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Sebastian felt as if his heart were going to burst out of his throat. He tried to breath, inhaling one shaky breath through his mouth, then out his nose. His breath just seemed to solidify and refuse to budge, thickening in his esophagus with increasing anxiety.
From the other side of the busy Saloon hall, a musical laugh rang out and Sebastian’s attention was immediately grabbed.
Forgetting all about what had just suffocated him, Sebastian’s anxieties all slowly melted just watching Sam laugh. He couldn’t help but smile. Sam positively radiated with light and brilliance in a crowd like this. Surrounded by his family and friends, music and a good atmosphere; all this positive attention was Sam’s fuel, the thing that evolved him from an awkward, closeted little small-town boy to the man he’d grown into today. It was honestly, mesmerizing.
“You look chipper today,” a familiar voice pulled Sebastian swiftly out of his trance and back to the present. Abigail beamed almost deviously, greeted her friend with a swift embrace and then smiled even wider.
“Did you get it?” Sebastian wasn’t even sure why he questioned it. Maybe part of him had almost hoped Abigail wouldn’t have been able to pick it up in time; he could wait a few more days before doing this. What harm would a few more days do anyways?
“Have I ever failed you, Sebby?” She laughed lightly at the roll of his eyes but pulled from the pocket of her bag a small wrapped gift anyways.
Sebastian wasn’t sure when he’d begun to hold his breath or how long he anticipated to keep it until Abigail put a hand on his shoulder.
“Breathe, Sebastian.”
He exhaled, hot breath, a little shaken but strong. Now or never, Sebastian.
“He’s going to love it, you know.” It was meant to reassure his wrecked nerves. OSebastian couldn’t help feeling that bubbling, acidic heat in his stomach and shift his weight from one foot to the other.
“I don’t want him to think this is just-“
“Hey Sam!” Abigail shouted out before Sebastian could even finish that single negative thought. He paled immediately, body going icy cold and the piercing, downright dirty gaze he gave Abigail almost strong enough to smite her on spot, if he could. Abigail just laughed, as if Sebastian had just told her the most humorous story and not just talked himself into circles once more.
“Abs!” Sam’s voice rose from behind Sebastian before he could really prepare himself for it.
Sam greeted his other longtime friend similarly to Sebastian, a quick embrace and warm smile full of happiness. It made Sebastian smile too.
“Sebastian was just telling me about how he’d been hoping to get your attention for a minute to tell you something.”
He didn’t even think it was possible to want to burn her even more than before, yet here they all were now.
“Really?” Sam sounded amused in his conversation and lightly touched Sebastian’s arm. He gave him the warmest smile that Sebastian hadn’t seen in a long time. The kind of smile that made something warm and fizzy bubble in your chest and spread through your bloodstream until it tickles your fingers and toes. The kind of smile that made your breath just catch and your head feel light. The kind of smile that Sebastian hadn’t even realized he’d fallen in love with until he was far too gone into the deep, dark, depths.
A genuine Samson smile.
“Seb?”
He’d almost forgotten where he was or what was happening. “Right,” Sebastian said quickly, warmth flooding into his neck and face. “I just wanted to talk to you for a minute…”
Sebastian could see the curiosity in Sam’s brow and almost lost his nerve before he’d even had a chance to grab it in the first place.
“I have to go find Riley real quick, but you guys come find me afterwards. ‘Kay?” Abigail didn’t even wait for a response before her bright purple curls were disappearing into the crowd beyond.
Sam turned back to his love, still smiling warmly and waiting expectantly, but patiently.
He really did have the best smile.
“You okay?” Sam asked him more cautiously when Sebastian spent five seconds just seemingly staring. “Is the party too much?”
Fuck, why’d he have to be so nice, even right now?
“No, it’s fine.” Sebastian swallowed back the lump in his throat, a move not missed by Sam, whose expression faltered as worry settled in. “Uhh,” Sebastian glanced around quickly. There were still so many people around, so many people now noticing their proximity and likely listening in. Even from a distance he could see the familiar purple curls talking to Riley and Shane but so clearly still eyeballing the birthday boy and his boyfriend.
“Can we talk for a minute?” Now or never. “Just the two of us?”
Sam’s face dropped visibly in his eyes, even if he faked the smile on his lips. “Sure…”
Sebastian grabbed his hand and led him out of the noisy room and towards the small, back billiard room before anything else could interrupt.
Sam followed him quietly, glancing around for just a brief second and then smiling brightly at the familiarity of the space.
