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“Everglow
You'll never know the beauty I see when you open your shadows
Everglow
They'll never know the worlds that I see in the darkness you don't show.”
Everglow
Falling.
In his dreams, he was always falling.
Before, when he was in Heaven, he’d never thought he’d ever fall from grace.
But then again, he’d never thought he’d invoke the wrath of God, either.
But he did. He’d disagreed with the Almighty over one thing. One small thing that should’ve been different, at least in his eyes. He’d stood with Lucifer and rebelled, believing what he’d done was right. In his mind, it was. In the minds of other angels, it was.
But God had other thoughts on the matter. Casting them all out and turning His back on them. And Stolas, once put high above the wicked skies of the world and all creation like a satellite, fell.
It was like nothing he’d ever felt before. His stomach dropped, and the gravity holding him relinquished its hold, so there was a sudden, sickening feeling of weightlessness not even his wings could negate. Though not for lack of trying. He flapped and struggled, but all in vain. The gravity of the Earth below had taken over, and was pulling him down, down, down to it. To whatever fate waited below.
And in those few slow moments before the Fall, he looked to the Almighty with pleading eyes and an aching heart. Uttering only one word. Feeling utterly and completely betrayed.
“Why?”
Then he was falling.
Falling.
Falling.
Falling.
Plummeting through the stars and the cosmos, and those wicked skies on Earth. The stars shining all around him as he went down. The burning feeling of something being ripped from him as he fell. His heart, probably. The pain in his chest was certainly enough of a clue. The pin visceral as he dropped from God's orbit.
Falling to Earth. His feathers burning, charring, searing his skin.
It hurt. It hurt so much he doubled over in agony as he burned. His once pure white feathers greying when the flames licked over them.
And his halo…
His halo disintegrated into little golden pieces, drifting through the cosmos as he’d once hoped to do, taking the last thing tying him to Heaven. He reached for it, watched it fall apart and vanish. Dust in the cosmos. Another thing ripped away from him along with his divinity.
His heart.
Separated from it, with what felt like a great empty hole in his chest, he fell from the sky, never feeling more alone and empty. The being who was supposed to love him and care for him had turned on him, betrayed him and cast him out. And was now scarring him inside and out. Marking him as traitor so he could never hope to redeem himself and return to the Kingdom of Heaven. In pain and falling.
Falling.
Falling.
Falling.
Falling from the sky and space and back to the Earth. Succumbing to the weight of the world, now he was isolated.
All around him, his friends were falling. Lucifer, Stella, everyone. But he could only focus on what was happening to him, and the agony in his own heart.
Wondering to himself, is this death or rebirth? Having to jettison all I know. Not having a choice.
There was the sound of someone screaming in his ears, but his throat was so raw and burning he thought it might be him. He fell, igniting, back to the Earth below. Smashing through the crust and the dirt to the Place Below. The impact forcing all the air out of his lungs and one last burst of agony through his wretched body with a sickening crunch and -
He awoke with a start, gasping for the air that’d been pushed out of him when he’d hit the ground. Frantically looking around, eyes darting here and there, heart pounding, for a sense of where he was.
He found he was in his bedroom in the Goetia Palace, and not in the wastelands of Hell centuries ago. Reaching up to his chest to find it whole and not with a gaping hole in it as he'd feared.
He managed to let out a shaky breath of relief, though his whole body was still shaking and his heart still hurt. He tried to calm his heartbeat and breathing by reassuring himself that he was safe, that he was at home.
He saw Blitz, sound asleep beside him, and felt more relief wash over him. Blitz was here. He was in Hell. He was safe.
He took a deep breath, filling his lungs, and tried to ground himself. Reeling off a mental list of things he could see in the hope it would help.
But he couldn’t stop shaking, and in the end he simply burst into tears because it was all just too much for one Fallen Angel to bear. So his tears welled up with tears and he sobbed like he’d just fallen yesterday and not so many centuries ago.
He sobbed and cried, curling in around himself. Trying to be quiet enough to not wake Blitz because the last thing he wanted was to open up this wound again by talking about it. But the imp stirred anyway.
