he didn't think he could fix it.

"I'll tell Darry you were sick."

"But then Darry's gonna be worried," he argued, following him down the front steps and out into the parking lot.

"Yeah, Darry ain't the only one, kid."

Pony didn't have an answer for that, and he dropped into the car, resting his head against the window as Two-Bit drove him home.

His buddy didn't seem content with silence, though. "What's going on with you and Sodapop?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean."

He didn't answer. Just stared out the window and told himself that being quiet was the best thing he could do. If he was quiet, he couldn't hurt his brothers anymore, and he wouldn't start yelling at Two-Bit…he could get his shit together and go back to being normal.

Two-Bit, however, wouldn't be ignored. "He acts like a puppy someone kicked and you ain't much better. You two get in a fight?"

"No," he lied.

"Then what's going on?"

"Nothing." He hesitated. "I must have ate something bad at lunch."

He could practically feel Two-Bit giving him a look but he wasn't going to give in…he wasn't going to yell and he wasn't going to freak out and he wasn't going to admit that he was scared to death that this was how he would always be now. If he just kept pretending everything was okay, then he'd be fine. He had to be. And Soda would go back to normal and everything would be okay.

He went right in the house as soon as they pulled in the driveway, slamming the door and not caring, then went right to his bedroom. His sketchbook sat on his desk, and he knew that Sue's letters were still in the bottom drawer, hidden under old novels and sketchbooks. Not that he thought his brothers would ever go through his stuff…but just in case.

The front door opened and shut, and he closed his eyes, reminding himself over and over that even if Two-Bit was pissed at him, he wasn't Richard. This wasn't the same. Ponyboy was in his own room, not Rita's. He didn't need to be so scared…his heart didn't need to be pounding in his ears, and there was no reason for it to be so hard to breathe. He kicked his shoes off and threw the covers back, climbing onto the bed and curling up into a ball as he fought the panic that crashed over him. It felt instinctual…like he was an animal hiding from a predator, making himself as small as possible so he couldn't be found.

Why had he come back? Should he have stayed in New York? Would they all have been better off?

The door opened and it was like his body was getting ready for it…he tensed, waiting for the hand to grab him…for the fingers to fist in his hair and pull him off the bed. For the pain to start, because it always did. Hiding had never worked with Richard. When he'd wanted to hurt one of them, he'd come looking for them.

But of course it wasn't Richard that came into his room. Instead, Two-Bit sat on the bed beside him, a hand landing on his shoulder over the blanket.

"It's just me, kid." His voice was soft and sober, more serious than Pony usually heard him. Except these days, Two-Bit was pretty serious. It was still strange…but not bad.

"I know," he whispered, voice shaking as hard as he was.

"You know, I was talking to Rita a couple of days ago. She has nightmares. Like you…not like they used to be, though. She don't ever scream. But she'll smother herself in a pillow, and wake up crying. I came in the living room and saw her, all curled up on the sofa like this under a blanket. And when I put a hand on her back, she pulled away so fast I thought she'd fall off the sofa." He rubbed circles over the blanket, and Pony thought distantly that he'd probably done this for his sister tons of times, just like Soda and Darry had for him. "She told me that sometimes, it was like it was all happening again. Like…she knew it wasn't. She knew she was safe. But she didn't know it, you dig?"

Pony nodded. Yeah…he dug that real well.

"She said everything got better when you moved into that house. Said you saved her life."

He took a shuddering breath, then another, grateful when they came easier. "Two-Bit?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you talk about something else?"

Without missing a beat, Two-Bit patted his back, then kept rubbing those circles. "Sure thing, kid. Did I ever tell you about the time Steve and I hotwired Andy Watson's dad's Ferrari? You ain't never seen a car this tuff. Man, it was a work of art."

Pony had to grin, closing his eyes and letting Two-Bit's voice wash over him.

When Ponyboy opened his eyes again, it was because someone was touching his forehead, and he jerked awake, realizing at the last second that it wasn't Two-Bit…it was Darry. He got then that he must have fallen asleep, and he hoped Two-Bit wasn't offended…he didn't think he'd even stayed awake long enough to hear the end of that story.

"Hey, Pone. You feeling okay?"

"Yeah…I'm fine. Where's Two?"

"He's in the living room, eating the last of the cake," Darry told him wryly. "He said you came home early…said you were sick."

"Yeah. Must have eaten something bad for lunch," he lied. From the look on his face, Darry didn't believe him, but Pony went on before his brother could argue. "Where's Soda?"

Darry's worried look turned even more worried. "He went over to Tim's with Steve after work."

"Oh." Trying to shove down his disappointment, he sat up, rubbing a hand over his face. "What time is it?"

"Nearly six. Think you could eat something? I made chicken and rice."

He didn't want to, but he nodded anyway. He'd make himself eat, he told himself firmly, and if he had to throw it up again, he'd do that too, as long as Darry didn't find out. And then he'd go to bed and Soda would come in late, and they'd do it all over again every day until he was either able to be normal again or he lost his damn mind.

Whichever came first.

Two-Bit stayed for dinner, and just like just about every other night that week, Soda was nowhere to be found. Ponyboy pretended that was normal, making conversation with Two-Bit and picking at his chicken and answering Darry's questions about school. Thankfully school had been going mostly fine, and track too, so he was able to be honest about that at least.

He went to bed after doing his homework in his room, barely waking when Soda climbed into bed sometime around one in the morning and throwing his arm around him.

The next morning, Pony was the first one up. Knowing that he shouldn't, he left a note on the kitchen table and snuck out early, sure somehow that Soda wouldn't follow him this time. And, he reminded himself, that was better. He wouldn't call for his brother and Soda wouldn't know if he got upset…they wouldn't fight after. It was fine. He wouldn't lose his temper and yell at him in the street…maybe he could even talk today. Maybe it would be okay.

He kept telling himself that as he rode the bus to the doctor's office, head resting on the window. It would be fine. He would make himself say…something. He'd talk about something. And he wouldn't walk out of therapy this time. This time, he would sit in the room the whole time, even if he couldn't say anything. He had to. Because this whole therapy thing was mandatory. Their social worker was making him do it. And if he refused…what if they made him go back to the boy's home?

Just the thought made him sick, and he was glad no one had been awake to make him eat breakfast.

Doctor Song smiled at him when he entered the room, just like always, gesturing for him to sit, and he did, hands clasped in his lap.

"Good morning. I see that your brother isn't with you this morning."

He nodded. "Yeah…I…came by myself," he explained, starting to say that he'd snuck out, but decided he probably shouldn't say that to his therapist. He didn't think it would get them in trouble but he didn't want to risk it.

"I know that last week was…difficult."

He shrugged, turning to stare out the window. He knew he needed to talk…to say something. But he didn't want to. Honestly…he didn't think he could.

"How are you feeling today?"

"I'm okay." Lie.

"Are things going alright with your brothers?"

"They're fine." Another lie.

"And school?"

"It's alright." He'd left half an hour early the day before because he'd been so upset that he'd thrown up, but otherwise, that was pretty close to the truth. His classes were fine even though it had been hard to pay attention over the last week. Things with Soda had kind of ruined his ability to pay attention to much which made no sense because Soda backing off had been exactly what he'd wanted! So why did he feel so sick and anxious all the time?

She was quiet for a moment, and he could feel her staring at him, but he didn't look away from the window. He couldn't. Instead, he counted the buildings he could see, squeezing his hands as tightly as he could to try and keep them from shaking.

"Ponyboy?" Her voice was gentle and he blurted out the first thing he could think of.

He couldn't talk about Lianne but maybe he could say something…something to get her to leave him alone.

Why wouldn't everyone just leave him alone?

"I yelled at Soda."

She was quiet, and he could feel her surprise like a physical thing, but he kept talking.

"I didn't mean to…I…he kept asking what we had talked about and why I was upset and I…I yelled at him. That's…that's why I didn't want him to come."

Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw her nod slowly. "I see. And was he angry?"

Pony thought about the bottle he was pretty sure Soda had broken in their kitchen, even though neither he nor Darry had talked about it…they didn't talk about much these days. Like they were tiptoeing around each other, too scared to bring any of it up. He thought about how Soda had come home late, covered in bruises, still half-drunk and barely able to stand up. How he'd glared at him from the bed, then rolled over, his back to him.

And Ponyboy remembered how the minute he had needed him, Soda had been there.

"Yeah," he told her, nodding and still staring out the window. "But I told him I was sorry and…he said it was okay."

That's what he'd said. But it wasn't. Of course it wasn't. Because Ponyboy was a different person now and he was broken and he didn't know how to fix any of it. And he didn't think talking to this doctor was going to help, but even if it could, he didn't think he could do it. He couldn't say any of it. Just the thought made him sick. So he clenched his jaw and stared out the window and tried to stop his hands from shaking.

"What would you like to talk about today?" she asked, her voice kind, and he was surprised that she wasn't angry. He was being rude, refusing to even look at her and biting out mostly one word answers.

"Nothing," he told her, being honest.

He could hear the smile in her voice when she answered, even though it sounded sad. "I'm sure you don't. It can be so difficult to talk about the things that happened to us. But I can promise you that when you finally do, it helps." She shifted but he still didn't look at her. Instead, he worried that he'd been wrong…would Sodapop be waiting for him in that waiting room? Would he cry on him again, and make him worry?

Would any of them ever be free of Richard and what he'd done?

"What do you think will happen?"

That caught his attention dn he finally glanced at her. "What?"

"If you let yourself talk about it?"

"I have talked about it," he snapped, not meaning to, then quickly reigning in his temper. He sure wasn't about to let himself freak out on her…not if he wanted to go home at the end of this session. "I told that cop what happened, and I…I told Soda some about Lianne…" He turned back to the window, arms crossed tight across his chest.

"And what happened?"

He didn't want to tell her that he'd cried like a baby. That the pain had been so sharp and so overwhelming that he didn't know if he could survive it. But he had to say something. He didn't think he could just sit in silence for the rest of the hour. "I…it was hard. It…it…hurt," he whispered, feeling ashamed when his ears got hot and his eyes started to water.

She just nodded, her expression kind and soft. "That makes sense. Reliving these things can be so painful. How did your brothers react? Were they there when you spoke to the police officer?"

"Darry was."

"Was he angry? Upset?"

"He…" Pony thought for a minute, wincing and remembering how his brother had held him. How he'd been strong, because Darry was always strong. "Yeah, he was…upset. But…" Ponyboy shrugged. "He…he was there. You know? Like…he held me for a long time. Told me it was going to be okay."

He couldn't remember the stuff he'd said, but he was sure it had been bad. Darry had just held him though, until he'd fallen asleep.

"I can tell that your brother loves you very much."

Pony swallowed hard, nodding. "Yeah."

"What about Soda? How did he react when you told him about Lianne?"

"He was…he was the same. He held me too." He shook his head, trying to make her understand, because it was suddenly important that she understood. "It's not the same with him, though!"

"Why not?"

"Because he's…he's…Soda's real tough, but he's…" Ponyboy closed his eyes. "He used to be my best friend," he explained, lowering his voice to a near whisper. "I could tell him anything but now…I can't tell him this. It's going to hurt him, and he already worries about me all the time now…"

"It must be hard, not being able to talk to your brother about these things. What do you think would happen if you talked to him now?"

He would be upset. He would be hurt. Ponyboy would say all the things he should never say and Soda would be devastated to know that part of Pony blamed him and Darry for this. But he didn't want to say that, not even to her, so he just shrugged, going back to staring out the window.

"Last week, you told me a little about Rita," she reminded him, her voice still pleasant and kind, letting him know that she wasn't angry that he wouldn't talk. He was oddly grateful for that. "Can you tell me more about your relationship with her?"

And, glad to have something easy to talk about, he nodded.

Chapter Text

Steve Randal felt like he'd known Ponyboy Curtis his whole life. He couldn't remember a time before knowing Soda and his brothers. Ever since he'd been a little kid, his dad had gone from sort of distant to outright angry, knocking him around from time to time, then apologizing and trying to make up for it by giving him some money or taking him out for ice cream. So by the time he was ten or eleven, he'd spent most of his free time with Sodapop Curtis and their friends, figuring these people were better family than the one he had.

Ponyboy, at two years younger than the rest of them, had been the bane of his existence at times, always wanting to tag along with Soda who loved him more than anything and who would let him come along most of the time, until they got older and started meeting girls or going places Pony wasn't allowed to go. And even though Steve tried to pretend he didn't mind too much sometimes when Soda let his kid brother tag along, if only for his friend's sake, it always bugged him to have to babysit the kid.

That didn't mean he'd ever let anyone else mess with him though. No one ever had to ask him to look out for Ponyboy. The kid had always been a tag along brat, but he was their tag along brat and Steve sure as hell wouldn't let anyone hurt him. So when he'd seen that soc with a knife to the kid's throat last year, he'd gladly helped the guys beat the hell out of them. Of course, he'd also gotten on the kid about not calling someone to walk with him because the kid knew better! It was just like Darry was always saying…Ponyboy couldn't keep his head out of the clouds for long enough to survive in their neighborhood. Steve would never say it, but that made him nervous. Just seeing the kid on the ground like that, a blade pressed to his throat, had scared him.

Because a blade to your throat was no joke. That was serious, and nobody ought to be pulling that kind of shit on fourteen-year-old Ponyboy Curtis.

And then the State had taken him, and everything had changed. They'd taken the kid away from his family and put him in a boy's home, and then with that sadistic asshole, and he'd thought it would kill Soda and Darry, missing that kid and worrying about him. Hell, he'd thought it might just kill the rest of them too. Especially Two-Bit…but even Dally had been different when Pony had been gone.

Now Ponyboy was back and he was different and it seemed like this might be the thing that killed them.

Steve hurried to answer his front door when someone knocked on Saturday morning, hoping they didn't wake his old man who'd passed out a few hours ago. When he caught sight of Soda, he stared at his friend for a long time, scratching his head and trying to figure out what exactly was going on. Because on Saturday mornings, Ponyboy had to go meet that doctor and Soda always went with him. Sometimes they'd hang out later, but the mornings were off limits. Soda never would tell him anything about the therapy sessions, and Steve didn't really ask. He'd been giving the kid rides to school some days, and sticking close to Johnny at school since those two socs were obviously gunning for them, but he had a feeling that if those socs came at them, those two could handle themselves pretty well.

Ponyboy had had his blade out in the school hallway when Bob and Randy had come after them…Johnny too. They'd been ready to fight. And Steve had known that he was different. He'd heard that he'd fought Rita's ex-boyfriend, and he always carried a blade now. Johnny was different too…less scared. Protective of Pony, sticking close to him and keeping an eye out. But Pony…sometimes he was okay. Almost normal. He never asked to tag along with Soda anymore, and Steve almost found himself wishing he would. Because when the kid wasn't acting normal, he was…cold. Distant, like he wasn't really there. And the way he'd yelled at Soda that day…he'd thought Pony was going to hit him.

But Ponyboy Curtis wouldn't ever hit his brother. There was no one in the world he looked up to more than Soda.

Right?

"Hey…what's going on?" he asked Soda, wiping a hand over his face. He knew that Pony and Soda had gotten into it the week before, and that Soda had gotten shitfaced at Buck's place, picking a fight and nearly getting himself beat to death with a pool stick.

Thankfully Dal had been there to back him up. Steve would have too if Soda had come to him, but Soda wouldn't hardly talk to him about the kid these days. He wouldn't even tell him what those two had fought about.

"You want to play football or something? Find a pick up game?"

Steve blinked at him. It was early, and he'd been hoping to get a few more hours of sleep. "Ain't it Saturday?"

"Yeah, so?" he asked, shrugging.

"Ain't you gotta take the kid…" he trailed off when Soda just glared at him. "What?"

"He doesn't want me to. Went on his own. So…let's do something."

He could tell by the way Soda couldn't hardly stand still, hands shoved in his pockets, that something was wrong…that whatever was going on with him and the kid was really getting to him. Everybody could tell that something was wrong between the two of them. They'd never fought before…well, they probably had as kids, but not really, and especially not since their parents had died. Pony and Darry, sure, but never Pony and Soda.

"Yeah…alright, man. Let's go do something."

Soda was like that all weekend, worse than he'd been during the week, and Steve didn't know what to do or how to fix it, but he knew that his buddy couldn't take much more of this…and that there was something wrong with the kid. So one way or another, something bad was coming. He just didn't know what.

Steve left his house early on Monday morning, picking Ponyboy up for school. The kid was on his way out the door, obviously about to walk, and Steve figured Darry had given Soda a ride to work. He pulled up in front of the house, honking his horn and trying to ignore the dark circles under Ponyboy's eyes and the way the sound of the horn made him flinch.

Not jump. Flinch. Like he was waiting for a blow to come.

Obviously whatever was going on with him and Soda was hitting him hard too, because Ponyboy hadn't been this jumpy since he'd first come home. He'd been calming down some, seeming to settle into the knowledge that none of them were going to hurt him…that he didn't have to be so scared anymore. Sometimes Steve wished he'd figured out that Dally was looking for him. He wished he'd gone with Dally when he'd gone to find him. He would have known…he was sure of it. One look at that kid and he would have known that something was wrong.

He wouldn't have kept it from Soda either. Or Darry. No matter what the kid said. He would have told them everything, and then they would have gone after him. Darry would have killed that man before he let him hurt Pony. One look at his kid brother and Darry would have been out for blood.

But it was too late, Steve reminded himself as the kid climbed into his car, dropping his backpack on the floorboards, eyes shutting almost as soon as he sat down.

"Thanks, Steve," he muttered, not opening his eyes as Steve pulled back onto the road, trying not to throw the kid too many worried looks.

"Yeah, yeah. Just don't get used to it."

Pony's lips tugged into a little smile. "You're going to have to stop being so nice to me. People are gonna think it's weird."

"Does that mean you want to walk? Because I can pull over."

He laughed a little at that, and Steve had to marvel at the fact that the kid didn't really get on his nerves all that much anymore…maybe because the stuff that had annoyed him the most had been beaten out of him. That thought made his stomach twist, and he grimaced, feeling sick. It wasn't fair…it wasn't right that it had been Ponyboy out of all of them that had gone through this.

"You sleep at all last night? You look half dead, kid."

"Yeah, some."

Steve was pretty sure that 'some' meant about two hours, judging by how he couldn't even seem to keep his eyes open, but he shut up and drove them to school, parking in the back of the lot and throwing Ponyboy worried glances the whole time. Once he was parked, he looked at him for a minute. That scar on his face was still jarring to see, a light gray gash cutting across his face. And one of his sleeves had ridden up a little, revealing a round scar on the inside of his wrist.

Steve couldn't even imagine how bad that must have hurt.

"Ponyboy?" he asked, voice soft.

"Huh?"

"We're here." He resisted the urge to make a joke…to tell the kid to get the hell out of his car. To ruffle his hair and shove him towards the door. It didn't seem right, somehow…not when he looked like this. Not when he was as messed up as Soda right now.

Pony opened his eyes slowly, blinking a few times before he nodded, wiping a hand over his face. "Yeah…sorry," he muttered, sitting up and staring blearily out the windshield.

"You want me to take you back home?" Steve asked, surprised by how unbothered he was by the idea.

Ponyboy shook his head, giving him a half grin that made him look like Soda if Soda had about had the life beat out of him. "Nah, I better get inside. Thanks for the ride, Steve."

The lack of any kind of smart remark just sealed Steve's worry, and he jumped up out of the car, following after Pony as they made their way toward the front doors of the school. He wanted to ask what was going on between him and Soda, or why the kid wasn't sleeping (Nightmares, of course…he remembered that much. But he was morbidly curious…what kind of nightmares? What kind of shit did the kid have to keep reliving?) or what he was thinking about when he'd stare into space, eyes going flat and lifeless and cold. But they'd never talked about that kind of stuff before and he doubted they would start now, so he just walked beside him, the two of them coming to an abrupt halt when a girl called out his name.

"Ponyboy?"

The parking lot was pretty full of other people talking and hanging out before school, but obviously there was only one 'Ponyboy' around, so they both turned to see Bob's ex-girlfriend Cherry hurrying over. Steve glanced down at the kid who just stared at her like he couldn't imagine why she'd be talking to him. He knew the story…the whole gang did. Johnny and Two-Bit had filled them in after they'd taken him, how Johnny and Pony had sat with those girls after Dal had left, and how the three of them had started to walk the girls back to Two-Bit's place to get his car so he could drive them home. Apparently Ponyboy and Cherry had hit it off, thus Bob trying to drown the kid a few hours later.

Steve crossed his arms, watching her approach, her eyes darting around the lot at the handful of people who'd turned to look at them. He couldn't tell if she was nervous or embarrassed at the thought of approaching them in public.

"Hey, Ponyboy," she murmured, looking around again and ducking her head a little. Embarrassed, Steve decided. She was embarrassed to be seen with them. The thought made him angry enough that he figured it showed on his face, judging by how she refused to meet his eyes, staring instead at the kid.

"Hi," Pony answered, voice tired and kind of flat.

She glanced again at Steve, kind of hesitant, but he sure wasn't about to help her out. He wasn't leaving the kid with her either. Not now…not when he looked like he might pitch over at any second.

"Can we help you with something?" Steve asked, his own voice dry. This was the girl whose boyfriend had tried to kill Ponyboy just for talking to her. Bob Sheldon was the reason Ponyboy had been taken away from his family and put through all this shit, and all for this girl that was embarrassed to be seen talking to them in public.

She gave him a look, then turned back to Ponyboy. "I just…I haven't really seen you since…since you came back to school. And I…" She crossed her arms, looking around again. Over by her Stingray, a couple of girls were waiting, watching her like she was crazy. "I broke up with him. Because of what he did. He was always getting drunk even though he knew I couldn't stand it…and after he nearly killed you…" Cherry shifted her weight from foot to foot, looking more uncomfortable by the second. "And I…I wanted to tell you I was sorry. About your foster sister. That poor girl…"

Steve felt himself go rigid and beside him, Ponyboy flinched, eyes dropping. There were plenty of new, unspoken rules around the kid. Don't slam the front door…or make any kind of loud noises if you could help it. Don't offer him a cigarette. Don't talk about Richard. But number one, the most important rule of all…don't bring up Lianne.

The kid took a step back, nodding a little. "Yeah…thanks," he muttered, eyes shuttered and cold, his voice the same. "I gotta go to class." And with that, he turned around, leaving the two of them alone in the parking lot. Cherry didn't look surprised to see him go…just kind of sad.

"They were right," she muttered, looking at Steve like she was confiding in him or something. "He came back different." She said it like a judgment, and Steve glared at her.

Who the hell did she think she was, judging him after everything he'd gone through?

"Yeah, you would too if you'd been through the shit he has," he snapped, and he wanted to keep going…to tell her she could keep her pity and quit acting like she was giving the kid charity just by talking to him in public, but he didn't want to start yelling at a girl in the school parking lot. That wasn't exactly a good look, not even for a greaser.

He shoved his hands in his pocket, turning and heading toward the school. Ponyboy was already inside, but he had homeroom with Two-Bit so Steve figured he'd be fine.

Pony and Johnny had started eating in the cafeteria for lunch, mostly since Two-Bit had started a campaign to make sure he ate regularly. Steve usually went somewhere with Evie or to hang out with Soda at the DX, but today he decided to join them. Evie and Alice, Soda's new girl, headed out somewhere to eat off campus, so it was just him dropping into the chair across from Pony and beside Johnny in the cafeteria.

Pony wasn't looking much better, he had to admit, and he figured he'd need to try and talk to Soda again. Or hell, he thought as he sat his tray down, he could just go straight to the top and ask Darry about it. Get him to knock those two's heads together and make them talk. He chewed absently on one of his fries, looking Ponyboy over until the kid looked up at him with a lifted eyebrow, blinking and seeming startled to see him.

"Evie finally dump you?" Pony asked.

"What the hell are you talking about, kid?"

"Couldn't think of another reason you'd be hanging out with us."

Johnny laughed under his breath and took a bite of what was supposed to pass for meatloaf. Pony's food didn't look much more edible but at least he was eating it, so that was something.

"This is why I don't hang out with you," he grumbled, rolling his eyes, but he couldn't help his smile as ate another fry.

"How is Evie?" Johnny asked, grinning, and Steve saw him kick Ponyboy under the table, making him take another bite and roll his eyes.

"Fine. Her and Alice really hit it off so they're spending lunch together." He glanced at Pony. "Kid, you look like you're about to fall over. You sure you don't want to go home? I can drive you…"

"I'm fine," Pony told him simply, blinking slowly, obviously struggling to get his eyes back open. Steve looked over at Johnny who just shook his head and shrugged, which told Steve he'd been trying to get Pony to do the same and had failed.

"Yeah, whatever kid. You two meet me after school and I'll give you a ride home. Your brother will kill me if you pass out on the street on the way home."

Pony just nodded, taking another bite of his food, chewing and swallowing without seeming to notice he was doing it.

The rest of the day seemed to drag on, but Steve did his best to pay attention in class. He knew that Two-Bit was doing the same, actually doing his homework for once. As far as he knew, the kid was doing good in his classes too. Usually Darry was pretty hard on the kid when it came to school, but nowadays it didn't seem like Darry got on him about much of anything anymore. Maybe because he had bigger things to worry about than the kid's school work. But Pony seemed to be passing his classes at least, and he was still going to track practice, even though he looked half dead these days.

After school was finally over, he found Evie in the hall and told her he was giving the kid a ride home. After telling her he'd see her later and wishing briefly that things could go back to normal and that this kid wasn't somehow his responsibility, then feeling bad for thinking that, he shouldered his backpack and headed towards the front doors, spotting Two-Bit right before he went out to the parking lot.

"Hey! Have you seen Johnny and the kid?" he called, and Two-Bit turned, hands shoved in his pockets.

"Uh…yeah, Pony was going to find Johnny. He's got PE last." He jerked his chin back toward the gym. "You giving them a ride home?"

"Yeah."

"Good. He about fell asleep in study hall. Kid's looking rough." He hesitated. "Any idea what's going on with him and Sodapop?"

Steve shook his head. "Whatever it is, Soda won't talk about it."

"He's been worse than usual," Two-Bit murmured, the two of them standing by the lockers. "Since last week…and going to that doctor didn't help."

Steve clenched his jaw and looked around at the other students flooding the halls and hurrying toward the door, keeping an eye out for Johnny and Ponyboy. He didn't know how to talk about this shit…hell, he just wanted Pony to be back to being his best friend's irritating kid brother. If he could just go back, he thought sometimes…back to how things were before, he'd do it in a heartbeat. He'd even stop complaining when the kid tagged along with them.

"Bob's ex girlfriend wanted to talk to him this morning."

"Pony? Yeah…those two were talking that night…I think he liked her."

"He sure don't seem to anymore." Steve hesitated. "She told him she was sorry about his foster sister."

Two-Bit swore under his breath, shaking his head.

"I'm going to go find those two," Steve muttered, pushing off from the locker he'd been leaning on.

"Yeah, alright." Two-Bit nodded, pausing when a familiar red-headed girl passed. She hesitated when she saw them though, hanging around like she had something to say. "I'll be there in a second.

Steve left Two-Bit to deal with Bob's ex-girlfriend, Cherry something or another, and he headed for the gym. He didn't understand why that girl was hanging around all of a sudden. If she liked the kid…hell, even if Ponyboy liked her back, which didn't seem too likely, him dating Bob's ex-girlfriend sure wouldn't help the target that was already on his back when it came to those socs.

The gym was empty. Even the teacher had split, apparently, and Steve looked around before heading towards the locker room, figuring those two might be in there. If not, he thought irritably, they'd better be waiting for him at his car. They sure as hell better not be walking home.

He opened the door to the boy's locker room, already irritated with the kid at just the thought of him walking home, then froze, his jaw dropping as he took in the scene.

Johnny was sitting against the wall and pulling himself shakily to his feet, a hand pressed to his head as he grimaced, blood pouring from his nose and soaking his white shirt. And Ponyboy…

Ponyboy was kneeling on top of an unconscious Bob Sheldon, pulling back his fist and punching him the face…then again…and again.

Steve snapped out of it and sprinted across the room, grabbing Ponyboy by the shirt and yanking him back, unable to believe what he was seeing. This was wrong…Ponyboy Curtis didn't nearly beat people to death! And it wasn't like he cared whether or not Bob Sheldon lived or died, but the fuzz sure would! "Hey, that's enough! Jesus, kid, you're gonna…"

He nearly fell on his ass when Pony spun around, fist slamming into his nose so hard he felt something crack.

"What the fuck!" Steve snapped, shoving him away, then following it up with a right hook that sent Pony staggering. He'd never hit his best friend's little brother…but the little shit had never punched him in the face either! Before Steve could blink, Pony was back on him, and Steve shoved him again, about ready to break his jaw, Soda be damned, when Johnny jumped in between them, and Two-Bit was suddenly rounding the corner.

"Stop! Steve!" Two-Bit looked incredulous as he wrapped his arms around Steve from behind and yanked him back, Johnny stepping in front of Ponyboy. "What the hell is the matter with you?"

"Me! That little shit…" Steve faltered, running a hand over his aching nose to wipe the blood away as Johnny held the kid by the shoulders. But it wasn't Johnny that made him stop. It was Ponyboy…his eyes. They were blank…vacant. He stared unseeing through their friend as he shook him, speaking in a hiss.

"Pony, you gotta stop! It's me! It's Johnny. We're at school!"

Pony blinked, leaning back against the lockers and looking suddenly confused. "What?" he asked, voice hoarse, and Steve went limp in Two-Bit's hold. His friend let him go, stepping around him as the two of them stared at the kid. When Ponyboy met his eyes, there was no recognition in his gaze for a long time, and Steve felt his stomach turn.

"Johnny?" the kid asked, and Johnny nodded.

"Yeah, man. You okay?"

Then the kid looked over at Bob, still not moving on the ground. He stared at him for a long time, then his gaze moved to Steve. Pony blinked a few times, eyes narrowing in confusion.

"Steve?"

Steve just stared at him, feeling sick.

"What…?"

He didn't remember. Steve could see it plain on his face. Ponyboy had nearly killed Bob in the locker room and he'd probably broken Steve's nose and he didn't remember.

"We gotta go!" Johnny told him, shaking him again and wiping absently at his bloody face. "Come on. Let's go. We gotta get out of here before one of the teachers comes in!"

Ponyboy looked at Johnny again, eyes wide and lip trembling like he was going to cry. "Did…Johnny, did I…is Bob…"

"Bob's gonna be fine. Come on," Two-Bit told him, moving over and holding out his hand. Ponyboy just stared at it and Two's voice went hard. "Come on, Pony. We don't want to be here when he wakes up."

"I didn't mean to…"

"Doesn't matter. Come on," Two urged, reaching out and grabbing his arm. Pony flinched, but he didn't have time to be gentle with him. Steve stepped in then, and Johnny kept a wary eye on him like he was gonna haul off and hit the kid or something, but he just grabbed a towel someone had thrown onto the bench and pressed it against Ponyboy's bloody knuckles. The kid looked up at him, eyes huge.

"I didn't mean to," he whispered.

Steve shook his head, more freaked out than he wanted to admit. "What the hell, kid," he muttered, moving the towel to his other hand.

"He…he had Johnny cornered. And…" Pony seemed to be struggling to remember.

"Shut up," he grumbled.

"I hit you…I'm sorry…"

"Shut up!" he snapped, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him, stomach dripping when the kid flinched, eyes closing like Steve was going to hit him again. "Listen to me. You need to get your ass home. Get out of here. Now. Before some teacher finds him and calls the fuzz. And if anyone asks, you left right after school, you hear?"

"Steve, I'm sorry…"

He closed his eyes for a second, then squeezed his shoulders. He wanted to tell the kid that it hadn't been his fault…he wanted to demand the kid tell him what was going on or talk to Sodapop or something. But they were barely friends, and there was no way the kid would ever talk to him. Plus Steve had just punched him in the face. And Bob might wake up at any point…or a teacher could walk in. So this wasn't really the time or the place for a heart to heart.

"We need to get out of here, kid. Come on."

Johnny threw an arm around Pony's shoulders and pulled on him, grabbing the towel Steve had been using and wiping his face. "Come on, Pony," he muttered, leading him out into the gym and through the back doors, Steve and Two-Bit a couple of steps behind.

"This is bad," Two-Bit muttered, leaning in close.

"I know…I'm gonna go tell Soda what happened. Think you can get them home?"

Two nodded, and Steve hurried to his car, driving straight to the DX.

His buddy looked up as soon as he stepped into the station, his usual smile dropping when he spotted Steve, eyes widening. "What the hell.."

"You need to go home."

"What?" Soda leaned forward over the counter to get a better look. "Who did that? You get into it with someone at school?"

"Your kid brother."

"What?" Soda repeated, shaking his head as Steve approached, leaning in like he hadn't heard him.

"Your kid brother did this," he told him softly, resting his hands on the counter.

"Ponyboy?"

"You got another kid brother?" Soda just stared at him, so Steve went on. "Something's wrong with him, Soda." His buddy started to glare, obviously about to get defensive, and Steve gripped the countertop, leaning in closer and lowering his voice. "Listen to me. I found him in the locker room…apparently Bob Sheldon got a hold of Johnny, and then Ponyboy got a hold of him. I didn't think he was gonna stop hitting him, man. Bob wasn't even conscious anymore but he kept hitting him. I had to pull him off the guy, then he swung around and hit me."

"He…he was standing up for Johnny…"

"Yeah, maybe at first. But he wouldn't stop. Johnny had him up against the wall and it was like…it was like he snapped out of a trance or something. Looked at me like he didn't know who I was for a second. Said he didn't mean to…kid was freaking out. There's something wrong with him, and we gotta figure out how to fix it before he kills someone, Soda."

"Ponyboy wouldn't…"

"Yeah, maybe not before," Steve cut in, voice still low and urgent. Soda needed to understand. Whatever was going on between them, he had to fix it. "But he's different now and you know it."

"It ain't his fault!"

"Damn it, Soda! Don't you think I know that? We probably don't know the half of what he went through with that asshole, and I don't blame him for being messed up, but he is messed up, and if he loses it and kills someone…"

Steve trailed off, hating the words as they came out of his mouth. Ponyboy had always gotten on his nerves, but in a familiar way. He was Sodapop's kid brother, always tagging along. But now…now he was so different that there were times Steve barely recognized him. Still, he couldn't stomach the thought of Ponyboy killing someone…of what that would do to him. To his family. To all of them. "Go home. I'll cover for you here. See if you can get him to talk to you."

"He don't talk to me anymore, Steve," Soda whispered, smiling sadly down at his own hands, looking like he'd already given up. "He used to talk to me about everything…I don't think he ever kept secrets from me before. Now…sometimes it's like before and he's my little brother again, and I'm so happy to have him back I can't hardly stand it." He swallowed hard, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "But then…then something will happen and he's just…gone. Like I don't even know him anymore. Sometimes he…he looks so scared but then…then the light just goes out in his eyes, like he's given up."

Steve reached out, grabbing his shoulder and squeezing. He didn't know what to say, because Soda was right.

"I don't know what to do. Darry said we just gotta wait but…Pony told me, when he first came back, that he'd just about killed someone in New York. These guys came into their store and were gonna hurt that girl that worked there…he said he doesn't even remember, but he just kept hitting him until Johnny pulled him off." Soda looked him right in the eye then, looking for answers Steve didn't have. "I don't know how to help him anymore."

"Go home," Steve told him again, feeling helpless. "Just…try to get him to talk to you. Bug him until he does. You were always good at that."

Soda cracked a smile then, shaking his head.

"Out of all of us, I guess he's least likely to hit you," Steve offered, trying to lighten the mood.

"Pony wouldn't hit me," Soda told him, but Steve could see he was faking that confidence. As his buddy left, trading his DX shirt for Steve's t-shirt, Steve hoped he was right.

Chapter Text

Ponyboy let the screen door slam behind him, glad Johnny had gone home instead of insisting on coming inside with him. Two-Bit had dropped Ponyboy off first, and he'd been grateful to get out of the stiflingly quiet car, the air filled with too many questions he couldn't answer. Johnny had kept his shoulder pressed to Ponyboy's, but no matter how hard he'd tried to meet his eyes, Pony had just stared out the window, refusing. He couldn't do it. He couldn't talk about it. Because he felt like he was seconds away from exploding and if he started talking right now, he didn't think he'd be able to stop.

His hands ached, and he couldn't make them stop shaking. Dropping his backpack on the floor by his bed first, he went to the bathroom and grabbed the alcohol from the cabinet, his whole body going rigid when he poured it over his bleeding hands. That pain, and the sight of the blood tinged alcohol running into the sink reminded him too much of being in that bathroom in Richard's house, desperately trying to patch himself up after a beating, and he gripped the sink, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

He was home. He was fine.

He'd been fine before, though. Tired and shaky like he'd been all week, but fine. It was just..just this stuff with Soda, he told himself. That was all that was wrong. He just needed to get some sleep and he could get back to acting normal. Eventually his brothers would stop worrying and he'd stop having those nightmares about Richard…and about Lianne.

Finding the bandages under the sink, he started to wrap his hands.

Why did people keep bringing her up? Why had the therapist wanted to make him talk about her? Why had Cherry of all people said something about her? Cherry, who he'd barely seen since starting school again. Sure, he'd caught glimpses of her out of the corner of his eye, and he'd known that she was around. He'd even suspected that she was trying to talk to him for the last few weeks. But Johnny or Two-Bit or even Steve were always around these days, and he didn't mind using them as a buffer.

He remembered how he'd felt about her. He remembered sitting with her and walking home together and talking…he'd felt like he could talk to her about anything. He'd told her about his family…and Darry…he flinched a little when he remembered what he'd said about Darry, and how he'd snapped at Johnny in front of all of them. Johnny, who had given up everything to come to New York with him so he didn't have to be alone. Johnny who had now stopped him from killing two people. He couldn't help being a little ashamed…but that wasn't the only reason he didn't want to talk to her.

She'd been Bob's girlfriend. Bob had tried to kill him over her. Besides, he couldn't help remembering what she'd said…asking him not to take offense if they were at school and she didn't say hi.

Sue hadn't been like that. Sue had invited him and Johnny to sit with them at their church, even though they'd been dressed real nice, like socs, and him and Johnny had been in old jeans and Pony in worn shirts borrowed from Dallas. She'd never been embarrassed to be seen with them, even when other people were around.

Why had he thought that a pretty girl only willing to speak to him when her friends weren't around might be the best he could ever get?

He shook his head like he could physically shake those thoughts away, putting the alcohol back under the sink and trying to piece together what had happened.

He'd walked into the gym first, and then the locker room, looking for Johnny. He'd been tired and ready to go home, hoping to take a nap before his brothers got home. Well…Darry. Soda would go out after work and come home late. And when he got home, he'd avoid looking Ponyboy in the eye. He wouldn't ask him about his day or anything…he'd just be quiet, flipping through a magazine or smoking on the porch. Ponyboy had felt exhausted all week, anxiety gripping his chest like a vice, and he knew that even Steve was worrying about him, so he'd decided to find Johnny and go home and sleep and then…then he could figure out the rest of it.

And he could figure this out. He had to. He had to figure out a way to avoid hurting Soda while still keeping his distance.

And then he'd stepped into the locker room just in time to see Johnny hit the wall, blood pouring down his face. He'd seen Bob standing over him, fists clenched. He'd seen him pull his fist back again…

He'd seen Rita, sobbing into her pillow the first night he'd stepped into her room to protect her.

He'd seen Lianne, a hand over her mouth, and the knife in Richard's hand as those men had surrounded her beside a hole they'd already dug at the edge of the woods, the moonlight the only thing illuminating them as they killed her.

He'd seen Sue, eyes wide and afraid as a hand had wrapped around her wrist, her eyes darting over to him.

And then…then he'd seen Johnny, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him…and Bob, laying on the ground, face slack and broken. And Steve, staring at him with wide, disbelieving eyes, blood running from his own bruised, broken nose as Two-Bit wrapped his arms around him from behind, holding him back.

He'd done that.

He'd hit Steve. And it wasn't like he'd never wanted to hit Steve before, but not like this. Not without knowing what he was doing. Not to actually hurt him. And Bob…glory, it wasn't like there was any love lost between him and Bob Sheldon…but he didn't want to kill him!

And he might have. If Johnny and Steve hadn't stopped him.

What if he hurt someone else? Why did this keep happening? Why couldn't he control it?

The screen door slammed shut and he flinched, pushing away thoughts of Richard and his fists on Rita's door as he stepped out of the bathroom.

"Pony?" Soda called, and he wondered if he could make it to the bedroom before his brother found him. Unfortunately, the answer was no, as his brother rounded the corner before he could even try.. As soon as Soda spotted him his eyes went wide, darting from his face to his bandaged hands. "Ponyboy? What the hell happened?" he asked, incredulous.

"Nothing," he told him simply, heading for the kitchen instead. Soda followed him, and Pony could feel his disbelieving gaze like something physical pressing down on him. He'd gone beyond worrying Soda…now he'd disappointed him.

"What…Steve told me you and Bob got into it. He said you just kept hitting him!"

Ponyboy poured himself a glass of water and downed it, not caring that it was lukewarm. He wanted to throw the glass against the wall and watch it shatter. He wanted to scream. To step out the front door and run until he couldn't run anymore. Instead, he turned and headed for his bedroom, coming to an abrupt halt when Soda stepped into his path, that determined look on his face that meant he wasn't going to let this go. Pony shouldered past him, pulling away when Soda went to grab him.

"Ponyboy!"

He felt the anger like a firecracker, lit and ready to explode, and he rounded on his brother. "Will you just leave me alone?" he half shouted, hands clenched at his sides, but this time, Soda yelled right back.

"No! I ain't gonna leave you alone! You nearly killed someone! You just about broke Steve's nose!"

Pony was pretty sure he had broken his nose, and that Steve had hit him back but he didn't want to say that. Instead, he headed for their bedroom, figuring he could climb out the window and make a run for it…maybe come back later when Soda was gone.

Or hell, he thought, maybe he ought to just get on a bus and go back to New York. See if James would let him crash again. He wasn't doing anything except causing his brothers pain here…it would be better, he thought suddenly, if he'd never come back. The truth of it hurt more than he was expecting, like a punch right to the stomach.

Soda grabbed his arm before he could escape into their bedroom, yanking him back, rougher than he'd ever been with him, and it took everything in Pony not to shove him away. He did turn around though, his hands balling into fists.

"Leave me alone!" he snapped, turning to go again, but Soda grabbed him again and this time, Pony did shove him away once he'd freed his arms. Not hard…but harder than he'd ever pushed his brother, making him stumble back. "Stop!"

"I ain't gonna stop!" Soda stepped closer, eyes blazing. "Hit me if you really want. Hell, I'd rather you just hit me than keep doing this!"

Pony flinched, feeling like cold water was being dumped on him. "I ain't gonna hit you, Soda."

"Why not? You're pissed at me, right? Just tell me why! Tell me what's going on!"

"I can't!"

Soda shook his head, lowering his voice a little. "You can't keep doing this, Pony. You have to talk to me!"

"I can't!" he told him again, shaking his head and feeling something inside of him crack, his heart racing. Soda was right. He couldn't keep doing this…he had to get out, but when he tried to push past him again, Soda grabbed both his arms right above his elbows, not hard enough to bruise like Richard had…Soda would never leave bruises on him. But firmly enough to keep him in place.

"Why not? It's me, Pone. You always used to talk to me!" Soda wasn't mad…he was begging, voice softening as he tried to smile with red-rimmed eyes, and that made it all hurt worse. "You can tell me anything. Why can't you just tell me?"

"Because it'll hurt you!" he snapped, fists shaking, trying to sound mad to hide how scared he was. He wanted to hit someone. Not Soda…he'd never want to hit Soda. He couldn't let himself hurt Soda! But he understood why his brother had gotten into that fight last week…he just wondered if it would help. If it would release some of the frustration and terror warring inside of him.

"We already talked about…"

"I can't let him hurt you too!"

Soda looked at him for a long moment, Pony's desperate, half-screamed words giving way to a thick silence as his brother seemed to realize something. He let go of his arms and grabbed his shoulders, his face close, looking more serious than Pony had ever seen him as he shook him a little. "Listen to me! It is not your job to protect me, you hear?" Sodapop shook his head, their foreheads nearly touching, his voice going gentle. "I don't need you to protect me. I just want you to talk to me."

"About what? What do you wanna know, Soda? What good is it gonna do?" He jerked away, eyes hot as he forced his fists to stay at his sides. He wouldn't hit his brother. Not ever. Nonetheless, the wall inside him crumbled, just a little at a time at first, then all at once. "You want me to tell you how bad that house was? How I cried every night wanting you and Darry? Or how he beat me so bad the first time I pulled him off Rita that I thought he was gonna kill me? That I laid on that floor, and I couldn't even get up, and I thought I was gonna die without ever getting to see you again?"

Soda flinched a little, but Ponyboy couldn't stop.

"Or do you want me to tell you how I was so hungry all the time it hurt, and that I'd sneak food out of the trash like a dog? But that they wouldn't even let us do that? So I just stopped being hungry? That I don't even get hungry anymore?"

He remembered then, the memory just as bad as living it, and his ears went hot with the shame of it when he remembered the scraps of bread crust and hard, burnt bits of old pasta scraped from plates that he'd scarfed down, desperate for something to put in his stomach. How he'd learned what real hunger felt like, before the hunger had just become part of life, as unnoticeable as breathing.

"And that ain't even the worst of it! Do you have any idea how it feels to have someone put cigarettes out on your arms? Over and over! And I was so stupid…I wouldn't quit! I wouldn't just quit smoking! It was like, if I could control something, he wouldn't win. But he won! He always won!"

Ponyboy panted for air, his hands shaking, but he couldn't stop. Like he'd taken his finger out of a dam…the water wouldn't be stopped now. The wall was gone. The barrier had crumbled. And he couldn't stop, no matter how bad it hurt.

"It was my own fault. Rita was right…it was my fault. But I had to protect her! I had to! And Lianne…I had to try! I had to keep him from hurting them. Mark and Tyler knew and they didn't do anything, but I had to do something!"

Tears were running down his cheeks and he was still half yelling, but Soda just stood there, looking older and stronger, not buckling under it like he'd thought he would. Instead, he reached out and gripped his arms again, half holding him up.

"I didn't mean to hurt Bob…I don't even remember it," he whispered, throat hurting from crying and screaming. "I swear…I wouldn't do that! But he'd cornered Johnny and he was going to hurt him, and I couldn't let him hurt Johnny! Soda, I couldn't…I couldn't stop him from hurting Lianne…I couldn't stop him! He'd already dug the grave…out behind the bar…"

Pony was gasping now, hands clutching Soda's arms, maybe too hard, but still, his brother didn't buckle.

"I didn't stop him…they…they raped her and they stabbed her and I didn't stop him! She was my friend! She was…she was like my sister and I was supposed to protect her! I tried to protect her! I couldn't…I couldn't let him hurt Johnny too! He…in the store, they were gonna hurt Sue and I had to stop them…I had to protect her…"

"Okay," Soda murmured, nodding and gripping his arms tighter. "Okay, Pone. I know. It's okay." He pulled him in close and Pony fell into his arms, no trace of his anger left now as he sobbed into his shoulder.

"It's not…I have to protect them…Rita and Sue and Johnny…you and Darry…I have to!"

"No, you don't," he muttered, holding him so tight his ribs ached but Pony didn't care. "Honey, you don't have to protect me or Darry. We're your big brothers. We protect you."

"You didn't," Pony whispered, hating the words but not able to stop them as he sobbed. "You didn't! I thought you'd find me! I thought you'd stop him! I kept waiting for you! Every night at that boy's home, I waited for you!"

Soda was gripping his shirt, a wet spot forming on Pony's shoulder from his tears, and he hated himself for hurting his brother even as he kept talking.

"Why didn't Darry find me? Why…why didn't you try? Dally found me! Why couldn't you?" Despite his accusations, made in a voice that cracked and broke, he clutched his brother for dear life. "He was beating me, and he…he tried to…" Pony choked on his words, not able to say it for the shame. "And I was so fucking scared all the time! I thought he was going to kill me! I wanted him to just kill me!"

He couldn't talk anymore for a while after forcing those words out. He just sobbed, whimpering like a hurt dog while Soda rocked him…then someone else wrapped their arms around the both of them, and Pony knew immediately that it was Darry.

Darry's hand pressed to the back of Pony's head, his cheek resting on Pony's hair, and he wanted to stop crying…to say he was sorry for hurting the people he loved most in the world…but instead he choked out the same question he'd asked Soda like he was a stuck record. Now that he'd let them out, the questions wouldn't be stopped. "Why didn't you find me? I kept waiting for you! You said you'd protect me! Why didn't you come for me? Why didn't you stop him?" It was a horrible, unfair question, but he asked it anyway, the words gasped out between sobs. And then he let himself ask the scariest question of all. "Did you even want to, Darry?"

He felt his brother flinch but he couldn't stop until he'd asked it all.

"Were you glad I was gone? Did you want to get rid of me?" It didn't come out like an accusation…it came out like a plea.

Darry didn't answer at first, just held him tighter with arms that shook. Then he pulled away a little, leaning in just enough that he could look at him in the eyes. Darry was crying too, he realized with a painful clench of his heart. He'd done it…the one thing he'd been trying so hard to avoid. He'd hurt his brothers. He'd finally said it out loud and he could see in his brother's face how bad he'd hurt him.

But Darry didn't break either.

"There's nothing in the world I wanted more than to find you. I swear, Pony…I wanted you back so bad it hurt. I called that social worker every day…on my lunch and when I got home and on my days off. It was all I could think of, getting you back. But…I was so scared, Pony. I was so damn scared that if I hunted you down…if I found you and they caught me, that they'd never let me have you back." He shook his head. "We were trying so hard to keep our heads down so they'd let us have a hearing…I was scared that they wouldn't let us have a hearing if I tried to find you." He brought a hand up, one of them squeezing his shoulder, the other cupping the back of his neck as he looked him in the eye, as serious as Ponyboy had ever seen him. "But if I'd known…Pony if I'd known what he was doing to you, I'd have killed him. I'd have killed him and gone to jail before I ever let him hurt you."

Ponyboy had known that. Of course he had. But he was crying anyway, nodding and hiding his face in his brother's chest, Darry's arms wrapping tight around him as he deflated in relief.

He was telling the truth…Pony knew that he was telling the truth because his brother couldn't look him in the eye and lie about that.

"We didn't know. I swear, Pony, we had no idea. I knew you were upset, and I knew you weren't allowed to call…but I had no idea how bad it was. I promise." Soda gripped his arm, leaning against him, his voice still thick with the tears he couldn't seem to stop. "I still want to kill him…I hate that man more than anything. I'd kill him if I could, Pony."

"I'm sorry," Darry whispered, taking him by surprise. "I'm so sorry I hit you that night. I'm sorry I didn't come find you myself. I should have. I should have pushed harder. I should have figured out that Dallas was looking for you and I should have made him tell me where you were. Hell, if I'd have known he was keeping it from me, I'd have beat it out of him." Darry squeezed him tight, his lips pressed to the top of his hair. "I'm so sorry, Pony."

They all stood there in the kitchen, Pony's head on Darry's chest, his brothers holding him tight, for what felt like hours. And it was the strangest thing…it was like, for the first time since…well, since that first time Richard had hurt him, a lit cigarette pressed to his skin, his head was suddenly clear again.

Darry and Soda loved him. Of course they did. They loved him more than anything, and the reason they hadn't found him was because they'd been scared. They'd been trying to follow all the rules so that they'd be able to get him back. They'd been trying to do all of it the legal way. It wasn't their fault that their social worker had been the one making that impossible. They couldn't have known.

They didn't know.

They hadn't left him there. They just hadn't known.

And knowing that…really knowing it…it was like he could breathe again.

Sodapop was the first one to pull away, leaning back as Darry tightened his arms a little, Pony's ear to his chest. He could hear his brother's heartbeat, and the way his breath hitched as he tried to stop crying.

Soda reached out, touching his face where Ponyboy had to assume a bruise was forming. "Did Bob get a punch in?" he asked, and Pony shook his head, eyes drifting shut. He was so tired…he felt like he hadn't slept in weeks. Actually, now that he thought about it, he hadn't. Not really.

"Steve," he whispered, almost too wrung out to stay standing.

"Steve?" Darry repeated, and Soda's jaw dropped. Apparently Steve hadn't mentioned that part. "Steve hit you?"

"I hit him first," Pony told them, letting Darry lead him over to the sofa, Sodapop on his other side. They all sat, and Ponyboy thought he might just fall asleep.

"Okay…I'm going to need one of you to tell me the whole story here," Darry told him, looking more worried than usual. "You got into a fight with Steve?"

"He came to the DX and told me something happened at school…that Pony and Bob got into it. How'd you know to come home?" Soda wondered

"Two-Bit showed up and told me I needed to get home. Said something happened at school." Darry turned back to Pony. "What happened?"

After everything he'd told them, he figured this couldn't be any worse. "Bob had Johnny cornered in the locker room." He swallowed hard, not able to meet their eyes. "I…I guess I hit him. Or…I kept hitting him." He remembered Bob's bloody face and winced. "Then…I don't know," he admitted in a near whisper. "Johnny told me to stop and then…I saw Bob on the ground…"

"Steve told me he pulled you off Bob…and then you hit him."

"I don't remember."

Darry put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing hard, but even without him saying anything, Pony knew that he was freaked out.

"He didn't mention hitting you back," Soda said dryly, obviously trying to lighten the mood.

"I don't remember," he repeated, sounding as hopeless as he felt. "I didn't mean to…" flinching at his own choice of words and remembering that night Darry had hit him…how he'd said those same words. Darry went still beside him for a second, but then he started rubbing circles on his back.

"Okay," he murmured. "Okay…we…we have to figure something out. Pony…you…you can't…" he trailed off, shaking his head and sounding scared.

"I know," Ponyboy whispered, just as scared as his brother, and Darry pulled him close, his chin resting on his head for a minute.

"We need to find out if Bob's okay."

Apparently he'd been talking to Soda because he nodded. "Yeah…I'll ask around. Two-Bit can probably find out. Him or Dal."

"You need to go back to work?"

Ponyboy closed his eyes, wondering if he'd be able to take a quick nap while they talked.

"Steve's covering for me for now…but yeah, I'd probably better get back. I need to take his car back anyway. You?"

"I took the rest of the day off. I'm gonna stay here."

Soda put a hand on Pony's shoulder, squeezing tight, and he fought to open his eyes as his brother stood up. "I'll be back later, alright?"

Pony nodded, and he could tell his brother didn't want to go. He did though, leaving him alone with Darry. Used to, that had been the worst thing Pony could imagine, being alone with Darry in the house. Now he wanted to cling to his brother…to ask him to stay with him like he was a little kid who'd just had a nightmare.

"Pony?"

"Huh?" he asked, realizing at the last second he'd closed his eyes again.

"I'm gonna call that doctor. Pony you…you've gotta talk to her about this and…and figure out what's going on. Okay? You…" His hands closed into fists around Pony's shirt, pulling him impossibly closer like he was trying to stop someone from taking him away. "We have to figure out how to stop this from happening again. Because if…if it happens again and…and they take you…Pony I can't…none of us can go through that again," he whispered, voice breaking a little, and Ponyboy never wanted to hear his brother sound that scared again.

He'd do anything to fix this. He had to. He'd talked to his brothers. He'd asked the questions he'd been afraid to ask for months now. And everything was okay.

So he'd talk to that doctor if it meant he didn't hurt anyone again…if it meant Darry never had to be so scared of losing him again.

"Okay," he whispered, nodding and closing his eyes again, head resting on his brother's shoulder.

"Okay," Darry agreed.

He didn't get up to call right away, though. Instead, he brushed Pony's hair back, his hand still rubbing circles on his back until Ponyboy was drifting off. At some point, Darry must have moved, because a pillow appeared under his head and he was laying down, a blanket wrapped around him, and for the first time in weeks he fell into a peaceful sleep.

Chapter Text

"Good morning, Ponyboy."

"Hi," Pony murmured, trying to give Doctor Song a polite smile and managing something that felt more like a grimace. She glanced past him at the waiting room when he stepped into her office, her eyes on Darry who sat in one of the chairs, flipping idly through the same car magazine Soda had been reading the week before.

"I see Darry came with you this morning," she commented, gesturing for him to sit as she closed the door, taking her own seat.

"Yeah. Uh…he took off work today. I told him I could come by myself but he didn't want me to. Soda had to work, though."

"You said that Soda has a hard time sitting still. Does Darry mind waiting?"

"No…he's always been better at stuff like that."

"He called me yesterday and asked if we could have an appointment today. I was a little surprised…but he said something happened at school."

Ponyboy nodded, chest tight with anxiety.

He'd woken the night before when a hand had landed on his shoulder, shaking him a little and apparently ignoring Darry's soft order from the kitchen that they'd 'better not wake Pony up.' He'd opened his eyes, blinking up at Dallas who had ruffled his hair, then dropped into the recliner. Pony's first thought had been that he hadn't slammed the door, which was weird for Dally, but he'd moved past that pretty quick when he remembered the events of the day.

Walking into the locker room.

Being so scared that Bob would hurt Johnny.

Coming back to himself and looking down at Bob, unconscious on the floor.

Talking to Soda…no…spilling his guts to Soda. Telling him everything. And asking those awful questions he'd been keeping inside for months.

"Hey, Dal," he'd muttered, wiping a hand over his eyes and trying to wake up. He couldn't remember dreaming or anything. He'd just closed his eyes and then Dally had been shaking him.

"Hey, kid." Dallas had regarded him silently for a moment, something like concern in his eyes, which had been enough to freak him out a little.

"What's going on?" he'd asked, sitting up and pushing the blanket off him.

"Heard you and Bob Sheldon got into it."

Pony had flinched, dropping his gaze. "He went after Johnny."

"Yeah, and apparently you went after him. Just about killed him."

Ponyboy had shrugged. He'd been able to talk to his brothers, but he didn't know how to talk to Dallas about it. "He alright?" he'd asked, trying to sound like he didn't care.

"Dallas, I told you not to wake him up," Darry had snapped from the kitchen, and Pony had lied without thinking.

"He didn't. I woke up on my own."

Darry had given him a look that told him he didn't believe him for one second, but Dal had just shrugged, a master of looking innocent when he'd done something wrong. His brother had shaken his head. "I'm making fish for dinner. That sound okay?"

Pony had nodded, but it had been Dallas that had spoken up. "Yeah, sounds good. You got any cake?"

Darry had rolled his eyes, going back into the kitchen without answering, and Pony had laughed.

"Yeah, I think we do," he'd told him. "Darry made one Sunday, and his are better than Soda's."

That had been all the information Dally had needed, apparently.

Ignoring Darry's scolding about waiting for dinner, Dally had emerged from the kitchen with two slices of cake, putting one on the coffee table for Pony and digging into his own. Ponyboy had taken a bite, grinning sheepishly up at Darry when he'd poked his head in. But he must have just been glad to see Ponyboy eating because he'd gone back into the kitchen without saying anything, obviously fighting a grin and shaking his head to himself.

"Did you hear anything about Bob?" Pony had asked once they'd both eaten about half of their cake, struggling to meet his eyes and wondering if his brothers had told the gang what all he'd said.

"He's alive. You sure beat the shit out of him though. Not like he didn't deserve it. But he ain't exactly gonna go to the fuzz and tell them he got beat up because he was trying to jump some other kid at school. Those socs know who jumped him, but the teachers don't know anything."

Soda had come home not too much later, and since Dal had been there eating with them, none of them had said anything about Pony's confession, but Darry had told him later, once their buddy had left, that he'd gotten him an appointment the next morning, and that he would take him. And when they'd gone to bed, Soda had wrapped his arms around him, holding him close until he'd fallen asleep. He'd been too tired that night to talk about it anymore, but he knew that Soda was going to keep pushing.

He found he didn't mind that thought so much anymore.

Now his therapist sat across from him, waiting, and he forced himself to start talking. He wasn't able to meet her eyes as he spoke, but at least he could get the words out. "When I was in New York, my friend and I got a job working part time at a grocery store," he told the floor by her feet. "The owner's daughter, Sue, worked the register until they closed, then we stayed and locked up."

He swallowed hard, wishing he had some water but not sure if he was allowed to ask for any. Dr. Song was quiet, and he went on.

"One night, these guys came in. White guys. It was weird because white people didn't shop there much, and these guys were a couple of years older than me and…" he shrugged, not sure how to say it. "Real tough looking. Sue was talking to her friend at the register and one of them went over to her and the others were walking around and stealing stuff. Everybody shopping there left when they came in…and, uh…the one in the front grabbed Sue, and my friend tried to stop the others from stealing." His words were coming out too fast, tripping over each other, so he took a second to breathe. "I...I don't know what happened," he admitted. "But…Sue was scared and I hit that guy real hard. Then two more of them had Johnny and…"

He risked a glance up at her. She looked somber and attentive as always, no trace of any judgment in her eyes. Relieved, he went on, unclenching his hands and wiping them on his jeans, trying to breathe normally. He couldn't get in trouble for this, he reminded himself. It had been months ago.

"The next thing I remember is Johnny pulling me off of one of them. He wasn't even conscious anymore but I kept hitting him. Over and over…Johnny pulled me off and it was like…like I blacked out, then woke up. I couldn't believe I'd done that." He clenched his hands in his lap, staring a hole in the floor. "He was alive…him and his buddies jumped us and beat us up a couple of times afterwards," he added, knowing he needed to clarify.

"How did you feel? Before you blacked out. Do you remember?"

"I was…I was scared they'd hurt Sue and Johnny."

"That's a pretty valid fear. Especially considering the person you lived with before often hurt your foster siblings. According to your social worker, your foster sister told the police that you slept in the room she shared with Lianne every night to make sure Richard didn't hurt them."

He just nodded, still not wanting to talk about that. But he would if he had to, he told himself. If it meant he got to stay with his family, he'd do it. Still, Lianne's name was still like a knife in his chest, sharp and painful, taking his breath away for a second.

"Has anything like that happened again?"

Pony nodded again, his fingers aching from how tightly he wound them together. "Yeah. Um…yesterday. After school," he admitted in a whisper.

"Can you tell me what happened?"

And he did, starting with how Bob had been the one to hold his head under the water in that fountain…how he'd nearly drowned him, and how Johnny had stabbed him. Then he told her about coming back to school, and the way him and Randy had threatened them. He let out the fact that he'd threatened to stab Randy in the back, figuring she didn't need to know that. He told her that they'd mostly avoided each other in the last few weeks.

Then Ponyboy told her about the locker room.

"When Johnny pulled me off him…he was unconscious. He…he's alive and he's okay but…I would have kept hitting him. When Steve, my brother's buddy, pulled me off, I hit him too. But I don't remember. I didn't…I didn't mean to," he insisted, praying she didn't think he was lying and call a social worker to have him locked up or something. "I don't know why…I…I got mad at Soda yesterday, after he got home and tried to make me talk to him. But I didn't hit him! I'd never hit Soda…I was real mad, but I still wouldn't hurt him. But with Bob, I don't even remember doing it!"

"Were you angry with Bob?"

He opened his mouth, then closed it, shrugging a little. "I don't like him," he told her honestly. "He drinks a lot and jumps greasers…uh, guys like us. And I didn't want him to hurt Johnny."

But angry wasn't the right word…or…well, he had been angry but he'd been angry at lots of people and he hadn't hit them or nothing.

"So this has happened twice now?"

Ponyboy nodded, not bringing up the fact that it might have happened another time at the races if Dally hadn't ended his fight with Tim Shephard and then threatened him with bodily harm if he ever got into it with Tim.

"Both while you were trying to protect your friends?"

He nodded again, words escaping before he could sensor them. "It's like…I see what he's doing to Lianne," he whispered shakily. "I couldn't protect her. I just…I just wanted to protect her. And Rita…"

"And Johnny?" she prompted softly. "And your brothers."

He nodded, eyes hot as he dropped them.

"You did everything you could to protect Lianne, didn't you?"

He nodded again. "But I should have done more," he admitted. "I watched them kill her. I…I watched them and I…it was like I couldn't move."

"What would have happened if you'd intervened that night, Ponyboy?" she asked, leaning in. "I want you to really think about it. Would you have been able to save her?"

He was quiet for a long time, closing his eyes and doing everything he could to stop himself from crying. He didn't want to do this…he didn't want to think about this. He didn't want to remember sitting out behind that bar on that hot night, his only light the single bulb above the door always attracting moths…he didn't want to think about Lianne, with her bruises and her glittering, angry eyes. He didn't want to remember walking with her to school and having real conversations with another person for the first time in so long and feeling almost normal.

She'd only been thirteen. She'd talked about getting out of Oklahoma…out of America, and flying across the world to start a real life. She'd wanted to work with animals. She'd never said a word about her family, but she'd told him all about the dog she'd had as a kid and the frog she'd rescued a few weeks ago and the cat she'd seen behind the house but hadn't dared bring in in case Richard found out.

Those mornings walking to school, she'd filled the air between them with her constant chatter, and he still didn't know why she'd talked to him when she hadn't talked to anyone else. Maybe because he'd been quiet, listening and nodding along, laughing sometimes and wondering to himself what the guys would make of her. He'd always thought that Soda would like her. He'd think she was a cool kid…and she was as tough as any of them. Even Dallas.

But that night, behind the bar, he'd watched those men hold her down and he'd heard her scream, but he hadn't been able to move…hadn't even been about to yell at them…distract them or…or something! Anything!

Because they would have killed him. There had been so many of them and he knew he was a decent fighter but he wasn't good enough to take all of them…not when they'd had knives and guns and at least one cop on their side. And…and he'd been scared. Just thinking about that made him so ashamed he could hardly stand it. He'd been scared because he'd known that they would kill him too if he'd stepped in, so he'd just stood there, rooted to the stop with terror that had frozen his blood in his veins like ice as his back had pressed against the wall.

But even if he had stepped in…even if he'd been brave enough or stupid enouh, then it still wouldn't have stopped anything.

Because everyone was right. Richard would have killed both of them.

So he shook his head, hot tears running down his cheeks. "No," he whispered, breath coming in a shuddering gasp as he tried to make them stop. "I couldn't."

"Why not?"

The question hurt, even if she hadn't meant it to, and another tear ran down his face. But he made himself talk. He'd told himself that he would talk. "There were too many of them. All I had was a switchblade Dally gave me. There was a cop there…he had a gun. And they had blades too. And…" His voice broke but he made himself keep going. "They would have killed me too. They almost did."

"That's where you got the scar on your face, isn't it?" she asked gently.

He nodded, wiping the back of his hand over his eyes. "Yeah. The cop…he hit me with a busted bottle. Another guy stabbed me. If I hadn't gotten out of my jacket, they would have killed me too. But sometimes…" He tried to wipe his face again in a useless attempt to hide the fact he was crying, but he knew it was pointless…she already knew. "Sometimes I wish I had tried anyway. Even if they'd killed me too…it probably would have been better."

Pony flinched at his own words. He hadn't meant to say that. But it was out there now. And it was true.

Dr. Song was quiet for a moment, and then he heard her lean in. "Why do you wish that?"

"Because…because all I've done is cause my family trouble," he admitted, hoarse from the tears he couldn't stop now, breath hitching again. "Darry and Soda, they're both worried about me all the time. And the guys too…they're always watching out for me and I fought with Soda and he was upset and Darry had to miss work today even though we can hardly afford it."

"Do you think your brothers would agree?"

He looked up at that, wiping his eyes again and ignoring the box of tissues on the low table in front of him. "What?"

"Do you think your brothers would say that they wished those men had killed you? That they wish you had never come home because they're worried about you now?"

For some reason, hearing her say it like that made his stomach drop. "No," he told her, shaking his head.

"If Sodapop were in this room, just the two of us, and I asked him, Soda, do you wish those men had killed your little brother the night they killed Lianne so you didn't have to deal with him now? Do you think he'd say yes?"

Poyboy's jaw dropped, the tears already on his face temporarily forgotten. "No, of course not!"

"Even if he knew that you could never know his answer? That he'd never get in any trouble over it…that no one would ever find out," she pressed.

"No…Soda…Soda loves me. He wouldn't want me dead!"

"What about Darry? If I called him in and asked him, without you in the room, Darry, do you wish those men had killed your little brother so you wouldn't have to worry about him anymore? Would your life be easier if he was dead? What would he say?"

"He'd say no! He'd…" Pony trailed off, not wanting to think about how mad Darry would be, mind flashing to the hole in their wall. If she asked him something like that, he had a feeling she'd have a matching hole in her own wall.

"How would your brothers react if I asked them that?"

"They'd…they'd be real mad. They'd hate you for it." That was an understatement. He could only imagine how much Darry would yell…how Soda would cuss her out, even though he almost never swore at women.

Doctor Song nodded, softening. "That's understandable. You're their little brother. They love you very much. It must have been difficult for all of you to be separated for so long."

"It was," he whispered, sitting back and wiping his eyes.

"And for your friends as well. You all seem very close. Do you think that if I brought them in here one by one and asked them, do you wish Ponyboy was dead so that you didn't have to worry about him anymore, that they would be upset with me?"

Pony nodded, eyes downcast. "Yeah. They'd all be real mad."

It was true. Every one of them would. Even Steve. Hell, even Dallas.

Dallas had no problem swearing at women.

"I understand that when you were in that house, you felt like it was your job to protect your foster sisters. Why is that?"

He stared at her for a second, eyes wide, taken aback by the seeming change in topic. "No one else would," he explained, shrugging and trying to brush it off, wiping his eyes again, glad that the tears had stopped at least. "The other guys, they knew what was going on, but they didn't even try…"

"Are you angry with them? Because they didn't try to stop Richard from hurting Lianne and Rita?"

"Yeah," he muttered, eyes downcast. He knew he shouldn't be. He knew they had just been looking out for themselves. But he was. He just about hated them for it.

"Rita and Lianne…they were being hurt in that house. Right?"

"Yeah."

"They couldn't protect themselves, could they?"

"No. They were…they were scared. They couldn't have fought him. Lianne tried but…" he shook his head, trailing off.

"Was there any way you could have stopped Richard from hurting the three of you?"

He shook his head, then hesitated. "If I'd killed him," he admitted. "That's the only thing that would have stopped him."

"I think you're right. You didn't have anyone that could help you. The other boys in that house weren't around very much, and you didn't have your friends or your brothers…it was just you. Right?"

"Yeah."

"And the girls, your foster sisters, they couldn't protect themselves?"

"No…they…he was big and they were scared and…and I don't think they knew how to fight or nothing."

"But you do?"

"I mean…yeah. Growing up in my neighborhood, we all fought sometimes. You have to to keep from getting beat up." That hadn't stopped him from getting jumped, but he'd fought in rumbles…not that he was going to bring that up.

"So you knew how to fight. You'd fought to defend yourself before. And so, when you saw two girls being hurt, you did everything you could to stop it?"

"It wasn't enough though. He still hurt them sometimes," Pony admitted, still ashamed of himself for allowing it..

"Now, has there been a time since you've left Richard's house that you fought someone and you didn't lose time? Where you knew what you were doing and didn't black out?"

