Work Text:
The Ghost of You
The weeks that followed Gwyn’s death were rough, especially on TK. Grief is relentless. TK tried to move on, distracting himself with work and going to NA meetings. Sometimes it helped and sometimes it took all his energy to get out of bed. During one of his therapy sessions his therapist explained grief in a way that made it easier to understand but not any easier to deal with.
He had told TK to “Imagine there’s a room. The only thing in the room is a big red button on the wall, that when you press it, will make you feel pain. Now grief… Grief is a ball. And in the beginning the ball of grief is so big it fills the whole room and it constantly presses against the pain button. Over time, as you move on, the ball will shrink and move around more and only occasionally hit the button.”
TK had liked the image it gave him and after he’s explained this theory to Carlos and his dad, it had made it so much easier to communicate how he was feeling. And they understood.
But on top of dealing with his grief, TK also had to confront the fact that he had almost relapsed. That he had made the conscious decision to get high and not feel it all. And with that came having to come clean to Carlos. After the champagne incident and telling Carlos he was an addict, his addiction had never been a big deal in their relationship. TK was clean and he’d had it under control. He didn’t mind when people drank around him and they all knew why he didn’t drink.
He thought Carlos would be mad at him for almost blowing it all up again. But Carlos, with his infinite patience, just talked it through with him and then wrapped him up in his arms. TK really didn’t know how he ended up so lucky or what he did to deserve Carlos. But TK saw that it did seem to affect Carlos more than he was letting on. He checked in with him more and noticed that their first aid stash at the loft seemed emptier. Suddenly void of even ibuprofen and over the counter cold meds. It stung a little bit but TK also knew how Carlos’ mind worked, he trusted TK but also did not want to be the one who had mindlessly brought something into the house that could lead to a relapse.
~*~*
Eventually time passed and their lives went back to their normal routine. The ball of grief was still there, still pretty big, hitting the pain button at random moments throughout the day. But TK had started to learn how to live with the pain.
It has been a couple of months since the missed funeral when things changed. They were just getting ready to go to bed, Carlos already in bed with his glasses on finishing a chapter in his detective’s learning guide, while TK walks around the loft turning off all the lights and setting the alarm system. When he’s done, he returns to the bedroom and slides the bedroom door closed behind him.
Carlos huffs out a small laugh.
“What?” TK asks, turning towards his boyfriend.
“Nothing. I just love your little quirks.” TK frowns.
“What quirk? I didn’t do anything.” Carlos puts his book aside and places his glasses on the nightstand as TK walks closer.
“You always make sure the bedroom door is fully shut. Even at the old townhouse. We live alone. It’s not like someone would see us.”
“And that’s quirky?” TK asked, settling into bed next to Carlos.
“Maybe a little? I just think it’s cute. You’re cute” Carlos planted a kiss on TK’s check before spooning up behind him, wrapping his arm around TK.
“I don’t know. I have never liked leaving the bedroom door open. I know no one else is here and we have an alarm, but it just feels too… open. If that makes sense.” TK explained. Carlos pulled him closer and kissed the back of his neck.
“As long as you’re comfortable, that’s all that matters. Sleep tight, I love you!” he mumbled, breath tickling the hairs at the back of TK’s neck.
“I love you, too” and moments later they both drifted off to sleep.
~*~*
A few hours later the bedroom was quiet, the only sound Carlos’ snuffling beaths as he slept, which would eventually turn into tiny snores. TK was curled on his side in a way he was almost facing the foot of the bed, his eyes opened blearily. He wasn’t sure what had pulled him from sleep but he was pretty sure something had. Mind still foggy and eyelids glued together by sleep he let his eyes roam a little through the dark.
They stopped at the bedroom door. It was open.
The gap was maybe only 2 or 3 inches but TK was sure he had closed it last night. He always closed the bedroom door. Usually, he would get up and close it again, thinking maybe Carlos got up to use the bathroom and didn’t close it properly on his way back. But something kept him in bed. He was still very sleepy and so warm and comfortable in bed. It was like something calming spread over him, making him not worry about something that would usually annoy him into wakefulness.
And that’s when he saw it.
An eye. Half a face, framed by brown curls. Looking at him.
His mother was there, on the other side of the bedroom door, just looking at him through the gap. She didn’t move or say anything. Her face a little curious but worried.
This should worry him. His mom was dead. He should not be seeing her. But there was still this calm blanketing him as he took a long look at her. Something in him knew it would probably be his last look at her and he wanted that worry to disappear from her brow.
