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Do you ever think about what would happen if you down the whole orange bottle of antidepressants that rattles with every little pill that was promised to make you better? Kei did. Every fucking time he opened his medication to take the pink pills of amitriptyline. They were the newest attempt at “fixing” his clinical depression. They were supposed to restore balance to his brain functions and relax the brain’s nerves. At least, that’s what the doctor said.
In reality, Kei didn’t know if it was a lie or a fact. All he did know was that two hours after taking the pills, his boyfriends would either find him asleep in their bed or asleep wherever he was trying to stick it out. Finally being able to sleep soundly without his brain to keep him up was nice, but Kei doubted the other functions of the medicine.
He didn’t feel any better. Sure, some days were better than others. But he still went week to week without knowing what his mood was going to be like. Some weeks he was overly depressed, and others, he felt like he could take on the world given a cup of coffee.
That was depression, though. Kei took it with a grain of salt, and his boyfriends watched it like it was the Olympic torch. They always were making sure he felt fine, gave him space when he needed it, and showered him in affection when he called for that. The first few extreme episodes were rough, but they figured it out.
If there was one thing Kei learned it was that his boyfriends, when putting their whole effort into it, did not fail.
They always found some way with everything. Dates, cleaning schedules, overcoming difficulties and differences. Kei assumed it was to balance him out. He who would give up when there was no clear way in sight because the world couldn’t let you down if you never gave it anything to let you down with.
They would follow him to the ends of the earth even if he was running from them.
Kei sighed and downed his medication. It was one of those rough nights, the kind that all he wanted to do was stare at the ceiling. The kind that he didn’t care whether or not he was held, but knew that being held always made it better.
But no one else was home. At least for now. It was only 9:30. Kou would be back soon. He never liked to stay out past ten when it was just two of them at home.
Tetsurou was traveling for his job. The JVA needed him to visit teams across the country to check out their marketing and their numbers and help devise ways to raise numbers financially. Kei knew how much Tetsu loved his job, but this annual trip was always dreaded.
To make matters worse, Keiji’s mom had wanted him back home for a couple days as his dad recovered from a surgery. Nothing major, a torn meniscus in his right knee, but with his mom managing her little coffee shop, she can’t be home to help him recover. So Keiji gets the job of caretaker and the short end of the stick. It just so happened that he didn’t have any upcoming deadlines that would keep chained to home.
So it was just Kou and Kei for a couple days. The blond didn’t mind it at all. But, although he would admit it begrudgingly, he missed his other two boys.
Being home alone with Koutarou was fun, though. It meant waking up and finding that the older male had decided that normal breakfast food was lame so he made ice cream sundaes for the two of them. It meant cuddling on the couch late into the night as Kou played his new video game and Kei would watch as the shifting colors and sounds of Kou’s voice and controller lulled him to sleep.
Kou also gave the best one-on-one cuddles. Keiji’s were gentle and full of careful attention. Tetsu’s were always borderline scandalous and knowing the two of them usually didn’t lead to something more. Kou’s, though, were a big bear hug of warmth and safety. Like you were his lifeline and every little part of you had to be cocooned by him.
Therefore, they were the best when he was feeling like this.
Alas, Kou was out on the town with his teammates. It was nearing the beginning of the season, and in Black Jackal fashion, they were doing some team bonding. Kei could only imagine that ending with Hinata and Kou singing some bad karaoke duet, a highly intoxicated Atsumu dragging a rather annoyed Sakusa to go make out in a “hidden” corner, and the rest of the team placing bets on them. While the Black Jackals seemed to party it up way more than Kageyama’s team, the Alders, Kou knew better than to drink too much without someone to help him get home—the man lost all sense of direction after three drinks. Heavy drinking was saved for home or when the four of them miraculously had a time when they were all free and wanted to go out for drinks.
It would be fine, though. Kou would be home soon, and Kei would get his cuddles. Everything would be right with the world.
In the time between Kei painfully waiting and staring at a bottle of medicine and Kou coming home to rescue him, he had to distract himself. Not only that but get ready for bed because sleep would come soon, and he would be cursing himself in the morning if he didn’t force himself to clean himself. Clean himself of everything weighing him down from the day and other all the thoughts running through his head. He almost wanted to laugh to himself. If only it was that easy.
After grabbing the first pair of boxers in his drawer and a pair of sweatpants that he was sure were not his, he stripped out of his clothes and turned on the shower. Kei refused to look in the mirror. That would only reveal blemishes that he didn’t want to think too hard about now. It would reveal the too thin yet not thin enough waist. The lean muscle that still wasn’t defined enough but stayed that way because he didn’t have the energy to work on it. The scars that covered his thighs and side. The feeling that there weren’t enough scars.
It was a problem he knew. It was bad enough that he had done it in the past. But even now, when he forced himself to stop the harsh feeling of metal, he still wanted to scratch his skin raw. He wanted to see his skin covered in what he deserved.
Kei wanted a Van Gogh of a kaleidoscope of red lines and blotches, scars that showed the world his true colors and that he did indeed bleed red. The same red that flowed out of a person on a stretcher and faded from a person six feet in the ground.
He shook his head and stepped into the scalding water. The heat hurt, but it was freeing. It scrubbed away the dirt and grime that clung to him 24/7.
After rinsing, he reached for the bottle of shampoo they all shared, the one Keiji had picked out their first year living together. Kei let a small smile take over his lips. But it didn’t last long. The bottle was empty. He could only salvage a small dollop.
What a great fucking surprise.
Gritting his teeth, he tried to make the most of the scraps. Suddenly, the hot water wasn’t a comfort, and all he wanted to do was get out.
