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Kei breathed in and out. Four seconds in, hold for seven, and out for seven. It seemed so silly, but Keiji always instructed him to do that when he was stressed out or depressed. “Focus on your breath and the way it’s steady. Never changing,” he would say. When the world felt like it was shaking him like a boat tossed at sea, that’s what he had to do.
Everything felt like it was crashing down on him. Friends wanted to go out, school demanded more work and studying, work needed him to fill shifts that weren’t his in the first place, volleyball constantly having practices and matches, and his boyfriends were trying to plan a day where they could go have a date. Like a rope that pulled every which way, he felt the tug of life. Too much responsibility. He didn’t like prioritizing work and school over everything else, but that’s what had to be done. Nothing could change that. Not even Tetsurou’s pout that Kei swears has no effect on him.
Today was a free day for him and still he had a paper due in two days. A paper he still has no fucking clue what he’s going to write it on. The assignment was to analyze a piece of literature they had gone over in class. While it was broad enough, his mind was blank every time he opened the word document. Keiji probably could have helped him, but Kei didn’t want to bother his boyfriend who already had enough with his editor job. It was up to him to find something to write about and sometime soon. The clock was ticking. Endlessly ticking. He didn’t want to find out what would happen if it stopped before he was done.
The apartment the four of them shared was too quiet. Koutarou had complained that he had used all of his protein powder, which spurred the weekly grocery trip. Keiji and Tetsurou tagged along. God knows what his pro-volleyball player of a boyfriend would return home with if Keiji or Kei wasn’t with him—Tetsurou could be trusted on his own but never alone with Kou. They left Kei behind, so he could work on his paper.
Don’t get him wrong, he enjoyed the calm, but it wasn’t the right kind of calm. It was the kind that makes you feel like the world is out to get you. The kind that makes you check around each corner before moving into the next room. It was suffocating. Opening up his computer, Kei clicked on the Spotify app and shuffled one of his playlists. It was better, but he still felt like something bad was going to happen.
A dull pain pressed behind his eyes, but he refused to get up and get medicine. It wasn’t bad enough yet. Nothing he couldn’t handle.
Kei flipped through his notes for the next fifteen minutes, trying to find one string he could pull and elaborate on. He didn’t necessarily like the story that he chose, but it would be the easiest to write about. Nothing too crazy, but whatever claim he made would have enough substance to back it up.
After jotting down some ideas on an outline, he finally dared to look at his phone. The lock screen read “12:31.” It was about two hours since the three of them left. While their runs usually took about an hour, two was a little excessive.
Kei knew he shouldn’t. He shouldn’t obsess over why his boyfriends weren’t home. He shouldn’t think about the fact that they’re out there having fun without him. He shouldn’t feel tempted to stalk them through the location sharing app they all have. He chose to stay home. He could have said “Screw it,” and went with them, but he didn’t.
But now, he was here feeling shitty because he didn’t know why they weren’t back home.
When he couldn’t take anymore, Kei unlocked his phone and opened the app. Sure enough, they weren’t at the grocery store. All three of their profile pins were at their local movie theater, probably having a cute little date that he had only stopped them from having these past few weeks.
His heart panged with guilt and jealousy. Kei would give anything to be there with them.
Knowing he needed to get his mind off of it before he spiraled, he opened Instagram. Some mindless scrolling to recenter his mind and head space. Or so he thought because all his boyfriends’ faces stared back at him.
The first post in his feed was from Tetsurou. He had posted a selfie of the three of them in front of a movie poster.
Despite Tetsurou being an employee of JVA, Koutarou being a player on a Division 1 Team, and Kei being on a Division 2 Team, they were pretty open about posting each other on their social media. Not that Kei posted much. But Koutarou’s page was full of random photos of them. Tetsurou’s was a little more organized but not by much. Keiji definitely had the most aesthetically pleasing one of them all.
Kei had social media, but posting really wasn’t his groove. He really only posted on their birthdays and important things with the team. He didn’t really like the idea of random people knowing everything about him.
