Chapter Text
In a dark bedroom, slept a man- no, boy- who was currently trying to ignore the sound of his alarm clock.
“Ugh, I don’t even remember setting one, please shut up..”
Reaching over to grab his phone, his hand grasps nothing but an old clock.
“Huh?” Opening his eyes, he glances down at the object in hand, “I haven’t owned a clock in years..”
Glancing around, he blearily tried to take in his surroundings before yelping, “This is my old bedroom, what am I doing here?” Cautiously standing up from his bed, he narrowed his eyes as he looked around more.
“We sold this house years ago, why is it.. Why am I..?” Glancing down, he noticed his arm was in an all too familiar cast, before horror dawned on him.
“Oh no..”
“So, you just decided not to eat last night?”
Heidi stood in the doorway, holding the money she had left on the counter before she went to work the day before. Evan stared at her, mouth opening and closing, trying to remember what he had said all those years ago.
“I- uh, I wasn’t.. hungry.”
His mom sighed, pocketing the money in her scrubs, “You’re a senior in high school now, Evan. You need to be able to order for yourself now,” She took a seat on the bed, motioning for him to sit next to her. He continued to stand.
“You can do it all online now,you don’t even have to talk to anyone.”
Evan rubbed his hands- hand- on his pants, “Well, that’s not really true, you have to talk to the delivery person and, well it’s a whole thing-”
“See, this is what you’re supposed to be working on, Evan. With Dr. Sherman? Talking, to real people.”
Inwardly, he sighed. This conversation was dragging on, and it’s been years since he spoke to his mom. He couldn’t tell if he was happy to see her, or irritated by the conversation at hand. It’s been years since his anxiety really hindered his life, but being back? In this body? Suddenly, he felt like he was seventeen all over again, not just physically.
“I know, I know. I’m going to do better,”
Heidi smiled, cleaning up the place while she spoke, “I know you are, which is why I made your appointment moved up to today!”
He just wanted to get this over with, so he just walked over to her, and hugged her. She immediately stopped talking, most likely surprised from the physical touch he initiated. In this time, it’s been years since he willingly gave or showed affection, especially to her.
Breaking away from the hug, he stared for a moment, “.. Okay, I’m going to school now, bye!”
“Wh- Evan, wait!”
He hadn’t given her much time to say anything more than that, because he was quickly out the door.
Okay, so he was in his teenage body, not so weird? Was it considered time travel? Couldn’t be, his physical form didn’t travel with him, so was it more like possession?
Why was he suddenly so anxious, anyways. He had long ‘gotten over’ his anxiety, well, more like learned how to deal with it. Was being in his old body affecting his actions? His brain could be reverting back to old habits, but if this was real, he wants to do things differently this time.
He doesn’t want to be known as the boy who lied about the classmate who committed suicide. Speaking of which, his cast wasn’t signed, he could only assume this is going to be the day he meets Connor. He’s going to make sure things go better, he wants to save Connor.
As he made his way to school, he tried his best to remember all the events that happened in the past, well, future now.
The first event was.. Right, he told Jared how he broke his arm, what next?
“Hey, how was your summer!’
What?
“Mine was productive, I had three internships and ninety hours of community service!” Alana happily explained, standing directly in front of him.
Well, shit. Clearly it’s been too long since he thought about everyone, because he has no recollection of speaking to her.
“I know, wow.”
Evan blinked, “Um, wow that’s-”
“Even though I was so busy, I still made some great friends- or, well, acquaintances more like.”
Okay, why exactly was she talking to him again? He forgot what happened next, shoot what did his mom say back then? Signing his cast? He felt around in his pockets realizing he hadn't brought a marker with him like he did all those years ago.
Well, this is why you let your mom finish what she was saying.
“Uh, well, good for you.”
“Thanks, have a great first day!”
Evan watched her walk away, before shaking his head. Alright, so now that that’s over, what next? Did he speak to Jared first? Zoe? No, he’d have to speak to Connor first before Zoe, so Jared?
“Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much?”
Speak of the devil.
“Stop, no, I wasn’t doing that!”
Jared leans in closer, “Paint me the picture; you’re in bed, Zoe’s instagram page pulled up on your off-brand cellphone,”
“That’s not what happened, obviously!” He forgot how annoying Jared was, they hadn’t spoken since everything crashed and burned. Honestly, seeing him felt both relieving, and exhausting.