"Uh…yeah. When Rita's boyfriend was bothering her. He…he tried to grab her and I pushed him away. Then we got into it."

"So you were protecting her?"

"Yeah."

"Why do you think this time was different?"

Pony shrugged a little. "I…I don't know. I just…I didn't want to do that again. Like I'd done in the store. I don't ever want to really hurt someone. I…I know we all fight sometimes and people think…they think we're hoods because the way we dress and our hair and stuff, and sometimes we do stuff we shouldn't but…I don't like fighting. I wouldn't hurt someone for no reason. I never was like that before…and I was scared," he admitted. "When I found him bothering her. I was scared it would happen again."

"But it didn't?"

"No. We just fought and Two-Bit showed up and helped me out. Pulled him off me and told him to get out of town. He likes Rita, and he wouldn't let that guy hurt her either."

"When Bob had your friend cornered in the locker room, were you thinking about that? About not wanting to hurt someone?"

Ponyboy shook his head. "No. I was thinking…" he tried to put it into words, doing the best he could. "I was real tired. And I just wanted to go home. But then I saw Johnny and he was bleeding, and Bob was standing over him. It was like, I was seeing Richard standing over Rita or Lianne…or those New York hoods standing over Johnny and kicking him. I just…I couldn't let him hurt Johnny."

"If this same thing had happened before you went to live with Richard…if you'd come into the locker room and found Bob hitting your friend, how do you think you would have reacted?"

"I still would have helped Johnny." He thought for a minute. "But…we would have teamed up. Fought him off together. And Steve and Two-Bit came too…so they would have helped."

"Because Johnny can protect himself pretty well too, right?"

"Yeah. He's real tough."

She was quiet for a moment, then leaned in, hands clasped, and he struggled to meet her gaze. "Would you like to know what I think?"

Ponyboy nodded, partially because he did but also because he didn't think he was supposed to say no. She was a doctor, after all.

"I think that for a long time, you were alone. You were in a dangerous situation, where you were solely responsible for protecting your foster sisters. And the stakes were very high. If you didn't do everything you could to protect them, which included letting him hurt you instead of them, then he would hurt them. Badly."

He nodded, dropping his eyes.

"So your brain got used to living that way, where the stakes were always high, and you were the one that had to protect everyone you cared about. Now, the stakes aren't as high anymore, right? If you hadn't kept hitting those men at the grocery store in New York, would someone else have helped you?"

"Yeah…Johnny was fighting them too. And Mr. Williams, our boss, had a baseball bat. He would have helped us."

"And in the locker room?"

"Johnny can fight. Two-Bit and Steve too."

"So what we need to work on is relearning the difference between a situation where the stakes are literally life and death, and a situation where you have help…where you are not fighting for your life. Because your brothers and your friends, they all sound like capable, strong people. They can defend themselves for the most part. Right?"

"Yeah."

"I want you to keep reminding yourself of that. You are not the one responsible for protecting everyone anymore. You aren't in that situation anymore. You aren't alone. Your brothers and your friends are not relying on you to keep them safe."

She sounded like Soda…Soda who had put his hands on his shoulders and told him he didn't have to protect him. That he and Darry were the ones that protected him…even if they hadn't been able to before. He knew it was true…he knew that his brothers would always protect him if they could. But how, he wondered, was he supposed to remember that all the time? It felt impossible.

But he thought of Bob's unconscious body on the locker room floor and Steve's broken nose and knew he had to try.

When the session was nearly over, Ponyboy chanced a question, his voice nearly dying in his throat, but he forced his words out anyway. "Doctor Song?"

She leaned in, everything about her posture telling him that she was listening.

"Do…do you think I'll ever be…"

Okay? Whole? Fixed?

"Normal again?" The question sounded inadequate even to him, but he hoped she understood.

She seemed to, pausing before choosing her words carefully. "I think what happened to you will take a long time to fully heal from. And you may never be exactly the same. But Ponyboy," she told him, her hands clasped, her smile gentle. "I fully believe that you will move past this. I believe that with the support of your family and your friends, and with continued therapy, you'll be able to recover. Probably not all at once. But little by little. You're already doing exactly what you need to…you're talking about what happened. You're going to school and spending time with your friends. Sometimes, after horrible things happen, we just have to keep moving through life until we can feel normal again. Does that make sense?"

Pony nodded. Yeah, he thought, remembering all those hours he'd spent trying to act normal. That made perfect sense.

Chapter Text

Darry did his best not to start bouncing his leg as he flipped through the car magazine for the third time, eyes skimming over cars he was pretty sure he'd never be able to afford. They sure were tuff looking though, he thought, eyes darting to the door to the office where his little brother was talking to the doctor. He wanted to go in. He wanted to just open that door and sit beside his brother and ask the doctor what was wrong with Ponyboy and how they fixed it.

He knew that sounded harsh…and he knew that his response to discovering that his little brother had nearly killed Bob Sheldon and didn't even remember doing it hadn't been the best. He thought he probably could have done better…their parents would have done better, he was sure. But…Ponyboy had nearly killed someone! And it wasn't like when they were in a rumble or that he'd been jumped or something like that…this was at school! This was the kind of thing that could get him taken away! If he was caught doing something like that at school…they could call the social worker! Hell, they could call the fuzz! And he knew it wasn't Ponyboy's fault because the kid couldn't even remember doing it, but that was worse, somehow.

Ponyboy didn't do stuff like that. He wasn't that kind of kid! Or…he hadn't been. But he was different now, and they were all doing their best to cope with it. He knew it was hardest for Sodapop, but it wasn't easy on Pony either. He'd been getting better, a little at a time. He seemed more at ease, at least, and he was doing his best to act like everything was normal. And Darry had been hoping that, between school and track and hanging out with the guys, he would keep getting better.

But then Two-Bit had showed up at the house he'd been roofing. His friend had been shouting at him from the ground, and it had taken a minute for him to hear over the other guys talking. When he finally had, climbing down the ladder and wondering what the hell Two-Bit was doing bugging him at work, he'd frozen at the look on the younger man's face. He'd looked almost scared…grim and worried, brow furrowed, arms crossed tight across his chest.

"Two-Bit? You okay? What's going on?"

"You need to get home," Two had told him, glancing up at his room. "It's Pony."

Darry's heart had dropped. "What? Is he okay?"

"I don't think he's hurt but…something happened at school."

And Darry had been driving off, shouting out to his foreman that there was a family emergency, before his friend could give him any more details. He'd known that whatever was going on, Two-Bit wouldn't show up at his work for something small.

And he'd been right.

He leaned in a little, trying to see if he could hear anything from inside the office, but it was no use. That room must be soundproof or something…or maybe they were talking too quiet for Darry to hear him. Either way, he needed to know the solution to this. He had to figure out how to fix it. This wasn't his little brother freaking out at loud noises or having trouble focusing or having nightmares.

All of those things they'd faced and dealt with. He'd reminded the guys over and over not to slam the door. And they'd all been pretty good about not sneaking up on the kid or being too rough with him. Soda still slept in the same room, and he did his best to comfort him after those nightmares. Two-Bit kept an eye on him at school, and he was pretty sure their friends were making sure he ate regular meals.

No, this was so much worse.

And he didn't know how to fix it. That, more than anything, scared him to death…scared him even more than those questions Pony had asked him.

Why didn't you find me?

Did you even want to, Darry?

Glory that had hurt…more than just about anything. It had taken everything in him not to start bawling right there. But he'd been waiting for those questions…hadn't he asked himself that same thing a thousand times? Why hadn't he found his brother? Why hadn't he said to hell with the social worker and just went after his brother himself? Why hadn't he at least tried to check on him?

He knew why, of course. Because he'd been afraid.

So he'd almost been glad when Ponyboy had finally asked the questions he'd been waiting for. When it had finally been out in the open, scary but something he could deal with. If they could talk about it and fix it, Darry had thought, things would be be better. It would help all of them. He had to make sure his brother knew that he'd been doing everything he could to get him back the legal way…and that if he'd known how bad things were, he would have done anything, legal or not, to put a stop to it.

Pony had seemed to believe him, and it had been like a weight had been lifted off all of them.

But then he'd found out what exactly had happened at school, and he'd been scared all over again.

An hour passed, somehow. Usually he wasn't too bad at sitting still, but today, he couldn't help the worries that seemed to be weighing him down.

Worries that his little brother would never truly be okay again.

Worries that someone would call the fuzz because of what had happened with Bob.

Worries that missing another day of work was going to get him in trouble, and that they wouldn't be able to pay the bills.

He checked his watch and grimaced. An hour and ten minutes, he thought with a sigh. Wasn't this supposed to only be an hour? Would the therapist call the cops herself? Was a social worker on their way to take his little brother again? The worries were driving him nuts and he wanted to scream sometimes. But that would just scare Pony more, so he kept it in and took his frustration out at the gym whenever he could. Now, though, his options were to keep staring at the car magazine or pace around the room, so he stuck with the magazine, leg bouncing like Soda's.

Finally, though, the door opened, and it took everything in him to look back down at his magazine instead of jumping to his feet. Pony had been nervous all night and all morning, and Darry hated that this was something else he had to stress about. But they had to fix this. Somehow. When he glanced up at his brother, his heart dropped a little. His eyes were red-rimmed, hands shoved in his pockets like he didn't know what to do with them.

Darry pushed past his own discomfort, not letting himself blurt out all the questions he wanted to ask. Instead, he dropped the magazine and jumped up, reaching out and putting his arms around the kid. Pony didn't stiffen or pull away like he'd worried he would…like he might have before all this when all they'd done was fight. Instead, he practically melted into him, one hand coming up to grip his shirt, and Darry put a hand on the back of his head, wishing he knew what to say to make any of this better.  "You're alright, kiddo," he finally muttered, feeling inadequate, but Pony just leaned on him like he could protect him from any of this.

Doctor Song met his eyes when he looked up, giving him a brief smile, and he nodded, patting Pony's back and squeezing him a little tighter. Sometimes it felt like all he could do for Ponyboy was be there, so by God he'd be there as best he could.

He waited for Pony to pull away, wiping self-consciously at his eyes, then squeezed his shoulder. "Wait out here for a second, kiddo."

Pony nodded, letting Darry lead him to a chair that he dropped into, grinning a little when he placed the car magazine in his hands. Once he was sure he was going to be okay for a second, he met the doctor's eyes. She gestured for him to step inside her office, and he did, taking a seat on the sofa while she shut the door.

"I know you can't tell me anything he said," he started, watching as she took a seat in her own chair.

She clasped her hands, smiling a little, and he could see that she was good at listening…good at making people feel heard. He'd felt it before when he'd talked to her at first, but he'd been too nervous to really think about it. He wondered briefly if she could give him a few tips.

"I just…you know what happened? At school? With him and that Bob guy? Right?"  He'd told her the gist on the phone, and he figured that's what her and Pony had talked about, but he wanted to make sure.

She hesitated for a moment, then nodded, and he went on, his words tripping over themselves.

"He beat that kid. And he doesn't even remember doing it. Pony ain't like that! I know…look, I know what people probably think about us, living where we do, but my kid brother doesn't do stuff like that. Hell, I don't think he even likes to fight! Before all this, I was always on him to carry a blade just to defend himself, and he never would. But now…something's wrong with him."  He hated saying that...hated telling some stranger that something was wrong with his little brother.  But he couldn't risk something like this happening again...not when they could take him away again.  

"Do you know if the boy he was fighting with is okay?"

"Yeah…my buddy asked around. He's gonna be fine." That was a bit of an exaggeration, but a harmless one. Bob Sheldon deserved every punch Pony had thrown, Darry was sure of it. But that wasn't the issue.

"But you're worried about this happening again?"

Darry nodded. "Yeah. If…if he does something like that again…and…I don't even know how to talk to him about this," he admitted, wiping a hand over his face and wondering when this had turned into a therapy session for him. "I'm glad he's talking now, you know? He…he finally started talking to Soda. Me too. But…I don't know what the hell to say to him."

He started to apologize for swearing, knowing his mom would have laid into him for swearing around a woman and a doctor like that...glory his missed his mom.  She'd know how to talk to Pony.  Still, Dr. Song she didn't seem bothered. "You knew that he needed you. Just now."

He looked up, meeting her eyes. They were soft, and compassionate, and he was glad that she was Pony's therapist because he didn't think Pony would have felt safe with a man after everything that had happened to him. "Yeah."

"How?"

"He…he's my kid brother. I've known him all his life," he told her, shrugging and struggling to put it into words.

Ponyboy rarely went to him for comfort anymore…Darry was pretty sure that had stopped after their parents had died and they'd started fighting. And after Pony had come back from New York, he'd been different. Distant, in a way he'd never been. Sure, as the weeks had passed, he'd turned to Darry if he'd been the only one around. But he'd been seeming to try and keep a wall up between himself and everyone else, especially Darry and Soda. He'd give them that painful smile he had now, like he was trying so hard to reassure them, when all they wanted to do was help, and he'd go off on his own more times than not. Getting Pony to drop his guard had been just about impossible since he'd come home.

But Darry always knew. He could always tell when Ponyboy was upset…when he was irritated about something, or when he was in a bad mood…or when something was wrong. Really wrong. Wrong enough that he needed somebody. From the time Pony was old enough to talk, Darry had always been able to read his little brother easier than any book.

Then he'd gotten that awful visit from the police telling him that their parents had died, and ever since it had been like he was existing in a vacuum. All he'd known was that he had to keep his family together, and that had meant working what felt like every minute of every day and pushing down his own grief and exhaustion. Gone had been the days of skiing with his friends and saving up for college. Gone had been sneaking Pony sips of his beer when their parents hadn't been looking or covering for his brothers when they got home late or swiping fresh baked cookies from the kitchen meant for church bake sales and handing them off to Pony and Soda when their parents weren't looking.

He hadn't had the time or energy anymore to be a big brother when he had to be a parent. And before he'd known it, all him and Pony had done was fight, with Soda stuck in the middle, always sticking up for Pony and trying to make peace.

Soda had always been there for Pony. But after all this, Darry had sworn that he'd be there too. That he'd pay attention. That he wouldn't let bills and stress over work distract him from the fact that Ponyboy needed him sometimes. That he was growing up without a mom or a dad to turn to, so his brothers were all he really had.

"I think that our talk today, and the fact that he's willing to open up to both you and Soda, are going to help," she told him, still smiling that compassionate, kind smile. "And I think you have good instincts when it comes to your brother." Doctor Song hesitated then, her expression turning almost somber. "It would be a good idea to make sure he's with someone that can keep an eye on him…if he finds himself in this situation again. At least for a little while."

Darry nodded. He knew Two-Bit and Steve and Johnny would all be on it…would all be watching out for him even more closely than before. Soda had told him after work, just the two of them, that Johnny had been the one to stop him after Steve had tried and failed.

"But…if something like this does happen again, we might want to consider medication."

That made his blood turn cold, and he couldn't help remembering that day Pony had turned to him with wide, terrified eyes, begging him to promise that he would never make him take something he didn't want to. The way he'd sat on the floor, curled up and crying, looking so small and so scared that Darry had just about prayed to find the right words to help him.

"What kind of medication?" he asked, unable to hide how he felt about that.

"Something to help him manage the anxiety he's feeling." She went on before he could protest. "There is still a lot we don't know about the human brain and how living through the things your brother had to live through affects it. But I know that your brother is very afraid. And medication might be able to help."

"Isn't there anything I can do?" Darry asked, trying not to feel helpless. Pony was afraid? His brother wasn't supposed to be afraid! Not anymore! Not now that he was home!

"You're already doing it. I can tell that you're doing a good job with him. He trusts you. He knows that he's safe with you."

Darry managed to drag his eyes up to hers once more, trying to find comfort in her smile.

"I think that if you keep doing what you're doing, and if he keeps talking, that he's going to get better."

He tried to take that to heart…tried to tell himself that what he was doing was working, even if it wasn't working fast enough to suit him. "Thanks, Doctor Song. I…I can't thank you enough…for helping him."

"Of course. I'm sure you can tell, but he's making really good progress. I can see that he's come a long way from his first session."

Darry nodded. He was proud of his kid brother…proud of him for surviving even when he hadn't wanted to. Proud of him for doing well in school and running track and trying so hard to go back to the way things had been…back to normal. "He's a good kid," Darry told her, knowing that trying to put his feelings into clumsy words wouldn't work, but she smiled, obviously understanding.

"He is." She reached over to her desk, grabbing a leather planner and opening it. "I believe your brother is still scheduled for an appointment this Saturday?"

He hesitated. These appointments were mostly covered by insurance, but he wasn't sure an extra one would be. "I uh…I've gotta call the insurance company."

She frowned down at her planner for a moment, a furrow appearing between her brows, then looked back up at him, her expression back to placid. "I don't think that's necessary. Ponyboy can come in on Saturday at the usual time. Don't worry about today."

He narrowed his eyes, shaking his head. "You…you don't have to…"

"I'd say this was more of an informal talk than an actual appointment. I'll make sure that's taken care of."

"Doctor Song…" He didn't even have the will to argue, not when they really couldn't afford to, what with him missing work today and leaving early the day before. "Thank you," he finally settled on muttering, torn between shame and gratitude.

"No thanks necessary. I try to be available for informal meetings as often as possible, so if you need anything, you can give me a call anytime during office hours."

Ponyboy was flipping through the car magazine right where he'd left him, apparently engrossed. Darry had to smile a little. The kid always had his head in the clouds. Used to, that had scared him. He'd worried constantly that he was going to get jumped one day when he wasn't paying attention, or even that he'd wander into traffic or something, too busy thinking about books and movies, and he'd let that fear turn into snapping at the kid half the time. Now, it was hard to be upset with him about much of anything, considering everything he'd been through. Not to mention, the kid always carried a blade now.

And he was different. Tougher. Darry had always wanted him to be able to defend himself…but he hated that this was how Pony had gotten that way.

"Find anything good?" he asked, keeping a few feet away on instinct, making sure not to tower over him.

He glanced up at him, looking nervous for a second, but surely he knew that Dr. Song couldn't tell him anything they'd talked about.  After a second, Pony seemed to relax, then flipped the magazine and showed him a cherry red Mustang.  "Yeah. What do you think?"

Darry nodded. "Pretty tuff."

"I'll be sixteen before too long…" Pony trailed off, grinning, and Darry snorted, rolling his eyes and trying not to think about the fact that he'd lost almost a whole year of Ponyboy's life.  That he was turning sixteen, not fifteen.  

"Sure. And when you turn sixteen, you're welcome to buy that car." He held out a hand that Pony took, dropping the magazine on the table and letting Darry pull him up and put an arm around him, leading him toward the door.

"With money I earned at a part time job?"

Darry squeezed his shoulder, wishing it were that simple. Wishing that none of this had happened and he hadn't fought with him that night and that he'd been better, somehow…a better brother and a better guardian. He didn't want Ponyboy to have to work part-time…he didn't want him to have to worry about money. Hell, he didn't want to have to worry about money all the time. He wanted their parents back and he wanted his little brother to feel safe and not have to worry about people like Richard…but it had happened, he reminded himself firmly. All of it. And wishing it away wasn't going to fix anything.

It never did.

So he was just going to have to do the best he could.

"Maybe. If you think you've got time with school and track practice," he gave in, and he glanced down to meet Ponyboy's wide-eyed gaze. "But the second your grades drop, the job goes. You hear me?" he asked, struggling to keep his voice stern when Pony was smiling at him like that.

"Yeah. I dig," he promised, ducking away when Darry went to ruffle his hair.

"Good. Because you're going to college, come hell or high water."

Pony was quiet for a minute as they made their way down the stairs, but when he spoke, he was serious. "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Are you going to go to college?" He hesitated, then went on, speaking almost too fast. "I mean…I could work for a while. After I graduate. And you could go."

Darry shook his head, lowering his voice a little. Glory, Pony was a good kid. "No way, Pone. You're going to college after high school. Once we've got you in school, I'll start saving up."

"It ain't fair," Pony muttered, and Darry put a hand on the back of his neck, squeezing gently.

"I know. But we're going to make it work." They'd reached the street and he patted him on the back, trying to grin like he wasn't always worried about the same things…college and getting his little brother through this and bills and Sodapop being a dropout and working at a filling station. "For now, how about we get something to eat, huh? Soda said you two usually went to the diner down the road. That sound okay?"

"Yeah…sure. Sounds good."

Chapter Text

Bob Sheldon wasn’t in school the next day.

Pony couldn’t help being nervous as he made his way to homeroom beside Two-Bit, his friend looking as calm as anything.  All around them, people were whispering, giving him wide-eyed looks as he caught words like ‘greaser’ and ‘hood’ which was nothing new.  

Jacob Radcliff, a greaser from around town who they palled around with sometimes and who’d rumbled with them occasionally, nodded to them from his locker, coming up and shoving his hands in his pockets.  

“How’s it going, man?” Two-Bit asked, nodding to him as they came to a stop in front of him.

“Hey Two-Bit.  Curtis.”  

Pony nodded hello.

“Heard you and Bob Sheldon got into it…everybody's saying he went after the Cade kid.”  

“Yeah.  Tried to jump Johnny in the locker room after school,” Two-Bit told him.  “You heard anything about how he’s doing?”

“Heard he’s gonna be fine, but his parents are keeping him home for a few more days.”  He looked around, leaning in and looking between the two of them conspiratorially, like he was hoping for some more information.  “Those socs sure are pissed at you, kid.”

Pony shrugged, trying to look like he didn’t care.  “That’s nothing new.”

Two-Bit propped an elbow onto Ponyboy’s shoulder with a dangerous grin.  “If they want to rumble, they know where to find us.”  

The other greaser chuckled, rocking back on his heels and grinning as he hooked his thumbs into his pockets.  “Nah…they just want Curtis.”

“Well if they want him, they’re gonna have to go through all of us.”  Two told him, voice going cold.  When Pony glanced up at him, his eyes were cold too, and he didn’t doubt that his buddy meant it.  

Two-Bit was doing a real good job of acting like everything was normal, but Pony knew better.  His friend had been freaked out…beyond freaked out.  Steve and Johnny too.  And it wasn’t like Pony wasn’t used to the whispers…used to the long looks.  He guessed it didn’t hurt…hell, it might help, since those socs had to be gunning for him.  But no one else approached him.  They passed Cherry and her friend on their way to class, but Pony didn’t spare her a glance, not wanting to think about the fact that he’d about killed her ex-boyfriend and couldn’t even remember doing it.  He had to assume that she was upset about it, even if they were broken up.  She hated fights, after all, which was all well and good when you didn’t have to fight to protect yourself or your friends.

He hadn’t exactly been given that choice.

But, he reminded himself, he didn’t have to protect Johnny or Two-Bit or his brothers…no one was in danger.  Even if the socs wanted a fight, his friends and his brothers could all protect themselves.  Richard was in jail.  He couldn’t hurt him or any of his friends.  Things were fine.

The day before, when Darry had taken him to the diner, the two of them had eaten their burgers and drank their milkshakes in relative silence.  He hadn’t exactly spent a ton of time with Darry over the years.  Sure, his brother had always been there to help him out if he’d needed it, and they’d fought together in rumbles and had hung out with the guys together, Pony tagging along.  But the age difference meant they’d never been friends.  They hadn’t done much one on one, even before their parents. 

It hadn’t been weird or awkward though, the two of them eating at that diner.  A couple of guys they’d known from around town had stopped by their table, catching up with Darry and, thankfully, not mentioning Bob or Pony being gone for a year or the foster home or anything.  Pony had kept quiet through most of it, waiting for one of them to ask him about Bob, but none of them did.  So he’d just focused on his food, more than happy to go along with Darry’s lie that they had to talk to someone from social services when their friends from around town wanted to know why he was off work and why Pony wasn’t in school.  

Ponyboy took a seat in the back of his homeroom, Two-Bit taking the desk next to him as always.  Two had driven him to school that morning, Johnny catching a ride too, while Steve had gone to pick up Evie, and he’d noticed that both Johnny and Two-Bit had been quieter than usual, almost grim.  But neither of them had said anything about what had happened with Bob.  He figured they didn’t know what to say, but neither did he.  So he hoped they could just leave it and move on.

Not that that ever worked.  

Right now, he was just grateful that Bob hadn’t told any of the teachers or the principal who exactly had beaten the shit out of him.  He’d definitely told his friends, though, which was probably part of the reason why Two-Bit and Johnny were sticking so close.

Not to mention the last time he’d gotten into a fight, he’d just about killed someone.  

“Kid?  You good?” Two-Bit asked after a moment, and Pony pulled himself out of his thoughts, trying to get his head out of the clouds.  

“Yeah, fine.”

Two-Bit looked like he wanted to say more, but Ponyboy doubted he’d do it in class where anyone could overhear, so he just nodded.  Then he jerked his chin toward the door.  “You see Cherry in the hall?”

Pony shrugged, wishing he could pull out a book and read, but Two-Bit would just take it from him if he tried.  “Yeah, I guess.”

“Steve said she was trying to talk to you Monday before school.”

“Yeah.”

“How come?”

“You’d have to ask her.”  

He could tell right off from Two-Bit’s unimpressed look that he wasn’t going to leave it alone. 

“I did.  She said you didn’t want to talk.”  

Pony shrugged.  

“What’s going on?”

“It doesn’t matter.  She just wanted to…she said she was sorry.  About Lianne.”  He was kind of surprised that his voice came out almost normal when he said her name, despite the stabbing pain that always accompanied the flashes of his last memories of her.  

A knife.

A hand over her mouth.

The hole they’d already dug.

“That all?” Two asked, his voice softer than before, and Pony nodded, even though he had no idea if that was true.  Cherry hadn’t spoken to him except the once since he’d come back, and he was fine if they kept it that way.  He didn’t need to be spending time with soc girls, that was for sure.  They’d just get him in trouble, and the last thing he wanted was more trouble.  

“Yeah.  That’s all.”

“You know we ain’t gonna let those socs get to you, right?”

Pony forced a grin as he turned to face his friend.  “Yeah…I know.”   

Even though he didn’t have classes with the guys, they found him in the hallways between classes, heading to the DX for lunch.  Once they arrived, Sodapop handed him a sandwich and some chips and ruffled his hair, his hand staying on his head for a second.  Pony brushed him off with a grin, ducking away and trying to fix his hair.  “Quit,” he muttered, elbowing him, and Soda laughed, leaning against Two-Bit’s car.

“How’s it going?  Those assholes bugging you?”

“Hell, Soda, you know we ain’t gonna let that happen,” Two-Bit put in as he handed Pony a comb from his back pocket, Steve nodding and taking a swig of the Pepsi he’d grabbed from inside.  Pony dropped his eyes from Steve’s face as he fixed his hair, not wanting to look at his broken nose, and took a bite of his sandwich, the guilt hitting him anyway.  

Every time he saw Steve, he felt a stab of regret.  He hadn’t meant to hurt him, and his nose was still a little crooked…the swelling had gone down, but the skin around his nose was purple and blue and Pony knew it had to hurt, even if Steve had just brushed him off when he’d tried to apologize that first time…he knew he had to try again.  But not in front of everybody at the DX…he’d have to try and catch him alone.

Soon it was time to go back to school, and Soda gripped his shoulder before he got back in the car, looking like he wanted to talk about something.  He just grinned though, and squeezed his shoulder, then patted him on the back, and Pony knew his brother was trying as hard as he was to get back to normal.  “Have a good day, kiddo.  Try to learn something, huh?”

And Pony did, focusing on his classes and ignoring the looks he was getting…impressed looks from other greasers, angry ones from the socs, and nervous ones from the handful of middle class kids that didn’t get involved in fights between the two extremes, but who heard it all secondhand.  Still, he tried not to let himself think about it, hoping it would all die down soon. 

By the time study hall rolled around, he was starting to doubt that it would.  The whole school seemed to be holding its breath, the air tense with something…something was going to happen.  Pony just didn’t know what.  But everyone seemed to be on edge, and the feeling was catching.  Two-Bit took his usual seat beside him, tossing his books too loudly onto the desk, but all the teacher did was give him a look.  

He must have been able to feel Pony staring at him because he glanced up, eyes narrowing a little.  “What’s going on, kid?  I got something on my face?” he asked with his usual easygoing smile.

“You heard anything?”

Two’s cheerful facade didn’t even crack.  “Nope.  You?”

Pony shook his head, trying to ignore the tightness in his chest.  He was fine…everything was fine.  He had his friends watching his back and so far he was making all A’s, which would make Darry happy…track was going well, and he was getting letters from Sue.  He didn’t have anything to worry about.

The stakes weren’t life and death.  He didn’t have to worry.  All he had to do was finish his school work and figure out what to make for dinner once he got home.

He and Johnny left school together, the both of them keeping an eye out for socs.  Both had blades in their pockets just in case, as usual, but no one bugged them thankfully.  “Hey, Johnny?” Pony started, not sure how to bring this up, but he’d been curious for long enough that he finally had to ask.

“Yeah?”

“Everything, uh…is everything going alright?  At home?”

Johnny shoved his hands in his pockets, grinning a little.  “Sure, man.  Things are fine.”

“Because…if you need to sleep on the couch or anything…”

His friend nudged him with his shoulder.  “Yeah, I know.  Things are fine.  They don’t bug me much anymore.  And I don’t spend much time there anyway, you dig?”

“Sure.”  Pony nodded, relieved.  

They parted ways as Johnny headed to work and Pony went home, keeping an eye out.  He knew Darry would have preferred him to try and get a ride, but Steve had work and Two-Bit was taking Susie home, so Pony had figured he could walk on his own just fine, especially since he had his blade. 

And he wouldn’t hesitate to use it.  Not now.

Once he got home, he grabbed the mail and jogged absently up the porch, flipping through the bills and junk mail with Darry’s name on it as he slipped into the house, catching the screen door with his foot before it could slam shut.  The house was silent, and he glanced around, even though he figured nobody was home.  He was just about to try and figure out what he should get started for dinner when he saw it.

Pony tossed the rest of the mail onto the kitchen table, his smile involuntary as he read his name in her familiar handwriting.  He and Sue had exchanged a handful of letters now, and he knew he needed to call her back…she’d talked to Darry, apparently, but he hadn’t really gotten the chance to sit and talk to her…he was never really alone and he didn’t want to talk to her with his brothers listening in.  Not to mention the guys…he didn’t know if Two-Bit and Steve even knew about her, and he wasn’t itching for them to find out.  At least, not from him.  He was sure they’d make it impossible for him to have an actual conversation with her on the phone if they were in the room.  

Setting a package of ground beef on the counter to thaw, he grabbed the ingredients for chili, setting everything out before heading to his room to read her letter.  He’d barely collapsed on the bed before he had it out of the envelope, eyes skimming the page and reading all about New York and her school and the books she was reading.  She told him about Mr. Williams too, and Marcus, and how they were all doing, and mentioned James too…apparently he’d been around some, palling around with Marcus.  He couldn’t help his smile as he read the letter again, wishing it was longer than a page.  Sometimes, it felt like writing letters back and forth with Sue was the easiest thing in his life right now.  She didn’t ask him questions about Richard or what kind of stuff he’d gone through…she didn’t know about it.  Not really.  Just that it had been bad.  Instead, they talked about easy stuff.  Their day to day lives.  School.  Books and movies.  A little about his brothers, and what they were up to.  

Simple.  Easy.  

Once he’d read the letter a full five times, he stuffed it back into the envelope and left it on his desk.  Turning the radio on just about full blast and knowing he had a little while before Darry got home and turned it down, he started on dinner, browning the hamburger then tossing everything in the pot to let the chili start cooking.  Then he cleaned up the kitchen, pulling his sleeves up as he did the dishes, then yanking them back down.

Just because he could wear a tank top during track practice didn’t mean he wanted to walk around with his arms exposed all the time.  He still didn’t want to see it…didn’t want to see the mess of round scars that went from his wrists to his elbows  

He was in his room when his brothers got home, having preemptively turned the radio down some.  Darry hadn’t yelled at him once since he’d been back, but he sure didn’t want to break that streak.  He’d started his letter back to Sue, but as the front door shut with a soft click, he opened his text book on top of it and decided to finish up his reading for history, the urge to hide it strange and immediate.

Darry was the first to poke his head in, stepping into the room when he found Ponyboy at his desk.  “Hey.  School go alright?”

“Yeah, it was fine.”

“You see those socs around?”

“Nah.  Bob stayed home.”

Darry nodded slowly, looking at him real close like he was trying to figure out if he was telling him the whole truth.

“You done with your homework?”

“Just about.”

“Good.  Dinner smells good.  Thanks, kiddo.”  

His brother left him to it when Pony nodded, smiling a little, and then it was Soda’s turn, coming into the room and dropping onto the bed, a too-full glass of chocolate milk balanced precariously in his hand as he lay back against the pillows.  Pony glanced over at him, his half-written letter still tucked under his textbook.  The envelope containing the letter Sue had written him was still on the desk though, and he fought the urge to hide that too.  He didn’t have to hide stuff from his brothers, he reminded himself firmly.  They knew he had been writing her letters already.  

“Hey.” Pony looked up from his text book, figuring his brother wanted to talk.

“Hey, kiddo.  You just about done with that?”

“Yeah, just about.”  

Soda had asked him the night before if he was really ready to go back to school…if he was feeling okay.  If he needed another day.  He hadn’t gone so far to ask him exactly what he’d talked to the therapist about, and Pony hadn’t quite known how to put into words how he was feeling, but he thought that once he figured it out, he’d be able to do it…he’d be able to try and explain it to Soda.  Because Soda would get it.  Or he’d try to.  He’d listen and he’d try to help, and he wouldn’t buckle under it like Pony had worried he would.  

Now Soda regarded him silently for a moment.  “The rest of the day go okay?”

“Sure.  Two-Bit and Johnny were with me most of the time.  Steve too.”

“What about in class?”

“Everybody left me alone.”  That was mostly true.  Sure, he’d gotten his share of dirty looks as always, and he held out exactly zero hope that they were going to just let this go, but he seemed safe enough for now.  He’d just let the guys stick close for a while and if it came to a rumble, then they’d rumble.  

Well…the guys would.  He had a feeling Darry wouldn’t be letting him in any rumbles for a while.  He couldn’t bring himself to care all that much…it wasn’t like he liked fighting, and he couldn’t help being scared that he’d lose control again.  

“Would you tell me?  If they were bugging you?”

Pony paused at that, then tried for a grin.  He couldn’t blame his brother for asking, not when he’d kept so much from him, but he still hated how much he worried.  “‘Course I would.  Besides, even if I didn’t, you know one of the guys would.”

“Yeah, they would.”  Soda did grin then, taking a drink of his chocolate milk.

“You going out with Alice tonight?” he wondered, hoping to steer the conversation to something a little lighter.

“Nah.  Her parents don’t want her going out on a school night.”

“Yeah?  Sounds like them and Darry would get along just fine,” Pony joked, making his brother chuckle.  “You like her?” he asked, and even though he was asking more than that, Soda nodded, understanding immediately.  

“Yeah.  I like her.”  He hesitated.  “I was gonna ask if she wanted to come over for dinner sometime.  Meet you guys.  I mean, she’s met Steve and Two-Bit…Rita too.  And you kind of met her at the race but…I don’t know.  I want to introduce her to you for real.”  Soda shrugged like it didn’t matter all that much, but Pony knew he did.  “She asked if I’d come over to her place next weekend to have dinner with her and her folks.”

But she’d never get to have dinner with his.  The words were unspoken between them, the air heavy for a second as Soda stared at the wall, then seemed to shake himself out of it, grinning at Ponyboy and taking another drink, leaving a mustache of chocolate milk on his upper lip and making Pony laugh.  

“You haven’t met them yet?” he asked, pushing past the moment neither of them wanted to talk about.

“Just when I picked her up the first time.  They seem pretty cool.”  Soda hesitated for a second and wiped his face.  “What about you?”

“I haven’t met Alice’s parents,” Pony told him, making his brother roll his eyes and smack him, nearly upsetting his chocolate milk.

“Smartass.  I mean, what about you?  Any girls you like?”  Soda reached out with a socked foot, knocking it against Pony’s chair, and he rolled his eyes.

His thoughts immediately went to Sue…to the way she’d looked that Sunday in her dress, and the way she’d always smile at him when he came in for work.  He shook his head though.  It was dumb to even think about that.  “I’ve been kind of busy, Soda.”

“Not too busy to write letters.”  

Pony stiffened a little, but Soda just grinned, and Pony couldn’t help but remember a time when talking to his brother had been the easiest thing in the world.  He also remembered what Doctor Song had said…that sometimes you just had to pretend that things were normal until they were.  

“Come on.  Talk to me.  You like her?”  Soda kicked his chair again, but his eyes were serious.  

“Yeah, she’s great,” Pony told him, trying not to overthink it…trying not to choose his words to give away as little as possible.  This was Soda…his favorite person in the world.  He could trust him.  He could talk to him.  It was fine.  They had always been friends…they’d always been able to talk to each other.  There was no reason it should be this hard, he thought irritably, a wave of frustration washing over him.  

“Darry said she called here…you call her back?”

“Not yet…”  he shrugged.  “Things have been kind of crazy around here…plus it’s long distance, so I ought to use a payphone.”

“Darry don’t care if you call her from here.”  Soda hesitated.  “You ever take her out?” he asked, voice going quiet like he was talking to a half-wild animal he didn’t want to scare off, and Ponyboy hated that his brother felt like that…like he had to be careful when he was talking to him.  

He hated that Soda felt that way and he hated that he was right.

Pony shook his head, not sure how to explain it.  But for Soda…for Soda, he wanted to at least try.  “I…New York was…”  he sighed, grasping for the words.  “Half the time, it felt like it wasn’t even real, you know?  Those first few weeks…I don’t even remember a lot of it.  It was like I was wandering around in a dream.”

“Yeah?” Soda asked, leaning in.

“All I wanted was you and Darry.  I missed you so much.  More than anything.  I couldn’t believe I’d gotten away.  It felt like I ought to be dead too, because Li was.”  He swallowed, teeth clenched together as he tried to keep from crying at just the thought of her.  “I ran into Sue that first day.  I saw that guy bugging her in the alley, and all I could think of was Li…I hadn’t saved her.  But I thought maybe I could save this girl.  So I did…”  He smiled a little.  “She didn’t seem to appreciate it.”

“Really?” His brother tried to smile, but it came out sad.

“Yeah…I hit the guy…told him to leave her alone.  Told her to run.  And she just looked at me like she didn’t have any idea what I was doing.  Then when he came back, she kicked him between the legs and grabbed me…pulled me out of the alley.”  

Soda chuckled.  “She sounds tough.”

“She is.”  Pony nodded.  “The next time I met her was at that church.  She chased after me when I left.  Asked me what I thought I was doing…she thought I was going to cause trouble.  A couple of those guys that came into their store later had come to their church and set off firecrackers.  The fuzz wouldn’t do nothing since it was a Black church.  She thought I was one of them...then she felt bad.  Invited me to come back.  Then she convinced her dad to hire us and we worked together a lot.”  

Pony shrugged, trying to figure out how to explain.  “I mean, I liked her, and I liked talking to her, but first I was sick and then those guys came in the store causing trouble…then…it was like things kept happening and I…I never even thought about asking her to go out.  We didn’t have any money and…and even toward the end, it was like…like I couldn’t think about anything else except going home and…and how scared I was.”  When he managed to meet his brother’s eyes, Soda looked so sad it made his whole chest hurt, but he kept going anyway, trying to explain himself.  Trying to make it make sense.  “I was scared for so long, Soda…in that boy’s home and then that house.  I was scared, and I was by myself…it’s like I forgot how to be anything else.”

Soda nodded, scooting to the edge of the bed and reaching out to grip his shoulder, putting the half empty glass down on the desk.  Pony scooted the chair closer and leaned against him, and soon Soda’s arms were tight around him.  He could hear his brother’s heart beating through his chest, and the sound made him feel better so fast it was almost like magic.  He should have known, he realized suddenly, that Soda could take it.  That Soda was safe to talk to.  

How had he forgotten that?  How had Richard made him feel so alone that he hadn’t even known how to talk to his own brothers?  

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, gripping Soda’s shirt.  “I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you when I came back.  I kept pushing you away and…”

“Honey, you don’t have to apologize,” Soda murmured, shaking his head against Ponyboy’s.  “I get it.”

Of course he did.  Soda always got it.  

“I didn’t want to hurt you,” he tried to explain anyway.  “I…I never wanted to hurt you, Soda.”  

“Hey,” Soda pulled away, a hand on the back of his head, as serious as Pony had ever seen him.  “You talking to me about this stuff…about New York and that house and the boy’s home…about Richard and Lianne…that’s not you hurting me, okay?  I want you to talk to me about it.  And if it hurts, that’s not your fault.  It’s Richard’s fault, and that social worker’s fault, and hell, it’s the State’s fault for taking you away in the first place over you getting attacked by that asshole.  But not yours.  You hear me?”

Pony nodded.  And for the first time, he felt like he actually believed it.

Chapter Text

Bob ended up staying home the rest of the week, leaving Ponyboy and Johnny to deal with nasty looks from Randy and his group, which was just fine with Pony.  Thankfully, all those socs were brave enough to do was glare and occasionally slam their shoulders against theirs in the hallway when Two-Bit and Steve weren’t around, and that wasn’t all that often.  Their friends seemed to be keeping a close eye on them…especially Ponyboy, not that he blamed them.  Not that he planned on fighting again anytime soon, but he guessed it was a good idea for them to stick close just in case.

Two-Bit went with him to track practice once more, sitting in the bleachers and watching him run while flipping through a textbook, then gave him a ride home in his car.  On Friday night, he went with Dal, Johny, and Rita to the movies, the four of them sitting in the front at the drive-in, Rita between him and Johnny.  Dally kept his swearing to a minimum and acted decent the whole time, even buying sodas for everyone and passing them around.  Once more there were no soc girls for him to harass, and Two-Bit didn’t stop by, but Pony still wondered if he’d ever be able to go to the drive-in without thinking about that night.

At the end of the night, Dally drove them home, dropping Rita off at Two-Bit’s first, and then driving Johnny to his house before taking Ponyboy home, despite his insistence that he could walk from Johnny’s since it was only a few blocks away.  

“Shut up, kid.  My luck, you’ll get jumped in your own front yard and your brother will kick my head in for letting you walk by yourself.”

Pony laughed a little, and he glanced over to find Dally grinning, looking surprisingly un-put out by this whole thing.  “You want to come in?” he asked when his friend had parked in front of his house.

“Nah, man.  I got stuff to do tonight. Now get inside before Darry comes looking for you.”  

And he did, stepping into the house exactly thirty minutes before his midnight curfew.  Soda was laying on the sofa, hat pulled over his face, Darry in his recliner, and he paused in the doorway, the night he’d run out the house…the night Darry had hit him, still at the forefront of his mind.  For a minute, it was like the two nights merged into one, and he was back in the past, about to do it all over again, the thought making his heart clench.  But, he reminded himself, he wasn’t late.  It wasn’t like before…he hadn’t fallen asleep in the lot with Johnny.  He was home on time.  And besides, he’d just seen Rita…Rita hadn’t been there before.  

“Hey, kiddo.  How was the movie?” Soda  asked, wiping a hand over his face and sitting up.  

“Uh, it was okay,” Ponyboy  told him, trying to shake himself out of his memories.  “Rita came with us.”

“How’s Rita doing?” Darry asked as Pony dropped onto the sofa beside Soda, shoving his brother off when he went to mess up his hair.

“She’s good.  She’s saving up for an apartment.”

“Yeah, I bet she’s sick of Two-Bit’s couch,” Soda put in with a grin, and Darry climbed to his feet, making Pony realize that must have been waiting up for him.  

“Alright, I’m going to bed.  Don’t stay up too late, you two.  Pony, you’ve got to meet that doctor in the morning.”

They both called out a good night, then watched TV for a little while before going to bed themselves, Pony almost sleeping through the night.

Pony jerked awake around eight though, eyes flashing open as he stared at the wall in front of his face, breathing heavy and trying to remember the nightmare.  A knife…a knife in Richard’s hand and the woods out behind the bar.

And Lianne.

Shaking his head, Ponyboy swallowed hard and gave up trying to remember the whole thing.  He didn’t want to remember.  Didn’t want to think about it.  Instead, he tried to breath slow, reminding himself that he was safe.  He was with Soda, in their house, and Richard was in jail.  Darry had custody.  He was with the guys again…with his family.  No one was going to let him get hurt.  He was safe.  Rita was safe.  His family was safe.

Crawling out from Sodapop’s arm, Pony grinned when his brother grumbled in his sleep, rolling over and taking the blankets with him.  Rubbing his hands over his face, he headed for the bathroom, yawning and pulling his sleeves down to his wrists out of habit.  It wasn’t until he reached the bathroom, stepping in front of the mirror, that he paused, opening his eyes fully and staring at his own reflection for the first time in what felt like months.

He looked better than he had, he knew.  Eating regular meals had helped, and his face was no longer gaunt.  His eyes traced the scar that ran from his temple and down his cheek.  It was slightly raised, paler than the rest of his skin.  He brought a hand up, sliding his finger along the scar and flinching a little when he remembered the bottle coming down on his face…the pain that had made him cry out…the blood pouring down his face and getting in his eye as the other guy had sliced his side open. 

It was pure luck that he’d managed to get out of his jacket…pure luck that the one that had grabbed him had closed his fist around the sleeve of the jacket, not his arm.  If he hadn’t, he wouldn’t just have a scar on his face and one on his side…he’d be dead, just like Lianne.  A cop would have gone to his house and told his brothers that he was dead…that they’d found his body out behind a bar.  

Just the thought made him feel sick.  

Soda appeared in the mirror then, his eyebrows raising, and Pony wondered how he would have reacted.  How would Soda have gotten through something like that?  Or Darry?  Would they have been okay?  

No, he realized…they wouldn’t have been okay.  Of course they wouldn’t.    

Soda’s mouth was open, probably to make a smart remark, when he registered the hand Pony was holding to his face, dropping slowly away from his scar.  His jaw went tight for a second and he stepped beside him, dropping a hand onto his shoulder.  “Hey, kiddo.  You’re up early.  You okay?”

“Your snoring woke me up,” Pony told him, lips twitching into a smile, and Soda punched his arm, rolling his eyes.

“I don’t snore.”  He was quiet for a moment, then he met Pony’s eyes in the mirror.  “Nightmares?”

Pony hesitated, then nodded.  He could tell Soda.  It was okay.  “Yeah…but not too bad.”

He squeezed his shoulder.  “You sure?”

“Yeah…I’m fine.”

Soda nodded, looking at their reflections in the mirror once more.  “It doesn’t hurt anymore, does it?” he asked, jerking his chin towards Pony’s scar.

“Nah.  Not for a long time.”

“That asshole got you good.  It’s a good thing he missed your eye.”

Pony nodded.  “Yeah…got my side though,” he said without thinking, then flinched at his own words, wondering why he’d bring that up.  Soda flinched too, the hand on his shoulder tightening a little.  Then he relaxed, reaching up and tugging on the ends of his blond hair.  Pony grinned, swatting his hand away.

“Knock it off,” he mumbled, making Soda chuckle.

“Your hair’s growing out.”  

He nodded.  “Yeah…”

“When did you bleach it?”

“A couple of days after I got to New York…it’s been almost four months.”  He could see a few inches of his natural color, the reddish brown turning abruptly to the dull blond.  

Soda considered him for a minute, seeming to contemplate something.

“You got plans with Steve later?” Pony asked, ready to let it drop, but his brother shook his head.

“Nope.  Go ahead and get ready.  We need to leave soon.”

Pony jumped in the shower, dressing while Soda took his own shower, and then they were on their way, taking the bus across town like they did every Saturday now.  Pony wondered how long they would have to do this, even as he had to admit that it seemed to be helping…at least a little.  He didn’t dread therapy this time.  He’d talked to his brothers.  He’d done the one thing he’d thought he’d never be able to do.  And it had turned out okay.  

He remembered how he’d been when he’d first come home and knew that he felt better.  Safer.  And part of that, he knew, had to do with Darry getting custody of him again, but talking to Doctor Song had been…not nice, but…good.  It had helped, he had to admit, talking to her about that boy’s home that he never wanted to think about.  And now…now he was sure she would want to talk about Lianne.  

They walked together into the therapist’s office, hurrying up the stairs and taking their usual spots in the waiting room, Soda picking up the same magazine Pony had been reading.  Ponyboy looked over his shoulder, wondering absently if he’d ever be able to afford a tuff car, when Doctor Song opened her door and called him back.

Pony stood and greeted her, then followed her into the room, a plan forming that he didn’t know the feasibility of yet.  He sat on the sofa as usual, and she took her seat as well, her notebook resting open to a blank page on her lap.  

“I’m good.  How are you?”

She smiled like she always did when he asked.  “I’m doing very well, thank you.  I see Sodapop brought you this morning.”

“Yeah…Darry has to work.”

“Do you think Sodapop minded bringing you and waiting for you?”

He shook his head.  “No…he wants to.  He’s gotta be bored though…that same magazine has been in there for two weeks now.”

She laughed.  “I’ll make a note to refresh the magazines.”  

He felt himself relax a little more.  This was okay.  He was fine.  He could do this.  

“So on Monday, you were involved in an altercation with another student.  Have you seen him again?”

Pony shook his head.  “No.  He stayed home the rest of the week.”

“I see.  Have you had any more instances where you were unable to control your actions or where you lost time?”

He shook his head again, dropping his eyes and clasping his hands in his lap.  “No…it’s been fine.”

“I’m glad to hear it.  How is school going?”

“It’s good.  I think my grades are good, so Darry’ll be happy.”  

She nodded, writing in her notebook, but barely broke eye contact.  “You said he’s pretty strict about your grades?”

Immediately he felt bad, mind flashing back for a second to what he’d said to Cherry that night once more.  Darry had been real good about not pushing him too hard, and at the beginning of the year, he’d even told him it was fine if he had to repeat the year.  “He just wants me to do good…get scholarships so I can go to college.”

“Is that what you want too?  To go to college?”

He nodded, even though it wasn’t something he’d been thinking about too much with everything else going on.  But, he realized, he had less than two years left before he had to think about it.  “Yeah.  I do.”  He hesitated.  He didn’t want to talk about college.  Not just yet…not when the memory of the things he’d said to Soda, and how relieved he’d felt afterwards, was front and center in his mind.  But…did he get to decide what they talked about?  

“How have things been with your brothers?” she wondered, still watching him and taking notes.

“Um…yeah, they’re good.  After…um…after we talked, it’s been…better.  Like…not tense anymore.  I…”  He swallowed hard, feeling bad for just saying the words, but needing to get them out.  “I was mad at them,” he admitted, his voice barely a whisper.  “I…I thought maybe they hadn’t wanted me to come home.  Because they didn’t try to find me.”  

She nodded, solemn.  “And you told them?”

“Yeah.  I mean…I asked.  I asked why they didn’t find me.  They said…they were scared that if they came and found me when they weren’t supposed to, the State wouldn’t let me go back to them.  But…they didn’t know…about Richard.  And what he was doing.  If they had…if they’d known that, they would have come.”  He knew that now…knew it for a fact.  Darry and Soda never would have left him somewhere where someone was hurting him.   

Doctor Song nodded.  “So it was a productive talk?”

“Yeah,” he told her, grinning when he remembered how relieved he’d been.  “It…it helped a lot.  I was scared to ask them but…I’m glad I did.”

“Have you found that it made it easier to talk to your brothers about what happened?”

“Yeah…I mean, we haven’t all that much but…yeah.”  

“Is there something in particular that you’d like to talk to them about that you haven’t?”

Pony swallowed hard, looking down at his lap.  “I…before, you wanted me to talk about Lianne.”  

“Yes, I thought talking about your foster sister might help.”

“And…I know on Tuesday we…I mean, I talked about her and…and how Richard…how she died.  But…”

When he was silent for a long moment, she leaned forward, hands clasped over her notebook.  “We talked about her, and about how what happened to her wasn’t your fault.”

He nodded.  

“But I think it could be helpful for you to talk more about her…and what happened in that house.”

He nodded again.  As much as part of him wanted to go back to bottling it all up and hiding it for as long as he could, he couldn’t help remembering how much lighter he’d felt when he’d finally spilled it all to Soda…when he’d finally asked Darry the questions that had been building inside him for months.  So yeah, he thought it would help to talk more about Lianne…and that house too.  

But he had a request first.

“Doctor Song?  Can…um…I don’t know if it’s allowed but…”  He hesitated, but she just waited, her face open and kind as ever.  “Can Soda come in?  When…when I talk about…about Lianne and Richard?”

She regarded him for a moment, then nodded, a slow smile growing on her face.  “Of course he can.  I can ask him to come in now if you’d like?”

Pony nodded, pushing back the voice that told him he was hurting his brother…that he shouldn’t be relying on Soda so much.  That hearing even more about the foster house would just make his brother feel worse.  It wasn’t true.  Soda wanted him to talk about it.  And if he could talk about it to the doctor and Soda at the same time, he could get it over with.  

As soon as his brother stepped into the room, Pony felt himself relax.  His brother had told Pony to let him help carry this.  And Pony was finally going to.  “Hey…do you mind…” he wasn’t sure how to ask, but Soda walked over, the picture of ease, and dropped onto the sofa beside him, nudging him a little and grinning.  

“Of course not.  Heck, I was about to finally give in and just start reading that cooking magazine.”

“Maybe you should…” Pony muttered, grinning a little when Soda barked out a laugh and shoved him.  Doctor Song smiled down at her notebook, writing something, before looking back up at them.  Soda sobered then, throwing an arm over the back of the couch and moving a little closer to him.  

“So.  What are we talking about?” 

Pony half expected him to crack a joke or something, but his brother was completely serious, his arm brushing against Pony’s shoulders.  Close and ready to be there, but letting him sit up on his own.

“I asked Ponyboy if he’d like to talk more about Lianne, and about the things that happened in that foster home.”

Soda nodded slowly, turning to Pony.  “Do you want to?” he asked, a protectiveness in his voice that shouldn’t have surprised him.  Soda’s tone told him and Doctor Song that Pony wouldn’t be talking about anything he didn’t want to, not so long as he had anything to say about it.

“Yeah,” Ponyboy admitted.  “Yeah, I just…I wanted you here too.”  He knew it wasn’t tough, needing your big brother there when all he was doing was talking, but Soda just squeezed his shoulders before putting his arm back on the sofa, his expression soft but still serious.  

“Sure thing, kiddo.”  

And for the next forty minutes or so, he talked.  Doctor Song asked him about Richard, and about that house, and finally, about Lianne.  She asked about Mark and Tyler, and he admitted that he was as angry with them as he was with Richard’s wife…all of them had just sat and watched and hadn’t even tried to stop it, but that it was harder to be angry with them because they’d given him lunch money sometimes.  He told them about Lianne and walking to school together, and how it had felt like he finally wasn’t alone anymore.  

He talked about being hungry in a way he’d never been before, and how scared he’d been, and even how he’d slept behind that bar a couple of times, regretting every fight he’d ever had with Darry, because Darry had never hated him.  It was made all the more obvious the more time he spent in that house.  Darry had loved him and he’d wanted him to be safe and sure, he’d been stressed out and worried most of the time after their parents, but glory, he’d never beat him or driven him out of the house or hurt him. 

All the while, Soda sat beside him, struggling to keep his composure, but he didn’t break under it like Pony had feared.  Just like when Pony had first talked to him after his fight with Bob, Soda was strong.  By the end of the hour, his arm was wrapped around Pony’s shoulders, Pony’s head tucked under his chin, his other hand gripping Ponyboy’s arm in a tight hug.  It hurt, Pony thought dully when he was finally done talking, too drained to bring a hand up to wipe his face.  Talking about it still hurt so bad he could hardly stand it.  But with Soda there, it was like, at least he wasn’t hurting alone. 

“Would you like me to give you a moment?” Doctor Song asked, her voice soft, and Pony nodded, but it was Soda who spoke up.  

“Yeah, thanks,” he told her seriously, sounding older…like Darry.

And when she was gone, Soda tightened his arms around him, his face hidden in Pony’s hair.

“You’re a tough kid, you know that, right?” he asked after a moment, resting the side of his face on Pony’s head.

Pony had to laugh, incredulous.  “I ain’t tough.”

“Yeah you are,” Soda told him, no trace of amusement in his voice.  “You lived through stuff I never could.”

“You could have,” Pony told him softly.  “I…I knew that you…you and Darry…you’d never have let Richard hurt Rita and Lianne without doing something about it.”  He finally brought a hand up, wiping his face of the tears that had escaped.  

“We sure are proud of you, you know?  I hate that you had to go through that Pony.  I hate it more than anything.  But I’m so proud of you for helping those girls.  For standing up to that asshole.”  He ruffled Pony’s hair, making him smile, ears getting hot as he dropped his eyes.  

Soda was proud of him, and that was just about the best feeling in the whole world.  

Sodapop kept his hand on Pony’s hair, looking at him like he had that morning.  “You ready to get out of here?”

Pony nodded.  

“Hey kiddo?”

“Yeah?” he asked, wiping his face again, glad he’d finally managed to stop crying and feeling light again, like things were going to be okay.  Like he really was going to get through this.  After months of being scared, it was such a relief he could hardly believe it.  

“What do you say we get rid of the blond?”  

Pony grinned, nodding and feeling another wave of relief over something he hadn’t even realized was bothering him.  “That sounds great.”

And it was.  

The two of them headed to the barber shop they’d been going to since they were little kids, their mom taking them every few months until they’d been old enough to let their hair grow out and grease it.  They rarely got haircuts now, and Pony hadn’t had one since…well, since he’d been in that foster home.  They’d made all the boys get haircuts, Tammy telling them she wasn’t about to have a bunch of hoods in her house, so when Pony had run away in May, his hair had been shorter than usual.  Now it curled around his ears and went past the nape of his neck.

The guy doing his hair was quiet as he washed the grease out, then began cutting with the only instruction being, get rid of all the blond. Pony was glad he didn't want to talk…glad to watch his bleached hair fall to the ground. He'd hated it from the start, but it had served its purpose...had kept him hidden in New York, ensuring that he wouldn't get caught...that he wouldn't have to go back to that house.  He watched it fall to the ground, feeling lighter with every strand gone, as the sounds of the barber shop filled his ears...soft chatting from the chairs where Soda sat and the constant 'snip' of scissors.  The scrape of razors against skin and the soft swish of the apron around his neck whenever he moved.  

And then it was all gone.

When the barber was done, Ponyboy couldn’t help his smile.  Even though his hair hadn't been this short since he was a little kid, he felt like himself again.  

“Look at you…you look almost respectable,” Soda teased as he came up behind him once the barber had removed the apron, resting a hand on his shoulder and grinning at him in the mirror.  Pony couldn’t see the relief in his eyes though, and he realized his brother must have hated the blond and all that it stood for just as much as he had.  “Better?” he asked, voice soft, and Ponyboy nodded.

“Yeah.  Much better.”

Chapter Text

Sodapop grinned over at his little brother, feeling lighter than he had in months. Pony looked different without the blond in his hair…like himself. He hadn't looked like himself since they'd taken him away, and sometimes it felt like that was the last time he'd seen his little brother. For months, even after he'd come back home, it was like it wasn't his brother that had come home…it was some stranger. Some guy that Sodapop didn't know or even like half the time.

But today, Ponyboy had asked him to come into that doctor's office while he'd talked…really talked. He'd told them about Richard, and every single word had made Soda angrier and angrier, but he'd managed to sit there and hold his brother and listen. He didn't dare show how mad he was…how much he hated Richard Norton and how badly he wanted to hunt him down and kill him. Because he was scared that if he let on how bad it hurt to hear what his little brother had gone through, that Pony would clam back up.

Every once in a while, while he'd been talking, his little brother had glanced at him, like he was checking to make sure it was okay…to make sure it was alright to keep talking. And apparently Soda had passed every time, because Pony had kept talking until the end of the session, head resting on Soda's shoulder, leaning on him just like he had before all this…before living in that house had changed him.

Pony was different in a lot of ways. He was taller, for one thing, almost as tall as Darry and eye to eye with Soda now. He was a year older too, with a scar on his face and scars going up and down his arms. There was one on his side too…the one on his face was the only one Soda ever saw though. He kept the others covered up just about all the time, although he was going to track practice, so Soda had to assume that wore the tank top uniform and left his arms uncovered then. And he was proud of him for that.

Besides the way he looked, Pony was quieter. Tougher...and although Soda had always wanted Pony to be able to defend himself, he'd never wanted his little brother to turn mean like so many hoods did.

Pony wasn't like that. He never had been.

But he could be. He knew now that his brother had it in him to be mean. That's what Richard had done to him.  Pony had distanced himself from Soda and Darry, keeping a wall up between them, all because of that asshole. Now, though…now the wall had crumbled, and Pony was like his little brother again. Getting rid of the blond hair had just been conformation of that. And sure, Pony's hair was so short that he kind of looked like a soc, but the kid looked about a hundred pounds lighter.

Pony glanced over and caught him grinning, rolling his eyes and nudging him with his elbow. "Quit," he ordered, making Soda laugh.

"What?"

"I know it's too short."

"No it's not. Besides, it'll grow back."

Pony nodded, and Soda was glad to see that he was still grinning. For the first time in a long time, it felt like things were finally going to be okay.

They ate lunch at the same diner they'd been going to for weeks now, Soda asking him about school and Pony actually telling him. He told him about the socs and how they were keeping their distances, but that they were shooting him nasty looks and word around the school was that Bob and his buddies wanted revenge. Soda was pretty sure Steve and Two-Bit would make sure nothing happened to him, since Two-Bit in particular seemed to be keeping a real close eye on him, and Steve was getting along better with his little brother better than ever.

Soda had brought that up the day before at work, the two of them standing around during a lull in the late afternoon. "You and Pony don't fight much anymore," he'd observed, leaning against the front counter and keeping an eye on the door.

Steve had shot him a look. "Yeah? So?"

"Nothing. Just…" he'd shrugged. "I'm glad."

He hadn't ever wanted to say anything…he'd figured those two would work their problems out on their own, or not. He couldn't make them get along, and unlike with Pony and Darry, he hadn't interfered too often unless Steve was out of line…no one messed with his kid brother, not even his best friend. But just like with Pony and Darry, he'd always felt stuck in the middle, like they were playing tug of war with him. As he'd gotten older, Pony hadn't pushed it too much when Soda had told him he couldn't come somewhere, but he hated to disappoint him.

He couldn't help thinking about that day he'd gotten jumped…when Pony had asked if he could come along with him and Steve to that game, and every time he'd thought back on that day, Soda had regretted saying no. Sure, he'd thought, they were taking girls, but Pony could have come too. He could have hung out by himself, or even brought Johnny along. And then…

Then they wouldn't have been at the movies with Dally.

They never would have gotten mixed up with those soc girls…and Pony wouldn't have come home late.

Bob Sheldon never would have attacked them.

The State never would have taken him away.

And he wouldn't have come back a different person a year later.

But he also never would have met Sue. And Johnny might never have gotten out from under the thumb of his parents. And Two-Bit never would have met Rita. Hell, Pony never would have met her…or Lianne. He never would have tried to protect them.

So…was it worth it?

Soda dismissed that thought. He didn't want to think about that. What had happened had happened. And now his brother was back. He was home and he finally seemed to be okay again, sitting in the booth across from him and eating fries dipped in his chocolate milkshake. He was eating better, for sure. At first, he and Darry had been real worried about that. That had been Darry's main concern. They had to wait for him to come to them to talk about the stuff that had happened, but Darry had insisted they had to try and get him to eat. He'd come back from New York looking half starved, and when Soda had thrown an arm around him at night, he'd felt his ribs poking out of his skin.

Now he looked a little better. His clothes actually fit and didn't hang off of him. He was running track too, and Soda had a feeling that Two-Bit had something to do with him eating regular meals, but whatever had happened there, he'd take it. Anything to get Pony healthy again.

They headed home after they ate lunch, and this time, Pony didn't ask if he had plans with Steve or try to get him to go out somewhere. The air was finally clear between them, and Soda couldn't stop feeling grateful. Instead, they did a load of laundry and Soda cleaned up in the living room while Pony made their bed, neither one of them wanting to get caught by the State with a messy house. It was never said that their house had to be perfectly clean when the social worker came to check on them, but with everything that had happened, sometimes Darry's guardianship over them felt kind of fragile.

The phone rang while Pony was in the middle of moving the clothes from the washer to the dryer, so Sodapop grabbed it, dropping into Darry's recliner to answer. "Hello?"

"Hi. Is Ponyboy there?"

That made him sit up in surprise. It was a girl's voice…one he'd never heard before. "Uh, yeah. Who is this?"

"This is Sue Williams."

Immediately he was grinning, feeling a thrill of excitement as he gripped the phone. So this was Sue! This was the girl his little brother liked! It was such a normal thing, and they'd been so short on normal for so long, that he wanted to laugh. "Hi, Sue. This is Sodapop, Pony's brother."

"Oh, he told me about you," she told him, and he could hear a smile in her voice.

"Don't believe a word he says," Soda joked, and she laughed aloud. Pony poked his head into the living room, curious, and Soda went on. "Here he is. Nice to meet you, Sue."

He grinned at the way Pony's eyes widened, his hand already reaching out for the phone.

"You too, Soda."

Soda handed the receiver over, crossing his arms and watching his little brother smile.

"Hey, Sue," he greeted, immediately sounding different…different than he'd ever sounded talking to a girl. Soda wondered how that could ever work. She lived in New York. Pony lived in Tulsa. And if Soda had anything to say about it, his little brother would stay in Tulsa for a long time. Hell, maybe forever. He couldn't stand the thought of losing him again. But when Ponyboy apologized for not calling her back and explaining that things had been kind of crazy lately, Soda could hear it in his voice.

This girl was important to him.

Soda stood, ruffling Pony's hair and grinning when his brother shot him a look and batted him away. Then, hands in his pockets, he went into their bedroom, shutting the door behind him and letting Pony have some privacy to talk to her.

Normal, he thought with a grin as he dropped onto the bed, grabbing a magazine and flipping through it. This was normal. And he'd never been so happy to have it.

Pony didn't talk on the phone for too long, and when he finally came into the bedroom, he stopped short, like he was surprised to find Soda there.

"How's Sue?" Soda wondered, grinning up at him, and Pony hesitated before shrugging.

"She's good. Wasn't mad that I hadn't called her back."

"You tell her about things here?"

"Some…" Pony sat on the bed beside him and Soda tossed the magazine to the floor. "We couldn't talk too long…it's long distance."

"You can call her from here," Soda reminded him. "Darry won't mind as long as you don't do it too often."

Pony was quiet and Soda looked at him for a moment. Waiting. He always knew when Pony wanted to talk about something…and sometimes he just had to wait. So he did, closing his eyes and forcing himself to be still. And finally, after about a minute, Ponyboy spoke. "It couldn't work."

Sodapop hated how resigned he sounded, and he glanced over, frowning. "What couldn't?"

"Even…even if I knew…" Pony shrugged, dropping onto his pillow and staring at the ceiling. "She lives in New York," he murmured, and Soda looked over at him, heart dropping at the sadness in his eyes.

"So? You can talk on the phone and write letters. And you know I still want to visit New York…see where you worked. Meet her for real." He shook his head when Pony just shrugged. "Come on…you aren't gonna give up already? Glory kid, you haven't even taken her out yet."

Pony smiled a little when Soda shook him by the shoulder. "She lives in New York," he said again.

"I know," Soda told him, giving in and throwing an arm around him, squeezing him in a hug. "I'm sorry, kiddo." And he was. He'd give anything to make it so that this could work for his little brother…he wished that just this once, things could be easy. But he couldn't move her to Tulsa and he certainly wasn't sending Pony to New York. "Hey, you can still write her. And call her on the phone. And who knows, maybe she'll come down here for college."

"Or I could go to New York for college," Pony suggested, his voice teasing, but Soda shook his head, tightening the arm around him.

"Don't even joke, Pone. You'll be lucky if Darry and I ever let you leave the neighborhood again."

His little brother chuckled, leaning his head against Soda's. "Yeah…I guess I'll stick around for a while."

"You bet you will. The next time you leave, I'm going with you, you hear?"

A whole year…he'd missed a whole year of Ponyboy's life. But he wouldn't miss any more….not if he could help it.

That evening Soda made dinner, Pony sitting on the couch and reading a novel while the radio blared in the background. Soda didn't know how Pony could focus on a book for as long as he did anyway, much less with the radio playing so loud, but his kid brother managed it somehow. He was about to warn him to turn it down before Darry got home when their big brother walked through the door, wincing at the noise.

"Pony, how many times do I have to tell you? The neighbors are gonna call the cops if we don't…" Soda saw the exact second Darry saw him, his eyes going wide as he stopped short, blinking a few times at Pony who jumped up, turning down the radio, apparently having forgotten the haircut.

"Sorry," he muttered, obviously bracing himself, and for a second, Darry went quiet. Soda knew they were all remembering how it used to be…how the yelling would lead to more yelling, and those two avoiding each other for hours or even days, Soda trying all the while to make peace.

But then Darry nodded, looking sorry for a second. "Just try not to bust the windows out, huh, little buddy? Or I'll make you replace them," he warned, walking by and rufling Pony's hair. "Looks good," he told him, keeping his hand on his hair for a second, and Pony seemed to remember all of a sudden.

"Oh…yeah?"

"Sure." Darry patted his back, the two of them quiet for a moment, and Soda couldn't help grinning. Things were better. Darry was really trying, and Pony too, and maybe things were gonna be okay.

"It's spaghetti for dinner," he called over his shoulder as he headed back into the kitchen.

"Ask him what color the spaghetti is," Soda heard Pony mutter, and Darry chuckled.

"Wouldn't you like to know!" Soda called, smiling as he added blue and yellow food coloring to the pasta water. There was nothing he could do about the red sauce, and he'd failed to color the meatballs pink like he'd been hoping, but green spaghetti would do just fine.

It was just the three of them for dinner, and when Soda left afterwards to meet Steve and their girls, he didn't feel bad leaving Pony and Darry alone. They were fine…hell, they seemed to be getting along really well ever since Pony had gotten back. Pony listened and Darry didn't yell and Soda hated that this was the thing that had finally brought them together, but…well, he was glad they got along now, and that he didn't have to play middleman anymore.

Before, he'd have felt bad about not inviting Pony, and he would have tried to drop hints to Darry to lay off him, or he would have suggested Pony go somewhere with Johnny or something to get him out of the house. Now he just waved and told them he'd be back later. Pony waved from where he was doing the dishes, and Darry told him to be careful as he ran a rag over the counter tops. They'd all been keeping the house extra clean lately, knowing that the State could drop in at any point.

He got home late that night, sneaking past Darry who had fallen asleep in the recliner, then crawled into bed beside Pony who didn't even stir, and he didn't wake up until Darry shook him, making him mumble irritably into his pillow.

"Dar, it's Sunday," he moaned, throwing an elbow back to knock his hand away.

Beside him, Pony muttered something he couldn't hear, pulling the blanket over his face as he rolled over. "Hush, Soda," he grumbled.

"It's not me, it's Darry."

"Will you two get up?" Darry hissed. "The social worker is here."

They both stiffened, and in unison, they scrambled upright, staring at Darry who was looking around their bedroom that was, thankfully, clean.

