Chapter Text
“All im saying is I don’t think its natural”
“I hear what you’re saying man”
“I just don’t get it- like why would you want to suck dick when girls literally have boobs”
“It’s a mental disorder it really is” My friends laughed
“Craig, you okay? You have been quiet” Clyde asked me as he paused the game he and Token were playing.
“Um yeah” I said as I looked up from the bean bag I lay slouched on typing on my phone.
“Who you texting?” Clyde asked
“No one”
“Who is she? Your face is pink, that means your flirting” Clyde said as he leapt up to hound me
“That does not make sense” I scowled before locking my phone
“Is he flirting?” Token asked as he joined us on the other side of Tokens bedroom
“I think he is” Clyde elbowed our friend in purple.
“Bout time, you have been single for a million years” Token laughed
“You know me” I laughed awkwardly “Just… playing the field” I whispered between my teeth
“is it one of Bebe and Nicholes friends? We can go on a triple date- oh how cool would that be” Clyde said excitedly
“Dude I wouldn’t go within 100 miles of your girlfriends’ bitchy friends” I scoffed
“ Oh god its Becca isn’t it” Clyde threw his hand over his face “I saw you two flirting in Biology, I knew it, I knew it” Clyde jumped up and down
“It isn’t Becca and we weren't flirting you perv”
“I bet its Jessica, you took her to the winter formal” Token said and Clyde's eyes widened
“Jessica is a freaking lesbian” I laughed
“Dude Craig only attracts Lesbians” Clyde laughed
“Wait really? Jessica Reid is a lesbian?” Token said shocked
“Yeah” I shrugged
“Dude that’s so cool” Clyde said
“Weren't you two just saying how much you hate gay people” I raised an eyebrow
“Yeah no gay men, but lesbians now that’s hot” Clyde said and Token nodded
“What? don’t you think lesbians are hot?” Token asked
“No, no, I do its just uh, bit of a double standard” I shrugged
“Are you saying you think gay men are hot?” Token asked
“No! Im just-“
“Craig I recommend you stop talking before everyone starts thinking your gay” Clyde elbowed me
“Well im not so you two can go back to your game now and leave me to my flirting” I pressed my lips together
“I knew it, I knew it” Clyde pinched by cheek before following Token back to the game they had just been playing.
Once I knew they were absorbed in their stupid game I unlocked my phone and smiled at the screen.
Andy76: All im saying is Gideon is the best character in Red Racer and you cant convinced me otherwise
Bluespace98: You’re insane, How can you think Gideon is the best character HE WAS LITERALLY THE VILLIAN IN SEASON 4 SEBASTIAN IS THE BEST NO DOUBT!
Andy76: And he redeemed himself!
Bluespace98: HOW!? He sabotaged Lilly in season 6!
Andy76: Who the fuck is Lily?
Bluespace98: Lilly… you know, Harry’s sister
Andy76: Oh you mean Leon
Bluespace98: Dude shes trans
Andy76: No he just wanted to get with Ben but knew he was straight
Bluesoace98: Dude…
Andy76: Omg I hate fucking snowflake gays
Bluespace98: Im not a fucking snowflake you’re just transphobic
Blocked
I sighed and locked my phone- how was it possible that every gay guy on the internet to wither be a dick head, 45 with 3 kids or some creep just wanting pictures of cocks.
“Whats up?” Clyde asked not looking away from the TV screen.
“Girls”
I took off my hat and rubbed my face with my palm as soon as I was back in the safety of my bedroom.
If there was one thing I hated more than jerk teenage gay boys on the internet it was the fact that of all the places in the western world I could have been born I was born and raised in a hick ass mountain town.
No one knew I was gay. Heck- I didn’t even know I was gay until just after my 15th birthday when my friend from out of town- Thomas- had placed his head on my shoulder while we watched Andrew Garfield’s Spiderman films. My heart had skipped a beat and part of me just wanted to hold him and kiss his forehead and then I cried for weeks as the realisation of what that meant settled in.
I thought maybe I was Bi- I had had a girlfriend in middle school- I liked her… I thought I did anyway.
