Chapter Text
Levi liked to believe that there existed multiple Hange Zoes.
In his short life, and in his much shorter few years of having known her, every single Hange he had gotten to know was a different entity from the other, a new one to dissect, learn the ropes then work around.
Science and rational thinking should have convinced him otherwise. Only one Hange Zoe existed and could have ever existed. Yet, everytime, she came and she went, merely as one Hange, and Levi had sworn they would never meet again.
When he allowed himself the privilege of wallowing in the comfortable self pity and the trauma of being bitten and suddenly twice shy, he indulged in that overthinking. In the dream-like trance of only ever having a first that was loved and lost, in allowing himself to believe that Levi counted more than one of them already.
Six Hange Zoes defined his lone experience with love and his lone experience with heartbreak.
The first Hange was the one he had first laid eyes on in the classroom. She was a smart and put-together Hange. She was a Hange that gave out a solid B plus in first impressions, smart, charismatic, but kinda crazy in an endearing way.
The only reason she wasn’t an A? The few moments of complete and utter incredulity, those few moments Levi found himself happily trapped in the lab with her, during one of her all nighters, or during one of the few nights she had canceled date plans over some new lab experiment.
Hange wasn’t the most self aware. Consequently, she wasn’t the most sensitive either.
And it was something Levi had decided to overlook, something he had justified most people overlook when they decided that this person could be the one.
The second Hange came soon after that as an effortless upgrade. She was an A in first impressions. She exuded charisma and accompanied it with sharp wit everytime she spoke. Even when she wasn’t staring at him at all, even when she wasn’t looking, Levi found himself sneaking glances. Although she was still an idiot who canceled plans, who showed up late after falling headfirst into some long academic read, Levi could only stay mad for so long.
When it came to the second Hange, every flaw he had overlooked, that caused the occasional inconvenience that couldn’t be overlooked, was in fact endearing.
That second Hange, Levi decided in retrospect, was the Hange he first fell in love with. And that was also the Hange which made Levi start to question what the hell he had done to ever score someone like her.
The third Hange came a few years into their relationship. She didn’t shine as bright as the two Hanges before her.
She was soft and warm like a hearthfire. She spent a little more time enamored by the birds that took shelter by the window sill on a blustery day, and focused on the eyelash that caught at the corner of his eye.
He saw home in every single one of those long looks, from the deep and seething to the warm and relaxed ones, the wide overseeing ones.
And the one who, with one smile, told him, he didn’t have to care too much about anything. He could kick off his shoes, fall back on the bed, close his eyes and let life do the rest.
That was also the Hange which made Levi wonder, what the hell he had done to ever deserve someone like her.
The fourth Hange came suddenly, but Levi couldn’t say at all that she had come out of nowhere.
After all, in retrospect, she had creeped in. She came after a countdown to graduation, heated talks on futures and plans, abandoned plans, half hearted dates. She was a Hange that hyper fixated on logistics over comfort, execution over intention, and the future over present.
That Hange brought up that one question, one fateful evening, in a quiet cafe over tea.
That one painful question said calmly with a hushed voice that so easily blended with the muted sounds of the cafe around him. “Money, career, or relationships? What would you put first?” Hange asked again.
“Relationships," Levi replied almost automatically. With everything that had been happening, he had already made that difficult decision only very recently. He was certain he would do it again.
There was a silence that lasted a second long enough to meet Hange’s expectant gaze and study it. Her eyes seemed to be boring holes into him, taking him apart from inside out as if she wanted him to ask something else.
“You?” Levi added, a split second later.
Hange answered without a moment’s hesitation. “Career.” She answered in the most casual of tones, in the quiet of the cafe of all places over black tea and half her attention on the laptop in front of her.
Levi widened his eyes in disbelief. “Career? Really?” Who was he kidding, that version of Hange had been alluding to that answer ever since she reared her head. Still, the ache in his chest demanded attention as if reminding him, Hange didn’t have to answer that so easily.
