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Xiao had told her before that he did not need to sleep. When she caught him dozing off, he simply responded that the Adeptus do not need sleep. That he was fine staying awake, that he had to stay vigilant against the sins of this world and fight the demons that roamed between the world of the seen and unseen.
But if he was more honest, he would have told her that he was afraid to sleep.
For he did not dream as others did. He did not see a place to escape to when he needed peace. He did not find serenity when his eyes closed and darkness came over him. He did not feel safe in his own mind as his body grew tired and heavy. He did not have fond memories that he could return to as he lost his consciousness. If he did sleep, it was a brief moment where his body could no longer handle staying awake.
And then all he would see was red.
Red binds tore his skin as they wrapped themselves around his limbs, pulling at his body, demanding retribution for the blood he spilled. Then the pain would begin. An unforgiving pain that made each breath sharp. An unforgettable pain that would linger in his bones even when he was awake. A pain that he thought after centuries of enduring it he would become numb to, but like the first time he felt the karmic sins of demons and old gods grip his consciousness, it burned.
He did not blame his comrades for falling into madness for he knew that they also endured this misery. This torment would come every time they had a chance to rest their eyes. This agony was never-ending and inescapable. He did not blame them—he just sometimes wished he wasn’t alone in its suffering.
He would recall all the blood that was spilled during the war. He would hear the screams of all those that had fallen. Calling him an unforgivable demon, one that deserved to suffer as he did. He would feel them grip at his feet, cursing him for their own demise. They would look at him with horrifying faces, with hollowed-out eyes that stared into nothing—telling him he was too dirty, too tainted, too cursed to deserve even a moment of rest.
And then in between the screams, Xiao would hear a voice that made his blood run cold. The voice of the old god that saw him and bound him to a life of war and misery. The god that tore out his wings and told him that he did deserve to fly. Rather his only purpose in life was to spill blood and wreak havoc on behalf of a god that did not care for anyone but himself.
The god that reminded him that while Xiao may have received a new name, a new purpose, a new life, he would always be stained red and be the demon whose sins could never be washed away. He would be told that no matter how hard he tried, he would never escape his grasp.
He could feel his heartbeat pounding rapidly against his chest. Desperate as if it wanted to escape the confines that this hell trapped him in. Painful as it sped up, making it harder to breathe, and then it slowed down to almost nothing. It was then he felt like he couldn't breathe, like time had stopped and he couldn't scream out in agony.
And finally, when he felt like he could no longer take it, he fell. The bounds broke and he fell into a darkness that felt like would never end. There was no wind to catch him. There was no sky to look upon. There was no ground to fall on. It was just never-ending darkness and overwhelming silence.
The air was suffocating, his lungs felt like they were being crushed as he choked under the thick fog. He knew that the only relief he could find was to be awake and to simply endure the ache in his bones. He knew that at least in the waking world—she would be there.
As his mind drifted to think about her, all he could think about is how much he wanted to be by her side. For the waking world with her in it was far better than anything he could ever hope for.
When she smiled he would feel the tiredness in his bones vanish. When their hands touched, the eternity of pain and suffering seemed to melt away. When she leaned over to whisper his name, he did not feel cursed or doomed—he felt saved.
Her name would taste sweeter than any dream. The warmth he would feel when she was near him became something he sought out like an addict. From the moment she called out his name to the way her eyes searched for him in the crowd of the harbor or the high mountains of Liyue, he wanted it all.
So, as he fell in the darkness, he yearned to be awake again. He wanted to see her again. He want to feel her in his arms again. He wanted to be with Lumine.
His eyes stared at the darkness until he saw a flicker.
It was quick and a faint light that approached him. A small glowing thing that he reached out towards and once it was close enough he was able to recognize it.
“A firefly?”
Why was there a firefly here? How did it appear here? There was supposed to be nothing but suffering here. There was supposed to be nothing but shadows and sins. There was supposed to be nothing like this little ray of light. It wouldn’t be able to survive here, the darkness, the karmic sins, it should have snuffed it out.
But it stayed, it lingered at his fingertip before it danced and flew around his hand. Playfully landing on the tip of his nose before flying around his head. Finally perching itself on the tip of his nail, he stared at the strange thing before it’s light grew and blinded him.
Shutting his eyes quickly, he could see the afterglow from behind his eyelids, soft and warm. Xiao wondered if his time had come, perhaps this was mercy, perhaps this was the end of the line.
