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"Dean.. I think we need to talk."
His heart froze the moment those seven words left his mouth. Bad idea, bad idea, bad idea-
Dean looked up from his laptop, setting his beer down. Castiel could never understand why he would choose to always drink it. Sure, certain brands and flavors were enjoyable, but anytime he drank too much, his head would hurt and his vision would blur. How did Dean deal with that constantly, Castiel constantly asked himself, with slight admiration.
Clearing his throat after a moment which seemed like it lasted for all of eternity, the hunter spoke up.
" Yeah, Cass, what's up?"
The angel looked down, at his hands, which he was fidgeting with, almost as if he was ashamed. But he could never be ashamed of the way he was feeling. Maybe embarrassed, he didn't know what it was or why he felt this way, what if it was something bad?
"Is everything okay, Cass?" Dean asked the angel, worry flowing into his voice.
"Yes. I- I just can't seem to word.. how I'm feeling..", Castiel responded, looking up, shoving his hands into the pockets of his trench coat.
"Feelings?" The hunter paused. "Okay.. is it relatively good or bad?".
"It.. it feels good. It feels warm, it feels nice. I feel… confused. Like my heart is about to- figuratively- explode.. but in a nice way." Castiel answered, his eyes darting around the room, trying to avoid eye contact as his face heated up.
Dean paused for a moment before responding, staring at the ground, then looking back up at him. "Okay.. what's confusing about these.. feelings, then?".
There was a pause before Castiel responded, trying to figure out how to word the precious feelings he had. It was new, interesting, exciting, yet scary and confusing- but he didn't want to ever lose this feeling. Ever. It made him want to smile endlessly, see every sight there was to see, smell every flower. It made him feel alive, free. Happy.
"I- I've never felt this before.. I feel sick, but in a good way. My stomach is in.. knots- figuratively- and I feel like I could pass out at any moment, but I don't hate this.. feeling." He spoke slowly, carefully choosing his words, not knowing how to describe the funny feeling he had. It would flare up in his chest and stomach whenever he simply looked at Dean.
"I enjoy it, and I want to feel more of it." Castiel spoke again, making eye contact, his chest tightening, the air being squeezed out of him, but he forced himself to continue. There was no going back now. "And it's you. You're the source of these newfound emotions. And I… I'm scared it's something bad, Dean. Whatever this is.." Castiel paused, trying to focus his brain, and reel himself back into reality. ".. Because I don't want to- to ever lose this. Ever."
Castiel stared at the hunter in front of him, his brain screaming at him to shut up. This wasn't right, this wasn't natural, he wasn't supposed to feel this way. But Castiel didn't care. He liked being around Dean and he liked the feeling he got from being around him- whatever it was. He didn't want to lose any of this, the past few years had been the best years of his life- and he had been around for quite a while.
He wanted to see Dean everyday, see his stupid smile and the same old witty, yet frankly quite rude, comments and jokes. He wanted to hug him constantly, the weight of his arms wrapped around him bringing him peace of mind, even if for even a moment. He wanted to hear him laugh at the stupidest jokes, his eyes slightly scrunching and his wide grin. And his laugh, oh Dean's laugh. That laugh, it's what first sparked this feeling.
"Dean.. Dean please say something, anything, am I wrong for feeling this way? Is this wrong? Is this unnatural-?", the angel started to panic slightly, what if he just ruined the most important relationship of his life?
Dean let out a soft sigh with a smile. "Cass.. what you just described… that's love, I think. You.. you love me." The hunter crossed his arms. "That's not a bad thing." Dean shook his head. "That's actually really great.." Castiel inhaled sharply, confused. Love? What a funny word..
"Love? What is love?" Castiel asked, taking his hands out of his pocket to fidget with again, still slightly shaking from the anxiety of his confession.
Love…
"Love.. love is weird. You're right, you feel sick to your stomach, but in a good way. That's called butterflies-" Castiel opened his mouth to speak but Dean quickly stopped him. "It's a metaphor, you don't actually have butterflies in your stomach." He chuckled. "It.. there's a lot of trust, comfort, and safety in love.." He paused, looking down with a smile.
That goddamn smile.
"God, I sound like something right out of a chick flick right now.." Looking back up, he straightened out his face slightly. "It's not a bad thing, at all, whatever. I.." the hunter paused, uncrossing his arms to mess with a hangnail. "I feel the same way."
Castiel let out a sigh of relief, he didn't even know he had been holding his breath, but apparently he had been. Dean's face started to glow bright red, which caused Castiel to grin goofily slightly.
" You do?"
"Yeah, yeah. I do." Dean nodded. "I.. love you, I suppose. God, never thought I'd be saying that.. especially to you, oh lord-"
"So, is there more to love? I'm sorry, I'm just new to this, I don't wanna do or say anything wrong, even talking to you about this was a big risk, I-"
"Hey.." Dean cut off Castiel, standing up and walking over to him. "It's okay, you're okay. I get it, it's weird, I've never felt this way either.. well I have but… it's different with a guy, y'know?" The hunter laughed nervously. The angel chuckled slightly at his nervousness, it was cute trying to see him express himself. Dean had made an image for himself, being tough, the type of guy who was more focused on literally anything else.
"And yeah, there is more, I guess. There's dating, if that's what you mean."
"Dating? What's dating?" There were so many things to learn about love, how could he keep up? He didn't want to mess anything up.
"It's hard to explain- that's kinda what love is, to be honest- but dating is whenever two people who love each other become a couple, like they go out one cheesy dates and watch romantic movies together and do all sorts of lovey dovey stuff together.. Well not all couples do that, but most do."
"So are we dating?" Castiel blurted out, clearly confused, causing Dean's face to turn an even brighter red.
"I uh- ahem, uh.. I mean- You would normally ask someone to go out with you.. it's alright, you're new to this stuff." He joked lightly, patting Castiel's shoulder, which caused the "butterflies" to reappear.
"I don't mind it, but what about you? Relationships- that's what you're in whenever you date- can be very serious." Dean asked genuinely, his true concern for Castiel starting to show.
"I… I want to be with you in every way I can, I want to see every smile and hear every laugh, I want to be there to make you feel better whenever you feel unhappy, I want to cause you as much joy as you've caused me.. " The angel stated, starting slowly, his answer becoming more confident as he went on. "I think I'm ready.".
Dean smiled brightly, causing Castiel to smile as well. "Great! This is.. wow, this is.. this is great.. this is.. awesome." He chuckled, becoming a stuttering mess.
Castiel giggled quietly, looking at Dean, just simply admiring his features. Dean looked back up, returning the gaze.
"... So, what do we do now? That we're officially a thing?"
"... Can I have a hug?"
"Of course."
Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel's shoulders, as Castiel wrapped his around Dean's torso, pulling him close, hugging him tight as possible. The angel took a deep breath, the butterfly feeling returning as he closed his eyes. He was back where he belonged, safe, in Dean's arms. The sound of his heartbeat soothing every worry in his mind.
Sure, the next day would soon come, and more trouble would stir. Words would be said that would hurt, and actions would be made that they would soon both regret, but that could wait. Castiel was safe and sound, where he belonged. Everything could wait. Until then, he enjoyed the sound of his lover's heart beat, and the feeling in his chest that he never wanted to lose. Never.