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Kaidan threw his shirt over the back of the chair and stretched his arms overhead. It was late; he should really get some shut-eye while he could. He had only been back on the Normandy a week and he’d worked more in that time than he had last six months. Not that he was complaining, it helped to keep his mind from dwelling on things that made his chest tighten, but damn, he was exhausted.
But even with all that exhaustion, he hadn’t been sleeping well. He laid down on one of the couches and rested his hands behind his head, looking up at the ceiling. She tried to insist that they put a bed in the starboard observation room, but he turned her down. The couch was plenty for him, he was just happy to be on the Normandy.
Happy to be near her again.
Thinking of her made his heart leap up into his throat. How many nights had he laid awake, staring at the ceiling, thinking about her? God, he didn’t know. It would probably be easier to count the nights that he didn’t. Three years of being torn up, and not knowing if he loved it or hated it.
‘Dammit… I’m not going to sleep tonight either.’
oOo
Alice Shepard stepped out of the shower and into the slightly chilly air of her quarters. It was late, she needed to sleep. She was still exhausted after their Noveria run the day before. Looking down at the small cut on her shoulder, she smiled a little. Kaidan had knocked her out of range of a grenade and her tech armor exploded, sending shrapnel every which way, including into her shoulder. He looked so broken when he apologized on the shuttle back to the Normandy. She laughed and made him sit down and relax, she’d been hurt worse. That didn’t seem to make him feel better.
“You worry about me, Major?” she had asked him.
He had lowered his voice to a murmur, “You know that I do, Al—Commander…”
It was nice having him around on the field again. Even though they had a similar skill set, they knew how to work off of each other. Kaidan would snap-freeze a Cerberus soldier and she’d throw the soldier against the wall, shattering the poor sonofabitch to pieces. It felt like coming home again, clearing rooms with him next to her, like he never left.
But back on the Normandy, the heavy feeling that hung in the air around them was only a reminder that he did.
She pulled on her panties and tank top before sitting in a chair to towel off her dark blonde hair. As much as she tried to think about something other than Kaidan, he was always in her mind. Thinking of the night before Ilos made her sigh and smile, thinking of Horizon made her heart twist painfully in her chest. Mars made her want to cry. Shepard rested her head in her hands as a flash of pointing her gun at Kaidan’s chest on the Citadel raced through it.
‘I would never have pulled the trigger. Ever.’ And even though she reminded herself of this constantly, it still managed to squeeze all the air out of her lungs. She hung her towel back up and crawled into bed, trying to push the thoughts away.
oOo
Kaidan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. If he didn’t get some sleep soon, he was going to set off a migraine. ‘And I’m sure Dr. Chakwas is already asleep, I’d feel bad if I woke her up over my stupidity.’ Throwing an arm over his face, he started to count back from 100. ‘…5…4…3… Dammit.’
He sat up and sighed heavily. Stars drifted by the observation window, twinkling as though everything in the galaxy was going to be just fine. Kaidan stood up and leaned on his arm against the glass. Looking out at the empty black helped him relax a bit and clear his head. ‘This is such a big place… Hard not to feel alone in it.’ Ash’s voice jumped into his mind, ‘That your official opinion, sir?’ He wondered what the Chief would make of all this. Knowing her, she’d probably want to blow the Reapers to hell and gone. ‘And I’d lock you and Skipper in the Mako until you sorted this mess between you out.’ God, he was having an imaginary conversation with a dead woman. Guess it showed where his head was at, and that if he kept agonizing over his feelings for Shepard, he’d never sleep again.
He turned from the window and stared at the door. Should he go and talk to her? That would be the best thing to do right? Just march up there and go, “Alice…err, Commander… Shepard?” Fuck. If he couldn’t even decide how to start, he’d just look like an ass when he stammered out that he still cared…a lot. She’d just laugh at him. Wouldn’t she? Kaidan grabbed his shirt and pulled it over his head. Laughter or not, he had to try.
The door hissed quietly as it opened. The hall was empty; no noise from the mess, just about everyone should be asleep. He slowly walked to the elevator, taking a deep breath to calm his nerves. A foot from the elevator door, he stopped and stared at it. ‘Go on. Get in, you idiot.’
After a long moment, he swore under his breath and walked past the elevator and into the Men’s head to splash some cold water on his face.
oOo
Shepard rolled onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. The Normandy left Earth in such a hurry, there were still wires hanging down from the retrofit. She didn’t mind that much; it gave her something to count. ‘Twelve blue. Four red. Eight green. Twenty black.’