He hoped it wasn’t. If he was given this choice before, he would have taken it. It would have been a chance to finally rest. It would have meant that he did all that he could. It meant that no matter how resilient he was, he could no longer continue on. He would finally be free of these karmic binds.
But that was not the case anymore.
For he did not want to leave without being able to say goodbye. He did not want to leave without being able to hear her voice again. He did not want to leave without being able to see her smile. And most importantly, she would be alone.
She would quietly endure the nightmares that he took away whenever he saw them linger around her. She would suffer alone, unable to rest peacefully and she of all people deserved a good night’s sleep. And even if he knew that there were others around her, she would still get hurt on the battlefield. She would call out his name and he would not be able to come to her side. A broken vow, a missing farewell—he didn’t want any of that for her.
And more than that Xiao simply did not want to leave Lumine behind.
“Lumine.” He whispered her name, hoping that the ties that bound them would keep him in this world. Praying that it would be strong enough to help him stay. Cause if this was the end, he wanted his last words to be the name that brought him the most joy, the most peace, the most happiness.
“I’m here.”
A soft voice responded and his eyes opened quickly. The sudden light made him wince but soon an outline appeared until he saw a pair of golden eyes staring down at him. Her golden hair framed her face as she gently smiled and ran her fingers through his hair.
“You’re here….?” He whispered back before reaching out, half afraid that this was a mirage. An illusion crafted to make everything easier but then he felt the silky touch of her hair. And with that, he knew that she was real and here with him. “How are you here?”
“You called out my name.”
A response that was so simple and honest and yet he could not understand how it was possible. There was no way she could be here. But there was also nothing in the world that could mimic the sound of her laughter, bright and cheerful as she saw his confused expression.
“This is a dream…isn’t it?”
“Hmnn? Is it?” She teased as she looked around with a soft smile. Her voice was always so soft and easy on his ears. Unlike the screams of his nightmares, hers was gentle, kind, and made every anxious feeling in his chest slowly melt away. “It does seem like a dream doesn’t it?”
As he rested his head on her lap, he looked around and there was nothing but soft light and a peaceful sky. It was warm here and the air was light and crisp. This place was not in Liyue, but it still felt familiar--like they were resting on top of the clouds that drifted in the skies. It was place where there was no pain, a place where there was no suffering. A place that couldn't possibly exist.
“But I don’t dream.” He said under his breath.
He never dreamt before and yet as he felt her gentle and calming touch as she ran her fingers through his hair, he felt he could breathe again. When he saw the brightness in her eyes that sparkled as they gazed down at him, his body was no longer in pain. And when he heard the sweetness of her voice, there was no other way to explain it: this had to be a dream.
But that couldn’t be the case for Xiao could not dream. He did not know how to dream. Dreams were good and kind and sweet. Dreams were things that were given to those that were untainted and not demons that bore the weight of karmic sins.
“Then this is not a dream.”
“But I am not awake either so…this cannot be real.”
“Just because you are not awake and just because you believe this is not a dream, it doesn’t mean it’s not real.”
“Then where am I?”
“Safe.”
Safe. How foreign the word was to him but as he looked up to see her smile, he knew that there was not other word more suitable. In this space and time, they were safe. He was safe as she pressed a warm palm to his cheek and lightly stroked it with the pad of his thumb. He was safe as he saw her lower her head and felt her breath against his skin before she pressed her lips to his forehead. He was safe as he rested in her lap and for the first time eons, felt like he could let his guard down.
Xiao closed his eyes and sighed. There was no point in fighting here, there was no need to--he was safe. He could rest here. He could be at peace here. He did not want to leave this place especially since she was here with him.
"Xiao..." She called out to him so gently that he felt like the weight of the world was lifted off his shoulder.
He liked the way her voice lifted when she said his name like that. He liked the way he could hear her smile--as if simply calling out his name was enough to make her happy. And oh, how he wanted her to be happy. To see her smile and laugh was something he could never grow tired of.
"Hmn?" He leaned into her hand and she let out a soft laugh before stroking his cheek gently with the back of her hand.
"When I first arrived here...I met them."
"Them?"
A soft smile graced her lips as she curled a piece of his hair around her finger. "Your family...The other Yakshas."