“Stolas?” Blitz mumbled, slowly pulling himself out of sleep. “You okay?”
That question just made him cry harder. Because how the fuck was he even supposed to answer that?
What could he even say to answer that?
He remembered standing in the wreckage afterwards. Bereft. Empty. Looking out into the wasteland that was Hell. Feeling just like this.
He sniffed and more tears rolled down his beak, and Blitz cursed.
“Oh, shit. Stols? Stolas what happened?” The imp spoke with urgency so rarely heard, and even his tone seemed a little frantic. "Are you hurt? Stolas?"
Stolas sobbed again and felt what was left of his heart breaking. Keening out his loss. The shards of his broken, annihalated heart digging into him and making the wound bleed again. He didn’t even realise Blitz had moved over to actually hold him until the imp spoke again in a soothing voice.
“Shh, it’s okay. I’m here. You’re safe now, I won’t let anybody hurt you.”
Blitz must have moved faster than Stolas had ever seen him, because when he looked up again, Blitz had one arm around his hunched shoulders as he tried to keep it together and failed.
"Stolas? What happened?"
Stolas keened again, the sense of loss all encompassing. It hurt his heart and squeezed his throat shut so he couldn't even speak for the grief.
“It’s okay, I promise." Blitz soothed, wrapping both arms around him now. "Talk to me. I’m right here, okay? I’m not going anywhere.”
The grief threatened to choke him, drown him in pain and sorrow. But Stolas forced the words out. “I… I fell, Blitzy.” It was all he could manage as he wiped his eyes. Though fresh tears kept on coming. “From He... Heaven. I Fell. I fell, and… and… it hurts! It hurts so much. ”
The owl struggled to breathe, panicking, thrumming with anxiety. “It hurts and I can’t- I can’t – breathe…”
Blitz swallowed. He knew what this was about. What plagued the owl’s dreams on the darker days.
His Fall.
Blitz held his owl tight, leaning close and rubbing his forehead against his feathers. Images of Stolas falling back to the Earth from high above filling his mind. Though he could only imagine the pain and loss the owl would feel at that. And the sickening impact when he hit the bottom…
Blitz shook those thoughts away. He had to keep his shit together. Stolas needed him and God fucking damn it he was going to fucking be there for him. No doubt there was a lot of trauma his bird was still unpacking if it bothered him this much so many hundreds if not thousands of years after the fact.
So Blitz just held him as he wept, trying not to cry himself and wanting to give one giant Fuck You to the big man upstairs for hurting his partner. For damaging someone he cared so much about. Stolas hiccupping and sobbing in his arms.
“I’m- I’m so- sorry, Blitzy…” Stolas sniffed. Clinging onto him now as the shaking began to subside. Doubtlessly needing someone to hold onto while the world fell apart, if only in his head. “I did- didn’t want- you to see this…”
Bllitz slowly stroked the feathers on Stolas’s head, still so soft, but the stress of the moment was making them fall out. It hurt to see his hand full of feathers when he pulled it away. Stolas always had such beautiful feathers.
“Hush now, how many times have you seen me at my worst?" He tried to smile, though it was hard. so hard when his Stolas was hurting so much. "It’s okay. It’s okay, you just let it all out. It’s okay if you’re upset and hurtin’. You have every right to be after what happened.”
The words only brought on more tears, and Blitz worried if he was doing the right thing or not. But at least the shaking had stopped now, and the sobs were less heavy, so that was something. Fuck it, he wasn’t a therapist or anything, but he could offer Stolas the support he’d never had himself.
And surely that had to count for something.
“It’s okay, Stols, I’m here.”
Stolas sniffed. “Why?” he asked, though he sounded angry at himself more than anything. “I mean, why stay? Cl- clearly I’m a pathetic idiot.” He sobbed.
Blitz tried to smile. “No. You’re not.”
“I am,” Stolas wailed. “I mean look at me. Really look at me. You couldn’t want me. You couldn’t possibly!”