Counting didn’t make her relax. She sat up and ran her hand through her hair. Maybe she should go talk to Kaidan. Check on him. She needed to make sure her crew was in top shape, that’s what made her a good commander right? Just check on him to see if he’s settled, maybe talk him into letting Cortez order a bed for him, or at least a rack. She threw the blanket off of her and stood up. “I might need pants first,” she muttered. She pulled on her crew pants and stepped into her boots.
After tying her hair up in a ponytail and grabbing her hooded N7 sweater, she took a deep breath and headed for the elevator.
oOo
Kaidan stood hunched over the sink, just staring at his hands. ‘I’m an idiot. The whole damn galaxy is falling to pieces and I can’t pull myself together enough to…’ He stopped and looked at himself in the mirror. What was he planning to do anyways? Go up there and sweep her off her feet? He needed to sleep, not hide in the head like teenager.
He turned and opened the door to go back out into the hallway. ‘Sleep. I need some sleep.’ Just as he stepped out and went to walk back to the starboard, he heard laughter. The lounge door was open and he could hear glasses clinking around. Someone was at the bar. Kaidan picked out the voice, it was Vega’s.
“So, Esteban, you hear that Lola and the Major had a thing?” Kaidan could feel the heat rising in his blood. Joker told him… He had to of, who else would?
He heard Cortez snort, “Is that why you were on the bridge so long? You and Joker have a sewing circle? Scuttlebutt is so unbecoming, Mr. Vega. The Commander’s love life is not your business. And yes, I did hear.”
Kaidan was going to kill Joker.
Vega laughed, “Yeah, well, I think we should lock those crazy kids in starboard observe and not let them out until they can be in the same room without suiting up for a drop. Let them work out their issues, no?”
Kaidan didn’t want to hear the rest. He quietly stepped away from the lounge door and rounded the corner into the mess hall. Blowing out a deep breath, he made his way to the main battery, hoping Garrus was awake.
oOo
Shepard stood in the hall staring at the elevator door. She had been standing there for ten minutes, frozen like a deer in the headlights. “Come on, Alice. Just get in the damn elevator. It’s not going to bite you.”
She backed up against the bulkhead and slid down until she was sitting on the deck, still staring at the door. Why was this so damn difficult? She was Commander Shepard. She had held off a Batarian attack at Elysium, saved the council, taken a team to the heart of the galaxy and lived to tell about it.
But she couldn’t go to deck 3 and talk to Kaidan.
This was silly. If there was anyone in the entire universe that she should be able to talk to, it would be him. ‘Or Garrus. I wonder if he’s awake… No, he’s got enough to worry about with that last message he got from his dad. He doesn’t want to hear about my boy troubles.’
Shepard picked herself up off the floor and stepped back into her quarters. She sank down into her chair and picked up the turian cruiser from her desk and turned it over and over in her hands. ‘I need to get to bed. Kaidan can wait until tomorrow. We’ll talk. We will really talk this time.’ Casting her eyes over to her bed, she tried to will herself to stand up and get in it, but her legs wouldn’t move.
‘I just need to clear my head out, burn off some of this…whatever it is.’
She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, feeling her biotics flicker across her pale skin. The model cruiser began to warm in her hands as she pushed the dark energy around it. She opened her eyes to see the model leave her hands and slowly rise into the air. Another deep breath, she turned the ship and pushed it out towards the fish tank, letting it glide gracefully away from her. The blue lights of the tank shone in the metal detail of the model. A flick of her fingers and the ship turned again, flying over her bed and back around the glass case that held the rest of her models.
”Shepard.”
The sudden noise startled her, breaking her concentration. The turian cruiser fell down and bounced clumsily onto the couch.
She squeezed her fists, letting the biotic energy fade from her fingers, “Yes, EDI?”
EDI’s synthesized voice quietly spoke to her, “I apologize for the late hour, but I had a question about human behavior.”
Shepard rubbed her forehead, “Now?”
“Yes. I have observed some behavior that I have found…curious.”
oOo
The battery door hissed open and Kaidan poked his head inside, “Garrus? You in here?”
“Over here.”
Kaidan entered and let the door shut behind him, “Damn, Garrus, you are still working on this gun? You should take some time off and relax.”
The turian turned away from the component panel, “This is what I do to relax.”