“Wow,” the blond spoke quietly once Sebastian had stopped them just in front of the pool table. “I can’t believe this room is still exactly as it was back then.”
It wasn’t entirely true. There were new pictures on the walls now. Photos of families that had grown and expanded over the past decade in Pelican town. Weddings that had been hosted nearby, town events that had been catered by Gus and the saloon. Monumental nights worth remembering in the valley’s history…
Sam paused as his eyes met one photo in particular, a slow, known smiling illuminating his expression from the corner of his lips to the ends of his eyelashes.
Sebastian followed his gaze curiously, forgetting about the gift in his pocket for a moment as he laid eyes on the photo.
“It’s us.” He hadn’t intended for his voice to come out so soft and low, but something about seeing that photo made time seem to slow.
It was them, alright. Sam, with his crazy spikes and a torn up denim jacket, patches from his favorite bands, and jeans who’s tears you couldn’t tell we’re purposeful or accidental because they all just blended in together. He beamed at the camera, clearly having just noticed it a second before the photo was taken.
Beside him, a younger, all-black Sebastian. He remembered that hoodie he wore. He’d practically lived in the thing those few years before they’d left town. It wasn’t the hoodie that captured Sebastian or Sam’s attention, however. It was the younger Sebastian in the photograph who hadn’t noticed a camera was present, but instead looked up at Sam with a pool cue in hand, giving one of those rare, warm smiles. The kind of smile Sebastian saved exclusively for only a handful of opportunities in his life. The kind of smile that made the both of them stop and stare for a while at the rarity and magnitude of such a face. The type of smile that made it so abundantly clear how much in love he was at the man he was watching.
“You look really happy in that,” Sam spoke quietly. Sebastian’s eyes glanced up at him a moment, his bones and joints thawing.
“I was.”
It was meant to be a good thing to say. Sebastian had intended it as an affirmation, not anything negative. Yet, Sam seemed to wilt at his choice of words and turned away slowly to lean up against the familiar pool table they’d spent so many nights around.
“What?”
Sam exhaled from his nose slowly, hands together in front of him. “Are you happy now?” He spoke so quietly it only made the weight of his words heavily. “Like at this very moment in time,” Sam added. “Are you happy with the way your life has turned out?”
Sebastian couldn’t help but blink a few times. He’d had so many other thoughts on his mind a minute prior. He’d been so preoccupied with the gift in his pocket and what he was going to say to Sam when he gave it to him, that he hadn’t even remembered to notice the elephant in the room.
“Are you still happy…” Sam hesitated “…with me?”
Sebastian could physically feel the weight of his heart drop in his chest. He took a tentative step forward, closer to Sam until his hands just barely grazed Sam’s nervous fingers.
“I don’t want you to settle. I know you think you owe me something, and —“
Sebastian cut him off mid sentence by pressing his lips to his. Clearly taking him by surprise, Sam froze in his position a moment. Sebastian never initiated like this. Sure, he’d kiss him back. He’d return affection. Hell, they’d spent weeks sneaking around this very town when Sam was still closeted and their world was still so much smaller than it was today.
But this? Initiating a kiss? In public ?
Sam slowly, hesitantly let himself melt into Sebastian’s affection. He let his mind swirl into the smell of Sebastian’s cologne in his nostrils, and the weight of his fingers in his own hands.
Sebastian pulled away just enough to take a breath but still kept his eyes closed.
“I love you, Sam.”
It wasn’t enough.
“I know that,” Sam began to argue back again. “But i—“
Sebastian kissed him again, this time a little more forcefully, his hands just barely pulling Sam’s taller body closer until the fight to argue faded away.
“Sam,” Sebastian’s voice was breathless and heated. “I need to get this out before I lose my nerve. Just let me talk for a minute.”
Sam made a noise low in his throat that was something akin to a chuckle but let him continue uninterrupted, as he’d asked. Sebastian still held Sam’s fingers in his hands.
“I’m not good at showing you I love you.” Deep breath. “I-I wish I was. Because I love you so, so much, it hurts me to think you don’t know how important you are to me.”
“Sebby,” Sam hesitated to interrupt this heartfelt confession and Sebastian paused him before he could say anymore anyways.
“I do, Sam.” He continued with more force in his voice. “And maybe you don’t think so, but I do. And I know that being able to ignore my own doubts is one of the things I’m still working on and will probably be working on for a really long time.”
