Work Text:
Take a dirty picture, babe
I can't sleep and I miss your face
In my hands and in my knees
Tell me what you wanna do to me
Tell me what you'll do, please
I don't wanna be alone
I don't wanna be alone anymore
Candy coloured sunset greets him as he slides open the veiled windows.
The sun sets low in the horizon, streetlights already littering the view. Occasional whirring of the cars and low rumbling of the pedestrians float up to his fourth floor apartment. He stands there for a moment, breathing in the view, and appreciating the cityscape for what it is—busy and full of life, but also boasting serenity at the same time. Secrets never unearthed right before his eyes, changing every day. Something so beautiful about the twinkling stars that greet their twins in the streetlamps, the clementine orange of the sky fading into blue, the motion blur of cars rushing about their day when Hyunjin tries to capture them.
He uncaps a tube of paint that reads aquamarine on the label and sets down the wine bottle with a clink. Shutting the windows, he adjusts the stool in front of the marble white canvas he’d set up only this afternoon. Feet warm in his fuzzy slippers, he flicks his wrist to capture the sky and canvas, and watches, fascinated at his own work. How an ephemeral scene that he would never experience the same ever again could be printed down as permanent with drops of paint and the correct brush strokes.
Billie holliday plays from his phone as he works, eyes fluttering between the canvas and the already changed sky. The orange is just horsetail streaks against small cirrus clouds, and blue is slowly giving way to the dark of the night. The crescent moon is translucent against the still fading light. He puts it in his painting.
The red, black and neon lights blend together nicely under the stroke of his brush. Black and a dash of white is mixed to give rise to the predominant grey that makes the asphalt. A few horizontal lines over where he’s roughly painted the cars. He leans forward till the bumper of the car he’s struggling with is at eye level and a few centimetres away. His hand shakes as he tries to get the motion blur down.
The city is the hardest part to capture on paper. So full, so many details that go unnoticed. Keeps changing. Hyunjin has a keen eye for details, being an artist and all, but he sits on this very stool and gazes down from his balcony everyday, and he’s gifted with a new challenge every single day—and he loves it. He loves being able to expand on his own canvas of what makes him what he is. He loves that he’s the one who gets to live through these moments and show other people a fragment of what it would be like to be him.
He leans back to scrutinise the rough painting. So much time has passed and he’s not even close to being finished. The sky is pitch black with stars glittering and greeting down at him. The moonshine is much more prominent now that it’s dark all around.
Hyunjin pauses, lets the brushes firmly lodged between his fingers fall into the cup that he propped up on the stand and takes his time to look at the sky.
In a marvellously timed moment, the song from his phone speakers stops playing, and a low buzzing fills the space. He reaches out for it, legs cramping at having been sat in the same position for so long, and swipes the receive button.
In the small screen in the bottom right corner, he sees himself in all his artist glory. Sleep laddled eyes, and his hair falling apart from the hasty ponytail. Small specks of paint on his chin from where he had itched. The moonlight and city lights come together to provide him a small limelight for his boyfriend to look at him, as he greets him with a soft, “hey.”
It’s been years. Hyunjin shouldn’t be ogling at his boyfriend like a creep, his boyfriend whose face he used to see everyday at some point. He knows he’s staring and he can’t stop himself from doing it, because his boyfriend is just so damn beautiful and it makes him lose his breath.
Loose strands of hair frame his face as he adjusts the screen, grinning at Hyunjin’s wide eyed wonder in amusement. The black tie at his neck hangs loose, crisp white shirt barely held together. Seungmin unbottoms the neck button and goes a little further than that by unbuttoning the next as well. Hyunjin genuinely feels like he might faint at how hot he looks, and the sheer amount he misses him.
“Business party?” Hyunjin croaks out, throat dry. Seungmin’s usual attire consists of prim, tightly tailored suits as well, and he’s seen them all before, sure, but the expression on his face is different. The glow on his face and shine in his eyes are different, and Hyunjin wonders why.
“Yup.” Seungmin replies. “Bunch of old people. Champagne. Lots of champagne. Some guy tried to take me up to his room, or something.” he laughs. “Did I mention old?”
His smile is contagious, and Hyunjin finds himself smiling as well even though his voice is distorted and his pixelated face is a tad bit choppy. He’s forced himself not to care, because it’s Seungmin and this barrier of distance is something he’s worked on dealing with for the past two years. Something they’ve worked on. He tries not to care that it’s his pillow and not Seungmin’s fingers get tangled in his hair as he wakes up. Tries not to pay attention to the fact that all his friends his age were hanging out with their significant others and getting married while he keeps waiting for Seungmin to come back.
Feels like forever, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. He loves this and he loves him, and he’d do everything the same way if he had the chance.
“You look really good.” Hyunjin tells him quietly, after he’s told him about the variety of people he’s had to deal with over the span of five hours. He could look at him all day long and never get tired. “Send me some photos.”
“Aw, but I didn't take any.” Seungmin says, very clearly messing with him, from the way he’s still smiling. He knows Hyunjin wants pictures of him all the time so he tries to take them for him, even through his busy schedules and his unforgivable hatred towards cameras. He supposes it comes from being surrounded by the press and flashing lights all the time, and Hyunjin tells him he doesn’t need to if he doesn’t want to. He does it anyway.
His phone buzzes for a few long moments as an influx of new messages show up on his screen. Hyunjin taps the banner message and is redirected to five photos of a suited Seungmin in all his glory. He scrolls through them, face growing a little hot at the knowledge that Seungmin could study his reactions through the camera.
The first one is a selca of himself, smiling sweetly. In the way Hyunjin knows he’s reserved just for him.
The second and third are full body shots of Seungmin. One where he’s standing leaning against a rather fancy looking staircase. The backdrop is baroque era clashing with the neglect of the present house caretakers, visible in the chipped plaster of the wall below a large, framed abstract painting. The second is him staring directly at the camera, crouched. Tight navy suit contours his slim figure deliciously and Hyunjin wants nothing more than to have him here with him.
The last two are a photo of high classy people in a frame, Seungmin standing handsome third left from the centre. Pride swells in his chest as he notices the press surrounding them and notes the high profile—old—businessmen that Seungmin has his arms politely placed behind. And that’s his boyfriend. Among all these people, that’s his Seungmin.
“You like it?” He remained silent for so long that he almost forgot he was on call. He logs out of the chat and returns to his gorgeous face looking flushed as he waits for an answer.
“I do.” Hyunjin says. “Did a whole photoshoot for me, didn’t you?”
“Yeah. All for you.” Seungmin breathes out. “Minho helped. His eye for framing composition is great, I kept telling him to try his hand out in photography. He works this thing on the side where he acts as a fansite for his boyfriend. It’s kind of cute to see him squealing over his boyfriend. Fiance. Did I tell you he proposed?”
Only about a hundred times, Hyunjin thinks. He wonders why he keeps bringing it up. Instead he laughs, “you did. I’m so happy for them. Watching Jeongin lose his shit over Minho has been a challenge in itself. When I tell you I was more relieved when he finally confessed.”