“Well? How’d you break it then, if it wasn’t jerking to Zo-”
“I’m not even into her anymore, Jared! Plus, I.. fell. Out of a tree.”
Jareds eyes widened, “Dude, ‘not into her’? Since when?”
“Since now. I realized something.. last night. So I’m over her now.” Clearly, that wasn’t true. He hadn’t realized something ‘last night’, he realized something in his twenties.
He did have a crush on Zoe Murphy, turns out though, he’d soon have crushes on boys too.
“Uhuh, and what’d you realize? That she wouldn’t get with a guy who jerks off to her insta?”
“Can you stop that?! I don’t do that, you’re such a jerk, dude.”
Clearly, Jared wasn’t buying it. Though, he decided to drop it. Evan watched him narrow his eyes at his cast. “So, you fell out of a tree? What, like an acorn?” Even years after the events took place in high school, Evan never told the truth about how he broke his arm. Maybe if he did, Jared would’ve felt guilty for all the jokes about it.
“Well, I worked as a park ranger this summer. I decided to climb a tree, and fell.”
Jared nodded, clearly uninterested, “Funny thing is, no one came. To help me, I mean. Had to go to the hospital myself.”
Evan watched Jared raise a brow before he started laughing, “Holy shit, dude.”
“Yeah, so how was your summer?” He didn’t really care for Jared's summer either, so you could suppose the two are even.
“Well, I absolutely killed it at capture the flag. Then I got to below the bra with this chick who’s going into the army. Does that answer your question?” Jared started walking away, so Evan rolled his eyes,
“Yeah, sounds like you had a blast.”
Alright, so Jared was over and done with for the day. What next? Connor, but when and how? God, he hopes changing everything in this timeline makes his memory better in the future, because this is bullshit.
“Connor, hey!”
Evan whipped around at Jareds voice, looking directly at Connor. Oh god, this moment means the world. He has to be very careful, he can’t make the same mistake as last time.
“Loving the long hair, very ‘school shooter chic’!”
Jared really was an asshole, all Evan could do was stare in shock. He had forgotten the exact words Jared had said to Connor, but now he realizes that maybe too many things had piled on the latter that probably led to his suicide the following evening.
“It, uh, that was a joke.”
“Yeah, no, it was funny. I’m laughing.” Connor inched a bit closer to the direction of Jared, “Can’t you tell?” Jared stood still, frozen in place. That’s just like him, dishing it but backing out when the person won’t take his shit.
“Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” Connor walked towards Jared more as the other started walking away, “Uh, you’re such a freak.”
Evan stood in the wake of Jared, okay, this moment has to go perfectly-
“Aheh..”
Fuck, he did his nervous laugh.
“What the fuck are you laughing at?” Shit, fuck. Okay.
“Wh-?”
“Stop fucking laughing at me!” Connor started walking towards him now. Okay, get the confidence you gained as an adult, no more getting pushed around.
“No I wasn’t-”
“I’m not the fucking freak-”
“I wasn’t laughing at you!”
Connor abruptly stopped, his hands almost touching Evans shoulders. Thank god, he won't have to deal with that bruise on his hip this time.
“I, uh. I wasn’t laughing at you. Um, in fact I wasn’t really laughing? It’s just.. An anxious thing.”
Evan watched as Connor just stood there, staring at him for a concerning amount of time. Maybe he hadn’t believed him? He opened his mouth, before closing it again. He needs to think more before he speaks, he can’t afford to risk this.
“Sorry just, Jared’s a jerk.”
Connor raised a brow, “I thought you two were friends?”
“Well it’s, he’s.. It’s more complicated than that, we’re not really friends?” Evan cringed in on himself, god, explaining this is embarrassing. “He calls us ‘family friends’, I tell his parents they were nice and they pay for his car insurance.”
Connor continued to just stand there, staring, before he snorted; “That’s fucking sad.”
Nervously laughing, Evan started to pick at the hem of his shirt, gulping a bit, “Heh, yeah..”
The two of them stood there awkwardly, or maybe it was just awkward for Evan. Connor was finally the one to break the silence though, which felt like decades.
“Look, I gotta.. get to class. Sorry for yelling at you, meet me in the computer lab after school.” With that, Connor walked away, leaving Evan to just stand there. Well, that was different. A good different, he hoped? Hopefully he can make this day more bearable to Connor.