Sam looked like he was about to cry. His eyes were red and watery, and he wore that smile like he was just waiting for someone to punch him and wake him.
“I am happy, I am healthy, I am a better person because I have you in my life. And I know I could never repay you for all the good you’ve put in my life, but I wouldn’t mind…” Sebastian had to catch his breath. The last few words swelled in his throat so he swallowed hard and pushed them through. “I wouldn’t mind spending the rest of my life trying to prove it to you.”
He waited. Heart pounding in his chest, blood pulsing into his veins, and acutely aware of the way he stood between Sam’s knees with his still fingers still in his hands, Sebastian just waited for a response.
“…” Sam opened his mouth to speak but instead only a watery breath escaped his lips. It made them both chuckle and the air between them almost seemed to dissipate like clearing fog. Sam tugged at Sebastian’s hands until he was just a step close. He could feel Sebastian’s breath on his lips, the cool heat of his body radiating off his skin and clothes. Sam moved so close as if to kiss him and then just paused.
“You still don’t get it.”
Sebastian blinked. Of all the things he’d expected Sam to say that wasn’t even in the hundred possibilities. Sam clearly knew it too, because he chuckled at Sebastian’s reaction but didn’t let him suffer too long, pulling humming for a low and slow kiss before he said anything else.
It melted Sebastian a bit. Made him soft and malleable, ready to hear Sam’s words.
“You don’t see it,” Sam started again. “But I do.”
Long breath.
“I see it in the way you complain when I order too much junk food. Always with a lecture about healthier options which I know I complain about even though I know you’re right. I see it in the way that you just remember to grab my medication when you go to the store. I don’t even remember to remind you, it’s like you always think about it before I do.”
He’d never even considered it.
“And when I have bad days, when my migraines keep me on the couch all day with all the lights and sounds off, you sit with me sometimes. You bring me the cold back, and sometimes you even massage my scalp, and I don’t even think you notice you're doing it.”
He was right; Sebastian hadn’t noticed that was something he did frequently.
“Or how about how you work in bed every night?”
Sebastian shifted to defense. “I shouldn’t,” he began before Sam started up again.
“Oh, I know,” he laughed. “But I think you do it because you know I don't like to go to bed alone. You do it to just spend more time with me, even if it’s silent time, I know you’re there.”
Sebastian was absolutely still. He hadn’t thought about any of those things. None of them were intentional, they were just the way he operated.
“Or what about…how you quit smoking for me?”
That one he did think about.
“I had to,” Sebastian tried to argue but Sam wouldn’t let him.
“No you didn’t,” he started quickly. “I didn’t ask you to. I didn’t mind. I wanted and loved you as you were, I never asked you to change anything to suit me.”
“But...”
“-But my doctor told you it was affecting my asthma and so you quit?”
So much for confidentiality.
“He told me so. About six months later when I came in for a checkup, he asked me how things were and I told him you’d quit smoking. How you just stopped one day and never picked up another cigarette.” Sam made a face. “I also told him how you nearly murdered me in the process but eventually we got through it.”
They both chuckled.
“I got healthier because you did. My allergies and my asthma really improved just because you love me. ”
Sebastian hadn’t thought he was half as emotional as he was until his eyes burned for a release.
“You show me you love me every day, Babe. And maybe it’s different than the way I do. Quieter. But you can’t fake doing something off instinct, and you can’t fake all the little ways you tell every single day how important I am to you.”
He’d never thought about it.
“You tell me all the time how you don’t know how to love me, but I’ve never doubted in the seven years we’ve been together that you love me. It was always so clear. You always made me a better person by being with you.”
Sam winced for a second. “Except maybe when you turned thirty and it was like you hit some third-life crisis and started overthinking everything…”
Sebastian did groan at that. He still felt horrible.
“You never even told me what happened to make that all go down. I don’t know if I did something to annoy you, or it was pressure from your mom, or someone else said something…”
He knew full well what stupid little conversation had sent him spiraling.
“But whatever it was,” Sam looked him in the eyes. “ You are what I want. Still do. More today than I did when that picture was taken.”
He believed it .
Sebastian hadn’t do so long, but tonight, after this week and all the conversations and memories and reminder he’d had, he couldn’t not believe Sam.
“So…” Sam chuckled quietly. “Can we go back to the party now? I’m sure by now Abby thinks we’re up to no good in here.”
Finally, Sebastian groaned loudly and dramatically, pulling a bright and bubbly laugh from Sam. It made the room that much brighter. His laugh illuminated the air with light and warmth like the sun tattooed on Sebastian’s neck.