A quiet fell over them, the air felt still but it wasn't uncomfortable. He stared up at the clear blue sky and wondered how long it had been since he last enjoyed a view like this. Perhaps it was before he was the last one left. He wondered if they too found peace here, in this place where they were finally safe. "How--" He paused as he choked on the words he wanted to say. "Are they still here?"
Did he want to meet them? And what would he even say if he did see them? There were too many years between them now--he lived longer without them than alongside them. Would they tell him he did well? Would they tell him it's time to go? Would they tell him that they were proud of him?
"...No."
"I see." He ignored the way his heart dropped slightly. It was better this way, if they were here, it would mean that they had not moved on. It would mean that they had been waiting here for him to arrive instead of resting. "Were they well?"
"...I think so? For I only met their echoes, and the trace that they left behind...there was no lingering resentment or pain. I think they had found peace after so much suffering." She whispered softly with words that comforted him. "But they did want me to tell you that they still worried about you."
“Haa…What is there to be worried about?" He muttered with a slight scoff, but he couldn't deny that it made him a little happier to know that they had not completely forgotten about him.
"They were worried because they left you alone."
"But I'm not alone."
Now it was her turn to look at him with a confused expression. He softly chuckled as his thumb lightly grazing her cheek. "I have you, therefore I am not alone."
Lumine blinked a few times before her smile grew. "That's what I told them. I told them that you were no longer alone because I wouldn't allow for that. And they laughed and told me to take good care of you. I think they were quite happy to know that we were together."
"I think so too."
He was happy to know that his family could know that he did not need their pity, their guilt, their sorrow. He had suffered but he also found salvation. In the hands of a traveler so bright and kind, the day no longer seemed so painful. He even looked forward to greeting her every morning for he would hear her cheerfully calling out his name. Xiao was glad that they met her and approved of her. That they approved of his choice to selfishly stay by her side. That his choice to bound himself to her was something good.
"Do you miss them?" He felt her gentle touch weave through his hair.
"I do. But...I'm not lonely."
"Because of me?" She teased as her worrying gaze softened.
"If not you, who?" He said before bringing her hand to his lips and kissing her fingers softly. "This place...is it your domain?"
"My domain?" She looked around with the same soft smile. "Not really--But if it's not yours, or mine and we are both safe here, does not mean that it's our's?"
He felt the corners of his lips lift as he lightly chuckled. She was dancing around her words, teasing him with non-answers, and yet he didn't feel annoyed. It was playful, it was fun, it was idle chatter that he never once had a chance to enjoy before.
"Our domain. I like that." The smile on his lips did not vanish rather it grew. He stared at how their hands looked together, palm to palm before he slowly closed his hand and interlocked their hands together. "Lumine..." There were so much he wanted to say, all the words he was half afraid to speak out loud. Things unsaid, simply because he was wary and worried about the consequences. "I..."
A soft hand was placed on top of his mouth.
"If you are going to confess your heart...please wait." Her voice cracked quietly and his gaze quickly shifted to see her eyes glistening with tears that were ready to be spilled. "I do not wish to hear the words that I've longed for here."
"Why...?" He did not like this pained expression that she had. He did not like the way she avoided his gaze, so he quickly sat up and cupped her face. Holding it so that she would look at him. "Lumine...?"
"Because then you won't want to leave and I desperately need you back, Xiao." Her lower lip quivered. "I need you to come back to me."
The confusion grew until finally he realized where he was. This world was neither dream nor a nightmare. It was not part of the world of the living or the dead. This place was where she met those that had long since left this world. "I am in between...aren't I?"
She nodded and lowered her head. "I...came back from Inazuma to be told that...you've been asleep...for over a week. They were saying you might never…That it looked similar to the last stages an Adepti goes through before…” She inhaled sharply before something between a laugh and sob pitifully left her lips. She clasped her hand over her lips and shook her head. "You deserve to rest. You deserve to be at peace...And I know that I'm being selfish... but I don't want you to go."
"Lumine..." He took hold of her hand and pulled away from her mouth. “I wouldn’t—“
"You are precious to me, Xiao." She sniffed. “This world is a strange place, full of unsolved mysteries but you are the answer to...You are the closest thing to home that I have since I've woken up here. And to lose you..."
"Who said you lost me?" He whispered before lifting her head so he could press his forehead against hers. He smiled softly as he inhaled slowly. "Did I not tell you that all you must do is call my name, and I will come to you?"