"Get dressed," he ordered, patting Soda on the shoulder. Then to Pony, "It's just a routine visit. Don't worry, okay?"

Pony nodded, but Soda wasn't fooled even as Darry left them to get ready.

"They come check on us all the time," Soda reminded him, knocking his shoulder against Pony's before jumping out of bed and yanking their closet open. When he glanced back, though, Pony was still sitting on the bed, staring down at the covers. "Come on, kiddo. Up and at em." He reached over, shaking his shoulder a little, but when Ponyboy looked up at him, there was real fear in his eyes, and Soda felt his heart drop. "Pone?"

"Yeah," Pony muttered, nodding and throwing his legs over the side of the bed, obviously struggling to pull himself together. "Sorry. I'm coming."

Soda moved over to sit beside him before he could get up, putting a hand on his shaking shoulder. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I gotta…"

"Pony. Talk to me," Soda urged, hoping he wasn't pushing it…hoping that Ponyboy wouldn't pick now to freak out on him again. He kept glancing at the window like he might jump out of it and Soda doubted he could catch him if he made a run for it.  Not to mention, that would be kinda hard to explain to a social worker.

Thankfully, Ponyboy just hesitated for a second before sighing and giving in. "I just…don't want them to take me again," he whispered, still not meeting Soda's eyes as he forced the words out.

"Hey, they aren't," Soda whispered, leaning in. "Honey, you aren't going anywhere. It's just a routine check. They said they'd be coming every month or so, right?" Pony nodded. "Okay. That's all it is. And listen, if you did have to go, me and you, we'd sneak out that window. Go back to New York and hide out. Hell, I'll bet Mr. WIlliams would hire you back, right?"

That coaxed a shaky smile out of him and he nodded, staring down at his hands clutched in his lap. "Yeah, probably."

It hit Soda then that he wasn't kidding...that he wasn't just trying to make his little brother feel better.  If that social worker told him that they were taking Pony again, he'd run away with him.  He'd leave it all behind...his job and Alice, who he was liking more and more, and even Darry, because he'd be damned if Ponyboy was going to have to go through something like that without him again.

But it wasn't going to happen, he reminded himself like he'd reminded Pony.  It was just a routine visit.  

"What about me? Think he'd hire me too?"

"Yeah, I bet he would."

Soda threw an arm around him and squeezed his shoulders, holding him real tight for a minute.  Pony was okay.  They'd be fine. They'd done this plenty of times.  "Alright, kiddo, get ready. Darry's gonna kill us if we don't hurry."

And, still looking pale and shaky, but a little less so, Pony got up.

Chapter Text

Ponyboy fought to keep the smile on his face as he reached out and shook the social worker’s hand.  Maura Rhodes, he reminded himself…that was her name.  Beside him, Sodapop was grinning and trying to look like he wasn’t worried, and Darry was keeping a close eye on Pony.  He had a feeling that Darry knew how nervous he was…the last time a social worker had showed up to their house, it had been to take Ponyboy away…to take him to that boy’s home which had led to him being taken to that house, and for some reason, the only thing Pony could feel at the moment was dread.  A cold, chest-tightening dread that made him want to run.  He wasn’t sure where exactly he’d run to, and he kept trying to remind himself that running most certainly wouldn’t make any of this better.  But, he couldn’t help thinking as Darry walked the social worker around the house, if she decided to take him, there was nothing Darry or Soda could do.  

Not really.  

They were all at the mercy of these people.  

So he would run.

He knew what she was doing here.  They would walk around the house to make sure the conditions were still considered safe and fit for two teenagers to live there.  They both had their own rooms, technically, and their own beds.  They had places to store clothes and personal belongings.  They had enough food and access to water and shelter and all those things the State required kids to have, even though he hadn’t had half of those things at Richard’s house.

He’d slept on the floor of Rita’s room, and a few times, he’d curled up in a ball outside in the woods behind that bar, too cold to sleep but too afraid to go back to that house.  He’d eaten scraps of food from the trash most nights, living mainly on bread and water when Richard’s wife had bothered setting plates out for them after she and her husband had eaten dinner.  

A few times the guy at the bar had given him a soda, and once or twice, actual food.  And it had been so long since an adult had been kind to him that he’d almost started crying at the sight of a sandwich.  

“Pony?” 

It took him a second to come back…to remember that he was in his living room, and that it was Soda beside him, shaking his shoulder and whispering to him.  

“You with me, kiddo?”

He forced a nod, then hesitated.  He didn’t want to lie to his brother.  He didn’t want to make up excuses to keep him from worrying.  It hadn’t worked anyway, and he’d told himself that he would talk to his brothers..

“I don’t want to go back,” he whispered, eyes not quite focusing on Soda, hands shaking.

His brother was quiet for a second, but then he put a hand on his shoulder, guiding him.  “Come on,” he urged, and Pony followed dumbly, eyes struggling to focus as Soda led him out to the back porch.  But as soon as he was outside, the cold morning air making him shiver, it was like he was back in the present.  He could breathe again.  “You good?” Soda asked, his hand still on his shoulder.  

“Yeah…yeah, I’m good,” he muttered, running a shaky hand over his face.  “Sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry.  She isn’t going to take you,” he told him again, not seeming to care that he had to repeat himself so soon.  “We didn’t do anything wrong.  Nothing’s happened.  We aren’t in trouble.”

He nodded.

“It’s not like last time.”

“I know.”  And he did…he knew that.  He knew that this was just a routine visit and he had no reason to freak out.  So why was he?

“And even if it was, I meant what I said.  I’m not letting you go anywhere without me, kid.  Not again.”  Soda was grinning, but Pony could tell he wasn’t kidding around.  He’d really do it.  

“Bus tickets to New York are expensive,” Pony told him softly, smiling.  

“So?  I’ve got money saved up.  And I know you have a little money left over from New York too.  So we would tell them that I’m helping you pack.  Then we sneak out the window, run to the bus stop, and buy tickets to New York.”

“You don’t think they’d check the bus stops?” he asked with a grin.

Soda pointed a finger at him.  “Smart…new plan.  We pack, we sneak out the window, we hide out at Two-Bit’s until dark, and then we buy bus tickets.”

“What about Darry?”

At that, the smile on Soda’s face dimmed a little.  So he’d thought about this, Pony realized.  “We’d call him from a payphone.  He’d understand.”  

Pony didn’t ask what he’d do about school or Alice or any of that…it wasn’t real.  They weren’t going to take him.  He hadn’t done anything wrong.  But if they did…

If they did, Soda would take care of him.  

He wouldn’t be alone again.

And it was like a heavy weight lifted from his chest…like his lungs could inflate all the way and he could breathe.  Soda would take care of him.  He wouldn’t be alone again, no matter what.

The screen door opened behind them, Darry poking his head out and looking between them in confusion.  “What are you doing?” he asked softly, the social worker barely visible in their kitchen behind him.  His eyes finally landed on Pony, narrowed in ever-present worry.  “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Pony told him, not wanting Soda to bring up the fact that he’d been freaking out just a few seconds ago.  Not in front of the social worker, anyway.  Soda and Darry would probably talk about it later.  He had a feeling they talked about all this stuff when he wasn’t around.  But for now, he really needed to seem normal.  The last thing he wanted to do was give the social worker any reason to take him…or even ask more questions than usual.  

Darry nodded, looking suspicious, but Pony knew he wouldn’t ask any questions in front of the social worker…he didn’t want her to stick around any more than Pony and Soda did.  He put up a good front, but Pony knew that the social workers made Darry nervous too.  He opened the door all the way and ushered them inside, patting Ponyboy on his shoulder as he passed.  

Mrs. Rhodes smiled at them as though standing out on the porch when it was freezing out was totally normal.  “Ponyboy, I’d like to speak to you if you don’t mind.”

Of course he minded, but he wasn’t about to say that, so Pony just nodded, following her into the living room while his brothers stayed in the kitchen.  He waited for her to take a seat on the sofa, then sat on Darry’s recliner, perching on the edge of it and trying to look like he didn’t want to run out the door and keep running.  The news was playing on the TV, just loud enough that his brothers in the other room might have a hard time hearing them.

“So you’ve been back in your brother’s custody for several weeks now.  How has that been going?”

“It’s been really good.”

“And school?  You’re a junior in high school, and you’re on the track team?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“How is school going?”

“It’s good.”  He felt stupid saying that again, but he didn’t know what else to say.  It was taking all of his effort to keep his hands clenched in his lap so they wouldn’t shake.  The fear that had been a constant when he’d first come back home seemed to have a hold of him again, and he felt like he was on the verge of freaking out…of shoving their front door open and making a run for it.  

“Your grades definitely reflect that.  You’re near the top of your class in almost every subject.”  Mrs. Rhodes paused, looking at him closely like she was trying to puzzle something out.  “Ponyboy, considering how well things seem to be going, I plan on going to the judge and recommending we change these to yearly check-ins pretty soon.  But first I want to ask, do you wish to remain in your brother Darrel’s custody?”  She wasn’t like the other social worker…not like the woman who had put him with the man she’d been sleeping with.  He had a feeling that if he told her his brother was hurting him, she’d do everything she could to keep him safe.  It didn’t make him any less anxious, but it did make him soften towards her a little.

“Yes, ma’am.”  He forced himself to sound normal…not to beg.  Not to start crying at just the thought of being taken away again, or even at the relief he would feel if they only had to do this once a year until he was 18.  

She asked a few more questions, all of which were standard.  Was he ever afraid of his brothers?  Did he have enough food and a place to sleep?  Reliable transportation to school?  Did Darry ever hurt him? The same questions a social worker had been asking him ever since his parents had died.  In Richard’s house he’d answered all of them the same way he was answering now, only this time, he was telling the truth.  

Pony sat at the kitchen table while she talked to Soda, dropping tiredly into a chair across from Darry who was looking at him a little too closely.  They were quiet for a moment, listening to the murmur of voices from the other room and the sound of the news playing on the TV, then Darry leaned in.  “What do you want for breakfast?” he asked, like this was any normal Sunday morning, but Pony shrugged, the thought of eating making his stomach twist uncomfortably. 

“Not hungry.”

Darry gave him a look telling him he wasn’t about to accept that.  “Eggs or cereal?”  

Pony closed his eyes, straining to hear Soda and the social worker who were talking too quietly for him to really make out any of their conversation.  “Neither.”

“Ponyboy…”  Darry’s voice went hard like he was ready to fight, and Pony tensed. He knew how this went, his whole body going stiff as he got ready for it.  Darry would yell and their months long peace would finally be broken.  His brother wouldn’t listen.  He’d have to avoid the house and…and his mind went immediately to that bar, but he shook that off.  He wouldn’t have to hide out behind that bar, he reminded himself a little incredulously, wondering why his thoughts had gone there.  His brother wasn’t Richard.  Darry wouldn’t hurt him.  And even if they fought, he told himself, hands shaking in his lap while he struggled to breathe normally to try and keep his heart from racing, it would be okay.  Darry didn’t hate him.  They got along good now…he didn’t have to be afraid.

Darry didn’t yell, though.  He just sat there, not saying anything else for a minute, and when Pony glanced up at him, he was staring hard at the table, palms flat against the wood.  He wondered if his brother had seen the flash of fear…the memory of where their fighting had led before.  

When he finally spoke, his words came out slow, like he was choosing them real careful. “You can’t skip meals, okay?  You’ve got to eat something.  I don’t want you getting sick,” he finally told him, voice softer, his eyes gentle when they came up to meet Pony’s, and he wasn’t angry.  He was worried and he loved him and he was scared that something would happen to Pony that he couldn’t protect him from.

He reminded Pony of their dad then, with his kind eyes and a gentleness that had always seemed to come so easily to the older man, but that Darry was still struggling to figure out, and that thought hit him like a sucker punch.

He missed his mom and dad.  He missed them so much his chest hurt.  If they hadn’t died, none of this would have happened.  Pony wouldn’t be so scared and Darry would be in college and Soda would probably graduate from high school.  And he’d never have met Richard or any social workers…

But he wouldn’t have met Lianne either.  Or Rita.  Or Sue.

“Mr. Curtis, can I have a word?”  Mrs. Rhodes’ voice pulled him out of his thoughts, and they both looked up to find her standing in the kitchen doorway.  Darry hesitated, looking at Pony like he wanted to say something else.  But none of them could tell the social worker no, so he stood, smiling at her.

“Of course.”  

Darry muttered something to Soda as they passed one another, then Darry followed the lady into the living room.  Pony was about to ask Soda what they’d talked about, even though he figured they’d talked about the same stuff he had, when his brother pulled the cake out of the fridge and began cutting slices.  

“I’m not hungry,” he told him, but Soda placed a plate in front of him anyway.

“Don’t care.  Eat.”

Pony shot him a look, but Soda just grinned, sitting down in the chair beside him.  

“Come on, kiddo.  You know you’ve got to eat.  Besides, you love chocolate cake.”  Soda nudged him with his shoulder and took a huge bite of cake.  

“What did she ask?”

“Same stuff as always.  Eat.”

Pony thought about arguing, but Soda was good at arguing, and he almost always won, so Pony just took a bite, ignoring the fact that it tasted like ash in his mouth.  He took another one when Soda kicked him in the shin, kicking him back in the process a little harder and making Soda laugh through a mouthful of chocolate.  “Won’t the social worker care that we’re eating cake for breakfast?” he asked, keeping his voice down.

“It’s Sunday.  Besides, there ain’t a rule against it,” he shrugged.

The social worker reappeared in the kitchen doorway a few minutes later, letting them know that she’d see them next time and wishing them a good day, then disappearing without saying anything about the cake.  The door shut softly behind her, and Darry stepped into the kitchen, looking at the two of them with vague disapproval.  

“You told me to make him eat,” Soda told him simply, stuffing another bite of cake into his mouth.  

“What did she say?” Pony asked, ignoring Sodapop and the chocolate crumbs clinging to his face.  

“Same as always, Pone.  We’re fine.”  He started to cut himself a slice of cake, glancing back at them.  “We’ve got to keep our heads down and stay out of trouble.  You get me, little buddy?”

“I’m not going to get in any trouble,” Pony told him, a little offended.  He’d been keeping his head down ever since he’d gotten back!

“I wasn’t talking to you,” Darry told him with a grin, ruffling his now short hair as he passed, then smacking Soda on the head.  

“Hey!  I’ve been good!”  Soda protested, spraying crumbs onto the table, and Darry wrinkled his nose in disgust, sitting down with them at the table.  He liked chocolate cake just as much as they did, even if he rarely had it for breakfast.  

“Yeah.  Well keep it up.”  He looked at Pony as he sat at the table beside them.  “We’re not in trouble.  It was just a routine visit.”  

Pony nodded.  He was serious…Darry wouldn’t lie about that.  He’d always told Soda and Pony the truth about anything to do with the social workers so they’d understand what was going on.

“Now eat.”

Ponyboy was doing the dishes a little while later, his sleeves pulled up to his elbows, when their front door was thrown open once more, the screen slamming against the wall, and he couldn’t help his flinch, heart pounding too loud in his chest.  Beside him where he’d been wiping down the countertop, Darry opened his mouth, probably to yell, but Two-Bit called out before he could.  

“Sorry!  I forgot!”  

Pony and Soda grinned at each other when Darry huffed out a sigh, rolling his eyes and tossing the dish towel onto the counter.

“One day you’re going to break that door, Two-Bit,” he snapped. 

“Now would I do a thing like that?” Two asked, coming into the kitchen as Pony pulled his sleeves back down to his wrists.  “You got any leftover cake in…hey!” he cried, face lighting up as he lunged for Pony who tried and failed to duck behind Soda who laughed and pushed Two-Bit out of the way as he headed for the bathroom, probably to take a shower.  “Look at baldy!”  

Pony threw an elbow back when Two-Bit got an arm around his neck, digging his knuckles into his head, but he couldn’t make contact.  The two of them went down to the floor, Pony struggling to get out of his grip.  “Will you knock it off?” he grunted, laughing despite himself.  

“Where’d all your hair go, huh?  You turning into a soc?”

Soda laughed from the other room, and Pony heard the bathroom door shut, the shower turning on as he struggled to free himself.  “Quit, Two-Bit.”  

He didn’t know what happened.  One second he was laughing, wrestling with Two-Bit like everything was normal.  He didn’t even know what caused it…maybe one of Two-Bit’s mock punches hit a little too hard.  Maybe it was being on the ground…he’d spent so much time on the ground in that house, waiting for another blow to land.  Or maybe his brain was still stuck on thoughts of social workers and boy’s homes and the fear that he’d have to go back, no matter how irrational it was.

His breath caught and he closed his eyes.  He wasn’t in that house, he tried to remind himself.  He wasn’t with Richard.  Richard was in jail.  This was Two-Bit.  Keith Matthews.  He’d known Two-Bit for most of his life.  There was nothing to be scared of…no reason for his heart to start pounding in his chest so loud he was sure the others could hear it.  But none of that mattered because it was like he was in Rita’s room again, the floor cold through his shirt and if he couldn’t get away…if he couldn’t get up, Richard was going to hurt her!  

“Stop.”  Darry’s booming voice brought him abruptly back just as Two Bit was being pulled off him, and he looked up just in time to watch Darry give their friend a little shove, pointing a finger as he moved between him and Ponyboy still on the floor.  “Lay off him, Two-Bit.”  

Darry didn’t just sound mad, though…he sounded scared.

The whole world came  back into focus then and he blinked at the familiar linoleum floor and the cabinets he’d seen almost every day for his entire childhood.  His chest ached as he gasped for air, suddenly able to breathe again.  Had he not been breathing?  He could hear the shower running and his own gasping breaths and his heart pounding in his his ears.  His hands shook where they were holding him up and his eyes were wet, tears ready to fall at any moment.

And Darry was holding a hand out, hesitating for a second before gripping his arm to help him to his feet.  Pony stood, letting himself be pulled, forcing himself to meet his brother’s eyes which were dark with concern.

“You okay?”  He was fighting to sound normal…like this was anywhere in the ballpark of normal.  Like playing around with the guys had ever made his lungs stop working and his brain shut down before.

Pony nodded, fighting the urge to apologize.  He barely knew what had just happened, much less if he needed to be sorry for it.  He didn’t look directly at Two-Bit but he could feel him staring…could feel his worry along with Darry’s.  “Yeah…yeah, I’m fine,” he muttered, nodding as if that would make Darry any more inclined to believe him.

He’d thought, after talking to Soda about everything, and then Doctor Song, that stuff like this would stop happening!  So why was he still spacing out?  Why did he keep remembering things from that house like they were still happening?  Would this keep happening?  And the stuff with Bob…would that happen again? 

What if he’d hurt Two-Bit?  And what if Darry had tried to stop him?

What if he’d hurt his brother?

The silence in the room was almost deafening, and it took every bit of courage he had for Pony to look over at Two-Bit who was standing in the corner of the kitchen, looking sick.  

“You alright, kid?” he asked, and for once, it wasn’t Pony struggling to meet someone’s eyes.  

He nodded.  “Yeah…I…I don’t…sorry,” he trailed off lamely.  He didn’t know what to say…how to explain what had happened without sounding crazy.

Darry nodded and took a hesitant step back, keeping a close eye on him until he’d left the kitchen, probably off to read the paper.  Ponyboy wasn’t the only one trying to pretend like everything was normal.  But Pony doubted he’d be able to concentrate for long, and his brother would probably be watching him even closer than normal.  

Not able to stand the silence anymore, he grabbed the cake that Darry had put back in the fridge and placed it on the counter for Two-Bit.  “Want some?” 

His buddy nodded his head slowly as the water shut off in the bathroom.

Two-Bit was careful as he moved past Pony to grab a knife and cut himself a slice, making sure not to touch him as he passed.  He could practically feel his friend wanting to try and talk about what had just happened, but neither of them really knew what to say, and Pony didn’t want to talk about it…didn’t want to think about it either.  But Ponyboy knew that Two-Bit wouldn’t let him avoid that particular conversation for too long.

Chapter Text

Ponyboy took a long drink of the Pepsi that Darry's money had bought him, sticking close to Two-Bit who nursed a soda, the two of them standing beside the track a few feet away from his brothers. The dull roar of the crowd of people pressing in on him seemed louder than he remembered from the last time he'd come to watch Dally race. He remembered coming when he was younger to watch Soda compete until their dad had made him stop after he'd gotten hurt, and the rush of memories…of sitting on his dad's shoulders or holding Darry's hand to keep from getting lost, and of long days spent watching the competitions and eating concession food, made his chest ache for a second.

He didn't think about his parents much anymore…he hadn't since that social worker had taken him away. It had hurt more than thinking about his brothers when he'd been in that boy's home, and then in Richard's house, so he'd pushed those memories even further down, not wanting to remember any of it.

It had been a last minute thing, this excursion to the racetrack, and Pony had seen Darry struggling with the decision when Dallas had asked them if they wanted to come watch him race. Pony knew that this place could attract kind of a rough crowd these days, especially as it got later and the sun started to go down, and more than once, accusations of cheating had led to blades and worse being pulled out.

Dallas had come over that afternoon while Darry had been grilling burgers for lunch, Pony and Soda tossing their old football back and forth in the backyard, Two-Bit smoking and talking to Darry at the grill. Steve had joined in after a while, and Johnny and Two-Bit too, until they'd had a game going. Pony had caught sight of Dal coming out their back door just before Soda had tackled him, and then he'd watched Two-Bit flinch from where he'd laid on the ground, Two's eyes closing for a second as he'd looked away, puffing on his cigarette and turning back to Darry.

Dally had joined the game on Soda and Steve's side, since Pony, Johnny, and Two-Bit had teamed up. Even though Pony and Johnny weren't as small as they used to be, they still got the advantage when they played football. It had been fun…Pony had managed to keep himself focused the whole time, then Darry had called them to clean up and get ready to eat, but as he'd been pouring himself a glass of water and downing half of it lukewarm at the sink, he'd felt Two-Bit's gaze on him.

Two-Bit hadn't said a word about what had happened that morning…not yet. But Pony knew that he would, and he'd been struggling to figure out what he could say…how he could explain himself. It felt stupid to put it into words. What could he say? 'Richard used to beat the shit out of me and something you were doing made me think about it and I freaked out.' Yeah…real tough, Pony had thought, grabbing a bun for his burger and loading it with cheese and ketchup. He sounded crazy.

He didn't want to be crazy.

He wanted to be normal.

They'd been crowded around the back porch, all of them sitting wherever they could find a spot and scarfing down their food, when Dally had spoken up. "I've got a race later. Y'all want to come?"

He'd been asking all of them, but he'd been looking at Pony and Johnny.

Pony had perked up at that, glancing at Johnny, then Darry. He'd doubted that his brother would say yes. Darry didn't usually like him going to places like that alone or even with Johnny, especially not on school nights…then again, Pony had thought as his brother had considered it, that had been a while ago. Maybe things had changed since he was older now.

"Yeah, I'll come," Two-Bit had chimed in, and Steve had glanced at Soda who had hesitated, glancing at Ponyboy, then followed his gaze to Darry.

Darry had looked up at him then, mouth twitching into a smile. "What do you say, Pone? Wanna go?"

He'd grinned then, along with Soda and Johnny. "Sure, sounds like fun."

With Soda and Steve and Johnny all agreeing that they would go too, it had turned into a group outing, all of them piling into Darry's truck and Steve's car and heading over after dinner. On the way, Darry had told him stuff he already knew as he'd sat sandwiched between his brother and Johnny.

"We can't stay too long. You got school in the morning, and I've got work."

"Sure, Darry."

"A couple of hours tops."

"Sounds good."

Then, as they'd pulled into the grass lot packed with cars and people hanging around and drinking, he'd started again as he'd looked for a parking spot.

"Stick close to the guys, you hear? Don't wander off on your own."

"Yes, Darry."

"And if anybody starts fighting or pulls a blade, you get the hell out of there."

"Yes, Darry."

At his long suffering tone, Johnny had finally snorted out a laugh, biting his lip and looking away as he tried to keep quiet, but Darry had shot them a look, a reluctant smile finally escaping as he'd shut the truck off. Johnny had jumped out of the truck, but before Pony could follow, Darry had dropped a hand on his shoulder.

"I know you can handle yourself pretty good, Pone. I know you aren't dumb. I just worry about you."

And Pony had wanted to tell him that he didn't need to worry, but he'd known it wasn't really true…that there were several reasons to be worried about him. So instead, he'd tried to grin…tried not to hate the fact that he worried his brother all of the time, and that what had happened that morning certainly hadn't helped. He'd tried to remind himself of what Doctor Song had said…how his brothers would rather worry about him than have him gone.

"I know," he'd told him, dropping his eyes. "I'll be careful."

"I know you will." And with that, Darry had patted him on the back before they'd climbed out of the truck. Together, the three of them had met Soda and the rest of the gang, all of them walking towards the fenced in areas where the barrel races and bronco riders competed, and the track where Dally would race. They'd broken off into groups once they got closer, Darry handing Pony some change and then going to talk to a couple of guys he recognized, Dally going to get ready for his race, and Steve and Soda to say hello to some guys they played ball with sometimes.

Pony had been kind of surprised when Two-Bit had stuck with him and Johnny, the three of them leaning into cars and talking to guys they knew, then heading to the concessions and buying popcorn and sodas that they drank while they'd watched a guy try and fail to ride one of the broncos. All around them, guys had cheered and booed and money had changed hands. A couple of guys had gotten into a fight then, and Two-Bit had guided them away before Pony had even known what was happening.

They'd all spent about an hour and a half hanging around before it was time for Dal to race, and it was getting dark. Pony pulled his jacket closer around him as he took another drink, draining his Pepsi, and beside him, Johnny did the same.

"You want another one?" Johnny asked, nodding towards Pony's empty bottle.

"Yeah." He started to dig in his pocket for change but Johnny waved him off.

"I got it. Two-Bit?"

On his other side, Two-Bit nodded. "Yeah, I'll take a beer." He handed Johnny some money. "On me. Get more popcorn if you want."

And then Pony was alone with him.

Well…not alone, per se. Darry was just a little ways away, and Pony did a double take when he realized his big brother was talking to a girl. He leaned around Two-Bit and managed to catch Soda's gaze. His other brother was perched precariously atop the ramshackle wooden fence with Steve, the two of them laughing a few feet away with some guys Pony didn't recognize. When Soda met his wide-eyed gaze, he looked concerned for a minute before he followed the jerk of his chin to their brother, then almost fell off the fence in shock, jaw dropping. He looked back at Pony then, grinning and wide-eyed, and Pony knew the two of them would have lots of fun asking Darry all about whoever that girl was later.

"You want to tell me what happened?"

Ponyboy was so distracted at first that he just grinned, leaning in but not looking away from the redhead Darry was talking to. "Darry's talking to a girl," he muttered, making sure to keep his voice low lest he catch Darry's attention. Knowing that Darry tended to compulsively check on him, he looked away, turning to Two-Bit and freezing for a second.

Two's face was serious.

Pony felt dread curling in his stomach and he immediately realized what Two-Bit had been talking about.

That morning.

The answer was no. Of course he didn't want to talk about it. But no one ever accepted that answer for long, and besides, Two-Bit had been great recently. It had been easier to talk to him than almost anyone, especially since, for whatever reason, he never seemed to get drunk anymore. Still, he couldn't help trying to stall.

"How come you haven't been drinking beer tonight?"

Two-Bit lifted an eyebrow, smiling a little. "How about you worry about your own drink and let me worry about mine?"

Pony grinned, turning to the track. It was getting cold, just like that night last September when he'd gone to the movies…when he'd forgotten his jacket. The only reason he'd remembered one tonight was because Darry had grabbed it for him. He knew his brother would tell him it was time to go soon. It was nearly 8, which wasn't too late, and it wasn't like he had a bedtime, but Darry would probably be getting tired, and 6:30am would come early. Besides, it was a wonder Darry had let him come out on a school night, so he tried to be grateful instead of letting himself get irritated that they'd have to leave long before anyone else.

"C'mon, kid. Spill it."

"It wasn't you," Pony told him softly, giving in and dropping his eyes to the packed dirt at their feet. It was just about time for Dally to race, and Pony figured they'd leave pretty soon after that. He didn't mind too much…he felt kind of sick all of a sudden.

"Kind of felt like it was me." He was quiet for a second, tapping the empty soda bottle he'd been holding against his leg, and when he spoke, his voice was softer. "I wouldn't hurt you, kid. You know that right?"

"I know." He hesitated, glancing around, but no one was listening to them. No one was watching. "It's…sometimes, it's like…" He shrugged. "Like it's happening again. Like Rita said. I know it isn't but…" Pony shook his head, not meeting Two-Bit's eyes…not daring to. His own eyes were hot and he didn't want to start bawling in front of all these tough hoods, especially since if his brother got even the slightest suspicion that something was wrong with him, he'd stop talking to that girl and come over, and Pony didn't want that. "I can't help it," he admitted in a small voice.

Two-Bit moved a little closer, propping an elbow on his shoulder, and from the corner of his eye, Pony saw him stroke his sideburn, nodding his head slowly.

"Stupid, huh?" Pony asked, clenching his hands around the rough wood of the fence to keep them from shaking. His friend's silence felt too heavy, and it was like he had to keep talking to fill it. "I'm out of that house…hell, I've been out of that house for months. I ought to know the difference between one of you guys and somebody trying to hurt me by now."

"It ain't stupid, kid. Shut up talking like that."

"Sometimes it's fine," he confided. "Like…like everything's normal. Then something will happen…half the time, I don't even know what it is. But…it's like I'm there again and I can't breathe right and…" he cut himself off, not having meant to spill his guts to Two-Bit like that, but his buddy didn't laugh.

"I ain't no doctor, but I think after the shit you went through, it's pretty normal for stuff like that to happen after. Hell, look at how Johnny was back when he got jumped…he was jumpier than a tree frog."

Pony couldn't help grinning. "I think the expression is jumpier than…"

"Oh shut it, kid." He laughed when Two-Bit knocked a hand against the back of his head. "It don't matter what the expression is. You know what I meant. He was scared of his own shadow. And you know Dal's always on edge, but he was worse when he first got here after living in New York. Going through shit like that…it changes people."

"I didn't want it to change me," Ponyboy all but whispered, dropping his eyes to the ground.

"Aw, kiddo…you aren't so different. You're still the same smartass you always were."

Somehow, coming from Two-Bit, that sounded almost affectionate, and Pony laughed, pushing him off just as Johnny joined them with the drinks and the popcorn, handing one bottle to Pony who thanked him, and giving Two-Bit the beer. His friend looked a little less worried at least, and Pony took a handful of popcorn, trying to look normal and not like he'd just had a heart to heart with Two-Bit at the rodeo.

Figuring he had some time, Ponyboy told Johnny and Two-Bit he was going to run to the bathroom, making his way through the crowd and toward the out building behind the concession stand. On the way, he sped up when he saw a guy pull out a knife, another guy holding his beer bottle by the neck and grinning. He'd never seen either of them before, but he figured with his luck, he'd somehow end up getting roped in if he stuck around to watch.

After he washed his hands, he managed to make it a few steps out of the bathroom before a shoulder slammed against him and knocked against the wall of the building. His first thought as the Pepsi splashed all over his hand was that he should have listened to Darry and stayed with the guys…but then he spun to face the guy who'd bumped into him, ready to square off as fear and fury rose up in equal measure. He wasn't a girl…he wasn't going to ask his buddies to go with him to the damn bathroom.

It was Randy Adderson grinning down at him, one of the four from the backseat at his side. Maybe Eric? Or…Reggie? Pony found that he didn't really care as he took a swig of his soda, then gripped the bottle by the neck, grinning right back at them.

"Watch where you're going, greaser," backseat guy warned, and Pony wanted to smash that bottle across his stupid smug face. But he also knew that if he started, he might not be able to stop. Besides, it would ruin Darry's first night out in a while, and freak the rest of them out, and he wouldn't even get to see Dal's race.

"I will if you will, asshole," he told them, turning and heading back towards his friends as he wiped his hand on his jeans. He kept an ear out though, knowing that if they came after him, he'd have to actually fight..or maybe just pull his blade out.

They didn't come after him. He did hear Randy's voice though, too loud to just be talking to backseat asshole.

"Let him go. Bob wants to be the one to take care of him."

Pony let that go, rejoining the guys at the fence and leaning against it, standing between Johnny and Two-Bit who both seemed kind of relieved to see him. Deciding he shouldn't keep it quiet, he turned to Two right as the horses were lining up, Dal on the inside. "Randy's here," he told him, hoping his voice wasn't loud enough to carry over to his brothers.

"He try to start anything?"

"Nah. Just talked," Pony lied a little.

Two-Bit looked at him for a minute, obviously not buying it, so Pony decided to just tell the truth. Or at least some of it.

"Told his buddy that Bob wanted to take care of me himself."

Two-Bit's eyes narrowed, and he turned to search the crowd, but neither Randy nor Bob were anywhere to be seen. "You sure they didn't try anything?" he asked, leaning in a little closer and looking serious.

"Just bumped into me. They ain't gonna try nothing here with you guys around. Hell, they'd take one look at Darry and run."

His friend smirked, but he was still scanning the crowd right up to the minute the starter gun went off and they both turned to watch the horses start to run. They all cheered for Dally, screaming and clapping and cheering him on as he raced by, and when he won, they cheered and screamed even louder, jumping up and down and spilling their drinks. Soda and Steve climbed up onto the fence to get above the crowd, whooping and hollering until Darry reached up and grabbed their shirts, complaining that they were going to break their necks if they didn't knock it off.

"Are those two your brothers?" Pony heard the girl call over the cheering and yelling, the crowd finally starting to disperse a little while everyone waited for the next race. He tried not to make it obvious he was staring, but he couldn't help glancing over.

"Just the one in blue. The one with the broken nose is Steve. My other brother is…" Pony looked away quick as he could, knowing they could see him in profile as he looked out across the track, keeping an eye out for Randy or any other socs that might want to start something. "There. Brown jacket. Standing next to Two-Bit Matthews."

"Oh…the one with the…" her voice trailed off, and when Pony glanced over, he could see her touching her cheek with her fingertip right where his scar was. Wincing a little, he turned back, scolding himself for how his stomach dropped, but not before briefly meeting Darry's eyes. He didn't let himself look for long, just forced a smile and took a drink of his Pepsi, then turned to Johnny.

She wasn't wrong. He was the one with the scar.

He remembered when he'd thought a tough scar would be pretty cool, and he felt sick for a second.

"How much you think he won?" Pony asked, leaning against the fence and turning his back to his brother and the girl.

Johnny, not seeming to have noticed the girl Darry was talking to, grinned. "Plenty, I bet, with all the people here, and you know they were all betting on that Johanson guy!"

Pony didn't know that, although he'd heard the name a few times that night. "You think he's gonna be mad? Johanson?"

"Sure, but if he calls Dally out, he'll probably break some teeth."

Ponyboy wanted to wait for Dal to make his way over to talk to him about the race and ask him if he'd gotten into it with that other guy, but it wasn't too much longer before Soda was popping up at his side, throwing an arm around him.

"Alright, kiddo. You ready to go?"

He wanted to argue…to ask for just a few more minutes, but Soda headed him off.

"Come on, let's head home. All the good stuff already happened, and we can talk to Dally later. Besides, I think Darry got that girl's number."

He turned at that, glancing over at them only to find Darry grinning and putting something in his pocket. Pony met Soda's eyes and they both smiled.

"Wait, what?" Johnny asked, trying to get a good look at her, and they laughed.

"You ready?" Soda asked, and this time Pony nodded, not wanting to ruin the night by fighting.

"Sure. Johnny, you want a ride?"

"I'll get a ride with Steve. See you tomorrow at school?"

"Yeah. See you."

Ponyboy let Soda lead him over to where Darry was waiting, the girl nowhere in sight. But Pony didn't ask…not yet. Not until they were all in the truck and he was sitting against the window, watching the buildings pass by. He could practically feel Soda grinning down at his lap, and Darry's almost confused silence as he glanced suspiciously at the two of them. And then, when they were almost to the house, Pony finally spoke.

"So…did you get her number?"

Soda laughed, turning around in his seat and shaking Darry's shoulder before he could answer. "What's her name?"

"Her name is Mary and yes, I got her number."

"Are you gonna call her?" Pony demanded.

"How come you didn't introduce us? You embarrassed of us or what?"

"Yeah, I am," Darry told him with a laugh, shoving Soda off. "And I'll call her when I feel like it."

"Two bucks says he calls her by tomorrow," Soda told Pony, leaning in close like he could whisper without Darry hearing him. Their brother snorted, elbowing Soda and knocking him into Ponyboy as they approached their house.

"No way. He'll probably call her when we get home."

Darry reached out to smack him in the head, but Pony ducked and he hit Soda instead.

"Hey!"

Pony laughed, jumping out of the car as soon as Darry put it in park in front of the house, and Soda ran after him, the two of them racing inside before Darry could come after them. And it was normal, Pony realized. They'd gone out like old times and things had been fine and…everything was good. Hell, he'd had fun and he hadn't worried either of them!

Darry found him in the kitchen a few minutes later. Soda had dropped in front of the TV, turning it on too loud, and Pony had heard Darry turn it down as he grabbed a glass of water from the sink.

"You still thirsty? Glory, kid, you must've drank six sodas."

"Four," Pony corrected, rinsing out the glass and drying it. Darry just leaned against the counter beside him, watching as he put the glass back in the cabinet. "Want your change?"

Darry waved him off. "Couldn't be much left after all that soda and popcorn."

"You gonna call her?"

"Probably."

Pony smiled a little at the cabinet as he closed it, then turned around. His brother had his hands shoved into his pockets, watching him kind of close.

"Did you…I mean…you heard? What she said?" Darry hesitated, looking like he was at a loss. When Pony just looked at him, he sighed, looking away. "She asked who my brothers were…"

"Right. Yeah." Pony nodded, making himself smile when Darry just stared at the floor. "Come on, Dar. It wasn't a big deal."

His brother met his eyes for a second, like he was trying to see if he was telling the truth, then nodded.

"So, when are you inviting her over?"

"I think I'd better see if she actually likes me before I bring her around you two. You might scare her off." Darry ruffled his newly short hair, grinning a little to show he was kidding.

The others had all been surprisingly quiet about his hair…Dal had just lifted an eyebrow when he'd seen him, asking if he was trying to be a soc before knocking him gently upside the head. Johnny had told him it looked good, a line thrown away while they'd been getting ready to play football, and Steve, in his usual style, had ignored it. Now Darry rested his hand on Pony's head for a second.

"Dal did real good," Pony told him, and Darry nodded, dropping his hand to his shoulder.

"Yeah…he did."

"Johnny said he probably made a bunch of money."

"Good. Now he can buy his own smokes instead of stealing them for a while."

Pony grinned. "I doubt it."

"Yeah, me too." Darry sighed, shaking his head with a rueful smile. "You okay, kiddo?"

He blinked at his brother, kind of surprised. "Sure. I'm fine…it was fun. I hadn't seen Dally race in a while."

Darry nodded. "Yeah…it's been a while since we all went down there. We should go again sometime soon."

"Thanks for letting me go…I know it's a school night." Pony shrugged, then went still when Darry put an arm around him, squeezing him tight in a hug. After a second, he relaxed, hugging his brother back. "Dar?"

"It's just really good to have you back, kiddo."

And Ponyboy knew what he meant…he may have been back for a couple of months now…but it was like…like he hadn't really been back. He hadn't felt like himself in so long, but now, after everything, he was finally starting to

"I'm real glad to be back."

Chapter Text

On Tuesday morning, the sound of a door slamming woke Ponyboy from dreams about Lianne, and he blinked up at the ceiling, heart racing as he listened to someone moving around in the living room and the rain pouring outside their window. He'd been dreaming about her a lot recently. Not nightmares…at least, not bad ones. Not ones like he used to have where he woke up screaming, or like the ones he had now sometimes where he'd wake up with his face pressed into a pillow, his body deciding that it was better to smother himself than to risk waking someone he didn't even live with anymore. No, those ones seemed to wake Soda faster than anything these days, and he'd always roll over and throw an arm around him, even if he was still half asleep. He'd hold Pony close and tell him he was home...he was safe. That Soda wouldn't let anything happen to him.

And Pony believed him.

Soda would have come for him if he'd known. Darry too. They would have put a stop to Richard…would have beat him half to death if they'd seen him hurt their little brother. They hadn't known, and they'd been trying to follow all the rules to try and get him back.

He didn't know if that knowledge was the reason he'd been having less nightmares, but either way, he was grateful. He'd finally been sleeping through the night, and he could feel the anxiety always under the surface starting to ease a little as the days went on. He and Darry never fought anymore. Soda knew just about everything and he was still there, strong and steady and ready to be there if Pony needed him. And the guys…well, they were like family, always looking out for him.

For the first time in so long, everything felt good…like things were looking up. Although, he had to admit as Soda swore under his breath and rolled over, yanking the covers with him and leaving Pony without any, he could have done without the rude wake up call.

"What time is it?" Soda asked irritably, and Pony had to grin a little. Him and Steve had stayed out too late, he was sure, so he doubted his brother had gotten enough sleep.

"Five-thirty."

Soda swore again, pulling the covers over his head, and Pony closed his eyes, wondering who'd come over so early. Throwing his legs over the side of the bed, he stood as carefully as he could, trying not to disturb Soda, and headed for the bathroom where he found wet clothes thrown over the ledge of the tub. Then he grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen, glancing out the window as the wind whipped the trees back and forth.

Steve was sitting on their sofa, holding a rag to his face and wearing a pair of sweatpants that Pony was pretty sure belonged to Sodapop. When they made eye contact, Pony had to fight not to back away. Steve's eyes were glittering with anger, the cloth he was holding to his mouth turning redder by the second.

"You okay?" he asked, keeping his voice low so he didn't wake anyone up. He was kind of surprised Darry wasn't up already, since someone slamming their door usually woke him, but he figured the storm raging outside had covered the noise well enough that he'd slept through it.

"What does it look like? Bad enough you broke my fucking nose. Now my old man's on a goddamn bender…" he trailed off and Pony took that as his cue to back out of the room, not able to help the ingrained response. Quiet as he could, he slipped out of the living room, barely breathing so he could listen for footsteps coming up behind him. Once he'd reached their bedroom, he shut the door and listened for the click of the latch, then climbed into bed.

Soda blinked at him, rolling over onto his back and throwing the blankets over him. "You alright?" he asked, obviously struggling to wake up.

Pony just nodded, curling up against him and hoping his brother would protect him from the monsters that weren't even there.

It was just Steve. Steve had been in a bad mood for half the time Pony had known him. This wasn't any different. It was stupid to be scared of him, just like it had been stupid to get freaked out by Two-Bit. But Ponyboy didn't know how to stop. So he just closed his eyes and tried to remember his dream as Soda threw an arm around him.

She'd been sitting on the porch of that house, a cigarette in her hand. She hadn't looked scared though. She'd just been watching him, her elbows resting on her knees, a little smile on her face.

Why had she been watching him?

The question stayed in the back of his mind as he dozed for another hour or so until Darry opened their door. "Pony, Soda, time to get up."

Pony groaned, rolling over and trying to hide under the covers.

"Come on, you two. Pony, you got to leave for school soon. Steve's gonna give you a ride. Soda, come on, I'll take you to work."

Soda grumbled a little but sat up, wiping a hand over his face and glancing down at Pony. "You up?" he asked, and Pony nodded. Darry had sounded pretty serious and the last thing he wanted was to make him mad. So he sat up too.

"What time did you get home last night?" he asked with a little grin, and his brother shoved him back down into his pillow, making him laugh. "Steve's here," he told him.

"He the one that came in this morning?"

"Yeah. He's in a mood. Something about his dad."

Soda looked at him kind of closely for a second. "Yeah?"

Pony nodded, lowering his voice. "He's still pissed about his nose…I tried to apologize."

"He ain't mad at you. He'd just…stuff with his dad isn't great right now," Soda confided, ruffling his hair. "Darry probably won't have to work today. You want me to drive you to school instead?"

Pony shook his head. "Nah. That's alright."

Soda just watched him for a second, then nodded, jumping out of bed, and Pony followed suit.

Steve was quieter than usual as they drove to school, but Pony didn't try talking to him. He had a feeling that trying to apologize about his nose again might not go over well. So the two rode to school in silence, the rain pouring down and making it hard to see the road. Thunder seemed to shake the car, it was so loud, and lightning flashed across the sky. Pony wondered if Darry would try to pick up a shift at the warehouse or stay home and catch up on sleep…or even call that girl he'd met at the rodeo, but he hadn't had the chance to ask.

The car nearly went up on two wheels as Steve sped around the corner into the parking lot, and Pony tried to be discreet about gripping the door handle when he slammed on the breaks as he pulled into a spot as close to the front as he could get. Not waiting for him to even shut the car off, Pony pulled his hood up and shouldered his backpack, climbing out of the car and taking off for the front doors.

The parking lot was full of cars, but no one was loitering outside. Wishing for warmer weather despite the fact that it would mean he'd have to pull his sleeves up, Pony ducked his head, trying to keep his hair dry at least, Steve several feet behind.

He only made it up about three of the front stairs before someone shoved him back. Cursing himself for not paying attention, he tried to get his footing, but landed hard on his backpack, just barely pulling his head up before it knocked against the concrete. Heart racing, he scrambled to his feet, adrenaline shooting through his body as conditioning took over. Don't stay down. Get ready to fight. Don't let him get close. Run if you can.

Pony glared up at Randy Adderson who gave him a nasty grin, arms crossed. They were both soaked, and Pony shivered a little in the cool morning air, but all of his attention was on Randy who was making his way down the stairs.

But before Pony could do anything more than take a step back, fists clenched at his sides, Steve was there, pushing Pony back a step and putting himself between them. "What the hell's your problem, asshole?"

Randy just snorted.

"This doesn't have anything to do with you, Randal."

"The fuck it doesn't." Steve reached up, grabbing Randy by the jacket before he could fight back and shoving him hard, then backed up when he went down on the rain slicked stairs with a pained grunt. "You touch this kid again, I'll break your damn hands, you feel me?" Steve grabbed Pony's arm then, leading him up the stairs, the two of them giving Randy a wide berth. "You okay?" he snapped, shoving the front door open.

"Yeah." Pony doubted Steve cared that his back ached from where he'd landed on his textbooks, or that he was so cold his teeth were chattering. Still, Steve gave him a once over, still looking mad, but softening a little.

"Sure you are. Come on."

Pony followed, frowning when he saw that Steve was leading him towards the gym, which was full of guys playing basketball and goofing off before class started. They went past them to the locker room, throwing their wet jackets onto the bench and grabbing spare towels to try and dry off before they had to go to class.

"You sure you ain't hurt?" Steve asked, pulling out a comb and trying to fix his hair.

"I'm fine," Pony insisted, although he couldn't help how loudly his heart was pounding in his chest. He hadn't seen Randy or Bob since the rodeo, but he could feel a sense of foreboding rising up in him, and after a second he dropped onto the bench beside his wet jacket, closing his eyes and trying to make his breathing go back to normal.

It wasn't life and death. He wasn't with Richard. Richard couldn't get him. He was in jail. Steve was right there and no matter how pisssed he was, he'd never let anyone hurt him. "What's he want anyway?" Pony asked, struggling to make his voice sound normal as his hands shook.

Steve would think something was wrong with him. He'd think he was freaking out. He was freaking out. He'd call Soda or Darry and…

A hand landed on his shoulder and he felt Steve sit next to him, his own voice almost soft. Almost nice. "Don't worry about it, Ponyboy. He's just being an asshole. We ain't gonna let him do nothing."

He nodded. He knew that. Of course he knew that. It was stupid to be so scared all of a sudden…just because Randy wanted a fight didn't mean he was Richard.

But when he closed his eyes, he could see Richard on the porch, shoving him down the stairs…the pain in his back that he'd ignored as he'd scrambled to his feet because when he didn't get up fast enough, Richard would kick him so hard he was sure his ribs would cave in.

Pony didn't want to say any of that to Steve, though. Especially not when he remembered how pissed he had been at him that morning. So he just dried his hair off, taking the comb Steve offered and trying to fix it. It was so short that it didn't take long, and then, hoping he looked somewhat normal, he headed to homeroom.

Two-Bit gave him a look when he sat down, eyes narrow as he took in the wet jacket he threw over the back of his chair, and his jeans, still damp from landing on the concrete. He was shivering a little, he was so cold, and Two lifted an eyebrow, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair.

"You go swimming this morning or what, kid?"

"Randy pushed me down the stairs," he grumbled, figuring there was no point in lying. Besides, some small part of him wanted to watch Two-Bit get some good old fashioned revenge.

Just like he'd expected, Two-Bit's eyes went wide. "What the hell?" he snapped, leaning in.

"Steve was there…stopped him before we could fight."

"I'm going to kick his ass," he grumbled, and Pony smiled a little.

"Steve's?"

Two snorted. "Smartass. You alright?"

"Fine. Just wet."

His clothes had mostly dried out by lunch, and they opted to eat in the cafeteria instead of driving out to the DX. None of them wanted to go back out in the rain, Pony least of all, so they got in line to get whatever the cafeteria was serving. Pony didn't much care…he wasn't even hungry. He couldn't help looking around the room for Bob and Randy, keeping an eye out and wondering if they would bother trying to bug him with his buddies so close.

The answer to that question came sooner than he'd expected.

Two-Bit and Steve were in front of him in line, and were already halfway to their table before Pony had paid for his food. He made his way across the cafeteria, glancing around to see who was close. Johnny was still paying for his food. Steve and Two-Bit were sitting down.

And Bob Sheldon stood up as Pony passed.

It wasn't like in the locker room. Pony wasn't afraid as the hands planted on his back and shoved, sending his tray flying.

He was pissed.

Whirling, he let the tray go and brought his fist back, his knuckles cracking against Bob's cheek and knocking his head to the side. He grunted in pain, and Pony ignored the way his hand ached all the way from his fingers to his elbow. This was a pain he'd gotten used to after countless rumbles and fights. Around them, the cafeteria exploded into chaos, the girls screaming and moving their chairs back, as if either of them was going to haul off and hit a girl, and the greasers and socs jumping up, ready to turn this into an all out rumble.

But before that could happen, a bellowing voice made them all freeze.

"Enough!"

Pony turned around and found that Steve and Two-Bit had both been right behind him, ready to fight, then looked past them to the principal who was standing at the entrance to the cafeteria. He swore under his breath. Perfect, he thought. Just what he needed. To get expelled on top of everything else.

"Curtis, Sheldon, let's go," he ordered, jerking his head and turning around, knowing they would both follow.

They did.

Two-Bit clapped a hand on Pony's shoulder as he passed, him and Steve glaring at Bob who walked beside him.

"Fucking greaser. If you get me expelled I'll kill you," Bob grumbled as they made their way up the stairs.

"None of this would be happening if you'd just leave me alone, asshole."

"After you and your buddy stabbed me?" Bob scoffed.

"Jesus, Bob, you were drowning me!" Pony hissed, turning and staring at him incredulously. "You were going to kill me!"

For just a second, Bob went quiet, and it was almost like Pony's words had sunk in…like he might actually realize what he'd done. Then he rolled his eyes, the expression dropping.

"That's what you get for messing with our girls. Besides, this town would be better off with one less greaser."

Pony didn't bother responding to that as they stepped into the principal's office, letting Bob walk in first, then dropping into the chair beside him when the principal gestured for him to do so. He wanted to blurt out his side of the story…wanted to insist that he hadn't started any of this. But he knew from both personal and second-hand experience that, no matter how good his grades were and no matter the fact that he almost never got in trouble, he was still a greaser and Bob was still a soc, and when it came down to it, he wasn't going to be the one anyone believed.

The principal didn't speak to either of them at first…not until his secretary stepped into the room and placed something on his desk, then left. Then he looked up at them, managing to look both angry and disappointed. "We've called your brother, Mr. Curtis, and your parents, Mr. Sheldon. You're both suspended for two days. You can come back to school on Friday and hopefully by then, you'll have gotten over whatever issues the two of you seem to have with each other."

Pony wanted to laugh. He had to know what issues they had with each other…surely he read the papers. Not to mention the fact that Bob had missed just about a whole year of school thanks to that hole in his back that Johnny had given him.

"I didn't even hit him!" Bob snapped, jumping out of his chair while Pony rolled his eyes. As if that mattered. Everyone knew the rules. If you got caught in a fight, whether or not you'd thrown a punch, it was an automatic two day suspension. He was just glad that was all it was…not that Darry would be happy.

It wasn't ten minutes later, after Bob had tried and failed to argue that he shouldn't be in any trouble and that it was the greasers in this school causing all the trouble, that Darry walked in. And in the chair beside Ponyboy, Bob went real still.

Pony was glad that his brother had arrived before Bob's parents…he doubted he'd react well to being yelled at by strangers. But Darry didn't say a word to Bob Sheldon…just gave him a long, considering look he might give him if he was about to rumble…like he was sizing him up. Pony was sure that Bob had heard of his brother, since he was a football player after all, and he was sure that Bob had caught glimpses of him, but he didn't think they'd ever been this close, and he had to fight his smile at the way Darry looked, with his muscles straining against his t-shirt under his leather jacket.

And then Darry turned his eyes to him, and Pony dropped his gaze.

Right…he was the one in trouble with Darry.

Darry listened as the principal explained what had happened…or at least, the basics. They'd been in a fight. They were suspended for two days. They'd better work out whatever issues they had outside of school. And then he nodded.

"Don't worry. We will," Darry assured him, glancing over at Bob again right as the man that must have been his dad stormed into the room.

Bob's dad was big. Not as strong as Darry, obviously, but he was big in the way Richard had been. Broad shouldered with sharp, angry eyes that sought out Ponyboy immediately.

"You are not suspending my son because this…hood attacked him!" he snapped, the finger he pointed so close to Pony's face that he had to pull back a little, scooting back in his seat and fantasizing about biting him for a second. Then he cursed himself for having a stupid sense of humor and tried to look indifferent…tried to pretend that a big guy yelling didn't take him right back to that house. "This was the juvenile delinquent that stabbed my son last year!"

"No, I was the one he was drowning because he's a drunk!" Pony snapped, anger taking the place of common sense for just a second before Mr. Sheldon wheeled on him.

"What did you say to me?" he snapped, towering over him as he got too close, but that didn't last for more than a second before Darry was forcing himself between them, not shoving the other man but stopping just short, his own finger pointed in Mr. Sheldon's face.

"Hey! You don't talk to my little brother, you hear me!"

The whole room went quiet at Darry's booming voice, the principal standing from his chair and looking nervous all of a sudden, like there might just be another fight between a Curtis and a Sheldon, only this time, Pony wasn't sure if he'd be able to break it up by yelling.

He lowered his voice then, but he was still mad. "You make sure your kid stays away from my brother, and he'll do the same, you understand?"

Darry didn't wait for Sheldon to respond, just turned and grabbed Pony's arm, helping him to his feet, like he knew that Ponyboy's legs felt like rubber. Putting a hand on his shoulder, he steered him out of the room.

"You people are the reason this town's going to hell!" Mr. Sheldon yelled after them, and Pony guessed that was where Bob had gotten his charming personality. Darry's hand tightened on his shoulder, but he didn't respond as he led Ponyboy out to the truck, not letting go until he'd climbed into the cab.

"He started it," he grumbled as soon as Darry shut his door, but by the look his brother gave him, he didn't want to hear it.

"You're grounded."

It wasn't like Pony was surprised, or even all that upset by the fact. He'd kind of figured. But his hands were shaking and he felt…on edge. Like he was sneaking into the house and Richard was somewhere inside, but he didn't know where. "He's the one coming after me!" It was meant to be an explanation, but it came out too loud, like he was looking for a fight instead of desperate to avoid one.

"You can't get into fights at school, Ponyboy! Glory, don't you know that?"

"What? It's not like I killed him or nothing!"

"I had to leave work for this!"

"That's not my fault! I didn't even start it!"

"I can't keep missing work for…" His brother cut himself off and Pony flinched, dropping his eyes to glare out the window.

"Maybe I should have just stayed away," he muttered, hating himself for saying it even as the words escaped. Darry hadn't meant it like that…he knew that…but he couldn't help the stab of hurt, hearing his brother say something like that.

He was causing them trouble. He was making Darry miss work.

"What?"

His brother's tone made every drop of blood in his body turn to ice and he froze, his voice booming too loud in the confined space of the cab. His breath stuttered a little and he couldn't help the way he leaned away, face turned so that if Richard hit him, his fist would land somewhere on his shoulder and not his face.

No…not Richard. Richard was in jail.

Darry. His brother.

Darry wouldn't hurt him.

He blinked a few times, glancing over at his brother who was watching him, pale faced and grim, his hands gripping the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles were white.

"Sorry," he whispered, the word an offering. A plea.

Please don't be angry. Please don't yell. Please.

Darry seemed to gather himself, then reached out, slowly enough that Pony could pull away if he wanted to. His hand landed on the back of his neck, resting there lightly just like their dad, and Pony wanted to scream and cry with the frustration that built in him, aching for release. It wasn't fair. None of it.

"Sorry," he said again.

"Tell me what happened," Darry ordered, voice softer. Still firm, but not mad. He was fine…he was safe. Darry was upset but that didn't mean he was going to hurt him.

"Randy pushed me down the stairs this morning."

Darry started at that, eyes immediately raking over him like he was looking for injuries, and Ponyboy hurried to reassure him.

"I was fine. Steve was there...made him back off. But…then at lunch, Bob shoved me and I hit him." His voice trailed off, eyes dropping. "I wasn't…it wasn't like before. I knew what I was doing," he admitted.

His brother was quiet for a second, then he squeezed the back of his neck. "They keep this shit up, we're going to rumble," he muttered, patting him on the back, then turning to face forward as he started the truck and pulled out onto the road.

"I'm sorry," Pony told him again, mind racing with thoughts of being taken away…with memories of the boy's home and Richard and the social worker, dropping him off at that house.

"It's gonna be okay. You've gotta stay home for two days, but you're doing good enough that it shouldn't affect your grades." He hesitated. "You alright? He didn't hurt you, did he?"

"Not really."

"You get to eat?"

Pony shook his head, wondering how his brother could think of food at a time like this. Then again, making sure he ate seemed to be something the gang all had in common. Even Dallas had been treating him when they'd gone places together.

When they got home, Darry made them both sandwiches and they sat at the table in silence, Ponyboy forcing himself to chew and swallow even though the food tasted like dust in his mouth. His hands shook, no matter how hard he fought to still them, and he only managed a few bites before he couldn't eat anymore.

"Is the social worker going to come?"

"What?"

"That social worker…Mrs. Rhodes. Is she gonna come?"

"I doubt it…it was just a fight at school." A hand landed on his arm, squeezing hard enough to ground him. "Hey, nobody's going to take you away, okay? You didn't even start it, right?"

"I didn't start it last time either."

"Pone…"

"I'm not going back to that boy's home," Pony told him then, hearing the panicked edge in his voice and not able to stop it as he stared at his sandwich. "I won't. I'll run again."

Darry gripped his arm tighter, like he was keeping him from bolting. He expected his brother to argue…to tell him that he couldn't run away…that he couldn't do that again. But he just nodded. "Okay. Hey, look at me."

Pony did, forcing himself to take a deep breath as the panic ebbed a little. It had gotten easier to look his oldest brother in the eye, but at the moment, it felt almost impossible, so he settled for the wall by his head.

"They aren't going to take you away. Not over this, and not without a hearing. This social worker is different. The cop too…he's still paying attention to our case…calls every once in a while to check in."

"I shouldn't have fought back," he whispered, but Darry shook his head, looking grim.

"Yes you should have. I don't ever want you to just sit and take it if somebody's hurting you, you hear me? I want you to fight back." He rubbed a hand down his face. "I don't want you getting in trouble at school…but…" he sighed, looking conflicted. "I…I shouldn't have said…" He shook his head again. "You aren't grounded. You aren't ever going to get in trouble for fighting back when someone tries to hurt you, okay?"

"I couldn't fight Richard," he whispered, staring at his sandwich and thinking about Mr. Sheldon towering over him, barely aware of Darry scooting his chair closer. "I tried…"

"I know you did," Darry assured him, squeezing his shoulder. "You run into someone like that again…someone you can't fight, you get me, okay? And I'll take care of it. I know you couldn't before. But it's different now. You've got all of us here with you, okay? So tell us if something's wrong."

Pony nodded, closing his eyes and trying to believe that as he leaned his head against his brother, trying to stop shaking…to stop freaking out. Was it because of his dreams? Was dreaming about Lianne so much putting him on edge? Darry rested a hand on his back, rubbing slow circles like Soda did when he was upset.

"This is the second time, Darry," he whispered.

"What?"

"That we fought. Me and Bob. It's the second time I won. And he ain't gonna let that go."

Darry's grim silence told him all he needed to know…he had already thought of that.

"He told Randy not to mess with me…told him he'd take care of me himself. He said the town would be better off with one less greaser." He tried to play it off..to laugh when he said it. But his voice just came out small and too young, his smile pained.

Darry went real still at that, his hand freezing before going around his shoulders, squeezing him a little. "It's going to be fine, okay? I promise. We're going to take care of it." Standing suddenly, he patted him on the back. "Finish your sandwich, then get started on your homework. One of the guys will probably bring you the stuff you missed. I've got to get back to work. Stay here, okay? Clean your room."

"So is that a yes or a no on me being grounded?" Pony asked, trying to joke, and Darry huffed out a laugh.

"It's a 'call it what you want but stay home for the rest of the day,'" he told him, giving him a strained smile before heading out the door, and Pony decided that sounded just fine to him.

Chapter Text

Neither of his brothers was happy about leaving him home alone the next day, especially with Bob out of school too. And as much as Pony hated the idea of hiding from Bob Sheldon, he couldn't really blame them for being nervous, not when Sheldon had all but said he wanted to kill him. But they couldn't really afford for either of them to take another day off so they could stay home with him, so they didn't really have another option.

Sodapop had been even more upset by all this than Pony had expected, throwing himself onto the newly made bed beside Ponyboy the night before when he'd gotten home from work, arms crossed, bypassing his usual glass of chocolate milk. Pony had spent the day at the house, following Darry's orders and cleaning his room after he finished his homework. Then, at a loss for what else to do, he'd read for a while, and had been in the middle of making dinner when Darry had come home, the smell of baked chicken filling the house by the time Sodapop had walked through their bedroom door.

"What the hell is that asshole's problem?" he'd demanded, and although Pony wasn't sure that he actually wanted an answer, he'd given him one.

"Thinks the town would be better off with one less greaser," he'd repeated, watching his brother's eyes flash with a fury that told Pony he was ready for a fight.

"I'm going to make this town better, alright. I'll kill him." Then, almost an afterthought. "You alright? Darry told me what they did."

"I'm fine. Steve took care of Randy."

"Yeah, then you took care of Bob. Darry said he'd probably have another bruise and everything," Soda had told him, grinning with pride as he'd ruffled his hair. "Next time, take it outside though. That way you won't get in trouble."

Pony had nodded, not bothering to tell him that the fight had been a spur of the moment decision.

He'd been quiet at dinner, focusing on taking one bite after another and wondering if Two-Bit would ever tell his brothers what had happened after track tryouts. It didn't seem like he had…surely Darry would have had a talk with him after finding out something like that. Then, out of the blue, Darry had turned his attention to Pony, looking grim.

"We're going to rumble."

Pony had blinked at him, looking between him and Soda. "With the socs?" he'd asked, feeling stupid as soon as he'd spoken the words. Soda's lips had quirked up.

"Nah. With Tim," he'd joked, punching Pony in the arm and laughing when Pony had retaliated. "Hey! You little…"

"Saturday night," Darry had put in, voice rising above Soda's, obviously trying to stop any roughhousing at the kitchen table before it started.

"Because of me?" Pony had asked then, voice smaller than he'd meant it to be. Almost immediately, Soda had shaken his head, looking mad again.

"No, because of that asshole, Sheldon. He's going around telling everyone he's coming after you…he's gonna have to go through us."

Pony had wanted to laugh at the idea that a rumble would solve any of this. Did they really think whooping the socs in a fight would stop him from coming after Ponyboy? Pony had beat him up in the locker room, and then he'd punched him in the face in front of half the school. Bob wasn't just going to let that go. It was too personal now...the stakes were too high.

His thoughts had flashed to the ever-present blade in his pocket, and his eyes had dropped back to his food that had no longer looked all that appealing. It wasn't fair. Bob had been the one to try and kill him. It wasn't like he'd asked for any of this. But he hadn't said anything. He'd just eaten his food and gone to bed, waking up in the middle of the night from dreams about Lianne…about watching her smoke on that porch until Soda had shaken him awake. It had taken a second to realize that he'd been crying in his sleep, and he'd shuddered, wiping his eyes and ignoring the unspoken questions in Soda's gaze. Instead, Pony had spent the rest of the night huddled against him, his head on his brother's shoulder as he'd tried to stop thinking and just sleep.

The next morning, his brothers were quieter than normal, throwing him looks and obviously worrying, but it was Soda who spoke first as the three of them sat at the kitchen table, eating the breakfast Darry had made them. "Stay home today," he ordered, and since it was usually Darry giving the orders, Pony just blinked at him, kind of surprised. "Unless someone goes with you. And lock the door. Everyone still has a key."

"You really think Bob's gonna look us up in the phone book and come all the way out here?" Pony asked, smiling and trying to lighten the mood, but Soda wasn't having it.

"Just do it, you hear?"

Taken aback by how serious he was, Pony nodded, Darry silent as he watched the two of them from his seat. "Yeah, Soda. I'll stay home. But he ain't gonna do anything before a rumble." Those were the rules, after all.

"I don't trust that soc. Besides, he's telling everybody he's coming after you, and I ain't about to let him, you dig? I just about lost you once. I'm not doing it again."

There was an unexpected fierceness to his voice as he spoke, leaning in and gripping Pony's shoulder, his eyes too bright, and Pony couldn't even bring himself to joke. "Okay. Yeah, I'll stay home. It'll be alright, Soda."

"I know." Soda tried to grin, patting his shoulder.  He hesitated for a second, like he was carefully considering his next words, then went on. "And if you see any of those socs around here, you get out and come to the DX."

"I will."

"Alright. Be good, kid."

Darry echoed that sentiment, both of them just short of pleading, and Pony locked the door behind them, deciding to kill some time by heading back to bed.

Pony slept until almost noon, waking from dreams of Lianne on that porch, a cigarette in hand. He was always looking for Richard when he dreamed about that house, but the asshole was never around. It was always just the two of them. Sometimes, she'd talk to him, but no matter how hard he stared, trying to read her lips, he could never make out her words. Wiping his eyes, he stared up at the ceiling, feeling the ache of her memory right between his ribs.

He'd dreamed about her plenty over the last four months, but not dreams like these. These weren't nightmares….but they weren't happy dreams either. He usually woke abruptly from them, eyes flying open, like he was still in that house, asleep on the floor at the foot of Rita's bed, waiting to hear some sign that Richard was home. He never screamed though. Nowadays, it only took him a few seconds to realize that he wasn't in that house…that he was home in his own bed, the blankets pulled up over his head. But he still woke up crying sometimes…still woke up gasping for breath, heart beating too fast.

Groaning and blinking the sleep from his eyes, he threw the covers off of himself, too hot in the house with the sun from the windows beating down on him. He pulled his shirt off as he sat up, freezing before once he realized what he was doing. But, he reasoned quickly, no one was home. So it was fine. Right? Averting his eyes from his arms, he stood and made the bed, figuring Darry would want him to keep the house clean, then headed into the kitchen to make himself some lunch.

In New York, he'd had no trouble keeping himself entertained during those long days spent alone. He hadn't been confined to staying inside at the time, but, looking back, he had a feeling that if he had been, he'd have just sat on the sofa and stared at the wall. Back then, Lianne's death had hung over him like something physical, heavy and hard to breathe under, and he'd felt the way he'd felt watching her die…like this couldn't be happening. Like he couldn't possibly have gotten away. Any second, he was sure, it would all be over. He would be gone. Or he'd wake up from the worst dream of his life…no…he'd probably thought that, but he surely would have shoved that thought away, pushing it down so hard it wouldn't pop back up for days. Back in the boy's home, he'd given up thinking like that.

It had hurt too bad when it never turned out to be true.

But now it was…he was home. With his family and the guys. He was safe in his house. Darry and Soda were at work…he could go to the DX if he really wanted, he told himself as he wiped a hand over his face. He could tell Soda he didn't want to be alone in that house, and he'd let him hang around. But the last thing he wanted to do was make Soda worry about him, and he'd denfielty tell Darry, so Pony just headed for the kitchen, opening and closing cabinets, half looking for something to eat and half just killing time. He wasn't even hungry, but he couldn't help feeling that Two-Bit had developed some sort of sixth sense for when he skipped a meal.

Giving up on lunch and figuring there was no way Two could know if he didn't eat lunch, he dropped onto the sofa instead and flipped the TV on. He thought about trying to read, but he couldn't make himself focus. He felt jumpy, like Bob really was waiting outside or something. Jumping to his feet once more, he double checked that the door was locked, tugging on it a little, then went to the back door and did the same. Walking around the house and trying to look casual, as though someone might be watching, he glanced out all the windows, keeping an eye out for anyone he didn't recognize.

No one was around.

He went into Darry's room last, looking around like his brother might catch him. He rarely went into Darry's room…never messed with his stuff. Back when he'd been a little kid, he'd sometimes try to sneak into Darry's room to swipe something…a pocketknife or a book he was too young to read, but Darry usually caught him and would tell him off, asking their parents to make Pony stop going in his room. It wasn't something Pony had tried for years, and especially not since Darry had moved into their parent's old room.

But he couldn't help himself as he opened his brother's closet, only this time, he wasn't looking for books or a blade. Instead, he reached for the box on the top shelf that they all knew sat there, opening it and staring as if to reassure himself.

The pistol was still there, loaded and ready.

He put it back, just where he'd found it, and looked at the bottom of the closet, moving a pair of jeans aside to see the two shotguns leaning against the wall.

Pony shut the closet door behind him, feeling a little relieved. If Bob came, he'd have more than just his blade to defend himself. He could run. He could go to Darry's room and grab a gun. It wasn't like that house. He had options. And besides, he told himself, shutting Darry's bedroom door and standing in the middle of the kitchen, it wasn't like Bob Sheldon would come after him at his house.

He went out to the porch for a while, figuring that didn't count as breaking Soda's rule, then, when that reminded him too much of smoking and cigarettes pressed to his skin, he went inside, pulling a shirt on to cover up. He wondered if he should feel good about the fact that he'd gone almost an hour with his arms showing, but even thinking that felt dumb. What kind of accomplishment was that, not wearing a shirt? How messed up did you have to be to celebrate something like that?

Pony sighed, sitting on his bed and staring at his hands, wishing for something to do. It wasn't like he was excited to get back to school or anything, but spending the whole day trying to entertain himself made him think about New York…

And New York made him think about James.