“Man, that was so long ago.” Seungmin says, his face shifting. A bunch of floppy hair hits the screen, followed by a “fuck!”.
Hyunjin laughs to himself as he waits for him to come back into focus. A while later the phone is picked up and Seungmin is on his bed now, his phone held high over his face. “If I drop this I'm done for. I don’t have money for surgery.”
“Says the guy who sent his boyfriend tickets to mitski shows just so you could see him.” Hyunjin fires back immediately. Seungmin doesn’t even listen to mitski. He’s never going to let him live that down. It was kind of cute actually. To know that Seungmin misses him as much as he does, to know that he wants him as much as he does.
“But you liked it.” Seungmin says, that smug bastard. Hyunjin feels his jaw hurt from how wide he’s smiling. The rest of the scenery is just a backdrop to complement this moment of his life, and he has eyes for only him. He sets the phone on the canvas stand. “You’re deflecting. The point here isn’t if I liked it. The point is you have money for surgery.”
Seungmin laughs. “Where are we going with this?”
Hyunjin pretends to think, twirling his hair with his index finger and all. “What I'm trying to say is—” he lowers his voice, hoping Seungmin wouldn’t catch the desperate tilt that he knows would hinge on to his voice. “—you should come visit me.”
His eyes soften. “Soon, baby, I'll try. You know what it’s like. I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s not—don’t be sorry. Please don’t feel guilty. I know that you’re busy, and I’m so fucking proud of you. I just really miss you. It comes and goes, it’s just one of those moments. I’m here, I'll wait.” His voice feels thick with emotions. He’ll wait. He’ll wait and wait and wait till he tumbles into his arms, where he’ll catch him before he falls over himself.
His mom used to chide him for one of the most prominent personality traits a child can have. Stubbornness. It grows out over time, or so he thought. It never did grow out of him, and it seeps into his everyday life in the form of forcing his eyes to stay awake to finish one last painting, it shows in his habit of never ordering takeout to save his money even though the peer pressure is strong, it encompasses his life as he waits for Seungmin.
“I’m sorry.” Seungmin apologises again when he’s told not to. Apologises again because he feels like—he knows Hyunjin wants more, and he just feels terrible because he can’t give the love of his life what he wants when he wants to give him everything and more.
“I miss you so much.” Hyunjin abandons all pretence. His words get caught up with a sniffle as a gentle wind brushes past. “So fucking much. I don’t want to say it hurts because it’ll make you worry more, and that’s like, the last thing I want right now.” he raises his eyes to the screen where he sees him framing it with an expression so soft, so tender that it makes him believe that the distance is worth it.
“I can’t do anything without you crossing my mind, like, at least five times an hour.” Seungmin confesses with a watery smile. Hyunjin laughs, and it comes out choked. “I’ll try, baby, I really will. Would you wait a little longer? Can you? I won’t blame you if you say no, but I need—”
“Shut up.” Hyunjin interrupts. ”I’ll wait. For as long as you want me to. I love you, and I know you love me, so I'll do it.”
He makes a face. “That’s so sappy.”
“It is.” Seungmin says, the relief blooming on his face not going amiss even if it was through a screen. “You love sappy.”
“I do.” like you. You’re sappy. He turns to literal sap and mush with him, even if he pretends like he’s anything but. He says his love language is just acts of service (because he likes himself an illusion of being cool and mysterious) when in reality it’s a weird mixture of affection, words of affirmation, and taking care of him.
“Tired?” Hyunjin asks, watching him stifle a yawn. He used to reach out and caress the screen sometimes, trying to see if there was a way he could feel him. “Yeah, sorry. I think I'll fall asleep soon.”
Seungmin informs him that he’s going to get changed for bed, and he puts down the phone. Angles it vertically so that the junction wall right of his bed and the bathroom door is visible. He proceeds to wash off the assortment of makeup rubbed on his face and slips out of his fancy work shirt.
Hyunjin feels like a creep staring at him like this, but he’s doing it in the frame the camera captures. Hyunjin is only human, very whipped for his boyfriend at that. So he ogles at him like a fucking loser, flushing when Seungmin glances back at him with a knowing smirk.
Seungmin is objectively hot, that’s a fact. You’d have to be blind to not notice that. But it’s the emotional aspect that plays into it, and the factor of not having his hands on him in such a long time. A small show and he’s already on the verge of breaking; is that all it takes? Seungmin has too much power over him. He can’t say that he hates it, quite the opposite in fact.
“What’s the painting of the day?” Seungmin asks, as he settles back into bed in his comfortable striped pyjamas and a loose sleep shirt. He looks softer now, unguarded and all the hard tension that often shows on his face has melted away. Hyunjin switches over the camera to show him. “I’ll finish it and upload later.”
“Very pretty.” Seungmin notes when he’s flipped the camera back, a note of sleep slipping into his voice. Hyunjin smiles. “Should I hang up?”
The “no!” is louder than it should’ve been and it startles a laugh out of Hyunjin. “You can like—paint. Wanna watch you. Hang up when I fall asleep.”
“Okay, love.” Hyunjin complies easily, a weird happy tingling in his chest. He likes it when Seungmin gets like this. Likes the affirmation that he’s not just wasting the time of him—high profile, classy, busy Seungmin. Hyunjin was but an artist, a freelancer, doing things whenever he felt like. He washes his doubts away with something as simple as asking to watch him.
They’ve done this so many times before, but Hyunjin still feels shy about having eyes on him while he does something so personal to him. He adjusts the phone so that it isn’t in the risk of getting colours all over it, and angles it towards himself.
“So pretty.” Seungmin says again, sighing somewhat dreamily. Hyunjin has a feeling that he’s not talking about the painting and he glances back to find big black eyes staring back at him. His cheeks flare at the undivided attention and he offers him a small smile before returning to his work.
Almost thirty minutes have passed when his concentration breaks again. He looks at the screen to find ochre ceiling and hears soft breaths. He picks it up.
“Did you fall asleep?” he asks, not really expecting a reply. He receives a low snore in response and quietly laughs to himself. He ends the call, silently wishing him a good night’s sleep and hits play on a nocturne that had came up on shuffle.
Hyunjin: good night bb <3
Hyunjin’s sleep is broken by the loud ringing of the doorbell. He jerks up, straining his neck in the process, and rubs his eyes. The bell rings again, and he rolls out with a groan. “Oh, fuck off.”
He glances at the clock: 11 am. Fuck. He slept the whole morning away. Wearing a shirt thrown over the nearby chair and an impending headache, he stumbles out into the hallway and hurries to open the door.
A glance through the peephole tells him that it’s delivery. Again. It’s like the third time this month.
He opens the door, and the guy hands him a parcel with a request to sign on his list. He does so, takes the parcel, hurries back to the drawing room, and places it on the coffee table. It's neatly packaged, white polka dotted red foil with a shiny ribbon to top. A pink note slipped under the criss-crossing ribbons that reads: Is this too much? But anyways you complained about running out of gouache and sent me those brushes you wanted, so here you go.