The selfie taken and posted was definitely the work of Koutarou. It was awfully chaotic and screamed his energy. But it did get a clear view of the movie they were seeing. Of course, it was one that Kei was dying to see. They should have known that he wanted to see it. He definitely mentioned it before. Why would they go see it without him then?
And that was the tip of the iceberg. Everything went downhill from there. He didn’t really remember leaving his laptop open, music still playing, and going to their shared bedroom. All he felt like doing was curling into their sheets and crying. Too many emotions ran rampant in his brain, all pressing with the headache, trying to get out. A heavy weight was placed on him.
Kei tried to force the tears out, but nothing came. They refused to leave his walls and to find rest on the pillow that he was pretty sure was Keiji’s.
He just wanted to be with his boyfriends, but the pain of exclusion was too much. He was only holding them back. They looked so happy in that photo. When was the last time he really saw Keiji smile like that? When was the last time he felt up to messing with Kou and Tetsu? When was the last time he let himself just have one day with them?
They were trying, and he wasn’t letting them. Perhaps they were better without him. They obviously didn’t need him to be happy. They didn’t think to remember that he wanted to see that movie and prioritized their own happiness over his. Not that they could blame them. His attitude and effort was shitty and lacking.
This was all so stupid. Kei shouldn’t be thinking like this. He knew how much they loved him, even if he didn’t show it back sometimes. Then, why? Why is it that at the first inconvenience that he feels like shit? It wasn’t fair.
He stared at the wall and let himself drift. He didn’t want to do anything. There was nothing that could motivate him.
Time was nonexistent in his mind. Nothing was. He didn’t want to think about it. Kei didn’t want to think about the fact that everyone he loved and cared for would eventually grow tired of him and his ways of overworking himself just so he could feel of worth.
He didn’t know how much time had passed when he heard voices coming from the other room. Normally, he would have shouted a greeting or gone to talk a bit before returning to work. But not today.
No, today was not one for mingling with his boyfriends if they were happier without him.
It wasn’t long before he saw light streaming into the room from the opening door. By the sound of it, it was Tetsurou. Kei didn’t dare to look and check, though. “Let me change real quick before we start,” he called back to the other two. Tetsu must have noticed his sorry state as he heard a soft gasp. Footsteps echoed quietly. The bed dipped beside him, and Kei felt a warm hand on his back. “Hey Kei, what’s up?”
For once in what felt like eternity, Kei felt like he could close his eyes. And so he did, melting into the older man’s touch. “It’s nothing, Tetsu,” he murmured. Out of all things that could happen, he didn’t want this whole thing being about them to be known to them. “Just feeling shitty.”
“Would some cookies make it better? Keiji thought we could bake some for you since you’ve been working so hard lately.”
Of course, Keiji thought of just the right thing. He was too perfect for him, for anyone really. It seemed quite impossible that he would take the time and effort to be in a relationship as shitty as Kei.
“I haven’t even started my paper,” Kei replied. “I don’t want to be rewarded if I haven’t done shit.”
“Come on, it will boost your mood,” Tetsurou said, his hand now left Kei’s back and found its home in his hair.
“That won’t boost my fucking mood.” He winced at how harsh it sounded. Why didn’t he just say no like a normal person?
That was Kei, though. The fucked up boy forced to grow older with unresolved issues and traumas that drag everyone that he gets close to.
Tetsurou paused. “Did I do something to upset you?” he hesitated. His hand felt like it wanted to shy away from Kei in fear. “Seriously, Kei, what’s wrong?”
“It’s just a bad fucking day. It’s me, not you,” he snapped.
“Still, I must have…”
“You didn’t do shit. Not everything has to be about you, Kuroo Tetsurou. Some of us overreact and have our emotions flip out on us for no reason.” He moved away from the older man’s touch. It didn’t feel comforting anymore. No, rather Kei knew he didn’t deserve the comfort anymore. “Don’t try to drag yourself into something that is completely my fucking problem.”