Almost before he'd made the conscious decision to do it, Pony went back into the kitchen to get the phone number, then sat down in Darry's recliner and grabbed the phone. He figured James would probably be up since it was the middle of the afternoon, and he turned the TV down, leg bouncing as the phone rang. He knew it was long distance, but he figured he could give Darry some money if he asked, especially if he let him get a part time job in a few months. With Pony giving him some money every week like Soda, maybe that would help them out…maybe they wouldn't have to worry so much.

Maybe it would get Darry some breathing room and he could quit working so much every day.

"Yeah?"

Pony grinned at the brusque greeting. "Hey. It's me," he told him. "Ponyboy."

"Hey, kid." James's tone changed immediately and Pony heard the easy smile in his voice. "It's been a while. How are things going down there?"

He hesitated, about to lie. But James had been good at seeing through his bullshit from the beginning. So instead, Pony told him the truth.

He told him about getting back to school, and how Bob and Randy had it out for him. From there, it barely took any prompting for Pony to admit to what had happened at track practice, and how Two-Bit had been watching him to make sure he ate. He even told him about his fights with Soda, and how he hadn't wanted to tell him anything about that boy's home or that house. It was like once he started talking, he had to tell him everything…like he couldn't stop.

James was quiet for a second, and Pony felt bad about dumping all that on him for a second. But when he spoke, Pony could tell he was smiling.

"Can't stay out of trouble for more than ten minutes, huh kid?"

Pony laughed, dropping his head back against the back of the recliner. "Not my fault they've got it out for us."

"No..I don't guess it is."

"My brothers said we're going to rumble."

"Yeah? They ain't gonna let you fight, are they?"

"Why not?" Pony asked, kind of offended.

"Kid, the last time I saw you, you looked like a good shove might do you in. You were still busted up from where those assholes jumped you, and you didn't weigh a hundred pounds, soaking wet." James sobered then. "Besides, you don't want to fight."

"I ain't a coward," he snapped, bristling, but he could practically see James shaking his head and rolling his eyes.

"Didn't say you were. You just ain't like that." He told him easily, then hesitated. "My little brother, he wasn't either."

Pony went quiet, eyes wide. 

Brother?  What brother?

"He was about your age…maybe a little younger. Didn't go in for all that shit…fighting and getting into it with the fuzz. He was a smart kid. He was gonna get out of this shithole and do something with his life. "

"I…I didn't know you had a brother." Pony half whispered that admission, and when James answered, his voice was almost flat, but Pony could hear the pain in it…could recognize it just fine.

"Yeah…got killed about two years before you showed up on my porch. My old man was driving drunk…killed both of them."

He didn't know what to say. 'Sorry' didn't sound like enough. Still, he was opening his mouth to say it when James went on, back to business.

"Anyway…look kid, I know you don't like talking about all that shit, and I don't blame you. But your brothers care about you a lot. And if something had happened to Pe…to my brother like what you went through, I'd want to know. All of it. Even if I couldn't do nothing about it, I wouldn't have wanted him to go through it all alone." He cleared his throat, his voice unusually soft. "So if you don't want to fight in that rumble, you ought to tell them. At least the soft drink. He seems like the type to get it."

Pony nodded, swallowing hard. "Yeah…he is." Darry would too, he thought. Neither of them would ever think he was a coward for not wanting to fight…for being equally worried that he'd either lose himself and beat someone to death or that his mind would go back to Richard and that house and that he'd end up on the ground, curled up in a ball, sobbing and waiting for it to be over. "What's going on with you?" he asked finally, and James went along with the subject change, telling him about Marcus and his friends, and about the diner where he worked. He even told him about seeing Sue around, a little smile in his voice.

They only talked for a few more minutes though, since Pony was worried about long distance, but before he could hang up, right after their goodbyes and a promise to keep in touch, James cut in.

"Hey, kid?"

"Yeah?"

"It was good to have you around. You and Johnny both. And if you ever need to crash again, my couch is free. You dig?"

Pony couldn't help his smile. "Yeah…I dig. Thanks, James."

It wasn't another hour or so before Two-Bit showed up, unlocking the door with his key and finding Pony reading on the couch. He grinned down at him, dropping a stack of papers on the coffee table and then dropping himself onto the sofa beside Pony. "Hey kid. You sure got those socs in a mood."

"I didn't start it," he grumbled, dropping his book and figuring his buddy wouldn't let him read. He'd rather catch up anyway. "What are they saying?"

"The usual. They're gonna kick our asses at the rumble and all that. You been sitting around here all day?"

Pony shrugged. "Soda doesn't want me leaving the house on my own. He's worried about Bob."

"Yeah…Bob's full of talk about how he's gonna take care of you," Two-Bit admitted, eyes going dark. "We ain't gonna let him hurt you, you know that right?"

He wanted to ask if they were going to let Pony hurt him. If they were going to let him fight in a rumble when the last real fight he'd gotten into had left Bob unconscious and would have been worse if they'd let him keep going. Instead, he nodded, dropping his eyes and hoping Two didn't see the fear and the worry in his face. "Yeah, I know. Soda's worried for nothing. Bob ain't gonna come to our side of town just to get to me…not when there's a rumble soon."

Two-Bit didn't argue, but Pony could see he didn't agree either. "Just listen to your brother, kid. Soda's been through it, worrying about you. It's just one more day and you can go back to school where we can all keep an eye out. Steve was ready to kick that soc's ass for pulling shit like that. Too bad the Principal showed up before he could."

"You don't think he'd have let Bob get at least one good hit in?" Pony asked, grinning. "Revenge for me breaking his nose."

His friend chuckled, but he shook his head. "No way. If Steve wants revenge, he'll get it himself. He ain't gonna let anyone else mess with you. Besides, he already hit you back."

"He came over yesterday morning early…he was pissed off."

"He's just mad about his old man. Don't have anything to do with you, Pony."

He nodded, trying to accept that. It wasn't like Steve hadn't stood up for him with Randy, and he was giving him rides to school and stuff too. So it was probably fine.

Pony wished he could ask Two-Bit to take him somewhere to get out of the house, but his friend told him he was gonna take Rita out, so Pony didn't bother, just told him to say hi to Rita for him. He wanted to talk to her…wanted to tell her about the rumble and catch her up on what all was going on. It was weird, he thought as he got started on dinner, his make up work half done on the kitchen table, because they hadn't even talked much when they'd lived together. Out of everyone, he'd spent the most time with Li.

But Rita had been the one to patch him up at night, covering him with a blanket and trying to make sure he was comfortable on the floor. More than once, she'd offered to help him get into the bed when everything had hurt too much to move. But he'd refused every time, insisting the floor was fine, because he'd known that if Richard came back into that room, he'd have to stand up and get ready to fight again.

She'd testified to that cop, telling him the awful stuff Richard had done to her, for him. She'd told him that she wanted him to be her real brother. And it felt like he was. He wanted to be like her brother. He wanted to look out for her and talk to her and make sure she was doing okay. And part of him knew that she'd understand why he didn't want to fight. She was the only one left who'd seen firsthand exactly what he'd gone through, because she'd gone through it too. The only other people were Mark and Tyler, and they'd turned a blind eye to all of it, choosing to save themselves over helping Rita and Li.

It was a thought that stayed with him all night as he went through the motions of eating dinner, assuring both of his brothers that he was fine and that he'd stayed home, and that he'd do the same the next day unless somebody went with him. It kept him distracted enough that it took almost two hours to finish his homework, Darry finally asking him if he needed help when he'd stared at the same math problem for so long. After that, he hurried to finish everything, then joined Soda in the living room to watch TV until they all went to bed.

Chapter Text

Dallas came over to the house on Thursday around ten, and Pony would have made a joke about him being up so early except he was dying to get out of the house.  He’d been sitting on the couch, trying and failing to focus on a book when he saw Dally’s car pull up to their house, parking haphazardly in the street and jumping out.

Pony had woken up when Soda had, and despite his best efforts, he hadn’t been able to get back to sleep since.  So he’d cleaned some, just like Darry wanted, and had triple checked to make sure all of the windows and doors were locked, feeling paranoid but not able to help it.  At least no one was around to see him acting crazy, he’d thought as he’d tugged on Darry’s bedroom window to make sure it was latched.  Then he’d had a piece of the cake Soda had made the night before, more to kill time than because he was actually hungry.  That, at least, felt almost normal.  

Once he’d cleaned and walked laps around the house, he’d flipped the TV on, shutting it off only a few minutes later when nothing good was on, and then he’d turned on the radio, making sure not to turn it up loud enough that any of their neighbors would complain lest it get back to Darry.  Even if he wasn’t grounded, he still hated being stuck in the house, and wondered briefly if he could get away with going to see Rita. She wouldn’t rat him out, and no one would be around to see him since the guys were at school.  

And maybe he could talk to her about the rumble.

He wasn’t sure why he’d even thought that.  Sure, she was like family, but they hadn’t grown up together or anything.  They weren’t exactly close.  Talking to Soda about not wanting to fight in the rumble would make sense.  James had got it right off, so he knew Soda would understand.  Soda wouldn’t think he was a coward or nothing…he didn’t think any of his friends would.  Tim and his guys might, but Pony didn’t really care all that much what they thought…not when he rarely saw them.  

Still, the thought had been bugging him since the moment he’d learned about the rumble, keeping him away the night before when he’d laid in bed next to Soda, his brother’s breathing soft and even and reminding him that there was someone between him and the rest of the world who’d protect him if it ever came to it…who’d do anything to keep him safe.  He’d thought about how Soda always looked forward to rumbles, and about their friends who were the same, and he thought about Rita who had patched him up again and again…out of anyone, somehow, it seemed like she’d be able to understand the best.  

Not that he didn’t want to tell his brothers…but something inside him wanted to talk to her first.  Besides, he hadn’t seen her in a while.  

Dally snorted when he walked through the front door, catching the screen so it didn’t slam, and turned to Pony who was sitting upright and staring at him like an eager dog ready to go on a walk.  

“You ready to get out of here, kid?” he asked, bemused, and Pony was jumping up to get dressed before the words were fully out of his mouth.

While he was pulling his shoes on, Dallas threw back a bottle of Pepsi, leaning against the kitchen doorway.  “They really got you on lockdown, huh?”

“Soda’s scared that Bob’s going to show up or something.”

“Here?”  Dally lifted an eyebrow.  “Think he would?”

Pony shrugged.  “He’s telling everyone he’s gonna take care of me.  He’s pissed…especially after the locker room.”

“Heard you gave him another black eye at lunch.”

“He started it.” 

Dally grinned, looking proud.  “Yeah, and you finished it.  We’re going to show those assholes they can’t fuck with us.” 

Pony didn’t argue…didn’t remind him that their victories never lasted long, and that in the end, the socs always seemed to win.  Instead, he grabbed his blade and his wallet from his dresser, then hesitated, looking at his backpack.  “Can you drop me off at the school for track practice?”

“Thought you were suspended.”  

“Coach might not know…I don’t have his class.  He might let me run.”

Dally shrugged.  “Yeah, alright.  Now come on before I change my mind.”  Pony grinned, grabbing a change of clothes and stuffing them into his backpack.  “You act like I ain’t got better things to do than babysit you all day,” he grumbled, throwing an arm around Pony’s shoulders as he passed and digging his knuckles into his hair, making him laugh.  

Once in the car, Pony asked about the races, and Dal told him all about the fight he’d gotten into with that Johanson guy.  He told him about the other races too, and asked about what those socs were up to at school, looking madder by the second as Pony caught him up.

They stopped by the DX first so, as Dal put it, ‘your brother don’t have a heart attack if he tries to call the house’ and Soda grinned when he saw them come in the door, grabbing them both bottles of Pepsi.  They hung out by the counter for a bit, Dally and Soda talking about the rumble, before a guy from around town whose name Pony was pretty sure was Mack came in through the front.  

“Curtis?  Can you look at my car?  I think it’s the transmission.”

Soda nodded.  “Sure thing.  I’ll be right out.”  Then he turned to Pony, ruffling his short hair and grinning.  “I’ll see you tonight, okay?” 

Pony thought again about telling him he didn’t want to fight in the rumble. Later, he thought as he grinned, pushing his brother’s hand away and followed Dally out to his car.  He’d talk to Soda about it that night.  Ask if he really was being a coward.  

Back in the car, Pony turned to Dally, hoping he wasn’t pushing him too much by asking.  “Can we stop by Rita’s store?”

Dal gave him a considering look, then shrugged.  “Sure, kid.  Don’t know what you need girl clothes for, but I guess that’s your business.”  He chuckled when Pony punched his arm, shoving him away, but Pony couldn’t help noticing that Dally was careful with him in a way he rarely was with anyone else…maybe just Johnny.  

Speaking of Johnny, Pony wanted to catch up with him too.  Maybe after track practice, he thought, he could go to the store where he worked and tell him that he’d called James.  He’d leave out the part about James’s brother though…he didn’t know if James would want him telling people.  But, he realized, Dal must know.  They’d been friends for years.  

Voice quiet, he turned to his friend.  “Did you know James’s brother?”

Dally glanced at him, something passing over his face…something dark.  “Yeah.  I knew him.”

Pony nodded, not about to push anymore, but to his surprise, Dally kept going. 

“His old man killed both of them driving drunk.  Asshole.  Kid was only about twelve or thirteen.  Real smart.  Did good in school and all that shit.”  Dal glanced at him.  “He was like you.”

He wondered what Dally meant…if he was saying that James’s brother was smart like him, or liked to read like him, or quiet like him.  Or, like James had said, if he didn’t like fighting like him. 

“Kid died not too long after I moved back down here.  Maybe a year or two later.  Man, it messed James up.  He loved that kid.”  

Pony had to wonder, was that why Dally had been so confident sending him to New York?  Had he known that his friend would be reminded of his little brother?  That the resemblance would mean James would look out for him?

They pulled up to Rita’s store before Pony could even begin to figure out how to ask something like that, or if he should, and Dally parked in the back lot, the two of them jumping out of the car.  “I’m gonna get some smokes,” Dal told him as he jerked his head in the direction of the grocery store where Johnny worked.  

Pony nodded, the two of them splitting up.  The bell dinged as he opened the door to Rita’s store, and a salesgirl he didn’t recognize gave him a wary look as she took him in, probably thinking he was there to start trouble.  He put his hands in his pockets and grinned at her, trying to look less like a hoodlum, and to his surprise, her cheeks flushed a little, her suspicious gaze dropping.  

“Hi. Can I help you?”

“Yeah…I’m looking for Maggie,” he told her, grateful that she’d told him she went by something different at the store.  

“Oh…sure.  She’s doing inventory in the back.  I’ll get her.”  And with that, the girl hurried through a door behind the register, then returned with Rita who told her she was taking her break, a little smile on her face.  

They stepped into the alley where Pony guessed the girls took smoke breaks, only Rita didn’t smoke.  She grinned at him, crossing her arms and leaning on the building.  “When Sherri told me a cute boy was here to see me, I was sure it would be Keith.”

His ears went red and he gave her the best glare he could manage while she laughed.  

“I think she’s a bit old for you, but you could make it work.”

Pony rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t help the smile breaking through.  Her teasing was as strange as it was familiar…it was something Soda might say…something a big sister would for sure laugh about.  “Darry found himself a girl, or I might tell him to stop by.  Maybe she’d settle for him.”

“You look more like Soda, but he’s handsome too.”  She shrugged, pretending to consider it.  “How serious is he about his new girl?”

“They just met at the races, and I think he’s only called her once or twice.  I don’t think they’ve even been out.”

“Then there’s still hope for poor, love struck Sherri to get herself a Curtis boy.”  Rita smiled, and he wondered if he’d ever seen her smile in that house.

He sure was glad to see her smiling so much now.  If anyone deserved to be happy, it was her.  

“You ought to come over more,” he told her suddenly, feeling kind of sheepish.  He shouldn’t…it wasn’t like they hadn’t hung out, even outside of everything they’d been through together, but despite her telling him she wished he was her brother, and him assuring her that he was, it still felt like their relationship was impossible to really define.  

“I didn’t want to impose on your brothers.”

“You aren’t,” he assured her, shaking his head.  He thought about inviting her over for dinner or something that weekend, just to prove it.  The guys would probably all come around on Saturday evening and Darry would turn on a football game or something, and hopefully she’d feel comfortable there, especially since Two-Bit would be there…but then he remembered they’d all be bruised up from the rumble.

And that reminded him of why he’d wanted to talk to her.

“Did…uh…has Two-Bit told you what’s been going on?”

“Told me you got suspended for fighting,” she told him, nodding.  “He told me those rich boys are mad at you.  But not much else.”

“There’s going to be a rumble tomorrow night.  A fight…between us and them.”

“What happens if you win?”

“They leave us alone.”  Pony could hear the doubt in his own voice, and she thought for a minute.

“Does that usually work?”

“For a while.”  He shrugged, getting defensive without meaning to.  “There isn’t much else we can do.  Besides, my brothers and my friends…they like fighting.”

“But you don’t.”  

“I’ve fought in rumbles plenty of times,” he argued, not wanting her to think he was a coward.  But when he managed to meet her eyes, they were soft.

“I know you’re a good fighter, Ponyboy.  You’ve proven that over and over,” she murmured, and he nodded, swallowing hard.  But before she could say anything else, there were footsteps in the alley and they both turned to find Dally approaching, hands shoved in his pockets.  

“Hey, Rita.”

“Hi, Dally.”  She grinned at him.  “What are you two up to today?”

“Had to break the kid out of the house.  Darry’s got him on lockdown.”

“I heard.  Pony said you’re all going to rumble.”

“Yeah, man.  They ought to know better than to mess with Pony and Johnny!” Dal threw an arm around Pony’s shoulders and messed with his hair, making Rita laugh as he struggled to push him off.  

Unlike Cherry, Rita didn’t say anything about how they were rough, or that she hated fighting.  Pony figured she’d seen enough fighting to know it was necessary sometimes.  Hell, according to his brothers, she’d given her boyfriend a black eye before leaving him, so she’d learned to do some fighting of her own.

They let her get back to work, her promising to see them again soon, and Pony hoped she’d take him up on coming over more.  Dally took him to the diner to grab some lunch, then they snuck into a movie that was pretty much deserted. Pony doubted the guy working the counter would even care about them sneaking in since there were only one or two other people in the theater, but Dal didn’t like to do things the legal way.  They split a bag of popcorn and Dally even bought him a soda, waving him off when Ponyboy went to get some change from his pocket.

“Don’t worry about it, kid.  I’ll be hitting you up when this money runs out though,” he joked as he dropped into his seat, passing him the cup of soda.

Pony just grinned, figuring Dally would win more at his next race.

Once the movie was over, Dal headed to the school, pulling around to the back close to the track and parking, and Pony turned to him.  “Thanks, Dally.”

 “Yeah, alright.  I gotta split.  I’ll find Two-Bit and tell him to give you a ride home.”

“I don’t need…”

“Shut it, kid.  You sure as hell ain’t walking home.  You want Darry and Soda to kick my ass?”

Pony grinned.  “You could take them.”

“The hell I could,” he snorted. “Go on.  If he won’t let you run, wait for Two-Bit to give you a ride.  You dig?”

“Sure, Dal.”

Dally rolled his eyes at his tone but didn’t get on him, just waved him off as Pony jumped out of the car and headed to the locker room where he could hopefully get changed and take his mind off the rumble for a while.  

None of his team mates said anything about him being suspended, but a few lifted an eyebrow or gave him knowing grins.  They obviously weren’t going to rat him out, though.  

“Think he’ll let me run?” Pony asked one of the guys as they made their way out to the track. 

“You’re one of the top five runners on the team.  He’d be stupid not to.”

When he reached the track, all of them lining up, Coach’s eyes lingered on him for a second, but he didn’t say anything in the end…just had them start with warm ups, then had them run.  And Pony was more grateful than he could say.  He just wanted to forget…wanted to run until he didn’t have to think about Bob Sheldon or the rumble or worrying his brothers over any of this…he wanted things to be normal.

And running felt normal.  Beating all but one of the guys on the team on the mile felt even better than normal.  So did laughing and joking around with his teammates as they all made their way to the locker room.  Coach told them they were ready for their first meet, and Pony was glad to have something else to focus on.  In the light of day, surrounded by his friends on the track team, he felt kind of dumb for worrying so much over the last couple of days.  He even pulled his shirt off without thinking, not realizing what he’d done until he’d stepped under the spray of the shower.  The other guys didn’t even glance at him, and he realized, once he’d grabbed a towel to dry off, that they’d already seen his arms, and it wasn’t like he was the only kid in the school who’d ever been belted.  The scars on his back were still there…but no one was staring.

Pony was still the last one out of the room, though.  The other guys had all rushed off, some of them waving and congratulating him on their way out.  There were only a couple of socs on the team, and even they were friendly enough.  Most of the guys were just that…middle class, normal guys.  Greasers didn’t usually go out for team sports.  Still, he didn’t have to worry about any of them jumping him, so he wasn’t on guard as he got dressed, running a comb through his short hair and wiping a towel over his face.  He wished he’d grabbed an extra sweatshirt or something, since his light jacket wasn’t really enough for the October cold.  

Wondering if Dally had gotten the message to Two-Bit that he needed a ride home, or if he should risk walking rather than bugging Soda or even trying to reach Johnny to walk with him, Pony started towards the exit, throwing his backpack over his shoulder.  He’d glanced at the bleachers a few times while he’d been running, but every time he’d checked, they’d been empty, so he wondered if Dal had managed to find Two-Bit.  Pony was so lost in thought that he didn’t see the person he bumped into on his way out the door until they were shoving him away.

He caught his balance on the wet floor, taking a step back and kicking a discarded towel out of the way, the words escaping before he could censor himself.  “Are you fucking kidding me?  What the hell do you want, man?”

Bob crossed his arms, grinning and looking smug.  “What?  Ain’t so tough without your buddies to back you up?”

“I kicked your ass in the last locker room we were in, and I didn’t have anybody backing me up then,” Pony reminded him, hackles still up, but he didn’t make a move.  Maybe Bob would just want to talk some shit and leave.  Maybe Pony could buy himself some time before Two-Bit showed up.  Maybe this would be fine…maybe.  “How’d you even know I was here, man?”

Bob grinned, the smile mean.  “Everybody knows they let you on the track team for some reason.  I saw Winston drop you off.”

“You know Dally?”

“I know he’s greaser trash like you,” he said with a smirk.

Pony gave him a cold smile, thinking about the stories Dal had told him…the things he’d done.  “He’s even meaner than my brother, and you got a good look at my brother, right?  They’ll hurt you a lot worse than I did when we rumble.”

For a second, Bob seemed to consider that.  Then he dropped his arms to his sides, stance ready, hands balled into fists.  “You think a rumble’s gonna solve this, Curtis?”

No, he wanted to say, suddenly feeling older than he was…old and tired.  I don’t.  Because you’ll always be an asshole and I’ll probably always be some version of poor.  But he kept his mouth shut.  It wouldn’t do any good to try and reason with him.  “No fighting before the rumble.  Don’t you know the rules?”

Bob snorted.  “A greaser lecturing me about rules?”  He took a step forward.  “We don’t need to rumble.  I’m going to solve this right now.”

Pony moved on instinct, ducking the swing and throwing a punch of his own.  It glanced of his shoulder, not doing much, and Bob swung around with a fist that knocked him upside the head, making him take a few steps back, stumbling a little over the towel he’d kicked out of the way.

This wasn’t life or death, he reminded himself.  It was just a fight.  He didn’t need to freak out.  He wasn’t protecting anyone…just himself.  He managed to bring a hand up to his temple, wiping away a trail of blood left by his class ring, right before Bon charged at him, tackling them both to the ground.

They grappled on the floor, Pony managing to get a few punches in between the ones Bob threw, but it wasn’t until Pony was able to get a knee up, slamming it into the older boy’s stomach, that he was able to get the upper hand.  He pinned Bob to the floor, getting a good shot right at his nose and wincing when Bob’s head smacked the floor, the sound pulling him out of the moment as Bob squirmed underneath him.

He didn’t want to do this…he didn’t want to hurt anyone.  He didn’t want to fight.  He just wanted things to be normal again.  To feel safe.  To have Rita over and write to Sue and run track…to finish school and go to college and get away from all this.

So he pulled away.

“Look, we don't…”

Pony was just starting to get off him…to put an end to this, when something sharp pinched him, and he looked down to find Bob, his eyes wide and shocked, and a knife sticking out of his stomach.

“Fuck,” Bob whispered, looking less like a mean soc and more like a scared teenager.  And through the roaring of blood in his ears, Pony got it…he’d thought Pony was going to keep hitting him like he had in that last locker room. 

He’d been protecting himself.  

For him, it had been life or death.

Ponyboy pushed himself off of Bob, crumbling onto his side when he tried to sit up and staring up at the soc who stood, backing away from him and shaking his head, maybe regretting it, or maybe just thinking about how big Darry was..maybe even remembering all the stories he’d heard about Dallas Winston.  The knife was in his hand again, blood dripping from the blade, and Pony felt weak all of a sudden, like he had when he’d been sick in New York.  Like even keeping his eyes open wouldn’t be possible after long.  And Bob was backing away, looking more horrified than Pony felt.

Honestly, Pony just felt numb.

“I didn’t mean to…”. Bob trailed off, looking sick and shaking his head, and Pony nodded a little, feeling stupid but needed him to know that he got it…that he understood what it was like to be so afraid you’d do anything to protect yourself.  

Hell, he might have done the same thing.

Still, those words took him back to when this had all begun for a second.

“I didn’t mean to!”

“That’s all I ever hear from you!”

How’s that for full circle, he thought, trying to press a hand to his stomach, but he couldn’t feel his hands anymore.  Bob turned then, shoving his blade into his pocket and making a run for it.

And Pony rolled over onto his back, managing to bring a weak hand to his stomach, trying and failing to stop the bleeding as terror tried to break through his numb shock.

So this was how it would happen.  Not Richard.  He’d been so sure that it would be Richard.  And there was no Rita to patch him up, or to sit with him, almost never touching him, but sitting close enough that he knew she was there.  No Darry and Soda to protect him…he’d never get to tell them how much he loved them, and how much they meant to him.  

How Soda was his best friend in the world.  

How he looked at Darry and thought of their dad.

But they knew, he tried to tell himself as the pain faded.  They all knew. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” a familiar voice demanded, and Pony smiled faintly to hear it.  

Well, he thought, at least he wouldn’t die alone.

Chapter Text

"You seen Two-Bit?"

Steve turned around, surprised to see Dally of all people in the school hallway. He threw his math textbook into his locker and shut it, shaking his head. "He's going to give Johnny a ride to work and take Rita out after she gets off. Why?"

Dal swore under his breath. "Kid needs a ride after track and I've got to get back to Buck's."

"Ponyboy? Thought he was suspended." In fact, Steve knew he was, and when he saw Bob Sheldon at the rumble, he was going to make sure that soc knew what happened when he messed with one of theirs. Especially Ponyboy.

Irritated with his own protectiveness over the kid, he leaned against the locker.

"Kid figured the coach would let him run anyway. I guess he did."

It was Steve's turn to swear. He really needed to get to the DX…but he also couldn't let that kid walk home alone. Not now…he didn't trust Bob Sheldon as far as he could throw him, and if he laid one more finger on Soda's little brother, Steve would break all ten of them.

"Track lasts an hour, right? Hour and a half? I'm gonna go clock in, but I'll pick the kid up and run him home when practice is over."

Apparently accepting that, Dally nodded. "Alright, man. I'll be working late tonight. See you around." With a wave, he was off, and Steve booked it to the DX, throwing his hat on at the last second as he hurried through the front door to clock in.

Tony at the register gave him a look. "Where's the fire, Randle?"

Rolling his eyes and trying not to notice that Tony smelled like a liquor store, he headed out back to find Soda under a car. If Tony kept it up, he'd be out of a job and then they'd be short staffed. But Steve figured that wasn't his problem…he couldn't exactly make the guy quit drinking.

"Your kid brother's a pain in my ass, you know that?" he asked Soda, picking up where he'd left off on an old pickup truck that really needed a new engine, but would have to make do with some repairs since the guy that owned it was broke.

"What'd he do now?" Soda asked with a laugh, not making any move to climb out from under the car. He was used to Steve complaining about Pony, and these days, it wasn't usually real serious anyway. "He wasn't even at school today."

"Dal took him to track practice. Coach let him run, so I've gotta duck out here in about an hour to give him a ride home."

"Two-Bit can't do it?"

"He's with Rita. Guess she got off early or something." Honestly, Two-Bit and Rita wouldn't have minded picking him up, Steve was sure, and he'd thought about calling the store where she worked and asking. But it wasn't that big a deal, he reasoned. No need for them to interrupt their date when Steve could run down and give him a ride. It wouldn't take more than twenty minutes, tops. "Think you can cover for me?"

"Sure. You want me to do it? I don't mind."

"Nah. It's fine." Steve shrugged him off.

"We really appreciate it, buddy. Me and Darry…you know?"

Steve waved his thanks away. "Don't get used to it. I ain't a taxi service."

His friend laughed. "You want to know what I think?"

"No."

"I think my little brother's growing on you."

He rolled his eyes, biting back a remark about how the kid just didn't get on his nerves much anymore. Was that because Ponyboy was growing up? Or because he still had that look sometimes…like someone being hunted?

He was still considering it as he climbed out of his car and headed for the track an hour later. He'd managed to get some work done, and Soda had promised to cover for him with their boss if he checked in on them, which didn't happen all that often. He'd also offered again to take Steve's car and take his kid brother home himself, but between the two of them, their boss would definitely notice if Soda disappeared.

A few guys on the team passed by him on their way to the parking lot, some of them waving. He caught one guy he vaguely recognized, stopping to ask if he'd seen Ponyboy, but before he could even open his mouth, the guy jerked his head towards the out building with the locker rooms.

"Curtis is still here. He's getting dressed."

"Thanks man."

"Sure thing. Heard what happened with Sheldon. He's been saying he's going to teach Curtis a lesson."

"He's all talk. We ain't gonna let him hurt that kid," Steve dismissed.

The guy, Jim something or another he remembered suddenly, nodded and left with a wave, looking almost relieved. Was Bob really shooting his mouth off that much?

The coach was picking up cones on the far side of the field, paying him no mind as he made his way over to the bleachers to wait. Then, when it was too cold with the wind blowing and making him wish he'd grabbed a jacket, he went to wait by the door of the locker room instead where he was at least somewhat shielded from the wind. He was about to go in after the kid himself and remind him that some of them had jobs to get back to, when Bob Sheldon of all people came running out of the building, stopping short when he saw him.

Bob was pale, like he'd seen a ghost, and for a second Steve wondered if the kid had gotten a hold of him again…but if he had, why would he have stopped? The last time it had happened, Pony had kept going, and would have until someone stopped him or he snapped out of it. Besides, he didn't look too much worse for wear, despite his fading bruises.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Steve demanded, more confused than angry for the moment, until he looked down and saw blood on his shirt.

Ponyboy.

The alarm went off in his brain like a tornado siren, putting him on high alert as he shoved past Sheldon who took off again without saying anything. Only two steps into the locker room, he froze, mouth dropping open as he stared for what he knew was too long.

Pony was on the ground, a growing red stain spreading over his white t-shirt and dripping onto the concrete floor beneath him. He was so pale he looked dead, and some awful, logical part of Steve's mind warned him that if he wasn't, he would be soon.

That last thought snapped him out of it, and he dropped to his knees at the kid's side, jeans instantly soaked by the puddle of blood as he shook his shoulder and swore, biting out words he'd rarely even heard Dallas use when he didn't respond.

"Kid! Ponyboy!" He half screamed, and his eyes finally fluttered open, cloudy with pain, so obviously afraid that it hurt to look at him. "Ponyboy, hey, stay awake, okay?" he ordered, feeling his own hands start to shake as he pressed them against his stomach, blood seeping through his fingers.

He'd stabbed him in the stomach. Steve wasn't a doctor but he knew that wasn't good.

"Steve?" the kid rasped, voice barely there.

"Yeah…hang on, okay? I'm gonna…" he looked around, feeling helpless. Where was the nearest payphone? "Fuck! Kid…I've gotta…I've gotta call for help, okay? We…Pony!" he interrupted himself, pressing harder, but the kid didn't even flinch, just stared at him, his lips trembling like a little kid.

He was just a kid.

He was only fifteen! Hadn't he been through enough without goddamn Bob Sheldon pulling this shit?

"You're alright, kid. Hang on. Can…can you hold this?" he asked, grabbing a discarded, slightly damp towel from the ground and pressing it to his stomach. Grabbing Ponyboy's hand, he tried to get him to press down, but the kid couldn't do it. Instead, his eyes strayed to the ceiling, unfocused and afraid.

"Is…is he here?" he asked, a tear falling down his cheek, and Steve wanted to slam his fist through a locker.

"Who, kid? Bob?"

"Richard," he choked out, a fear like Steve had never heard in his voice.

It took Steve a second to remember the name, but he shook his head. "No…fuck no, kid. That asshole's in jail, remember?" The blood was soaking the towel too fast and he was terrified to leave the kid on the floor and terrified to stay, watching him bleed out.

"I…I always thought it would be him. I thought he'd kill me," the kid whispered, another tear falling, and Steve put as much pressure as he dared on Ponyboy's stomach.

"Help!" he screamed,his own hysterical voice reminding him of something from a movie. "Somebody help! God…somebody!" The kid shuddered and Steve pressed a little harder, desperate to keep that blood inside him. "You ain't gonna die, Ponyboy. You hear me?"

"I wanted to," the kid admitted, the limp hand that had been resting on the towel falling to the floor with a soft thud.

"I need some fucking help in here! Goddamnit!" He shook his head, trying not to take in what the kid was saying. He couldn't stand it…couldn't stand to hear that Ponyboy Curtis, Soda's baby brother, had wanted that asshole to kill him…that it had been that bad. "You've gotta hold on for a second, okay? Ponyboy! You…"

"Sorry…about your nose." He shuddered like he was cold, and before Steve could yell at him to shut up, he went on. "Tell…Soda…"

Steve went absolutely still as the kid's head rolled to the side, voice trailing off and his eyes going blank right before they closed.

"No…no, no, no…fuck! Ponyboy!"

Knowing he had to take the risk, he jumped to his feet, sprinting out of the locker room and out to the track. The coach was halfway across the field, still picking up cones, and Steve cupped his hands over his mouth. "Coach! Hey!" he screamed, knowing he sounded desperate and insane but not caring as he waved his hands over his head. The man looked up and started hurrying towards him, meeting him halfway as he sprinted across the track.

"Ponyboy! Bob stabbed him! I've got to go for help! Locker room!" he bit out, still yelling despite the fact that the coach was right in front of him, but he didn't care, turning and taking off for the school where he knew the exact location of the closest payphone.

Ponyboy was definitely the fastest runner of the group. Steve didn't think even Darry could beat him in a race, much less any of the rest of them. But as he ran for the payphone, he probably could have given the kid a run for his money.

He could hardly breathe by the time he'd reached the payphone outside the school, hands shaking while he dialed the operator. When she answered, it was a struggle to keep from screaming. "I need an ambulance! Bob Sheldon stabbed him! He stabbed Ponyboy Curtis! At the high school! I need an ambulance!"

It felt like it took forever for her to connect him to someone who could help, and he had to explain twice to the guy that finally answered that he didn't know if the kid was still breathing because he wasn't with him because there weren't any fucking pay phones in the locker rooms.

It felt like it took hours for the ambulance to arrive, but he stayed on the phone, answering every question he could and trying not to bite the guy's head off in the meantime. When it finally got there, he pointed the guys with the stretcher toward the outbuilding where he could only pray that the coach had managed to keep Ponyboy alive. He didn't follow, though. Even as he berated himself for not following, if the kid was dead…

If Ponyboy had been bleeding to death while he'd been complaining about how cold he was just a few feet away…

He leaned over, hands on his knees, and swallowed hard to keep himself from throwing up in the bushes. It took a couple of seconds of deep breathing to calm down, but they were seconds he didn't have! Swallowing again, he dug in his pocket for another dime that he dropped into the coin slot, dialing the familiar DX number.

"DX, this is Tony. How can I…"

"It's Steve, man. Get Soda. Now," he barked, stunned that he hadn't started crying…that his voice sounded normal. He looked down at his hands then for the first time and his stomach rolled. They were covered in blood…it caked his skin and crusted under his fingernails, and he retched, losing his lunch in the grass by the pay phone.

Ponyboy was dying. His blood was all over Steve's hands. What if he died? What if he was already dead?

"Hello? Hello!" the voice from the phone called, and Steve grabbed for it, trying not to look at his hands as he answered.

"Soda?" he asked, not knowing how to deliver this message…not knowing how to say this. Not after everything. His voice was shaking, and of course Soda knew something was wrong with just one word.

"What? What happened? Are you okay?" he demanded, and Steve had to believe that the only reason he wasn't demanding to know if the kid was okay was because he was afraid to.

"It's the kid…Bob…he stabbed him," Steve whispered, not able to speak any louder, his voice hoarse from the tears that suddenly wouldn't stop.

"What?" Soda started, bewildered, but Steve went on, cutting him off.

"The ambulance is here and…"

"Where?" Soda spoke so softly Steve almost didn't hear him, and he could picture his friend's face, too pale like the kid's. How the hell were Soda and Darry supposed to survive losing him again? For good this time? Just the thought made his tears fall faster and he struggled to keep himself under control.

"The locker room by…"

"No! No…where…where did he stab him, Steve?" Soda half screamed, and Steve knew he was crying. He knew that his friend couldn't take this…not Ponyboy. Not the kid.

"His stomach."

Soda was quiet for a long time. Too long. Steve almost thought he'd hung up. But then he spoke again, tears choking him as he tried to get the words out. "Go with him? To the hospital? Please? I've…I've got to get Darry…I don't want…I don't want him to be alone again…"

Steve pressed a fist to his mouth when his friend's voice broke. "I'm going. I'll go with him. I won't leave him. Get Darry. I'll get a hold of everyone else from the hospital," Steve promised, hanging up a second later and sprinting towards the paramedics who were carrying the gurney back to the ambulance.

"I'm going with him!" Steve shouted, glancing back and catching sight of the track coach. Even from where he stood, he could see the red staining his hands which hung limp at his sides.

The paramedics warned him to stay out of the way, and Steve pressed himself as close to the wall as he could get by Ponyboy's head, reaching out and gripping his shoulder. The siren was so loud his head hurt, and he couldn't look at the kid's face or his own hands, so he just shut his eyes, but even that didn't stop the tears running down his face.

It wasn't fair.

It wasn't fucking fair!

"Pony? Kid, don't…don't die, okay? Just…fucking…hang on. You gotta tell Soda whatever it was you wanted to tell him…"

When he opened his eyes, just for a second, they had pressed a mask attached to a bag over his mouth and nose and one of them was squeezing it. Pony didn't react…didn't even twitch.

"You can't leave your brothers, kid. They can't…they can't take it. Not this…they can't live without you, Ponyboy. You gotta know that."

Nothing. Steve wiped a hand roughly over his face.

"And…and you gotta keep writing that girl. God, I never thought I'd see the day Ponyboy Curtis got a girl. What the hell are we supposed to tell her, huh? And Rita…"

Shit, he thought, Rita. Rita, who had been with him in that house. And Two-Bit. He'd have to call Two-Bit. The last time Pony had been lost to them, Two had jumped headfirst into a bottle, and it had taken Susie getting hurt to pull him out. What would happen now? And what about Dally? And James? James had looked out for the kid. Had let him crash and had protected him in New York.

What would any of them do without this kid?

"Please, kid," he muttered, not caring if the paramedics heard him. "Please…you know I don't beg for shit, Ponyboy Curtis, but I'll beg for this. Don't do this. Please."

They wouldn't let him go back with Ponyboy when they got to the hospital, and he didn't try. He just stood at the double doors that swung back and forth with the momentum of being shoved open with the gurney, watching through the gap in the doors as they wheeled him away until the doors settled and he couldn't see him anymore. And then he just kept standing there, tears running down his face, not caring that he didn't look like a tough greaser…not caring that he was crying in public.

Had Ponyboy known he was with him? Or had he thought he was alone, like he'd been in that house?

Steve called Dally first, staring at the wall and whispering the story through his tears. He didn't care if Dal knew he was crying. He'd see for himself as soon as he showed up, and Steve knew he would show up, work or no work. Dally made all sorts of promises about the things he was going to do to Bob Sheldon, but Steve couldn't bring himself to care.

Why hadn't he let Ponyboy come with them to that game a year ago? So what if they were taking girls? He wouldn't have gotten in the way. It would have been fine!

He called Johnny's store next, blurting out the news, and Johnny hung up almost before he could finish, telling him that he was on his way. Johnny had gone with him to New York. He'd seen the kid right after the asshole had killed his foster sister. He'd helped him through those months away from his family. He'd left everyone behind to be with the kid.

Why hadn't Steve noticed that Pony had been fighting more with Darry? Why hadn't he looked at the kid, really looked, and seen that something was wrong? That those two were going to blow up?

Two-Bit went deathly quiet when he finally got him on the phone, and he stayed quiet for so long that Rita eventually grabbed it. They were at his house, probably so that Rita could get changed before they went out. Steve had been lucky to catch them, only he didn't feel lucky.

"Hello? Seve? Is that you?" Rita asked, sounding concerned.

"Yeah."

"What happened? Is everyone okay?"

He repeated the same words he'd said so many times that he was almost numb to them. "Bob stabbed Ponyboy. We're at the hospital."

The noise she made was anguished…the soft gasping cry of someone who can't bear to lose even one more person. He didn't know much about Rita, but he knew she'd been in foster care for a long time, so she'd lost her family one way or another. He knew that she'd lived in that house with Lianne and those guys, and however she'd felt about them, she'd lost all of them in one way or another. And he knew that Ponyboy was the only person who'd ever protected her from Richard.

Now she might lose him too.

He thought about calling Tim…telling him that the rumble was off. That Bob Sheldon was the one they wanted…that they didn't give a shit about anyone else. But that wasn't his call to make. It was Darry's.

Steve sat down. Vaguely, he was aware of Darry storming past him, demanding answers the nurses didn't have, and Soda dropping into a chair beside him, face in his hands as he sobbed. He heard Dally's swearing as he threw himself into another chair close by, and Johnny sitting down across from him, crossing his arms tight and looking shaky like he had after he'd gotten jumped the year before. He glanced up and watched Two-Bit sit down beside Johnny, Rita on his other side, her hands clasped in her lap as if in prayer, her eyes shut, head bowed. Two-Bit didn't touch her, but he shot her worried looks every few seconds, his own hands clasped together.

It took him almost a full five minutes after everyone had sat down, gathered in the waiting room to see if the kid was going to live, before he could make himself talk.

"Soda?"

Soda looked up, eyes red-rimmed and still streaming with tears. Darry sat beside him, head in his hands, not looking at any of them. He remembered how Darry had been when he'd thought Pony was dead…

This, Steve thought, might just be the thing that did Superman in.

"He…he wanted me to tell you something. But he…passed out before he could tell me." Steve didn't know why he was telling him that but he went on anyway. "He said, 'tell Soda…'"

Tell him what?

That he loved him? That Soda was the person he loved most in the world. That Pony was sorry this had happened?

Steve had heard the story before…if he'd heard it once, he'd heard it a million times. Pony's first word was 'mama.' His second word was 'da.' His third was ''oda.'

And now it might be his last.

It was fitting. Soda was the one he'd followed around ever since he could walk. Soda was the one he talked to. The one he looked up to. Him and Darry both…but Soda was special.

He should have let Soda get him. Should have offered to let him borrow his car. Because Soda would have gone into the locker room sooner. He would have known right off that something was wrong. He would have known his kid brother was dying just a few feet away.

At least, Steve told himself as he pushed himself to his feet, the kid hadn't been alone. At least he had been there.

He shoved the door to the bathroom open, dropping to his knees and losing what little food was left in him into the toilet, the food and bile burning his throat as he threw up.

Then he scrubbed his hands until every last fleck of blood was gone, and his hands were raw and sore.

Chapter Text

When Ponyboy opened his eyes, it was because the light above him was shining so brightly that it hurt even with them closed.  The first thing he saw was the sky, bright blue with fluffy clouds floating lazily by, and he frowned, pushing himself up onto his elbows.  He was…outside.  But he didn’t remember going outside.  Actually, come to think of it, he didn’t remember much of anything.  He was laying by the road, he realized, which didn’t really make sense.  Sometimes he went out to the backyard and sat on the porch, or even read under the tree when it was warm enough, but surely one of his brothers would wake him up if he fell asleep outside beside the street.  They’d get real freaked out if they saw him just laying by the road like this.  Besides, he didn’t see their fence.  

The only other place he might fall asleep outside was behind the bar, but that didn’t make sense either.  He wasn’t in Richard’s house anymore.  He was with his family…he was home.  So he wouldn’t be out beside the bar.  There wasn’t a street out there, anyway…just trees.  

So where was he?

Blinking in confusion, he started to stand, then froze when he caught sight of his arms.

There were no scars on his arms.  He ran a finger over his skin, to just make sure, and sure enough, his skin was smooth.  Unblemished.  No raised cigarette burns.  Giving a disbelieving little laugh, he climbed to his feet.  At first, he worried that he was hurt.  His stomach hurt a little, and he pressed a hand to it, but that didn’t make it any worse.  Maybe he just had a stomach ache.  Or maybe he’d eaten something bad.  It didn’t seem particularly important.  

“Look who finally showed up.”

Pony spun around, heart stuttering to a stop for a second when he realized where he was.  The porch he’d spent so much time on.  The old run down house with the sagging roof and the railing with the peeling paint.  

Richard’s house.

And leaning on that railing, a cigarette in hand, was Lianne.

Just like his dreams.

She grinned at him, taking a long drag of her cigarette like this was just a normal day.  Like she was fine.  “Hey, Ponyboy,” she greeted, voice warm.

“Li,” he whispered, his hands starting to shake like Ricahrd was there.  “You…you shouldn’t smoke on the porch.  If he sees you…”

“He ain’t here, don’t worry.”  

She looked just the same…her hair pulled back, her glittering eyes reminding him of Dal, and he felt a tear run down his face, then another.  They couldn’t be here…they couldn’t be at this house.  He was home with his brothers, right?  He’d gone to New York and then he’d gone home!  He remembered all that!  It had been real!  He’d hugged his brothers in that park when he’d gotten back, and he’d yelled at Soda and he’d talked to that therapist.

He’d gone to the movies with the guys and had hung out with Rita and…

And Li…

The hand over her mouth.

The knife.

The hole behind the bar, already dug.

“What’s going on?” he asked, his voice refusing to come out as more than a whisper, and she dropped the cigarette onto the porch, stomping it out with her old tennis shoe.  “Li…you…that night behind the bar…”

“I know,” she assured him, apparently bitter at the reminder.  “I remember.  He almost got you too, huh?”  When he just stared at her, she touched her own face in the place where his scar should have been, tapping her fingers against her own unblemished skin.

“I’m sorry,” he blurted, more tears falling that he couldn’t stop.  How many times had he wished for the chance to speak to her again?  To apologize?  So he did, not caring that he was sobbing.  “Li…God…Li I’m so sorry.  I should have…I should have stopped him.  I…”

“You couldn’t have stopped him, Ponyboy,” she told him, shaking her head and scoffing a little, seemingly unbothered by his tears.  “Shit, there were what, six of them?  Seven?  That cop he used to bring to dinner sometimes too.  He would have killed you.”

“Then I should have let him!  I should have at least tried!  I didn’t even try!”

“Don’t be stupid,” she ordered, voice kind of hard like it got when she was ready to fight.  She’d been stubborn from the start, but he couldn’t stop the words pouring out of him anymore than he’d been able to stop them in the living room with his brothers…how long ago had that been?

“It should have been me!  Li…I should have protected you!”

“You did protect me.”

He shook his head and she clenched her hands into fists, looking mad all of a sudden as she dropped her cigarette and stomped it out under her shoe.

“You did!  More than anyone else ever did!  So don’t you say you didn’t!”  she ordered, pointing a finger at him.  “You did everything you could!  Hell, you saved Rita’s life!  She’s happy now!  Her and that friend of yours.  She’s never been happy like this.”

“I should have done more,” he whispered, wiping uselessly at his face.  

“He would have killed you, and that would have killed your brothers and you know it.”  Li jerked her head for her to join her and he obeyed, climbing the steps to the old porch and standing in front of her.  Her eyes were softer than her words, her lips curved up in a smile that was older than her thirteen years.  “I’ve kept tabs on you, you know?  You and your brothers.  They’re pretty cool.  Your friends too.”  He just stood there, looking down at her and crying, not able to stop, so she reached out, her hands slipping into his.  

She was here.  How was she here?  How was he at this house?  Darry and Soda would never let him come back here, especially not alone. 

“You’re doing good, you know?  School and running…and the way you helped Rita with her asshole ex-boyfriend.”

When he still didn’t respond, she surged forward, wrapping her arms around him and making him notice for the first time how much worse his stomach hurt.  Still, he hugged her, something he’d never done when she’d been alive.  

“You were the closest thing I ever had to family.  You were like my big brother.”

He had known…he’d known that he was like her family because that’s what she’d been to him!  And he’d known that big brothers protected their little siblings, no matter what.  It was what Soda and Darry had always done…the example they’d always set.  “I think I was your big brother.  Legally,” he whispered, and she laughed, squeezing him and making his stomach hurt worse.  He didn’t care though…not when he was finally getting this chance.

They stood there on that crumbling porch where they’d both had cigarettes put out on their arms for what felt like hours, holding each other close.  He didn’t hear anyone in the house, and Richard’s truck wasn’t in the driveway, so he figured they were safe.  Surely Richard couldn’t get them here…right?  That wouldn’t make sense.  Then again, nothing about this made sense.  She was dead.  And he was home.

Wasn’t he?

 “Why are we here?” he finally asked.  “What is this place?”

She hesitated, then shrugged.  “It’s where I live.  You’ve gotta stay here for a little while.  But then you can go home.”

He looked at the house then, stomach flipping at just the sight of the front door.  “I don’t want to go inside.”

“You don’t have to.  I didn’t mean here here.  Come on,” she ordered, and he followed, taking the hand she offered, and together, they started down the familiar road they’d walked so many times on their way to school.

The edges of this place were blurry, and if he looked too long at anything, the details started to get fuzzy, but he found he didn’t care all that much.  He just walked, hand in hand with Li, like they were little kids scared to get separated.  Hansel and Gretel, he thought, then shuddered when he remembered what had happened to them in the story.

In less time than it should have taken them, they were standing in front of the bar that was burned into his memories, and he shook his head.  “Li…I don’t want to go back there.”

She squeezed his hand.  “It’s okay,” she assured him gently, not stopping as she pulled him along like a toddler, his dread curling up in his stomach like a lead weight.  It was like it was all happening again…that night…and he felt like he might throw up.

“No…they…they’re back there!  They’ve already dug the hole!  They’re waiting for us!”

“No they aren’t.  They can’t come here.”

“How come?”

“Because they aren’t dead.”

Her words stopped him in his tracks, jaw dropping open, and she turned to look up at him, pity in her eyes.  He’d known, of course, that she was dead.  He’d watched her die, after all.  But…was he?  How?  How could he be dead?  Pony searched his memory, trying to bring back the last thing he remembered, but his mind drew a blank.  

“What?” he settled on asking, and she squeezed his hand in comfort, pulling him along again.  This time, he went dumbly, the two of them stepping around the bar to the back, following the same worn dirt path he’d taken so many times.  How many hours had he spent out here, reading or huddling against the wall, trying to keep warm and wishing one of his brothers would appear.  Sometimes he had closed his eyes and wished so hard that it had almost felt real.

If I keep my eyes closed long enough, Darry will show up.  Or Soda.  Hell, I’ll take Steve.  Anyone…please…anyone.

The field behind the bar had been a safe place until that night…a place where Richard never came to find him, and where no one bothered him.  But that was before.  Now when he thought of that bar, he thought of Lianne screaming…of the men crowded around her.  Of the knife…

But when he stepped around the last corner and past the trash cans, there was no hole. No makeshift grave.  No Richard or his friends.

It was just a field, filled with wildflowers and bees and butterflies that fluttered around.  The field backed up to the forest where he’d spent those long cold nights, but now it was warm.  The sun shone down on them as she led him to the middle of it all and sat down, then lay on her back and smiled up at him.

“Sit down.  You’re going to be here for a while.”

Even the beauty of the scene couldn’t distract him for long, but he sat, crossing his legs and staring down at her.  “Am I dead?”

She hesitated.  “Not…really.  You’re just hurt.”  

“But…how…how can you be here?”

Lianne was unconcerned.  “Don’t worry about it.  You won’t be able to leave for a while anyway…not until you’re better.”

“What happened?”

“I didn’t catch all the details,” she told him with a little shrug.  “You got into it with some guy…you all sure get into a lot of fights, huh?”

“It ain’t our fault.  Those socs are always after us.”

She rolled over, unconcerned, and together they watched a frog hop through the grass.  Figuring he might as well be comfortable while he waited, he lay on his stomach beside her to get a better look. It wasn’t like any frog he’d ever seen…it was an electric blue with black spots, and it was smaller than the frogs he’d seen before.  He wondered if it was something she’d made up…could she do that?  Was this place even real?  Could it be a dream?

“How long do I have to stay?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted.  “Not forever…time’s different here.”  He gave her a disbelieving look and she snorted.  “I know…it took a while to get used to.  But it’s alright.  You’re gonna get to go back.”

“But not you?”

“Nope.”  She grinned up at him.  “But I don’t mind.  This place ain’t so bad…I kind of like it.  It’s a lot better than that place ever was.”

“Can you…can you make this place look like…anywhere?”

“Anywhere I’ve been.  Usually it’s the house I grew up in.  There were lots of squirrels there, and I used to try to catch one.  Now I can.”  She grinned at that, proud.  “I watch you guys too.  And Rita.  I can only get glimpses, but I can see people I’ve met.”  

“What about your family?” he asked, voice low, and her eyes darkened a little.

“There aren’t many of them left, and I don’t care what they’re doing.  I could watch Richard if I wanted…”

“He’s in prison,” Pony told her.

“Did you have to testify?”

“I just told the cop what happened.  Rita did too.  There was enough evidence that we didn’t have to go to the trial.  I don’t think my brothers would have wanted me to have to see him.”

The frog finally hopped out of sight and she rolled back over to look at the clouds again, and he followed suit.  He’d thought he’d be bored, but he was suddenly real tired, and he flinched when his stomach gave an awful stab of pain.  She glanced over at him, watching as he pressed a hand to where it felt like someone was stabbing him.  

“I wasn’t watching, but that guy with you was real upset.  I could sort of see him since he was with you.  Rita’s been crying a lot…so have your brothers.  They’re all together.  The one who's dating Rita wanted to go drink, but he didn’t.”

“He doesn’t drink much anymore.”

She nodded, and he wondered if she knew why.  He was tired though, his eyes heavy despite the sun shining down on them.

“You can sleep if you want.  No one can bug us here.”

He wanted to ask her so many things…if she ever got lonely here.  If she could ever visit anyone else.  

If he was going to die.

But before he could, he drifted off, the warm sun beating down on him, and his stomach throbbing with pain.

“You can’t do this, you hear me, Ponyboy?”  

Pony flinched at the raw anger in that voice, eyes flying open, and for a second, he worried that Richard was around…but that wasn’t Richard talking.  Hell, Richard never said his name.  Not ever.  And…and Richard was in prison, right?  That’s what he’d told Lianne.  

At the memory of her, he turned his head to find her beside him, the two of them still in that field, so pretty it might be a painting.  He wondered if he could ever draw something like this…if he’d ever be able to get it on paper.  

For a second, he listened for that voice again…the one that sounded so familiar.  But the field was quiet.

“How long was I asleep?” he wondered, rubbing his eyes.  She just shrugged.  “Right,” he muttered.  “Time works different here.”

She grinned.  “Now you get it.”

“Not after everything…not now, kid.”  The voice came back then, and sat upright, realizing he hadn’t dreamed it…or maybe…maybe this was the dream?  He closed his eyes, listening hard and feeling his stomach give another throb of pain.  “We whooped those socs, you know?  We had to rumble without you…and Soda wouldn’t leave your side.  Hell, me and Muscles just about had to force him to go to work today.  You’ve been asleep long enough, man.  Now…wake up, alright?”  

Dally.  That was Dally.  And he sounded…he sounded almost like he was crying.  But that was dumb.  No way Dally was crying.

When he opened his eyes and looked around, he couldn’t see Dally anywhere.

He didn’t ask Li about it…for some reason, it didn’t seem important.  It was almost like the only real thing was this field, and Lianne beside him.  It was like a dream, when weird stuff was happening, but you didn’t care for some reason.  That’s how he felt.  She started talking when he lay back down beside her, talking about the animals she’d seen and the ones she’d never got to, and the places she wished he could go so she could see them too.  

“I got to see some of the places you went in New York.  If you go to Australia, maybe I can watch too.”

“Do you watch me a lot?” he asked, teasing a little, but also kind of embarrassed, and she laughed.

“Not really.  I just check in sometimes…see how you’re doing.  It’s only you and Rita that I can really see.  Oh, Mark and Tyler too, if I pay really close attention.  They’re out in California.”  

“What are they doing?”

“Mark works at a filling station like your brother.  He’s learning to fix cars.  Tyler works at a record store.”

He didn’t ask if they liked it.  He was still mad at them.  Still remembered everything they’d chosen to ignore.

For a while, but what also might just have been a few minutes, he listened to her talk some more, like when they’d been walking to school, but it wasn’t long before another voice interrupted, though, pulling him away from her and back to a place where his stomach hurt so bad he couldn’t hardly stand it.  He closed his eyes, screwing them up in pain, breath catching at the sharpness of it.

“Come on, honey.  You gonna let me talk all night?  Ain’t you sick of my voice yet?”  

That was Soda…he’d know Soda’s voice anywhere.  But when he looked around that field, he couldn’t find his brother…or anyone really.  Just Li, who lay with her head pillowed on her hands, smiling up at the sky and looking more content than he’d ever seen her.

“You hear that?” he asked, and she nodded.

“Yeah…they want you to come back.”

They wanted him to come back…but he didn’t know how…didn’t even know how long he’d been there now.  It felt like just a few hours, but he didn’t think that was right, because Dally had said they’d rumbled.  So…so it must have been longer, right?  When had he gotten hurt?  Had he hurt Bob again, he wondered, shuddering at the thought.  He hoped not.  

The voice of his brother faded away along with the pain and he blinked dizzily up at the sky.  His head felt weird…fuzzy, and he closed his eyes again.  

Time must have passed, because when he opened his eyes again, someone was holding his hand.  But when he looked at her, she had her arms folded behind her head, so it couldn’t have been her…and there was no one else in the field with him.  But someone was holding his hand, squeezing almost too tightly.

“Pony?  Can you wake up for me, little buddy?  Please?”

Ponyboy frowned, his heart speeding up in his chest.  Darry…that was Darry.  And Darry was crying!  Why would Darry be crying?  

“Darry?” he called, sitting up.  “Darry!”

“You ought to stay here a little longer,” Li warned him, looking up at him from where she was resting in the grass.

“How long have I been here?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted.  “But if you go back now, it’s going to hurt.”

“But Darry…something’s wrong with him!  He wants me to wake up!”

She tilted her head, regarding him with a sad little smile.  “It’s always about other people with you, huh?”

“What?”

“If you go back now, it’s going to hurt,” she warned him, sitting up.  “You sure you want to do that?”

He hesitated, looking down at her and wishing, suddenly, that he didn’t have to leave her alone here.  She was happy…he’d never seen her happy like this before.  But he’d missed her, and he had a feeling that he was only going to miss her more now.  “Are you going to be okay here?”

“Of course,” she told him with a little laugh.  “I live here, remember?  And it’s way better than any place I’ve ever lived before.”

“Do you think I can come back?  See you again?”

This time, her smile was sad.  “I don’t think so, Ponyboy.  Not unless you want to stay here for good.  I mean, it’s not bad or anything, but I don’t think it’s time for that yet.  Besides, your brothers would miss you too much.  You sure are lucky, you know?  Nobody’s ever loved me as much as they love you.”

“Li?”  

“If you apologize again…”

“I’m so sorry that happened to you,” he blurted, not caring if she got upset at him for saying it.  If this was the last time he got to see her, then he had to say it.  “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you.  If I could go back…”

“Then you’d be living here with me,” she interrupted him, but her smile softened her words.  “I know.  I’ve been keeping tabs on you, remember.”  She shook her head, looking back at the bar, her eyes older than her thirteen years.  “I hated that you were so sad.  It wasn’t right, you blaming yourself for something Richard did.  I know you would have protected me if you could.  You always did, Ponyboy.  You were the best brother I ever could have asked for, and I’m glad I got you for a brother, even if it was just for a little while.”  She smiled at him then.  “You can stick around for a little longer, you know?  If you want.  You don’t have to go just yet.”

“I should, though.  My brothers…they want me to come back, right?”

“Of course.  They always want you to come back.”  

“So…I ought to go.”

“If you say so.”  She shrugged, cool like Dally.  She’d always been real tough…tougher than him, for sure.  “It was good to see you, Ponyboy.  I’m glad we got to hang out again.”

He had to laugh a little at calling this ‘hanging out,’ but he nodded anyway.  “You too,” he whispered, meaning it more than he could ever say.  “You don’t know what happened to me?”

“I’m sure you’ll remember when you go back.  Something about a guy named Bob.”  She shrugged.  “That one that pretends not to like you was there…he can tell you all about it.”

“Steve?”

“Yeah.  Him.”

“I thought you said talking to him would help!”  The shout made him jump a little, and he looked around the field, eyes going over the trees and the wildflowers before he was looking back at the bar, but he couldn’t see Sodaop anywhere, even if he could hear his voice as clear as day.  “It’s been four fucking days, and he’s still not waking up!”

“Soda,” another voice, Darry’s, filled the field or maybe just his own head, soft and reprimanding.  It was filled with the kind of warning Pony always listened to.

“Sir, if you can’t…”

“What?  You think you’re gonna kick me out?”

“Soda, stop!” Darry ordered again, and Pony looked back at Lianne who was smiling a little.  

“They’re just scared,” she told him.  “They don’t want you to stay here forever.”  

“It’s been four days?” he asked, and she shrugged, unconcerned.  

“I guess.”  

“If you can’t keep your voice down, then we’re going to have to ask you to leave.”  

Pony didn’t recognize that voice, but it sure set Soda off.

“I ain’t leaving him!” Soda all but screamed, and Pony knew that tone…that reckless edge to his voice that told him that his brother was about to do something stupid.

“Look, he’s just upset.  Cut him some slack.  Please,” Darry said then, and they were louder, somehow.  Soda and Darry and someone he didn’t recognize.  “Soda, you need to sit down, you hear me?  Sit down and zip it,” he hissed, just loud enough for Pony to hear.  “You ain’t gonna be able to help him if they make you leave!”

“You sure about this?” Li asked, and he nodded.  Soda obviously needed him.  Darry too.  Something was wrong…they were real upset, and he wanted to find out why…see if he could fix it.  

“Yeah.”

She nodded, gripping his shirt when he surged forward to hug her.  

“Go to Australia for me one day, okay?” she asked, her voice just barely a whisper, and she sounded just like she had when she’d been alive…uncertainty hidden under all that bravado.  “You and your brothers.”

“Yeah,” he whispered, nodding and choking on the words.  “Yeah, I will.  I promise.  Maybe Rita too, if she wants to come”  He swallowed hard, shutting his eyes real tight as the pain in his stomach got worse and she laughed a little, arms tightening around him.  “Love you, Li.”  

“Yeah, I know.”  

He would have laughed at the smile in her voice, but his stomach gave an impossible throb of pain and he had to grit his teeth.

As if making the decision had been enough, the field was suddenly gone.  There was no warm sun beating down on him…no soft buzzing of bees or swishing of the wind in the tall grass.  His head was digging into a pillow as he arched his back a little, trying to escape the pain that wasn’t escapable.  A tear ran down his cheek, somehow cool against his skin that felt too hot, and he took in a ragged breath that made it all hurt worse.

Lianne had been right, he realized suddenly.  It hurt.

Maybe he should have stayed with her.

Chapter Text

"Pony?"

Ponyboy realized that a cool hand was cupping his face, a thumb brushing a tear he hadn't felt away and he tried to remember where he was. Li…he'd been with Li. But now…who was touching him?

"Hey…can you hear me?"

Taking deep breaths that only made everything hurt worse, Ponyboy clenched his teeth so tightly that his jaw ached, but nowhere near as bad as his stomach. He could hear the voice through the pain…Darry. It was Darry. It all came back to him then, the thoughts forming around the pain. That's why he'd come back…because Darry was upset. But already the memory of the field and of Lianne was fading. Had it been a dream? He was laying in a hospital bed, so he wasn't sure how he could have been out behind that bar.

In the meantime, Darry was waiting for an answer, so he nodded a little. "Yeah," he gasped out, the best he could manage through the pain, another tear replacing the first one, but Darry wiped it away just as quick.

"You're okay…you're okay, honey," Darry choked out, and Pony heard a chair scrape across the floor, a hand taking his as the one on his face wiped at the tears. "You're okay. I'm right here, kiddo. I'm going to call for the doctor, okay?"

"Darry?"

"Yeah?" Beside him, his brother went still and he tried to open his eyes and see him.

"What happened?" he forced out between gritted teeth. He needed to know. Lianne hadn't known…but she'd said that Steve had been with him, right? Was Steve here too?

"Don't worry about that right now. You're alright. You're gonna be fine."

He said it like he was trying to reassure himself, frantic and desperate, and Pony forced his eyes open as the wave of pain that had crested over him retreated enough for him to focus, wincing at the bright fluorescent lights overhead. He missed the field behind the bar where nothing had hurt too bad. He missed Lianne.

But she was okay, and Darry was here.

When his eyes finally focused on his brother, he couldn't help the jolt of surprise. Darry looked about half dead, with dark circles under his eyes and a few days worth of a beard on his face. He'd never seen his brother with a beard and the pain ebbed enough for him to blurt out in a raspy voice, "Glory, Dar, you forget how to shave or did you lose a bet?"

Darry's eyes widened, a bark of incredulous laughter escaping as he cupped Ponyboy's face and rested his forehead on his shoulder so lightly that he barely felt it. Pony closed his eyes, another wave of pain making breathing impossible for a second…but he didn't scream. Didn't make a sound, the conditioning kicking in without him even thinking about it. He was supposed to be quiet…he had to be quiet. Finally it went back down from unbearable to agonizing, and Darry looked up at him, all laughter dying as he squeezed his hand.

"Pony?"

"Hurts," he managed, trying to give him a reassuring smile and failing.

"God, Pony," his brother whispered, shaking his head and leaning in, pressing his forehead to Pony's temple. "I thought…I thought we were gonna lose you," he choked out.

Ponyboy closed his eyes again, shifting his hand on the bed until he found Darry's, and his brother wrapped his hand around Pony's, careful of the needle in the back of it. "Sorry," he murmured, although he wasn't sure what he was apologizing for…if he meant for getting into it with Bob or getting stabbed or staying with Li for too long. He was impossibly tired, even though he'd just woken up, but he didn't want Darry to worry about him. "Should have come back sooner," he muttered, eyes drifting shut on their own.

"What?" Darry asked, squeezing his hand again. "What do you mean, come back?"

"I was with Li," he told him, having the oddest feeling that he shouldn't be telling Darry that, but he wasn't sure why. Darry was safe…he could talk to his brother, right?

"Li?" Darry repeated, sounding strangled. "You mean…Lianne?"

Pony nodded, wincing when that hurt. "Yeah…she told me it would hurt…but you sounded upset…" he trailed off, too tired and hurting too bad to keep talking. Glory but he was hot…why was he so hot? Another voice entered the room, but he was asleep before he could see who it was or ask Darry what was going on.

When he opened his eyes again, he wondered if he'd been asleep for more than a few minutes, since Darry hadn't so much as moved. He was still so hot, and he started to push the blankets off himself, but he quickly gave up when that hurt too much.

"Ponyboy?" Darry asked, and he realized his brother hadn't let go of his hand. "You with me, kiddo?"

He only felt marginally more awake than the last time they'd talked, but he nodded. "How long was I asleep?"

"The first time?" Darry asked, smiling a little, but he looked more tired than amused. "Almost six days. It's Wednesday. You woke up for a little while this morning."

Pony blinked at him, trying to remember something that seemed important. "Wednesday?"

"Yeah. You've been asleep for a couple of hours. It's about 6 o'clock."

It hit him then. "You were here though. This morning."

"Yeah. You remember? I was here when you woke up. You were talking about…about Lianne." He spoke hesitantly like he was scared to even say her name, but Pony moved past that.

"It's Wednesday."

"Yeah, Pony," Darry told him gently, leaning in and squeezing his hand and looking worried. "It's Wednesday."

"But…you should have been at work."

Darry just stared at him for a second, then shook his head, lips pressed too tightly together, eyes bright. "I couldn't go to work, Pony. Not with you…not with how bad off you were. Hell, I could barely leave you for long enough to rumble…but I couldn't let them get away with it…not this." His eyes went cold for a second, and Pony could only imagine how many socs had paid the price for what Bob had done.

"Was Bob there?"

Darry shook his head. "They arrested him. Randy was, though."

Pony didn't ask how bad off Randy was…he didn't think he wanted to know.

"Soda wouldn't go. Wouldn't leave your side. Didn't want to go to work either but…we both went Monday," he admitted, looking ashamed. "I thought I could…had to force Soda to go. Dally stayed with you. Him and Johnny. But yesterday…yesterday was the worst day," he whispered, closing his eyes for a second, and it was like Darry was talking to himself more than to Pony. "Your fever got so high that night. I was scared that if I left…"

"Is that when Soda was yelling?" Pony asked, trying to lighten the mood a little. His brother's eyes snapped open and he whirled around to face him.

"What?"

"Saying they weren't going to kick him out. You got him to calm down though…I think."

"You heard us?"

"He's loud," Pony told him with a little smile, and Darry gave a disbelieving laugh.

"I shouldn't have left you Monday. I…I needed to be here. Just in case," he admitted, his voice a whisper.

"I was okay."

"No you weren't." Darry shook his head and opened his mouth like he was going to say something else, but he just squeezed his hand before letting go. "You've still got a hell of a fever, little buddy. They've got you on medicine to help. How do you feel?"

"Hurts," Pony told him, too tired to lie. "I'm hot. Where's Soda?"

He jerked his head towards the wall Pony couldn't see from his spot in the bed, his eyes impossibly heavy. "Sleeping in the chair. He was up all night. Wouldn't hardly take his eyes off you. I had to get Steve to help me drag him out of here this morning. I'm surprised he didn't wake you up."

"I didn't hear that…I heard you though," Pony admitted, too tired to care if Darry thought he was crazy. "Before. You kept asking me to wake up. You sounded worried."

"Earlier, you mentioned Lianne." Once more, Darry was real careful about his words, almost stumbling over her name, but now that Pony had talked to her, hearing her name didn't hurt so much.

"Yeah…it didn't feel like that long, but I could hear you sometimes. And Soda. Dally too, once." Pony hesitated. "She said it wasn't my fault," he told him softly, staring up at the ceiling and trying to ignore the way just breathing made his whole body hurt. "What Richard did…we were out behind that bar. She wasn't mad…didn't blame me for any of it."

