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“And who is this from?" his mom said, turning the small box over in her hand, his father sat next to her staring down at the box with a wide smile, "I can't seem to find a label," She said, somehow his mom was unable to find the large label that hung from the box, his parents sharing a smile every now and then.
TK was basically bouncing on his spot on the sofa, "It's from me!"" He squealed, excitement coursing through his body.
Gwyn's mouth fell open, her brows raised in joy, "From you!" She gasped, undoing the loose wrapping around the box. She tugged open the lid, pulling out a large card covered in glitter a piece of art TK had drawn on the front.
"Do you like it?" TK asked, crawling off the sofa towards his mom, rocking on his heels as he stood in front of her, his hands on her knees.
His mom smiled, placing the card carefully down on the table as she reached out to pick him up, holding him in her lap, "I love it," She beamed, "Just like I love you, my special boy," She whispered, placing a kiss on the tip of his nose.
TK ran his hand across the fading writing, small flakes of glitter falling to the floor. The breath he draw in was shaky, TK rolling his bottom lip between his teeth to keep it steady.
"You draw that?" Carlos asked, his hands coming to rest on TK's shoulders, a soft kiss greeting the top of his head.
TK laughed, nodding, "My mum loved it," He said, his finger running over the child's drawing of her, "I can't believe she kept it," He breathed, his hand gripping the paper a little harder. TK had given it to his mom when he was around 5, at the time TK had believed it was the best present.
"It's a good drawing," Carlos said, his hands still on TK's shoulder. TK reached up, running his hand over one of Carlos's, entwining their fingers.
"No it's not," He said, trying his best to smile. TK dropped the picture back into the small box, pulling the lid back upon it. TK stood from the leather chair, turning to see Carlos watching him.
His brows were drawn together, his eyes trailing TK's face while his hands fidgeted in his pocket.
"I'm okay," TK says, flashing a quick smile, it dropping as soon as it formed.
"I didn't say anything," Carlos said, stepping closer to TK.
TK cocked his head to the side, one brow raised, "I can see it on your face," he sighed.
Pity.
Sympathy.
TK wasn't quite sure, but knew he hated them both.
Carlos's face softened, his hand reaching out to take TK's.
"You know you don't have to go into today right?" Carlos said.
Today.
October 23rd.
A normal day to anyone else.
No one would wake up and think today was any different. No one would blink an eye at the date.
But TK did.
Today was his mom's birthday. And the first one she wasn't here for.
"I think I need to," TK sighed, leaning against the windowsill behind him, his hands gripping the edge. It had been a few months since the incident with Sadie, and TK had spent every day since trying to cling onto his sobriety, attending a meeting every day and speaking to his sponsor whenever he could. He realised that he needed to stay busy to keep his mind and body focused on something else, and today, TK needed that more than anything.
"Okay," Carlos nodded, placing a kiss on the back of TK's palm.
TK turned his head, squinting his eyes as he looked out the window, the harsh light of the morning pouring in.
Normally TK would welcome the fresh sun but today it felt like an invasion. A harsh life illuminating his life, and who was lacking from it.
"You know you don't have to come tonight if you don't want to," TK said, his voice noticeable quiet.
"I know," Carlos said, "But I want to be there," TK finally pulled his head back, the room looking dark as his eyes adjusted, "You know you don't have to either right," Carlos said, "I know you dad wants to get everyone together to celebrate and remember and that's great, but if you'd rather stay in, he'd understand." TK couldn't help but smile.
TK was sure he had never met anyone that cared about him as much as Carlos did. His dad had decided that it would be good to celebrate Gywn's birthday, like she would have wanted. TK had been dreading today, the week before TK found his chest heavy and his stomach a constant pit. Part of him wanted to curl up under the sheets and hide until the day passed, but he didn't. His mom wouldn't have wanted that, and hiding wouldn't change today's date.
TK shook his head, "It will be good, to see everyone," He said, "Plus talking about her, it's nice," TK had been going to meetings with Tommy most weeks, listening to other's experiences and sharing his own allowed TK a release he needed. TK pulled his head up, Carlos's eyes still on him, "Are you going to look at me like this all day?" he sighed.
Carlos gave a small laugh, "Like what? with love, comfort?" He teased, TK finding himself returning the smile. Carlos leaned forward, placing a kiss on TK's forehead, his hands coming to cup the man's face, "I know I can't make this better, but if there's anything I can do," He said, not having to finish the rest, the fact that they would also be there for one another an unspoken constant truth.
Carlos pulled back, going to step back into the kitchen when TK caught his hand, "You do make it better," TK quietly spoke.
He couldn't take away the grief, or the pain.
But he lessened it, reminded TK that there was good in the world, that there was some light in it.
🖤 🖤 🖤
The day was slow, like time had somehow shifted like there were more seconds in a minutes and more minutes in an hour.
Everyone was nice.
Too nice.
When TK had gotten to work; a few minutes late, neither Tommy nor Nancy had said anything. In fact, they had greeted him with a coffee.
