Work Text:
Dazai was passed out on Kunikida’s couch, stupid drunk after coming to his home from one of his binges. He was wrapped up in a blanket with a water bottle and herbal tea in a travel mug beside him on a coffee table of similar colour to his hair.
It was the middle of the night, Kunikida did not know what to do and was very, very tired.
Dazai had banged on the door of Kunikida’s ADA-provided apartment and asked if he could stay with him for a while. Kunikida, who could clearly tell Dazai was drunk, was just about to scold him for disturbing him and drinking so late at night until he realized just how tired Dazai looked. Like he just wanted to be with someone.
It had hurt Kunikida to see him like this. He adored and really did admire Dazai, even if the playful banter annoyed Kunikida at times, he still respected Dazai’s cunning intelligence. After looking at Dazai’s eyes, which were an endless hall of darkness, Kunikida was more than a little concerned and very willing to let him in.
And thus, here he was. Reheating curry at 3 AM and pacing back and forth in his kitchen.
The day was only 3/24 hours in and he already lost his ideal 7-hour goal of sleep, but that’s fine, Kunikida was willing to sway a little off his course if needed, even if it made him uncomfortable. What he was really stressed about, though, was how to help Dazai.
Dazai would never directly talk to him about his problems. Kunikida used to try gently asking him if he was okay after suicide attempts in the middle of their partnership when they were getting to know each other, but Dazai always found a way to divert the topic or make a joke out of it to avoid talking about his feelings. Kunikida eventually gave up and decided if Dazai didn’t want to talk about it, he didn’t have to and Kunikida had to respect that.
Kunikida knew Dazai was suffering now, though, and the brunet who was so reluctant to open up emotionally had come to him for guidance. Kunikida wanted to be perfect for Dazai, but was so unsure how.
Kunikida was worried that a blunt offer to help would make Dazai distant and resist Kunikida’s help, but being implicit about it might give Dazai the impression that Kunikida didn’t really care. Usually, Kunikida would scold Dazai firmly, but Kunikida wanted to be gentle with Dazai right now, but he didn’t know how. He didn’t even know if that’s what Dazai wanted, and all of this worrying was for him .
Maybe Kunikida was reading too deep into this and Dazai just wanted to crash at his room and get free food and Kunikida just wanted to think Dazai saw him as a friend, the way Kunikida saw Dazai. Maybe it was an unconscious selfish desire for Dazai to like him that was covered up by him pretending he wanted to see Dazai be a healthier person.
The way Kunikida was desperately hoping that Dazai really was doing this out of emotional growth and that he really was just slowly opening up to him made Kunikida think that it really was just him being selfish and interpreting the situation in the way he wanted, trying to make himself look like the ideal, reliable coworker and someone his beloved partner can lean on.
Kunikida always had trouble with figuring out his emotions, which was ironic because they were his motivation for everything. He knew when he felt passionate about things, like his ideals and the morals he lived for, but expressing them and sorting them out was troubling. Sometimes, he would be terribly worried Dazai’s crazy suicide plan or Atsushi’s self-sacrificial behaviour but he had a lot more trouble expressing it in a way that wasn’t angry or blunt.
Kunikida was walking back and forth and getting nowhere, in his head and in his very small kitchen. He was only pulled out of his head by the loud DING DING DING of the oven telling him that the curry was ready.
Kunikida had felt his heart leap into his throat due to the loud noise, which woke him up from his anxious spirals and banished all tiredness he had in his body. His anxiety swiftly returned, though, pooling in his stomach the moment he heard shuffling coming from the living room.
“Kunikida?” The groggy voice was swiftly followed by a long yawn. Kunikida had caught onto Dazai not using honorifics. Was it intentional or was the drunk just tired?
“Sorry for waking you, Dazai. Are you okay?” Kunikida had left the kitchen after turning the oven off. Dazai was softly smiling at him, still laying down on the couch. His cheek was pressed against the mattress and some of his curls were blocking his eyes. Kunikida wanted to savour the authenticity of his smile. It was beautiful and Kunikida much preferred it to Dazai’s normally eccentric masquerade.
“Awwwe, did I worry my poor dear Kunikida-kun?” Dazai’s previously genuine-looking smile turned back into a signature, annoying grin.
“Of course you did! You showed up to my apartment while drunk in the middle of the night asking to stay over! It’s not something someone in a pleasant mood would be doing,” Kunikida said defensively, crossing his arms. They went back to their classic tsukkomi-boke duo. Reverting back to their standard roles of straight man and wise guy, pushing the genuine care they have for each other down, down, down.
Kunikida didn’t want that, though.