I tried dating girls- I even took Annie Knits on a proper date in freshman year but I had never wanted to kiss her or felt the warm tingling in my stomach when she placed her head on my shoulder than I did when Thomas done it.
Then I spent the next year trying to find someone to replicate that feeling with… but my efforts so far had been futile.
I had 2 snapchat accounts. The one my friends had and the one I used when I was alone. That’s how I met these jerks. Quick add.
-Goldie01 added you as a friend-
I accepted the friend request like I did most and waited to see of he would message me first. I never messaged first nor did I ever add anyone.
I took off my jacket and placed it and my hat on my chair before lying back on my bed
Goldie01 is typing
Chat
Goldie01- How old are you?
Bluespace98- im 16 hbu?
Goldie01- same here, how do I know you arnt lying?
Bluespace98- how do I know you arnt lying? You could have just copied my age
Bluespace98- if either of us is going to be a predator its you dude, you added me
Goldie01- Im not a predator I promise
Bluespace98- im not either, I promise
I smiled at my phone- he didn’t seem like a jerk- so far…
Goldie01- Are you gay?
Bluespace98- wow straight to it
Goldie01- im trying to make convocation
Bluespace98- you arnt going to ask for pictures of my dick are you?
Goldie01- NO I WOULD NEVER! I HATE PEOPLE LIKE THAT
I caught myself smiling again
Bluespace98- good, me too and to answer your question I am gay and im assuming you are too
Goldie01- yup and im assuming by the fact you’re using a snapchat account with no bitmoji and no real name you’re either in the closet or in fact a predator
Bluespace98- Dude im not a predator lol and yes I am
Goldie01- same, I don’t live in a particularly accepting place and I wouldn’t want to upset my parents im their only child
Bluespace98- I get you, my parents are hella religious, like go to church every Sunday types and my friends are just openly homophobic
Goldie01- Guess we have that in common…
Bluespace98- when did you know you were gay?
Goldie01- I was 12 on a Sunday school camp trip lmao
Bluespace98- LMAO
Goldie01- Hbu?
Bluespace98- I was 14, had feelings for my straight friend
Goldie01- The straight friend huh im sure that’s what your friends think you are
Bluespace98- True…
Goldie01- Sometimes im scared ill be in the closet until I die
Bluespace98- Just leave
Goldie01- Im my parents only child, I couldn’t leave them and they love this hick town
Bluespace98- I feel that
Goldie01- The USA sucks
Bluespace98- you live in the US?
Goldie01- yup, do you?
Bluespace98-… yes
Goldie01- what state?
Bluespace98- im not telling you that dude
Goldie01- What? Scared im going to dox you based off the state you live in?
Bluespace98- Maybe
Goldie01- been nice speaking to you but some of us have school in the morning, ill text you tomorrow if you haven’t already blocked me 😊
Bluespace98- Ill think about it x
The little chat bubble disappeared, and I knew he was gone. Just like with ever other jerk on this app you never did truly know them. You just got this masked version; they could be anyone underneath.
I was content enough knowing that if this guy is as genuine as he seems that at least I’m not the only gay kid in red neck America.
I awoke to a message from Goldie- a picture message.
My eyes widened. People on here never dared even risk even a small snapshot of their identity being possibly linked back to them.
I opened the image and it was a picture of a generic high school hallway, no people were in the picture no identifying marks which could distinguish this picture from any other in the US.
-Goldie01- im not a predator :)- was the caption and I smiled.
Bluepspace98- dude why you at school so early?
Goldie01- before school detention :(
Bluespace98- you have before school detention?
Goldie01- I have to work after school so I chose this for myself :(
Bluespace98- that fucking sucks dude
Goldie01- have fun with whatever 35 year olds do all day :P
Bluespace98- Dude im 16
He was gone again and I smiled at my phone. This guy was already 12 times more genuine and funny than any other anonymous jerk I had come across.
I got dressed and rubbed the sleep out my eyes just as I got into Tokens car. Since Token had passed his test 2 months ago he was our ride to school, no more sketchy school bus for us.
“So anyway” Clyde continued his story as I sat down.
