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Janus had learned a long time ago that anger was easier than hurt. Cast out by Thomas and the core sides at a young age? Shove the hurt down until you get angry. The side you essentially raised tells you he hates you straight to his face? Push past the stabbing sensation in your chest and get angry. That side leaves you and the rest of your small broken family behind to live with the people who cast you all out, without a second thought to the pain it would cause you or the nights you would spend piecing yourself and the rest of that now even more broken family back together with your bare hands until you worried they’d start to bleed from the metaphorical hurt you didn’t know how to swallow?
Just get angry instead.
Point was, Janus knew how to hide hurt very well at this point. It was easier to lash out than say “Hey, that hurt,” after all, especially considering he was Deceit.
He wondered, sometimes, if Virgil just felt that way too, instead of really hating him like he claimed. When it was late and Janus wanted to engage in lies that tasted sweet, he told himself that was exactly it. That Virgil was just as scared to reach out and take it all back as he was, but that reaching out and taking it all back was all that stood between their reconciliation. That of all the lessons Virgil could have taken from him, the one he stuck with was that anger was easier than hurt. It just so happened the lesson he chose to stick with was the one that hurt them both.
Then the lie stopped tasting so sweet, and Janus rolled over and went to bed.
He didn’t stop snapping at Virgil when he saw him. That would give the other too much power in their relationship, and Janus wasn’t going to be the one to start apologizing when Virgil was the one that left them.
So in the end, nothing changed. Which was fine with Janus. It didn’t hurt.
Remus was a little more bothered by the situation than Janus definitely wasn’t, though. He went over to the other side to hang out with Virgil often, despite Virgil really just seeming annoyed by his presence. A large part of Janus just wished Remus would stop. He was just intentionally hurting himself, and Janus couldn’t help him put himself back together all the time.
…Okay, he didn’t mean that. But he did wish Remus would stop putting himself in the line of fire when he had enough evidence to conclude he would keep getting burned.
Unfortunately, it didn’t look like it would be a problem that got better, because Janus’ acceptance meant that both he and Remus were over in videos more often. And that, inevitably, meant more conflict with Virgil. If he was there, they fought. Janus was pretty sure Thomas and the rest of the core sides were getting just as sick of it as he was.
He’d expected Virgil was sick of it too, but he hadn’t realized the extent to which he was until today.
Thomas had woken up exhausted, and Janus had shown up to convince him to take the day off, because he sorely needed one. Remus had insisted on coming along due to boredom, and Janus had let him as long as he promised to keep quiet and not derail his entire intention. Remus agreed under threat of Janus silencing him himself.
Thomas hadn’t looked super comfortable with the idea of Remus being there, but it didn’t seem to affect the fact that he was close to listening to Janus and taking the day off. Or maybe he was just that tired. Janus could believe it. All of them were exhausted today.
“I had that lunch planned with Nico later,” Thomas said weakly, leaning back on the couch and looking like he was trying to convince himself more than Janus.
“Oh, and no one has ever called off lunch plans before,” Janus said, giving Thomas a look. “It was a spur of the moment thing, Thomas, I’m sure Nico will understand if you’re not feeling up to it anymore.”
“Yeah, it’s not like he’s gonna cut your balls off for missing one date,” Remus said. Janus gave him a warning look, but a second later Thomas sighed, and it sounded like he was really considering it.
“Yeah,” he said finally. “You’re probably right. And a break does sound really nice—”
“Uh, I’m sorry, what?” came a sudden familiar voice, and Janus groaned inwardly before turning to face Virgil, who was now standing across from the couch and glaring at them.
“Hello, Virgil,” he said. “We’re a little busy right now, could you maybe come back later?”
“Fuck off. Thomas, what are you thinking? You can’t just suddenly cancel, what if he thinks you’re not interested?”
Janus sighed harshly. “Well, he could probably say something like ‘Hi Nico, I’m sorry, I really wanted to make our date today, but I just don’t feel up to it anymore. Can we reschedule?’ And that should clear up any issues if Nico is a reasonable person worth going out with.”