He sniffed and let more tears roll down his beak. He sounded all of his millennia old, and so very, very broken when he spoke.
“Nobody wants me. God didn’t. He doesn’t need me.”
He sniffed and glanced away, swiping at his nose that had started to run. Adding softly, and with all the sadness in the world, “Nobody needs me.”
Blitz fell silent as his heart broke a little inside at that. “Stols…” he began, but the rest of the sentence died off. How could he even think that?
Now Blitz was in real danger of crying, too. Because the stupid bird was in too much pain to see what was so good about himself. He couldn’t see everything Blitz saw. A smart, wonderful, caring person. Someone who made him laugh. Someone who made him happy just by being around. Even if he complained about it.
Blitz took a deep breath.
Stolas may not have had a halo anymore, but he had an everglow. A beautiful spirit. Always shining, guiding him home. An angel in all but name.
God may not have wanted Stolas around anymore, but he sure did.
“I do.” Blitz said quietly. “I need you.”
Stolas fell silent, and Blitz took another deep breath. “I’ve always needed you,” he said, and his voice was shaking and the tears were welling up in his own eyes now and no he couldn’t cry. He couldn’t cry because he had to be strong for Stolas.
But the tears came anyway, and his voice caught as he spoke. “And I’m never… never gonna stop.”
Because you’ll never know the beauty I see in the darkness you don’t show.
His lip was trembling and if Stolas cried again now he’d lose what little threads remained of his composure. But still, he held his Stolas tight. “No matter what you might think. Or what lies your brain might be telling you right now. So you jut hold onto me, okay? Because I'm not going anywhere.”
Stolas was quiet, though Blitz could feel him shaking again. “Okay, Stols?”
Apparently that might have been the wrong thing to say, because the owl just started sobbing uncontrollably in his arms again, though he did hold Blitz tight, so he guessed he did something right.
“I... l-love you... Blitz...” Stolas choked out, crying his heart out in his arms. Blitz just trying not to break himself. Because it hurt to see Stolas so upset. So hurt and broken. But he'd be there to help him put himself back together again. He knew firsthand you couldn't put someone back together for them – they had to do it themselves. But he could be there to help in whatever ways he could. However small those were.
It wouldn't be much, but he'd try his best.
Anything to see that everglow again. Anything to put that smile back on your face.
“Yeah,” he said softly. “Love you too, Birdbrain.”
He rubbed his forehead and cheeks against Stolas' head, purring softly. Hoping it would offer some comfort at least. Another gesture of affection. A soothing sound he knew Stolas liked.
“You're okay,” he added gently. “It's okay. You'll be okay.”
Stolas sobbed into his chest, and Blitz gently ran his fingers and claws through Stolas' hair soothingly. Hoping it would calm the storm inside the owl at least a little. Though against this, he felt quite powerless. But he could be here for Stolas, and that was what he was going to do if it killed him.
Because he loved Stolas with all his heart. And just wanted to make him happy. To take his pain away.
Because he just couldn't imagine a world with Stolas gone.
And he knew just how much the mind could convince you life wasn't worth living. And he'd swore to love him all his life. And sometimes, that meant just being there. Staying up with him on the bad nights when his mind felt like a foreign land.
Like tonight.
“I'm right here,” he repeated. “And I'm not going anywhere. I promise.”
Stolas just sobbed into him and clung to him, and Blitz just held him close, until he calmed and the tears had dried. And eventually he fell asleep, leaving Blitz awake to watch over him, guarding him from the night. Softly stroking his hair and
“You don't have to hurt alone anymore, because I'm here.”
He kissed Stolas forehead as the owl slept. Another gesture of affection, that relaxed the bird's face as he slept. It was a relief to see some of the pain on his face ease, and his breathing soften. And Blitz was reassured again that he'd done the right thing.
And then he carefully shuffled himself into a more comfortable position, and lay back so he could sleep. Still holding onto Stolas. Because he'd promised the bird he'd not be going anywhere, and he never went back on a promise.
Especially not with someone he loved as much as Stolas Goetia.