“My sister and her boyfriend were like going at It all night last night and so I banged on the wall and told them to shut the fuck up and now im the bad guy” Clyde sighed
“Dude your neighbours called the cops the last time Bebe stayed over at your place because the screaming made it sound like someone was murdering a cat” I said
“That’s different Craig. We were home alone”
“Clearly not alone enough that the neighbours could hear you” Token laughed
“Shut up Token you virgin”
“Woah I don’t know why I’m getting the backlash for this it was Craig that started this and he is a bigger virgin than me”
“Am not” I kicked the back of his seat
“Have you even had a blowjob- scratch that, have you ever had a hand job?” Token asked
“Not all of us measure our worth in sex” I said
“See told ya, biggest virgin” Token said and Clyde looked back at me with his big puppy dog eyes “We need to get you laid Tucker”
“Fuck off” I flipped him off
“Dude, I think Eric Cartman has had more pussy than you. Does that not make you sad?” Clyde asked
“No because again, not all of us define our lives on pussy” I said
“Well all of us who are getting any are” Token chuckled
“I hate you guys” I said as I yawned.
“Not sleep last night?” Clyde asked
“I did just not enough” I shrugged
“Which girl is it now?”
“Dude not everything is about girls” I said
“Porn?” Clyde asked
“Sure why not” I said going along with it because it wasn’t exactly like I was going to admit I was up talking so some boy on my secret second snapchat.
“Oh Craig, ill send you the link to this video Jimmy sent me it will have you busting after like 1 minute that way you wont be missing out on your precious beauty sleep” He laughed
“Jimmy watches weird porn” I said
“Yeah but its good” Token added
“He sent me a video of two girls doing anal” I said
“Niki Bouty and Joslyn Jack- I know that video” Clyde smirked
“Dude its so sad you know their names” I shook my head disapprovingly
“All im saying is whats the point of lesbians doing anal… I thought their whole thing was you know… pussy” I shrugged
“Because they’re lesbians Craig, they can do whatever they want” Token laughed
“Cool” I said confused but not really wanting to reopen last night convocation.
We got out the car and walking into the building which was the source of at least 60% of all my issues.
I opened my locker and yawned as I pulled out my chemistry books.
“Ugh ive got Spanish” Clyde moaned as he looked at his timetable- despite the fact we were almost through the school year Clyde was still surprised every time he looked at his timetable.
“Have fun” I said “Ill see you in gym” I said and Clyde waved as he disappeared.
“Ill see ya” Token said as he too walked away.
I looked at my phone for a moment. I opened snapchat and took a picture of my locker. I never pinned things on it, nothing in my locker personalised but as I hovered my finger over the send button I still scanned over the picture making sure there was no identifying features.
Bluespace98: Going to class
I smiled to myself as I sent it before sighing and making my way to my chemistry class.
“Hey” Stan said as I took my seat on the wooden seat beside him.
“Hi” I replied throwing my bag sloppily on the floor.
“Are you coming to Kyles birthday party?” Stan asked
“Am I invited?” I raised an eyebrow
“Kyle! Is Craig invited to your birthday party!?” Stan called across the room as we waited for our teacher to show up.
“Yeah sure! But tell him not to bring anyone else, its meant to be a small thing” Kyle called back
“So…you coming?” Stan turned to me “Its just going to be getting drunk in his basement while we watch scary movies”
“Sounds good” I Nodded- in reality I really didn’t want to go but the opportunity for free alcohol had me hooked.
“Right everyone, page 46” Mrs Brown said giving everyone a fright as she burst into the room.
I zoned out as she spoke… I hated this class. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and I pulled it out just to check who it was- if it was my dad I would put it back but if it was Clyde asking me to ditch class there was no way I could turn him down- this class sucked.
But to my surprised it was my new friend.
Goldie01- 37 and still in high school :(
Bluespace98- I know you are
Goldie01- I thought you were in class huh?
Bluespace98- I am
Goldie01- then why are you on your phone?
Bluespace98- Why are you on your phone?
Goldie01- Got sent to the principals office im waiting for him to tell me off again ffs
Bluespace98- Wow a rebel, ive spent my fair share of time outside the principals office
Goldie01- I hate school
Bluespace98- what did you do?
