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Isabela watched with concern, leaning lightly on one of Casita's still standing walls (what was left of it, anyway). Her big-little sister sat on surrounding rubble with a vacant stare, shoulders hunched and cradling her injured arm to her chest. Today has been more turbulent than the time Tia Pepa caused a typhoon– daylight spent in a frantic whirlwind getting ready for the Guzmáns, the disastrous dinner, indignation quickly replaced by elation of discovering (remembering) she can do, BE so much more, and Mirabel helped-
… Mirabel. Her fight with Abuela, Casita breaking apart. And Mira is missing- no. Her littlest sister will be okay, her família will find her. She'll be okay, and they'll all talk, really talk like Mira did with her before everything came crashing down, and they'll mend the cracks that spread among her family.
Isabela pulled out of her musings. Mira will be found, but Luisa looked just as lost. While Isabela is extremely grateful her sister made sure to keep their Abuela safe during their abrupt exit as Casita threw them out of harm's way, the sight of her head wound, now cleaned and bandaged, makes Isabela's mouth run dry; she can barely recall memories of little Lu running towards her, scrapped knees and big tears falling down her face; Isabela gently brushing the tears away, taking Lu's hand in her own and setting off to find their Mamá.
After getting her Gift, Luisa stopped coming to Isabela with scrapes, her Gift making Lu tough as the Earth itself. After Mira's ceremony, Luisa stopped showing tears too, always there to help, always the reliable one. At the time Isabela did the same – be perfect, and Abuela will be proud enough to not be mad at Mirabel (they thought, hoped). No problem, Isabela is (was) always perfect after all, she'll just practice extra hard. But as time passed, Isabela felt less and less like herself, dimming and flickering. That protectiveness warped into bitterness, into jealousy and animosity towards Mira, while Luisa just, faded into background, ever a constant.
Isabela sighed. She might've been too caught up in her own problems to pay attention her sisters deserved, but she's here now . And she REFUSES to let her stubborn Burrita of a sister hurt alone in silence any longer.
“Luisa, hermanita, we need to tell Papá and Mamá about your arm when they come back.”
Luisa startled out of her (weak scared anguished) thoughts, almost missing just what her older sister said. She shot up to her feet, pounding heart stuttering at the statement before redoubling its beating in panic.
“What? Isa, I'm fine-”
“Lu, you can't seriously think you can fool me with that.” Isabella huffed. “I heard your whimper when I touched your shoulder earlier no matter how much you tried to stifle it-” Isa's angry expression creased up, turning into worry “-whatever is wrong must be serious. Mamá will know what to do, even without a magical arepa.”
Luisa felt cold sweat creep up her neck. She was already being a burden to her sister (weak selfish useless), sitting around here and keeping Isa around when they should be searching for Mirabel instead, she can't be a burden to their parents too.
“Isa, lo siento, I-” Luisa pauses; she probably can 't convince Isa she's entirely fine, not when her hermana already had to take care of the gash on her forehead with their Mami earlier when she… rested unprompted (Mira is in danger, and yet she dared to take a nap? She hasn't slept during the day in years, yet she did so now, when she's most needed. What an utterly terrible sister she is). But maybe she can placate her, make Isa see reason.
“I'll be okay, it doesn't even hurt anymore.” She winces, hoping the lie isn't too obvious. While she loathes lying to her sister, this is important. “Besides, Mami and Papi will be tired when they come back, and Mira is gonna need us.” (don't say it, don't say IF Mirabel comes back, don't think about it, don't think about it). She manages a wobbly smile. “It's not that important.”
Isa is looking at her like Luisa suddenly grew a second head. Then, the spark in her eyes ignites and she's glaring at her fiercely. Luisa almost shudders before reigning it in and looking away. Why does that look remind her so much of Abuela? Blazing where Abuela's disapproving stares are cold as ice, yet so similar… She really hates that look.
“Lu. What in the world is going on with you?” Isa's tone is barely restrained fury.
Luisa pours all her remaining ability to focus at keeping her eyes on the ground, shoulders hunched together. She can take it, she needs to prove to Isa there's no reason to worry about her-
“Luisa! Look at me!” Somehow, her being quiet seems to have made Isabela ever angrier, now positively fuming.
