Chapter Text
Breathe, just breathe...
They were pushing him out of his room. TK was waking up, desperately grasping at his breathing tubes, and Carlos couldn’t be there to calm him down. They were pushing him out of the room. Did they even know how to keep TK calm? Did they know TK was a tactile person, that he needed calming and reassuring touches while they worked to get his breathing tube out? Carlos didn’t want to violate his boundaries earlier, but all he wanted to do right now was hold his hand. But they had pushed him out of the room!
He barely registered his mom joining him again, too focused on what was going on in the room where just a moment ago, he thought he’d be losing the love of his life in. Fragments of sentences uttered between the nurses and doctor working on TK were reaching him.
“Doctor, he’s fighting.”
“Oxygen saturation levels are stabilizing in the high 90’s”
TK was trying to breathe on his own. He is breathing on his own. No tubes. No artificial rise and fall of his chest. And Carlos couldn’t take his eyes off the bed as TK’s limbs stopped flailing and the whirlwind activity in his room started to calm down. But the doctor and nurses were still blocking him from getting a proper look at his face. Carlos needed to see him. Needed to see him properly. Needed to be closer so he’d be able to see the color and warmth return to his body. He needed to see for his brain to process what his heart already knew. So he stood there, watching through watery eyes, waiting for a glimpse. The only thing grounding him right now, keeping him from storming back into the room was his mom’s hand on his shoulder. Her nails digging in deep as she, too, was watching the flurry of activity while running the rosary through her other hand.
He didn’t know how long he was standing there watching and waiting. Time had lost all meaning from the moment he had gotten the news from Nancy. But the moment TK had started fighting the breathing tubes, time had simultaneously sped up and slowed down. It may only have been minutes later when the doctor finally waved him back into the room but it had also been the longest wait of Carlos’ life.
As he slowly, deliberately, made his way back to the side of the bed where he had kept vigil for the last few hours, last few days, he couldn’t keep his eyes off TK’s face. He looked uncomfortable, like he was suppressing the pain he was actually feeling. But when Carlos finally reached the bed and TK opened his eyes a little, and a breathy “Hey baby” reached his ears. Time definitely stood still.
From the moment he took his place by TK’s bedside and heard the doctor’s grim prognosis, he thought the last thing he would ever hear coming from the love of his life would be the hissing sounds of the vent pushing air into his lungs, keeping him alive. But now there was no hissing. Just ragged breaths coming out of his own lungs. Breaths showing him that he was alive. Breaths showing that he fought his way back. Breaths…
“Breathe. Breathe, babe!”
And the next thing he knew Carlos was taking a ragged breath in, shoulders shaking, body rigid. When had he even stopped breathing? He couldn’t focus, fingers twitching as he looked down at TK. But when he saw his hand reaching for him, trying to form that connection, looking for comfort, he couldn’t hold himself back any longer. He did what he had longed to do for so long, he grabbed TK’s hand and held on for dear life. He thought he may have heard another breathy “I love you” from TK but he couldn’t be sure. Not that it mattered. Breathing became easier the moment they touched and he gasped out a few more breaths as he moved their joined hands to TK’s chest and tried to match their breathing. Instead, all he could feel was the steady thumpthumpthump of TK’s heart and the last of his walls crumbled.
He moved closer and ran his free hand through TK’s soft hair. Touched his face, kissed his cheek, buried his face in TK’s neck while he cradled his head. He just melted into him, needing as much contact as possible. It seemed like the right thing because he could feel TK pulling him close, could feel his hand digging into the shoulder his mom had clutched just minutes earlier, his sweater stretching across his back. He just kept his face smushed into TK’s neck, breathing him in. The smell of hospital was strong but there was also something so distinctively TK coming through, he couldn’t move away.
Eventually TK’s grip on him loosened and he could feel his hands moving across his back and scratching along the short hairs at the back of his neck.
“Carlos… I’m sorry… I…” TK’s breathing was still uneven and ragged. Carlos lifted his head a little and looked into his eyes. TK still couldn’t open them fully and they kept drooping as he tried to focus on Carlos.
“Sssh, it’s okay. You don’t have to say anything right now. Just rest.” Carlos moved his finger along TK’s eyebrows, gently smoothing out the little wrinkle between them.
“But, there’s… so much… so much I should have said… and…” Now there was a finger on TK’s lips.
“We can talk later. We will talk later. But I need you to get stronger first, so rest.” Carlos reluctantly untangled himself from TK and tried to retreat back to his chair but TK grabbed his hand again and held on with a strength that was surprising in his condition.
“Don’t go!” TK rasped, almost begged, his eyes wider than they have been since he woke up, pleading with him.
“I won’t”, he said as he pulled the chair closer and held TK’s hand in both of his, gently running his lips over his knuckles. TK was sinking back into the bed, like he was finally giving up the fight with his body to stay awake. Carlos could see he was drifting off when he heard a soft “’Los?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you…” TK mumbled, breath a little more ragged again with the uncertainty of how Carlos would react. He kissed the back of TK’s hand and slung his left arm over TK’s legs.
“Breathe… I love you, too! Just breathe and sleep. I’ll be here.” When TK finally fell asleep and Carlos looked at him. There was still so much that had to be said between them. But now they had a chance to figure it all out. The universe was giving them another chance and Carlos swore he would use it this time. They would talk and figure this out.
He took one more deep breath and released it, putting his head down against TK’s thighs. With the weight of the last few days, months even, falling off his shoulders he closed his eyes and finally fell asleep himself.