Darry wasn't the kind of person Pony would usually confide in about something like that…but he was the only one there and Pony wanted him to know for some reason…it felt important. To his surprise, Darry didn't look skeptical at all, even though he was usually all about cold hard facts and logic and only believed in the stuff he could see.

"Of course she wouldn't blame you," Darry murmured, brushing his hair back, and his cold hand felt so good against his hot face, which was weird because Darry was never cold. "You couldn't have stopped him, Pone. Not by yourself. He'd have…he'd have killed you too."

Pony knew that. So many people had told him. But it had been different, hearing Lianne say it…like she forgave him for everything he blamed himself for. "She said that too. She said I'd be there with her."

There was a noise off to the side, but Pony didn't dare move, not even his head, when everything hurt so bad. Darry scooted back a little, and Pony glanced over to see their brother rubbing his eyes and sitting up, muttering something he couldn't hear, then looking right at him.

Soda went pale as soon as their eyes met, and he sat bolt upright in that chair, jaw dropping. His eyes went from Pony to Darry, like he was scared to even speak, and Darry smiled a little.

"He's awake, Pepsi Cola." And then, when Soda jumped to his feet, "Be careful, alright?"

He nodded, moving closer real slowly, like he might accidentally hurt him by walking too fast. "Pony?" he asked, lips trembling, and Pony didn't think he'd ever seen Soda look so scared.

"Hey, Soda."

He was going to say more, but Soda's face crumpled and he sat on the bed, laying down real careful and resting his head against Pony's shoulder.

"Soda?" he asked, voice still weak and hoarse as he tried to put an arm around him, remembering how angry Soda had been when he'd been with Lianne in that field…how he'd yelled at somebody. Just getting his arm up made the pain in his stomach even worse, and he did his best to breathe real slow to try and wait it out so Darry didn't get on him. "You okay?"

"I thought you weren't never going to wake up," Soda sobbed. "You almost…Pony…you almost died," he choked out.

"I'm alright, Soda," he murmured, trying to pat his back and feeling dizzy from just that movement. Darry leaned in, resting a hand on their brother's back too, his blue eyes soft as he put his other hand on Pony's hair.

"You weren't!" Soda insisted, not moving. "Even the doctors were saying…they said you probably wouldn't make it! They wanted us to call a preacher or something…"

Pony's eyes widened and Darry squeezed Soda's shoulder, not looking at either of them.

"And I had to go to work! I had to work at the fucking DX while you …you were dying!"

"I don't think the electric company cares if I die…the bill has to be paid either way," Pony told him, trying to smile, but Soda pulled away and shook his head, eyes red from crying.

"Don't. Don't joke about that," he ordered, trying to look stern, but he couldn't hold the expression for long, a smile breaking through after a second as he looked at Pony. "How do you feel?"

"I'm fine. Just sore and tired." That was the understatement of the century and he was sure Soda didn't believe him, but he didn't argue.

"Did the doctor come in yet?" he asked, turning to Darry.

"Yeah, a little while ago. They should be giving you more pain medicine soon, Pony."

That was good, Pony thought, because he sure as hell needed it.

He fell asleep pretty quick after that, waking only to hear someone, probably the doctor telling his brothers that he wasn't out of the woods yet, and that his fever was still high enough to be concerning. He didn't like that…didn't like that guy telling his brothers to worry.

Pony was too hot to argue though…it was like he was constantly falling into dreams and forgetting where he was until he'd open his eyes and see his brothers there. He didn't know if that meant it was still Wednesday night or if they were staying with him instead of going to work.

Once he felt Soda press a hand to his forehead, his quiet voice close enough to tell Pony that he was sitting on the bed with him.

"'m okay, Soda," he muttered, voice slurring, and a hand squeezed his shoulder, but if his brother responded, Pony didn't hear him.

He was already out again.

He dreamed about Richard then…then about the hot sun beating down on him. It was too hot…which didn't make sense, because when he'd slept outside, it had been cold. He groaned, turning his head from side to side to find a cool spot, gasping when he moved too much and it pulled at something painful in his stomach.

"Stop moving around so much, honey," someone murmured, a cool hand pressed against his forehead.

"Is he here?" Pony asked, trying to be quiet. If Richard wasn't around, he could sneak back inside and cool off.

"Who?" the voice asked. It was familiar…Pony wondered if it was Mark or Tyler. For some reason, he was too hot to think. Too hot to figure out who was talking to him.

"I don't want to sleep outside again," he whimpered, a tear falling against his will, but he'd heard them cry too, after Richard had gotten ahold of them. Maybe that's what had happened. "It's too hot."

There was a long silence, then a hand cupped his cheek for a second, gentler than Mark or Tyler had ever been with him. "You don't have to sleep outside, Pony. Not ever. Richard isn't here."

"It was so cold," he whispered, shivering just remembering it, and like magic, he wasn't hot anymore. He was cold. So, so cold. "It's cold…behind the bar. But if I go back, he's gonna…" Pony trailed off, shivering so hard his muscles ached, and the person brushed his hair back.

"He's gonna what?" they asked, voice soft and coaxing.

He felt a tear run down his cheek and he shuddered, remembering that day…remembered how he almost hadn't gotten away…how he'd turned his ankle jumping off the porch but hadn't dared stop. "She warned me. She said he'd settle for me," Pony whispered, another tear escaping, and it was like he was behind that bar again, his hand pressed to his mouth as he sobbed, curled up on his side in the woods, wishing for a blanket or one of his brothers or even one of the gang. They'd protect him! They'd get him somewhere safe!

Someone sat beside him on what he suddenly realized was a bed, then laid down. He tensed before they spoke again, their hand brushing his hair back. "It's me, Pony. It's Soda. Richard ain't here. I ain't gonna let him hurt you. Not ever."

"Soda?" he asked, disbelieving. Wasn't he in the woods? "Where…where's Richard?"

"He's locked up. And even if he weren't, I'm right here. I'd kill him before I let him near you again."

Right…Pony remembered then. He was with his brothers. He'd slept in the woods and then he'd gone back to that house. "I couldn't stay out there," he whispered, wishing it didn't hurt so much to talk and breathe and just exist. "I couldn't let him hurt Rita."

"I know, honey. But Rita's safe now. You don't have to worry about her anymore. You did good. You kept her safe."

"It wasn't enough," he all but whimpered, tears running down his face. He was hot again. Too hot! "I couldn't save Li."

"I'm sorry, Pony. I'm so sorry, kiddo," he murmured, a hand stroking his hair.

"I'm hot." Pony tossed his head, forcing his eyes open, tears still wet on his cheeks, and Soda's face came into focus as he brushed a hand over his face.

"You've got a fever. Doctor said you've got an infection. They're giving you medicine, but your fever's still too high."

He looked over at his brother who was laying beside him, right on the edge of a hospital bed. Hospital bed…he was in a hospital bed. "What…what happened?" he asked, fighting to keep his eyes open.

"You don't remember?"

Pony thought for a second, but even that hurt. "My stomach hurts," he muttered, and Soda nodded.

"I know, honey. They'll give you more pain medicine soon." He hesitated. "It was Bob. In the locker room."

And suddenly, Pony remembered. Just for a second, it was clear as anything in his memory. Bob attacking him. Getting the upper hand. Deciding to stop just a second too late.

"Do you remember?"

Pony nodded.

"Steve found you. He went for help." Soda hesitated, biting his lip before continuing. "He…he told me that you started to ask him to tell me something."

He couldn't really remember that part. He didn't remember Steve being there at all even though Li had told him he was. Everything after that knife pulling out of him was a blur. But there was only one thing he could have wanted Steve to tell his brother if he thought he was dying. "I wanted him to tell you that I loved you. That you're my best friend in the world."

Soda swallowed hard, nodding and resting his forehead against the side of Pony's head, shaking with the tears he tried to keep quiet. But Pony needed him to know.

"I thought Richard was gonna kill me…lots of times. At the end, I didn't care if he did. I wanted him to. But I wanted to tell you and Darry I loved you first." He swallowed hard, closing his eyes and leaning his head against Soda's. "I hoped you would know."

"We did," Soda assured him, voice thick with tears. "We knew, baby. We love you too. So much."

Pony let his eyes close then, message delivered, and it wasn't long before he was asleep again. But he didn't dream about Richard anymore.

The next time he woke up, Soda was gone and Darry was sitting in the chair beside him, his newspaper in his lap. Pony wasn't as hot anymore, but he still felt so weak it was hard to keep his eyes open. Darry glanced over at him after only a second, like he'd felt his gaze, and as soon as he saw him, he dropped the newspaper in his lap and turned to face him, a hand reached out to press against his forehead.

"Hey Pony…how are you feeling?"

Pony thought about it for a second. His stomach hurt just as bad as before, but he wasn't so hot anymore. "Better?" He said it like a question and Darry nodded.

"Your fever is finally down some. You want something to drink?"

Just the thought of sitting up to drink something made his stomach hurt worse and he shook his head. Darry seemed to understand, nodding and patting his shoulder.

"What time is it?"

"Early." He glanced at his watch. "About 1 in the morning. Friday," he clarified before Pony could ask.

"Don't you gotta work?"

"No…I took the week off."

"You should sleep," he muttered, eyes closing, but he didn't sleep. He couldn't believe it was Friday. More than a week since Bob had stabbed him. "What happened to Bob?" he wondered, forcing his eyes open again as Darry's turned to ice.

"They locked him up. There's gonna be a trial…he's pushing for self defense."

Pony nodded. He couldn't bring himself to be too mad at Bob…not anymore. Not when he remembered how scared he'd been. "It was."

His brother blinked at him, then narrowed his eyes. "What?"

"It was self defense."

"Steve said he showed up in the locker room out by the track. He jumped you!" Darry told him incredulously, voice a little too loud in the quiet of the hospital room.

"Yeah. He did…we were fighting. But he thought…I was gonna stop, I swear," he told him, suddenly needing Darry to know that. "It wasn't like before. I was getting off him."

Darry opened his mouth to interrupt but Pony went on.

"He didn't mean to. He didn't know I was getting off him. He was just scared."

"He didn't mean to?" Darry repeated, voice still too loud. "I don't give a goddamn what he meant to do, Pony! He just about killed you! He's been after you for weeks! He tried to start a fight at school and he jumped you in the locker room! Then he stabbed you! And he left you there."

"Darry? What's going on?" Soda's soft voice interrupted, and Pony watched him sit up in the chair across the room, but Darry didn't stop…maybe he couldn't. And Pony couldn't blame him for being mad. His brother had been so scared when he'd been begging him to wake up…more scared than Pony had ever heard him.

"Bob ran out of there. He was going to leave you to bleed to death! If Steve hadn't been there, you would have! Do you understand that? No one would have got to you in time!"

"Darry!" Soda snapped, looking between the two of them with wide, worried eyes. "Quit…"

"He says Bob didn't mean to!" Darry bit out, but even with all the yelling, Pony wasn't scared…not of Darry. He got it…he got why his brother was so mad at just the thought of Bob getting away with this. Maybe, he thought tiredly, he shouldn't have brought it up.

"Sir, if you can't keep your voice down, I'm going to have to ask you to leave," a man in the hallway warned, sticking his head into the room, and Pony shook his head, not able to stand the idea of them kicking Darry out.

"No, he…"

His mistake was trying to sit up…to prop himself up on an elbow to see around Soda, and his vision turned to fireworks, then blackness as he dropped back onto the bed with a gasp. He didn't scream…he'd been hurt too many times from screaming that a sound refused to even try to escape, but the pain was so all-consuming that for a long minute, he couldn't even hear anything over the blood roaring in his ears.

When he did come back to himself, Soda's soft voice was the first thing he heard. "You're okay, honey…it's okay. Breathe. You're okay. Just breathe." Soda seemed to be begging, and then Pony realized he'd been holding his breath. Carefully, he exhaled, then took a ragged breath, trying not to move. He opened his eyes and found Soda sitting in the chair Darry had been in a minute ago, gripping his hand and looking like he was about to pass out himself.

"Hey…you okay?" Soda asked, voice shaking, and Pony nodded.

"Yeah," he gasped out, still breathing too shallow.

"You've got to stay still, Pony," Soda scolded softly, but there was no heat in it.

"Sorry…forgot." He took another second, waiting for the pain to dull. "Fuck, that hurts." He'd meant to say it lightly, like a joke, but his voice was too weak, a tear escaping and running down his cheek.

"I know, honey. They're giving you pain medicine. That's why you're sleeping all the time. But they can't give you too much."

Pony nodded, accepting that even if he'd like them to give him just a bit more. When he glanced around the room, it was empty, and he frowned at Soda. "Where'd Darry go?"

"He…he just stepped out for a second."

"Did they make him leave?"

"No…no, they didn't kick him out or nothing," Soda assured him, trying to smile. "He'll be right back."

"Is he mad?"

Soda flinched at that. "No, honey, he ain't mad at you."

That didn't exactly answer his question, but Pony went on. "Bob really didn't mean to." His brother's mouth tightened at that, his eyes hardening. Still, Pony knew if anyone could understand him, it was Soda. "He was scared…because of what I did before. He thought I wasn't gonna stop."

Soda sighed, cursing softly under his breath as he rested a hand on his shoulder. "I believe you, Pone. But…there ain't no way we can forgive him for this…not with you hurt so bad. Give Darry some time, okay? I ain't never seen him broken up like when we first saw you. They…they kept telling us to prepare ourselves, like we could ever prepare for something like that. Darry just about punched the doctor when he asked us if we wanted to talk to a priest or soemthing. He would have if Dal hadn't jumped in…told him there was no way you'd die. Said you were way too tough."

Pony had to smile at that. He didn't think he was tough, but it had been pretty cool of Dally to say so.

His brother settled next to him on the bed, easing an arm around him and pulling the blankets up. "It's early. Go back to sleep, okay? Some of us have work in the morning."

Pony smiled, letting his eyes close once more. His brother must have been awful tired because he was out in about five minutes, and with Soda's breathing evening out, it didn't take long for Pony to fall asleep again, waking only briefly when someone sat in the chair beside him once more.

"Darry?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Yeah, kiddo?" Darry matched his tone, and Pony heard him lean in.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine. Go back to sleep."

"You want to lay down?"

"No, I'm alright. You sleep."

"Darry?"

His brother sighed softly, but there was a smile in his voice when he answered. "Yeah?"

"'m sorry I scared you."

"I'll forgive you when you're out of a hospital bed."

Ponyboy grinned at that, but he was asleep before he could come up with an answer.

Chapter Text

Time passed impossibly slowly while Ponyboy slept. Beside him on the hospital bed, Soda had finally drifted off, and Darry was glad, even if he couldn't bring himself to sleep. He was living off of coffee and vending machine snacks, and the latter only because the guys kept delivering armloads of chips and crackers and snack cakes via whatever bemused nurse they could convince to help them out. It was honestly a wonder, he thought to himself as he smoothed his brother's hair back, that he hadn't fallen off a roof on Monday.

He'd missed three days of work now, and his weekend shift at the warehouse…he'd only gone to work Monday because he'd thought he had to…because he'd told himself that he had no choice. But he'd spent every second thinking about Pony…about his baby brother dying in that hospital room. Alone.

He'd been alone.

Sure, Dally had stayed with him, but that wasn't the same. As he'd struggled to focus on the job in front of him, the thought had tormented him. What if he died? Did he know that his brothers weren't even with him? Was he scared? Did he think he was still in that house, like in his nightmares.

Dr. Song had told him that Pony was still so afraid.

That final thought had driven him off the roof an hour early, and he'd told his boss that he had to take a couple of days. That his brother was in the hospital. That he'd been attacked by another student at the high school and that it wasn't looking good. Somehow he hadn't broken down and bawled while he'd been telling his boss that, but the second Dally had left him alone with Ponyboy on Monday afternoon, he'd felt the damn break, tears streaming down his face as he'd taken his brother's hand and begged him to wake up.

From the second him and Soda had stepped into that hospital room where only two people were allowed to visit at a time, Darry had felt like it was him dying right along with Ponyboy. The doctors had tried to explain when they'd been in the waiting room…they'd explained that he had an infection from who knew where, and that the knife had gone too deep, and that he'd lost so much blood.

But none of that had prepared him for the sight of his baby brother with tubes in his arms and a mask on his flushed face, the monitor behind him telling them that his fever was too high despite the medicine they must have been giving him.

All weekend, they'd sat in that room, forcing themselves to eat when snacks appeared and drinking coffee like they needed it to survive…and they kind of did. Neither of them had wanted to sleep, like if they dared look away from him, he would be gone. They had to watch him. To talk to him. To hold his hand and try to get him to understand that he wasn't alone.

Then on Sunday night, Darry had called Dallas from the hospital phone, asking him to come by the next day if he could. "Just…check on him? While we're at work?" he'd asked, practically begging. The others had school and Rita had work. Besides, he couldn't bring himself to ask any of them because they would inevitably ask how he was doing or ask if he was sure, and he wasn't. He knew Dally would be cool and calm and wouldn't ask how he was doing because he was Dal and because he'd already know.

Dally didn't just check on Ponyboy on Monday. He showed up at 6:30am with Johnny tagging along and told them to get home. They'd taken turns running home for a shower once or twice over the weekend, but for the most part had made do with the bathroom attached to his hospital room. So on Monday, they'd both forced themselves to go home and get cleaned up.

When he'd gotten back to the hospital that afternoon after stopping at the house to get more clothes, Dally had been sitting in his usual chair, his expression dark, eyes red-rimmed. But he hadn't commented on Darry being back earlier than he'd expected, so Darry hadn't asked if he was okay.

"I'm staying with him from now on," Darry had told him, keeping an eye on the door just in case a doctor came to remind them of the two person rule.

"How much do you need?"

Darry had never been more grateful to know Dallas Winston. Because if he needed something, Dally would get it, and with Pony in the hospital, he sure couldn't afford to be proud. Not when it would mean falling behind on bills. So he'd told himself that he'd just have to pay him back as soon as he could. "If I miss the whole week? About $50. The house payment's gonna be due soon, but Soda's still going to be working," he'd told his friend, dropping his eyes and trying not to feel ashamed to have to ask. It didn't matter how he felt, he'd told himself. It mattered that his brothers were taken care of and that they didn't lose their house.

Glory, his parents had left him with one job, to take care of his brothers, and it felt like he was always fucking it up.

"You think he will?"

"He has to."

"Give me a day or two. I'll get you the money."

"I owe you, Dal."

"You don't owe me shit."

He'd managed a smile before thanking them, sitting at Pony's side and taking his too-warm hand. And then he'd broken down, and he'd pleaded with his brother to wake up because he didn't know how he could ever live without him…how he could survive losing him.

It was a plea that Pony had apparently heard.

Soda had fought him tooth and nail that morning, and on Tuesday, after he'd nearly been kicked out of the hospital for yelling at the doctor, he'd fought even harder.

"I ain't leaving him again, Darry," Soda had told him, his voice cold and certain, just like when Pony had told him he wouldn't go back to that boy's home…that he would run again. And Darry had felt a jolt of worry…Soda had to work. They had to have money coming in! And it was shit that his seventeen year old brother was the one that had to make the money to keep them afloat, but there was no other choice! So he'd tried to be reasonable. Had tried to keep his temper firmly under control because he wasn't mad at Soda.

He was just mad at the whole fucking universe for doing this to his family.

But when had yelling at his brothers ever done him any good?

"One of us has to go to work, Pepsi Cola. You know that."

"We'll borrow the money from Tim!"

"And how are we gonna pay it back?" Soda had just glared at him, but Darry had struggled to keep his voice level. Reasonable. "He ain't gonna be alone. I'll be here with him. It's just for a few hours."

"You make more than me."

"But I need to be here. Just in case." The rest has been unspoken…just in case something happened. Just in case they needed him to make an impossible decision.

Soda had been angry with him for days about that…for sending him away when he wanted to be with Pony. And Darry had felt no end to guilt over that, wondering how he could ever face Soda if Ponyboy died and he hadn't let him be there.

Then, on Wednesday morning after Soda had grudgingly left for work, his expression like a toddler on the verge of throwing a fit, Pony had made a low, pained noise, turning his head a little, a tear running down his face.

And then he'd opened his eyes and made a joke about the beard Darry hadn't shaved.

The flood of relief had been almost unbearable. Even though he'd fallen asleep only a few minutes later, he'd woken up. He'd been okay for just a few minutes. And Darry had spent every second since watching him. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. But despite the doctors who insisted he shouldn't get his hopes up…who seemed convinced that his brother was still in terrible danger, Pony had been getting better.

Then Pony had looked him in the eye and told him that Bob had acted in self defense, and Darry had seen red.

Bob had almost taken his little brother away from him. He'd attacked Ponyboy. He'd stabbed him! Over and over, he'd gone after Darry's little brother, and no one, not a single person, hurt his little brother and got away with it. Not after what he'd been through. Not if Darry had anything to say about it. He remembered the rumble, and the satisfaction of every blow he'd thrown…

Those socs weren't all people who'd gone after Pony, but in light of the circumstances, they'd done just fine as a stand-in.

It was nearly two in the morning. Almost an hour had gone by since he'd stepped out into the hallway, the image of his brother dropping onto the bed, mouth opening to scream before he snapped it shut, burned into his brain.

Pony never yelled in his sleep and he almost never made a noise when something hurt. Not anymore. Not even when it was this bad.

Soda had grabbed Pony's hand, blood draining from his face as he'd hovered, but Darry had jumped to his feet, backing up and feeling like an asshole. He'd done that. He'd been too loud, and too angry, like he always seemed to be, and then Pony had gotten hurt.

Hadn't he learned his lesson the last time they'd fought.

Now Pony slept. He didn't seem to be hurting anymore, which was the one good thing about him sleeping so much, but he'd woken up for long enough to ask if Darry was okay…if he was mad.

The morning passed, minute by agonizing minute. He wanted to move over to the bigger chair in the corner but he didn't want to leave his side. So he stayed, eyes closing on their own a few times, and he might have dozed for a few minutes at a time, but when Soda stirred around 6:30, wincing as he sat up and rubbing his back, probably sore from being curled up for hours, Darry doubted he'd slept more than an hour or so, and he was feeling it.

Soda went to work without arguing for once, and Darry managed to doze for maybe another hour or so before a hand landed on his shoulder, making him jerk awake. His first ridiculous thought was that it must be Pony, but his brother couldn't even sit up, much less get out of bed. When he looked up, he found Two-Bit standing over him, his eyes very determinedly looking anywhere but at Pony who was fast asleep in his hospital bed.

He knew that Two was taking this real hard, but it wasn't' like he'd had the time to talk to him.

"Come on, Muscles. You need to get out of here for a while."

"What? Two-Bit…" He rubbed his eyes and sat up, stretching his back. "I ain't gonna leave him alone." It didn't matter than Pony was safe in the hospital, and that he was feeling better. Just the thought of his little brother alone again made him want to lose what little food he'd eaten…then again, he thought suddenly, when was the last time he'd actually eaten?

"He won't be alone. Rita's gonna stay. Look, Soda told me his fever was down. He's doing better. And you need to sleep in a real bed and eat actual food. Plus, I've got to be honest, a shower wouldn't hurt."

Darry snorted, glancing at Pony who hadn't stirred, the tubes in his arms probably supplying him with a steady stream of medicine that would keep him asleep. As much as he hated to admit it, Two-Bit was right. He really did need sleep. And Pony was okay now. His fever had gone down and he'd woken up several times over the last few days.

And he wouldn't be alone. For whatever reason, it would be Rita, and not Two-Bit staying with him, but Darry could worry about his friend later.

"Come on. Rita can call you if he needs you for anything."

He stood, glancing over to find Rita in the doorway, her soft blue eyes on his brother. She had her arms crossed over her chest, lips pressed tightly together, and he was about to tell her she didn't have to do this…that he could just stay, but she turned her gaze to him, smiling a little. "Hey, Darry. Get some rest. I'll sit with him."

"Are you sure?"

She hesitated, her smile going kind of sad. "I've done it plenty of times." She crossed the room, taking the chair he'd vacated and looking up at him, mock stern, a smile just turning the corners of her mouth as she pointed at the door. "Out. And don't come back until you've actually slept. We'll be fine."

She was probably right. Ponyboy was doing better. He was still hurting, but his fever was down, and the doctors had stopped telling them to prepare themselves and had also stopped looking so grim. So he smiled, nodding and accepting her help.

"Thanks, Rita."

"He's family," she said simply, reaching out and brushing his hair back with a hesitant hand. "The only family I've got."

Darry fell asleep with his head against the window of Two-Bit's car on the way back to his house, and he was glad his friend didn't seem interested in talking. Then, somehow, he made it to his bed, dropping on top of the blankets and sleeping like the dead.

When he woke, he immediately looked around to check on Pony, then had to stop himself from jumping up and going straight back to the hospital. He'd have to take the bus or call Two-Bit for a ride since Soda had the truck, but for the moment, his stomach was growling so loudly he thought the neighbors could probably hear it, and he figured he ought to eat some real food.

Darry toasted some bread that he slathered in butter, then scarfed it down as he assembled a sandwich with lunch meat he hoped hadn't gone bad. Then he made a second one, eating a little more slowly and popping the top off of a bottle of Pepsi from the fridge, trying to remember the last time he'd eaten an actual meal…probably last Thursday, he realized.

When Soda had shown up at the house he'd been working on that day, tears streaming down his face, he'd known right off that something was really wrong. His brother had taken the other DX guy's car, probably without asking, and had been standing there, sobbing as Darry had approached.

"Soda, what…"

"He stabbed him. Bob stabbed him!"

Once he'd eaten and cleaned up the kitchen, Darry took a long shower, turning his face up to the spray and letting the hot water pound against his skin until it went cold. He didn't want to think about that day…about driving to the hospital, his brother hunched over in the seat beside him, hands covering his face. He didn't want to remember that waiting room and feeling the grief like Pony was already dead.

He straightened around the house some, then checked his watch. Almost 4. He'd been out for most of the day, and the urge to return to his brother's side was too strong to ignore anymore. So he grabbed a few extra changes of clothes that he packed in the duffel bag he'd brought from the hospital, dumping his dirty laundry into the hamper. Then he headed for the living room to call Two for a ride, pausing by the fridge where the phone numbers of Mr. Williams and James both hung, along with the pictures Pony had drawn for them during the year he'd been away.

Darry had gone back and forth on telling James the news. He'd known that Pony's friends from New York would want to know, but he also hadn't known exactly what to tell them. It had seemed like tempting fate, somehow, to try and assure anyone that he'd be fine. Still, he thought as he put his duffle bag down and grabbed the phone, Mr. Williams had done a lot for his little brother.

Now that Pony was doing better, they both deserved to know.

The phone rang three times before a familiar voice answered with the store's name, finishing with 'This is Mr. Williams.'

"Mr. Williams? It's Darrel Curtis. Ponyboy's brother."

The man brightened immediately, and Darry had to smile a little at the happiness in his voice. Mr. Williams had done real good by Ponyboy, and he'd always be grateful. "Of course, Darrel. It's good to hear from you. How are you all doing?"

"I'm sorry to bother you at work…"

"Not at all. Is everything alright?"

"I…I didn't know if anyone had told you…" he hesitated, and Mr. Williams was silent on the line, waiting. "Ponyboy…he's in the hospital."

"Oh…is it serious?" he asked, voice going softer, and Darry closed his eyes for a second, trying to choose his words.

"Yes, sir. He…he got jumped after track practice by another student." Darry swallowed hard, trying not to picture Soda, sobbing and standing in front of an unfamiliar car, or Pony, so pale and still he looked dead. "He's awake now, and doing better, but…the other guy stabbed him in the stomach. He's lucky our friend was around…" Darry's voice nearly broke when he thought of exactly how lucky they'd been. "It happened last Thursday, but we were afraid…" he shook his head like he could shake off thoughts of what he'd been afraid of. "Anyway, I'm sorry we waited so long to call. It's been…a hard week."

"No need to apologize. I'm sure you had other things on your mind. Do you boys need anything?"

Darry smiled a little, shaking his head. It felt good to talk to someone that felt like an actual grown up who cared about them…who'd help if they needed it. "No, sir. Thank you. We'll be alright. I'm going to get back to work next week, and his foster sister Rita stayed with him for a few hours today. Hopefully we can bring him home soon."

"I appreciate you telling me, Darrel. Let me know if you need anything. You know, I gave Johnny a reference when he was looking for a job down there. I told Ponyboy I'd be happy to do the same for him when he's old enough."

"I told him he could get a part-time job when he turned sixteen in December, long as he keeps his grades up…" Darry laughed without humor. "I guess he won't let me forget that…glory I worry about him, though," he confided, feeling as helpless as a little kid all of a sudden. "He got suspended when that guy Bob tried to start a fight with him at school, and Pony hit him back…we were all gonna rumble because he kept going after him. Then Pony went to track practice on Thursday and…I didn't even know he was going but I would have thought he'd be safe there. I wouldn't have thought Bob would attack him in broad daylight like that."

"Is he in jail?"

"Yeah…yes, sir, they've got him locked up, but he's pushing for self defense. Not too long ago, they got into it and Pony kept hitting him…like what happened in New York."

"I remember. He was protecting my daughter and her friend. Johnny too."

"Pony said it wasn't like that…but he said Bob was afraid it was." He swore under his breath. "If he'd have just left him alone, this wouldn't have happened! If they'd just…leave us the hell alone," he trailed off, shaking his head and wiping a hand over his face, wondering if maybe he needed to get some more sleep. He hadn't meant to blurt all that out, but he'd been on edge for days, as likely to lose it as Soda at the slightest hint from a doctor that their brother wasn't going to be okay.

And when they'd suggested he call a priest…

"I know I didn't know your brother for very long. But I do know that he protected my daughter. And I know that horrible things happened to him…I saw his arms. But I know that those things didn't make him into a bad person. He very well might have beat that boy, but he was doing it to protect the people he cared about. He was afraid a lot of the time…I saw how his hands shook. But the second someone threatened my daughter or his friend, he was ready to fight for them."

"He's a good kid," Darry agreed, wishing for the thousandth time that he'd been more aware of that a year ago…that he'd paid attention. That he'd realized how much they were fighting.

"He is. He'll be a good man, especially with you looking out for him."

"Thank you," he murmured, staring up at their ceiling and missing their dad more than anything. If they'd still been alive, none of this would have happened. But, he reminded himself, their parents were gone. He was just going to have to do the best he could. "I ought to get back to the hospital and let you get back to work. Can…can you let Sue know? Marcus too?"

"Of course. I noticed they were writing letters."

He grinned. "Yeah, and talking on the phone some."

"Well, I suppose we'll cross that bridge when we come to it." Mr. Williams spoke wryly, and Darry had to laugh, wishing his brother's crush on a girl who lived in New York was the biggest of his problems.

"Yes, sir. I guess we will."

Darry stared at the phone, sitting on the cradle, and knew that there was one more person he needed to call. He'd asked Dal, back a few days ago, if he'd told James what had happened, and Dally had shaken his head.

"Nah, man. He already lost one kid. I'll wait until Pony's doing better to tell him."

It had made him smile some to hear Dally so sure that Pony would get better, even if it had been mostly bravado. He didn't know what Dally would have done if they'd lost Pony…he didn't want to know. Still, like Mr. Williams, James had done a lot for Ponyboy when he'd been in New York. Hell, he'd done everything for him…had given him a place to stay and had looked out for him. Johnny too. And, like Mr. Williams, James deserved to know what was going on.

Darry was just glad he had some good news to share too.

The phone rang a couple of times before a tired sounding voice picked up, barking out a 'hello' and Darry remembered that he worked at a diner. Hoping he hadn't woken him up, Darry swallowed hard and tried to sound less exhausted than he felt.

"Hey, James. It's Darry Curtis."

"Oh, hey man. Just talked to the little one not too long ago. Said he was having some trouble with those rich assholes. How are things going down there? You take care of it?"

Darry thought about the feel of a soc's nose breaking under his fist…or the way he'd laid them out, all of them fighting to avenge his baby brother in the park at almost 1 in the morning.

All of them but Soda, who had refused to leave Pony's side.

Yeah, he thought, he'd taken care of it. But not in time.

"I, uh…I didn't want to tell you until we knew for sure that he'd be okay…" Darry started, cursing himself for not cushioning the blow more, or at least starting with some pleasantries, when James's voice went hard.

"What? What are you talking about? Something happen to the kid?"

"Yeah. He, uh…that soc that's been bugging him jumped him in the locker room after track practice."

"What the fuck? He okay?" James demanded, sounding just like Dally when he was scared for a second…mean and on the verge of doing something stupid, and Darry cleared his throat.

"He is now."

"How bad?"

"He stabbed him. In the stomach." He was quiet for a second when James swore. "Steve, our buddy, was giving him a ride home and he got there in time. Went into the locker room when Bob made a run for it. Stopped him from bleeding out." He sighed, running a hand over his face and feeling the injustice of it all hit him again. Pony had just been going to track practice. He'd been focusing on school and going to that doctor and running track…he'd been doing so much better.

And Bob fucking Sheldon couldn't just leave him alone.

Darry wanted to get ahold of him so bad he couldn't hardly stand it. Wanted to use his muscles and show that asshole what happened to people who hurt his family.

"It wasn't looking too good for a while, but he's doing a lot better now."

"Yeah?" James asked, voice tight, and Darry nodded even though he couldn't see him.

"Yeah. He's awake more and talking. He'll probably start complaining about wanting to go home soon."

"What about the soc? Bob?"

"They arrested him." Darry didn't tell him that Pony was trying to insist it was self defense. He was afraid James might catch the next bus to Tulsa and try to shake some sense into his little brother. "He'd better not show his face around, either. We rumbled. Beat the shit out of those socs. Should have given them worse."

"He's alright now, though?"

"Yeah. He's gonna be okay." Darry didn't tell him about the doctor asking if he wanted a priest. If he wanted to talk to a pastor. The number of times they'd warned him to prepare himself, as if that was possible. Instead, he just left it at that.

"Alright, man. I've got to get to work. Say hi that kid brother of yours for me. And have him call me when he can, will ya?"

Darry promised he would, the two of them saying their goodbyes, and then he figured it was time to get back to Pony.

Back at the hospital, Two-Bit told him he'd wait in the waiting room, dropping into a chair and clutching his hands in his lap. Darry wanted to ask if he was alright…if he didn't want to come see Pony. Two was keeping his distance, and Darry worried that he was back to drinking himself half to death, but he seemed sober. Deciding to worry about that later, he headed for Pony's room, duffle bag hitched over his shoulder.

Rita was sitting at his side, one of her hands on his as he slept, careful of the needle there. When Darry stepped into the room, she smiled at him, looking tired. "Get some sleep?"

"I did. Thank you for staying with him. Has he slept this whole time?" He sat in the chair by the wall, not wanting to rush her off.

"He woke up some, but not for very long. The doctor stopped by, but they wouldn't tell me anything since I'm not family."

Darry shook his head. "You're his family, Rita. Pony knows it, and so do we."

"It doesn't matter," she brushed it off, and he was going to argue, but she went on. "He asked if Richard was here…he had nightmares about him."

He swallowed hard, hating to think of how she'd felt, hearing that name.

"He came to me, you know? Ponyboy. Last Thursday before Dallas took him to track practice."

Darry shook his head, leaning in as she turned to face him, her hand still resting on Pony's. "I didn't even know he was going to track practice," he admitted. Not that he would have told him not to…like he'd told Mr. Williams, he'd thought Pony would be safe at school, with teachers and the guys around.

"He didn't want to fight in that rumble," she confided, lowering her voice. "I don't blame him. He's had to fight enough." Rita wiped a hand over her face. "He woke up after you left and as soon as he heard my voice, it was like he thought we were back in that house. Asked if I was okay…if Richard was here. He sounded so scared…but he was ready too. He's in the hospital after some rich asshole stabbed him, and he's ready to get up and fight our foster father so he can't hurt me."

Darry hadn't planned on letting him fight in the rumble…not because he'd thought Pony wouldn't want to, but because he'd been afraid of him losing control again…of accidentally hurting someone so bad they might take him away again. He'd suspected for a long time that his youngest brother didn't like rumbles…didn't like fighting. But he couldn't say he was upset to have it confirmed.

"I think he was scared to tell you two. Didn't want anyone to think he was a coward. He's not, though."

"I never would have thought that," he assured her softly, and she nodded, squeezing his hand. His little brother was a lot of things, but he was no coward. Darry knew that for sure.

"Do you have to go back to work this weekend?" she asked then, and he nodded, fine with changing the subject.

"I need to get back tomorrow. But Soda can stay with him. I'm sending him home to rest tonight so he can get some actual sleep."

"Keith can stay with him next week. Me too. I'll take off."

"You don't have to do that."

"I don't mind."

"Does Two-Bit?"

She smiled a bit at that. "He blames himself, you know? For all of this."

Darry shook his head. "This wasn't his fault."

"You and I know that…maybe that's a talk he just has to have with Ponyboy." She pulled her hand away and Pony shifted a little on the bed, wincing when even that movement must have hurt.

"Dal can stay with him some too." Darry told her. "He won't mind."

"Good. He shouldn't have to be alone."

Darry had to agree as he moved to the chair by Pony's bed as soon as she was gone. He couldn't help worry about his brother sleeping so much, but the doctors had assured him that it was because of the medicine, and that they'd wean him off of it soon. Darry was glad, even if he worried that Pony would be in even more pain. They told him that the more he rested, the quicker he'd get to feeling better, but Darry wished he could rest at home…not that he'd be okay with leaving him home alone any time soon.

Pony stirred after not too long, like he'd heard his thoughts and didn't want him worrying, and Darry brushed his hair back, resting his hand on his forehead and letting out a breath when he felt cool.

"Hey, little buddy. How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay," Pony muttered, blinking up at him and then glancing around the room, looking confused. "I thought Rita was here?"

"She was. She left a few minutes ago. Said she'd come by again soon though. She'll probably stay for a while when I'm back at work next week."

"You don't have to make people babysit me," Pony grumbled a little, rubbing a hand over his eyes like he was trying to wake up, and Darry's mouth twitched into a smile. "I'm fine."

"We can talk about that when you're home. For now, just let me worry in peace, huh?"

His brother grinned at that. "Yeah, okay. If you've gotta. You're gonna go gray soon if you don't cut it out, though."

Darry snorted, ruffling his hair and leaving his hand on Pony's head. "Whose fault is that, huh?"

He regretted the joke immediately when Pony lowered his eyes, jaw going tight. "I'm sorry, Dar."

"Pony…" Darry shook his head and leaned in. "I was kidding. This ain't your fault."

"I guess I shouldn't have gone to track practice."

"I'm surprised the coach let you run."

Pony tried for a smile. "Think I'll be able to run again before the season's over?"

Darry couldn't have hidden his skeptical look if he'd tried. "Sorry, Pone. I don't think so." At his downcast look, hand still on his hair. "There's always next year."

"Yeah, I guess." He yawned, shifting on the bed and wincing, Darry flinching in sympathy. Now that he was a little more awake, it had to be uncomfortable, laying flat on his back for so long, but he didn't know how to help him sit up without hurting him.

"You want some water?" he offered, not sure how else to help, and Pony surprised him by nodding. "I can help you sit up some. Let me get a nurse and see if we can get some more pillows."

It was tricky, but with the nurse's help, they managed, stacking the extra pillows behind his back and helping him sit up. It must have hurt, but Pony didn't say anything, just closed his eyes for a second, so pale he looked gray.

He took the glass of water Darry offered with a shaking hand, managing to take a few sips before nearly dropping it.

He'd be better soon, Darry told himself when the nurse came in, looking for the millionth time at his stomach and changing the dressing while Darry sat back out of the way, keeping Pony's hand firmly in his. Even if he couldn't run for a while, he'd still be okay. He was alive, and to Darry, that was all that mattered. So for the moment, Darry told him about talking to Mr. Williams and James, and promised that Pony could call them as soon as he got home.

Chapter Text

Now that Ponyboy was awake more, the hours he spent in bed felt unbearably long, and the weekend passed slower than seemed humanly possible. He was glad his fever was gone, and that he could sleep without those god awful fever dreams and nightmares that almost always included Richard, but he was less thankful for painful hours spent awake in bed, feeling too exhausted to focus, but not tired enough to sleep.

Rita had stayed with him on Friday, which had been surprising to wake up to. He'd heard her voice as he'd been coming out of sleep…had felt her warm hand brushing his hair back, and he'd immediately gone stiff, his brain taking him right back to that house.

"Rita? Are you okay?" he'd asked, his voice barely a whisper, and her fingers had brushed across his forehead. "Is he home?"

"I'm okay. We're both okay. He's not here. We're at the hospital. We're safe," she'd murmured soothingly, like he was a little kid or something.

He'd been kind of embarrassed when he'd opened his eyes to find her in the same chair that his brother had been sitting in last he'd checked, but she'd seemed perfectly at ease even as his memories of the last few days had come back.

"Darry needed to get some sleep, so I told him I'd stay with you."

"You don't have to do that…I'm alright."

"I know. I don't mind. I thought we could finish our conversation."

It had taken him a long moment to remember what she was talking about…but then it had hit him. The rumble. Him seeking her out at work while Dally went to get smokes. Trying to explain that he didn't want to fight but getting interrupted. He'd shaken his head, feeling even more embarrassed. "It don't matter. The rumble already happened. We won, right?" He had remembered Dally telling him that when he'd been asleep, probably on Monday. But Soda hadn't gone…hadn't wanted to leave him.

"Yeah, that's what Darry said."

"I'll bet he was mad enough to win all on his own."

She'd smiled. "He was. When we were all sitting in that waiting room…I didn't know if he was going to be able to hold it together. The others either…Keith was so upset. Didn't even want to come in here. He blames himself, you know?"

He'd frowned at that, awake enough to know that was wrong. "What? Why?"

"He came to pick me up for a date instead of giving you a ride home."

"So? He didn't even know I'd be there."

She'd nodded, her gaze sad as she'd stared at the wall beside him. "I know." After a moment, she'd given him a tremulous smile. "We would have given you a ride home, you know? We wouldn't have minded."

"Rita…"

"I thought you were going to die. Like Li. I thought I was going to lose you too."

He hadn't known what to say, not with her looking at him like that, so sad and on the verge of tears. He couldn't stand to see women cry, and especially not Rita. She'd almost never cried, not even at that house. So he'd tried to distract her. "I saw her, you know?"

"What?"

"Li," he'd told her softly, hoping she didn't think he was crazy. Like Darry, though, she'd just stared at him, looking serious if not somewhat confused.

"Li?" she'd repeated, leaning in and lowering her voice even though, as far as he could tell, they were the only ones in the room. "Lianne?"

He had nodded, waiting until he was sure she wasn't going to laugh in his face before going on. "When I was asleep…after Bob stabbed me, I woke up and I was outside the house." He hadn't needed to clarify. The look on her face had told him that she knew exactly what house he meant.

She'd stared down at her hands clutched in her lap for a moment, shoulders tense, and then she'd taken a shuddering breath. "What did she say?"

"That she didn't blame me."

"Of course she wouldn't." Rita had gripped his hand fiercely, leaning in closer, her eyes soft and so sad. "Lianne was…she was a tough kid. She didn't let anyone get close…except you. She really looked up to you. Thought you were a hero."

He'd flushed at that, rolling his eyes. "I aint a hero, Rita."

"Of course you are." The sincerity in her voice had taken him aback. "Ponyboy…you saved my life. If it hadn't been for you…I don't know what I'd have done. You were the only person who ever stood up for me. God knows Mark and Tyler never did."

Uncomfortable, he'd tried to brush that off. "She told me about them…said they're living in California."

She had thought about it for a moment before leaning back in the chair, thoughtful. "I wonder if it's true."

He hadn't even thought to question it…Li had just known. But he'd shrugged. "I don't care," he admitted. "I don't want to find them."

"Neither do I. They weren't family. Not like you."

Pony hadn't quite managed to keep himself from grinning at her, her fingers squeezing his, careful of the needle sticking out of his hand. "Yeah. I know."

"And you not wanting to go fight a bunch of rich kids…that doesn't mean you aren't tough and brave, because you are. You are the bravest person I've ever known."

He'd flushed at that, averting his eyes and fighting the urge to brush it off. She meant it though…and it felt real good, to know that she thought that much of him. He'd always known he was kind of different from his brothers and the guys…he'd just never thought that maybe it didn't have to be a bad thing. At least, Rita didn't think it was. And he knew Soda didn't either.

They had moved on to lighter topics, her chatting about her job and Two-Bit and the apartment she'd been looking at until he'd fallen asleep, waking to find Darry at his side instead. For just a second, he'd wondered if he'd somehow dreamed all of it…that Rita had never been there at all, but Darry had assured him that she had.

Soda did his best to entertain him over the weekend, laying in the bed beside him, the two of them watching daytime television for hours until Pony nodded off from boredom more than exhaustion. He tried not to complain too much, though, waiting until Darry was out of the room on Sunday afternoon to finally grumble, "Can I go home yet?"

Grinning, Soda shook his head, squeezing him a little, his arm around Pony's shoulders. "Not until the doctor says so. Darry's gonna say the same thing too, so don't even think about it kiddo. We just about lost you. We ain't about to risk leaving too early."

Pony hadn't argued, as much as he'd wanted to. By Sunday he felt more awake than before, but he still needed help to sit up and only picked at the food the nurses brought, his stomach hurting too much and feeling too sick to really eat much. Even with Darry and Soda worrying, he couldn't bring himself to try eating more.

He knew that his brothers had to go back to work, and on Sunday evening, Darry finally brought it up.

Pony was picking at the tray of food the nurse had brought him, trying to keep still and avoid tugging at his stitches. Soda had grabbed his crackers and was sitting beside him on the bed, tossing them up in the air and catching them in his mouth. Pony laughed when he missed, the cracker landing squarely between his eyes, and Darry snorted, shaking his head and fighting a smile. That pain medicine still made him awful tired a lot of the time, and he figured he'd probably fall asleep as soon as he was done eating even though it was only about six in the evening. His brothers looked tired too, and he felt bad about them not getting any real sleep, since they were staying with him, but he knew they wouldn't listen if he told them to just go home.

"I'm going to have the guys come by next week…until they let you go home," Darry told him once he pushed his tray towards Soda, watching his brother start in on the fruit cup.

"You don't have to do that. I'm alright by myself," Pony tried to tell him. They'd brought him some books from home, even though he was usually too out of it to focus on them, and he spent most of his time watching TV or sleeping anyway. It was annoying how tired he was, and he'd rather have his brothers with him, but they'd already missed enough work because of him.

"Sure you are," Soda cut in, agreeing easily. "They just want to see you, you dig? They were worried, and those nurses won't let more than two people in here at a time."

Pony wasn't sure how to argue with that, so he nodded, shrugging a little. If they wanted to spend all their free time in a hospital room, he figured he couldn't stop them, but he knew he wouldn't be very good company. "When can I go home?" he asked instead, finally daring to bring it up to Darry, and Soda grinned to himself.

Darry shook his head though. "As soon as those doctors say so. You probably need to eat more though."

Soda was doing a good job of not looking too worried, but Pony wasn't fooled. Both of his brothers had taken to trying to get him to eat more over the last two days, bribing him with secret snack cakes and Pepsi that they snuck into his room. He tried to eat them, sharing the bottles of Pepsi with Soda. They were usually his favorite, but every movement seemed to hurt, even chewing, and all he wanted to do was sleep until it didn't hurt anymore.

He fell asleep not too long after he finished picking at his dinner, head resting on Soda's shoulder, and the next thing he knew, his brother was crawling out of bed, and Darry was brushing his hair back. "Dar?" he asked, blinking bleary-eyed up at him.

"Hey, Pone. We're gonna head home and get ready for work. Dally's gonna come and stay with you in a little while, okay?"

Pony nodded, falling asleep again almost immediately, and didn't wake until he smelled cigarette smoke.

He opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling for a minute, nose wrinkling at the smell as he turned his face away with a shudder. He knew he was in a hospital bed, but he couldn't help thinking about that porch and the feeling of a lit cigarette pressed into his skin.

"You with me, kid?" Dallas asked, not sounding like he cared one way or the other, but Pony wasn't fooled. He remembered being in that field with Lianne and Dally's voice, ordering him to wake up…the way he'd sounded like he'd been crying.

Turning to face his friend, he nodded, blinking a few times and rubbing a hand over his eyes. "Yeah. Hey, Dal."

He wanted to tell Dal to put the cigarette out, but no one told Dally what to do, not even from a hospital bed. He seemed to get it anyway, pressing the lit tip to the bottom of his boot, waving it around and then sticking it behind his ear once it had cooled. For a long moment, Dally just looked at him, jaw tight, and, to Pony's surprise, he dropped a hand onto Pony's shoulder, eyes weirdly bright.

If it wasn't Dallas Winston sitting in front of him, Pony thought he might have been crying at some point.

"Dal?" he asked, still too weak to sit up on his own, but Dally just squeezed his shoulder, almost too tight. "You alright?"

His buddy barked out a mirthless laugh, shaking his head and looking at the wall for a long minute. "Fuck, man…it's been a real shitty week, you know that?"

Pony grinned a little. "Miss me?"

"Smartass," Dal half whispered, shaking his head, but his hand stayed on Ponyboy's shoulder. "Thought you weren't gonna wake up, kid. That asshole got you good."

"Tell me about it," he grumbled, still irritated that he couldn't even sit up without help. "You whipped those socs though, right?"

"Yeah we did. Your brothers tell you about it?"

"Not really…you did," Pony reminded him. "You said Soda wouldn't go."

Dally stared at him, blinking a few times like he'd started speaking another language or something.

"On Monday," Pony pressed. "You were here, right? When Darry and Soda went to work."

His buddy nodded. "Yeah, kid…I was here."

"And you told me I had to wake up…that you guys beat those socs even though Soda wouldn't go."

He nodded again, laughing a little, but he didn't seem to find it funny. "How the hell did you know that?"

Pony grinned a little. "I heard you, Dal."

Dally didn't seem to know what to think about that. He just stared at him for a second, hand still on his shoulder. Then he shrugged, huffing out a breath and shaking his head. "Yeah, alright. Jesus, kid, try not to pull something like again, okay? About gave your brothers a heart attack."

"He was the one that stabbed me, remember?"

Dally's eyes narrowed, glinting dangerously. "Believe me, kid. I remember. And don't you worry, we ain't about to forget any time soon."

Pony thought about trying to explain to him that Bob had been scared…that to him, it had been life or death, and that he'd been trying to protect himself. That Bob had regretted it as soon as he'd done it. Pony had seen that in his eyes as he'd stood, backing away, looking down at Pony in horror and knowing that he'd made a mistake.

But that conversation hadn't gone well with Darry, and he doubted it would go over any better with Dal. So he kept his mouth shut, listening instead as Dally gave him a blow by blow of the rumble.

Dally stayed with him until a nurse brought a tray for Pony's lunch, helping him sit up by piling pillows behind his back and waving Ponyboy off when he went to thank him. He picked off of the tray as Pony tried to eat some of the fruit cup at least, knowing he needed to keep eating but not really feeling up to it. The hospital food was pretty lousy anyway, and Dal grimaced at the sight of the pathetic looking sandwich they'd brought him, going for the jello cup instead.

"Glory, kid, no wonder you're not eating," he grumbled before the nurse had even left the room, and Pony winced when she glanced back at them, looking unimpressed.

"I ain't really hungry," he told him, grinning when Dal pulled a chocolate snack cake out of his pocket and dropped it on the tray.

"Go on," Dal urged, jerking his chin toward it. "You gotta eat something." Pony held up the fruit cup, making his friend roll his eyes, then gave in and unwrapped it, downing it in a couple of bites.

He was ready to nod off after eating, and Dal eased him back down so he could lay down, gentler than Pony had known he was capable of being.

"Alright kid, I'm gonna head out. I'll see you around, okay?"

Pony nodded, already half asleep, and the last thing he knew was Dally patting him on the shoulder. "See you, Dally," he muttered, trying thank him for coming, but he was asleep before he could go on, pain meds kicking in to knock him out.

He didn't know how long he was asleep, but he finally opened his eyes again and stared at the ceiling for a moment, quickly realizing like he did every time he woke up that any kind of movement would be a bad idea. When he glanced over, wondering if he'd find another one of the guys or if he would be on his own for a while, Two-Bit was sitting in a chair beside him, hands clasped, elbows on his knees.

"Hey, Two," he rasped, wincing at the sound of his own voice. He still sounded bad…like he was in a lot of pain…which he was. But the pain medicine was helping some, and as long as he sat still, it didn't hurt too bad.

"You asked me why I quit drinking."

Pony blinked at the abrupt statement, trying to remember when he'd done that and wondering why Two wanted to talk about that of all things when he hadn't seen him in what felt like forever. It had been at least a week…when had he last talked to Two, he wondered, trying to remember. Everything felt kind of fuzzy, which he blamed on the pain medicine. He guessed he had asked Two-Bit that…but he'd usually been messing around. He didn't care if Two-Bit drank, and it was good to see him cut back. He'd worried some before.

Two-Bit stared at him with red-rimmed eyes, looking close to crying. "It's because of you…you and Susie. I had to look after you."

Pony felt his heart drop, and he shook his head. "Two…"

"Becuase if I hadn't been so fucking drunk that night…" His voice broke and he wiped a hand impatiently over his face. "If I hadn't been wanting to get home and drink some more, then I would have walked you home."

Pony closed his eyes, feeling Two-Bit's guilt and grief mingle with his own.

"And then none of this would have happened."

"This wasn't your fault." He tried to make his voice strong…to sound as sure as he felt. "None of this was your fault."

"If I'd just…if I'd just walked you two home…if I hadn't been thinking about going home and…and fucking…drinking some more…"

"Two-Bit…"

"You wouldn't have fallen asleep in that lot. You and Darry wouldn't have gotten into it. You'd have never been in that park at two in the damn morning."

Pony shook his head again, but his friend didn't seem to be able to stop the words pouring out of his mouth. "They wouldn't have taken you away from your family. You wouldn't have been put with that asshole…damnit, I could kill him. You know that? I could kill Richard Norton with my bare fucking hands."

"I know," Pony told him softly, and he did. He didn't doubt Two-Bit for even a second.

"They took you away and…we can't be the gang without you. You and Johnny. You're the kids. We were supposed to look out for you. And then you were gone and…shit kid, I don't think I stopped drinking until they came after Susie."

Pony winced at that. He didn't think he'd ever felt worse about all this than when he found out that Richard had sent two of his friend's to Tulsa to try and intimidate his family, and that they'd gone after Susie to get to Two-Bit. She'd never admitted how shaken up she'd been…how terrifying it had been to have two men come into her bedroom when she'd been alone at night. She'd managed to get away and had run over to the house, and Darry and Tim had been there to protect her…but still. Pony knew what Richard's friends were like.

"Now, every time I pick up a bottle, I think about that day they took you, or about Susie, crying because those men tried to hurt her. Because I left her alone."

"You don't do that anymore, though," Pony reminded him. "You always make sure you stay home when your mom has to work. Susie's fine."

"But you aren't."

"I'm fine, Two-Bit. I just…"

"I thought you were gonna die. You know that? And it was worse than when we thought Richard killed you, because I should have been there! I should have asked Rita to wait. I knew Bob had it out for you! I should have taken you home!"

Pony just watched, heart aching, as Two-Bit gritted his teeth, dropping his head into his hands, shoulders tensing as he seemed to hold his breath to keep from bawling.

"I should have been looking out for you."

He reached out, ignoring the twinge of pain at the movement, and wrapped his hand around Two-Bit's wrist, which was the only part of him he could reach. "You always look out for me," he told him, voice just above a whisper. "More than just about anyone. There's no way you could have known that Bob would come into that locker room."

"They asked Darry if he wanted a priest." Two-Bit looked up at him, a tear finally falling. "They thought you were gonna die, so they asked if he wanted a priest to do last rites."

"Did Darry tell them we ain't Catholic?" Pony asked, lifting an eyebrow, and that made Two-Bit snort.

"He told them to get the hell out." He hesitated for a moment, seeming to search for his words. "I…I don't want you to die, kid. I couldn't stand it when they kept telling us to 'prepare for it' or some shit. How the hell could I ever prepare for that? You're my family…like my little brother."

"I ain't gonna die," Pony told him, voice soft. "Not now, at least. Hell, maybe they'll even let me go home soon." He swallowed hard, knowing that he was probably about to make Two mad, but figuring he'd give it a shot. Mad was better than sad, anyway. "Bob…he…he didn't mean to."

Two narrowed his eyes at that, and Pony dropped his, but he kept talking.

"He was scared. We were fighting and…"

"He jumped you," Two reminded him, voice hard, and Pony nodded.

"Yeah…he did. But I was winning," he told him with a little smile, not daring to look up into his friend's eyes. Still, he heard Two huff out a laugh at that. "He thought it was going to be like last time…in that locker room. He thought I was going to keep hitting him."

"Were you?"

"No," Pony told him, shaking his head. "I was getting off of him. I didn't want to fight him…I don't even like fighting, Two," he admitted, feeling his cheeks flush. He'd dropped his hand from Two-Bit's arm, but now his friend reached out and clasped his shoulder like Dally had earlier this morning. "He was scared and…after…he didn't mean to." He finally looked up at Two, worried he'd find the same anger he'd seen in Darry.

But Two-Bit just looked tired. "I don't care," he admitted. "Maybe he didn't…maybe he feels bad about it. But he left you there to die. Steve said he was running when he went to find you…Bob Sheldon left you to bleed out on the floor. None of us are going to forgive him for that, whether he meant to or not."

And Pony guessed he couldn't argue with that.

Chapter Text

It was another three days before they let him go home, and Pony was about ready to climb the walls by the time they let him out…at least, he would have been ready to climb the walls if he could do more than walk five feet to the bathroom, and even that was a strain.  But by Wednesday night he could finally walk without help, and he could choke down most of a meal a couple of times a day.  His brothers didn’t look so scared anymore, thankfully, and even though the guys and Rita took turns hanging around his room, they weren’t always so careful to make sure he was never alone.

On Monday, Two-Bit stayed until Soda got off work and came over, followed by Darry.  Two-Bit spent the morning catching him up on what had been going on at school, not seeming to mind when Pony fell asleep halfway through his story, brushing off his apology when Pony woke up.  But his friend seemed to have trouble looking at him, his eyes always on the wall right past him, and Pony figured he still felt guilty.  He guessed he was just glad that Two-Bit was willing to come into his room.  Rita had mentioned how he hadn’t wanted to before.  

On Tuesday morning, he woke to find Steve Randal at his bedside, flipping absently through his history textbook as his leg bounced.  The sight of it reminded him of how much homework he’d missed and he groaned, dropping his head against the pillow.

“Kid?” Steve asked, sounding like he was on the verge of panic.

“Did anyone get my homework?” 

He snorted, relaxing and looking back down at his textbook.  “You really think Superman is going to let you do homework right now?  I’d probably lose a tooth if I tried it.”

Pony looked at him for a moment…at the way he smiled a little, looking amused but still worried, and at the fading bruises around his slightly crooked nose.  “Aren’t you supposed to be in school?  It’s Tuesday, right?”

“We’re taking turns hanging out here.”

He was almost surprised that Steve hadn’t made a joke about babysitting, but his brother’s buddy didn’t seem like he was in the mood to make jokes.  Pony pressed his lips together, then tried to sit up a little.  It barely worked, but he felt a little better, not being flat on his back, and Steve moved without being asked, adjusting the pillows behind him until he was sitting up more.  “I’m sorry about your nose,” Pony blurted, looking right into Steve’s eyes and hoping he could see that he was serious.

The blood seemed to drain from Steve’s face, making the old faded bruises around his nose stand out all the more.  But Pony went on.

“I didn’t mean to…I didn’t know it was you.  And…I mean, I’ve wanted to hit you before, but not like that.”  He tried to smile, but Steve just stared at him before shaking his head.

“Shut up, kid.”

“But I didn’t…”

“Jesus, I know you didn’t mean to.”  Steve put his hands on his face, wiping them over his eyes and huffing out a breath that sounded almost like a laugh.  “That’s what you were saying…bleeding out in that locker room, you were telling me you were sorry.”  He shook his head.  “I had to leave you there to get help and I didn’t know if you were gonna make it.  It sure didn’t seem like it.”  

“Still…you can hit me back if you want,” Pony tried again to joke, and this time Steve did laugh, but his eyes were wet.

“Maybe some other time, Ponyboy.  I don’t think you could take it right now.  Besides, I don’t feel like dealing with your big brother right now.  Darry might actually break my jaw if I tried it.”  He sighed, looking critically down at Pony and seeming to think for a second.  “How do you feel?”

“Better than I was.”  

And that was about all that Pony could say.  His stomach ached, but not as bad as before, and he was still groggy, but he could sit up and have a conversation, so that felt like an improvement too.  

“Shit, the only way you could be worse was if you were dead.”  

Pony had a feeling he’d meant it to be a joke, but his voice came out soft and serious.  “He’s locked up, isn’t he?”

“Yeah.  They’ve got him in custody.  And Soda already told me you were trying to say he didn’t mean to try and kill you, so don’t bother with that shit.  He just about killed you, whether he meant to or not, and then he left you there to die.”

“He thought I was going to kill him.”

“Were you?”  There was nothing but curiosity in Steve’s voice, just like when Two-Bit had asked, and Pony shook his head.

“No.  I…I don’t even like fighting, Steve,” he admitted, blurting it out without thinking and repeating the words he’d said to Two.

“Good.  You’re shit at it anyway.”

Pony’s jaw dropped, but before he could snap back, Steve grinned, chuckling a little, and Pony relaxed, rolling his eyes.  “I was winning that fight before he pulled a blade out.”

“You’re not like us, kid.  You know?  You’re too smart for this place.  And if you tell anyone I said that, I’ll knock your block off, but you are.  You’re going to get out of here and do something with yourself.”

Pony almost didn’t say the next words, but he’d nearly died, and Steve had saved his life, so maybe they were something like friends now.  “So are you.”

Steve just blinked at him, but Pony went on.

“You’re better with cars than anybody in this town, and you get good grades.  You could go to school.  Be a mechanic…make good money.”  He shrugged, trailing off and trying not to feel embarrassed, half expecting Steve to brush him off, but his brother’s buddy nodded a little to himself, smiling almost fondly.  

“You think so?”

“Sure.”  

Steve was quiet for a minute, and when he spoke again, his voice was soft.  “You know…in that locker room you uh…you asked me about Richard.” 

Pony flinched a little at the name on reflex.  “I did?”

“Yeah…asked me if he was there.  In the locker room.  You said….you said you always thought it would be him that killed you.”

Pony shrugged a little.  “I did.”

“Said you wanted him to.”

 “Would have hurt less,” Pony told his hands with a wry smile.  “I wanted to keep him from hurting Rita and Li, you know?   But sometimes…sometimes I just wanted it to be over.”

“It is over.”  Steve leaned in, hands clenched.  “He ain’t never coming near you again, you hear?”

Pony nodded.  He knew they wouldn’t ever let Richard touch him again even if he were to get out of prison.  “Yeah.  I know.”

Steve was looking at his arms, and Pony had to fight not to pull them back.  He’d been in too much pain to think too much about the fact that the hospital gown left his arms bare, but he was real aware of it all of a sudden, and he stared down at the little round scars he’d probably have for the rest of his life.

“I should have just quit,” he muttered, crossing his arms over his chest, finally giving in to the urge to hide them as best he could.  

“We should have killed him before the cops could arrest him,” Steve grumbled, looking away.  “You hungry?”  he asked, and Pony nodded, glad for the subject change.  It was true…for the first time in a while, he really was.  Steve pulled himself to his feet.  “Alright.  I’m going to run out and find something for breakfast.  You’ve got to be sick of hospital food.”

He left and came back about twenty minutes later with bags of fast food, the two of them watching TV in silence for a while while Steve flipped through his textbook, presumably doing his own homework.  Pony didn’t ask about his again.  He sure was sick of being behind in school, but he figured it wasn’t worth it to risk upsetting Darry.  Darry had been real mad when he’d said that Bob hadn’t meant to cause all this…but now that Pony felt awake enough to actually think, looking back, he realized that he hadn’t been scared.

Darry had been yelling, or just about, and Pony hadn’t been afraid of him.  He hadn't thought about Richard…he’d just wanted to make sure they didn’t kick his brother out of his room.  And back when he’d first gotten back, he knew that if Darry had yelled at him like that, he would have freaked out.  He’d been pretty freaked out when Bob’s dad had yelled at him too…but he still felt a lot better than when he’d first come home.  His hands didn’t shake anymore, and he didn’t worry that Darry wanted to get rid of him…to send him away.  

Now he knew that his brothers loved him more than anything…that they would have done anything they could have to get him back.  

The doctor came in to check on him after they ate, and Steve headed out, taking the garbage from their take out breakfast with him and telling Pony he’d see him later.  The doctor didn’t say anything about the fast food, instead focusing on getting Pony to his feet so he could walk around a little.  It was rough, especially since he’d been in bed for so long.  He felt stiff and sore, but he knew that the faster he could walk around on his own, the faster he could go home.  Still, by the time the doctor let him lay back down, he was about ready to drop off.

Johnny showed up around lunchtime, book in hand as he sat beside Pony’s bed.  It was the first time he’d stayed awake for almost a whole day, and he didn’t mind being alone, but he was glad to see Johnny.  He hadn’t seen his friend in what felt like forever, and when Johnny sat down in the chair by his bed, he could see in his eyes that he had missed Pony just as much as Pony had missed him.  

“How you doing, Pone?”  

“I’m alright.  Better than I was,” he told him around a yawn.

“Yeah…tell me about it,” Johnny told him with a little smile.  He didn’t have to tell Pony that he’d been scared…that he’d thought he was going to die.  Pony could see it in Johnny’s eyes.  They’d spent a lot of time together over the last year.  For a long time, Johnny had been the only family he’d had around…Johnny was the one that had left everything behind to come be with him in New York.  He was his brother, just as much as Soda and Darry.  “I was here last Monday,” Johnny told him.  “Me and Dal.”

“I heard Dal talking.  I didn’t hear you.”

“Didn’t feel much like talking,” Johnny admitted, then seemed to take in what he’d said.  “You heard him?”

Pony nodded.  He wanted to tell him about Li, and what she’d said about Mark and Tyler, and about Johnny and the guys all being real worried, but in the end he just jerked his chin toward the book in his hand, knowing they’d talk about it later.  “Is that homework?”

“No,” he told him, shaking his head.  “Darry won’t let none of us bring you your homework either, so don’t bother asking.”  Johnny grinned when Pony did.  “I thought you might like to read.” 

“It’s not Dune , is it?” he asked, and Johnny laughed.  

“Nah, I knew you didn’t much like that one.”  He held up To Kill A Mockingbird.  “You read this one?”

“Yeah, but it’s good.  You want to take turns?”

“That’s alright.  I’ll read for a while.  You’re supposed to rest.  You need anything?”

“I’m alright.”  He leaned back against the pillows and Johnny began to read, and if Pony closed his eyes, it was almost like they were in James’s apartment, or out in the lot, just the two of them.  When Pony had been real sick, Johnny had read to him some, and Pony had done the same when Johnny had had a concussion, so it felt like those times.  They hadn’t been good times…he’d been scared through most of it…scared or numb, one, but Johnny had made it bearable.

Now though, he finally felt alright, despite still being sore and stuck in a hospital bed.   He wondered what his brothers had told his therapist, and how James and Mr. Williams had reacted when Darry had called them.  He hoped they weren’t too worried.  They’d all worried a lot about him, and he didn’t want them to have to anymore.  After all this, he thought, he’d sure like to stay out of trouble for a while.

Johnny’s voice must have lulled him to sleep because the next thing he knew, Pony was blinking himself awake as a warm, calloused hand brushed against his forehead.  Darry was silhouetted in the overhead light, and Pony wiped a hand over his eyes, feeling so drowsy he could hardly focus…so much for making it a full day without a nap, he thought wryly.  

“Hey,” he muttered, and Darry brushed his short hair back.  

“Hey, kiddo.  How do you feel?”

“‘M okay.  How was work?”

“It was fine.”

“I’m gonna head home,” Johnny put in, waving to Pony, and he wanted to apologize for falling asleep, but his friend didn’t look upset or nothing. “See you guys later.”

“Thanks, Johnnycakes.  See you around,” Darry called, dropping into that same chair.  

He looked tired, Pony though as he wiped a hand over his eyes again, trying to wake up some more.  “You just get off?” he asked, sitting up a little, and Darry reached out, helping him adjust the pillow behind his back.  

“Yeah.  Soda went home to take a shower and get some more clothes.  I’ll head home when he gets here.”

“You don’t have to take turns babysitting me.  You ought to go home and rest.”

Darry ruffled his hair, smiling a little.  “I’m fine, kiddo.  Don’t worry about me, okay?”

Pony wanted to tell him that that was impossible…that he couldn’t stop worrying about Darry any more than Darry and Soda could stop worrying about him, but he let it go.  “Think they’ll let me out any time soon?”

“The doctor said you were able to get up today…so they’re thinking about letting you go home tomorrow or Thursday, depending on how you’re feeling.  They want you to practice walking around some, but you can’t overdo it.  And don’t try it if no one’s here,” he warned, making Pony remember how scared he’d sounded when he’d been with Li in that field…how he’d cried, begging Pony to wake up.  

He sounded angry, but he was scared.

“I won’t,” Pony promised, and his brother deflated a little when he saw that he was serious.  

“Good,” he murmured, nodding to himself like he’d just checked something off a list.  “You feel okay?”

“Just tired…I only walked for a couple of minutes,” he grumbled a little, and Darry grinned, squeezing his shoulder.

“I know.  It’s the first time you’ve been out of bed in a while.  Makes sense you’d be tired.  You need to get up again?”

Pony nodded.  As much as he dreaded the thought of getting back up, he had to use the bathroom.  So Darry helped him up, moving real slow and careful, even more gentle than he’d been since Pony had come back home.

Darry stuck around until Soda got there, then headed home to get cleaned up right as the nurse was bringing him a tray of dinner.  Pony caught Soda up on what he’d done that day (not much) and listened to him talk about the DX while he picked at his food, Soda occasionally swiping things too.  And when Pony finally started to drop off, Soda climbed onto the bed, stretching out and throwing a careful arm around him.  

“You okay, Pony?  Really?” Soda asked him softly once he’d switched the lamp off, and Pony nodded.  Sometimes, when they were just talking or hanging out, even though they were in a hospital room, it was easy to forget how scared Sodapop had been…how he’d been screaming at doctors and ready to fight.

How he’d thought Pony was going to die.  

That was twice in a year that Soda had been afraid he was going to lose him.  Hell, three times if he counted when they’d first taken him.  So Ponyboy nudged him a little, grinning in the dark.

“Yeah, Soda. I’m fine,” he assured him.  

“You promise?”

“Yeah.  I promise.”

