Chapter Text
LEBANON, KANSAS
“DEAN, hurry up !”
Dean groaned as he sprinted from the parking lot of Singer’s Auto to Charlie’s still-moving car. He could see his little sister practically hanging out the driver’s window as she slowed on her approach, but did not stop. As a winded Dean managed to pull the passenger door open and launch himself inside, she turned up the volume on the radio.
“Ladies and the one gentleman who clearly found the wrong radio station, you are in LUCK today! In just 15 short minutes, we will have Castiel Novak himself here, live in Times Square, to perform his brand new single, ‘Wishful Thinking’! We know what you ladies are wishing for right about now … Live for Teen Weekly, this is Chuck Shurley!”
Charlie scoffed as she stepped on the gas, causing Dean to clutch the safety handle out of habit. He’d taught Charlie to drive, and the bad habits she picked up from him were a lot less funny when he wasn’t the one in control. “Ladies this, ladies that … heteronormative much?”
Dean chuckled. “Charlie, he’s probably right. I’ve gotta be in the minority of Castiel Novak fans.”
“You don’t know that, Dean! How many other Deans are out there, bursting with excitement right now because the love of their life --”
“I wouldn’t go that far.”
“-- the LOVE of their LIFE is going to be singing directly to them in, oh, 13 minutes?”
Dean grasped the handle tighter as Charlie sped through what could generously be called a yellow light. He knew there were other older male fans of Castiel’s out there, if the replies to Castiel’s rare shirtless Instagram pictures were any indication. But it didn’t change the fact that most of Cas’ marketing pandered to teenage girls, and it didn’t make going to his concerts without Charlie any less awkward.
Stopped at a red light, Dean turned up Charlie’s radio to full blast as one of his favorite Castiel Novak hits played. He sang along, badly, as the mom in the SUV next to them stared. Noticing her reaction, Dean gave her a wink and a wave as Charlie floored it when the light changed. Dean had to admit it was pretty funny to watch other drivers’ reactions to a guy who looked straight out of a punk rock band blasting Castiel Novak. He’d once nearly caused a collision when the truck driver checking out his ‘67 Impala realized the heavily tattooed man with multiple ear piercings behind the wheel was listening to a playlist that segued “Enter Sandman” directly into “Handprint on My Heart.” So sue him, the songs worked together.
Charlie made a hair-raising turn into their driveway while Bobby watched from the porch, amused. As she somehow managed to hit the brakes just before slamming headlong into the garage door, Bobby grimaced.
Charlie yelled an apology as she gathered her things and ran for the door. “I’m so sorry, Bobby, but Castiel Novak is on in --”
“Four minutes,” Bobby drawled, his mouth twitching into a small smile. “I have the TV all queued up.”
As Charlie barreled past Bobby into the house, Dean followed, attempting to play it cool as he speedwalked from the driveway. Their father had always found Dean’s Castiel Novak obsession hilarious considering Dean’s second favorite musical act was Led Zeppelin, but Bobby always made sure to support him. Dean’s 18th birthday was made all the more memorable by Bobby surprising him with a pair of tickets to see Castiel and his old band The Hellraisers. The seats were nosebleeds, but Dean would never forget seeing Castiel in a stadium for the first time. Six years later, Bobby still dutifully bought every gossip magazine with Castiel’s face on it that he saw at the local Gas-n-Sip, even when Dean begged him not to.
As Dean reached Bobby, the older man chuckled as he patted Dean’s shoulder. “Have fun watching your boy, Dean. I’ll be out back working if you need me.”
Dean nodded, then raced to the couch. Charlie turned the volume up as Chuck Shurley appeared on the screen, live in Times Square with a massive crowd behind him. Not for the first time, Dean lamented the fact that he lived in Lebanon instead of somewhere exciting like New York or Los Angeles. Of course, that would require him to actually do something about leaving Lebanon, which was a no-go. Chuck turned to the camera and launched into his promo.