Hyunjin laughs, delighted, and carefully peels the wrapping off so that it doesn’t tear. Oh, these are great, he thinks, a childish giggle tumbling out like a kid at a candy store who got the toffee he wanted. He tears off the plastic wrapped around the box and the brushes, promising himself to try them out tonight.
Hyunjin: u didn’t have to do thatttt
Hyunjin: thank you min i love u :((
Seungmin: who am i to deny my bf
Seungmin: i got the correct one right?
Hyunjin: yea :((
Hyunjin: you gotta
Hyunjin: stop wasting your hard earned money on me :((
Seungmin: oh sorry the connections bad can’t hear you
Hyunjin: we’re texting :3
Seungmin: hush baby
Seungmin: lemme spoil you
Hyunjin: so im your sugar baby now is what you’re saying
Seungmin: yes
Seungmin: exactly
Seungmin: my pretty sugar baby <33
Hyunjin: …
Hyunjin: didnt take u to be the type to have a daddy kink
Seungmin: i do not have a daddy kink
Hyunjin: 1st sign of lying: denial
Hyunjin: its ok bby i wont judge
Seungmin: im pretty sure it doesn’t work that way
Seungmin: shut up ihy
Hyunjin: you love me <33
Seungmin: sigh
Seungmin: can’t deny that
Seungmin: what’d u eat
Hyunjin: oh no
Hyunjin: havent eaten yet
Seungmin: how many times
Seungmin: do i
Hyunjin: I JUST WOKE UP OKAY
Seungmin: have to tell u
Seungmin: the way you live gives me anxiety
Seungmin: go eat
Seungmin: ramen isn’t breakfast
Seungmin: make a lettuce sandwich or smth
Hyunjin: ew lettuce
Seungmin: and tomato
Seungmin: lettuce sandwich.
Seungmin: none of the ew lettuce
Hyunjin: fineee
Hyunjin: youll pay for this
Seungmin: sure
Hyunjin: count your days kim Seungmin
Hyunjin: you might have guards all around u
Hyunjin: im far cuter
Hyunjin: i’ll attack you with my cuteness
Hyunjin: you wont be able to escape
Hyunjin: O.O
Seungmin: im so scared
Seungmin: and then what
Hyunjin: and then i’ll kidnap u
Hyunjin: and make u live with me forever
Hyunjin: can u hear me evil laughing
Seungmin: wont that be just horrible now
Seungmin: i can
Seungmin: thought it was a hyena at first
Hyunjin: are u insulting hyenas
Seungmin: yes
Hyunjin: how dare u insult hyenas
Hyunjin: shame on u kim Seungmin
Hyunjin: [photo]
Seungmin: HYUNJIN NO
Seungmin: PUT HER DOWN
Seungmin: WE CAN TALK THIS OUT LIKE ADULTS PLEASE DON’T DO THIS
Hyunjin: wouldn’t you like to see her cotton seeping out
Hyunjin: [video]
Hyunjin: apologize or her life will be in danger
Seungmin: IM SO SORRY
Seungmin: PUT HER DOWN PLEASE
Hyunjin: mhm thats right
Seungmin: arent u supposed to be eating why are u harassing my plushies
Hyunjin: you’re so bossy dont the people in your office talk shit
Seungmin: im never buying u anything again
Seungmin: im divorcing u
Hyunjin: Seungmin i love u so much light of my life the earth gasps in relief every morning you wake up and theres sunshine and rainbows all over the world you’re so precious love u <33
Seungmin: well done
Seungmin: now go eat
Hyunjin: ugh
Hyunjin: u go back to your work
Hyunjin: i wanna sleep
Seungmin: its literally afternoon
Hyunjin: ok and
Hyunjin: i stayed up all night okay
Hyunjin: i posted that painting btw
He taps on the screen of his phone while he waits for a response. When no three dots appear, he puts down his face and goes back to staring at the toaster with a small smile. He once accidentally looked at himself in the mirror while talking to him, and the tenderness in his expression surprised him. He wonders if he used to look at Seungmin like that before they got together. The others said he made heart eyes at him all the time. He wonders if Seungmin looked at him like that.
The bread pops up and scares the living shit out of him. He plugs in his phone and connects it to his airpods, before taking up the bread and heading over to the refrigerator for the lettuce. He has chips somewhere. He could put them into the bread. And mayonnaise, yes, mayonnaise.
He stands in front of the kitchen shelf, debating between butter and mayonnaise while doing a little dance to cheer up blaring in his ears. Finally deciding that he’ll go with butter, he heaves it out and places it over the counter. He lathers a generous amount onto both sides of his bread, tears the lettuce leaves, and places them between the slices. The chips go with them, and one slice of tomato just because Seungmin told him to.
He hops up on the counter and takes a large chomp of the ‘sandwich’. The chips crunch under his teeth he chews, poking into his cheeks. If someone broke in at the moment all they’d hear was impossibly loud crunches and muffled, out of tune ‘cheer up, baby!’s.
It takes him a while to finish his delicious condiment. When he does, the song has changed to fancy. It’s at this moment that he, very intelligently, decides to check his phone. A pretty painting of a pier out on the sea lights up. It’s 12 noon. That’s when the food in his stomach starts to settle in, and he abruptly realises that he has work at half past 12.
“Shit!” he yells out loud, probably scaring the neighbours. He had thought it was Sunday, which makes absolutely no sense since he told Seungmin to go back to his work a few moments ago. He drops his phone back on the chair it had been charging on, and hastily heads into the bathroom.
Oh no, he studies his red rimmed eyes, crow’s nest hair and swollen face. Yeji’s gonna think i’m high, he thinks in horror, as he dumps face wash on his face hastily, scrubbing and rubbing away. He has no time to switch on the geyser and wait so he gets in the bath, dumps a bucket of cold water over himself, wraps a towel around himself and walks out.
Shivers out would be the correct expression, because goddamn does he shake like a dog. Bad idea, bad idea, bad idea, he repeats himself as he wears a plain white shirt and pulls on black jeans. Absolutely terrible idea. He can’t stop shaking and it takes him 5 minutes more to clasp his necklace.
“Oh come on!” he mutters to himself, pulling on his far too small shoes will all his might. “Fucking come on, son of a—thank fucking god.” Finally getting them in, he trudges in on his shoe toes and collects his wallet, charger and phone. Snatches the tote bag that has absolutely nothing in it except hairbands and a single pen, and drops the items inside it.
He stands in the centre of the room for a moment, trying to remember if anything was left to do. Oh no. He drops the bag and rushes in the bathroom.
The geyser flashes an angry red, seemingly seething at him. He quickly switches it off, grimacing at how hot the water’s surely going to be. Maybe he could take a hot bath at night. He could call Seungmin. But he always gets so busy when it was night here. He’ll figure out a way to get his attention.