“I didn’t leave my home country and decide to study abroad just to settle down and build a home for myself. I wanna do greater things than that.” Hange had spoken with a snappy and no nonsense tone, her eyes quickly falling towards her laptop. At that point, Levi had known her long enough to tell that it wasn’t something she wanted to pursue beyond the few words exchanged.
Why did you ask?
Why the hell did you ask that question?
What the hell is Hange Zoe thinking?
Hange could summon an air of mystery if she wanted to. And that's what she did as the conversation lulled to silence.
Levi had never been good with words. When Hange didn't want to talk, Levi wouldn't force her.
The night died slowly, with an awkward silence, the stir of tea, the pounding of his heart as he attempted to occupy himself with job applications. No more words were spoken, save for a few pleasantries as they parted ways that night.
Levi then rationalized the silence into two things. Maybe Hange didn’t want to talk about it.
And maybe to Hange it wasn’t important enough to her to ever discuss.
That was the fourth Hange, so different from the third, so different from the second but so painfully similar to the cold first one. That Hange, with one nod of the head, yet with a cold air of mystery around her, made Levi doubt that all the Hanges he had ever known were the same person.
Maybe all that ever existed was the Hange he had first met, the one who put every project and every deadline before every promise of a date. Maybe every other Hange had been one crazy dream..
The days after that were too busy for a moment of clarity. They were both preoccupied with counting down to graduation. Work piled up. Real life responsibilities piled up
To Levi in particular, family responsibilities had been a lot bigger of a pile than he had ever expected them to be, and a long philosophical conversation about one’s life and one’s future fell to the backburner.
Graduation came and passed. The post-undergraduate life brought with it a new set of problems, a lot more demanding than the occasional deadline or paper and a casual conversation hadn’t been a priority in either of their lists.
One night, Hange invited him out again. Levi had hoped she would return to the Hange that had felt like home, that the awkward and tense exchange in the cafe had all been a fevered dream.
Despite her busy schedule, despite work applications, visa renewals and the logistics of what Hange's future was supposed to be, she had made time for one night. She said it was for black tea, and she made a promise to walk in the park just like old times. She had put the time for one long thought, that came out like some long drawn memorandum.
It was well- articulated thought, maybe just a little too detailed. In the end, it was too long, Levi could only ever recall it in phrases.
“While I’m here, there are things I need to do…Things I promised myself to do…”
Nod.
“My own country doesn’t have the same resources and…”
Nod.
“I still have things I promised myself I’d try to do.”
Nod.
“I’m considering extending my visa…”
Nod.
“Considered the logistics of you coming with me…”
Nod.
"It's not gonna work as easily."
He couldn’t remember it all. His mind had been too occupied by how complicated her own attempts to rationalize it were. His mind wandered while she spoke. He was thinking long and hard about the way black tea swirled, and how the leaves fluttered under the golden liquid as he stirred, then to the tangy taste of the tea.
And how could he forget that bitter aftertaste?
It was so, so complicated that looking everywhere else was the better option.
A long list of dreams, logistics, and concrete plans, were laid out in too cold and professional of a manner that it shook him. They fluttered even in the dead air of the cafe, flying slowly into one ear and out the other. They were waves of information, ninety percent of them details Levi could barely grasp, details which weren’t so important anyway.
Only a few words in that long list of explanations mattered, words so simple. Hange, after all, had started the conversation with it, and she ended it with it, like bookends on the long evening which Levi had conveniently ignored until he couldn’t.
"We shouldn't keep working on what wasn't meant to be."
Within an hour of that exchange, Levi was curled up in bed and he had managed to convince himself that every Hange had been an illusion. The only Hange that could have ever existed was the cold and calculating one, the one who asked the question, the one who pacified him that night and the one who walked away with nothing more than a few phatic expressions. The mystery behind ever nabbing her, the mystery behind ever deserving her, had all been a glitch in the system.
Since that night, something still gripped at his heart, another Hange, a memory superimposed over every Hange that had existed before.
The fifth Hange was a conundrum.