 All of Wednesday was spent mostly on his own, although Johnny stopped by again after school. This time they talked more, and Johnny helped him walk around the room a little.  It was just for a few minutes, but already he felt steadier on his feet, despite the near constant ache in his stomach that made walking around hard…hell, that made everything hard.  Johnny didn’t fuss too much, thankfully, just helped him sit back down, then headed to work when it was time.  Pony wanted to ask him if it was alright for him to miss so much school, but it seemed kind of ungrateful, so he kept his mouth shut.

On Thursday morning, he woke up around seven according to the clock on the table next to the bed, and he was surprised to find Darry sitting at his side, skimming a newspaper he must have brought from home.  The night before, Soda had been the one to stay with him again, Darry picking up an extra shift at the warehouse and heading home to sleep.  He’d shaved, the stubble threatening to grow into a full beard completely gone now, and he looked like he’d actually gotten some sleep.

“Ain’t you gonna be late for work?” Pony asked, rubbing a hand over his eyes and wishing he could sit up.  

Darry’s head jerked up, newspaper forgotten, and he grinned.  “Hey.  You feeling alright?”

“Sure,” he muttered, pushing himself up on one elbow, and Darry moved immediately, adjusting the pillows behind him so that he could lean against them.  “When did you get here?”

“About an hour ago.”

“What about work?”

“They were talking about letting you go home today.  I figured I’d stick around just in case they did.”

“Can we afford it?”

Darry softened, getting that look on his face that Pony used to think meant he was getting irritated.  But he was more concerned than anything, ruffling Pony’s hair and smiling when Pony swatted him away.  “We’re fine, Pone.  Don’t worry about that.”

Pony had a hard time believing that, considering how much work Darry had missed because of him, but he didn’t think he would be willing to talk about it, so he let it drop.

They did let him go home, giving him the good news an hour or so later, and Pony tried not to think about how much the hospital bill would be with him spending so much time there as Darry signed all the papers the doctor handed him.  He didn’t ask, knowing that Darry wouldn’t be too happy with him if he did.  He just let his brother help him into some actual clothes, then into a wheelchair, fighting the urge to insist he could walk.

He couldn’t.  Not all the way to Darry’s truck.

Once they were back at the house, he went straight to his room like Darry ordered once his brother had helped him inside, laying back on the pillows that he’d propped up for him.  He half expected Darry to give more orders…to tell him he’d better not get up unless he had some help.  But even though Darry was scared, his brother just looked at him for a moment as he sat beside him on the bed.

“You gonna go in late?” Pony asked, figuring the answer was yes, and he wondered why his brother hadn’t left yet.  Darry had taken off plenty lately, and even though he told him not to worry, Pony couldn’t help it.  What if they couldn’t pay the mortgage?  What if he got taken away again?

He’d run, he thought with cold certainty.  He’d run right back to James’s apartment because anything was better than going back to a boy’s home.  

“Nah.  I took the day.”

Ponyboy blinked at him, pulled out of his dark thoughts.  “You ain’t gotta do that.  I’m fine.”

“Who said it had anything to do with you?  Maybe I want a vacation.”  He grinned when he said it, and Pony snorted.  

“Some vacation, sitting around with me stuck in bed.”

“Best vacation I could ask for, kiddo,” Darry told him softly, not kidding anymore as he sat on the bed, a hand pressed to Pony’s forehead before he brushed his hair back.  Then he smiled a little, looking his age for once.  “This sure has been a shitty year, huh?”

That surprised a laugh out of Ponyboy who nodded, closing his eyes and resting his head on the pillow.  “Yeah.  You can say that again.”

He stared down at Pony, clearing his throat and sounding so afraid.  “I thought they were right, you know?  I thought…I thought you were going to die,” he admitted in a near whisper.

“I’m sorry, Dar.”

“And I kept thinking…maybe I should have let them bring that priest.”

“We ain’t Catholic,” Pony reminded him, opening his eyes again and trying to smile, but Darry didn’t look like he could joke around.  He looked…young.  And scared.  Like Pony’s older brother who had stepped up and who’d taken on every responsibility overnight, and who had been faced with losing another part of his family over and over in the past year.  “I never wanted a priest,” he told his brother then, voice so soft he was surprised Darry could hear him.  “Not when Bob stabbed me, and not when I thought Richard was going to kill me…hell, when I wished he’d just go ahead and do it.  Get it over with already.”

Darry flinched at that, but Pony went on.

“I just wanted you.  You and Soda.”

His brother gripped his hand, nodding and pressing his lips together as he closed his eyes like he was fighting awful hard not to cry. 

Chapter Text

"Good morning, Ponyboy."

"Good morning, Doctor Song." Pony grinned a little, carefully sitting back on the sofa. He'd been out of the hospital for a little over a week, and as long as he didn't move too much, he did okay. Soda had barely even had to help him, except for the stairs, which had been a pain, but Soda was patient and Pony was determined to get back to normal as fast as possible…well…as fast as Darry would let him.

But Darry hadn't been the only one hovering. Although he was now allowed to do his homework, any one of the guys would get on him if they caught him working on it for too long. Even Dally…although Dally's version of 'concern for his well being' was swatting the book out of his hand and ordering him to give it a rest. Then they'd play cards or watch TV or something. Still, Dally was real careful with him, not even acting like he was going to pretend to punch him, which was Dal's go to for playing around.

Two-Bit was back to making sure he ate, and although, as far as Pony knew, he'd never told his brothers about what had happened at track tryouts, Pony didn't want to risk him deciding to enlighten them. So he ate the snacks and fast food the gang snuck him, all of them trying to hide it from Darry who insisted on things like vegetables. Pony couldn't bring himself to mind too much that his brother wanted him to eat healthy…having someone actually care about him still felt like something that was too good to be true sometimes. Darry loved him. More than anything. So of course he'd want him to eat right and stay in bed when he was hurting.

Even Steve had taken to checking in on him, showing up at the house when he should be in school. After the first weekend he'd spent at home, Darry really had needed to go back to work, and although Pony knew his brother hated it, he promised that he was fine. That he'd be careful. That the guys would probably check in anyway since the lazy greasers would take any chance they could to skip school. That last one had made him laugh, and on Monday morning, Pony had spent about an hour and a half alone before Steve had showed up.

The one who pretended not to like him. Pony had to smile when he remembered Lianne's words.

Rita had come by too, a couple of times, and they'd sat together in the living room, him telling her about Lianne and what she'd said to him in that field, and her catching him up on stuff going on around town. She'd told him that Darry had been talking to that girl he liked some according to Two-Bit, just keeping her caught up on what was going on, so it seemed like that girl Rita worked with wasn't going to catch her a Curtis boy anytime soon. She'd told him about Susie, and how worried she'd been, but also that she suspected Two-Bit's younger sister had found herself a secret boyfriend. He'd been sworn to secrecy, of course, so he hadn't mentioned it to Two-Bit, but he'd vowed to see if she seemed any different the next time she came over to borrow a book.

He'd called James on his first day home from the hospital, letting Darry help him into the living room. Darry had headed to the kitchen to get started on dinner before Soda got home, and Pony had dialed the number he'd memorized after months of seeing it on the refrigerator.

James, as always, had answered the phone as if inconvenienced by having one, and Pony had grinned.

"Hey. It's Ponyboy."

There had been a silence, and then a long exhale. "Jesus, kid. You about gave me a heart attack, you know that right?"

"Sorry…I didn't know Darry was going to call you."

"He should have called me sooner."

"Why? You would have just worried more."

"You've had enough people die to know the answer to that, don't you kid?"

Pony had flinched at the dark question, but he'd known the answer. To say goodbye, of course. He hadn't gotten to say goodbye to his parents, and he'd wondered, and would continue to wonder for years, if that would have made it any easier.

It had helped with Lianne, even if the goodbye had come after the fact.

"How you doing?" James had asked, voice somewhat subdued.

"I'm alright. Just got home today. I won't be running track for a while, but I can walk around the house some."

"And they arrested that guy that stabbed you?"

"Yeah…that's what my brother said. I don't know much about it though. Just that he's saying it was self-defense."

Pony had waited for James to ask if it was…if this had been like New York, when he'd about killed that guy at the store he'd worked at, but he didn't, so Pony had figured that James didn't much care.

They talked a little more, but pretty soon, Pony's eyes had been closing, head dropping back against Darry's recliner, and James must have noticed how tired he sounded, taking longer pauses between answering his questions, because his friend had laughed a little under his breath. "Alright, kid. I've got to get ready for work. How about you stay out of trouble for a while, huh? At least until I can come down and keep you out of trouble myself."

"You're coming back?" Pony had asked, perking up at the thought of seeing his friend again, and James had chuckled.

"Sure. Maybe around Christmas when the diner ain't so busy and T can cover for me. I'll see you around, alright?"

Pony had hung up the phone after exchanging goodbyes, and had fallen asleep not too much later, dreaming about New York and his friend, and this time, the dreams hadn't been too bad at all.

He'd also talked to Sue on the phone. It wasn't something they'd done much, what with the long distance, but when he'd answered the phone on Wednesday afternoon, after having spent most of the day alone since Rita had gone to work at ten, he'd been surprised to hear a familiar voice on the other line.

"Is this…Sodapop?"

Pony had blinked, staring at the phone and shaking his head as though he could see him. "Mr. Williams?"

"Yes…"

"It's…no, it's Ponyboy." The urge to clarify, to call himself Mike, had been there, but before he could, Mr. Williams had gone on.

"Ponyboy? I thought that was you." To Pony's surprise, he'd sounded relieved. "Your oldest brother called me…he said you were in the hospital."

"Oh…yeah. But I'm alright."

"He said another boy stabbed you in the stomach."

"He…yeah, he did. But I'm alright."

"Son, I'd hate to know what you'd consider not alright."

Pony had laughed at that, and after a moment, Mr. Williams had chuckled a little.

"I'm glad to hear that you're doing better. We hadn't heard anything and I wanted to check in."

He'd just mailed Sue a letter the day before (via Johnny who'd only grinned a little at the request to take it to the nearest mailbox on his way to work) but he guessed they'd been worried. For some reason, that had surprised him. "Yes, sir…sorry about that. Darry's been working a lot. Soda too. And that pain medicine they gave me makes me real tired. I should have thought to call you, though."

"It's no problem, Ponyboy. But there is someone here who would very much like to speak to you."

"Oh…yeah?"

"One moment."

And then another familiar voice had been in his ear. "Ponyboy?"

His heart had done a little flip, and he'd found himself grinning at the wall as he'd clutched the phone, sitting back in Darry's recliner. "Hey, Sue."

She'd given a little laugh, but it had sounded more upset than amused. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah…I'm fine. Sorry…I just sent you a letter yesterday."

"You got stabbed." It had been something between a bewildered question and an accusation, and so, even though he'd written most of it down just a day ago, Pony had told her the whole story, starting with Bob and his buddies in that park before he'd been taken away, even though she already knew that part, then moving on to how Bob had been bugging him at school, and finally giving her a condensed version of what had happened in the locker room.

"I'm alright, though. I can probably go back to school soon and everything."

He hadn't told her about seeing Lianne…not yet. But he had told her a little about Rita, and how she had been hanging around more since she'd started seeing Two-Bit. He'd told her about Two-Bit before, but his name always made her laugh a little.

"I'd like to meet them some day…your friends. Darry and Soda too. For real, I mean."

"Maybe we can come back up to New York sometime," he'd offered, wondering if that could ever happen…if they could ever get the money together and the time off…they could see James and meet Mr. Williams and Sue and Marcus…and maybe he could even convince them to go to that church and meet the reverend who'd been so nice to him and Johnny. He'd thought plenty of times about showing Soda and Darry the store where he'd gotten his first job.

And seeing Sue again. More and more, as they wrote letters and talked a couple of times on the phone, he thought about seeing Sue again.

"That would be great." She'd trailed off for a moment, then, after hesitating, had gone on. "You graduate after another year, right?"

"Yeah. I'm a junior now."

"Me too."

He'd known that…had known that she was somewhere close to a year older than him, and that they were in the same grade. So he was a little confused about where she was going with this.

"Have you thought more about college?"

"Yeah," he'd told her. He'd had lots of time to think about it this year, since he was working to keep his grades up. "I figured I'd stay close to here…it's cheaper, and if I can get a scholarship, that'll help. Maybe University of Tulsa…I might even be able to live at home."

Before, that thought would have been awful…he'd wanted to get away from Darry as quick as possible. Now, though…now he wanted to be around his family for as long as he could. He couldn't bear the thought of living away from them…the University of Tulsa was real close…close enough to drive, and he wouldn't have to be alone.

Just the thought of being on his own again made his throat start to close up.

"That's smart…living at home would save money." She'd been quiet for a second. "You know, I've lived in New York my whole life. Never even seen anywhere else. And my daddy wants me to stay close…but Langston University is right by the University of Tulsa. I think…he'd probably be more likely to give his blessing if there were some familiar faces around."

Just the thought of going to college with Sue so close had made his stomach do another flip, and ever since that phone call, he'd been thinking more and more about it. He figured Johnny would go to the same school, and if Darry got himself a steady girl or something, him and Johnny could always room together. So he wouldn't be alone…not really. But having Sue around…

Well, he suddenly found himself looking forward to college a lot more.

He hadn't told his brothers just yet though…he figured he'd wait until it was official. He sure didn't want Darry thinking he was picking a college because of a girl.

"How have you been feeling?" Doctor Song's question pulled him out of his thoughts of Sue, and he made himself focus.

"Uh…yeah. I've been okay. Better."

"I'm glad to hear it. I was worried when your brother told me what happened."

"Sorry…I don't know what all they told you…"

"Darry called me on Saturday."

Pony could only imagine how broken up he must have been…how hard it would have been to call Dr. Song and try to explain how bad off Pony was, when it had only happened two days ago. When he hadn't even woken up yet.

When they were asking if he wanted a priest.

"Would you like to tell me what happened?" Dr. Song asked, and he nodded. Out of all the stuff they'd talked about over the weeks, he thought, this might be the easiest. He wasn't scared when he thought about it…not really. This felt like something he'd lived with his whole life…socs hating him and jumping him for no reason. After living with a monster, Bob Sheldon wasn't much to be scared of. He hadn't even meant to stab him. Pony told her that…told her how startled he'd looked when he'd pulled the knife out. How he'd stood up, and looked scared and sorry.

"Steve showed up to give me a ride home and I guess he went and called for help. I can't remember much about that."

"It's normal not to remember much after that kind of injury," she told him, nodding and making a note of something. He had a feeling that she was going to ask him something else, but he spoke before she could.

"I…when I was in the hospital, before I woke up…I was…I was with Lianne."

Pony didn't look at her as he said it…instead, he stared down at the carpet, tracing the patterns there, and she got real quiet and real still. But he wanted to tell her…wanted to tell her what he'd seen. He'd sort of told Darry, and he'd told Rita, but as he told Dr. Song about seeing Lianne at that house, and hanging out with her behind the bar, her face softened into a gentle smile, letting him know that she wasn't going to question if it had really happened. Darry and Rita hadn't either, but he was pretty sure his brother thought he'd been dreaming. And maybe he had…but it sure hadn't felt like a dream.

"And how did that feel? Seeing her again?"

"It…it was…good. I mean…seeing Lianne again…and hearing her tell me she didn't blame me and that she wasn't mad at me. That was real good." Those words didn't feel like enough, and he felt like if he could just get a piece of paper and a pen, he could write it out better, but Dr. Song seemed to understand, nodding a little.

"It sounds like it helped with the guilt you were feeling."

"It did. A lot. She was telling me I couldn't have done anything and…I mean, I know we already talked about. But it was different, hearing it from her. And she was okay, you know? Like, she wasn't scared or sad or anything. She seemed like she was doing good."

Ponyboy wiped at his eyes, kind of self conscious, but she just smiled, nodding along with him. "I'm glad to hear it," she told him softly. "From what you've told me about her, she deserves to be at peace."

Yeah, he thought. Peace. That's how he'd felt when he was with her. Like she finally had peace.

Soda was flipping through what looked like a new car magazine, but he tossed it on the table as soon as Ponyboy stepped out of the office, grinning and jumping to his feet. "Hey, kiddo. You done?"

"Yeah."

"It go okay?"

"Sure. It was fine."

"You feel up to walking?"

"Unless you're gonna call us a taxi, I don't guess I have much choice."

Soda snorted, rolling his eyes and throwing an arm around him, lending his support without being asked. Pony couldn't help leaning on him some. The walk from the bus stop and up the stairs had left him pretty sore. He was ready to lay back down and finish up his homework since he'd hopefully be going back to school Monday, with the guys keeping a closer eye on him than before.

If that was even possible.

"Same place as usual for lunch?"

"Don't you want to go meet Alice or something?"

"What, you trying to get rid of me?"

"No," Pony told him with a laugh, not wanting him to think that. It wasn't true. Not anymore. "But you ain't seen her in a while, have you?"

"She gets it. Her and Darry's girl both. They were real worried about you, you know?"

"I've barely even met them."

"Yeah, I know. You've been kind of busy." He patted Pony's shoulder as they headed down the stairs. They only made it down about five before Pony had to stop, gripping the railing and taking deep breaths, trying to keep his brain from drifting off like it did sometimes when he was in a lot of pain. This had nothing to do with Richard, he reminded himself. He was fine.

Soda gripped his arm, supporting him and obviously suppressing the urge to ask if he was okay.

"She still wants to come over for dinner sometime. Meet you and Darry for real," he said instead.

"Invite her over. We'll be good." Pony took another deep breath and tried to grin, leaning back on his brother and taking the last few stairs slow. "Are you guys doing anything later?"

"I'm taking her to the movies."

"You hate the movies."

"They're growing on me."

Pony wasn't too sure it was the movies growing on his brother so much as getting to be with a pretty girl in a dark room, but since Soda had just helped him down a flight of stairs, he figured he'd keep his mouth shut about it. "What about Darry? It's Saturday. Is he going to take his girl out?"

"He mentioned something about it. He might wait until tomorrow when I'll be home."

"You guys don't have to babysit me, you know?" They stepped out onto the street and Soda removed his arm, hesitating like Pony might fall down, but he was pretty steady, and as long as they walked pretty slow, he was okay to walk as they headed to their usual diner to eat lunch. "I'll be alright at the house on my own. I'll lock the door and everything."

It was true. Over the last week, he'd spent plenty of time in bed, but he was able to walk around the house on his own, and make it to the bathroom and back. He had to be careful taking a shower so he didn't get the stitches wet, but he'd figured it out. The doctor had told him that he'd probably have a scar, and he'd had to fight the urge to laugh.

After everything, what was one more scar? At least he'd have one that Richard hadn't given him.

Soda just looked him over for a second, not seeming overly confident, and Pony resolved to talk to Darry himself. He'd be fine alone for a few hours. Johnny might even come over, or he'd fall asleep early like he did all the time now thanks to his pain meds.

When Darry got home that evening, Soda was in the middle of making spaghetti for dinner, and Pony was laying on the sofa like usual, watching TV and skimming a book for English.

"Hey, kiddo. How'd it go?"

"Fine," Pony assured him, putting the book down and electing not to tell him how hard it had been to get down the stairs at the therapist's office. "How was work?"

Darry dropped into his recliner. "It was alright."

"Shouldn't you go get ready?"

His brother's brow furrowed as he tilted his head, glancing around like he might have forgotten something. "What?"

"You're going out with Mary, right?"

In the kitchen, he heard Soda huff out a laugh, and Darry shook his head, smiling a little. "Nah, not tonight."

"Why not?"

"We can do something tomorrow."

"Or you could do something tonight. You're off tomorrow. You can stay out late. Sleep in tomorrow."

"What, you want to get rid of me?" Darry asked, laughing and crossing his arms.

"Yep. Go on. Get ready."

Darry snorted, turning to the TV and apparently ignoring him, and Pony sighed, dropping his head against the pillow.

"Come on, Dar. You've missed out on enough stuff because of me."

That got his attention and he shook his head. "Pony, I haven't…"

Pony smiled a little when his brother trailed off, turning to face him and found him leaning forward in the recliner like he might be ready to get up and come over to the sofa. "Sure you have. But you don't have to tonight. I'm fine here by myself. I promise. I won't burn the place down or nothing. I'll probably just do homework and go to bed."

He just wanted things to be normal. And it wasn't like when he'd first come home and was trying to pretend so hard it hurt sometimes. Now, he felt like things really could be normal. His brothers could go out on dates and hang out with their friends and he'd be just fine. He wasn't trying to avoid Darry. He just wanted his brother to get his life back. Or…as much of it as he could have while still being Pony's guardian.

"I don't want you thinking like that, you hear? If I've missed out on anything, it's not because of you." Soda was quiet in the kitchen, the only sound for a minute the water boiling, and Pony had no doubt he could hear Darry despite how quiet he was talking. "You just got out of the hospital last week. It don't feel right, leaving you here by yourself so much."

"It's been more than a week now. I'm fine. I walked outside today and everything." He could see his brother softening, so he went on, grinning. "Come on. You ain't gonna have a girl for long if you never take her out."

"You hear this kid?" Darry called to Soda, standing and messing up Pony's hair as he passed, shaking his head to himself. "He's giving me advice on girls now."

Soda laughed. "He ain't wrong, you know."

"Not you too…" Darry spun and crossed his arms, him and Pony finding Sodapop standing in the kitchen doorway.

"He did fine walking today. And it's only for a couple of hours."

Pony wasn't sure what exactly had convinced Soda to come to his side of the issue, but he was grateful. "There isn't exactly any trouble for me to get into on the couch," he reminded his brother.

"I'm sure you'll find some anyway," he grumbled, softening his words with a chuckle as he dropped back into his recliner, grabbing the phone. Soda went back into the kitchen as he dialed her number, and Pony pretended to be engrossed in his book. The house was quiet for a second, and then Darry was asking Mary if she wanted to get dinner, and Pony tried to hide his smug smile behind his book. "Yeah, he's doing a lot better," Darry told her, and Pony had to assume he was talking about him. "He'll be alright for a couple of hours on his own."

He hung up the phone and headed for his bedroom, Soda poking his head out from the kitchen and grinning when he met Pony's eyes as the door shut behind their brother. He disappeared after a moment, getting back to their dinner, and sure enough, Darry came out of his room dressed in a nice pair of jeans and a clean shirt, shooting Soda a look when he whistled.

"Shut it."

"Is that cologne?" Soda asked, and Pony laughed on the couch, trying to stay still while doing so so his stomach didn't hurt.

"Make sure to clean up the kitchen before you leave," he ordered, pointing a finger at Soda, then turned to Pony. "Don't leave the house while we're gone."

"Wouldn't dream of it." Pony fought to keep a straight face, nodding seriously along as his brother stared critically down at him.

"Keep the doors locked. The guys all have keys. Try not to move around too much."

"I'll sleep right here on the couch."

Darry rolled his eyes, reaching out and putting a hand on his shoulder. "There ain't a single thing I've missed that I didn't give up willingly, you hear? So don't think it's your fault. Alright? It's mine. And I'd do it again." His brother squeezed his shoulder, smiling when Pony did, then headed out.

Years later, fresh out of college and sitting out on the back porch as the guys gathered around the grill and watched Dally argue with James about the best way to cook burgers, Pony would turn to his brother who would be laughing at the gang, wisely choosing to stay out of this particular argument. At 22 himself, just a little older than Darry had been when he'd gotten custody of his brothers, he'd finally ask the question that had been bugging him ever since he'd turned nineteen. "Dar?"

"Yeah?"

It would be a sunny day, right in the middle of July. The girls would be crowded into their too-small kitchen, trying to escape the heat and laughing at something Pony couldn't hear, Alice with a gold ring on her left hand. Darry's new girl wouldn't be there, but Sue would, and Pony wouldn't be too sure, but he'd have an idea that she might just say yes to a ring of her own if he asked. As the days passed, he'd be surer and surer that he wanted to ask.

"Did you ever regret it?"

"What?" he'd ask, turning to face Pony head on. He would be close to thirty, looking more like their dad than ever, and he'd cock his head, eyes narrow like he was trying to remember if he'd missed something. "Regret what, kiddo?"

"Keeping us?"

Darry would go still then, eyes widening, and Pony would hurry to go on, trying to lighten his words with a smile.

"I was just wondering. And I wouldn't blame you. You were only nineteen…God knows I was a handful."

"You were a kid," Darry would scold with all the hindsight of someone older. "A kid that just lost his parents."

"So were you."

Pony would still feel like a kid some days. He'd still turn to Darry most of the time when faced with some adult problem he didn't know how to solve, and Darry was always there, ready to help. It was hard, sometimes, to remember that his brother hadn't had anyone to turn to for any of this.

"Anyway, I'm just saying. I wouldn't blame you. I was just wondering…did you ever think about it? Giving up custody and…"

"No." Darry's voice would be hard, but not mean as he reached out and gripped Pony's shoulder, like just having this conversation would get his brother taken away, never mind that Pony was grown now. "Not for a second. I mean…it was rough," hed admit.
"Especially those first couple of years…especially when they took you and…and when you came back, you were struggling so much. And I didn't know how to help. Then that shit with Bob Sheldon…"

He would spit out the name, lips twisting into a snarl. Darry would never forgive Bob Sheldon. Neither would the gang. And Pony guessed he couldn't blame them.

"But keeping you and Soda…keeping our family together? No. I never regretted it. Not ever."

And, with the sounds of his friends arguing and the smell of burning meat drifting over from the grill, he would look into his brother's eyes and he'd believe him.

Chapter Text

I know now that Ponyboy’s birthday is in July.  Alas, I did not know this when I wrote The Runaway, so now it’s in December because I accidentally looked up the actor’s birthday instead when researching.  I guess this is an AU where Pony was born eight months earlier.  Don’t think too hard about it lol.

“Happy birthday!”

The words, shouted by his ear, jerked Ponyboy out of sleep, his eyes going wide when the mattress shifted beneath him, and he turned to find his brother bouncing up and down on his knees beside him on the bed.  Standing behind him, Darry rolled his eyes, and Pony was sure he’d warned Soda not to be too rough.  But it had been two months since Bob had stabbed him, and he was mostly better.  Maybe he wasn’t running quite yet (at least, not that Darry and Soda knew about) but he was in better shape than he had been for sure.

Since it was Thursday, they wouldn’t be having a party until Saturday after he got back from seeing Doctor Song.  He’d tried arguing that he didn’t need a party at all, but since his brothers had already missed one of his birthdays, they were apparently going all out from now on.  Still, he had been expecting the festivities to wait since he had school, but Soda was holding a slice of chocolate cake, precariously balanced on the plate he was holding in one hand as he shook Pony’s shoulder with the other.  

“Come on!  Wake up!  It’s your birthday!  We’re having cake for breakfast!”

“We do that all the time,” he reminded his brother, smiling and trying to pull the covers over his head, then laughing when Soda yanked them off of him.  

“But today we’ve got candles!  Get up!”

Darry chuckled when Pony gave in, rolling his eyes and letting Soda pull him up, then grabbed the plate from Soda’s hand when he threw his arms around Pony, their brother suddenly uncharacteristically quiet.  Pony wrapped his arms around him, closing his eyes and letting himself remember his last birthday.

Dr. Song had talked to him, just the week before, about the ways he’d been coping with what had happened to him.  “Pushing these memories down and repressing them isn’t going to serve you in the long run.  It will just make them more painful when they do surface.  The best way to deal with them is to let yourself remember what happened, and then to remember where you are now.”

He remembered his birthday.  The boy’s home.  Crying in his bunk.  Missing Soda and Darry so bad it hurt.  Being so afraid that Darry wasn’t going to try and get him back.  Wishing he could call them and being too afraid of getting caught.  It was the first birthday he’d ever spent without even talking to his brothers.  Now, arms tight around Soda as he shuddered at the thought, he prayed he’d never have another.

After a long minute, Darry came to sit on his other side, putting his arms around both of them, and Pony took a deep breath, trying real hard not to let those memories take over.  That time was gone.  He was safe.  He was with his family.  It was all over.  

“Love you, kiddo,” Soda muttered, pulling away and punching him gently on the shoulder.  “Sixteen, huh?  You know what that means?”

“That I can get a job?”

Darry snorted.  “Let’s wait until you’re healed up some more, okay?  For my sake?” 

Pony guessed he couldn’t argue that.

“It means,” Soda put in, voice going louder to talk over their side conversation.  “That I can teach you to drive.”

“Two-Bit already taught me some…”

Soda rolled his eyes.  “Yeah, I still can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”

“Two-Bit taught you to drive?” Darry asked, looking surprised but not mad like Pony had always feared he’d be…not that he was sure why his brother would be mad at that.  Two-Bit was a goof, but he’d never risk Pony getting hurt in a car accident like their parents, so Darry would know that he’d be careful.  “When?”

“Uh…right after mom and dad…we practiced sometimes in parking lots and stuff.  Up until that summer…”  He didn’t mention that Two had started drinking more so he hadn’t had as much time, or that things with Darry had gotten real bad, so Pony hadn’t been in the mood anyway.  

Soda and Darry had both learned how before they’d turned sixteen, but with everything going on since he’d come back, he didn’t blame either of them for letting that slip through the cracks.  He’d been kind of busy too…busy trying to move on from Richard and recovering after being stabbed.  It had been a long two months since that day in the locker room, but he’d managed to catch up with his school work for the most part, thanks to Darry going in and talking to the principal.  He wasn’t sure what his brother had said, but he’d gotten extensions on all his work and was back to getting mostly As in every class.  

“Why didn’t you say something?  I would have taught you.”  Darry seemed to regret the words as soon as he said them, obviously remembering how exactly things had been between them before Pony had been taken away.  It was almost easy to forget sometimes, how bad things had gotten.  Easy to forget that Pony had avoided Darry like the plague and that Darry had barely gone a day without getting on him over something.  

Why hadn’t he told his brothers about Two-Bit teaching him to drive before that phone call to Soda when he’d been in New York?

Because Pony had been lost in a fog of grief and Soda had been too, and Darry had been struggling to keep them afloat.  Because Soda had dropped out of school and had been spending most of his time working or with Sandy or Steve and he’d childishly felt abandoned.  Because Soda had been playing middleman between him and Darry and Pony had been too upset with his oldest brother to think about much else.  And because it had felt good, keeping a secret from them.  Like he had some kind of life of his own too when it seemed like they were too busy for him.

But Pony didn’t say any of that.  

“I don’t know.  A lot was going on.  It didn’t seem important.”  

Darry nodded slowly, eyes dropping.  They both knew why he really hadn’t told him.

“Today, after school.”  Soda pointed at him, like they were going to fight later or something, and Pony laughed, pushing him out of the way as he got out of bed.  “You want me to teach you anyway…Darry drives like our grandpa.” 

Pony snorted, jumping up and getting out of the way so Darry could tackle him, the two of them wrestling behind him.  Sixteen, he thought as he grabbed the plate from his dresser, Soda laughing as he struggled to pin Darry.  The same age Soda had been when they’d lost their parents.  He’d thought Soda was so grown up then…but he still felt the same.

Birthday presents would wait until his party, not that Pony really needed anything.  This, being in the kitchen in his own house with his brothers, was more than enough.  Hell, it was more than he’d ever thought he’d have back when he’d been in that house.  And when Darry joined him, giving Soda one last shove before dropping into a chair, Pony couldn’t believe he’d gotten so lucky.  That he’d somehow managed to get away from those men that had nearly killed him when Li hadn’t.  That Dally had been there exactly when he’d needed him.  That James had been willing to let him stay, rent free, and Mr. Williams had given him and Johnny a job.  And that his brothers had found a cop that was actually willing to help them.

Pony stared down at his cake as the shower turned on in the bathroom, only managing to come out of his thoughts when Darry called his name.  

“I didn’t think I’d make it to sixteen,” he admitted to his brother, not looking up from his cake as the words poured out of his mouth.  “I thought he’d kill me first.”

Darry’s arm went around him, holding him as fiercely as if Pony had just told him that there was a monster in the room.  For a long time, he didn’t say anything.  Just held him.  And the ache in his chest that always came when he thought about Richard eased up.  

Remember what happened.  Remember where you are now.

“I’m real glad to be home,” he told him with a smile.  The words weren’t enough.  Not even close.  But Darry got it.  More and more, Pony was realizing that Darry got things just as good as Soda.  Not always…but he tried.  And Pony hadn’t thought he ever would.  

“I’m real glad to have you home.”  Darry’s voice broke a little as he squeezed him impossibly tighter until it almost hurt, but Pony didn’t care.  He let him go after a moment, patting his back and messing up his hair, laughing when Pony shoved him off and tried to dodge.  It wouldn't take a second to fix without how short it was, but at least it wasn’t blond anymore.  

Pony was almost glad it was cold out.  While he’d been in the hospital, his arms had been exposed most of the time, plus he’d worn the track uniform when he’d gone to practice, so now the whole gang had seen the scars on his arms, if not the ones on his back.  They had faded some, but more than once he’d caught Darry or Soda staring at them.  It didn’t bug him as much as it had at first…he just didn’t want to see them all the time.  So now that he was at home, he was back to sleeping in long sleeves, and once he’d finished his breakfast, he changed into jeans and a sweater that had belonged to both of his brothers before it had made its way down to him.  The jeans were an inch or two too short, but he didn’t much care.  They’d never been able to dress real nice anyway, and like lots of stuff, compared to what he’d been through in that house, it didn’t seem to matter anymore.  

Darry noticed the jeans though, and he shook his head a little.  “We’ve got to get you some new clothes.”

“That’s alright.  I’ll just go through Soda’s closet later.”

Soda shoved him as he walked by, not too hard, but even if his brothers were a lot more careful with him now, it sure felt good to be back to normal.  

Like he did all the time now, Steve gave him a ride to school, not even making any cracks about how he wasn’t a taxi service, or how Pony shouldn’t get used to it.  He did make a crack about his pants though.  “You expecting a flood, kid?  Or you trying to look like a soc?”

Pony just rolled his eyes and Steve punched his shoulder, making him think, not for the first time, that they might actually be friends now.

School passed in a blur of classwork and hanging out with Johnny at lunch and working on homework with Two-Bit in study hall at the end of the day.  He was glad he didn’t have PE this semester because he would have had to sit it out anyway.  They’d taken their last tests before Christmas break, and he could feel the teachers winding down, as ready for a vacation as the kids.  Two was actually focused on his work, apparently determined to graduate and Pony wondered if he’d get a job anytime soon…before he’d been taken away, the idea would have been laughable.  But Two-Bit was different now, just like the rest of them.  The stuff that had happened had changed them. 

Maybe, Pony thought with a grin down at his work, he’d even start going by Keith.

Two gave him and Johnny rides home like he did most days since Pony had been back in school.  When he couldn’t, Steve or Soda would in Steve’s car, or sometimes Dally.  Darry didn’t want him walking home from school just yet.  The doctor had warned him not to do anything strenuous for a while, and Darry had taken that to heart.  That meant no running, and no roughhousing, which the whole gang went along with easy enough.  Even Dal was more careful with him now.  Pony would be glad when he was healed up, though…he wanted to try and get back on the track team and get a job.  

True to his word, Soda came into his room as soon as he got home from work, urging him to forget about his book and get a move on, so Pony did, following him out to Steve’s car that was parked in front of their house.  He grinned once he’d climbed inside, turning to Soda with an eyebrow lifted.  “Did you ask Steve if you could borrow his car?”

“Of course.”

“Does he know that I’ll be the one driving it?”

“He knew that you got lessons from Two-Bit,” Soda admitted, pulling out onto the road.  “How come you never told me?  Really?”

Pony shrugged.  “There was a lot going on.  Besides, I didn’t want Darry to get mad if he found out.”

“He wouldn’t have gotten mad.”

“I know.”  And he did know that now.  Darry would have trusted Two-Bit enough, at least until that summer when he started drinking more.  But Pony had worried so much about Darry getting mad as time went on, at first because he was afraid that his brother would change his mind about keeping him, and later because he was sure he already had.  “I didn’t get it…that he was just stressed about everything, you know.  I thought…”

Well, Soda knew what he’d thought.  He’d never kept that part a secret.  Still, he trailed off, shrugging and staring out the window.  

“I wouldn’t have told him if you didn’t want me to.  Besides, you know that ain’t true, right?  He wouldn’t have been mad.”

“Yeah, I know.  Darry wouldn’t have cared.  He probably would have taught me himself if I’d asked.”

It was true.  He knew now that if he’d gone to Darry any time that summer and had asked if he’d teach him to drive, his brother would have taken it as the olive branch it was.  That he would have gladly taken him out to the school parking lot in the truck and he’d have spent a couple of hours teaching him.  

They practiced in the parking lot until Soda verified that yes, Pony actually knew the basics, and they even went out on the road a little.  He was rusty, but with some practice, Pony figured he’d get the hang of it again.  He hadn’t seen too much of a point in getting his license since there was no way he’d be able to afford a car for a while, but the more he thought about it, the more he figured  he might as well.  Everyone else had theirs, after all, and Darry might let him borrow the truck sometimes.  Even Johnny, in the last few months, had been practicing with Steve and Dally.  And if he could get a job, maybe he could save up for a car.

His party was on Saturday after he got back from seeing Doctor Song, and just like on his fourteenth birthday, the gang all gathered at their house in the afternoon.  Two years ago, it had been just warm enough to cook out, but this year it was bitterly cold, and even Darry, who was usually up for grilling even when it was snowing, agreed that it was too cold to be outside.  So he made burgers on the stove, Soda helping and arguing about which ones were done and how long the fries needed to cook.  Dallas and Steve smoked out on the back porch while Johnny and Pony settled on the floor in the living room, pulling out a deck of cards and starting a game of war.  It felt like New York, Pony thought with a little grin, only better.  Because they weren’t alone this time.

Two-Bit showed up pretty soon after they’d started their game, and Steve and Dally wandered in, taking their seats around the living room and watching them play until they’d finished their game.  Then Dally took the cards and started a game of poker, the radio blaring in the background.  

Darry turned it down when he came in to let them know lunch was ready, rolling his eyes but not scolding anyone, and they all piled their plates with burger and fries.  Pony sat on the sofa with Johnny and Dal while they ate, Soda turning on a football game on the TV, while Two-Bit pretended not to know the rules and called out commentary on the game that made Darry roll his eyes, obviously itching to correct him but not wanting to give in.  

And all Pony wanted to do was soak it in.  He wanted to feel this way forever…surrounded by his friends and brothers.  Safe.  He’d never realized how safe he’d been at home before he’d been somewhere that he wasn’t.  He’d never known how much he counted on these people until he hadn’t had them.  Johnny nudged him a little, lifting his eyebrows in a question, and Pony grinned, taking a bite of his burger.  He was okay.  Just real glad to be home.

Soda led them all through an off-key version of ‘happy birthday’ with Two-Bit singing the loudest (and the worst) and Dal sitting it out, acting put out but still grinning when Pony caught his eye.  It was the same chocolate cake they ate all the time, but it was still good.  Soda made them just like their mom, except for the icing where he always overdid it with the sugar.  Darry had apparently intervened, though, because it tasted perfect.  For presents, Darry and Soda had gotten him some clothes that would actually fit, and a card with a couple of dollars that Pony wasn’t sure they could afford, but he didn’t argue.  He figured he’d just slip them back into Darry’s wallet later if he had to.  

Two-Bit, in what would be a tradition for the rest of their lives, had gotten him another birthday card for a little kid, this time with a pony on it, and they’d all laughed when he’d pointed at the picture.  “Look!  It’s you!”  Pony shoved him and couldn’t help grinning as he pulled out the money.  

“Who’d you steal this from?”

“You know what, I can take it back,” Two informed him with a laugh, reaching out like he would, and Pony jumped back on the sofa, holding it out of reach.  

Johnny got him a book.  The Hobbit…the one he’d been reading when Johnny had first joined him in New York.  

Steve surprised him with a bag full of chocolate bars, and Pony gave him a look and held one up.  “Uh…thanks?”  Soda laughed, grabbing one out of the bag and taking a bite, and later he told him that Steve didn’t know what to get him since he didn’t smoke anymore.

Two days later, Pony found the condom at the bottom of the bag, hidden underneath all the chocolate.  Before, when Steve had pulled that trick, he’d still been so upset about his parents and having a birthday without them that cried into Two-Bit’s arms on his porch the next morning, wishing more than anything that he could just have them back.  

This time, it was him who slipped the condom into Steve’s backpack, and Johnny told him all about how it fell out of his backpack in social studies, right in front of his teacher, a lady who had gone beet red as she’d asked him to please collect his ‘possessions.’  The whole class had laughed so hard they hadn’t been able to get back to the lesson for almost half an hour.  When he found out, Two-Bit went right back to calling Steve a sex fiend.  Usually, Pony would have worried about Steve getting revenge, but he figured his still-healing stab wound would keep him safe, ironically enough.  

Dally didn’t get him anything, which was no surprise.  He didn’t really do presents.  Pony had honestly been surprised when he’d given him that knife on his fourteenth birthday.  He sure hadn’t expected anything.  But when they were all heading home, Dal hesitated beside him.  “You still got that knife.”

“Yeah.”  It lived in the pocket of whatever pants he was wearing, no matter where he went nowadays.  It hadn’t saved him when he’d lived with Richard, or when he’d been in New York.  It hadn’t even saved him with Bob.  He almost never pulled it out.  But he still kept it on him, and for some reason, it made him feel safe.  

“You still carry it?”

“Everywhere I go.”

“Good.  Keep it up.  Maybe use it the next time some asshole wants to stab you.”  His tone was nicer than his words, so he just nodded, grinning a little.

“I was kind of hoping no one else would want to stab me for a while.”

Dally looked pretty dubious at that, but he didn’t argue it.  Just ran a rough hand over Pony’s hair as he headed out.  “See you around, kid.  Happy birthday.”

“Thanks, Dally.”  

He and Soda stayed up late playing cards in the living room, Darry heading off to bed around midnight, and it was about half an hour later that Pony finally started yawning.  He was off those pain meds and the antibiotics by now, but he still got tired easier than he used to.  “I barely did anything today,” he grumbled, yawning again and laying down a card.

His brother shrugged.  “It’s late.  You want to go to bed?”  He took a bite of one of the chocolate bars he’d swiped from Steve’s gift, and Pony thought about hiding the bag so he’d actually get to eat some.

“Not yet.  You got to get up early?”

“Nah.  I’m taking Alice to the drag races tomorrow night…her parents think we’re going to the rodeo.  Steve’s taking Evie too, but I ain’t got plans for the morning.”  He hesitated.  “You want to come?”

“On your date?” Pony asked with a laugh, lifting an eyebrow.  “No thanks.”  

“I should have let you come that night,” Soda told him, voice suddenly serious as he stared at his cards.  “You wouldn’t have been out with Dally and Johnny…wouldn’t have met those girls.”

“Come on, Soda,” Pony scolded softly.  “It wasn’t your fault.  Just like it wasn’t Two-Bit’s or Johnny’s or Darry’s.”  

“You know what I did on your birthday last year?”

Pony shook his head.

“Went to a bar.  Got so drunk I couldn’t stand up.”

He felt his eyes go wide.  Soda never drank all that much…maybe a beer every once in a while, but he sure never got drunk.  

“The guys about had to carry me home.  I thought it would help.  I just wanted to stop thinking about how bad I missed you, you know?  I thought…if I could just forget for a few hours, it might feel better.”  He shook his head, eyes flat as he stared straight ahead, and Pony wondered if that was what he looked like when he talked about that house and Richard.  “It didn’t.  I couldn't forget.  Not even when I was blackout drunk.  It was the first thing I thought when I woke up, too.  Pony’s gone.”

Remember what happened, Pony thought, chest aching at the thought of his brother hurting so bad.  And remember where you are now.  

“I’m back now,” he reminded him, leaning in.  “And I’m not going anywhere.”

“Yeah?  What about college?” Soda asked with a forced smile, echoing their earlier conversation and obviously trying to lighten the mood.

Pony shrugged.  “University of Tulsa is right around the corner.”  

His brother paused then, looking up at him almost hopefully.  “Yeah?”

“Sure.  I can save money living at home if Darry doesn’t mind.”

“Darry won’t mind,” Soda assured him, shaking his head and giving him a tremulous smile.  “If you wanted to go off somewhere to college though…we’d be alright.  It wouldn't be like…like before.  You know?”

“I know…”  Pony hesitated, dropping his eyes.  “I just…I don’t want to go off anywhere.  I’d rather stay close for a while.  Besides, Johnny will probably go there.  It’ll be cheaper than going out of state.  And Sue might be going to Langston University.”

“Yeah?” Soda asked, and Pony could feel him wanting to ask about her…trying to figure out their relationship.  The only thing was, Pony didn’t quite get it himself.  He’d known Sue for one summer.  He’d never even taken her out, or asked…or thought about asking.  Not when he’d been running for his life and just trying to survive.  She lived so far away he doubted he’d see her again, unless she really did go to college in Tulsa.  But there was just something about her…they’d only had a handful of conversations in New York…he’d been too out of it most of the time he was there to think about girls much.  But he couldn’t help thinking about how pretty she’d looked that first Sunday he’d seen her at church.  More than that, he thought about her letters, and how much she loved books and talking about them. He thought about how she’d laughed when they’d all gone swimming, and how she’d never looked at him like he was a hood  like the pretty girls he knew from school always did. 

He thought about how he could talk to her on the phone for over an hour, but it only felt like a few minutes, because they never seemed to run out of things to say.

He’d run into her his first day in New York, and then again at church, and again at her dad’s store.  That felt like it meant something.

“Well,” his brother finally said, “I’m glad to hear it.” 

 Later, they’d talk about Sue, while Pony was trying to puzzle out what exactly he felt about her.  But not that night.  On that night, they kept playing cards until about three in the morning, talking about Alice and Soda’s job and when Darry would let Pony get one, and then, finally, they went to bed.

It was the sun shining through Pony’s window that woke him on Sunday morning, and he rolled over onto his back, glancing over at Soda who was still dead to the world.  Yawning and closing his eyes, he only lasted a few minutes before sitting up and resigning himself to the fact that he was awake.  He didn’t usually sleep this late anymore, but he also hadn’t stayed up until three in the morning in a while…at least, not on purpose.  He threw his legs over the side of the bed, moving slow both because his stomach still gave him trouble sometimes and because he didn’t want to wake Soda.  He wasn’t sure what time it was, or when his brother was supposed to meet Alice, but he figured it wasn’t until later, so he didn’t need to wake him yet.

The door shut as he was pulling a pair of jeans on and he froze, closing his eyes and trying to shake off the reflex.  It hadn’t slammed.  Their front door opened and shut all the time.  He was at home.  He was safe.  He had a blade in his pocket and his brother was asleep a few feet away.  Pony went through the list, reminding himself, just like Doctor Song had suggested, of the many reasons that he didn’t need to be afraid.  

“It’s only been about four months since you’ve been back,” she’d reminded him the day before when he’d been frustrated at how often things like this still happened.  “Less than a year since you were living with that man.  You’ve come a long way since then, but the effects from what happened won’t just go away overnight.”  

It felt like so much longer…but she was right.  He’d run away at the end of May.  It had only been about six months…six months since he’d gone to Dally that night, begging his friend to help him…to get him out.  He hadn’t had anywhere else to turn…had still felt like those men were right behind him, waiting to get him.

He’d still seen Lianne die every time he’d closed his eyes.  Had still heard her muffled screams.

Now, mercifully, when he thought of Lianne, he thought of her in that field behind the bar, watching a frog hop by, or staring at the clouds as they passed.  She was at peace…and sometimes he felt like he was too.  Until someone shut a door, apparently, he thought with a sigh, stepping out of his bedroom and into the kitchen.

Darry was there, a paper bag on the kitchen table, and when Pony entered the room, he turned around, putting the receipt he’d been holding down.

Pony blinked at his brother, wiping a hand over his face and looking from him to the bag.  “What’s that?” he asked, glancing over at the clock on the kitchen wall.  It was almost noon.  

“Hey.  I was wondering if you were gonna sleep all day.”  Darry grabbed a plate covered in foil from the stove and held it out, and Pony dug into the eggs he must have made him hours earlier with a mumbled ‘thanks’.  “I went to the hardware store.  Figured it was time I patched this wall.”

He had almost gotten used to the hole in their wall beside their back door…barely even noticed it anymore.  Swallowing a bite of lukewarm eggs, he put the plate on the table next to the bag and grabbed the milk, pouring himself a glass and drinking most of it in one swig.  He hadn’t slept so late since he’d stopped taking that pain medicine, and he felt weird, brain fuzzy and his mouth too dry.

“I don’t know,” he told his brother with a shrug.  “You could just leave it.  It’s a good reminder for Steve not to piss you off.”

Darry laughed, taking the carton of milk and pouring a glass for himself.  “I should have fixed it months ago.”

Pony knew why he hadn’t.  Not when he’d been in New York, and Darry had been devoting every ounce of energy to trying to get him back.  And not when Pony had first come back, broken seemingly beyond repair.  And then, when things had started getting bad with Bob…one thing after another, and now, four months after Pony had come home from New York, things finally felt stable enough to focus on things like home repairs.  

“You want some help?” Pony asked, taking another bite of egg, and Darry gave him a long, considering look before he softened, looking, like he so often did these days, like their father.  

“Sure, kiddo.  Finish that and we’ll get started.”

Thanks for reading!

Chapter Text

True to his word, James showed up on Ponyboy’s doorstep a few days before Christmas.  He was pretty sure his friend would have just walked into his house if the doors weren’t locked, and the doors were only locked because Darry had insisted.  Him and Soda had to work, and Pony knew that he didn’t like leaving Pony alone all day for two weeks during his Christmas break…mostly because Bob Sheldon’s plea of self defense had worked, and he had been released.  

Pony hadn’t had to go to court, and hadn’t really even known that Bob’s trial had passed.  He’d been more focused on homework and being excited about Christmas break.  Christmas had always been one of his favorite holidays.  Since it was so close to his birthday, he doubted he’d get much in the way of presents, especially since Darry was working extra some weekends, letting him know that they must be struggling some.  Soda too.  Plus Soda had told him that Dal had lent them money for that week Darry had stayed with Ponyboy so they could pay all the bills, and Darry was determined to pay it back as soon as possible.  When Pony had suggested, once again, that he would be fine to get a job, Soda had shaken his head.

“You’re still not moving too good, Pony.  Just wait a little while longer, alright?  Darry’s going to want a doctor to clear you at least.”

Pony had wanted to tell him that he’d been feeling bad just about the whole time he’d been in New York, and that he’d still had a job, but he’d guessed that argument wasn’t going to be the one that won his brother over.  So, instead of trying to see if he could get on at the grocery store where Johnny worked, Pony had spent the first two days of his Christmas break at his own house.  He didn’t mind all that much.  It was only Tuesday, and since Christmas was on a Sunday, he figured he still had a little time to figure out what to get his brothers.  He’d thought about doing another drawing for them, but for some reason, that thought made his throat close up, heart racing as he’d laid in bed that morning, remembering the drawings he’d done for their birthdays…the terror that this was the last thing they’d ever get from him.  The fear that he’d never see them again.

No, he’d decided.  Not a picture.  

The knock on the door pulled him out of the book he’d been reading.  He’d finished The Hobbit again since Johnny had given it to him for his birthday, but now that he was done with his library books and Darry didn’t want him walking alone, he figured he’d give it a third read until someone would go with him to get more books.  Probably Johnny.  His friend was working more since it was a holiday so he could get some more money, so he hadn’t been around the day before.  

Pony hadn’t found out about Bob’s trial from his brothers, probably because Darry didn’t want him to have to go.  Maybe he’d thought Pony would speak up and say Bob had acted in self defense like he’d said in the hospital.  Either way, Pony and Soda had been waling home from the bus stop the Saturday before when Pony had froze, Soda a step behind him, the two of them taking in the cop car parked in front of their house.  Darry had been at work, and Pony’s first thought had been that they were going to take him again.  That somehow, it was all going to start again.  That there’d been some kind of mix up and he was going back to that house and Richard was going to be there and Rita too and…

“Pony!”

He’d jerked out of his thoughts when Soda had grabbed his wrist, fingers closing around one of the old scars covered by his long sleeves.  It had been cold out…colder than usual, even for December, and Pony had been thinking that January was going to be real bad.  

“There’s no way they’re gonna take you, you hear?  Darry has custody.  We haven’t done anything.  Glory, kid, we’ve barely left the house, much less got in any trouble.”  He’d tried to smile, to be reassuring, but Pony had been backing up, ready to run even if he’d had to lean on Soda to get down those stairs.  “Let me go see what they want.  Maybe one of the guys left the radio on too loud or something.”

Before Pony had been able to argue, the door to the cop car had opened, and a familiar man had stepped out.  Beside him, Soda had relaxed some, but Pony had barely taken a breath as the cop had made his way to them.  

“Hi, Officer Charlton,” Soda had greeted, resting an elbow on Pony’s shoulder like that was going to keep him in place.  But Pony had been practically vibrating, hands shaking as he’d fought the urge to run.  He wasn’t going back to that boy’s home.  Not for anything.  It didn’t matter that this was a cop.  Cops beat on greasers all the time.  Cops had eaten at Richard’s dining table just about every week, looking at him and his foster siblings like they were trash, never caring that the kids in that house were barely fed.  A cop had chased him behind that bar…had gotten him in the face with that broken bottle.  And sure, his brothers trusted this one, but Pony still didn’t.  Not really.  Especially not when he just showed up at their house.

“Sodapop.  Ponyboy.  How are you two doing?  I spoke to your brother while you were in the hospital.  Seems like you’re feeling better.”

Pony had just nodded.  This cop had helped them, and that was great and all, but why was he at their house?  Cops never meant anything good.  Not in this neighborhood.  He’d felt sick, like he might throw up, Soda’s presence beside him the only thing keeping him in place.  

Apparently realizing that Pony wasn’t going to answer, Soda spoke up instead.  “We’re doing fine.  What’s going on?”

The man had seemed to notice Ponyboy’s stiffness for the first time and had smiled.  “You boys aren’t in any trouble.  I was just hoping to talk with you and Darrel about something.”

The words had made Pony breathe a little easier.  He’d said they weren’t in trouble, so it was okay, right?  The stuff with Bob had happened two months ago, and he’d kept out of trouble ever since, so he wasn’t even sure what they could be in trouble for…but Pony couldn’t make himself fully relax.

“He’s at work, but you can come in if you want,” Soda had told him, motioning him toward the house, and once Soda had offered him a glass of water or a Pepsi, they’d all sat down in the living room, Pony with Soda on the couch, and the cop in the recliner, perched there like he was afraid to lean back.  “Is everything okay?”

Officer Charlton had hesitated, clasping his hands in his lap.  “I wanted you to know before it got out.  I’m sure the local papers will pick it up pretty soon.”  He’d taken a deep breath.  “Bob Sheldon is being released, and the charges are being dropped.  There aren’t any charges against you either…it’s just…his dad hired a real good lawyer, and they’re pretty influential in this town, as I’m sure you know.  It doesn’t hurt that he doesn’t have a criminal record and has never really been in trouble before.  The judge accepted his plea of self defense.”

Beside him, Soda had spluttered, face going red with how angry he was.  But Pony had felt the opposite.  They weren’t taking him away, and it had nothing to do with Richard getting out of prison, which had been his second fear.  It was just Bob.  And yeah, Bob had caused him all kinds of trouble, but Pony stood by what he’d said.  Bob hadn’t meant to stab him.  He’d done it because he was scared.  And Pony doubted they’d have any trouble with him again.  So he’d fought to keep a relieved grin off his face when Soda had jumped up, fuming. 

“What do you mean they’re letting him go?  What the fuck?  He stabbed my brother!  About killed him!”  

Officer Charlton had nodded, like he was trying to appease Soda, but there was no appeasing Soda when he was like this.  Not when he got real mad.  Then it was best to let him yell.  The cop had met Pony’s eyes as Soda had swiped a carton of cigarettes from the table, storming out of the room and slamming their kitchen door behind him.  

“He’ll be alright,” Pony had assured him, feeling strangely calm, unable to fight that smile anymore.  “I’m gonna let you tell Darry, though.  We finally patched that hole in the wall, so maybe you being here will keep him from making another one.”  He’d almost laughed, and the cop had just stared at him before smiling and finally leaning back in that chair some.  

“I really am glad to see you doing better.  Your brothers took all this pretty hard.”

Pony had just nodded.  They were going to take this real hard too, but Pony hoped it would blow over sooner rather than later  

The cop had lowered his voice then, leaning in a little closer like he wanted to keep Soda from hearing.  “Bob Sheldon will most likely be back in school after Christmas break but the judge warned him to stay away from you.”  

“He probably will,” Pony had told him with a shrug.  Glancing at the door, he’d leaned in too, lowering his voice too and knowing both Soda and Darry would kill him for this.  “He didn’t mean to.”

Officer Charlton’s eyes had widened.  “He…he didn’t mean to…what?  Stab you?”

“Yeah.  He jumped me in that locker room, and we were fighting.  He thought I was going to keep hitting him.  But I was getting off him.  I didn’t want to fight.  He didn’t know that though.”  He’d shrugged again.  “I’ll leave him alone as long as he does the same.”  

Darry, predictably, had been less than thrilled by the news, and Pony made sure he was out of the house when his brother got it.  He didn’t think Darry would hurt him or nothing…not ever.  But he’d figured there would be a lot of yelling, and he didn’t trust himself to be alright if the yelling didn’t stop.  So he’d headed out with Johnny, making sure not to come back until his curfew.  

When he’d walked through the front door ten minutes before he was supposed to be home, Darry had been reading the paper, jaw tight as he’d stared at the page, the TV playing soft in the background.

“Hey,” Soda had muttered, nodding a hello from where he’d been stewing on the couch, glaring at the TV.  The news hadn’t been on, but judging by the way Soda was acting, Pony had a feeling that they’d said something on the news about Bob and he’d changed it.  

Darry had glanced up from his newspaper, jaw still clenched tight like he was biting back what Pony was sure was another tirade about Bob, but he’d just dropped the paper onto the side table.  “Hey, kiddo.  How’s Johnny doing?”

“He’s alright.  Working a lot.  We just went to the movies.”  He’d shrugged and Darry had nodded.  

Neither of them had brought up Bob, so Pony hadn’t either.  Instead, he’d headed to his room, reading until Soda came to bed and told him to cut it out and turn the lights off.

The next day his brother had been in a better mood, and had gone through the spiel to keep the doors locked, and not to go anywhere alone.  All of that had been pretty normal, up until Darry had gripped his shoulder, looking real serious.  “And if you see Bob Sheldon around here, you get out, you hear me?  If he comes into this house, get the gun if you have to.  I mean it.  You get out of here and you get away from him.”  

Pony hadn’t mentioned that Bob would most likely be in school, and there was only so much avoiding they could do stuck in the same building together.  Darry was scared, and there was no way Pony could make him not scared.  So he just nodded, grabbing his brother’s arm before he could walk off.  “I’ll be alright, Darry.  I promise.”

He knew his brother hated not being able to stay with him.  He hated that Pony was home alone for two weeks, and that he was still hurting some, and that if it came down to a fight without weapons, he wouldn’t stand a chance.  But bills had to be paid.  So when the knock came on the door on Tuesday before noon, Pony was more hesitant than he’d usually be when answering their door.  Instead, he peeked out through the living room curtains, then grinned, nearly running to the front door and throwing it open.  

“James!” 

“Hey there kid.”  He shot a hand out to ruffle his hair, then came right into their house like he was one of the gang, grinning just as big as Pony was.  James being there meant he wouldn’t be stuck inside all day, and he could tell him all about New York and what had been going on up there.  James gave him a critical once over after Pony shut their front door, not bothering to lock it since he wasn’t alone, crossing his arms and nodding to himself.  “Well, you look better.  Finally looks like you’ve been eating.  Where’s the short one?”

“Work.  He might come over after, though.”  

“What about you?  What are you doing all day?”

Pony shrugged.  “It’s Christmas break.  Soda and Darry are working, so I’ve just been hanging around here.  Darry doesn’t want me going anywhere on my own.”  

“Yeah?  That’s probably for the best.  You sure know how to find trouble.”  He patted him on the shoulder.  “You want to get out of here?  Say hi to the soft drink?” 

“Sure!”  He didn’t want to ask James straight out if he minded walking him to the library, since he was all out of books, but his friend surprised him.

“Might as well get you some books too.  If I know you, you’re probably out.”

Pony nodded, a little sheepish, and James waved a hand. 

“Go on, kid.  I ain’t got all day.  Get your books and let’s go.”  He laughed to himself when Pony rushed off to do just that, his backpack thrown over his shoulder with the books he needed to take back to the library.  

Pony walked into the DX first, grinning when Steve’s eyes went wide.  “Kid, you know you ain’t supposed to be walking around on your own,” he hissed, coming around from behind the counter and looking around, probably for Soda.  “What’s going on?”

“I’m not alone,” Pony told him simply, jerking his head back as James stepped inside and nodded to him, making Steve relax.

“Hey, man,” he greeted, holding out a hand and shaking his hand.  “The kid didn’t tell us you were coming.” 

“Thought I’d surprise him.  How are things going around here?”

“Bob Sheldon’s walking around free, and Pony’s brothers have got him on lockdown.”  

“Yeah?”  He glanced down at Pony.  “That why your front door was locked?”

“Bob ain’t gonna do nothing.”

Steve rolled his eyes.  “Well he just about killed you the last time you thought that, so we ain’t taking any chances.”

“Where is this Bob guy anyway?”  James wondered, eyes cold and dangerous like Dally.  It was easy to forget, Pony thought, that James and Dally had been buddies before he’d met either of them, and that they were both pretty rough guys.  Hell, Dally had gotten locked up for James.  That was the whole reason James had been willing to do him a favor and look after Pony in New York.

“Probably hanging around his side of town,” Steve told him.  

James nodded, giving Pony a considering look.

“He’ll be in school after break,” Pony told them with a shrug.  

“Yeah, and you ain’t going within ten feet of him,” Steve warned, pointing a finger.

He didn’t argue.  His brothers would back Steve up anyway.  Besides, he doubted Bob would suddenly want to have a conversation after all this.  “You guys already rumbled.”

“And we’ll rumble again if he so much as looks at any of us wrong,” Steve grumbled.  “Go see your brother.  He’s been worrying about you all day.”

“Why?  I’ve been stuck in the house.”

“He’s got it in his head that Bob might stop by and try to finish what he started.”

Pony didn’t bother trying again to tell him that that wasn’t going to happen.  Instead, he let James steer him out to the back where he found Soda leaning against the wall, smoking a cigarette and tapping his foot as he stared at an old truck up on the lift.  

“Want me to take a look?” Pony called, grinning when Soda’s head whipped up.  

First, Soda looked scared, like Bob might be hot on his heels or something, but then he caught sight of James and grinned, shoulders coming down as he relaxed and dropped his cigarette, stomping it out under his shoe.  “Hey, James.”  He reached out to shake his hand, his other hand going to grip Pony’s shoulder like he was in danger of disappearing.  

“How’s it going, soft drink?” James asked with a smirk, shaking his hand.  “Thought I’d surprise the kid.  Get him out of the house some.”

“We appreciate it man.”

Pony wanted to remind his brother that he would be fine on his own, but he didn’t think Soda would believe him, so he just kept quiet, letting Soda and James catch up.  The whole time, Soda kept close to him, glancing over at the street and back at the DX like he was keeping an eye out, and Pony hated that he was so worried…ever since finding out about Bob getting out, both his brothers had been on edge.  

He wanted to tell them that he wasn’t worried about Bob…that if Richard had been released, then he’d be freaking out too.  But Bob wasn’t going to do anything.  He doubted they’d even see much of each other.  

Eventually, Soda had to get back to work, and James and Pony headed to the library where Pony tried to be quick about picking new books.  Then they went to see Johnny, catching up with him on his lunch break, James running over to the closest fast food place to grab them some burgers, and the three of them sat in the back of the grocery store break room, eating and catching up.

And Pony thought it was almost like New York, but better, because he wasn’t scared anymore.  He was there…fully there.  And he didn’t have to miss his friends or worry about going to work and trying to make enough money to go home to his family.  He could just hang out with his friends and have a good time.

James took him back home after lunch since he still got tired pretty easily, and although he could move around alot better than before, Darry still wanted him to be careful.  Once at the house, he dropped onto the sofa, trying real hard to stay awake, but James looked at him real close, arms crossed as he watched him try to keep his eyes open.  “I’m going to hunt Dally down.  Get some rest, kid.”

“I’m alright,” Pony tried to argue, but James shook his head, grabbing the backpack Pony had dropped on the floor and moving it closer.  

“The soft drink said you’re supposed to be resting.”

“I’ve been out of the hospital for over a month!”

“Yeah, and that doctor still wants you to take it easy.  So you need to take it easy, you hear?”  James grinned when he clapped him on the shoulder, but his eyes were serious, and Pony wondered again if he reminded his friend of his little brother…of the boy who’d died before they’d even met.  “I won’t be gone long.  Read or something.”

Pony did, falling asleep a few pages into the book, and he didn’t wake up until their front door shut with a soft ‘click.’  

There was a pause, and then Darry’s soft voice filled the room.  “Hey, man.  How’s it going?”

“Hey, Darry.  Thought I’d come down and surprise the kid.  Figured he could use a babysitter for a few days.”

Darry chuckled as Pony blinked at the back of the sofa, trying to wake up.  He didn’t even remember falling asleep, and it wasn’t like he’d done much that day, but he guessed even walking around town for a couple of hours was more than he was used to these days.  

“How long has he been out?”

“I went to find Dal around 2.  He was asleep when I got back an hour ago.  He always get so tired?”

“Yeah…the doctor said that would be normal for a while.  I’m going to take him back after Christmas.  He’ll want to start training for track again soon, and he wants to get a job too.”

“That ought to keep him out of trouble.” 

Darry snorted.  “God, I hope so.”  He hesitated.  “That shit with Bob…it wasn’t his fault.  That asshole’s been after him from the start.  He sure wasn’t looking for trouble.  But now…they let him go.  Said it was self defense.”  Darry gave a disgusted sigh.  “Some rich kid gets to stab my little brother and they call it self defense.”

“That’s how it is, man,” James told him, sounding cold and mad like Dally again.  “Bunch of assholes in charge…rich kids can get away with anything.”  Then his tone changed as Pony shifted on the sofa, voice going a little louder.  “You awake, Pony?”

“Yeah,” he muttered, wiping his eyes and sitting up, being careful not to move too fast.  Getting stabbed was hard to heal from, apparently.  “Didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

“You needed it.”  Then he turned to Darry who was taking his tool belt and hanging it up beside the door.  “Mind if I crash here for a few days?  I’ve got to head back after Christmas.”

“Any time, man.  We still got that spare room.”  

Pony knew that was true.  After James had looked after him all summer, his brothers would let him stay as long as he wanted.  By spare room, of course, Darry meant Soda’s bedroom, but since Soda shared with him, James wouldn’t have to crash on the couch.

“Marcus couldn’t come this time?”  Darry wondered, moving over to sit on the couch beside Ponyboy, patting him on the shoulder and looking him over like he might have somehow gotten injured and was hiding it.  

“Nah.  Couldn’t get off work.”  James dropped into the chair.  “He said something about coming down this summer though.  Maybe bring Sue, if her dad will let her come.”

Pony tried not to perk up too much at that, but James was giving him a knowing look, so he knew he wasn’t subtle.  Beside him, Darry nodded, probably doing the mental math on where everyone would stay.  Having a girl staying in their house was a little different than Marcus and James.  When Rita stayed over, they were all real careful to watch their swearing and avoid walking around in just towels.  Still, Pony knew his brother wouldn’t turn them away for nothing.  Maybe they could stay with Two-Bit, he thought.  Or Rita, if she had her own place by then.

Two-Bit and Johnny both came over for dinner, Two-Bit with a case of sodas and Johnny with a bag of dented cans of pasta sauce and vegetables and soup that he insisted Darry keep.  “They’re just going to throw them away,” he reasoned with a shrug, and Darry patted him on the back before staring on a dinner of enough pasta for everyone.  They were still short on money, Pony knew, and he couldn’t wait for that doctor to clear him so he could get a part time job.  Even if he made minimum wage, which he was sure he would, he could at least help Darry with the groceries.  Maybe he could even give him enough to help cover bills, like Soda did.  

James slept in Soda’s old bed for the next few days, and Pony could tell that both of his brothers were glad to have him around.  He hung out with Pony and Johnny most of the time, going to the movies or the diner where all the greasers hung out, getting to know the local guys and telling them about New York.  

“You could move down here,” Pony suggested once as he and Johnny ate burgers and fries at the diner.  “Get a job…we’ve got diners too.”  He gestured around the room.

James chuckled, shaking his head, but his smile was almost fond.  “And why the hell would I want to move to this place?  Huh?”

“It’s cheaper,” Johnny put in with a shrug.

“Yeah, you might even be able to afford a TV.”

James just rolled his eyes, chuckling and throwing a fry at him.  

Pony and James spent most of that week together, hanging out with Johnny and Dal, Rita and Two-Bit joining them sometimes.  James seemed to have appointed himself as Pony’s second bodyguard, but he didn’t mind.  It kept Darry and Soda from worrying too much.  They played cards and wandered around town, with James always making sure Pony wasn’t too tired or sore.  They talked about New York and the guys there, and even Sue some, since James had been hanging around her dad’s store every once in a while to see Marcus and keep the assholes who’d caused them trouble away.  

On the night before Christmas, Pony found him on the back porch, smoking a rare cigarette.  He didn’t know if his friend just didn’t like them much, or if he didn’t want to smoke around Pony because of the scars on his arms, but he didn’t put it out when Pony joined him.  Just nodded to him as he leaned on the railing by the back stairs.  “You seem like you’re doing better.”  It wasn’t a question, but Pony nodded.

“Yeah…I’m alright.”  He meant it too.  He could eat again, and the nightmares were fewer and far between.  Sometimes, when he did have them, he’d even talk to Soda about the boy’s home and even about Richard.  And yeah, it hurt, but nothing like it had before.  He’d felt broken before.  Shattered.  Now, after all this time, it felt like he’d finally come back home.  Like he was okay, and he was safe, and that things were finally going to work out alright.  When he thought of Lianne, as he so often did, he thought about how happy she’d seemed the last time he’d seen her.  And it didn’t matter if anyone else thought that had been real or not…it had been real to him.  Lianne was at peace.  Rita was safe.  His brothers and friends were all okay.  He didn’t know what else he could possibly ask for.  

“You going to be able to run track again any time soon?”

“Darry said it might be a while, but I want to start training again soon.”

“Yeah?  You hoping for a scholarship?”

“Darry said between track and my grades, I’ve got a good chance.”  James nodded, thoughtful.  Pony hesitated, then turned to him.  “You ever thought about college or something like that?”

He snorted.  “Hell no, kid.  School was never really my thing.”  He reached over, messing up Pony’s hair and shaking his head.  “My little brother…that was more his thing.  He made real good grades.  Was always asking me for help with his homework like I had any idea how to do it.”  

“Darry still helps me with my homework all the time,” Pony put in softly.  “Even when we didn’t get along real well, he’d always help me.  Mom and Dad didn’t even have to ask him most of the time.”  He stared out at the yard, hands clasped, shivering a little in the cold night air.  “He got a football scholarship.  If it hadn’t been for needing to take care of me, he could have gone to college.  He’s smart…got good grades and was good at football.”  He swallowed hard, risking a glance at his friend.  “I wonder if he regrets it sometimes.”