He pulls out his phone to see the time and gets distracted by three new messages from Seungmin. Deciding to reply when he reaches the cafe, he shoves it back into his pocket, before remembering that he was supposed to check the time.
He utters a very eloquent ‘fuck!’ and scares the poor granny in the midst of walking her dog on the pavement.
Throwing an apologetic smile her way, he breaks out into a run for the nearest bus stop 5 minutes away. He’s so going to be late. Yeji is so going to shred him to pieces. Maybe he’ll pester Ryujin to make her excuse him. She’s always had a soft spot for her.
He slows down as it becomes very clear that he won’t reach in time. He falls into a brisk walk, letting the wind brush over his face and tangle up his finger combed hair. A dog comes towards him and he pauses to ask the guy her name and pet her. She seems to like him, following after him as he resumes walking.
He takes a photo of the brown leaves swirling around a bare tree, as if trying to float back to the branch they had once been attached to. The arms of the tree sway with the wind and more leaves pirouette down. Some of them catch in his hair and he laughs and shakes them off.
He looks up, and the sunlight streams in through the many gaps on the branches, shadowing an orange-brown-grey kaleidoscope on the street.
I miss you more than anything, he mouths a silent wish to the sky, hoping he hears him.
[k.sm liked a photo]
[k.sm commented: YOU SO TALENTED]
Seungmin: THIS IS SO PRETTY OMG LOVE IT
Seungmin: NO BCS. MARRY ME. RIGHT NOW.
Hyunjin pauses in the action of sweeping the curtains aside, and stares at the screen. The smile that takes form is instinctual at this point, as is everything when it comes to him. He leans against the single sofa. Other days, he would’ve taken in the view in front of him, but today? Today he only has eyes for what his boyfriend says.
Hyunjin: ok
Hyunjin: wheres the ring
Seungmin: oh no
Hyunjin: kim Seungmin.
Hyunjin: GIVE ME THE RING WHERE IS IT
Hyunjin: you rich enough gimme ring
Seungmin: *conjures up ring*
Seungmin: anything for u
Hyunjin: thank you daddy :p
Seungmin: what the fuck
Seungmin: if you ever say that again im breaking up with u
Seungmin: dont u dare
Hyunjin: daddy
Hyunjin: but
Hyunjin: but we’re alr married :((
Seungmin: …
Seungmin: im divorcing u
Hyunjin: you wouldn’t
Hyunjin: im too cute
Hyunjin: whos going to send you voice messages of kisses
Hyunjin: whos going to simp over you in your boring suit
Hyunjin: or send you froggo pics
Hyunjin: or send you the stuff you want to see ;)
Seungmin: dude
Hyunjin: hm?
Seungmin: fine
Seungmin: im not divorcing u
Seungmin: my husbando
Hyunjin: thats more like it
He slaps a hand over his mouth to stop the laugh from escaping him and reads through the messages over again. He scrolls up and down, words blurring on his lenses. Oh he’s done for. Absolutely fucking done for. God. He’s so in love.
He even lets himself think a bit. Lets his thoughts wander in a direction he usually doesn’t because he knows that he’s sensitive about it, and he’ll end up crying.
He toys with the idea of Seungmin sliding a ring into his ring finger. He lets the image of them, limbs wrapped around each other on the bed project in his mind. Seungmin rubbing his hands along the slope of his waist, kissing him slowly. Seungmin hovering over him, kissing his face as he murmurs things that Hyunjin likes to hear because he knows what he likes to hear.
Seungmin taking him to his fancy formal events, all tidied up in a suit and sleek little tie. Introducing him as his husband. Putting on charming smiles and business talk for the world and then dragging Hyunjin into a hidden corner with candles lighting the space up. Pushing him up against the wall and kissing him with only so much enthusiasm that comes from seeing your husband looking pretty on your arm.
Because it’s him. It’s got to be him. He’s known love only once before Seungmin and it doesn’t even come close to holding a candle to this present relationship. He thinks it wouldn’t be possible to fall in love with anyone else. How could it?
He’s not capable of doing all of this over again, of feeling all of this over again. Each moment he’s terrified of the sheer emotion the other draws out of him, and it’s just stupidly pathetic, really.
At some point he started wondering if he was dreaming it all up. Days that he came home to an empty apartment, only a white canvas waiting to be filled up. Days that he turns over in his bed and reaches out to feel him, only to open his eyes and find it empty. Days his inbox remains dry except for his call service company reminding him to recharge his data.
And whenever he falls into a spiral of doubt like this, there’s always a good morning love message in his inbox the next day.
And that’s when he sits up excitedly and spends his morning talking to him instead of finishing his assignments. Whenever he sees the vase he has specifically reserved for the flowers he sends, full with blooming lilacs and baby pink carnations, he realizes that this is very much real, and not just a figment of his imagination rooted in loneliness.
He feels so much and he’s so hopelessly in deep for the other that it’s become unfathomable for him to imagine his life without this.
Slipping his phone into his pocket, he makes his way to the bathroom. He doesn’t care to pack a change of clothes, only taking a folded white towel with him. After all, it’s an empty apartment. He could sit in the living room naked for all he cares.
He puts the phone on a stool beside the marble bathtub, towel forming a padding underneath it. He turns the water on, and passes the time by selecting the song he wants. After it three-fourth full, he empties a bottle of herbal essence oil into the water and drops a bath bomb in it.
The water turns into the shade of the carnation that sits pretty in his living room. Tears a packet of scented candles with his teeth and lights three of them. He spends the next three minutes trying to position them perfectly on the edge of the tub. Once he deems it perfect, he switches off the harsh bathroom light so that the room shines with a soft golden glow from the candles.
He slips into his well made, deserved bath, and relaxes into the warm water almost immediately. He breathes in the warm, perfumed air and slips in till he can comfortably lean his head over the edge. His hair is still dry so he takes in a breath and dips his head under the water.
When he emerges, water trickles down his face. He pushes back his now wet hair and pat-dries his face, knowing it’d be uncomfortable when it starts to dry.
Hyunjin: [photo]
Seungmin: as u deserve !!
Seungmin: wish i was there :((
Hyunjin: why are u ignoring my existence in it
Seungmin: bcs im working and if i start to tell you how pretty you look this will take a direction i do not want to go rn
Hyunjin: min
Hyunjin: tell me i look pretty
Seungmin: fuck
Seungmin: you’re beautiful
Seungmin: i go look at some of your photos sometimes and stare at the ceiling in disbelief that you exist
Seungmin: if angels on earth were real it’d be you
Seungmin: and no i dont care how sappy this is because i am utterly and hopelessly in love with u
Hyunjin: can i call you?
Hyunjin: please
Seungmin: my love you know i can’t
Seungmin: you’re literally naked rn
Seungmin: what if somebody saw
Hyunjin: well good
Hyunjin: people would know that you’re taken
Hyunjin: and how good i treat you
Hyunjin: don’t i?