“Oh, so now you don’t think Nico is worth going out with?” Virgil said, narrowing his eyes at Janus. “Or are you just trying to get Thomas to break up with Nico because you want him to be miserable for the rest of his life?”
Janus gave him a deadpan look. “Yes, Virgil, that’s what I’m doing. I want Thomas to be miserable. How ever did you guess?”
“Well how am I supposed to know that?” Virgil hissed. “You’re manipulating him into calling off the date!”
“I’m not manipulating anything—”
“You guys, please,” Thomas said, dropping his head into his hands. “I don’t have the energy for this right now.”
“Well, come on, Thomas!” Virgil snapped. “He’s suggesting you call off a date with Nico! You don’t know Nico very well, you don’t know how he’s gonna react!”
“Neither do you,” Remus grumbled, tugging at one of his fingernails until it popped off.
“Which is why we can’t risk it! Come on, Thomas, you don’t know what’s gonna happen if you skip that date!”
“He’s going to stay home and rest and feel up to everything he has to do tomorrow?” Janus deadpanned.
Virgil hissed at him.
“Enough,” Thomas said, sounding exhausted, but also firm enough that all of them stopped talking. “I’m going to text Nico and see if he doesn’t mind rescheduling. And then I’m going to watch The Office bloopers, okay? I just need a quiet day.”
Janus smirked for half a second, but wiped it off his face quickly, because that probably wasn’t what Thomas needed right now.
Unfortunately, that half a second was enough for Virgil to see it, and he just started scowling. “Fine,” he snapped. “But don’t expect me to be happy about it. This is exactly why I told you not to let either of them hang around.”
And with that, Virgil sank out, leaving Janus to process that. Remus seemed to have tensed up too, though he was dealing with it more by ripping his toes off and reattaching them.
Janus took a deep breath and turned to face Thomas. “Do you want me to stay?” he asked, as gently as he could manage.
Thomas shook his head. “I just wanna be alone,” he muttered.
“Okay,” Janus said, reaching out for Remus and taking his wrist gently. “You can call me if you need me, Thomas.”
“Thanks,” Thomas muttered, reaching for his phone.
Janus sank him and Remus both out to their side of the mindscape. As soon as they got there, Remus let out a cry of frustration and threw his morningstar across the room, embedding it in the wall.
Janus sighed. “Don’t you think that’s a bit much?” he asked.
“Why does Virgil get to decide whether or not we get to talk to Thomas?” Remus snapped, moving over to yank the morningstar down. “That’s your job! That fucker, that’s your job! He stays out of it!”
“I’m not going to say it doesn’t… bother me,” Janus said, summoning an extra set of hands behind his back for the sole purpose of clenching them together. “But you don’t need to throw morningstars at the wall about it.”
“Oh, so I’m just supposed to be okay with it?” Remus asked, and Janus was going to pretend he didn’t hear his voice crack in the middle of that sentence. “I’m just supposed to accept that he abandoned us and yet he’s still trying to control our lives without giving us any say in the matter?”
“That’s not what I said,” Janus said, trying to push past his own anger in order to help Remus calm down. “Just breathe, Remus. And don’t throw morningstars at the wall.”
Remus grit his teeth, even as he seemed to think over it. “Fine,” he snapped finally. “I’ll throw them at him instead.”
And before Janus could say anything else, he sank out.
“Wait, Remus!” Janus called, even though he couldn’t hear him anymore. Janus groaned and sank out after him, heading for Virgil’s room.
By the time he got there Remus had already banged it open with the morningstar, and was now storming towards Virgil who was backing against the wall, looking thoroughly unprepared for the situation.
“Remus,” Janus snapped, grabbing Remus by the back of his sash and pulling him backwards, slamming the door shut as he did so. “That is not helpful.”
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Virgil screamed before Remus could say anything in response.
“You don’t get to decide who Thomas does and doesn’t talk to!” Remus screamed back, giving up on getting out of Janus’ grasp and just throwing his morningstar at Virgil.
Virgil yelped and ducked, causing it to crash into the wall. He growled as he stood back up and yanked it out. “Fucking watch me,” he said, pointing it towards Remus. “I’m not going to let you manipulate Thomas and get him to do whatever you want, and you’re dreaming if you thought it was going to be that easy for you!”