Kaidan chuckled softly, “Must be a turian thing.”
Garrus’ mandibles flicked out slightly with a small laugh, “Yeah, probably. Shouldn’t you be sleeping?”
“Tried to…too much on my mind.” He pulled out the chair that was against the wall and sat down, leaning back with his hands on his head. “I didn’t have any electronics to work on, so I thought I’d come see how you were doing in here. Haven’t gotten to talk much since I came back aboard.”
Garrus sat back on the nearby table, pushing rifle parts to the side. “Yeah, it’s been a crazy week since you’ve been back. To be honest, I sort of expected you to be talking with Shepard whenever we had some downtime. I mean, it’s nothing like calibrating this thing, but I’d like to think it would still be an enjoyable experience.”
Kaidan managed a small smile, “I don’t know Garrus, you make sitting in here all day look like a picnic.”
The turian crossed his arms, “Yeah, it’s my little slice of heaven. But why don’t you tell me what you’re really doing in here, Kaidan.”
“I don’t know what to say to her.”
“And you think I do? Asking a turian for love advice… Not one of your better plans.”
Kaidan sighed, closing his eyes and letting the back of his head hit the bulkhead, “Yeah. I mean, she and I have talked. I thought we were going to push past everything that happened. And when we’re out on the field, we’re great, like nothing changed.”
“But other than that, you two usually keep a deck apart.”
He sighed again. “It’s all so stupid.” Opening his eyes again, he looked at Garrus, “What am I supposed to tell her? ‘I’m sorry again for being an ass. Let’s hang out in a place with fewer bullets’?”
Garrus pushed away from the table, “Well, that sounds like a start.”
oOo
“Alright, EDI, what behavior do you find curious?”
“How is it possible for two people to exhibit similar behavior at the same time when they are not near each other?”
Shepard looked up at the ceiling for something to focus on while she talked to the ship’s AI, “Perhaps I need some context.”
“You and the Major.”
“EDI… I don’t think this is a good time f—wait, we are acting the same?”
There was a long pause that made her chest squeeze. Finally, EDI spoke. “You have both been tossing and turning and pacing around your respective quarters. Also, the both of you have been staring at elevator doors without actually entering the elevator.”
Shepard rested her forehead in her hands. Was Kaidan just as stirred up as she was? Who was she kidding, of course he was. Over-thinking, analytical Kaidan. “I don’t know, EDI. You didn’t ask Major Alenko…did you?” There was another pause. “EDI, tell me you didn’t.”
“No. I considered it, but Jeff thought it would be a bad idea, that he might not be aware that I can see him in his quarters.”
Shit. She had forgotten to remind EDI to not do that. “Yeah, that might freak him out. Could you please not actively monitor the starboard observation room? Kaidan is still sore about the whole Cerberus thing and I don’t want him to think he’s being spied on.”
“Of course, Shepard. Switching to emergency monitoring.”
Shepard sighed softly with relief, “Thank you, EDI.”
“You are welcome, Shepard. But you have not answered my question. When I asked Jeff, all he did was shake his head and say, ‘Horizon’. This was the colony that you tried to save from the Collector attack; I did not understand what effect that would have on your behavior.”
She was going to kill Joker. Kill him. “Kaidan was stationed on Horizon when the Collectors hit. It, uh…wasn’t a happy reunion.”
“I see. So Major Alenko’s distrust of Cerberus is what is causing this behavior?”
Shepard honestly didn’t know how to explain this to the AI. “That’s part of it. There were some things that were said. And some things that needed to be said, but weren’t. It’s complicated, EDI.”
“Given your past relationship, one would think you two would be happy to be working together again.”
“Well, we are. Or, rather, I am. It’s good to have Kaidan back on the crew. I just haven’t figured out everything else yet. My feelings have taken a backseat to the war, which is probably where they should stay right now.” That was the best explanation that Shepard could put together. Her priorities had to be in order; too much was riding on her.
“I understand the hierarchy of your priorities, Shepard. However, given the state of your biometrics, you could benefit from a little…happiness.”
An amused smirk spread across Shepard’s lips, “You giving me love advice, EDI?”
“You once told me that no one fell in love without being a little brave.”
She honestly couldn’t believe she was talking about this with her ship. But hell, the Normandy was just as much a part of her as anything else, so why not? She’s done crazier things. “So I need to be brave then? I thought blasting my way through a pack of husks was pretty brave.”