Seungmin: god
Seungmin: ofc you do
Seungmin: treat me so well. I feel so loved all the time.
Hyunjin sets his phone back on the towel and lays back in the bathtub. His eyes trace the hairline cracks webbed on the faded ochre of the ceiling. The tiles of the bathroom, rounded at the edges and yellowing at the joining. The golden lighting bouncing off his body, his legs shimmering under the water. He feels tears brimming at the corner of his eyes, but no—he won’t cry.
He’ll treat this as any other day, just with a little more melancholy sprinkled throughout it. And then he’ll go to bed, and call him when he can’t sleep. He’ll tell him about the lady at the cafe who keeps changing orders halfway through, and he’ll revel in the sound of Seungmin’s laughter. And then he’ll fall asleep to the sound of Seungmin’s soft breaths. He’ll wake up next morning to a good morning text from him, a bed selfie and a picture of his cup of coffee attached.
He really, really misses him.
Here’s the thing about this relationship. Seungmin’s always at the tip of his fingers. He could reach out, stretch them a little further, and he’d be catching the cape of his jacket, pulling him down and kissing him. Except he isn’t close enough. He’s slipping away, and their interlocked fingers are breaking apart.
It’s not either of their fault, per se. It’s not like they’re not trying hard enough. They spent enough time among their busy schedules catching up and giving time to each other. He can’t think of why Seungmin would do that for him, though. He’s the smartest person he’s ever known. He’s funny, charming, handsome, and he cares deeply for his loved ones, more than it seems.
He’s with all these super smart and talented people. He’s with them all the time. He could so easily settle with someone more amazing, someone more talented, someone closer to him. Seungmin is like, up there. And Hyunjin is like—what? A broke art college student who begs for validation every new moon?
He asks himself why Seungmin isn’t tired of him yet. Why he keeps giving him time, keeps making him feel loved despite the additional struggle of distance wearing them down. Why he doesn’t leave him for somebody else. Why he keeps encouraging Hyunjin, or even keep in touch with him, really.
The answer is simple. Seungmin loves him.
And yes, he tells himself that he’s loved by someone like him everyday. He tells himself he’s cared for, tells himself that Seungmin wouldn’t cut ties off like that, because he isn’t the kind of person who just does that. But the nagging doubt at the back of his head refuses to cease.
It isn’t rooted in his boyfriend, it’s just Hyunjin with his little overthinker brain.
He shifts in his bed. Sleep doesn’t come so easy these days. He worries and worries and worries till it shows on his face. Till he’s left vulnerable for the world to see, and it’s terrifying. His worry seeps into his everyday routine and sometimes, like today, it bubbles up clearer than ever.
And it’s days like this that he needs validation. He seeks for it, he craves for it desperately till his fingertips numb with it. Till he stays up days at a stretch, trying to perfect the last bit of the work he’s laid his heart and soul bare upon. Till his fingers are calloused and rubbed from gripping onto the paintbrushes, till his nose is filled with chemical acid and acrylic.
He satisfies the other aspect of his needs through Seungmin. He tells him how amazing he is. Tells him that he’s lucky to have him in his life. Tells him how much he’d like to be here with him, how much he wants to kiss him and hold him. It makes Hyunjin cry, and then he tells him that he wishes he could wipes his tears off.
He thinks of how touching him would feel. How he would feel under his fingertips, how he would squirm under his gaze, because Hyunjin is scared of the amount of emotion he knows his eyes would hold when he gets to look at him. He thinks of how changed his voice would be, how he would sound without the medium of a choppy call.
He thinks of how Seungmin would hold him firmly, but still like he’s a piece of glass. How he would push his hips down and keep them tightly pressed down on the bed. How low his voice would become when he warns him not to move.
And Hyunjin would listen, like he always does. He would simply lay there, encased in his own pleasure and the feeling of having him so close after so long. He would let him do what he wants and kiss those pretty lips of his while he laughs and tells him how beautiful he is.
“Fuck.” he whispers, in the empty space of his bed. He definitely can’t sleep now. His mind is racing and he can’t sleep unless he either hears his voice, and satisfies himself through mental images alone. He turns over and unplugs his phone. Opens up his chatlog where there’s a new message of Hyunjin? from him.
Hyunjin: min
Hyunjin: cant sleep
Seungmin: i can talk to you till you fall asleep then
Seungmin: is that okay?
Hyunjin: yes
Hyunjin: please
Hyunjin: cant stop thinking about you
Seungmin: oh love
Seungmin: what are u thinking about?
Hyunjin: you
Hyunjin: need you so bad
Hyunjin: i miss kissing you
Hyunjin: need to touch you so bad
Hyunjin: i love you so much
Hyunjin: i wish i could tell you that
Hyunjin: i wish i could tell u how much you mean to me
Seungmin: stop oh my god
Seungmin: i love u too
Seungmin: so much
Seungmin: sometimes i need to stop myself from quitting this job and boarding a plane and breaking into your house
Hyunjin: no its
Hyunjin: i hate that i would like that
Hyunjin: i feel so bad for wishing you to be here bcs it seems like i don’t want you to be successful
Hyunjin: its not like that
Hyunjin: im so proud of u
Seungmin: i know you dont mean it like that
Seungmin: i dont blame you for wishing that either
Seungmin: if i were u i’d do the same
Hyunjin: i was horny
Hyunjin: now im sad :((
Seungmin: why not both
Hyunjin: yk what
Hyunjin: youre right
Hyunjin: im gonna make depressed homosexual my entire personality
Hyunjin: not that it alr isnt
Hyunjin: like im an artist that speaks volumes in itself
Hyunjin: [photo]
Seungmin: oh no
Seungmin: oh fuck
Seungmin: brb im going insane
Hyunjin bites on his lips and smiles. He had the best reactions, and none of them were dulled even after all the time he’s done the same thing.
He positions the phone in front of his face, and pauses to look at himself. Flush sitting high on his cheeks, lips cherry pink from being chewed on and a hint of gloss on his cupid’s bow. Hair messy and clearly finger combed, dark splayed against the white of the pillow in a striking contrast that draws attention to his face.
He clicks another photo.
It’s worse because he’s already had a taste of how Seungmin treats him in bed. If he didn’t have an idea he wouldn’t have anything to miss, would he? But now that he loves him so much and he knows that Seungmin can make his skin burn with just a trace of a finger, he can’t help but want more.
Want more, more and even more, even though he knows he can’t have it. He can’t have him over him and caging him in his arms, pressed close. Seungmin shushing him gently with a hand covering his mouth because he lives in a shitty apartment with a neighbour who blasts metal at the ass crack of dawn. Seungmin’s hand swallowing all of his waist because his hands are large and it makes him feel so small to be held like that.
No matter how much he imagines him and imagines his sweet voice guiding him, it’s never enough. Nothing could ever compare to the feeling of him, even though the memory has been watered down with time. He’s tried. Seungmin told him he could, encouraged him even because he felt bad about not being able to give him what he wants.