“We are not manipulating Thomas,” Janus said, narrowing his eyes, because he wasn’t going to pretend he wasn’t angry too. “We’re offering another perspective. You know, kind of like you did? You’re telling me you’re not going to appreciate having the day to rest before everything we have going on tomorrow?”
“No, but that’s not the point!” Virgil snapped. “If I let you win you’re just going to get too big of an influence on Thomas’ decisions! I can’t let that happen!”
“And why not?” Remus asked, trying to yank himself out of Janus’ grip again. “You didn’t seem to have a problem with our perspectives before you fucked off to join the core sides! What, did you suddenly do a complete personality 180? You think Patton’s cutesy comments and Roman’s fairytale idealism are just grand now?”
“Of course not,” Virgil said, crossing his arms.
“Then what,” Remus snapped, finally yanking himself out of Janus’ grasp. “The hell. Is the issue?”
“Remus,” Janus said, trying to grab him again, but Remus was approaching Virgil too quickly at this point.
“Is it the fact that it’s us?” Remus snapped, smacking the morningstar to the ground with his hand and paying no mind to the blood now spurting from it or the way Virgil was starting to look very cornered. “Is it the fact that you’re a hypocritical piece of shit who has suddenly decided that we don’t deserve a seat at the table? Is it the fact that you can’t get over the fact that you screwed up and you’re in the wrong here? You abandoned us!”
“Yeah well you did it first!”
Virgil screamed it with such conviction that it actually seemed to shut Remus up— or maybe that was just blatant shock at such a bullshit accusation, because that’s what Janus was feeling. He stepped forward, clenching his hands into fists in order to hopefully stop them from shaking with rage. “Liar,” he hissed.
“No,” Virgil snapped back. “You did. You did it first. Or did you forget the fact that you sent me over here alone?”
Janus blinked, briefly started out of anger. “That is not the same thing,” he said, narrowing his eyes.
“Oh, it isn’t? I’m sorry, you’re right,” Virgil growled. “I forgot how perfectly reasonable it was to give me the responsibilities and representation of all of us and set me against three actively hostile sides who loved to kick me out by telling me I was worthless and harmful.”
Janus managed to hide his shock with that one, though Remus stepped back slightly.
“Since when do they tell you that?” he asked, and Janus could still hear an undercurrent of anger in his voice, though he wasn’t sure it was aimed completely at Virgil anymore.
“They don’t,” Virgil said, and Janus was surprised to hear his voice shaking. “Not anymore. Because they realized what it pushed me to and how much it would harm Thomas.”
Janus narrowed his eyes further in suspicion. “What it pushed you to?” he asked.
“Yeah,” Virgil said, glaring at him. “Maybe you should try watching some of the old videos sometime. Or maybe you should have tried asking me how I was doing while we were making them. Or tried doing anything other than sighing in disappointment and going back to your rooms when I came home a failure. Yeah, let’s send the embodiment of Anxiety to deal with constant pressure and rejection and then give him zero support or buildup afterwards, I think that’ll go swimmingly.” Virgil’s voice cracked on the last word, and Janus’ eyes widened slightly.
“You abandoned me first,” Virgil said, not seeming to even try pushing past the shaky wobble in his voice anymore. “Why should I have to stay with you? Why should I have to deal with you all over again? Leave me the fuck alone.”
Remus took another step back, not seeming so angry anymore. “What… what does that have to do with not liking our perspectives?” he asked hesitantly.
Virgil dug his hands in his hair and pulled on it. “Fucking hell, nothing,” he snapped. “I was hurt, okay? As if neither of you have ever found it easier to lash out than say you’re hurt. Anger’s just easier.”
He sighed and dropped his hands, looking more exhausted than angry now. “Fine,” he said. “I’ll try to stop yelling at you on principle. Just get out. I’d like to at least try to enjoy this stupid rest day.”
Janus didn’t have a clue what to say anymore, and for once it seemed Remus was at a loss for words too.
Virgil seemed to take that as refusal, and just glared at them again. “Do I have to kick you out?” he snapped, though it came out weak. “I will.”