Luisa's eyes shoot up at Isa in shock before she involuntarily takes a step back, feeling like her heart is going to leap out of her rib cage.
“Isa I swear, it's okay, I'm okay. Lo siento, we need to focus on Mira, on Casita, maybe, maybe we can still restore the miracle somehow, that's way more important than my arm-”
“Are you even hearing yourself! I can't believe you!”
Isabela keeps advancing, and Luisa in turns continues to back-pedal.
“How can you possibly think I care for that stupid burnt out candle more than you! I miss my Gift, of course I do, but certainly not more than I care for you and DEFINITELY not after Mira almost-”
“Lo siento, Isa I don't think that about you-”
“Well you sure make it sound that way!”
Luisa's back touches a crumbling wall. Nowhere left to run. She's trapped.
“Isa-”
“Enough! I'm done with these excuses of yours! If you won't tell Mamá on your own, I swear I will! I don't care if you refuse, I'm not letting you continue this ‘I Am Fine And Nothing Is Wrong’ charade at the expense of your health!”
Isabela jabs her finger into Luisa's shoulder, forgetting the injury in heat of the moment.
“AARGH!”
Luisa doubles over and holds her arm, unable to keep the hurt in. Panic floods her mind. Oh no oh no this isn't good, she won't be able to convince Isa like this-
“Luisa! Lu, are you okay, I'm so sorry!” Fear and concern momentarily break through Isabela's fiery expression and she reaches out to her sister, before her hand stills and then clenches. The inferno in her eyes roars up again, somehow even stronger than before. She gestures at Luisa's arm wildly.
“This is exactly what I'm talking about! Stop being so stubborn and let! Me! Help! You!”
Luisa can feel herself rapidly approaching breaking point. The weight of last two days… last 14 years is growing unbearable, slowly crushing her underneath. Instead of being the rock of her family like she should be (but she can't, she can't and that makes her useless), she's crumbling. Her mind scrambles for something, anything to salvage this situation.
“No! Sis, lo siento, it's okay. Shoulder's fine, Luisa's fine. We don't have to let anyone know, I promise. Please, there are much more important things to worry about, I'm strong- I-I mean, I can take it, the pain isn't that bad, please Isa, lo siento-”
“STOP THIS! STOP APOLOGIZING! YOU AREN'T FINE LU!” Isabela shouts, anger and worry bleeding together into a desperate roar, tears shimmering in her eyes.
Luisa's breath catches in her throat, choking her. (you've done it now, Isa knows, everyone knows you're nothing but a failure)
“Lo siento, I- I'm … ” Her voice cracks. She tries again. “ Lo siento hermana, lo sien-” She chokes up again, trying and failing again and again to form her words into anything besides apologies, but she has nothing (is nothing) and she can see her sister's anger fizzle and die out all at once, color draining from her face as Isa gapes at Luisa, seemingly stunned (but surely, surely she's going to be furious with Luisa again in a moment and rightfully so, how dare she do this to Isa, how dare she bring her sister down with her utter uselessness, Luisa HAS WANTS NEEDS to fix this), but it's too late and Luisa can feel herself unravel.
Unable to hold herself together any longer (not strong enough, never strong enough, just like Mirabel said), Luisa feels her knees buckle, her good arm grasping at the injured one. Back sliding down the wall until she's on the ground and promptly curls into a ball, making herself as small as she could. Fractured, a fissure inside her growing. The dark ocean of fear and anxiety, always lapping at her feet, suddenly rising into a great wave, threatening to swallow her whole.
No no no no no please, please not here, not in front of Isa.
But Luisa knows how this goes. She was always too weak to stop the ocean during the nights in Casita (back when she had her Gift she could ignore it, or at least keep herself together until she was alone, resilient as stone itself, keep the ocean at reasonable level let it go to her knees her chest her neck back then she was something but now she's nothing and can't do anything at all but fall apart just like Casita just like her family and its all her fault and the wave is over her head now and she's drowning drowning drowning-) and she knows what happens next but that doesn't make it any less terrifying.