Tetsurou’s frown deepened as he sat back away from Kei. “You are my fucking problem, Kei, and anything that makes you upset I want to help fix.” He said it so quietly that Kei could have imagined it. But he knew the older man had said it.
“Some of us are unfixable.”
“Unfixable doesn’t mean we can’t help lessen it.”
“I’d rather deal with it myself.”
That was a lie, but Kei would never let that show on his face and in his words. They had seen some of his moods, but never his truly depressive, depreciating side. Surely, they would really know how much of a dick he becomes when that mood takes over. Surely, they wouldn’t want him then.
A wave of emotions flooded Tetsurou’s face. Kei knew his boyfriend, well all of them, like the back of his hand. Everything in his boyfriend’s body must be telling him to help, but the anger and the confusion was telling him to march out of that room.
And he would give into those emotions.
~*~*~*~
Not much time passed since Tetsurou left the bedroom before he heard concerning voices echoing from the living room. The bedhead JVA worker had to be going off about him. About how angry he was. About how Kei wasn’t being the spectacular boyfriend they all wished him to be. About how he didn’t know Kei anymore.
All this over a fucking movie. Hell, Kei didn’t even know if he was still pissed off about that. All he wanted was his boyfriends to take into consideration that he wasn’t there and that they should ask him if he wanted to go see it, even if that meant a second time for them. It didn’t even have to be all of them. He would be perfectly fine with Keiji’s habit of pointing out the little details, with Tetsu’s hand grabbing a shit ton of popcorn every time he got some, or Kou’s lame attempts at flirting like he was in an American teen romance.
All he wanted was for someone to realize what he wanted.
Sadly, that wasn’t the case.
There was a soft knock before the door opened to reveal Keiji’s displeased face. Shit, Keiji’s scoldings were always the worst. That face told Kei that he was about to get the scolding of a lifetime.
“Kei, would you please tell me what’s got you so worked up that now you’ve ruined Tetsurou’s mood?” Keiji asked calmly.
Kei clamped his mouth shut. He turned away from the door and muzzled himself with the pillow. Whatever he said would only make Keiji angrier. He knew it. He knew it. He just knew it. He was just a failure in all things and everything he did made it worse.
“Kei,” Keiji said, again. “Talk to me. What’s got you worked up? Right now, Tetsurou is going crazy with worry and hatred at himself and hatred at you for being like this. I’m sure this can all be fixed if you just talk to me.”
He wanted to laugh. There it was again. Fixed. Why were they so obsessed with it? It was like he was just a machine, an AI that had a chip and one line of code mistyped that led to system failures further down the line. Was that all he was to them?
“Sorry, I’m such a messed up machine,” he spoke into the pillow. Keiji remained quiet, unmoving. Kei didn’t know whether or not he heard him or was able to make out the words. Either way, it was like Keiji was trying to figure him out. He could feel the analytic eyes piercing the back of his head.
“You know, I had to deal with Kou’s mood swings throughout all of high school. They’ve toned down after he found a medicine that works for him, but that doesn’t mean he still doesn’t deal with them. I’m sure he would understand what you’re dealing with. If you just let us in, we can help.”
Kei knew this. Kei knew this damn well. That’s why he felt like he had to sit up, wetness building in the corners of his eyes, and yell, “Stop treating me like I’m something you can just help and fix. I’m fucking unfixable. I told that damn clear to Tetsurou, but it seems he didn’t believe me. Trust me, talking it out doesn’t do shit. I tried it once and all I got was concerned looks and a trip to a psychologist the next day that just looked at me like I was a puzzle, a game that she needed to beat. Don’t you understand that none of this works that way? I’m not some toy that you can play with and discard after you’ve figured out all of my tricks. I have fucking feelings, too. I just wish the three of you would take them into consideration more often.”
His head banged at the walls of his skull, and the pressure behind his eyes only pushed more tears out. God, he was going to be sick. His body protested against all of that exertion. He hated crying, and he hated the look of shock on Keiji’s face.