He tried. Went to a club all pretty, with glitter on his eyes and rips on the shirt at his sides. He danced, he drank. Went upstairs with a guy who had been staring at him for the whole night. He only got upto kissing and taking off his shirt, before the discomfort started to set in.
It felt wrong to do this with somebody that wasn’t Seungmin. Sure, he said he wouldn’t mind. Said he wanted Hyunjin to not be lonely. But there was no way he could just do this.
So he pushed the guy off, tears brimming at his eyes, and told him that he changed his mind. And thanked the heavens for choosing a good guy, because he immediately backed off and asked him what the matter was. Surely not one of Hyunjin’s proudest moments, being vulnerable to a stranger in a club, but he told him about Seungmin.
The guy just laughed and assured him it was completely fine, put his clothes back on, said his name was Chan, and disappeared. Hyunjin felt terrible in the moment and just went downstairs and downed shots till he passed out on the bar.
He woke up to his call log full of missed calls from Seungmin. His head thumped as he woke up and tried to process where he was. After remembering the previous night, he called him up and rambled out everything.
Turns out, crying while having the worst hangover of your life really wasn’t the way to start a morning. Seungmin hadn’t minded one bit and kept asking if he was alright. Hyunjin had apologised over and over again, because he felt guilty for even thinking about hooking up with someone else while he had someone as amazing as Seungmin as his boyfriend.
(“Baby.” Seungmin murmurs, voice calm and soothing. “I told you I wouldn't mind. It’s fine, please stop saying sorry.” He can’t. He feels terrible and he feels so guilty that he never cares about the consequences of whatever he does. Seungmin gives him everything he wants, and he can’t even do the bare minimum. He craves validation so fucking much that he can’t even wait for the love of his life to give it. “It’s okay.”
“Are you mad at me?” he asks, voice laced with fading sniffles.
An exasperated sigh sounds from the phone. When he speaks, Hyunjin can hear the smile in his voice. “No, I'm not. I was the one who told you that you didn’t have to be trapped here with me. You can do what you want, I'd never be mad at you.”
“Is it being trapped if I love you?” Hyunjin wonders.)
Turns out it isn’t. He has never, ever, felt trapped in this relationship. He looks at people he finds attractive, goes “good for them” and turns back to his own work. Never once has the thought of chasing someone else, breaking this off—ending this relationship—crossed his mind. He feels a knot in his throat at the thought, and he really hopes Seungmin conveys the same sentiment.
He clicks another photo and presses send. He waits a few minutes and then he watches his smile reflected on the screen as it turns green with incoming call: minnie<3.
Hyunjin: angel
Hyunjin: the sky looks so pretty
Hyunjin: [photo]
Seungmin: hello my love
Hyunjin: but your prettier
Hyunjin: heh
Seungmin: are you drunk? I can see the wine glass
Hyunjin: not drunk
Hyunjin: a little tipsy
Hyunjin: issfine
Seungmin: sigh
Seungmin: get inside your house please
Seungmin: you’re going to get defenestrated
Hyunjin: but the skys so pretty
Hyunjin: pretty sky <33
Hyunjin: wait thats u
Seungmin: thats so cute wtf
Seungmin: but please get inside
Hyunjin: i love u :((
Seungmin: i love u too bby
Seungmin: can you call?
Hyunjin: i
Hyunjin blinks as the screen lights up with a photo of Seungmin. He stares at it for a moment, and then remembers that he was supposed to receive the call. He swipes the animated green receiver, and Seungmin’s voice echoes from it. “Hello, love.”
Hyunjin angles the phones away from his own face and towards the open air, to show him the sky. “I tried drawing the moon. And ended up just staring at it for the rest of the night.”
Seungmin laughs.
He inserts his face in the frame. Smiling brightly, like he knows he always does. “I tried talking to her once. I told her about how it was practically impossible for paper to capture her beauty. I told her about the love songs written about her. Written using her. The poems and stories that confess their love for her."
"She didn’t reply. And then I told her about myself. I told her how much I love painting at night. I told her about the cat I found last week. About the cute girl in our class who dresses like a fairy. I’d really like to compliment her someday but what if she thinks I'm being weird?”
“She won’t.” Seungmin assures. “I told you she won’t, just go for it.”
Hyunjin fidgets with the silver bracelet on his wrist—a gift from him. “I told her about you.” he swallows, voice almost down to a whisper. “I told her about my amazing boyfriend whom I love more than anything. I told her that he’s famous and successful, and I wish that he always stays happy. How i dont see a future without him.”
Seungmin stays quiet, face set in thinking, and he backtracks. “Sorry, is this too much?”
He sighs, and it does nothing more to loosen the knot in his chest. Then he speaks, and his voice trembles with emotion. That couldn’t be a bad sign, right? He won’t tell him that he’s being overbearing, right? “Hyunjin.” he murmurs. “Would you do something for me?”
“Of course.” he replies, not missing a beat. “Anything.”
He smiles and looks up. As if he could see the same sky Hyunjin could. But its daytime where Seungmin is, and looking up he’d only see the sun glaring down at him, and not the moon he talks about.
“Remember you explained all the works in the hallway of the museum? You didn’t even know my name, and here you were, rambling about how much you loved that city artpiece. I was blown away by how passionate you were for it, for art.”
Hyunjin wonders where this was going. He didn’t sound mad, at any case. He nods.
“Remember the car date? You liked the city lights so much, and I knew I had to take you out at night. I’ll never forget that night. I think it was you who kissed me. Thanked me for taking you out and…I'll never forget how your face shone in the dim lights. It was so easy to fall for you after that, and over and over everyday.”
“And it’s been so long since we—seven years. Fancy that. I wondered why you gave me the time of the day. I was never around for you, and—do you know how much I fear the day that you fall out of love? The day you wake up and decide that you’ve had enough of this?”
“No.” Hyunjin says firmly. “Won’t happen. I don’t ever want you thinking that.”
“What would you say if I asked you to marry me?” he chews on his lip, apprehension bubbling on his face and nervousness clearly shown in his twisting fingers. His face softens and he laughs. “Oh no, please don’t cry.”
“‘Please don’t cry?’” Hyunjin chokes out through his sobs. He’s been waiting forever, and now that he’s finally got it…he doesn't know what to do. It’s overwhelming, and his mind can’t decide whether to focus on the possible fruit of this confession, or on what he was feeling. “Are you actually asking me to marry you? Are you actually being serious?”
“Well.” he begins. “I’m gonna fly home tomorrow.”
Hyunjin sits on the sofa of his living room, leg bouncing. He keeps unlocking and locking his phone, waiting for a message from Seungmin. His skin tingles with excitement, and there’s a heavy weight in his chest that his lungs close around. It’s not a bad thing, but he’s a little nervous and excited.
He can’t help the giddy smile that crosses his face every once in a while. He reads through the chats, laughing to himself at the familiar conversations. He tried to get a project done in the morning, but nothing seemed to work anymore. His mind kept drifting, till he had to take a shower to calm himself down. The wait for his boyfriend entering through the door seemed longer than all these years.