Her sister's panicked shouts (look what you did look how you're hurting her keep it together keep it together-) and her own stream of faltering apologies , warping into disjointed noise as her vision blurs rapidly through tears, more and more until it grows black, sending her into further panic. (is Isa still here she needs her but she can't she can't be a burden to her but she already is she always is -)
And now she can't hear anything at all past her breathing, ragged and desperate. Then it too goes away, until the only sound is rushing of blood in her head. (she can't hear Isa anymore she wants her here but she shouldn't she can't her sister should go and leave her please just leave her go help Mirabel help people who matter-)
She thinks she's rocking a bit, back and forth, back and forth, but its getting hard to tell, her body growing numb. (growing weak weak weak its all she is now stupid weak worthless Luisa whom nobody needs nobody wants and she deserves this-)
Until she can see hear feel nothing but the vastness of the ocean void.
Then everything goes white and-
...
...
...
...
The first thing she feels is freezing cold. It takes her a while to figure out it comes from her forehead, dripping down her face, chilling and wet. That's… strange. The dark ocean never actually feels like water.
There's a noise of, something, but she can't seem to decipher it. Instead, she notices a warm hand on her arm, slowly rubbing up and down in a loose circle. It feels nice. Comforting. So she pours her limited focus into that touch, unsure whenever it's been seconds or hours. She feels sort of distant, away from her body except her other arm, shoulder burning with pain. Slowly, sound sneaks back in. Her breathing is still ragged, still rapid, but maybe a little less desperate. And then she finally deciphers that underlying soft noise.
“Shh, shh, it'll be okay Lu. I'm here. You're safe. I've got you. We'll be okay.”
Isabela. Her sister was here, with her, despite her utterly losing control. Luisa lets out a half whimper, half sob. Isa stops mid sentence, her breath catching a little.
“Lu, hermanita? Can you hear me?” She tries to nod but isn't sure she's successful, letting out another quiet sound. The cold drops from her forehead at the same time the hand pulls away from her arm, but before dread sets back in she feels herself being hugged.
“You'll be okay Lu, breathe with me okay? Try to match my breathing. It's okay if you can't at first, we'll take it slow, just follow me.”
It takes a while, but Luisa can feel herself slowly coming back into her body, her breathing calming down. She opens her eyes, her sister's slightly blurry figure coming into picture, smiling when she notices Luisa looking at her. Isa's eyes are full of comforting warmth, and she pulls out of the hug to put her hand on Luisa's back, rubbing slow, large circles.
She's still crying, she notes, but she has no energy left to try and hide them. Time passes. Luisa cannot tell how long they spend like this, Luisa breathing while letting her tears flow, Isabela a comforting presence and encouraging words right beside her.
Luisa finds her voice again, raspy but grateful. “Muchas gracias hermana. How did you know what to do?”
Isabela looks at her, as if trying to measure whenever to answer, but she seems to have come to a conclusion, her eyes determined. “Do you remember, before Tio Bruno left, when you were helping with the cartload and... had a bad moment like this one?” Luisa nods, memory clear in her mind.
“Señor Osvaldo came running to Casita, calling Abuela and telling her what happened. I was with her at the time, and I was so scared for you. Thankfully, Papá was near and took off to bring you home. I asked him afterward if he could teach me how to help you, in case he's not around when you need that help.”
Isabela's smile disappears. “I thought you would come to me if something like that happened again, but… I figured it was a one time thing and you were okay since then. But you weren't, were you hermanita? You didn't want anyone to know and I didn't stop to wonder if you needed help. I didn't tell you that you could come to me if you needed me. And then, after Mira's ceremony and… Tio Bruno, we both got so busy and I got so wrapped up in my head… and when you needed me now, I got wrapped up in my head again and panicked at first. I froze, I didn't know what to do and you couldn't hear me-”
Luisa pulls her sister into another hug, squeezing her firmly. “Isa, you did help me. So much. And when we were kids… it's like you said, I didn't want anyone in the family to know. I'm not mad at you, for what happened back then or now, I promise.”
Isabela smiles and looks her in the eyes. “Thank you, Lu.” Then her gaze continues upward before her nose scrunches up a little. “Your bandage is all wet now.”
“Lo si-”
“Nope! You don't get to apologize, I'm the one who drenched you in water.”
A soft chuckle from both of them. A quiet one from Isa and an exhausted one from Luisa, but a moment of happiness nonetheless.