“Hello everyone, and welcome back to Chuck’s Countdown ! The time has come to introduce my guest, but --” Chuck gestured to the wall of screaming girls behind him, “--He clearly doesn’t need one.”
Charlie rolled her eyes. “God, I hate that they always get Chuck to host these things.”
Dean grunted in agreement as Chuck rattled off Castiel’s accomplishments. Number one hits, number one albums, one of the highest grossing tours ever for a male solo artist, not to mention his achievements as part of The Hellraisers. Dean could recite his Wikipedia page by memory at this point.
Chuck was practically vibrating as he finally reached the end of his spiel. “And now, Times Square, please give a big welcome to Castiel Novak!”
Charlie punched Dean on the arm. “There he is!”
Dean couldn’t help the smile that sprang to his face when Castiel appeared on screen. Castiel’s cherry leather jacket set off his eyes perfectly, and his trademark smirk was out in full force. As Castiel launched into a performance of “Wishful Thinking,” Dean settled back into the couch. The new single was upbeat, and Dean could already tell he’d be singing along with his Baby’s windows down.
Castiel finished the song and settled into a director’s chair for an interview as the crowd roared. Chuck could barely get a word in over the screaming, which only settled when Castiel picked up his own microphone. “Hello, everyone.”
The two words were enough to set off another crowd spiral as Chuck steered the conversation to discussing Castiel’s latest EP. Charlie sighed in frustration from the recliner as Chuck droned on. “Yes, yes, Castiel is dreamy, sings like an angel, now where is my girl?”
Dean turned to face her. “Hey, don’t rain on my Castiel parade. I’m sure Meg’ll be out any second now.”
Charlie pouted. “You know, she’s a very talented actress in her own right. She’s not just Castiel Novak’s girlfriend. Chuck never gives her enough respect.”
As if on cue, Chuck gestured towards the edge of the stage. “Now, this single is special for a few reasons, but one reason we’re excited about it is to see Meg Masters star in the video for it with you!” The crowd cheered, albeit less than they did for Castiel, as Meg made her grand entrance.
Dean had never minded Meg the way some other fans did. Sure, she could be a bit abrasive at times, and it was clear she hated the negative attention she got from certain fans. But if someone else had to date Castiel, at least it was someone who clearly cared about him. Meg might be scary, but she was also scary-good at protecting Castiel.
Charlie sighed happily, hugging her pillow. “She’s beautiful.”
Dean snorted. “Meg could show up wearing a paper bag and you’d still say she looked gorgeous.”
Charlie shot him a glare. “If Castiel showed up in a paper bag you’d melt into the couch. Remember that Calvin Klein ad?”
Dean’s face was a deep shade of pink as he remembered the look on Bobby’s face when Charlie had presented Dean with a full size poster of that photo shoot. Seeking a change in subject, he turned his attention back to the TV. Chuck was promoting some horror movie Meg was set to appear in as she tried to get a word in edgewise.
Castiel leaned forward, interrupting Chuck’s train of thought as a grateful Meg grasped his hand. “I hate to interrupt, Chuck, but I believe the people are waiting here for a reason.”
Screams again erupted from the crowd, and Chuck laughed, throwing his hands up. “Well, Castiel, you’re right. Would you like to do the honors?”
Castiel turned to the camera as Meg winked at him. “This video for ‘Wishful Thinking’ means a lot to me, and I’m so excited to share it with all of you.”
Unable to contain himself, Chuck interrupted, “And for those who made the trip out here or raced home from school to watch on TV -- we have an extra special announcement for you after the premiere!”
Dean’s mind raced with the possibilities. Could it be a tour? Or a new album? But his attention was captured by the music video now playing on the screen.