Janus didn’t really trust himself to speak, so instead he just took Remus’ arm and sank them both out to the commons again.
Remus turned to Janus instantly. “What did he mean by what it pushed him to?”
“Well, I definitely have the answer to that,” Janus said. “I’ve just decided to keep it from you for fun.”
Remus’ face twisted up slightly, though Janus couldn’t read what emotion was there. “I’ll see you at dinner,” he said finally, and pulled out his phone as he started towards his room. Janus saw him navigating to YouTube.
He wasn’t sure when he actually decided to do the same, but that’s where he ended up. He pulled up the videos on his phone and sat on his bed. He snapped himself into his favorite pajamas to try and give himself some comfort in watching them, because judging by Virgil’s face, there wasn’t going to be much.
…He ended up being right about that.
Remus must have started watching them just before he did, because Janus was almost finished with the second one of Virgil’s acceptance videos when he burst into the room.
And unfortunately, Janus was going to have to finish them another time, because Remus immediately tackled him onto the bed and buried his head in his shoulder.
“Janus,” he whined, sounding close to wrecked. Janus wasn’t sure what else to do other than summon some extra arms to wrap around him.
“It’s going to be okay, Remus,” he lied.
He didn’t really expect Remus to believe him, and he wasn’t surprised when he shook his head, knocking it against Janus’ chin.
“How did we not notice?” Remus asked.
Janus was pretty sure it had a lot to do with the two of them hurting too. Watching Virgil start to care more about the core sides wasn’t easy, especially for Remus, who’d never really gotten over being abandoned by Roman.
That didn’t mean they shouldn’t have noticed something, though.
Janus looked down at the video he’d been watching. Clearly. Clearly, they should have noticed something.
“What…” Remus said weakly. “What do we do now?”
Janus was silent for a minute. “I think we need to give him space, Remus,” he said quietly. “I think we might all need some space.”
“I don’t want space,” Remus whispered. “I’m tired of being alone.”
“I know,” Janus murmured. “I am too. But… I don’t think we’re getting very far by continuing to be angry. I think we need some time to stop being angry.”
Remus sniffed and buried his head in Janus’ chest. “Squish me?” he whispered.
Janus summoned the rest of his extra arms and pulled Remus to his chest, squeezing him as tightly as he could.
“I’m here, darling,” he whispered. “I’ll be here.”
“I’ll be here too,” Remus murmured. He sniffed again. “Love you, Snakey.”
“I love you too, Re,” Janus whispered.
They both laid there for a long time.
…
Janus waited until all reasonable people were asleep before rising up again in Virgil’s room. Thankfully, Virgil was laying on his bed, facing the wall.
Janus moved over to set the stuffed animal Remus had made him on his desk. He’d worked hard on it— there weren’t even any blood or guts on it, it was just a simple spider plushie. He’d also left a note that said the plushie wasn’t an attempted replacement for an apology, which he said was in case Virgil came to the conclusion that that’s what he was trying to do. Janus was pretty sure Virgil wouldn’t come to that conclusion, but Remus had insisted.
Janus looked over at Virgil’s sleeping form again. It was easier to be vulnerable when he was alone, and he had to get all the words that had built up out of him somehow.
“It really hurt,” he said softly, quiet enough to avoid waking Virgil. “When you left. Remus felt like it was Roman all over again, and I had to hold him through some really hard nights.”
He looked for a minute longer at Virgil, trying to sort out his thoughts past the ache in his chest.
“I think you’re wrong,” he said finally. “The core sides didn’t stop their behavior towards you because of what it would do to Thomas. They… they love you, Virgil. They didn’t like that they hurt you.” He sighed. “Maybe at first it was about Thomas,” he admitted. “But it’s definitely not anymore. I hope you know that.”
He turned to face the desk, picked up the spider plush, and carried it over to set it down to Virgil. He stepped back slightly, not wanting to risk waking him up by moving much more.
“I’m sorry,” he said to Virgil’s sleeping form.
He started to sink back out to his room, but just before he did, he almost thought he heard a whispered “Me too.”
He’d blame it on the exhaustion.