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TK rocked on the heels of his feet, his hands wringing together before him. He ran his tongue across his lips, as his thumb dug into his palm. He reached out, quickly knocking on the door before shoving his hands into his jeans.
He heard movement inside, straightening his posture and pulling the corners of his lips up into a smile.
Tommy opened the door with a smile, one hand resting on the door frame and the other in her back pocket, “TK,” She greeted, moving to the side and motioning for him to enter.
TK gave her a small nod as he entered the house, his hands still twisted together. The door closed behind him, TK noticing Nancy by the island in the kitchen. She swirled around on the stool, slipping off it as she walked over to him.
“Hey Nance,” He smiled, the two greeting with a quick gentle hug.
She gave his shoulder a small squeeze, “Hey TK,” she breathed.
The small group made their way over to the island, Nancy and TK on the stools and Tommy on the other side, passing them coffees.
Tommy placed a small mug in front of TK, squeezing his hand softly, “Thanks,” He breathed, fingers wrapping around the mug. It was a painful déjà vu. They had all sat in these exact seats talking about Tommy’s future with the 126 after Charles's death.
It hadn’t even been a year since that conversation, since they lost Charles.
And now they’d lost Gwyn.
“How was shift today,” he asked, staring down at the liquid as he cleared his throat.
“Good, busy like always but, good,” She said, like she was stuck between making it sound too good and not wanting to make it seem like it had been tough.
“How have you been?” Nancy asked, sipping her own mug.
How had he been?
TK opened his mouth; he had no idea how to answer that question anymore. He blinked, his jaw clenching and tensing, “Sorry that-that was a stupid question-“ Nancy stuttered, placing her mug on the table and turning to face TK.
He pulled the vacant smile back on his lips, “No, no it wasn’t” He said, “I’m okay,” he spoke through the smile, it dropping slightly with each letter. He swallowed, “I’m…doing better,” it wasn’t the truth, but it wasn’t a lie, It was a happy medium that TK could get through without feeling too much guilt, “Thanks for getting someone to cover my shifts I know-“
“You take as much time as you need okay,” Tommy smiled, “We’ll be here,” She said, Tommy and Nancy giving TK a comforting look.
“You guys are the best you know,” He said, wondering if they knew how much he meant it, how much they meant, “Don’t tell the others I said that,” he said, playfully nudging his arm against Nancys.
He froze, noticing a pained look on Nancy’s face, her head dropping forward.
“TK,” Nancy started, clearing her throat, “I-I need to tell you something,” she said, shifting on the seat to face him.
TK swallowed hard, his hand slipping off the table into his lap, his fingernails digging into his palms. “After you left the station when you came in before your flight,” She gulped, almost squirming in her seat like the words she was saying made her physically uncomfortable, “I went to Tommy and,” She looked over at her Captain, TK unable to take his eyes off Nancy.
How did they know? How was it possible?
“We did an inventory check,” She said.
TK choked.
The air in his lungs turned to ice as he tried to keep a neutral face, “It felt wrong and I-I wasn’t doubting you but, you left the pouch open and came in a few hours before your flight and beelined for the truck I just-,” She staggered over her words, shaking her head as she spoke. She took a breath, holding her hands together in front of her, “Obviously nothing was taken but, I just, had to be sure” She bit the skin on her lips, her brows furrowed together, “I had to tell you, it felt like I was keeping a secret and partner don’t do that,” She smiled.
Partners didn’t keep secrets.
The sickness in his stomach that had been there all week rose, TK swallowing hard and tried to catch any air he could, his head starting to feel dizzy and light.
TK blinked quickly, staring down at his lap, unable to look his partner in the eyes.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Nancy,” He quietly said, “You were right to check the bag and the truck,” He stared, his bottom lip starting to tremble like it couldn’t hold the lies anymore “I was-I was really messed up that day and-” He cleared his throat, wetting his lips.
His hand felt cold, like the vial of fentanyl was still clutched in his trembling hands. He opened his palm; the vials weren't in there, but they still shook, were still clammy.
He glanced up, both Tommy and Nancy staring at him with concern.
Partners didn’t keep secrets.
His mouth formed an ‘O’ shape but no words left. His hands wrapped around the mug, “I just wanted to do something useful,” The lie slipped off his lips so easily, like it had all week, “I didn’t mean to scare you, I’m fine,”
Nancy let out a relieved breath, a smile gracing her lips, “That’s what I thought, I know you wouldn’t have taken anything,”
“Mommy! We need help with our homework!” The girls called in unison as they spiked into the room from their bedrooms.
Tommy turned around, kneeling in front of them, “I’ll be in in a moment, I’m just talking to TK and Nancy okay,” She said, holding both their hands.