“Wishful Thinking” was so sickly sweet that if Castiel wasn’t the star, Dean would have puked into the nearest trash can. As Castiel sang about making his date’s wishes come true while walking Meg through a carnival, Dean couldn’t help but picture himself in Meg’s place. What would it feel like to be holding hands with his boyfriend, getting dizzy on rides and kissing at the top of a Ferris wheel? Everyone who mattered to him in Lebanon (and plenty who didn’t) knew about his bisexuality. As far as he was concerned, it wasn’t a secret he needed to hide. But just because he was out and proud, didn’t mean others were, and he often felt like a third wheel when Charlie attempted to drag him to queer events in the greater Lebanon area. It didn’t help that finding partners who weren’t turned off by his bisexuality was a struggle.
The few times he’d attempted to seriously shoot his shot with a guy aside from random hookups, his patented Winchester charm had failed him as he’d fallen flat on his face. Plus, a lot of women had a problem being with a guy who had also been with other guys. His last girlfriend Cassie hadn’t minded at all, which was refreshing, but she had this annoying habit of expecting more from him than looking pretty and cracking jokes.
He was sure the piercings and the tattoo sleeves of colorful monsters didn’t quite give the “ready to settle down” vibes his dates were looking for. Those, combined with his “take me or leave me” mentality towards dating, made him a tough pill to swallow. None of his other dates had ever made him feel like anything more than a fun detour before they found their serious love. Cassie had been the closest, but even she had moved on eventually, pursuing her dreams as a reporter in New York City when she got tired of Dean’s shit. Of course, there was Clarence, but even if Clarence ever managed to meet Dean in real life, he’d run for the hills just like everyone else.
Castiel’s songs made him feel like he could be someone other than Dean Winchester, son of the town drunk, doomed to be stuck in Lebanon forever. He saw Castiel and it made him think of Los Angeles sunshine, of freedom, of a life he only occasionally let himself daydream about. A life he’d rather be living than this one, but one he didn’t really have the guts to pursue. Can’t fail if there’s no realistic way to try in the first place .
Of course, it helps that Castiel is ridiculously hot , he thought to himself as Castiel offered that incredible jacket to Meg in the video and the audience got a glimpse of his biceps. In some ways, Dean Winchester was a simple man.
As the video ended, the feed turned back to Chuck, Castiel, and Meg. Meg and Castiel gazed at each other as Chuck turned to the camera, eager to reveal Castiel’s exclusive announcement. “For years, Castiel’s fans have shown up for him -- getting plane tickets to big cities for concerts or camping out at malls to get signed CDs. This time, he’s decided to bring the party to you!”
He paused for dramatic effect, and Dean and Charlie leaned forward in anticipation. “Castiel’s next video ‘Let Me Adore You’ is about small town sweethearts, so he’s heading to Everytown, USA to film it! He’ll perform a concert to premiere the single, and the video will be filmed in this mysterious town. This time, you will be a part of the story!”
Charlie leaned over to Dean, not taking her eyes off the screen. “Holy shit, Dean! What if it’s somewhere close by? Even if it’s a couple states over I’m sure we could dri --”
Dean shushed her by throwing his pillow at her head. “He’s still talking, hold on!”
Chuck, taking an eternity, turned to Castiel. “Should we tell them? I think we should tell them.” Castiel smiled indulgently, but Dean could see the impatience behind it. “And the lucky town about to be touched by an angel is … Lebanon, Kansas!”
Dean’s brain short circuited. He was pretty sure Charlie was attempting to say something, and he could feel her jumping up and down beside him, but he couldn’t hear her. He was suddenly back in the past, sitting on a bench at Riverside Mall ten years ago while his life shattered around him. The last time Castiel had been in Kansas, Dean’s life had changed for good, and it was a memory he held onto at his worst moments. He couldn’t conceive of seeing his world on screen with Castiel in it, not after all these years.
“DUDE!” Charlie’s voice broke through his haze. “Are you okay? This is huge!”
Dean tried to shake off the butterflies in his stomach as he faced Charlie. The excitement on her face should have helped calm his nerves, but instead it just made him nauseous. On the TV, Castiel and Meg waved goodbye as a website for casting extras flashed along the bottom of the screen.
Charlie lunged to grab her laptop out of her bag. “Oh, you are so going to send in your info. What if you got to be in the video? You’d finally get to see him up close!”