"But you're so tired...To ask you to..."
"Ask." He said as his nose brushed against hers. Their hearts slowly syncing, beat by beat. How strange it was to feel his heart beating outside of his chest and not feel anxious? How strange it was that as he held her in his hands, he never felt more safe and secure in knowing that this was what he always wanted. To go back to home, to go back to her for that was his rightful place. ”Ask for whatever you wish and if I must pay the price, I will." She felt his breath against her skin and she closed her eyes slowly.
"Xiao..." Her voice trembled slightly. ”Xiao..." She whispered his name like a prayer. Careful as if it was a fragile and precious thing. Had anyone ever said his name as beautifully as she did?
His name was given to him by a god but only when she said his name did he feel like it was sanctified. Every weight on his body lifting, every pain he had to endure washing away, every wound slowly closing and healing. He watched as she leaned in and closed the distance between them. Her soft lips pressing against his, he smiled softly before returning the kiss.
"Come back to me"
Xiao opened his eyes slowly and saw the ceiling of the inn. He saw the silhouette of the painted cranes that flew towards the mountain tops. Judging by how dark it was, it was the morning but the sun had not risen yet. He moved his head before landing on the figure beside his bed.
There she was, sitting by his head bedside, her blonde hair messily covering her face as she rested her head on his bed. His eyes then drifted to her hand which tightly held his.
His gaze softened. Were you that worried I wouldn’t come back to you? He never had anyone wait for him to wake up. He never had anyone that was willing to come into his hell with an outstretched hand and drag him out of there. He never had anyone that was there to fight off the nightmares as he did for them.
But then again, he never had anyone like Lumine before.
He could feel her breath against his hand and he smiled. Yes, there was no one else like her. No other name he would have called out but hers. He rubbed the place between her thumb and index finger with the pad of his thumb. Her brows knitted as she slowly began waking up. And with sleep still in her eyes, their eyes met.
“You should sleep more.” He said in a breathy whisper before he saw her quickly sit up to lean for a closer look. As if she was making sure he was truly awake and breathing in front of her.
“Xiao?” Lumine whispered and he gave her hand a squeeze. “You’re awake.”
“You called my name.”
She gasped sharply before tears began falling down her cheeks. It was then that he noticed the red rimmed eyes and dark circles. Had she been crying this entire time? I’ll have to apologize for that.
“You told me that the Adepti don’t need sleep. “She whined softly wiping her tears with the back of her hand. “You liar.” She cried softly, sniffling as she kept trying to wipe the tears that seemed to never end.
He let out a breathy chuckle before he pulled her down and made her fall into his arms. He lightly brushed away the hair from her face and smiled down at her. “I’m sorry…were you waiting a long time?”
She nodded before burying her face against his chest. Pressing an ear to where his heart would be and listening carefully to every beat. “But I knew you’d come…You always do when I call out your name.”
“As you did when I called out your name.”
Lumine froze for a moment before slowly lifting her head. “I did?”
He nodded before kissing the top of her head. “I suppose…that our bond is truly special.”
A weak smile before she kissed the bottom of his chin. “I’m so glad….I’m really really glad that you came to me…”
“Of course I did…”He paused as he recalled how she stopped him in his dreams and the words itched at the back of his throat. He gently pressed his forehead against hers and stared into the golden eyes that he shined brighter than any star. He looked down at the woman who saved him more times than she knew. He smiled softly at the person to who he would always return to.
“I love you.”
A beat of silence and he could feel his heart beating faster against his chest but this time, it wasn’t painful. Rather it felt like it was catching up to the speed of her heart, syncing until it was one. “Can you say that again?”
He smiled before lightly bringing their interlocked hands up to his lips and kissing her fingertips gently “I love you.”
“Again?”
Xiao chuckled before pulling her closer and holding their hands tightly against his chest. As if to tell her that this and everything else belonged to her. An unspoken truth that every breath he took, every beat of his heart, everything would be hers now. “I will say it as many time as you’d like.” He nuzzled the tip of her nose with his. “I love you, Lumine.”
“I love you too, Xiao…” Lumine whispered before she closed the distance once more and kissed his lips.
And as he saw the sun peak over the horizon over her shoulder, he knew that this waking world of the living was better than any other place. A place he could come home. A place where he was safe. A place where he could finally feel at peace—it was in her arms, in her gaze, and by her side.