Kei turned off the water and lightly dried himself. Quickly, he got dressed and left the steamy room.
He thought about heading to the bedroom, but he didn’t want Kou to come in and leave him alone, thinking he needed alone time. More importantly, he didn’t want to be reminded that the bed would be populated by two less people that night.
The living room was just as quiet as the rest of the house. He hadn’t left the TV on or any music playing. The connected kitchen was the same. Lifeless.
Upon the counter laid a bottle of vodka, half drunk. Recently, Keiji had gotten into making them martinis and mules. Tetsu had wanted to drink the vodka straight, but they learned fast how bad an idea that was. Not only did it taste godawful, they could not be trusted with how fast they got drunk.
How funny how a bad idea can turn into a good one when in a different mindset.
Kei had this thing, a running idea of sorts, when he was depressed. His body didn’t give him good moods, so he wasn’t going to treat it right. His boyfriends kept him from developing anything too serious now that they knew. That didn’t mean that he didn’t force himself to make smart choices when he felt like this.
Being alone gave him free reign over his decisions. He could not eat anything, take his pills on an empty stomach, and drink hard liquor directly afterwards. Now that was a good idea. His boyfriends would disagree, but he didn’t mind. All he could think about was destroying what had hurt him so.
A glass would be too classy, but he didn’t want to dirty the bottle by taking a swig. Instead, he left some waterfall into his mouth. The alcohol burned on his tongue and as it went down. It was painful, but that’s what he wanted. One drink led to two and soon there was only a quarter in the bottle.
Kei knew you were supposed to pace yourself with vodka. Too much too fast was a sure way to get shitface drunk. Sure enough, he could feel the floor become unsteady beneath his feet and the pain behind his eyes grow immensely.
Was it a bad time to mention that he was in fact a light weight and, despite having a taste for hard liquor, was usually the first one intoxicated?
He was about to take another drink when he heard the keys in the lock and the door opening.
Koutarou looked thoroughly tipsy. A light pink brushed his cheeks, and a sense of ease seemed to have taken over him. His black and white hair was tousled, and a smile adorned his mouth.
He looked too happy for the situation he was about to notice.
Kei put down the bottle. Taking a deep breath, he tried to return a smile, only to fall short and wince at his pain. Kou raised an eyebrow in confusion. “Kei,” he spoke, “have you been drinking?”
Kei sighed. There really was no point in the first place of trying to hide it. “Yeah,” he said plainly. “Yeah, I’ve been drinking.”
While Kei was not the one to avoid drinking, it was rare to find him intoxicated on his own. A can of beer here and a glass of wine there but never the heavy stuff unless he was with other people. Perhaps that’s why Kou quickly changed out of his outside shoes, dropped his stuff, and came over to Kei. After being together for as long as they’ve had, Kei has watched all of his boyfriends become more aware of each other’s emotions and become in sync for the most part with each other. So Kou grabbed his hands and looked him in the eye. “Why have you been drinking?”
Kei didn’t know whether to blame it on the alcohol or his mood or the fact that he was missing all of them, but tears came out of his eyes.
Kou wrapped himself around Kei and rubbed a hand on his back and in his hair. Kei let himself give up in his arms. His eyes closed, and his head tucked in the crook of the older man’s neck.
“It’s okay, baby,” Kou whispered. “Everything is going to be okay. I’m here now.”
That’s right. Kou was here. He was here. His fucking depressed self was just overreacting. It was going to be okay.
With that, he let the pills take over and pull him into sleep.
~*~*~*~
Koutarou knew he wasn’t as good at words as Keiji or even Tetsurou, but he knew he could give a damn good hug. Prided himself in it. Hell, he would probably win some competitions because he was just that good and then he would be known as the man who was not just good at volleyball but…
He was trailing off again. How typical of him.
Anyway, he knew he was amazing at it. So when it came to calming down Kei, his baby, the youngest of their little group, he did what he knew best: gave him the best damn hug in the world.
To say that when Kei was like this, he knew exactly what to do would be a complete lie. No, this scared him. Scared him shitless. Worse than when he realized that after their final game of high school that he wouldn’t see Keiji as much. Worse than the time when a bee flew into his lemonade and only by a stroke of luck did he realize that he was about to swallow a whole bee… ok that was pretty high on the list, but still didn’t beat the depressed Kei asleep in his arms.
Kou understood to an extent. High school had been really rough for the ace. His mood swings made him doubt a lot of things about himself. He was quite positive at the time that he would scare them off before their relationship truly started. It got better as he got older, but that feeling never left him.
He moved the two of them to the couch. Knowing Kei, he would probably be out for the rest of the night. The bed was more ideal but the couch was closer.
After sending a quick test to Keiji and Tetsu, Kou snuggled closer to Kei. Kei whined softly in his sleep before relaxing completely in Kou’s arms. Kou sighed in relief.
It was one thing to return home to a depressed Kei. It was another thing altogether to come home to find that not only he was depressed but he was also drunk. Drunk Kei led to a lot of bad things. Kou distinctly remembered the time when Kei had gotten drunk way before the rest of them and he was trying to convince them to take part in some BDSM sex dream—not that he was opposed to it, it just came out of nowhere.
But that was a story for another time.
The main point was that Kei drunk did not make good decisions. Kei depressed did not make good decisions. Put them together and you get a whole mess. Kou knew he was in the right for being so scared.
Kei was the youngest. Therefore, he had a special place in all of their hearts. While he often hid his feelings behind an iron wall, they all knew that he felt too much. It was easy for him to get overwhelmed by his own emotions. That’s why they all watched him carefully to protect him from himself and others.
Kei was the light of their world, but he was the crippling darkness of his own.