Work Text:
it is whilst komaeda is sitting on one of the beaten up, stained chairs in the library, and reading a book - the bell jar by sylvia palth, which was proving to be a little too close to home for him - that he realises that he has, for years been intentionally ruining his life.
when he was 10 years younger, freshly fourteen, with a heart full of sorrow, a brain disease that made him act erratic, generally unlike himself, and an incurable sickness that ruined his quality of life, he had reason to ruin his life. with nothing left to live for, and not long to live anyway, he felt okay skipping all of his doctors appointments, running away from various psych wards until he inevitably landed himself back into them after his many suicide attempts, and generally just avoiding treatment. why try to better your mental health if you were going to die soon enough anyway?
he has held this mentality for just over ten years, except now he has no excuse to not get better. the cancer and dementia were miraculously cured by hinata, with his many talents he could do so much more than nagito ever even tried to, and that filled him with so much hope. after this long, maybe it was time to try and recover. he was on this island, surrounded by people who had also suffered many traumatic experiences, committed many unspeakable sins, yet still had grown so much in the years since the game, and that thought filled him with hope. if they could change, why couldn't he?
sometimes he'd wake up and not know his name, know nothing but that his heart ached, and would struggle to get up. he would look in hinata, his lovers, eyes and know that he was safe, even if he didn't know anything about himself now, even if he was already aware he was going to have an awful day with his mental health, he knew that he was okay.
but then on those days where he woke up, and knew himself, he knew of the sins he had committed simply by existing, he would look over at hinata and hate his very existence. he didn't even know if he loved him, or if he hated him. was he simply dependant on him after this long? they had spent much time intertwined with each others survival, that now that komaeda could live without constant intervention, he didn't know what to do. if he separated himself from hinata, would he live? does the parasite live on when torn from the flesh of its host? komaeda, without hinata, could rip himself to shreds, back to the person he once was. or, with hinata, he could continue to grow
maybe it wouldn't hurt to actually eat more than one meal a day, go see mikan for checkups when she requested him to and speak with the others on the island more frequently. he has spent so long avoiding them after the game, for fear of their hatred. he knew he acted reprehensible and that he was detested during the game, and although a good chunk of that erratic behaviour was simply caused by his frontotemportal dementia, but the others didn't know that. during his birthday celebration a few weeks back - everyone had insisted on having one, though komaeda had learnt to hate birthdays many years ago - everyone seemed so happy to be around him. komaeda doesn't know if it was simply them being happy to have a reason to celebrate - jabberwock island could be a miserable, miserable place - or if it was them genuinely being happy for him, but it made him hopeful. hopeful for the future, hopeful for change. perhaps he could even start to genuinely get to know them, moving beyond them being only vaguely friends, and mostly just existing in the same space for many years.
komaeda places the book down on the table, unsure on if he should return to reading it. sometimes consuming media that was depressing, furthered his need to get worse. sometimes his many mental illnesses felt like they were in competition with the closest person to him that was also struggling. on multiple occasions, he felt himself subconsciously competing with hinata, despite their conditions being quite different. anorexia nervosa, depression, post traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder being komaedas, and anxiety, other specified dissociative disorder 1b, depression and bipolar disorder being hinata's. they differed, greatly.
he'd notice hinata getting worse, staying in bed all day and refusing to speak to anyone, and he'd get worse, starving himself until he passed out. and it wasn't intentional, truly, komaedas brain simply needed for him to be struggling the most, because if he wasn't the one to pity, who was he? did he have any sense of identity beyond being the generally unliked, crazy, terminally ill person? he'd never had any real interests of his own, other than reading, every other interest he expressed was simply part of a desperate attempt to fit in with someone, anyone. if he was going to get better, he needed to exist for himself, but doing that was so difficult, and he was afraid he didn't know how to.
he had always been a servant to the others around him.
not always a literal servant, but he always served others in some way, be it as entertainment to keep around and laugh at, someone to carry bags for people and walk behind the group silently as they talked, a body to be used for ones own pleasure then and left afterwards, or as a stepping stone for others to reach their goals and objectives in life, whilst komaeda was always left behind. it felt like it was his own fault, he put himself in these situations so who was he to complain about it. hinata said it was a 'trauma response', that it was the only way he felt needed and loved, so he kept doing it to himself. hinata had said that to him after the first time komaeda had tried to get hinata to have sex with him. despite hinata being correct, komaeda had kicked him out of their shared cabin for the night, and spent the rest of that night going between staring at the ceiling and cutting his arms, his legs, his face even, until he ran out of space.
he was convinced that he was simply too disgusting for hinata to touch, and that the other man simply said that so he would have a reason not to. komaeda knows now that, he was right, he just does do it was a sort of trauma response.
but its so difficult to stop.
for a while a few years ago he made a point of helping the other ultimates with everything they did, every little thing komaeda could be involved in his was, to once again satisfy his urge to serve. that didn't last longer than a few weeks though, as soon as hinata had picked up on what he was doing, he asked the others to refuse all of his help. komaeda had been upset about it, but in retrospect, hinata was just trying to help, he always was, and komaeda was being so, so selfish by never realising that.
he did love hinata. sometimes he hated him, his bpd telling him that hinata was a disgusting person, a sinner unworthy of anyone's love, but deep down he loved him more than anything. he loved his eyes, one the colour of serpentine, the other like red jasper, he loves the gentle curls in his hair, how soft his hair was to the touch. his tanned skin was komaeda's favourite, it was the most perfect skin komaeda had ever laid his eyes upon. he loved hinata so much that sometimes he wanted to cut him open and crawl inside him, and die there, forever a part of him. he never told hinata just how much he loved him. he didn't want to come off as obsessive, even though he truly was obsessed with him. he wanted to always be a part of him, wanted to live with him forever, and when hinata died, he would to.
but until then, until they both died, komaeda could try to get better. he wanted to feel okay.
he stood up from the chair, stretching, and walked over to the bookshelf across the room which held any book that he was still in the process of reading. seeing as nobody else but sonia and hajime used the library, and they only did so on occasion, he was free to organise it how he wanted. he slotted the book beside one of his all time favourite books, one that he was constantly rereading, about a wizard, and his vampire boyfriend. after placing the book on the shelf, komaeda, picked up his jacket and tied it around his waist - it was summer on a tropical island, far too warm for a jacket - and left the library, with the intent to find hinata and mikan and discuss his treatment. maybe he would finally start the medication they tried to get him to take a month or so ago, maybe he would finally start the future foundation's therapy they had organised for the group. maybe he would finally get better.