The harsh lines of the island started to blur as TK watched Tommy interact with her children. He remembered the way his mother would help him, the way she would sit with him for hours.
The girls nodded, starting to head back to their rooms when Isabella stopped, turning around and walking back to TK.
“We’re sorry about your mom,” She said, her voice soft and quiet, her wide eyes starting up at him, “Our mom says Dads in a good place now, I’m sure your mom is there too, she was great,” The use of the past tense was like a knife in TK’s chest, twisting every time someone said it until he couldn’t breathe.
He nodded, “She was,” he said, the words sound more like a gasp than anything.
Isabella smiled at him, turning and skipping back to her room.
Tommy sighed, “TK I’m so-“
“It’s okay,” he said, waving her off. “Anyway, I should get going,” He breathed, slipping off the stool, quickly turning around to wipe his forearm across his eyes clearing them.
“TK,” Nancy said, reaching out to gently take his arm, “If you need anything, you can count on us, always,” She assured.
🖤 🖤 🖤
He slipped into the loft, throwing his jacket onto the back of the sofa. He rolled his neck, the ache still there, “Hey, how were Tommy and Nancy?” Carlos called from the kitchen.
TK sighed. Normally Carlos's voice would bring him comfort, but TK just wanted to curl up and forget about the world, forget about the mistakes he had made-was still making. TK closed his eyes, the headache thudding away against his skull.
“Good,” He murmured, walking into the kitchen, his forearms slumping down on it, his head falling forward.
The sounds of cooking coming from the kitchen quietened and TK heard soft footsteps coming closer to him, “You okay?” He asked, squeezing TK’s shoulder from behind, placing a soft kiss on the back of his head.
He just nodded; his hands clasped on the island, "Yeah," he sighed again, unable to muster anything else up.
Carlos walked back to the stove, continuing to prepare dinner for them.
TK lowered his head into his hands, his fingers pressed harshly against his temples. He watched as Carlos lifted a groceries bag from the floor, placing it on the kitchen counter. TK forgot that tomorrow the 126 were meant to be coming over, Carlos having gone out to get the snacks and drinks for the evening. It had been a while since TK had seen the 126, after the funeral-the one he had never made, TK had had the week off, trying to process what had happened.
The glass bottles clanged against each other as he pulled them from his packing and placed them into the fridge.
TK clenched his jaw, his teeth grinding together as his eyes began to hurt with how hard he had them closed. TK could practically smell the beer, feel the ice-cold glass in his hands as the drops of water tumbled down his hand. He squeezed his hands together, tugging at the ends of his hair.
The clinking grew louder and louder, assaulting his mind like someone was crawling at his skull, “Can you just-“ He snapped, standing up, hands thrown out to the side, “Can you just stop,” He panted, his hands falling weakly by his side.
Fuck.
What was wrong with him?
TK knew what was wrong, it was the same thing that was always wrong. The same thing that had plagued him for years, the dark cloud that always followed him.
TK walked out of the kitchen, collapsing on the sofa. Even though his eyes were closed, the sudden darkness before him told him Carlos was sitting on the coffee table In front of him, “Ty, babe,” Carlos soothed, reaching out to take TK’s hands, “Talk to me,” he said, lowering his head to TK’s level.
TK shook his head, clenching his jaw, “You didn’t fall in love with this,” he choked.
Carlos squeezed TK’s hand harder, “What are you talking about-“
“This,” He cried, “Me, you didn’t fall in love with this,”
Carlos moved forward on the table, “Yes I did TK-“
“No,” TK sighed, standing from the sofa and walking into the open space of their home, “You fell in love with the put-together version of me,” He said, arms crossed tight over his chest like it would protect him, “Not the real me, not the one that screws up, that-that is weak,”
Carlos quickly walked over to TK, his hands resting on his biceps, “TK, you’re not weak-“
“Yes I am,” TK argued, stepping back from Clarlos’s comforting embrace, he didn't deserve it, “The day of the funeral, when you came home and I wasn’t here,” He started, ready again to blow everything up. This time, not because everything was perfect, but because it was the opposite, ”I told you and everyone else it was to keep busy and to have a normal day but-“ Carlos frowned, his head slowly tilting to the side.
He should stop.
Tell Carlos a different version of the truth, one that wouldn’t destroy everything he had built. TK didn't have to tell Carlos, he didn't do anything, not really. TK was just blowing this out of proportion-
There’s no one else to lie to TK.
His mother's words rang in his ears. The fight drained from his body, TK leaning back against the large pillar in the middle of the room.