“That is different.”
Shepard egged her on, “Is it? How so?”
“Your valor in battle was never called into question, Shepard. The galaxy is well aware of how you handle yourself in a fight. However, your handling of your feelings for the Major are affecting your concentration, heart rate, and sleeping patterns. And his biometrics are showing indications of the same afflictions.”
One more push, she couldn’t help it. “So, Kaidan is just as lovelorn, then? Why can’t he be the brave one?”
“From what I observe, he is trying to be. The Major seems to be a man of conscious, and is trying to step lightly. It is likely he does not want to upset the balance of the crew.”
She stood up and stretched her arms. “That sounds like Kaidan. Your observations of human behavior are quite astute, EDI.”
“Thank you.”
“Did I answer your question?” She picked the model cruiser up from the couch and set it back inside the display case, waiting for EDI to answer.
“Yes. I have been researching behavior patterns of humans that are in love and I needed a confirmation of my findings.”
Shepard chuckled, “And just what did I confirm?”
“You confirmed that ‘can’t eat and can’t sleep’ is a viable response to feelings of affection. And also, several member of the crew have been quietly plotting to lock you in a room with Major Alenko to ‘settle’ your problems. I wasn’t sure if this was an appropriate action. But now, I see the reason behind it.”
“Why is that?”
“Your heart rate has increased by 6% since we began our conversation. If your heart rate continues at this increase for a sustained period of time, you will have to visit Dr. Chakwas in the med bay. If it will relieve your blood pressure, I will have to agree with isolating you and him until you have reached a point of resolution.”
“So you came to this conclusion for my health?”
“No. I came to this conclusion because you are my…friend, Shepard. You believed in my relationship with Jeff. Assisting you with your relationship is the appropriate thing to do.”
oOo
Kaidan stood up and paced aimlessly across the deck. “You know, Garrus, I kept meaning to thank you.”
Garrus cocked his head to the side, “For what?”
He pulled in a deep breath, “For being there for Shepard. Not leaving her alone. You’re a better man than I am.”
“Well, I’m not going to argue who is the better man. I believe humans would call that a ‘pissing contest’. But, you don’t need to thank me. I was in a position to help, so I did. You and I both know that she is more than capable of handling herself.”
“Yeah, I know. It just makes me feel better to know that she had a friend.”
The turian walked over to Kaidan and firmly turned him towards the door. “Yeah, but right now, I think she could use more than a friend. Tell her you’re sorry again and push past it. For real this time. It’s getting really hard to work with the two of you, and we all need clear heads if we are going to pull this off.” The battery door hissed open. “Might I suggest some music and a bottle of wine? I hear women like that.”
Kaidan laughed. It was a genuine laugh, and it felt good. “Alright, alright, I’m going.”
“Good. That’s enough love advice from me. I need to get back to something I’m good at, like calibrating this gun so it can kick some reaper ass.” And with a small flick of his mandibles, Garrus turned away, letting the door shut behind him.
‘Love advice from a turian. Well, this has turned out to be quite the night.’ Kaidan was feeling a little more relaxed than he did before, walking back towards the starboard observation deck. He stopped in the hall and looked over at the elevator again. ‘Maybe she’s still up. I can invite her for lunch for the next time we go to the Citadel. Yeah, that’s what I am going to do. Sleep can wait another ten minutes.’
oOo
“Thanks, EDI. Pointing out my ‘curious’ behavior has given me something to think about.” Shepard kicked off her boots and leaned against her desk. “Kaidan and I should really just sit down and talk.”
“I think that would be beneficial to all parties.”
“Good night, EDI.”
“Good night, Shepard.”
She looked down at her feet for a long moment. Maybe she could call him up to her cabin, have a quick chat just to calm everything down. Just as she turned to her comm, she heard the buzz that told her that someone just came up to her deck.
Shepard walked to the door and pushed the holo-button to open it. “Kaidan!”
Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck and looked around nervously, “I hope I didn’t wake you.”
She shook her head, perhaps a little too vigorously than needed, “No, not at all. I have been having a little trouble sleeping.”
“Yeah, a lot of that going around it seems. Listen, Com… Alice. I know we are going to be going back to the Citadel in the next couple of days. Would you like to join me for lunch, give us a chance to talk? Really talk.”
She had no idea where the grin came from, but there was nothing she could do to stop it, “Yeah, Kaidan. I’d like that.”