Goldie01- I punched some jerk
Bluespace98- seems fair enough
Goldie01- …
His typing bubble disappeared, I knew he had to go so I smiled and I put my phone away before I got caught and sent to my own schools principal.
I saw Clyde and Token in gym second period. Laps of the pitch. That’s what our lazy teacher had assigned us but us being equally as lazy decided walking at a quick pace was the same thing.
Everything was fine. I was sure I was going to get pneumonia but that was to be expected in this weather. Token and Clyde spoke about some game they had just bought and I was lost in my own head until two shrill girlie voices caught my attention.
“Can we walk with you guys?” Bebe asked as Clyde took her hand in his
“Of course, baby” Clyde squeezed her hand
“Get a room” I rolled my eyes
“He is just upset he doesn’t have a girlfriend” Clyde said to Bebe and I shoved my hands in my pockets looking around for anyone else in this god awful class I could tolerate to walk with.
My eyes landed on my baby cousin- well baby by 2 months.
“Hey Red” I said
“What do you want?” She asked
“To walk with you” I said
“Im talking to Tweek” She said and I looked to the blonde boy beside her
“Is there anyone here im not third wheeling” I sighed
“Thirdw- woah, no, were not like” Red waved her hands in desperation for me not to take it that way.
“What you guys talking about?” I asked
“Oh just- stuff” Red shrugged and I realised Tweeks face was now a blushed Red.
“Are you sure you two arnt like that” I laughed
“No Craig” She elbowed me in the ribs
“Ill tell your dad” I said as I rubbed where she had hit me
“What? That his 5 foot 6 daughter is bullying her 6 foot cousin” She laughed
“6 foot 2 actually” I replied
“Why arnt you with Clyde and Token?” Tweek asked
“Girlfriends” I shrugged
“And you still don’t have one?” My cousin smirked
“Don’t want one” I replied
“Don’t let your dad hear you say that” Red said as she more than anyone else understood the redneck town and our hick ass family.
“Trust me I don’t, I think he still thinks im with Jessica” I said
“Jessica’s family moved to Oregon months ago” Red laughed
“He doesn’t know that though” I replied
“Well if you’re interested I know a pretty blond who wouldn’t mind dating you”
“Huh?” I said as I turned to look at her and caught a glimpse of a blushing Tweek
“You okay Tweek?” I asked
“Me? Oh uh yeah im fine its just… cold” He said
“Excuse me” Red interrupted
“Yeah sorry what were you waffling on about?” I asked
“Annie Knits, she so digs you man”
“Digs?”
“Fuck off” Red elbowed me again in the same place as last time.
School was shit. But then again when wasn’t it?
Token took me home, I opened snap chat and lay on my bed. I found myself hoping he had messaged me and I hated that I felt a little flutter of excitement when I saw he had.
Goldie01- another week of morning detention :(
Bluespace98- Why you punch the guy?
Goldie01- He hurt my friend
Bluespace98- How was your day?
Goldie01- Don’t get me started
Bluespace98- well ive got nothing else to do, do you?
Goldie01- well im not working tonight so I guess not
Bluespace98- so… what happened?
Goldie01- I had Art class this morning, punched a guy, went to the principals office…
Bluespace98- go on…
Goldie01- Got a text from my dad telling me I have to work the weekend of my friends birthday party and then I find out my crush Is going so now im extra pissed off.
Bluespace98- Crush?
Goldie01- Ive been obsessed with this boy for longer than I can remember but im 99% sure he is straight :(
Bluespace98- That sucks dude :(
Goldie01- Oh and I had to go outside for gym today
Bluespace98- That’s worse than missing your crush at a party?
Goldie01- yeah because its fuckign Colorado its cold
Colorado? This dude also lives in Colorado. Weird coincidence.
Bluespace98- yeah I heard its cold there
Goldie01- im sure you’re probably a cali boy you’re not used to snow and ice are you :(
Bluespace98- Cali boy? I aint no cali boy lmao
Goldie01- Sure you arnt princess
Bluespace98- I bet you’re not even from Colorado, you’re just saying that to cover the fact you’re a Florida man.