“Charlie …” Dean protested weakly. Charlie glanced at Dean’s face and immediately paused.
“Dean? What’s wrong? I thought you’d be thrilled.”
Dean didn’t know how to verbalize his anxiety in a way Charlie could understand. He’d never told anyone about that day. But she had to know something or Dean would never get out of this.
“Charlie … I have met Castiel before.”
Charlie’s jaw dropped. “What do you mean, you’ve met Castiel before? I know you’ve seen him in concert, but meeting him? When? How?”
“It was years ago now, right after The Hellraisers won So You Think You've Got Talent and did that mall tour. I was 17.”
Dean paused for a breath. Charlie had always been good about knowing when Dean’s silences needed to be filled with noise and when he needed space to process, and she patiently waited for him to gather himself.
He exhaled. “You remember how Sammy and I ended up with Bobby because John lost his cool in public and someone called the cops? Well, the reason he lost it is because he caught me and Sammy sneaking out to see The Hellraisers. He hated that I liked them, said I was a bad example for Sam and a lot worse. I told him I was taking Sam shopping for school supplies and he dropped us off there. We saw the concert, had a great time. But he showed up early to come get us and he realized what was going on. He was pissed I brought Sammy there, I’d never seen him so mad. I told Sammy to run while I faced Dad by myself.”
Charlie put her hand on Dean’s arm to steady him. “Oh, Dean.”
Dean kept talking, worried he’d never get it all out if he stopped. “All these people were staring. I felt like a freak. I felt someone yank on my arm, and I just followed them. I could hear Dad behind me, but I was too frantic to care. I ended up on this random bench near an escalator with no one else around. I couldn’t catch my breath. Suddenly I felt this hand on my shoulder, and when I looked up it was Castiel.”
Dean could remember it all so clearly: Castiel, looking concerned, staring at Dean. Dean’s heart rate slowing as he stared into those bright blue eyes. He should have been scared shitless, especially after what had just happened. But somehow those eyes radiated comfort and light.
Charlie’s eyes widened in disbelief. “Wait, Castiel NOVAK sat down next to you?”
Dean shrugged. “One minute I thought I was going to die outside a goddamn Hot Topic, the next minute the guy is standing next to me. He asked me if I was okay. I couldn’t even speak, Charles, my throat was so clogged up. I just shook my head no and he sat next to me. His hand never left my shoulder. Couldn’t have been more than ten minutes, but we just stayed on that bench. Neither of us said anything until the end.”
Charlie offered her hand, and Dean took it. “What did you say?”
“He was getting up, and I thanked him for saving me. I mean, what else do you say? This guy saw me go full crazy town and didn’t freak out, didn’t even flinch. Not to mention he was Castiel Novak and should have been off signing autographs or something.” Dean didn’t share what Castiel had said next. That was one memory he wanted to keep for himself.
Charlie sighed and leaned into Dean. “God, Dean, I’m so sorry that happened.”
Dean cleared his throat and looked away. “Well, you know, it was what got Sammy and I here with Bobby, and you, so I guess I don’t regret it. But … knowing he’s going to be here again? In freaking Lebanon ? It feels different than seeing him at a concert from a million rows away. I doubt he remembers it at all, but I sure do. I don’t think I could face seeing him again with him not knowing who I am.”
Charlie stared pointedly, and Dean sighed. “We met for five seconds on the worst day of my life. It’s just that he really did keep me from falling apart at that moment. And every time I hear one of his songs on the radio or watch one of his videos, it … it just calms me. Just like it did that day.”
Charlie grasped Dean’s shoulders and turned him to face her. “Dean, what if this is the universe telling you you need to go to this thing? To see Castiel again? What are the odds that ten years after you met, this completely random publicity stunt brings him back to Lebanon of all places?” Dean tried to protest, but Charlie continued. “If this was a Hallmark movie I would say it was unrealistic, dude. How is this your life?”