The rest of the 126 had greeted him with gentle smiles, no jokes about his lateness or the fact that he had accidentally put Carlos’s jumper on while dashing out the door,
TK knew why they were being nice, and he hated it.
He knew in their minds they were helping, that they were lessening his pain by being kind but it had the opposite effect. It was a constant reminder that today was different, that today wasn’t a normal day.
But maybe it was?
What was today anymore? It used to be a day to celebrate but now...TK didn't know what it was anymore besides a painful reminder. The bell of a medical call cut TK’s spiralling off, TK focusing his mind on the call.
🖤 🖤 🖤
TK watched as Owen hunched over in laughter, slapping his leg as he told the group a story that TK had heard a thousand times; the story of how his parents had met.
Carlos grazed his fingers over TK’s leg, a small reminder that he was there.
“I still can’t believe she agreed to another date,” Owen smiled.
TK shook his head, taking a sip of water, “Neither can I,”
“Well, you wouldn’t be here if she hadn’t,” Owen said, TK making a disgusted face as his dad patted him on the back.
“Did he tell you about their wedding, how he lost the ring an hour before the ceremony,” TK said, the group giving a loud gasp.
“You did not!” Tommy called.
Owen knitted his brows together, holding his hands up, “You make it sound worse than it was,” He said.
“Every time mom told that story the time would get closer to the wedding,” He laughed, “I’m pretty sure when she first told me it was the night before the wedding,” He said. The story changed slightly whenever she told it, but the main parts stayed, the way her face lit up whenever she told it and the way she never let Owen interpret; that never changed.
TK and Owen shared a laugh, Owen giving TK’s shoulder a small squeeze.
The group continued to share stories, the 126 talking about when Gywn came to visit the 126, the few times she had come to visit TK.
Then Owen started talking about the brief weeks she lived in Austin and her despite of the espresso cups. “Mad respect to her,” Nancy said, “I don’t think I could have put up with you cap,” The group laughed, Nancy sitting back in her seat, “No offence of course,” She smiled.
“None taken.”
“Remember her tea infusers” TK started.
“Oh yeah, the one buttercup eat,” Judd said, reaching down to pat the dog’s head.
Mateo sat forward, taking a chip from the bowl, “The sloth, right?” He asked.
“Yeah,” TK said, his voice sounding uncertain. Had TK told them about this?
“God she loved those things,” Owen sighed, “That wasn’t the first time someone had tried to eat one of those,” he said, his eyes cast over at TK.
TK went to smile when Grace spoke, “It was a duck right,” She said, “Gywn told me at TK’s party,” She said, turning to face Judd.
“Oh yeah! I forgot about that,” Judd laughed, “She walked in to find you munching on it like a cookie,” Judd laughed, turning to TK.
They already knew the story.
TK swallowed, finding himself sinking back into the chair.
Something shifted.
And TK seemed to be the only one to notice.
Someone would start a story and someone else would finish it. Owen would say something, and Tommy or Judd would know the rest of the story. Marjan starting a story and Mateo knowing it as well.
They began to repeat themselves. The same story being told from different perspectives.
But it was the same story.
“TK insisted they put peanut butter in, and when they said no what did you say TK,” Owen laughed while asking.
Silence slinked into the house, spreading out across the room until nothing could be heard, “TK?” Owen repeated.
His voice was muffled like Owen was speaking in another room or through a mask. TK pulled his head up, finding his vision was blurred, the sharp edges of the room now soft.
“Hey,” Carlos said, now kneeling in front of TK, trying to catch his vision, “You okay,” He mouthed.
TK tried to take in a breath, but found a tight hand around his throat. TK sprang from the chair, almost knocking it over. Carlos stumbled back as TK staggered to the door. He threw it open, stumbling out onto the front step, taking in the cold air.
A soft thud sounded, the door swinging shut behind him.
TK sat down on the front step before his legs made the decision for him. His head hung forward, his hands clutched together.
He heard the door open behind him, a brief pause before someone sat next to him; Tommy.
She didn’t say anything, and for a moment the pair just sat there watching the cars go past. “We repeated ourselves,” He whispered, the admission almost getting lost in the wind, “We all knew the stories and were telling the same ones,” He swallowed, the truth like a tumour in his throat. TK gnawed at his bottom lip, his eyes blinking rapidly. TK sniffed, looking up at the blue sky above, “There’s never going to be new memories of her,” TK pulled his head down, the world seemingly a little darker as he did.
TK would never have a new story to tell Carlos, they’d never make another memory with her, “We’ll just keep repeating the same ones until-“ TK hunched forward, unable to finish the sentence, “Is that all she is now, just- a memory,”
Just a story that got told, a photo that someone saw.
TK wondered how long it would take before people stopped asking, how long until the stories stopped being told.
TK finally glanced over at Tommy, a tear tracking down her cheek, “What happens when we share them all and there’s nothing else to talk about, will we just- stop,” Would this day roll around one year and no one notice? The thought seemed unbearable, but so did the idea of not making any more memories with his mom.
“Unfortunately losing someone means, eventually yeah, we might feel like we’ve told all the stories,” Tommy said, “But that doesn’t make them any less important,” She said, a tender smile as she spoke, “You could repeat a story a thousand times but never lose the way it made you feel when it happened,” Tommy said.
