Work Text:
A sigh escapes your lips as you study your body in the mirror. “Not much progress this week, either,” you tell yourself, dissatisfied. “What the fuck am I doing wrong?”
When the pandemic hit, you decided to lose some weight. For health purposes, you told yourself as you binged on fitness influencers online and followed their workout regimens to a T. You began restricting your calorie intake, counting every last one in a tracker. You also created your own workout regimen, taking things from different fitness gurus and turning it into your own. You settled for HIIT workouts every other day, while the days you didn’t work out were either used for running, and at least one rest day. It went well at first, you were patient– you didn’t mind the slow progress, but as the months passed and you reached a plateau, your dissatisfaction at your progress and yourself grew. You maintained your caloric intake, but increased the intensity of your workouts. You also started resting less and less, only doing so when you pushed yourself too hard.
Your boyfriend, Quest, would often try to get you to rest often and eat more. You felt guilty– you could see how much it was troubling him, but you couldn’t stop yourself. You needed to satisfy your craving for the euphoric rush you’d get after a workout. It was a drug at this point, and if you couldn’t get it while Quest was home, you’d wait until he was at work before you exercised. You’d lie and tell him that your tracker had a limit of more calories than you were actually ingesting.
You just wanted to look and feel your best. You thought that what you were doing was going to be good in the long run.
—
You turn around and begin studying your back. You’re so fixated on your sides that you don’t even notice someone walking in– it’s Quest.
He walks up behind you and wraps his arms around your waist, obstructing it from view in the mirror. He lets out a soft sigh before resting his chin on top of your head. “You’re doing it again, love.”
His voice sounds disappointed– no, heartbroken. You told him a few weeks ago that you’d stop body-checking when he caught you doing it, but like the workouts and your diet, you lied about that as well.
“Quest, I–” you pause. You’ve been caught in the act, there’s no use lying about what he saw.
“Why don’t you tell me these things?” he asks quietly. He draws circles on your skin with his thumb. You don’t know who it’s supposed to be soothing more– you, or him.
“I don’t want to be a burden to you,” you whisper, hanging your head in shame.
He holds you tightly, enveloping you in his warmth. “Don’t say that. You’re not a burden to me.”
Your legs feel weak. All the tension you’ve been holding in your chest wants to escape. You let out a choked sob.
“I just want to be more attractive. I want to look like someone that deserves to stand next to you,” you admit, tears welling up in your eyes.
Quest turns you around and lifts your chin up. He wipes your tears away with his thumb before running his fingers through your hair.
“If anything,” he starts. “I should be the one saying that, angel.”
You shoot him a quizzical look, tilting your head slightly. “I don’t… I don’t understand.”
“What I’m saying is that, while I support you working out and eating what you eat, they should be for the right reasons. They also shouldn’t be actively harming you,” he says, cupping your cheek with his hand. “It breaks my heart seeing you overexert yourself and hating yourself, because you shouldn’t. Now I know that I can’t say anything to make those feelings go away, but I want you to know that I love you, not for your looks, but because you’ve seen me for who I am and stuck by me regardless.”
“It’s so hard to stop doing this, though,” you say quietly. “I need to do it.”
Quest shakes his head, looking at you adoringly. “You don’t need to do it. I will, however, be with you every step of the way as you break these harmful habits– I love you too much to see you suffering like this, and I will do everything in my power to show you how loved you are every single day, my darling angel.”
He plants a soft kiss on your lips before pressing his forehead against your own. It’s at this moment that the urge to seek out the rush from working out fades, even just for a bit. Right now you’re content, and you’re grateful to know that your lover will be there to help you and guide you towards healthier goals. It'll be no easy task, but with Quest by your side, you feel like you can take on anything.
He pulls away and smiles before carrying you in his arms.
“I think it’s time I showed you how much I love you and your body.”