“I went there to score,” His voice was so quiet he wasn’t even sure Carlos heard, “I was going to steal fentanyl, use it to just forgot about everything and-“ He trailed off, staring at the dark floor, “Then my dad turned up,” His hands picked at the bobbles on his jumper, “I didn’t stop because I was strong or knew better, but because my dad practically dragged me out of the truck,” That’s what hurt the most.
It wasn’t TK who pulled himself out of the dark pit, it wasn’t him who had fixed it.
“I’m so sorry Carlos,” he cried, feeling himself starting to slide down the wall.
Carlos's hands wrapped around TK’s arms, “Hey, hey, it’s okay,” he soothed, practically keeping TK upright.
“No it’s not,” TK protested, “She deserved better, she deserved a better son,”
A soft touch graced his cheek, “TK, look at me,” he whispered, his thumb smoothing his skin. TK flicked his eyes up, a tear spilling over the edge, “You’re an amazing son,”
“Was I?” TK questioned, “She came and dragged my ass outta some drug house in queens, flew me across the country to get me into rehab and sober and-“ The words stumbled over each other and TK squeezed his eyes shut, hoping to shut out reality; but it was still there, “I was going to take drugs the day of her funeral,” The words practically burned his mouth, the truth a bitter thing to sallow.
“TK,” Carlos breathed, his thumb brushing away the tears, “I’m not going to pretend I know what you’re going through right now okay, because I don’t” It was honest, and TK appreciated it. No ‘I understand,’ no ‘I get what you're going through' but the plain truth that no one knew what TK was going through TK's mind, no one understood the hole in his heart, “But I know you, and I know how hard you try and how hard you have worked to stay sober,” Carlos said, “It’s okay to stumble TK, we all do,” He comforted, his hand coming to rest on the back of TK’s neck.
“This was more than a stumble Carlos,” TK admitted, his eyes clasped close together “And I can’t promise it won’t happen again,” TK wanted to say it wouldn’t happen, that TK would spend the rest of their lives sober, but he knew it wasn’t a promise he could make, “This-addiction, being with an addict, it's messy and hard and…” His head fell back, a small thud sounding around the loft, “You don’t deserve that,” TK said.
“TK, I love you and I’m not going anywhere,” Carlos whispered.
“I lied to Tommy and Nancy about what I was doing,” TK said, tearing his eyes away from Carlos, “Nancy apologised for doing a count of the drugs like she was the one in the wrong,” A bitter laugh left his lips, shaking his head and shrugging his shoulders, “When it was me,” TK was the one in the wrong, the one who had betrayed everyone’s trust, “I lied to my partner, my captain,” TKs eyes drifted back to Carlos, “And you,” he said, suppressing the sob that was aching to get out, “I’m a liar and an addict,” TK started, his lips trembling.
“And you’re thoughtful, kind, funny and one of the best people I know,” Carlos interrupted.
“You’re right, this is hard and there’s going to be times we both struggle, but that’s okay,” A soft smile graced Carlos’s lips, “Why don’t we have some food?” Carlos asked.
TK nodded, pushing himself off the pillar, “Yeah,” He gently sighed. Carlos went to walk back into the kitchen when he stopped, noticing that TK wasn’t following him, “What am I going to do about Tommy and Nancy,” He whispered, “What am I going to tell them?” It wasn’t the punishment he was worried about, or getting into trouble, but the idea of letting his team down, of seeing their disappointed faces…TK bit his lip harshly.
“What do you want to tell them?” Carlos asked, walking back over to TK.
TK sighed, his tongue running across the inside of his lip, “The truth,” it was what they deserved.
Carlos gave a small nod, “Then do that,” It sounded simple when he said it, and maybe it was? “And I’ll be here afterwards or during, whatever you need,” He assured.
TK looked off to the side, chewing the inside of his cheek, Carlo stepped forward, his forehead resting against TK's, “We’re going to be okay,” Carlos said, “And when we're not, we’ll have each other,” TK blinked rapidly, tears cascading down his cheek. "I'm always going to be here TK," He soothed.
“I love you so much,” TK gasped, barely able to get the words out.
“I love you too babe,” Carlos smiled. TK turned his head to the side, kissing the inside of Carlos’s wrist.
Things wouldn't always be okay, that was a harsh truth TK had come to accept. Normally the idea would terrify TK, the idea that everything was out of his control and he had no idea what was coming next. Carlos pulled his head back, smiling at TK, his hands coming to rest on TK's shoulders, "Let's go eat," TK said, the first real smile in days gracing his lips.
He was going to struggle, he still was, and he still had to talk to Tommy and Nancy but with Carlos next to him, it didn't seem so daunting.