“It's okay, we'll get you another bandage.” Isabela's frowning again. “I'm the one who needs to apologize.” She holds her hand up before Luisa can interfere. “I'm really, truly sorry for scaring you, I promise I didn't mean to, but I got so angry and I should've… I'll try as much as I can to do better in the future, I promise. But-” Isabela pauses nervously, then finds her resolve. “Lu, por favor hermanita, we still need to tell our Mamá.”
Before Luisa can do anything, Isa is grasping one of her hands with her own and putting the other to Luisa's cheek, turning Luisa's gaze back at her. Luisa didn't realize she looked away in the first place. Isa's eyes are still warm and gentle, full of love. Like a candle flame, Luisa thinks.
“Lu, please listen to me. I love you, your whole family loves you, and that won't ever change. We want to help you, we want to be here for you. I know this one talk won't solve every hurt you carry inside you, that you'll have bad days and so will I and Mira and everyone else, and we might still hurt each other sometime, but never, never on purpose. You hear me? We'll all talk it out, and then we can help each other and carry our burdens together.” Isa squeezes her hand. “And we can start now, by telling our Mamá that you need her, and I promise you Lu, she won't be angry with you for needing that help. Not at all. So… por favor, let's tell her when she gets back?”
Luisa bites her lip, weighting her options. She shouldn't, she really shouldn't, her Mamá will for sure be exhausted when they come back with Mirabel. IF they come back with Mirabel, and what if they're lost now, too-
“Luisa, please. Please, it hurts to see you suffer like this.” Isabela apparently took Luisa's prolonged silence as rejection, and Luisa is startled by few tears that escape her older sister as she quietly admits the truth.
This won't do. Luisa promised herself she won 't be a burden to others, yet clearly she's failing at it right now and upsetting her sister for not accepting help. And maybe… maybe there are times when being a burden is okay. Maybe… maybe if it's her family, she's not a burden at all? That doesn't sound right. But for now, being conflicted is okay. Things will be okay, Isa said so and she trusts Isa. She takes a deep breath, then sighs.
“Alright Isa. We can tell Mami. I'll do it, for you, and for Mira, and for our família.”
“And for yourself, too?” Isa adds hopefully.
“… And maybe a little for me, too.” Luisa agrees quietly.
Her hermana shoots her a soft but brilliant shining smile, and extends her arm into a side hug, which Luisa gladly accepts and returns in kind.
“Everything will be alright hermanita, you'll see. Mamá and Papá will come back with Mirabel, and Mamá will help your arm and then we will both smother Mira in hugs, once I make clear to her disappearing on us was a bad move. She won't get a piece of quiet until she realizes just how precious she is to us all.”
“Hey, Isa?” Luisa gulps, unable to not voice a fear that has been plaguing her for hours. “What if… what if they won't be able to find her? What if Mira isn't back tonight?”
“Oh, Lu.” Isa squeezes her a little tighter. “I'm worried about her, too.” Isa admits quietly, then looks at Luisa, her eyes blazing with determination. “But our family will bring Mira back to us, I'm sure of it. However.” She continues before Luisa can voice her doubts. “However, in a slim chance they won't be able to find her tonight, we'll join everyone in the search tomorrow, okay? IF Mamá decides your injury won 't worsen from it. We'll find our sis, one way or the other. She certainly can't hide from both of us, Mira was always bad at Hide and Seek when she wasn't a seeker.” Isa teases lightly, recalling the fond if distant memory, before turning her gaze at the trees sprawling around them. “We'll make things better than they were before. Alright?”
“…Alright.” Luisa exhales, feeling her shoulders relax.
They sit together on Casita's rubble, looking out towards the forest for return of their parents, their aunt and uncle and cousins and Abuela (and hopefully their little sister, too). Even if their home is in shambles and their family is torn apart, its pieces cracked (like the two of them, like everyone in the família) or missing entirely (Mira and… and Tio Bruno, too). Luisa can tell the dark ocean is still here, lapping at her feet as always, but… she feels… lighter. Like maybe, just maybe, things will truly be okay again one day. Better than before, like Isa said. They'll work on it.
Ellos crecieron aparte, pero volverán.
Ellos construirán su propio futuro.