Goldie01- Florida!? Dude I know you don’t know me but I didn’t think I was that bad!
Bluespace98- You arnt im just joking, I know I don’t know you but you seem cool
Goldie01- thanks you seem really cool too :)
Bluespace98- Im probably going to go soon so don’t expect to hear from me, new ep of Red Racer starts in 10 minutes
Goldue01- I was just about to say that!!
Bluespace98- You like red racer?
Goldie01- IM OBSESSED! Ive watched like every season since I was like 5!
Bluespace98- Same! Wait, who is your fav character?
Goldie01- SEBASTIAN HANDS DOWN!
Bluespace98- A man after my heart <3 I love Sebastian
Goldie01- The way he beat Gideon after he sabotaged Lily! Like what a king!
Bluespace98- that was so gay lol
Goldie01- I did think that right after I sent it lol
Bluespace98- I think Sebastian was low key my gay awakening before I knew it
Goldie01- I love Sebastian but my low key gay awakening was Leo, I guess I just have a thing for tall white boys with dark hair lol
I felt a sickly fluttering feeling in my chest as I realised, he had basically just described me.
Bluespace98- I guess my type is blonde with mental issues considering that’s the only boy ive liked
Goldie01- that’s not a type that’s just your crush
Bluespace98- he isn’t my crush
Goldie01- Red racer is starting
Bluespace98- TTYL
...
Bluespace98- What ddi you think?
Goldie01- Meh
Bluespace98- MEH?
Goldie01- I was expecting more
Bluespace98- More!? Harry and Leo beat Gideon and Lauretta in the race to the king pin we have waited all season for this!
Goldie01- But we knew they were going to, the good guys always win
Bluespace98- So what?
Goldie01- All im saying is maybe they spice it up
Bluespace98- And what have Gideon and his new girlfriend win?
Goldie01- I like Lauretta
Bluepspace98- SHE IS FUCKING GIDEON
Goldie01- Rumor had it in the new ep she betrays him
Bluespace98- Dude don’t spoil it
Goldie01- Sorry :(
Bluespace98- its all good I just hate spoilers but I guess its good Lauretta is getting a redemption
Goldie01- I think if you trusted me we could be great friends you know that
Bluespace98- Trusted you? I met you anonymously on snapchat last night
Goldie01- and we have so much in common, we both live in homophobic communities, love red racer and have straight crushes
Bluespace98- he isn’t my crush and so what? We both live in homophobic communities, he have to be anonymous for that very reason
Goldie01- And so what? You live in sunny California and I in the snow of Colorado what are the odds we ever meet?
Bluespace98- I don’t live in California
Goldie01- Whats your name?
Bluespace98- Dude I wont tell you what state I live in what makes you think ill tell you my name?
Goldie01- Make one up, I just need this to feel more real
Bluespace98- Tucker, my name is Tucker
Goldie01- Im Richie
Bluespace98- Nice to meet you Richie
Goldie01- Nice to meet you Tucker
Bluespace98- Can I tell you a secret?
Goldie01- Always
Bluespace98- I hate myself
Goldie01- why?
Bluespace98- Im a self-hating gay, maybe its because ill never have the picture-perfect life my parents have planned out for me or maybe it’s the fear of losing everything and everyone I have once they find out who I am. I love my friends, yeah they suck but I love them and I love my family but I fear their love is conditional and if I don’t meet those conditions ill have to chose between my own happiness and theirs.
It felt like a weight had been lifted from my chest, I had shared fears that had consumed my brain with someone who didn’t know me.
Goldie01- I know exactly how you feel
Bluespace98- Its nice knowing theres someone out there who gets me
Goldie01- It really is, thank you
Bluespace98- For what?
Goldie01- Being my friend
...
As I sat in Tokens car the following morning I opened snapchat and smiled at the picture of the grey lockers captioned ‘Morning detention :(‘
‘Try not punching people’ I replied with a picture of the floor of Tokens car.
Everything was as normal.
We went to our lockers, Clyde acted surprised that he had Biology and Token went to find his girlfriend before going to class and I walked the halls procrastinating going to class.