“I’m okay, mom” he mumbled, not breaking eye contact. She looked at him for a moment longer, smiled a gentle smile, and then vanished.
One part of him wanted to jump out of bed and follow her but his eyelids were still heavy, his mind foggy. Before he could think about it for too long, he was asleep.
~*~*
The next morning TK woke with his face pressed into Carlos’ chest. The more he came out of his slumber, the more he remembered about last night. It must have been a dream. His mom was dead and ghosts didn’t exist. He had to admit though, this morning he felt lighter than he had in weeks. So he was grateful for that weird but beautiful dream.
He started to stretch his limps, working out all the kinks from the weird positions he sleeps in most of the time. When he finally did open his eyes, he sat up and gasped. The door was open a crack.
Carlos must have heard his gasp because he mumbled “Are you okay?”, with his eyes closed and still half asleep, a hand coming up to run down TK’s back anyway.
“Yeah… yeah, I’m fine” but he couldn’t take his eyes off the door. This couldn’t be, right? He did close the door, Carlos had commented about it. Of this he was sure. But then how was the door open?
“Hey babe?”, he turned to his boyfriend who had started to fall asleep again.
“Hmm?”
“Did you go to the bathroom or get up during the night?” he asked. This had to be the explanation, right?
“No, slept like a baby” was the mumbled reply. “Why?”
TK’s breath hitched. “Nothing… just thought you may have.”
The tone of TK’s voice is what finally brought Carlos out of his morning slumber. He sat up and looked at his boyfriend.
“What’s going on? Are you okay?” he asked, concern written all over his face.
“Yeah… yeah, it’s nothing. I’m okay” TK answered, eyes still not leaving the door.
“TK?” Carlos said in a warning tone. TK could feel his eyes staring at him. He sighed.
“You’re gonna think it’s stupid” his fingers picking at the bedding, trying to avoid Carlos’ eyes. Carlos lifted his face up with a finger under his chin.
“Try me.” Tk looked into his boyfriend’s eyes for a moment. They were in full-on “cow mode” as he liked to say. Just so full of love and trust.
“I think I saw my mom last night.” There, he said it. Carlos’s eyebrows furrowed and created that cute little V right between them. But he was still not judging.
“What? Like, as a ghost? Does Judaism include the believe in ghosts?” now TK frowned.
“Not ghosts, no… but there is mention of spirits in various ways. But does this have to be something religious? Can’t this just… be?”. It’s been too long since he’s been to Hebrew school but he wasn’t that religious anyway. This felt more spiritual not religious.
“Of course. Tell me more?” Carlos questioned. TK settled in more comfortably and took Carlos’ hand, playing with his fingers.
“I woke up in the middle of the night. I was comfortable and warm. I felt unusually calm and at peace. I knew something had woken me up but I didn’t know what. I just knew I wanted to stay warm and comfortable in bed. Then my eyes fell on the door and it was open like it is now. I closed it last night, right?” he paused, looking at Carlos who nodded. “And suddenly, I swear mom was on the other side of the door, looking through the crack. She didn’t do anything or say anything. She was just there, looking at me. And Carlos… I don’t know… something just gave me the feeling like she was there to check up on me. To make sure that I was alright after everything. I don’t even know if I believe in spirits lingering around and moving on and all that… but that’s what it felt like. Like she was there to make sure I was okay enough for her to finally leave for good.” He looked at Carlos, trying to read his thoughts on his face. But it was blank.
“And then she just left?” he asked.
“Kinda… I looked at her and told her that I was okay. Then she smiled and vanished. Before I could think about it too much, I was asleep again.”
“It could have been a dream” Carlos said gently. TK hung his head.
“I know… and I know it’s the most likely scenario. As I said, I don’t even know if I believe in any of this…. But it didn’t feel like a dream. And look, the door is still open.” TK’s voice was a little bit desperate.
“Okay. I believe you” that, TK did not expect.
“You do?” he questioned.
“Yeah! I don’t know if I believe in any of this myself. But if this encounter helps you then I believe you. How do you feel this morning?” TK contemplated that question for a moment.
“I feel… lighter. Lighter than I have in weeks. The grief is still there but it’s not weighing me down as much.” Carlos smiled at him and kissed the side of his head.
“Then I am glad you both seem to have gotten what you needed” He slipped out of bed to get ready for the day. As Carlos reached the door and slid it open further, TK stopped him.
“Hey Carlos?” he said, making Carlos turn back around to him.
“Yeah?”
“The ball feels a lot smaller today”. They both smiled.