If Seungmin was serious about proposing, does that make him his to-be-husband, then? Hyunjin covers his face with his hands, face burning. He mouths the word and tastes it on his tongue. It’ll take him a while to get used to.
Some part of him still denies the possibility of his boyfriend (fiance?) bursting in through the door any given moment. Still expects this to be a highly realistic dream that he’ll wake up from soon. Expects himself to shock himself awake by bumping into the corner of the door, and wake up twisted in his sheets.
Except, the doorbell rings.
And he usually wakes up by this part. But today, he walks towards the door, hands trembling and whispering oh my god, okay. fuck, fuck, fuck under his breath. The walk to the door seems forever, but he somehow makes it without blacking out from the nervousness coursing through his veins.
He pulls the door open, and barely holds himself back from passing out.
“Hi.” Seungmin grins, face partially covered by brown paper. Bright red roses peek out from paper rolled into a cone, and he holds them just under where a baby pink bow has been used to tie the bouquet up. He looks the same as ever, and yet so different. He can see the tears brimming at the corner of Seungmin’s eyes and they shine so bright. Hyunjin can’t look away.
He stands frozen for what seems hours, before Seungmin is pushing him aside to dump the bouquet and his luggage on the floor. He pulls him around by his arm, and laughs in his face. “So what was that about missing me?”
Hyunjin shuts the door with a jab of his foot and pulls him forward by his collar. And crashes his lips on Seungmin’s.
Really, he could use a lot of words to describe the long pending kiss. He could say that he could hear angels singing and rejoicing. He could say that he could feel his heart thumping against the confines of bone, trying to break out and lay itself on top of the other’s. He could say that he could feel himself growing weaker as Seungmin kisses him back. But the only thing that would correctly describe what he feels was: at peace.
Seungmin slowly walks forward and manoeuvres him so that he steps backward till he bumps into the wall. Holds him with his hand curving around the slope of his waist instinctively, as if rehearsing from muscle memory. Another hand holds the base of his neck, and tangles itself in his hair.
“Hi.” Hyunjin finally gasps out, breaking apart by pushing him back with a hand on his chest. Seungmin looks slightly dazed, breathing heavily and eyes fixed to his lips. Hyunjin tilts his face up with a finger on his chin, and makes him meet his eyes. “Up here.”
He looks the same—kind doe eyes and honey skin, lips that beg to be kissed and a serious expression underneath the unadulterated joy on his face right now. The tears slip, and Hyunjin finds wetness on his own cheeks as well.
He looks at him like he’s trying to take in everything all at once, and failing. Eyes flit over his lips, over his cheekbones and the curve of nose, his eyes, and follow that tears that slip down. He laughs, and brushes them away. He holds his face with both his hands and places a soft kiss to his lips, before pulling away and picking up the bouquet.
“You didn’t have to!” Hyunjin laughs as he makes a show of prince-bowing and gives them to him. He clasps his hands when he receives it, holding it under the bouquet of roses.
“Yeah, I'm not just showing up empty handed like that.” he says, and gets down on one knee.
“Good thing you brought yourself then.” Hyunjin says, shifting the bouquet to look at what he was doing. He freezes in his place, when he registers the position, and the tiny box in his hand. “No way.”
“Yes way.” Seungmin sings cheerfully. “Oh god, I have to do this again? Okay, okay. Hwang Hyunjin, you are the love of my life and I have missed you so much. I know that this might not be as perfect as you were hoping, and I might not be perfect, but I'll try to make you as happy as I can. I’ve been thinking about this for sometime, and I realized that putting this off would be of no use because—it’s come to the point that everything I do revolves around you. So why not my future?”
Seungmin sniffles, still holding his hand. “Baby, if you cry, I'm gonna cry too and then I won't be able to ask you to marry me at all.”
“Just say it then.” Hyunjin covers his mouth and laughs, as more tears slip. “You already know I'll say yes.”
“You’re a romantic, I thought you’d like me being sappy.” Seungmin faux grumbles, getting pulled up to his feet by a tug on his hand. He pauses, staring at him, and Hyunjin has never felt more ecstatic in his entire life. He holds his hands, gentle as ever, and whispers to him with shining eyes. “Hyunjin, will you marry me?”
“Yes. Yes, of course, yes.” He's full on sobbing by now, but the huge smile on his face tells Seungmin what he needs to know. Seungmin slips the ring into his finger, holding it by his wrist to kiss the back of his hand. Hyunjin hugs him so tightly that he loses all the breath in his lungs. “Love you so much.”
Seungmin doesn’t get a chance to reply as he’s pulled into a burning kiss by him. Hyunjin holds himself by wrapping his arms around his neck and leaning all of his body weight onto him. He tastes fruity and sweet, laced with remainder of the candy they had eaten seven years ago. He tastes like green lights and blue skies, of rose tinted future and a promise of forever.
“I love you too.” Seungmin finally replies in a whisper, mouthing the words against his lips.
Hyunjin has always had a special kind of fancy for the night sky. For the shimmering moonlight that breaches through the rectangular glass panes, forming the blueprint of a city plan on his burgundy carpet. The way the shades get darker and inkier as the night goes on, and then again resumes its previous form as the sun rises. How, under the layers of the pollution filled air, lie thousands of unassuming constellations that he’ll never be able to get down on paper.
Nights mean he props his legs up on the crumbling railing of his balcony, listens to jazz playing from his phone, lets his eyes rake the expanse of the sky and sighs in firmly rooted melancholy. Paints when he gets in the right headspace, his mind occupied with wine induced thoughts of his boyfriend. Talks to him sometimes.
But now, he tears his eyes away from the window to meet Seungmin’s, filled with love, as he wipes his face. It’s a little odd to have someone else here with him at the time he usually probes around in his head for everything his life had added up to. At a time where he’s usually more vulnerable.
But Seungmin isn’t just someone else.
He is the anchor that grounds him to the earth when his body becomes too light and tries to float away. He is the peace that he seeks through colours smudged across his fingers and face. He is the comfort he finds in the rare corners of this life that stretches on and on, the change he seeks inside the same routine repeated over and over till he gets so tired of it and does something reckless like go on a month-long trip to the other side of the world.
“Min.” he calls, squirming his way into his fiance’s lap and loosely hugging him around the shoulders. “Let’s go skydiving.”
“Suddenly?” Seungmin laughs, a pleasant rumble through where his head was on his chest. “I mean, sure, but why?”
Hyunjin doesn’t say the because I don’t want you to go away ever again. Because I'm scared that you will. Because I want to experience all the things I've wanted to do in my life with you, and doing them alone just doesn’t make sense. I stay up at night listing all the things I've wanted to do with you, and now that you’re here, I'm scared that I'll run out of time.