“Hey, I’m sorry about my brother!”
Evan quickly turns to find Zoe Murphy standing in front of him. Oh, right. He spoke to her for the first time that day, too.
“I saw him talking to you, he’s crazy. Evan, right?”
He just stood there, he hasn’t had a crush on her for years now, but standing in front of her, it was hard to.. adjust, to say the least.
“That’s your name, right?” She looked confused, waiting for him to answer.
“Oh! Uh, yeah that’s.. that’s my name!” Zoe looked at him, confused, before sticking her hand out, “I’m Zoe.” Evan took her hand, immediately regretting it. Fuck, he forgot to wipe the sweat of his hand. She hadn’t seemed to mind though?
“Um, yeah, yeah! I know, I’ve seen you play guitar? In jazz band.”
She stared at him for a moment, before nodding, “Okay well, talk to you later Evan.”
He gave a grunt of agreement, watching her walk away.
Okay, first order of business, stop acting like you’re in love with Zoe Murphy still.
“Sorry sweetie, I was the only nurse available so I volunteered.”
Evan sighed, staring down at the computer in front of him, “It’s alright mom, I’ll just take the bus.”
“Sorry, you know I would if I could. Just need to be the ‘team player’, right?”
He gave a hum of agreement, “It’s okay, bye.” He hung up, going back to his letter. Alright, he just needs to not include Zoe. That sounds easy enough, though he doesn’t feel entirely comfortable having to still type the rest of his letter for Connor to see..
Dear Evan Hansen,
Today is going to be a good day, and here’s why;Turns out, today wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because.. Because why would it be?
I wish everything was different, I wish I was part of.. something?
I wish that anything I said mattered. Just mattered, to anyone.No one would even notice if I just disappeared tomorrow.
Sincerely, your best and dearest friend, me.
Pressing print, he let out a sigh. He forgot how awful high school was before Connor, sure it was worse when he had lied to everyone, but he was still just as alone before as he was after.
“So,” Evan turned towards the voice, finally noticing Connor standing behind him, “What happened to your arm?”
“Uh, I fell out of a tree, actually.”
“.. You fell out of a tree?”
“Yeah.”
They stood there in silence, Evan fumbling with his clothes.
“Well, that is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”
Evan abruptly laughed, probably more than he had back then. It’s true, falling in a forest with no one around is a bit sad, actually. Connor started rubbing his arm a bit, looking back down at Evans', “Um, no ones signed your cast.”
“Yeah, I know..-”
“I’ll sign it.”
Evan stared, before sighing, “I forgot to bring a sharpie.” He mostly meant to say that to himself, but Connor smirked a bit. “A pen could work, I guess. I’ll just have to write really hard.”
Evan laughed, holding his arm out as Connor took out a pen from his bag. It took a bit of work, but eventually he was able to scribble his name just as big as he had originally, though somehow even more messier? Evan decided to blame the pen for that.
“Now we both can pretend we have friends.”
Evan chuckled nervously at that, “Um, well it doesn’t- it doesn’t have to be pretend..” He assumed that was the wrong thing to say, because suddenly it felt very awkward, and very quiet. Too quiet, in fact. Connor just stood there, flipping a piece of paper in his hands.
“So, look, is this paper yours? I found it on the printer,”
Oh, great.
“‘Dear Evan Hansen’, that’s you right?”
Evan made no attempt to grab it, “Uh yeah, it’s an assignment for therapy.” Connor started to read it over as Evan continued rambling, “I have to write a letter to myself every day, to ‘motivate’ me, I guess?”
“‘No one would even notice if I just disappeared tomorrow’?”
Evan cringed on himself, “Uh.. yeah, I guess that’s what that says, doesn’t it.”
“You don’t think your therapist would be mad you’re writing non-motivational shit for your ‘pick me up’ assignments?”
Evan only shrugged, “It’s not really something he can control. I get to choose how I’m feeling and how I express it.”
“Huh..” Connor stood there a bit longer, looking back down at the paper, smiling to himself. He pocketed the note, “Maybe I’ll take you up on that offer, about being more than ‘pretend’ friends.”
Hope started to fill the entire being that was Evan Hansen, had he done it? Did he save Connor?
“See you around, Hansen.”
One could only hope so.