She picked up the laptop again and navigated to the casting website. “All they want is a picture, your vital stats, and what days you’d be available. You might not even get picked. But you need to give this a shot. I’ll even go with you for moral support!”
Dean could feel his resolve weakening, as it always seemed to when Charlie was involved. If he was being honest with himself, the idea of seeing Castiel again was getting less and less scary the more he thought about it. Even if Castiel didn’t remember him -- and Dean was sure he wouldn’t -- he might get the chance to thank him, to tell him what that gesture had meant and what his music made him feel now. Fuck it.
“Fine, I’m in,” he heard himself saying just before all five feet five inches of Charlie barreled into him with a squeal. He accepted the hug, then turned to face the laptop. The information was basic enough, and it seemed to Dean that they were definitely looking for certain types. Charlie insisted on taking a good headshot for Dean despite his insistence that his grainy Facebook profile photo would be fine. Charlie insisted on several outfit changes, laying out what seemed like his entire wardrobe on his bed to mix and match his admittedly limited clothing options.
As she chanted, “Montage! Montage!” in a desperate attempt to get Dean to try on each look, the front door opened downstairs. Sam was home from his law internship, and he ran upstairs with enough energy to shake the staircase.
He burst in the door, excitement written all over his face. “Dean! Was Charlie kidding? Castiel Novak is coming to Lebanon?”
Dean turned to Charlie with a raised eyebrow. She sheepishly lowered her arms from their cheering position. “Look, Dean, I couldn’t not tell him, okay? Especially since we need him on Operation Notting Hill.”
Dean snorted. “Operation Notting Hill?”
Sam smiled proudly. “The name was my idea, actually. Seems appropriate for the mission, you know?” He winked. “Better start practicing your ‘I’m just a boy standing in front of a girl’ speech.”
Dean had the distinct feeling that he should be annoyed by all the meddling, but he could never be mad at Charlie and Sam for long. Plus, resistance was futile if they were both on his case. Relentless, these two. “Okay fine, as long as you both know you’re delusional. Recognizing you have a problem is the first step to getting help.”
Dean walked over to Charlie’s laid out options and picked up his gray Henley and his nicest pair of jeans. “These’ll do.”
Sam groaned. “ These’ll do ? C’mon man, I think the love of your life deserves a more put together look than that.”
“For the last time. He is not. The love. Of my life.”
“Tell that to the giant scrapbook you used to have under your --”
“GUYS.” Charlie stepped between them. “Now is not the time for this. We still have a headshot to take that will make some bored intern in this casting agency move you to the yes pile. Let’s focus up.”
Dean mumbled, “Bitch,” as Sam responded with his customary, “Jerk.” Charlie took the opportunity to shove Dean towards the bathroom to change. When he emerged, she started fussing with his hair. Dean could feel the heat of embarrassment on his neck.
Sam barely held in a laugh at Dean’s discomfort. “Gosh, look at Barbie Beautiful over here.” He smirked. “You know what, I think you should wear your ‘Posse Magnet’ shirt. I feel like that’ll really sell the whole look.”
Sam ducked out of the way just in time to avoid Dean’s fist aiming for his shoulder. “Hey, that’s my nice suit, Dean!”
Charlie cast her eyes heavenward in exasperation. “Boys.”
She appraised Dean and nodded to herself in satisfaction. Feeling uncomfortable with all the attention on his looks, Dean deflected. “I never thought my lesbian kid sister would be the one to She’s All That me.”
Charlie rolled her eyes. “I have eyes and straight friends, I know what they look for. And if it works for the straight women of Lebanon it’s good enough for Mr. Dreamy Novak.” Her eyes lit up. “Ohhh, I know what’s missing!” She unbuttoned the top two buttons of his Henley.
Dean swatted her hand away. “Hey!”
Charlie frowned. “Dean, I have seen all the teen movies, okay? This is the part where we get you ready for the big dance, metaphorically speaking.” She adjusted his collar so a hint of skin was showing. “And for this to work, we’ve got to play a little dirty.”