“No way, kid.  Hell, I can tell you this, I’d give up just about anything to have my kid brother back.  Your big brother is the same.  Anyone that’s met him would tell you the same.   Darry loves you and Sodapop more than anything in the world.  He’d kill for the two of you.”  James reached out, patting him on the shoulder.  

Pony thought about asking more about his little brother and what he’d been like…if James ever dreamt about him like Pony had Lianne, but he didn’t know if James wanted to talk about it.  “You’ve got to leave after tomorrow, right?” he asked instead.

“Yeah.”  James squeezed his shoulder then took a drag of his cigarette before stomping it out.  “The guys covered for me this week, but I’m going to have to sell my radio for rent money if I don’t get back soon.”

Pony nodded, trying to hide how sad the thought made him.  It had been real good, having him around for the whole week, and Ponyboy knew he’d miss him.  He was like one of the gang, and he wished again that he lived in Tulsa and was around all year instead of these quick visits.  

“Don’t look like that, kiddo.  I’ll be back in a few months, remember.”

“Second week of July?”

“You got it.  And I’ll be bringing Sue and Marcus too.” 

He grinned at that, excited.  “That’ll be fun.”

“I was going to head over to Dal’s tonight.  Figured I’d stop by later tomorrow.”

“Oh…you sure?”

“Yeah.  I’ve been freeloading off your brothers the whole week.  Thought I might switch it up and leech off Dal for a change.”

Pony hesitated, then decided to go ahead and tell him.  “Uh…I got you something.  For Christmas.”

The look James gave him was indecipherable, but Pony just held up a hand.  “Wait here a sec,” he ordered, then hurried back into the house. 

He’d managed to find presents for everybody on his limited budget.  A wallet for Darry since his was falling apart.  A Mickey Mouse shirt for Soda that he figured would make him laugh and remind him of the horse he’d loved when they were kids.  A book for Johnny that he was pretty sure he hadn’t read yet.  A t-shirt with a pony on it for Two-Bit as payback for that birthday card.  He’d considered just drawing a picture of a hubcap in a card for Steve as a joke, but in the end, he’d gotten him a pack of smokes and a chocolate bar.  Steve had been pretty good to him since he’d gotten back, so he guessed he deserved a real Christmas present.  For Rita, he’d found a bracelet at the pawn shop.  It wasn’t fancy or nothing…Pony didn't know what kind of gifts you got for someone who was kind of your sister, but he figured jewelry was okay.

He hadn’t really planned on getting James a Christmas present.  It’s not like he was rolling in money or anything, especially since he didn’t have a job yet.  But he’d been at the hardware store with James and Two-Bit and had spotted the switchblade for sale.  It wasn’t all that big, and it wasn’t fancy or anything, but the handle had white inlaid over the metal and it looked like pearl, even though Pony was sure it was just painted or something.  Still, he’d bought it while they’d been trying to shoplift candy bars, and now he grabbed it from his room, walking quietly past Darry who was asleep in the recliner.  

James just watched him as he held it out, and he flushed a little.  “I didn’t wrap it or nothing.  Sorry.  I uh…I just thought you might like it.”  He shrugged, putting it in James’s hand and crossing his arms, feeling kind of dumb.  

Then his friend looked it over, nodding to himself.  Slowly, his lips turned up into a smile, and he pressed the button on the side, the blade flicking out.  “That’s pretty tuff, kid.  Thanks.”  He ruffled Pony’s hair, his eyes soft.  Then he put an arm around Pony’s shoulders, squeezing him to his side in a hug.  Surprised, Pony just stood there for a second, then leaned his head on his shoulder for a second, letting James pat him on the back, then push him away, grinning and pocketing the knife.  

On Christmas morning, Pony was, for the first time in a while, the first one up.  He rubbed his eyes as he sat up, moving carefully so he didn’t aggravate his stomach or wake Soda.  There was snow falling outside that he could just see through the edge of their closed curtains, and Ponyboy shivered a little when his bare feet hit the floor.  

Grabbing a sweatshirt and a pair of socks, he snuck out into the kitchen, turning to look at the tree as he passed.  Underneath the tree that they had gone out to get the day before, Pony and his brothers picking out a small one from a local farm, were a couple of boxes, all wrapped with wrapping paper they’d found in the attic.  He was sure he’d probably just get some clothes that actually fit, and maybe a book.  He didn’t care.  He was home.  That was all that mattered.

He headed straight for the porch and sat down on the bench, ignoring the chill in the air and watching the sun peek over the horizon.  He remembered that he’d always loved watching the sun rise, even if he didn’t usually get up early enough to see it.  It reminded him of going fishing with his dad and brothers early in the morning…of watching the sky turn colors over the lake as they all sat on the shore…of falling asleep on Soda’s shoulder on their way home.  It reminded him of that poem he’d memorized, whose meaning always seemed to elude him, but the words felt like magic anyway.  And now, it reminded him of sleeping fitfully out behind a bar after Richard had decided to settle for him since he couldn’t get to Rita, and of shivering in the dirt, half covered by the jacket he’d thankfully been wearing.  

The sunrise had been just as beautiful as it was now, but he’d cried behind the bar as he’d watched it then, hot tears running down his cold cheeks as he’d wished for his brothers.  

Ponyboy tried to shake that thought off…to remember fishing with his brothers and their dad, or shooting targets with Soda when they’d all gone hunting.  Richard was in prison and he was home, and the last thing he wanted to do was ruin Christmas by thinking about any of that…or even thinking about his last Christmas.  

It wasn’t too long before Darry joined him, sitting beside him with a sigh and wrapping an old throw blanket around his shoulders, an arm going around him and a hand rubbing his arm to warm him up.  Darry didn’t scold him, though.  He just watched the sun rise alongside Ponyboy, the two of them sitting in silence, and Pony wondered if he was thinking about that Christmas apart too.  

“Where’d James run off to?” Darry wondered after a moment, the sun flooding their yard with weak, early morning light.  The forecast had called for more snow, and Pony was grateful for the blanket.  

“Said he was going to stay with Dal last night.”  He’d left not too long after Pony had given him his gift, patting his shoulder and letting him know that he’d see him again before he left.  “He’s leaving tomorrow.”

Darry nodded.  “Yeah, he said.”

“I wish he’d stay,” Pony confided.  It was still kind of strange, saying something like that to Darry, but his brother was different now.  Not entirely…there were still things he couldn't get as well as Soda.  But he tried now.  

Darry squeezed him a little tighter, patting his arm.  “I know, kiddo.  But he’s gonna visit again, right?  This summer?”

Summer felt like too far away, but Pony just nodded.  He figured he’d have to take what he could get.  Besides, he didn’t want to be sad about it yet…not on Christmas.

It wasn’t too much longer that Darry patted his arm one more time and stood, holding a hand out.  “Come on.  You’re going to freeze to death out here.”  

Ponyboy took his hand, figuring he was right, and the two headed inside, falling into their normal routine.  Darry made breakfast while Pony took a shower, and at some point Soda woke up, wishing them both a cheerful ‘merry Christmas,’ the three of them headed for the tree as soon as they ate the eggs and bacon that Darry had made them.

Pony guessed he should have learned by now that his brother liked pretty much anything he got them, but they were both real happy with their presents, Soda laughing when he opened the shirt and held it up.  “It’s Mickey!  Like that old horse.  Remember, Dar?”  

Darry nodded, turning his new wallet over and over in his hands and smiling down at it, then reaching over to squeeze Pony’s shoulder.  “Thanks, kiddo.  This is great.”

Ponyboy got a couple of pairs of jeans and some shirts that were probably from the secondhand store, but he didn’t care, because they fit, and because there wasn’t a single thing he wanted more in the world than what he already had.  Later the guys would come over and he’d give Two and Steve their presents, and they’d all laugh at Two-Bit’s new shirt, which he’d wear several time over the next few months.  Steve would thank him for the smokes and the chocolate and he’d pat him on the shoulder as he made his way to the kitchen, the two of them actual friends now.  

He’d give Rita her present too, feeling kind of embarrassed about it, but she’d light up, her eyes shining as she asked him to help her put it on.  Then she’d throw her arms around him, kissing his hair like his mom would, or like a big sister, and he’d hug her back, remembering the nights she’d patched him up and the nights he’d fought to keep her safe.  

James would come over too, Dally in tow, the two of them showing up in time for lunch.  Pony would help his brothers clean up discarded wrapping paper, then they’d all eat the cake that Darry had made for dessert.  They’d even go out back despite the cold, throwing the football around, all of them careful with Pony despite his insistence that he was fine…that his stomach barely hurt anymore, until Pony’s hands were numb, and then they’d all head back inside to warm up under blankets at they played cards and blasted the radio.  

Sitting sandwiched between Soda and Johnny on the sofa, watching his brother try to slip an ace out of his sleeve without being caught, Ponyboy would grin down at his cards, thinking this might be the best Christmas he’d ever had.  He was home.  He was safe.  He had his friends and his family

What else could he possibly want?

Chapter Text

"You about done with that box?"

Pony looked over from the box of canned green beans he was putting away, careful to put the oldest ones right at the front, turning them so any dents didn't show. Johnny was at the end of the aisle, leaning around a shelf and watching him, obviously working not to look like he was worried or anything. But Johnny always watched him real close at work.

"Yeah, just about."

"The produce truck just got here."

"Alright. I'll be there in just a minute."

About a week after Christmas, right before school started again, Darry had taken him back to the doctor, and Pony had been cleared to get a job and start training for track as long as he didn't push too hard. Reluctantly, his brother had finally given him the green light to start applying for jobs, and with a recommendation from Mr. Williams, he'd managed to get hired at the grocery store where Johnny worked just three days later.

He was pretty sure Darry had been hoping it would take longer.

Soda had tried to be happy for him instead of worried, throwing an arm around his shoulders when he'd gotten the news. "Hey! It's your first job!"

"No it ain't," Pony had laughed, regretting the words as soon as he'd said them. He knew Soda didn't want to count New York…didn't want to count all that time spent on his own, working because he had to to survive and not because he wanted some extra spending money. His brother had patted his back, smiling kind of sadly.

"Yeah…I know. But it's your first job in Tulsa."

That, it seemed, had meant something to him, so Pony had just gone along with it, letting Soda make what he called a 'celebratory' cake, which was the same as every other cake he'd ever made. Darry had taken a piece too, and between the three of them, they'd made short work of it. Afterwards, Ponyboy had called James and had given him the news.

"Seriously? Someone hired you? Again?"

Pony had laughed, wishing not for the first time that James didn't live so far away. It had been harder to say goodbye this time. His friend felt like part of the gang now. He called Sue too, when his brothers weren't home, talking to her for almost an hour before realizing how long he'd been on the phone, and remembering that it was long distance, so he told her he'd write her soon, and maybe call from a payphone next time. She'd been happy for him, just like James and Soda, and had told him all about how things in her dad's store had been going, and how she was looking forward to being done with high school and starting college.

He'd started work almost a month ago, with some pretty strict rules from Darry, but he guessed they were all fair. For the most part. He just tried not to get irritated, or think about how Soda, eighteen now, had never been on such a short leash when it came to working. But, Pony had reminded himself when Darry had been laying down the law, Soda had dropped out of school, and they'd needed that money.

The first and most important rule was that he had to keep his grades up and make time for homework. The second was that he wasn't allowed to close on a school night, even if Johnny did. "I don't want you walking home on your own that late when you've got school the next morning, especially if me or Soda can't come get you."

Pony had agreed, and had managed to follow the rules, juggling school work and tentatively going from walking to jogging around the track on his days off, trying to get back in shape for it, and keeping his grades up, and making sure his boss knew that he could only close on Fridays or Saturdays.

His boss knew who his big brother was. Pony doubted he would try to argue.

It was almost February, and the wind howled outside. Pony shivered a little despite the work they were doing, and the long sleeves he wore under his apron as he made his way toward the open door where the produce truck had pulled up. It was almost nine, and him and Johnny had been there since getting off school because two other guys and a cashier had quit, and their boss had asked them to work extra. Darry wasn't thrilled with him working so late, even though it was Friday and wasn't a school night, but he figured the extra money would be nice. Maybe Darry would even take a little extra.

He still couldn't help smiling when he remembered putting the cash on the table last week after his first paycheck, a thrill of triumph going through him every time he thought about it. He was finally helping his family…maybe, he'd thought, Darry could even cut back on his hours some!

Darry had stared at the stack of cash, looking confused before shaking his head. "Pony…"

"Just take it, Dar. It'll help, right?" His older brother had looked so sad that it had hurt for a second, and Pony's heart had dropped. This was supposed to be a good thing, he'd thought desperately. "I don't mind. I kept some to spend too." Some, in that instance, had been $1, but Darry didn't need to know that.

Darry had stood, reaching out and putting an arm around him, squeezing him in a hug that was still careful, even though his stomach almost never hurt anymore. "You're a good kid, you know that?"

He'd tried to brush him off, ears hot. "It ain't nothing, Darry."

"Yeah it is." He patted his back, giving him one of his smiles that used to be rare, but were more common now. In the end, he'd agreed to take $10 a week, insisting Pony kept the rest, and he hadn't been too happy about it. When Pony had tried to argue, he'd shaken his head, firm. "I ain't taking all your money. You earned that. Start saving up for college or a car…hell, save up to go visit Sue if you want. But that's your money." Pony had tried not to blush at his mention of Sue, but Darry hadn't teased him or nothing. He'd just handed the $5 bill back. "We can open you a savings account too if you want."

Ponyboy helped Johnny unload the boxes of oranges first, ignoring how Johnny always took the heavier boxes, and thinking about those words. Buy a car…he hadn't really thought he'd be able to get a car before college, but he'd need one to drive himself to class, even if he was planning on living at home and going to the University of Tulsa. Plus…if Sue moved close by, he could drive her places.

Maybe take her out.

He called Darry from the payphone when they were finished unloading the produce truck, as per his instructions, and he winced a little when he realized it was almost ten thirty. He usually walked or took the bus, but Darry wanted him to call for a ride when it got late, at least until it got warmer out. "Hey, Dar. We just got done."

"Alright. Stay there. Soda's going to come pick you up."

"We can walk," he tried, knowing it was in vain.

"No way. It's freezing out, Pony." Darry didn't say the rest…that he didn't like Pony working so late, even if it did mean extra money, especially when the snow falling would freeze into ice overnight. "He'll be there in just a minute. He's leaving now."

"Thanks, Darry."

Pony relayed the message to Johnny, and the two of them stood by the glass front doors of the grocery store, waiting for the truck to pull in. "I need to save up for a car," he told Johnny, rubbing his arms and watching the snow fall in the light from the street lamps.

Johnny nodded, shivering a little beside him. "Tell me about it, man. I've been saving too…maybe Dally can find someone selling theirs. Get us a deal."

Pony resolved then to take Darry up on that offer to get him a bank account and start saving as soon as he could. He didn't need to be relying on Soda and Darry for rides when he had to work late, and he could take turns driving with Johnny once they both had cars. With him buying his own stuff and helping Darry, maybe Soda could save up too. He wished he made enough to get Soda his own car…that cherry red mustang he'd been looking at. He wished he could make enough that Darry didn't have to work like an old man and could go to college instead. Enough that Soda could save his own money and buy stuff he wanted and take his girl out to nice places.

But he knew that just like his dream of buying his brother that horse when he'd been little, it was just that. A dream. He worked at a grocery store, he reminded himself with a sad smile. Making minimum wage. He'd be lucky to buy himself a shitty car, and even then he'd have to hope one of his friends could get him a deal.

Once Soda parked in front of the double doors, Johnny locked up behind them, and they hurried to the truck, trying to spend as little time outside as possible.

"Glory, it's cold out. Ain't you two freezing?"

Ponyboy nodded, moving closer to Soda and practically snuggling against his brother who grinned and draped an arm around him to try and warm him up. Johnny leaned in too and he laughed, cranking the heat up.

"You work tomorrow?"

"Yeah. We close again."

Soda shook his head. "He needs to hire some more people. You heard Darry."

Pony knew it wasn't just Darry…Soda wasn't too happy about him working late either. "Mr. Rivers knows. I told him I couldn't close during the week, and he's fine with it."

His brother just hummed disapprovingly, rubbing his arm to keep him warm as he heat blasted. They dropped Johnny off at home, then headed back to the house where Darry was waiting up for them. Darry didn't get on him for being out too late. He just looked him over like he was checking for injuries, something he did all the time now. "You feeling okay?" he asked as Pony sat down on the sofa, stomach aching a little, but it was just sore. Nothing too bad.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Mr. Rivers wants us to close again tomorrow."

"He knows you can't close on school nights, right?"

"Yeah, he knows."

"Good," Darry grumbled. "You hungry? We saved you a plate."

"Yeah. I'll…" Before he could even get up, Soda was heading to the kitchen. His brother put his plate in the oven to warm up while Pony answered Darry's questions about work, assuring him that he still had plenty of time for school work and hanging out with Johnny and Dal. He even told him that he'd been walking around the track on his days off (he'd been jogging more and more but figured he'd break that to Darry slowly.) Then he ate his dinner and headed to bed, sleeping through the night until Soda's alarm woke them both in the morning.

Pony and Johnny closed the next night too, and they followed the same routine, Soda picking them up and Darry saving him a plate. He went with Soda, Steve, and Johnny to watch Dal race on Sunday, the three of them leaving early so Pony could be home by his school-night curfew, but Steve didn't even make any smart remarks about it. Just kept an eye on him while they watched Dally win his race and stayed close whenever it seemed like a fight might break out nearby.

The week passed, and before Pony knew it, it was time to close again, him and Johnny going to the store straight after school on Friday and getting right to work. Their boss seemed to like them pretty well, and he didn't keep too close of an eye on them, so they were left to work on their own for the most part. Johnny insisted that he'd get the canned goods, leaving Pony with the boxes of pasta and rice and cereal while they waited for the store to close, so Pony got to it, knowing his friend just wanted to take the heavier stuff for himself and leave Pony with the easy stuff.

His thoughts were still on that car he wanted to save up for, and on the stuff he was putting away, making sure to put the old boxes up front. Pretty soon, he was almost done, left with just the cereal. He checked the clock, realizing with a start that the store would close in thirty minutes, and it was already dark out. He'd been so lost in thought that he'd barely noticed Johnny letting him know that he was going to take a smoke break. Once the store was closed, they'd usually work in the same aisle and talk, so he didn't bother joining Johnny to go outside and watch him smoke. He hadn't seen anyone come in in a while, and he hoped it stayed that way. Their boss got irritable when customers didn't leave once the store was closed.

He didn't see the guy in a baseball cap coming down the aisle, and he almost ran into him when he turned, nearly dropping the box of cereal he was about to put on the shelf. "Oh…I'm sorry…" he started, eyes wide, hoping he hadn't pissed off a customer. Then he trailed off, eyes widening when Bob Sheldon pushed the baseball cap up so it wasn't shading his face anymore.

Ponyboy hadn't seen him even once at school. He knew he'd been around…Steve and Two-Bit had been sticking close, and Pony had been keeping busy trying to actually pay attention in class and catch up on his homework. He was, finally, and was finally to a point where he could goof off with Two-Bit sometimes instead of spending the whole hour trying to do all of his work. He'd even given in and skipped with him once, ducking out of school early to go to the movies instead.

Darry hadn't found out, thankfully. He was sure that if he did, him and Two-Bit both would get an earful.

He never saw Bob, though. Ponyboy was in the cafeteria most days, and he hung out in the parking lot before school with the guys. He walked or jogged around the track when he didn't have to work. He went to all of his classes. But he never ran into Bob Sheldon. He knew Bob was back in school because no fewer than seven greases and three guys on the track team had gone out of their way to tell him in front of Two-Bit or Steve, like they were making sure the guys that looked out for him knew too. Maybe they didn't trust him to keep himself safe…and he guessed he couldn't blame them.

Johnny stuck close to him in the halls, and Two-Bit or Steve gave him rides to and from school and to work. They all sat together when they ate in the cafeteria. But despite their dedication to looking after him at all times, they never ran into Bob. Pony just figured that he was keeping out of their way, since Two-Bit and Steve would tell anyone with a pulse that they were going to beat the shit out of him if he so much as made eye contact with Ponyboy. The other socs were keeping their distance too after the rumble, even though Pony didn't have any faith that would last.

But suddenly he was just there, standing in front of Ponyboy in a ballcap and a madras shirt. And Pony knew that if Johnny came back from his smoke break and turned the corner to see them talking, he might just go after Bob right there, possibly getting them both fired.

"Hi," Pony finally said dumbly, blinking at him and feeling like an idiot. He knew he ought to be feeling something…something other than surprise. But he wasn't scared or nothing. He wasn't even mad. He just wanted to get back to work and try to figure out when he would have time to get Darry to help him set up a savings account.

"Hey, greaser."

"You, uh…need cereal or something?" It was a stupid question. Of course Bob Sheldon didn't do his own grocery shopping, and if he did, he wouldn't do it here. Still, Ponyboy wasn't sure what else to say.

Bob snorted, giving him a strange look. But when Pony didn't say anything else, he just shook his head. "I heard you worked here."

"Yeah. Just started not too long ago."

He nodded, both of them shooting looks at the end of the empty aisles, and Pony figured they were both hoping that Johnny didn't come back from his smoke break too early.

"That, uh…I'm…" He looked up at the ceiling for a second, apparently lost for words. "I'm glad you, uh…made it."

Pony just nodded. "Saved you from a murder charge I guess."

Bob shook his head. "That ain't why." He hesitated, looking around again, eyes darting to the end of the aisle. "I thought about coming to your house…when they let me go."

Pony almost laughed aloud, knowing how Darry and Soda would have reacted to that. Honestly, it was a risk talking to him now, considering word could get back to any of his friends, or Johnny could decide to show up, and there was no way he'd keep this from Darry and Soda. "It's a good thing you didn't. My brother probably would have broken your legs."

"Which one?" Bob asked, almost smiling, and Pony grinned, relaxing a little.

"Probably Darry. Sodapop would hold you down, though."

Bob snorted, eyes still darting around the empty aisle, both of them knowing that if word got back to Steve or Two-Bit, or even Johnny, that there'd be hell to pay for this. "Look…I just…I just wanted to say that…I never meant…I mean…I wasn't actually trying to kill you in that locker room or nothing," he muttered, glaring at the shelves full of cereal boxes.

"I know."

Bob met his eyes then, looking startled, and Pony went on.

"I know what it's like when someone really wants to kill you." He was surprised at himself for saying something like that to Bob Sheldon of all people, but he went on anyway. It wasn't a secret, what he'd gone through. "You were drunk when you tried to drown me. And in the locker room…you didn't think I was going to stop."

Bob swore under his breath, shaking his head and looking more upset than Pony thought he would. Then again, he thought, Cherry had seen something in him, right? Otherwise, she wouldn't have dated him. He must have been an okay guy sometimes. Pony had just never seen it.

"I didn't mean to. I swear, greaser." He shook his head, talking real quiet like Johnny or one of the guys might be close by. "Kid. I swear, kid. As soon as I did it…"

"I know."

"I thought you were gonna die. And…and you were getting up. You were…you were telling me that we didn't have to fight and…I fucking…" He ran a rough hand over his face, shaking his head. "I thought you were going to die. If Randle hadn't been there, you would have. Hell, from what I heard you almost did anyway. I just wanted to…to teach you a lesson." He spoke bitterly, jaw tight as he glared at the floor. "Teach the fucking greaser a lesson. But I almost killed a kid. I mean, Jesus, how old are you?"

"Turned sixteen in December."

Bob swore again, shaking his head. "You guys won the rumble. But what the fuck does it matter?" He adjusted his hat, giving him a wry smile. "I'll bet your brothers had a good time beating the shit out of us, though."

"Just Darry," Pony told him with a shrug. "Soda wouldn't go. He was too scared to leave me. The doctors were asking my brothers if they wanted a priest."

Bob swallowed hard, and Pony wondered if he'd ever thought about a tough greaser being scared to leave his baby brother because he might die…if Bob had ever seen them as people with families they loved and fought with and fought for.

"They don't matter, you know? Rumbles. They don't do shit. It don't even matter who wins."

Pony thought about suggesting he get his buddies to quit jumping greasers then, but he knew it wasn't that simple. Guys from his side of town started shit just as often as the socs did. So he just nodded. "Yeah. I know."

He watched Bob look around the aisle one more time, then glance at his watch. "Well…anyway, I just wanted to tell you…tell you I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I figured this was the best place to try and find you without your friends around."

He nodded. "I already knew that. You said…in the locker room."

"Well I wanted to tell you again." He shrugged. "The judge told me to stay away from you. My dad said the same. But I had to tell you…"

"Yeah, I dig man."

Bob hesitated, then held out a hand. Pony took it, the two of them shaking hands before Bob pulled away, crossing his arms over his chest. "I'd better go before your friend sees me here."

"Yeah, probably."

"See you around, greaser." He grinned a little when he said it, and Pony snorted, nodding and waving as he ducked out the aisle and hurried out of the store.

Pony wouldn't see him again for weeks, and even then, it would just be a glimpse in the hallway before Two-Bit would materialize, an arm thrown around his shoulders as he would lead him away. But for the moment, Pony just watched him go before getting back to stocking the shelves with cereal, grateful that Johnny hadn't caught them.

Chapter Text

Thankfully, the second semester of his junior year passed with no more incidents, and before Ponyboy knew it, the long cold winter, which had felt so endless when he was in the middle of it, was over.  The socs left them alone for the most part, and he spent his days after school either running to get in shape for his last year of track or working.  The most surprising thing to happen all semester was the day he showed up to work on a Tuesday in mid-March to Mr. Rivers, his boss, letting him and Johnny know that he found a new weeknight closer.  

Keith Matthews.  

It had taken him a second to connect Keith with Two-Bit, and when Two had come in a few hours after them when they’d been about to leave, their friend had pointed a finger, shaking his head at their matching grins.  “Not a word, you two.”

“Hey, Mr. Rivers said some guy named Keith was working here now. You heard of him?” Johnny asked, and Pony laughed when Two-Bit punched him in the shoulder.  

“I can’t believe you finally got a job,” Pony told him, crossing his arms.  “Did you tell your mom yet?”

“Bet she fainted when he told her,” Johnny put in.

“Susie too…”

Two just grinned, rolling his eyes and ruffling Pony’s hair when he passed.  “Figured it was time,” he told them with a shrug.  “Besides, this way I’ll be able to keep an eye on you two.”  

The three of them only got to work together for an hour or two on weekends since Two-Bit came in late during the week, but he was always home in time to make sure his sister got to bed okay, and so she wasn’t alone at night.  He even seemed to like working.  He was surprisingly good with the customers, and even better catching the shoplifters.  Pony muttered to Johnny that it was because he knew exactly what to look for, and Two whacked him in the side of the head, making Johnny laugh out loud.

Their boss didn’t mind them talking and goofing off some, as long as they got their work done, and although Pony didn’t like him as much as Mr. Williams, he was a good guy to work for.  He even let them take dented cans and food that was about to expire sometimes, and they’d take turns taking them home.  Thanks to that, plus the extra money Pony gave Darry every week when he got paid, their cabinets and freezer were almost always stocked with food, and for the first time in a while, it felt like they had some breathing room.

Darry took Ponyboy to the bank to set up a savings account, and every week, Pony put the majority of the money he didn’t give to Darry in it, hoping he could save up for a car before he started college.  The money he’d gotten for his birthday and Christmas went in there too, and he spent the little bit of money he actually kept on the movies and on getting burgers with Johnny and Dal or Soda.  Darry didn’t give him money for lunch anymore since he had his own, but Two-Bit kept up his personal mission to make sure Ponyboy ate, so they went to the cafeteria several times a week, going to visit Soda at the DX to get food there or to a fast food joint to grab burgers or barbeque sandwiches on the other days.  But it wasn’t hard to eat anymore…wasn’t hard to feel hungry.  He’d still look at the scars on his arms or his back sometimes, or the one going across his face, and he’d get a flash of that same fear he’d had for so long, but those moments passed, and then he’d be okay again.  

By the end of March he was running on the track team again.  Not in every race…his coach insisted he start slow, as did Darry, who’d insisted on taking him to the doctor again to make sure he was up for it, but he worked his way back up to the A team, practicing every day he could.  Two-Bit still came to practice with him sometimes, doing his homework on the bleachers and giving him rides home before heading to work, and Pony marveled at the fact that life moved on after everything that had happened…after he’d been so sure that he wouldn’t survive his time in that house.  

But he had.  He’d survived, and now, he thought as he took his last final of his junior year, he only had one year of high school left.  He had a job he liked, and he wrote to Sue every week and talked to her on the phone sometimes, usually on a payphone.  He wouldn’t call her his girlfriend, but he hoped that one day he’d be able to.  Things with Darry were better than they’d been since his parents had died, and he didn’t even really fight with Steve anymore.  And he was pretty sure that he’d be able to get a partial scholarship if he kept his grades as good as they were now, and if he could keep in shape for track over the summer.  

Pretty soon, it was time for graduation, and everyone but Dally, who had to work and probably wouldn’t have come even if he hadn’t, got up early to go watch Steve and Johnny walk.  Soda insisted they get a seat up front, and he handed out snack cakes he’d snuck in in his pockets for them to eat while they waited.  Darry just rolled his eyes at him, but he took the little cake Soda pushed at him, and Pony unwrapped his, scarfing it down even though it was smashed from being in Soda’s pocket.  

It was a long, boring ceremony, but Soda make up for it when it was Steve’s turn to get his diploma.  As soon as they called his name, Soda jumped up, followed by Two-Bit, the two of the hollering and whistling so loud that everyone turned to look at them.  Darry sighed beside Pony, wiping a hand over his face and trying not to laugh, but Pony couldn’t help it.  Steve rolled his eyes, glaring at them and mouthing ‘shut up!’ at Soda who cheerfully ignored him.

They did the same for Johnny who grinned, ducking his head and looking embarrassed as he took his diploma.  A teacher finally did come over and hiss at Soda to quiet down, and Darry grabbed the back of Soda’s shirt, yanking him down.  “I’m sorry,” he murmured, turning to glare at their brother.  “You’re going to get us kicked out!”

Soda just laughed, waving at Johnny as he headed back to his own seat and giving him a thumbs up.  Johnny met Pony’s eyes, the two of them fighting to contain their laughter, and he was glad that his brother had made a big scene for both of them.  Neither of their parents had bothered showing up, but at least they had the gang.

When the ceremony was over, they all went out for dinner.  It wasn't as fancy a place as the one they'd gone to when Pony had passed his tests back in August, but it was still real nice.  They all sat around a big table, Pony in between Two-Bit and Johnny, and ordered steak dinners as they answered Darry’s questions about their plans for life after high school.  

Johnny had gotten into the University of Tulsa, thanks to a partial scholarship and the money he’d saved up working at the grocery store, and he’d told Pony a few days ago that he was going to start looking for an apartment close to campus.  “Maybe we can room together in a couple of years,” he’d suggested, and Pony had agreed.  He sure didn’t want to leave his brothers just yet, but living in his own place a few minutes away felt like it would be an okay compromise.  That would give Darry some space, especially if him and Mary wanted more time together.  Johnny didn’t know what he wanted to study at school, but Pony could tell he was just excited at the idea of moving out of his parents’ house.  

Steve had been talking about getting his own place too, and had mentioned taking some classes at the trade school and switching to full time at the gas station.  Pony figured that if he did get his own place, Soda would probably room with him at some point.  And for the first time, Pony felt like that would be okay.

He still had his brothers.  They were all still close.  He was okay.

“What about you, Two-Bit?  You finally gonna graduate?” Steve asked, taking a swig of his soda.  

“Yeah, I guess I might as well.  No way Ponyboy’s gonna graduate before me.”  He slung an arm around Pony’s shoulders, his smile carefree.  “It’s just you and me now, kid.”

“I’m surprised they haven’t kicked you out yet,” Soda put in with a laugh, and Two-Bit kicked him under the table.

“What about you, Superman?” Two asked.  “You gonna wait until this one’s done before you start up with school again?”

“Yeah, I’d better.  College ain’t cheap.”

“You ain’t gonna have to pay for Pony.  Haven’t you seen his grades?  He’s gonna get a full ride!”  Two-Bit ruffled his hair and Pony rolled his eyes and ducked away, but not before he saw the soft, proud smile on Darry’s face.

“You’re probably right.  He did real good this year.”

Ponyboy felt his ears go hot, and he was hoping they’d change the subject, but Soda raised his Pepsi.  “Hell yeah he did.  Straight A’s and everything.”

“And he’s back on the A team.  Won most of his races,” Two-Bit put in and Pony ducked his head.  

“Alright.  That’s enough.  I ain’t even the one that graduated,” he grumbled and they all laughed, Johnny nudging him from his other side.  They all let up then, going back to talking about their plans for the next year and college and moving out of their parents’ houses, but once they were home, Darry pulled him aside in the kitchen as Soda went to his room to change since him and Steve were taking their girls out.  

“You did great this year, Pony.  I’m awful proud of you.”  His eyes were warm as he rested a hand on the back of Ponyboy’s neck, and Pony felt his eyes go hot as he swallowed hard, his smile kind of watery.  

“Thanks, Dar.”  

Darry squeezed him hard in a hug, patting his back before pulling away.  “You got plans today?”

Pony shook his head.  Darry had nixed the idea of him going full time at the grocery store over the summer like Johnny was, although he had allowed him to pick up a few extra hours here and there, so didn’t have to work.  Two-Bit had plans with Rita, Johnny was working, and he was pretty sure Dal was too…either that or he was shacked up with some girl.  Pony hadn’t exactly made more friends at school over the last few months, and although he got along with the guys on the track team and had gotten lots of well wishes from people who were, in their words, ‘glad he wasn’t dead,’ he couldn’t think of anyone he could make plans with. 

For the first time, he thought that maybe he ought to try and make some friends his own age.  Doctor Song had suggested it once or twice, but with everyone growing up and seeming to move on with their lives, he thought the idea might have some merit.  

It was only about three though, so Pony figured he ought to find something to do.  “Nah, not really.  I’ll probably just go to the library.”  He planned on stopping at a payphone to call Sue too, but he wasn’t sure.  He’d just sent her a letter a few days ago, but it would be good to hear her voice.

“You want a ride?”

He shook his head.  It was a real nice day out, and besides, Darry had gotten a lot better about letting him go places on his own as long as it wasn’t too late and he carried his blade.  He always did.  “I’ll just walk.”

“Alright, kiddo.  Call if you need a ride later.”

“I will.”

Pony went to the library first, returning some of the books that he’d already read and finding some more, picking a corner in the back to read for a while.  It was a habit he’d picked up in New York and one he’d kept up ever since.  He didn’t mind reading at home, but it was nice to be on his own sometimes.  He could focus a lot better, and no one ever bugged him.  

Then, once he’d killed some time and couldn’t make himself wait anymore, he headed to the payphone on the side of the building.  It was the middle of the day in New York, so he knew she’d probably be at the store.  Dialing the number he knew by heart now, Pony leaned against the wall, smiling a little as he listened to it ring.  It was Mr. Williams that answered, and Pony felt his cheeks get hot.  The man hadn’t said anything about how often him and Sue talked, or their letters, but he had to notice, just like Soda and Darry did.  “Hi, Mr. Williams.  It’s Ponyboy.”

“Hello, Ponyboy.  How are you doing?”

“I’m good, sir.”

“How’s school?”

“I just finished my junior year.  We went out today to celebrate with our friends since they graduated.”

“Sue just finished her junior year too.  I suppose the two of you will graduate at the same time.”

“Yes, sir.”

“But she’s a year older than you, right?”

“Yes, sir.  They had me move up a year.”

“Sounds like you do pretty well in school.”

“Yes, sir.”  Pony felt like a broken record…but Mr. Williams sounded kind of serious.  

“Sue also told me that she’d thought about going to school in Oklahoma.”

That explained it, Pony thought, ears going kind of hot.  “Uh…yeah…yes, sir.  She mentioned wanting to go to Langston University.  That’s real close to the University of Tulsa.”

“It’s a good school.  I was hoping she’d stay close to home.”  He hesitated, voice softening a little when he went on.  “But I’d feel a lot better about her being so far away if you and your family was around to keep an eye on her.”

“Oh…of course,” Pony told him quickly.  “Johnny’s going to the University of Tulsa, and I was going to go there too.  We’ll all be around…Darry and Soda too.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” Mr. Williams told him, a smile in his voice.  “Did you want to speak to her?”

“Uh…yes, please.  If she’s not busy.”

“She’s due for her break.”

Sue picked up the phone, and he was sure he wasn’t mistaking the excitement he heard in her voice.  “Ponyboy?”

“Hey, Sue.”

“Hey!  Is school out yet?”

“Yeah.  Graduation was today.  Steve and Johnny both graduated.  We all went out to a steakhouse to celebrate.”

“Sounds fun.”

“Their parents didn’t show up, so Soda was cheering so loud the teachers probably wanted to kick him out.”

She laughed.  “I’ll bet Darry loved that.”

“He was slouching down in his seat and looking like he wanted to make Soda walk home.”

“I wish I could have seen it.  I’ve only been to Marcus’s graduation, and it was boring.”

“You’ll get to have your own next year.”

“You too.  I’ll bet Soda will be even louder at yours.”

Pony had to admit, she was probably right.  Soda would be yelling and making a scene, and Darry would be looking at him like he had earlier, smiling like Dad.  “Yeah, he will.  Him and the guys both.”

“Even Dally?”

He thought about it for a second.  “He didn’t come today.  Had to work.  Besides, that kind of stuff ain’t really his thing. I haven’t even seen him in a while.”  He didn’t want to tell her that he also had a feeling Dal had found himself a girl and that he might be holed up with her at his room in the bar, and that that was probably the reason he hadn’t seen him around much lately.  “So…your dad…he mentioned you coming to school out here.”

“I told him I was thinking about it.  I wanted to have a reason for coming down there next month with Marcus.  Other than seeing you guys again.”

“So…he’s going to let you come?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

He felt his heart flip over, and he couldn’t help his grin, looking around like somebody might be watching.  Thankfully the people on the street didn’t seem to have any interest in him, and of course the guys were nowhere around. 

“You’ll have to show me around.”

“Sure…yeah, I can do that.”  He cursed himself for sounding nervous about it, but he pushed on, trying to act like the idea of spending time with her again didn’t make his palms sweat.  “There ain’t much to see, but we’ve got a movie house and the drive in.  And the arcade at the bowling alley.  We can go see the college too…I don’t have a car, though.”

“That’s alright.  I don’t mind walking.  I’m sure they have buses all the way out there in Tulsa,” she teased.

“It ain’t the middle of nowhere or nothing,” he told her with a laugh.  “We’ve got buses and stuff.”  

“What else is there to do?”

“You can meet Darry and Soda.  The guys too…and Rita.  And we can go see Dally at the rodeo.  Or go to the drag races.”

“I’ll bet my daddy would love to hear about that.”

He laughed.  “Soda tell’s Alice’s parents that they’re going to the rodeo or a high school football game when he takes her to the races.” 

“Oh, did you ever find out if Susie has a boyfriend?”  She lowered her voice like she was there with him and Two-Bit might overhear.

“Yeah,” he told her with a little laugh, lowering his voice too.  “It’s another guy on the track team in her grade, but Two doesn’t know, so don’t mention it to him.”

“What’s his name?”

“Jimmy.”

“How’s she get away with having a secret boyfriend?”

“She probably tells Two-Bit she’s going out with her girlfriends.  That’s what Rita said.  She asked me what he was like, and I told her he was a nice guy.  He’s not a greaser or nothing…his family is pretty well off, but he’s okay.  So she covers for her.  Keeps Two-Bit distracted.”

“Keeps him distracted, huh?  How does she do that?”  There was something suggestive in her teasing and he felt his cheeks go bright red.

“I didn’t mean nothing like that,” he muttered, and she laughed aloud.  He couldn’t even be upset about her teasing him…not when he got to hear her laugh.

“You work today?” she asked, thankfully changing the subject.

“No.  Darry won’t let me work full time in the summer.  I might be able to pick up a couple more shifts, though.”

“Daddy doesn’t like me working too much either, even in the summer.  Says he wants me to enjoy my time off school.”

Pony knew Darry was the same.  Before, he would have been irritated about it, and sometimes he still was, especially when he thought about the extra money he could be earning.  Besides, he didn’t exactly have much to do without the guys around.  Still, it was nice, having someone care about stuff like him not working too much.  

They got off the phone pretty soon after, promising to write and try to call again before she came down with Marcus, and he headed back to the house with his books.   

It was about a month and a half before Sue and Marcus came down with James, and Pony spent most of it hanging out with Johnny and Two-Bit, or wandering around town with Dally.  One of the guys from the track team asked if he wanted to come over to his place for a party on a Saturday night, and Johnny tagged along.  Darry didn’t even get on him when he came home kind of late, and even though parties weren’t really his thing, it had been pretty fun.  

He went with Johnny to look at apartments, too, most of them close enough to Pony’s house that they could walk.  Steve found a place pretty quick once he started working full time, but Soda didn’t say anything about moving out just yet.  Pony wanted to ask, but the thought of his brother not living at home any more was harder to think about than he’d expected…not because he didn’t want to be alone with Darry.  He didn't mind that anymore.  But Soda was still the easiest to talk to…was still his best friend, and he’d miss him something awful if he didn’t live there anymore.  

Ponyboy filled his days with his friends and work and reading.  He bummed around town with Two-Bit when they were both off, catching rides with him when they worked at the same time.  He and Johnny went to the arcade, or he went along with Soda and Steve to the races.  Everything was so normal it was almost boring, and he was still so grateful for normal that even that felt exciting.

And then, one day in the middle of July, James walked into their house a week earlier than he was supposed to.

It was a Monday morning, and he didn’t know what he was going to do with himself all day.  Johnny and Two-Bit were working, Johnny trying to make as much money as he could to save up for a place.  Even Dally was working a lot more than usual…or spending more time with his new girl, but Pony had hung out with the track guys some more.  Most of them were pretty good guys, even if they weren’t members of the gang.  He was just deciding between going to the DX to see if Soda had time to take a break and hunting Two-Bit down, when their door flew open.

He jumped, staring to get up off the sofa, when it registered that it was James walking into their living room.  “Hey…I thought you were coming next week!” he cried, jumping to his feet.

James grinned, patting his shoulder.  “Thought I’d surprise you.  And I brought a friend.”  

And then Sue was standing in his living room, dressed in shorts and a t-shirt, her hair done in braids with colorful beads that clicked together as she moved.  

Pony had thought about showing her around their house before…he’d planned on cleaning real good and everything.  But even though their house wasn’t super dirty or nothing, there were dishes in the sink from breakfast that he hadn’t cleaned yet, and the TV was on too loud.  Their piano was probably dusty too, and the throw blanket was thrown haphazardly over the side of the sofa, most of it pooling on the floor.  He spotted a pair of Soda’s shoes in the middle of the floor too, and someone’s pocket knife along with a grease stained rag, and he felt his ears get kind of hot.

Sue looked around their living room, openly curious, until her eyes landed on him, and she gave him a smile that, at some point, had started making his heart skip a beat in his chest.  “Hey,” he muttered, too soft, and he was pretty sure he sounded like an idiot, but she didn’t stop smiling.

“Hey, Pony!” And then she stepped forward, throwing her arms around him, and he hugged her back, ignoring James’s soft snicker and his retreating footsteps.  

“I didn’t know you’d be here so soon.”

“James thought it would be fun to surprise you.”

“I was gonna…clean and stuff.”

She looked around again, shrugging.  “Looks fine to me.”  

He had to smile at the way she seemed so nonchalant…he wasn’t ashamed of his house or nothing.  They kept it pretty clean, and Darry and Soda worked real hard so that they could stay in the house their parents had bought a year or two after Darry had been born.  But he knew it wasn’t anything fancy, and he’d always been kind of embarrassed to have his classmates over if they were from well off families.  

Sue looked right at home though, wandering over to the piano where pictures of their parents and them as kids still sat.  Darry had put away a lot of their parents’ stuff after they’d died, but those had always stayed up.  

Pony closed their front door behind her, looking around.  “Where’s Marcus?”

“At the hotel.  He promised he’d call my dad when we got here.”  She stared down at the picture of him and the gang from the last Christmas his parents had been alive, the whole gang in front of the tree.  “Who’s who?” she asked, pointing, and he came over to stand beside her, too aware of how close his arm was to hers.  

“Here’s Darry.  Soda.  Steve.  Two-Bit.  Dally.  And you know me and Johnny.”

She grinned.  “Dally doesn’t seem like the Christmas card type.”

“He ain't…he’d do just about anything for my mom, though.”

“You look like Soda,” she murmured, turning to another photo, this one of him and Soda that Darry had taken at Pony’s sixteenth birthday, the both of them grinning at the camera.  In the background, Johnny had been shuffling a deck of cards, Dally trying to snatch them out of his hand.  Pony had barely thought about the picture until Darry had put it up the week after, the only picture in the house of him after he’d come back from New York.  “Especially without the blond hair.”  

He ran a hand through his hair, kind of self conscious.  “I was trying to keep people from recognizing me.”    

She still had though.  

He’d only gotten his hair cut once since Soda had taken him to get the blond cut out, and it was getting long again, curling up under his ears.  “You, uh…want me to show you around?” he asked, like their house was big enough to warrant a tour, but she nodded.

“Of course.  Then you and James can give me the tour of the town.”

“Sorry, kids.  I’ve got to look Dally up. Ponyboy, think you can get her back to her hotel in one piece?”

Judging from the look on James’s face as he chugged a bottle of Pepsi he must have grabbed from the fridge, he just wanted to give them time together, and Pony was torn between being embarrassed and feeling grateful.  “Yeah, no problem.  You sure?”

“Yeah…I’ll see you tomorrow, kid.  Later, Sue.”  

And then he was alone with her.  In his house.  But she didn’t seem to think anything of it, just calling out a goodbye to him as she wandered around their living room and looked around.  He hurried to turn the TV down, finally just shutting it off, then kicked Soda’s shoes out of the way when her back was turned, pocketing the knife and snatching up the rag.  He was just folding the throat blanket when she hesitated at another picture, this one of him and his brothers out at the lake.  He’d been about nine, Darry fifteen, and his big brother had a hand on his shoulder, and one on Soda’s.  Him and Soda looked real similar in that one, their hair fluffed up and ungreased, while Darry was just starting to look like their dad.  

“Okay, don’t tell me,” she ordered, pointing.  “Darry, Sodapop, you?”

He nodded, grinning.  “Yeah.  That’s an easy one.  Our dad used to take us fishing.  Hunting too, but I never wanted to kill anything.  Me and Soda would just goof off most of the time.”  Pony cleared his throat, sweeping arm and gesturing toward the room.  “So, this is the living room.”

“Living room.  Got it.  Do you play?” she asked, nodding her head at the piano.

“Barely.  Mom did.”  

She followed him through to the kitchen, taking that in too.  “Kitchen.”  He pointed.  “Darry’s room.  He told me I’d better not go in there again when I was about ten and he caught me snooping in his stuff.”

Sue laughed.  “Think that rule still stands?”

He grinned.  “Better not chance it.”  He’d been in Darry’s room plenty of times since, of course, but he sure wasn’t about to take a girl in there.  “That’s Soda’s room.  The bathroom.  Laundry.  And there’s my room.”

She had hesitated at the fridge, obviously taking in her dad and James’s number, both taped to the front, and then, underneath, the pictures he’d drawn for his brothers for their birthdays.  She knew he liked to draw…they’d talked about art some, and she’d asked if she could see his drawings, but she’d never seen anything he’d made before, and he found himself squirming a little.  “I uh…when I was in that boy’s home, I drew those.  For Darry and Soda.  I’d never missed their birthdays before and I wanted to give them something.  I gave them to Dally before I went to New York.”

“They’re amazing,” she whispered, a finger hovering over Darry’s smiling face, but she didn’t touch it.  “I’ll bet they loved them.”

He shrugged, self conscious.  “They liked them a lot…it wasn’t a real present but…”

“Yeah it was.”  She turned to him, her smile earnest.  “These are probably the best presents they’d ever got.”

Pony couldn’t help blushing at that.  He didn’t argue though.  They’d sure acted like they were.

“Can I see more of your drawings?”

He hesitated, then nodded, leading her into his bedroom, honoring the rule their mom had always set down and leaving the door open.  Just the thought of having her alone in his room made his heart race, but he tried to look like he had girls in his room all the time as he led her over to his desk, gesturing for her to sit in his chair as he sat on his unmade bed.  The sketchbook was on the bottom shelf of the desk…he hadn’t spent a lot of time drawing lately.  But now he sat it on the desk in front of her and opened it up to the first page.

The park.  A squirrel in the distance.  “It was the first thing I drew when I got to New York.”  

She nodded, taking it in, then turning to look at him as he hesitated before turning the page.

Li.  Li on the porch, with her cigarette and her eyes cast up at the sky.  

“My foster sister,” he told her softly.  “Lianne.  She was thirteen.”

This time she took a lot longer to look at the picture, taking in the smirk on Lianne’s face, and the way she held her cigarette, the smoke following her eyeline up to the top of the page.

Pony had told her a little of that story…just the basics, and she’d never asked more.  He’d tell her the whole thing one day…all the details.  He’d tell her about the nightmares and the therapy and seeing her after he’d been stabbed.  Now, though, he just closed his eyes for a second, remembering how she’d been the last time he’d seen her rather than a hand over her mouth, a knife flashing in the dim light cast from the bar and the moon overhead.  

It took a long time for him to turn the page, and when he did, he took her through the other drawings.  The library.  James’s living room.  Johnny at work.  And then…then they got past the games of hangman and tic tac toe him and Johnny had played on the bus, finally turning to the drawing he’d done of her.

Sue’s jaw dropped.  

“It…it was that day.  At church.  When you chased me out of there,” he muttered, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck and feeling dumb.  “I just…I know it’s not perfect.  I’d need to do it in paints or…something.  But you were wearing that pink dress and…I just…I thought you looked real nice.”  He felt like his whole face was on fire, but he managed to stammer the words out, dropping his eyes to his feet.

“I love it,” she told him in a near whisper, her eyes shining a little, and for the first time he thought seriously about leaning forward and kissing her.  But he didn’t even know if she felt that way and the thought of her turning him down was too embarrassing to even consider, so he just grinned, managing to relax a little.  

“I’m glad.”

“You could do art for money, you know?”

He chuckled at that.  “I don’t think Darry would be wild about the idea of me being an artist.”

“Well, I think you’d be great.”  She looked back down at the drawing of herself and he wanted to go on…to tell her that he’d have to mix paints to get the color of her dark skin, and that he’d have to use lighter colors to do the highlights to show how she seemed to glow sometimes, and that he’d have to use a tiny brush to get the texture of her hair just right, but that he wanted nothing more than to learn.    

He’d tell her those things too, years later.  But not just yet.  

“I’d love a drawing for my birthday,” she told him then, a little shy, and he reached out, carefully tearing the first picture he’d ever drawn of her out and handing it to her.  

“Happy birthday.”  

Chapter Text

There had been a time, not too long ago, that Sodapop had wondered if his brother would ever be okay again.  If Richard and living in that house hadn’t broken him beyond repair.  If his little brother was gone forever.  Hell, it had been a little less than a year ago.  He’d looked at the terrified, angry guy that lived in their house and had wondered if he’d ever become Ponyboy again.  In some ways, he thought, Ponyboy was never going to be the same.  That scar on his face would probably never completely go away, even if it did fade some, and he still hesitated a little before he put on a shirt with short sleeves.  He rarely let anyone see him without a shirt, although he was getting better.  

But just a few days ago the sight of Darry holding a belt had made him freeze up, his breath catching, eyes going distant as he’d taken an unconscious step back, then stopping, seeming to remember where he was, but not before Darry had dropped the belt onto the sofa, reaching out and clasping his shoulder.  

“Pony? ”  Darry hadn’t asked what was wrong…they’d both know.

He was sixteen now, and so nonchalant about Bob Sheldon, the guy who’d actually stabbed him, that it drove Darry insane.  But at the sight of his big brother, who’d never in a million years hurt him, holding a belt to put on, he’d seemed to shrink back into a little kid again, wide-eyed and terrified.

But then he’d nodded, taking a breath and laughing a little, making himself smile and apologize as though it was his fault.

Soda slept in his own bed now.  It had started slow, with him not wanting to wake Pony when he got home real late, especially if Pony had school the next morning.  Then one night when the two of them had been heading to bed, Darry long since asleep, Pony had turned to him with a grin.  

“You can sleep in your own bed, Soda.  I’m alright.”  

Soda had fought back every question…was he sure?  What if he had nightmares?  What if he woke up and didn’t remember that he was home and Soda wasn’t there for him?  But he’d just nodded, ruffling his hair.  

“Yeah, alright kiddo.”  He didn’t mind too much, to be honest.  Pony had always hogged the blankets.  But he’d never minded sharing the bed either…had never resented Pony for needing him close, and he even felt a little sad that his little brother didn’t seem to need him so much anymore.  Sure, he came over to the DX when he wasn’t working or out with the guys or his friends from the track team, but he was growing up.  They could all see it.  Hell, Steve seemed to actually like his little brother now, which was definitely a step up from barely tolerating him on a good day.  He’d grinned the Friday before when he saw the kid come into the garage behind the DX, rolling his eyes and leaning on the truck he was working on. 

“Ain’t you got nothing better to do?”

“Nah.  Figured you’d be bored with just Soda to keep you company.”  Then he’d leaned on the truck beside Steve.  “What are you doing?”

So Steve had showed him, walking him through what was wrong with the engine, and Pony had done his best to keep up, grinning when Soda had come over to throw an arm around him.  Even if he was different now, Soda loved that kid more than just about anyone.  Darry was real proud of him these days since he’d finished his junior year with all A’s despite being behind for a lot of his first semester, and had told Soda that he’d try to take off more for his track competitions.  Soda had agreed, especially since him and Pony had cheered for Darry’s at football games plenty of times.  It was Pony’s last year, and he’d be going for scholarships now.  It was hard to believe it…that his baby brother was only one year away from graduating high school.

Or that Two-Bit might actually graduate with him…or hell, that Two-Bit had actually gotten a job.

Darry had just stared at him when he’d told him the news, eyes narrow like this might be some kind of trick.  “He’s passing all his classes and he got a job,” he’d muttered to himself, disbelieving.  

“Yeah.  I think Pony’s a good influence.”

His big brother had gotten that proud smile on his face then, nodding.  “Yeah.  I think you’re right.”

Ponyboy’s summer vacation was half done, and Soda kind of felt bad that everybody but Pony was working so much, leaving him on his own a lot of the time.  Pony insisted he didn’t mind, but Soda knew there was only so much time the kid could spend on his own before he got bored.  Not to mention the fact that Steve had asked if he wanted to room together in that apartment he’d moved into.  

Sodapop had lots of reasons to hold off.  He still gave a big chunk of his paycheck to Darry every week so they could pay the bills, and he didn’t want to leave his brother in the lurch, especially since Pony would be going to college soon, and even if he went to the University of Tulsa, Soda had a feeling that Johnny would ask if he wanted to room together.  

But there was another reason.  What if those nightmares came back?  What if Pony needed him and Darry couldn’t help and Soda wasn’t there?

“What’s going on with the kid?” Steve asked, pulling him out of his thoughts.  

“What?  Nothing,” Soda told him, wiping a dirty rag over his face in vain, trying to get rid of the grease he knew was there.  “Why?” 

“You got that look on your face.”

“What look?”

“That look like you’re worrying about the kid.”

Soda snorted and threw the rag at Steve’s face, rolling his eyes when he caught it.  “I ain’t worried about him.  He’s fine.”

“He still goes to that doctor, right?”

“Just once a month since he started working.”

“He doing alright?”

“You just saw him two days ago.”

This time Steve rolled his eyes, and Soda gave in.  

“I’m just worried he’s spending too much time alone, you know?  With Johnny working more and even Two-Bit…”

“Never thought I’d see the day,” Steve muttered.

“I mean, he goes out with those guys from the track team sometimes but…he’s on his own most of the time if he ain’t at work.”  Soda tried to make up for it by hanging out with him on the weekends if he wasn’t with Alice, and once or twice, even if he was.  Pony had been pretty reluctant to come on what he’d called their date, but Alice had been happy to have him, and she’d gotten him to tell her about school and his job, artfully avoiding any mention of Bob Sheldon or how rough things had been when he’d first come back from New York.  

Soda kind of loved her for that.  She was real good with his brother, and she never minded having him come along places.  Hell, she’d even suggested it once or twice.  

“Darry still won’t let him work more?”

“He let him pick up one extra shift a week, so he usually gets 24 or 25 hours in a week.  Darry won’t take the extra money either.  Makes Pony keep it.”

Steve shook his head.  He’d just stared at Soda when he’d told him how Pony had handed over most of his paycheck to Darry right after getting paid the first time, looking almost impressed.  “Jesus…that kid’s something else,” he’d muttered before going back to his work.  

“He’s saving up for a car, ain’t he?”  Steve asked as Soda got down on his knees to get under the car up on the lift.  Oil changes weren’t exciting but they paid the bills, he supposed.  

“Yeah.  That’s what he said.”

“Dal can probably hook him up with a deal.  Nothing illegal,” he clarified when Soda gave him a look.  “I’ll look at it before he buys it…make sure it’s not a dud.”  

“Thanks, man.”

They worked together in silence for a little while, and right when Soda was about to suggest they take a break, wondering if Pony would show up to say hello, there were footsteps that stopped right beside him.  

“Hey there, soft drink.”  

Soda pushed himself out from under the car, grinning.  “Hey, James.  We thought you were coming next week.”

“Gotta keep the kid on his toes.” 

He chuckled, jumping to his feet, Steve right behind as they both shook his hand.  Soda looked around him, searching for Pony, but his little brother was nowhere to be found.  “You see Pony yet?  I thought you were bringing Marcus and Sue?”

“Yeah, I went to the house first.  Marcus crashed at the hotel.  I took Sue to see the kid…figured I’d give them some time alone.”

Steve snorted.  “You sure that’s a good idea?  Those two alone in a house together?”

“Jesus, Steve,” Soda muttered, giving him a look.

“What?  He ain’t even got that condom I gave him.”

Soda wiped a hand over his face.  “Yeah, I’m going to need you to stop giving my little brother condoms for his birthday.”

James laughed outright at that, and Steve did too.  But Soda couldn’t help feeling kind of strange at the thought of his little brother alone in the house with a girl.  He knew Pony wasn’t stupid…but Steve was right.  If that girl got in trouble…”

“I was just messing around, man.  That girl ain’t dumb, and neither is the kid.  I wouldn’t have left them alone if I’d thought they were going to jump into bed or something.  He’s gonna show her around the town.  Probably bring her here.  Then he’ll walk her back to her hotel.  He’s a good kid.”

“Yeah…I know.”  Soda nodded.  It was true.  Pony was smart…way smarter than him. He sure wouldn’t chance his future, or Sue’s.

Sure enough, a little while after James went off to find Dally, Pony showed up with Sue Williams, the two of them walking together into the garage.  Soda spotted them right off, and Steve stood up a second after, the two of them watching Pony approach.  And Soda didn’t know if Steve could tell, but he sure could.  Pony liked this girl.  He’d suspected, from the way he’d drawn her, and from the way he acted when she came up.  They wrote letters and talked on the phone when they could. So Soda had been pretty sure.  Soda had wondered sometimes at the fact that Pony didn’t seem to like any girls in his school much.  He’d figured that Pony would tell him if he liked a girl, or if he went on a date or something, but Pony never had…had never really mentioned any girls other than Sue.

As Pony stepped into the garage, he realized that he’d never seen his brother look at any girl the way he looked at Sue. 

And that Sue looked at him the same way.

Well, he thought, that answered that.  

“Hey, Soda.  This is Sue Williams.  Sue, my brother, Sodapop”

The girl grinned at him, holding out her hand and shaking his, not even looking to see if he’d gotten all the grease off.  She didn’t seem to mind being in a garage either, with a bag full of dirty rags in the corner and bottles of oil and engine parts everywhere.  “Hi.  It’s nice to finally meet you.”

“Hey, Sue.  It’s good to meet you too.”

“And Steve, right?” she asked, turning to his buddy.  Steve shot Pony a look before shaking her hand, trying to clean it off on a rag first but not having much luck.  

“Yeah.  How’d you know?”

“Pony told me all about you,” she told him with a little smile.

“What’d you tell her kid?” Steve asked, crossing his arms and trying to look serious.  Pony just laughed.

“Nothing that wasn’t true.”

Steve cracked, grinning and shaking his head, and Soda couldn’t help being glad that they got along now.  It sure made his life easier.

“You guys want something to drink?” Soda asked, and Pony nodded.

“Sure.  I can get it.”

“I got it.  Find her a clean crate, would you?” He asked, ruffling Pony’s hair as he passed and grinning when Pony shoved him away.  When he came back with the bottles and a couple of bags of chips, Pony had apparently gotten her the cleanest crate he could find, and him and Steve and Sue all sat in a semicircle, waiting for him to take the fourth one.  

Sue seemed perfectly at ease, thanking him for the drink and answering his questions about her dad and her trip down with James and Marcus.  She told them that Marcus had probably crashed since he couldn’t sleep on the bus, and he told her that Pony had had the same problem after coming back from New York.  “Poor kid was dead on his feet when we found him in the park.”  For a moment, he regretted his words, wondering what all Pony had told her about what had gone down when he’d come home, but she just nodded, and Pony didn’t look upset with him.  He just kept glancing over at Sue like she might disappear.  

The thing was, she would.  Her and Marcus were only in Tulsa for a week, and Soda had a feeling it was going to be hard for Pony to say goodbye.  He didn’t want to bring that up, though.  So they all just drank their sodas and ate the chips he’d brought out until they had to get back to work, and Ponyboy and Sue left.  Soda watched them go, leaning against the car Steve had been working on, arms crossed, while Steve kicked the crates back out of the way.

“Your kid brother just couldn’t pick a girl in this state, could he?”

Soda laughed.  “Guess not.  He picked a good one though.”  It was true.  Sue seemed like a real good girl, and he could tell why Pony liked her so much.  She was smart, just like him, and he knew she liked books and movies and stuff like Pony did.  But she was sweet too, and real pretty.  

“Yeah, I guess so.”  Steve crossed his arms too.  “She’s going to look at the college down here, ain’t she?”

“That’s what Pony said.  She might move down here for school.”

“There’s going to be people that don’t like it,” Steve warned him softly.

“Yeah…I know.”

“Ain’t nobody around here going to mess with him, though.  They know better.”  Steve said it like a threat, and Soda grinned at him, clasping his shoulder.

“Thanks, man.”

Darry didn’t get to officially meet Sue that day, but he did listen with open interest as Soda questioned Pony all about what they’d done that night when Pony got home.  Pony told them that he’d taken her to see Johnny at the grocery store where they worked, and to meet Rita at her store too.  Then he’d walked her back to her hotel and had come home.  

The next morning, Pony left home early to hang out with her since he had to work that afternoon, and after work, her and Marcus and James all came by for dinner.

She was just as charming and at ease with Darry as she had been with him and Steve, offering to help cook dinner and sitting next to Pony on the couch, and he could tell Darry liked her.  Soda joined them and Marcus, who’d apparently spent the day with James and Dally as they all seemed to be trying to give the kids time to hang out together.  “So what did you two do this morning?  Did you get to see all the sights,” Soda asked her, leaning back in Darry’s recliner.

Sue laughed.  “Yeah, we went to a movie and got lunch, and then we went to the library.”

“Well, Pony, you’ve showed her the DX and the movie house and the library…that’s about all there is around here.”

James snorted, pulling out a deck of cards that he started dealing out, and to Soda’s surprise, Sue scooted forward and nodded when he asked if she wanted to play.

“Tomorrow we’re going to see the University,” she told him.  “My daddy said I had to at least bring back a brochure to prove I actually went to the school.”

“They do campus tours,” Pony put in.  “We can see Langston University and University of Tulsa both.”  

“Yeah?  That sounds fun.”  Soda wanted to ask how Pony was doing…how serious things were with this girl and if he was going to be alright when she left, but there were a bunch of people around and then they were all eating dinner.  There was no way they could talk about it with everybody around.  So Soda just ate and listened to Marcus and James talk about New York and wondered if he’d ever get to see it.

Soon, Marcus and James headed out, Sue going with them back to the hotel, and for the first time that day, him and Pony were alone as they did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen, Darry heading to the living room to watch the news.  

“You having fun?” Soda asked, keeping his voice low.  

Pony glanced up at him from where he was scrubbing a spoon and lifted an eyebrow, his expression so similar to Two-Bit’s it was funny.  “Doing the dishes?  I mean…I wouldn't call it fun…”

Sodapop splashed him with the soapy dishwater and made him laugh as he wiped a hand over his bare arm to clean it off, the round scars on his skin faded but not completely gone.  He couldn't help being sad when he saw them, but he was proud too.  Proud that Pony wore short sleeves all the time now when he couldn't even roll his sleeves up at first.  Proud that after everything that had happened, he was still Soda’s little brother.  A good kid.  A smart kid.  

“I meant with Sue.”

“Oh.  Yeah.”  

He sighed when Pony just left it at that.  “So…you guys are going to those colleges tomorrow?”

“Yeah. We’re gonna do that tour.”

“Think she’ll come down here for school?”

Pony hesitated at that, looking suddenly solemn as he stared down at the water in the sink, and Soda stopped drying the plate he’d been holding, turning to watch him.  “I hope so,” he told Soda simply, voice soft and wistful, and Soda put an arm around his shoulders, squeezing him real quick.

“I’ll bet she will.  She sure seems to like you.”

“You think so?” Pony asked, looking up at him, hope in his eyes, and Soda couldn’t help smiling.  

“Yeah, kiddo, I know so.”  

The next evening, Pony came home just in time for dinner with a couple of brochures from the University, and Soda could tell Darry was glad to see him thinking about college.  He’d been real serious about making sure Pony got to go, and now it seemed like he was actually excited about it.  He told them all about the campus, and the tours him and Sue had gone on, talking more than he usually did at dinner, and Soda remembered when he’d first come home…how getting him to talk had been like pulling teeth.  How getting him to eat had been just about impossible.  And now he was sixteen and about to start his last year of high school, thinking about a girl he liked and about going to college as he scarfed his dinner down. 

“I got you one too…if you want it,” Pony told Darry kind of shyly, holding out a folded brochure he must have been carrying in his pocket for the University of Tulsa, and Darry took it with a grin.

“Thanks, kiddo.”  

Ponyboy never said anything about dating Sue officially, and he didn’t tell Soda or Darry too much about what they did all day when he wasn’t working, but Soda knew that he was taking her to the movies and to lunch, and to places around town.  On Friday after he got off work, they even came out with Soda and Alice to the drag races, Sue looking around like an excited kid at all the people and cars, and Ponyboy looking at her with a grin he couldn’t seem to contain.  Darry was out with Mary somewhere, and Steve and Evie were doing something, so it was just the four of them.  And Ponyboy might not have called it a date, but he bought her a soda from a guy selling them out of a cooler on the back of his truck and the two of them stood real close together the whole night.

Towards the end of the night, Alice nudged him, and he tore his eyes away from the race to look down at her, only to find her staring up at him wide-eyed, jerking her head slightly towards his brother and Sue.  He followed her gaze, blinking in surprise when he saw Sue resting her head on Pony’s shoulder, and instead of watching the race, he was smiling down at her, his expression softer than Soda had ever seen it.  

Alice gripped his hand, still wide-eyed, and he chuckled, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her close.  “She really likes him,” she whispered, sounding just as excited as he was to see his brother happy.

“Yeah.  Looks like it.”

“She has to come back here for school.  She has to!”

Soda glanced back over at them and nodded.  “Yeah…I really hope so.”  

The night before it was time for their friends to go home, they had them all over to the house again for dinner.  Marcus and Sus brought a pie they must have bought at a store that day, and James brought a case of beer, handing Pony one and laughing aloud when Darry snatched it from him, rolling his eyes.  Ponyboy laughed too, taking a long drink of the Pepsi he handed him instead.

Soda didn’t miss how he handed it to Sue right after, letting her have a drink too.

They all crowded into the living room since they didn’t have enough chairs.  Darry had made fried chicken, and the others had pitched in to make the sides. Rita made coleslaw while Pony and Soda made green beans and biscuits.  Johnny brought cans of baked beans from the grocery and even Steve brought a bag of chips.

Pony and Sue weren’t real obvious about sticking close together or nothing.  They sat a normal distance away from each other on the couch and he carried her plate into the kitchen when he was done, but he carried Rita’s too, half climbing over everybody crammed in their living room to get to the kitchen.  Sue made conversation with Rita, the two of them comparing their jobs and Sue telling her about life in New York where she’d apparently lived her whole life.  Still, Pony always kept pretty close to her, glancing over her every once in a while like he was checking to make sure she was okay, and she did the same, like checking he was still there.

Later, after dinner and after the dishes were piled in the sink, Marcus and Dally talking football with Darry and James chatting with Rita, Soda glimpsed the two of them out of the porch, talking real soft and serious with their faces close together, and he knew he shouldn’t be eavesdropping or watching them like this, but he couldn't help being curious.  Still, after a minute, he was going to leave them in peace, but right before he turned, she leaned forward, a hand pressed to Pony’s cheek as she kissed him.  

Pony didn’t seem surprised, instead wrapping an arm around her and resting his hand on her back, and for a moment, Soda wondered exactly what those two had gotten up to with all that free time together, then promptly turned away and left the kitchen before he got caught spying.  No way Pony would be willing to talk to him about any of this if he thought Soda was watching him.  

Soda knew that his brother would be pretty down when Sue and James and Marcus headed home.  He was always kind of sad when James left…Pony had told him once or twice that he wished James would just stay instead of going back to New York.  And Soda kind of wished he would too.  He was a good guy, and anyone that looked after his brother was okay in Soda’s books.  Still, it was a Sunday morning and Soda found his little brother still in bed at almost eleven, staring out the window the morning after they left. 

The night before, James had thrown an arm around his brother, ruffling his hair and telling him that he’d see him around.  Marcus had patted him on the back, grinning, before turning to the others, shaking their hands and telling them to take it easy.  And Sue had thrown her arm around him, her chin resting on his shoulder. 

“Call me when you get back?” he’d asked, voice soft, and she’d nodded, looking like she’d like nothing more than to stay.

“Yeah.  I will.”

Now, jumping onto the bed beside him, Soda shook him, grinning when Pony pulled the blankets up over his head.  “Come on, kiddo.  Let’s go do something.”

He couldn’t make Sue stay, and he couldn’t make her come back to Tulsa for school.  He couldn’t make it hurt any less that his little brother liked a girl that  lived halfway across the country.  But he could at least try and distract him.

Pony did cheer up some as the days of that summer passed.  He ran around the high school track almost every day, and worked at the store as much as he was allowed.  He helped Johnny apartment hunt and hung around the DX some, learning about the cars when their boss wasn’t around.  He went to the library and read books and bummed around town with Dally when he wasn’t with his girl…not that Soda thought he was officially seeing her in the first place.  