“I must have told the story about how I met Charles a hundred times, and every time I tell it,” A wide loving smile spread across her lips, “My heart still skips a beat and I still can’t help but smile,” She said, “None of us are going to forget Gywn TK,” Tommy assured, reaching out to take TK’s hand and giving it a small squeeze.
“Thanks, Cap,” TK said, his voice sounding like a gasp.
“Hey,” Both turned to see Carlos standing behind the pair, his hands tucked into his pockets.
Tommy gave TK a final reassuring squeeze before standing and heading back into the house.
Carlos took her seat, sitting closer to TK, there legs pressed together. Again neither said anything, Carlos wrapped his arm around TK’s shoulder and pulled him into a sideway hug, a soft kiss on his hairline, “Is there anything I can do to help,” Carlos asked.
No.
It hurt on more levels than TK could count. The knowledge that there was nothing anyone could do to change what had happened, to make the pain and emptiness in his chest go. TK hated seeing the agony in Carlos’s face at being able to do nothing. The man just having to watch while everything fell apart.
It was his mom’s birthday.
She was meant to be here with them, meant to be next to TK giddy about the cake and rolling her eyes at whatever speech Owen always made and the ridiculous card he bought.
TK couldn't remember the last birthday he had spent with her.
“Anything you want or need?” Carlos gently said.
It was a simple question, yet, it broke something inside of TK.
Something that had been hardly holding together since the phone all in the loft, since Sadie.
The sob escaped TK’s lips like a confession, “My mom,” He wept, "I want my mom," He cried, his chest barely able to contain the sobs that erupted, TK's whole body feeling like it was going to shatter.
Carlos pulled TK into a tight embrace, TK sobbing into his boyfriend’s chest.
Everything hurt.
His chest, his throat, stomach. Everything ached and felt numb at the same time as TK broke down into Carlos’s lap.
“I’m here,” Carlos soothed, his hand rubbing TK’s back, the other cradling his face against his chest. The sobs finally began to slow, turning into broken gasps, not because the pain had lessened, but TK simply had nothing left. TK pulled back, Carlos’s hands wiping away the tears that continued to run down TK’s cheeks, “Can we go home?” TK gulped.
“Of course,” Carlos smiled, leaning forward to place a light kiss on his cheek, "lets go home,"
🖤 🖤 🖤
TK couldn’t bring himself to go back to his father’s house, to many memories assaulted him when he entered. TK barely able to stay upright without the looks of sympathy from the group. Carlos said their goodbyes for him, ensuring TK that his father understood why the man needed to go home. Carlos had offered to call TK's sponsor, but TK had refused. There was a lot Cooper understood but right now, TK didn't want to have to explain his feelings to anyone, he just wanted to go home.
The sky outside was dark when they returned to the loft, no sun cascading through the window anymore.
TK shrugged off his jumper, hanging it on the coat rack as he dragged himself through their house. The tiredness eating away at him as he made his way to the bedroom.
He froze, the box he had left earlier still on the table. TK reached out, tipping the lid off to reveal the contents inside.
The glitter card stared up at him. He had told Carlos that story this morning; another one gone.
TK tried to hang onto Tommy’s words, clinging to them with everything he had.
“What’s the story behind this,” Carlos said, TK having not noticed the man was standing next to him.
Carlos reached out, taking out a small statue from the box, smiling down at it with fondness.
“I haven’t told you?” TK asked, his voice a whisper.
Carlos looked up, shaking his head no.
TK felt another sob snake up his throat, TK barley managing to suppress it. He leant forward, catching Carlos’s lips in his. Carlos deepened the kiss, his free hand wrapping around TK’s waist, pulling him closer. TK reached up to cup the man's face, his fingers brushing against his skin as he pulled back, the pair both panting.
“Thank you,” TK said, his lips grazing across Carlos’s.
“For what?” Carlos asked, a confused yet tender look on his face.
TK couldn’t find the words to explain.
Thank you for giving me another story to tell.
Another memory to share.
Carlos's face softened, like a part of him understood what TK had been thinking, “Just thank you,” TK smiled, his forehead resting against Carlos.
They stood there in each other’s embrace for a while, before TK stepped back, staring down at the statue in Carlos’s hand. He reached out, slipping it from Carlos’s grasp. He smiled down at it, placing it on the table next to the box, his fingers lingered on it for a moment.
“Can I tell you about it tomorrow,” TK asked, turning to face Carlos.
Carlos stepped forward, his hands wrapping around TK’s shoulders, “You can tell me whenever you want,” He assured.
They made their way to the bedroom, slipping under the covers and nestling together.
TK rested his head on Carlos's chest, the man's arms wrapped around him. TK flicked his eyes to the small clock on the side.
12:05am
It was the next day.
TK knew the mere fact it was no longer his mom's birthday wouldn't take away the pain or fear, but he had made it through the day.
He had made a thorough a day he never thought he would.
And he'd make it through tomorrow, and he tell Carlos about his mom and they'd keep doing that.