“If you were sad, you can always talk to me, you know? You’re my partner and my coworker, it’s the least I could do for you,” Kunikida quickly clenched out before Dazai had a chance to let a word out. Kunikida decided to make his motivations known. He needed to, how could he expect Dazai to respect him if he couldn’t be honest about his feelings?
The surprise was visible on Dazai’s face. It wasn’t a gaping mouth or a jaw hanging down, but a neutral, blank expression. As though he was in an intermission, deciding how he should contort his face and how he should feel. Like picking out a dialogue option in a video game, or an outfit for the day. The change scared Kunikida a little, who was used to seeing Dazai composed and perpetually smiling. He was worried that he crossed a boundary and that Dazai would run away. That he reset all the progress Dazai and him made in their relationship.
“I’m sorry for worrying you,” Dazai finally said, ending Kunikida’s worry- which felt like an eternity. Dazai’s expression was still flat, but the words were sincere and were spoken in such a genuinely apologetic way it concerned the idealist. A pair of bandaged arms grabbed the travel mug with the herbal tea previously made. A smile formed on the blank face. “Prepared this just for me, hmm?”
Kunikida nodded quickly, which he instantly regretted. He felt stupid, was he answering too quickly? Should he have actually spoken words? Kunikida didn’t trust himself to speak properly, though. Embarrassingly, he was quite relieved and a little (a lot) emotional that Dazai didn’t get upset or offended at Kunikida’s offer for help, even if he was avoiding what Kunikida originally said.
Dazai’s smile grew wider, but it wasn’t like his usual eccentric smirk that formed after teasing Kunikida. “Thank you, Kunikida-kun.” ( Kunikida was a little upset the honorifics returned)
“I’m not really hungry right now. My head kind of hurts a lot.” The man quickly sat up and shifted the blanket to make some room beside him on the couch. He gave it a couple of pats. “How about you have the curry and sit with me?”
Kunikida felt heat rush to his face. He didn’t really know why, it wasn’t embarrassing. His coworker simply just wanted to sit with him. If anything, it was weird such a simple thing could elicit a flustered reaction from him. He should’ve been more focused on the fact Dazai still has a headache and asked him if he needed some medicine. Instead, all he could sputter out was:
“How’d you know I made you curry?”
A faint laugh escaped the brunet’s lips and he hummed softly. “Your kitchen and living room are right beside each other, I can smell the curry from here.”
“Oh yeah, I guess… I forgot?” Kunikida had delivered in such a lame fashion that Dazai had to stifle a cackle from escaping his mouth.
“Anyway!” Kunikida had quickly turned back to head to the kitchen, the long eye contact with Dazai was starting to stress him out. “Maybe next time you’re upset- If it’s all okay with you, of course- you can come here before you start drinking. And you can stay here tonight if you need to. It’s too late to go, anyway.”
Kunikida poured the beef and vegetable curry into a plate and added rice from the rice cooker. After grabbing a spoon, he went back to sit beside Dazai, who promptly leaned his head on Kunikida’s shoulder.
“Is this okay?”
“It’s fine, but are you purposefully avoiding replying to what I said?” Kunikida glanced out of the corner of his eye, seeing the soft brown hair resting on his shoulder. It shook a little as the bandaged man laughed.
“A little, sorry. Thank you, Kunikida-kun. I think I just might take you up on that offer, if it’s fine.”
“Of course it’s fine! I told you to stay, didn’t I? Please don’t worry, I enjoy your company a lot, Dazai.”
“I…” Dazai’s voice trailed off as he stiffened and his head shifted a bit in its place on the idealist’s shoulder. Kunikida was resisting his urge of turning his head to see the brunet’s expression. All his self-control was put into trying to eat his curry as casually as possible, but he had a feeling Dazai would be able to read Kunikida’s body language and see through him covering up his anxiousness.
“I enjoy yours too…” Dazai finally finished. After a long yawn, he sat up to put down the travel mug. He wrapped the blanket around Kunikida as well before he, once again, laid his head comfortably on Kunikida's shoulders. His head was killing him and he was so tired, but Kunikida probably was as well. He was desperately trying to hold his heavy eyelids up so he could be awake to see Kunikida finish eating and talk more with him.
Sleep caught Dazai before that though, and he had to be gently carried to Kunikida’s room, where Kunikida placed him down on his mattress and tucked him in, leaving Kunikida alone in the living room, munching on his 3AM (probably 4 by now, he didn’t check the time) curry to think over his conversation with Dazai, which he would probably be the only thing consuming his mind for a week straight.
Kunikida wouldn’t mind that though. The smile he saw from Dazai today was comforting. It was something he never wanted to leave him, a reminder that Dazai really did trust him enough to let down his fake persona, even for a split second. Kunikida will treasure it in his memories, hoping he’d be able to see the real thing at least once more, if that wasn’t more than he deserved.