She was a slew of bad dreams. She was a jigsaw puzzle of a person that Levi could have sworn was real. When he admitted to his own bad habit of overthinking, when he stepped back and took a deep breath, he entertained the very probable possibility that it could have all been just a dream.
Then he wondered why the hurt was so palpable. Then he would wonder why she left in the first place. Then the cycle of regret would start again, continue onto five more stages, never staying long enough in acceptance before the next bad dream, the next fit of the doubt and the next session of utterly silent overthinking then wondering which Hange was real.
The cycles would last a year at first, but Levi swore it could have lasted an eternity. That is, if something didn’t break it, something groundbreaking as another Hange.
And Levi… whether he had liked it or not, had opened his heart to it.
It just so happened, there was a sixth Hange, years since the last concrete Hange made her appearance, same brown hair, same brown eyes, same glasses that fell to one side in the same unruly hair, the same hazel eyes and the same pair of glasses, the same lopsided grin which had been consistent with every single Hange he knew.
A sixth Hange, not one of the many Hange’s he had seen before. Even before she spoke up, he had put his money in it. Her grin was the lopsided, slightly ashamed ones. Her eyes were wide yet thinking, definitely working independently from that grin.
A serious expression, a begging one… Was she ashamed?
“What do you want?” Levi asked, ready to slam the door at her face. If she had started talking about Jesus Christ or about overpriced yet very unpronounceable medicines, maybe he would have.
Scratch that, he wouldn’t.
She was still Hange, and admittedly, the longer he stared, the sooner he found himself drawn to every part of her like it was magic, from even the subtlest movements like falling of the grin or the way she had quickly pushed it back up. He soon realized, if she were the typical door to door stranger, he probably would have converted religions for her, or bought her overpriced medicines just to let it rot in one corner of his house.
As time dragged on, Levi became keenly aware that Hange hadn’t spoken at all yet her eyes darted from each side of the porch, from the floor, to the walls, before falling right on him as if her stare had exhausted any other possibilities.
As if she was searching for the right thing to say.
Levi hadn’t known a single Hange that was ever at a loss for words.
“What do you want?” Levi repeated. Having spent years an unwilling prisoner to a broken heart, it was satisfying to bear witness to that new Hange, under that same familiar and intimate skin.
Hange took a deep breath. “He gave me your address, he said you’d help…” She cleared her throat. “But you know, I didn’t think it would be you.”
"Help…" Levi was the one who needed help, financial help. Mike gave him the opportunity then in exchange, Levi gave Mike his blessing to give the contact details. "I did offer to help."
But no one told me it would be you. And maybe he had said something like that out loud. He couldn't so easily tell when his mind was racing and his ears were ringing, from the blood that had rushed to his face.
Hange crossed her arms in front of her defensively, she managed a wry grin, and for a second she averted her gaze.
Levi narrowed his eyes.
This is definitely a sixth Hange. Every Hange he knew, never begged, never seemed so nervous, never seemed so… possibly wrong, regretful of what the hell she could have done wrong.
Levi had known her for too long.
He had remembered everything too vividly, from her hazel eyes to the unruly brown hair. He had made eye contact with her too many times to ever forget the way hazel shifted to amber when she looked out the window, the way it shifted back to an even darker shade of brown, when she lowered her eyes, neck deep into another one of her journals.
"I'm sure Mike told you about the logistics of it." Before Hange let those words out of her mouth, before Levi could process such a puzzle of a question… Hell, a favor. He was already thinking, the sixth Hange was far flung from everything else, a product of five years worth of experiences, five years without him and five years of all the great things Hange would have done without him pulling her back.
By god, she wasn’t asking about religion, nor about overpriced medicines but it hadn’t taken much of an explanation from her before he stepped back, opened the door a little wider.
Just like that, he decided, maybe he could abandon all the confusion and heartbreak for just long enough. He stepped back just far enough to allow Hange in. Then he welcomed her into that small apartment and started the charade, first convincing himself that the apartment had been theirs.
With just a few more words exchanged, he decided, as sudden and as unexpected as it was, Hange made a good case. And maybe he could make it their home… for just a while longer.