When Johnny finally saved up enough and found a place, Pony spent the whole weekend helping him move in and helping him move a sofa they found someone giving away on the sidewalk up three flights of stairs and into the living room.  He crashed there that night, calling Soda and Darry to let them know that he was alright.  When they got there the next morning to help, they found Pony asleep on a nest of blankets on the floor and Johnny asleep on the sofa.

Pony said it was only fair after New York.

He was on time for dinner most nights, although he still tended to get caught up reading or watching movies.  But Darry didn’t get irritated with him as often as he used to…just shook his head and told him he was going to buy him a watch one of these days, sounding more amused than anything.  Their house was pretty peaceful, which was nice.  The days of him playing middleman were long gone, and Pony and Darry got along just fine.  

The only time Pony even really came close to getting in trouble that summer wasn’t even his fault.  One of the guys on the track team, who Pony had been hanging out with on and off, had invited him to another party.  Ponyboy wasn’t big into parties from what he’d told Soda, but he asked Darry if he could go after work on a Friday night, and since it was summer and since Ponyboy was sixteen and pretty responsible these days, Darry agreed.

“Yeah, that’s fine.  Where is it?”

“Over by Tim Shephard’s side of town.  Dal mentioned stopping by so I might get a ride from him.”

Sodapop doubted Dal would actually go since their friend was spending most of his time either working or with that girl.  Still, Soda knew if it came to it, he could just pick Ponyboy up.

“Alright.  Call if it gets late and you need a ride though.  Be home by midnight.”  

Soda didn’t think much of it…not until midnight came and went, and it was nearly one in the morning.  The later it got, the quieter Darry got, and Soda watched his jaw go tight as he messed with the newspaper he was holding.  He wouldn't go to bed until Pony got home, Soda knew, so he didn’t bother trying to convince him.  Still, he turned the TV down, leaning in.

“Come on, Dar.  He’s been real good.  So he’s a little late.  He’ll be home soon.”

Darry just nodded, looking agitated, and Soda knew he was worried, probably thinking about Bob Sheldon and socs and car accidents and everything else that could go wrong…about that night that had started everything.

“The party probably went late.  He might have lost track of time.”  He was just hoping that Darry didn’t blow up at Pony when he did come home and reminding himself to buy his kid brother a watch for his next birthday when the phone rang.  Darry grabbed it before the first ring was even finished, pressing it hard to his ear, and Soda leaned in, feeling kind of anxious despite himself.  It wasn’t like Pony to be late for his curfew.  Not this late. Hell, the only time it had ever happened had been that night.

It wouldn’t happen again.  Soda wouldn’t let it.  Even if a fight made Pony run out of the house, Soda would chase him down.  He’d follow him clear across town if it meant keeping him safe.

“Hello?” Darry barked.  

There was a pause, and Darry clenched his jaw as he listened to the person on the other line that Soda hoped was their brother.  

“Pony?  You’re late.  Where are you?”  

If he was trying not to sound mad, he sure was doing a shitty job, Soda thought with a sigh.  

Another pause, and Soda watched Darry’s eyes widen, his jaw dropping, the irritation dropping from his voice, replaced by fear.  “What?  Why?  Are you okay?  What happened?”

Soda jumped up then, crowding in beside Darry to try and hear as he grabbed his arm  “What’s going on?  Where is he?”

Darry ignored him, shaking his head as he listened, his shoulders relaxing some.  “No, I’ll come get you.  Stay put, alright?”

He turned to Soda once he’d hung up.  “He’s at the hospital.  Some guy went after him at the party and a guy stepped in to help…got hurt pretty bad.  So Pony drove his girlfriend to the hospital or something.”  Darry shook his head, looking as confused as Soda felt.

“With what car?” Soda asked with a shaky grin, a rush of relief replacing the fear he’d felt at the word ‘hospital.’  

“Hell if I know.  You coming?”

“Yeah.”

They didn’t even have to go inside, as it turned out.  Pony came out of the double doors as soon as they parked like he’d been watching for them, hands in his pockets, the overhead lights revealing the beginnings of a black eye and busted lip.  When he pulled his hands out of his pockets as Darry jumped out of the truck, Soda right behind him, he saw that his knuckles were torn up too.

“You alright?” Darry asked first thing, dropping a hand onto his shoulder like he was making sure he was really there, and Pony nodded.  

“Yeah, I’m fine.  Sorry…I should have called you from the party.  He was hurt pretty bad though.”

“Who did that?” Soda demanded jerking his chin towards his black eye, but Ponyboy just shrugged.  

“I’ve never even seen the guy,” he told them, bewildered.

“Alright, let’s get you home,” Darry urged, putting an arm around him and leading him back to the truck.  Pony went quietly, climbing into the truck between them.  

“What happened?” Soda asked as Darry pulled out of the parking lot, gripping Pony’s chin and turning his face so he could see the black eye.  He let him, not complaining, but he got that smile on his face like Soda was being ridiculous.  

“He just came after me.”  He shrugged, finally brushing Soda off when he went to press a rag against his bleeding lip.  “Quit.  I’m fine.”  Then, continuing, “Angela Shephard was there.  Seemed pissed at me about something.  I don’t know what, though.  That guy came out of nowhere.  Grabbed a busted bottle and everything.”

Soda narrowed his eyes.  “You think she had something to do with it?”

“I don’t know.  Don’t, Soda.”

“Don’t what?”

“Go after the Shephards.  I don’t want you fighting with them over me.”

Soda punched him in the arm.  “Don’t go telling me what to do.  Somebody hurts my little brother, they ought to pay for it.”  But he got what Pony was saying.  His brother had gone through enough in the last year, and Tim Shephard was a dangerous enemy to have.  He couldn’t blame him for being sick of all the fighting, so he figured he’d wait to see what Darry said about it later.  “How’s you get a car to drive that girl to the hospital anyway?”

Pony gave him a sheepish smile, lowering his voice like he was trying to keep Darry from hearing.  “Hot wired one.”

He fought a grin.  “And how the hell did you know how to do that?” 

“Steve taught me.”

Darry huffed out a laugh beside him, finally relaxing a little.  “Don’t go making a habit of that, you hear?”  

“I won’t,” Pony assured him, grinning when Soda did.  

Soda asked whatever greasers dropped into the station the next week what they knew, eventually putting together the story so he could give it to Darry.  Angela Shephard had been trying to flirt with Pony who had either rejected her advances or, more likely, just hadn’t noticed.  So she’d gotten a guy to go after him.  Darry shook his head, rolling his eyes when he told him the story he’d managed to piece together.  

“I’ll talk to Tim.”  

“Pony don’t want a fight over this.”

“If Angela Shephard is sending people after our brother and Tim won’t put a stop to it, then there’s going to be a fight alright.”  

Soda got it.  Darry never had taken well to people threatening his family, especially not Pony, and especially not now, after everything.  He felt the same…that didn’t mean they had to tell Pony about it.  “Just tell him that Pony’s already got a girl.”

“Does he?” Darry asked, lifting an eyebrow.

He looked around like Pony might overhear, even though he was at work.  “Yeah.  He ain’t said much, but they sure were acting pretty cozy at the races.”

His brother smiled, looking his age for a minute.  Like he was just his big brother, the two of them talking about Pony and his first girlfriend.  “I’ll ask Tim to get Angela to lay off…move on to someone else.  Pony probably didn’t even notice she was interested.  Kid’s always got his head in the clouds.”  Now it was said with fondness, and Soda grinned too.

“Yeah, probably.”

They dropped the subject when Pony home from work, yawning as he sat down to eat dinner, and the three of them talked about work and avoided the subject of Angela Shephard.  She’d get married after not too much longer, and she wouldn’t cause any more trouble for Ponyboy, but he didn’t go to any more parties that summer.  Then again, parties had never really been Pony’s thing.

Soda didn’t care.  He was just grateful to have his little brother back.  They could figure out the rest as it came.

Thanks for reading!

Chapter Text

Darry leaned forward in his seat, grinning when Soda elbowed him, pointing at Ponyboy as though he hadn’t been watching their little brother this whole time.  He was third among the boys running around the track, arms pumping so hard they were a blur, and Soda screamed his name, cheering and shouting as he moved up to second place at the last turn.

Pony’s last year of high school had, so far, been a lot less eventful than the first two, although it was only October, so Darry guessed there was still time for things to go downhill. Still, no fights at school.  Close to a 4.0 GPA.  And he was always on time for dinner now, thanks to the watch Sodapop had gotten him.

Well, Two-Bit had gotten it, technically.

It had started a month or so ago, back in September, when he’d gotten caught up playing cards with Johnny at his place.  It had been Darry’s first fight with Pony in a while, the two of them snarking at each other for the rest of the night.  Looking back, it felt like such a stupid thing to have been so angry over.  It wasn’t like he’d even been that late. But Darry had had a shitty day at work and Pony had been chafing at him talking to him like he was a little kid…it hadn’t been either of their proudest moments.  

He’d gotten the story from Steve later.  Soda had told him and Two-Bit all about their fight at the DX the next day.  It hadn’t even been that bad of a fight, not compared to how things had been before.  Sure, they’d been avoiding each other since, but surely, he’d thought, Pony knew by now that he loved him even if he was irritated with him.  Still, Two-Bit had apparently seen how upset Soda was and had ‘acquired’ the watch.  Then he’d given it to Sodapop who’d walked into the living room the next evening after work.

“Where’s Pony?”

“In his room,” Darry had muttered.  Pony had barely said two words to him when he’d come home, shutting his bedroom door just hard enough to let Darry know that he was still mad.  He hadn’t bothered trying to talk to Pony either, and as far as Darry had been concerned, he’d been waiting on an apology from the kid.

Soda had shaken his head, eyes narrow, then he’d practically stormed into Ponyboy’s room, opening the door without knocking.  

“Soda…what…” Darry had heard Pony start to say, but Soda had cut him off.

“Come here,” he’d ordered, and Darry had put his paper down, watching in open confusion as Soda had dragged their brother into the room by his arm, coming to a stop in front of the sofa and giving Ponyboy a push so he’d sit down.  Pony had, giving Darry a bewildered look.  Darry had just shrugged, too confused to remember he was mad at him.  

“We ain’t doing this shit again, you hear me?” Sodapop had asked, looking between the two of them, and Darry had realized that he looked scared, eyes wide with it, hands shaking a little, and he’d remembered how Soda had seemed to flinch with every word him and Pony had snapped at one another.  Ponyboy had noticed too, sharing another look with Darry, this one worried.  Darry hadn’t really thought about how their fighting had affected Sodapop, but suddenly it had become real clear.

Then Soda had turned to their little brother, serious as he’d ever been.  “Here.”  He’d yanked the watch out of his pocket, taking Pony’s arm and fastening it around his wrist.  “You have got to be on time for dinner, okay?  Or if you can’t be, you have to call us.  I know you can take handle yourself pretty well and I know you ain’t stupid or nothing.  But we still worry about you, you dig?  We need to know where you are.  It ain’t like we’re asking a lot.  Be on time for dinner when you aren’t working.  Call us if you’re going to be late.  Okay?  I mean it, Pone.”

Pony had nodded, shamefaced, and Soda reached out, squeezing his shoulder.  There wasn’t much Ponyboy hated more than upsetting Sodapop.  “Yeah…I dig.  Sorry.”

Then Sodapop had turned around to face Darry.  “And you.  Ease up, okay?  It ain’t worth it.  After all the shit we went through…”  Soda had shaken his head, still holding onto Pony’s shoulder almost desperately, like their kid brother was going to run out the door like he had that night...like it could all start again.  “We’re all we’ve got, Dar.  We finally….we’re finally okay.  You know?  Just…”  

Soda’s eyes had been bright as his voice had finally broken, and Darry had nodded, jumping up and putting an arm around his shoulders.  “Yeah…I know, kiddo.”  He’d reached down for Pony then, tugging him up and pulling him into the hug too.  Ponyboy had grinned, almost laughing as Darry had ruffled his hair, and Soda had let out a breath, holding them both tight.  

That night, a door opening and closing had woken Darry, and even though it had been a long time since Pony had had nightmares, something inside him had told him to get up and check on him.  So he had, peeking into Pony’s bedroom, not surprised to find it empty.  He’d gone to the porch then, finding Ponyboy sitting on the back steps, his head in his hands, shoulders shaking.  Darry had sat down beside him without hesitating, putting his arm around him and pulling him close. For a moment, it had been like he’d been fourteen again, hiding his face in Darry’s shoulder and gripping his shirt.

Pony never screamed in his sleep.  Not anymore.  Richard had apparently broken him of that for good, and Darry thought he could kill that man for it.  

“Do you remember it?”

Pony had nodded, taking a shuddering breath and obviously trying to calm down.  Darry had just rubbed his back, remembering how he’d been when he’d first gotten back from New York…how he’d been unable to meet their eyes.  How his hands had shook when he’d tried.  And he’d felt stupid all over, getting so mad over Pony being late for dinner.  

His brother had tried to laugh after a moment, the sound coming out shaky.  “You’d think I’d stop dreaming about him after all this time.”

Darry had just run a hand over his back, keeping him close.  Letting him talk.  He’d learned it was the best thing he could do for him…the best way he could help.  It had been a hard lesson to learn, but once Darry learned a lesson, it stuck.  

“He’s in prison.  I haven’t seen him in more than two years.  But it’s like…like I’m back in that house and he’s beating on Rita’s door.”  He’d taken a deep breath, wiping the back of his hand over his face, the watch glinting in the moonlight.  “I’m sorry I was late.”

“I know, kiddo.  It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry about what I said.”

“Hey,” Darry had murmured, squeezing him close for a second.  “It’s okay, Pone.”  He’d hesitated.  “I’m sorry too.  I shouldn’t have gotten so mad.  Not about something like that.  I had a bad day and I…I overreacted,” he’d admitted.  

Beside him, Pony had smiled at him, tentative.  “You?  Overreacting?”

He’d snorted, giving Ponyboy a shove and making him laugh aloud.  Darry had put his arm back around him then, and for a moment, they’d been quiet.  Then Pony had held his arm up, the face of the watch glinting in the moonlight.

“Who do you think Two-Bit stole this from?”

“I’m trying not to think about it.  Just check it every once in a while, would you?  For my sake?”  He’d hesitated.  “I couldn’t stand it if something happened to you, Pony.”

Pony had given a shaky nod.  “I know…I will.”

And he had.  

Now Darry watched Pony pull ahead, cheering with Soda and Two-Bit when he crossed the finish line a full three seconds before the others.  It was the first big meet of the season at a school that had thankfully been close enough that Darry and Soda had been able to drive over after work, Two-Bit and Alice coming to cheer him on too…and boy was Alice cheering, her and Soda whistling and clapping, and Darry had to grin.  He knew Sodapop liked her real well, and it didn’t hurt at all that she was awful fond of Pony.  

Afterwards, Soda pulled him into his arms, spinning him around and laughing and congratulating him.  Pony laughed, trying to squirm out of his arms as Darry came up next, squeezing him tight and patting him on the back.  “Good job, kiddo.”

“It’s just the first meet, Darry.  There’ll be lots more.”  He shrugged, uncomfortable as ever with being the center of attention.  “You all didn’t have to come.”

“Of course we did!  We weren’t going to miss seeing you win!” Alice cried, reaching out and grabbing his shoulder, making his ears turn bright red.  

“She’s right, kid,” Two-Bit put in, handing him a half full bottle of Pepsi that Pony drained.  “She’s always right, because she’s a smart lady.”

Alice grinned indulgently at him and Soda rolled his eyes.  “Will you quit?  Flirt with your own girl.”

“She ain’t here.”

“Where is Rita?” Alice wondered with a laugh..  

Darry tuned them out then, ruffling Pony’s hair and gesturing towards the empty bottle in his hand.  “You want another one?”

His brother nodded, the two of them heading toward the concession stand.  Along the way, lots of guys congratulated Pony, even a few guys from the other school, and Ponyboy always grinned, ducking his head and thanking them and looking embarrassed.  A few girls were looking at him too, but Pony didn’t seem to notice them much, just walked beside Darry, sticking close, thanking them when they congratulated him too.  

“You did good, Pone,” he told him as they waited in line.

“Thanks.”

“Soon there’s going to be college scouts at these things.”  

“Yeah.  Coach said they usually waited until the middle of the season to start showing up.”

Darry handed over the money to the guy at the concession stand and handed Pony the bottle of Pepsi, taking one for himself.  “How’s Sue?” he wondered, watching a red headed girl try and fail to get his brother’s attention by walking by for a second time, him and Pony drinking their sodas off to the side of the building.  Plenty of people were milling about, and he had to raise his voice a little for Pony to hear him.

“Oh…she’s good.”  Pony narrowed his eyes, puzzled at the abrupt change in topic.  “Why?”

He chuckled as the girl gave up, giving Pony one last look over her shoulder as she ambled back to her group of friends.  “Just wondering.”  

Ponyboy followed his gaze, looking around like he was missing something, then gave Darry a suspicious look that he ignored.  

“You send off your application?”

Pony nodded.  “Yeah.  Soda drove me over to the post office Saturday so we could drop it in the mailbox there before we went to the game.”

It hadn’t been the first time Ponyboy had gone along with Soda and Alice to a game or a race.  Sometimes Johnny would come too, and the four of them would hang out.  Alice never seemed to mind…she liked Pony a lot, and when Sue had first gone back to New York along with James and Marcus, Soda had told Darry that she’d asked him to bring Pony along a couple of times when they went out, hoping to cheer him up.  And Darry was glad she cared about him…glad that Sodapop had found a nice girl.

It was why things hadn’t worked out with Mary.  

He’d liked her real well, and she’d seemed to like him.  Soda and Pony too.  But then, when she’d asked him a few days ago to take a trip with her for a week…there had just been no way.  “I can’t.  My boss ain’t going to give me a whole week off.”

“He did last year,” she’d pointed out, and his blood had frozen in his veins at the reminder.  

“I didn’t take a week off work to take a vacation, Mary.  I took it because I thought my little brother was going to die,” he’d half whispered, like if he said it too loud, he’d be back in that hospital room again, watching his baby brother cling to life.  When she’d just looked at him, still on the verge of irritated, he’d gone on.  “Besides, I don’t want  to leave Pony on his own for that long.  And he’s got his first track meet of the season.”

“He’s sixteen , Darry.  He’s not a little kid.  I’m sure he’d be fine for a few days.”  

It’s not that she’d been wrong.  He was sure that Pony would have been fine, especially with Sodapop there, and the guys keeping an eye out for him.  No…it hadn’t been her words.  It had been her tone.  The way she’d rolled her eyes, looking put out.  And then she’d kept talking.

“You act like he’s your kid or something.  Like he’s got to come first all the time.  What, is he going to throw a fit if you can’t make it to one race?  Can’t he go a couple of days without you?”

She’d hinted at feelings like this a few times over the last couple of months.  Comments thrown away when Pony had needed him for something, or when he’d insisted on getting home before midnight…when he’d said no to staying the night at her place.  But it all got real clear just then.  Because of course Pony wouldn’t throw a fit.  Hell, he’d be upset if Darry didn’t do something because of him, and, Darry had thought, Pony would probably also be upset when he found out that this was the reason he broke up with his girlfriend.  Darry was just grateful that she’d never said any of that shit in front of Pony.  Or Soda for that matter.  But he sure didn’t want anything serious with a girl that didn’t understand how important his family was.  

“He’s not my kid,” Darry had told her coldly.  “He’s my brother.  I’m his legal guardian.  So yeah, he comes first.  Him and Soda both.  They have ever since that police officer knocked on our door and told me about our parents and said him and Soda would have to go to a boy’s home if I didn’t take care of them.  And I wouldn’t give that up for nothing.”

That night when he’d dropped her off at home had been the last time he’d seen her, and she hadn’t tried to call since. 

But he didn’t want to think about Mary…not now, on the night when Pony had won his race and was unconsciously turning away girls left and right.  Darry almost laughed out loud when one girl whispered to her friend, both of their eyes on Pony, blushing brightly when he gave them a hesitant smile like he was trying to remember if he knew them.  It made sense.  Him and Soda both were good looking, and Pony looked more like Sodapop than ever.  He was different though…shy and quiet, while Soda seemed to soak up the attention he got from girls.

Pony seemed content talking to Sue on the phone every week and writing her letters.  

Darry didn’t ask about that either.  Not that night.  He just followed his brother back to the others, giving him a ride home in the truck while Soda and Alice headed out to dinner.

Pony kept winning his races.  Kept getting A’s and a few B’s, and Darry did his level best not to tell him he needed to bring those up…that he could get straight A’s if he just worked hard.  Pony was working hard.  He was doing good at his job and winning his races and getting good grades, and he was always on time for dinner and never missed his curfew.  So Darry just patted him on the back when he brought him his tests, hating that he looked nervous.  

“Good job, Pone.  Let me know if you need any help.”

He did.  Sometimes Darry helped him with math or chemistry.  A few times, Darry had to rub his eyes and do a double take when he found Pony sitting at the table with Two-Bit, the two of them working on assignments.  He was less surprised when he caught Two-Bit copying Pony’s math homework.  But as long as their friend finally graduated, he guessed it didn’t matter.

Ponyboy turned seventeen.  One more year, Darry thought the morning of his brother’s birthday.  A Friday.  A Friday where he had to work and Pony had school and then work after, so they’d barely see each other, but that didn’t matter because they’d have a party the next day.  One more year before he turned eighteen and was an adult and they didn’t have to worry about anyone taking him away ever again.  

He stepped out of his bedroom and found Pony standing at the stove, frying bacon for Darry’s breakfast, and he wondered if this was how their parents had felt…this overwhelming pride and fear mingled together.  Pony had gone through something so horrible that he’d worried his little brother would be broken forever, but now he was doing so good and working and getting good grades and when he made breakfast, he always made Darry and Soda’s first.  And that was such a silly thing to be proud of him for, but Darry went over and put an arm around him, closing his eyes as he hugged him hard and remembered how he’d been when he’d first come back from New York, and remembering how far he’d come since.

“Happy birthday, kiddo,” he murmured, and Pony grinned up at him, reminding him of Soda and their parents but also just himself.  Serious and quiet and funny.  More easy going than he’d been a few years ago but still prone to freezing up at the strangest moments, mind going back to the things that had been done to him. Just a few days ago, they’d had pasta for dinner, and when Pony had been scraping his plate into the trash, he’d frozen, staring down at it until Darry had approached, careful not to startle him.  

“Pone?”

“I used to dig old food out of the trash when I got real hungry…when they hadn’t given us anything in a couple of days.” Pony had told him, soft and detached, eyes far away.  “We weren’t allowed to get food out of the kitchen.  She’d tell Richard if she caught us.  Once I waited until they went to bed and ate burnt pasta out of the kitchen trash can.”  Pony had shuddered and Darry had taken the plate before he could drop it, putting a hand on his shoulder, and then his brother had looked up at him, so sad and bewildered he couldn’t stand it.  “Why would they do that?  Why wouldn’t they let us eat?  They got money for taking care of us…”  His voice had cracked and Darry had wrapped his arms around him, holding him close and ready to protect him from the monsters and the memories, only it was too late.  It had already happened.

And he’d been so mad…so furious he could hardly stand it.  Because Pony was right.  They’d gotten money from the state to take care of his kid brother and they hadn’t even let him eat.  Darry hadn’t answered straight away because he was sure that if he’d opened his mouth, he’d only be able to say how much he hated those people.  How he’d kill Richard Norton if he ever saw that man in person.  

He’d fucking kill him with his bare hands.

Instead, he’d smoothed his hair back, holding Pony until he’d started to pull away, shaking his head a little like he could shake off those memories.  “I don’t know, honey,” he’d whispered, shaking his head.  Because he didn’t.  He didn’t know what had made those people so evil they’d beat his little brother and refuse to let him eat in their home anymore than he’d ever known what had made Johnny’s parents the way they were, or Dal’s.  But nothing like that was ever supposed to touch his brother.

Pony had nodded, trying for a smile that looked normal as he’d run a hand over his eyes, casual like he didn’t want Darry to know he’d been crying, and Darry had marveled at the fact that his brother had been able to talk about it like that.   

Now he handed Darry his breakfast sandwich and got started on Soda’s eggs, stirring them around the pan while Darry grabbed the grape jelly.  Sodapop woke soon after, wishing Pony a happy birthday, the three of them eating breakfast in a sleepy silence.  And Darry was grateful.  He was grateful that his little brothers were both home and safe, and that they could all go weeks now without fighting, and even when they did, it was never too bad.  He was grateful that Pony had gotten a job and insisted on giving him most of the money he earned, because as much as he hated the fact that his brothers had both started working so young to help with bills, he also knew that that extra money gave them some breathing room.  And he was grateful that his brother was going to go to college and do study something he actually liked…and that he might get to do the same someday soon.

When he’d gotten custody of his brothers, something he hadn’t hesitated for a second to do, Darry had worried a lot about Pony, especially when he’d started to withdraw from everyone, spending more and more time alone.  He’d worried that his little brother would never be able to move on from the death of their parents.  He’d worried about bills and keeping the house and Soda dropping out of school and deep in his heart, so deep he’d never even admit it to himself, sometimes he’d resented all of it.  Pony for being so ungrateful and for fighting with him all the time.  Soda for being so easygoing, seemingly unaffected by their troubles.  The guys for coming around and eating their food and blasting the radio and never giving him a moment of peace.  Even his parents for dying.

But it felt like he didn’t have to worry so much anymore.  They had just a little bit more than enough to get by.  Sodapop was seeing a girl he really liked.  Johnny and Steve both had gotten their own place and didn’t have to worry about their parents beating on them anymore.  Two-Bit had a job and was actually going to graduate from high school. 

And Pony was finally, finally okay.

He hung out with the guys on his track team, although he didn’t go to any more parties with them, and he talked to Sue on the phone or wrote her letters.  He worked as much as he was allowed, saving up for college now, and spent time with Johnny and Two-Bit, and Dally too, once him and his girl broke it off again.  He came home on time and when he did fight with Darry, it always blew over fast.  Soda stopped looking so scared every time they had an argument, and even confided in Darry that Steve had asked if he wanted to move in…share that apartment.  And he’d been thinking about it.

“I know we’re doing better…I mean…I won’t if you need my help with the money.  I just…Pony might move in with Johnny after college and…”  He’d shrugged, rubbing a hand over the back of his head.  “You and Pony…you guys would be okay without me.”

“We wouldn’t be okay without you, Pepsi Cola,”  Darry had murmured, gripping his shoulder and smiling.  “But we’d be okay if you wanted to move out.”

“I ain’t going to anytime soon.  I just mean…maybe in a couple of years.”

Darry got it.  He wanted his brothers to have their own lives.  To move out and spend time with their girls and friends, and he wanted to do the same.  He knew he wanted to keep their parents’ house, but he didn’t know if he’d be able to on his own, even with Pony helping.  But he’d do his best to make it work.  If he couldn’t, he’d sell it and they’d split the money and they would still be okay.  

He had his family and that was all that mattered.

Chapter Text

It took Pony a little more than a year of working and saving just about every penny he made or got for holidays, but Johnny had been right about Dal finding him a deal, and halfway through his senior year after getting a little money for his seventeenth birthday, he finally managed to save up enough to get himself a car.  It was an old, black four door Ford and not the cherry red mustang he and Soda had agreed on wanting from that magazine in the doctor’s office, but it would take him too and from work, and Steve had even gone with him to look at it before he’d bought it to make sure it didn’t have any serious issues.  He also figured that Steve would be willing to give him a discount if it ever needed work.  The thought made him smile as he drove his new car home, parking it behind Darry’s truck.  

The one who pretended not to like him wasn’t even pretending all that much these days.

He closed his eyes that day as he sat  his new car out in front of his house , trying to feel Lianne’s presence with him.  She’d said that she watched him sometimes.  It was a thought that came to him while he was working, or doing homework, or even talking to Sue on the phone some days.  

“What do you think, Li?” he whispered, feeling kind of silly.  But still…he wished he could know what she thought about all this.  He never told anyone that he did it…he was pretty sure they’d think he was crazy.  But he didn’t care.  He’d seen her, out behind that bar, the two of them laying in the field while Darry and Soda had begged him not to die.  He wondered about Mark and Tyler sometimes too, if she’d been right about them being in California.  There were even times when he thought about going to try and find them the summer before college…maybe taking Johnny.  But he always dismissed that idea pretty quick.  He didn’t want to go find them.  Not really.  They hadn’t been family.

He had thought about going to New York though, even if that wasn’t something he was itching to bring up with his brothers just yet.

At first, he only drove his car to school on the days when he had to work to save gas.  Johnny would borrow his car sometimes too, and Pony would hang out at the apartment he’d helped him move into after work before driving home.  Other days, he’d walk or catch a ride with Two-Bit to school, then walk home if he couldn't get a ride.  He didn’t mind.  He carried a blade, and the socs continued to keep their distance for the most part.  Pony didn’t know if that was because Bob had said something before he graduated, or if the socs just had better things to do. 

Soda borrowed his car sometimes too, taking Alice out on nights when Pony didn’t have plans, and for the first time in his life, it was like he was actually helping his family.  He gave Darry money every week and had a car for Soda to borrow.  He got along with his brothers and Darry even seemed to like having him around.   He’d even sat him down after Sue had left, gripping that brochure Pony had given him in his hands.  

“You know, if you wanted to go to college somewhere else, we’d figure it out.”  He’d looked scared while he’d said it though, just under the surface of the smile he’d been trying for.  

“What, you want to get rid of me?” Pony had asked with a laugh, but Darry had shaken his head, serious.

“Never.  Hell, Pone, I’d love for you to stay close.  But I don’t want you making that choice because of me.  Or because of Soda…or a girl.”  He’d been real careful about that last part, but Pony had just grinned.

“I ain’t.  It’s a good school, and I’ve got a good chance of getting a scholarship.  Plus I can save money living here as long as you don’t start charging me rent.”  

Darry had laughed, rolling his eyes.

“I…I was away for a long time, you know?  I don’t want to do that again just yet.”

His brother had put a hand on his hair, leaning in close.  “It won’t ever be like that again, Pony, even if you do go somewhere else for college.  You can always call us or visit, and we can come see you, no matter where you are.”  The rest, that Richard would never get near him again, had gone unspoken, but Pony had still felt his throat close up a little at the memory.  

“I know,” he’d murmured.  “I still want to stay here, though.”

And Darry had looked relieved.  “Good.  Because I don’t want you going anywhere.  But if you change your mind, we’ll make it work.”

He still talked to Sue every week or so, and they kept writing letters.  They talked about everything, never seeming to run out of subjects, sometimes discussing books they’d read or movies they’d both seen, or talking about school or their families.  She told him about a fight she’d had with her dad where they’d avoided each other for three days until they’d finally patched things up.  And not too long after he got his new car, he guiltily told her about Darry breaking it off with his girl. 

It had been back around his Christmas break that he’d first noticed his brother’s bad mood.  Darry had been quiet and irritable for a couple of days after his first track meet, grumbling under his breath while he paid bills at the kitchen table or made breakfast and staying home most nights.  Pony had waited a few days until hesitantly asking him if everything was alright, mind immediately going to Richard.  What if he’d gotten out of prison?  Darry had been mad when they’d let Bob go…of course he’d be mad if Richard got out too.  But surely, he’d thought, his brothers would tell him if that happened. 

But Darry had just glanced up from the newspaper he’d been glaring at, face softening when he’d seen Pony standing there.  “Everything’s fine,” he’d assured him.

A few days later, Pony had gone to Sodapop who had told him that Darry had broken things off with Mary, and when Pony had asked why, his brother had been kind of reluctant to tell him.  Pony had frowned, the two of them in his bedroom, putting his pencil down and giving up on his math homework for a minute.  “Was it because of me?” Pony had asked, his voice coming out too small.  It was the only reason he could think of that Soda wouldn’t want to tell him. 

His brother had hurried to shake his head.  “No.  Of course not.”

“Then what happened?”

“It was a lot of stuff, Pone.”  He’d tried to wave it off, then sighed when Pony had just stared at him.  “She wanted him to come on a trip with her for a week.  He said he couldn’t afford it, and anyway, he didn’t want to leave you alone for that long

“You’d have been here,” Pony had reminded him.

“I know.  But I guess he thought a week would be too long.  And she said something about him always putting his brothers above everything else and that made him mad, so they had a big fight and he broke it off with her.”

“So it was because of me.”

“No, it was because of her,” Soda had insisted, kicking him from where he’d been sitting on Pony’s bed, a glass of chocolate milk leaving a mustache on his upper lip.

Still, Pony had felt bad, even when Sue had told him on the phone that she agreed with Sodapop.  “It was because of her.  Your brother loves you and Soda more than anything, right?”

“Yeah, but I don’t want to be the reason he breaks up with his girlfriend.”

“It sounds like he broke up with her because she didn’t care about what was important to him.”

If he thought about it, Pony guessed that was true.  Sue was like Soda in a lot of ways…he could talk to her about just about anything, and she listened and seemed to get things.  She liked his brothers too, always asking about them and laughing at his stories of them.  More and more, he was hoping she could move to Tulsa for school, and he knew his brothers were nervous about him getting his hopes up.  Still, they didn’t actively discourage him or anything.  Just kept a close eye on him and asked about her from time to time.

Other than his worries about Darry not being able to have his own life because of him, and his worries that Sue would change her mind about college and stay in New York, things were going well.  He liked his job fine.  He was doing good in track and was halfway through his senior year.  Darry and Soda had even come to some of his meets to cheer him on.  College was getting closer and closer, and he was almost done with his application.  He was applying for scholarships too, and was hoping with his grades, he’d manage to get at least a few.  

Soda had started sleeping in his own room not too long ago, and Pony found that he didn’t have too many nightmares anymore.  Sure, he’d dream about Richard a little, but usually not unless something happened, like an argument with Darry or the night before a big test.  Nothing huge…but any stress seemed to trigger them.  Still, he didn’t wake his brothers up with his screaming anymore, and for the most part, his nightmares weren’t too bad. 

Until he had one that was.  

It was a cold Sunday in March when he woke with a gasp, tears cold on his cheeks.  He wiped his face, taking a deep, shuddering breath as he tried to breathe normally again and calm his racing heart.  Usually when he dreamed about Richard these days, he knew right off that it was a dream as soon as he woke up.  This time, though, he had to stare at the ceiling for a long time before he felt his heart stop pounding in his chest, his brain finally catching up that he was in his own bed…that he wasn’t out behind that bar.   

It had been Richard…his nightmares were almost always Richard, but they weren’t usually about that day.

Pony practically jumped out of bed, shuddering and feeling like he wanted to climb into the shower and scrub his skin until he forgot all about that day and all about Richard, but instead, he went into the kitchen, pausing when he saw Soda, and the plan hit him like a flash.  

He’d felt better when he’d talked to Soda about what had happened in that house…Darry too.  And when he’d seen Lianne and talked to her.  Maybe, he thought as he approached his brother who was tiredly eating a piece of toast, he could talk about this too.

“Are you busy today?” Pony asked him, sitting down at the table without grabbing any of the food on the stove.  Soda looked up at him, jumping a little.  

“Hey, Pone…I didn’t hear you come in.”  He grinned, wiping a hand over his face, then paused, concern replacing the smile.  “Uh….no…no plans, unless Steve wanted to do something.”  He looked at him closer then.  “You okay?”

“Yeah…nightmares.”

He leaned forward, softening.  “What about?”

The words came out then, a plan forming before he could think it through, his resolve forming a tight ball in his stomach.  “Will you go somewhere with me?” he asked instead of answering his question.

Soda blinked at him, then nodded slowly.  “Yeah…sure Pone.  You want Darry to come too?”

He kind of did…but Darry had worked all day the day before, and he knew he must be exhausted.  Sunday was usually his only day off.  “Nah…we’ll let him sleep.”

“Alright.  Eat something.  I’m going to get dressed.”

Pony forced himself to eat some toast, then pulled on a pair of jeans and a sweater, meeting Soda back in the kitchen.  His brother wrote a note for Darry, letting him know that they’d be back late, then headed out to Pony’s car, the two of them quiet as they climbed inside, Pony behind the wheel.

He remembered the way even though it had been a long time since he’d made the trip, and he’d never made it from his house.  They’d taken him from his house to the boy’s home where he’d stayed for what had felt like years.  

Those first few days, he’d been sure his brothers would pick him up soon.  He’d known for a fact that Darry would never let this happen if he could stop it…but as the days had passed and he’d gotten no word on how long he’d have to stay or what was going on with his family, he’d remembered their fights and how much Darry had given up to keep him, and he’d felt himself losing hope.

Soda turned the radio up loud, trying to act like this was normal, chattering about Alice and asking him questions about Sue and school, but he got quiet as they drove out of town, leaning forward to turn the radio down as they approached the roads that Pony knew by heart.  

“Kiddo?” he finally started to ask, looking around almost nervously.  They’d been in the car for over an hour and Pony knew he’d been this way before, back when Dally had brought him and Steve without telling Darry what they were doing.  So of course he’d recognize it.

“Yeah?” he asked, not looking at him.

He could feel his brother’s gaze for a long moment, but in the end he just shook his head.  “Nothing.”  He didn’t ask any questions, even as Ponyboy made himself turn onto the road he’d first seen when the social worker had picked him up from the boy’s home, easing to a stop on the side of the road across from the house and turning in his seat to stare at it.  

It felt like all the air went out of the car then…like he couldn’t quite breathe right, and beside him, Soda seemed to be holding his breath too. 

When he’d first seen this house, he hadn’t paid attention to the details…hadn’t cared much that there were flowers lining the sidewalk leaning to the front porch.  He hadn’t known that Richard’s wife cared more about those flowers than she did any of their foster kids.  He hadn’t known that the breakfast he’d had at the foster home would be the last good meal he’d eat for a long time, or that, before too long, just the sight of this place would make him want to throw up.  

There were so many days he’d thought about running.  About sneaking on a bus or even hitching a ride back to his own town…about stepping into the DX and throwing his arms around Sodapop and telling him everything.  Or about hiding in his own house and waiting for Darry to get home and telling him everything.  Because Darry would have done something, he’d known…he’d tried to believe.  Darry would have moved heaven and earth to put a stop to it, even if it meant stooping to asking Tim Shephard to take care of Richard himself.  

But he’d stopped himself every time.  Because if the social worker had caught him going home, his brothers might never have gotten him back.  Besides, he’d thought, who would have protected Rita and Lianne?  So he’d put up with it.  He’d tried to keep his head down when he could, and he’d dug burnt food out of the trash, and he’d refused to give up smoking until just the thought of a cigarette made the burns on his arm hurt.

The porch still sagged in the middle, but the lawn was neat and short, and someone had planted bushes on either side of the stairs that Richard had shoved him down at least once.  Someone was living here…not Richard and Tammy, but some other family.  They were living in this house.

The house that was just a house.

Beside him, Soda was so quiet he could almost forget he was there, but Pony couldn’t tear his eyes away.

Richard wasn't there anymore.  Neither was his wife.  Mark and Tyler were long gone.  Rita was at work, safe, and Li was at peace, maybe even watching him now.  There was no one for him to protect.  No reason for him to be here, he realized with a smile as something in his chest seemed to loosen.  It wasn’t a scary house…wasn’t haunted by anything but his memories.  

Soda reached over, a hand landing on his shoulder, and Pony stiffened a little in surprise before taking a breath and relaxing.  

After everything he’d been through…after the pain and the torture and the nightmares, it felt impossible.  He couldn’t believe it…couldn’t believe that at some point, the sight of this house, which had once inspired a fear so all-consuming it had made him sick every time he’d so much as thought about it, even from the safety of his own home, wasn’t affecting him more.

He’d expected a lot of things when he’d made the split second decision to face this house again.  Fear, mostly.  Terror.  He’d expected his hands to start shaking again, and his throat to close up.  He’d even thought he might need Soda to hold him together until he could breathe again…until the pain of it all passed.  

But as he stared at the house across the street, all he felt was a vague ache in his chest, so familiar now that he could forget about it most days.  Hell, he thought, it was almost anticlimactic.  He even felt kind of bad for dragging Sodapop all the way out here just to stare at it.

“It’s just a house,” he whispered, bewildered.  

“Yeah,” Soda agreed softly.  

“Just…a regular house.”

His brother nodded when he glanced at him, still looking concerned.  “Yeah, kiddo.” 

Pony had to fight the urge to smile.  “He’s in prison.”

“He’ll be in there for a long time.  And he’d better not ever show his face in our town.”

Pony nodded.  It was true.  Richard was in prison and this house was just a house.

“Where to next?” Soda asked after a moment, voice forcibly light, and Pony pulled back onto the road.  

There was one more place he still dreamed about, and he could only hope he handled it half as well as he had the house.

It was a road he’d walked alongside what felt like a million times with Li, the two of them heading to school together, Pony’s hands shoved in his pockets, gaze locked on the ground as she’d talked to him.  He’d never told her much about himself or his family, but she’d been happy to fill the silence most days.  It was different to drive it, though.  What had taken almost half an hour when he’d walked slow enough only took a couple of minutes, and soon he was pulling into a familiar parking lot.

Soda followed him without a word, and Pony knew that he’d been here too…that Dallas had brought him and Steve in their quest to learn more about what his life here had been like…to try and get some answers.  

It was only about eleven, so the building was mostly empty, and Pony was surprised to see a familiar face.  He headed straight to the bar, climbing onto one of the stools, and Soda sat beside him.  “A little early for a beer…and you’re kind of young for one,” his brother murmured, bumping his shoulder against Pony’s as the bartender headed over, freezing in place halfway to them.

“Hey, Dean,” Soda greeted.  

Pony was kind of surprised that he’d remembered his name.

The man stared at him for a moment, eyes narrow, but then he stiffened, taking in the scar on Pony’s face and Sodapop beside him.  “Ponyboy Curtis,” he greeted softly, smiling and looking relieved.  

“Hey.  Think I can get a Pepsi?  I’ll pay you this time.”

“Sure thing.”  He reached under the bar and pulled out two Pepsis, popping them open and handing one to Soda and one to Ponyboy before looking Pony up and down, then turning to Sodapop with a grin.  “Looks like you found him.”

Soda grinned, slinging an arm around Pony’s shoulders and squeezing him as he took a drink of his soda.  “Yeah.  We did.”

“I heard they got that asshole locked up.”

Pony nodded.  “Yeah.  His wife and a couple of his friends too.”

“Good.  What about the other kids in the house?”

“The guys left before he got locked up.  I think they’re in California.  The other girl, Rita, just got an apartment close to our place.”

“I’m glad to hear it.  Good to see you doing better, kid.  When I heard the news about your foster sister…”  He shook his head, looking sick, and Pony felt Sodapop stiffen beside him.  “They were out looking behind the bar for you for a couple of days.  The woods too.  I’d told them you used to sleep out there sometimes.  I didn’t know he was friends with the cops.  Anyway, I’m sorry about your foster sister.  Lianne, right?”

“Yeah,” Pony nodded, squeezing the bottle a little tighter.  But it didn’t hurt so much to hear her name anymore.  She was okay now.  Hell, she might even be listening, though he’d certainly never tell Dean or his brothers that.  “Thanks.  And, uh…I wanted to thank you.  For giving me the sodas and letting me hang out here.  I don’t know what I would have done without your help.”

Dean shook his head.“It wasn’t nothing, kid.  Don’t worry about it.  Or those sodas either.  It’s on the house.”

Pony and Sodapop both thanked him as he moved to the other side of the bar, getting back to work, and the two of them downed the rest of their sodas.  Pony stood then, his brother following him.  He hadn’t come here to say hi to Dean, but when he’d pulled in, he’d remembered just how much the man had done for him, a strange kid that wasn’t even supposed to be in his bar, and it hadn’t felt right to not at least try to thank him.

Now he led Soda around the side of the building, hesitating for just a second before turning the corner.

The field behind the bar was covered in tall grass and weeds, and when Pony walked through it, the bottoms of his jeans got cold from the dew still clinging to it.  He hesitated in the middle staring down at the place where they’d killed her, Soda a few steps behind him.  There was no sign of his foster sister’s makeshift grave, and he was glad.  She’d like the grass better…grass and weeds and maybe even a frog somewhere.  She would lay on her stomach in the grass and watch the bugs, or flip onto her back and nap in the sun.  She’d wait for stray cats to wander by and dream about kangaroos and getting out of this hellhole.

He didn’t realize a tear was running down his cheeks until it dripped off of his face, and he wiped the wetness away impatiently.  Lianne was okay.

Ponyboy wondered again if she was watching him now.

He passed the grave that wasn’t a grave and headed back to the forest behind the bar, going straight to the place where he’d slept, just deep enough in the woods to be hidden from the bar, but not so deep that it was out of sight.  Then, in a move he was sure was baffling to his brother, he sat down, back against the same tree he’d slept against what felt like so long ago, curled up against the impossible cold of a winter night.  The cold dew seeped into the denim of his jeans, but he didn’t care…it had been colder those mornings he’d cried while he’d watched the sun rise.

Soda hesitated, then sat beside him, his shoulder pressed to Pony’s.  He was quiet for a while, letting Pony lean on him, then finally, he spoke up.  “You want to tell me why we’re here?” he asked softly, not sounding impatient or anything…just confused and worried and everything Pony had tried so hard to shield him from.  

“I slept out here…when he tried to…”  He still couldn’t say it…couldn’t get the words past the lump in his throat.  “I ran out of the house.  Probably sprained my ankle when I jumped off the porch.  And I ran all the way here.  I was so cold…and I wanted you so bad.”  His voice cracked and Soda threw an arm around him, pulling him close.  Pony hadn’t talked about this with Soda in a long time…had thought the pain was finally starting to pass.  But in his dream, he’d been here again.  Alone and afraid and wishing so hard for his brothers that it had made his chest ache.  “I wanted you so bad it hurt, Soda.”

“Oh, kiddo…” Soda murmured, rubbing a hand up and down his arm like he was trying to keep him warm.  “How long did you sleep out here?”

“Just a couple of nights.  I…I knew that if I stayed away, he’d hurt Rita.  Li too.”  He closed his eyes, remembering those nights, and remembering how bad he’d wanted Soda and Darry.  But he had them now.  He had his brothers and he was safe and he’d chosen to come here.  And he could leave whenever he wanted.  He could get in his car that he’d bought with money he’d saved up from his job and he could drive them both home.  “I couldn’t let him hurt them.”

“You didn’t.  You didn’t let him do anything, Pony,” he murmured, sounding fierce and sure and so much older.  Pony was seventeen but sometimes he still felt like a little kid, scared and lost and faking his way through all of it.  “You saved Rita’s life.  She’ll tell anyone who’ll listen.  You were the only person that ever stood up to that asshole and made him stop.  You protected her, over and over.  You’re so damn brave, Pony.  I’m so proud of you.  But him hurting those girls wasn’t ever your fault.  You dig?”

Pony nodded against his shoulder because he did.  He knew that.  He’d gone over and over it, in his nightmares and in therapy and with his brothers.  He’d done everything he could.  Every single thing he’d been able to do to protect them, he’d done.  “Yeah,” he whispered, sounding hoarse.  “I know.”

“Good.”

And that wouldn’t be the end of his nightmares.  He wouldn’t magically stop dreaming about that house or the woods behind the bar.  But they would never be as bad as they had been, and when he had them, he’d remember that the house was just a house, and that the woods behind the bar were just trees, and that his brothers were always there if he needed them.  

So together, Soda and Ponyboy got up and brushed their clothes off, and then they went home.  And Pony never went back to that house again. 

Chapter Text

Ponyboy waited until his senior year was nearly over to tell his brothers he was going to New York. Mostly because it took him that long to actually decide, and then to get up the courage to approach them with it. He guessed, technically, he was asking permission. He was still about six months from eighteen, so although Darry was a lot less strict than he used to be, he was still legally responsible for him. Pony had a feeling that Darry would always feel responsible for him though, and the last thing he wanted to do was worry his brothers. Still, he reasoned, going over the speech he'd prepared in his head, it wasn't like he would be gone for long.

He wasn't going alone. Him and Johnny had been talking about it for months. They'd even asked their boss for the week after their graduation off. Two-Bit wouldn't mind working a little extra to cover them…at least, Pony was pretty sure he wouldn't. They hadn't told him about it yet either…they were waiting for Pony to talk to his brothers to ask him. Anyway, him and Johnny would drive this time, taking turns driving and sleeping, and they'd split the cost of gas. And when they got there, they'd stay with James. Pony had even offered to take the floor this time.

All that was left was to take the rest of his finals, graduate high school, and tell his brothers about his upcoming trip. They hadn't told James or Sue yet either, mostly because Pony worried that Darry would refuse to let him go. He knew he was kind of asking a lot. Darry had always worried too much about him, and telling him that he wanted to go back to New York, without his brothers, for a whole week…that might be a tough sell. He could already imagine what his brother would say.

'That's a two day drive!'

'What if something happens to you?'

'What if you get in a wreck? Or your car breaks down?'

'What if something happens and I can't get to you?'

Or, the words he'd said on their porch the morning after Soda had given him that watch. 'I couldn't stand it if something happened to you.'

He didn't have answers for any of that. He just knew that he couldn't go his whole life scared to leave Tulsa because of what had happened. Besides, it wasn't like before. He wouldn't be alone. He wouldn't be running for his life. It was just a trip. A vacation.

And he told himself that he wasn't nervous because Johnny would be with him and because he was almost eighteen and there was nothing to be worried about. It wasn't like before.

He meant to tell Soda first, mostly because Pony was hoping he could give him some advice on how to break it to Darry. He had a whole speech planned and everything. He'd planned it all out, how he'd wait until after finals and after he got his grades back, and then he'd get Soda alone or go see him at the DX. He didn't even care if Steve was there. Hell, he'd thought, maybe Steve could give him some pointers about talking to Darry about it too.

In the end, he blurted it out before dinner.

He was trying to concentrate on studying for his history final, leg bouncing as he sat at the kitchen table and chewed on his thumbnail. Soda was at the stove, preoccupied with dinner, when the front door opened and shut. It wasn't a minute later that Darry passed through the kitchen on his way to his room, pausing beside Pony after greeting them. For a moment, Pony could feel Darry watching him, and then he bumped his fist against his shoulder.

"Hey, Pone. What's going on?"

Before, Pony had thought his oldest brother didn't know him nearly as well as Sodapop did…that he didn't even care enough to. These days, Pony knew better. Darry always paid attention now…always seemed to know when something was wrong. He knew he looked worried…he'd been doing his best to focus, but all he could think about was this trip and how he was going to ask if he could go. He'd been quieter than usual lately, and it seemed like Darry was finally calling him out. Still, he tried to hide it for just a little longer. "Just this history test. I've just got it and English left, but I ain't worried about English."

Darry tilted his head, narrowing his eyes and studying him. "You sure that's all?"

Soda turned from where he'd been fixing a pot of blue macaroni and cheese on the stove and watched the two of them. He'd seemed lost in thought when he'd started making dinner, just ruffling Pony's hair and asking him about school before getting to it and waving Pony off when he'd offered to help. Now his eyes narrowed like Darry's, his gaze considering. And, in the face of the both of them, Pony found himself blurting it out.

"I want to go to New York."

Soda's eyes just widened, but Darry went stiff beside him, jaw tightening like he was holding back a thousand responses…most likely the words 'no,' and 'hell no,' and even 'fuck no, are you kidding me?'

Thankfully, Soda was the one that spoke first, dropping into a chair beside him. "Yeah? When?"

Darry gave Soda an incredulous look, but Pony hurried to answer before he could say anything.

"Just for a week. After graduation. Me and Johnny were talking about it…thought we could drive up and see James and them." Them, of course, mostly being Sue. But Pony didn't say that. It still felt strange. Him and Sue hadn't said the words 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' yet, especially since they'd known it would be a while before they saw each other again. And even though they talked on the phone all the time, Pony knew it would be a lot different with her actually in Tulsa, close enough that he could take her out and spend time with her. But in the last month, he'd turned two girls down when they'd asked if he wanted to go to the movies with him, trying to let them down gently while trying to find the words to explain who Sue was.

He liked her. So much. And he wanted to go see her. But more than that, he wanted to go back to New York. To see it all again when he felt like himself. He wanted to rewrite those memories…to go on a trip for fun before college like a regular person.

He didn't really know how to put all that into words though. Maybe, he thought, if he had a piece of paper and a pencil, he could figure out how to write it all down. But he didn't think he could just say it in a way that his brothers could understand.

"We asked our boss. Mr. Rivers said we could take the week."

"Yeah, he'd better," Darry grumbled, sitting in the other chair, and Pony had to hide a smile. He thought Pony worked too much, probably because he never took a day off and hadn't missed a day since he started working at the grocery store. "That's what…a three day trip?"

Pony nodded. "About. Two and a half. Just two if we speed the whole way."

Darry gave him an unimpressed look and Soda snorted, kicking him under the table. "I don't know, kiddo. That's a long way to go on your own."

"I wouldn't be on my own," he reminded him, glad he wasn't say 'no' outright. "Johnny's coming too." He didn't bother bringing up the fact that he'd already gone to New York on his own, and on a bus, with only Dally knowing where he was.

"Just you two?"

"Yeah. Two-Bit's gotta work. Dal too, probably. And unless you and Soda can get off…"

Soda grinned. "Sounds fun, but my boss ain't as nice as yours, kidoo. He sure ain't giving me a week off."

"Mine either." Darry told him, still looking troubled, like he'd actually considered it. But at least he didn't look terrified anymore. "You guys want to take your car?"

"Yeah. We can split the gas. It's cheaper than the bus. And we can stay with James."

His brother was quiet, and Soda stood, heading back over to the stove. "Come on, Dar. He's almost eighteen. And he won't be alone or nothing." He hesitated, patting Darry on the back as he passed. "It ain't like it's the first time he's been up there, anyway."

Pony was pretty surprised Soda had brought that up, but he turned back to Darry, hopeful. "We'll be careful. And James will be there."

Darry looked like his mind was going a mile a minute, but he'd gotten better at listening, so he was quiet for a minute before he spoke. "You have enough money?"

Pony nodded.

He sighed, opening his mouth, then closing it. And Ponyboy knew he wanted to say no. He wanted to insist Pony stay close where Darry and Soda and the guys could keep an eye on him. But his brother had been loosening the leash since Pony had gotten older, and after a moment, Darry nodded a little to himself. "You ought to have Soda and Steve look at your car before you leave. Make sure it don't need oil or anything. And check your spare tire."

Pony felt himself grinning as his brother went on, and at the stove, Soda chuckled under his breath.

"Call us every day you're on the road so we know you're okay. And pull off if you're both too tired to drive. Don't pick up any hitchhikers." He looked up from where he'd been staring at the table, going through his mental list, then stopped when he saw Pony grinning at him. He softened then, reaching out and gripping his shoulder.

"We'll be careful."

"I know you will."

"I'll even bring you back a snowglobe."

He rolled his eyes and squeezed Pony's shoulder. "Just bring yourself home, you hear? I don't want anything else."

Pony promised he would, talking over Soda who insisted he wanted a snowglobe too.

Sue had been right. The day Ponyboy graduated almost at the top of his class, his big brother screamed and hollered until a teacher had to shush him, and when Pony glanced over, Steve had his face hidden in his hands as he slouched in his seat. But Darry was grinning and clapping so hard it looked like it hurt, and even Dally, who'd shown up afterall, was smirking a little, rolling his eyes and giving him some halfhearted applause.

When Two-Bit walked across his stage, they all did the same, and Pony thought he saw his buddy's mom crying in the front row as she applauded alongside Susie.

Afterwards, they went to that same steakhouse, and Darry pulled out the camera, getting a passing waiter to take a photo of the whole group gathered around the table. Later, Darry would frame it, and that photo, along with the photo he'd taken of the three of them right after the graduation ceremony out in front of the school, would hang on the wall of every house Darry lived in for the rest of his life.

And then, almost before Pony knew it, he was packing his clothes into a duffle bag he'd found in Soda's room. Johnny came over on Friday morning, his old school backpack thrown over one shoulder, and when it came time to leave, Soda pulled him into a hug in their living room, patting him on the back. It was strange to think of Soda being as old as Darry had been when he'd gotten custody of them…strange to think that his big brother was an adult with a girlfriend he'd probably want to marry soon. But, he thought as he squeezed his brother, he was almost an adult too. He had a job, and in a couple of months, he'd be starting his first year of college.

There had been so many times that he'd thought he'd never make it this far that sometimes it was still unbelievable to be standing here, almost eighteen and ready to start college.

Dal had stayed the night on their couch the night before, showing up around dinnertime and helping himself to a plate. Darry had looked worried for a second, but Dally hadn't had any new black eyes and he hadn't seem pissed off or nothing. So they'd all relaxed, Soda asking him how his races were going.

He punched Ponyboy in the shoulder when Soda finally let him go, looking between him and Johnny. "You two try not to get into any trouble, you feel me? I ain't coming up to New York to bail you out if you do."

Pony didn't believe that for a second. He was pretty sure if they called Dally from just about anywhere, he'd find a way to get to them. Hell, the whole gang would. Even Steve. It's what made them all practically family.

"Yeah, we dig," Johnny agreed with a grin. "We ain't gonna get in any trouble."

Their friend looked skeptical, but he didn't argue. "Alright, kids. Tell James hey for me."

"You sure you don't want to come?" Pony asked. It would be fun, he thought, having Dally along for a road trip, even if their buddy was more likely to get them into trouble than to keep them out of it.

Dally chuckled, shaking his head. "Nah. I've got a race this week, and Buck's got me manning the bar tonight. Maybe next time."

Darry hugged him next, arms so tight around him that it made his ribs ache, but he didn't complain, just hugged his brother as tight as he could. He knew that Darry had been looking into night classes, and was debating trying to enroll in school in the fall. With Pony helping out, they might even have enough money, especially since he'd gotten that track scholarship.

He'd never felt as good as he had when he'd showed Darry the acceptance letter and the full ride offer he'd gotten…had never smiled as big as when his brother had pulled him into his arms and lifted him off the ground, telling Pony how proud he was…how good Pony had done.

Now Darry held a hand against the back of his head. "Be careful, you hear?"

"I will."

"Call home. Every day."

"I will."

"You got everything you need?"

"Yeah. Besides, they've got stores in New York, Darry."

His brother chuckled, squeezing him one last time before pulling away with what seemed to be a monumental effort. "Alright. Go on. You two ought to get on the road before traffic gets bad."

So they did, waving to Pony's brothers before setting off.

It was nothing like Pony's first trip to New York. He wasn't bleeding the whole time, for one thing. And he had Johnny with him. They ate fast food in the car and switched off, taking turns driving, sometimes pulling off into a rest stop parking lot to sleep when they had to. They listened to the radio, turning the dial until they found a station without static, only to do it again a few hours later when they passed out of range, and talked about school and work. They read aloud as they drove too, taking turns as they made their way through The Fellowship of the Ring, which Pony had gotten Johnny for his birthday. And at the end of both days, they phoned the Curtis house, assuring Pony's brothers that they were both alive, and that no, they hadn't picked up any murderous hitchhikers.

Two and a half days later, Pony grinned as he rapped his knuckles against the familiar front door of James's apartment, Johnny laughing softly behind him at his excitement. Johnny had suggested they call first, but Pony had insisted it be a surprise. It was only about 6 in the evening, but he was hoping James wasn't at work yet.

Thankfully he wasn't, and he opened the door a minute or so later, looking irritated before he took the two of them in, eyes widening as they darted from Pony to Johnny.

"Hey," Pony told him. He didn't remember his first day in New York too well…couldn't remember all that much about his first meeting with James, other than the fact that he'd been exhausted and terrified that he'd have to sleep in an alley if James turned him away. Now, though, he just grinned, sure that James would pull out the blankets and make room for them. "We're friends of Dally's. Mind if we crash for a while?"

James laughed, grabbing his arm and pulling him into a rough hug, ruffling his hair and then pushing him away to throw an arm around Johnny. "What the hell are you two doing here?" Johnny ducked away when he went to put him in a headlock, and James shoved Pony's shoulder. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming?"

"Figured you liked surprises so much, we ought to give you one," Pony told him with a shrug, laughing when James punched his arm.

"Smartass. Come on in, kids. Guess I'd better hunt down some blankets. There goes my living room floor again." He was grinning from ear to ear, so Pony knew he wasn't put out. "How long are you staying?"

"Just a week." Pony told him. "Thought we'd come down before classes start."

"And you just figured you'd crash on my couch?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

He laughed, punching Johnny in the arm and shutting the front door behind them. "Your big brothers let you come all the way up here on your own?"

"He ain't on his own," Johnny protested, the two of them following James into the living room that hadn't changed a bit since he'd last been there. Pony took it all in, from the couch he'd slept on for three months to the radio in the corner that James had pulled out when he'd been sick.

"Still. I didn't think the big one was going to let you out of his sight. Not until you were eighteen, at least, and then only because he couldn't stop you." James disappeared into his room, Pony and Johnny sitting on the couch, then returned with his arms full of blankets that he threw on top of them, making them both laugh.

"I offered to bring him back a snowglobe and he said yes."

James shook his head, sitting on the floor across from then on the other side of the coffee table, watching them sort the blankets out with a fond smile.

"They know you're here, right?"

"Yeah, they do. Dal too. I told them I wanted to come after graduation. He told me to be careful. Had Steve check my car before we left."

"Damn. Sounds like your big brother's calmed down some."

"I don't think he worries as much anymore," Pony told him with a shrug, which was kind of an understatement, but he figured it was close enough to the truth.

James snorted. "I think he's just gotten better at hiding it. I doubt he'll ever quit worrying about you, kid. And I don't blame him. I've never met anyone better at finding trouble."

"Hey! I ain't been in any trouble all year!"

Beside him, Johnny laughed, but he did back him up. "He hasn't. The last time he was in trouble wasn't even his fault."

"Yeah, yeah. It never is." James jumped up, returning with three beers. "What happened?"

"He went to a party and got in a fight over a girl."

"I did not!" Pony snapped, fighting a laugh when James leaned forward, eyes wide.

"You did what?"

And so, rolling his eyes, Ponyboy told him the story. It wasn't even like he'd noticed Angela Shephard flirting with him, and he sure as hell hadn't been looking for a fight. He still felt bad when he remembered realizing how late he was, and how afraid Darry had sounded when he'd called and told him he was at the hospital. But he hadn't been able to just leave that girl at the party, not when her boyfriend had jumped in to help him.

He was just glad the Shephards hadn't come after him again. He liked Curly just fine, but he was still wary of those guys, and he was sure Darry didn't mind him keeping his distance. Last he'd heard, Angela had gotten married and Curly was locked up again. This time for drugs. Hard ones.

They told James all this, passing the time before he had to leave for work by catching him up on how things were going back home until the two of them were about nodding off. Neither had gotten much sleep in the last three days since they'd wanted to get to New York as fast as possible, and finally, James jumped up, taking the empty beer bottles into the kitchen.

"Alright, you two. I've got to get to work. Get some sleep. There's food in the kitchen if you're hungry."

That in itself was a surprise, and Pony fought the urge to make a smart remark. But before Pony could wonder too much about how much James had changed since he first met him, he turned around from where he'd been headed to his room, pointing a finger.

"Oh. You want to call your brothers, use the payphone. I ain't paying for long distance."

And there it was, he thought with a grin shared with Johnny. Same old James.

Pony and Johnny stayed up a little later once James had left, reading more of their book aloud and playing cards, then making some pasta for dinner. It was just like before…but also nothing like before. They were doing all the same stuff. If they hadn't been older, this night would have looked like just about every other night they'd spent in James's apartment. But they were older. Johnny wasn't nothing like he'd been before…he wasn't scared anymore. Didn't walk around like he was waiting to get hit. And Pony…he wasn't scared either. Not like he had been. New York wasn't his home, and he hadn't even lived here that long, but he felt safe in James's apartment. Happy too. Excited about seeing Sue and having a whole week off work and even going home and getting ready to start college.

Excited to go to school so close to Sue, who had decided once and for all to go to Langston University.

They both crashed around ten, Pony insisting that Johnny take the sofa. He was exhausted, but Johnny fell asleep first, and he listened to his friend breathe, for what felt like hours, unable to fall asleep. The floor was fine, especially with all of the blankets James had found for him, and he hadn't slept since a nap in the car the night before. But now he was stuck staring up at the ceiling, wondering if taking a walk would be safe or if Johnny would catch him and skin him for walking outside on his own at 2am in New York City.

He did finally manage to fall asleep, but it felt like only a few minutes passed before he jerked awake at the sound of a door opening, mind flashing to Richard only for a second before he opened his eyes and found James all but sneaking into his own apartment, latching the door softly behind him before he froze, eyes widening when he spotted Pony sitting up on the floor.

Not Richard, he reminded himself for what felt like the millionth time since he'd left that house. Richard was locked up. He was with James and Johnny. He was safe here.

James hesitated in the doorway, then nodded to him, looking tired, silhouetted in the dim light from the street coming in through the window. "Hey, kid. Johnny asleep?" he whispered.

Pony nodded, and James regarded him for a moment before jerking his chin toward the kitchen. And without hesitating, Pony jumped up to join him.

The kitchen had actual food in it now, and the fridge was almost full. And sure, a lot of the room in the refrigerator was taken up by beer, but there was lunch meat and leftover Chinese food too, which seemed a step up from before. The two of them sat at the kitchen table, James pulling out a cigarette, then glancing at him before tucking it behind his ear instead of lighting it.

"Couldn't sleep?"

Pony shook his head. "Not really."

"Nightmares?"

"Nah. Just woke up when you came home." He took a bite of the sandwich James had handed him. "How was work?"

"It was fine. T and his new girl are talking about getting married, so I'm probably going to have to cover for him." He took a bite of his sandwich. "Speaking of girls, you going to see yours tomorrow?"

Pony nodded, not trying to deny it. "Yeah. Thought I'd stop by the store. Surprise her." He didn't figure they be able to go on dates or nothing, not since Johnny was there with them, and he didn't want to leave his friend all on his own, but they could all go to the movies, or go swimming again. Maybe visit James's diner.

"I'm sure she'll be surprised. You call your brothers?"

"Yeah, before we went to bed. From the payphone."

"Man, I still can't believe Darry let you come."

"He was nervous about it," Pony admitted. "I wish they could have come too."

"Maybe one day, kid. But they can't all fit in my living room. You've got too many friends."

Pony grinned. "Dally said to tell you hi."

"How is old Dal doing?"

"He's good. Broke it off with his girl again, but he seems alright. He's got a race this week."

"He always was good with those horses. Even when he was up here, he'd talk about them sometimes. I guess his mom took him riding as a kid or something."

Pony hesitated before asking his next question. There was something that had been bugging him for a long time…something he'd been too afraid to ask back when he'd first stayed with James. But he figured now was as good a time as any. "Hey James?" Ponyboy asked suddenly.

"Yeah?"

"How come Dally got locked up for you?" He worried for a second about irritating him…James had never been big on personal questions. Now though, he just grinned to himself, shaking his head.

"He never told you?"

Pony shrugged. "I never asked."

James regarded him for a long moment, then leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms.

"It was years ago. Me and Dal were only thirteen or fourteen then. Just kids. My little brother was only about ten, and he followed me around everywhere like a puppy or something. So me and my brother were out one night. Our old man was on a bender, and I took him to get burgers and shakes at that diner I work at now. We met Dal there..he hung out there all the time, and you could find him there most nights. His old man was just as bad as mine."

Pony nodded. He knew that Dally's dad was pretty awful, and he wondered what it must have been like, growing up with someone like that…someone like Richard. Hell, he'd barely lasted five months with the guy.

"We were headed home. It was about three in the morning. My little brother was half asleep. I gave him a ride on my back." He looked over at the wall, lost in his memories, and Pony remembered Darry doing the same thing for him so many times. "Back then, Pete wasn't as bad. You remember…the guy you fought with at that store you worked at?"

He nodded again.

"I mean, he was an asshole, but he didn't come around our side of town too much. But there was another guy in their gang. Aaron…he ran around with a bunch of older guys. Liked to jump younger kids and hold up gas stations. They were into drugs too. Hard stuff. Stuff that makes you stupid. They were on our turf that night…Aaron and two of his buddies. Jumped us a few blocks from the diner. My brother…well, I told you he hated fighting. Aaron pulled out a blade and the other guy did too. One of them went after my brother…Dal stopped him."

James was quiet for a minute, staring at the table.

"My brother was so fucking scared, man. He wanted to run for it, but he didn't want to leave us. Didn't want to look like a coward. Aaron went after him then and I got a hold of him and…it was like you and Pete. I just kept hitting him, you know? Dal had to pull me off before I killed him. One of them must have got away and called the cops. And Dal…he told me to go. To take my brother and get home. He stayed there. Told the fuzz it had been him. He'd already been locked up a couple of times, so they didn't question it." James shrugged. "He knew if I got locked up, no one would be around to look after Peter." He winced a little. "That was his name. Every time I hear that asshole's name, I have to think about my little brother."

He swallowed hard, and Pony wished he knew what to say. He tried to imagine what someone could say to Darry to make him feel better if anything happened to him or Soda, but Pony didn't think there was anything.

"Dal always kept an eye on Peter. Looked out for him. So I wasn't too surprised when you showed up at my door and told me that Dal sent you. He's got a knack for looking after kids."

"Yeah…I'd be dead if it weren't for Dally."

"Me too, kid." James held up his sandwich like he was making a toast, eyes still far away, lost in his memories. "Me too."

It was true, Pony thought as he climbed back into his nest of blankets not too much later. Dal had risked a whole lot to get him out of town when he'd needed him. And it seemed like he'd risked a lot for James too, back when they'd been kids. He was lucky, he thought, drifting back into sleep, to have Dallas Winston, and the rest of the gang too. Lucky to have such good friends that had always been like family.

He hadn't really known that before…hadn't known that Steve would become a good friend, or that he'd teach him how to hotwire a car. He hadn't known that Two-Bit would get a job working at the same grocery store as him and Johnny, or that they'd graduate together. He hadn't known that one day, he'd think of Dallas Winston as a real friend, instead of a guy that his brother ran around with who scared the hell out of him.

Hell, before he'd been taken away from his brothers, he hadn't even known that Darry loved him more than about anyone…that his oldest brother would, over the years, turn into someone more like a father, but that they'd be friends too. Back when he'd first come to New York, he'd still been afraid that Darry hadn't even wanted him…that he hadn't tried to get him back at all.

Maybe it shouldn't have taken living with someone like Richard to realize how much his brother loved him, but he sure was grateful to know it now.

Staring up into the darkness, eyes closing as he started to drift back into sleep, his thoughts strayed to Rita and Lianne, and he found that he couldn't bring himself to regret any of it. If he hadn't been in that house, he never would have met them…never would have protected them, even if he hadn't been able to save Lianne in the end.

He never would have come to New York or met James. Or Sue.

Two-Bit never would have met Rita.

Johnny might never have lost that kicked puppy look, or got out from under his parents' thumb.

And Pony might never have realized how much his big brother loved him.

Now, as he drifted off, he knew that no matter what happened, he'd always be able to turn to Darry and Soda, and the gang too. They would be his family for the rest of his life.

And he was right.

The End