Just another thing to add to the “Kei’s Failures” jar.
“Are you,” Keiji started. He paused and took a deep breath. “Are you saying that we caused this?”
Kei let out a dry laugh. “You didn’t cause my depression, Keiji. You only had a hand in starting this mood.” He brought a hand over his eyes. All he wanted to was sleep. His body didn’t want to work to sit up any longer. He sighed. “Just leave, Keiji. I want to sleep.”
Keiji didn’t speak another word as he slipped out and closed the door as Kei curled in on himself in an attempt to sleep.
~*~*~*~
The world was warm. Like a blanket pressing against him every which way, he felt encompassed with safety and comfort. All seemed right with the world. He reached out and instinctively grabbed the hand in front of him. There were soft voices above him, but his mind was too foggy to make out the words.
Wait, a hand. Words.
He forced his eyes open slightly. There in front of him was one of his boyfriends. Kei’s legs had wrapped around his boyfriend’s as the older man had sat on the edge. The rest of the warmth must be the other two behind him.
It wasn’t unusual for his boyfriends to join him in bed after he had gone to bed first—it usually after he had escaped the drunken escapades of the oldest two— but never would they just sit there. This was strange.
That’s when it hit him. All the hatred he had felt before he went to sleep. All the guilt and the hurt.
He felt a hand guide his face to look up at Kou, who was the one he was holding on to. Koutarou smiled sadly and rubbed a circle next to Kei’s eye.
“Feeling better, baby?” he asked softly. Kei closed his eyes again, melting into the warmth of Kou’s hand. He nodded. “That’s good. You gave us all a scare.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. He could feel the tears from last night coming back. “I shouldn’t have acted like that. I’m so sorry…”
He could imagine the three of them shared a look. Apologizing was not up Kei’s alley, at least not genuinely. “It’s ok. All that matters is that you’re feeling like yourself, again.”
“But that was myself…”
“Everyone has bad days, love,” Keiji said from behind him. He must be the one that moved to run fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry we overreacted. But if you've calmed down, we need to talk so that we know what to do better next time. You kind of insinuated that we brought this on, so we want to change to prevent this.”
“I…” He didn’t know what to say. After all, what do you say when you were the one that overreacted? When you were the one that acted like a child? When you were the one that hung up about every little thing? “It’s stupid…”
“Nothing is too stupid for it to have you acting like that,” Tetsurou added. “Like Keiji said, we want to help.”
Kei sighed and moved to push himself up against the pillows. “I was working on my paper and not feeling inspired at all. I didn’t want to ask Keiji for help because I knew you had a deadline and this isn’t exactly you two’s area of expertise. I felt guilty about being so busy that we couldn’t go on dates, but then, you didn’t come back when I expected you to. And I saw that you went to go see the one movie I wanted to see. It just kind of shut me down. Jealousy just took over, which is stupid because I’m the one that put myself into that position. I just couldn’t help being mad. It’s ridiculous. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m the one at fault.”
“Oh Kei…”
“No, it’s fine. I don’t need comfort for something so stupid.”
But Tetsu pulled him into a hug. “You should never have to feel like your feelings are invalid. They come from a place of insecurity that needs healing.”
“I just don’t feel like I deserve that.”
“You deserve the world, Moonshine.”
“Yeah. I know how I’m not the best with words like Keiji and Tetsu,” Kou said, “but I’m always here if you want to cuddle and not talk about anything.”
“And I’m here to vent to if you need that,” Keiji added.
How stupid was Kei to realize that his boyfriends would do anything for him? They were like a bouquet. They were full of different flowers and varieties of smells and colors. Individually, they were beautiful—though, Kei imagined he was the little sprigs of white puffs that weren’t grand at all—but together they were so much more. He wasn’t a step behind them, trailing them in this relationship. They were the ones that slowed down so that he didn’t have to be alone. They went out of their way to be with them.
And for that, he loved them to the ends of the earth.