“It’s a healing experience, right?” Hyunjin says in reply, tracing random shapes on the bare skin where moonlight reflects from. A circle, two more between them. Curves stretching out from the smallest, in a spiral. Two curves from the tangent of the outer circle, joining, and two straight lines with a blob at the end. A star inside the spiral. He laughs to himself as he imagines the snail he was trying to draw.
“Let’s go skiing. Surfing. Mountain climbing. Whatever. I want to see the world with you.”
Seungmin shifts and takes his face in his hands. Tilts it upwards to meet eyes. Hyunjin swallows because he loves this person so much and it scares him.
The muscles in his neck hurt a little as he tries to hold up, but he really couldn’t care less when he can see the white shine on his face. Kind of like an angel sent to save him from himself. Hyunjin can see the halo around his head if he searches hard enough, like he always does.
“I’m not going anywhere, okay?” he says gently, so fond and so warm. It makes his chest hurt. Hyunjin looks away. “I’ll do what you want me to, but I need you to remember that.”
Hyunjin sighs, placing an open mouthed kiss on his pec, tasting metal from the silver pendant. “I’m trying to rush this, isn’t it? Sorry. I just really missed you and—and now you’re here and it’s kind of hard to process. And you’re my fiance now? Wow.”
Seungmin looks amused now. Hyunjin sits up suddenly, making him jolt in surprise. “Wait. hold on.” he turns to him. “I just realized that we’re engaged now. Wait, what?”
Seungmin’s expression goes from expecting to confused to straight up incredulous. He lets out a startled laugh. “You’re realizing this now? Are you for real? Wow, you’re slow.”
“That’s no way to talk to your fiance!” Hyunjin yells, taking advantage of their proximity to hit him square on the chest. He even missed doing that, and goddamn he’s in so deep. He holds the ring up and close to his face, which makes him blink. “I’ll wear this on my middle finger, is that what you want?”
Seungmin grins. “That way you could make people feel single and tell them to fuck off.”
Should’ve seen that coming, Hyunjin grimaces as he laughs at his own joke like it was the funniest goddamn thing on earth. He doesn’t even have it in himself to be mad as the sound of hysterical laughing fills the bedroom. He missed it. He just sighs, making sure to make his exaggerated exasperation prominent.
“Oh,” Hyunjin clicks his tongue. He slips out of his arms and out of the bed. “I have something to show you.”
He pads out of the room, and over to the closet in the living room. As he opens it, he’s greeted with multiple unfinished paintings and a few completed ones. He grimaces and repeats the same promise of finishing them, like he’s done for the past month. From under a broken palette splattered with the remnants of colours he once used, he extracts a mid-sized canvas.
It’s a little different from the usual colour scheme his work has, with bright neutrals and varying shades of green, grey-yellow and brown. Earthly.
He takes it and walks back to where Seungmin sits on the bed, his head propped up with his arms as he looks out the window. Hyunjin swallows the lump in his throat. The sight was so unfamiliar but welcome at the same time and he can’t help but wonder how many times he has to be met with it till the unfamiliarity fades away.
Seungmin turns to him as the bed dips where he sits.
He hands him the canvas, studying his face carefully. “I didn’t show you this one. It’s kind of different from what I usually do and I thought it’d be nice to try something new. It took me some time to make, but I'm satisfied with it. Probably the first time—” he laughs. “—don’t I always complain about painting?”
“Hyunjin.” he says, a quiver in his voice, as he examines it with wide eyes. “Is this us?”
Well. He’s kind of surprised he caught on that quickly. He did make it easy though, by studying his own living room and putting it down on it. Some things are new, but anyone who knows Hyunjin would know that he likes to put in things that aren’t there.
He likes to let his imagination run wild. Such as imagining Seungmin on his couch when he’s not there. Both of them lay there, Hyunjin's head in his lap as he scrolls through his phone and Seungmin flips through a book. His other hand playing with his hair, and humming to the playlist that they share.
“That’s our dog.” he points. “Photos from our trips.” A bookshelf for Seungmin, and a new closet for himself because the current one is falling apart, plastered with unfinished sketches. “Our aquarium.” He points to the glass box enclosing water and a few goldfishes, outlined with blue leds. “A guitar that I brought for you. The picks are customised into a heart with your initials.” his voice breaks. “And mine.”
Seungmin looks at it, and then up at him. “This is beautiful.”
“You think so?” Hyunjin takes it from him, avoiding his eyes. Seungmin lets it slip from his hands and instead puts a hand on his cheek. Then the other. He leans forward and kisses him slowly. Hyunjin abandons the painting and leans up to him, pushing him backwards on the bed.
When he breaks apart, Seungmin’s looking up at him with arms around his neck. Legs tangled together, Hyunjin couldn’t move even if he wanted to. “I think you’re a hopeless romantic who likes to wallow in his own misery instead of talking to his boyfriend about it. How long?”
Hyunjin laughs against his lips, but it comes out as an exhale. “Don’t remember. I just knew I wanted that with you, and I had to get it out of my system before I went crazy.”
“Baby, if you showed this to me earlier, I'd have asked you to marry me like, when we first met.” Seungmin says casually, like it doesn’t make his head reel. “I’d do that for you. I’ll take you to a dog cafe. Or cat cafe. We could go aquarium shopping together. I’ll go to ikea with you—hell, I'll even set up that cupboard for you while you stare at me.” he pushes Hyunjin’s hair away from his face, beginning of a smile making its way on his lips. “—like you do on camera.”
“Shut up.” Hyunjin rolls his eyes.
“You can write your initials on the pick.” he continues. “h-h-j. Beside k-s-m. Won’t that be nice? And like, that’s so sappy. That’s so cliche. A cliche so bad that it’s good. We met in a cliche. I think we’re destined to be cliche.”
“Last part of your sentence, but leave out the ‘cliche’.” Hyunjin says. They’re so close. It takes all of his willpower to focus on his words and not shut him up by closing the gap between them. He can taste him even through the centimetre gap between their lips. He smells like some weathered down cologne and sex, and he finds that he doesn’t give less of a fuck.
“‘We met in a?’” Seungmin asks, confused. He’s pretty sure he’s faking it. He’s a pretty good actor, you’d be surprised.
“You’re going to make me say it, aren’t you?” Hyunjin scrunches his nose and he places a kiss on it and fuck, if that isn’t the cutest thing he’s ever done. Except for asking Hyunjin to marry him, of course. “‘We’re destined to be.’”
Both of them grimace, but he can see the way Seungmin’s eyes light up. “That’s like, another cliche.”
Hyunjin sometimes stays up all night binge watching rom-coms. He buys bars of chocolates, and bucket popcorn that’s larger than his face, and cries to them. He envisions his future through paintings. He melts over the smallest gestures of affection, he cries when Seungmin calls him baby over text. He coos at couples on the street. He looks at the waving daisies on the flower bed of his neighbour’s garden, and thinks about Seungmin.
He’s a man with hopeless romantic in his blood, and turns out, he really likes cliches.
Especially when the cliche takes the form of Seungmin.