Sam winked. “Metaphorically speaking?”
This time Dean’s shove found its target, and Sam let out a surprised “oof” as he hit the hallway carpet. Charlie laughed and picked up her phone. Dean reluctantly let himself be maneuvered into position for what felt like a photo shoot as Sam offered “helpful” suggestions from a safe distance. Once Charlie settled on her favorite shot (featuring Dean flashing a look Sam dubbed “Blue Steel”), she attached it to his application and sent it in. The website said they should hear either way in the next week, with the shoot scheduled to take place in a month’s time. Charlie and Sam were excited, but Dean felt his anxiety creep in again.
That night, he opened his laptop, hoping to see that Clarence was online. He needed to talk to someone who knew nothing about Castiel Novak and everything about Dean. When he sent an introductory “u up?” message, Clarence wrote back right away.
Dean knew this was a dumb lie, but no way was he admitting to his coolest friend that he listened to Castiel Novak music, not to mention that he was also trying to be in the guy’s video.
Dean closed his laptop, feeling better after talking with Clarence. They’d met years ago in Wayward Love, a Discord server for queer young adults looking to connect with each other and find older mentors. Dean and Charlie had started it after comparing stories about their respective coming out experiences and realizing they’d both had to hunt for information in secret without knowing any queer people to talk to. Charlie had been on Discord for a bit due to her passion for gaming, and she was the first of the two of them to realize how it could fit into their plans. It was totally anonymous and had moderators who were out and wanted to answer questions from people, especially teens, who were questioning or just couldn’t be out at home.
Dean loved being able to take care of his “kids” this way, not wanting another person to feel as alone as he had felt when he was trying to figure out what the hell his sexuality was. They raised all kinds of money for queer charities with game nights and fundraisers, like the one they currently had going for The Trevor Project. Sure, the fundraiser had maybe $100 in it, but it was better than nothing. Wayward was a great place to just be able to talk with people like himself without any pressure or expectations. Lebanon and the area around it ostensibly had a queer community, but without Charlie to help him navigate it, it was just too overwhelming. Wayward was somewhere he felt safe.
Clarence had joined early on, and he and Dean had bonded quickly due to their shared love of music, though their tastes couldn’t be more different. Dean would never tell Mr. “Music Today Is Just So Cookie-Cutter, Dean” that he was a Hellraisers fan. Clarence was also slightly older than their usual crowd, which made him feel less like someone in need of mentoring and more like someone who needed a friend.
As time had passed, they had moved their chats to their DMs, though they still didn’t know much about each other’s offline lives. Neither shared their last name or location, and with Clarence traveling so often it was hard to pin down where home actually was for him based on clues alone. He was also secretive about his job, only telling Dean that he wasn’t allowed to get into specifics about his work (which did not help the James Bond fantasy Dean had going). But they shared just about everything else, like Dean’s dreams of restoring classic cars for a living and Clarence’s worries about being out at work. When Dean had gone through his breakup with Cassie, Clarence was the one who messaged him every day to check in. He had even created a playlist of songs he knew Dean would love to cheer him up. Dean wished for the millionth time that Clarence lived somewhere close.
Aside from Sam and Charlie, Clarence was his best friend. He always knew what to say to make Dean feel at ease. Unlike Dean, he had a solid plan for his life and a thriving career. When Clarence complimented him or said he valued his advice, it made Dean feel like he should try to live up to how Clarence saw him. Sight unseen, he just knew the guy was amazing, probably a bigwig executive based on the amount of travel he did and how many secrets he had to keep.
Sometimes it seemed like he and Clarence were on the precipice of something more than friendship, with Clarence’s not-quite-flirting and Dean’s excessive emoji use he reserved only for Clarence. But who was Dean kidding -- even if Clarence lived across the street, Dean didn’t have a shot in hell. Clarence was one of those guys who was so far out of Dean’s league, he was playing a different sport. Better for Clarence to remain a name on a screen. At least then, Dean would never have to know how it felt for Clarence to reject him.