Speaking of…
Sam moved, climbing down off his perched edge of the pool table and almost making a pass to leave when Sebastian finally remembered why he’d pulled him into the room in the first place.
“Wait!” He stopped him before he could leave.
This wasn’t how he’d planned this.
This wasn’t how people told the stories of nights like this. He’d already started once and Sam had totally missed what he was saying.
Attempt number two. Now or never.
“I have your birthday present.”
Sam smiled. “My birthday was last week,” he chuckled.
“I know,” Sebastian visibly reddened. He’d forgotten earlier, but now that box in his pocket practically burned through his jeans. “But it took a while to get here and I wanted to give it to you alone before you go out there.”
Sam didn’t even question it. He smiled, as if no explanation were even necessary and leaned back up against the pool table.
Sebastian procured from his pocket the small black box. It’s bow a little smushed from the inside of his clothes, but no more less for wear.
He wanted to say something else. He’d practiced all the things he could say to Sam as he gave him this particular gift in his head, and yet now that it was happening Sebastian couldn’t bring anything to come out of his damn mouth.
Sam took the gift lightly with a smile and opened it.
It was a silver guitar pick, nestled beautifully amongst cushioned packaging on an expensive looking silver chain. In the corner of the pick two small stones, one all black and the other golden and shimmering.
“It’s beautiful,” Sam’s voice had already dropped several levels. He was going to cry. He could already feel it.
“It’s white gold,” Sebastian said nervously as he watched Sam inspecting the gift. “So you can wear it as long as you want and hopefully don’t get any reactions from it.”
Add that to the list of ways you show love.
Sam knew what it meant. The warm, golden stone and the pure black crystal intertwined. “It’s us,” he said so quietly, Sebastian almost didn’t hear it. He was much too wrapped up in watching Sam begin to remove the necklace from its box and holding his breath.
There was an inscription at the bottom of the box, just below where the pick rested. Sam had almost missed it in taking out the pendant and only noticed as he went to move it away.
‘Summer 22, the day we got engaged.’
Sebastian watched Sam’s expression with bated breath. His blue eyes just seemed to glaze over for a second. Then they widened, and Sebastian watched the breath trap in Sam’s throat. Part of Sebastian wanted to believe he knew what his reaction meant. Tears of happiness. Tears of joy. An overjoyed ‘fuck, yes!’
He wouldn’t be Sebastian without that tinge of doubt though. The tiny voice in the back of his brain biting away at all positivity, telling him how much of a colossal mistake this all was.
He’s going to say no. He deserves so much better than anything you could ever-
“This isn’t happening.”
Sebastian blinked and felt his skin clam up. Sam must have noticed too because he instantly regretted his choice of wording, made a motion to take it back…and then began to laugh.
It confused Sebastian and only made his insecurities worse.
“Is this really happening?!” Sam was practically crying through his laughter now.
“Sam…” Sebastian wasn’t sure to run away or ask for clarification, and his own anxieties were only getting worse the longer he waited for a response. Sebastian took a hesitant step back before Sam noticed and pulled him closer by the arm until he smashed his mouth against him sloppily.
“I love you Sebastian McCallister, you know that?”
He was beginning to get the gist of it.
“You just had to beat me to it, didn’t you.”
Sebastian pulled just inches away and blinked dumbly for a second before that one sank in.
“Did Abby tell you I had rings?” Sam asked with glee and disbelief in his voice. “I knew I shouldn’t have told her. She’s always told you everything .”
Abby.
His Abby?
The one who’s whole idea…
“You were going to propose to me?!” Sebastian hadn’t even registered the pitch or volume of his voice until it was far too late. Sam smiled wildly, blue eyes practically dancing with mischief as he instinctively seemed to pull him in closer, Sebastian finding himself wedged between Sam’s knees and much too preoccupied to neither notice nor care.
He couldn’t believe it.
Actually, he could believe Abigail would do something like this which was the most infuriating part of the whole thing.
“I bought rings months ago.” Sam spoke in a lower voice. “They were going to be a surprise for your birthday, but then you got all weird so I held off and…”
And then everything got messy.
Sebastian was stunned. He stood still and contemplative, barely even registering Sam pepper his neck with kisses or pulling him closer still, arms tight around him.
Was this really happening?
“If it’s not obvious,” Sam smirked, teeth just hesitantly gracing the pale flesh of Sebastian’s throat. “That was a definite ‘yes.’ ”