Goldie01- I have to work tonight :(
Bluespace98- That sucks dude
Goldie01- Yeah, luckily I can talk to you went I get home :)
Bluespace98- Woah babe were moving so fast I’ve only known you two days
Goldie01- Life as a gay :) Im so desperate for love and affection
Bluespace98- Honestly same
Goldie01- Just two love starved gays :(
Bluespace98- That we are honey
Goldie01- Babe? Honey?
Bluespace98- Too much?
Goldie01- I like it
I smiled at my phone screen
“Oh who are we smiling at?” Kenny asked
“Non of your business” I scowled as the boy in the organ parka sat down beside me.
“Oh come on Craig I tell you all about my sex life”
“I didn’t ask”
“Yeah but I still tell you”
“I don’t want to know”
“Well you will want to know this, don’t fuck Henrietta girl has some serious shit going on down stairs if you know what I mean”
“Shit dude that’s gross”
Kenny continued to speak of his sexual adventure with the goth girl of our year and how apparently, she had 123 std’s.
He continued speaking as we left the classroom and as I followed him into the hallway at the end of class.
His monologue was cut short however when ‘MOTHER FUCKER’ was heard as Kyle slammed Eric against the lockers
“Woah what's going on?” Kenny rushed to intervene between his friends and I stood watching as did the others in the hallway.
“THIS-“
“DON’T TRY AND TURN THIS ON ME KAHL I HAVNT DONE SHIT WRONG!”
“What happened?” Kenny asked
“TELL THEM KAHL” Eric said menacingly but instead Kyle just punched him, over and over as Kenny tried to pull Kyle off Eric with the help of Butters.
“YOU’RE THE REASON STAN WONT TALK TO ME, YOU, YOU, YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT” Kyle seemed to be crying as he smashed Eric's face with his fist.
“Woah boys break it up” The principal appeared, and I decided I had seen enough; I wasn’t getting dragged into their mess whatever it was it wasn’t my business.
I fell asleep through my music class, not that the teacher noticed before, now fully rested, I went to lunch to see my friends who were now all over the Eric and Kyle drama.
“Did you hear Craig? Eric exposed Kyle for being a fag” Clyde said
“You think Kyle and his family are going to pull a Jessica and move across the country now?” Token asked
“Here’s hoping, there just isn’t room in thus town for gay boys” Clyde said as he took a sip from his chocolate milk.
“poor Kyle” I said
“Huh?” Token said
“I mean, yeah he is gay and all but no one deserves that, his friends wont talk to him now apparently” I said recalling what he had said about Stan.
“All im saying is if either of you were gay I wouldn’t be your friend” Clyde admitted
“I would need you to beat me straight” Token said and he and Clyde laughed
“Don’t worry buddy I would” Clyde smiled
My friends really are jerks huh? I thought to myself. I also caught myself thinking about how this would all be okay because when I got home I could talk to him… the one other kid who got me and in a way that made me sad. I found more solace in a stranger on the internet than the two boys I had spent my entire life with.
...
Bluespace98- You home yet?
Goldie01- another hour :( im on my break
Bluespace98- Hurry home
Goldie01- Ill hurry honey x
Bluespace98- Thank you x
Goldie01- Okay that’s me home
Bluespace98- Good ive been waiting
Goldie01- What’s the weather like in California? Go have a swim in the pool while you wait
Bluespace98- Real funny
Goldie01- So whats up?
Bluespace98- Just been a long day is all
Goldie01- Tell me about it, I hate this town
Bluespace98- I know how you feel, today was just… the worst
Goldie01- A kid at my school got outed today, his friends wont even talk to him all because some fat ass hacked his facebook
… Wait… that… that’s way to familiar for my liking… this guy is from Colorado… no… no…. no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no this guy goes to my school- there is no doubt… shit… shit…
Goldie01- Hello? You there?
Bluespace98- Yeah im here that really sucks poor kid
Goldie01- yeah worst part is the school wont even do anything
Bluespace98- Are you friend this this guy
Goldie01- Kind of
Kind of? Omg what kind of an answer is that! I need to know who this guy is before he knows who I am first!
Bluespace98- I hope things work out